#I LOVE Choco. I just hate devshits desicion with his character. Curse of gacha that “needs” to pump out characters every month

[tqmlecherocuki]

Talking about ourselves instead of someone else.

Hah... it was ridiculous that he was feeling this way, he knew that their relationship... their friendship wouldn't end right, both having polar opposite opinions of a person held so personally and stubbornly.

He knew, he always did.

Yet... his heart still felt the sting.

CW: Milk has a meltdown, lot of self-hatred, downplaying of ones feelings AND trauma, paranoia, concerning proposals made out of desperation, irresponsible portrayal of a response to a meltdown, some misunderstandings, Milk cannot fathom to be okay with himself hurting someone he loves. equivalent to an erratic roller coaster ride, sorry. THERE IS COMFORT.

also somewhat confusive pov, mostly from yam? but idk. switches around, like my gende

Notes: Milk and Yam are both autistic. Milk used to be a very hyperactive child. Future milkyam, not in the present of this fic cuz' GOD they're both too unstable to be together like that. They’ll get better together though! :D (uh, warning to milkyam fans that hate Choco, I like them and put them in the milkyam to make darkmilkyam… not in this fic, but in general, so, uh, sorry…? but, not really.) ((They are both trans masc, this detail is important to me. MILK IS FAT, too. Also very important detail to me, thank you.))

Figures, right? After countless days and nights spent together, many scenes of them being back to back, being a good team and relying on each other, infinite circumstances of the aftermath of a battle... the gentle scolding coming from the other or himself for getting hurt, which they were both aware that it was from a place of concern rather than mockery. After all of that, it was only natural the two had grown close, at least Yam thought they did...

Now that he was somewhat listening to the blonde going on about his usual spiel about his knight he came to the realization:

He knew barely nothing about the person he has been traveling with for years...

His stomach sank, how could he be so careless? ...then again, everything going on with the dragons and daily enemies, and the fact his adventure partner had quite a lot to say about everything... he'd guess he just fooled himself into believing he knew almost everything about his supposed best friend. He had now realized that the man was... so secretive, using that prince to cover up anything and everything that was actually about himself and not the repeated story about his precious savior.

Something inside him snapped. In a terrifying way, he felt himself getting upset... again, that seems like the only consistent thing about himself now, did it?

"Oh, Yam is upset AGAIN... UGH! What a nuisance that man is! Can't he just stop moping and scowling and BE HAPPY? After all! He just cannot stop yelling about how utterly hurt he is, if it were up to ME? I'd have moved on AGES ago! What is wrong with him??"

He knew that everyone that had bothered to stick around thought about him that way, they just did, of course they'd think that. One glance was all it took to know. Everyone knew.

Oh great, the realization of not knowing his best friend AT ALL and all the people he knew in his head berating him, no, it is not imaginary, he knew this for sure, is just the mix he needed now, great job!

That shameful heat, the quickening of his breath and the knowledge that tears would be coming soon was too much. He needed to let Milk know about their problem with their relationship, since apparently, he's the only one that noticed.

"MILK!" he called out. The man stopped with his chatter, now really focusing on him and how he was - no, not the point.

"... It has been YEARS..." He paused, god-damn it, not the time for his voice to waver, he gulped and resumed "yet, I don't know ANYTHING ABOUT YOU!! It is ALL Dark Choco! That is ALL you talk about! And it's like you DON'T EVEN NOTICE about m-- And BEFORE you start...!" Milk did not seem phased by his volume by now, "I... I know how much they mean to you, I DO, just..." crap, he was losing steam. "A-after a while... I thought that I did know you... but, I really don't. Now- I know that I'm not good at- I'm not good at- It's hard to talk about myself, too... but, I did open up to you about what happened to me. I just..." focusing on Milk now, he looked pensive, his mouth slightly open. "Y-You know what?! NEVERMIND, j-just forge- "

"No, you're right." his tone soft, almost sounding like he was now just discovering this himself, "I... It..." he sighed in frustration, looking for words, Yam now regretted this whole thing, of course, angry people often say things they don't mean, Milk knew that, maybe he won't take this personally, hopefully he won't take this personally - or perhaps a little, Yam still felt hurt.

"Yes... I have not... been fair to you. I don't even know why you bothered to stick even after knowing our opinions about Dark Choco-nim... you did, I owe you this." oh god.

"No - god - that's NOT going to make me feel better, I assure you. You think I wanna pry things out of you?? Well! N-NO. You don't... owe me anything..."

"... I... I at least owe you an explanation...? Now, I'm just - I'm... new to this... talking about myself topic, I suppose? You could probably tell, haha..." his eyes glued to the grass and everywhere else that is not the man in front of him "Ahem, you see, when I was a child - no - do not give me that look, I wasn't THAT young when I met - anyway... I wasn't very good at having friends..." he paused to glance at Yam, he gently gasped at the surprised look, and laughed softly "I... did you...? Really? Gosh, you know what it's like to listen to a topic over and over again with little change, and... just you know, it used to be worse, SO much worse! Hah - you think 47 times is a lot? Well, that was BABY numbers for - well - baby me? Hah... I swear you would've hated me if we had met back then." he chuckled sadly...

Now that he was thinking about it, that outcome might've been very possible... Yam didn't like that.

Milk seemed to hesitate at first with his words, but, he went for it, as he closed his eyes cheerfully "Not to worry though! Rigorous training and burning cold made sure that the number I speak about things caps out at 47! Haha!!" ... opening his eyes again, immediately regretting everything because now Yam's face - Milk thought at this moment of mild panic that some self-deprecation could... lighten things somehow?? - yet the result was only concern.

"Uh - Never mind, I..." he grimaced before continuing, "Let's just say... that things at my village were not very pleasing and... I'd just rather forget some things, you know?" Yam did not think the conversation was going in this direction... oh well, despite… Awkwardness and guilt, at least he was beginning to know some things about Milk...

Holding back a chuckle, Yam replied, "That... You, of all people, told me to speak about my troubles, yet... you? Well, you're not following your own advice." irony seeped out of his voice, hopefully that wasn't too condescending.

Luckily, Milk smiled, seeming more calm now, "Well, it is easy to care for others... but, oneself? The one you live with every waking hour - every detestable, silly thoughts - You know your own truths and... well, I'm not sure if you'd understand, I'd rather you not, honestly, because disliking oneself and having... reasons to keep disliking constantly... is not something I wish upon anyone." that calmness was now threatening to fly away as Milk's face was now full of regret and... fear?

Yam nodded, trying to keep some concerning realities and Milk's mutterings at bay now, "Actually... I do understand."

Milk just nodded slowly, as they both let silence take over, stars twinkling and gentle winds... it was a nice night, the fire had extinguished some time ago, didn't bother either of them, though, it was just... pleasantly cold.

... What had kick-started all of this again...? Oh, god - it was him being upset... he had to be fair to himself though, it really did hurt to hear someone else, that wasn't present, Yam made yet another mental note of holding Dark Choco to high standards, they better be at least entertaining to talk to. Them, the one that wasn't here, being talked about instead of having a conversation, laughing about what happened during the day - heck just... talking about the weather, Milk talking to him, Milk not ignoring, Milk not caring... except he did, his gentle blue eyes meeting his was proof of that, he was valiantly fighting himself on that, Milk did care, he did. And people wonder why he's so loud, his mind is loud all the time, it was just impossible to hold it all in for so long, the noise had to get out somehow.

A gust of wind making one of his wicks slap him in the face got him out of his downward spiral. Focusing again on the man that had been plaguing his already close to bursting head, which was now currently not fully here with a pensive expression, his lip quiver being held strong, as usual when he was upset...

Yam now took this chance to scoot closer, Milk's personality usually made him do the first move, now it was Yams' turn. The shuffling sounds not being enough to catch his attention, his proximity also failing to do so. Yam decided to lean closer so that their shoulders bumped, the little jump being confirmation that Milk was now... here enough.

They decided to not make eye contact for now, but, Yam now felt like it was time to discuss another aspect that was very much bugging him... for much longer. Collecting his thoughts... he sighed and began, "... It's not... just you talking about Dark Choco. It could've been anyone else but..." he was fiddling with his hands now, god, he was going to look so clingy... "Well, the topic being them stings a bit more, but I - Look, I often feel as if... I'm invisible to you when you're speaking - n-now! I know I don't have much to talk about, but... it feels as if you'd continue just fine if I wasn't there... heck, sometimes I feel like I'm slipping away to - I dunno, space? When you're - you go on... and stuff. I know you love to speak, which is why you do it, however - again I... it feels like..." you don't think anything of my company "you'd just yap your heart out, perhaps - I don't know - you'd muffle my existence with your words? Whatever the hell that means - you'd just. Continue on, perhaps you'd even walk away by yapping and leave me behind? - I am - I am not making sense, forget it."

So selfish, so clingy. He was an adult, a warrior, a proud berserker that knew how to handle himself - or at least should know by now how to do so, why did he need praise for existing, stupid, stupid.

"...Yam." his head would've snapped off at the unfamiliar sound of... panic in Milk's voice? Milk's eyes were wide, the deepest frown he had ever seen on his pretty, round face. He felt his own eyes mimicking the width of the other.

"I... Are you - No! I would not just WALK away and LEAVE YOU BEHIND?? No no, I - d-do you - you think that I would just -- are you serious? I-I-I" ...were his eyes welling up now...? "Are you... are you really saying that you felt like... that you didn't mean anything to me?? I - For how long???" oh god, why did he open his mouth, this was so uncomfortably unfamiliar, he caused this... (at the same time he could not help, but, feel a little relieved that Milk was letting himself openly upset instead of... bottling it up behind his back, Milk was happy too often, Yam couldn't help, but, weirdly worry if he could actually feel sadness, that he was eventually going to explode... I guess he pressed the detonator, huh).

"Yam?? I... I DO appreciate you! you -- you really -- you think I could LIVE with myself knowing that I turned away a FRIEND - God, the first proper and true friend I've ever had after - I WISHED on many sleepless nights to just have a best friend one day --?! that I -- It really did not feel like I would - I-I felt like I was going to be ALONE because I talked too much! th- that the noise I made deterred EVERYONE and how -- I JUST COULD NOT HELP IT BECAUSE IT IS SOMETHING I LOVED TO DO??"

"M-Milk...! Milk hey, no hang o- "

"You standed the activity, THE THING I DIDN'T WANT TO BELIEVE TO BE HARMFUL OR- OR -- YES, I love speaking AND I SPEAK t-to show love?" he fell silent, frown somehow deeper, he was shaking and breathing irregularly

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK, god. FUCKED UP BIG TIME MOTHERFU- "MILK! - Milk! just LISTEN - PLEASE." He wasn't listening FUCK. Yelling back is not the idea, he knows this, he can't push down his own panic, he just can't, he didn't expect this.

"...I... I can b-be silent... y-yes!" he tried so hard to twist his frown to a smile, it looked horrifying "Talk only when it is wanted! th-that's right! I won't say anything- I-I promise...! and I d-don't break p-promises!! haha!! I SSswear - please don't -- "

"Please, listen...!!!"

...

and he seems to be doing just that... so, Yam grabbed him by the shoulders firmly.

"...Milk, Milk. I know now, I... god -- I..." his light blue eyes looked so... oh, he's crying... and he can feel himself crying, too. "...Well... th-the both of us... clearly aren't too well now... a-are we...? ...yeah?" Milk slowly, yet shakily nodded "W-well... because... we are unwell...? we have seemed to uh... misunderstand eachother, I-I think... god- I know you love to talk, I shouldn't have said it like that I'm so, so sorry..."

Milk grabbed him by his arms, "No... you deserve t-to have some silence, god... I-I should've known. I'm... sorry."

"...and you deserve to indulge in your love... to speak."

They knew that neither was going to win the "I'm sorry" war, so, they just stared, shaking ever so slightly. Eventually the shoulder and arm grabbing turned into a hard, understanding embrace.

...Huh, their bodies fit quite nicely together. Milk was always very nice to hold, not because of his build... at least that wasn't the main reason. It felt... right... it felt light, in his soul, if that is even remotely possible. They could really just stay like this forever, yes, they don't have the "luxury" of forever like the dragons, ancients or elementals, didn't stop that warmth and comfort that thought brought, though. Suddenly, it seems as if everything came back, the sounds and the feelings the nightly weather brought were a reminder that... despite everything that happened to them, they were here, right now, in this moment, and not suffering, despite the commotion that took place not too long ago, it was a misunderstanding after all, lucky them it ended like this, since lack of clear communication is the cause of many, many horrible things. Gratefulness, a thing that gets sent to the sidelines too often, a thing that is often taken for granted or just simply not being aware of it, it is good to feel again after emotional hell... yet, if it weren't for this burst, they wouldn't be here, holding eachother, they would probably have gotten to sleep right now, repeating the cycle of hiding away hurt and unintentionally growing resentment. Maybe this wasn't that ridicoulous after all.

The grass was brushing against his skin once he came back to his senses, the gentle sunlight of the early morning coating him... and more warmth, near his neck, his body, he didn't have to bother to look down far enough to see that wooly-textured blonde hair, yet he wanted to make himself look further, to look at the gentle and familiar face that seemed like home, and it was. His sunburnt cheek pressed against just above his collarbone... should he wake up Milk...? or... better yet, count his freckles that adorned his face, Yam swore there was more every time he had the chance to look closely, making him recount again, not that he minded... not at all.

Yam did not need to wake him though, for he arouse from sleep by himself, looking up to give him the most content, honest look he had ever seen, he had seen many of Milk's looks in the morning, yet, the fuzzy feelings did not fade.

"G'mornin'..." he whispered, still looking at Yam oh-so lovingly.

"Heh... morning to you, too." Yam whispered back, equally content smile on his face, as well, Milk's smiles were almost always contagious, he found himself yet again fighting the urge to just kiss his forehead, which was right there, mind you.

Milk closed his eyes and sighed deeply, perhaps going back to slumber land. but, he felt the mans' arms gently move from beneath his head, Milk always made a pillow out of his arms for Yam whenever they slept like this, another reason to feel fuzzy. He propped his hands on the ground, and slightly lifted himself up. Now he was looming over Yam, he swore he felt his heart stop for a minute... now Milk was slowly yet surely leaning closer to him, Yam closed his eyes shut to hide his nervousness, was he...? no, he wouldn't.

Yam then felt... something warm press on his forehead... it if it lingered any longer he could've sworn he could've died right then and there because his heart was too shocked to keep working... but, thankfully (...he couldn't help, but, immediately miss the feeling), it slowly disappeared, the touch, the ghostly sensation sticked and it felt like it had spread across all his face, as Yam dared to open his eyes...

He saw Milk still on top of him again, staring directly at him.

"...Thank you for telling me those things yesterday... I will show you just how much I appreciate you from now on in the clearest way." he said, with a softness Yam thought to be unacheivable.

He returned the smile, not breaking eye contact.

"...Well, thank you for opening up... I... I now understand. I'll try my best to not let doubt take over me like that again, for you."

Milk chuckled "And... I'll try as well, to keep my secrecy from leaving you in the dark... for you."

Their smiles did not fade, as they felt grateful the other was willing to understand and stay. They were going to get better together, they'll make sure of it.