#I KNOW K IM V V BEHIND

[nocturnalcharm]

SWF Alphabet (Logan Howlett)

𐙚 cw: mention of sex briefly, cursing

𐙚 a/n: all of these are just my ~opinions~ so feel free to disagree w me lol also maybe a lil self indulgent so probs not v accurate to wolvie but its alr :,) NOT PROOFREAD

18+ blog!! you are responsible for your own media consumption. if any of the above makes you uncomfortable, do not proceed.

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

— doesn’t start out affectionate, but once you’ve got a deep connection, he becomes more affectionate. loves hugs and surprising you with gifts

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

— would start bc of the team obv. feel like he’d be the type of friend where,,, if you called him at 3am, for any reason, he’d be out of the house and otw to you at 3:01.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

— as much as i want to say yes.. like realistically no. bc nightmares and claws and trauma. but likeeee this is my blog bitch so yes hehe. he’s a big cuddle bug. def likes to be the big spoon but doesn’t mind being a lil spoon sometimes.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

— yes, he could see himself settling down but doesn’t rly care for getting married though, he just doesn’t see the point of it.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

— (im crying) if he HAD to, i feel like he’d push it off and become more distant until you ask him what’s wrong, then he’d tell you everything. ookaY NEXT I DONT WANNA BE SAD

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

— i feel like he wouldn’t want to get married, not for a specific reason, just like doesn’t see the point. is committed to you though and if it was rly important to you, he would.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

— hA. physically yes very gentle unless ur having sex. emotionally………. nah. like if it’s a rly serious situation then yeah but he might not realize how serious something is until he’s already made an ass out of himself and then he’s like //oh shit i fucked up//

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

— heheh… yes. he hugs you all the time. literally always. coming up behind you while you’re cooking, or brushing your teeth and bear hugs you. he just likes touching you.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

— oof. he takes awhile to say it. he def says it first though. but like.. awhile. probably like a year.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

— WHEWWWW I BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ONE. he’s very jealous. he says he’s not. but his actions show otherwise. like says he’s fine but can’t keep his hands off you (when he normally hates PDA) ugh i love it. just wants to show everyone you’re his.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

— passionate. leaves you wanting more. he likes to kiss you allllll overrrr. he likes to be kissed on his neck. and his chest when you’re cuddling and he doesn’t have a shirt on. and lips but duh.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

— cautious, like kinda scared. especially around babies. doesn’t know how to handle them lol

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

— sleepy, cuddly mornings. staying in bed for as long as possible.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

— i like to think you two stay up late together. watching movies, cooking food at midnight, you two often fall asleep on the couch instead of the bed

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

— he doesn’t start getting rly personal until he knows you’re someone to trust, but it’d take awhile. he reveals things slowly.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

— unless you do something to really piss him off, which you wouldnt, i feel like he’d be chill (with u only obv, angry wolvie w everyone else)

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

— sorry but like he remembers every detail you’ve told him. he comes home randomly with a specific candy bar you mentioned you like ONCE 2 years ago and is so proud of himself.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

— when he first said “i love you”. he was so vulnerable and scared honestly but everything was fine and you said it back!!

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

— VERY. VERY BITCH. he will cut a bitch to protect you. literally. ‘touch her and you die’ vibes.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

— i kinda feel like unless it’s something rly important, he wouldn’t put that much effort in but not bc he doesn’t care. bc you like to go over the top and plan out everything lol

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

— isn’t great at communication. prob bottles things up until he kinda blows up whoooops. he definitely tries but has a hard time opening up.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

— he cares, have u seen his lil tufts? isn’t obsessed but puts effort into his appearance. just wants to look good for you!!

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

— ummm yes. it takes a lot for him to open up & be comfortable around someone so if you just weren’t there anymore, for whatever reason, he would feel incomplete

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

— imagining him getting ready for date and he’s styling his lil tufts and ur waiting on him like ‘babe hurry we’re gonna be late!!’ and he’s just trying to perfect his hair so he looks good for you omg

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

— as a yapper this hurts to say but… if you talk too much i feel like it’d annoy him. just imaging you going on and on and on and in his head he’s like ‘get to the mf point ohmygoddddd’

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

— like i mentioned earlier, accidentally falling asleep on the couch lol. sorry but he snores and you have to shake him to make him stop

[zegrasdrysdale]

im having a feeling that you don’t write much for this player (because he’s so underrated)

but im desperate for luca fantilli smut

like chain swinging, bruise inducing, dirty, “rough” sex.

maybe it’s ovulation- maybe it’s just me ?

idc i just need him to call me his, claim the fuck out of me 🤝

[ pent up ] l. fantilli

pairing : Luca Fantilli x fem!reader

summary : after a rough loss, Luca needs to let out some steam

warning(s) : smut ! kinda rough sex, p in v protected sex, oral (m receiving), possessiveness, pet names during sex

author’s note : i also need him to claim the fuck out of me tbh. anon you were so real for that

༺═──────────────═༻

She sat in her dorm room on campus with her laptop open and homework in front of her as she watched the Michigan boys lose their third game in a row. The horn sounded and she watched all of them basically sulk off the ice. Captain Jacob Truscott sat on the bench for an extra minute as his teammates make their way into the locker room.

It's not like they didn't play a good game tonight. They played well defensively without taking too many penalties, but puck luck was not in their favor as they lost 3 to 1 to Penn State. Several shots rung off the post and she wishes every single time that posts weren't a thing.

(Y/N) pretty sure she almost broke her desk chair every time a puck hit the post. She's surprised that she actually didn't end up breaking her chair. She did break multiple pencils in frustration.

A text comes through about forty minutes after the game ends.

luca ♡ - 10:38 pm can i come to your dorm when i drop my stuff off ? wanna see you

She doesn't say no. She can never say no to Luca Fantilli. He has this thing about him that makes it impossible for her to say no to her boyfriend.

It’s nights like tonight where she’s glad she lives in an on-campus suite with her best friend from home. Luca can come and go as he pleases without disturbing her friend since it’s just the two of them in an apartment-like suite. If he’s not at the hockey house then he’s here with his girlfriend.

She sends her friend a text to let her know that Luca is coming over. Her friend sends her back a ‘🚫👶🏼’ in reply.

Less than a half hour later, there’s a knock on the door of the suite. (Y/N) goes and answers it since she knows it’s Luca. Plus, her room is closest to the door. She’s always answering it.

When she swings the door open, a worn out Luca stands on the other side. He’s in his game day suit and Michigan beanie. He looks exhausted, yet he looks like he needs to let out some frustration at the same time.

“Hi, my love,” she softly says. “I watched the game. You guys should’ve had that.”

Luca just nods and walks past her into her bedroom.

He is definitely not happy with how that game went. He should’ve had a hat trick at least with his half a dozen shots on goal. Either the Penn State goalie had him beat or the post did.

It wasn’t an easy night for any of them. Luca takes loses like this personally.

She shuts the door and follows him into her room. She kicks the door shut behind her and Luca throws his beanie at the wall in frustration.

“It’s games like this where I wish I didn’t play this sport,” he confesses. “Half the time it’s fucking puck luck and the other half of the time it’s skill. It truly pisses me off sometimes. It’s so frustrating.”

Immediately, she’s walking up to him and sitting him on her bed. He looks up at her as she says, “Hockey is just a stupid sport. You get frustrated because you love it. You hate to love it. I understand.”

Luca plays with the hem of her Michigan hockey hoodie. “It just sucks sometimes,” he sighs. “I feel like the worst teammate when I can’t score a goal or set someone up.”

“I know,” she replies as she runs her fingers through his hair. Luca in turn slides his arms up her hoodie and pulls her in close to him so his face his buried in her stomach “Is there anything I can do to help you get out some of that frustration you’re feeling?”

He mumbles an “I don’t know” into her hoodie. It’s a lie though. She knows what he wants. She always knows what he wants after a rough game.

She leans down and presses soft kisses to the top of his head. “Let me take care of you then you can do whatever you want,” she tells him.

Before she knows it, she’s sinking down to her knees in front of him. She lands so hard on the joint that she is afraid she might’ve bruised her knees even though the floors are carpeted.

Oh well. Pain always comes before pleasure anyway.

Luca watches as she unbuckles the belt he’s wearing. She tosses it to the floor with a smile on her face. When he finally realizes what she’s doing, he kicks off his shoes and lifts his butt off the mattress so (Y/N) can get his pants off. The suit pants and boxers come off at the same time because she’s become a pro at undressing her boyfriend.

With a smile and a kiss to his thigh right above his knee, (Y/N) takes Luca’s semi in her hand. He watches her with big eyes as she slowly begins to move her hand to pump him. Soft noises pass Luca’s pretty lips as she slowly pulls him closer to an orgasm.

This usually helps Luca relax. It also sometimes ends with her being unable to walk the next day but it’s a Friday night. There are no classes tomorrow. She doesn’t even have to get out of bed if she doesn’t want to.

She glances up at Luca, whose eyes are watching her every move. She bites her bottom lip for a second before she takes him in her mouth.

Her tongue swirls around the reddening tip of his dick for a second before she put as much of him as she can into her mouth. She sucks for a second before she blows him.

“Fuck,” Luca gasps as she begins to move her head up and down. “So pretty with my dick in your mouth.” She smirks around him and takes him even further. Her hand makes up for what she can’t fit.

Luca’s fingers curl in her hair while she moves her head. One of her hands is on the base of his dick while the other snakes into her shorts so she can get pressure on her core.

Soft whines pass her lips as she uses her own fingers to work herself close to an orgasm. It’s only temporary. Her boyfriend’s fingers will replace hers shortly. She knows Luca can only last so long before he’s pinning her to the mattress.

He pulls her hair back into a makeshift ponytail in his fist. She hums at the feeling as Luca moves her at a pace he likes. He takes his time with her.

One of her fingers slides into her pussy and she whines. A part of her wishes that Luca would just get his hands on her already.

It’s like he can read her mind though because it’s not long after that when he finally speaks up.

“You look so beautiful on your knees for me, baby,” Luca pants. “Need to be inside you though.”

(Y/N) pulls back and licks away a drop of saliva that has started to roll down her chin. “Whatever you want, Luca,” she tells him. “If you need to then use me to let out some of that pent up frustration.”

His bright eyes darken and he pulls her to her feet almost immediately after the last word leaves her lips. He pushes the hoodie off of her body to reveal that she has nothing on under the hoodie except for a pair of shorts and pulls her down onto the mattress. He hovers over her and she can’t help but smile up at him.

Luca leans down and captures her lips in a bruising kiss. She hums and bucks her hips up so she can get some pressure, whatever pressure she can find on her core. He pins her hips down to the mattress for a second before a hand finds its way into her Lululemon shorts and panties.

A groan passes her lips when his fingers run through her folds. “Luca,” she mumbles. “Not tonight. Just fuck me.”

He detaches his lips from hers after a second and finds her neck. He sucks and nips at the skin on her neck right under her ear. She sighs and kisses the swell of his ear. A bright mark will be visible right where he’s nipping at and she truly does not care.

Luca could cover her entire body with marks and she’d happily show them off. She’s never been shy to admit that she is Luca’s girlfriend. Especially when other girls try to talk to him after games or on campus when going to classes.

“Already so wet for me, baby,” Luca mumbles. “This just from sucking me off?”

She nods and hums. “All for you,” she sighs. “I am yours.”

He backs away from her neck and gets on his knees between her legs. She watches as he pulls off his suit jacket and unbutton his shirt. Her eyes land on the gold chain around his neck with the number 63 resting between his collarbones. The chain that she got him last year for his birthday.

She knew he wore it, but she has never seen it on after a game. It’s rare for Luca to wear this specific chain during a game since it was a gift from her for his 21st birthday.

Since it’s on now, she knows it was the chain he wore for the game. It turns her on even more if it’s even possible.

Luca notices that she’s looking and smiles. “Wanted to sport my girl during the game tonight,” he tells her. “Just to have you close.”

His words shoot straight to her core and she pulls him down into a hot kiss. Lips are bitten, tongues are shoved into each other’s mouths. The cool 63 rests against her neck right under her chin. Despite her skin being hot, she shivers.

He peels off her shorts and panties, throwing them to the floor with the rest of their clothes. Luca breaks the kiss to reach into her bedside table to grab a condom. She bites a mark into his chest while he rips open the tiny package with his teeth and slides its content onto himself.

“Ready for me?” he questions as he comes back to hover over her. He lines himself up with her but waits until she gives him an answer. She sucks in her bottom lip and nods. “Need to hear you say it, pretty girl.”

“Fuck me before I do it myself,” is her response. Luca can’t help but laugh. She grows slightly annoyed at the fact that he isn’t blowing her back out and bucks her hips so he slides k to her.

The laughing stops and (Y/N) lets out a soft groan at the familiar stretch of Luca’s dick inside of her. She stares up at Luca and watches the 63 swings lightly in her face.

Luca pushes himself completely into her and lets her adjust to his size. He’s slightly above average, but he’s also kind of thick. It’s a lot to take sometimes and it’s why she can’t walk the next day if it’s too rough.

Right now, she’s hoping he channels all his frustration into fucking her because it’s been a little bit since they have been able to have a moment like this.

“Move, Luca,” she breathes out after a minute. “I’ve been ready for you to move for like ev- oh!”

He pulls nearly out of her before he slams into her. She lets out a loud groan and Luca covers her mouth. “Let’s not wake up your friend, yeah?” he says. “Last thing we need is for her to walk in here and see you begging me to fuck you.”

She nods and Luca uncovers her mouth. He very slowly but very deeply moves into her. Her mouth falls open and she lets her legs fall apart for him. The swinging chain moves the quicker he moves.

In a spur of the moment decision, (Y/N) leans up and softly bites the chain. Luca smiles and shakes his head before he picks up the pace.

The bed begins to creak beneath them but that doesn’t stop them. Luca’s mouth is on one of her breasts while his hand rests on the other one. She gasps when she feels him bite a mark into the skin.

“Mine,” he mumbles. “All mine.”

“All yours,” she confirms. “All yours to do whatever you want- fuck!”

Luca slams into her at the same time he reaches down between them to get his fingers on her clit. She cries out in pleasure before Luca pulls out of her. She whines at the loss of contact.

Then he turns her onto her belly and pulls her hips up to meet his. She sighs happily when he fills her up again. “Whatever I want,” he repeats into her ear. “On your knees, pretty girl. Wanna see how you look while I fuck you on your knees.”

With his help, (Y/N) rises to her knees with him still in her. He wraps an arm around her waist and lightly wraps a hand around her throat. He doesn’t put any pressure but fucks up into her. Her head falls onto his shoulder. Luca kisses her cheek.

“Such a good girl,” he praises. “Letting me do what I want with you.”

She whines in agreement as his fingers find her clit. She sighs, “Luca. Please.”

“Please what, baby,” he asks against her ear.

A sudden knot forms in the pit of her stomach. Her legs begin to shake. “Wanna come,” she pants.

Luca kisses the swell of her ear and cups one of her breasts with his free hand. “Go ahead and come,” he tells her. “I’m not that far behind you.”

It’s not long after that when she’s clenching around his dick. She cries out his name as she comes. All she wants to do is fall onto her stomach but Luca is holding her up.

She sees stars as her vision goes white. She’s pretty sure she has never come this hard in her life, but that’s the affect Luca has on her. She also realizes that she doesn’t mind being fucked on her knees. That’s a conclusion she comes to while out of it.

When she comes down from her high, she’s sprawled out on her belly. Luca is wiping her leg down with a warm rag and is leaving soft kisses on her back. “Sorry if that was too much,” he mumbles. “I just needed to let out some frustration.”

“It’s okay,” she replies. “I liked it. It wasn’t bad. Got some new marks to show off.”

Luca laughs and throws the cloth somewhere on the floor before he covers them up with the blankets on her bed. She cuddles up against her boyfriend and lays her cheek on his chest.

“You’re okay though?” she questions as she looks up at him. “I know you were upset about the loss so I just want to double check to make sure you’re okay.”

He nods and brushes her hair out of her face. “Yeah, I’m okay,” he tells her. “Frustration and anger come with the sport. The last thing I want to do is take either out on you.”

“The only time you’re ever allowed to take frustration out on me is when you’re fucking me,” she warns him. “Lay a hand on me and your ass is on the curb.”

Luca smiles. “Yes, ma’am.”

༺═──────────────═༻

MASTERLIST

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[evieskiesss]

MESSY BOY- BILL KAULITZ

WARNINGS: short story, subby bill, no p in v, dirty talk, handjob. REALLY JUST A DRABBLE.

a/n: i know i disappeared for so long, im sorry. im trying to get back into writing since i lost interest for it :/. i rlly don’t wanna quit so this is just a little something for you guys :) i haven’t written in sooooo long so this is not my best, im definitely rusty!

Bill laid on his back, his elbow supporting his weight behind him as you kissed him, hovering over him, lips becoming harsher against his. His tongue struggled to keep up with your pace, whimpered softly as his jaw became sore. Bill let out a surprised gasp when you snuck a hand down his body, your palm coming in contact with his erection through his jeans. “aw, what’s wrong, baby?” you cooed, cocking your head to the side as you admired his surprised expression. Your palm applied a firm pressure to his erection, slowly moving your hand along his length through the denim.

“p-please, oh-,” he moaned breathily, his head lolling back as he bucked his hips up against your hand. He grinded his hips up against your palm, desperately craving more friction to alleviate his throbbing erection. You spoke no words as your hands undid the buttons of his jeans then zipping down the fly. You decided to leave the jeans on him, only pulling down at the waistband of his boxers to pull out his hard cock from beneath them. He let out a surprised breath as his cock was freed from its restraints, his soft puppy-like eyes boring into your face as he wanted more.

“oh, wow..” you spoke quietly, amused at how erect & desperate his cock was for you. The tip glistened with pre-cum, if it wasn’t obvious how desperately horny he was before, it most definitely was now. “look at how ready you are for me,” you murmured, fingers grazing over the tip to smear the pre-cum down his shaft, lubricating him for your hand. He whimpered softly, his thigh nearly hitting his chest as he brought it up, god, he’s so sensitive. “yes..” he replied, his voice small & weak compared to yours.

You began pumping the second you wrapped your hand around him, your pace steady as you didn’t want to tease him any further for the night. “oh!” he gasped, throwing his head back. You squeezed your hand around his length, watching with an amused expression as you admired his face contort with pleasure. Moans poured from his lips, his adam’s apple bobbing with each noise he’d make which sounded like pure heaven to your ears. “my pretty little baby,” you whispered, leaning in to kiss his soft, pink lips. He whimpered against your lips, kissing you back as best as he could, trying to show you how appreciative he was in the moment.

Your lips trailed down his neck, leaving sloppy kisses along the way. Your tongue cupped around the skin, bruising it as you suckled on it gently. You felt the vibrations against your lips as he groaned, his noises only becoming louder and higher in pitch, a dead giveaway of his nearing release. Your hand jerked him off faster, the drops of his pre-cum now smearing messily down his shaft, creating small wet noises. “y-y/n,” he whined, bucking his hips up desperately. You smirked against his skin, sucking on it simultaneously. “mm.. kiss me, k-kiss me,” he begged, managing to blurt out through his incoherent moaning.

“fuck-please,” he gasped. You were pleasantly surprised when his lips attacked yours, needily kissing you with passion. His tongue shakily entered your mouth, lapping at yours. Breaking the kiss, he rested his forehead against yours, lips grazing each other as he let out helpless moans into your mouth. His cock twitched in your hand, his thighs shuddering as the knot in his abdomen grew bigger by the second. “look at me while you cum, baby,” you whispered. His eyes flickered up towards yours, his mouth agape and eyes nearly rolling back.

His eyes fluttered shut as he threw his head back, “nuh-uh, look at me, baby. i wanna see your pretty face while you cum.” That sentence was enough to send him straight into his orgasm. With one lust tug at his cock, he forced his eyes open to look back at you, his cum spurting out in thick ropes. “y/n!” he moaned high-pitchedly, thighs shaking as you continued to pump him, squeezing gently to help milk out his orgasm as much as possible. You slowed your pace on his cock, looking down with a small smile as your hand was coated in his cum, his jeans and boxers also covered in his seed.

Bill laid limp against the pillows, his chest rising & falling heavily as he tried to re-gain his breath, “f-fuck.” His cock softened in your hand, his cheeks burned red as he looked down, realizing the mess he made. “ ‘m sorry..”. You shook your head, “it’s okay.. you know i like how messy my baby gets.”

-

another a/n; guys i loved how bill in the end made a ‘mess’. what if i write a story abt bill ‘cleaning up his mess’?🫣. lmk what you guys think :)!

[mr-bas00nist]

Balalaika NSFW Alphabet

no one asked but I delivered

Im a man so intended amab reader but can be gn with a dick ig!

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

REALLY depends on who’s topping or “bottoming”. Which also depends on how she feels and how well she knows you and trusts you.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

I think she really likes your face. Something’s just so intimate about it. Seeing your expressions is how she knows if she’s doing good or not.

im gonna say she likes her boobs. Have you seen those things? She knows she can get away with anything with them ❤️

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

She likes it anywhere. I think face, tits and inside are her favorites though. On you, definitely your face from eating her out.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Has humped your pillows before ☝🏽 all of them. Numerous times.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

I feel like she’s experienced but hasn’t had a lot of hook ups because of the military? Probably knows a lot about sex but hasn’t but much to work before you

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

cowgirl or full nelson! If she’s on top of you she’ll ride you like there’s no tomorrow. If your the dominant she wants you to put her in the meanest full nelson.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

I think very serious. Sex is a big thing for her. She barely trusts and if she’s trusts you to have sex with her, nevertheless dom her? She’s serious about it.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

It’s either trimmed or a bush I feel like. I think she hates it bald because itching but I also don’t know if she’d let it go fully? Your choice I guess!

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

She’s very romantic. If she even got to sex with you she adores you. Drops L-bombs during sex 100%.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

Not frequently at all. She never did it in the military and after she only did it to relieve stress rarely. She’s got you, no point in it anymore to be fair.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Honestly feel like she’s got a major breeding kink. Also maybe a bit of ma’am or mommy kink going on.

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

Anywhere private? I don’t think she’d like much risky places. She has a reputation to uphold!

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

Anything sweet you do for her or her soldiers. You’re a breath of fresh air behind closed doors whether you are a criminal like them or a civilian that got swept up into the chaos.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

No bathroom kinks or stuff like that. No sharing you, any weird fetishes or stuff like that.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

she gives some CRAZY head. Tit jobs are insane. She loves receiving more though. You will be drowning in it (sounds like a good time)

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

She rides fast and rough and expects you to go fast and rough. Unless you two are exhausted it’s pretty aggressive sex.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

Pretty often I’d say since she’s so busy.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

like I said, she’s got a reputation to uphold. Riskiest place is in her office I’d say.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

Crazy stamina, thighs do not ache for hours.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

Maybe a small vibrator for when nights got to lonely before you.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

she’s a big tease. Won’t let you cum for a while if she feels like it. Even if your on top she loves to mess around with you and move her hips when your trying to catch your breath.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

A groaner and moaner. Very breathy and hoarse. Probably no screams or whimpers.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

I think she wants you to hump her pussy real bad. No penetration. Just watching you rut back and forth hitting her clit is a dream. Wet sounds to the max.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

#F9EBEA or #FADBD8 for her vulva and all that. Meaty pussy‼️🙏🏽

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

All depends on you. Long nights at work where she finally gets a break she wants to feel you close. But otherwise you’ll probably have to initiate.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

really don’t think that fast. I honestly think a lot of the nights you’ll have to fuck her to sleep. Her head runs around like crazy and she just needs to forget it all and doze off.

[little-miss-dilf-lover]

Tangerine fingering headcannons?? 😏😏 (HELP I CRINGED TYPING THAT OUT)

😭😭😭 pissing and yes ofc!! thanks for requesting, hope you like it💌

18+ !! fem reader, minors dni

— he looks like he'd be the first two fingers kinda guy, but he's actually the middle two fingers kinda guy !! (good, bc if not that'll break my heart😓)

— k so, firstly, this guy knows what he's doing! wouldn't even doubt that for a minute. he knows all the parts, knows the exact amount of pressure, knows what they need when they need it

— one of his fave ways to finger you is.. so idk if it has a name so I'll describe it for you, that cool? good. so, both sat up, you in front, kinda slumping into him with your back to his chest and his hand in between. I think im overcomplicating it lol. but basically, the position is like you're doing it to yourself, but he'd be doing it for you. just him leisurely running up your slit, thumbing your clit, poking his fingers in. in this position he's able to kiss your neck from behind too. brushing kisses over your shoulder, cheek, upper back, and side of the throat. he also dirty talks you behind your ear. he loves this one on the sofa and it will be kinda lazy, just him mindlessly playing with you. all unrushed

— another one he loves is.. when you're laid flat down and he kinda stands over you, kinda caging - one hand beside your head for support, the other between your thighs, just pumping into you. he likes the eye contact in this one and loves to look over your body from above - watching you react and twitch and breathe 

— he's adaptable, so he can multitask!! one hand pumping into you, the other laid flat over your pubic bone as his thumb flicks over your clit

— dude, he knows where your g-spot is and he hits it E V E R Y T I M E !1! pads of his fingers skimming it, rubbing it, pushing into it when he brushes past it

— if this is prep/ foreplay, he does this thing where he spreads his fingers inside of you, working you open for his dick. just opening and closing them in like 3 sec intervals

— also also he LURVES seeing how wet he can make you with the most minimal touch. just VERY LIGHTLY brushing a finger over you, but avoiding all the sensitive spots. just skimming over the crease between upper thigh, sides of folds, pubic bone. and loves to see a trickle of wet seep out!! but only then would he slip his fingers in. like they plunge in and then there's like a squelch bc of how wet you are and like some drips out and makes a huge mess and like like like omg omg. talking of which, he loves to make a mess of you, smearing your wetness around so you're all shiny and glistening and puffy

— also he likes to make you cum with 1 finger sometimes (whether inside or on clit) it’s like an ego boost for him to know that it can only take 1 finger

— he sometimes likes to see if you can take 3 fingers (you can bc it's him and he preps you good)

— he praises you, degrades you - whatever you're into

— likes to overstim you and edge you when fingering

— like everything else, he's very good at what he does 

— also he can make you squirt, NO PROBLEM

I probs have way more but that's it for now

[heartfullofleeches]

Of K and V, Dylan and V, and K and Dylan, who would be the most functional while having the same darling?

(I think about K and Dylan sharing a fem darling a lot and I know Fem reader isn't your thing so it isn't a request but I really like the idea)

I'd say probably Dylan and K. They still go at it behind closed doors, but in the presence of their darling they're usually to busy trying to steal most of their attention/one up each other. With K and V one of them is dead within the first week, and with V and Dylan one of them is alive for at least a month. It's funny how quick to murder V and K are, but they're siblings so I guess it just runs in the same. Dylan is pretty chill, but is more the type to make rivals wish they were dead - unless they try to start something first

Im not opposed to fem darlings and I now offer to you the idea of timid fem darling with these two nightmares. Shy girl just trying to get through the week hounded by a fuckgirl and her cousin who may be the daughter of Satan. Dylan waits for K to frighten darling with her pets and indepth knowledge on various forms of torture so she can act all night and approachable to give darling a break from that headache. Darling barely feels any safer around her knowing Dylan for some reason already has her number and keys to her place. Darling pretty much has to choose from the trigger happy spider girl and the emotionally shot, but almost equally as violent horny party girl.

I honestly can't tell who would be a better/worse choice

[adikeii]

u know it's such a shame that kingsman universe only focuses on eggsy and harry (and a merlin a little) 'CAUSE there are such a huge amount of stories that could be told and questions to be answered (and yeah i know that its normal in not giving any plot or development to bg charachters but why they 've added interesting details IT tRiGGerS QuEsTiOns... *sighs*)

SO - some of my thoughts and (obvious) questions about k*ngsmn.. (i just 'd really like to see that....)

- THAT particular moment from the very beginning of the film - when lee dies - i damn want to know what effect it had on james (maybe even this outstanding (in every way) suit is needed for him to prove himself that he 's damn awesome and deserving the lancelot title??)

- harry in the film was referring to james as a friend and aaaand??? what james was like with all of the others (arthur and percy especially) in that 17 years? sounds like a good question

- it would be really cool to see some perci-roxy interaction u know... 😟

- IT ALSO WOULD BE REALLY cool to see perci actually talking

- that look harry and percival exchange at the end of the all-kingsman we-will-miss-lancey-james-sorely meeting IT MEANT SMTH it should 've.....

- when roxy becomes a kingsman agent she becomes the only female agent... that's very very very interesting--

- also the arthur moment. so chester dies and the main questions is how they choose a successor 😐

- and im very much interested how all the kingsmen 've dealt with the consequences of the v-day situation (the whole world was fighting so there should be hundreds of thousands dead...)... AND much more importantly: where the hell have the statesmen been during all of this valentine connected shit (yeah in the second film they 're epic but they 're kinda spies too so they shoul 've seen some situation going all damn over the world (celebrities disappering moment...) its their job...) *but lets just put this question to the box-for-the-stupid-questions-we-ll-never-get-an-answer-for where already question about the stupidity of james's death lies*

- there should be more respect for merlin in films (he 's like the big brain of the idiots - they 'd literally be weak without him) - i mean he wasnt killed in the second film 'cause he 's not treated like an agent by kngsmn... (and pls give him a normal office he 's a genius tech-wizard - this situation with him basically working on this tube-train-station is strange to me...)

- and back to my obsession: this contrast of perci wearing strictly super-classical black suit (other agents may wear more gray or more with-patterns suits??) while james 's wearing this tan-sandlike-even-goldish-a-little color ?? it probably has a huge meaning behind it

and still:

- why there can't fucking be two lancelots (his death is a trauma i can do nothing about it..)

*still silently thinks about that scene with james using that guy as a shield while killing them all by shooting off al damn bullets**

[astrokid425]

chat im missing 2 symbols from generation loss video :(

from what i know abt cipher making usually you would want to do it in the language you speak the most (which is english) or use the english alphabet or something similar. i have 24 known symbols, KXV are confirmed too and only K is used so that means that this can be beat by just counting how many symbols and then comparing it to charts of common letters and do it that way. i have a theory that im missing Z and Q cause theyre the most unused in the english alphabet behind K, V, and X.

i dont think theyre important if they didnt show up but itll mess up me trying to cross examine it with charts on common letters with a computer...

if anyone has theories to where Z and Q are then please repost!!!

EDIT: okay i realized that it might be Z and J missing because theyre the main characters of gen 1. if thats so im absolutely might be screwed. ill try both of my theories. also i think | is a letter, not a space even if it does make sense that they are spaces. If it is spaces then i have three missing letters that are Z, Q, and J i feel

[ma3mae]

How much do you want to bet that Tecchou has a god damn bug collection and he just shows it off to you proudly😭 "Babe come look it's my favourite beetle boogahooga" I JUST KNOW HE GIVES EITHER THE MOST BASIC NAMES OR LIKE "MEGA BLENDER X300 MAX"

Also I love your writing so much omfg😔🩷🩷

Don't be so antsy!

Summary: It's been a few months since Tetchou declared his love for you and he couldn't be happier, especially after finally showing you his treasured collection! But how will you react?

Genre: FEAR 🤡 because insects... Also cracky and a bit of fluff bc i just love him so much 💕😭 slight suggestive hint at the end 🤓

A/N: FOAMING AT MY MOUTH FROM EXCITEMENT!!!! still cant believe that u love my writing 😭😩fangirling so hard rn, time to print, frame and hang this onto my wall. No one can stop me 😤😤😤

Suehiro Tetchou

You knew about his adoration for bugs even before the both of you got together

It wasnt smth he'd be talking about for HOURS bc its just a topic never really spoken about

all the other hunting dogs know about it but... they wanted to spare u LMAO 😭

like u accompany him to his work place and his colleagues r outside of the dooe, waiting for him so they can leave

u r like waving at them and teruko waves back but yall r just caught off guard when jouno YELLs out of nowhere "MOVE YOUR DUMB ASS ALREADY OVER HERE 💀💀"

Like was he yelling at u??? Yall we dont know who he lookin at bc HOW 😭😭😭😩 srynotsry

But u realised who he meant when u looked behind u and tf 🤨🤨🤨

Tetchou just EMERGES out of a fking bush and 🤨🤨 is that 🤨🤨 a random ass bug in his hand 🤨🤨🤨 he got KIDNAPPED

"But I found this cool grasshopper... His name's Bush."

"DONT GIVE IT A NAME! PUT THAT SHIT BACK ALREADY AND M O V E"

Jouno is just seconds away from beating the shit out of him bc

"WHERE'D HE GET THAT JAR FROM???" "Teruko, that's not important. Make him HURRY UP ALREADY"

"Can we take Leaf with us?"Jouno is already taking his sword out to kill that thing 💀💀

cue a RANDOM ASS FIGHT 💀💀💀

"PUT IT BACK AND LETS MOVE YOU FUCKER" "No, I won't let you hurt Omega 300 GT 5" "Wait I thought his name wa-UGH IDC ILL KILL THAT THING FFS"

tachihara just turns away with "k, think im walking home already BYE"

teruko just yanks him back and the other boys too so that they can finally leave

"Can I take him wit-" "No. I know you like these kinds of things but no. Also if you want that thing to actually LIVE then put it back bc u know who will exterminate the shit out of it." "Hm. 😐"

He just walks up to u and goes "can u take this. please"

U cant say no to his puppy eyes 👁️👁️

You're just so confused but maybe its also cute??? U just thought that its a little interest in him but BOY

It wasnt so little as u thought 🤓 LOL i gotta get my head out of the gutter

*

*

********

Holding hands while going on a stroll was something you'd often find yourself doing during your free time together, especially when the sun was shining so brightly while a fresh spring breeze would occasionally sweep through the air.

Humming a random tune while you lightly swayed your joined hands back and forth.

Tetchou couldn't help but let a soft smile grace his lips at the slightly childish action.

No words could describe how much he enjoyed your leisurely strolls together. It would be seen as a nearly generic thing to do together as a couple but for him it was a time to be treated as sacred. Where else could he tuck your hair behind your ears when the wind would blow through it? Or where else could he see the sunlight make you shine impossibly brighter in his eyes, almost blindingly so?

But what really excited him were the "little" discoveries you'd make on your way.

And oh wait? What's tha-

"Y/N."

Hearing your name made you about to turn your face towards him yet there was no need!

Since your boyfriend forgot how strong he was...

Yanking a bit too hard on your arm made you hit his chest with your back, a small "oof" slipping past your lips.

"OUCH, Tetchou??? What in the-"

"Look."

"Huh?"

You let your gaze follow the direction his outstretched arm, finally stopping at what he was pointing at with his index finger.

To your not so much surprise it was a-

"It's a colony of ants. Look at how hard they're working, Y/N."

Before you could even think of stopping him, he had already moved towards them, crouching down to get a closer look.

You let out a sigh yet couldn't help smiling at his endearing but also random antics.

No matter how many times it would help, it never managed to not be funny. The Hunting Dogs were known for how powerful yet also how "eccentric" the members were, yet witnessing it for the first time and continuing to live with it never failed to bring a smile on your face.

Especially with just how cute your boyfriend looked right now! The way his eyes would twinkle at the mention of insects was something you personally could only understand but never relate to.

As much as you would love to go along and try to enjoy it with him, you kinda wanted to continue on your walk.

Because when he's focused on something then it would be a real nuisance to get him away from it.

But that's not a problem for the love of his life, right?

*

*

*********

Jokes on you, it actually was 💀

Like u got a hunch hes doing it on purpose when he pulls his puppy eyes and that barely but noticeable enough atleast for you pout on u when u said

"I love you, but i kinda wanna yk walk?"

"But Y/N 😟. *points at the ants* only for a minute, please 🥺"

YALL KNOW 😩 YALL KNOOOOW ITS NOT GONNA BE A MINUTE 😔😔😔

Your legs gonna start cramping from watching these fuckers crawl around??? Nah no one CARES 😤😤 jk jk

our cutie tetchouie would NEVER ignore his partners needs okur okur

Like hes already whipped from how we r atleast TRYING to enjoy what hes enjoying

He knows how unlikeable these little crawlers i hate bugs can be but his s/o is trying so hard and he just 🥺🥺🥺 looks at u wirh heart eyes

dw if u cant walk, he'll give u either a piggyback ride yall being cute 😤💕 or the classic bridal style 😩

And dw if he finds another interesting bug but his hands r occupied? Nah, he gon GET THAT ANYWAY

*

*

*********

"ACHOO"

"Bless you."

"Thanks." You told him as you lightly rubbed your nose with the back of your hand. You loved his hair but it would often tickle your nose whenever you'd try to look over his shoulder as he was carrying you on his back.

It was one of the small ways of him apologizing to you and enduring his antics.

His heart would nearly suffocate him from how much it would swell whenever you'd just reassure him that it was totally okay for you. If he loved ants then it's just what he loved and as his partner, you'd be open for everything that makes him happy.

Yet he still tried to keep it down around you so he was often a bit torn between.

"Ah. Wait is that...?"

Oh no.

You knew it.

You knew what was about to happen next.

Before you could stop him, he was already walking off of the path and into the field.

A whine got past your lips yet he seemed too caught up in his fascination of...?

"A horned beetle!"

Some meters above you, sat a beetle on a branch, seemingly undisturbed by the both of you and yet in Tetchou's eyes, it equaled a sacred national treasure.

A treasure that he wanted to get his hands on.

"Hold tight, Y/N."

"WAIT N-!"

Hooking your arm and legs tightly like a koala around his body, he made a leap for it. You didn't know HOW he managed to do it every time but there he was.

Jumping onto the tree and quickly pulling a tiny jar out of a pocket in his blazer (you don't even know how he even hid that...) and-

"I got it!" He exclaimed in happiness as he jumped down, holding his hand onto the open jar. Screwing a lid onto it, he gave it a quick glance before putting it back into his pocket.

Noticing that you were slowly losing your grip on him, he hooked his arms under your legs, hoisting you up again before almost nonchalantly continuing your walk as if he hadn't just jumped up a tree for a beetle...

"Uhm, you don't wanna stare at it or something?" You asked, genuinely surprised yet almost regretting the question since it could change his mind.

"No, I can do that at home. Your legs are hurting after all."

A smile spread onto your lips at his kind words, only spreading further after hearing a slight hitch in his breathing as you let your lips graze his neck before planting a kiss on it.

"Anything for my love, you know? By the way, have you thought of a name yet for your new little friend?"

"I have but-"

You felt him tighten his grip around your legs before he suddenly began to pick up his pace, walking in long and fast strides.

"Want to be home as fast as possible, so we can you know..."

He peeked over his shoulder to see your slightly reddened face before looking forward, strongly focused on one thing.

"continue what you've started."

A small laugh slipped out of him, your nose tickling his neck as you hid your face in it, immediately knowing what he was implying and well...

You weren't complaining.

*

*

********

No one would have expected it but... our boy's pretty easy to rile up 😤😩

yall think he cute and innocent?? Nah nah he wanna get into that shi* too like hes a whipped and legit down bad man for his love rightfully so ✋✋

dw after yall r done, he'll def bring back the topic of "naming his friend/-s" and welp

u better be ready to spend ur weekend on that kinda thing 💀💀💀 and yall gonna settle on the either cutest or most ridiculous shit...

Its either "Groundbreaker 500, The Nightmare of All" or "sugarberry twinkle star" 🤓🤓 if he wants to honor the place he found it (like in the beginning ^), uhhhhhh 🤨

This btch's name is gonna be "leftover bread" or smth bc it was on it when he found that thing💀

yall cant convince me otherwise BYE 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️

LOL, this got way too long and i kinda got carried away but that always happens with him 😩😩😩 maybe rushed at the end but i hope u r happy with this @soysaucefu 💅💕💕

[dirtybitfic]

finally pt.2 ( chris sturniolo) ⚠️ spanking, belts , punishments , aftercare

(Song theme for this part )

As Chris is relentlessly pounding into you you start to reach back trying to push him off because he’s just so fucking deep . This causes him to grab your arms and pin them behind your back making you now fully immobile and at his mercy .

“ what did I fucking say y/n your gonna fucking take it he grunts and shoves his hips so hard that you scream as he comes down to your ear and your gonna fucking . Thank. Me “

“Yes daddy I’m sorry your just so big and so deep” he starts going at an agonizing pace stroking so deep that it’s driving you crazy and your start huffing out of annoyance missing him pounding the fuck out of you please daddyyyy you moan he smacks your ass so hard you feel the ripples through your back please what slut

Harder faster anything just give me more you whine out that’s what I fucking thought Chris says and starts going even harder and faster than before you start to scream and try kicking your feet but his legs just shove yours down harder nah uh slut im giving you exactly what you begged for so your gonna fucking take it Chris says now thank me

Your trying so hard to thank him but the only thing that comes out of your mouth are squeaks and moans Come in y/n you have the count of three to say thank you or I will grab a belt from the closet and spank you so hard you won’t be able to sit for a week

1… 2…. Chris starts

I …. Mmmmmm. … DADDY PLEASE GOD I …. MMMM

3 Chris ends . I tried to warn you y/n but you just couldn’t listen

What Chris didn’t know is that you wanted him to do it the thought made you so incredibly wet as he keeps pounding you. You start screaming as he continuously hits your g spot so deep and fast that you feel another orgasm building and you know this one is gonna be the death of you

“ yeah I can feel you tightening around me slut you gonna cum again all over my dick?” Chris says “ yes daddyyy…. FU-FUCK ME JESUS FUCKING CHRIST IM SO CLOSE” “ Your gonna cum with me like a good little girl okay” “ YES DADDYS FUCK “ chris starts counting down from 10 this makes you almost cum even from the fact he counting you down to your orgasm and that is another kink you have “ 5 *deep thrust *4 oh my Fuck baby.. 3 … FUCK DADDY MMMMM 2 he grunts 1 cun for me slut oh fuckkkkkkk god DAMN

FUCK DADDDYYYYY yours legs are shaking so hard at this point as he’s grunting deeply in your ear while he’s finishing coming down from his high

He lets go of your arm and slowly pulls out you lay there still dizzy from your mind blowing orgasm as u hear his footsteps walking away and a door opening you almost forgot about the whole belt thing this made your heart start to race your body was already so tired and you knew his belt was gonna be rough he warned you and you didn’t listen but you both secretly knew why

You heard his step come back and you look over your shoulder to see he threw on some sweats that show his deep ass v line making you horny all over again Get up slut your gonna lay across my knee and count with me as my belt leaves mark on that ass

You try and stand up but your legs just start shaking uncontrollably and buckle under you weight he grabs you arms and he sits down and looks at you with a sadistic smile which makes your stomach drop he looks so fucking hot yet absolutely terrifying at the same time. He pulls you down so your over his knee “ okay y/n your gonna count each lash and your gonna thank me every . Single .time am I understood “you took a shaking breathe “ yes daddy” “ Aww don’t sound so pathetic gorgeous… you brought this on yourself” the first slash came down causing your hips to buck and you to cry out 1 .. thank you da-daddy another 2 this one being a little harder making you tear up thank you 3 ahh you moan slash scream thank-k yo-you daddy “that’s it slut your doing so good by your 6th thank you you were crying and the sting was almost unbearable SEVEN JESUS FUCK you scream out tears pouring out of your eyes none stop …TEN OH GOD THANK YOU FUCK THANK YOU DADDY you scream out thanking god it was finally over he tried to rub the welts to make them feel better but it hurt to much and you bucked and screamed out his name so he stopped . He helped you stand up and hoisted your tired body to the bathroom connected to his room he set you down on the toilet as he started a hot bath “ Go pee while I grab you a sweatshirt to throw on after the bath okay sweetheart” chris says as he gives you a soft peck on the head and walks out you finish peeing and he comes back in . While you had been sitting there you thought about how funny it was that he could go from and absolute sadist to the sweetest guy in the matter of minutes

He hoisted you up and helped you into the bath then took off his pants and slipped in behind you . You relaxed into his chest and leaned your head back and he drew figure eights on your chest you started giggling which caused him to pause “ why are you laughing and says while he giggles a little “ oh nothing just that I realized your the first man whose ever made me orgasm” “ wait… REALLY “ chris asked “ yeah and that was by far the best sex I’ve ever had in my life I had a feeling you’d be freaky but Jesus Christ am I shocked” “ haha yeah I hope it wasn’t too much” “ no not at all I loved it your also the first guys who’s givin me the sex and dominance I’ve wanted for so long” “ we’ll I’m glad you enjoyed it cause holy fuck i definitely did” you both just smiled and relaxed into each other “ y/n I’m so glad I met you you’re exactly the girl I’ve been waiting for “ you turn to look at him and smile “ I completely agree you said giving him a sweet kiss then ask if you can get out since the water was starting to get Luke warm he got out first and gave you a hand out and helped you dry off while you put your hair up into a messy bun and he slid the sweat shirt over your head you both went back into the room as he changed the sheets and you layed down you grabbed your phone and saw you had a million missed texts from Sam you decided to call her back since the party was definitely over by now it had been 4 HOURS OMG. Sam immediately answered

“ y/n you’ll never guess who’s bed I’m in rightnow”

“ Sam you’ll never guess who’s bed IM in rightnow”

On the count of three well both Say who okay

chris is just standing there silently laughing to him self about it.

3…2…1

I’m in Matt’s bedroom rn

I’m in Chris’s bedroom rn

WAIT SAM DID YOU SAY MATT

Wait did you say CHRIS

Biiiiiitch Sam said

BIIIIITCH you said to Sam

I’m literally right down the hall from you can we come and say hi I haven’t heard or seen from you in 4 fucking hours girl what the fuck were you doing ?😼

Yeah come on down and bring waters with you Mathew chris said gotcha Matt called

Sam and Matt came in “ jesus what happened to your face” Matt asked “ your brother that’s what happened “ him and Chris started laughing manically as him and Sam sat down on the couch by Chris’s window and y’all just talked Sam looked at you and smirked you just nodded and she said you guys had to spill later . Matt asked if you could hand him the blanket from the end of the bed you just awkwardly laughed and said “ no can do buddy my body is not functioning enough for getting up right now” you all just laughed and Chris handed it to him and you all talked and laughed until the sun came up

I’m just being silly and devious thought I would catch y’all of guard with this song at the end🫦🤟🏼

(Yeahhhh anyways so that was a lot idek what the fuck that was my 20 year old Ass was feeling real devious hope you liked and if not whateva)

💋❤️🤠

[itsgonnabeanofrommedawg]

3, 5, 19, 22 :)

if you were to get lyrics tattooed on you, which would they be? (or tell about what you already have!)

ough…ive been thinking about this for DAYS now. caveat i love tats on others & as an art form but id tolerate them poorly on myself so the Real answer here is john cage 4:44. but that's boring so!

i think a lot of the lyrics i like best are very long. i could see a mad max history man type beat with a lot of tiny lyrics inscribed. poetry also. if so:

last few minutes of sufjan's the ascension (too long to write out here i fear)

last 5 stanzas of renaud's mistral gagnant

end of john k samson postdoc blues (so take that laminate out of your wallet and read it, and recommit yourself to the healing of the world, and to the welfare of all creatures upon it. pursue a practice that will strengthen your heart.)

short ones:

the mountain goats john 4:16 (so i won't be afraid of anything ever again)

the microphones i'll not contain you (through callused work i will grow soft)

big thief mythological beauty (you're all caught up inside but you know the way)

is there a song that always makes you cry, no matter what? what is it?

two weeks fka twigs. first time i cried at a concert i was sitting on a railing at rebel nightclub (derogatory) straining every muscle in my body to see over david duchovny & phoebe waller-bridge's dumb stupid heads from my terrible spot behind the raised vip dais. and then two weeks and none of it mattered. it's not the lyrics or any personal relevance or relatability. just the sounds. gesamtkunstwerk ass song. to me

what do you think is the greatest love song of all time?

talking heads this must be the place (naïve melody). im just an animal. looking for a home. share the same space for a minute or two. and ill love you till my heart stops. love you till im dead. i could go on

what band do you think has the best or most interesting story? (toxic breakup, bandmates in love, etc)

goddd. sleater-kinney (the st. v drama is less interesting to me & janet leaving bums me out, im talking og corin/carrie type shit). bruce springsteen & clarence clemons

[sketching-shark]

I say we gotta put LEMH back into the dirt. He gotta go

Im tire of him being v feminized and being treated as uwu poor meow meow

He doesn’t even actually have a name yet the name that describes him gets treated as such benevolence?? W a c k

Im hating on his moon symbolism, mf doesn’t deserve one of swk parents to represent him

awegrrstghsfds man you guys are really dunking on lego show LEMH on my blog today. But yeah anon the uwufication of the Six-Eared Macaque was kind of funny at first but personally now I just see it as increasingly annoying and depressing. First because YEAH for as much as people keep saying that Monkie Kid gave him more of a character it's still a character fundamentally driven by his violent obsession with Sun Wukong to the point where there's little about him that isn't based on his dealings with the Monkey King, & now there's basically 0 sign that he'll get to cultivate a personality outside of that (X_X).

Also definitely sucks that so much of the sympathy & background the shadow simian's been given is a direct result of the show itself characterizing SWK with increasingly frequency as a selfish destructive idiot who ruins the lives of everyone around him & fandom running with that. I've said before that one of my favorite things about og classic SWK is how blunt he is about the reasons behind his actions, and how even when he's being ultra-violent you can usually understand why he's acting that way. In Xiyouji the whole REASON SWK went after LEMH as furiously as he did was because this monkey not only badly hurt his loved ones in both the pilgrimage and the Mt. Huaguoshan monkey yaoguai troop, but was aiming to murder-replace the Monkey King so he could have all the glory of that identity for himself. But in Monkie Kid? Well it turns out that LEMH defended his bff SWK to the end only to be betrayed by a Monkey King who just completely sucks now I guess! And yes yes I know they keep saying we don't have the full story but come on it's been 4 seasons and we've only ever gotten LEMH's perspective all while SWK either runs around blundering into one catastrophe after another or gets taken out of the story. Definitely does seem at times like as a direct result both canon and fanon is gunning to replace SWK with LEMH so I guess congratulations to Monkie Kid LEMH for achieving what Xiyouji LEMH couldn't lmao.

And yeah I know I know things will probably get cleared up in one way or another what with skewed perspectives more of the story to tell etc. but as it stands it's kind of nuts just how much of the current hatred for SWK is based on the understanding pushed by the show itself that he's absolutely in the wrong for whatever went down between him and LEMH, all while LEMH is I guess forever defined by a guy he despises. Fully aware that things are open to change, but personally I see this as the worst end for both characters (X_X)

[nepokisses]

im   nayeon.     she / her.     cis   woman.      ›spotted   at   the   met   steps   ,   dasom   ‘summer’   lee   ,   most   likely   listening   to   cozy   by   beyonce   with   their   airpods   pro   .   the  twenty-eight   year   old   gained   quite   a   reputation   ,   known   to   be   -naive   yet   +confident   to   anyone   who   knows   them   .   you'll   easily   spot   them   when   you   hear   about  sweet,   bunny   like   smiles,   the   sound   of   high   heels   clicking   on   marble   floors,   and   pink   diamond   studded   microphones   ,   followed   by  daisy   love   eau   so   sweet   by   marc   jacobs   .   latest   nepoupdates   article   talks   about   latest   the   pop   princess   having   to   postpone   her   upcoming   tour   ,   but   i   guess   any   reputation   is   good   reputation   .   (   tj   ,   21   ,   they / them   ,   est   ,   no triggers   .   )

B A S I C S 

full name: lee dasom. nicknames: summer. gender:  cis woman. pronouns:  she/her. sexuality:  pansexual. age:  28. date of birth:  june 27, 1994. zodiac sign:  cancer. birthplace: manhattan, new york ( lived until age 13 ). current location: manhattan, new york. residence:  she lives in a luxury townhouse on east 64th street. occupation:  former k-pop idol / current singer-songwriter, actress & model. languages spoken: english, korean, japanese, conversational spanish and brazilian portuguese to communicate with south american fans ( one of her largest fanbases ).

A P P E A R A N C E

faceclaim:  im nayeon. height:  5’3. build:  slim. eyes:  brown. hair:  naturally dark brunette, but dyes it different colors, mostly different variations of brown. piercings:  belly button, standard earlobe piercings.  tattoos:  three small hearts behind her ear, cherries on her right ankle, a kiss mark on her right inner wrist, her parents' birthdates in roman numerals on her shoulder, matching tattoo with best friend on left ankle, butterflies going up her spine. other distinguishing features:  gummy smile, bunny teeth. style:  hyper-feminine. likes to wear bright colors, dresses and skirts. can be seen wearing heels the majority of the time, no matter the occasion, mostly due to her short height. 

P E R S O N A L I T Y

traits:  (+) confident, spontaneous, friendly/social, detail-oriented. (-) naive, sensitive, impulsive, anxious.  mental health:  anxiety disorder, depression; medicated for both.  physical health:  good, average. likes:  sweets, playing music loudly and singing along, karaoke, fashion, art, horror movies, amusement parks, dance clubs, smoking marijuana.  dislikes:  arrogance, confrontation, people with no sympathy or empathy for others, stan culture, being babied, being controlled, being manipulated.  fears:  losing her career, the passing of friends or loved ones, the dark.  phobias:  insects, drowning, heights. hobbies:  karaoke, late night drives, drawing, painting. skills:  roller skating, cooking, art, songwriting, singing, dancing, acting, modeling. quirks:  standing on top of things to be taller, subconsciously standing on her toes to be taller, humming under her breath, singing at random times, twirling her hair.

F A V O R I T E S

ice cream flavour:  strawberry.  time of the day / night:  late night / very early morning, between 11pm and 3am.  weather:  fall weather.  breakfast food:  pancakes, bacon, bagels, danishes.  dinner food:  anything seafood, tteokbokki, ramen, beef. colours:  lots of red and pink.  music: mariah carey, beyoncé, britney spears, ailee, taeyeon, bibi, raveena, fka twigs, rihanna, lady gaga, HER, ari lennox, lizzo, zayn, lil nas x. 

M I S C E L A N E O U S

a cherished item:  trinkets gifted to her by loved ones, a picture of her and her parents on a trip to disney when she was 10, a locket given to her by her first significant other, gifts given to her by fans. first love ( celeb crush ):  lenny kravitz usual mood:  upbeat, happy. 1 thing they want to do / experience before they die:  go on a year long vacation with friends and explore the world.  character inspo: blossom ( powerpuff girls ), alice cullen ( twilight saga ), luna lovegood ( harry potter series ), elle woods ( legally blonde ).

B A C K G R O U N D

childhood: dasom was born in manhattan, new york to a record producer father and vocal coach / former broadway star mother, so music has always been apart of her life. she's the eldest of three children, two girls including herself and a younger brother. she spent her childhood in elite private schools and being vocally trained by her own mother. when she reached the age of twelve, she was scouted by a korean music label that wanted her to be a trainee for them. with her parents' support, she moved to south korea at the age of thirteen and started training. while living in seoul, she stayed with her mother's parents until moving into the idol dorms.

adolescence: dasom debuted at the young, ripe age of fifteen; though she wasn't the youngest in her group. despite her young age, she was one of two main vocalists, apart of the group's dance line, and the center/face of the group. her group quickly gained success and notoriety, not just in south korea, but in asia as a whole ( think girls' generation type vibes ), and with their rising popularity, dasom's personal popularity with the general public grew even more. by the time she was seventeen, her face was plastered on billboards in both south korea and japan ( the country with their second largest fanbase ). but with her popularity, came a lot of hate and negativity as well. there's never any good without bad, and she was experiencing that firsthand.

early twenties: her group was at the height of their career, and then it all went to shit when dasom was twenty years old. she went through a pretty rough break up with her first significant other, and in their anger, they leaked nude photos of her to netizens and the scandal took south korea by a storm. she went from being a national sweetheart to public enemy number one. and the worst part about it was that she was being blamed for it, and her ex didn't get nearly as much hate as she did. although they weren't in the public eye as much as her, they were still known because they were apart of an extremely wealthy family. she just assumed that their wealth and family's influence helped them get off scot-free. meanwhile, her career as a k-pop idol was practically ruined. her company dropped her before the group could suffer anymore than it already had, leaving her jobless.

but she was still determined to continue making music, despite being virtually blacklisted in the k-pop industry. she hopped on a plane back to the states and used connections through her parents in order to secure herself a record deal. on her twenty first birthday the following year in 2015, she released her first solo album. that was also the year that she began her acting career. although she doesn't dabble in it too much, it is something that she enjoys doing every so often.

from that point onwards, it seemed as though everything that dasom, now known as summer, touched turned to gold. she was becoming a household name due to her music, and she loved that people seemed to enjoy her so much. however, what she didn't love, was the negativity that came along with it. being the positive, upbeat and slightly naive, woman that she is, it was easy for her to fall into the trap of consuming online comments and allow it to affect her mental health and stability. and while she tries to keep her positive mindset, it does get overwhelming for her at times. more often than not, actually.

currently: now at the age of twenty-eight, she's still making music, acting and apart of the elite world. it's still taking a toll on her mental health wise, but she's been going to therapy and taking medications for her anxiety and depression, which helps keeps her on the right path - most of the time. she has her days where she falls into a slump and doesn't want to face the world. that's when she dives headfirst into her music and pours her all into her art.

C O N N E C T I O N S

friend / relative of her ex that leaked her nudes: self explanatory.

ex ( multiple ): dasom is a lover through and through, so it's not surprising that she's had a few relationships here and there. some lasting longer than others.

fwb ( multiple ): a girl's got needs, and this person never fails to fulfill them whenever she calls on them and vice versa.

inspo: dasom's written songs about / for this person before.

past / future music collaborators: self explanatory.

best friend / platonic soulmate: the peanut butter to dasom's jelly. the patrick to dasom's spongebob. the milk to dasom's cereal.

bad influence: self explanatory.

backbone builder: this person is responsible for helping build up dasom's backbone and help her be less averse to confrontation and stand up for herself more.

tug-of-war: these two go back and forth. one minute they're going on outings and dates and are all cuddled up, then the next they're arguing and fussing. a hot and cold type of relationship that dasom can't seem to get out of. they care for each other, but whenever they try to be anything more than friends, it falls apart.

practically roommates ( multiple ): dasom has a large townhouse in the city, but she hates being by herself. with that being the case, she's always inviting this person over to spend time with her so she won't be alone.

music confidant ( multiple ): someone that dasom works on music with / shares demos of songs she's recorded. she gets ideas from them for her unfinished songs, and she's always willing to give them a helping hand with music when they hit rough spots with their creativity too.

C A R E E R

music ( albums ): yours truly ( 2015 ), my everything ( 2017 ), dangerous woman ( 2020 ), sweetener ( 2022 ).

music ( singles ): the way ; baby i ( 2015 ), right there [ album: yours truly ]; problem ( 2016 ), break free ; bang bang ( 2017 ), love me harder ; one last time [ album: my everything ] ( 2018 ), focus [ non-album single ] ; dangerous woman ( 2019 ), into you ; side to side ( 2020 ) ; everyday [ album: dangerous woman ] ( 2021 ), no tears left to cry ( 2022 ), breathin [ album: sweetner ] ( 2023 ) upcoming: god is a woman ( unknown date, 2023 ).

acting ( television ): scream queens as sonya / chanel #2 ( 2015 ), hairspray live! as penny ( 2016 ).

acting ( movies ): underdogs as laura, voice role ; zoolander 2 as latex bdsm ( 2016 ), don't look up as riley bina ( 2021 ), wicked: part 1 as glinda ( 2024, filming ), wicked: part 2 as glinda ( 2025, filming ).

ambassadorships: versace, givenchy, chanel, tiffany & co.

[larrythefloridaman]

Rewatch notes update! Cpuk 12-14! These notes are getting Dense as i have to resist the urge to give play by plays. The P. Rool arc sits below the cut.

CPUK12! j0hn intro ep of sode <3

Johannsen's champion ruleset is kept a secret at first, but as im sure you'll remember, was 'i get to fight in all round 3s. because im boredt im here to scrap not sit around in the champion's suite.'

Introduces team calibur as the team of disrespect and Possible Evil. Korioni the ice dragon from hell being the first calibur contestant post crimson is very funny to me especially because it's the Chill head talking in this episode. Hell has no ice but hes just vibing with it. Ryan: "Squid Jenny tried to go down and ask like 'whats your story?' and all she got was 'I'm an ice dragon from hell.'" Comona: "no big deal." Ryan: "He's not like 'YOU ALL WILL SUFFER, BLEGH' hes just like 'yeah im from hell. dont worry about it.' Comona: "like 2000s neopets rp boards." Korioni: "grass grows, birds fly, and brother? I'm from hell." Chill head's Dramatic And Aggro brother getting retroactively vagued about

Spaghebbi <3 Comona has heard of her, from when she applied to the tournament, looking over her resume, and she uses the stage name spaghebbi to advertise her restaurant of the same name to boost her brand.

Team charm, Pixel! Fashionable funny doggie here to look good and give the world a show.

Team clutch, Jacob. Normal suburban 11 year old who plays fortnite that acquired special powers after killing real actual ganondorf from the legend of zelda. He's the nephew of Somebody in cpu kerfuffle. Jay's submission information: 'also jacob's like. Stupid. Like REALLY stupid even for an 11 year old.' Guess we know why he didn't notice anything was weird considering the guy he's the protege of, punished k. rool, isn't actually there but rather Some Guy Stealing His Identity,

Team Chonk P. Rool! Plumb <3 As we eventually learn the intro information on p. rool is only applicable to the guy he stole the identity of. But the real punished k. rool is a rude ass chaos fiend who's scales dulled to brown after enduring a punishing training arc. 

Team cones! John my beloved <3 Comona: "Everybody knows Hackers are meant to be disruptive, to lurk in the shadows but Hackerman John not exactly the kind of hacker people would think him to be. He has his very very long universal key- the Skeleton Key if you would- but he doesn't just use it to hack, but he also uses it to slice and dice. He'll hack but you're gonna know he's coming." Ryan: "but you know what key he uses the most right?" Comona: "which ones that?" Ryan, doing a shulk impression: "BACKSLASH!"

Team Cross, johnathan joestar. Jojokes. Gentlemanliness.

Team Craken, Duke Salad! King of the crop. That thing's straight up just some lettuce Hoedown and Patch grew that came to life <3

Exhibition match- Johannsen vs. Blond Sora! Ryan realizes he hasnt put johannsen into the system yet and comona and Ryan joke about maybe needing john to help out with fixing the overlays

Duke salad v. P. Rool - P. Rool's infamous comeback potential is first described RIGHT out the gate. Comona: "when you're fighting P. Rool and you're in the lead, you don't want to give him time to consider the last time he got his ass beat, you don't want to let him imagine that wall because he will use those feelings." Haha yeah he sure will. Several tournaments of forced losses will sure as fuck give him Some Feelings To Use.

Duke Salad nearly zeroes to death the first stock of the second match and P. Rool dunks him anyway for a 2-0. Comona: "P. Rool THRIVES when he's behind."

Pixel vs. Johnathan. Commentators still nervous about Johannsen's special secret rule. Jojokes abound. Pixel is trying too hard to style on johnathan. Pixel gets 2-0'd and three stocked, and Johnathan finds his tenacity inspiring. Pixel: "dont patronize me." But he isnt hes just earnest like that

Hackerman John vs. The Ice Dragon From Hell, Korioni. A joke is made about John sounding like Patrick Warburton, which. god. god no. Awful. /lh 

Ryan: "See, I've played enough Overwatch to know you don't actually need compatible technology to hack, you can just go LEGS? HACKED, COMBAT ROLL? HACKED, FLASH GRENADE? HACKED."

They land in reset bomb forest for match one and Ryan says Korioni casually burned this village down because it was full of sinners, You Know How It Is, and now uses the burnt space as a vacation home. Huh.

Comona: "my favorite part about hackerman john is the way that he actually hacks his own body, like he bulks up his muscles and a variety of other various things. The weird part about it is he's not even a cyborg or anything he just hacks… muscles." Ryan: "taking tips from Sombra." lol. lmao

They go stock for stock, despite commentators concerned at the start that John would, as a simple mortal hacker, have trouble dealing with An Actual Literal Dragon. Korioni is also confused by this. Korioni: "why is this Mortal giving me so many problems what is his Deal?" John bullies immortals for fun moments <3

J0hn activates Glass Cannon Protocol (smash art) last stock high percents and goes 'either im hitting and winning or getting hit and losing. either way im making it end here' and Comona admires the gumption even though it costs john the match. John's Decisive Straightforwardness is probably something Larry admires about him honestly, considering how much more fidget-y about what-ifs he seemed to be before they were together, based on the nccts. Guy who "knows exactly who he is and what he wants to be" (cpuk17) for sure.

Also, commentators use she/her a few times for Korioni in addition to he/him, or at least, as canon later establishes them as a hydra, the Normal Chill Guy head. (nccts making it clear this head's individual name is Jonny. Lot of johns and jons in this tournament. CPU Kerfuffle, shockingly, one of the only shows ive enjoyed with a somewhat realistic amount of Johns.) Good for her!

John doesn't do so hot in the first match or the start of the second, but starts playing dirty and quickly, disrespectfully turns the set around. The first round three of the tournament reveals Johannsen's special rule- The Rat Fights in All Round Threes, at a lower cpu level. (Its funny to me that every time ryan wants to nerf a character he lowers the cpu levels but like. That doesnt make them Weaker it makes them Dumber, which sometimes is Advantageous- there's a brief terrifying moment where johannsen is in the lead despite being lower leveled because sometimes a lower level cpu will go for plays a level 9 would be too smart to go for or expect and sometimes, that pays off!) Anyhow. John utilizes the rat as a distraction to make easier work of Korioni. Korioni's a little scared of the rat.

Comona: "John must have paused the game to get that tech because that was IMPOSSIBLE." There's a joke about John's 'hackerman eyes' and him getting visions of the Very Immediate future and skipping them if they're just not interesting enough. Understanding in retrospect why I got so attached to The Visor as a design element. Also, Quad, in a later episode: "I can't see the future. Yet." Why you holding out on the man, John? Gonna share the precog software with the rest of the class? Anyway. potentially another drop of evidence in my 'sensitivity to/ability to manipulate/perceive the script is generally perceived as Weird Psychic Phenomena by the denizens of the cpukverse but doesn't seem to be Known About, Understood or Believed In outside specific circles' worldbuilding speculation bucket

Jacob vs. Spaghebbi. Spaghebbi replaced her arms with spaghetti. Jacob is an 11 yr old that plays fortnite. He feels Exactly like captain falcon when he wipes out tilted towers. Jacob is the kind of kid to eat microwave chicken nuggets off of the fine china. Comona and Ryan chatter nervously about how it feels almost like theyre watching a real person play as Spaghebbi plays with her food. They feel like Spaghebbi could pass the turing test. Jacob gets spaghetti sauced on. 

Losers bracket! Duke Salad vs. Pixel. Ryan: "so. who do you think is going to win, and Be Nice About it." Comona: "to put this lightly- as lightly as possible to be kind as i can… after Pixel's SHAMEFUL display in winners bracket, i don't see pixel standing a CHANCE against duke salad. If i put it any lighter than that I would be telling you lies."

Johnathan taught Pixel Hamon and Pixel did much better against the Duke than expected in their first match. I don't know enough about jojos to comment on this. Pixel and the Duke go stock for stock in match 2, and Duke takes it. Game Three. Rat Time. Ryan: "From what I know about Pixel, they're gonna get tilted by the rat, but maybe their training with Johnathan has made them a little more patient."

The Red Kraken visits Patch farms often, but Duke Salad's never ridden on their ship, the Crimson Melody. Duke salad makes the match a 2v1 and takes johannsen and pixel stocks in a killstreak. Duke Salad's patience is emphasized, between poison cloud and the special cannonball move, and takes Pixel's last stock.

Korioni vs. Jacob. Jacob just wandered in here and fought a restaurant owner and is now fighting An Ice Dragon From Hell. 11yr old fortnite player vs. A Dragon. Ryan: "equal power."

Yoshi's Island. Comona: "ah, this is where korioni actually grew up, when they were a young wyrmling." Ryan: "yeah, before The Great Catastrophe. You'll see the great catastrophe later on I'm sure." Korioni: "you are 11 years old? It's cute that you have a concept of time." 

Ryan: "I love the lore with Korioni right now, she's just an eldritch being but she's like. Incredibly Chill about it. Pun intended." Comona: "completely intended."

Korioni is getting her ass beaten by an 11 year old because Kori keeps trying to outplay jacob and stumbling into failure. Jacob is not winning, korioni is losing, crucial difference. Korioni starts bringing it back, until Jacob fucking Gets Him offstage. Comona: "the dragon's pride is often their downfall."

(Knocking on door) Are You Winning Son? Jacob, with his single bouncing screensaver braincell: "yeah im winning i Love bloodsport!"

Second match, Korioni's home turf, Hell. Korioni loses her first stock in less than 20 seconds. Comona says Jacob's gotta be scouted for esports teams soon looking at these plays.

Korioni's losing the spirit to fight and goes yknow what? Maybe I should just leave the fighting to the kids and go continue being An Awesome Dragon From Hell instead, maybe cpu kerfuffle just isn't for me. Jonny gave it a go and isnt interested in showing up again. As we see later though, his siblings/other heads however…

Korioni and Pixel go for coffee as the first guys out. Comona: "I'd love to see a just… ice dragon from hell. At starbucks." Ryan: "yeah, with this fashion gay wolf." Comona: "power couple." Ryan: "we should leave the gossip to squid jenny." huh. pixel/jonny. donkey and dragon from shrek type beat

P. Rool vs Johnathan Joestar. Comona suggests Jojo's nurturing empathy and Punished K. Rool, who thrives on punishment, are bound to clash over fundamentally opposed ideals. As we know, this isnt actually punished k. rool but Plum, who's 'thriving when punished' comeback factor is more fueled by rage than anything. Match goes about as they usually do for Plum- hes losing at first, down to the wire, and then firmly Doesn't. Death by chonk. Lot of jojokes i do not understand. Johnathan homie stocks while down a game. Ryan suggests it was so his lead doesn't stay too big and activates Prool's punishment complex. Comona: "P. Rool functions on revenge and revenge alone, and Johnathan knows better than to let him tap into those selfishly driven emotions. P. Rool still does his stupid comeback thing. For the fourth time. Ryan's start of darkness, almost whining: "die already..." Comona: "this is- this is rapidly approaching plot armor levels of ridiculous."

John vs. Spaghebbi. Comona: "for all intents and purposes if someone didnt know what this was, you'd walk up to these two and these are just two people fighting in the streets, like whats going on, but despite these two's normal, grassroots upbringings, these are two formidable opponents. I'm reminded of the dragonball world fighting tournaments- these are people who just fight as a hobby and enjoy it and testing their abilities."

Comona: "johns a very sneaky player, i always feel like johns getting sauced and then i actually look and percents are even." Ryan: "hes very funny because he'll look like hes getting his ass kicked and then hes just. winning." John survives past 200% on his first stock without using Shield Protocol.

John chokes last minute in their second match, throwing because He Wanted The Rat. He Has Chosen The Rat. Guy who is Completely Willing and Unphased By the prospect of embarrassing himself if it means getting to see a lil guy. Its suggested this was an attempt at a strategic play but if it was it did Not work out. He wanted to see a little guy. lets be honest. Spaghebbi's playing loose, cutting loose, putting on her fucking footloose. Feet, foot feet, dance on your fucking feet.

The giants from majora's mask are hired on staff to keep the moon from crashing into the beach. 

Comona: "Hackerman John's gonna need to hire some help to get through this one." Ryan audibly struggles to confidently remember Dan's name to make a joke about John hiring him. John gets very close to bringing it back, but ultimately spaghebbi takes it. 

Chat member: "Hackerman John and Shapeshifter Larry. Gay?" Ryan, with an air of mystery: "who knows?" the seed is planted.

Jojo v. Jacob. A gentleman must always shake hands first. Jacob knows jojo memes and nothing else about it. Jojo loses a stock second match at 10 seconds in. Jacob really really really likes upsmashes. This set is mostly direct match commentary. People chant and beg and PLEAD for the rat and they get what they want. Jojo, Jacob, Johannsen. J. Jacob wins.

Chat member: "what is Johannsen's Last name?" Ryan: "no idea, have to get squid jenny to check on that." There's speculation in chat about Johannsen being, in some sense, a jojo,

Hackerman John vs. Duke Salad. John loses his first stock VERY fast. You can't hack a plant. It's not allowed. It doesn't work. John loses first match spectacularly. Ryan is getting a report from the field. Ryan: "Hackerman John's showing some weird signs of… something, he's panting really hard, he's sweating a lot according to Squid Jenny- maybe if this goes to round three we'll see what's going on." John manages to pull ahead and take round 2.

Ryan: "update on the report from the field from Jenny, the sweating from hackerman John has continued, and with that successful victory, he's making an announcement to everybody. Let me make sure I'm hearing this right- 'time to reveal the true form.' I don't know what that means but I get the feeling we're about to find out." Strangest part of this is how much effort it appears to take for John to… whatever this is. He changes form pretty casually later and it doesn't seem like maintaining his human-looking appearance takes him any active effort in later appearances, nor do I see why it would, so my best guess is he's psyching himself up to do the Robot Reveal and. maybe powering through having a bit of a panic attack about it? In nccts terms this is extra interesting because this is the moment on a narrative level he's first established as robotic in nature and as gaiden 2 and then the nccts later establish this means, script-sensitive, which j0hn explicitly mistakes for/processes as anxiety, so this must've Felt Pretty Weird.

Anyhow, introducing- Hackerbot J0hn! With a freshly minted zero in his name. In a sudden turn of events, the reason he can augment himself so freely is because he's a robot that can hack other bots. And its round three, so there's also a Rat In The Mix. Duke Salad: "...I just fucking work here, man." 

J0hn, now working with the fullness of his robotic potential, still is not used to it even a little bit and does not do well. Drawbacks of not using your fucked up science-granted powers unless you think you need them for practical reasons- having MUCH less practice at using them than your boyfriend who uses his every ten minutes for fun or because he cant help it, I suppose. He's still hacking himself on the fly but in a very different style, Ryan says. He's actively less effective in combat in his 'true form' than he is in his human 'disguise,' but J0hn's just happy to have shown off his true self to the world and heads off to relax and get coffee. Ryan: "He can't drink it, but he's gonna go get it." 😔

Winners Finals. Prool vs. Spaghebbi. Round one goes to prool and its stupid and makes ryan understandably angry. Ryans asking the referees to double check and make sure all that was legal, and it seems to be. Round 2 goes similarly, even with Spaghebbi trying to play defensively against Prool's comeback power. Ryan admits as Spaghebbi loses 2-0 that he doesnt want Prool to be champion and, after saying he shouldn't metagame, that he cant just make him ditch to go back to his home dimension like dani, he says, no, fuck it, he doesnt want Prool to be champion, and hes willing to cheat to stop it from happening. 

Round one is thrown out with concerns about the legitimacy of the win on grounds of Prool pulling some fuckshit. Spaghebbi is given another match with him to set the record for real. Spaghebbi was perfectly fine with losing, but the refs called her out for a redo and she wasn't going to turn down another shot at winning. Prool is starting to get irritated with this- the refs gave their first round the a-okay already, why do they have to redo it anyway? Regardless, Prool fully confirms his 2-0.

Jacob vs. Duke salad. Mostly just match commentary, but a very fun set. Duke Salad's got his eyes on a rematch with Prool. 'Duke, you killed a child… Amazing!'

Duke Salad vs Spaghebbi. FOOD FIGHT. Round one on fountain of dreams. Very even, very steady very tense. Ryan's blatant bias is for duke salad, and the duke takes match one. Round 2 goes to Spaghebbi. Rat Time. Johannsen does very little and Spaghebbi wins.

Grand finals. Spaghebbi and Prool rematch. Getting a report from the field before the first round- Duke Salad has given Spaghebbi a gift. A House Salad, from the duke himself. She eats the salad and throws herself into the first match with Prool. 

Spaghebbi gets the first stock even after a cannonball to the head. Prool's comeback potential looms. Spaghebbi takes it to a last stock situation and Ryan holds his breath, trying not to hope, and he was right not to. Prool takes it last second despite Spaghebbi's huge percent lead. Ryan cant even bear to comment.

Round 2. Green Greens. Ryan keeps trying not to have hope Spaghebbi will take this so he wont be disappointed, his biases now fully, shamelessly on display, having turned against Prool entirely. Chat Member: "Hangry, red, villainous, anyone else think something's up?" Ryan: "...hm. i dont wanna make any assumptions, but…"

Ryan admits to being salty as chat comments on his deafening silence watching Prool and Spaghebbi fight, fully convinced she's going to lose. Hes right. she does. Prool wins.

Ryan openly declares he will not allow prool to become champion as he queues up the championship match. Ryan, talking out of his ass: "I know what you did, Punished K. Rool. I know. And I'm not letting you do it here." ← this is nothing and goes nowhere. he is using his powers of storytelling to say fuck this lizard because he doesnt want him to win <3

Hes too mad to even commentate about johannsen losing to Prool. He is grumbling and grouching and salty and peeved. 

Its time to break some rules! And so an exception is enshrined IN the rules- fuck prool. prool is jumped by a collection of competitors to be prevented from taking his earned championship- Johannsen, Captain Valentine, Big Yopper, Spaghebbi, Duke Salad, Rights Sentience, and Mario from Super Mario. Most of them are said to be there for revenge of some kind in a very handwavey sense, rights is supposedly there because Prool is 'an affront to rights,' ironic given this whole exchange is the tournament wrenching away Prool's rightfully earned win on a basis of 'fuck that guy in particular.' I assume while revenge is the blanket statement the real motive for the participating parties here is another chance at championship despite the breach of rules and fairness, not unlike Spaghebbi's unearned redo, and not unlike the competitors apparently devolving into mad max shenanigans offscreen when the champion's seat was left 'unclaimed' during the hiatus. (it was captain crimsons. but this was apparently left unacknowledged for 'fuck that guy' reasons which like. Is justified in a vacuum but is and has Become even more kinda retroactively weirdly targeted over time in a way as the comedically driven moral double standard about murder in the show reveals itself, as is hilariously demonstrated by the commentators discussing letting the Grunk, himself manslaughtered and brought back which everyone hates crimson for, just attack and/or kill whoever he wants if it's funny in the next season and as is briefly discussed in the nccts. Murder is okay but only if we like you and its funny 👍)

Ryan had fun watching him get ganged up on. Valentine gets the last hit in, and the three characters who got kills on prool enter a four player free for all with him and whoever wins gets championship. Ryan: "if Prool wins this one, I promise I will accept it. Just kidding I'll pull some other bullshit because im a bitch baby The Real Championship Begins!"

Captain Valentine wins, finally getting his groove back after 11. Captain Valentine: "Fuck That Rat!" Ryan: "Honestly? To be fair? Right now? You know what, I think Captain Valentine's just happy that in the end he doesnt have to fight that FUCKING rat again." 

Ryan throws that rat at him for shits and giggles. Apparently this fight is happening because Val just wants to put his pride back together. He is doing worse than last time at first, but hes developing a begrudging respect for the little fella, and manages to pull out a win. Ryan promises Prool can come back next tournament and try again, for the sake of fairness, and dont worry chat, he has a plan.

CPUK13! ryan catches jay and comona up to speed. Jay, punished k. rool and jacob came from another universe. They had tickets for the Dimensional Plane (GOOD pun, and also very funny confirmation that the bus is not the only means of public interdimensional transport. In the nccts universes are implied to have some element of physical proximity/distance between universes to account for with regard to travel time, what with nelson warp not being instantaneous and such. so i suppose it makes sense there might be different forms of dimensional transport accommodating for said travel time, planes are faster long distance than cars and all,) but jay couldnt go. Punished K. Rool was such a heel however that noone wanted him to win, so there was a 7v1 to stop him from becoming champion. Jay: "yeah thats about accurate to what i expected."

Ryan: "now, this was a very big breach of The Rules, and the Iggy Collective elected, in the interest of fairness, to invite P. Rool back to try again, along with some other people." 'In the interest of fairness' is the Funniest way that could be put because whats fair about that. You blocked him from becoming champion as a group Just Because You Dont Like Him, and then tell him 'you can go ahead and try again if you want!' With full intent to do it again if he wins. Like thats not fairness you are playing matador and P. Rool is an angry bull for whom there is no winstate. "We'll let you win if you can win when we won't let you win."

Jay, talking about Punished: "Prool is a really good fighter, and yknow nobody likes to acknowledge that hes a really good fighter, because he's just an asshole. Hes the biggest heel. He counter picks to stages he wont even win on because he just wants to piss you off. He'll turn items on when its illegal." Ryan: "damn. What an asshole. We all hate him." Plum does not understand why everyone hates him so much, alas hes been mistaken for Some Guy Who Sucks whose behavior he obliviously resembles 😔

Zagreeus, from Hayds! Zagreeus is a 14 yr old edgy bi kid that loves and kins zagreus from hayds. His submission information states that he found zagreus's plight with his parents and life in darkness relatable, and has tried to summon gods before, failing every time but once, when a god took pity on him and didnt want him burning down his parents garage with a gasoline summoning circle. Some unnamed goddess granted him the powers he wanted, and with them, and equipped with his power glove (which is So Bad, and that he uses to play hayds,) he joined cpu kerfuffle. Okay so what id remembered about him kinning zagreus so hard he developed his powers either wasnt exactly accurate or that's how the commentators simplify it later or smthn because Wow

Matrimony Knight! Just likes marriage, especially gay marriage. Ryan princess bride mawwiage bit is going to happen All Night.

Genwun! My miserable little clown submission. Ngl when i submitted them i had No idea how bad some people's experiences with genwunners were, they were just A Bizarre Subset of Nostalgia Blind Internet Weirdos With Absurd Beliefs that i knew existed in the abstract but had never met any. Regardless, they get better though and genfour has evolved normal opinions about pokemon and willingness to accept the progression of time. they're my one and only cringefail submission and I do love them.

Chili's! Ryan: "I can't imagine what other restaurant chain a Red Robin would represent." Comona: "yeah, me either." Chili's will get so very angry with you if you label her as any other restaurant. The commentators react with confusion to Jay implying red robin was ever a restaurant that existed, and jay says it must be something that only exists in his dimension. It's all Chili's now. The family coming of age rites name change domination of a new restaurant thing established in cpuk 23 truly be rewriting history huh

Machiavelli! Submission information states: Machiavelli is a science project using the tournament as field practice for testing and creating the perfect killing machine, though it is sometimes very clueless, self-destructive and dimwitted in its actions and lacking knowledge. It adapts to mimic it's opponents fighting styles to learn as combat progresses. Exact sentience unknown, although its intelligence appears to sit somewhere between a child and a dog, loyally following the command of its 'owners,' but shows enough free will to act unprompted in pursuit of its own aimless whims. As for what Machiavelli is, and what he is made for, that information is as of yet unknown.

Twist! The mage aboard the red kraken and first member of the red kraken proper to appear. 

Sephiroth. Just The Real Sephiroth from Final Fantasy 7 and remake. Ryan: "now you might be asking, 'why is he HERE?'" Jay: "do you think we could STOP HIM?! do you think WE know?!" He was not invited, he just showed up. Johannsen was gonna fight but Sephiroth was like *One-Winged Angel plays* (which follows him around like an aura) and Johansen was like *porky pig stammer* w. well Okay-

Sephiroth's comically long sword apparently pierced the hull of the Dimensional Plane and jay apologizes for possibly having brought this upon us all. I think sephiroth's sword should be like doug dimmadome's hat. Infinitely long so that you cant see the end of it whenever its funny for it to be that way

UPS Founder vs. Jacob exhibition match. Not much to comment on here, mostly just plain match commentary.

First match- Sephiroth vs. Chili's. Jay remarks nervously upon chili's resemblance to aerith, while discussing their hopes for the tournaments winners and Valentine's rule changes as champion- cutting a bunch of the weirder, messier stages off the list to leave mostly more clean, traditional ones. Chili's spellbook is a menu and her spells are named after menu items. Thoron is the bigmouth burger. Chili's down-aerithed him into hell <3 sephiroth, unamused: "puns are the lowest form of comedy." She remains rent free in his head the entire second round sending sephiroth to losers Immediately.

Jay: "does Chili's serve wings?" Ryan: "of course it does its a bar and grill, everywhere serves wings." Jay: "well it certainly does now!!" Ryan, getting it: "but only one wing." Comona: "you only get one. Choose Your Sauce Wisely."

Twist vs. Zagreeus. Extended bit about zagreeus being on a bad run and pronouncing greek gods names and things like weapons weird. zayus. Arr-TEM-is. Po-sedd-in. Shy-eld. Spee-are.

Comona: "zagreeus is failing the skill check, how did twist learn to fight like this?" Ryan: "she was born with it. And she may have absorbed the power of an eldritch god but thats beside the point."

Zagreeus loses hard first round. Jay: "if im zagreeus at this point im pulling out the cheat engine." Ryan: "you think so?" Comona: "i dont think the situations that dire yet, lets give him a little credit." Zag manages to take the second round on Gamer, as something of a gamer.

Jay: "if zagreeus is the son of hayds, then the son of zayus would be hercules?" (pronounced like molecules) Ryan: "no, its herakles, obviously" twist dunks zagreeus

Ryan starts queueing up p. rool and Jay pops off so hard it sounds like he stuck his microphone in his mouth. Jay: "im sorry. I get excited." 

Then machi gets queued up! Baby's first match, quick get the camera. Machi is small and light and Jay expresses concern for his ability to survive P. Rool's heavy hits. Jay: "of course, i have no reason to assume hes lightweight considering he's completely original and resembles no other character." Comona: "as much as i'd like to say Machi will pull out a win here, and I do think he'll get off to a hot start. P. Rool always comes back. Like a boomerang."

Ryan is trying to have hope P. Rool will lose. Jay makes the first comment suggesting something is amiss with regard to Punished K. Rool, saying that P. Rool as he knew him HAD been a huge heel but after eating a loss he'd gone away for awhile and when he returned, he'd thought he'd grown, showing his stuff as an incredibly good but much fairer fighter, and that this regression into heeldom is… odd. Machi's like one of the only fighters ive seen consistently dodge pretty successfully with plum's stupid fucking gun. Powerful little dodgebeast. Got SO close to beating p. rool first round. Machiavelli is so powerful and perfect and also balling <3

The second match is so frustrating because machi is working so hard. and i know it's for naught. Anyway its very funny that they describe Machi's battle prowess as 'playing 5D Chess' when babygirl you KNOW he's eating pieces. A close, exciting game.

Matri vs. Genwun. Jay: "having only played one game in their entire life, I think genwun's experiences- theyre pretty limited, having only played pokemon red and blue. I feel like Genwun's gonna lack the matchup knowledge they're gonna need here that they'd have if they played Literally Any Other Video Game or watched anything but Star Wars."

Ryan clarifies again for someone in chat that Iggy and his collective of friends and companions are the showrunners, staff currently including Squid Jenny as field reporter and Home MD as the field medic.

P. Rool hungrybox at the grocery store copypasta

Matri and Genwun slug it out. Comona: "this match is just- The idealism of being together forever for the rest of your life vs.-" Ryan: "being a genwunner." Comona: "I was gonna say never branching out and being alone your entire life." Ryan, more insistently: "yeah, being a genwunner."

Comona, after Matri takes first stock hard: "that is the only time genwun is ever gonna get something put up his ass." GOD!!!!!!!!!!

Jay: "read that like he was reading their vows!" Matri (Comona): "i do promise to WRECK your ASS in SMASH, in Sickness and in Health," Ryan: "matrimony knight can see the FUTURE hes going 'This Will End In Divorce' and then Finishing It!" Jay: "that was not the matchup of two people who have never met, i think these two have Fought Before, these two have a History." They share no words before starting another fight, and genwun looks pissed.

Matri is said to be steel/fairy type, neither of which being things Genwun understands. Also its noted gender wasnt introduced until gen 2 outside the nidorans, ergo why genwun does not participate. Beloved cringe ass loser nonbiney submission of mine. Genwun gets 2-0'd. 

Sephiroth vs. Zagreeus. Sephiroth gets his makeup from sephora. Jay: "I would love nothing more than for Sephiroth to have stowed away in my trunk, forced himself into the competition and then just got stomped." It took way too long for like the third hit to land, they dance around eachother a lot. They discuss some confusion over the exact functionality of Sephiroth's wing mechanic. Jay: "I mean, its not like this is a game or anything we could just ask sephiroth-" Zagreeus reflects a flare killing sephiroth instantly before he can finish the bit. Despite some striking plays from zag he still firmly loses match one.

Zagreeus is adept in minecraft, sephiroth is a nineties kid ill equipped for modern gaming, despite Sephiroths best efforts zag takes first stock and gets so close to taking the second before seph finishes the match with a commanding comeback. sephiroth does Not congratulate him for doing his best but zag just gives a thumbs up to the rest of the fighters and heads to the cafe to relax. Zag got such a tough hand, dealt twist and sephiroth back to back, lil man fought SO hard

Genwun vs. Machiavelli. Genwun struggles to respect and consider their opponents playstyles for adaptation. Machiavelli doesn't respect his opponents not out of malice but because hes a baby that doesn't comprehend how or why he should.

First match takes place on the Unova Pokemon League. Genwun, upon seeing Shaymin: "the fucks that green thing." Machi LOVES to fake people out with the rock. Genwun doesnt get threestocked but gets sauced on so hard that an Event occurs anyway. They meet up with Matri to discuss something. Genwun has been given pokemon platinum on Nintendo DS. Time dilation occurs, (jay says it might be a side effect of him visiting from his dimension? More space and time intertwined-ness,) genwun speedruns the entirety of pokemon platinum in a near instant, watching the lucario movie while making dinner in the middle of this temporary time bubble and transforms into Genfour. Comona suggests they saw shaymin in the background and were like 'i… dont know that one but… i kinda like it…' and decided finally to give more things a try.

One-winged angel plays. Machi: "why do i hear boss music." Genfour's newfound excitement for new things powers them to take like. the only match they ever have <3 as jay says, genfour might make a friend, something genwun never had, and that friend might just be machiavelli!

Megalovania duck hunt. Genfour looks at retro games and says No. Im Clean Now. Nostalgia was their drug of choice and they Want No Part Of It anymore they want to be a Well Rounded Being Now. 

Comona: "im gonna be real with you i need genfour to win this one, I need genfour to see, purely, the joy in living for the future with other people." Jay: "living your life as it is right in front of you, not restricting yourself in the past." Fun thematic foreshadowing for the rest of the season, methinks, given the coming arc villain, introduced in the next episode and Machi's creator, Dr. O's whole 'gifted kid gone rotten' situation, for what is a gifted kid gone rotten but someone who grew up thinking they were special and better than other people and people used to KNOW that and could not accept the reality when they grew up that they are, in fact, just like any other person. (Reinforced by her ironic fate banished into the distant past and further reinforced by the nccts, where she was explicitly still hung up on high school bullshit.) Cue larry coming in swinging with the revelation to break her- that Some Broke Stupid Petty Criminal Cunt from the Grocery Store with enough Patience Determination Resilience and Willingness to Change and Adapt can do exactly what she does and Better when just given the opportunity because she isn't special <3

Genfour loses, but Machi follows them to the cafe to hang out a while. friends!! Its suggested in his submission info in gaiden 2, iirc, that genfour's original mewtwo form served as 'inspiration' for chessmaster's creation, and unlike Plus he wasn't treated as Brand New, so it feels safe to assume Mach 2 was made sometime between this episode and then- and the first time Dr. Order decided to show herself in the tournament instead of sending experiments or assistants and observing is the next episode. not all her creations go straight to tournament when created- Crimsonaut being Crimson's 'respawn point' and next host following being exorcised from the captain, Order's initial study of Crimson samples from the Grunk's corpse mentioned in the nccts, his created purpose and cover story for hosting crimson, and his being paired with the dimensional bus which has referenced usage in season one suggests both that he at least slightly predates cpuk11 and that direct combat was never what he was made for so there was no reason for him to be involved in it until dr. O needed to stock a full tourney, but Mach 2 was a second iteration of her attempts to make the Ultimate Fighter. Did Mach 2 maybe… do poorly enough in some kind of preliminary testing she didn't even bother sending him to tournament and took that slot herself instead? and was that why she was so particularly harsh to him, despite his not rebelling like Google? Much to think about 

Twist vs. Chilis! The queen of the 5$ margarita and the purple pajama'd mage of the red kraken. They go stock for stock but Chili's is unbreakable. Chat: "after this can they go on a date to the cafe"

Comona: "you gotta remember to watch your back going into an applebees after all this." Jay: "yeah cuz chili's is gonna be right behind you tapping on your shoulder like-" Chili's: "are you sure about that?"

Comona follows this bit with a firm disclaimer not to allow cpu kerfuffle characters to create real-life brand loyalties to things that don't care about you and that the commentators dont really care about either. And that by the way for chili's pricepoint just going to a good local place instead is just practicing self-care, honestly. responsible commentating. 

Again twist and chilis go stock for stock, Chili's losing the second round. Mostly match commentary, but theyre some very entertainingly intense matches. Ryan talks a bit about the Taco Mac clause. Theres some fesh pince jokes in there. Round 3 is similar, with more jokes about the Chili's menu. Serving loaded potato skins. Twist is tipping the waiter with a boot to the head. Twist takes it.

Ryan: "people in chat are shipping twist and chili's which- I will say, the character twist is based on is, i think, ace, but this also is a separate continuity- ive got several continuities- so i'm leaving the shipping up to you guys." Comona: "yeah, any headcanons, any fanons- and, I mean, ace doesn't necessarily mean theres no room for something romantic-" ryan: "yeah!"

P.Rool vs. Matrimony Knight. Ryan: "I hate to say this but I do think p.rool is taking this." Comona and Jay agree with an audible grimace. Matri does not do well first round. Comona and Jay make fun of ryan sneezing like someone who should be in a hospital. P. Rool is, as usual, disgustingly powerful in combat. 

Matri begins to pull out a lead second round. Jay: "P. Rool is never on his final form. Watch him pull out D. Rool." Ryan: "what is that, destroyed rool-?" Comona: "what about ja rool."

Matri manages to take it to round 3, to ryan, comona and jay's joy. But they temper their excitement with 'listen its p. rool. Dont get your hopes up. Dont do it.' They're right to do this matri very nearly gets threestocked and the last stock is matri getting dunked like a fucking basketball.

Losers bracket, Chilis vs. Machi. Comona thinks chili's is gonna win the tournament. Jay thinks Machi is going to be a comeback god, losing at first and then taking it back. First match on mario maker. A stage only left legal because ryan LOVES it because it fucks with the ai. Machi doesnt do well with the random stage at first, but brings it back HARD, nearly a reverse threestock, ending with Machi stealing Chili's sword and fucking Getting Her in a clutch move.

Match two funny zelda tower. Machiavelli in his 'anime arc' after copying chili's. Ryan: "he's just grown hair!" Comona: "He's a growing boy!" Stocks stay pretty even throughout, chili's footstooling to take the final kill. Taking it to round 3!

One winged angel, machi and chilis stock for stock again. Machi's on last stock and the commentators are talking about kid icarus uprising nearly the entire match. Chili's walks off, having learned some things herself and is approached by… some shady individuals apparently involved in creating him. Iggy says to pay them no mind. Don't worry about it. Comona: "...is this like the equivalent of like, if Boston Dynamics entered a robot into a smash tournament?" Jay: "this is like if Boston Dynamics entered a robot into a real actual martial arts tournament."

Swordfight! Sephiroth vs matri. Comona: "the two ends of the spectrum as to what constitutes a sword." Fuckin. wedding butter knife versus masamune the doug dimmadome ass katana.

Matri, hank hill impression: "frame data? Cancels? I Just wanna Grill for gods sake!" Also Matri, teleporting behind Sephiroth: "nothing personel, kid."

Matri does not win. If sephiroth wins the set he's fighting chilis. The next match is mostly match commentary with some family guy impressions for flavor. Sephiroth is the kind of guy who mimes crushing it out of spite when you blow him a kiss. Matri manages to take round two.

Word from the field! Sephiroth is pissed. He knows this could be his last game. Ryan: "hey, comona? You know sonicfox, right?" Comona: "of course." Ryan: "you know how in that one game when he thought he was out, he took his hat off?" Sephiroth takes his shirt off. The limiters are off. Matri does best with plenty of momentum but its hard to keep momentum with sephiroth. Matri's wedding vows (for at least one of his weddings) was the opening of the song Start Of Something New from highschool musical. Sephiroth ends up taking it in the most embarassing, sad, possible choke from matri. Sephiroth puts his shirt back on.

Twist vs P. Rool. Drac's Castle. Furthest a team cracken members ever gotten at this point. Twist racks up damage fast. Comona: "is this like, a dark arts emporium twist likes to frequent? Shes looking mad at home right now." Ryan: "y'know with all the purple, it would make sense within the lore of the red kraken story." Twist takes first stock and dash dances on prool and Ryan's almost crying tears of joy.

Twist gets prool down to one stock, then prool takes his first and gets her to over 100% in seconds and then takes her second, and you can hear ryans heart breaking as the other commentators start submitting themselves to the inevitability of Prool comebacks. Twist does, however, manage to take the first match!

Jay starts to turn around a little on prool, saying his loyalties lie first and foremost with people from his home dimension. Ryan: "i understand it. I dont respect it but i understand it." Twist successfully 2-0s Prool and Ryan feels the most alive he has all tourney. Jay: "he'll be back." Comona: "well of course he'll be back, hes still lurking in the losers bracket." Ryan: "nothing you can say will wipe the smile off my face right now."

Chili's vs. Sephiroth runback! Ryan thinks we're gonna see a 2-1, that sephiroths gonna put up a little more of a fight but chili's is still gonna take it. This proves a good guess with sephiroth taking first stock. Sephiroth wasn't taking Chili's seriously before, but now this becomes a meeting of the minds. Chilis still takes match one. Chili's isn't taking Sephiroth seriously anymore.

TWOOOOOO BANANAS.

Round 2, monkey watch wuhu island. Sephiroth may or may not like monkey watch. Jay: "hes an edgelord but thats like, his dayjob, we dont know what he's into in his freetime." Chilis struggles on Wuhu island because there's too much space for bartending and too many local businesses to outcompete her, and sephiroth takes round 2.

Megalovania find mii. Sephiroth is hearing boss music. Terrifying stock for stock match, but chilis keeps the lead and finishes the match with a vicious dunk in the gap. Comona: "stamping a close set with 'but really, i was winning the whole time.'"

Losers finals, Prool vs. Chili's. After twist, prool can officially bleed so Comona feels no reservations about backing chili's. Prool got pineappled at barely over 20%, but chili's loses her first stock only 40% into Prools next. The match is fast and chaotic but not particularly lore-heavy. Chilis takes round one. Jay: "the way i see it, matches with prool dont even start til round 2." Ryan: "if prool gets 2-0d by twist and chilis both thatd be the lesbianest thing ever. Considering the headcanons running around." Next match is stock for stock again, but Plum finishes it, sending them to a round 3, which ALSO goes stock for stock. 

Jay, sounding sad: "if prool loses here youre gonna make me put him back in the car, arent you?" Comona and Ryan, firmly: "YES." They jinx it. Chili's loses, and prool wins by the skin of his teeth with a violence. Jay, scared: "HOW DOES HE DO IT. I DONT WANT HIM BACK. HE WASN'T LIKE THIS IN MY WORLD. I DONT WANT THIS FUCKER BACK." Comona: "you did this." Jay: "I DIDNT DO THIS! I DIDNT DO THIS! IT WAS YOUR WORLD THAT DID THIS TO HIM!" Comona: "alright, Huey Emmerich!" I know just enough about metal gear to know how grievous an insult this is.

Grand finals. Twist vs. P.rool. Ryan: "im so afraid. Because i know p.rool. I know what he's gonna try to do here." Foreshadowing. Ryans trying so hard to have hope. But i know craken won't have a winner in grand finals until gaiden 5. Jay suggests, as a compromise, that if P. Rool wins, they can let Jacob take championship and pick the rules instead. Ryan remains firm that P. Rool cannot win, its against the rules. If Jacob wants it he can win it himself fair and square. Note how things have shifted from 'i need an excuse to keep p. rool out of championship because hes too strong and i dont want to use the same one i used for dani again' to 'FUCK p. rool, no quarter no compromise he is an object to hate for fun.' Due to a simple shift in the rules which ryan Iggy put there. Makes you thonk dont it.

P. Rool bracket resets Twist. The dread is seeping into Ryan. Jay and comona try to cheer him up by pointing out twist might do better on this stage. Ryan: "I liked it better when she 2-0d him but thats just me." Ryan, later, watching Twist still losing and sounding like hes wilting: "I'd like to see him dead, but thats just me." Comona: "P. Rool's really taking advantage of these layers to the stage." Ryan, becoming sephiroth and trailing off: "uh huh. My immortal rage…" Comona: "Yeah, im struck pretty silent watching P. Rool fight too. Like hes just… sucking the hope out of me." Jay: "Personally I'm feeling pretty good, i gotta be honest." Comona: "be happy if you want i wont judge-" ryan: "i will." Comona: "-but its not gonna stop me from voicing my opinion." Jay: "is now a bad time to share he offered me a cut of his winnings if he takes this?" Ryan: "not very pog." Jay: "dimensional plane tickets are EXPENSIVE." 

P. Rool takes another match. Comona, bitter: "hes just too GOOD. at the GAME." Twist requests a port switch, forfeiting a stagepick in exchange, which prool accepts. The next match goes stock for stock until twist takes it, to Ryan's vicious glee. Comona and Ryan pop off excitedly about port priority. Jay: "I dont think thats real, ryan, i gotta be honest-" Ryan, turning into the fucking green goblin: "WELL, IF YOURE SO CONFIDENT, THEN LETS SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE KEEP TWIST ON PORT ONE, SHALL WE?" Jay: "okay!" Ryan has fully unhinged. 

P. Rool wins. Ryans hit despair. P. Rool calls Jay. Ryan: "kick him off the call. kick him off the call." P. Rool says hes not giving him his money. Ryan: "oh, so youre on OUR side now, now you UNDERSTAND,"

P. Rool championship match. P. Rool vs Valentine. Ryan: "ive said it before ill say it again. This fucker is never going to be champion. Never. as long as I live. So we'll see what we do if he wins this." Comona: "as much as i dont like p. rool he does have spice." Ryan: "yeah he is spicy I just hate him." Jay: "cant believe hes not giving me my money." Ryan: "i can, have you met him?Jay: "its just, i had faith- its not like you guys knew him first!" Ryan: "true."

Jay: "we might need to start a go fundme to send me back to my own timeline." Comona: "the hell does a big fat asshole crocodile need with money anyway?" Jay: "good question." Ryan: "fishing?" Comona: "i was gonna say influencing government but that works." Anyway rip valentine time for another p. rool beatdown. Someone in chat special requests a match with sephiroth. Jay: "lets see who wins- the main villain or sephiroth." Prool decimates him. Ryan decides to take his rage out and beat the hell out of plum himself via Iggy. Ryan: "this isnt for the audience. this is for me." Plum still takes first stock against a human player. It still goes to last stocks. Iggy does win tho.

Twist vs. Valentine bc fuck P. rool. Ryan: "got a lot of haters in the chat mad that I wont acknowledge P. Rools win. But you forget, the 3rd rule of cpu kerfuffle: Fuck P. Rool. Dont blame me, I dont make the rules- well i do but-" Comona: "yeah, Iggy does." Ryan: "right! Take it up with Iggy. Or dont, cuz he'll kill you-" Jay: "i dont know how Jacob, who's just such a good kid, ended up on a team with p. rool." Ryan: "im sure theres some lore reason."

Valentine keeps a commanding hold on his championship, although twist put up a damn good fight. The commentators say, once again, that P. Rool will be returning for the next tournament. Comona: "we are an equal opportunity tournament, that doesn't turn away proven challengers." 

Cpuk14 time! Representing Team Calibur, the team not for becoming the best, but for knowing you already are the best- Doctor order. Right out the gate. 'Ever wonder where all these lab experiments gone wrong and super fighting robots come from? Doctor Order knows, not that she'd tell you. mad scientist/personal trainer who seeks to create the ultimate fighter. Joined team calibur over, say, team cones, as she seeks to reign in chaos, a lofty goal in the face of what cpu kerfuffle is. What's driven her out of the lab and into the spotlight remains to be seen.'

Neither Comona or Jay have seen her in action, not even in jays dimension, although Jay says hes aware of an alternate universe version of her named pablo that's just a totally normal guy. Jay, sounding uncomfortable: "Dont ask me how I know theyre connected." Ryan: "is it the vibes?" Jay: "its the vibes."

Bing! Bing's original submission information says hes a personification of the web service bing and decided to take up fighting because he was tired of being overshadowed by the popularity of Google. Interesting given that Google the person did not yet exist, but future tournaments do in fact insist he's got his complex about that Google. 'also, due to being a search engine, hes very knowledgeable.' LOL. LMAO EVEN. Ryan has high hopes for his results in the tournament. He places 5th.

Returning from CPUK1 for the first time, Dark Jimbo! A hypebeast turned emo. Hes not quite as edgy anymore (thank his therapist) but hes gotten attached to the aesthetic and music and such. Apparently discovered an emerald mine beneath the house and the money from that is whats funding his access to the expense of recurring hair dye and band merch nowadays. Comona expresses that in what hes seen of Jimbo, despite the aggressive, dark exterior, as a fighter he is sort of timid, which might cause him some trouble. But hes been training with his dad, and you cant count him out.

Team Cones! Larry the Florida Man <3. Ryan explains Larry's previous appearances under separate show names, and describes Larry's powers as something that 'awoke' in him. Of course, this is before the Dr. O connection was made, but its fun wording nonetheless. Jay: "as you know, im a very cut and dry commentator." Ryan: "uh huh." Jay: "No jokes. So of course Larry is right up my alley as the most consistent fighter in the tournament." Jay clarifies Larry ironically is pretty consistent in a way, jokes aside, he can perform fairly well in all his shapes. He openly wonders if Larry's ability to perform as well as he does with all his forms is a trained skill, or if it's all instinct. Ryan suggests they'll get Jenny to look into getting an interview about it.

Team Cross. Engineer TF2. They solve practical problems. The commentators proceed to start referencing TF2. I dont know anything about tf2. Jay says he and engie trained under the same fighting master- Superb Mario. Unclear if this is the same character as Mario From Super Mario.

Team Charm, team of all thats good and kind and gay, representative Therapuppy! Chat member: "Thats A Dog!" The blurb for her says, paraphrasing, 'with the introduction of Sephiroth to smash, therapuppy went ahead and signed up for cpu kerfuffle, because god damn Cloud and Samus really are in The Same Game as Sephiroth and Ridley, huh? Damn, kinda fucked up.' funny. funny that sephiroth is directly one of the reasons theras here. Thera's just here to check in on everybody's mental wellbeing and have a good time.

Team Chonk. P. Rool. Jay: "man, fuck this guy. me and p. rool, we're from the same neck of the woods, we're from the next dimension over, and i couldn't make it to a kerfuffle one time so he took my ticket, and he came over here and he started throwing hands and now we can't get him to Leave." Hes jay's ride home so hes been stranded here for 2 weeks and Ryan's been pulling strings to keep him out of the champion's suite and hes heard that P. Rool's getting Very Mad about that. Ryan: "but- fuck it. Its my tournament- its iggy's tournament. Iggy made me do it."

Team Cracken! Whip. Yeehaw. She's a cowgirl bayyyybe. Whip's sea creature accessory is an Electric Eel Whip. Neigh Neigh the horse has never appeared but they live in our hearts. Whip is canonically 'a cringe ass neigh neigh baby.' Vital lore information.

Exhibition match: Squid Jenny vs Chili's! Jenny and Jimbo have the same problem of being good at wracking up damage but struggling to close kills. Jenny is more of a recon specialist than a frontline fighter. Jenny supports all other contestants and is well known and well loved as an upstanding young member of the kerfuffle community. They shake hands and the commentators give their predictions for the tournament, by which i mean, guesses about who has the best chance of making p. rool bleed. Comona and Jay want to see Engie pull it off, Ryan thinks Bing can do it.

Round one, Jimbo vs Engie. Comona: "now, if this were two human players, Id say, now lets buckle in for a 24 minute set," absolutely zero faith in jimbo from jay and comona. The phrase 'not to play crimson's advocate' is used,

Jimbos first match against Engie is so embarrassing that engie throws the poor kid a southern hospitality pity stock next round. A slip of tongue results in the suggestion that engie tf2 is nonbinary. Jay: "i really dont know 'im that well, could be!" Engie: "y'dont need a gender t'solve PRACTICAL problems."

Jimbo manages to do better that next round, on the starfox stage that isnt the plane that i forget the name of, because engie couldn't pick up momentum after that thrown away stock and Jimbo took it and ran with it. Comona: "Jimbo was looking real comfortable up there in the vacuum of space, where I assume he was born…?" Ryan: "hes dadondorf's son, and who knows where dadondorf came from." Everything about dadondorf's background except his immediate familial relationships is an absolute mystery and I think thats delightful. it creates so many questions that will not be answered. He adopted a (Apparently Potentially Alien in Origin.) orphan hedgehog as a son after his birth parents' passing. He married a meat dragon. Jimbo's granddad is a fucking BOAT

Round 3 commences on Mementos. Jimbo's a gamer, but as a persona fan hes never actually played a persona game before, so he might be at a disadvantage. Jimbo has a bit of a panic attack during the set after losing first stock and loses his second with an SD. Jimbo manages to avoid a 3-stock and gets close to taking it to last stock, but no dice. To losers bracket with the poor emo kid.

Larry vs. Whip. Pre-match predictions for larry matches are pointless. donations from real life chat members serve the in-universe/in-character purpose of helping to pay for the high upkeep costs of the stadium and facilities with all these explosive, destructive matches going on here, which is kinda funny. Never seen a tournament arc where they mention the tournaments gotta crowdfund a budget for repairing the stage when someone hits someone else into the floor so hard they leave an anime crater because of how often it happens

Larry pulls out bubblegum banjo on wuhu island. Larry's in whips head, hes in the commentators heads, hes in the AUDIENCE'S heads. nobody knows wtf is goin on but its entertaining and he's winning. Whip is having fun and playing on the ledges. It is not doing her any good. Comona: "yknow, if Larry just had a main he might be one of the best players in kerfuffle history." Ryan: "bold of you to assume his adhd will allow him to focus on having a main." Comona: "thats what im Saying, like, if he Could, but that's just not how life is balanced." Jay: "the way i see it, Larry is so good BECAUSE he doesnt have a main. Hes got that GENERAL knowledge." Comona: "got those fundies down." Ryan: "mhm, a new character could come out today and he could probably beat you with 'em." Larry <3

They discuss how it must be rough for Whip as a newbie to get matched against Larry round one, the unpredictability probably rattling her a bit. Ryan: "I mean, it all depends on what Larry ends up rolling, if Larry rolls something she can deal with then Whip could do well, y'know?" Jay: "a good point." Comona: "mhm. An interesting thing, to not be in control of your own fate." Ryan: "That's why Larry thrives."

Larry rolls Peach, they suggest Whip's experience with her team leader Hoedown might help her some as far as familiarity with the fighting style goes. Larry gets a stitch very early and doesn't even bother to use it just to fuck with Whip. Just to flex. Despite Whip's strong damage lead, Larry takes first stock. Things go down to even on last stock, and whip manages to take one game. They make a game of trying to guess what character larry will be and they're all wrong he's blue dark pit and he decimates whip on warioware

Bing vs. P. Rool. Cue the booing. Bing you're not winning this one. Comona says Bing has been overshadowed by the Green Roy, Google, (before he's even been born,) and is out here to show his stuff as a perfectly respectable player in his own right. Bing has an inferiority complex over a guy that straight up doesn't exist yet. like a kid sibling getting jealous of the new baby getting all the attention before it's even born. Jay: "I have my… feelings, about P. Rool, obviously, but objectively, with my experiences with real life combat because this is all happening in real life, Bing has a sword, but P. Rool has projectiles he has no way to counter. It's coming down to P. Rool on this one." P. Rool has a strong damage lead and Bing Chromicides him about it. Then P. Rool stops him from recovering the next time theyre offstage for an instant. And then destroys his last stock with all the swift ease of swatting a fly. Ryan, terrified: "I THINK P. ROOL'S MAD, GUYS. I THINK HE'S OUT FOR BLOOD?" Jay, similarly shaken: "ive never seen him do that before." Comona: "this has gotten very personal."  Ryan: "im worried for MY safety! Round 2 I guess!"

Bing takes it to Dracula's castle because he saw P. Rool lose to twist here. P. Rool takes first stock so quickly but Bing isnt going down without a fight and manages to take the next game in another very fast match. Bing takes P. Rool's first stock (and his own) in Yet Another Chromicide, truly his signature strategy when fighting a tough opponent is and has always been Youre Coming Down With Me, Fucker, because he struggles to be confident in his ability to win without also completely wrecking his own shit in the process. P. Rool takes game 3 and sends Bing to losers. Bing says he'll see P. Rool again next time, Jay mistakes it for sportsmanship before Ryan clarifies that no he's shittalking like hes gonna decimate that lizard the next time they fight. Truly Bing is this interesting blend of stupid, deeply insecure, and yet profoundly overconfident, all of which compound into a man who is straight up going to get himself killed in the stupidest most unnecessary possible way just trying to prove something noone was honestly asking him to someday

Dr. Order. vs Therapuppy <3 a scientist who's been creating artificial life in pursuit of creating the ultimate fighter aaaaaaand. A therapist. 'That she might probably need.' lol. First round is on midgar, Comona: "which is probably where Dr. Order resides. Big City where people won't uh. Question your experiments." As Therapuppy wracks up almost 90 damage without order landing a single hit, the Commentators guess that Dr. Order is having a hard time mentally psyching herself up to hit a puppy. Jay: "i feel very strongly that Dr. Order is evil, but not cruel." Oh how time will mark you as naive. Therapuppy steals Order's ball with her fishing rod twice and yeets her for the final stock. 

Before round 2, Jay describes Dr. O as someone who has a knowledge of psychology, but like None of the people skills necessary to apply it usefully, unlike Therapuppy whose training in not only that but as a therapist and counselor give her a very particular dominance in the realm of mind games that leaves her with an inherent advantage in this matchup because Dr. Order thinks she knows more than she actually does. Comona references Short Skirt/Long Jacket by Cake in reference to thera. 'I want a therapist with a funny dogy and long, looooong fishing rod.'

the Doctor is nooooot the best as a fighter in terms of skill, but she is described by Comona as a hard hitter and her experience as a personal trainer (and coach, of her creations,) is touted as evidence she knows what it takes to create success and build strength, which. As we see later proves mostly only technically true to any extent of machi and quad, really. Despite this, order does manage to eek out a game two win against thera utilizing deep breathing. Jay: "i think Deep Breathing is some kind of experimental proprietary invention of Dr. Orders because lemme tell ya. I breathe and that doesn't happen." Ryan: "yeah but is your breathing deep." Jay: "gimme a sec lemme try that." Jay leaves. Comona and ryan giggle to themselves about him punching a hole in the wall as gamers are wont to do. Jay, returning: "MILLIONS ARE DEAD." 

Round three goes stock for stock, therapuppy managing some excellent mind games and strategy. Therapuppy's happy to have (hopefully) helped the doctor and with the doctor's 'regular stoic vibe' shes like. "Interesting. I'll have to remember this." And goes to losers. Every cpuk villain starts off as vaguely stoic or otherwise emotionally restrained in some fashion and then just Unhinge at some point

Dark Jimbo vs. Whip Losers round one. Comona accurately predicts its going to be a looooong one, especially so with CPUs. this sets' record for The Longest Match in CPUK History's never been dethroned, and thats probably because it nearly singlehandedly drove the decision to add a timer. Especially funny remembering his dad hamhel fought the shortest, the legendary match from 20 with val that could fit, in its entirety, in one twitch clip. Jay: "dark jimbo has like… powers of darkness, right? Not like evil darkness powers, but like-" Ryan: "I mean, i thought it was just aesthetic, but he could, I mean we've seen stranger." This set runs so long it makes jimbo reconsider his approach to both combat and life itself and in his second match starts putting effort into closing out kills much more. Whip continues to play the patient waiting game and it doesn't pay off. First 2-0 of the night.

Bing vs. Dr. Order. Hell on earth. A point is made of how dr. Order's patient methodical combat mindset just doesnt work for someone who gets up in your face and stays there before you can think like bing does. Round one is on castle siege, which they joke about being microsoft headquarters. Bill Gates lives in a Fucking Castle. Bing keeps the lead for most of the match but Order brings it to last stock with a Fancy set of maneuvers. Heartbreaking: the worst person you know just got away with a sick move. Ryan: "this one isnt open and shut- Bing's an explosive player but eventually that's gonna blow up in his face." Bing takes it.

Ryan: "I think, Dr Order, like whip, thrives with very patient play, but thats not gonna work against bing, who is All About getting up in your face." The commentators agree- Dr. Order needs to adjust her strategy to be more aggressive. She does not do this. Bing also does not change his strats. Comona: "say what you will about Bing- he gets results." Jay: "just maybe not as many as google." lol

After losing, Dr Order pulls out a notebook to start writing something down as she leaves. Ryan: "thats not… something we should be worried about, should we…?" Jay: "this is fine."

Chat asked about them. Gen4's chilling. Is a platinum speedrunner (which is an oxymoron) now

Engie TF2 vs Larrold. Once again no point to predicting the outcome of larry matches, only measuring his opponents' adaptability. Larry rolls luigi and ryan and comona interpret this as Larry making fun of engie for being short. Ryan: "it doesnt feel like Engie is learning, if anything Larry's learning." Comona: "if larry's learning then this whole bracket is over." Ryan: "yeah, larry's a fucking learning computer." Jay: "do we have word from Squid Jenny if Larry can control who he gets?" Ryan: "sometimes. Only sometimes." Larry rolls mega'd man next and does 70 damage before engie can land even one hit, and survives on first stock to 200%. Engie alllllllllmost brings it back but larry still fucking gets him.

Comona: "Larry's really shining now- its good to see this kind of glowup from larry. hes always had some potential but honestly- its kind of- touching, Larry has embraced the chaos inside of himself and isnt hiding anymore, hes not afraid of it anymore and hes just here like 'This is who i am.'" shrimp emotions about this one

P. Rool vs. Therapuppy. Jay just got a phone call. Ryan and comona discuss. From the standpoint of the competition, comonas still pretty sure this is p. rools game, but that he's going to learn more from it than any other match he's ever fought in. Ryan thinks thera might take a game at least. Thera takes first stock despite p. rool's damage lead, and prool takes it to even, but thera makes shockingly short work of p. rool. Comona: "who knew that what p. rool really needed was Fucking Therapy?"

Jay gets a call from a friend in his dimension, and. His P. Rool is still there. He got a snapchat from him hes at quizno's with jacob. Thera starts the second match before the commentators can process this. Who the fuck is this guy because hes Not P. Rool. Jay: "think about it- how many times have i said he wasn't like this in my world?" Comona: "an IMPOSTER? AMONG US?"

P. Rool just has no counter strat for the fishing rod. Therapuppy 2-0s P. Rool, to the astonishment of the commentators. Jay explains after talking more with his P. Rool, that hes never come to this dimension even once for a kerfuffle. It's been this mystery guy the WHOLE time, in a case of identity theft. Chat ponders potential crimson involvement but ryan shoots this down as unlikely and sends Squid Jenny to ask the guy some questions. P. Rool grabs her, changing color with white-hot-rage and promptly starting a battle. This is E. Rool. Enraged K. Rool. 

Ryan: "the therapy didnt Work, hes just Mad as Fuck now!" Comona: "he's resentful about how he's been treated- Which- which i guess is fair, but don't resort to violence against the TO! You're gonna get banned!" Ryan: "way he sees it, we clearly don't give a shit about the rules, why should he?" Comona: "which i mean… he… but we run the event, right…?" Ryan: "i mean yeah, we run the event, but that's just what he's saying." Jay: "realistically I see where he's coming from but identity theft and…" Comona: "but violence is never the answer. Harming your fellow man is…" Ryan: "your fellow squid, even." Comona: "your fellow squid or kid even." They are saying this about bloodsport. They are saying violence is never the answer about bloodsport. Comona expresses hope that this will help E. Rool get the frustration out of his system so he can calm down. Small voice. Small baby bird. and commends jenny for sticking out the fight in the meantime. They describe E. Rool's eyes as glazed over in a blind rage, like he's just absolutely gone, beyond reason. Home MD retrieves Jenny, she's in good condition, just in need of some medical attention. Ryan makes a joke about donating to help pay for jenny's medical bills and then has to clarify for chat that yes you do in fact get medical insurance working for iggy dont worry

E. Rool vs. Jimbo. They do not have high hopes. Jimbo does better than expected with a big target on the small bright stage of prism tower, he keeps it sorta even. E. Rool is playing cruel and cheap, fueled by the rage of both being cheated time and time again, and of being exposed as a fraud. He's so angry that he's just letting himself get hit. In the second round they get a darker stage, and Jimbo's doing better, getting hits in. Comona: "hes like batman, he thrives in the darkness." Ryan: "he is just like batman, in fact i think the fact that you just said that gave him power." He loves batman. One of his idols, jay says. So excited about the comparison. Imagining jimbo in a little batman costume for halloween. adorable. Anyway he footstooled E. Rool about it. Truly jimbo's performance in combat is directly tied to his current self-esteem. Jimbo brings it to last stock but doesn't win. The commentators get scared hes gonna SD again but Jimbo says 'nah those days are behind me now that im BATMAN' and then immediately gets launched into the blast zone. E. Rool: "im da joker, baby."

Bing vs. Engie tf2. Theyre pretty confident in Bing. Jay: "in comparison to bing, engie over heres looking like yahoo." Chat: "bing gonna make engie look like jeeves." Bing gets runover by a boat twice. Bing hates water. Greatest weakness. future lore making this Bing also getting killed instantly by space hornets. The commentators call game one a very overconfident homie game. Engie keeps schmoving around him but Bing manages to take it to last stock, but Engie ultimately 2-0s. Bing tells engie to take care of the big man for him.

Winners Finals. Larry vs Therapuppy. The winners finals noone expected but everyone wanted. The populist's choice. Comona thinks this will be a tough one for therapuppy, because larry is already Very comfortable with who he is, even if, for the good of Society that might be best changed. Hes comfy with the chaos. Therapuppy's goal is making people happy and better and Larry's already got himself figured out. Jay thinks this is still in therapuppy's corner because nobody knows what to do with the fishing rod and he doesnt think larry's an exception. Larry lies to a therapist about being illiterate on international television, potentially to avoid confronting his trauma on the same internationally televised scale. <3 florida schools dont teach you to read but they do teach you to handle gators. Therapuppy presses, trying to get to the root of why not being able to read makes him so insecure, and Larry's probably just doing everything in his power not to laugh. Round 1 goes to thera.

Larry rolls lonk from pennsylvania for round 2 on skyloft, or rather, either lenk from north carolina or lunk from ohio. Take your pick the commentators can't decide, but one way or another he's 'betraying even his origins,' even as the commentators also decide skyloft overlooks florida. Larry gets real silly with this one, takes it to last stock, but Therapuppy 2-0s, sending Larry to losers.

E. Rool vs. Engie tf2. Jay thinks hes too angry right now to fight smart, so engie Might take it. Chat asks if E. Rool is a free agent, and the commentators say they dont know, they dont know much about E. Rool except that hes mad as hell, strong as hell and a Liar. Jay speculates that Team Chonk might consider kicking him out with these new developments. Engie struggles to close a kill without the help of the stage, and no hat is hard enough to stop E. Rool from crushing his skull. The second round is only more painful. Engie manages one funny stock before E. Rool kills him dead.

Losers finals. Larry vs. E. Rool. Utmost excitement from the commentators. Larry pulls out sans hoodie ice climbers to megalovania. They go stock for stock down to the wire and Larry takes it and its legendary i dont need to give the play by play its all match commentary because its So Much that theres just nothing else to talk about. E. Rool: "how did i lose???" Larry, turning back to original form: "heh. maybe its the way you're dressed."

Round 2. Larry rolls Venus skin palu (before venus even exists.) This does not go as well as the ice climbers as far as weird picks goes, E. Rool leads the whole round. Ryan gets mad at Larry doing less well this round and has to remind himself not to expect anything of him and just enjoy the ride. He's not great at Palu, so E. Rool takes it, but Larry started taking it back more toward the end than expected. Lategame matches before voice acting became a bigger part of the format tend to have a lot less lore in them because the commentators are too tense about the actual matches themselves.

Round 3, Larry rolls kirby, its very even, E. Rool bled in his fight with Machi. Its apparent, though, that Larry's more interested in this being a good show than winning, and brings it to last stock even damage, but Larry finally gets yeeted. Commentators express certainty that in terms of raw skill, these two are equals, and Larry lost because the unpredictable factors of his condition simply didnt quite roll in his favor today.

E. Rool vs. Therapuppy. True finals. Therapuppy takes first stock after only moments of doubt from ryan, maintains a lead on at least damage the rest of the first match. Fishing rod inescapable. E. Rool's getting Scared of it, but E. Rool manages to take first round only because he survives to 200% and thera is much more launchable than him. Thera doesnt mind losing- she takes it in stride and goes into their second round with a smile. Round 2, thera makes it to 200% before losing first stock, E. Rool leads this match, until thera spikes him for his second stock. They end up even almost blow for blow on last stock until thera finally smashes him into the blast zone to take it. Round 3, norfair florida. Thera's just having a good time. E. Rool's so mad hes not thinking and its making it difficult for him to learn and adapt to Thera's plays, so thera sticks with the tried and true tactics and things keep fairly even, up until the end. E. Rool bracket resets.

Everyone takes a nice break, things have been way, way too tense in a scary sort of way, but E. Rool seems to calm down, and he and Therapuppy are seen having a talk, (Apparently one reason in-universe there were less visible voiceacted scenes at this point was just not having the sound equipment for it,) and since Jenny's down right now Home fills in for her to check up on things- and E. Rool almost attacks him, but Thera talks him down. The commentators reevaluate- is he really that bad of a guy? Like, he's been playing the heel, but realistically, the only reason he's gotten so angry and unmanageable is because HE'S following the rules and no one else is, and until things hit this boiling point he hadn't really even put up that much of a stink about it, beyond a little complaining. Home MD comes back with a report: his real name. Plum K. Rool. Thats always been his name- there was just a bit of a… mixup, because he shortens it to P. Rool too, and he kinda… ran with it. Played it like a character. A lie he didn't even intend to be telling at first just got too big. 

Thera and Plum run into the reset in good spirits. Plum's doing better taking a step back and just enjoying the ride. Still sucks that he took out his anger on Jenny- and hes not feeling too good about it either- the tournament will surely be followed by apologies, or maybe he'll continue to be a heel about it, but either way the commentators are fine with that- its just good to see the competitors remember that in the end it's just a game, and it's supposed to be fun. A good time. The commentators discuss how dangerous E. Rool clearly was during his blind rage- and how Thera couldve easily gotten seriously hurt if she hadnt been careful. Things go to last stock, even% on round one of the reset, and thera almost takes it but fails to recover. Second round is on mario maker, P. Rool's favorite stage. Cute. Thera takes it, sending it to game 3 of reset on dreamland, final round. The whole sets been electric, down to last stocks of last sets with short leads, P. Rool fearing and respecting Thera's power but ultimately juuuuust clinching a win.

Therapuppy: "Congratulations P. Rool! Im happy for you!" Plum: "b. I. H. i thought. You didnt. You didnt want me to win?" Thera: " course not. You're my friend! Course im happy that you won, why wouldnt i be?" Plum: "yknow what? thanks therapuppy. Thanks." And they have a nice hug.

Ryan claims that if P. Rool actually wins he'll actually let him win this time. Plum K. Rool vs. Captain Valen- hold up. Squid Jenny, who is fine now, getting a report from the field. Val and Plum are talking, and asked Val who his best friend is, and hes got no idea who to say except johannsen. Not sure if he was just caught off guard by the odd question and picked the rat as the first friend that came to mind or if hes genuinely made better friends with the rat in the past month or so than he is with gordo's revenge, visible man or rights sentience but the former feels more likely. Either way Plum wants to make the champion bout a team doubles match to celebrate his victory with the only person who's really rooted for him. Thera says she would've done the same. Val and jojo have pretty good team synergy. It goes down to thera vs. val on last stock and val takes it, remaining champion. Comona: "where valentine goes, johannsen follows." Ryan: "yeah, ever since dantoinette kind of- yknow."

And so dusks the P.rool arc and the dawn of Spoiler alert! doctor order being the Worst rises.

[salamanderst]

Think I’m fuckin’ around? (C.S)

Dealer!chris x black!reader

Warings: SMUTTTTT, smoking weed, high sex, p in v, degrading, dom!chris, unprotected sex (don't be silly, wrap your willy!), use of y/n (i tried to use it as little as possible), use of pet names (ma & baby) let me know if there is anything else!!

A/N: guys just because it says black!reader you can still read it regardless of your ethnicity, just remember the CHARTER is a black women, you are just reading her perspective. Also I’m so sorry if there are any spelling mistakes, English is not my first language 😔

5 minutes later after Chris texted me, i hear my door open. i forgot this man has a key.. "hey ma, where ya' at?" he said walking into my apartment. "couch." i shout back. he sits down beside me pulling out 2 joints from his backpack, "okay, you gotta listen this shit strong. like this ain't no pussy shit, k?" he said giving me a stern look.

"Chris i literally don't give a fuck, just give me my weed." i whine, reaching for the baggy. "you'll get your weed when you listen to what i say." he said, swiftly lifting his hand up that had the joints, up in the air. "okay. i heard you." i said sighing. "good." he said giving me a kiss on the cheek.

he passed me the joints as i leaned over and grabbed my money. "m'k Chris, how much i owe you?"

"you get em'for free if you let me smoke with you.." he said throwing his head back on the couch. "that's a pretty good deal, i might have to take that up.." i said with a smirk. he tilted his head at me his hands behind his head. "mmh, okay you can smoke with me." i smiled.

Chris wasn't lying when he said this shit strong, because holy shit i am high. and only off one joint, when it normally takes 2. "you feeling good ma?" Chris laughed watching me zone out at the show i put on. i threw my face in my hands muffling, "Chris when you said this is strong, i didn't think you meant this strong." i groaned. " you think i fuck around? ion sell pussy shit." he said taking another hit of the joint.

i giggled seeing him taking another hit. "whats so funny?" he said, smoke escaping his mouth. "just funny you always wanna stay over when i ask for weed..." what am i saying? "mmh really?" he said raising his eyebrows with sleepy eyes, coming closing to me. my breath hitched as he came closer to me. Chris always flirted with me, i never flirted back because i didn't want to start anything, i mean his weed is really good i cant risk that. but right now things felt different...?

"i- mean im not complaining..." i said felling his breath on me as he got closer. "didn't think you were ma..." Chris said whispering in my ear, making me feel hot in my chest. he started kissing down my neck, putting his left hand on my shoulder his joint in the other.

"this okay..?" he said, lifting his head to look at me. "yes." i said my eyes fluttering. Chris reached for the ash trey taking one last hit before he put out his joint. he moved both his hand to my neck as he kissed my jaw line, making his way to my lips. he made it to my lips giving me a small peck then ripping away, leaving me wanting more.

"c'mere.." he said softly leaning back on the couch, indicting me to crawl onto his lap. i sat up moving onto his lap, straddling him and placing my hands on his shoulders. he moved his hand to my waist, running his hands up and down slowly on my sides. he placed his lips on mine, i gasps into the kiss, he took that as an opportunity to slip his tongue into my mouth. i slowly started to rock my hips back and fourth, feeling him grow harder under me.

he slide his right hand down onto my thigh, slowly making his way up to my core. he grazed my heat with his knuckle through my sweats, making me gasp and pull away from the kiss. "this okay..?" he whispered leaning his head to the crook of my neck. "mhm.." i groaned nodding my head. he slide his hand down into my sweats, then going into my underwear. feeling his cold hand against me cupping my pussy making me lift up my body. he started rubbing circles around my core well pulling me back into a kiss.

i held onto his shoulder as i grinded on his hand, moaning into the kiss. he slipped his tongue in and out of my mouth, with each moan that left my lips. i could feel the smirk on his face. he pulled his hands out of my pants, and removed his lips from mine. "wha-" i started to speak, cut off by him lifting me off his lap. he stood up to remove his sweat. then pulling off mine, making me laugh, leaving us both in our underwear.

"m'k come back.." he said sitting down on the couch his arms open. i sat back down on his laps, his hands reconnecting with my waist. he pushed his lips on mine again, this time with more hunger. he lifted his hips up, telling me to rocking back and fourth, so i did. i whimpered into the kiss as i felt him getting harder and harder under me. he pulled away from the kiss again, then moving down to my neck to leave marks. "Chri-hugh i have places to be tomorrow.." i said my breath hitching as he held my hips, making them rock back and fourth faster.

Chris once again removed me from his lap making me sit beside him. "turn around.." he said, still sitting beside me, i turned around my knees on the cushion of then couch and my elbows right over the couch. he moved behind me removing his boxers, holy shit he was big. "you're okay with this ma..?" he said looking me in the eyes with a soft look. "y-es Chris." i said not wanting to wait any longer.

he slid my panties to the side. he pushed his tip on my folds, mixing our juices and using it as a substitute of lubricate. without warning he rammed his cock into me, making he moan loudly. he held onto my hips, going at a slow pace that was gradually becoming faster. "o-oh f-uck.. you ta-king my cock so-oo well ma.." he moaned, as his cocked slid in and out of me.

my jaw hung open moans consonantly leaving my mouth with every thrust. "oo-oh fuck Ch-ris you feel so good.." i moaned my eyes squeezed shut. "mmh.. yea? you like this dick.." he groaned leaning down to whisper in my ear. "you like when i fuck you like this.. huh?" he said his movements becoming faster.

"mmgh f-fuck y-yes." i groaned. skin slapping filled my apartment. "mmh so so good f'me baby.." he groaned lifting his body back up. he grabbed my hair making it into a pony tail. "mmhgh.. C-hris faster- pl-lease." i moaned feel myself becoming closer. no word just movement, Chris slammed into me making scream of pleasure. his thrust become faster and harder, my vision become fussy, as my eyes rolled to the back of my head. Chris was tugging on my hair making my head lift up as his moments become even faster. "g-gonna cu-m." i couldn't even say a proper sentence just simple words. "fucked yo-u s-so good can't even talk.." he groaned with each thrust. i cursed out with my moans, whimpering Chris's name every second.

i felt the not in mt stomach grow, my climax was so close. "ne-ed too c-cum.." i moaned. "cum baby." he whispered. his words made me reach the edge. my mouth hung open as i made a mess on his cock. soon after he quickly pulled out painting my shirt with his cum. "mhg f-fuck." he whimpered under his breath.

"sorry ma, i didn't mean to ruin your shirt.." he huffed out a laugh still out of breath. i giggled back my arms hung over the couch, trying to catch my breath. "c'mere lets go get cleaned up ma.."

heh... whyd i kinda eat... (proud)

[namuneulbo]

week ninety-nine

so close.

monday and tuesday were nothing special.

wednesday i went thrifting and i found a cute top that makes me feel so bella swan and a cute dress that makes me feel so 2014 tumblr. i wore the top to the quiz in the evening.

thursday omg. my friends were doing a concert at the same bar as where the music quiz was held. i went there w a and on the walk there i ask her if we should go see the jazz concert afterwards as well and she was like:

"yes, of course, u know whos playing, right?"

WELL, i did in fact NOT KNOW but it just happened to be w on the drums. bro i was so excited. we went to see my friends concert and it was great and ended in a mosh pit so it was quite the change walking into the jazz gig afterwards.

they had already started playing when we go there but it was fine. we didnt get a close-up seat but i could stare at w from afar. it was funny bc when s arrived we just exchanged this glance of like:

"oh, we both know why IM here." the performance felt quite short but yk, we also arrived a little late. after the performance there was a jam, as per usual. w sat w his parents and some others, im assuming relatives, and also d (and k for a bit???).

yadayada i sat down w a, a, l and v closer to the front and then i saw w standing w´by the table l was sitting at but talking w b, k and t. i move over there since i knew it wouldnt be too obvious since me and l r friends. i barely look at him bc hes so close yk but UGHHHH he was like resting his hands on the table and leaning. idk how to describe it but yk standing but leaning and his sleeves were rolled up. dead.

anyways both c and l were leaving and i tried begging them to stay while w was there but they ended up just being like:

"no, girl, just talk to him instead."

i end up moving back to sit w a and l. a and v had left by now too. ws standing by himself and a immediately tells l to invite him over and he invites w to sit w us and points to a seat next to me. he sits down on the other available seat though lol i dont blame him since it was closer so it was more logical.

l and w talk briefly in-between watching the jam session and then w just drops a "i just realized i havent had any dinner today" and we start talking about going out to eat. we were discussing whether we should go to the grill or mcdonalds. mcdonalds is a bit outside of town and only the drive-thrus open that late but w did offer us going w him in his car but we ended up going to the grill. i wouldnt have minded sitting in his car though hehe.

me, a and l leave to go get our coats and w left behind for a bit to go pick up his cymbals and his bag. me and a freak out a tiny bit on my behalf before he joined us again. we left and i was so... omg? the entire walk there and i message l being like "OMGOMGOMG". on the way there w meets a bunch of ppl he knows and he starts play fighting w a. it was quite cute.

when we were nearing the grill i became ever so slightly more comfy to talk after i made a joke he laughed at. we were talking about how much food he could get if he just handed them his bag of cymbals and silly me said he could get lots of shrimps and rice. it sounds so dumb to like explain in such detail things i remember him or me saying but like,,, im gonna do it in detail anyways bc i want to remember it when im seventy and i look back at these posts (if tumblrs still a thing by then).

we all order food and he orders such a dad meal but ig its quite cute when he does it. we bonded over dips bc we had the same fav and the same least fav. we both love béarnaise and hate oriental lol. then b showed up and we invited him to eat w us so we had to wait longer so his food would be ready as well. i didnt mind ofc.

we started talking ab hans zimmer which led w to a passionate rant thanks to him being a zimmer fanatic. then that led to a film bro talk that initially made fun of how film bros act ab shots and stuff just for him to start doing exactly that dgjslkfj it was funny bc he was like listing famous movie scenes being like:

"and u know the story ab this shot, right?" until he reached one that we actually didnt know and he was like "oh okay then let me film bro real quick *proceeds to explain how that scene was shot*"

im afraid i really like film bros. i think its so cute when they get all passionate about it TT

i dont think ill go TOO into detail ab each tiny thing he said bc i already have a note in my phone of everything i remember TT am i manic?

we got our food and we went to campus to eat it. he went by the basement to put away his cymbals while us others went to the cafeteria. we went to sit down and a went to sit right next to me but l whispered like:

"no! move over! leave that seat empty!" wanting w to sit down next to me naturally. hes an ally ! anyways i did like a short joke ab how hed probably sit down on the opposite side and l laughed and was like "oh yeah, he probably will" and yup, he did. it was quite funny bc i havent told b i like w but if it wasnt obvious by now idk what.

we sat eating together for like an hour and i was so happy to get a reason to stare at him attentively wo it being weird bc yk,,, just watching him from afar and stuff can be pretty weird TT but like actually getting to have eye contact w him and stuff AHHHH!!!

b left first and us others were left sitting for a bit. i thought we were all going home until a whispers to me like "l, hes coming to the bar!!!" which was a big surprise bc like ive mentioned before, hes v rarely at the bar. hes been there more recently though which is fun.

we walk to the bar together and ahhh so happy hihi but we split up quite early on as he goes to his classmates and i felt to awkward to join him. after going outside rq i caught up w s for a bit before walking back in and joining w and some others who i knew. later we were left alone near the bar and bro it was so awkward and later a steals his cap and puts it on her head and i just awkwardly drop the worst line of my life:

"looking fresh."

i actually cant, ive been thinking ab it ever since... WHY TF WOULD I SAY THAT???

okay anyways i wanna forget ab it truly.

later on i joined a and her friends and omg... she asked me if she could wear my glasses and i let her and then she moved over to me and was like:

"i feel like a sexy substitute teacher," then she caresses my shoulder and chest and lightly grabs my shirt and goes:

"hm, u havent done ur homework~ what should we do about that~?"

AND BRO MY GAY ASS... i literally melted... that was like the hottest thing someones ever said and done to me. def up there w the time i cuffed me. she did apologize quickly for touching my chest but i said it was fine (WHICH IT VERY MUCH WAS!). then she pulled me into the bathroom and we talked for quite a while. shes so nice TT

when i got back w was gone.

next day, friday. we celebrate bs 18th bday. once getting to the bar we sit outside and i was so happy actually. like the conversation was so good and i was becoming the perfect level of drunk. i was sitting w my back towards the bar and c just looks at me and points behind me and mouths a quiet "look."

i turn around AND WHO DO I SEE? w. i literally look back in shock w my hand in front of my agape mouth and v goes:

"what, what happened?"

and i go like:

"omg, i havent told u i think" and i lean in and just "i like w" and then do little drum motions w my hand to like clarify which one i mean and his immediate reactions like "AIGHT, give me a minute" and he stands up. he was joking ofc and sat back down then genuinely asks me if i want him to wingman me. i consider it and i said he could go talk to him but dont like directly say i like him and he proceeds to go and talk to him twice i think?? it was funny. i told him he could wingman me next time for sure.

i never end up talking to w that night but i did end up telling a about it when i was walking around to bar to find him. i just walk up to her like:

"i was looking for w but he seems to have left."

then i proceed to tell her that i like him and thats why i was looking for him and her replys the cutest thing ever. she just starts telling me how im so cute and how hes so sweet and would be a great boyf and that i should so talk to him and AHHH I LOVE HER. feeding my delusions sm i love her. then she genuinely goes like:

"should we go look for him?"

i just tell her hes left bc i havent seen him but i told her quickly ab our little hangout from the day before and she was so excited ab it.

then nothing else of important note has happened this weekend. i dropped the story ab o to e and s. e on friday and s asked me ab it on saturday and it was so funny hearing ab him from their perspective. we all ended up agreeing that hes nice but def a bit,,,, weird and has some questionable traits.

ive been trying to figure out how to incorporate quotes into these texts wo it looking dumb and its so hard. i know how to use quotation marks in like,, fiction context but idk the proper grammar rules on how to use it while quoting ppl mid-story.

sotw: david bowie - criminal world