#I LOVE THE WAY I DREW THE EXPRESSION! (pov me saying something positive about my art)

[aredlemon]

We can have a little alcoholic father doodle. As a treat.

[helloledena]

Uh-oh... I'm falling in love~

Synopsis: Kakashi though he had everything under control, especially his feelings. But one ninja from Village hidden in mist was enough to change that. Oh how wrong he was...

Pairing: Kakashi x Reader (but in Kakashi's pov 🙂‍↕️)

Content: fem! reader, slow burn, strangers to "something" to lovers, light smut, mention of depression, lot's of thoughts, lot's of confusion.

Word count: 8.3k (��)

A/N: Kakashi's character is so complex and hot and hard to write and hot and tragic but hot, so yeah, love him so much *.*

pervert.

When the saleswoman at his favorite bookstore gave him a raised eyebrow, all Kakashi could do was smile while scratching the back of his head in a manner that reeked of humor.

"I understand why you wanted to read Make-out Paradise… but now even the other two books?"

"What can I say, it really drew me in."

"And.. you say you've read it..."

"Yes, I've read it three times already, I think it's time to find out what happens in the sequel, don't you think? Hahaha" he let his body wiggle a little, and his free eye rolled up into a smile.

"Pervert," the girl muttered as she slid off the counter and went to get more books.

The ninja tiredly scanned the other books on display on the counter. The well-known novel "Life of a shinobi: Honor or Death" caught his eye. With a soft sigh, he picked up the book, turned it upside down, and began to stare at the wall clock that didn't actually work.

He would never admit it out loud, but reading an erotic novel, in which the most exciting thing is actually the various lovemaking positions, had become his new favorite way to distract himself. The distraction from the dead bodies he was cleaning after massacre several months prior; from the feeling of total guilt of allowing Itachi, the boy with soft eyes and always a calm expression on his face Itachi, to go and slaughter everyone in his clan; from death of his friends..

Not to speak of it, he realized that nothing calmed him as much as re-reading the same book with the light and warm plot. The fact that he could relive what he knew would end well gave him a sense of comfort that he hadn't experienced in a long time. Life was bearable again. Just a bit. Just a little bit more, he didn't want to kill himself.

"Your books,"  mumbled the saleswoman into her chin, still clearly under the impression, as she quickly took the money from him "enjoy the rest of your day."

"Thank you. Be sure that I will. Ha! I mean... not in that way..." the now blushing girl looked at him as if he had gone completely mad. He felt his own cheeks slowly warming up "well, anyway... I'm going now. You! You have a nice day... really nice day..."

His smiling aura slid at a moment as he left the shop. He put the third part of “Make-Out” in his shoulder bag, while opening the second one as he walked slowly in an unknown direction. What is he gonna do now? Maybe he should go to get some ramen? But he failed to keep Obito's promise, he couldn't save Rin from death, his father wasn't there to see how much he had progressed. Perhaps he could go back to that cursed rock again. Yeah, that seems like better idea.

"Kakashi!!!" he heard Gai shouting for him from a distance "my eternal rival!!!! Come! Let’s see who can drink more sake before nightfall!!"

But he just continued walking, looking at the first page of the book. He reminded himself that if he does not get involved no one would die because of him. If he doesn't intervene, it wouldn't hurt as much if someone from them died. If he doesn't get involved, perhaps those damn stubborn people would finally realize how truly awful person he is.

When he reached the next corner between streets, he was about to run the rest of the way, but a melodic voice froze him in his tracks.

"Are ninjas in this silly village not taught manners?" He turned and saw a girl leaning against one of the buildings at the corner. How, in the hell, hadn't he noticed her presence before? He decided to let his visible eye wander into a something that seemed like smile.

"I really don’t know what you’re talking about…"

"Pfft" the girl continued to lean her head against the wall, staring at Kakashi with a smirk on her face; her relaxed body language contradicted the words she spoke to him, as if she wasn't intimidated in the slightest "The famous copy ninja Kakashi Hatake, known to all bounty hunters, his name written in more bingo books than can be counted... Yet, you appear to be even more of a creep than the old man who wrote that perversion you're reading"

Kakashi felt strange at her words, gripping his kunai knife tightly in the pocket of his pants. Was she an enemy? He quickly surveyed the area suspiciously as he seemed to be merely searching for a more comfortable way to stand. Hidden Mist Village headband... what the hell?

"Well.." now he was looking cautiously in the direction of the girl "you talk about manners, and you didn't introduced yourself... very hypocritical, don't you think?"

"Hmmm" the girl smiled again, and then pulled out a scroll from her pocket that opened in front of Kakashi "I have permission. And besides, I'm done with my work for now, so I’ll be leaving today. I was just wondering if you really are as cold hearted as everyone says..."

"And?" he looked away from the scroll, returning his gaze to the book that he still held open in his left hand "are they right?"

"I can only say that I'm disappointed" he felt the girl shrug her shoulders "well, see you next time, pervert."

He just hummed. Before he turned and continued walking towards that cursed, stupid rock, he heard the voice again.

"Oh, and did you hear," he looked and she was smiling very widely; something hot filled his stomach "that now the 4th part is being written? I mean, the creepy old man... you already know who I'm talking about."

She winked and disappeared from his sight as silently as she had come. As he continued to observe the now empty space where she had been a second ago, he felt feverishly lucky that he had not learned the girl's name. And if something happened to her, her name would not appear before his eyes in his nightmares.

mercy.

It was the 4th day of the chunin exams and Kakashi couldn't sit and wait any longer. The link with the birds that were relaying information about the happenings had been cut since Orochimaru had magically appeared, then disappeared. He felt nervous. He felt nervous and noticed that it came out in the way he peeled an orange, in the way he would grip the doorknob when he left the room to get some air, and in the way his leg bounced every now and then.

Perhaps he shouldn't have been so harsh with Iruka a few days earlier, saying that his students were now warriors. But he knew that if he had shown even a fraction of the insecurity he felt, his decision would not have carried the authority that now have. So because he wanted his ego to remain intact he left the company of the other jonin, who would probably feel his nervousness at any moment, then climbed onto the roof of the Hokage building and let the sun caress him.

They have the best chance to survive in the shinobi world if they ruthlessly face every obstacle. They have the best chance to survive in the shinobi world if they ruthlessly face every obstacle. I did not send them to their deaths. I did not send them to their deaths. Kakashi repeated those sentences to himself more than he would like to admit.

With big sigh he opened the 3rd book of Make-Out and stared blankly at the pages.

"Hahahaha, wait, wait, you're still reading that nonsense? How long has it been? 4 years?"

His smile curved beyond his will, though she didn't see it because of his mask. He didn't hear her when she got closer to him, like few years prior. How wonderful...

"And who are you?" he looked at her now with his head tilted to the side.

"Oh, that hurts, you know" said the girl with a sneer in her voice, sliding next to him "I know I'm not that *ultra famous* like you are, but we've already met. Plus even I have a target on my head now. These criminals' bingo books, blah blah" and Kakashi was aware of that. When he was in the Land of Waves on a mission with his team, about a month ago, he took Zabuza's bingo book with him. As he flipped through the pages he saw a familiar face, although for a moment he was slightly unsure if it was the girl he met a few years ago. The scar on her cheek was new...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Name: y/n

Rank: unknown, approach with caution

Village of Origin: A Hidden Mist village, Land of Water

Known Techniques: water manipulation, blood manipulation

Orders: wanted dead or alive

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Ah, many new faces lately..." he cooed while watching over village in those quiet moments. How the hell she keep finding him when he is alone? And he didn’t have much alone time since becoming leader od Team 7.

"By the way, your kids are holding up well there, as far as I could see" - now he looked at her "if I hadn't seen other things in my life, I would say that they are very young. But we both know it could have been worse. They'll finish the obstacle... they had that crazy determined look in their eyes about half a day ago."

"Search birds are not working for 3 days now."

"Ah well, we "watermen" don't use birds for surveillance. That's what you should have learned at your sweet little academy."

"The fact that you're not on the organizing team for this exams and yet have your own means of monitoring shouldn't surprise me?" Kakashi knew more than he asked. The ninja of the Village Hidden in the Mist were not at all interested in the official ninja ranking that the other villages held so dearly. They were ruthless warriors, deadly as soon as they left the academy, probably even then at chunin level. Now this is simply gathering information… he was aware of that from the moment the first registration from that village for the chunin exams in the last 7 years came. Only Kakashi wanted to know why…

"You know" the girl now closed her eyes and laid so still for a few minutes that the copy ninja thought she fell asleep "even though the rest of the ninjas in my village are furious because of what happened to Zabuza, I'm very grateful to you. I mean, I really wasn't the least bit touched by anything that happened to that... that.. him. But the way you treated Haku's body…"

Kakashi felt his stomach acid rising in his throat. Haku... another mistake of his. Another victim of chidori that shouldn't have been. Haku had a soul as pure as snow, Haku should have escaped... Haku shouldn't have ended up like Rin.

"In any case" now she opened her eyes, slightly teary, keeping Kakashi rooted in place "you showed mercy that our village has not experienced in a long time. Thank you for that. Especially since it was a boy who was kind."

Kakashi let out a soft breath although to his ears it was almost as loud as a scream. No one had ever seen him that way. No one had ever called him merciful... He felt dizzy... what the hell was this woman doing to him...

"Didn't you say last time that you made sure I'm cold-blooded like everyone says?"

"I think I actually said that I was disappointed. And by disappointed, I meant that I was expecting someone with a dirty aura, and I got something completely opposite."

Kakashi hummed, now loking at the village. But still feeling her eyes on him.

"And didn't you say you don't remember me?"

"Huh. Tushe."

stupid distraction.

Ever since he saw y/n at the time of chunin exams, Kakashi actually, even 6 months later, hasn't stopped seeing her. It turns out that y/n has actually been in high demand in the Lands of Water since last January, with a huge bounty on her head. Words circulated that with her blood manipulation, she forced the Mizukage's own brother to cut himself bit by bit with his blade until he died by his own hand in a pool of blood. Rumor has it that she left a letter written in his blood which said that his death was compensation for the rape of the girls from the Village Hidden in the Mist, one of whom is her cousin. Since blood revenge is completely justified in the villages of more southern longitude, the Mizukage made all the criminals of those villages duty to kill y/n on the spot or bring her alive. That's why she is in all bingo books.

He hadn't heard much about on whose permission she was in Konoha before, but when Tsunade came back and became Hokage she gave y/n asylum and declared her an auxiliary force. It turns out that during the chunin exams, she helped the village a lot in monitoring the enemy even though she didn't have to and therefore Tsunade befriended her very quickly.

What Kakashi really couldn't understand at the begining was how everyone got close to her so quickly. He found himself pretty often following y/n as she moved around Konoha, looking for anything that would make his suspicion justified. He watched when she stops by the market for fresh fruits and veggies, or talks to Kurenai in the street with a big smile, or when she practices her water control by the stream next to half a kilometer from the memorial stone. He wished he could just stand next to her and feel the warmth radiating from her up close again as she squirmed when she talked.

Which was out of the question now, sure, because she didn't want to talk to him anymore. But it certainly didn't stop him from being attracted to her warmth. Of course, it wasn't like that for the whole 6 months, it even seemed to him that she enjoyed being in his company for the first month. She kept popping up, each time making no sound as usual and going on and on about how Naruto had gotten stronger, how Kakashi needed to be more gentle with Sasuke, how maybe it was better for Sakura to learn 1 on 1 new techniques to help her reach personal, not someone else's potential. She told him how in her village she liked to go to the banks of the harbor early in the morning and look for children who were fishing by themselves and to use her "magic" to pull out a few fish. They would laugh and call y/n princess of the sea. With a very serious expression on her face she listed endless crazy reasons why Kakashi could wear a mask and swore in front of everyone present (even though they were actually alone) that one day she would find out what his face looked like. And when she talked she was beautiful.. actually, she was always beautiful. He mostly listened in silence, allowing the warm feeling in his chest to grow little by little with each of their conversations. He realized that he began to take the path to the memorial stone more often where there was a better chance of her jumping out. Once, she even came along with him as far as the stone itself, bowed and stood quietly for a while before whispering "at least you have a place to mourn your loved ones."

 However, that huddled routine that Kakashi looked forward to more than he'd like to admit stopped 10 days after Sasuke disappeared, and he ran into her for the first time after the failed mission. "You shouldn't blame yourself, you did everything you could" she was silent for a few minutes "I don't think you really could have stopped him.. you said yourself that Sasuke was stubborn. If you managed to bring him home, the question is whether he would still want to be a part of the team...". When Kakashi was still silent and tried to turn and leave she spoke again "When I lost my cousin I couldn't sleep for days, I blamed myself and wanted to die. But I realized that what was happening to us was inevitable, if she had survived then maybe the Mizukage would have sent his guards and...” “You trying to cover your guilt with failed excuses shows what person you are like.. I will not live in such a miserable field” when the anger came out of him with that sentence Kakashi realized how wrong he was and tried to speak again, but a cold "I got it, go bathe in guilt if that's what you want" cut him off with eyes that glared at him. Y/n left after that and didn't speak to him again to this day.

So he was left to watch her from a distance. In moments when he felt lonely he blamed her. He often let his frustration get the better of him and then tried to talk to others about his doubts and pin his ugly feelings on y/n. Unfortunately for him, everyone loved her, starting with Gai who was finally getting a talkback about the flower of youth and someone with whom his passionate level would be similar.Kurenai finally felt close to a female ninja and laughter could always be heard from Tsunade's office when she was in. Genma showed a closeness to her like he hadn't with anyone in a long time... Kurenai even mentioned that they went on a date after some difficult mission. Which is perfectly fine and didn't leave Kakashi choking on a feeling he hadn't felt before at all. Hot again, but not in a nice way, it even felt a little like anger. And now he was standing in the Hokage's office wondering how a ninja with chakra that was impaled on a water core could cause so much fire.

"Well Kakashi, it's time for another S-rank mission" Tsunade smiled at him, holding sake in her left hand. It was already dusk and her paperwork work was due in about an hour, so her advisors weren't in the room "I hope you had enough time to rest."

"And if I said I didn't, it wouldn't change the situation much" he wasn't looking anywhere in particular while keeping his hands in his pockets. He was on the last mission for a full 3 weeks. Of course he was chakra exhausted. Of course he felt tired. Of course he wanted to do nothing but sleep, read Make-out, and visit the memorial stone. And check out what y/n is doing…

"You know yourself that the level of missions has increased since the death of the 3rd Hokage and the destruction of the village. All our enemies strike us now because they're hoping to catch us in weakness. Unfortunately we don't have enough jonin to cover the steady increase in S rank missions...so there is no time for long breaks. This one is especially hard, so you'll get an escort."

"Ah, escort..." now he was looking at the ceiling, how interesting tiles... "didn't you say that sending couple jonin rank ninjas on a mission is a waste of resources? That it should be done only in exceptional cases? Or you've actually started caring about me? In that case my heart is about to break…"

"This is an exceptional case, Kakashi" Tsunade got up from the chair and sat on the table directly observing Kakashi "the fact is that many jonin go on missions with their genin and chunin and they consider it a kind of vacation, because all those missions are B rank at worst. However, that privilege has been taken away from you since Sasuke escaped and Naruto went to train who knows where with Jiraiya" when she noticed that Kakashi would not respond to her remark she sighed deeply and continued "since this mission involves going into enemy territory you will take escort."

"Enemy territory?"

"Land of Waves to be precise. Y/n was already notified this morning that she has been assigned an S rank mission and will need to be your guide and support."

"Y/n?!" Kakashi felt his anger spreading through his body, so he tried with all his might, fists clenched in his pockets, to calm his breathing; he spoke very slowly and quietly "y/n has a huge bounty on her head in those villages. Or did you miss that? They will kill her as soon as she gets close."

"The scroll that was stolen is very important to Konoha, Kakashi " she held the tip of the nose with her eyes closed "y/n knows the risk and she accepted it. It was her duty at the end of the day" as she looked at him determinedly "as it was yours to take orders from the Hokage. You have a mission to complete, and for efficiency you'll bring a guide with you, who, if I must remind you, is also a jonin who does S-rank missions. You will take care of each other."

"You can't send her with me" he couldn't stop his legs from getting a little closer to her "you can't send her there, it will only be a big distraction."

"The decision has been made" she handed him the scroll looking at him resolutely "the deadline for the mission is 1 week. If you do not return by then, help will be sent to you. All the details are in the scroll, I expect a successful report when you return. That's it, you can go."

"But, Lady Tsunade –"

"That's it Kakashi" a small crack was heard from the wood of the table that cracked under Tsunade's pressure "you can go."

Damn it he thought.

i’m so sorry.

"Of course you're late" y/n looked at Kakashi leaning against the wall of village gate, her bag on the floor between her legs.

"You won't believe what an infestation of angry geese was in front of my house" he smiled at her, scratching the back of his head.

"Yes, yes. Move then..." she just walked away leaving him standing there for a few moments staring at her. He wondered if she knew where he was going before every mission. He wondered if she could see through his acting with that haunting gaze.

-

After few hours passed, in not so pleasant but endurable silence, air was getting colder. Kakashi felt his fingers slowly tingle, frantically trying to warm them in his pockets.

"Fuck.." muttered next to him y/n holding a finger in the air that was covered in water and her chakra "fuck, fuck."

"What's wrong?" he asked quietly, observing their surroundings. They were around 25 kilometers away from Konoha for a pretty short time because they were running most of the way wanting to reach the border of Land of Water by evening. It's only about an hour to the small town. They were currently in an open area and Kakashi desperately wanted to get out of the way as soon as possible.

"Once every few years Land of Water gets a period of so-called „false winter“"y/n blurted out through her teeth, keeping her gaze still on the water that was wrapped around her finger "you see? There is a thin layer of hoarfrost gathering on the surface. It's not cold enough to freeze, but maybe, in 2 days, it will be enough."

"And what do those winters look like? Should we expect snow?"

"Probably not. The problem with this winters is that they are very cold and wet. On the other hand they never last more than a week. But people freeze to death because winters come so suddenly, so we have to be very careful. And of course, to return home as soon as possible."

"Clearly..." Kakashi spoke in a moment, swearing at his fate. This mission probably couldn't get any worse.

He watched y/n wipe hands on her pants, and warming the hand she had attached the water to by slowly blowing into it. He couldn't resist the urge and slowly put his hand on her shoulder. She looked at him with a look that almost brought him to his knees. Honest, clean, which allows the color of her eyes to completely come to the fore.

"Don't worry" he said quietly, now in some incomprehensible fear of not scaring her further, and with a huge desire to slowly dance his fingers on her face... to get rid of every concern "we will finish this mission successfully. Everything will be alright."

"Mhm" the girl in front of him uttered a falsely cheerful voice "and even if something happens, you won't have to swim in pool of pathetic excuses so I'm not even worried about you" she slipped out of his touch with the speed of an eye blink "it's time to go and find a room if we don't want to sleep in the cold."

"Y/n..." he tried

"Come on" she interrupted him already ready for a new round of running "don't lose sight of me."

-

When they arrived at the room they had barely rented as it was the last one in a shack at the very end of a famous town, within reach of a Village Hidden in Mist, Kakashi thanked every exalted being that existed for the 2 large separte beds in their room. As he made the beds, placed the maps on the floor of the room, took the food out of his bag, he listened to the sound of the shower coming out of the bathroom and suddenly he felt terribly hot. Although he had never been intimate with a woman... or anyone really, out of constant fear of getting hitched and that person dying, Kakashi actually often felt very lustful. It had appeared in flashbacks before, when he saw a pretty girl at one of his missions, when he passed a public women's bath, when he was reading his books... however he had never wanted something or someone so much that it made him act on that lust. The present moment, on the other hand, was driving him completely insane. Yes, he thought y/n was very very beautiful and her strong character was surprisingly attractive. He thought her smile was as sweet as honey and there was nothing warmer than her beautiful disposition. And yes, sure, one time when they happened to be together in a bar with mutual friends, not talking to each other of course, he got surprisingly turned on by one look at her bare legs. Although now he thought that that arousal could not even be considered arousal because what he was feeling right now was 10 times stronger. When he realized that if he continued like this he would either go crazy, or unwillingly go and do something.. with her, or cum within a full minute Kakashi went into deep concentration considering the mission.

After a few minutes y/n came out in a plain t-shirt and shorts, no bandages on her arms and legs so now he could see a lot of small cuts on the lenght of her arms. He felt that she could see that he was looking at her and he just kept his eyes on her waiting for her to speak.

"We have very hard endurance training as kids" y/n muttered noticing Kakashi is staring at her "they're not as gentle with us at the academy as they are with you. Especially if you are female."

"I understand" he looked at her with full attention "it must have been difficult for you."

"Of course it was" she threw herself on the bed with a sigh, letting her wet hair fall on the pillow "although we don't talk much about it. What happened happened."

"Does it bother you that I saw?" he left the question floating in the air. Her thighs were dripping with water that she hadn't wiped off. He wondered what it would feel like to run his lips over them.

"No" she fell silent a little and looked him directly in the eye "even though I don't agree with you about some things, I believe you. I've seen how you treat others. You always put someone else's life before your own and I really appreciate that. So the result is that I'm not ashamed of who I am right now. At least not in front of you."

Kakashi's legs walked on their own towards the bed where y/n lay. He wanted to comfort her, he wanted to kiss every cut on her body, he wanted to show her that she can show her vulnerable side. When she saw him coming towards her y/n sat down in a meditation pose leaving room for the ninja to sit on the other end of the bed which he did. When some time had passed Kakashi removed the headband from his other eye and looked at her with both eyes open. He noticed how the girl in front of him was trying like hell not to stare at his sharingan now, her eyes darting left and right as she paid attention to both eyes.

"I'm so sorry" mumbled Kakashi "I'm so fucking sorry for what I said the last time we spoked. If I could, I would do everything differently."

She watched him quietly. Then uncertainly reached out a shaky hand and touched his scar just below his eye which made Kakashi wince. What the hell was he thinking?! If she wanted to, she could have dug out his eye and taken it to the enemy!

"Sleep. Tomorrow is a tough one" he spoke harshly when, without looking at her again, he stood up and went to take a shower. Then hating himself, he entered the room again and saw her pretending to sleep with slightly red eyes from crying.

regrets.

The next day, they were already passing few small communites, moving through the Land of Waves. They only had a few more hours of walking left before they entered the Village Hidden in the Mist, and darkness was already slowly falling. Both of them had bought long coats on their way out of the city, so that the cold, which was slowly but surely getting into their bones, could be endured. However, Kakashi was feverishly aware of one thing – this all seemed too easy. They hadn't encountered a single ninja so far, there was no sign of anyone noticing who y/n was and the road was passable without control.

"Probably because of the cold " y/n mumbled trying to gather the cold mist into droplets on her palm when Kakashi shared his worries with her "I told you people doesn't handle it well enough in these parts."

"Hmm" he watched as the mist and chakra slowly danced and merged at the tip of her palm, making water "it would certainly be good if we didn't linger here for much longer. Considering how in demand you are here and how cold it can be."

"It's good that we left most of the things in that hut" now she let the water slowly drip from her fingers "being overloaded would only slow us down. And since sleeping in any hut here is not an option because of our bountys, and sleeping outside is not because of the cold, we can only finish the mission tonight and return to the hut tomorrow night."

"Sure thing, lady" he hummed.

-

It was the dead of night when they were half a kilometer from the base, which did not seem protected. Guards were probably inside because of the cold, Kakashi thought. The fog enveloped them and honestly suffocated him slightly even with the mask he always wore. When the wind blew, it would whip his face and make him shake for a moment. It was very cold. He watched as y/n looked at the white rabbit with small cut on right ear in confusion, crouching. He took out his kunai sorry little guy.

"No" she spoke quietly next to him "white rabbits are not always a distraction... don't worry."

"I hope you didn't trick me...trust me i will find out and it won't end well for you."

She glared at him, tilting her head to the side... a sarcastic smile moved to adorn her lips.

"How are you not ashamed?" she whispered, but because of the silence of the night he heard her very well "I sacrificed myself for your village in this half year than for mine my whole fucking life" she poked him in the chest with her finger "I was more polite to you than you deserve. And I would have fucking killed you in your sleep last night if I wanted to."

"You remained as fiery and hot as the last time I saw you" spoke a voice from the shadows behind them. Kakashi lifted his headband and grabbed the shuriken in his pockets. However a stiff y/n caught his attention more.

"Y/n" the copy ninja cracked "y/n what's going on?!"

"Shino..." she whispered confusedly looking into the darkness. How the hell do these swamp ninjas manage to be so damn quiet??

"What's up beautiful," out of the darkness, where y/n was looking, a tall ninja came out with the band of the village hidden in the mist hanging around his neck. His entire body except face was covered in bandages and a blade similar to Zabuza's was attached to his back… this is not good "you know I missed you."

"You tried to kill me" Kakashi watched y/n holding outstretched hand in front of her, chakra on the surface of her palm trembled slightly "I trusted you and you tried to kill me."

"Princess" a sneer was heard in his voice, he raised both hands above his head as if he wanted to show her that he did not want to hurt her "business is business, nothing personal."

"I loved you and you tried to kill me" her voice trembled as she turned her hand upwards and the ninja fell to his knees still with a smile on his face, his blue eyes sparkling in the moonlight

Kakashi tried to use the Sharingan to quickly assess the situation, but realized that there was nothing to be gained from it. The fog was too thick, the night was too dark and he didn't fucking know what to do. Should he summon Pakun? Should he kill the asshole on the spot?

"I see you still like bad boys, princess. But you yourself know that in the end you are regretted by everyone, in the end everyone sees how weak you are." Shino spoke with difficulty on his knees, a grimace on his face, probably due to blood manipulation "you still chose none other than Kakashi of sharingan. I'm impressed" he was looking at Kakashi now, a dirty smile returning to his lips "you know the redwater brothers want you dead ever since you killed Zabuza... that wasn't nice of you Kakashi."

"Ah, business is business, isn't it, nothing personal" Kakashi smiled with his eyes.

"Hah" Shino looked at y/n again "honestly, I never even loved you. What has to happen happens."

Then several things happens at once. Kakashi saw the ninja on his knees turning into water with his sharingan, and heard rustling behind them. Fucking water clone.

"Fucking shit -" Kakashi whispered furiously under his breath, quickly turning on his heels and activating chidori. A few seconds passed before he stood behind y/n shielding her back and pierced the spot where Shino's heart was with his chidori. The ninja fell from his hand, along with his blade with a dull thud. Kakashi turned to look at y/n who was looking at him with wide eyes and felt a searing pain in his chest. With a low curse he fell to his knees as he realised that he was almost cut open in half.

"No!" y/n shouted as she quickly knelt in front of him with her hands glowing with chakra "Kakashi, Kakashi, keep your eyes on mine."

Is this it? He thought as his head reeled. Although his eyes seemed to be open, he saw nothing. He only heard the soft sound of chakra vibrating somewhere nearby and shallow breats. Maybe some whimpers. But he wasn't sure.

"Kakashi! I will never talk to you again if you die now" a distant soft voice cracked "I can't lose you. I don't want to lose you."

"I l-lied" he spoke quietly, not sure if she heard him at all, but he tried anyway "you are very brave... so brave it scares me... So, of c-c-course you are not week. Of course you're not a dis-straction. Of course I don't regret going here with y-you."

"Look at me, I'm begging you."

The last atoms of power Kakashi focused on what appeared to be y/n's face. When his vision sharpened a little he saw a smile or a twitch, he wasn't quite sure, and the beautiful color of the eyes that he had come to love so much.

"You are so beautiful."

lavander.

When Kakashi woke up in a dark room that smelled of lavender he was sure he was dead. He tried to blink hard a few times and shake the sleep from his eyes before he managed to sit up. His mask was still there, though he was dressed in plain clothes and covered with a thick blanket. Although he was warm, the air in room was cold. He realized that he was in the hut where he and y/n had left their things before they went to the Land of Waves. When he turned to the right he saw lavender in a pot and a small letter. He took the letter and began to read.

By all accounts you should wake up before I’m back. I left medicinal herbs, tea and food on your table. Don't even think of touching the bandage. I managed to sew up the wound completely, but it's better that the bandage soaked with medicinal water stays until I return, just in case. Of the flowers in the local flower shop, there were only lavenders because of the winter, I hope you are not allergic. Hehe. I went to get that stupid scroll and finish the mission so I'll be back soon. Don't follow me. You lost a lot of blood and strength. Please wait. I'll be back, trust me.

P.S. I didn't peek under your mask. Pinky promise.

-

Those few hours in which Kakashi drank all the tea, ate all the food and thought about the best way to go after her, felt like days. He realized with great amazement that y/n had somehow managed to heal entire wound which now only itched, not hurt. He felt very exhausted as he looked out the window at the rain falling wrapped in a blanket. It must have been terribly cold outside. How many days did he sleep? How is y/n? Is she hurt? What if they catch her and kill her? What if she's already dead? How many days has she actually been out of the hut? If she is dead he will kill everyone who is responsible. But he is responsible... He let his guard down and let that jerk almost kill him and that's why y/n is out there alone now. He won't be able to live with himself if she's dead. He was too tired. He will rest for only half an hour more and then he will leave. Towards her. Yes, that sounds like a good idea.

Knock knock.

Kakashi stood up with his heart pounding. They found him. But if they found him that means they will wait there for y/n to come back and then kill her easily. He took the kunai, opened the sharingan eye and cautiously approached the door. He wouldn’t let that happen. When he flung open the door he saw y/n with gentle eyes watching him, a scroll in one hand, a Shino’s blade in the other. She was wearing a normal ninja uniform and was soaked to the core. Y/n smiled widely at him but fatigue was very visible on her face. Her body was shaking uncontrollably from the cold.

"Oh thank heavens, you're awake" it came as sigh from her lips "I didn't want to drop any of this on the floor. Sorry if you had to get up. Everything went smoothly. Mission is complete."

He quietly helped her inside, took the things from her hands and put them on the floor. When he went to turn on the shower so that somehow hot water would warm up y/n he realized that there was no use because the water had frozen in the pipes.

"The shower doesn't work" he rasped and realized that it was probably the first thing he had said in days "change into something dry. We need to warm you up."

Kakashi then placed 2 blankets over each other on his bed and pulled y/n who was now only in a t-shirt and shorts (because that was the only thing dry) into bed with him. He hugged her tightly, limbs completely intertwined, his hands rubbing hers, trying to bring some warmth back into her body. All this with full awareness of how she was lying next to him in just shorts and a t-shirt. He fought the growing erection in his underwear, thinking about anything but the woman in his arms that he wanted more than anything else.

"I thought you were going to die" she spoke quietly against his chest, probably more to herself than to him, but he certainly heard her very clearly.

"You saved my life, Thank you" he mumbled against her hair.

Now she cocked her head hard and fast locking her eyes with his, fire in them, just the way Kakashi loved it.

"If it wasn't for you, I would be dead" she snapped angrily, holding his gaze with hers, now he kept his sharingan eye open "I just did one tolerable, but miserable thing."

"You are extraordinary. Really. I’m all heald now thanks to you. When I woke up today I felt like whole new person. Thank you" he lightly touched her cheek with his hand "And I don't know if that went through your crazy little head, but the last thing I want is to let people I care about die while I'm just watching from the sidelines. That very much includes you."

As if momentarily embarrassed, she looked away from him and brought her head back to rest on his chest. She breathed deeply.

When he noticed that the normal temperature was slowly returning to her body and the shivers stopped being so strong Kakashi let out a soft laugh.

"I don’t believe a thing you say,"

"What?" y/n cocked her head again looking into Kakashi's one open eye with a confused expression. That made him grin even wider.

"I don't believe you didn't look under the mask."

The girl in his arms scoffed looking at him with mocking eyes "My curiosity is big, but not so much that I want to play dirty. If i really wanted to see what's underneath I'd make you show me yourself."

"And?" Kakashi felt his breath slowly run out of anticipation "do you want to see it that badly?"

She looked at his mask silently then studied his open eye.

"You want to show me?" she asked quietly, and he just continued to watch her, with an unknown glow. She slowly removed both hands from the blanket and ran her fingers to the top of his mask. Her hands were shaking slightly and Kakashi realized with something, ah here it is again, very warm in his stomach that she wasn't shaking from the cold this time. Y/n slowly removed the mask from his face as he watched her carefully. When the whole cloth was finally removed, she sighed deeply. A soft smile graced her lips.

"Ah, what a disappointment" her gaze circled all over his face "nothing of the huge lips and horse teeth."

Kakashi felt his lips curl into a smile. He hugged her a little tighter.

"You are so beautiful. Gorgeous even." she looked him in the eye and now he was terribly, terribly hot all over. No one ever addressed those words to him. His body just moved closer to her until her lips were only inches away from his. He felt her breath brush his lips. He was waiting for her to do something… anything.. to give him the green light. Because no matter how much he wanted to, he couldn't move on his own. Such tender and fragile moments were not frequent in his life, and suddenly he was terribly afraid of breaking this too. However when y/n pressed her lips to his all worries were quickly erased from his mind.

They kissed deeply and slowly as he ran his hands all over her body. He made sounds he didn't know he was capable of, but realized that nothing compared to her sighs and moans from the kiss. He slowly moved from her lips to her neck which he had been watching for so long as they talked months from now, taking deep breaths.

"How perfect you are" he murmured as she melted in his arms. She ran her hands first over his shoulders, then his back, finally letting her hands go under his shirt. He moaned burying his head deeper into her neck.

"Kakashi..." came out of her mouth like a plea, as if it was too much for her.

"I know y/n, I know," he breathed a big, hard sigh as he held her hips tightly so she wouldn't move against him anymore. It was very clear to him that she felt how much he wanted her. And he now wanted her to show her how much he wanted her "can I touch you?"

She looked at him with a warm look and red cheeks, then nodded briskly.

He let his hand dance from her neck, over her stomach, down to her lower abdomen where he pressed his hand firmly.

He kissed all over her hands, all the little cuts he'd seen just a few days before.

"Perfect. So fucking perfect. Lift your hips for me pretty girl" he whispered softly.

When he took off her shorts and realized how wet she was, he almost cummed In his pants at that moment.

He just touched her enterance briefly and she moaned leaning into his touch. Nothing has happened yet and he was so fucking turned on. Turned on by her smooth skin, maddening smell, her sighs, moans... This is 100x better than any erotic novel. He slowly kissed her clit, than licked it experimentally. Y/n closed her eyes and left her hands flying to his hair, hips bucking up to meet his mouth.

'Look at me, let me see you" he darkly whispered against her pussy, looking at her with his both eyes. He then licked and sucked her swollen clit, eyes never leaving hers, making her moaning mess.

"Fuck Kakashi, fuck" she cried pressing one hand against her mouth, than changing mind and letting that hand grip on his hair too "i need you now. Please."

He stopped for a second watching her.

"Are you.. -"

"Yes, yes, and don’t you fucking dare to leave now."

"Sure thing pretty lady" he smiled against her heat.

He took his time, exploring every exposed piece of skin now that he took her t-shirt off too. He blinked open the sharingan again and he was so damn happy that he could predict how she would react to every touch. He looked at her; sprawled out underneath him, with her face flushed, lips swollen.

"Have I ever told you that you are perfect?" he had that boyish smile now, looking at her lovingly.

"Pervert" she grinned while kissing him quickly.

"Ah yes" he left few kisses to her neck again "I remember you calling me that a few times" he put his fingers on her clit making her to squirm with embarrassment.

"Please Kakashi" her voice was so fucking sweet "I need you. Please."

"Need you too" he mumbled against her lips "so much. My beautiful girl."

Then all he could feel was her. She clouded all five senses and he felt like he was going insane. It was over far too quickly.

"Madness" he whispered in her ear and nuzzled her neck, thrusting deep and steady "you are madness."

He gave a few last thrusts and reached down with his hand to help her finish. It wasn’t long until she was writhing and whimpering underneath him.

He kissed the top of her head before he pulled her into him protectively, feeling sleepy. Enjoying the feeling of her skin flush against his, her sweet smell and now steady breaths he felt his body completely relaxing.

As he slowly drifted off to sleep he asked quietly against her hair "do you want to go out sometime?"

[yesokaythatsfine69]

The Beach (Levi Ackerman x reader)

Description: During the beach scene in attack on titan. I changed this scene a bit because I felt it could be more light hearted and more fun after the cut. So be aware that it may not be that exact scene (in terms of what gets said) but roughly the same idea.

Characters: Y/n, Levi, Hange, Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Jean, Sasha, Connie

Pov: third person

Warnings: none, this is pure fluff and just chill vibes.

A/n: HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEVI ACKERMAN! Hello! As of right now I'll be focusing the next several pieces on AOT. This is the third and the final piece I'll be writing about Levi. Feel free to request any Levi Ackerman writings at any time though. Have a good read!

Word Count:

Song suggestion: This has nothing to do with this piece but I've been jamming to Judas by Lady Gaga so if ur not a nerd listen to it.

*none of the Gifs used are mine, full credit goes to the maker

The dust that Scout's horses picked up enclosed around them, swallowing them up in a thick cloud of brown. The air was similarly thick around them.

Her hands were shaking, clutching the reigns of her horse, pulling them close to her chest. Y/n wasn't scared though. The things she'd experienced in the almost four years since she'd joined the scouts had changed what the concept of fear was for her. She felt tense- anxiety ridden. She felt like something was about to happen, and the way Eren spoke- it definitely was.

They passed a wall, and Eren's voice cut through the long silence. "I'm sure of it. This is the place where they turned the Eldians titan, which means just up there."

He beckoned them on, rushing his horse forward. Armin swallowed harshly, his eyes meeting y/n's for a beat. They shared a look, that displayed their mutual concerns before it broke.

Y/n had kept close to Armin, whose presence often calmed her. It was strange, but Armin never hid his emotions or disguised his fear (something her friends did so often.) And there was comfort in that. It made her feel less vulnerable.

Levi often teased her for that- but she knew he respected their friendship. Y/n looked to where he rode ahead of her. His hands were steady, expression focused. It unnerved her how he could be so calm.

She blinked away her focus, returning her gaze back to looking straight ahead. Eren led the group to what appeared to be a cliff, and when they reached the top...they saw.

The group seemed to all stop at once, realizing what they found. It was silent, except for the blowing of the waves before them. It was water- the ocean. They all stared, stunned.

Sasha and Connie had mutual expressions of open mouth wonder. Y/n just stared, aghast. Eren on the other hand looked unsurprised and almost bored.

One by one they slipped off the backs of their horses, most rolling up their pant legs and trodding into the water.

Y/n did a little dance in the water, laughing as Connie playfully splashed Sasha in the eyes. Sasha screamed in pain, "my eyes!" After she recovered, she splashed Connie back. Or tried to. At the last second Connie ducked and the salty sea spray hit y/n dead in the face instead.

"Sasha!" Her friend giggled sheepishly. Y/n tackled her into the water, the two becoming completely soaked. Connie chuckled at their antics, pointing his index finger at them with his right hand and keeping his left to his chest. The two girls shared a mischievous look which caused Connie's laughter to die out immediately.

"Take him down!" "Hiya!" Working in sync the two tackled him into the water. The three resurfaced and giggled at each other's soaked expressions. "It's so salty!" Jean was a few paces ahead of them and had just drank some of the water.

"Jean what the fuck. You really need to stop putting things into your mouth if you don't know what's in them." Y/n stood up, twisting her hair to relieve it of some water. Raising a brow, Jean leaned towards her. "Says the girl deep diving into it. Armin says there's nothing in here but salt anyway, and besides someone was bound to drink from here. I just saved them the extra hassle." Y/n flicked water at him. "How gallant of you."

Eren's monologue interrupted them then, they way he sounded close to tears, his voice creaking at the last sentence begged for their concentration. "Will we finally be free?" No one spoke, whatever light mood that existed now diminished.

"way to kill the mood Jaeger." Jean muttered, but he seemed just as solemn as Eren. "Don't worry, I'll lighten it up." Y/n shoved Jean down, and into the water. He landed with a surprised yelp and everyone turned, broken out of their private misery.

"Really y/l/n!" Jean spat, his cheeks dusted with blush. Y/n giggled, until she was cut off by Jean grabbing her and pulling her down into the water. "Shit!" She gasped out, landing in the water beside him.

"Are you serious! Jean, I just rang out my hair!" Jean opened his mouth to retort when sasha and Connie interrupted, shouting "Dog pile!" Jean and Y/n's eyes widened. "No!" "Wait-!" As Kenny once said, kaboom.

Now, all four of them were completely soaked, but none of them really cared. They bursted out laughing, each pointing at one another in amusement. The reflex seemed almost unnatural- it'd been so long since her last belly laugh. Connie, Sasha, and Jean felt similar and the tears they shed weren't just from their chuckles, but something deeper.

Y/n left the three to splash each other, waddling over to Armin, Mikasa, and Eren. Eren still looked off into the horizon but the tenseness in his shoulders seemed lighter. "What do you have there, Armin." She spoke softly to her friend, marveling at the shell he had gently lying in his palms. "Some sort of shell..." His gaze met hers. "I'm sure there have to be hundreds here." Y/n smiled.

"Did you think it'd be like this? Big, breezy, and beautiful?" Armin looked up, looking beyond Eren. "Maybe something close...I just never expected to actually see it...let alone feel it." They shared another look before they turned to Mikasa. She had gotten closer to Eren, but her gaze was in the water. She was kicking at it, her expression unreadable.

"hmmm." Y/n hummed, tapping her chin. She took off, running past Eren and to the left of him. "Hey! Y/l/n, don't go out too far!" Levi called after her. At the left edge, she stopped, bending down and searching fervently in the waters.

"There must be hundreds..."she mumbled to herself, brow furrowed in concentration. "Ah hah!" She straightened, a single white shell lying in the palm of her hand. She ran back, to armin, mikasa, and Eren. She skidded to a stop directly in front of Mikasa, who gave her an amused look.

Y/n dropped to a knee, sticking up her palm. "For my favorite Ackerman!" "Oi!" Levi grunted from behind her and Mikasa blushed. "Thank you, y/n." The young girl smiled, gently picking up the shell. "You are my favorite y/l/n." Y/n crossed her arms. "I'm the only y/l/n." Mikasa smiled a bit brighter.

Eren had turned towards them, snapping out of his gaze from the unusual commotion. He had watched the two interact and the way Mikasa had gently lifted the shell and just as gently cradled it caused the corner of his lips to upturn.

Y/n noticed. "I can find you one too, Eren. Although I'm afraid finding one as pretty as Armin's is impossible and thus out of the question." Eren softened and shook his head. "No, thank you, y/n." She stood up from her position, and was immediately wrapped in a quick hug from Mikasa.

"Oh! What's this?" Hanje lifted something reminiscent of a burnt rock from the water, gently rubbing her fingers over it. Y/n drew closer, allowing Hanje to explain all of the oddities she found. Y/n nodded along, only half understanding what her friend was ranting about.

Finally Hanje gasped with delight- cutting herself off. "there's more over here!" She pranced away from y/n, pausing several steps away and bending down to search for more.

Finally y/n turned to Levi, who had already been watching her. He seemed so out of place it was funny. His arms were crossed and he looked disinterested...but y/n knew that he was just uncomfortable. They watched each other, taking their differences in.

Really Levi couldn't believe how different two people could be. There y/n stood, a breeze sifting through her hair, her entire outfit completely soaked, and a stupid grin on her face. She was some brat- he'd admit it.

"You're going to get sick, y/n." She smiled, wading through the low tide to where he stood. "You'd love the chance to take care of me." "Tch, I deal with you enough as is." The two had shortened the distance between each other.

The wind ruffled his undercut. "It's a lot less scary than it looks." Y/n gently nudged him with her shoulder. "I'm not scared." Levi gave her a sharp look and anyone one else would've slinked away, but y/n wasn't anyone else- especially not to Levi.

Gently she took his hand in hers, squeezing it softly. He narrowed his eyes, the silver orbs twinkling against the sunset. He interlaced his fingers with her own though, his deep admiration for y/n often undermined his "tough guy" resolve.

Y/n smiled at him, "Okay old man are you going to roll up those pants or will I have to?" Levi sighed, grumbling under his breath as he bent down. "If I get sick from this-" she rolled her eyes. "Levi it's water. The thing you bathe in, clean with, drink. You will not get sick."

He pulled a sock off. "Tch, I once saw you find a piece of uneaten bread hidden behind books in the library, and watched you eat it without question. I don't believe anything you say about what's healthy and what's not, brat." Y/n helped him fold his socks neatly next to his shoes. "That was one time!" He paused. "And it's scarred into my memory."

Again, y/n rolled her eyes. However, the smile on her never even flinched. She grabbed Levi's hand and yanked him forward. He gasped, but y/n only sped up. "Oi, oi, oi, wait! You're going to fast, we'll-" They splashed into the water, splashing it up to their faces.

Levi's eyes were wide, and he seemed absolutely at a loss for what to do with himself. Finally he met her gaze, and saw how she looked at him. Levi felt his cheeks flush. "Tch, fine it's not as bad as I thought." He turned to leave, but she yanked him back to her.

"hey, hey, hey mateo, mateo." She pulled him so that his side was resting against her, he turned back to y/n. "Stay awhile." She said gently. Her smile had changed now, and Levi noticed. His shoulders relaxed. He realized now why this was so important to her. This could be the last chance they had.

Then she kicked water at him.

"Y/n!" She laughed and backed deeper into the water. "You may be humanity's greatest titan fighter..." She began to move her arms around wildly. "But I am humanity's greatest Levi Ackerman fighter." Levi sighed, unamused. "You got water on my pants!" He moved towards her.

"The target approaches, seemingly irritated." She backed away. "Tch, Seemingly?" Levi's hand balled into fists. "He's going deeper into enemy territory, what will y/n do?" "Y/n should run." Levi got closer.

He jumped at her, and she tackled him, the two landing into the water. Once again y/n became instantly soaked, and Levi was now in the same boat, wet completely from head to toe. "It is salty!" Levi gasped out, his arms still wrapped around y/n. "Did you think we were all lying before?" Y/n laughed, watching as Levi struggled to get salty water from his eyes.

He pulled his fist from his eye, finally looking at y/n. She was soaked, probably more than he was, but she was as radiant as could be, her eyes shining, her smile wide, and her hair blowing softly. He stared at her several seconds, lost in how beautiful she was. Sometimes he had a difficult time believing that someone like her could ever be interested in someone like him. "I love you." He clutched her tighter to him.

Her face became more serious, and she closed her mouth. Y/n gently put a wet thumb on his cheek. "I love you too, Levi." They stayed there, in that moment together.

"and yet I'm only your second favorite Ackerman." Y/n sighed, going to pull away, but Levi grabbed her and to her surprise he laughed.

"What's so funny?" Levi and y/n turned, Connie, Sasha, Jean, Hanje, Eren, Armin, and Mikasa all stood over them.

"None of your business, brats." Levi said, crossing his arms. The group shared a glance. "Oh, no, guys wait-" Connie, Sasha, Jean, Hanje, and Mikasa attacked, jumping to tackle them, splashing and creating a mini hurricane.

Armin and Eren watched, still standing. Armin was smiling, whilst Eren's expression still remained cautious. The tension he had carried moments before abandoned him though, and it seemed as though now for the small moment they had, they all realized- only now could they truly live it.

Today was today and that was all they had for certain.

"There's water in a place where water should definitely not be!"

"Don't make me drown you!"

"Who's foot is this?"

"What's gonna happen when we leave? Will we still be wet?"

"GODDAMNIT I KEEP SWALLOWING IT! WHY DOES IT BURN!"

"you all are no match for my skills- I am unconquerable!"

"Yeah, I'm never doing this again."

Armin turned to Eren. "Sometimes... sometimes I believe that it'll never get better than this." He took a breath and Eren put a hand on his shoulder. "Right now...I think...I think you may be right, Armin."

--------------------------------------------------

A/n: hey guys! I hope you enjoyed this, feel free to request more Levi Ackerman or to give critism. Merry Christmas!

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[homoose]

Love Has a Learning Curve: deleted scene 3

Summary: A flipped POV/extended scene from the night reader told Spencer that they’re going to be parents (part x of lhalc)

Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!reader

Category: fluff

Warnings/Includes: pregnancy, implied sex (obviously lol)

Word count: 2k

a/n: pls this is unedited so just ignore any typos

Series Masterlist

———

They said their goodbyes and final congratulations to Luke and Penny, and then they were sitting in silence in Spencer’s Volvo. She could feel Spencer panicking next to her— in the car, up the sidewalk, across from her in their kitchen. After two weeks of her own internal panic, now she was standing in front of him, and she couldn’t meet his worried gaze. 

“Please say something,” he begged. 

“I—” She paused, took a deep breath, and forced herself to look at him. “I’m pregnant.”

She watched as his IQ plummeted. “What?”

“I don’t know how it happened. I mean— I know how it happened, I just. I don’t know how it happened.” She laughed nervously, studying his face for any readable emotion. “I’m sure you can tell me the statistics about the effectiveness of birth control—” He opened his mouth, and she held up her hand, begged with watery eyes, “Please don’t tell me about the effectiveness of birth control right now.” 

“Okay,” he breathed. 

She didn’t think she could handle hearing about it, and besides: “The statistics don’t really matter anyway, because obviously it wasn’t effective, and now I’m pregnant.”

He opened and closed his mouth a few times, a little like a fish, before murmuring, “You’re sure?”

“I took seven home tests,” she confirmed, voice wavering. “All positive. And then I went to the doctor on Wednesday. To be sure. And she, um— she’s sure.”

He nodded. “How do you feel?” 

His tone was even, his face neutral, and she couldn’t figure out if that was a good thing or a bad thing. She could feel the tears brimming, threatening to spill over. “I’m sorry.”

He couldn’t seem to stay neutral then, frowning and cocking his head. “Why are you sorry?”

“Because we— we didn’t talk about this.” She gestured wildly with her hands, the emotion finally spilling over and her fears toppling out of her mouth. “I never asked you what you want. And I— I don’t want you to think I’m trying to trap you, or—”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” He took a step toward her before he froze, cursed under his breath, and asked, “Can— can you just. Just wait here for one minute. I’ll be right back.”

He practically sprinted out of the kitchen, up the stairs, and out of sight. She sank into one of the kitchen chairs and dropped her head in her hands. Now it was all out in the open, and he was already finding it hard to be in the same room with her. He kept a neutral expression for as long as possible, because he was kind, and empathetic, and he loved her. But that didn’t mean he wanted to do this with her. 

She was so wrapped up in her abject mom-to-be terror that she didn’t hear him practically tumble back down the stairs. She didn’t hear him sprint around the corner and into the kitchen. But she did hear her name, soft and reassuring, and then he was kneeling next to her on the floor. “Hey, hey— look at me. Y/N, look at me.” 

She turned toward him in the chair, and his eyes were soft and reassuring, too. “It’s okay, baby. Are you— are you okay?”

She sucked in a shaky breath. It wasn’t okay, and she wasn’t okay— not until she knew how he was actually feeling. “I— what do you— I need to know what you want.”

“You,” he said plainly. 

Her heart flipped in her chest, but she huffed, swiping at her cheeks. “That’s not what I mean.”

“I know. But it’s the truth.” He shrugged. “I want you. Always. And I want you to be happy and healthy. And I want to support you in… whatever you decide.”

He looked down at his hands, and then he looked back at her. “In regards to ‘trapping me,’ it’s— it’s not a trap if I want to be here.”

He brought his hands up into her lap and opened a small velvet box. She stared stupidly at the ring inside for at least seven seconds, her eyes going wide as they came to meet his own. “What is this?”

“I’ve had this ring for… a long time,” he admitted. “ I bought it the week we came back from North Carolina for Thanksgiving, and I talked to your dad about it when we were there for Christmas.” 

He scooted closer to her on the floor, his own eyes wet. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. He’d had this ring for nearly a year? He’d bought it when they had barely been together nine months? He wanted to marry her?

“I kept waiting for the perfect moment, but I— I could never find it.” He drew his brows together and huffed out a laugh. “I understand now that the problem with waiting for the perfect moment was that—” He shook his head in realization, and then met her eyes. “Every moment with you is perfect. Even when it’s not.” He felt a tear spill over and shrugged. “Because I’m with you. And that makes it perfect.”

She brought her hand up to wipe away his tears with gentle fingers, even as her own tears continued. He smiled at her. “I love you. The most. And I wanna be with you: today, tomorrow, next week, next year… forever. In every perfect moment. And that’s not gonna change. Okay?”

Of all the reactions she imagined he’d have to the news of her pregnancy, she had never imagined this. “Okay.”

He hesitated for a split second, and she saw the first and only shimmer of uncertainty. “Do you wanna marry me?”

She laughed, genuine and joyful. “That’s not how you ask.” 

He grinned sheepishly. “Sorry. Will you marry me?”

“Yeah,” she breathed, all the worry she’d been carrying for the last two weeks just… falling away. “Yes. Yes.”

He slipped the ring onto her finger and then surged up off the floor to wrap her in a hug. “Sorry it took me so long.” She breathed him in, relishing the feel of his body against hers. For the first time in two weeks, she allowed herself to melt into him, no longer worried to be found out.

He held her for a second longer before pulling back to hold her hands, running his thumb along the newly placed ring. “Your answer to this question doesn’t change how I feel or what I want. I need you to know that.” When she nodded, he squeezed her hands. “Do you want to have a baby?” 

She hesitated, chewing the inside of her lip. “What do you—”

“No.” He shook his head. “I already told you what I want. I’m asking you. What do you want?”

She rubbed her thumbs absentmindedly over his for fifteen long seconds. The moment of truth, and it came out in a whisper. “I want to have a baby with you.”

“Yeah?”

She nodded. “Yeah.”

Fresh tears gathered behind his eyes, and she felt so silly for ever having doubted what he wanted. “We’re gonna have a baby,” he breathed, disbelief dripping heavy over his words. “You’re gonna be a mom.”

She choked out a wet laugh. “Yeah, that’s usually how it works.”

“You’re gonna be the best mom,” he corrected. 

“You’re gonna be a dad.” She squeezed his hands. “The absolute best dad.”

He scooped her into another hug, the two of them laughing and crying in the soft light of their kitchen at midnight. She was pregnant, they were engaged, it was all out of order, and she wouldn’t change a single thing about it. Like every other moment with him, it was perfect.

“Your mom’s gonna kill me,” he muttered.

She cackled— well, almost perfect. She grimaced playfully. “Mmm, yeah she probably is. If it’s any consolation, she’ll start with me.” She sighed, smiling tiredly at him. “I love you.”

He matched her smile. “I love you the most. Dead or alive.”

She snaked her arm around his waist, pulling him toward the stairs. “You know… I can think of one thing that might just placate Mama Rose…”

They started up the stairs together. “Do tell.” 

Her fingers rubbed along his hip bone. “Do you think Dave would let us use his backyard?”

Spencer pressed a kiss into her hair as they reached the landing and turned for their bedroom, Roald hot on their heels. “I’m sure a bottle of wine and a box of cigars would do the trick.”

“I’m thinking a backyard wedding with your family and mine— here, so that your mom doesn’t have to travel.” She pulled him over the threshold of their bedroom door. “And then we can have a party at the farm for all your new in-laws.”

“New in-laws?” Spencer asked.

“Oh yeah. There’s fifteen aunts and uncles and about fifty cousins that’re dying to meet you.” Spencer’s eyes went wide as saucers, and she laughed, pulling him into her arms. “I’d say there won’t be a quiz, but if any of the uncles find out about the eidetic memory thing, they’re absolutely gonna quiz you.” 

She laced her fingers behind his back, drawing him even closer. “But they already love you,” she assured him. “I get a text at least twice a week about you.”

His eyebrows shot up behind his curls. “You do?”

“Mmhm. Asking how you’re doing, are you teaching a new class, where’s your latest case, et cetera, et cetera. All the aunts are nosy as hell,” she laughed. She tilted her head in consideration, lacing their fingers together and leading him toward their bed. “It’s gonna be impossible to keep this a secret for very long.”

He sat on the side of the bed, pulling her down to straddle his lap. “The twenty week mark is usually the green light to start telling people. How— how far along are we?”

“Dr. Layton said probably... about eight weeks.”

She watched as he did the calculations, the realization settling over his face— the drop of his jaw, the arch of his eyebrow, the pink rising in his cheeks. “Oh. Oh.”

“Mm.” She pressed her lips together to hide her smile. “I think we really, um— manifested that.”

“Wow.” She could practically see the memories flashing in his eyes. He cleared his throat. “Do you think your dad would sell me that truck?” 

“Oh my god.” She brought her hands up to his cheeks, grinning ear to ear. “You’d better come up with a good lie about why you want it.” 

His hands traveled over her hips, squeezing gently on their way to her lower back. “You mean I can’t tell Hank that his daughter had se—”

She clapped a hand over his mouth, gently pushing him to lay back on the bed and hovering over him. “Shhhh— he still thinks his baby is an innocent angel. You don’t wanna ruin that for him, do you?”

He laughed underneath her palm and pulled her flush against him. She removed her hand, and he sighed. “I suppose your secret's safe with me. Mostly because I don’t want to incur his wrath.”

“Mm,” she nodded, bringing their mouths together. “Smart man.”

He kissed her, saccharine and slow. She was just starting to relax into it when he suddenly flipped them, knocking a huffed laugh out of her. He peppered light kisses over her face, down her neck, over her racing heart, her sternum. When he reached her tummy, he paused, staring at the barely there bump covered in flowy fabric. And then he pressed his lips gently to it, over and over and over again. 

She tangled her fingers in his hair, waiting for him to get his fill. After fifteen kisses, she laughed as she realized he probably never would. He raised his head at the sound, gently resting his chin on her belly, careful not to press too hard. His sweet smile had her tugging him up toward her.

“I can’t believe I was ever worried about how you’d feel,” she whispered.

“I can’t believe I didn’t figure it out,” he countered. “I should have known when you said no to sushi.” He grinned, but then it softened into something more empathetic. “Is that why I couldn’t hug you for the last two weeks?”

She nodded, feeling absolutely ridiculous. He sat up and pulled her with him, his chin hooked over her shoulder and all his long limbs folded awkwardly around her. “Well. I guess I just have to make up for lost time.”

[amethystdarkwolf]

Broken

AU: X Ship: Poly of Eijiro Kirishima, Izuku Midoriya, Katsuki Bakugo, Shoto Todoroki, Denki Kaminari, Hanta Sero, and Hitoshi Shinso (This was easier than typing out all the pairings) Prompt: X Requested by: X Warnings: Internalized Acephobia, mentions of sex, non con like elements (Nothing happens though it is mentioned), insecurities and fears of breaking up. If I missed any please let me know! Summary: Eijiro loved his partners. He loved them more than life itself. They were more than accepting of any eccentricities of each other, which is to be expected from a poly of seven different personalities. But he didn’t know if they would accept him when they realized he was broken. F/A/H-C: Hurt/Comfort POV: 3rd, following Eijiro. Word Count: 3,735 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Side Note: Hi, I’m finally back to writing fics, even though it’s for a different fandom now, it’s still something lmao. I may come back to writing Sanders Sides eventually but we shall see. Let me know what you think of it! And I hope you enjoy! 

They are all 3rd years and about to graduate UA! I wasn’t sure if that was considered an au or not but they are of legal age! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Eijiro knew there was something about him that was different from his other classmates. Originally he had just blamed all the weirdly delayed interest in any girls, moreso any talk of ‘hooking up’, on him being gay once he finally figured that out. 

But then the thoughts he thought he should have about guys, about doing things with guys never came either. He knew that he found guys attractive, obviously, he developed the biggest crush on two of the most powerful students in his class incredibly quickly after seeing both of their strengths, but whenever he thought about them, about being with them. Nothing sexual came from it. He’s a teenager he should be having these thoughts right? 

He heard Denki talking about some of the guys in the class at one point, saying how hot a few of them were. And, well, Eijiro could agree, however when Denki started going into more detail about what he saw in the locker room, the redhead went silent. He couldn’t see anyone like that, not even two of his most prominent crushes. Was there something wrong? 

He was not able to figure it out until their third year of high school. Now in a relationship that consisted of seven total. Polyamory was a thing introduced to him by Izuku once they had started dating and Eijiro realized he still had feelings for Katsuki after quite some time. He was overjoyed that Izuku had shown him that, moreso that he and Katsuki both agreed to it. 

Not too long later, Izuku realized his feelings for Shoto, and Denki. Eijiro came to these realizations himself later. Denki then had feelings for both Hanta and Hitoshi. After quite a while of this, everyone in the poly was dating everyone. Which made things both a little less complicated and a little more complicated. 

Eijiro loved his partners. He loved them more than life itself. They were more than accepting of any eccentricities of each other, which is to be expected from a poly of seven different personalities. 

But he didn’t know if they would accept him when they realized he was broken. 

He didn’t start off thinking like that. He just thought he was taking longer than everyone else to develop these kinds of feelings towards the others. Denki and Hanta using obviously suggestive flirting with one another while the group was together was to be expected. Then Hitoshi joined in, then Katsuki, Shoto, and eventually Izuku was making remarks that can and were meant to be taken in a not so innocent way. 

Eijiro laughed along with these jokes, he understood them and was fine with them. So he thought there was nothing wrong with him. It wasn’t until the words turned into actions that he came to the realization about himself. 

Katsuki and him were both incredibly physical with their fighting styles. So it’s only natural that every once in a while, their very playful spats would turn into wrestling matches in one of their rooms. 

It was later into the night, a majority of the students were either asleep or down in the common area. Eijiro smirked as he managed to pin Katsuki down onto the floor, his hands grabbed his wrists keeping them pinned beside his head, using his quirk to ensure they stayed there. Both of the boys were a little out of breath panting in eachother's faces. 

Eijiro wasn’t thinking about what position they were in. The fact that he was on top of Katsuki, kneeling on either side of the others lower body was lost on him. Until he realized Katsuki wasn’t continuing to struggle. As the pairs of red eyes met one another, Eijiro noticed the look in his partner’s. They were slightly darkened yet hazy. A look that he recognized instantly. 

The same look he had given Denki before he had pinned him against the wall, marked up his neck so much that the bruises were left for at least two weeks. There was probably more to that story that he hadn’t quite heard, or had subconsciously tuned out due to the nature of it. 

A sickening feeling of panic bubbled up in his stomach, along with a feeling of near disgust. The second he realized it, he jerked away, scrambling off of his boyfriend with a nervous laugh. “Ha! Gotcha, man!” He prayed Katsuki wouldn’t pick up on the tremble of his voice. Katsuki’s expression immediately changed from the look he had before, to one of confusion. He was silent as he seemed to examine the redhead. 

Eijiro had gotten really good at reading Katsuki’s expressions, but there was one he was never able to quite pinpoint. Katsuki’s blank expression. None of his normal anger that seemed to constantly reside on his face, no annoyance, no smugness, absolutely nothing. That was the expression most of his partners tended to worry about when it showed up, just because it was so unreadable. 

That was the expression Kirishima was met with after the confusion seemed to fade. 

“Right.” Katsuki mumbled. 

Eijiro glanced around the room quickly, looking for anything to change the topic or clear the awkward air around them. His eyes caught his bookbag and he grinned, “Oh hey, would you mind uh, helping me study again? I’m getting a little hung up on how some of the equations work.” Please work, please work, please work. 

It did and it didn’t. 

Katsuki hummed, the annoyance finally reading on his face once again. He knew something was up, but he knew that Eijiro was trying to hide it, he could tell. But despite that, he nodded, “Fine. What is it?” 

There was going to be a talk later. It was going to be asked, Eijiro could tell. But now it wasn’t happening. He could only hope that he would have some explanation once the talk did happen. 

---- 

He did come to an explanation. A much worse one than he hoped he would come to and in a much worse way. 

He thought he had it figured out. That he was just awkward about it since he had never tried it, the position he had gotten Katsuki in was weird and that’s all it was. Maybe it would stop being like that once he was prepared to take that step with his partners. They had all waited for one another to be ready before trying anything at all so he figured it would be fine.

That’s all he thought it was. 

Like Katsuki and Eijiro’s playful wrestling matches, Denki and him had something very similar. Only, they were often brought on by Kirishima winning in whatever game they were playing, and Denki tackling him, which led to more of a tickle fight than anything. Both laughing and giggling as they rolled around on the floor. 

Golden eyes met red ones once they calmed down, the electric boy was now above him. Easily Eijiro could push him off, but he was still too giddy from the childlike roll around they had just had to even think about it. Denki leaned down once he caught his breath, placing a small chaste kiss onto Eijiro’s lips. Another small laugh leaving him before he repeated the process. 

Eijiro was fine with this, this was sweet. He returned the kisses gladly, not at all complaining even when it progressed to a full makeout session. This didn’t make him feel uncomfortable. This didn’t make him have that feeling of panic and disgust. Maybe he was better now! Maybe he’s finally over whatever that was! 

He should have known not to be so hopeful. 

He leaned up on his elbows a little, feeling like he couldn’t get enough of his boyfriend’s kiss. He didn’t stop Denki when the other’s hands began to wander down his chest. This felt okay, this felt nice. This was just Denki being touchy. He was used to it. 

Until it wasn’t just that. 

Denki’s hand wandered down, down further past Eijiro’s stomach, as it made its way closer and closer, that feeling came back. Bubbling up much worse than last time, the thought came too quickly, the thought of any of his partners touching him like that, made him immediately tense up. Finally he was getting those thoughts he thought he should have been getting, but now instead of getting aroused by them, all he felt was that gross, uncomfortable and panicky feeling. 

He finally snapped out of his own thoughts when he felt a small shock course through him. He blinked a couple times, feeling hot tears falling down his face. His body was shaking, and in front of him, he saw those golden eyes again. Looking at him with so much worry. 

Eijiro drew his hand away from Denki’s wrist quickly. When had he grabbed him? “Eijiro!” He managed to register that his boyfriend was talking to him. It took him a moment longer to gather his voice enough to respond, “w-wh… what happened?” 

Denki looked even more confused, “You tell me! I-dude I would’ve stopped! You were just suddenly shaking and crying and you jerked my arm away from you! Are you okay?” 

Eijiro nodded after a moment, “Yeah, Yeah sorry, I just kinda freaked out I guess?” That was the only way he could explain it, though it was obvious enough that Denki knew that much. Denki’s expressions were much easier to read than Katsuki. Which only made it that much easier to see the confusion and worry now be joined by hurt. 

“Did… Did you not think I’d stop?” He sounded just as petrified as Eijiro felt currently. Eijiro shook his head immediately, “No! No! I mean-Yes! I knew you would have stopped! I trust you! I just wasn't thinking, I guess…? I don’t really know.” 

Denki nodded, seemingly content with that answer. “Okay, dude. Uh, do you wanna keep playing?” Gesturing over to the forgotten Switch. Eijiro smiled a little and nodded, “Yeah! Can’t wait to kick your ass again!” He said hitting his fists together. 

The blonde grinned, immediately returning back to his normal happy self. “Oh whatever! That last round was a total flub! Doesn’t count!” 

-- 

That night, Eijiro rested his head against his pillow, his mind racing through the events of the day. Something that hadn’t quite clicked in his head finally did. “I trust you” was what he had said in reassuring Denki. Which was true, he trusted all of his partners, he couldn’t have a relationship if he didn’t. 

But, if he couldn’t even bear the thought of the people he trusted with his life, he loved with all of his heart, to touch him like that… Then that wasn’t the problem. Being awkward and nervous wasn’t the explanation. Not being ready wasn’t the explanation. 

Finally he accepted it as tears came to his eyes. “I’m never going to be ready for it…” he murmured to himself. “I’m never going to want that.” 

It made sense, he had never liked the idea before, never thought about it before, and now that it was almost thrown in his face (On accident, Denki of course didn’t know he felt like this and Eijiro couldn’t blame him). He panicked. He wasn’t afraid of it. It didn’t make him nervous. It made him uncomfortable. 

He had a sinking feeling in his stomach, as a sob left his mouth. He wasn’t like any of his partners, he wasn’t like anyone in the class, hell he didn’t even know if there was a possibility of anyone like him being at the school. He’s Broken.

 Quickly remembering that Katsuki was right next door, he grabbed a pillow, biting it in order to muffle himself. 

He was broken, he didn’t feel the things he was supposed to. He didn’t want the things his partners wanted. What most people consider a crucial part of a relationship he couldn’t even think about without feeling sick. 

It hurt, it hurt and ached every part of his being. His partners were all accepting, but they’ll want that. He’d be a horrible partner to deny them something that they’d consider important in the relationship. Why would they bother sticking with him if he wasn’t enough? If he couldn’t make them fully happy what was the point? 

How vividly he could imagine their faces made it so much worse. Izuku would smile softly, try to let Eijiro down slowly, probably even apologizing. Katsuki would be annoyed, thinking he wasn’t tough enough to handle it. Denki would think it was funny and ridiculous. Hanta would be confused, who wouldn’t want to have sex with their partners? Shoto wouldn’t really have any glaring expression, just a simple sigh of dissatisfaction, and Hitoshi would just roll his eyes, like Eijiro had been a waste of time. 

He was pretty sure he had torn open his pillow at this point, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He never wanted to see them like that. He never wanted to lose them just because he was broken. He was supposed to be unbreakable after all! He needed to fix it. There had to be some way to keep that from happening. 

A terrifying thought crossed his mind.

‘If I just force myself through it once, with one of them, and then it’ll be fine after that.’ 

It made him feel sick again, thinking about it. He wouldn’t want it, and he knew his partners would stop and question if they noticed how uncomfortable he was. He sniffled as he continued to debate on it, it would make him feel disgusting, gross and uncomfortable, but it would only be for a little while, and then after that, he could keep his partners, and make sure they’re happy. 

That’s what was most important. 

--- 

He made out a little plan, to try to get himself to go through with this. In his mind it was like training. Trying to think of what he thought of that day with Denki without tensing up. Or at least learning how to hide it. Trying to convince himself that ‘it’ll feel good. It’ll feel good.’ The shaking he wasn’t able to get under control, he could blame that on nervousness though, right? 

He knew which partner he was going to try to initiate this with. The one he had been with the longest. Izuku. He was so sweet, gentle and kind, but was incredibly strong and determined. It would feel safe, comfortable, right? It had to, it was Izuku. 

If Izuku said no, he would go to Katsuki, who he knew would have no problems taking the lead if he teased a little, he would be a lot more to deal with than Izuku though, but if it’ll work then he had to do it. If that didn’t work he would go to Denki, then Hanta, then Shoto and then Hitoshi. Hopefully, Izuku would say yes. He loved and trusted all of his partners, but it would be easiest to handle with Izuku. 

-----

It started off a lot like the other two mishaps. Just some playful roughhousing ending with Eijiro pinning Izuku. Eijiro tried desperately to hide any hint of feeling off, looking up to Izuku’s eyes quickly before kissing him. 

Izuku returned the kiss, and he was both a little surprised and not surprised at all that Izuku was the one to push it to a makeout session. He was hesitating a little and Izuku seemed to be enjoying this. Good. Good. He was doing good. 

He remembered what Denki did with his hands, how he touched him and tried to mimic that on Izuku as best as he could. The memory however, caused that feeling to bubble up again. As he began tracing Izuku’s thighs through the shorts he was wearing, an arm on his own stopped him. He swallowed and looked up to meet his boyfriend’s eyes. 

“Ei…?” His voice was so soft and gentle. 

Eijiro pulled his hands away immediately, “S-sorry, was I-do you not want-I didn’t mean to-” Everything was crumbling. He could feel the barriers he put up beginning to crack and break. The feeling was only getting worse. He’d have to go to Katsuki. 

Izuku shook his head, “No! I-I do, want that! Just… you’re shaking…?” 

Eijiro gave a little fake laugh, “Ah! I’m just, kinda nervous, don’t wanna mess this up.” He lied through his teeth. Izuku smiled so gently again, “Don’t worry too much, it’s okay, I’m here.” he murmured comfortingly, the hand that had grabbed Eijiro’s forearm moved down to hold his hand. 

The redhead let out a sigh of relief, “Thank you.” The sickening feeling only bubbled up once more once he continued. Now placing kisses down Izuku’s neck, while his hand went back to tracing up and down his boyfriend’s body. 

He could feel the trembling get worse. He tried to swallow down the panic that was trying to force itself through him as he scraped his teeth against Izuku’s neck. He reached a spot right where his neck and shoulder meet that made Izuku breathe heavier, and whine, right next to Eijiro’s ear. He had no chance. 

Hearing the sound was so different than just the touch. With the touch he could try to think of something else to keep from breaking, but with that noise it shot him right back. Making him realize exactly what he was doing. Exactly what he was about to force himself to do. It was too much. It was all too much. 

The barrier broke. 

The tears and sick feeling he had been trying to hold back now came in full force. He withdrew his hands from Izuku but kept his face in his neck for a moment as he let the tears fall. Izuku tensed under him. Strong arms immediately came to wrap around him. “Ei?” he asked again. His voice sounded so much more panicked than before.

Sounded like Denki did, concern, worry and panic.

Eijiro shook his head, “I-I’m… I’m so sorry, Izuku. I tried, I really did. But I can’t.” the words managed to get choked out between sobs. “I can’t do it, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m broken.” 

He couldn’t see Izuku’s face, but with the silence he could only imagine what he had thought of when he first came up with this plan. The soft smile, ready to let him down slow. To end things with him. He deserved it anyways, for not being enough. He shut his eyes tightly, not wanting to see it when he felt Izuku start to pull away.

Suddenly he was being picked up, and placed on the bed. “Ei… Look at me, please.” Izuku’s voice was shaking, that he wouldn’t pick up until later. But he didn’t need to. Once he finally managed to open his eyes and look at Izuku’s face. The thought of Izuku letting him down slow with that smile vanished instantly.  

Izuku had tears in his eyes too. He looked like he wanted nothing more than to hold him more at that moment. “Please, just breathe, okay? Then we can talk, I’m just confused.” He was more than confused. Eijiro could see it. But he accepted that for now. And slowly worked through calming himself down from the panic attack. 

He looked back at Izuku and nodded, “‘m okay to talk now…” 

Izuku smiled at him, genuinely luckily, and nodded back. “Okay, please tell me what you meant by that…?” 

Eijiro looked off to the side, not wanting to meet those sad green eyes again as he gathered his thoughts to explain. 

“I never, ever really, felt anything like that towards anyone. Whenever I’d get a crush, I couldn’t even imagine anything like that with them… This is just how I’ve been. And I just thought that eventually, I’d get those feelings. They didn’t come. And when I fell for all of you, I thought, okay maybe once I’m comfortable with them, maybe it’s just because I’m nervous at the thought of it that it was like that… But I am comfortable with all of you, I trust all of you.” 

He sniffled, rubbing at his eye as he could feel more tears threatening to spill. 

“I realized that I probably won’t ever want to do anything like that. Or be comfortable with it. Even when it came to you guys, any thought of that I felt… Gross and uncomfortable and panicky. But, I know a lot of people, most people say that that is an important part in a relationship. And-And I didn’t… Didn’t want to be a bad boyfriend. I want you guys to be happy and satisfied and content and… all of that… and if you all wanted that to be happy, then… you wouldn’t want me…” 

“Eijiro…” Izuku’s voice was barely above a whisper, in more shock than actually wanting to get his attention or stop his talking. 

“So I thought, maybe. Maybe if I can just bare it once. Then I’d stop feeling that way. But, I-I couldn’t… so…” He finally let the tears fall as he shrugged. That was the end, he was expecting Izuku to agree with him. But when he looked up at Izuku’s face.

There were tears falling at a rapid pace down his pretty freckled cheeks, his mouth was slightly open in shock. “Eijiro… Can-Can I hug you?” Eijiro barely let him finish his sentence before he practically lept at Izuku. Holding him tightly, Izuku held him just as tight. 

“You don’t have to do anything that makes you feel like that, it doesn’t matter. None of us will think any less of you for that. We love you. It isn’t about sex or anything! We love you. Please, please don’t force yourself, if one day you do feel okay to try then that’s okay! If not? Then that’s also okay. You aren’t broken, Eijiro. You’re perfect.” 

Eijiro sobbed as Izuku spoke, murmuring ���Thank you’s and ‘I love you’s between breaths and sobs. They stayed like that until both of them fell into a comfortable silence. Cuddling and holding one another, perfectly content. 

That night Izuku introduced him to a new term. One that meant exactly what Eijiro had thought was him being ‘broken’. The term was ‘Asexual’. He wasn’t broken, he wasn’t wrong, he’s Asexual. 

Now, many years later, as a pro-hero that is married to his partners, Eijiro wears that label with pride.

[fangirl-ramblings]

Pairing: Charles Smith x Female Readee

Word Count: 3222

Summary: Love is in the air around camp, but has Cupid's arrow somehow missed you and Charles?

Notes: The fluffiest of fluff, Reader POV / Charles POV

This @rdr-secret-cupid gift is for one of my favourite people - @12timetraveler. My sincere apologies for this Valentine's / birthday present being so late, but hopefully it's well worth the wait 😘

~* Tumblr Masterlist | Stories on AO3 *~

Cupid's Arrow

Reader's POV

14th Feb 1899

You looked around to see Dutch sitting in his tent, whispering sweet nothings to Miss O'Shea while Sean was trying his hardest to win over Karen, whose icy demeanour was starting to thaw with each passing drink he was plying her with. Hell, even John had had a little too much to drink and summoned the courage to pick a small posy of flowers and present them to Abigail as a small Valentine's gift. 

You liked seeing the camp happy like this, all relaxed in each other's company; the likes of Javier and Tilly sitting next to each other as the former strummed on his guitar and filled the air with a sweet melody, or young Mary-Beth, enjoying the latest romance novel she acquired, only to tear her eyes away from the page to gaze lovingly towards an oblivious Arthur before continuing her story.

And while Micah's grumbling about it "not bein' right, someone like him talkin' to a fiiinnnne woman like her," as he watched young Lenny saying something to make Jenny giggle from across the way, was enough to for everybody to tell him to shut up, it certainly wasn't enough to dampen the mood around the place.

It was even nice to see Miss Grimshaw laugh and smile as she joined the older camp members in their reminiscences about previous Valentine's days with their own past loves, soon followed by raucous singing of filthy songs but as you took your makeshift seat of a crate at the poker table, you couldn’t but help feel Cupid’s arrow had struck everyone and somehow bypassed you. 

You had secretly hoped that Charles would have joined in with the party, but the minute Dutch wound up his gramophone Charles had disappeared into the woods to take his position on guard duty.

While you'd taken many opportunities to try to make conversation and try to get to know him better over the last few months, you still found him to be a man of few words - but you liked that about him. The camp was full enough of loud-mouthed characters like Sean and Uncle that any moment you found yourself sitting in a comfortable silence with Mr. Smith was bliss.

As the night drew on and more and more alcohol was heartly consumed by all, you felt your eyes growing heavy and couldn’t summon the energy to sing along with the lyrics of “The Louisville Maid”.

   "Well as fun as this is, I'm gonna call it a night," you announced to your campmates, knowing full well that nobody was really listening. You sighed as they were caught up in their merriment and headed towards your tent… only to walk straight into Charles.

   "Whoa, careful there," he told you, giving you a small smile as he placed those big, strong hands of his upon your arms to help stop you from falling over on the spot.

Your face burned as you felt your face grow redder and with each passing second as you enjoyed his gentle but firm touch, causing you to look away to avoid staring into those beautiful, deep brown eyes of his. You hoped that he thought your flushed appearance was a result of all the alcohol running through your veins and not the thought currently running  through your mind; what it would be like if he suddenly dipped and kissed you with a fervent passion?

   "Sorry Charles, I… I… I hadn't realised you'd finished your shift already. Want a drink?"

    "I'm okay, thank you, I was gonna try and get some sleep… and I think you should too - big day tomorrow isn't it?" Your brow furrowed as you tried to rack your brain. Had you arranged to go on a job and completely forgot? Charles watched you, with a confused look. "Oh, I thought you'd mentioned the other day that it was your birthday? Maybe I got it wrong?" 

   "Oh my word, yes it is," you gasped in wonderment, "I can't believe you remembered."

   "Guess I just have a good memory for special occasions," he grinned, brushing a loose hair from your face without thinking, making you weak at the knees.

He cleared his throat and moved his hand away. "Well we best both go get some shut eye before the sun comes up. Good night and sweet dreams." 

You watched him walk to his tent, before heading to your own. Still smiling to yourself, you drew the flaps shut and fell on the cot, relieving that brief moment you just had with Charles over and over as you closed your eyes and let sleep wash over you.

15th Feb 1899

As the sun beamed through the gaps of your tent, you woke up to a very different camp atmosphere compared to the night before. It was eerily quiet; with everybody still in bed, sleeping off the hangovers they'd given themselves at the party.

Deciding to make the most of having a quiet camp all to yourself, you sat yourself up and stretched - your muscles and joints aching in a way that made you laugh. Another year older today and your body was certainly reminding you of that fact with all the aches and pains you suddenly started feeling. 

A part of you doubted anybody else would be able to remember that today was your birthday but you smiled as you saw Mary-Beth hadn't forgotten; she'd wrapped a romance novel with one of her ribbons and left it on your trunk. Next to it was a little handwritten note from her, wishing you a very happy birthday and how "the way the heroine in this story reminds me of how you act around Charles, maybe if you read it you'll end up with your true love too. x"

You playfully rolled your eyes; ever the romantic, Mary-Beth had seen you gazing at Charles one day and decided you were destined to be together.

Pulling on some fresh clothes, you stepped outside and made your way towards the coffee pot, presuming nobody would have thought to wash it out and prepare it ready for the morning. Yet, to your surprise, you lifted it up to find it freshly brewed and still piping hot.

   “I figured everybody would be wanting some when they woke up,” Charles chuckled, walking behind you carrying some logs for the campfire.

   “I’d say; seems they all had a lot to celebrate,” you laughed, pouring yourself a cup. “You want one?” you asked, offering Charles the filled mug currently in your hand.

   “I’m okay thanks, I had one before I made a start on tidying the place up.” 

   “Oh trust me, I wouldn’t worry too much about that today - Grimshaw will have such a headache, she'll be far more focused on getting all the quieter jobs done," you giggled knowing from previous experience how badly Susan seemed to suffer from next morning hangovers.

He carefully placed the chopped wood next to the campfire before turning his attention back to you. "Oh I bet," he grinned, his eyes twinkling. "Actually, I have an idea that might help keep camp running smoothly and stop people grumbling.'

   "Oh?" Curiosity had gotten the best of you and you were intrigued to know what he was thinking.

   "I saw supplies were running low and was thinking of doing some hunting later… a good hearty stew might be what the others need to recover," rushing his words out before casting his eyes to the ground. "I, erm… I was wondering if you wanted to join me?"

   "What? Because I'm the only other person sober enough to safely use a weapon right now?" you teased. 

   "That's one reason, but I'd also like some good company." 

You stood gobsmacked as he turned away from you, quickly making his way over to Taima, pulling something from her saddle.

   "I… I'd like to spend time with you too, but I'm afraid my pistol is no good for hunting." You hung your head in disappointment, mentally kicking yourself that this could be your one chance to be alone with the man you'd admired for all these months - and you've lost it because you never took the time to invest in decent hunting equipment.

   "I can help you with that," Charles told you, pulling out an ornate looking bow and handing it to you. "I made it… for your birthday."

   "For me?" Shocked by his act of kindness, you traced your fingers over each of the detail engravings that ran along each of the limbs, tears starting to cloud your vision. "This is beautiful, but are you sure you mean to give this to me?"

   "Of course… a beautiful bow for a beautiful lady.” A sudden flash of fear crossed Charles’ eyes as he realised what he had just said, his body tensing.

   "You… think I'm beautiful?" Your eyes looking deep into his, searching for the truth.

He nodded. "The most beautiful creature I have ever laid eyes on… I'm sorry, I didn't mean to put you on the spot like that. If it's too awkward, we can just forget the hunting…"

He stopped mid-sentence as you kissed his cheek, his body relaxing as he realised he hadn't made a mistake in telling you.

   "It's not awkward at all, I've liked you for a long time but I could never work out if the feeling is mutual." You gently thumbed his cheek, "Let's go on this hunting trip and talk about this in private shall we?" You suggested as you signaled for Charles to see what you could see. 

Stood behind him was a small audience of John and Mary-Beth, both of whom were grinning over to you both. 

Charles playfully rolled his eyes and walked  you away from their gaze. 

   "Sounds like a good idea, wanna head out now?"

   "Lead the way Mr. Smith." You held out your hand and he gladly took hold.

   "Oh wait, you'll need some of these too" he reached back into his saddle to hand you a bunch of arrows… only to be confused as he heard you laughing.

    "What's so funny?" Charles asked, trying to read your expression.

   "Nothing… just looks like Cupid's arrows found me after all."

Charles' POV

14th Feb 1899

   “I’ll take over here if you want,” John grumbled, clutching his face as he approached where Charles was currently taking up guard duty in the wooded area on the outskirts of camp. “I reckon my Valentine's night is as good as over.”

Charles turned to face his campmate, the moonlight showing a fresh red looking handprint across John's cheek. "You blew it with Abigail then?"

   "Yep, I pushed my luck just a little too much," John chuckled lightly, "But I'm sure I'll  survive. Go on, you go enjoy yourself… I saw [y/n] looking all lonesome up there, she could probably do with some company."

John waggled his eyebrows as Charles pretended to scowl; alcohol had given him loose lips one night and he had ended up confiding in Arthur and John about his feelings about the camp lady he'd taken a shine to. But he couldn’t hold the expression for long as a smile crept over his lips he thought about you.

   "I'll probably just get some shut-eye instead, but I have been busy making this for her." He lifted up a beautiful bow that was resting against a nearby trunk. "It's her birthday tomorrow and she mentioned once she'd be interested in learning to hunt properly."

   "You're a big old softie, ain't you Charles Smith?" John chuckled. "Well, I'm sure she'll appreciate the thought."

   “Don’t you go ruining my reputation, John,” he laughed, making his way to the clearing where all the gang's horses grazed peacefully.

Taima looked up, nickering as she saw her owner nearby.

   “Just a passing visit for now girl, but we can go out on a ride tomorrow,” he whispered to her, stroking her neck as she nuzzled against him. “In the meantime, I want you to keep this safe for me.” Charles lifted his saddle onto the hitching post that Taima was attached to, and carefully placed the bow into the holster on it. She watched her owner with curiosity, her ears pricking up as heard Charles rummaging in his saddlebag to retrieve an apple to reward his trusted Appaloosa for her loyalty. 

The music was still playing as he walked back into camp, only this time it was Pearson’s accordion and Uncle’s banjo that filled the air as Miss Grimshaw sang a bawdy song. It was clear that the party wasn't ending anytime soon, but that wasn't going to stop Charles from trying to get some sleep. Heading towards his tent, he found himself looking around for a quick glance of his heart's desire, only for you to crash straight into him.

   "Whoa, careful there," he told you, gently placing his hands upon your arms to help stop you from falling over on the spot. He could have swore he felt a jolt of electricity flowing through his veins as his skin touched yours.

   "Sorry Charles, I… I… I hadn't realised you'd finished your shift already. Want a drink?"

    "I'm okay thank you, I was gonna try and get some sleep… and I think you should too - big day tomorrow isn't it?" A flash of confusion crossed your face and Charles began to doubt himself. "Oh, I thought you'd mentioned the other day that it was your birthday? Maybe I got it wrong?" 

   "Oh my word, yes it is," you gasped in wonderment. "I can't believe you remembered."

   "Guess I just have a good memory for special occasions," he grinned, brushing a loose hair from your face without thinking, before catching himself and moving his hand away.

Not really wanting the moment to be over but knowing he must tear himself away lest he stay admiring you all night, he cleared his throat. 

   "Well we best both go get some shut eye before the sun comes up. Good night and sweet dreams." 

Making the short walk back to his own tent,  his heart soared as he thought back over your reaction to him remembering your birthday. Now he couldn’t wait to see how you would react to your present.

Settling on his bed roll, he watched you draw your tent closed before allowing himself finally sleep and dream of you.

Charles found himself waking at the crack of dawn, just as the last few stragglers were stumbling towards their bedrolls . Realising he could effectively have the tranquillity of camp to himself,  he gladly jumped up and set about getting ready for a new day.

Firstly he made his way over to Pearson’s wagon to grab a few coffee beans and started brewing a fresh pot. Noticing the meat supplies were running dangerously low, Charles made a mental note to go out hunting later and wondered if this could be the ideal opportunity to ask the birthday girl to join him.

While he waited for that certain someone to wake up, he had already  stoked the fires back to life and disposed of the empty bottles that were scattered all around camp before finally enjoying a short break with a fresh cup of coffee.

It wasn't until he had made a start on chopping wood he had heard footsteps behind him and smiled to himself as he looked over to see [y/n] making her way over to the coffee pot.

   “I figured everybody would be wanting some when they woke up,” Charles chuckled, walking up to her with an armful of logs for the campfire.

   “I’d say; seems they all had a lot to celebrate,” she laughed in that sweet way that made Charles’ feel all warm inside as she poured a cup. “You want one?” asking as she offered the mug in her hand towards him.

   “I’m okay thanks, I had one before I made a start on tidying the place up," he explained, walking over towards where the chopped wood was to be stored.

   “Oh trust me, I wouldn’t worry too much about that today - Grimshaw will have such a headache, she'll be far more focused on getting all the quieter jobs done,"

Charles chuckled as he carefully placed the firewood down before realising this was his chance and turned his attention back to you.

   "Oh I bet," grinning with a twinkle in his eyes. "Actually, I have an idea that might help keep camp running smoothly and stop people grumbling.'

   "Oh?" you asked, tilting your head with curiosity.

He had noticed in the past that each time you asked a question about something that had piqued your interest, you would often tilt your head in this way and found it utterly adorable.

   "I was thinking of doing some hunting later… a good hearty stew might be what the others need to recover," Charles rushed his words out before looking away bashfully. "I, erm… I was wondering if you wanted to join me?"

   "What? Because I'm the only other person sober enough to safely use a weapon right now?" she smirked, and he felt his insides flip-flop. She was so damn beautiful.

   "That's one reason, but I'd also like some good company," he told her, quickly turning to go fetch the bow from Taima’s saddle.

    "I… I'd like to enjoy your company too, but I'm afraid my pistol is no good for hunting." She lowered her head in what seemed to be disappointment.

   "I can help you with that," Charles told her, carefully placing the bow in her hands. "I made it….for your birthday."

   "For me?" He watched as she traced her fingers over the engravings he spent so much time on, hoping the tears brimming in her eyes were because she was overjoyed. "This is beautiful… but are you sure it's for me?"

   "Of course… a beautiful bow for a beautiful lady.” He kicked himself inwardly for saying it aloud, 

   "You… think I'm beautiful?" Your eyes looking deep into his, searching for the truth.

He nodded. "The most beautiful creature I have ever laid eyes on… I'm sorry, I didn't mean to put you on the spot like that. If it's too awkward, we can just forget the hunting…"

He stopped mid-sentence as you kissed his cheek. The feeling of embarrassment replaced by one feeling like he could soar into the sky right now.

   "It's not awkward at all, I've liked you for a long time but I could never work out if the feeling is mutual." Gently thumbing his cheek, you suggested, "Let's go on this hunting trip and talk about this in private shall we?"

He followed your gaze to see Mary-Beth and John grinning at you both as they stood by their tents. 

Playfully rolling his eyes, Charles guided you away from their gaze. 

   "Sounds like a good idea, wanna head out now?"

   "Lead the way Mr. Smith." You held out your hand and he gladly took hold.

   "Oh wait, you'll need some of these too" he reached back into his saddle to hand you a bunch of arrows… only to be confused as he heard you laughing.

    "What's so funny?" Charles asked, hoping thewhole entire moment wasn't a set up so camp could make fun of him

   "Nothing… just looks like Cupid's arrows found me after all"

[donttouchmeimwriting]

Argo ch. 3

Friday the 13th - Friendship/Romance - Jason Voorhees/OC M/M ship

2983 words, 3rd person POV

I'm just as surprised as you are that I'm cranking these out so fast. Thanks, NaNoWriMo!

Cross-posting on FFN under PyroTheWereCat

...

...

Saturday dragged so sluggishly for Jason as he waited impatiently to visit Lijah again. He spent the day stalking the outskirts of the camp, trying to watch Lijah as he worked. He was fascinated by Lijah's effect on others; it was clearly shown that it wasn't just Jason who was compelled to change behavior simply by listening to him. The kids loved him, and he was popular with the other counselors as well. Jason caught himself daydreaming a few too many times of being one of them and being able to spend the day with Lijah out in the open like they could.

During one of these moments, Jason stared off across the surface of the lake, the sunlight sparkling across the ripples in the water. He wondered what would have happened over a decade ago if Lijah had been at the camp with him...would the other kids have been enraptured by his presence and listened to him then? Would Jason and Lijah have become friends as quickly as children as they had as adults? Or was it their personal experiences that drew them together now and they were all the better for it?

"Enjoying the view?"

Jason spun to face the speaker, relieved it was only Lijah. Lijah laughed at his reaction and looked out across the lake to see what Jason was seeing.

"It is gorgeous out here, isn't it?" he sighed, his expression dreamy, "I've worked at a few different camps over the years but I think Crystal Lake is my favorite."

Jason's heart still pounded in his chest, despite the surprise having worn off. Why was he so nervous to stand here next to Lijah like this? Did the others feel this way around him too?

"Oh, hey!" Lijah said suddenly, pointing down at the nearest dock where two campers and another counselor stood, "That's Terry and Kira over there with Julie. Kira was bullying Terry since day one of camp, saying she looked ratty and pushing her down - you know, stupid kid insults like that. Terry didn't want to be a tattletale, so she wouldn't say who was picking on her, even though we all knew. The director has a rule that we can't interfere unless the kids come forward so we were stuck for a little while. The other counselors and I came up with a detective game to make Kira realize she was doing something wrong and hurtful and she came forward on her own yesterday to admit it. She's been doing great today at making up with Terry and I think they'll be friends really soon. It's so cool what a little positive reinforcement can do."

Lijah crossed his arms over his chest and gazed proudly out at the two kids, but Jason couldn't stop staring at Lijah. What was it he was feeling right now? Impressed at his ability to handle bullies in a way that the counselors when he was a child never could, certainly, but what else? What was it about Lijah that made Jason want to throw his machete in the lake and never hurt anyone again?

"What's up?" Lijah asked, noticing Jason staring at him, "Did I say something wrong?"

Jason shook his head, but could not tear his eyes away. Lijah had his hair tied back today, pulling it off of his neck and away from his face. There was sweat around his hairline, sticking strands of hair to him in tiny swirls and lines. His freckles were more pronounced in the daylight, and his tanned skin almost glowed, even in the shade of the trees. To Jason, this view was much more appealing than the lake.

"Alrighty then," Lijah said, shrugging it off, "Anyway, I just wanted to say hi since I saw you hanging around up here, but I gotta get back to my group. I'm seeing you tonight, right?"

Jason nodded fervently, excited by every second he got to spend with Lijah. Lijah smiled broadly and waved as he set off back to the camp.

"See you later, Jase!" he called.

Jason gave a small wave back, his stomach full of butterflies. He decided he didn't care why he was feeling this way or what it was about Lijah he liked so much. He felt immeasurably and inexplicably happy for the first time in a long time and he didn't want to overthink it. After all, wasn't that what his mother wanted for him?

-------------------------------------------------

Jason returned to cabin 5 that evening a little earlier than planned. The sun had set, but the sky was still relatively light and the camp was winding down from the day. Jason looked through the bedroom window, but Lijah was not in there yet. He tested the window to see if it was unlocked, and to his luck, it was. He checked his surroundings to ensure no one would see him struggle to squeeze through the narrow opening. It was embarrassing enough that Lijah had to see it last night. The coast was clear, so Jason pushed himself into the bedroom, nearly getting stuck in the process. Once inside, he straightened up and closed the window so bugs would not get in. It struck him as he looked around that he was in Lijah's private room alone.

A little snooping couldn't hurt, right? Jason allowed his eagerness to drive his actions as he explored Lijah's room. He first looked in the dresser drawers to see what other clothes Lijah had besides his work shirts and shorts. From the brief snoop, it seemed that Lijah liked light, muted colors and pants with deep pockets. He also seemed to be a fan of chunky bracelets and wristbands, probably to camouflage and support his delicate wrists.

From there, Jason moved to the books on top of the dresser. Adventure novels, a couple college textbooks in the subjects Lijah had specified as his course of study, some notebooks, including the one Jason had used to communicate with last night, and one romance, all paperbacks that looked well used. Curious about the romance novel, Jason flipped through the pages. Mother never had these kinds of books at home, so he wasn't sure what to expect. His eyes fell upon a passage that described a kiss between the heroine and her strapping, yet emotionally manipulative love interest:

"...her cerulean orbs meeting his stormy grey ones in a passionate stare before their lips collided in a kiss so fiery, so full of desire, it would warm the hardened coals of even Wyatt's darkened heart. Charlie swooned into his massive arms, surrendering herself to his rough touch. Wyatt growled into the kiss, his stubble scratchy against her smooth face, but not unbearable. He gripped the back of her neck possessively, but Charlie knew it was part of his insecurity in that he never wanted to let her go. Funny, she thought before the intensity of the kiss forced her mind to become a blank slate of ecstasy, He won't talk about his abandonment issues, but I can feel them here in his kiss..."

Jason set the book down, frowning. Did Lijah really see himself in this Wyatt character? It didn't seem right, but it probably wasn't important. Jason turned instead to the notebooks, but they were mostly blank aside from sparse doodles, camp schedules, and Jason's shaky handwriting. He put the notebooks back where they were and opened the door to the rest of the cabin.

Across from this door was the door to the bathroom, but Jason didn't need that at the moment, so he ignored it and proceeded left down a short hallway to the living area. The hallway opened up to a tiny kitchen and dinette on the right and an ancient, faded couch with a rickety coffee table and an old antenna TV and VCR atop it. This area was not as bright and full of Lijah's personality as the bedroom was, but Jason figured that was to be expected. His own bedroom at home was a reflection of what few interests and hobbies he had. The bedroom was a sanctuary for the individual, and held a piece of their soul. At least, that's what a bedroom should be. Mother had told Jason all about the filthy, lecherous activities young people would get up to in bedrooms. Only a married couple should share a bed, she had told him. It was a sin otherwise.

Feeling slightly hungry, Jason made for the short refrigerator, needing to squat down to see its contents. A couple sandwiches wrapped in plastic occupied one shelf with a handful of apples on the lower shelf, some cans of soda on the door. Jason reached for one of each, hoping to finish them before Lijah returned to avoid accidentally showing him his face. He brought the food to the couch and sat down, his weight causing the seat to sink lower than it was meant to. He removed his mask and devoured the sandwich and apple as quickly as he could, feeling somewhat like a ravenous raccoon. He cracked open the soda can and chugged it, realizing too late that it was a bad idea to drink a carbonated beverage so fast. Bubbles surged up through his nose and he sputtered, covering his face so he did not spray soda everywhere. He coughed and gagged, but the feeling soon went away. He made a mental note to drink anything bubbly as slow as possible, but preferred the idea of never having soda again. It was too sweet for him anyway.

Finished with the meal, Jason located a small trash can at one end of the kitchen and disposed of the remains. He pulled his mask back on just as he heard the front door to the cabin open. He tensed, preparing for a fight, but it was Lijah, alone, who gave a start upon seeing Jason's towering figure in his living room.

"Oh gosh, you got me again!" he cried out, laughing nervously, "You're here early."

Jason nodded once and watched as Lijah locked up and set down the pack he was carrying near the door.

"Are you hungry?" he asked, a tiredness in his voice that worried Jason. Would he be able to stay up tonight? Did he stay up too late last night? Jason shook his head and pointed to the refrigerator, silently telling Lijah he had found the food. Lijah yawned.

"Oh, good," he said, shuffling towards the bedroom, "Sorry, I'm a little worn out from today. We can still hang out, but I might crash a little earlier than last night if that's okay."

Jason nodded and followed him. Lijah turned to the dresser and tilted his head at the stack of books.

"You checked out the romance novel?" he asked, disbelief in his voice, "Huh, didn't see that one coming. It's not very good, but it was free, so I figured why not, y'know?"

So Lijah didn't choose that book for the plot, Jason realized. That made much more sense. Lijah opened the drawers and retrieved a stack of clothes, brushing by Jason to head to the bathroom.

"You can relax in the bedroom if you want for about fifteen minutes while I shower," he said, stifling another yawn, "I'll try to get my bedtime routine done quick so we have some time together."

Jason had no problem with waiting for him to prepare for bed. He was happy just to be in the same building with him and not anxiously wonder where he was like before. Jason sat on the edge of the bed, having grabbed the notebook and pencil he'd used yesterday in preparation for the conversation he would be having tonight. He heard the shower turn on in the bathroom, and an unwelcome thought of what Lijah looked like in there sprung into Jason's mind. Startled by this, Jason shook himself. What was he thinking? His mother's warning about college aged young adults surfaced and he wondered, horrified, if these thoughts would consume his brain like the counselors he'd killed or if he could fight them and keep his head clear and pure. What would happen to him if he couldn't get rid of them?

Jason struggled with this fear until the sound of the water stopped and he heard Lijah moving around in the bathroom. He squeezed the edges of the notebook to ground himself. What would Mother say if she knew what he was thinking about? Realistically, she would probably forbid him from coming back here and have him read Bible passages until the thoughts went away. Mother knew what was best for Jason.

Lijah entered the room once he was done in the bathroom, his hair still damp and his cheeks slightly flushed from the steam. He wore a loose fitting navy blue t-shirt with an unfamiliar logo on the chest and green plaid boxers. He brought with him a wonderful, clean scent of shampoo and mint flavored toothpaste. Jason wrote on a fresh page of the notebook,

"feel better?"

Lijah hummed in agreement, stretching his arms over his head until his shoulders softly popped.

"Nothing like a hot shower to take the day off and get you ready for bed," he said, climbing up onto the mattress next to Jason, "How's your day been?"

Jason thought about it, but didn't want to be too honest that he had pretty much just been waiting all day for this meeting. He wrote,

"did alot of walking. liked what u said about the bully. ur really good with kids."

Lijah waved him off modestly.

"Aw, that wasn't just me," he replied sheepishly, "I can't take all the credit. All of us counselors worked together on that. They're a good group of people. I'm glad I got the chance to work with them."

Jason tilted his head to one side, his interest piqued by this statement. So all the counselors were good, not just Lijah? Would Jason even need to kill anyone this year, or had the nightmare of wicked counselors finally ended? He wondered what his life would become if he didn't come here to kill every summer. It would probably be much like last year, quiet and content with his mother, having everything they needed and just going day to day, living the life she built for them. But Jason knew he couldn't live that life now. He wanted his life to include his new friend, and he wasn't sure how he could do that, with Lijah going back to college at the end of the summer and moving into an apartment somewhere probably far away.

Lijah tilted his head to mirror Jason and catch his attention.

"What's on your mind, big guy?" he asked. Jason considered his next few words and decided to avoid the topic. He wrote,

"u said u had a sister rite? tell me about her?"

Lijah's entire face lit up with a huge smile and his joy was so infectious, Jason couldn't resist matching the expression.

"Phoebe!" he exclaimed, "She's the best little sister anyone could hope for. We're thirteen years apart, so I'm pretty protective of her, and it was really hard for me to go away to college and leave her behind. I call home once a week and send her letters every month of cool stuff I've learned or seen. She likes bugs and dolls and dinosaurs. Our parents won't let her see Jurassic Park though - that's a scary movie about dinosaurs - but I think she can handle it. She's a tough kid. Definitely way tougher than I was at her age. I used to get beat up in school for being, uh, different."

Jason felt a surge of protectiveness for Lijah, though he didn't know who had hurt him. How could anyone even want to hurt someone like Lijah? He curled his fingers into the bedspread, fists shaking with anger. Lijah noticed and addressed it,

"Hey, it was years ago; don't worry about it! Besides, I'm a lover, not a fighter. I'd rather solve my problems with communication than violence."

Jason nodded and forced himself to relax. What was he going to do anyway? Find the bullies and kill them even though they probably haven't been anywhere near Lijah in years? Stupid. Jason tried to explain his thoughts by writing,

"sorry bullies make me real mad. i got bullied to."

Lijah offered a sympathetic look. He moved a hand towards Jason, but rethought the action and stopped, biting his lip.

"I bet they wouldn't mess with you now though!" he said instead, trying to look at the bright side, "I bet they'd take one look at how tall and muscular you got and run away. The machete helps too."

Jason grimaced under the mask. That probably wouldn't be the only reason they ran away...Still, Lijah meant well and he couldn't blame him for trying. It was more effort than anyone had put in before, and that was worth something.

-------------------------------------------------

The conversation continued for a short while, but Lijah soon began nodding off. In one of their quiet moments, Jason looked over and saw Lijah slumped on his pillows, sound asleep. Jason sighed and took that as his cue to leave. He rose from the bed and set down the notebook on the dresser. He looked back at Lijah, bemused by his awkwardly scrunched limbs and his face pressed unflatteringly into the pillows, before turning off the light and leaving through the window to let him sleep.

It was moments like these that Jason was beginning to dislike his heightened energy levels during night time. It worked great for serial killing, but not so much for spending time with a friend. But he was beginning to have a hope and some confidence that things would work out and that he and Lijah would find some sort of rhythm together.

[jojomugi]

A Shred of Altruism for a ‘friend’

Context

This piece was something I had written for myself as part of a fanfiction series with my OC. Since I don't particularly feel too sure about posting it given my OC isn't crazy popular or anything, I figured I could just edit pronouns, names, ect so that maybe someone other than just me and three of my closest friends can enjoy it This takes place way before the events of part three, and before Dio's encounter with Enya AND Pucci. Basically, Reader is the first one Dio has encountered and is learning vauge amount of info on stands from. Spoilers/Content warnings ♡ Minor Stardust Crusaders/Stone Ocean spoilers ♡ Over Heaven book spoilers (would recommend reading before hand) ♡ CW:Dio not being an asshole lmao

♡ Technically not a warning, but their may be misplacements with POV's and pronoun usage. Translating this into an xReader wa difficult. «

Reader is 18+, a stand user (S/N=Stand Name), very SFW, gender neautrual pronouns used

»

The battle between you and the other user finally came to an end when you used all of your remaining energy to defeat him. S/N ability managed to bring them into retirement. All the while this happened, Dio could see just what was happening, how the two stands fought one another. He could only really feel the energy. However he was all around useless in that particular situation, seeing was one thing, but Dio did not yet have the stand—At least not yet. Dio had two options now that his companion was left unconscious. Leave you and be done with having to keep extra weight, or bring you back to the small hotel you had the both of you staying at. Dio obviously chose the latter. It was not out of altruism, or at least not in his mind, it was all simply done out of respect for all your efforts, sacrificing your chance of a ‘normal’ future to run off with him. Besides, in his weaker state you were his best bet to survive and learn about this new world quickly. Dio reached for your exhausted form, there was still a pulse, good. However, you were still out cold from the overexertion. When he finally was able to sneak into the hotel, he gently placed your body onto the bed. Technically speaking, his work here was done but his subconscious—The few times what shred of humanity he had—decided to take over. You were more than just a mere fling, or some kind of phase, your soul was what drew him to you like a moth to the flames. You had become his over your guy’s short time together, whether Dio was self aware of that or not was a different question. Dio manipulated your form around until he was able to get you under the covers. Thankfully he didn’t manage to disturb your rest. The blonde hastily scanned around the room. Water! You would probably need water whenever you’d awaken. He yanked a small rinse cup from the bathroom and set in onto the night stand beside you. Food. What did you have for food? Apparently not much given all he could find was an apple and banana. Not even an assortment of fruit in a bedroom for an upscale hotel? What a mockery. The vampire bit the side of his lip back and let out an exasperated huff. It had been years since the last time he worried about human nourishment like this. For him nourishment was far more simpler. This mere mortal of a human. How dare y/n make an omnipotent being like him do such humbling things for you. Who were you? However, none of that truly mattered when it came to his inconspicuous admiration for you. Even if he didn’t quite understand what it was, your power drew him to you. Y/n was angelic, beautifully devine in his eyes. The grace that radiated from you when you used that strange, raw power. It was something beyond what he even imagined being in the realm of possibility. It was very close to what he dreamt about during his time in his century long torpor state. But even with all y/n’s physical features, you were still knowledgeable and fascinating nonetheless—y/n was not one to boast about their knowledge demeaningly—but like a friend. However, even if this ‘feeling’, this ‘attraction’ was something of love or romance, Dio surely never felt such a thing in his life, at least not in a long time. The audacity of this human—A being below him—Having such an impact to make him so emotionally vulnerable just made his stomach turn. What nerve you had. And yet...He strangely didn’t mind this, this exotic feeling and emotion for him was somewhat of an indulgence. It was more or less as if y/n was the worthiest of his affections in the few times he did allow himself these moments. Y/n was holy, and he was obligated to give you that kind of credit. Dio took in a deep breath and sighed, glancing back down at your tired form. He scanned around, thinking of what else may help. He spotted your messy hair draped over your face and leaned forward, trying his best to wipe them from your eyes without awakening your. Just because he occasionally enjoyed being sweetly intimate, doesn’t mean he was good at it. Typically he lured in his prey sensuality, but tenderness and endearment were not things he often brushed up his skills on. ༺༻ Even if it was only a couple of hours, the silence was tedious. He really was missing having another person to speak to. He’d just spent far too long in silence, the thought of it drove him mad. He didn’t even notice himself tapping his foot in the air as he flipped through the glossy magazine pages. He knew that this power of theirs often resulted in a physical consequence, and the severity of that physical result was dependent on how much power you exerted. Dio could feel this power, but alas he could not see it. Not yet. Even though this was a setback in their plans, it was minor really. The battle brought them one step closer towards Dio finding the one who held the ability to grant these powers to the ones who weren’t naturally gifted like y/n was. Fortunately, Dio was able to force information out of the opposing user before he met his demise. Y/n’s e/c eyes softly fluttered open with a tired groan to follow. You tiredly threw a hand over your eyes with a deep breath. Dio perked up before you even had a chance to collect where you were and set down the cup of wine. “Y/n.” He said, an ounce of enthusiasm lacing his tone. It was almost as if he had completely just set aside his inner turmoil about his feelings in favor of your company again. You paused and turned your head. All Dio was met with was a disgruntled expression, as if they had been woken up out of nowhere during a deep sleeping session. “Dio…? Are we back at the hotel?” The wild blonde nodded. “Despite your unfavorable condition, you were victorious. It was quite a thrill to watch really.” Quickly you sat up and rubbed one of your eyes, almost a bit surprised. Y/n never really went up against another user per-say. You were fortunate enough to have grown up sheltered enough to not have many encounters with another due to an altercation, even with how un-glamours your youth with your parents was. It was also a fascinating discovery for someone like you who was curious about the functionality of stands. They really were an enigma; a shame however that other users were more or less aggressive. Y/n’s smile lasted for a moment until the realization hit them that they may have missed out important information for Dio. A long groan escaped you. Y/n pinched the bridge of their nose. “My apologies Dio...I got ahead of myself...we could’ve tried getting a lead and instead I-“ The corner of his lip lifted, the vampire dismissively waved an arm. “Do not worry about that. I was able to pry details from him before the final blow.” Y/n blinked and let out a sigh of relief, throwing their legs to the edge of the bed. “I must’ve blacked out because I don’t even remember that. Hm, but that doesn’t matter really.” They shrugged. Dio assumed a spot beside them, crossing his arms and throwing a leg over the other. “You got what we needed to know, that's what’s important.” You knowingly smiled up at him. Dio nodded in agreement. “You’re correct.” Dio lifted a finger up. “Anyways, you’re going to need to make preparations for us to embark to egypt as soon as you’re back to complete health.” “Egypt?” You tilted your head. “Yes. That is apparently where I will find the one who can grant others these ‘stands’. He said that she is an old witch of some sorts named Enya.” Y/n raised their brows in surprise. How in the world was he able to get so much precise information without fighting. Then again, this man was supernatural, perhaps he had his own ways of making one talk. Then again, if he did what point was there in making you do all the dirty work. Unless perhaps he wanted to just seize the opportunity to see what he could do and use your opponent as fodder. “Huh...Well. I suppose I was starting to get tired of this country anyways.” Y/n yawned, stretching their shoulder up to their cheek. “Luckily you have me around. Stand users tend to attract other stand users from my knowledge, so finding this woman shouldn’t take too long once we arrive.” “Perhaps. In any case, it may be best to be negotiable once we find this woman.” “Certainly, of course. And if she is an old woman, surely her power may be weaker. Despite today, I don’t particularly care for using my strength against someone weaker. Unless of course they instigate it.” They nodded. “Hm.” Dio glanced down at you for a moment, thinking about what you just said. “Part of me hopes we run into other users. As you know I cannot exactly see what is happening, I am still fascinated by what you can do.” Subconsciously your smile grew a little. You were a sucker for any kind of praise, but they had to keep their contentment dampered. “Thank you...I’m glad I can share my gift with you. When you have a stand as well, I can’t wait for you to fully experience what S/N can do. To be able to see it like I can see it.” Dio re-adjusted himself to a more comfortable position, sitting sideways to put more attention towards their conversation, leg still crossed over the other. “Oh yes, of course. I would be honored to further understand this power of yours more. If it wasn’t for you, I certainly would not be used to this body enough to even function without continued rest.” You shuddered a little internally, it was still a little strange that body was someone else's, even though you were used to this fact, you certainly did not need to be reminded. Y/n forced a smile and chuckled. “Thank you. I’m glad we’re friends as well.” ༺༻ ‘Friends’ that phrase echoed in Dio’s mind. Maybe he was their friend, but Dio did not have friends. Dio always had subjects. Pawns. Harems. Followers. Not that he couldn’t make friends but such relationships were beyond him. And with a human? He could just scoff at the thought. Most humans really weren’t nothing more than pawns, food, or a source of pleasure. Your relationship was not sexual, nor would he use someone who was doing such a big favor for him as food. But if you weren’t either of those, then what were you exactly? A guard dog? No. That was just insulting. Your relationship felt deeper than simply a subject or a pawn. Whatever. ‘Friends’ would suffice for now. The vampire cleared his throat between the silence. “Ahem. Yes. Friends.” Dio glanced at the food he left for them on the nightstand. “You should eat, dear, as I said, I wish to start our journey to Egypt as soon as you are feeling better.” Y/n peered back and took the banana. they opened their mouth to offer him the apple but remember he did not need that. “Right.” They nodded, peeling the banana. “By the way, I’d like to thank you. You could’ve just left me, but instead you tended to me when I was vulnerable.” They paused and continued to quickly eat their banana. “This may be a bit strange, being you’re a vampire, and above me on the food chain but…” Y/n paused and collected their thoughts, thinking how to word this without completely disinteresting him with their sentimentality. “I feel safe when I’m around you. I’m the one who is helping you but honestly? I suppose emotionally I feel secure around you. You’re the only person who seems to understand me and appreciate me.” Dio thought for a moment and scoffed. Not at you, but the fact that someone as smart, clever, and beautiful as you could go unappreciated. His legs uncrossed quickly. “Those who don’t appreciate you are simply putz.” He huffed and shook his head. “Fools. Utter fools.” Y/n froze, watching him place his hand over her head and pat it. “You are possibly the most useful person I’ve come across since my time out. I am uh…” Dio admittedly had faltered. “Grateful...For you as well.” “Really?” They smiled a bit, their gaze drifting up to his hand. “Here I was worried I’d gross you with all this sentimentality.” “No. I suppose even the most superior of beings need to express a bit of tenderness.” He nodded, continuing to gently pat your hair;It was quite soft really. “And if I am to express these sorts of emotions, it should be to one who is worthy of it. Someone I can trust not to use this as a weapon against me.” “Certainly. I know I would expect the same from you as well, Dio.” Your smile became a bit softer. The pair of you fell silent for a moment. The male hadn’t realized it but his hand had drifted down to feel your smooth locks. Y/n blinked and their eyes averted to the side. “Dio? What are you doing?” He quickly caught just what he was doing and pulled away, trying to play it off. Dio cleared his throat and got up from bed,, completely ignoring the subject. “In any case. Go rest. I’ll find some way of entertaining myself, don’t worry.”

[biaswreckingfics]

No Limits: Part 3

Author: biaswreckingfics

Genre: Mafia AU - Warnings? Everything that goes on in a mafia au

Word Count: 4k

Previous Chapter

Baekhyun's POV

Fuck. Fuck. This is not good.

To say that Baekhyun was two seconds away from freaking the hell out was an understatement. There were so many thoughts running through his mind that he had a hard time grasping one and focusing on it.

In the midst of all these thoughts, he had made it up to his bedroom without any recollection of hallways or stairs. He had been in complete autopilot mode.

Now that he was in the safety of his own room, he found his way over to the end of his bed and dropped down onto it. Closing his eyes, he forced himself to breathe in through his nostrils and out of his mouth to calm down.

What the hell had he just done?

"Fuck." He says out loud to absolutely nobody before dropping his head into his hands.

All he could think about was you. Your blinding smile. Your melodious laugh. Your beautiful lips moving against his, and how it took everything he had in him to stop kissing you. He could've stayed down there in that training room with you for hours, and the thought terrified him. That was when reality slammed into him.

He was falling in love with you.

It wasn't just a giant crush or heavy lust. No, Baekhyun was completely falling for you. Your courage enticed him. Your wit impressed him. Your compassion floored him. Everything about you drew him to you like a moth to a flame.

What scared him was that he would happily burn in your brightness.

This realization came with a whole slew of problems. One is that you were his leader’s little sister. The man that Baekhyun had risked his life for time and time again. The one who was there for him after the death of his sister and Minhyuk. Junmyeon would kill any of them for even entertaining the idea of being with you, but that wasn't what Baekhyun was truly afraid of.

After the deaths of Jisoo and Minhyuk, Baekhyun swore he would never be with someone involved in the mafia world. Ever.

He never wanted to constantly worry about the person he loves not coming home or have his partner worry about it either. The constant hoping and praying that one of them wasn't killed in this lifestyle... He didn't want that.

He didn't want a repeat of what happened with his sister and Minhyuk. It would absolutely destroy him if someone were able to hold his relationship over his head and use it against him in any type of way.

Which meant there was only one thing to do.

He'd have to fight his feelings for you and put as much distance between the two of you as possible.

The thought almost brought him to his knees, because it was the absolute last thing he wanted to do, but, as of right now, it was what we had to do.

A loud pounding sounded on his door, jolting Baekhyun from his thoughts before he heard Chanyeol's slurred, demanding voice on the other side of it.

"Let's go to the club!"

Baekhyun squeezes his eyes shut, irritated with having to constantly watch an adult act like a child, and knowing it might be a little fucked up in regards to his situation with you, he says okay.

Y/N'S POV

You don't know how long you sat on the training room floor after Baekhyun had kissed you and ran, but it was long enough for your butt to go numb. You had replayed the kiss in your mind an embarrassing amount of times. You couldn't help but remember the way your bodies had fit together like they were made for each other, and you also couldn't get over the intense feelings you were experiencing.

The kiss confirmed what you had been denying in your mind for a while now, and there was no use in denying it anymore. You were falling for Baekhyun.

There was no one else like him in this world, and you think a part of you knew that when you first met him. Beneath his carefree and reckless exterior was a surprisingly caring, gentle man. His personality lit up a room and drew everyone to him, and that was rare in the mafia world. His ability to make you laugh when you wanted to cry, his willingness to drop everything and come to you when you need him, and his thoughtfulness were all very endearing qualities to you. You cherished them because they were things that nobody had ever given you before.

You jump up from your sitting position and set out to find Baekhyun. The two of you needed to talk about what just happened. You needed to know how he was feeling after he almost tripped over his own feet to get away from the situation.

As you walk past the living room, a figure on the couch catches your attention. You stop mid-stride as you try to see who it is and realize it's Yixing staring off into space with a lost look on his face.

A weird feeling starts pressing on you as you think back to every time you've seen Yixing lately. A lost or sad look was always present on his once smiling face, and that's when you decide you'll find Baekhyun later because right now, your friend needs you.

You move into the living room, and Yixing doesn't even notice you until you plop down onto the couch next to him, and he jumps in surprise.

"You must be doing really well in training. We might even have to put a bell on you soon."

"Or maybe you're losing your skills, Xing," you joke back.

A dark expression crosses his face, and it startles you. This was a look that you had never seen grace his handsome features before, and it made your stomach turn with worry.

"Yixing?"

Your voice snaps him out of whatever dark place he was visiting, and he looks down at his lap and lets out a weak laugh. The sight sent chills down your arms.

"What's going on, Yixing?"

"Nothing. I'm fine." He tries to convince you with a fake smile.

You keep your face as blank as possible, letting him know you weren't falling for whatever act he was playing. "Seriously, Yixing. What's happening right now? You're starting to scare me."

His eyes droop, and he sighs before he looks back down at his hands in his lap and fiddles with them.

"I'm struggling..." He quietly admits. "He was the first one..."

Furrowing your brows in confusion, you try to keep up with his half sentences, but he was speaking quieter and quieter. He was the first one? Who was the first one what? Then, it finally dawns on you.

"Kyungsoo?"

He wordlessly nods while he tries to keep his composure. You rub his arm and wait for him to let out all the feelings he's kept bottled up for over a month, and it's not long before he does.

"He was the first person I've lost..." He looks over at you with tears in his eyes that quickly spill down his cheeks. "He was my brother, and I wasn't able to save him..."

At that moment, he finally let himself break. He collapses down onto his lap as sobs wracked through his body, and all you could do was rub his back as he let it out. Your throat burned, and your eyes stung with unshed tears as you wrapped your body around his quivering form.

There was nothing you could say that would take away his pain and hurt and make him feel better, but it wasn't in your nature not to try.

"It's not your fault... I know, without a doubt, that you did everything you could've done to save him."

"But it wasn't enough."

"That's still not your fault."

You feel him starting to lean back, so you move back and wait. He sits up and looks at you with an incredulous look.

"How can you say that?"

"Do you blame Sehun for building that bomb or placing it in that warehouse?"

"No, but that's different."

You could sense his frustration building, but you needed him to see that he wasn't at fault. "How so?"

"It just is."

The both of you went silent for a moment, letting your own thoughts consume you, before Yixing says something that makes you turn your head so fast, you were momentarily worried you gave yourself whiplash.

"I don't know if I should be here anymore..."

"Excuse me?"

He takes in your worried face and shakes his head. "Not like that... I just... don't know if I should stay with EXO... Or if I'm even wanted here anymore..."

You feel your eyes nearly bulge out of your head. "Of course you're wanted here! You can't leave. Yixing, these guys love you. We all love you. There's no way in hell any of us want you gone."

You feel your heart begin to race the more worked up you get about it. Just the thought of Yixing leaving, especially after Kyungsoo and Sehun were gone, was unacceptable to you right now, and the way Yixing was looking away from you and staying quiet was causing you to worry even more.

"Yixing, do you hear me?"

It takes a moment before he finally nods, causing you to sigh with relief, though a part of you knows that this wasn't the end of the conversation. Just you saying something is not going to solve anything. You needed to tell your brother how Yixing was feeling. Maybe there was a way they dealt with this sort of thing, or maybe your brother would know how to reach Yixing better than you could.

"I feel like I let EXO down."

You can't help but let your mouth fall open over the fact that Yixing was feeling all of these things. "There's no way you would ever let EXO down. You're their brother. They care about you. No matter what. Please never doubt that."

The two of you fall into a thoughtful silence as you run thoughts and feelings through your head. You knew Yixing was struggling, they all were, but it didn't dawn on you just how hard Yixing would take Kyungsoo's death. Not only as a friend and brother but as a medical professional who lost his first patient. That was something you couldn't really understand unless you've gone through it.

After a while, Yixing finally turns to you with a curious expression. "What were you up to before this? Aren't you usually in training right now?"

"Oh... um... Jongin had to take care of something, so I was looking for Baekhyun..."

Yixing made an uncomfortable face before rubbing the back of his neck. "He went out with Chanyeol..."

The beginning feelings of dread start to coil in your stomach. Chanyeol only cared about two things these days, getting fucked and getting fucked up, and the guy you just realized you liked went out with him... After nearly tripping over his own feet to get away from you...

Maybe... maybe you read the situation wrong... Maybe Baekhyun's not as into you as you thought he was...

"Do you know where?" You quietly ask.

"Strip club, bar," Yixing shrugs his shoulders. "Take your pick."

Sehun's POV

"When you connect it like this, the activation time shortens by roughly seven seconds."

Sehun nods his head as he listens to Jaesuk explain to him how he built one of their newest weapons. The man he had befriended was the Baem's "weapon expert", and Minho thought it'd be a good idea to pair Sehun up with him since he was showing so much "potential".

Sehun was beginning to think they were all full of bullshit. How would he have been a member for, apparently, years, and they didn't know how great he was with weapons? It made zero sense that they wouldn't know of his skillset, but he played along because what the hell else was he supposed to do?

His memories were slowly trickling back, being triggered by moments and things that felt familiar to him, but he couldn't go out there into the city and try to hide from the Baem. He would be like a wandering, lost puppy.

It also struck him to the core that he knew, with every fiber of his being, if he left, the Baem would come after him, and that sent his already shot nerves into hyperdrive.

From the corner of his eye, Sehun saw someone walking past them, but he ignored them until a flash of red had him shooting straight up, causing Jaesuk to stop midsentence.

"You good?"

He hears Jaesuk's question, but he ignores it as he searches for the color that set alarms off in his head. Off to his right, walking out of the warehouse he was in, was a man with fiery red hair and Sehun felt compelled to go after him, so that's what he did.

Leaving Jaesuk, who kept asking him what was wrong, behind, Sehun takes off after the man who had exited the warehouse and begins to follow him down the empty, white hallway. It was only when he was halfway down the hallway did he realize it was one he was told not to go down, but there was no stopping him.

The flash of familiarity and sense of safety he felt when he saw that red hair was something he hadn't experienced since he lost his memories, and he would be damned if he didn't go after it. It also didn't escape his notice that the only person he's ever seen with this color hair was a member of EXO.

The man made another turn ahead of him, and Sehun sped up to a jog, so he wouldn't lose him, but this place was filled with so many twists and turns that he lost him around the corner anyways.

Sehun resisted the urge to cuss out loud because he was in a restricted area, but he knew he would make a sailor proud with the words that were flowing through his head. Now that he lost the guy, he had two options. He could either turn around and go back to Jaesuk before he got in trouble or he could keep going and take a chance on getting caught, but before he could choose, he overheard voices carrying from down that hall.

"Any moves yet?"

The question was followed with a snort, and even though he knew he should hide, Sehun found himself frozen in place.

"Please. EXO lost two of their members. Add the sister in there, and they're spiraling into chaos. They'll fall apart all on their own. All we have to do is sit back and watch."

"That's not enough for me. I want to take them down. I want to crush them myself."

"Well, we've got the kid. What do you want to do with him?"

The kid? Who was the kid? Him? Sehun didn't even recognize the voices talking, so why would they be talking about him?

"We'll keep waiting until he shows some sign of his memories coming back and then see whatever information we can get out of him."

"Then what? When he gets his memories back, he's not going to cooperate."

Oh. He was definitely the kid. He holds his breath and tries to catch their words better.

"We'll kill him before he becomes a problem."

Sehun freezes for a moment because there was only one person they could be talking about, and he was currently overhearing their conversation.

They were going to kill him... but why kill one of their own "members"? Also, what information were they trying to get out of him?

"What if EXO finds out we have him first?"

His mind was reeling from information overload. Why would EXO care about him? How was he connected to them?

All of his instincts were screaming at him that he shouldn't be here. He wasn't safe, and the people who claimed to be his allies planned on killing him once they got what they wanted from him.

He needed to find a way out. He had to escape from the Baem, and why did he know, without a shadow of a doubt, that EXO would be his ticket out of here?

Y/N's POV

You didn't even know how much time had passed between Yixing leaving and Jongdae finding you, but it was enough time that the sky you had been watching went from a dusky blue to a pitch black.

Your mind had traveled all over, jumping from various thoughts about everything and nothing, and you were almost relaxed.

Looking out into the treeline in the backyard has been something that has brought comfort to you ever since you first came into this house. There was always something calming about nature for you, and you were able to pull strength from it.

However, as soon as you heard Jongdae's voice, your peace was shattered, and a thought crept into your mind.

The weird feeling you got during Kyungsoo's memorial... The feeling of being watched by someone...

At the time, you had meant to bring it up, but there was so much going on that it slipped your mind. You had been so angry at your brother that night, and Jongdae was so broken over the loss of his best friend that you thought it could wait. Then you started training every day, and you forgot all about it.

If you brought it up now, your brother would be livid you never spoke up.

"Yo, Earth to Y/N. Are you ready to train or what?"

You respond to Jongdae and follow him towards his security cave that he practically lived in. The two of you had begun conversing when the front door you were walking past was thrown open, startling you.

Jongdae was quick to grab his gun and have it aimed at whoever was coming through, but he slowly lets it drop once you both realize who was stumbling into the place.

Baekhyun and Chanyeol.

Both men had clearly consumed alcohol, but while Baekhyun was pulling himself together, Chanyeol was completely gutted.

Jongdae and you silently watch as Baekhyun attempts to drag Chanyeol towards the stairs with clear difficulty, neither of you were willing to help them as this scene was so common now. As Baekhyun passes you, he flashes you a quick smile that does little to calm the nerves that immediately crept up the moment you saw him.

After Jongdae was done muttering expletives about Chanyeol, he motions for you to follow him, but a whiff of perfume leaves you rooted to the floor. Slowly, you look up at the two men currently struggling to get up the stairs, knowing they were the reason you were smelling a feminine scent that wasn't your own.

A sick feeling creeps into your stomach as you think about Baekhyun having another girl all over him after kissing you mere hours ago, but you try to snap yourself out of it. You and Baekhyun weren't together. You were... well, you were confused about what you were, but you weren't in a relationship, so you couldn't really get mad, right?

Jongdae repeats your name, and when you finally look over at him, he asks if you're okay. With a nod, you follow him down to his security room and try to forget about what just happened.

As you walk into his cave, you quickly take in the messiness of it and furrow your brows in concern. Jongdae was not a messy person, and his bedroom and security room were both extremely clean places, so the clothes thrown over the computer monitors and trash that littered the desks and floor were completely out of character.

It didn't take a genius to figure out he was falling apart after losing his best friend, and that was when you realize you haven't been a very good friend to him. When was the last time you've even seen Jongdae?

Jongdae falls into his normal seat, while you turn to another one and remove the clothes sitting on it, so you can sit down. He turns to face the cameras and ignores your questioning stare, but if you were going to sit in here for the next couple of hours, you were going to get him to talk.

"How have you been?"

He had noticed you surveying the room when you entered, so he knew your question wasn't the generic "how are you"?

"I'm not going to break."

"I know that..." You respond to his nonanswer before trailing off.

You continue to stare at him, hoping he'll open up at least a little bit, but he just rolls his eyes at you in response.

"You're not going to get any sappy shit from me, so come on, let me teach you what you need to know."

You decide to let it go for now, but while Jongdae was teaching you how to find information on a person's history, i.e. hack into government databases, your mind kept wandering off. Not because of boredom, but because your mind wanted to focus on so many other things, like Baekhyun, the kiss, the perfume, the weird feeling of being watched, the fight with your brother, everything besides what Jongdae was showing you.

He leans back in his chair and sighs. "You're not even paying attention to me."

"I'm sorry..." You tell him, seeing the clear frustration on his face.

He turns his chair to face you and then leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees. He searches your face while twiddling his thumbs before finally asking, "What's going on? Why can't you focus?"

"You're not going to get any sappy shit from me." You throw his excuse back at him, and that was the moment you realized you were good at making Jongdae roll his eyes.

"How long do you keep the camera recordings?" You quietly ask, knowing you have to give him something because there was no way he was going to let you get away with not paying attention to your training.

He sits up from his slouched position, immediately suspicious, so you reluctantly tell him about the weird feeling you got at the memorial.

You can see the anger and disbelief grow on his face as you tell him something that you never meant to keep secret. The more on edge he became, the more you tried to sink into your chair and let it swallow you whole. You fucked up. Big time.

"How the fuck did you not say anything?!" He shouts at you.

"I thought I might've been paranoid..." You mumble, causing him to let out a small, angry laugh at your foolishness.

"Haven't you heard the saying 'it's not paranoia if someone is actually out to get you'?"

He shakes his head at you before moving to sit in front of the main computer. His fingers fly over the keyboard as he searches for the camera files from the date of the memorial. You silently watch because you knew your mistake of being quiet could've been deadly for all of you.

When he finds the exact date, he pulls up the cameras for the backyard. You sit up in surprise because you didn't even know half of these cameras existed. They were hidden so well.

"Where?"

You get close to the monitors and examine the images. Half of them looked the same to you since the backyard was surrounded by trees. When you were pretty sure you found the right camera, Jongdae enlarges the screen, and the two of you hold your breath as you watch the video.

At first, you see nothing out of the ordinary, just unmoving trees, but then a shadow appears in between two big pine trees. It never breaks the treeline, but it was very clearly a humanoid shape.

Jongdae leans back into his seat and lets out a "holy shit", while your eyes remain glued to the image. Your instincts were right. Someone had been watching you.

Tagging: @knjkitten​ @kpopserene​ @multifandombxxch​ @tashaxvamp​ @kpop---scenarios​ @bhyunni​ @chanyeolismybaby​ @flaming-laboob​ @taetaeeyong​ @lilbitoflyssa​ @misstressporkchoppp​ @hoseok-wang​ @spiltkpop​ @isha454 @depuis2mille​ @marovekian1​ @ladylynae​ @abby8451 @lynniev​ @insta1010​ @sawadabegum @avxngxrrogxrs​ @equesasprokishi @imstuckinafictionaluniverse​ @layisanangel​ @mongryong-the-corgi​ @overthelamebowz​ @lizbether01 @thatanonymousgirl-as14​ @nothingbutadeadesceane​ @kim-ji-hyeons-world​ @suhappysuho​ @futuremrspcy​ @lovebuginlove​ @skylions-den​

[dotthings]

So let’s talk about Cas’s issues, and how they hit that nerve of Dean’s insecurities. 

I feel like Dean’s personal issues get discussed a lot (by myself included), both from a Dean-positive take and from the pressure placed on this character in a more negative way. There’s a lot of expectation placed on Dean as a character and ironically enough, in that process I feel like even Cas fans don’t do enough digging into what makes Cas tick, what his weak points are, his fears, his cyclical dysfunctional hang-ups. Cas is a layered, complicated, well-developed character with a now 12 season history on the show, as a main character, even if he is less prominent than Sam and Dean, and as such this means there are flaws as well as goodness in him. It does Cas a disservice to paint him as never wrong, as never causing hurt to those he loves. I’m not speaking as a Dean fan here, but as a Cas fan, this just isn’t about fairness to Dean, I feel there is an actual imbalance in how these discussions tend to go and it’s kind of a habitual tendency in the fandom. In part fueled by the fact that Dean is so open with his feelings, shows that he feels things SO hard and so deeply, that’s the character, and that kind of makes Dean a lightning rod to talk about Dean feelings, good or bad.

Canonically, Cas tends to get less pov due to structure, when Cas isn’t in every ep of a season and where SPN structurally puts Sam and Dean as the center spokes of the wheel, no matter how near the center Cas is of that show wheel. Cas has become another core pillar--Dabb referred to Cas along with Dean as a “core character” in his pre 15.09 interview. But because logistically, Dean still carries more pov on the show, we get more looks into Dean’s mind than into Cas’s. Which isn’t as great for Dean fans as you might think because by SPN not giving more Cas pov, it’s putting more and more of the responsibility for making the profound bond work onto Dean and Dean’s pov. While Cas has contributed plenty to this rift that developed.

There’s also the thing about the fandom default perception is that Dean is repressed emotionally. Which, sure, in many respects, yeah. But not in the way it’s popularized in fandom. Dean is actually the more facile, open, raw, vulnerable in expression of his emotions, with big outbursts, of hurt/anger or softness. He goes big. He expresses. He cries easily. He doesn’t exactly hide. He wears his heart on his sleeve. But because Dean is also a character who constructed facades to survive, he puts on facades and one facade is "no chick flick moments.” A facade I’ve pointed out again and again he’s terrible at maintaining, nonetheless it is real and he can be gruff and he does at times try to hide from his own feelings, and avoid, and struggles not to say stuff and then it gets out anyway. But he’s also very openly emotional.

While Cas is actually far more locked up emotionally as a character. Far more repressed than Dean. Look at his background. Millennia as an angel. Shoved back through the angel reprogramming machine every time he displayed an independent thought. Angels have emotions. They are not unfeeling. But they are taught emotions are weaknesses. They are a taint. They are dangerous. A lot of Cas’s arcing over the past 11 years has been about learning what emotions are and how to manage them. Even if we remove that factor, Cas also has a personality of his own, as a character, and is a survivor of trauma and abuse, as Dean is. Cas, like Dean, carries a lot of anger.

Cas is impulsive. Sometimes heedless. Ironically, he often pulls Dean back from heedlessness. But he has that tendency and Cas’s heedlessness tends to result in cosmic level events (leviathans unleashed, angels falling). He has a temper. He will end you if you hurt those he loves. Cas in the past has shown a hubris about how he has to fix all the things because these frail humans he loves can’t, Dean’s “just a man,” and while Cas definitely outgrew that, there are remnants still there. Which isn’t JUST hubris. Cas, being an abuse and torture survivor, being a survivor of emotional neglect, similarly to Dean, also has, similarly to Dean, this thing about needing a mission, a purpose. He needs to be needed. And if he isn’t serving a purpose, if he feels he isn’t being useful, then he feels worthless. The Dean corollary to that is Dean’s lack of self worth in what his father instilled in him--that he has no purpose, no mission, outside of protect Sam, and the hunt.

This need for purpose and Cas’s insecurities powered a lot of his arc with Jack. Cas’s relationship with Dean evolved over time. They didn’t stay just the same. In some ways the bond equalized in good ways, but as part of that, Cas was no longer the “Winchesters’ guardian” of early Cas seasons. That role gave Cas purpose. As Cas drew deeper and deeper into the family, as his character developed and he increasingly got his own arcs, which are all good things, that also meant Cas wondered what his purpose is.

Protecting Jack gave him purpose. A mission. Someone to look after. His relationship with Dean isn’t that. That hit a height with “draped yourself in the flag of Heaven” at the end of S9. By S11 the focus shifted to Dean’s drive to save Cas. Dean and Cas’s relationship is that of peers, fellow soldiers, friends, and yes, on a coded level that’s been harder and harder to ignore in later seasons, lovers/husbands. 

Cas devoting himself all to Dean wasn’t sustainable. Just as Dean couldn’t perpetually be all about Sam, but while Dean and Cas are more peers/husbands role, Dean is Sam’s stand-in parent. Dean was parentified at the age of four. Sam as recently in 15.09 says Dean raised him. Sam knows his actual father figure is Dean, not Bobby, not John. There’s a whole lot about Sam and Dean’s relationship that made a lot more sense to me once I kept that in mind, that symbolically they were parent/child not just siblings/hunting partners. (Their codependency added another complication into the mix) That is not the relationship Dean and Cas have ever had. They are protective of each other. But it’s not a pseudo parent-child relationship. Nor are they codependent. But Dean always had a Sam, while Cas...did not have a Sam. Dean wasn’t his Sam, once he found a Dean. Dean was something else entirely. Not less, but different.

Enter Jack and while I was resistant to that arc initially, in the long game I can see multiple overarching purposes for the story. One of them is Cas’s character development. While the Cas and Jack bond isn’t just like Sam and Dean’s, and I’m not suggesting it is, it has that similar pseudo parent-child aspect. Jack is all of Team Free Will’s kid, but I think the way Jack impacted Cas’s arc made the most seismic shifts. 

The thing about this S15 rift with Dean and Cas is that it’s not really about Dean’s existential crisis about “realness.” It’s not actual about Mary or Jack or that freakin’ snake. Well, it is...I’m not suggesting Dean had no valid reason to be hurt and upset with Cas. That is real. But this was ramped up as a culmination of years of issues. It mashed Dean’s buttons so hard because these are reflective of cyclical behaviors that come from Cas and it hurts Dean every time. Underlying all that, maybe subtextually, Dean’s doubts about realness played into it here as well. But the doubts, fears, insecurities, and hurts Dean feels about Cas are there regardless. Chuck applied pressure points to hasten the rift. To rip them apart because that serves his purpose but all he did was play on their actual insecurities and feelings and then watch them dance to his tune. 

One of Dean and Cas’s issues has been things that have been there a long time, in the relationship, where Dean’s chronic issues play on Cas’s insecurities and Cas’s chronic issues play on Dean’s insecurities. There’s a bunch I could reel off. Dean’s abandonment issues vs. Cas’s tendency to keep things from Dean, not turn to Dean, not trust Dean, for one. This is something Cas has done for years, long before Jack, and it hurt Dean then and it hurt Dean now. Just for example.

I feel like what happened late S14/early S15 is that all these long running issues they never addressed came crashing down on the bond at once. 

The things that are Cas’s issues, Cas hasn’t talked much about. Cas doesn’t talk about his innermost emotional landscape the way Dean does. Sometimes he does speak his feelings, but I wish he’d do it more often. 

The things Cas has done in the past that hit on Dean’s abandonment issues all got ramped up with Jack. And it happened more than once. Why is Dean so hurt. Look at how he responds to Cas keeping things from him, or to losing Cas, or to Cas not reaching out to Dean, trusting Dean enough to go to him in the past. How hard that has been on Dean. Take your pick of plots. Cas teaming up with Crowley. Cas and the monster souls. Cas running off with the angel tablet. 

With Jack there was a string of events. It wasn’t just the one thing. This isn’t my condemnation of Cas or because I don’t get Cas’s motivations and good intentions. Or about Cas being right/wrong. Right or wrong, his actions still hurt Dean. Being a parent added such a completely new layer into Team Free Will bonds, the TFW familial unit shifted. Change can be hard on a relationship anyway.

Quick recap of the sequence of events with Cas and Jack: it was Cas slipping away from Dean as Cas devoted himself to a nephilim in embryo. When Cas bonded with Jack’s grace in the womb. When Dean said he didn’t recognize Cas. There was Cas’s belief in the vision Jack showed him. It was Kelly giving Cas a mission to protect her son. Cas, like Dean, feels a strong sense of duty. Remember Dean’s S2 speech when Sam died? How Dean expressed the depth of his sense of failure? “I had one job, to keep you safe.” And by the end of S14, Cas lost Jack. He had one job. To keep Jack safe.

Cas pretty much thinks he’s worthless without that, same as Dean.

So there’s Cas, taken by Kelly after Dean was begging him--begging him--to return to the bunker with them so they could talk. While Kelly effectively prevented Cas from taking the action he might have done of his own volition since she drove off in the Impala with Cas still inside it and he couldn’t stop the car without hurting her and her unborn child, the element of choice there is murky. But Cas did choose to protect Jack. He did choose to knock out Sam and Dean at the playground. There’s Dean, as he has in prior seasons, seeing Cas walking away again. 

Then it happens again. Cas heedlessly goes after Lucifer, when he should have waited, Cas was so focused on his Jack mission, and as a result, Lucifer stabs Cas dead, right in front of Dean’s eyes. So Dean loses Cas again, and audience gets to see Dean is utterly devastated (but Cas doesn’t). 

But then Dean gets Cas back! His big win...which Dean confesses to Sam but again, Cas doesn’t get to hear it. And then right after getting Cas back, Cas is running off again, due to Jack. Dean begs Cas--BEGS HIM--let me come along, you need backup and Cas says no. Because Cas has to fix all the things himself. So Cas gets kidnapped and locked in an angel proof cell. Dean doesn’t even know he’s lost Cas this time due to voice mimicky plot, but there it is again, Dean loses Cas, again for Jack. Then Cas keeps that detail about Felix the snake from Dean, which wasn’t right for Cas to do, to be so secretive. Whatever his intentions, no that wasn’t right, and it goes right back to Cas’s tendencies shown in earlier seasons. To fix the thing himself. Anael calls Cas on it, even. His fears. Which leads to Cas finally going to Sam and Dean with the information. Cas apologizes and confesses, explains in a rare moment of us actually getting to see inside Cas’s emotional landscape that he was scared what Jack losing his soul would do to tear this TFW family apart. What Cas would lose because of that. A hella lot of that is about Dean, not just TFW or Jack. 

None of this has ever been Cas not caring about Dean. Cas was there for Dean in S14. He fought to save Dean, first from Michael, then the Ma’lek box. But Dean and Cas don’t exist in a profound bond bubble.

Dean doesn’t even know yet that Cas sold himself to The Empty to save Jack midway through S14. Should we start screaming now?

So after Cas’s confession and apology late in S14 about what Jack did to the snake that Cas didn’t clue in Sam and Dean about, Mary is dead, because of soulless Jack, and all hell breaks loose with Jack, and Dean believes the only way out of this with soulless Jack is to kill soulless Jack. Cas doesn’t agree. Dean delivers an ultimatum, my way or the highway and who cares what you think (bad move, Dean). So to save Jack and Dean, because if Dean shot Jack with Chuck’s gun, it would kill Dean too, Cas runs off to get to Jack first. 

From Dean’s perspective he’s seing Cas’s back again, leaving him again. Losing Cas again.

Think about how this steps on the same nerves as Cas’s vanishing acts in earlier seasons, or Cas walking into the lake, or Cas staying behind in Purgatory when Dean did everything he could to save him. Think about Dean’s abandonment issues. Think about how Dean’s abandonment issues and this repeat cycle of Cas’s inherent tendency to not get that he should loop his family into things, that he can’t fix it all on his own, of leaving, even if he always comes back. And no we can’t blame Cas for the times he left when he didn’t want to, when something happened to Cas, but when he vanished into the lake in 7.01, when he insisted on staying behind in Purgatory in S8, when he heedlessly went pell mell after Lucifer--Dean losing Cas was a direct result of Cas’s choices. Where Cas put himself into a position where Dean lost him. 

This has happened again...and again. Imagine the heart-crushing heartbreaking panic for Dean during their Purgatory revisit when Cas disappeared. It’s Dean having to relive his Cas trauma. Because guess what, Dean loves Cas a lot. I don’t know how this even became in question in fandom, it continues to utterly baffle me. 

So it’s not really about Jack though. I’m not blaming the Jack storyline for this. What happened was the Jack storyline brought those issues to a boiling point. Cas’s insecurities and drive to have a mission. Dean’s abandonment issues clashing with Cas’s running off again. Repeatedly. 

What’s going to happen when Dean finds out about The Empty deal, and not just the deal itself but the fact Cas kept that, too, from him. I don’t think it will be rage this time. Not after 15.09. It will however, I suspect, be utterly devastating for Dean...maybe this time he won’t snap at Cas, he’ll just say how devastating it is, before he and Sam get to work on a solution. And Cas will have to witness how devastating it is. Cas hearing Dean’s prayer in 15.09 is such a big deal and I really really hope this hit Cas hard and woke him up to some things. Because with all of Cas’s particular insecurities, despite the fact that Dean has repeatedly shown Cas directly how much he matters, there’s also been plenty audience gets to see (Cas is family/Dean’s grief arc/Cas is a big win) that Cas hasn’t. Cas hearing Dean’s prayer here I think will change things. Cas won’t be the same. Dean won’t be the same. The bond won’t be the same. In a good way. 

15.09 didn’t feel like resolution to me, and I’m glad Dabb confirmed that in his pre ep interview. It felt like ice melting, barriers crumbling. That’s good. It’s a start. That will help them with what’s next. But they have so much to work through still. Because their problems aren’t just from recent plot events, or Chuck. These tap into some fundamental things about them each that affects their bond. I’ve been saying this since before the end of S14, this isn’t hear to destroy their bond, it’s to level it up. It’s to deepen it, to fix what’s been amiss at the root and realize it into something even more powerful.

I need Cas to speak, not just Dean. Not just for my ship but for the character, I need more looks into Cas’s inner emotional landscape and how he feels about his own insecurities and I’d love to see an equally big confession about his Dean feelings.

[flying-elliska]

Ok I caught up with wtfock s3 because well, it felt weird to leave unfinished (except a few clips i just didn’t want to watch, like the attack one). here’s what worked and didn’t for me (i’m pretty critical so don’t read if that sort of thing upsets you or you’re not in the mood) because i still think having this story remade so often is an unprecendented storytelling experiment worth thinking about even when it doesn’t entirely work (and i think argumented criticism is good, but if you post hate about the actors/fans etc you really suck tbh) : 

- to start with positives : like many said, the acting was pretty damn good. overall wtfock has a really solid cast. the willems have succeeded in creating an onscreen queer intimacy that feels very believable, no holds barred and no awkwardness, and they have to be commended for that. there’s a lot of chemistry and tension at first between them, which then turns into something very soft and sweet and puppy-love-like. it was nice seeing Robbe evolve and the sweet bean energy that emanates from how the actor plays him is very very powerful. i also loved the warmth of the flatshare, and as a Dutchie I just adored the Sinterklaas bits, it was so funny and i loved the found family vibes. warmth is just something they do really well, esp with the last clips, perfume shopping, playing board games, the party at the end. They use the Christmassy vibes really well. the cinematography has its moments too, contrasts between warm and cold, the episode at the beach is gorgeous, the sequence in the tunnel, the light on their faces when they are in that classroom surrounded by drawings. wtfock as a whole is also good at creating some very lovable secondary characters, be it Milan, Yasmina, Noor, or especially king Senne. So, I do understand that there are things to love about this remake, which is probably why my disappointment feels so strong. I really wanted to care about these characters in their journey. 

- on to the controversial : i don’t necessarily fault them for wanting to show a more prononced aspect of homophobia. i think the debate about this often lacks nuance. on one hand, this is the sixth remake, and homophobia is something that is still often prevalent, and having one remake show that out of six is not in itself a problem. on the other, yes, happy fluffy stories are important, but sometimes people who have gone through stuff like this also need to see their experiences represented. the power of skam is that it shows difficult experiences BUT ALSO a happy ending. that can be very healing, i think, compared to other stories which focus only on the drama. the trouble is, i don’t think they dealt with it very well, or put any effort into processing the consequences of these harrowing things. and if you don’t, it feels cheap.

- on to my main gripe : the writing. previsible, i know. but to me, essential. and this is not about them ‘changing things’ - i like when remakes change stuff, when they do it well. the thing is, i have been burned too many times before. and when i sense that the writing is being wack, it makes it automatically much harder for me to invest emotionally in the characters. and simply put there were signs early on that made me distrust the writers. for starters, the first two episodes gave me a feeling that they didn’t have their priorities in order. the POV-immersion and depth is one of the most powerful aspects of skam, and it was lost. too many early clips felt out of Robbe’s perspective, and when it was him it was about Noor ; a few clips to show his discomfort were on point, but there were too many of them, and there were repetitive, losing time on what isn’t really an essential part of Robbe’s journey. and while they were spending time on clips that felt like misery flavored filler, they decided several times to condense original clips focused on Isak and Even, together ; like their first meeting and then their first hangout, or later in the series OHN and the minute by minute talk. and i think their story suffered from that. i think because they don’t have a real discussion early on, the buildup of their relationship feels mostly based on physical attraction. and while it certainly is a thing that happens, it just isn’t my fave love story thing. i missed the sweet pining from afar and tension that makes later drama believable. it felt like they brought the drama comparatively too fast without enough character work to make it worthwhile. Also there is just too much time spent on Zoenne drama, and their breakup seems like it foreshadows the dreaded s4 love triangle, which, yikes. the focus is all over the place, the rythm felt incoherent. 

- what’s more, they decided to introduce pretty grave elements of plot, like Robbe using slurs against Sander, the homophobic attack, the suicidal urges on both their sides, Sander kissing Britt while he was still saying I love you to Robbe in the morning, without either proper build up or resolution. It made it all feel cheap, jarring, and unearned, especially when they didn’t put trigger warnings or made jokes about it on insta or waited forever to give news about the characters being ok. it felt like drama for the sake of drama, and definitely not written with a vulnerable audience of queer teens in mind. and at the same time, when it came to the ‘big scenes’ of their relationship, like the first kiss or the universes talk or sander’s episode, it felt more or less lifted from OG without a lot of effort made to adapt it to them. i actually quit live watching/blogging after the first kiss scene, because of how similar it was, and how uninspired it felt, and lukewarm. it felt like a lack of imagination. when it came to OHN, the scene in itself was lovely, but the weird time gap, random timing and people seemingly doing nothing after a suicidal Sander disappeared, sort of broke it for me.  In the OG the combo of buildup, longing, realisation, fear, release works so well in a sequence, and splitting it over time really diluted it, to me. Similarly the quickly thrown out ‘life is now’ at the ending felt sort of out of nowhere, while in OG it was such a lovely bookend, him apologizing to Eva and reflecting on his growth. The symbolism, which ties everything so beautifully together in themes of rebirth, salvation, baptism, union, faith, deciding your own narrative in OG, here feels inconsistent. There is an attempt I see, something about wasteland vs. warmth/family, but it’s often absent of main clips. It’s nowhere near as coherent as it could be. 

- all of this builds up to the main problem for me, of the season. which is, i didn’t really get into Robbe and Sander’s relationship. Or their individual arcs for that matter. When it comes to Robbe, I guess he just isn’t my type of character. I feel like he is missing the fire of an Isak. A lot of the time he just felt too passive, like he let other characters make his decisions. I was waiting for him to stand up for himself more than he did. And there are too many scenes of another character doing his coming out for him. And then Sander ; I have to say I don’t understand all the love his character gets. Maybe because that’s because he sort of gives me Dutch fuckboi vibes...but there were several times he just came accross as a flat out asshole. I found him intriguing in his intro clip, chaotic and charming, but that never really went where i expected it to. i didn’t get his passion, what drew him to art. the symbolism around his character - basically Bowie, and drawing Robbe, and Chernobyl (which is a bit tasteless imho, turning a tragedy like that into a cutesy romantic thing), feels ...disjointed, and shallow to me. Like I never really got into it. And maybe some people did and noticed deeper links but to me, I got stuck at the surface. I saw a lot of interesting theories with what was going on with him but in the end they just copied OG. And I’m sad to say, but he ended up feeling like a manic pixie dream boy cliché to me, and i just didn’t understand what drew them to each other so strongly. Yes, Robbe is caring and Sander is in need of care, but that feels like a very reductive reproduction of OG. Beyond that...i don’t know. Certain complexities of the OG i loved  just...were sanded away, like Isak being ignorant about MI and learning compassion. This just...didn’t feel like it had the same depth, and often felt like soapy teenage drama, leaning too hard and too lazily on the actors’ chemistry. i like my romances wordy and solidly enmeshed in character development, and this was not it. It never felt like they had a real conversation about things, esp after the drama. 

- i think this is the first remake that made me actually angry for reasons not related to problematic cast shit, and so i’m trying to analyze that emotion. for me it comes down to too much drama, too heavy handed. Too much of the boy squad being shitty to Robbe, too much Noor, too much filler clips without any deeper meaning, too much things distracting from getting to know the main characters and going into their issues in depth. They changed stuff, but didn’t have the guts to actually follow through. They broke the mold but only in ways that ended up feeling shallow and unconsequential. Like I would have loved seeing Robbe go to therapy ! see his mom ! Zoe and Robbe go to the police together ! Sander have a complicated home situation ! or doing a Bowie related art installation to express his feelings of alienation ! seeing more of the underground graffiti scene ! or just...something, idk. And them also removing the faith-related themes also felt disappointing. and the ohn clip taking place in the place where sander draws feels very....basic to me, even if it was pretty. very ‘oh he’s an artist, here is his safe place’....hm, okay. I didn’t like that they made Britt into such a villain, I didn’t like how the boy squad showed no care for Robbe whatsoever for weeks until the plot said it was time for them to be redeemed in a way that felt too jarring, and I didn’t like that they made Moyo so horrible but redeemed him so easily. I actually thought they would show that it’s okay to separate yourself from friends who are that bigoted, because it just shows they are not willing to care for people. And him suddenly saying those sweet and mature things felt too out of characters and a ahah ‘gotcha’ rather than depth . I didn’t like that Robbe, too, was made so virulent by his internalized homophobia but got over it so quickly. I think what disappointed me most, in the end, was that I kept picking up potential and the show kept doing absolutely nothing with it, or confirming my fears, and it made me feel stupid and out of tune with whatever they were doing. And it’s, to me, symptomatic in modern storytelling of a trend to privilege shocks and twists over inner coherence and build up. And it makes for...Very underwhelming stuff, in the end. 

- all in all, i think this remake illustrates why s3 of OG is not as easy to remake as it sounds. it’s very intricate machinery, with a pitch perfect rhythm (and an extremely passionate nitpicky fanbase lmao). and if you don’t get all the parts of why it’s so great, you’re going to lose a lot of it. (and all the remakes ended losing up stuff in translation ; more or less compensated by inventivity and charm of their own.) so many mainstream press articles praise the real time/social media format and the ‘real talk about teen issues’ which, yeah, is part of the success, but doesn’t explain the devotion on its own. there’s the way the story uses real time to build up a storytelling rythm that feels organic and makes sense as if it was part of the lives of the viewer. There’s foreshadowing and aftershocks. Wtfock often feels like they wrote the clip numbers on darts and randomly threw them at a week planner. If an episode of a regular series ends on a cliffhanger, we can be thrilled and frustrated and put it aside for next week. but if you end an episode with a character shown to be suicidal, or you don’t show them being okay after a beating, for hours or days, that’s the emotion you leave your viewers with, because skam is a continuous experience. and remakes who pile on drama moments without respite (looking at you too skamfr s4) don’t get how tiring and disengaging this can be, in this format. skam worked so well because of how benevolent it was, on the whole. and also, cheeky, with that ‘don’t take it too seriously’ deflating humor. grumpy isak in ‘hate me now’ mode getting bumped into. this lightness and comedy often feels missing here. also my god the social media is absolutely terrible. plus...there is too much filler. honestly, them having more time, on the whole...ended up being a bad thing. Plus Wtfock feels like it has so much more unadressed plot points, like...why did Sander change his mind exactly and kiss Britt again ? How did Robbe’s mom react ? Who did the attack ? What is happening w Senne now ? etc. And it feels like they just missed the fact that OG, however subtly, did adress those things. 

- now, don’t get me wrong, i’m happy it’s popular in Belgium. On the whole it’s still a beautiful story of love and acceptance. and that people found something in it that spoke to them. but as a remake, it’s probably one of the most disappointing yet, to me. and i sort of...don’t get the hype. and i don’t want to be too ‘oh cute boys kissing’ cynical about it. but i think this illustrates why in the end, this is also very subjective. there are probably things i missed because i didn’t feel the need to examine it in depth or do the extra emotional work that comes with being a devoted fan of something. and some of their choices made me angry, and i’m not forgiving when it comes to these things. i still wish them success for s4 and whatever else, but i don’t think i will watch live, at least unless it gets really rave reviews about their treatment of Yasmina’s season. i mean they got s2 right, who knows? 

[imaginesforyourfandom]

Loving Her: Alex Morgan - Chapter 10

(Y/N) POV:

I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The pain in my chest was starting to become unbearable as I made my way down the hallway. I was trying to keep my composure as I finally got to the door I had been looking for. I banged on it for a few moments before it was pulled open. I don’t think she knew what was going, but she pulled me into the room as I struggled to breathe.

“Are you okay?” Tierna asked looking up from her position on her bed as I tried to catch my breath. Everything felt too loud and too quiet all at the same time. My thoughts were screaming at me as Becky took a firm grip on my shoulders as I gave her a panicked look.

“I need you to relax.” She said as I relaxed slightly. I knew I was safe with her. Nothing could touch me while she was right there. “What’s going on?”

“They all know…” I mumbled as she frowned for a moment…and then realization flooded her face as I looked down closing my eyes. She pushed me towards the bed and had me sit down as she got me a water bottle from their fridge.

“Drink this.” She said as she looked deep in thought. Tierna was looking back and forth between us with confusion until her phone dinged. She looked down and read the message she had just received. She then looked back up with a sympathetic look as I looked away from her. I drew my legs up to my chest as I placed my head in between them.

“Please don’t…” I mumbled as Becky placed a hand on my shoulder. She pushed me slightly trying to get me to lay down.

“Lay down…” she said as I looked up at her with pain in my eyes. “You should rest.”

I did as I was told letting myself lay down in her bed. The overwhelming amount of emotions must have been to much for my body, because I was out like a light.

I don’t know how much time had passed when I woke up. It was significantly darker outside and all I could hear was the TV playing. There were a few voices talking softly as I laid there trying to will myself to sit up. It wasn’t happening as I just listened to whoever was talking.

“She stormed out before any of us could say anything.” I heard Pinoe say as Becky sighed.

“So, where is everyone else?”

“Kelley is with Sonnett and them, Alex has herself locked up in their room with Allie I think, and I have no clue where Christen went, but I do know that Tobin, JJ, and Crystal went with her. Also, I don’t think anyone knows where (Y/N) went. I think they think she is just off by herself. I should have guessed she would be off trying to find you.”

“How did this happen?” Carli asked sounding exasperated.

“I have no idea. I was just as shocked as everyone else.” Pinoe said sounding a little defensive.

“This is a literal nightmare.” Carli said sounding more irritated. “They all are aware that we have the biggest game of the tournament tomorrow right…”

“Sorry…” they all jumped when I finally sat up. “I’ll try to plan my emotional breakdown for a more convenient time next time…”

“That’s not what I meant.” Carli said as Pinoe moved closer to me. Tierna was still on the other bed. She gave me soft look as I looked away from her.

“How are you feeling?” Becky asked as Pinoe sat next to me placing a hand on my shoulder. We haven’t always been the closest, but it was giving me a little comfort at the moment.

“Fucked up.” I mumbled as I ran my fingers through my hair. “God, I fucked everything up.”

“No, you didn’t” Pinoe said as I turned towards her. “It’s like 25% your fault.” I frowned at her statement. I didn’t see it that way at all.

“Should I call a team meeting?” Carli asked looking to Becky as my frown deepened.

“I’m not going if you do.”

“Team meetings are mandatory.”

“Fuck that.” I said as they all gave me surprised looks. I was never one to step out of order when it comes to the team. “I have no fucking desire to see anyone else right now and I can promise you that some of them don’t want to see me either.”

“On the contrary, I think Alex is dying to see you right now.” Pinoe said as I scowled.

“Fuck her…” I said as Becky gave me a look.

“Why don’t we just let everyone cool off for a little bit?” Becky said turning towards Carli as the midfielder nodded her head.

“I don’t want the situation to get worse, but maybe everyone needs a little space. Let me know if anything changes.” She said before giving me a nod and exiting the room. I rolled my eyes. I knew it was her way of showing care for all of us, but I was at my wits end with everyone. We sat in silence for a moment before Pinoe spoke up.

“I know you probably don’t want to talk about it…but what exactly did Christen mean?” I bit my lip knowing that I was going to have to tell this story so many times…maybe I could just get Pinoe to tell everyone.

“Exactly what she said…my family kicked me out and none of them speak to me.”

“Why?”

“Because I am gay.” I said turning towards her. She gave me a soft look and then pulled me in for a hug.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” she asked softly as I dropped my head to her shoulder. I tried to fight the urge to cry because it really wasn’t a huge deal at this point. I pulled away as I wiped away the stray tear the escaped my eye.

“I don’t want sympathy or pity or anything like that.” I said as she frowned. “It was just better when everyone didn’t know.”

“Okay maybe at first…I would have, but it doesn’t change anything about you as a person. You’re still you. Your past does not define you.”

“It’s easy to say when it’s not you.” I said which immediately shut her up. She nodded softly.

“Is that not something that goes for everyone though?” Becky asked as I looked up at her. “It’s easy to give words of encouragement to someone when you’re not in their situation. It’s why I don’t say anything at all. Sound familiar.”

“Please don’t quote me to me…” I said with a small smile as she smiled at me.

“That’s why you’re so bad at comforting people?” Pinoe asked as I nodded my head.

“I’m not going to try to pretend to understand someone else’s situation or anything like that because I’ll never be able to.”

“Psychopath.” Tierna mumbled from her bed as I turned with a smile towards the forward. She shook her head, but she was smiling which told me she was joking.

“Can I sleep here tonight?” I asked looking at Becky who frowned and seemed to think about it for a moment. She then nodded her head as I let out a breath of relief.

“Okay. I need to go deal with everyone else.” Pinoe said standing up. “Feel better.”

“Thanks.”

“Any messages you want me to pass on?” she asked as I frowned. Becky scowled at her knowing that probably wasn’t the best thing to say…

“Fuck off?”

“Okay so….that’s a no.” Pinoe said as she exited the room.

“How long do you realistically think you can avoid everyone?” Tierna asked as I shrugged my shoulders.

“Have you eaten?” Becky asked a moment later as I shook my head. “I’m going to go get some food.”

“I can go.” Tierna said as she stood looking between us. “What do you guys want?”

We told her what we wanted before she exited the room. I had no doubt she left so Becky and I could talk. I frowned as Becky sat down at the little desk in the room while staring at me.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” she asked with a stern expression.

“Didn’t Pinoe already tell you?”

“I want to hear your side.” I looked up at that and huffed slightly.

“We were playing soccer tennis downstairs when Christen stormed into the room. She started yelling at me. She found out about me telling the Barcelona reps about the stadium that was up for sale in LA. They purchased it and so the NWSL greenlit them becoming a team. She also found out that I have already signed a contract with them, so I get to go play in LA next year.” Becky sighed as she gave me a disappointed look.

“That’s why you didn’t seem too enthusiastic about renewing your contract with Utah.”

“I’m sorry. I should have talked to you about it.”

“It’s your decision. I’m not going to hate you for that. I think if you were going to talk to someone. It should have been Christen.” She said softly as I nodded.

“I know.”

“So, then what happened?” I bit my lip trying to keep it together long enough to get through the next part.

“We started arguing and then when I asked her about whether or not it was important for me to be with my family. She said “what family? Yours threw you out and don’t speak to you anymore.” Or something like that.”

“You didn’t tell her, did you?” she asked me softly.

“Nope…” I said as I looked down at the ground. “Alex told Kelley who told Christen. So much for your breakthrough.”

“(Y/N)…you couldn’t have known she was going to tell someone…” she said as I shrugged my shoulders.

“She shouldn’t have told anyone…it was the one thing I asked of her…don’t tell anyone and she couldn’t even do that.”

“What are you going to do?” she asked as I frowned

“I have no idea.” I looked up and shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t particularly care at the moment.”

“You do care.” She said rolling her eyes slightly.

“Why should I? They didn’t care enough to not gossip about me.” I shook my head as we both quieted down for a moment. “She’s not wrong though…that’s the part that really hurts.”

“What do you mean?”

“Christen.” I said looking down again. “She’s right. What family do I have? I don’t have anyone.”

“Well, that’s garbage.” Becky scoffed. “Also, full offense taken to that.” I furrowed my eyebrows at her as she shook her head. “IF you really think you’re not a part of my family, then I have failed you.”

“That’s different.”

“How so?” she asked crossing her arms with an angered expression. “Because we aren’t biologically related? Because I haven’t known you for your whole life?”

“It’s just different.”

“Listen to me…and listen good…you are a part of my family. I don’t care what you think. I would not make a fuss over you if I didn’t care about you.” I looked up as she came closer and pulled me up into a hug.

“I’m sorry.” I mumbled into her shoulder.

“It’s okay. I need you to realize that you are so loved. The people who keep you around love you and I personally would be devastated if you weren’t in my life.” I started to cry slightly as I let myself be comforted by her.

We stopped talking about it for a moment which made me feel quite grateful. I could only take so much emotion for the night. Tierna came back not much later after that with food. Though, she wasn’t alone. Mal, Rose, Sam, Sonnett, and Lindsay were with her when she came back.

‘Sorry’ she mouthed to me as I shrugged my shoulders accepting the food from her.

“Is it okay if we sit in here?” They were all looking at me as I gave them a look before turning to Becky who nodded her head.

“Not my room.” I mumbled as Becky gave me a look. ‘Be Nice’ she mouthed to me as I rolled my eyes.

They all sat down and got comfortable as they stayed quiet, but not like a comfortable quiet more like an awkward quiet.

“Just ask your questions…” I groaned as they all looked around at each other.

“So, like what Christen said…” Sonnett started as I rolled my eyes.

“Is true…I got kicked out of my family for being gay. I was 16 and no, I haven’t spoken to them really at all since it happened.” They all nodded as I frowned at Sonnett. “Aren’t you supposed to be with Kelley?”

“She’s with Ash, Ali, and Alyssa. Though, she said something about needing to talk to Alex, I-”

“Actually, you know what…I don’t care.” I said the moment ‘Alex’ came out of her mouth. I wasn’t ready to touch or even think about that mess.

“Where is everyone currently?” Becky asked giving me a glare as I rolled my eyes.

“Kelley is with Krashlyn and Alyssa. Alex is with Allie and Pinoe. Preath, JJ, and Crystal are together in JJ’s room. Abby, Jess, and AD elected to just spend their night in Jess and Abby’s room. Carli has been around, but I am unsure of where exactly she is now and now, we are all here in your room.” Lindsay said as Becky nodded.

“What happened after I left?” I asked a moment later as they all looked at each other before looking at me.

“Well, after we all got over the initial moment of you telling them what you told them…” Sam said as I grimaced. “Alex immediately started yelling at Kelley for telling Christen…Kelley tried to defend herself, but Alex wasn’t really having it. Kelley then turned to start yelling at Christen who immediately told Kelley to shut up. Alex and Christen then both looked like they were going to duke it out before Christen said she wasn’t going to fight over you…she then stormed out of the room. Alex then also stormed out of the room.”

“Poor Kelley” I mumbled sarcastically.

“I think she feels like she is taking all the blame for the situation.” Sonnett said scratching her head. “Like, everyone seems to be really mad at her so…”

“I’m not mad at her. I’m mad at Alex.” I said taking another bite of my food.

“What about Christen?”

I sat for a moment as I really thought about it. Christen wouldn’t be mad at me if I hadn’t done what I did in the first place meaning most of her anger is justified. I looked down as I tried not think about.

“God, she’s never going to forgive me.” I mumbled as they all gave me sad looks. “I did a really bad thing.”

“I mean…yeah, but I feel like you did the exact same thing that she would’ve done in your situation.” Mal said shrugging her shoulders. “You’re just trying to go home.”

That seemed to strike a chord in me as my eyes started to well up. I immediately buried my face in my arm as I let out a little sob. I felt arms wrap around me, but I couldn’t tell you who it was.

‘You’re just trying to go home.’

That was just it though. I was trying to go home. A home with my friends and their family. The only people who had ever really cared about me prior to becoming a professional player. The people who had supported me when I had nothing. When I was nothing.

I have spent so much time away from them though…could I even consider that my home anymore? Was that where I truly belonged? For a time, I thought my home could be at Kansas City. Then, that was ripped away from me and I ended up at the nightmare that was the Flash/Courage. I finally got to a place in Utah where I could’ve probably settled down, but how long before that’s ripped away too? For a hot second, I thought (more liked hoped) my home could be wherever Alex was. Now, that’s been ripped away too. LA is the only place I know won’t get ripped away from me.

“Are you okay?” Rose asked softly as I lifted my head. Tierna surprisingly was the one who had me wrapped in a hug.

“I don’t know.” I admitted as I thought about everything. “It doesn’t matter that I was trying to go home because so was she. It doesn’t take away the fact that I betrayed her.”

“So, what will you do?”

“I have no idea.” I said as I placed the food down. “Can we talk about something else?”

“Yeah, but can I just say…learning this stuff hasn’t changed any of our opinions of you. You’re still the same old (Y/N), but like it’s also made us love you more. I know you probably don’t care, but like…we’ve all spent the last couple years playing with you and getting to know you and with all the time we have recently spent with you…I at least can say that Christen was wrong about you not having a family….You’re part of our family.” Mal said as Becky shot me a smug look. I smiled slightly as I gave Mal a soft look.

“Thanks Mal.” I said as she grinned at me.

“Same goes for me…” Sonnett said nodding her head. “Maybe not in that many words because that was a lot of words, but you’re part of my family too.”

“Yeah.” They all said as I sighed.

“Thanks guys.” I said as I leaned into Tierna who tightened her hold on me.

Eventually, everyone departed as I made myself comfortable in Becky’s bed. She rolled her eyes at me as she climbed in.

“I’m not cuddling with you like some people.” She said as I rolled my eyes.

“I’m so loveable though.”

“If you want to cuddle, then you can go back to your room where you-know-who will probably happily accept you.” She said as I shook my head. “Do you plan on forgiving her?”

“Haven’t thought about it.” I lied as the defender shook her head knowing that I have thought about it. A lot. “Do you think Christen will forgive me?”

“I don’t know. I think she is really mad, but you need to talk to her to find out.” I nodded my head as we both got comfortable before she shut the light out.

I woke up with a groan when Becky shook me awake. I had just fallen into a deep sleep. Apparently, not sleeping next to Alex for the first time in like a month and a half was brutal on me.

“Come on” she said as I groaned trying to wave her off. She slapped me with the pillow as I glared at her. “It’s game day! That usually always gets you excited.”

“I’m having trouble finding the excitement right now.” I said as she nodded her head at me.

“I know.” She stood up off the bed as I glanced over at Tierna who was sitting up in her phone.

“Hey, I have a question…” she asked looking over at me.

“What?”

“How are you going to get ready if you’re avoiding Alex, but all your stuff is in your guys room...?” I frowned at the question as I shrugged.

“I have no idea.” I mumbled as I stood up and stretched out a little. “I guess I have to go back to my room.”

“Yeah you should definitely go back to your room. Good luck.” Becky said as I grabbed my phone and keycard. I took a moment to look at my phone as I nodded at Becky. I had a ton of messages from both Alex and Kelley. Nothing from Christen. Most of Alex’s messages were her pleading with me to talk to her. Telling me that she was sorry, and she just wanted to explain. I sighed as I exited the room. The walk to mine and Alex’s room was quick as I opened the door as quietly as I could and made sure it was silent as it closed.

I noticed the bathroom was empty as I peeked around the corner and saw Alex fast asleep. I came further into the room walking over to my stuff and trying to grab my usual game day items. I frowned when I couldn’t find my warm-up jacket that I would wear during the trip from the hotel to the stadium. One quick glance up told me where it was, Alex was wearing it while also cuddling one of my other sweaters.

I looked down for a moment as my heart became heavy again. I’ve been a little more focused on trying to figure out how to deal with Christen mainly because my mind and my heart aren’t ready to touch the Alex part of this. She betrayed my trust. She took one of my deepest darkest secrets and inadvertently told everyone. It felt impossible to open up to her about that and despite me asking her not to tell anyone, she did. How could I ever trust her to keep another secret for me?

I finished grabbing the rest of my stuff as I watched her begin to move a little. I quickly panicked grabbing my bag and exiting the room. I practically ran back to Becky’s room as Tierna opened the door. She gave me a confused look as I came in with my stuff.

“I think we thought you were going to change and stuff in your own room.”

“I was until Alex started moving. Then, I freaked out and left the room.” I mumbled as I placed my stuff on Becky’s bed. I made sure everything was organized as I placed my usual travel outfit next to the bag. I could do without the warm-up jacket for today.

“I told you to go back to your room” Becky said coming out of the bathroom as I turned towards her.

“I did” I said defensively. “See, I brought all my stuff.”

“Was Alex there?” she asked as I nodded my head.

“She was asleep. She started moving so I booked it out of there…” I said as I started changing in front of Becky. Tierna had already gone into the bathroom. Becky rolled her eyes as I pulled on my outfit for the day. She was used to this stuff, so I wasn’t really worried. Most of my teammates had seen me change before and I really had no shame in my body so…I looked down when my phone vibrated. I was getting a call from my manager.

“Hey” I said as I sat down on the bed.

“Hey (Y/N)!” he sounded pretty pumped up. “I have big news.”

“Lay it on me!”

“Barcelona becoming an official NWSL club is being announced today and as a way to get the fans excited for them. They thought it would be a good idea to announce you as their first signing for the team because you are playing Spain today. Isn’t that great?”

“Yeah…it’s fantastic.” I frowned as I started thinking about how terrible of timing this was.

“Okay I agree. They are going to send you over some artwork that their team made for you to post.”

“Okay got it.” I said as he explained a couple other things to me before hanging up.

“What was that all about?”

“They are announcing Barcelona becoming a club and me being the first signing today. They thought it was cute since we are playing Spain today.”

“Well, that’s not convenient timing.” Tierna said as I nodded my head.

“Not at all.” I mumbled as the three of us left the room. We made our way downstairs to get breakfast and to do a quick team meeting. I wasn’t looking forward to either. I knew this whole thing was going to get more complicated as time went on and the longer that none of us involved spoke. There was nothing we could really do though.

We walked into the room to get our breakfast and I had to try not to have a panic attack on the spot. Christen was sitting with Tobin, JJ, Crystal, Jmac, Alyssa, Abby, and AD. Alex was sitting with Kelley, Ashlyn, Allie, Ali, Pinoe, and Carli. I joined the table of Becky, Tierna, Mal, Sam, Rose, Sonnett, and Lindsay. Kelley and Alex must have made up.

“Are we ready for the game?” Sonnett asked as I shrugged my shoulders.

“I don’t know. So far today feels like a real fucking nightmare.” I commented as I created the post to announce my departure from Utah and my eventual arrival to Barcelona. “Does this sound sincere?”

Becky took my phone and read it over before nodding her head. I took the phone back and edited it to make sure there were no errors before posting it. I continued eating then with some of them commenting on how it didn’t feel real until I posted the announcement that I was going to be a Barcelona player.

“So, are you still going to play with Utah?”

“I’ll play with Utah until the end of the season” I said as they nodded their heads.

“I think Christen saw your announcement.” Sam said as I turned and noticed the forward looking at her phone. Clearly, she was fuming.

“She already knew. Nothing we can do now.” I said as I continued eating. Once we were done, we made our way to the team meeting. I had yet to really acknowledge Alex which was making me feel bad just a little considering…but I was also really mad at her. I still wasn’t sure how I wanted to approach the situation with her.

The team meeting basically was the same as every team meeting. Reminding us of our goals and what we need to remember for ourselves and to play our game. Yeah, except the amount of tension in the room had quadrupled. You could tell something was off. For starters, I was attached to Becky and had yet to really leave her side. Christen was with Tobin which wasn’t unusual, but she looked more angry than usual. Alex was with Kelley and Allie again not unusual except this time she was looking at me every five seconds.

Once the meeting was over, we made our way to the bus that was going to take us to the stadium. I quickly found my seat and started talking to Becky about the game. I made a point to sit by the window so that I didn’t really have to look at anyone else except Becky. Strangely, the younger kids like Mal, Tierna, Rose, Sam, and them had made a point to stay near me. Becky said something about them being worried and trying to make sure that I was comfortable the whole time. It was weird to have them all fussing over me.

When we arrived at the stadium, I got off the bus and was walking with Becky when I felt an arm wrap around me. I jumped slightly but relaxed when I saw JJ. She gave me a small smile before pulling me in a little and kissing my forehead.

“I still love you.” She said as I chuckled slightly

“Good to know.” I said as she grinned at me. We kept walking towards the locker room when we ran into some of the members of the Spanish National Team. Their faces seemed to light up a little when they saw us as they came over.

“Hey” I recognized the faces of Alexia Putellas, Leila Ouahabi  and Mapi Leon. “We were hoping to catch you before the game, so this works out.”

“Hello” I said immediately knowing that all three were looking at me.

“Welcome to Barcelona” Alexia said with a bright smile that got me to match her smile. Mapi rolled her eyes at the midfielder as she held out her hand. I shook it as she gave me a smile.

“We can’t wait to play with you.” I furrowed my eyebrows at them.

“Oh, I’m not playing in Spain.” I said as they chuckled.

“We know. Some of us were given the option of going over and playing on the team in the NWSL. We all said yes.” Leila said laughing slightly. I grinned at the information.

“Hell yeah” I said as Becky and JJ laughed at my reaction. “I’m so excited. Do you know who else is going to come over?”

“Lieke and Stef. All the others said they wanted to stay.”

“Lieke? Like, Lieke Martens?” I said in disbelief as they grinned at me. “Holy shit…”

“Yeah, we should take a picture…I mean if that’s alright.” I nodded my head as the four of us crowded together and snapped a picture. Alexia captioned it ‘Future Teammate Vibes’ and posted it to her Instagram Story. I smiled making a mental note to go and repost it later.

“I’ll see you guys out there.” I said as they nodded. I walked with Becky towards the locker room with a giant grin on my face.

“You seem to be in a better mood” Mal said as I entered the room. I nodded my head.

“That’s probably the best news I’ve received in a while.” I said looking at JJ who shook her head.

“What news?” Tierna asked me as I caught some of the attention of the girls around the room including Christen and Alex.

“Apparently, some of the Barcelona girls in Spain are going to come over and play in the NWSL. Including, Mapi Leon, Alexia Putellas, Lieke Martens and a couple others.”

“That’s dope.”

“I know…”

“You practically fangirled over Lieke Martens…” JJ said with an amused smile

“Yeah…have you seen her play?” I said as they laughed. “Oh my gosh I’m so excited.”

I grinned as I made my way to my locker to start getting ready for warm-ups. I jumped slightly when someone invaded my personal space. I turned to see Kelley with a nervous expression.

“Can I talk to you?” I frowned but nodded as we walked outside the locker room and found an area that was empty. I motioned for her to start speaking knowing we didn’t have much time before we had to be out there.

“First off, I am so sorry. I know technically it’s my fault that Christen knew which led to everyone knowing, but I wanted you to know I feel horrible. Secondly, I know you’re mad at Alex. I think anyone can tell, but it really was an accident. She didn’t mean to tell me.”

“Okay…you wouldn’t have known at all if Alex had not told you. So, while I appreciate the apology for it spreading…not completely your fault. Also, can you explain how it someone accidentally spills a secret like that? Because that’s the part that makes no sense to me.”

“Okay, so we were talking and hanging out right? It was before I figured out at least in my mind why you and Christen refused to admit you were best friends. So, I was talking to Alex about all my theories and I implied that Christen knew more about you than she did. Obviously, you of all people know how easy it is to irritate Alex because she is most definitely the jealous type.” I nodded at the statement because she wasn’t totally wrong.

“Anyway, I kind of started just really being adamant that Christen knew more things about you than she did, and she started getting really frustrated. I should have stopped. I pushed too hard and she ended up talking about your family. She didn’t even tell us the whole story, but it was enough for us to connect the dots. I should have left it alone, but I was curious if Christen knew anything, so I asked her about it…and she connected the dots about everything and then that’s how she found out.”

“What all did she say that you were able to guess?” I asked in confusion.

“She just said that you don’t talk to your family at all and that you haven’t since you were 16…that they didn’t respect who you are as a person…I will admit Allie and I asked a few questions and her refusal to answer gave it away…” I frowned as I really thought about it.

“She still shouldn’t have said anything Kelley. It was one secret that I told her and now everyone knows…”

“Because of Christen though…” she defended as I sighed.

“You told Christen!” I said with an exasperated look on my face as the defender frowned at me. “And Alex told you…”

“I know but…”

“You need to leave it alone now Kelley. I forgive you, but I need you stop talking about it to me until I figure out what I am going to do with the other two. You want details talk to literally anyone else because everyone seems to know at this point.”

She nodded as we headed back into the locker room. There were a few concerned gazes from some of the girls as I changed really quick and headed out to do warm-ups. They seemed to fly by as we were soon in the tunnel. I was in between JJ and Abby as we waited to walk out. I knew Alex was looking at me but, I chose to look across the tunnel at Alexia who grinned at me.

“Good Luck.” I said as she nodded her head. She took a step out of her line and opened her arms as I met her hug.

“You too!” she said as she got back in her line. I looked at JJ who shook her head. I spared a glance at Alex who had a frown on her face. She was looking at Alexia and then turned to look at me. Her eyes softened when they met mine as I turned to start walking out.

This game was going to be an interesting one.

To Be Continued…

[coffee-obsessed-writer]

When You Least Expect It, Part Thirteen

Jensen x Musician!Reader

Masterlist - Contains Chapter Links & Wardrobe Collages

A/N: This is a slow burn fic that I have been working on for a while. Its a story I wrote for myself and just wanted to share with everyone. Yes, the “Dee” in the story is who you think, but there is no intended hate on her or their actual marriage. It is a work of fiction, that is all. Part thirteen has parts from Both POVs. There is also a playlist to go along with the series.

Spotify Playlist:   

Chapter Summary: Y/N arrives in San Diego. Between telling Jensen what happened at FBBC and experiencing life in the spotlight as his new girlfriend, Y/N finds she is more than ready to make some big life changes.

Chaper Warnings: Language, Ragey!Jensen

WC: 8.2K 

Series Beta’d by the beautiful @closetspngirl

The plane bounced along the tarmac at San Diego International Airport and Y/N felt herself be able to breathe again. It had barely been a week since she’d seen Jensen but after the incident with Nathan the night before, and the subsequent questioning by the police, she needed him more than ever. 

She thought of calling him and telling him everything by phone, but the idea left her cold. Jensen had wanted her in San Diego in the first place, and she should have just gone. But the stubborn woman that dwelled inside her couldn’t relent everything quite yet. As soon as she had decided to book a ticket, Detective Perkins arrived along with two marked cruisers and scoured the area searching for Nathan. Perkins arranged to put out an APB on him for the assault and intent to question about the break-in. Y/N told Perkins everything Nathan said but left out the part where he implied a woman’s involvement. She knew what he meant, but was keeping that information for herself for now. 

Hours later, when Y/N was finally back at Jensen’s house and laying in the bed she now shared with him, her overwhelming need to be near him was almost too much. She eventually got up and went to the guest room, laying down with Briana and finally falling asleep as the sun began to rise. Now, merely an hour away from seeing Jensen, she felt relief and the ability to breathe easy again. 

Briana had all the arrangements taken care of, including reaching out to Robbie to secure credentials for Y/N to get into Comic-Con and to where she could surprise Jensen. Bri made him swear on his children that he would keep the secret and help Y/N get to where she was going. Unfamiliar with the chaos that was a convention such as Comic-Con, Bri didn’t want her to navigate those waters alone. 

Early the next afternoon, Y/N disembarked the plane and retrieved her checked bag, then found the driver that Robbie had sent for her. The car brought her directly to the convention center with the promise of dropping her luggage at the hotel where everyone was staying. She made her way to the Will Call booth, already overwhelmed by the enormity of the event but still excited to get a glimpse into Jensen’s world. 

With a quick flash of her identification, she retrieved her All-Access Pass lanyard and drew in a deep breath of the Southern California air. It was just as hot as it was in Texas, but the excitement that swirled in the atmosphere around the convention center made it seem slightly more tolerable. She could feel the people’s elation as she made her way through the crowds, trying to find her way to the conference room where Robbie was waiting for her. 

Jensen exhaled a yawn and rubbed a hand over his tired face. He could easily sleep for a week already, and they were only on day one of three in San Diego. Normally he looked forward to Comic-Con weekends, they were different enough from the regular con circuit that there was a certain level of exhilaration over the unknown of what could happen. This year though, he was tired and a little sad, desperately wishing that Y/N was there with him. 

He just got out of hair and makeup for a second time that day, to do yet another interview; this time it was Entertainment Weekly. They were usually easy going, lots of laughs, not too many hard-hitting questions; but fun conversation and banter about the show. If he was somehow able to work in a plug for the festival, even better. Getting exposure through an outlet like that could easily boost ticket sales enough to make a huge impact in what they are able to give back to the community. 

Shaking off the last bit of sluggishness, Jensen made his way towards the set where the spotlights were pointed directly at the chair where he would sit. Tasha Wilson, one of EW’s representatives that weekend, was already seated and waiting; her wide smile and heavily produced eyes popped with excitement. 

“Jensen!” she exclaimed, darting out a hand to shake his without moving from her seat. “So good to see you! Having fun this weekend?”

“Yeah,” he smiled as pleasantly as he could muster. “I am. It's always a good time here.”

“Anything scoopy you wanna dish before the cameras start rolling?” she asked, her tongue peeking out as she playfully wiggled her eyebrows. “Promise to keep my mouth shut!” She crossed her chest with her fingers and held them up a mock salute. “Scout’s honor!”

It instantly made Jensen smile softly and think of Y/N. God, I wish she were here, he thought, then tried to focus on Tasha instead. 

“Uhhh,” he started, then laughed nervously, “you know I can’t. But I think you’ll be surprised at what’s in store.”

“Okay, fine. I know… can’t say anything,” she waved him off with a flirty laugh. “You ready, gorgeous?”

“Let’s do it,” Jensen said and dug deep down to find that switch he needed to flip just for these moments. Just as the cameras started to roll, and Tasha started to talk, he found his inner professional and turned on the charm.

As she flirted her way through the questions, Jensen tried to maintain his focus, but he felt like something was coming; though he had zero idea of what it could be that was causing it. Not necessarily in a bad way, but there was a sensation he couldn’t explain, building from the depths of his gut and crawling up his spine to his neck. Whatever it was, it made him take his attention away from Tasha and look off towards the fringe of the set, beyond the cameras to where the shadowed figures stood watching the interview. 

“Did you and Jared get a lot of say in how this was going to go?” she asked, unaware that Jensen was no longer paying attention. 

At first, he didn’t understand what he was seeing because it was like he was seeing her in fragments. First her hair, then her smile, and even from the distance he sat, he couldn’t mistake her eyes. His heartbeat faster as he noticed the familiar position of her stance, as her arms were crossed loosely over her chest, a hip hitched out while standing beside Rob. Jensen was rendered speechless by the sight of her. At first, he wasn’t sure if it was her or just a hallucination--the sheer desire to have her there playing with his mind--but then she laughed, and even though the ambient noise and distance, he knew for a fact she was really there. 

“Jensen?” Tasha asked, and then followed his line of sight trying to locate the source of what grabbed his attention. “You alright? Still with me?” she continued when she went back to him.

“Yes. Sorry,” he laughed with a mixture of excitement and discomfort at being so caught off guard by her presence. “I’m, uh… I’m alright, I just saw a familiar face.”

He swallowed hard, and looked back in Y/N’s direction, almost afraid she would be gone, but thankfully she was still there. She was looking his way now, her lips pulled taut into the little smirk he loved so much; the one that made her look like she carried the world’s biggest secret and only wanted to tell him. Jensen’s heart swelled at the sight of her, the ache in his arms building with the need to run over and grab her tightly.

“Oh? An old friend, perhaps?” Tasha turned excitedly in her chair, still trying to discern as to who Jensen was referring too.

“No, no,” he chuckled, the kind that was forced and slightly frustrated. “It seems as though my girlfriend has decided to surprise me here this weekend.” Jensen couldn’t hide the enormous smile that exploded on his face as he nodded in her direction. Calling Y/N his girlfriend for the first time, especially to someone in this very separate world, made him almost giddy. He loved how Tasha’s expression went from excited to crestfallen in less than a second. 

“Your… girlfriend? Ohhh! Well… this is new, I take it? Last I heard you were single and ready to mingle, Mr. Ackles.”

He laughed his fake laugh again. “Yes, it is new. Though we’ve been good friends for a while.”

“And is she someone we know?”

“Probably not yet. But I promise you, you will.” 

“Oh, and why’s that?” Tasha asked with animated curiously, but Jensen took notice that her entire demeanor now changed from the flirtatious behavior earlier in the interview. 

“Y/N is the most incredible singer, songwriter, and musician I’ve ever known. She’s been working on the Hometown Brewfest we’re hosting on Austin, and what she’s managed to put together will blow your mind. I guarantee the second she gets on the stage that weekend, everyone’s gonna know her name.”

“Wow! That’s quite an endorsement! And you’ve been known to sing as well, do you plan on sharing the stage with her that weekend?”

“Hell yes!” he responded enthusiastically. “Honestly, It’s what I am most looking forward to for the whole weekend. To share a stage with her, it’s gonna be awesome.”

Tasha went on to ask a few follow up questions about both the festival and the show, then began to realize that Jensen’s attention was far too divided to get much more out of him. Tasha relented and went into asking her final few questions. The moment the lights cut off, and she put down her mic, Jensen was up, out of his seat and dodging the camera equipment in order to get to his girl.

Jensen thought his heart may beat right out of his chest, like those old Bugs Bunny cartoons. The way she felt in his arms, the sensation of her breath on his neck as she embraced him back, the familiar scent of her shampoo wafting into his nose… all of it was able to drown out all the other noise and people that were around them. He didn’t care how many people were watching them from the corners of their eyes. Nor did he care that he had his face buried into her neck and unable to peel himself from her body. He refused to let go until he filled every one of his senses was lingering with traces of her. Finally, he felt he had held her long enough that he could breathe. When his grip loosened, hers did too, but they didn’t stray far from the other. 

“What are you doing here?” he asked his expression a mix of wonderment, joy, and disbelief. 

“Can’t a girl just miss her guy?” Y/N teased, but Jensen could see there was more behind hiding behind her eyes. 

“Yeah, I mean… are you okay though? You don’t look okay.” He caressed the side of her face with his hand, and lightly brushed her cheek with the pad of his thumb. “What happened?”

Y/N opened her mouth to talk, but looked around quickly and visibly hesitated. “C--Can we… I mean, do you have a few minutes we could go somewhere quiet?”

“For you, I have all the time in the world, come on.”

Jensen took her hand and led her around behind the Entertainment Weekly set and into a small green room that was completely empty. Once inside, Jensen shut the door and turned the lock, not caring about who needed the space. 

Y/N put her arms around his neck again and kissed him softly. “I missed you. A lot.”

“I missed you too, Trix. And not that I don’t love the surprise, but I know you well enough to know that something happ--” Jensen stopped mid-thought, and brushed the hair away from her neck. He thought it strange that she was wearing it down, as it wasn’t her usual style. But as he studied the subtle differences in the tone of her skin was that when he noticed the bruising on her neck. A sudden, intense flash of rage-filled his features. 

“What the fuck happened?” he asked, trying to not scare her with the anger that was rapidly enveloping him. “Y/N…”

“Ok… so, just remember that I am here telling you now. Please don’t get mad I didn’t tell you last night. Can you promise?”

“No! Not when it involves bruises on your neck, I can’t!” he snapped, then saw the way she was looking at him and reeled in his emotions a little. He took a moment, then nodded with a breathy sigh. “I can promise not to get mad at you. The situation, though… something tells me that is a whole other thing entirely.”

“Nathan showed up,” she admitted quickly and quietly, casting her eyes to the floor as if she was ashamed to tell him.

“Nathan showed up at the brewery? When? Did Paolo--”

“Paolo called the cops just like you told him too. He wanted to call you immediately, I asked him not too. So, don’t take anything out on him. He was absolutely amazing last night.”

A slight bit of tension visibly left Jensen’s shoulders as he continued to try and regulate his breath. “What happened?” he asked through gritted teeth.

“I was walking to the truck, and starting to text you back when he just came out of the shadows. He wanted to talk, more like bitch me out, but… I tried to text you while he was rambling, so you could…I don’t know…”

“That was smart.”

“Well, until he saw me doing it, then smacked it out of my hands straight to the ground along with the files I was carrying. So, I don’t have a phone for the moment.”

Jensen rubbed his hand over his face, desperately trying to keep his composure while she continued.

“Then he got angrier and said some things… I said some things that pissed him off even more and then that’s when tried to choke me.”

Her last few words hung in the air like the haze of a humid afternoon. Jensen tried to process what she just revealed without having an explosive reaction, though purely for her sake. Y/N had seen enough anger and violence at Nathan’s hands, and he refused to let her see him in the same way. 

Drawing in a deep breath through his nose, he steadied his hands that were shaking and did his best to unclench them. 

“Did he hurt you? I can see the bruises, but did he--”

“No,” she replied quickly. “He didn’t hurt me. It was over quickly because I kneed him in the balls. It dropped him just as Bri and Paolo were coming out of the back door. Then he got up and took off. Cops came, I talked to Detective Perkins and then Bri took me home. Bri booked a ticket for me, called Robbie to get the credentials, and now here I am. But, there’s something else you gotta know… he admitted to the break-in, Jay. He did it and I think--”

A soft knock at the door interrupting the conversation nearly set Jensen off, but one look in Y/N’s direction and he knew that he couldn’t explode when she was present. He took a few slow, steady steps towards the door and unlocked it. Robbie stood on the other side, an apologetic look on his face. 

“I know, my timing sucks bad. But, it’s time for the panel. I can take Y/N and get her seated upfront, is that cool? You just gotta head over to--” Robbie paused when he noticed how tense Jensen was. “You okay, man?”

“No. I’m not. But, I will be,” he cast a longing, side-eyed glance at Y/N and sighed. “Nathan showed up again.”

“What? When?” Robbie asked, walking in and closing the door behind him. “What the fuck happened?”

“I’ll tell you later,” Y/N replied and went to stand in front of Jensen. She forcibly took his hands into hers and squeezed them. “I didn’t want to tell you here, but I knew you wouldn’t let it go unless I did. I promise I’m fine. There’s an APB out for him, and that’s why I came here as soon as I could.”

“Thank God for that,” he said before running his tongue over his bottom lip anxiously. “I gotta go do the panel. Let Robbie take you to find a seat, and I’ll meet you when it’s done, and we can talk more about this, okay?”

“Okay,” she smiled, though there was a spark of uncertainty in her eyes. Y/N lovingly touched his cheek with her hand before leaving a soft kiss on his lips. 

Y/N went to leave with Robbie, then paused and turned back to Jensen. “Aren’t you coming?”

“I’ll be along in a minute. You guys to ahead and get settled,” he said, and she could tell that he just needed a moment to himself to decompress from what she just told him. She nodded and reluctantly followed Rob from the room.

When they were gone, Jensen felt overheated from the lack of air circulating and the rage that boiled in his gut. He carefully discarded his blazer and neatly hung it over one of the chairs off to the side. He put his hands on his hips, and let his head fall to his chest as he tried to calm the fire that was still raging. He had a job to do, but he couldn’t do his job and be Mr. Personality to the crowd in Hall H when all he wanted to do was find Nathan and rip his head clear off his shoulders. 

Jensen paced the room, and couldn’t help but conjure the image of Nathan actually wrapping his fingers around Y/N’s throat. Then he remembered what she said right before Robbie came in and felt like he was going to explode. He looked up at the ceiling and tried to exhale slowly, but he couldn’t fight it any longer. Grabbing a folding chair that was off to the side, Jensen flung it across the room with guttural roar. He kicked the small coffee table as hard as he could, sending it into the love seat against the far wall, spraying the magazines all over the room. He grabbed another chair and raised it before he whipped it to the ground while suppressing the roar of rage he had growing in his chest. 

When he was finally spent, he stood in the middle of the room and found a steady breath as he surveyed the mess he made. In an effort to be cathartic about the entire situation, he slowly and methodically went around the room and put things back as they were. Luckily, he didn’t break anything beyond repair and made a mental note to contact someone to pay for whatever damage there ended up being. When he finished, he stood in the middle of the room and took one more moment to collect himself. He rested his hands on the back of the chair where he’d hung his blazer, his knuckles turning white from the intensity of his grip.

“I swear to God,” he mumbled to the empty room, his eyes fluttering closed, and his gut clenching at the images that were burning through his mind. “If that sonofabitch ever comes near her again, I will murder him myself.”

With that, Jensen grabbed his blazer and left for the panel.

It was well past ten when they finally returned to the hotel. Robbie had arranged for the staff to leave Y/N’s luggage in Jensen’s room, so all her things were there when they got back. They hadn’t spoken about the incident with Nathan again; not after the panel, and certainly not while they ate dinner with the rest of the cast that were in attendance for the con that weekend. 

Back in the room, Jensen emptied his pockets onto the dresser and kicked off his boots into the closet. He neatly hung his blazer in the closet and then turned to find Y/N just sitting on the edge of the bed. Her eyes were closed, and her head hung to her chest. He thought she looked tired and slightly defeated. 

“You alright?” he asked, slowly walking over, then crouching in front of her, resting a hand on either one of her thighs to steady himself. He picked up her chin with his thumb, lifting her (y/c) eyes to meet his, which were soft and thoughtful. “Talk to me, Trix.”

“I’m sorry,” she rasped, her throat dry and thick with emotion. Y/N hadn’t really allowed herself to cry or feel too much of anything after the confrontation with Nathan. She needed to feel strong and fortified. Now that she was finally in a safe, quiet place with Jensen, she thought she could finally could let herself feel something. 

Jensen could sense that the dam was about to break, and took her hand, bringing it to his lips. “Baby, you have nothing to be sorry for.”

Those words from him were enough to finally break down the last vestige of emotional fortitude that she had. The tears flowed easily then. She withdrew her hand from Jensen’s and covered her face, trying to hide the emotion that spilled over. He got up from the floor and sat beside her on the bed. Drawing her in close, Jensen kissed the top of her head and just let her cry. All he could do was hold her tightly and let her know she wasn’t alone. 

Y/N picked up her head a short time later and wiped as many of the tears away as she could. She got up and went to the bathroom for a cool washcloth to clear her skin of the salty tears that left streaks down her face. 

“We don’t have to talk about it tonight,” Jensen called out from the other room. “It can wait, you know.”

“I know,” Y/N said, emerging from the bathroom. “I think I like that idea, to be honest.” 

“Okay, good. So, tired? Ready for bed? Wanna watch tv? A movie, maybe?” Jensen picked up the remote and was scrutinizing it to locate the power button when Y/N plucked it from his hand and tossed it across the king-sized bed.

“No,” she said, and slowly unbuttoned her shirt, revealing her black lace bra that barely contained the swell of her breasts.  

Jensen sat up straighter, an instant change in his expression lured her closer. She slotted herself between his thighs and delicately ran her fingers through his hair. Being with him so intimately, and knowing how safe she was  When she was right in front of him, he gingerly pushed the blouse open further, wrapping his fingers around her waist and drawing her in even more. He kissed the soft skin on her stomach and hummed contentedly. 

He reached up and gently pushed the garment from her shoulders, letting it fall to the floor, then sat back further on the bed and patted his lap. Y/N smiled impishly and took a moment to remove the rest of her clothes until she was left in nothing but her bra and panties then took him on his invitation and straddled his lap and lacing her fingers behind his neck. 

Jensen buried his face between her breasts and drew in a deep breath of her while his lips pressed into her flesh. His fingers ran roughly up her back to the hooks of her bra. Before he unclasped it, he paused and looked up at her. Y/N was gazing down at him, her expression was delicate and soft. She looked angelic in the dim light of the room, and he couldn’t help but think of how differently things could have gone. 

Once again, he could have lost her. 

“Y/N…” he started softly, bringing one hand up to gently touch her cheek. “I want you to stay with me until the festival. We’ll just stay in Vancouver and if you have to go back to Austin, we’ll do it when I’m not filming. No more of this back and forth, okay? I don’t want to let you out of my sight.”

“Okay,” she whispered, before bending down and engulfing his plump lips with her own. “Whatever you want, Hollywood.”

Contented with her response, he kissed her back with purpose and went back to the task of unhooking her bra then taking her to bed. Later, when they were sweaty and breathless, completely spent from making love, Jensen held her and watched her sleep for a while before drifting off himself. The last thing he thought of before sleep pulled him under, was how he would do anything to protect Y/N, and how one day he’d be giving interviews and calling her his wife.

The next day was spent dashing from one event to another, most times with Jensen having to go on ahead, and Y/N meeting him there. More interviews, autograph signings, promotional shoots, and that was all before lunch. Jensen didn’t want to leave her again but knew he had to fill several last few commitments before he could be completely free of the rigid schedule. He waited until Y/N was busy chatting with Jared, then pulled Robbie aside and spoke in just above a whisper. 

“You don’t let her out of your sight. Okay?”

“Yeah man, I gotcha. Me ‘n her stuck like glue.”

“I doubt he’d come here, but…” Jensen shrugged then looked up to see if she was still otherwise engaged. Thankfully, she was. “Don’t want to take the chance.”

“No, he couldn’t get through security. But… she could,” Rob mused sort of casually, more to himself than Jensen, but when he saw his friend’s expression change, he back-peddled a little. “I just mean… she likes to cause trouble, you know? Not that she has. I don’t think. Other than lunch…”

“She? You mean, Dee? And what lunch are you talking about? What else don’t I know?” Jensen asked harshly, then felt someone tugging on his sleeve. 

“Ready?” the young PA asked that was there to escort him to the next event. 

“Yeah, one sec,” he replied then turned to Rob again. “This conversation isn’t over.”

“I figured,” Robbie sighed and regretted opening his mouth at all. 

Jensen stepped quickly towards Y/N and Jared, giving her a quick kiss goodbye, and grabbing his best friend to be led off to yet another place he didn’t want to be.

Robbie stood close to Y/N and when the guys were out of sight, he turned to her, an apologetic look on his face. “You didn’t tell him everything yet, did you?” 

Y/N seemed surprised, then a veil of nerves clouded her expression. “No, not yet. Why?”

“I may have said something I shouldn’t have,” he shrugged and winced a little. 

She exhaled slowly. “What did you say?”

“I said something about Dee. He seemed surprised her name came up. Bri told me… you know, what Nathan said.”

“Dammit, Bri,” Y/N mumbled and moved out of the crowd that was slowly engulfing them where they stood. When they were a little more removed, she caught Robbie’s intense blue eyes and scrutinized them for a moment. “What did she tell you?”

“You know she’s just looking out for you, right? And really, all she told me was that you said Nathan implied that someone paid him to break in. Is that true?”

“I don’t know. He said something like, ‘even though the dumb bitch was happy’ right before he described snapping my guitar into pieces, and how good it felt to do.”

“Jesus,” Robbie breathed and rubbed his hand over his face and down to his beard. “This is insane.”

“Tell me about it,” she snorted, and he could tell she was beginning to feel on edge. 

“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I hate that any of this is happening to you. Especially just because you and Jensen found some happiness together.”

Y/N felt a rush of warm, enveloping love at the thought of being happy with Jensen. It was a foreign feeling to her, as any of her previous relationships were all bogged down with some sort of strangling weight. There was a brief time when she was far younger, where she thought she was in love; but that was nothing like what she felt now. 

“I would go through this forever if it meant being able to be with him, Robbie.”

Robbie’s face lit up. “You really mean that, don’t you?”

She nodded softly. “So much. But I didn’t want to tell him about Dee, yet. Because he’ll blame himself and that’s the last thing I want. It’s why I left her name out of the police report--”

“Wait. You did? I don’t get why.”

“Because I have no evidence Nathan meant her. He didn’t say her name. But I know it was her. Unless Jensen has some other crazy ex-girlfriend I don’t know about.”

“You’re right, it had to be her. But, I can see why you withheld it. You have to tell him though and tell him about that day at lunch. She overheard us talking about the brewery. Do you think she sent Nathan there? Told him about it?” Rob asked, and leaned back against the wall, dumbfounded at the reality that the answer to his otherwise preposterous question could be yes.

“I don’t know, Robbie. None of this makes sense to me,” Y/N sighed and leaned against the wall next to him. “Honestly, I’m exhausted from thinking about it all. Why don’t you show me around the craziness that is comic con? Maybe get our minds off all this for a hot minute before we--and yeah, you’re doing it with me ‘cause you were at lunch that day--tell him about Dee.”

“Fair enough,” he said, pushing off the wall and sticking out his elbow for her to take. “Come on.”

She linked her arm in his, and Rob escorted her through the con.

 After some navigating, Rob weaved them through various crowds of people, her arm still firmly linked with his. Y/N could hear the build-up of a crowd the closer they got to the end of the corridor and when they finally came out onto a balcony that overlooked a huge open room, she understood why it got so loud. Hundreds of people stood in different autograph lines, all snaking together around round booths that allowed the actors to engage up close and personal with the fans. 

Y/N’s eyes searched the tables and finally spotted Jared laughing and signing something for a guest. Beside him, Jensen was doing the same thing, excitedly talking to a little kid in a Castiel cosplay. They walked along the perimeter, trying to get a closer look and maybe even grab the guys' attention to wave hello. As Y/N and Rob stood there casually watching the floor below, they were approached by several groups of fans, a few independent reporters all proudly flashing their press badges, and at least two different Supernatural cosplay groups. Y/N offered to snap pictures for the groups and even took out her own phone for a few as Robbie posed with each of them in glorious, fanboy fashion. 

Y/N watched, amused, as Robbie lavished in the attention, but was genuinely excited to talk to them about the show, Louden Swain and the Brewfest. He introduced Y/N to the reporters and had hoped she would turn on the charm as she usually did, but he found her to be quieter than normal. Several times he had to help coax her to answer a question or give some details, and by the third or fourth quick pass at an interview, he realized that she just wasn’t ready. After the last staffer from FanFest News had shoved a recorder in their faces to catch a quote, Robbie led her away from the railing and deeper into the belly of the con. 

 Wanting to do something to take away the tension of having a million questions thrown at her, Rob led Y/N down to where the autograph lines twisted through the room and eventually made their way straight up to where Jensen and Jared were conducting their signing. 

“Oh wait,” Y/N said, an impish grin forming on her lips, “Do you have the BrewFest’s IG saved on your phone?”

“Yeah, why?” Rob asked as he automatically retrieved his phone from his pocket. 

“I want to do a quick live stream, but I am sans phone, so… Can I borrow yours?” 

“Oh sure,” he said, and navigated the device to the proper place. “Go for it. That will be fun. Anytime someone can catch either of those two fools off guard, I am all for it.” Rob raised his eyebrows knowingly. 

Y/N shook her head and rolled her eyes. “You boys…” she muttered, trying to quickly get the live stream up and going before they were spotted by Jensen or Jared. She got it recording just as she approached Jensen, and watched through the screen of Rob’s phone as a giant grin unfurled his face. 

“What are you doing down here?” he asked, forcing himself to reign in the utter glee that controlled his expression at the surprise of seeing her there. “I thought you and Rob were mingling. Are you recording this?” His cheeks instantly tinged pink and the giddy smile returned. 

“I am and we thought we’d come over and surprise you,” she giggled and met his eyes over the top of the phone. “this is a Live Stream for the BrewFest followers.”

Jensen leaned his elbows on the counter and looked directly into the phone, giving the lens and intense but soulful gaze. 

“Hello there,” he spoke, purposely lowering the register of his voice. “How are you guys?”

On the screen, hearts, and comments exploded as people joined the stream in rapid fashion. A moment later, Jared leaned into the shot, playfully hiding behind Jensen and waving from over his shoulder. More likes, hearts, comments flew by so fast as the guys gave the viewers a fun moment of banter before Jared continued on to more autographs and Jensen turned his attention away from the camera and back to the woman behind the device.

“We’ll let you get back at it, right Robbie?”

Y/N panned the camera to Rob, catching him off guard, more so than she did Jensen and Jared. He stammered nervously and then pulled his lips taut and replied with a simple, “Yup.” 

Y/N laughed and turned the camera back to Jensen. 

“Say goodbye, Jensen.”

He waved one last time, and his attention was pulled away by fans handing him a picture to sign. Y/N turned off the live stream and waited for him to finish with the young couple. When he was, he slid down towards where she was waiting, leaned over the table to leave a quick, sweet kiss to her cheek. 

“I’ll be done in about an hour. Don’t go for, okay?”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” she replied and watched him go back to do what he did best--winning the hearts of everyone that had the chance to meet him.

Robbie placed an arm over her shoulder and turned her towards the main con floor. “Ready to witness complete pandemonium?”

“Because this isn’t?” she asked with a laugh and motioned to the room around them before handing his phone back to him.

“Oh, this is nothing. Come on,” he said, taking the phone and tucking it deeply in his jeans pocket. 

It was later that night that she got her first real taste of an overly aggressive member of the press who just wouldn’t take no for an answer. After all the interviews and autographs were done, their small group headed out to find a quick and quiet meal before heading back to the hotel. They were due to leave the next morning and everyone was beyond exhausted. 

Jared and Rob were walking ahead, Jensen and Y/N strolling a few steps behind, walking hand in hand just admiring the city. The others who had joined them the night before called it an early bedtime and headed off to their respective hotels for a bit of peace and quiet. As the foursome tried to decide where to eat, a pair of paparazzi came around the corner. Y/N saw their faces light up as they realized just who they were looking at. 

“Jared! Jensen! Over here! Rob!”

They were both calling out names, cameras suddenly up and flashing fiercely. 

“What’s going on guys?” 

“Where you off too?”

They asked at the same time, as they scurried along, clicking the cameras for picture after picture. One of them pulled out their phone looking for something while his companion continued clicking away. 

“Just out for dinner, fellas. It’s been a long day,” Jensen said with a fake smile and a “fuck-off” tone. 

“Stop and talk for a sec, come on guys!” one called out, while the other pocketed his phone again and picked up his camera, pointing it directly at Y/N.

“Hey! Y/F/N L/N! That’s you, right?” he asked, and took a few steps closer, a bit too close for her preference. 

“Just ignore him,” Jensen mumbled and gripped her hand a little tighter. “Come on.”

Their group kept walking a little faster, trying to ignore the badgering call outs and questions but the two men were relentless. 

“Come on, Y/N! Just a picture or two! People want to know who you are!”

Y/N didn’t know what to do. It was one thing while at the con and they were peppering her with questions; but out there on the streets, vulnerable and raw from the last few days, she hadn’t built up the walls she needed to in order to handle what they were throwing at her. She was infinitely glad Jensen was with her and able to shield her from their attention. 

Instead of saying anything, or stopping to allow them a good picture, she politely held up a hand in a brief wave. As their cameras clicked away regardless, she continued walking and ignoring them, until the questions started up. 

“How come you have a restraining order against your ex?!” the one called out, just as the other followed up with something similar and just as irritating. 

“There’s a warrant too… just issued! Was he the one who broke in? Come on, everyone knows about that. What happened?”

“Jensen… Jensen! Did you know about that?!” the first one asked him. 

Y/N immediately felt her body tense and her heart started pounding. 

‘How the HELL did they know all that?’ She wondered, becoming scared by how intrusive everything felt right then, but desperately worked on keeping her eyes forward as her grip tightened on Jensen’s hand.

Jared and Rob stopped walking as the paps kept firing questions at her. They turned to see Jensen do the same, pulling Y/N to a stop. Knowing him well enough, Jared jumped between his best friend and the infuriating men before Jensen could do something stupid, and Robbie made his way towards Y/N. He grabbed her hand and protectively walked with her down the street while Jared and Jensen hung back, acting as a shield they stood there to prevent Rob and Y/N from being followed. When Jensen was sure that Rob had ushered her far enough away, he turned to the men and smiled in a way that made them take pause. 

“Listen here, guys… you want my picture, have at it. I get it, it’s part of the whole gig… but her… she’s not here for that. So just leave her alone, okay? I see one of you point another camera at her again... ask her questions like that again and I promise you, it’s something you will regret.”

“Jay, c’mon,” Jared encouraged, putting his hand on Jensen’s arm. “You don’t wanna do this, not worth the effort.”

Jensen pulled his arm from Jared’s grip. He could feel himself getting angry, and on some level knew that it was entirely due to the current situation. It was all of it--Dee, Nathan, the break-in--and he was ready to find someone to take his frustrations out on. These two unfortunate souls may just be it.

“Jensen!” Jared called out, finally able to grab his attention. “Hey man, let it go. Not the time or place. Let’s go eat. Fuck these guys, let them be dicks… come on.”

Jensen’s jaw was clenched as he stared down the older of the two men. There was thirty seconds of intense silence where even Jensen wasn’t sure what he was going to do. He knew that Jared was right, it wasn’t worth the trouble, but he wanted nothing more than to take out the weeks of frustration out on one of these two men that thought it was okay to start throwing questions at his girl. 

“She’s off-limits. Got it?” Jensen’s expression, coupled with his words were enough to cause the photographer to nod and take a few steps back. “In fact, any pictures of her surface from this, and I’ll know exactly who posted them. You wanna take pictures at the con, or on a red carpet somewhere, go for it. But right now we are off duty. You feel me?”

“Yeah,” the younger of the two said, “whatever you say, Jensen.” He was compliant but Jensen could tell that the man’s tone was still slightly aggressive. 

The two men didn’t waste any time moving on after that, but Jensen stood his ground and made sure they were well out of sight before he turned to head in the direction that Rob and taken Y/N. Before he could go, Jared grabbed his elbow and pulled him back. 

“Whoa buddy, just hold on there. What the hell was all that about?” Jared asked with a curious snort of a laugh. 

“It’s been busy, haven’t had a chance to catch you up on everything…” Jensen sighed and then looked over his shoulder to make sure they were still gone.

“Well, now is a good time. What happened?”

“Not really a great place though. I always feel like they’re lurking. You know?”

“Yeah man, I definitely do. But you gotta tell me what’s going on. C’mon, fill me in on the way.” Jared motioned with his head and started in the direction of the restaurant where Rob and Y/N were hopefully waiting.

By the time they arrived there, Jensen and Jared found Rob and Y/N seated in a far corner booth. Jared was all caught up on why Y/N had come out to San Diego in the first place, and before he slid into Rob’s side of the booth, he sat down next to Y/N and hugged her. 

“Jay told me what happened and I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Just know you got us. All of us. Since you have terrible taste and ended up with this guy,” he motioned over his shoulder towards Jensen, “you’re part of our family now. We got your back, okay?”

Y/N smiled and choked back the emotion that rushed up at Jared’s words; the whole situation hitting her harder than she realized. He moved back out of the seat and to the other side of the booth, while Jensen slid next to her and immediately wrapped an arm across her shoulders. 

“You alright?” he asked quietly, as Jared and Rob began their own quiet conversation. 

“Yeah. I just hate that you have to keep asking me that.”

“Come on, Y/N, none of this is on you. Those parasites, they have teams of people digging for stuff all the time. The minute the press learned your name yesterday, they were on it. I’m just sorry that being with me means your privacy is compromised.”

Y/N nodded slightly and rested her head against him. “It's okay, you’re worth it,” she replied. 

He could tell she was trying to be playfully, lighten the mood a bit. But he could see that the usual spark of levity in her eyes was dulled and tired. The rest of the evening was pleasant and quiet; everyone enjoying a final meal in San Diego together. But all Jensen could think of was getting her back up to Vancouver and settling into a little bit of a normal life, with no drama, no complications and absolutely NO Nathan or even mention of his name. 

Early the next morning, Jensen had arranged to have a private plane take them back to Vancouver, and invited the rest of the cast that was flying back to join them. He claimed to the group it was just easier to go together on one plane, but really it was simply to avoid the waiting paparazzi he knew would be stalking the usual terminals at the airport. He didn’t think after the weekend they had, that she’d be up for that kind of swarm, so he made a few calls and splurged on the private ride to his second home. 

Back in Vancouver, Y/N found her stride quite easily. Jensen spent long days on set, but she found ways of entertaining herself by exploring Vancouver, checking out their cafes, and shops; even stumbling upon the one where Jensen bought her pendant. 

When he was home, they spent a lot of time perfecting the last of the plans for the festival and talking about what songs they wanted to sing together. Jensen helped her write music, and she helped him run lines. They fell into a domesticated bliss that they didn’t see coming, nor did they question it. It all just felt so incredibly right. 

Over the next several weeks, they flew back to Austin twice to work on the BrewFest. By the time August was coming to a close, the festival was approaching quickly and their free time dwindled down to nothing. 

It was the Thursday before Labor Day weekend, and Y/N was sitting out on the balcony of Jensen’s Vancouver apartment. She had papers spread everywhere, trying to load the schedules into the new laptop Jensen had purchased but was getting frustrated by the updated software. 

Y/N groaned loudly and sat back in the chair with a huff. She took off her sunglasses and tossed them across the glass patio table and pinched the bridge of her nose.

“Dammit, Robbie… why you gotta be like this,” she mumbled and then leaned forward again just as Jensen was coming out on the balcony, a glass of cold iced-tea in hand for her. 

“What did the little man do now?” Jensen asked with a raise of his brow. “Bitching about the cloud, still?”

Y/N laughed. “No. He updated this shared software we’re using to track the bands and setlists, and it changed everything around.” She whined and sat back again, her bottom lip protruding at the thought of all the extra work this was going to generate. “Ugh. I don’t wanna…”

“So, don’t,” Jensen shrugged and sat in the empty seat beside her. “You’ve been working non-stop for almost a year on this thing. Take a day off, Trix. Come on. It's a holiday weekend.”

“I know, but I’m just afraid that if I don’t, something will go wrong. I can’t have anything go wrong, Jay. I don’t know what I’m doing…”

“That’s bullshit and you know it.” Jensen repositioned his chair to face her. “You are pulling off something amazing here. I am in awe, every day when you tell me what’s going on. What you’ve already accomplished and what this event is going to be… whatever happens, Brewfest is going to be a massive hit. “

“You really think so?”

“Yes, I do. I know it.” He took her hand and tangled his fingers with hers as he sat, thoughtful for a moment, before speaking again. “Do you remember a while back when we made that deal. I said that I would leave you alone about San Diego, but I reserved the right to whisk you away at any given moment?”

Y/N rolled her eyes and inhaled slowly through her nose. “Mmhmm, what about it.”

“Good, cause I’m cashing in that chip. “I think you should go and pack because we’re going on vacation.”

“Ooookay,” she replied sarcastically and chuckled as she uncoiled her fingers from his to pick up the iced tea glass that was now profusely sweating in the August heat, and quickly spreading its condensation all over the table. 

“You don’t believe me?”

“Come on, vacation? Seriously? When you said that I thought you meant after the festival.”

“Nah, now. We both need it now. Just for a couple days… I have everything arranged. We fly out tonight, fly back on Monday night.”

“When did you arrange all this? And where are we flying to, exactly?”

The one corner of his mouth tugged up into an impish little smirk. “Well Trix, that’s for you to just wait and see. Pack for someplace warm and make sure to bring a bathing suit.”

“Very mysterious…” she said and pouted her lips, narrowing her eyes on him. Slowly she got up from her chair and moved to sit on his lap, Jensen’s large hands instantly gathering her knees and swinging them up to lay across his thighs. “Won’t you give me a little hint?” she asked, batting her eyelashes animatedly.

He methodically shook his head. “Nope Just gotta wait and see. But I promise you,” he paused, tucking a wild strand of hair behind her ear, “you’re gonna love it.”

Everything Tags: @sorenmarie87 // @his-paradox //  @thefaithfulwriter // @sister-winchesters99 // @thymeheals // @yallgotkik

When You Least Expect It: @winchest09 // @jerkbitchidjitassbutt // @aomi-nabi // @luciathewinchestergirl // @alexisxwinchester // @moonxdance // @seppys-return-to-madness // @donnaintx // @deans-baby-momma // @the-is13 // @stoneyggirl // @captaindorit0 // @fanfictionjunkie1112 // @focusonspn // @vickyfarley

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[inspired-by-the-music]

Chapter 4: The Date

Ae-Young’s POV

The sun was shining when Kyuhyun and I ended our call with a promise to meet at the restaurant at noon, so I completely forgot his advice about bringing an umbrella until a dark gray cloud overwhelmed the sky soon after I boarded the bus. I was afraid to drive, and I would go to inconvenient lengths to avoid it. To me, walking half a mile from the bus stop to the restaurant in the rain was preferable to confronting my phobia. 

I only questioned my decision once I stepped in from the rain and felt the cool water dripping from the ends of my hair onto my shoulders. There was just enough time to catch my reflection in a decorative mirror and tie my hair in a bun before Kyuhyun delicately tapped my shoulder.

“Did you forget your umbrella?” He smiled as he dropped his into the container in the corner by the door. 

“I—”

My voice trailed off as all of my efforts went into studying him. He was very much like I remembered. He seemed a little taller, and his hair was wavier, but his smile was untouched by time. 

“Yeah.” I nodded as if rattling my head would clear my mind of distracting thoughts. “Yeah, I forgot. I think I’ve inherited Dad’s spotty memory.”

He laughed— or maybe it was just a breath— before turning to the hostess and saying, “I need a table for two, please.”

She was surprised. Her jaw dropped, but she didn’t say anything. After she led us to the table and Kyuhyun pulled my chair out, I watched her walk away from us, half-believing I misread her body language. She sauntered off toward one of the waitresses, said something to her, and then both of them turned toward us and giggled. 

“What are you looking at?” Kyuhyun tried to follow my gaze. 

My blood boiled. I turned to face him and— surprised that he was looking into my eyes— I dropped my gaze. It crashed somewhere onto my menu, and I pretended to be reading it as I replied, “The hostess is talking about us.”

“Oh.” His voice was even, calm, unbothered, but not uninterested or dismissive. “Well, I guess that’s fair.”

I gawked at him. “How possibly? It’s rude to gossip and giggle about anyone— especially strangers!”

He reasoned, “I’ve shown up to this place alone every workday for six years. I bet they’re wondering how I’ve tricked some poor girl into coming with me.”

If he really believed that, he didn’t seem to be bothered by it. I didn’t like it, though, the fact that he was seemed to think that their laughing at our expense was okay. It bothered me so much that I didn’t think before determinedly meeting his fixed stare and saying, “You would never have to trick me to come to lunch with you. You only have to ask, and I’m here.”

But he had turned his gaze to the menu, I was certain, to escape me as we discussed the hostess. He looked up, at last, to reply, “Thank you, Ae-Young, but I don’t think you should let things like this bother you— especially not for my sake. When we go out together, people may turn their heads and talk, but who cares what they say?”

As the waiter approached to take our order, I tried to resign myself to his thinking. He was strong— self-assured— and I wanted to be like that too. He smiled politely as he spoke to the waiter, genuinely unaffected by others’ opinions. Does that come with age? How long does it take to become like that?

After requesting the chef’s special and a coffee, although it was a little too late for coffee, I told Kyuhyun, “I just don’t understand what should turn their heads in the first place. What gives anyone the right to look at us like that?”

“I’m sure you’re used to people straining to get a look at you,” he joked. Then, more seriously, with a softer voice, he leaned across the table to explain, “I’m not saying that their behavior is right. It’s just— I understand. I’ve been single for a while, and nobody around here is used to seeing me with a woman— especially not somebody so young and pretty.”

Blushing, I almost thought he flattered me to shock me into dropping the subject. “I’m sorry I called you while you were at work. That was the only number I had for you.”

He said, “I don’t mind.” And in almost the same breath, he asked, “Are you bothered by this arranged marriage thing because. . . it’s with me?”

I hadn’t been able to look away from him, so I saw the flicker of vulnerability in the corner of his mouth when he asked. Even if it had been a lie, the sight of that still would have steered me to say, “No. That’s the only part of it I can tolerate.” And we both bristled at how harsh my explanation sounded. 

Maybe if so many memories didn’t come to the surface of my mind when I looked at him, I wouldn’t have minded. As it was, though, my palms moistened and my stomach churned as I tried to express, “I obviously like you. I just don’t think I’d be a very good wife to anyone right now, and you deserve—”

The waiter returned with our food and crashed my train of thought. I didn’t plan to sort through the wreckage until Kyuhyun asked, “Could you please finish what you were saying?”

I might have refused if he hadn’t raised his eyebrows at me so imploringly. “It’s just so sudden. I just got back from school, and I’m trying to launch my career, and Dad started talking about dying and arranged marriages, and he did all of this over family dinner, right in front of Heechul— and you know Heechul, he wouldn’t stop with the stupid interjections—”

“Hey—” Kyuhyun reached for my hand, but he faltered when I flinched from his touch. 

Why did I do that? I’ve always wanted to feel his hand. Why—

“I’m sorr—”

He returned his hand to the right of his plate and shook his head to dismiss my apology. “We don’t have to get married tomorrow or anything,” he said as if nothing had happened. And I guess nothing did happen. “I promised your father that I would marry you, so I fully intend to do that. The reality of the situation is, neither one of us is in a position to deny his wishes. I could risk my job, and you could jeopardize your relationship with him if we call it off.”

I don’t want to call it off. Was I just lonely? Or did I like Kyuhyun more than I remembered? 

When I didn’t respond because I was trying to sort through my feelings, Kyuhyun leaned forward again, waved a hand in my face, and asked, “Was I too stern with you? I’m not trying to be. I’m trying to say that I’ll court you if that’s what you want.”

“You’ll court me?” I wanted to smile at his word choice, but I was too perplexed. “Like, you’ll go on dates with me?”

“Ae-Young,” he laughed my name. “Why are you so surprised? I literally agreed to marry you, so I clearly don’t mind spending time with you.” 

Still fighting the smile, I squirmed as I tried to learn how to explain my thoughts. “That just seems like more than you bargained for— dating me, I mean. I know you agreed to marry me to satisfy Dad, but—”

“I’m going to start interrupting you when you say nonsense,” he decided, and my mouth closed. “You’re right. We’re in this situation because of your father, and I understand that we aren’t in love, but that doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy spending time together.”

He sat back in his chair briefly as he pulled a small notepad and pen out of his jacket. He gently tossed them onto the table and said, “Here, write some stuff you like to do, and I’ll do it with you.”

I glanced down at the notebook and then back at him. “Really?”

“Really,” he nodded.

Taking the pen into my hand and straightening the notebook’s bent pages, I asked, “Anything I like to do?”

He supported his chin with his hand and thought for a minute. I only realized he was teasing me when he said, “Maybe limit yourself to one international trip.” Once I laughed, committing the sight of him winking and holding up one finger to my pool of memories, and I started writing, he whispered, “I want you to be happy, so maybe I’ll find some way to make you happy with me.”

I didn’t trust myself to speak, so I didn’t try to tell him that I was happy with him in that moment, at the beginning of us, so I just drew a smiley face on the list he asked me to write. 

“Um—” He cleared his throat. “Before I forget. . .” By the time I looked up, he had left a small black jewelry box on the table. I could have sworn a blush danced across cheeks and the bridge of his nose as he said, “Of course you don’t have to wear it until you’re ready. . . “

He fell silent when I dropped the pen to open the box containing a diamond ring. I could only meet his eyes briefly before something fluttered in my stomach and forced me to look elsewhere. Still, looking nowhere in particular, I slid the ring onto my finger.

“I—” He started, but his sentence fell apart when he shook his head. “You never do what I expect.”

[juno-but-not-steel]

Cabaret

Fandom: The Magnus Archives

Ship: Lonelyeyes

Word count: 2377

Description: Elias is a singer at a cabaret and Peter comes to see him.

Elias’ POV:

Elias sighed, and took a long drag of his cigarette, breathing out slowly. He closed his eyes, trying to take advantage of this small moment of peace before he was called out on stage. A loud knock came at the door, signaling five minutes before the show began. He opened his eyes and reluctantly stood up, stopping to admire himself in the full length mirror before he made his way to the stage. Elias shrugged on his suit jacket, and undid another button on his white dress shirt. He enjoyed the way that it bared the creamy skin of his chest to the open air, and his patrons, even if it was a bit too cold. He smirked at how his tight dress pants wonderfully expressed his… assets. He was sure he’d do well tonight. He finally looked at his face. His dark brown eyes stared back at him, unsatisfied as he ran a slender hand through his honey blond hair, trying to coax it into some semblance of neatness.

He sighed and gave up, opening his door and stepping out into the backstage of the Cabaret Theater where he sang. He tread lightly as he positioned himself behind the curtain, just in time.

“... and now our signature act, the man you are all here to see tonight, the magnificent Elias Bouchard!”

Peter’s POV:

“... Elias Bouchard!”

Peter shifted in his seat in anticipation, trying his best to look nonchalant. He quickly pulled the sleeves of his shirt up passed his elbows, ran a hand through his long salt and pepper hair, and grabbed his scotch, swirling it as uninterestedly as he could manage. He had heard time and time again, from his good friend Simon Fairchild, that this was the best entertainment in the whole city. He’d made some suggestive comments about how easy the singer was, too. Peter chuckled at that, not believing anyone would be so desperate as to sleep with that old man. Peter had, however, took his suggestion into account. So here he was, a few weeks later, in the front row of L’œil Fermé, awaiting to see the performance of the infamous Elias Bouchard.

He didn’t have to wait long, it seemed, as when he thought that the curtain rose, and revealed a striking young man, who had expertly positioned himself on full display.

Peter’s breath caught involuntarily.

The young man, who must have been Elias, strutted over to the microphone in the center of the stage as music began playing from the pit orchestra. He licked his lips, closed his eyes, and started to sing.

“Raven hair, and ruby lips,

Sparks fly from her fingertips.

Echoed voices in the night,

She’s a restless spirit on and endless flight.”

He began strutting across the stage as he reached the chorus. The blond man was so close that Peter could see the goosebumps that covered his exposed chest, and he shivered in sympathy. Elias seemed to have spotted Peter, and his deep brown eyes locked with Peter’s steely grey ones. Elias winked at Peter, and he felt heat flush all over his body.

When Elias went over to the other side of the stage to teese the other patrons, Peter felt an odd pang of loss, but he quickly dismissed it out of hand. One patron held a twenty dollar bill up to the stage, and Elias dropped to get it, spreading his legs and maintaining eye contact with said patron the whole time. At that, Peter growled in frustration, fumbling to take out his wallet.

Elias bit his lip and winked as he walked back to the side of the stage that Peter was sat on.

“I know you want a lover,

But let me tell you brother,

She’s been sleeping in the Devil’s bed.”

Peter thrust up a hundred dollar bill in front of Elias. The man on the stage’s eyes gleamed with hunger as he saw the amount being offered up.

“And there’s a rumor going round,

Somewhere underground,

I can rock you in the night until your skin turns red.”

As he sang these words, Elias descended slowly, keeping his eyes on Peter’s the entire time. When he finished the line, he allowed for an instrumental break. He took the money in his mouth, teeth grazing Peter’s fingers as he did, and slowly stood back up, watching Peter for a reaction.

Peter shuddered involuntarily, and the rest of the theatre erupted into cheers and wolf whistles, but Peter couldn’t hear any of it. The rest of the song was a blur, and he only came back to his senses when the theater erupted into cheers again and Elias took a bow.

“Thank you, thank you so much!” Elias said into the microphone, placing it back on the stand and turning on a mic pack connected to the back of his pants. “I’m Elias Bouchard, and welcome to L’œil Fermé!” The crowd cheered, and Elias smiled. “That was Witchy Woman by the Eagles! I hope you all enjoyed it! Next up, I’ve got something from Broadway for you all! This show was based on an American movie made in the 80’s, staring Winona Ryder!” Elias paused to let his audience figure out the show he was talking about. “I will be singing Dead Girl Walking from the musical Heathers!”

As the crowd cheered and the music started, Elias shirked his jacket and draped it over the piano on the right side of the stage.

“The demon queen of high school has decreed it,

She says Monday 8am I’ll be deleted!

They’ll hunt me down in study hall,

Stuff and mount me on the wall,

Thirty hours to live, how shall I spend them?”

His tenor voice sang softly. If possible, he moved even more suggestively in this song. Peter shifted in his seat.

Elias got to his knees as he finished the first chorus.

“I’m a dead girl walking...”

He smirked and slowly crawled across the stage towards Peter, singing the whole time.

“Sorry, but I really had to wake you.

See, I’ve decided I must ride you till I break you.

Cause Heather says I gots to go,

You’re my last meal on death row,

So shut your mouth, and lose them tighty whiteys!”

Elias sat on the on the edge of the stage, his legs dangling off. His face was only a foot away from Peter’s.

“Tonight I’m yours, I’m your dead girl walking!”

He stared into Peter’s eyes, bright and intense. But there was something under the overt lust; that now appeared to Peter to be almost... forced? He couldn’t place it, and frowned.

The wrong thing to do, as Elias took that as a signal he wasn’t putting enough effort into his job. He got off the stage and walked swiftly over to Peter, and straddled his lap. Peter was to shocked to do anything but sit there, as the handsome young man came quite close to kissing him, but then quickly drew back. Elias mounted the stage again, and returned to his planned act, which was quite the show. By the end, the young man was panting, face red and hair disheveled.

The audience cheered again as he stood up, smiling. He walked over to the piano, and took a seat.

“I hope you all enjoyed that! I have one more song for you all tonight. You guys probably know this one, it’s by Fleetwood Mac.”

Elias closed his eyes, and started playing the intro to “Landslide”. The music was beautiful, the best that Peter had ever heard. He stared, slightly agape, as Elias began singing the soft, soulful song.

“I took my love, and I took it down.

Climbed a mountain, and I turned around

And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hill,

‘Till the landslide brought me down.

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?”

Peter thought he saw a tear trace it’s way down his cheek as he sang, and was astounded. This man was so different from the one that had been crawling around the stage just moments before. It was obvious from how Elias moved his body and fingers over the keys that this is what he really wanted to be doing. Peter felt a pang of sadness for this man, and decided he would help him if he could. He called over a waiter, and gave him a hundred dollar bill to run and get a bouquet of roses, specifications on a napkin, and put them in Elias’s dressing room. He looked around at the other patrons, only to see that they were having side conversations, or checking their phones. That sent a bolt of rage through Peter, though he couldn’t tell why. He turned his focus back to the young musician lighting up the stage.

“And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills,

Well, the landslide will bring it down.”

He was definitely crying now.

“Oh, the landslide will bring it... down...”

As the last chords of the song rang out, Elias discreetly whipped the tears from his face, and beamed at the audience’s scattered applause, Peter being the loudest.

Elias picked up his coat and retreated backstage, the curtain closing behind him.

Peter finished his scotch, and filled out with the rest of the patrons, intent on having a smoke.

Elias’s POV:

As soon as he was curtain that no one could hear him, Elias collapsed into sobs. He should have known better than to play that stupid song, of course no one had wanted to hear it. People cane to L’œil Fermé to watch him shamelessly strut across the stage with one hand above the table, not to listen to him sing his heart out. He bit down hard on his lip, hoping the pain would stop his pathetic sobs. It did. He straightened up, put on his mask, and walked into his dressing room to get ready to go home.

A bouquet of roses sat on his desk. That wasn’t surprising, many patrons sent him flowers as an attempt to get into his pants. Sometimes he let them, as that would mean they would usually come back and give him more money. He sighed, and figured that the man who had sat in the front row, and no doubt had sent these flowers, was handsome enough. Maybe Elias would actually enjoy himself for once.

As he put on just a tough of makeup, prettying himself up for the encounter he was sure was to come, he noticed something odd about the flowers. Instead of the usual deep red roses that he got, commonly thought to signify passion and desire, this bunch was a mix of soft pink, champagne, and lavenders. All these colours signified admiration and love at first sight. He frowned, confused. What part of his act had evoked this reaction? He finished his makeup, grabbed the flowers, and headed out of his room, determined to find who had bought him these flowers. The sentiment evoked an emotion that he didn’t quite like, one he wasn’t prepared for.

Elias stepped out of the theatre and into the cool night air. He looked to his left, and there was the man from the front row. He leaned against the brick wall, eyes closed, drawing on an old fashioned pipe. He stood almost a foot taller then Elias, salt and pepper hair reaching his shoulders, matching his beard. He wore a navy blue pea coat over his white dress shirt and black slacks. It wasn’t that obvious through the bulky fabric of his clothing, but Elias could tell that the man was well muscled. He had big, rough hands, one curled around his pipe and the other shoved in his pocket.

Elias shook his head to stop his staring, and cleared his throat. The man’s eyes opened and turned to meet Elias’s. They were the same, steely grey that had captured his attention in the theatre. He raised an eyebrow at Elias.

“Why did you send me these?” Elias was clutching the flowers close to his chest, trying to keep out the chill. In his rush to find the person who’d given him the flowers, he had forgotten to close up his shirt.

The man chuckled, a low, rumbling sound that sent a shiver through Elias.

“I liked your act,” he said in a deep baritone.

“Usually people who like my act send me red roses, symbolizing they want to get me in bed. Do you know what these flowers mean?”

The man chuckled again and nodded.

“What part of me eyefucking you and the rest of the people in there gave you the feeling of ‘admiration’ and ‘love at first sight’?”

“Nothing,” the man said. “Your ‘Landslide’ did that for me.”

Elias’s breath caught. “You liked my piano playing?” He failed to hide the smile and hopefulness in his voice.

The man looked down at Elias and smiled. “If I’m being honest, it was the most beautiful music I’d heard in a while.”

Elias’s breath caught as he blushed. “What’s your name?”

“Peter Lukas,” the man smiled.

“So you really don’t want to sleep with me?”

Peter laughed, throwing his head back. “Don’t get me wrong, you are very handsome Elias Bouchard. No one in their right mind would pass up a chance to love you. But I want to get to know the man I saw at the piano, not just the one who jumped off the stage to sit in my lap.”

“Well, Mr. Lukas,” Elias managed, “would you like to go to diner with me?”

Peter chuckled. “I think it’s a bit late for that tonight, Mr. Bouchard.”

Elias blushed, looked away, and cursed himself for his blunder, although he wasn’t so sure why.

“But I’d love to go with you tomorrow night.”

Elias looked up. “Really?” His face stretched wide in a grin that he couldn’t conceal.

Peter nodded. “I’ll pick you up here, 8 o’clock?”

Elias nodded, to shocked to say anything.

“Good,” Peter said. “See you then.”

And then he turned and walked away, leaving Elias clutching the flowers outside his theatre. He smiled giddily as he went back in to pack up his things, thinking only of the following evening.

[thirstyforbishiesimagines]

Hello! I have a request for Lawrence. I would really appreciate if you could write a male insert, where perhaps pre apocalypse Lawrence and Reader are really close friends and they hang out at Lawrence’s house to bake, but his parents are there and get suspicious and judgmental of the situation. I wonder how Lawrence would handle it? How he’d feel? If you’re not comfortable with writing male inserts, I understand. I’m very gay for Lawrence but I can always look somewhere else

Hiii Luna here~

So so so so so so sorry this took so long to release! Thank you so much for being patient with me. I really enjoyed this request and wanted to give it the love and time it needed. It may not be what you’ve been expecting, but I really hope I did it justice! Love lots ❤

Enjoy! 

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Colour - Lawrence POV x M/Reader

* image from LucyDreams, Dangerous Fellows

Word Count: 4,192

Angst / Fluff

Warning: Minor Profanity

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Dull. The world has gone dull without you.

Leaning my side against the wall, I stare out the window into the grey, overcast sky. My view consisted of the same sight day after day, night after night, filled with the dead roaming the streets – not a living creature in sight. No birds, no people. Nothing.

Not even you…

I sigh as (Y/N)’s bright smile replays in my mind. I then look out to the monsters wandering aimlessly around the school gates.

Are you alive? Are you safe? Are you… one of them?

I shake my head – erasing the thoughts from my mind. I turn to lean my back against the wall, slowly sliding down to rest on the floor. Knees toward my chest, I sprawl my arms out over my limbs and rest the side of my face upon them.

My fingers move toward my mouth, hovering over it as if trying to revive the memory of our lips just inches apart… before he disappeared from my life. Leaving me alone – full of nothing but regret.

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Growing up, I never had many friends. It wasn’t as if I didn’t have the ability to make friends, I simply believed that they wouldn’t bring any positive impact into my life. I saw the concept of ‘friends’ as a complete waste of time, as well as an annoyingly tenacious distraction to my studies.

Well… that was, until I met (Y/N).

In the early stages of my childhood, I found his presence to be quite bothersome as he would persistently glue himself to my side despite my attempts in shutting him out. Everyday he would pester me to have lunch together as I often sought solace in eating alone. However, I slowly gave in and eventually grew to appreciate his company.

(Y/N) wasn’t like the others. There was something about him that just drew me in so naturally. He had no front; he hid no truth and he accepted all. He was just himself. He changed my view on a lot of the things I believed was important at the time and made my life brighter in the process – vibrant. The world always felt like it was bursting with life whenever he was around.

There wasn’t a day that we did not see each other. He’d proudly declare himself as my best friend to the other kids, and over time I came to warm up to the title. After receiving reluctant approval from my parents and promising to keep my grades high, he’d visit my house often and we became inseparable ever since.

Then over the years, things began to change… I, began to change.

Our friendship was as typical as any other, as it always has been. We’d walk to school together, have class, share lunches and then we’d walk back to my house to hang out some more – as if the whole day wasn’t enough. I believed this was normal… as normal as any other friendship could be.

However, I was wrong.

I began to notice the hesitation and reluctance paining my chest as I watch him leave, despite knowing I’d see him tomorrow once more. I didn’t know what it meant before; but I did know that when he wasn’t by my side, I couldn’t help but feel… empty. I didn’t need “friends”… but I needed him.

I still do.

I just wish I knew that sooner.

I bury my face into my knees, frustrated and regretful of the last time I saw him; reminiscing to the last remaining days before my life became dark – monotonous. The day he walked away from my foolish indecisiveness.

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“Lawrence… It’s been two damn hours already. Can we go now?” (Y/N) whines as he paces around my room – completely overcome by boredom.

I shrug half-heartedly, fully immersed in my favourite book as my eyes stay glued to the pages I had read so many times before. Purposefully ignoring (Y/N), I flip the page lazily and slowly lift the book higher to hide the smile creeping up on my lips. He was adorably naïve sometimes and all too trusting of me, that I couldn’t help but play around with him when I could. I wait patiently, knowing all too well on how he’d react to my harmless games.

Flopping onto my bed, he sprawls out restlessly – grabbing his phone in the process. “It’s already 9… I know you said that they closed late but-”

He pauses slightly as I hear him typing away on his phone.

3… 2… 1…

“THEY’RE NOT EVEN OPEN TODAY!”

Something soft, yet powerful, whacks into my hands and causes my book to slam into my face.

Ouch.

I rub my nose as I laugh at his expected outburst, somewhat impressed at how he was able to utilise a mere pillow to become quite the effective weapon.

Narrowing his eyes, he stares daggers straight into mine – a look of suspicion evident on his handsome features. “You knew… didn’t you?”

“…Maybe.”

Another pillow comes flying towards me, however this time I’m able to block the sudden attack before nonchalantly shifting my attention back to my book.

“Dammit Lawrence! Why didn’t you say anything if they weren’t open?!”

Waving my book in the air indifferently, the answer seemingly obvious; I simply reply, “Reading.”

Predictably, two more pillows come flying towards me once more. Leaning forwards, then back; I dodge them both effortlessly without ever breaking my focus away from my book.

“ARGHH!” (Y/N) exclaims in frustration. I hear his body fall against my sheets, followed by sighs and angry mumbles.

“I really wanted to try that new cake too.” He grumbles, only barely decipherable enough for me to understand.

I chuckle to myself quietly as I finally close my book. Ultimately satisfied with his reaction, I give in and decide to conclude this little charade – putting an end to his torment… for today at least.

Walking over towards his sulking frame, I hold out my hand towards him. Taking a quick glance at my attempt for peace, he ignores my gesture and instead, buries himself under the covers while turning away from me.

Note to self. Never get in the way of his love for sweets.

“I’m sorry. We’ll go next time… promise.”

“Whatever.” His voice muffled against the sheets.

“How about we bake something instead for now?”

He pauses for a while before responding, “…Cake?”

“Sure.” I agree hurriedly, now somewhat desperate to fix the mess I’ve made.

“Fine, you’re forgiven… For now.” Coming out from under the covers with the most mischievous smirk I’d ever seen plastered on his face, he finally grabs my outreached hand and it was at this moment that I realised… I’d been played at my own game.

Swiftly pulling him up and out of the bed, I couldn’t help but smile as I shake my head in defeat. “Touché.”

“Had to get you back somehow.” Proud to have turned the tables on me, he quickly strides off towards the kitchen – eager to start baking.

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After many shattered eggshells and spilt milk, we were finally able to create something worthy of passing as cake batter. I wipe the sweat forming above my brows as I slip the now filled cake tin into the oven, happy to finally rest after constant controlling and cleaning from the unexpected tornado that had enthusiastically entered my kitchen. Although, I had to admit… he passes as a pretty cute tornado.

Leaning back against the countertops, my gaze falls upon (Y/N)’s eager yet focused expression as he begins pouring bags of icing sugar into a large bowl. I watch in shock as the mound of sugar grows higher than the bowl itself and before I could process the image in front of me, he switches on the hand mixer; causing a huge cloud of icing sugar to dust every surface of the room… including us. Without a word, he switches off the machine; pausing for a moment as he takes in the scene before shooting me a look of pure panic and guilt.

“Pfft-” Clamping my hand over my mouth in a failed attempt to suppress my amusement, I begin bursting with laughter at his reaction. He follows suit, cracking up at the ridiculous scene before us. Wetting a towel, I walk over to his sugar-dusted form as he wipes away at the tears that had emerged within the corners of his mesmerising (e/c) eyes, our laughter finally subsiding.

I slide my hand up to the side of his face, holding it in place as I begin to wipe away the icing sugar clinging to his skin. I gently move the cloth over his cheeks, revealing a subtle blush hidden underneath the layer of powder.

Cute…

I pause – conflicted between the curiosity to pursue the unfamiliar throbbing within my chest and the fear of straying further and further away from the path my parents have laid out for me.

Ah, stop. You’re heading into some dangerous territory there, Lawrence. (Y/N)’s your best friend. That’s it, and that’s all he’ll ever be.

I’ve worked so hard to get to where I am. I’m so close… so close to securing a place within a prestigious university. So close to making them proud.

“Lawrence?” Confused, (Y/N)’s brow raises – questioning my prolonged silence.

I lower my hand, realising I had kept the towel placed against his cheek for much longer than he must have anticipated.

“LAWRENCE!”

My heart drops. Chills running down my spine, recognising the familiar stern tone of my mother.

My father stood beside her – brows furrowed and silent. His unsettling gaze wandering to the fabric within my grasp and our fairly intimate proximity. Feeling uncomfortable under his disapproving stare, I subconsciously step back; creating distance between us.

My mother steps forward, her tone of voice screaming with authority despite her hushed volume, “Clean this up at once!”

Before I could respond, (Y/N) frantically tries to remedy the situation. “Sorry! The mess was my fau-”

She shifts her focus to him, her aura threatening with malice; causing (Y/N) to fall silent.

“Lawrence?”

“Yes, Mother.”

Her attention shifting back to me, she glares down – warning. She then takes a quick glance back at (Y/N), her gaze critical and judgemental before walking away without another word. My palms begin to sweat under the intense and chilling stare of my father, aware of the anger and disappointment lying underneath his piercing scowl. He exits soon after, but not before leaving me at a loss for words with the knowledge that I had let him down once more. I was always made to feel ashamed whenever I would have the chance to indulge in anything ‘fun’. My head drops, sighing heavily in both annoyance and frustration at their overbearing presence. Suddenly, a calming warmth envelops the top of my hand. I look up, locking eyes with (Y/N); his face only inches from mine and full of concern – prompting my racing heart and causing me to flinch away from his closeness.

Fuck.

I turn back, ready to apologise. However, as if nothing even happened; (Y/N) had already begun tidying up the chaos. I rub the back of my head uncomfortably, unsure of whether to explain myself or leave things be; causing an awkward silence to fall upon us.

The kitchen now spotless, the cake complete. We sink into the couch – exhausted.

“It’s late, I should probably go now.” Collecting his things, (Y/N) rises from the couch; ready to leave.

“Wait!” Panicked, I impulsively grab his arm. “Um… what about the cake?”

(Y/N) contemplates for a while before answering, “Same time tomorrow?” He flashes me a smile, but his eyes gave him away.

He’s hurt. I’m the worst…

I simply nod.

Loosening my grasp on him, I allow my hand to fall from his arm – my chest tight with uncertainty as I watch him head towards the door.

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Waiting by the entrance, I fiddle around with my wristwatch; constantly checking the time as I anxiously wait for (Y/N) to arrive.

…Would he even come after what happened last night?

Bzzt. Bzzt. My head snaps towards the door.

“Hey! It’s me!” I hear from the other end.

Quickly opening the door, I’m greeted by a bright and cheery smile. His typical energetic self, stepping through the entryway. At first glance, you would have never been able to tell that anything had happened the night prior. Seeing that it didn’t seem to bother him any longer, I decide to drop the subject – my anxiety dissipating.

He seems fine… right?

The day carried on as if it were any other normal day.

Grabbing last night’s cake, we hide away in my room to secretly play the video games (Y/N) would smuggle in – a usual occurrence while my parents were still away at work. As a reward of my triumphant winning streak, and as a way to cheer up his adorable pouting expression; I suggest taking a little break to finally indulge in the sweet aroma wafting off from the dessert. I didn’t need to say “cake” twice, (Y/N) appeared by my side in seconds and had already begun scooping spoonful after spoonful of the delicacy into his mouth. Crossed legged, elbow upon my knee and resting my chin within my palm, I smile warmly – yesterday’s events now worth the trouble, as it’s allowed me to witness the genuine happiness on his face.

What a mess.

I chuckle lightly as (Y/N) cluelessly smears frosting in the corner of his mouth. As if my body had a mind of its own, I reach out towards him. My actions paralysing him as my thumb gently caresses his lips, wiping away the sweetness and causing heat to rush upon the surface of his cheeks; his gorgeous eyes now sultry – enticing. I find myself captivated, mesmerised and completely under his spell. My hand slides to the back of his neck, bringing him closer. I couldn’t help but allow my gaze to linger on his supple lips as I fantasise about running my fingers through his charmingly dishevelled (h/c) hair. Slowly leaning in – our breaths softly caressing each other’s skin, I anticipate the taste of him; the softness of his lips against mine. Just before our lips were to meet, (Y/N)’s alluring whisper stops me in my tracks.

“I love you, Lawrence.”

I freeze – my mind racing a million miles an hour as I try to process those three simple words. I was conflicted once more. I wanted to give in to my desires. No longer was I denying the obvious affections that I have for him… but with acceptance, came fear. I was scared… scared to ruin the relationship we had built over the years.

My heart yearned to lose all reason and crash his lips upon mine – to confess my requited, undying love for him. But that fear consumes me, it screams at me to retreat from the uncertainty this pathway would take me. I bury my heart away, deciding to abandon my happiness to keep hold of what we already have.

I know what I’m doing is stupid and selfish… But I can’t lose him. He’s the only good in my life that I have. I’m sorry… (Y/N).

BANG.

The door slams open.

“WE NEED TO LEAV-” The sudden words fell short, followed by a loud gasp at the image of us.

I turn to see my mother standing in the doorway, her mouth agape – blood draining from my face. Without thinking, I push (Y/N) away from me. His expression clear with hurt and rejection, instantly causing me to regret my actions.

No… What have I done?

Eyes now glassy, he rushes to leave; turning back to look at me one last time – his face full of grief and disappointment before striding past my mother and out of the room. I quickly rise to my feet, ready to run after him; however, I’m stopped by a firm grip around my arm.

“Don’t you dare go after him! We will NOT have whatever this is, slow us down!”

I hang my head low, trying to control the anger threatening to take over. “Let go of me.” My voice full of irritation and malice. My mother pauses for a moment, shaken by my words and tone of voice – never once having rebelled against her demands.

“You… All you ever do is disappoint us. Your father will be furious when he hears about this! Now go pack your things! We need to leave… NOW!”

“I don’t care! I’m not your puppet. You don’t control me anymore…”

If I was going to risk losing him either way, I’d rather give up everything that I’ve worked for than to let him go.

I pull my arm out of her grasp, racing through the door with every intention to hold him in my arms and repeatedly smother him with my overwhelming feelings.

“LAWRENCE, WAIT!” I ignore my mother’s panicked cry and continue down the stairs as fast as my legs could muster.

Finally reaching the entrance of my house, I swing the front door open; expecting to see (Y/N)’s retreating form in the distance.

If only.

Instead, my view was greeted with the sight of the world ending. Person upon person – multiple blood curdling screams coming from all possible directions. I wasn’t sure how long I stood frozen in place as I watched the world turn to chaos. All I remember was how my hysteric mother pulled me away from the scene and back into the house, slamming the door shut.

That… was the last time I saw (Y/N), leaving my world to fade to grey.

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“ARGHHH!”

My voice echoes through the empty silence. My fingers coming up to painfully grip the sides of my hair as I cry out against my knees with regret. I hurriedly wipe my face with the back of my sleeve. Rejecting the warm tears that had formed upon the surface of my eyes, the satisfaction of falling. Refusing to allow myself to show weakness, after months of hard work in burying my bothersome emotions.

You’re a leader now. You’re in control. You don’t need something as illogical as ‘love’…

You don’t deserve it.

My hands fall from my hair, the roots of my disarrayed tresses stinging with pain as I slam my head back against the wall behind me – unable to convince myself with the voice of my inner demons.

I don’t deserve it… but please… just let me know that he’s safe.

“QUICK! GET IN!” Zion’s sudden distant voice interrupts my thoughts. I quickly stand to peer out the window, seeing Zion and Ethan pulling the gate closed as Eugene and Harry rush through… followed by another. I raise an eyebrow, somewhat peeved at the allowance of a new arrival to enter our sanctuary without my permission. I watch as this stranger takes a moment to catch his breath before raising his head to have a better look at the school building before him. It was then that I realised, that this new arrival was far from being a stranger.

Do my eyes deceive me?

Not a moment to waste, I take off into a run. Racing through the corridors and down the multiple flights of stairs; finally arriving at the door separating me from the outside world. I reach out, my hand hesitating above the door knob. Bracing myself for a second heartbreak as I deny the possibility of his presence within mine. I’ve been convincing myself all this time that he was gone… for good. Patience running thin, I threw the door open. After jumping from the abrupt and startling loud bang, everyone turns back to look at me; confusion and shock on their faces.

“Jesus, Lawrence! A warning would be nice!” Zion grumbles, his words going over my head.

Looking around, I finally spot him.

Am I seeing things? There’s no way… I must be hallucinating.

“Lawrence…” He whispers under his breath, his tone of voice in disbelief as his body stays frozen in place with shock.

I’m not crazy… That’s (Y/N)’s voice. I’d recognise it anywhere. It’s him. He’s alive…

Without a second thought, I sprint; faster than I’ve ever sprinted in my life. Wrapping my arms around him, I hold him tight. Afraid to let go, afraid to lose him once more.

My ears pick up the hushed whispers of the others as their voices fade away from the distance.

“Let’s leave them be for now…” Harry suggests.

“Huh? Why? Hey! Why are you dragging me dipshit?! Let go!” Eugene’s voice resonates, followed by an audibly painful thump before Zion yells back in agony and annoyance. “OW! Can’t you read the mood?!”

“Come on, you too Ethan.” Harry whispers once more.

Ignoring the commotion – I couldn’t care less to explain, all I needed was to feel (Y/N) within my embrace. To comfort myself in his familiar scent, something I never realised I had missed dearly until this moment. My defences crumbled completely in his returning presence, instantly reverting me back to the true character I was. This imperfect, weak, damaged being. A version of myself that I could never quite hide from him, despite doing so with everyone else.

Yet he accepted and loved me all the same.

I’m such a fool. I didn’t deserve your pure, selfless feelings.

I still don’t.

“Lawrence?”

Oh, how I could drown in that voice.

I didn’t know how to respond. It all seemed too good to be true. All I could manage to do was squeeze him tighter, using my hand to lock his head upon my shoulder – keeping him in place, afraid that he would refuse me and discard the feelings I had been hiding away for so long. My prior fears now replaced with the horror of my impending turn of rejection.

Stop. That doesn’t matter right now. He’s alive, that’s more than I could ever ask for.

I close my eyes, taking in the moment; anxious it’d get ripped away from me at any second. It was then that I felt his warm, soothing arms envelop me – embracing me in return.

My eyes begin to well up with tears. To still be able to receive such affection and acceptance after all this time broke my heart, yet healed it back together at the same time.

To think I hurt such a wholesome, honest being…

I breathe in deep, his response encouraging my resolve – no longer wanting to risk the chance of suffering regret once more. Loosening my hold on him, I meet (Y/N)’s questioning gaze while continuing to keep his form within my arms.

“I… love you (Y/N). I’ve wanted to tell you as soon as you left but…” (Y/N)’s eyes go wide, startled by my sudden confession. “I just wanted you to know… There was never a moment that I doubted my feelings for you. I’m sorry I couldn’t say so when I had the chance.” My head drops, ready for rejection. “I… understand if you no longer feel the same.”

I keep my eyes closed, afraid the tears I’ve kept at bay would fall as soon as I saw his face. It was quiet… My heart sinks – believing rejection was the only suitable thing that could follow this silence.

A single tear falls along my cheek, betraying me and showcasing my vulnerability. I feel (Y/N)’s warm hand cup the side of my face as he wipes away the droplet, raising my head in the process before being met with a soft, warm pressure upon my lips. My eyes shoot open, cheeks burning with heat as my heart begins to reverberate against my chest. As his warmth leaves my skin, the feeling of emptiness took place and I knew I needed to feel him against me once more.

“I love you too, Lawrence. I always have… and I never stopped loving you, not even for a second.”

To think, a single statement could change my world in an instant. His words, breaking me free of the confinements of my own chains. My surroundings now suddenly bright and vibrant with life – full of colour as it once was.

Overwhelmed with emotion, I crash my lips upon his. I couldn’t help but flood him with the longing and regret that consumed me during the months he was gone. Trying to make up for lost time within a single kiss. My movements grew so passionate, he began pleading for me to wait; to slow down. Reluctantly, I pull away. The both of us panting – breathless. He grabs both sides of my face and leans his forehead against mine, closing his eyes as he catches his breath.

“I’m not going anywhere; we have all the time in the world now.”

“I know, and I intend to use that time wisely.”

(Y/N) shakes his head at me as he chuckles softly, the sound – almost a sin in itself. Grabbing the back of his neck, I lean in once more; kissing him gently this time. We stayed like this until the sun went down. My heart at ease, knowing he’d still be by my side ‘til the morning, and every other day after that.

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x mod luna