#I LOVE CHICKEN FLAVOUR SUPERNOODLES

[brits4gerardway]

steaming hot chicken supernoodles 🤤🍜

[borderlinescorpio]

Criteria-fitting thoughts - Unstable Emotions (The Reality of Being a Borderline)

TW - Mental Illness , BPD, drug addiction

The reality is, that every single part of the criteria that relates to you as an individual, still won't manifest itself in the same way it does for others. This means that no one should doubt themselves when they're diagnosed, just because of issues such as they've seen other people saying they experience the opposite. The truth is, we are all valid! Please understand whether you fit 5, 6, 7, 8 or all 9, you are valid no matter how many or how they affect you as an individual.

The thing about me is, I'll always provide examples when talking about the affects of Borderline Personality Disorder. I do this for many reasons, but mostly to help people who may not be educated on BPD have an insight into the mind of a Borderline. This can help other borderlines by their FP being able to read, or their siblings, parents or friends. I can be quite an over-sharer, although I don't think I'll need a trigger warning for what I'm going to be writing about today. But I'll include one regardless just incase.

One of the weirdest things I've noticed about mood swings, is having to avoid certain people, places, conversations, even smells, in order to not have panic attacks/flashbacks?? (which automatically lead into an episode of either extremity). My favourite perfume as a teenager, I feel like all the girls had it, Fantasy by Britney, it was amazing but now it just takes me back to the trauma I was experiencing at that time. The strong smell of petrol in a car garage, chicken flavoured supernoodles.. My dad was an addict growing up and he worked as a mechanic, which explains the petrol thing. regardless of my dads life choices, I just wanted so desperately for him to love me the way other girls' dads loved them, it feels pathetic to say it now. One time, he OD'd sitting next to me on the couch, watching TV and his head was at a backwards angle.. I heard liquid coming up his throat but he didn't move, so I yanked him forward and saved that mans life. I was 8 years old, eating chicken flavoured supernoodles.

Even things people might deem as stupid can ruin my whole day, such as hard style music or certain shows or movies with disturbing plots or may have been big in the world of cinema, back in a time where my life was a living hell and i only had myself to rely on fully. Trying to mask it in front of other people is f*cking hard too. I've tried the whole 'okay I will go to the concert, maybe the environment will distract me from the negative effects the music has on my body'.. don't do it, you'll only wish you never went to begin with.

The mood swings side of BPD really does make me terrified to be a parent, like what if I do or say one thing ever that causes them trauma.. I know and I am confident in the work I have done over these past few years to get help and work on changing behaviours, but how do I know I wouldn't end up more mentally ill while being pregnant or after giving birth? Would I have to come off of my medication, which alongside therapy has been the only thing to keep me on an even keel? I'm 25 and I feel like I should be A LOT further on in life than I am..

Another curse of unstable emotions for me personally has got to be the intense lonliness I feel 24/7, due to isolating myself in the hopes that if I'm not around other people, then maybe I won't ruin my relationship with them by splitting or heading into an episode and being too much to handle. If I'm in a manic state I'm too loud and overbearing, and I do really stupid things with a lot of disorganised thinking, it can get quite dangerous. However, if I'm in a depressive episode, my negativity is too much to handle, I'm too intolerant, too aggressive. So I just simply stay away, because what else can I do to protect them from.. me. Or is it me? I'm at a point where I've let the monster take over so much, I have no idea where it stops and I begin.. I have some really good moments where I feel like myself, not possessed by the demon of darkness, but that quickly fades into bouts of nothingness.