#I KEEP EATING LIKE 500 CALORIES A DAY AND SLEEPING UNTIL 11AM

[thehellsystem]

Not the autistic burnout hitting like a TRUCK

[ladykailolu]

*pheewwwwww* So today has been a fucking rollercoaster of a mood. I felt...so very fucking anxious while going into work today around 8am because I was terrified of dying alone. Then around 9-11am, I felt really fucking excited because I talked to a few coworkers about my weekend and proudly explained to them that I bought a car! They all seemed really shocked when I told them what make and model it was, probably because it was a very new model. But it works for me--it’s the car I wanted and the price I budgeted for. But then---around noon, lunchtime, I felt that same fucking anxiety claw away at my chest and my brain scream ‘I’M TERRIFIED OF DYING ALONE’ which lasted all day, I’ve been SO VERY CLOSE to completely crying in the middle of the lab several times, my desire to eat, drink, even SLEEP has decreased so very fucking much all since last Sunday night, and it was getting bad because I barely ate like 500 calories by 1pm (I didn’t have breakfast since I didn’t even feel hungry).

At least now in the evening, I’ve eaten a bowl of cereal and a hot dog. I feel...well ok now that i’ve eaten something, but I still feel that anxiety causing this lump in my throat that’s really choking me. I’ve told my dad about this anxiety and how I’m just so damned terrified of dying alone in my future and he’s just flabbergasted by it all: I’m the type of person who almost NEVER talks about my own problems or feelings and appears to be chill all the time, so on the rare occasions I do open up, people just have a hard time believing that I could feel such a way since I “never show it on the outside.” I mean, I know it’s absurd to think this way--I’m 24 years old and still rather young, but I can’t help but fucking feel rather hopeless. He says “You’re 24. You have no reason to think about that yet.” But I keep telling him that’s just what anxiety does, but I couldn’t explain much without choking and nearly crying, so I just cut it short.

Sometimes I feel like I just need a good cry to let out all those frustrations. But I usually feel regrettably like shit afterwards.

But I suppose the good news is, I was able to put the down payment officially for my new car to the dealership today and it was super easy! I filled out the check, they stamped it and we’re good!

I’m trying to realize that I’m still young and have so much potential/time to do the things I want, but I can’t seem to escape this fucking mental rut I’ve somehow stumbled into. A real source of inspiration for me is the youtube Boogie2988 since he hasn’t met his wife until he was in his 30′s. So...maybe? Either way, I still feel like I just missed out on a major part of teenaged/young adult life.