#I JUST REALIZED I FUCKING FORGOT HIS MONOCLE

[moraent-keys]

Lucifer’s short lol

[nochiquinn]

campaign 3 episode 15: I hate it

I'm late bc I was watching yugioh with my partner

as one does

"good luck playing next to that tonight"

"save me liam"

laura's braids ❤

"cyrus had fucked up so deeply"

"meaty sword" is a euphemism from a 00's slash fic

cries

what's the bells hells poly ship name

t r a v i s

liam

laura

"youngin'"

"I'm literally bathing in wood chips"

fantasy uggs

"I wish to be difficult to kill" is a hell of a line

detect magic monocle???

"the wilds are fucked and we should abandon ship"

travis stop trolling your wife

"he just gave up at the end"

poor matt, it's 1v8 with every sentence that comes out of his mouth

me trying to answer any question my child asks

"like the shocker?"

"I don't believe in manmade spire change" SAM

flat exandrier

chetney: side quest cleanup time

map cam!!

"you can ride the donkey or you can take the tram, it is the same price"

chetney

somewhere in thedas shale's eyes light up

"they've got weird dead animal sayings"

horse girl imogen supremacy

imogen: I am aware of the general lifespan of horses around adventuring parties

SAMUEL

you ain't gettin me to no secondary location

we get it you own a thesaurus

"ooh, I speak marquesian"

THE SIT AND SPIN

god I want to give both of these people a swirly

oh, marisha has a stardew valley shirt!!

"they're smarter than they look" that's not hard

oh fuck o f f

"to see if the name sticks?"

22 is the new nein

"a 1 usually counts for two failures" "shut your mouth"

"you've got faces that say - " "run?"

I'm travis going through his notes early c1

"'I don't trust clarota' 'I don't trust clarota!' 'I! don't! trust! clarota!'"

I was waiting for a Nott the Best reference

this is an awkward exes conversation

"you have no spell slots. I filled them" 👀

ohhhhhhh

this is what happens when you date batman villains

crownset cavern 100% sounds like a pokemon route

two YEARS

"magically fascinating watching matt drag himself"

orym: I am uncomfortable with the energy we have created in the studio today

fcg: I don't know what to do with that

"I said I'd be his friend" yeah and that's a threat

travis: clear ur fuckin corners

the psychic damage I took at the phrase "self-quarantine"

damn

oh I hate it

psyche-locks

liam commiting to the bit hard

this is a mass effect 1 elevator

something something the buried

"did he just change the music"

every time I see sam's shirt I think it's captain hammer

matt do not call initiative at 1 am

fuck I checked !runtime, he's gonna call initiative at 1 am

yes. yes! mister is LOOSE!

DE ROLO PEE BREAK

time rage!!

I hate it

dice are bonkers tonight

storm orb...broken...

travis: blood maledict me: [kill bill sirens]

dice are BONKERS tonight!!

marisha forgot how to chair so hard she thinks table is chair

oh, I've been working, I didn't realize the walls have a Cave Setting

"y'ant to" I am Seen

so much campaign 2 salt tonight

she's got nippleless anime tiddies

oh I hate it

"everybody pray to fcg"

can't wait for this plan to go to shit in the first six seconds

see? see? what'd I say

hey? hey matt? hey matthew? hey matthew what the f u c k

[anythingbutmar]

Worth it

Diego Hargreeves x reader

Summary: When you finally notice how Reginald treats Diego you can't help but call him out on his bullshit.

A/N: Even if this reminded me of just how much I hate Reginald, I actually had a lot of fun writing it and I hope you like it too!

Warnings: angst, smoking, swearing and just Reginald being a dick as usual.

Meeting your boyfriend's family should be fun. That's what you kept telling yourself, but in reality, it scared the shit out of you to meet the man that starred in Diego’s nightmares.

The worst part of it was that you didn't even know what to expect. You knew it was hard for Diego to open up, especially about his family and upbringing, but it was really complicated to comfort him sometimes when you couldn't understand how. You hoped you could learn some more the day you two had dinner with Allison and Vanya, but it seemed to be a difficult subject for all of them, and you weren't about to ask the girls you'd just met about their deepest traumas.

For now, you just placed your hand on his shaking thigh as he pulled over in front of the biggest house you had seen. He tried to give you a reassuring smile but he couldn't hide the anxiety in his eyes.

"Look, we're here to check on your mom, right? So let's just hope there's no one else home, and if they are then I'll be right beside you, okay? You're not alone baby." You placed your hands on his cheeks and kissed him on the forehead, as lovingly as it was possible.

"Let's go now, I'm sure mom's gonna love you." There he was again, avoiding that conversation.

And so you both walked up to the unmistakable entrance to the famous Umbrella Academy, a place that looked like anything but a home. You weren’t going to tell him, but something about the house’s energy made you want to take his hand and run away from there.

Thankfully, after a few knocks on the door, a beautiful woman with kind eyes and a big smile opened up. It was Grace, Diego’s beloved mother, and the warmth that came from her took away all your worries as she gave you a tight hug, as if you’d known each other all along.

“So you must be the gorgeous Y/N Diego keeps talking about! I’m Grace, nice to meet you.” She walked over to him and hugged him as she had done with you. Your heart melted in your chest as you noticed how much calmer he seemed now that her arms where around him. She reminded you of your own mother, and you also felt much better knowing that someone was already giving your boyfriend all the love that he deserved.

But of course, someone had to ruin it, because happy moments couldn’t last long in his presence.

“What is this nonsense? Break it up right now! You know displays of affection can only last two minutes maximum. Go finish your chores Grace.” Reginald Hargreeve’s legendary voice seemed to echo in your ears for as long as it took him to come down the stairs and push Grace out of the way, already acting like the bastard you expected him to be, but he hadn’t noticed you yet, or he didn’t even care.

“What are you doing here Number Two? Have you come to mend your innumerable mistakes and rejoin your brother on the missions?” He started walking closer and closer until he was facing Diego directly, never breaking eye contact and barely even blinking. He looked unhuman and it unsettled you.

“N-no, sir I-”

“Well then you are not welcome here. And I don’t understand why you even bother bringing a woman.” The way he said those last words made you shiver, and he still wouldn’t even give you a small look, he kept staring at your boyfriend as if he was the most disgusting thing he’d seen. You hated it. “You should remember that your mother is merely a replica of a human being, she can not produce real emotions and she certainly can not comment on your little friend here, so you better leave with her and never come back unless you finally plan on being useful.”

Somewhere along his hate speech Diego had pulled you behind him, as if he could protect you from his words with his strong body or even worst, as if he thought Reginald would actually physically harm you.

But you were done with it. You were done with his so called father and you had to let him know, so before he could turn towards the door you took his protective arm off your body and you stepped right in front of the monster that was haunting him.

“You know what’s your problem sir? You think you are so damn perfect because you created these amazing superheroes but in reality all you did was damage a bunch of perfectly healthy kids, and thankfully they turned out to be incredible human beings in spite of your horrendous methods of parenting but you can’t even see that because you are so fucking full of yourself!” You were so angry you didn’t even realize what your hands were doing, you had pushed him several times in the chest, but the man was standing still, completely unbothered by your rant, which only made it worse for you.

“And you wanna know why I came here? Because Diego is worth it. Yes, Diego, the actual man that he is and not the number you wanted him to be. I love this man more than I could possibly say, more than your sorry ass can even understand, because Grace might not feel the way we do, but I’m pretty sure even what you call a replica of a human being has more emotions than you do. I’m here to meet her because he’s worth it, and I’m yelling at you for the same damn reason, so next time you try to tell him he can’t visit his own mother, remember why all of your children left you here alone, because none of them want to see your disgusting face.”

And with that you left, slamming the door behind you. You could have sworn that his monocle fell of his face as you pushed him one last time, which you would have loved to see, but you weren’t going back in there, and right now all you needed was a cigarrette.

You were leaning on Diego’s car, smoking while trying to calm your uneven breathing when you saw him coming towards you. You almost forgot the fact that your words might have hurted him and you were ready to apologize when he lifted you in the air and twirled you around a few times before putting you in the ground and kissing you in a way he never had, as if the world was going to end in any minute.

“I love you so fucking much. Let’s get out of here.” He said, kissing your forhead the same way you had kissed his at the beginning of the day.

[cami-chats]

Cats Get Dates

Fandom: Marvel, The Umbrella Academy (TV)

Pairing: Five Hargreeves/Tony Stark

Warnings: None

On AO3 or below

Tony didn't think about it too much before putting up the sign in his window. He felt kind of stupid as he did it-- and also like he was in that one Taylor Swift music video-- but also, that cat was super cute and he wanted to know its name. Calling it 'the stupidly cute, fluffy cat' when he was telling Jim about it was getting a little lengthy; not to mention Jim had thought he was talking about more than one cat for about six months.

Your cat's really cute. So white and fluffy, I love them was what the sign said, but it was enough. With the way windows and floors worked in these weirdass apartment buildings, he wasn't risking much by admitting the cutest cat in the world was, in fact, the cutest cat in the world to a bunch of strangers other than the one stranger he had in mind.

The next day, there was a sign in the window with an arrow pointing down to the cat's favorite lounging spot: Mr. Pennycrumb (yes, really).

Tony wasn't the best artist, but he did a pretty good rendition of Mr. Pennycrumb in a suit, with a monocle and a walking stick. I love him. He didn't hesitate to put that one up either, and he thought that would be the end of it.

He should've known that the universe would decide to throw him a nice little curveball. The next time he peeked across the street to see if Mr. Pennycrumb was taking a nap or licking his paw, he instead saw a handsome man with a criminal jawline sitting in the window, writing in a notebook.

Tony was just tired enough to sit at his own desk and stare an unreasonable amount.

Mr. Pennycrumb's owner looked up after a while and saw him. He raised an eyebrow.

Tony reached for the poster that had his drawing of Mr. Pennycrumb in a suit-- which he kept by the window simply because he wanted to keep the drawing but didn't have any other place to put it-- and held it up. Then he set it down and put his hands together in a pleading fashion.

The cat owner smirked in a very self-satisfied manner, then disappeared for a moment. When he came back, he had Mr. Pennycrumb in his arms. He plopped him in front of the window, where the cat was happy to stretch out and roll onto his back.

Tony blew him a kiss, and he was glad when the other man chuckled before turning back to his writing. Cause otherwise that would've been really awkward. Mr. Pennycrumb was unfairly adorable, and definitely worth a little embarrassment for, if the situation ever called for it. Plus, if the cat's owner had figured out that Tony was checking him out, he might've decided to close his shades, and that would've been a real tragedy.

*

Their first real, face-to-face contact came sometime after three in the morning when the two of them were the only people with both their lights on and their shades open.

Mr. Pennycrumb's owner was the one to initiate it with a note in his window that read, Do you have coffee?

Tony wrote back. Yes.

Can I have some? Everywhere's closed. And it was true. Everywhere was closed, but fuck only knew why. There was a college in this city; surely there was at least one cafe that could turn a profit from running twenty-four hours. There were grocery stores that were still open, but the closest one was two blocks away-- considerably further than across the street, and a lot more of a pain.

In response, Tony wrote down his apartment number. Someone with a cat that cute wouldn't murder him after asking for coffee. If there were two good qualities a person could have, it would be liking coffee and loving their cat. Or maybe it was loving coffee and liking their cat. Either way, it was good combination to have. Not to mention that Tony was infinitely more likely to be kidnapped, not murdered flat out. And the kidnapping type had the same look about them, which Mr. Pennycrumb's owner did not have.

When he saw the man's light go off, he got up to make a new pot of coffee. He still had some in there for himself, so he dumped the rest of it in a spare mug and started a new one. He had a huge ass thermos around here somewhere-- a gift from Jim, and he'd made sure it was big enough for a pot of coffee plus all the cream that Tony liked to add, because Jim was the best gift-giver in the entire world.

As Tony crawled in a cupboard to find it, he wondered why he didn't use it more often. Usually, it was to avoid questions. If people asked him one question, they took it as an invitation for more conversation, which was pretty much the opposite of what Tony wanted when he was carrying around a pot of coffee.

It was only after he unearthed it that he remembered Jim had sort of taken it away for a week when Tony had decided to brew his coffee with an energy drink instead of water. It had tasted like shit, but it had kept him awake enough to keep up with his coursework while also finishing off the designs for the upcoming expo and giving his notes to Howard about the latest prototype. Now that that horrible time had passed though, he should be able to start using it again.

Someone knocked on the door as he was halfway through pouring the coffee into the giant thermos, so he put it down to answer the door. As expected, it was the neighbor-- if neighbor could be used to describe someone that lived in a separate building on the opposite side of the road. He was even more handsome up close, which was a dangerous thing to be noticing in the middle of the night when his self-control was wearing thin. He didn't have much of a filter to begin with, and it only became thinner when he was tired.

"Hey," the possibly-a-neighbor but definitely-the-cute-cat-owner said. "Thanks for this."

"Yeah, no problem. I can't make it a day without coffee." Tony sort of forgot to invite him in, but he turned to go finish pouring the coffee and figured that his sort-of-neighbor would either follow him in or stay in the doorway. Tony would be very tempted to ask him to stay forever if he had remembered to ask him inside in the first place. As he started to pour the remainder of the pot, he heard the door close, and a second later, the guy walked into the kitchen. "I'm Tony, by the way."

"Five. Yes, like the number."

"Your parents weren't very imaginative."

"Actually, I only have one sibling."

"That's even worse."

"I've always thought so," Five said mildly.

"Is there a story there or are they just weird as shit?"

Five snorted. "If they had reasons, they never bothered to share them with me." Then he tilted his head curiously. "Does that thermos fit an entire pot of coffee?"

"Yep."

"That's amazing. Where did you get it?"

"It was a gift, so I don't know."

"Hm, shame."

Tony screwed the lid on and held it out to him.

"Thanks."

"No problem."

"I'll try to have it back in a couple days."

"Sure. And if you forget, I can always add it to a sign when I'm asking about Mr. Pennycrumb. How is he anyways?"

"A pain in the ass," Five said, rolling his eyes as they walked to the door. "He was playing with a plastic bag, got his head caught, flipped out, and ended up shredding it over half the apartment."

"And that's why I admire other people's cats from afar instead of getting my own."

"A wise decision," Five said flatly, but with a hint of a smile across his mouth. Tony had the strong urge to kiss him, but he was too far away for Tony to do it as an impulse decision. "See you around."

"Yep, see you."

Having a crush from a distance had been weird and a little creepy of him, but he didn't think the one minute of conversation with Five really justified it. If anything, it made it worse. Jim would probably tell him to be a normal neighbor and not make contact unless they were passing each other on the street-- but then, Jim was also convinced that Tony was going to be murdered horribly in the middle of the night because he hadn't been looking where he was going, so Tony took everything he said with a grain of salt.

*

Tony got back to his apartment one day to find a bag hanging on the door. He peeked inside and saw that it was the thermos he'd loaned Five, so he picked it up and brought it in with him.

He forgot to put it away for a while, so it was almost a week later when he grabbed the thermos to use it and a picture fell out. Curious, Tony reached for it, then he laughed. It was a polaroid of Mr. Pennycrumb. He was sitting up straight, fluffy tail curled around the front of his little feet and looking intensely at the camera-- or, rather, the person holding the camera, but it was the same effect. On the white bottom, Five had written 'Thanks' in sharpie, in all caps like he was an old man.

Tony hung it on the fridge, then went back to putting his bag together for the day.

*

The next contact came when Tony was settling in for the evening, ready to stay up all night writing code, only to realize that he didn't have enough sugar for his coffee to last all night. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, and fuck some more, he was not going to make it through the night unless he had caffeine and sugar. He glanced out the window automatically and saw that Five's light was on, and he was sitting at his desk.

There was no guarantee that he'd look up, but Tony had to try.

Do you have sugar?

Five looked up when he held the sign in front of his window. He reached to the side and wrote, and a moment later, Tony was reading what he'd written. Only if you'll come over here to get it.

Tony nodded vigorously. He could definitely walk over there. No way in hell was he going to ask Five for a favor and then expect for him to walk over to Tony's place.

Five flipped over his paper and wrote his apartment number.

Tony got up, shoved on some shoes, and hurried over. It was a good thing that it was a short walk, because it was kind of cold out, and he hadn't grabbed a jacket.

It was barely five seconds after he knocked that the door opened. "How much sugar do you need?"

"I don't know, maybe a cup?" Tony said. "It's for my coffee."

"You put sugar in your coffee?" Five asked, raising an eyebrow judgmentally.

"You don't?" Tony asked, mirroring his expression. "I guess that's fine, if you want to be miserable."

Five rolled his eyes and walked to the kitchen, pouring sugar from a large bucket to a smaller container. "Is that enough?"

"Yeah, thanks."

Five put the lid on and handed it over. Then, scarcely after Tony had his hands on it, Five put a scrap of paper on top. "That's my number. You can use it the next time you need sugar instead of hoping I look up at the right time."

Tony's heart decided to be a traitorous little bastard and started beating faster, but he hoped it didn't show in his voice when he said, "Cool; I'll do that. Thanks again," he said.

He made it back over to his apartment, saved Five's number in his phone, then sent him a text.

This is Tony, so you have my number too.

He tossed his phone onto the desk and went to pour some sugar in his coffee. On the desk, his phone buzzed with a new message.

Good to know, was all Five said. A minute later, he sent a photo of Mr. Pennycrumb. It was obvious that he'd just taken it, and the cat was glaring at him as it sat atop his laptop keyboard. The King of the universe says hello.

Tell him I love him.

And have it go to his head? But your message has been passed on.

*

Things continued in that vein for a while. Five would send him pictures of Mr. Pennycrumb in various poses-- Tony's favorite was the one where the cat had climbed into the filled bathtub and then squalled about it like it was Five's fault-- and in return, Tony would gush about how cute Mr. Pennycrumb was.

After a couple weeks of that, they started complaining about their class work, which rapidly turned into helping each other. It's not that either of them was stupid or refused to do their own work, but Five's grasp of physics was much better than Tony's (to say nothing of his understanding of chaos theory), and in return, Tony helped him with the finer points of chemistry.

And since they were helping each other with work, they might as well meet in person rather than halting texts back and forth whenever they remembered to check their phone. Tony didn't think anything of it until it was leading up to the end of the semester and he went to Five's favorite coffee shop to buy him a cup before he headed over-- instead of just letting him brew coffee like normal. Since when did Tony go out of his way to do something nice? The answer used to be: hardly ever. Now, it looked like the answer was: for about three weeks. Because he'd been doing things to try and be nice to Five for a while, even if it inconvenienced him.

With his usual tact, Tony knocked on the door and as soon as Five answered, he asked, "Are we dating?"

"We won't be if you don't hand over the coffee," Five said, his eyes going straight to the cup with laser focus.

Tony handed it over.

Five took a sip, savored it, then brushed a kiss over Tony's cheek. "Come on, I ordered your shitty pizza, and it's useless if it goes cold."

Tony walked in, closing the door behind him. Well, the kiss answered that question. Or maybe it was the way that Five had answered his question. Either way, Tony now had a boyfriend, and that was wonderful. "It makes a wonderful snack four hours into studying," Tony argued. He knew this for a fact after a dozen times of doing it. "You can shove it in your mouth without tasting it, and you don't have to wait for something to be delivered."

"Congratulations," Five said flatly. "I'm not trying it."

"Fine, suffer then." 

[nobody-wants-ice-cream]

Everything Wrong With The Umbrella Academy. Episode 6, The Day That Wasn’t.

We Only See Each Other at Weddings and Funerals

Run Boy Run

Extra Ordinary

Man on the Moon

Number Five

Disclaimer: This is all in good fun! I wanted to do a really nitpicky re-watch of the series and found some really cool and interesting things I didn’t notice before. This is meant to have a Cinema Sins-esque tone. However, I did take off a lot more sins than Cinema Sins would have because I do genuinely like the series and the people that made it possible. So all of the good things got one sin off and all the bad things got one sin added. This is a really long post, so grab some popcorn. If there’s anything that I missed, feel free to add it!

I would also like to add that normally you wouldn’t watch a show this way. I am purposefully looking for mistakes, easter eggs, and other things that we’re not supposed to notice. I am watching not with the goal of entertainment, but for analysis. So most of the things that I sin, I am seeing for the first time.

Also, no I can’t do better. I am in no way qualified to give this level of criticism about anything. 

[Today we got the s2 release date!! I am so excited. To answer any questions about that, I will probably do a season 2 version of this a year after it comes out. Since some of my sins involve fandom and any fic tropes/theories we might come up with, I want to make sure that has time to happen.]

The Day that Wasn’t 

Only Dave notices Klaus coming to Vietnam via briefcase. The flashing blue lights and loud “oof!” isn’t loud enough to wake anyone else up. +1

Cody Ray Thompson’s workout routine. -1

“Katz” isn’t a fandom thing! The dude that is yelling at all the soldiers and Klaus to get ready (some sort of commanding officer?) calls Dave “Katz”! -1

Klaus is so confused that he just puts the pants on without really questioning it. What the fuck was going on in Klaus’s head? +1

Where is Ben? +1

Right where I’m paused Klaus’s face is hilarious. “It was at this moment Klaus knew. He fucked up” -1

The Power of Boners is what keeps Klaus in the fucking Vietnam War. +1

For all future Dave sins, I am calling it The Power of Boners because Dave gets one line. As soon as the show corrects this and shows us why Dave was so wonderful, these remain sins. Sin for the show for not providing more Dave content. +1

Overly saturated forigen country cliche. +1

Seriously, why is Vietnam so orange? +1

The Doors. -1

This one shot in the foreground of the girl with white boots. I want those boots so badly. Costume people, where did you get them? Sin until I know, damnit! +1

Cool white boots are cool. -1

Klaus’s dance moves. -1

Klave. -1

Scene does not contain a lap dance. +1

Or any other indication that Dave and Klaus didn’t just make out once and decided to remain friends. Please give me more Klave content show. If anything, just to flesh out this character who motivates Klaus for half of the season. +1

Luther barges in on people in the bathroom. He has six siblings! Anyone with at least one sibling knows that barging in on people in bathrooms is a shitty move. Heh, shitty move, bathroom, get it? +1

Klaus’s face when Luther deadpans “the world’s ending in three days”. It’s the face of someone who completely forgot about that since he’s been in the 60s for ten months. -1

Also, the way Luther tells Klaus “the world’s ending in three days” is the same way I might tell my brother that it’s time for dinner. +1

“Five’s a little- [coo coo whistle]” Emmy Raver-Lampman kills this line. -1

Luther’s face when Allison asks “what did Five even see?” brings me so much joy. That is the look of complete panic. Love that. -1

Luther can’t lie for shit. Checks out. -1

Anyone with siblings can relate to Diego, Allison, and Klaus’s reaction to this bull. -1

The dramatic music leading into the little “we died” followed by a sip of coffee. Priceless. -1

Title umbrella scares the shit out of Klaus! -1

Comic power foreshadowing? Sin until we get answers. +1

Foreshadowing that Five is in HQ by sending orders that don’t follow the same format as the rest of the ones on the shoe. Fiveshaddowing? -1

Kate Walsh plays an excellent villain. Part of that evil demeanor is getting all up in Five’s personal bubble. This is the closest Five has been to someone in the entire show without any injury or being drunk. -1

The Handler is creepy. +2

Five makes demands after setting foot in the building for less than one minute. +1

The masks from the comics are on the wall in the briefcase room. -1

Based on the two agents we see in the briefcase room and Hazel and Cha Cha, the uniform of the commission assassin is a blue suit, yet all of Five’s are grey or black like management. Inconsistency. +1

Typewriters. I hate those things. +1

I think Aidan Gallagher forgot what he was doing in this scene. His expression doesn’t look like Five, it looks like some kid who is letting a math lecture wash over them. You could make the argument that Five is sort of letting this wash over him too, but I would call bullshit. Five knows how dangerous of a situation he’s in right now. He shouldn’t look this calm. +1

The Handler touching Five’s face. +3

Dot has the “i’m in danger” expression when meeting Five because Dot let Five live in hell for 45 years. Five also looks like he wants to kill her. Great acting, Patrice Goodman. -1

Five’s expression when Dot says “No hard feelings” brings me so much joy. And fear. -1

The Handler makes Five the teacher’s pet on his first day by calling him leadership material in front of his new coworkers. +1

Kate Walsh was temporarily directed by Tim Burton for this scene. +1

That weird look one of the commission management people gives Five once Five sits down and starts working. I don’t like it, I don’t like it! +1

The Hargreeves mansion looks really fucking chaotic on the roof. I don’t like it. +1

Leonard’s face at finally being allowed inside the Hargreeves mansion. Just the right dose of satisfied and creepy. Well done, John Magaro. -1

Leonard is raising so many red flags that he may as well be a stop sign. +1

Umbrella Academy action figures. Oh, Reggie. +1

Luther has to explain that everyone in the whole world dies and not just them. The Umbrella Academy School of Delayed Reactions due to Stupidity was too long of a name so Reggie shortened it to The Umbrella Academy. +1

Allison’s right, Vanya isn’t being fair. However, Allison isn’t specific about how Vanya is family but Leonard is not. Sin for both of them for being dumb as hell. +2

“I’m gonna go find Vanya” “There isn’t time, we need to figure out what causes the apocalypse” irony. +1

“Nuclear war” cited as one of the possible causes of the apocalypse. Comics fans, enjoy this sin off. -1

“But I’m thinking this is about the Moon, right?” well yeah, but not for the reasons you think. Foreshadowing the moon. -1

That creepy portrait of Five behind Diego. No, not the big one, the other one by the bar. What the fuck, Reggie? +1

Leonard steals the action figure of The Monocle (reggie for those who don’t know the comics), which symbolizes the way Leonard feels he is controlling the Academy through Vanya. -1

Leonard is creepy. +1

Ben doesn’t realize that Klaus is going through withdrawal despite seeing it the day before. Sure, Ben could have been more focused on the tourture, but because Ben points out Klaus’s withdrawal by name in Man on the Moon, we can assume he noticed and that this is a continuity error. +1

Vanya’s powers affecting the world around her as soon as she is a safe distance away from the academy because reasons. Seriously, there should have been at least something while she was confronting her siblings. Show plays fast and loose with the rules of Vanya’s powers. +1

“If you tie me up after.” “Come again?” Diego and Klaus have the most sibling like relationship on this entire show. -1

Klaus’s Diego impression. -1

Excessive use of the word “bro”. One sin for every time I have to hear it in this scene. +2

“Mr. Five”. Is Five’s first name “Number” or did he not give the Commission any other name? Does this imply that he doesn’t go by Five Hargreeves? +1

This is one of the few scenes where Aidan Gallagher no longer looks like Aidan Gallagher and instead looks like Five. Acting. -1

Dot is really trying to get murdered. Don’t engage the man you put through hell for almost fifty years, moron. +1

The Handler has nothing better to do than to stalk Five. Does this lady have a job or did she take the day off specifically for this? What was she doing in the tube room?+1

The origin of “deadly little thing” is fucking Gloria? Really, fandom? +1

Five is too good of an actor. I understand why Aidan Gallagher might make some of these choices as an actor but I don’t understand how a man who grew up alone in the apocalypse can act this well. +1

The Handler keeps singling Five out in front of his coworkers. +1

The Handler’s arm around Five’s shoulders. +1

Creepy dude is back. I’m not even going to try and look up this guy’s name, but the expression suggests something I don’t want to think about. +1

Creepy guy’s name is Herb. Of course it is. +1

The file Five picks up just has a smiley face inside of it, which suggests that the Handler put it there as a red herring. Nice touch, show. -1

Gender neutral bathrooms. -1

Five’s expression when the Handler continues talking to him as she is peeing. -1

The Handler talks to Five while peeing. Gross. +2

His expression when she starts coughing is so funny. -1

Rugae +1

The Handler peeks over the door of the bathroom stall. +10

Cha Cha says, “Sure, shoot” when Hazel asks if he can ask her a question. +1

Where did the gunshot come from if Cha Cha didn’t shoot Hazel? I get they’re using it to make us think that she did, but there is no other explanation for the noise. +1

Luther frantically searching for his moon research makes me very sad. +1

Also, I’m kind of bored with this episode at this point. It’s such a low episode with the only interesting parts that make me as excited as the last episode Number Five, being the Commission parts. Everything else is kind of boring. Pick up the pace, show. +1

Reggie is a dick to Luther. +7

Luther looks so lost and broken and sad. I’m sad. Fuck you, Reggie. +1

Why the fuck was Luther carrying an axe?? +2

And rope?? +2

When and where did Luther find the time and money to get the engraved gold locket for Allison? This interaction is so full of plot holes and stupidity. +1

However, Cameron Brodeur and Eden Cupid do well with this dumb writing. -1

Seriously, who wrote this scene? The fact that I can’t bring myself to care about what is going on right now says a lot. +1

Reggie jump scare. +1

Cliche record scratch. How did that happen? Did Luther or Allison bump into it? Sin for lack of clarity and for destroying a record. +1

“Fun and games are restricted to Saturdays between noon and half past noon” Reggie is a dick to his children. +7

Klaus and Diego bonding. Literally? -1

Ben is in this scene! -1

I forgot how weird the soundtrack is for this scene. It’s too ominous. Scoring is important. +1

“Dave must have been a very special person to put up with all your weird-ass shit.” -1

“He was kind and strong and vulnerable and beautiful” that’s great, show. Why don’t you show us that instead of having Klaus say it. Just once scene where Dave shows these qualities so that he’s a real person instead of someone created to drive Klaus’s storyline? Please? +1

I feel really bad for Ben in this scene. From Ben’s perspective, he wasn’t good enough to motivate Klaus to get sober, but this random guy was. Ben angst. +1

Also, Justin Min manages to convey this without any lines. Major props. That takes some serious skill. -2

Bro. +1

“Everyone I like is already dead”. Fridging. +1

I can’t tell if this is Ben walking away or if this is the transition between Diego and Klaus’s point of views. If this is meant to imply the pov switch, It would have been easier to have Ben disappear from the same spot. If it’s Ben walking away because he can’t take being told that he isn’t good enough to get sober for, Ben angst. Either way, it’s a sin. +1

“Aww shit! I need to pee.” Diego’s expression is amazing. -1

“If this [having powers] is even true, everything I know about myself would be different.” That is Vanya’s storyline in a nutshell. This line is really underrated. -1

All of Leonard’s lines point towards the book. All of them. Which makes total sense. -1

Vanya is starting to show more sass and personality because the pills are gone. I wish fanfic writers would explore this. Including myself, I am sinning fanfic writers for not taking into account how cool Vanya is without the meds. +1

“I’m sorry you got stuck with the ordinary one” See! +1

“Ordinary” This word keeps coming up. Probably because of the whole rumor situation that we’re not supposed to know about yet. Rewatches are fun. -1

“My life is so weird” “I like weird”. And if you weren’t such a colossal creep, Leonard/Harold, I would like you too. This line is super sweet. Sin for manipulation. +1

Ellen Page isn’t my girlfriend. Have you seen this scene recently? She looks so cute/hot/beautiful here. +1

No transition, just straight from Leonard and Vanya kissing to The Handler slurping her smoothie. It’s jarring. +1

I want to know why they decided that killing Archduke Ferdinand would start World War I. Noodle incident. +1

“I had a bad Twinkie in the apocalypse once. Kinda put me off desserts.” Yet you still ate the fluffernutter sandwich, Five? +1

The Handler’s office is really cool. Once again, set designers you win this one. -1

Why would Five go straight for a decade instead of a flavor? How does something taste like the 1950s before it tastes like a popular candy from the time for example? +1

The suit is blue like the rest of the time travel assassins have. This suggests a uniform that the Commission didn’t make Five wear before, and suggests a sort of power play. Details. -1

The Handler is a fucking creep. +1

“M26 grenades from the Vietnam war”. This is the comment that sparked the theory that the Commission killed Dave. I want answers. +1

The candy that tastes like the 50s is really chewy. Why is Five still chewing it? +1

The Handler gives Five a pistol and he doesn’t immediately shoot her, which suggests that the pistol is empty. So why was the grenade still operational if the other weapons were not? You would think she would make sure that the grenades couldn’t be used against her. +1

The Handler is a fucking creep. I think Aidan Gallagher was a little uncomfortable in this scene. The look in his eyes isn’t something you can fake. +1

Kate Walsh is an awesome actress. -1

Out of all the candies in the bowl, Five conveniently takes one that is an actual candy and one that is a tracker. +1

So I want to talk about Luther. I think the show did him a great disservice by setting up his story this way. Compared to the Commission stuff, Luther’s story arc doesn’t seem important, hence the “Dad sent me to the Moon” jokes. If this was in a better order, then maybe the fandom would like Luther more. Not that I know what that order should have been, but it definitely shouldn’t have been this one. This whole episode seems kind of disorganized and Luther’s character suffers for it. After this sin, I’m going to shut up about it, so I’ll just add a few and move on. +5

“Four years of my life. A lie” “What an asshole” That’s a bit of an understatement, Allison. Seriously, this Moon research has got to have some value to it. Luther was studying the moon for four fucking years. Who knows what kind of crazy shit he could have found out about the moon’s atmosphere and what the Earth was like when the moon split from it. Those soil samples would tell us a lot about what the developing planet Earth was like. Luther’s moon research is important scientific material. And Reggie just locked it away. +3

This scene is excellent independently. Tom Hopper and Emmy Raver-Lampman play off each other extremely well. -1

“Can I show you something?” +1

The tools in the greenhouse have not moved in seventeen years. +1

And neither has the dust free record player. +1

Two cans of generic cola from seventeen years ago. And these two morons drink them. The family brain cell is dying. +1

This is such a sibling moment. Trying to do something nice and then it all goes up in flames? Sibling. Culture. -1

You know what isn’t sibling culture? The fucking locket. +3

This is a really human moment for Cha Cha. Burning the note shows that deep down, she cares about Hazel. -1

However, I don’t understand why she’s so pissed about Agnes. Is the show trying to ship Hazel and Cha Cha? Because that would be a stretch and I really don’t see it. +1

Klaus asking for one last hit is believable. Diego’s reaction is really good too. Well done. -1

Klaus’s ptsd. Putting my boy through trauma. +1

The wound on Dave’s chest has to be an exit wound. He was behind the barrier, so there’s no way he could have been shot from the front by the enemy. Someone (like a Commission agent) shot him from the back. So I guess we sort of got answers? I’m going to sin this until we know for sure. +1

Klaus is distraught. My poor boy. +1

Why is the chandelier still on the ground? You would think somebody would have attempted to pick that up at this point, right? It’s been two days. +1

Grace’s more relaxed hairstyle shows that she isn’t under Reggie’s strict control anymore. The tight pin curls are now replaced by gorgeous waves. Symbolism, well done hair stylist. -1

Grace lies because Pogo is standing behind Diego. Otherwise, I think she would have told him the truth right then and there. Secrets. +1

Yo, @ Luther. Who the fuck eats a hot dog like that? +1

Also, it was bright daylight when Diego was talking to Grace and now it’s pitch black out. What happened in those hours? +1

Talking about their regrets, Allison says “we can’t go back”. Insert every season 2 headcanon and the whole “Where are they?” tag line from the season 2 promos. +1

Allison attempts to see the silver lining of child abuse. This works and is a valid coping mechanism that I think is totally in character. Well done, writers. -1

The kiss on the cheek is very “this is the last time I will see my sibling whom I love very dearly and who also loves me for me”. This should have been it for Allison and Luther kissing because it’s a really good moment. -1

I love the dancing in the moonlight scene because it’s a reference to something from the comics. -1

The choreography is really, really good. Emma Portner fucking rules. -1

And I love the earrings that Allison is wearing. No joke, someone please tell me where I can find them, they’re adorable and I would love to have them. -1

However, the show made us see two sibling characters kiss. In a very romantic way. +15

And it’s very clear that this kiss happens outside of the fantasy too. +15

Also, without the lights and the music, were Allison and Luther just two weirdos dancing in the park to nothing? +1

The transition to get back to the Commission is really good. -1

“Gloria. The Handler knows that Five is up to something. Get this to Hazel and Cha Cha immediately.” Was the extra info about Five necessary? I feel like a regular person wouldn’t say that. +1

Gloria doesn’t know who the second best assassins are. +1

Five gets that stapler out of nowhere. This goes back to his unexplained power from episode 1, but now the question is: Is this switching power stapler based? +1

Five’s expression when he finally gets the name of the man who will cause the apocalypse. -1

And now we know the origin of the terminate Hazel message. Five, you clever bastard. -1

Did we see the terminate Cha Cha message before this? I can’t remember. If we didn’t then it’s a great reveal. If we did, then I didn’t care enough to pay attention. [I looked back] We didn’t. Great reveal. -1

Five, hide your bodies better so they don’t start waking up for comedic timing. +1

The comedic timing of Gloria waking back up. -1

“You’re a first rate pragmatist!” no he’s not. Have you been paying attention to Five’s character at all, Handler? If he was, then he never would have broken his contract because he was safe in the Commission.+1

Also, this is what a lot of fanfic writers base Five off of. Not his actual character, this fucking line. Sin for the fandom. +1

Why did they have to split up this scene? The Handler just attempted to shoot Five and now we’re supposed to care about Mom and Diego?? +1

Grace finally gets to tell the truth! Sin for Pogo and Reggie for forcing her to lie. +1

The truth. -1

The Commission desk people do care about Gloria. Caring. -1

Vanya finding Reggies book. This could have been the original trigger to the apocalypse in the first timeline. I want answers. How did it go down originally? +1

Dave! -1

“I do owe a debt. But it’s not to you.” This is one of those lines that will be referenced in a future season. “See, [this character and/or relationship] was referenced in season 1” or something like that. This is my favorite Five line, too. -2

Five once again stands too close to an explosion. Fuckin’ run, dude! +1

The ending of this episode reminds me of the “and it was all just a dream” ending that 5th graders write. Nothing in this episode has any consequences. +3

And I am adding back the sins I took off and then some for the important bits like Diego and Klaus bonding, Grace telling Diego all the secrets, and Klaus seeing Dave. +4

Wednesday. 8:15 A.M. (...again). The time stamp is pretty good though. -1

“What gives us a win this time?” And then Five appears. -1

Five snatches Allison’s coffee. And he should be bleeding from the shrapnel wound. +2

Allison’s face when Five snatches her coffee. -1

Diego, Luther, Klaus, and Allison are all watching Five stumble weird and chug Allison’s coffee with the funniest expressions. I want to know what they were thinking. Ya know, beyond “What the Fuck?”. +1

Those expressions, though. -1

“So if y’all don’t get your sideshow acts together” Five this whole season has been you saving the world and everyone else as a sideshow act. That’s gonna take a lot more effort than saving the world. +1

Aidan Gallagher fucking nails this scene. Expletive required. This is why I respect him as an actor. This scene would have been so easy to over act, but he kills this monologue.  -5

If you look closely at Five’s hair, it looks sort of like the triangular shape from the comics. I can’t tell if that was intentional, but it was a good detail. Hair department. -1

“Who the hell is Harold Jenkins” followed by a coffee slurp. That is how they end the episode? Really? It would have been stronger without the coffee. +1

Season 2 comes out on July 31, 2020! I got the announcement just as I was finishing this episode! I’ll take off a sin because we finally know! Whoop!! -1

Overall review:

After the powerhouse that is episode 5, this episode feels odd and out of place. My favorite parts were the Commission parts, and everything else felt like an interruption. Even more so when you consider that the commission parts are the only parts of the episode that actually happened. Sure, it’s great character building, but without any consequences, it feels cheap. I feel like I’ve said everything I needed to say, so I won’t get crazy with the analysis. I would say more if anything in this episode actually mattered. 

Total: 112

Sentence: The Umbrella Academy of Reacting to things Slowly due to Stupidity. Say that 10 times fast. Then I will undo all your hard work through the power of time travel. Seriously, fuck this ending. 

[pkmntrainergreyze]

The Apocalypse Suite (Tyler Joseph x Reader)

a/n: My frens know I’m trash for The Umbrella Academy and I suggest you read it. Real amazing comic series and characters. I noticed not a lot of people write an imagine using TUA, so yeah, expect major similarities.

Although I tweaked the plot and characters a bit, there are still spoilers regarding the Apocalypse Suite (or the comics at least, maybe the netflix adaption is different) (best hope it won’t be death note v2).

So yeah, read The Umbrella Academy before it airs on Netflix.

(p.s: there are .cbr files you can download free on getcomics and you can open them with the comic reader app. you didn’t hear it from me)

Warning ⚠: The Umbrella Academy Spoilers (duh)

————–

Tyler sighed and leaned on the plane’s window. The greasy caramel haired boy gripped his small keyboard tight. The child’s goo eyes observed his adopted brothers and sisters fight against France’s morale skyscraper at 6:26 in the morning. He can’t deduce why they have missions everyday. His father— Monocle won’t tell.

The Eiffel Tower’s summit glowed green. Number 3 (Pete/Rumor) twisted reality with his lies so citizens will evacuate. Fortunately every lie he says come true.

Number 1 (Ryan/Moonboy) hollered in command and only Number 6 (Brendon/Panic!)’s stomach tentacles seem to follow his lead. Ryan has super strength and loves playing leader while Brendon had monsters frolicking under his skin that is sometimes under his control.

When the tower ascended, Number 2 ((Y/n)/Kraken) prepared the blades. She’s known to be a knife casting child that can hold her breath for a day— and a brat.

But she’s his first favorite “sibling”. She’s the only one that shared his interests and understood him, together with Number Five. They wrote songs together— hers mostly about cryotic messages on how to utterly destroy Hargreeves with humiliation and his about beliefs and religion. The three of them could make a great band.

Oh, and Tyler has a school boy crush on her.

And now Number 4 (Frank/Séance) floated, aiming to contact the dead engineer for assistance. He’s psychic for a reason.

All those abilities made them equal in strength, aside from Number 7. Unlike his siblings superpowers, he’s a talentless slob with mediocre piano skills babysitted on Hargreeves’s private plane.

Out of 43 children, he was the seventh chosen for the Umbrella Academy. Sir Hargreeves claimed his orphans are gifted with abilities the norm can only imagine, yet he doesn’t seem to exhibit the description.

“Dad— I mean, Sir Monocle, Sir? Why can’t I play with the others?”

“Well Number Seven… There’s just nothing SPECIAL about you”

Tyler bobbed his head.

“Oh”

Inside, Tyler rebuked. But if he dare defy his father, he’ll be a reject in the streets. So he bottled it in, and inquired another instead.

“Where’s J— Number Five, Sir? I don’t see him anywhere” He asked, praying the man won’t reply insultingly.

“The Future, I presume. Ran away from home, no doubt. I can’t be sure, nor be bothered”

Tyler gasped at this— but envied his foster brother. The Kraken and Number Five were his closest friends, and one of them banished without him? Other than that how could a man— a father say that so blandly?

Hargreeves looked down, his monocle glinted him blind.

“Why don’t you go and play your piano?”

TWENTY YEARs LATER

“Does anyone wish to say anything?”

(Y/n) sighed and leaned on the nearest tree. They lost Brendon a few years back— and now Monocle. She discovered it’s better crying over a dirty calamari than a tyrant’s death. She barely casted a gaze down her father’s corpse. She did not like dusting her superhero custome for any occasion.

It obviously took a lot of time and money  polishing this funeral. Hell, it seemed like a wedding.

Everyone took giant leaps to be there. Her brother Ryan literally landed from space, Pete appeared after signing divorce papers from some guy named Patrick, Frank probably floated across the American borders and the most shocking news is their long time missing brother Number 5 came back from the future.

(It’s easy to spot who’s Number Five, considering he hadn’t aged a bit. He’s his seventy year old mind self trapped in his ten year old body)

Thank God the paparazzi met their dead end in front of the gates or else unanswerable questions will drill their heads to sleep.

But back to the present. Pogo, their talking caretaker chimpanzee’s question remained unanswered.

Ryan and Pete, the last of Hargreeves’s favorites inventions wore a grim expression. On the other hand Frank, Number Five, and (Y/n) displayed no sign of remorse. None of them dared to talk, not wanting to piss off one another.

Thankfully, Mrs Hargreeves took the spotlight. She wore a black trench coat to emphasize her husband’s death. She had puffy cheeks and looked like she cried before she arrived. The sight made Pete’s heart ache a bit. She was made to be the best mom. Equally a delicate and nice lady.

She began talking about how Gerard wasn’t the greatest father— and an even worse husband, in which everyone agreed fully. But when she spoke about him caring more about saving the world than personal relationship like a hero…

The Kraken called her words bullshit.

Pete and Ryan tried to warn Mrs Hargreeves, but it was too late.

If it’s barely a human being, how could it be a mother? It’s pathetic, a pathetic waste.

No one can make a mother out of parts and removable limbs. Why did everyone have to live their lives with everything plastered in man made inventions? No, they’re not superheros.

(Y/n) gripped her coat from behind and in one swift motion— she revealed her mother’s true nature.

They were all Sir Gerard-Fucking-Hargreeves’s lab rats.

Mrs Hargreeves’s body bared open organ systems and a stray heart. She cried, humiliated “I’m sorry…”

She sobbed “I shouldn’t have come”

Pete covered her with his jacket and cooed “It’s okay Mom”

Ryan grumbled in (Y/n)’s ear. This turmoil meant nothing in her head, and Mr Fly-Me-To-The-Moon can’t intimidate her.

“I’m warning you Kraken—”

“OR WHAT?!” She screamed and pushed his chest “YOU GONNA BEAT YOUR PROSTHETIC CHEST HARGREEVES CREATED?”

“EVERYTHING’S A LIE, COWBOY! HE LEFT US WITH NOTHING BUT A MAUSOLEUM FULL OF QUESTIONS AND A PIECE OF PLASTIC FOR A MOTHER”

She gazed at her mother’s synthetic black hair “Those tears aren’t even real”

Pete’s head snapped, bawling as he yelled “WELL THESE ARE”

(Y/n) flinched.

“Then too bad Tyler isn’t here” She mumbled. Pogo pressed a button and the casket lowered.

“He could play his piano…”

Not an hour had passed before Ryan and (Y/n) gripped each other’s throat in an almost ordinary fashion. This time, Moon had the upper hand. He pointed a ray gun against her temple, harnessing energy while his finger neared the trigger. And before (Y/n) could vision hanging out beside Bren’s pretty corpse, Number Five intervened.

“Maybe I wasn’t clear on what I saw back in the future!” He yelped.

“The world was destroyed just three days after Gerard’s death!”

Ryan froze.

Number Five looked down his watch “Time is running out”

Rumor scoffed at Moon “You haven’t changed a bit”

And when they thought everything is at peace, Pogo rode Séance’s shoulder as he flew, pointed at the carnival then screamed “Look!”

“The carnival! It’s on FIRE!”

It’s quite far from the mansion, but Ryan’s height and Frank’s psychic abilities let them saw the burning image. Moon’s face solidified. “The Niners” He muttered subconsciously

Séance groaned. Everyone except Number Five— who wasn’t there for the last two decades— hauled in a state of annoyance. Rumor shook his head, this again?

“The what?” Number Five asked.

“When we last fought Dr Nicholas Bourbaki he told us the next time we reform the Terminants will activate…”

Ryan looked down at the child.

“Which means Tyler is in the City”

Everyone headed back to the Mansion. One of the perks of being Sir Hargreeves’s children is the access to the televator— a teleporting elevator. They all thought of it the second they realized one of them is astray.

But Tyler isn’t the only prodigal sibling.

“Moon–” Pogo called out, noting (Y/n)’s lack of presence “The Kraken!”

“Let her get killed, cause according to the terminants…

We’re a team again”

Tyler sat in a taxi cab after rejecting an offer to hypothetically— destroy massive civilization by playing his piano, scavenging his keyboard bag for his pills. After all, how could his “adequate” piano skills help an apocalypse inducing orchestra?

He had enough. He thought being the lamest sibling in the Umbrella Academy will be the last line in his autobiography but it wasn’t. He also happened to cause another villain outbreak.

He can barely see the man in the driver seat, but if it weren’t hallucination then he paid a shadow.

He hoped the shadow, unicorn– whatever the hell is behind the wheel would drive faster so he could warn his family.

“Are you alright man? Y'know you look like—” The driver was cut off when a loud bang erupted.

“The carnival— It’s on fire!”

Tyler looked at the window. The carnival was indeed crackling in flames. He humphed. The rollercoaster looked way cooler morphing ashes.

“I bet it’s my family” He poured pills down his palm “change of plans”

“Drive me there” He glanced back at the amusement park. There are two groups of enemies on the loose.

But he prayed more that one of his siblings in particular will forgive him for what he had done in the past.

“And drive faster”

The Kraken flung another knife at the cloaked robot. The children on the ride’s boat ride hugged each other, chanting their quote on quote last words. Fuck them for thinking anyone else except Moon can’t save them.

God, (Y/n) hated these Niners. Next time Dr Nicholas design something it better look cooler and not look like wannabe cults. Oh wait— He’s dead! She forgot.

(Y/n) punched one down and roundhouse kicked the other. And as the others made their way another blade passed through their brains, splattering oil everywhere.

If only Number Five finished his check-up with Pogo earlier then he might’ve enjoyed fighting alongside her. They both missed each other’s company, most especially Five.

The woman was bleeding from her appendix down her right thigh— yet she determined the appropriate time vocalize they owe her a costume.

While she evacuated the three ungrateful souls, Tyler made his way south the carousel.

As he ran closer, the picture of Moon from afar about to punch a self-destructive robot went clearer.

“My God” He sprinted toward about to warn him “MOON!!”

Behind a trashcan ejected another enemy pointing a ray gun

“PATIENCE IS VIRTUE_! TARGET 00.07 ACQUIRED_!”

Tyler looked back, and saw approximately ten missiles ahead.

Ryan barely heard his scream however, someone else did.

“DAMNIT!”

(Y/n) pushed him down, with her on top. Her face contorted beyond pissed. They laid at the ground, both in pain. Tyler thanked God he stayed alive— but when he saw the look on the her face, he found out the half of the upcoming verbal abuse.

“What the hell are you doing here!” She screamed right at his face “You think you can show your face after all these years?!”

Tyler frowned.

“I… I wanted to help! There’s something I need to tell you, (Y/n)!”

Her chest tightened. It’s been a while since someone called her by her name.(Y/n) scoffed and laughed, repressing the warm feeling pooling inside her with the acidic truth.

“You left.”

He left when (Y/n) needed her the most. Being a teenager in Hargreeves’s manor was the saddest you could be. She shared chunks of her dreams with him— and he left to some pretentious academy because the person she hated the most told him so.

Another robot went boom after Ryan smashed it. Through the smoke he saw the illusion of The Pianist and Kraken together. (Y/n) covered him from Moon’s sight. She’d rather let him leave.

“The only thing you’re helping us is getting killed, and there’s nothing else I want to hear from you”

She towered above him.

“I… used to think I have a brother” At that time, Tyler felt tears roll against his warm cheeks. He avoided her gaze, but doing so does not make the situation easier, just made him seem more in denial.

“But I’ve got nobody”

That had to be the worst thing he heard all day. Much, much worse than hearing a proposal about universal destruction.

“Get lost” (Y/n) commanded.

He did, he scampered as fast as he could. She watch him crawl and trip out of her sight. She thought she might be masochistic for liking the sight of people leaving her… again… and again…

“Kraken” Ryan called out. And with that, (Y/n) Hargreeves transformed back to just Kraken.

“Thanks” She pertained to the broken robot that nearly killed her. Cause there’s no way she’s talking about it.

“Was that Tyler?” Pete asked. Frank wanted to ask the same question but he has to excuse his language to the children around him.

“Just a citizen” She gently grabbed one of the rescued injuired girls to the ambulance.

“No one SPECIAL”

———

a/n: I’ve been thinking about making this as a book, though I’m not sure everyone can understand my writing haha.

anyways, for the people who read the comics or at least saw the trailer: Who’s your favorite hero and enemy? 

Cause mine is the 100% best assassin Five, Klaus and Vanya (can’t choose, I just don’t like Luther, but Diego and Allison is pretty decent). Tho when it comes to enemies the best imo is Hazel and Cha Cha.

(… cause who needs drugs when you have cookies and guns?)

[enrinkari]

All I Ask of You

Notes: I wasn’t gonna post this. But I let @paperhats-and-evil-schemes read it and their response was:

So I’m going to make all you suffer as well. Also here’s the song if you’ve never seen Phantom of the Opera before. (PLEASE WATCH IT.)

Previous Works in order: Love is a Scien…tist || Heating Up (NSFW) ||  How To (Not) Deal With Feelings: Eldritch Edition || You’re Totally My (Blood) Type (NSFW) || One Word, Four Letters

Rainy days always made Black Hat restless. He couldn't explain why, but the rain made him feel uneasy, and he couldn't stay in one spot for long. Making another round around the manor, he heard noise coming out of one of the rooms. Getting closer to it, he realized it was what Flug had called a "common room," which was a weird name for a room. Flug had set it up with books, a couch, and a tv with a dvd player for guests who were waiting for Black Hat to have something to do while they waited. Black Hat prefered them suffer in boredom, but he didn't want to say no to Flug, so he allowed it. Wondering who was in there now, he hid in the shadows and silently floated in.

Flug, in a tank and pajama pants, and Aphro, also in a tank and pajama shorts, sat on the floor in front of the tv watching some sort of musical, from what Black hat could gather. Looks like they were having a movie night. A little annoyed that they were here and not working, he sighed and focused on the movie. Ah, The Phantom of the Opera. I didn't know Flug liked these types of movies. Wait until he finds out who the Phantom was based on. The movie was about in the middle, where Raoul and Christine are confessing their love to each other in song. Black Hat stuck his tongue out in disgust. He still wasn't used to the feeling of love and it still made him a little sick.

Hearing sniffling, he turned and saw tears in not only Aphro's eyes, but Flug's as well. It took all his willpower to not laugh, as he couldn't believe this was getting to Flug, but to also not curl around Flug to comfort him, as he didn't like seeing him sad even if it was over a stupid movie. At the end of the song, Aphro paused the movie so they could both collect themselves. "Their love is just so...pure!" she said between sobs.

"I mean, I feel sorry for the Phantom, but the chemistry between Christine and Raoul is just too much. They were meant for each other!" Flug sniffled, cleaning the tear marks off his goggles.

"And for him to just serenade her like that...just oof!" Aphro sighed and leaned back against the couch. "I think I'd instamarry anyone who tried that on me."

Flug laughed a little at her. "Yeah, it might be nice."

"You think Hatty would ever try that with you?" Aphro asked, getting close to Flug's face, waiting for an answer.

"I mean, I never know what Black Hat is or isn't going to do, but to be honest I don't think so," Flug replied, pushing her away. "Not that he couldn't, but it just doesn't seem like a Black Hat thing, you know? It's too...romantic? Not that he isn't romantic! Just, in his own way?" Flug sighed, getting flustered.

"Don't worry Fluggy, I understand. I'll just do it myself." Aphro stood up and started waltzing across the room, singing some of Raoul's part from the song. Flug started laughing at her, then stopped briefly when he felt something brush against the back of his neck. He looked around and saw nothing, so just shook it off and went back to laughing at Aphro.

Black Hat floated back to his office. He had some planning, and practicing, to do.

-----------

Humming absentmindedly, Flug was trying to fix a broken Hat Bot, focusing on his work. Demencia had really given her all to destroying this one when he had used it to remove her from the lab. So focused was Flug that he didn't notice the tentacles until they pulled him backwards into the arms of Black Hat. "Why hello there," Flug said, looking up at his love with a smile in his eyes.

"Hard at work as always, I see," Black Hat purred. "Think you could put this on pause for a few? I have a surprise for you."

"What really?" Flug gave Black Hat a quizzical look. "This is different."

"Hey I'm a creature full of surprises," Black Hat said with a smirk. "Go put your good suit on and be ready in 30 minutes." He lifted Flug's bag and gave him a gentle kiss before disappearing into the shadows.

Flug sighed happily. He really didn't care what the surprise was, as long as it meant some alone time with Black Hat. Forgetting all about the Hat Bot, he raced to his room to get changed.

-----

30 minutes later, Flug was wondering where he was supposed to meet Black Hat. He didn't say, and Flug's mind was distracted so he forgot to ask. So instead he just paced in his room, suddenly very nervous about this "surprise" Black Hat had planned.

As if on cue, a portal opened up near Flug. He looked at it and watched as a tentacle slowly came through. Reaching for it, the tentacle slowly pulled Flug through the portal. On the other side was Black Hat, looking more regal than ever. His suit and hat now had gold trim, and his monocle had a gold frame around it. "You look amazing," Black Hat breathed as he saw Flug appear.

"Me? Look at you! You normally only get like this when you want to paint yourself," Flug replied. He looked around, trying to figure out where he was. They were outside, the starry sky and full moon beaming down on them. They were on what seemed to be a roof, though the building was not modern, as there were no railings of any kind. Gothic statues were near the edges, equal feet apart from each other. Walking all over, he called over to Black Hat. "Where are we?"

Instead of hearing Black Hat answer, he instead heard a violin being played. He turned around and his eyes went wide. Black Hat was playing a beautiful melody, eyes closed as he focused on the music. Flug knew Black Hat could play the violin, but had never heard it himself; it was something Black Hat liked to do alone. Completely captivated, he walked over to Black Hat and just listened.

As Black Hat finished playing the melody, he opened his eyes and grinned at Flug. "So. You don't think I can be romantic, do you Flug?" he asked.

"What? No! I know you can be!" Flug went into worry mode. "You're just romantic in your own special way not in the traditional sense which is fine I don't care either way I real-"

"Shhhh." Two tentacles slowly came out of Black Hat and took over playing his violin. He pulled Flug close to him and placed his hands on Flug's hips. "Just slow dance with me, my mate."

Flug was glad there was no way anyone could see him blush, because he figured if they could he'd be red as a tomato right now. Who is this Black Hat, and why is this just everything? He rested his arms on Black Hat's shoulders and leaned against his chest as they swayed to the violin. Listening carefully, Flug realized that the song Black Hat was playing was Christine and Raoul's confession song. Closing his eyes, Flug started to hum along.

Alright Black Hat. Now or never. Prove to this human how fucking romantic you can be. Even if you are going to vomit later when he isn't looking. Quietly, Black Hat started to sing Raoul's part of the song.

Then say you'll share with me One love, one lifetime Let me lead you from your solitude

Flug, gasping, opened his eyes and looked up at Black Hat. Black Hat looked back at Flug with nothing but love and admiration as he kept on singing.

Say you need me with you here, beside you Anywhere you go, let me go too My Flug, that's all I ask of you

Near tears, Flug picked up Christine's part.

Say you'll share with me One love, one lifetime Say the word and I will follow you

They stopped swaying and pulled their bodies against each others as they sang together.

Share each day with me Each night, each morning

Flug whispered the next part, his heart racing.

Say you love me

Black Hat leaned down and gently took Flug's bag off.

You know I do

They touched their foreheads together, finishing out the song.

Love me, that's all I ask of you

[bigbrothermonopoly]

EPISODE 2:

HOH: KRISTINE

EVICTED: NICKY (WALKED)

JESS:

Kristine being in power scares me shitless. I know I haven't exactly been the MOST social person in this game and I've been very UTR the last couple of days/ non existent but I always felt like I was good with Kristine. I don't know? I thought we talked a good bit at least in comparison to others.... but then after she won I called her the HBIC and homegirl told me she loved my ass kissing. That HOHITIS is real with this one ladies. I offered up my services as a potential person to work with moving forward and she ignored my offer. She literally swerved me. Straight up IGNORED me and focused on what I said about not being social. So there is a good chance I'm going up and if I don't go up it isn't because Kristine doesn't want it.. it'll probably be because others don't want it. At least I hope? I'm trying NOT to go into crisis mode on the second HOH but... old habits die hard? I think that's the quote? I think if I had to write a "trust list" for this game.. honestly.. I'm feeling really good about Kori. I THINK we could go far together and we'd balance out each other well. Obviously he's a good player and I'm going to need that on my side moving forward. Eve is obviously my #1 right now but it'd be naive on me not to believe that others aren't saying the same about her. I really like Andrew but we don't talk game? But I guess I can improve on that? Those are the 3 people I'm vibing with right now. 

KORI:

Ok so at this point I'm not entirely sure if I made a DR entry earlier or not, I planned on making a video but at this point it'd just get too long. Rehder going unanimously is STILL a meme to me but here we are. Kristine winning HoH was honestly alright for me because I feel like she and I have a reasonably good relationship. Though I'm not sure it could ever be something long term because she's likely working with people I have no desire to work with. (Dem, Chris, Brien, those guys.) Emma and I had a serious talk about long term what we wanna do about Eve since we seem pretty in agreement that the current dynamic is Jess and Mackenzie are Eve's Top 2 Bitches, and we're like probably the Bottom 2 Bitches. Personally I think the best time for Eve to go is like F7ish but obviously we need more time for things to progress to see where we sit. I think longterm the Mandela Monocles are a better alliance for me since I think I could sit next to Austin OR Silence and win. I just can't sit next to Gwen who I really think just has a better personality than me. With Kristine nominating Madison it... isn't really ideal for me, but Madison is also pretty isolated at this point. While we have that Mitten Connection, if she is lacking any connection with others in this game I can't go dragging my feet for her... That being said, I think eliminating Nicky this round, would not be like... the WORST thing ever. It'd just be a question of convincing Gwen that it's a good idea. Though the harder thing would be convincing others that keeping Madison is a good idea. While I like her, I'm not sure it's in my best interest to leave tracks trying to keep her in the game. Obviously it's gonna depend on how Veto goes, if noms stay the same I might push a little for a Nicky boot and see what happens, but if it's not gonna happen I'll just cut my losses. (Though with Nicky doing his thing he seems likely to dig his own grave.)

AUSTIN:

I am feeling very comfortable this week. I’m in the power trap alliance with Chris, Kristine, Dem, and Emma. I’m also in the Mandela Monocles alliance with Gwen, Silence, and Kori. Kristine is currently HoH so I don’t think she will put me on the block. I have suspicions that Emma is working with Eve because when we were playing the HoH competition, Emma refused to take Eve out. I’m just glad that one of my alliances is in power.

KRISTINE:

Love the alliance. So happy I won HOH and got to be in power. The veto comp didn’t go as well as planned tbh. I’m sooo upset that I didn’t do as well as I wanted I was up at 200 something and then lost it all over a very stupid roll. But it’s fine whether I win this or not I know I’ll get my way. Nicky is going home, let’s just hope he doesn’t win HOH. Don’t ever argue with the HOH when you’re the one on the block LOL!!!

NICKY:

CAN I LIVE? Can i fucking live? there are 16 other people in this and yet i got nommed for a stupid reason yet again. 

WILLIAM:

I'm so glad I escaped this week without being nominated!!! I feel so much better this week than last week! At the end of last week I thought for sure I was gonna leave pre-jury but now I feel like I've made so many real connections and I feel like I am in a great spot with many people

ANDREW:

episode 2 This could be super naive of me to say and a little cocky and i know it 100% IS but i feel like almost everyone in this game loves me besides nicky, i think im just playing a really good social game im scared of eve for some reason i feel like she is the only person possibly playing a better game than me. just get those competitive af vibes from her, i will not go after her unless she comes for me doe. shes super cute tho love her vibes, and I think me and Jess formed and alliance just now As of now Austin Jess and Chris are my top 3 in that order Update: I love Eve, we had an emotional heart to heart about STUFF, ill never forget it and i appreciate her for it so much, even if we don't end up being on the same side in this game together, the bitch is dope. I fucking love these noms dude, my 2 least favorite people sittingpretty on the block and i had nothing to do with it. HORNY cuz they wont even be coming for me. I hope nicky fucking bombs veto. "i cant talk to all 16 of u at once" ya....nobody fuckin asked you too but kristines point is sometimes a simple HELLO can save u from being nominated But regardless im proud of her and her tatse. * has one mixed drink and suddenly wants to fight nicky for no reason * oops i apologized to him and i didn’t even read anything from last night after what i said bc embarrassment. idc if he accept my apology, just wanted to throw it out there so i don’t look like a total douche

CHRIS:

Well week Number two and I’m in two separate alliances, have House majority, close with a few women, beyond the game have final choose with multiple people, should not be on the block for a long time, while slowly running this game behind the scenes with Myself. This backseat life is the best life

GWEN:

Hiiii. So looks like Nicky is going home tonight. He kind of dug his own grave. He was such a party pooper during our house game on Friday. Sooo. Yeah. I’m closest with Kori and Chris - getting closer to Chris for sure. What is it with me and Chris’s in ORGs? I need to get back to work. That is all for now :)

MACKENZIE:

i really gotta uhhhhh try harder bc i feel on the lowest end of the Entire Totem Pole. i feel like if i won smthn that would change but i’m a flop so

DEM:

I actually would have kept Nicky if he had the numbers. I wish he didn't quit. I think he messed up by throwing names around, because some people actually wanted to keep him...

EMMA:

if u cant handle the heat nicky why did u sign up.. quitting is worst then getting evicted.

TAWNI:

Ok since I was out of it last round time for my cast assessment now. Since this was due prior to Nicky quitting I’ll include him Nicky - I forgot he existed week one. Actually sad he quit and was gonna leave cause he was entertaining arguing with Kristine Gwen - I love Gwen. She allows me to not be the official grandma of the game. She is very sociable which is scary. But I think I can trust her. Austin - automatically meh about him cause of his name. Pretty forgettable honestly. Mackenzie - nice gal. Nothing negative to say. Haven’t talked much. Jess - the person I’m most terrified of. When I realized she is THE boojess like fuck me. I’m scared. I feel like as long as I don’t get on her bad side I’m good. William - seems like a good kid. Kristine - I’m v intimidated by her. She won hoh and veto and seems like a very smart player. She makes me nervous. Silence - who???? Brien- ok this kid. I’m doing what I can to get him to trust me. I know he is a loyal person. But am I the person he is loyal to? Or is it someone else? How do I make sure I am that person? Dem - nothing really to say MADISON - I love her sooooooooo much. She’s like the light of my life honestly and if I find out something different I’m gonna cry. Like I feel like a betrayal from her will hurt the most in this game. Andrew - okay first off......damn. I’m aware of his sexual orientation but boy sent me a photo so I could see his tattoos and DAMN!!! I need me a straight one of him. But he is a fun character I like him. Chris - I think I freaked him out when I sent him a long message about how I’m scared of cops. But I didn’t go up week one so that happened. I’m hoping I can work my way into his good graces later. Emma - seems like a sweet gal. I enjoy her. Kori - nothing to say sorry

[shadowsfandomhellhole]

AYYYY, i finally fucking finished this!

Title: Sweet Little Doll AU: Villainous Dolls (Mine) Pairings/characters: Past paperhat/eventual paperhat, Black Hat, Dr. Flug, 505, Dementia Summary: An incident leaves Flug an Amnesiac, with no memory of who or what he is and no memory of the others, causing Black Hat and the others try and get him to remember them before its too late. Tags: living dolls, violence, angst, Ao3

Enjoy!

In the world there were two types of humans, the normal ones, and then the Dolls. More commonly known as Living Dolls, these mortals are not much different then regular humans. Except for the fact that they don’t have souls. They can walk, talk, feel, just like any other humans, but they are soulless beings. They were given the name “Living dolls” for the glazed, hazy look in their eyes and the shiny porcelain look to their skin. There was also the fact that they seem to listen to what they were told rather well. Little obedient pets to who ever wished to own them. They weren’t uncommon to find, but that didn’t make them any less valuable. When a doll was born, they were raised and usually taken away from their families by a certain age, usually 18.

Loyalty was one of the famous traits of the Living Dolls. They always knew where they belonged, which made them harder to steal, if they were taken from their current owner by force they would ‘shut down’ so to speak. They’d remain motionless and useless to whom ever had taken them, until they were reunited with they’re owners. No one ever wanted a useless Doll, so this proved useful in keeping thieves from kidnapping them.

They were also known to be rather protective of their owners. Because of their loyalty, it was not uncommon for a Living Doll to risk their life in order to protect their owner from harm. Being soulless beings, Dolls were more fragile then opposed to humans with souls, making it easier for them to die. Because of this most thought that simply ordering a Doll to not put themselves in harms way would fix the issue, only to discover it was one of the few commands the dolls would never obey.

He couldn't move very well, his movements felt jerky, almost forced. His memories were fuzzy. Where was he? He tilted his head and turned it, he wanted to wince at how hard it was to move as he looked around the darkened room. There was some light, not much though. He was in some sort of bedroom it seemed. He could see the faint out line of a bed off to his right. There were two windows both had the curtains shut, but from what he could tell it was late at night. He was sat in front of one of them.

'What happened? Where am I? Why can't I recall anything..?' he thought. Hearing the sound of a door opening, he jerked his head towards the sound. A tall man with dark skin stepped in. He wore a red dress shirt, vest, tie and slacks. He had a monocle over his left eye and wore a top hat on his head. He gave a small grin as he saw Flug and walked over, kneeling in front of him. 'Wh-who is this??'

"Ahh, You finally awake, my dear~" the man... no demon purred. Flug wanted to lean away but instead found himself leaning forward. The creature's grin widened and he reached up, claws brushing the ginger haired human's chin. With jerky movements Flug latched onto the other's hand and arm. The demon chuckled, curling his claws around the hand grasping his.

Flug twitched before croaking out, "...Jefe...cito...?" his voice was weak and strained. The demon's eyes shined with glee none the less hearing the word. ‘That's not what I wanted to say... m-maybe i do know him? He seems to know me... god what happened to me? Why can't I remember anything??'

"Hello, my perfect little doll~" he said.

'D-doll?'

"...h...urts..." Flug choked out in response. He could feel the growing ache in his joins. His throat already felt strained. The demon hushed him. 'I can't control my speech... What hell...'

"I know, mon cher~ Don't worry, it'll pass... Let's get you back on the bed though. I doubt the floor is very comfortable." Not giving Flug the chance to reply the demon scooped him up and headed for the bed, and laid him down. A blanket was pulled over him and he looked up at the demon with glazed eyes. "Get some more rest, my sweet doll~ I'll return in the morning with something for you to eat." With the dark skinned creature left shutting the door behind him. Flug felt him self slowly falling asleep. He wanted to shake his head but he couldn't move. Eventually he gave in and drifted into darkness.

When Flug woke the next morning he wasn’t aching anymore. Moving was still difficult, but he found that his movements weren’t as jerky as last night. It felt more like his body was made of led. He sat up the best he could and looked around. The curtains were open slightly, letting in sunlight, allowing him to get a better look at the room. He blinked, and tilted his head. It was a rather nice room, the bed he was on was a canopy bed, there was a bathroom attached to the room as well as a walk in closet. He turned his head and blinked. On the night stand by his bed was a neatly folded bed, and a pair of goggles. He leaned over and picked them up staring at them. The doll shifted before pulling the bag over his face and placing the goggles over it. He felt the tension he hadn’t realized he had leave him. He breathed in the oddly familiar smell of the paper bag and closed his eyes. He opened them after a few minutes and looked around the room again.

‘It’s so fancy… is… this my room?’ Flug shifted, some part of him said that it was. That even though he didn’t remember, that he was in a safe place. He frowned. He didn’t like not being able to remember anything. He looked up as the door opened, the same demon from last night entered with a plate. Flug noticed two figures behind him, one was a girl, with bright red and green hair, the other a large blue bear with a flower on its head. Flug looked at them briefly before looking up at the demon.

“Morning, My dear Flug. Did you sleep well?” The demon asked. Flug blinked at the use of his name.

‘He… knows my name…. That’s good… right?’ Flug thought. He gave a slow nod.

“..Y-yes… Sir…” he answered.

“That’s good.” the demon said he took a seat on the bed and set the plate on Flug’s lap. Flug looked down at the food and shifted slightly. “Here, eat. You must be hungry. You’ve been out for a while.”

“Thank… you...” he murmured, before he started to eat, after he lifted the bag up slightly. The demon nodded, watching him carefully. The other two stayed in the door way staring at Flug with worry.

‘Out for a while? How long is a while, and what does that mean? Was I unconscious?’

“Do you know who I am?” the dark-skinned creature asked, after a few minutes. Flug looked up at him and tilted his head.

‘No. I don’t. I don’t know who you are… But at the same time...’

“...Yes?” it came out confused. Flug frowned and reached up under his bag, rubbing his face. The demon narrowed his eyes, frowning at the answered. Flug lowered his head looking down at the now empty plate. He pulled his hand away and tugged the bag down a bit more.

“I guess the damage was worse than I thought...” the demon sighed.

“Flug’s gonna be ok though, right Black Hat?” the girl asked stepping into the room. Flug looked up at her. The bear gave a whine looking at Flug then to the demon. Black Hat was still watching Flug carefully. He reached out and cupped the side of Flug’s bag where his cheek was, like last night Flug reached up and grabbed onto the demon’s arm. Though he leaned his head into the hand. The demon smiled at that, running his thumb over the bag lightly.

“He’ll be fine.” he answered the girl. Flug’s eyes started to drift shut as he relaxed. He heard Black Hat chuckle and opened his eyes again looking at him. Black Hat pulled his hand away and placed it on top of Flug’s bag covered head, petting him.

The girl grinned and rushed over. Flug squeaked at the sudden movement flinching back. Black Hat stood and caught the girl.

“Dementia! What did I tell you about sudden movements?” he hissed. Dementia went limp in his hold.

“Oh… Oopsie. Sorry, Fluggy!” she said looking at Flug.

“...I-its.. fine...” he murmured, slowly relaxing. He shifted and looked up at Black Hat, he opened his mouth to speak but closed it as nothing came out. He put a hand on his throat and lowered his head.

“You may speak freely, Doctor.”

Flug raised his head hesitating before speaking.

“...Where… am I? What… happened? Why can’t I remember?” the questions just poured out. “Who are you? How do you know me?”

The demon released Dementia and settled back on the bed.

“Easy, little doll. Calm down. You’re home safe. You had an accident, seems I wasn’t able to heal all the damage. You have amnesia it seems. I am your owner, Black Hat. That is Dementia, and the other one is 505.” the demon answered.

“D-doll? Owner? W-what do you mean by that?” Flug asked. Black Hat paused and frowned at the question.

“A Living Doll. That’s what you are. You came into my possession shortly after a plane crash that left you the only survivor.” he answered. “...You remember what living dolls are, correct?”

“Of course he should know! We dolls remember that know matter what!” Dementia piped up.

“...N-no… I-i… I d-don’t remember anything… e-everything is fuzzy...” Flug spoke up. Dementia frowned at that.

“W-what… b-but… we aren’t supposed to forget… I-it’s what keeps us safe!” “Hush, Dementia!” Black Hat snapped suddenly, glaring at the lizard hybrid doll. She whined as her mouth shut. Black Hat looked at Flug. “...I suppose I should explain what and who you are… Perhaps it help jog your memory some.”

Flug, “...wh-why is it bad I forgot…? I-if… if I'm here…. I… I'm safe… right?” he asked.

“Of course you are.” Black Hat answered, he sent a glare in Dementia’s direction and she looked down. He turned his attention to Flug, and sighed before starting the long explanation. Flug watched him the whole time listening silently.

“Your name is Flug Slys, you’re what mortals call a “Living Doll”. Living dolls are soulless humans… They’re considered rather valuable and kept as pets or just possessions of others.” Black Hat started.

“So… I’m your “pet”?” Flug asked.

“My scientist.” Black Hat corrected. “Shortly after you came into my possession, you proved to be quite the inventor.” he said.

“I.. make things for you?” the doll tilted his head. He blinked, and sat up straighter. “I make weapons. Right?” he asked. Black Hat grinned and nodded.

“Yes, you do.” he answered. Flug gave a nod. He remember that, or at least some of it. He knew he really enjoyed creating things.

“… Was my accident related to that?” he asked.

“No… You… You were badly injured in a fight.” he said. “You got in between myself and a hero.” the eldritch answered. Flug blinked, and looked down. He frowned, and shook his head.

“..I.. don’t remember.” he said.

“I don’t expect you to remember everything immediately.” Black Hat stated. He stood up, picking up the empty plate as he did. “...I think that’s enough for today though, you’re still recovering. You should rest.” he said straightening his clothes. Flug looked up at him and gave a nod. He watched as the demon left shooing the other’s off as he shut the door behind him. The doll sighed and pulled his legs up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them resting his forehead on his knees.

‘How am I to rest when I can’t remember anything?’ He raised his head and reached up gripping the bag. The doll removed it along with the goggles and set them on the night stand before curling up under his blankets.

‘Hopefully, it doesn’t last to long…’

Flug closed his eyes and forced himself to relax. After a few minutes he drifted off into a fitful sleep.

– end –

Hoped you guys liked this. I’m planning on making this 3 or 4 chapters long, maybe longer who knows :P

[electronicdelusionstarlight]

Praise Sanguine, a Skyrim Fanfiction

A N: I’m Going to face my real life problems the only way I know of, so enjoy this... Thing.

Synopsis: Ever wondered why Ysolda was so chill with the Dragonborn trying to Marry an Hagraven in a Night to Remember despite being, you know, THEIR WIFE? Answer: Open Marriages solve everything.

“My Love, you never told me what happened after you fucked that Hagraven?”

The question, who had been uttered by their lovely drug dealing wife in the most innocent of tones, caused The Dragonborn to pause mid-bite, a forkful of their wife’s delicious if a bit redundant home-cooked meal almost but not quite reaching their salivating mouth of not really discernible race or gender. They remained calm as they somewhat forlornly put their food back on the plate before looking back at their lovely wife at the other end of their small table in their house in Whiterun.

“Ysolda, dear, what are you talking about?”

Knowing full well what the woman was talking about, the Dragonborn gave a nervous laugh. They had stared down Bears, Dragons, Vampires, Emperors, Bears, Master Thieves, Murderers, Giants, Bandit Leaders, Bears, Dwemer Gods, Megalomaniac Kingslayers, Nazeem, Daedras, Dremoras, Bears, Draugrs, Mudcrabs with Monocles and Top Hats and even Hermanus Mora itself that one time, and they only had come out stronger and somewhat unscathed every time, and yet a spike of dread run down the Dragonborn’s spine spine when their wife brought up the VERY THING they were hoping she had forgotten by now.

“About that one time you went out for drinks with your friends and that weird dog and didn’t come back home till many hours later, asking me for my most expensive ring -which you didn’t even pay me, may I add- in order to woo another woman into fucking you, a woman I discovered only a couple hours later happened to be an Hagraven, dear” She answered, her faint smile turning into a small smirk, “I can’t believe you forgot about that, you even gave me back the ring and all just so I could tell you wherever in Oblivion your charming new friend went afterwards.”

Years of adventuring had ingrained in our hero the need NOT to panic in front of the most desperate of situations, since panicking only gave an edge to their opponent while kind of ruining their image as the Valiant Savior of Skyrim in the public eye, and if worse come to worse they could still try to Wabbajack the whole mess to death.

So, the Dragonborn didn’t Panic.

After all, that was Lydia’s Job.

The Housecarl who as for the rules of comedic timing was taking a sip from her drink during during Ysolda’s declaration, spat it out in alarm, fortunately out of anyone’s way, before trying to stammer one, horrified sentence out.

The couple ignored her.

“And what if I told you I never even managed to... Consume with the Hagraven?” The Dragonborn lied, betting everything on their Level 420 Speech Skill as he tried to sweet talk his wife into dropping the potentially marriage-ending issue.

Ysolda’s smirk was starting to remind them of a Sabre-cat, “Now now, dear, as far as Honeyed words go, that as pretty lousy...”she trailed off as she nonchalantly inspected her fingers before giving a small sniff “... I expected better from someone who had learned the art of trade by such an estimated teacher as myself.”

The Dragonborn began to sweat.

For one small, terrible moment, Ysolda kept ignoring her spouse as she kept staring at her fingernails, and then...

“I want in.”

“What?” The Dragonborn asked, confused on what was their wife sudden change of topic.

“I said I want in.” She said, her gaze turning once again to her spouse, “Your friend, the one who gifted you that fancy staff we now have on the mantle of our country home’s fireplace, he explained to me what was happening that night -which frankly, I let it slide till today because I was hoping you would have breached the subject first- but dear, I think 2 years is enough of a wait, I want in.”

“And... sorry, what did he tell you was going on that night?” The Dragonborn asked, only imagining what contrived and disturbing explanation did the Oblivion Damned Daedra of Debauchery give his wife to justify THEM FUCKING AN HAGRAVEN.

“He said you and him had been accepted into a weird fringe join cult of Dibella and Mara, and explained to me how that comported complete liberation from such concepts as Monogamy or sexual modesty as well as free love” She said as a small frown marred her brow, “Then he started arguing with that weird accented dog but I think that was just my Sleeping Tree Sap kicking in at that point, so whatever” She shrugged nonchalantly at his incredulous gaze, “What? you all found me in the middle of my test sampling session of the new batch, why the hell do you think I didn’t try to talk you out of fucking an Hagraven, I was clearly too far out to care-”

The Dragonborn could only stare at her in disbelief, “So, wait, you want in in...”

“The weird sex cult thing, yes” She repeated to her spouse, “I mean, I can’t see why you should be the only one having to fuck strangers in your travels and praise Mara and Dibella while I’m stuck here running my very proficuous Skooma and Sleeping Tree Sap Ring -Even giving you a pretty large cut of the earnings- And can’t even get to enjoy myself with some random stranger just because of that last shred of conscience and antiquated Nord Morals that force me to ask you permission first.” She said with an huff, crossing her arms in the process.

“So, I want in, you owe me, dear.” she said defiantly, staring her spouse down and daring him to deny her.

“You-” The Dragonborn started, Dragons and Giants and Bears having nothing on the nagging fear that maybe their wife didn’t love them that much as a rare sign of vulnerability appeared n their nondescript face “-Do You really want to fuck other people that much?” 

Ysolda’s feature softened a little, “Look, dear, it’s just...” she started saying before sighing, “I love you, you know that? I think I’ve started loving you since that one time you came in this town for the first time and you knocked Nazeem out that one time he was being a dick to Carlotta.” She said, a fond smile appearing in her face at the memory, “It's just that... You’re always out there having adventures saving Skyrim or the Empire or some new Island or forgotten cities with hot werewolves or asexual vampires-” She took a small, steadying breath, “- And I’m not part of any of that. And I know I can’t fight and all I’m good at is swindling people or selling drugs, but I want to live some adventures with you, even just some amorous adventures if that’s all we can have.” She concluded, staring intently at her spouse.

The Dragonborn stared back at her.

“So, you want to fuck other people... with me?”

“Well, duh, your friend did say the cult you two joined, while teaching about free sex and other such things, was still pretty adamant on important stuff like said sex being safe and consensual, or the importance of the bonds that tie us together” she said with a glimmer in her eyes, “I think we should start something slow, like having another person join in with us- I think the Bretons call it Menage a Trois or something- Then we can discuss what else we should do.”

The Dragonborn kept staring at her, frozen in time.

“What?” She asked, confused, “Too forward? Don’t tell me you don’t want-”

“I love you” The Dragonborn said to their wife, “And as it is true the Moons are Lorkhan thorn in half and that they regulate the Kahjiits birth cycles, I’m going to do this thing with you, for better or for worse...”

Ysolda beamed at that, “Awww, thank you dear. Now we only need to find someone willing to-”

“MY THANE FUCKED AN HAGRAVEN?!”

The Dragonborn and their wife turned toward Lydia, who they had both forgotten about many sentences ago along with the narrator, her mouth hanging open.

“That’s all you took from our conversation?” The Dragonborn asked, incredulous, before noticing Ysolda almost predatory gaze.

“And- And under my watch...” She stammered, horrified, “My reputation as an Housecarl will be ruined, to know I let my Thane fuck some random hagraven and spiral their marriage in a vortex of depravity...” She gasped as an horrifying realization struck her “That asshole Nazeem will never let me live this down.” she cried out before hiding her face in her hands.

“Now now, Lydia, There’s no need to panic...” Ysolda said, getting more comfortable on her chair as she started undoing the ties of her corset, “People don’t need to know, and I’m sure we can think of an... arrangement suitable for all of us...”

Ysolda licked her lips in anticipation as Lydia’s face came out of hiding, her cheeks rosy.

“Say, Lydia...” Ysolda asked, “... just out of curiosity, I’ve always wondered how much of our burden can you actually carry.” She smirked deviously, “- Let’s say, a 5 lbs Mammoth Tusk, do you think you can handle that?”

And somewhere in Nirn, the Daedric Prince of Debauchery smiled happily, knowing he had once again made someone’s life all the more interesting.

[kittyburrito69]

It’s over 90!

Shaddup! Don’t gimme that look. We’re doing this. 

Btw as a heads up, as I typed this up I....forgot how much of a depressed fuck I am XD The less you know of me the better because I don’t want you to think of me any different than my usual inu posts so you might wanna refrain from reading if that’s the case 😛So I apologize in advance for quite a bit of my answers. I do try to lighten it up with some Inu pics though. If you’re able to stomach through the whole thing, you have my deepest respects. With that said...

tagged by @inuykago

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people.

LAST…

Drink: Water

Phone call: My brother a couple days ago

Text message: My mom about how I had to swerve out of the way to avoid running over a bunny this morning. But the bunny’s safe  😀

Song you listened to: Schism - Tool

Time you cried: I’m so broken my tear ducts barely work anymore 🙂but it was November 2015 when, due to multiple circumstances, I had to end a relationship. 

HAVE YOU…

Dated someone twice: It was an online relationship but yes

Kissed someone and regretted it: No because if not for that kiss, my loser ass would never have gotten his first kiss :’D 

Been cheated on: still online relationship but yes 

Lost someone special: Too many to count

Been depressed: You’re mocking me aren’t you? 😒For at least 5 yearsish but probably longer

Gotten drunk and thrown up: I don’t drink so no

Made new friends: I suppose you can call them that 

Fallen out of love: Kinda yeah

Laughed until you cried: Love that feeling. So yes

Found out someone was talking about you: Who hasn’t? 

Met someone who changed you: Yep. And then leave me like everyone else yay :’D 

Found out who your friends are: ehh...

Kissed someone from your Facebook list: Si

Kissed a stranger: I wish :’D 

Drank hard liquor: Don’t drink so no

Lost glasses/contact lenses: Temporarily but refound. But one of the handle thingies is broken so it’s like a fancy 2 eyed monocle. Feel so fancy

Turned someone down: Back in the IMVU days lulz. Accidentally making someone like you online is so much easier than in person. Maybe it’s because the avatar is actually attractive 😜

Sex on the first date: Stop mocking my virgin ass 😭

Broken someone’s heart: The last time I cried, yes

Had your heart broken: I’m pretty sure I lost a decent portion of the pieces because of the frequent amount of times it’s had to be put together so...yes. Wish I could put it together like the sacred jewel.

Been arrested: Nope. I’m a good boy 😇

SHUT UP YES I AM! JESUS LOVES ME

Cried when someone died: I think I have. It’s hard for me to cry being so empty but I think I did when my grandma passed. Or at least fought it. I know for sure when I had to put my dog down.

Fallen for a friend: For my pathetic ass, they’re the only ones I’m attracted to. *shrugs* I just always believed the best relationships are those who end up with their best friends. Stupid fantasy romance I guess.

Kissed on the first date: Yes. I was wearing a hat and it knocked into our foreheads so like everything in life, awkward as fuck XD 

SHUSH YOU!

GENERAL

List 3 favorite colors: Black, Red, and Blue

How many Facebook friends do you know in real life: A decent portion at least

Do you have any pets: 2 kitties, a pupper, a bearded dragon, and a dumbo rat. 

Do you want to change your name: Nah Ray Din has a cool stage name ring to it. Almost like the mortal kombat character 😎

What time did you wake up: Alarm went off at 3:30, then backup alarm at 3:40 so....about 3:47 I guess 😜 I don’t get a lot of sleep though so I end up looking like this fellow below 

What were you watching at midnight last night: I was asleep so whatever dream simulation I had

Name something you can’t wait for: The sweet release of death 😜 The next RWBY volume would be cool though. 

When was the last time you saw your mom: 4 days ago

What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: Start from scratch and not end up a depressed awkward fuck would be nice 😜Getting a good job and away from retail would be nice though. Might as well make some use of my degree.

What are you listening to right now: Alestom! 

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Sounds like the name of a corporate fuck I used to work with. So maybe 

Something that is getting on your nerves right now: Realizing how pathetic I sound as I’m typing this. @inuykago I’m so sorry :’D 

Most visited website: Facebook. So many memes. Remember the best kind of memes are

Mole/s: I’m dolphin smooth baby

Mark/s: birth marks here and there. Like not so frequent polka dots 

Childhood dream: I wanted to be a super hero as a wee one

Do you have a crush on someone: Not really. Notice people are attractive but not crushing on anyone. Trying to fight that habit. 

HALFWAY POINT! Still with us,mutt? 

Good boy I’ll take that as a yes. Moving on....

What do you like about yourself: um...ehehehehe...not much XD I do like the followers I attract though for putting up with my spam of posts. Seeing you liking and reblogging my posts makes it seem like someone gives a shit. You’re all amazing ❤

Piercings: None. Although it’s kinda funny because I have a birth mark on an ear lobe so if I were to get an ear piercing, it’s the perfect target. 

Blood type: I’ll have Inuyasha iron reaver soul steal my ass and using blades of blood to find out for me 

Nickname: I don’t really have much. I’ll let you all decide some for me 😜

Relationship status: Forever alone with a decent amount of cats in my future

Zodiac: Aquarius 

Pronouns: it, thing 😜 or him. that’s cool too I guess

Favorite TV show: Ahh too many. You’d think Inuyasha or other anime :P but if you mean a regular tv with normal people watching ummm I’ll say Doctor Who for now 

Tattoos: none 

Right or left hand: depending on the use. HEY YO but I’m a rightie 

Surgery: None yet

Hair dyed in different color: I used to add a tinge of red during my emo days 

Sport: baseball and basketball although I’m not much of a sports person

Vacation: Anywhere but here. 

Pair of trainers: no idea what that is so.....Nora from RWBY  :D 

Current and all-time best friend name: ......

Eye color: Brown

Favorite movie: Always depends on my mood. I’ll say usually all time is Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny

CALM YOUR TITS WE’RE ALMOST DONE

WHICH IS BETTER?

Hugs or kisses: Kisses depends on the person XD so in general, a nice good hug

Lips or eyes: eyes. You can add makeup and make your lips as flashy as you want but eyes are untouchable. But if you do use makeup, the sango makeup would be a nice touch 😜

Shorter or taller: Shorter would be ideal. HEADPATS FOR ALL

Nice arms or stomach: stomache. coochie coochie coo!

Sensitive or loud: Sensitive. Loud people tend to comment on me being so quiet. Introvert problems :’D 

Hook up or relationship: Relationship. But I’m so lonely I’ll even take a hookup nowadays 

Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant 

DO YOU BELIEVE IN…

Yourself: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH no

Miracles: it’s a miracle I’m still kicking with the way I eat 😜

Love at first sight: Lust but not love

Santa Claus: That little shit still owes me my pony

WE DID IT! Phew. How ya feeling? 

Works for me. If you read it this far, then kudos! Thank you for taking interest.  And there must be something obviously wrong with you for continuing your curiosity this far but that’s what I love about you :D Again, I apologize for a lot of the answers and hope I was still able to entertain you somewhat. Inuposting will continue so don’t worry. I’ll paste a template in the comments so you don’t have to copy and edit the shit out of this disaster I made. Normally at the end of this you’re supposed to tag 20 people but...fuck that shit xD I’ve tagged a bunch in my last one and don’t wanna be a bother to them...or direct their attention to this XD But if you’re reading this and wanna take the 92 Q  challenge, then I tag you :D Thanks again. Love you people. Peace ✌ EDIT:  God dammit tumblr doesn’t wanna cooperate so template is here 

tagged by

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people.

LAST… Drink:

Phone call:

Text message:

Song you listened to:

Time you cried:

HAVE YOU…

Dated someone twice:

Kissed someone and regretted it:

Been cheated on:

Lost someone special:

Been depressed:

Gotten drunk and thrown up:

Made new friends:

Fallen out of love:

Laughed until you cried:

Found out someone was talking about you:

Met someone who changed you:

Found out who your friends are:

Kissed someone from your Facebook list:

Kissed a stranger:

Drank hard liquor:

Lost glasses/contact lenses:

Turned someone down:

Sex on the first date:

Broken someone’s heart:

Had your heart broken:

Been arrested:

Cried when someone died:

Fallen for a friend:

Kissed on the first date:

GENERAL

List 3 favorite colors:

How many Facebook friends do you know in real life:

Do you have any pets:

Do you want to change your name:

What time did you wake up:

What were you watching at midnight last night:

Name something you can’t wait for:

When was the last time you saw your mom:

What is one thing you wish you could change in your life:

What are you listening to right now:

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom:

Something that is getting on your nerves right now:

Most visited website:

Mole/s:

Mark/s:

Childhood dream:

Do you have a crush on someone:

What do you like about yourself:

Piercings:

Blood type: Nickname:

Relationship status:

Zodiac:

Pronouns:

Favorite TV show:

Tattoos:

Right or left hand:

Surgery:

Hair dyed in different color: Sport:

Vacation:

Pair of trainers:

Current and all-time best friend name:

Eye color:

Favorite movie:

WHICH IS BETTER?

Hugs or kisses:

Lips or eyes:

Shorter or taller:

Nice arms or stomach:

Sensitive or loud:

Hook up or relationship:

Troublemaker or hesitant:

DO YOU BELIEVE IN…

Yourself:

Miracles:

Love at first sight:

Santa Claus:

[because-cur-non]

 @tacticalgrandma​ mentioned combining the two joke extras I had in the comments and then I realized I actually wanted to do that and then I did that today.  This doesn’t take place strictly in the Revolutionary Fuckboys universe (although there are a couple shout outs to it for fun).  Modern AU lawyer Hamilton and med student Laurens feel-good domestic shit, feat. Hamilton being a Good Boyfriend and Laurens experiencing the worst kind of work plague.

“Hey.”  Hamilton walked out of the bedroom, laptop and book under his arm.  “How’re you feeling?”

Laurens just groaned without turning over on the couch to face him.

“That well, huh?”  Hamilton crossed behind the couch and opened the fridge door.  He stood there for a while, staring into it and trying to figure out what he could eat that didn’t involve cooking and that Laurens hadn’t touched.  “Did you at least sleep through the rest of the night?  I didn’t hear you get up again after four or so.”

“No.”

“That sucks.”  He said it sympathetically at least and closed the door, rummaging in one of the cabinets for some kind of sports bar instead as he tried to hide how anxious he actually was.  “You call in?”

“No.”

“You know you need to, right?”

“Yes.”

“You want me to do it for you?”

“Yes.”

“So what do you think it was?”  Hamilton opened the bar and talked with his mouth full, still standing in the kitchen.  “Food poisoning or your job?”

“Not ‘my’ job yet.”

“Yeah, well, just ‘cause you’re not a fancy graduate MD yet.  You will be, unless you decide just rotations are bad enough.”

Laurens didn’t respond and Hamilton took another bite.  A little nervously: “J.?”

“I’m not dropping out.”  Stubborn.

Hamilton laughed, glad to get an answer.  “Good.  One of us needs to be the eventual breadwinner in this household.”

That got the barest ghost of a laugh in response and Hamilton felt his whole being lighten with relief.

“I’m gonna call,” he said, walking back into the living room and putting his things down on the arm of the couch, half as an excuse to get a more critical look at what he could see of Laurens under the blanket and facing away.  “Hold on.”  He put his hand on Laurens’ shoulder as he took his phone out and dialed and felt him lean a little into the touch.  “Good morning,” he said brightly into the phone once his call was picked up.  “This is Alexander Hamilton, calling in for John Laurens.  He was on yesterday and was scheduled to come back tonight for the 7-7 but he’s not going to make it.  Yeah,” he said, squeezing Laurens’ shoulder, “since last night.  He’s still pretty down for the count, I don’t think he’d even be able to make it to the hospital.”

Laurens made a little offended noise of protest and Hamilton moved the phone away from his mouth to shush him.

“Right.  Yeah.  Can do.”  Hamilton laughed and switched to a more casual and teasing tone, much to Laurens’ annoyance.  “I know!  Date a doctor, they said, you’ll aways be taken care of, they said.  They didn’t say anything about being woken up at midnight because you can hear him throwing—”

“Shut th’ fuck up,” Laurens muttered into the couch cushions.

“—Oops, I have to go, he’s calling for me.  Have a nice day!”  Hamilton hung up and put his phone back in his pocket.  “I got you out of your shift.  They’re going to call someone else.”

“Like you are ever asleep by midnight,” Laurens grumbled.  “You weren’t even in bed yet.  Stop lying to people.”

“Yeah, well.”  Hamilton kept his hand on his shoulder and ran his other over the side of his face, feeling his unshaven and unnaturally warm cheek and brushing his long hair back.  “So what’s the deal, almost-Dr. Laurens?  Do you need me to attend to your every beck and call?  Should I douse myself in alcohol and scrub this place down before I catch whatever you’ve got?”

“I cleaned the bathroom.”

“Seriously?  You didn’t have to do that.”

“Haven’t even gone in the bedroom since the night before last.  Barely used the kitchen.”  Laurens was still talking, even if he was inserting long pauses between the sentences and was keeping his eyes closed.  “Don’t share my food.”

“Isn’t that, like, roommate rule number one?”  Hamilton teased.

Laurens snorted.  “Fucking hell you’re just my roommate.”

“You’re out of water.”  Hamilton nodded his head towards the empty glass on the coffee table even though Laurens couldn’t see.  “Do you want more?”

“Ginger ale.”

“Oh yeah.”  Hamilton took the glass back into the kitchen.  “I forgot we even had that.  Hey, do you mind if I make coffee?”  He took the bottle of ginger ale out of the fridge and poured it.  “The smell’s not gonna turn your stomach or anything, will it?”

“Go ahead.”

“Thanks.”  He put the bottle away, returned the glass, then washed his hands in the sink before setting about making coffee.  “Single serving, I guess.”  He glanced back into the living room just in case Laurens was going to dispute him.  “You know you’re running a fever, right?”

“100.  Just about.  Thermometer’s on the floor.”

“Uh.”  Hamilton paused in setting up the cold press.  “Why?”

“Couldn’t reach the table.”

“Sweet Jesus.”  Hamilton went back to the coffee.  “You do remember that I told you to call if you needed anything.”

On the couch Laurens made an attempt at a shrug.

“So how long do you think this is going to last?  No offense to you and your ability to just tough it out, but I want to know what the timeline we’re looking at and when I can schedule in freaking out that you’re not sticking to it.”  He got out a clean mug from the cupboard and when he set it down he turned it so he could read their old university’s logo on the front.  He straightened it on the tile of the kitchen counter.  Worried his lower lip.  “J.”

Laurens made a long suffering noise and rolled over onto his back, resigning himself to carrying out the conversation for another few minutes.  “It’s probably just a twenty-four hour thing.  Don’t panic.”

“I’m not panicking.  I said ‘freaking out.’  It’s more casual than panicking.  Besides, we went over this.  You know this makes me nervous.”

“Yeah.”

“Your whole job makes me nervous, J.”

“Alex.”

Hamilton bit his lip and made himself stop talking.

“I’m okay, Alex.”

Hamilton made a noncommittal noise.

Laurens sighed heavily, more from the effort of talking and trying to find the energy to think of the angle he needed.  “Come back when you’ve got the coffee.  I’m not going to get you sick from just being in the same room as you.”

“Yeah?  You want company?  I can put on a movie or if you just want to sleep I’ve got my own work, I brought it out, I can be quiet.”

“Yeah.”  Laurens sat up with a groan of effort in order to take a drink.

“You want a straw?  Think we got some around somewhere still from that Fourth of July party.  I mean, it’ll be obnoxiously festive, but…”

“I’m all right.”  Laurens was slouched over as he drank, feeling the liquid refreshing and cold in his mouth but still uncomfortably heavy once he swallowed.  His stomach twisted queasily.

“Come on, when else are we going to use them?”  Hamilton was crouching on the ground now, sorting through kitchen drawers.  “I know we said we were gonna just wrap them up and give them to Lafayette for his birthday, but seeing as he’s the one who bought them in the first place, that’s kind of rude, don’t you think?”

Laurens leaned on the free arm of the sofa, resting his head heavily in his hand and letting his stomach settle.  He glanced across the room at the large and glittery ceramic cat, barely able to fit into one of the cubbies on their tv stand with its fairy wings and hat and monocle, obviously another joke gift that kept bouncing back and forth between Hamilton and Lafayette, and didn’t say anything.

“Ah-hah!”  Hamilton sat back on his heels triumphantly, holding up a large pack of decorative straws.  He took one out and got up, then took both it and his mug over into the living room.  He stuck the straw into Laurens’ glass with extra enthusiasm.  “There you go.”

“Thanks.”

“Ooh, is that a little sarcasm?”  Hamilton very carefully sat on the other end of the couch, putting his mug down on the end table and picking up and opening his laptop.  “I’m working on that same case for Philip still,” he said, “I don’t think I updated you on it.  Just got some notes back, gonna go over them this morning.”  He opened up a new tab on his internet browser.  “Shouldn’t be too painful, just need to read through them.  I—”  He quickly lowered his screen when he noticed Laurens squinting at it.

“You’re on WebMD.”

“I’m just checking something!”

Laurens gave him a surprisingly irritated look, all things considered, and Hamilton sighed and raised his screen again and closed the tab.

“Happy?”

“No.”  Laurens put his glass down and leaned back against the couch, closing his eyes again.

Hamilton put his laptop up on the arm of the couch.  “Hey.  J.”  He poked his arm.  “You wanna lie down again?  I can get up, we’ve got other seating.  I only sat here because I thought—”

Laurens slid wordlessly to the side, leaning against his shoulder.

Hamilton was startled, then smiled and used his free hand to reach over and brush his hair out of his face again.  “Your ponytail’s coming out.  Do you want me to fix it for you?”

Laurens just breathed in and then out deeply, letting himself slowly sink down until he was lying with his head in Hamilton’s lap.  Hamilton adjusted the blanket over him, tugging it up over his shoulder and smoothing it out.  He ran his hand over Laurens’ arm, then lightly into his hair, gently working out the tie and combing his fingers through the curls.  Laurens felt almost hypnotized by his cool fingers in his hair and brushing against the back of his neck.

“You’re really warm, J.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, damn.”  Hamilton kept moving his hand.  “It’s just weird.  Usually I’m the one out of commission.  Not always,” he said, a little distracted as he looked back.  “I can think of one time in particular—anyway.  Do you want something for it?”

“No.”

“Just gonna sleep it off and sweat it out?”

“Yeah.”

“Should I stop talking?”

“No.”  Laurens sounded a little distant, caught in a feverish daze, not fully engaged but not able to fall asleep.

“Okay.”  Hamilton took his hand away and shifted, replacing it with the one on the side Laurens was lying on.  He opened his email, still balancing his laptop on the arm of the sofa.  “Did I tell you I was emailing Eliza?”

“Mn.”

“I was,” Hamilton went on.  “It was mostly to fill me in on Angelica—she’s still basically without reception, that’s why we haven’t been hearing from her, but I guess she found an international calling card and a phone booth—but she’s been sharing some things with me that your coworker wrote for her.”  He cleared his throat and switched into a more formal voice to read aloud.  “’Tis told, my friend, in poets lore, / The muse has an exhaustless store / From which she draws with wond’rous skill / Of choicest fancies what she will.”

Laurens gave a vague noise of amusement to indicate that he was still listening.

“Right?”  Hamilton looked down at him, at the soft flush in his unusually pale cheeks and the shadow tracing its way along his jaw.  “So—and he knows she shares these with me, by the way, you don’t gotta feel like your loyalty is being tugged in two directions, although I do hope I’d win out—I’m critiquing it and she challenges me to do better.  I think I succeeded, J.  Listen to this.”  He switched tones again.  “’Twas the night before finals, and up in her room, / Elizabeth Schuyler’s watching the deadline loom; / Her project’s completed, her textbooks all read / it’s just writing the paper then going to bed; / The year’s almost over, it’s been so much stress / what better reason to sluttily undress—”

Laurens laughed and Hamilton stopped abruptly.

“Hey,” he said, half actually offended and half faking it for the reaction.  “What’s so funny?”

“‘Sluttily’?”

“She gave me a list of words I had to incorporate,” Hamilton protested, scrolling back up.  “That was one of them.”

“God.”  Laurens stilled although he was still smiling slightly.  “I thought I was having a fever dream at first.”

“Oh, come on, my poetry isn’t that bad.”

“I’ll argue that point with you later.  And win.”

“No way, I’m the lawyer, winning arguments is all I’ve got.”

“Good lawyer.  Bad poet.”

“Yeah, yeah.  I never apprenticed as a poet, you know.  I’m self-taught.”

“Mm.”

“Do you want me to keep going?”

“Do you have something that isn’t as bad?”  Laurens leaned just a little closer. “Don’t actually make me laugh.”

“Shit, J., that’s a fine line to walk.”  Hamilton scrolled through the email chain. “Hey, before I forget, if you miss today they’re not going to make you work Saturday, are they?  Because we’re still supposed to be having dinner with Herc and Beth and between the four of us it’s a pain in the ass to find a night we’ve all got free.”

“I think it’ll be okay.”

“Okay.”  Hamilton stroked the back of his neck, wishing he had brought a damp cloth with him.  “I love you.  You know that, right?”

“Alex.”

“J.”

“I know.”

“Sorry.”  Hamilton slid his hand under the loose collar of his shirt, trying to cool off his skin.  “I should stop asking you to talk.”  Laurens didn’t respond to that and he took it as an affirmative.  He continued sorting through his messages, looking for something else to fill the silence with.  It was several minutes before he spoke again.

“‘How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight—’”

Something in his tone was a little more serious and a little less intentionally mocking and Laurens felt a low dread begin to burn inside him, pounding with every heavy beat of his heart through his veins and tasting like bile at the back of his throat.  That wasn’t like anything he had heard Hamilton write before.  It wasn’t like anything Hamilton had ever written for him before.  And if not for him, then—

“—‘For the ends of being and ideal grace. I love thee to the level of every day’s Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light. I love thee freely, as men strive for right. I love thee purely, as they turn from praise. I love thee with the passion put to use In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith. I love thee with a love I seemed to lose With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath, Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death.’”

The room was quiet after Hamilton finished.

“…That’s not you.”  The words were mostly a statement of fact, but covering an unsteady and frightened core.  “That’s not how you write.”

“No,” Hamilton agreed, and Laurens almost felt he could breathe again. “Elizabeth Barrett Browning.  Born 1806, in Jamaica, her father was a plantation owner, she opposed him.  Studied Hebrew.  Mixed.”  He had still been moving his hand over Laurens’ bare skin and stopped as he paused and then continued.  “You’re right.  I’m not a great poet.  Maybe if I put more time into it.  I’m better at speaking, but then I practice that, so there you go.  I was looking up examples to riff off of and stumbled upon this one, and, J…”  Hamilton trailed off.

Laurens smiled and put his arm across Hamilton’s lap, the irrational fear gone and replaced with a deep languor.  “Thank you.  I love you, too.”

[zacknano17]

Day 5: words 7634 - 10,065

...because I spent 11 hours of Day 4 driving, and I was Very Tired.

In which, Taako makes a Fateful Decision.

The problem with multi-classing as a rogue is that everyone immediately assumes you are suddenly great at sneaking around.  Magnus has spent a good deal of time training with Carey, it's true, but her brand of stealth involves more sleight of hand, dodging attacks, and doing some sweet flips.  And while there are things like smoke bombs and thunder stones, those are conspicuous, so not great when going for the 'not being noticed' thing.

Sneaking around is an art that Magnus has not perfected.  Actually, he hasn't even started learning that bit. Besides, he is in a fairly well lit house-turned-business, in his regular, not all black and shadowy clothing, during the day.  These are all things counterproductive when it comes to the traditional sort of sneaking around.

This is a different kind of sneaking around, he supposes.  This is the kind where you wander around and get as many places as you could before someone asked you what you were doing and you made up some bullshit story about trying to find the toilet and then hoped you rolled well enough on your deception roll to fool them.

Rule 1, he knows, is to look like you're supposed to be there.  Fake it til you make it.  He's going for Fantasy James Bond here, not Fantasy Solid Snake.

They have to wait for a little while before Taako kicks up another fuss, to make it seem realistic. Then, as Merle attempts to 'keep the peace' by quoting scripture, Magnus uses the attention Salvatore has on the dwarf to slide through the room and into one of the other curtained off rooms.

He's a little nervous about it.  They are pretty sure that this woman is using one of the Relics, and he has seen, time and time again, what sort of things these Relics can do to people.  Nothing is tracking here as overly weird so far, but things change quickly.  Still, he would much rather it be him to get into trouble than either Taako or Merle.

His findings are innocuous.  He discovers a meeting room with another desk with two fancy chairs on one side and one on the other, clearly for Rebekah and her clients.  Another room appears to be another sitting room, much like the one he and Taako and Merle had been waiting within.  Yet another seems to be a neatly kept office, bookshelves filled with carefully labeled binders.  He finds a fancy but rather unused kitchen, along with an adjoining dining area.  He comes across a pleasant bathroom.

Nearly all of the rooms hold more pictures on the walls, neatly spaced and with no room for more.  It is clear that all the rooms he has visited are used for various parts of the business, or at least may be seen by patrons.  Everything is neat, with fancy decor and a very cozy feel.  There is absolutely nothing strange or out of place in the entire first floor, except maybe that he doesn't see anyone else, although he isn't sure how many people a wedding planner would really need to employ.

The only thing of interest he finds is a few locked doors.  Judging from the structure of the rooms around the first, Magnus guesses it is a stairwell, which would make sense since the building appears to be at least three stories tall from the outside.  The other goes out from the kitchen area, and his best guess for that is a basement.

He is doing fairly well, he thinks.  In spite of not finding anything of interest, he also hasn't gotten caught.  He is still cheerfully patting himself on the back at the thought when that changes.

It happens while he's just about to head back to the sitting room, after monkeying with the door he believes to lead to the upstairs and wishing he had thought to borrow Taako's Hole Thrower.  An elven man with light brown skin and dark hair walks around the corner and pauses, clearly as surprised to see Magnus as Magnus is to see him. The elf is very lovely in that sort of ethereal, elf-y way, and just for a split second, Magnus mistakes him for Taako.

“Um,” says Magnus, articulately.

“Are you lost?” the elf asks.  He sounds...disinterested in whatever Magnus is up to.

“Yeah, er, I was looking for the john,” Magnus says.

“You just passed it,” the elf says, jerking a thumb back over his shoulder.  “Second door on the right.”

“Thanks,” Magnus says, and slides past him.  Aw, yeah.  Saved by the fake bathroom excuse.

The elf pulls a key out of his pocket and slides it into the lock on the door.  As Magnus is searching for the toilet, he glances back and sees that his inclination was correct.  He can see stairs through the open door.  Then the elf disappears up the stairs and he hears the click of the door being locked again.

When he makes his way back to the front room, Taako and Merle aren't there anymore.  There is only one slightly ruffled Salvatore, sitting at his desk and pressing his pen to his paper so hard that he is nearly snapping the tip off.  Magnus isn't going to ask.  He isn't going to say anything, in fact.  He just slips into the sitting room again, while Salvatore is destroying that poor pen.

Within the sitting room, Merle is paging through a magazine, looking exceptionally bored.  Taako is nowhere to be found.

“Where's Taako?” Magnus asks.

Merle looks up, and the expression on his face is nothing short of mirthful.  “He's in there, talkin' to Rebekah Whatever-Her-Name-Is,” he explains cheerfully.  “And you'll never believe what happened.”

This entire section is not really very good and I'm going to come back to it later and fix it.

Taako has seen Merle attempt evangelism before.  He had been preaching the Good Word the first time Taako had ever met him, or attempting to. He has done it on other occasions too, but only to serve as a distraction for Taako and Magnus, generally.  He has never tried to read the Bible to either of his companions.  He has never tried to convert or inform either one of them.  If he hadn't had access to his divine powers, Taako would doubt the dwarf's conviction entirely.

The thing of it is, Merle is an extremely good evangelist, and Taako has just never gotten the chance to observe this.  Salvatore, in his infinite polite patience, has not only allowed Merle to break up the argument Taako had gotten into with him, but has not interrupted Merle's subsequent evangelizing.  And Merle is actually pretty good about it.  Some religions get into converting people to their Gods, but Merle is talking to inform.  Taako has learned more about Dan in the past ten minutes than he had learned in his entire life.

For instance, Dan's name is actually Pan.

He might have known that already.  He doesn't really care enough to remember.

“...and so that's why, in the presence and all encompassing love of Pan, you should both sit down and apologize to each other or this whole disagreement,” Merle finishes with a flourish.

“Not to be dramatic, but I'd rather die,” Taako replies.

“Do you even know how not to be dramatic?” Merle asks.

Taako huffs.  He is sitting on the edge of Salvatore's desk, his butt shoving back a few stacks of papers and generally disorganizing the entire area.  He isn't certain he is irritating Salvatore, but he's sure trying.  And not only because Magnus is still gone.

The front door opens before Salvatore can react, and in walks a halfling woman.  She has long, auburn hair and light brown eyes that compliment her reddish tan skin, and she is wearing a lovely green dress.

Salvatore stands up immediately upon seeing her.  “Welcome back, madam,” he says.

“Oh! I didn't realize we had guests,” she replies, glancing and Merle and Taako.  “Don't tell me I forgot I had an appointment, did I?”

“No, madam.  They're walk-ins.  The elf seems quite sure you'll want to talk to him.”

Taako stands up off the desk.  He examines the woman and notices, belatedly, the gold chain leading to the breast pocket of her dress. Clearly, this was Rebekah Joiner herself, and that chain may just contain the Oculus.  Beside him, he notices Merle perk up too.

“So you're the boss lady herself, huh?  The local matrimonial mastermind, as rumor would have it,” Taako says, pleased by this development.

“Aren't you a flatterer?” she chuckles.  “I suppose I am the boss lady, though.  Rebekah Joiner.  It's a pleasure to meet you.”  She holds out a hand toward him.

He shakes it.  “I'm Taako.  You may have seen me?  On TV?  That's me, the one and only.”

“You do look quite familiar, Taako,” she replies, nodding.

He feels a single drop of sweat roll down his spine.  Recognition in this town is probably not a great thing, but she doesn't look like she's about to call down the local militia on him.  She's probably just being polite.  Sizzle It Up With Taako is a thing long in the past, and even longer ago since he had performed here.

“And your companion?” she asks, turning toward Merle.

“Merle Highchurch,” Merle puts forth.  “And we ain't here to get hitched.  Trust me.”

“Fuck, no,” Taako agrees.

Salvatore, who is still standing behind his desk, interjects.  “From what I understand, Sir Taako is looking for some sort of partnership between his company and yours.”

Rebekah cocks her head to the side, looking slightly disappointed.  “Oh...is that so?  I'm afraid we're not exactly looking to expand at the moment,” she says.

No! He's so close!  He can almost see the monocle in her pocket!  “Well,” he continues, hoping his bluff game is on point today.  “That was...part of it.  I'll be real with you, my dude, I didn't think I'd get a meeting with you on such short notice if I didn't, well, flaunt my assets a little, if you know what I mean.  Stretch that celebrity influence a little.  Not that I wouldn't be so down for a partnership, mind you.”

Rebekah claps her hands together.  “I knew it!  I can smell a groom-to-be from miles away,” she says cheerily.  “You wouldn't have brought your pastor with you otherwise, would you have?”  She gestures at Merle's Bible with one hand.  “Wonderful.  Why don't you come with me into a meeting room? Salvatore, please push back any of my appointments until Taako and I are finished.”

Salvatore almost loses his composure, and that flash of outright fury that dances in his eyes for a split second is more than enough to make this entire encounter worth it.  “Of course, madam,” he says, and sits down.

Okay. Okay.  So Rebekah thinks he is getting married.  That's...doable, he supposes.  That definitely gives him an in with the lady in case this doesn't work on the first try, which it won't because he has shitty luck.  He twirls the umbra staff in his hand and gives Salvatore the slimiest smile he can manage.  “Salvatore, darling, won't you let Mags know I'm off with Reeb here when he gets back from the washroom?” he asks sweetly.

“Mags?” Rebekah asks.  “So that's the Mr. Taako-to-be?”

Taako almost loses his composure at the thought.  He has had absolutely no thought as to what Magnus' role in this deception would be.  And now, caught in the moment, he cannot think of literally anything else.  Besides, who is going to be the other groom if not Magnus?  It isn't like he can just conjure his dream man out of thin air.  He'd probably need the Oculus for that.

Fuck. Magnus is going to kill him.

On the other hand, it's going to be the sweetest possible revenge for that thing in the wagon earlier.

“You got it, babe,” he says, and he can't help but be a little bit amused by the way Merle's eyes sort of bug out from his head when he says it.  “Magnus Burnsides, also known as Mr. Taako.”

“Fantastic! And congratulations!” Rebekah chirps happily as she leads him beyond another curtain, into a much smaller room that appears to be an office of sorts.  It's mostly empty of furniture, but for the desk with two chairs facing it.  If Taako had to wager a guess based on context clues, he would say a consultation room.

She pulls out one chair for him and then sits in her seat on the other side of the desk.  “Thank you, Reebo,” he says airily as he sits down, crossing his legs and folding his hands on his knee.

“Of course!  Goodness!  It isn't every day I get to help plan a celebrity wedding,” she says.

He actually relaxes minutely at that.  He knows he is blowing his own popularity out of proportion, so it's quite likely she's just humoring him in an attempt to flatter him.  He smiles benevolently at her.  “Now, you understand -- we're keeping this under wraps for now.  Tightly sealed,” he explains.  “If word of this got out too early, well, it'd be a mess. You understand.”

“Naturally, yes,” she agrees.  “Don't worry.  You'll have perfect radio silence on my end.”

“Fantastic. I really don't want to get fantasy lawyers involved with the paperwork, you know?  So I'll take your word for that.”

“That's very kind of you.  Now.  You said Magnus is here, right?  When do I get to meet him?”

He really doesn't want her to meet Magnus before he's had a chance to go over their cover story together, but beggars can't be choosers.  “Uh, well, he's real shy,” Taako explains, a little awkwardly.  “He is here, but...he went to the washroom and I haven't seen him since, so he might be.  Hiding.”

“...hiding?”

“He's -- real shy.  About strangers.”

This is the worst lie Taako has ever told.

“No, that isn't true,” he adds quickly.  “It's just -- it's just. He's.  Well.  We're not going public with the wedding plans right away.  We don't even have a date set.  If someone saw him with me...especially here. So he, uh, went to the washroom.”

“...and he stayed there?” she asks, still seeming confused.

“Yes. No?  I don't honestly know where he is right now.”

“Ooookay. Well.  Whatever!  I'll meet him soon enough, I suppose.  Now.  Taako.  I know you're in the early stages of planning, but I'm guessing a fashion forward elf like you already has some ideas, yes?”

[zacknano17]

Day 18 : words 34,021 - 36,017

In which, I go back to the first story because I forgot to figure out what was going to happen in the other one.  But I’m remembering that I like this story, so that’s...something?  I guess?

The trip down to the basement goes well enough.  Magnus had been expecting a creepy crypt-like dungeon for a basement, with dank, cold stone walls lit by torches or candles, with ambient dripping sounds echoing throughout the place.  Instead, he finds a typical cement basement with exposed rafters and unfinished fantasy drywall separating the rooms.

Kind of a disappointing place for a final boss fight, he figures.  Maybe they'll get lucky, and Rebekah will just hand over the Oculus.

...he has to hope, right?

They've got to save someone from the thrall of one of these things one of these times.  They have to.  Magnus doesn't know how long he can do this if he keeps being faced with innocent people getting fucked up by these stupid artifacts.  He is so tired of not being able to save anybody.

The final room in the basement is a bigger one, set up to look sort of like a makeshift laboratory.  There is still stuff in boxes lining the far wall, but there are also a few tables set up, one with a number of books and papers resting on.  One of the tables appears to have heavy metal cuffs, which is interesting, in a very bad way, and very out of place.  Rebekah, as far as they know, has never hurt anyone.

There are three people in the room, and thankfully, none of them are attached to that table.  One of them is Rebekah.  One of them is the dark haired elf Magnus had seen when he had done his quick run through of the house.  And one of them is Taako, sitting calming on a stool while Rebekah walks around him, appearing completely unharmed and just fine.

Magnus lets out a quiet sigh of relief.  Whatever had happened here when Taako had come for his appointment, it seems to have been resolved somewhat peacefully.  Taako was a perfectly capable wizard in most situations, but put him up against the power of a Grand Relic, and, well, that wasn't really a fair comparison.

Rebekah looks up, surprised, when they come in, and Salvatore, who has been leading the way, stops abruptly, bowing his head to her a little.

“Madam. Please forgive me.  They knew Taako was here, and they know about the...artifact,” he says, gesturing to Magnus and Merle.

“Hey, Rebekah,” Magnus calls, waving to her.  “Taako, you good?”

“I'm good,” Taako says, sounding rather bored.  Well, that's not a terrible sign.

“This isn't -- this really isn't a very good time for a fun talk right now, boys,” Rebekah says.  Her voice is strained, a little higher in pitch than normal.  She's stressed out.

“Well, you know, I gather you did have an appointment with us,” Merle puts in, “and we're kind of booked with the whole 'planning a wedding' thing all night, like we're off to see the caterer next, and so it's pretty rude to juts blow us off now.”

“Merle, they know the whole wedding thing was a shtick,” Magnus says.

“What?”

“The wedding?  You know, between me and Taako?”

“What? You two idiots aren't actually getting married?”

“Merle, you knew that.  You were literally in the room when this plan came up.  You're the one who told me about it.”

“Shit! I already ordered my tux!”

“Fuck off, old man.”

“Listen, I don't have time for this.  Salvatore, I need them out. Please?”  Rebekah actually sounds desperate.

Salvatore looks torn, but then he nods and steps toward the two of them.

“Wait. Wait!” Magnus tries.  “We'll be quick.  Rebekah, that monocle is going to destroy you if you keep wearing it.  It's an artifact with power you won't be able to control.  It will control you, and all it wants to do is destroy.”  He takes a few steps toward her, and he begins to see that it's already begun to change her.  There are cracks in her face, spreading like a spiderweb out from her eye.

Salvatore inserts himself between Magnus and Rebekah, and Magnus stops.  But he isn't done yet.

“Listen to me, Rebekah.  If you take that thing off and give it to Merle here, we'll get it out of here, and we'll destroy it,” he says. “And that way, it won't hurt anyone else.  Not ever.”

Rebekah stops and looks up at them.  Her expression is somewhat flat.

“Taako already tried that line on me,” she says, and Magnus' shoulders fall a little.  She has already rejected the peaceful approach, it would seem.  “It won't work.  I need this eyepiece.  You wouldn't understand.”

“Try me,” Magnus says.

This gives her pause.  “What?”

“I said, try me.  Salvatore here said you were doing what you're doing out of grief.  I don't know what happened or who you lost, but I've lost -- I've lost a lot of good people that I loved with all of my heart, and I...I would do anything to change that.  But not at the expense of other people.  Not using the help of one of these Relics.”

She stops, focusing on his face.  And for just a moment, he can see regret on her face.

“I never meant to hurt anybody,” she says, her voice wavering just a little.

“We know that,” Merle says.  “It ain't you doing that much.  We know that too.  We've seen these things before.  They're a real piece of work.”

“But I'm too close to stop now.  I'm sorry, Merle.  Magnus.  I really, really am.”

And then, with a wave of necrotic energy, the door bursts open.  Clouds of pitch black smoke billow into the room before dissipating, and then, standing in the doorway stands a tall, skeletal man in a tattered black robe, clutching a wicked looking scythe.  Deep within the skull, two red pinpoints of light shine through his empty eye sockets.

Magnus recognizes him instantly.

“Hey, it's Kravitz!”

Things go downhill from there.  The nature of Taako's bored silence becomes clear, and while Merle goes to investigate, it occurs to Magnus that the person best suited to helping Taako is the Grim Reaper himself. He makes a choice to help.

And that is how he finds himself up against Salvatore.

“I've seen a monk fight before,” Magnus whispers to his shield.  Hurley had been fighting on their side, but he had seen her attacks and understood her move set to a certain degree.  It was how he had identified Salvatore's attack style, after all.  He isn't sure the shield will take the information, but after a moment, another small engraving decorates the mirrored surface.

He really doesn't want to hurt Salvatore.  He takes a defensive, warding off blows with his shield and gritting his teeth at the jarring pain each heavy hit causes his arm.  Rail Splitter rests in his grasp, but his main goal is to keep Salvatore from going after Kravitz.  With any luck, he'll be able to at least somehow restrain Rebekah long enough for Merle or Taako or someone to grab the Oculus.

Of course, as it turns out, Rebekah is perfectly capable of taking care of herself.

Magnus blinks in surprise as suddenly about twenty Rebekah shaped halflings are in the room with them.  It catches Salvatore by surprise too, because the assault stops as they both turn to watch in slack-jawed wonder as Kravitz magically blasts a number of fake Rebekahs out of his way.

In a normal version of this illusion spell, once the copies were defeated, they would disappear, having never been real in the first place.  Of course, an illusion can't actually do much damage; they exist normally to serve as decoys.  But these slain halflings, much to Magnus' horror, aren't fading away into nothing.  They are just lying dead on the floor.  Some of them are smoking a little bit, some bleeding onto the ground.  It's nothing short of horrific.

“Holy fuck,” Magnus says, staring down at the closest one.

There's something wrong with it.  No, not wrong, exactly.  It just looks...odd somehow.  Off.  The cracks are there, thin black fissures surrounding its eye, but the features are too soft and it looks almost like --

Yes, that's it.  It looks like a porcelain doll whose face had begun to crack.

Except that it was real.  It has a large gash across its chest, and blood is splattered all over the front of its tunic.  It hadn't been Rebekah, but it had been a real, living thing, somehow.

“There's somethin' real wrong with Taako,” Merle shouts from across the room.

“Well, no shit, Merle!  Kravitz said he doesn't have a soul!” Magnus responds, exasperated, but glad to be distracted from the horrifying sight that is unfolding in front of him.

“Okay, yeah, but more wrong.  Get over here, if you're done fighting the orc guy!”

Magnus looks at Salvatore.  Salvatore is still staring at the fallen halflings.

“This has gotta stop, Salvatore,” Magnus says.

Salvatore doesn't respond, but he also doesn't stop Magnus when he heads over towards Merle and Taako.  He just continues to stand there, staring.

As soon as Magnus approaches Taako, he realizes exactly what Merle means.  Taako's face has that same softness as the fake halflings, except it's more pronounced.  It's a pretty good face, less fake and doll-like than the copies, but not a very convincing facsimile of Taako.  From a distance, it isn't obvious.  This close, though, it's like someone made a Taako out of a vague recollection of Taako.

“What is this?” Magnus asks, severely weirded out now.

“I'm not sure, but it sure as hell ain't Taako,” Merle responds.  “What is going on over there?”  His soulwood hand gestures to Kravitz as he slices through another fake Rebekah with his scythe.

“Um, I think she's using the Oculus to make copies of herself.  And...of Taako, I guess?” Magnus surmises, not really wanting to look at the fake Taako.  “She must have spent more time on this, but...”

“But she got it wrong,” Merle supplies.

“Yeah.” Magnus looks around again, worriedly.  “But if this isn't Taako...then where is he?”

“The spell said he was in here,” Merle says.  “I don't think it would have picked up this...guy.”

Magnus doesn't know a lot about magic, but it's magic.  If you could fool it so easily, then it wouldn't be magic...right?  “Sounds right to me.  Look, I'm gonna go help Kravitz.  You see if you can find Taako.  Do that spell again, if you have to.”

“Yeah, all right.”

Magnus rushes back across the room.  He has lost sight of Salvatore and the other dark haired elf that had been in the room when they had entered, but he's focused on Kravitz now.  And Kravitz seems to have pinpointed the real Rebekah, because he's ignoring the other ones and chasing directly at one.  Magnus understands why in but a moment: this one is running away from the fight, while the others are all trying to fight.

He has to throw off a few of the copies as he makes his way over.  For some reason, killing these things feels wrong.  Maybe it's because he knows they were created for the sole purpose of fighting.  They had just come into existence minutes ago.  And it certainly doesn't help that they look like Rebekah, who he is trying to save.

By the time Magnus catches up with Kravitz, though, the real Rebekah is gone, and Kravitz is staring down a brick wall in clear frustration.

[zacknano17]

Day 10 : words 18,001 - 20,024

In which, the boys come clean.

“That sounds right to me,” Magnus says, uncertainly.  He has no idea how these things work.

Merle nods and pulls out his X-treme Teen Bible, his hands glowing slightly as he holds it.  He closes his eyes and murmurs something.  Magnus wonders how long this is going to take.  He doesn't understand much about magic.

It's maybe thirty seconds when Merle opens his eyes again.  “Taako is that way,” he says, and one wooden finger is pointed directly toward Wedding Wonders.

Magnus curses under his breath and goes to pull Railsplitter off of his back.

“Whoa, whoa, cowboy, I know your M.O. is rush on in and beat everything to hell, but did you consider the possibility that he's actually in there, havin' a meeting with her?” Merle asks.

Magnus pauses, his hand hovering a few inches away from the handle.  “It'd be an awful long meeting, if that was the case,” he says slowly.

“All right, but if we go in guns ablazin', that'll be bad for Taako if he's not okay in there.”

Fuck. “So what do we do?”

“Maybe we go in and apologize for being late for the meeting?  With any luck, then they'll take us wherever Taako is, and...uh, we improvise from there.”

“I mean...I guess?  What if they don't let us in?”

“Well, then you can get out that axe, maybe.”

It's as good a plan as any, and Merle is probably right that Magnus' typical strategy of rushing in isn't going to be great in a business setting.  He leaves Railsplitter where it is and drops his hands to his sides.

“Okay, let's do this, then.”

Everything seems quite normal at Wedding Wonders.  Merle and Magnus open the door and step within to the lobby area.  Salvatore looks up from the desk and stands up, albeit, rather...stiffly?

“Ah, greetings welcome to Wedding Wonders.  My name is Salvatore.  How may I help you today?” he asks, either not recognizing them or pretending very well not to.

“Hi, Salvatore.  Magnus Burnsides,” Magnus says, striding into the room. As far as he can tell, the orc isn't armed, but that doesn't mean he isn't ready for a fight.  “I'm, um, my, uh, my fiance, Taako, had an appointment today, and we sorta...forgot...”

“Long day,” Merle puts in.  “We were plannin' the Bachelor Party.”

“...right. Anyway, are we too late?  He's still here, right?”

“Oh dear.”  Salvatore sits back down and flips open a thick appointment book.  “No, sirs, I'm afraid Sir Taako never arrived for his meeting today.  We were unable to get a hold of him on his Stone.”

Magnus gives a sideways glance to Merle.

“Are you...sure?” he asks.  “Maybe he showed up while you were on lunch or somethin', and Ms. Joiner let him in herself?”

“I'm quite certain, sir.  I did take a lunch, but it was well before the time of Sir Taako's meeting,” he explains, closing the book again.

“Could we, uh, just...come in...and see for ourselves if he's here...?”

“I'm afraid I cannot let you do that.  This is private property, sir.”

Magnus sighs a little.  At this point, there's no point in continuing the bluff.  Salvatore isn't going to let them in, and they have hard proof that Taako is here.  The fact that Salvatore is either lying or has legitimately not seen Taako just makes it more suspicious.

He decides to make a gamble.

“Listen. Salvatore, buddy.  We haven't been entirely forthcoming thus far. See, here's the deal,” he says, carefully.  “There's a certain...item that, well, it seems like a really great thing at first?  It's really, really powerful, and it helps people do some real dope shit.  But eventually, items like these, they start fucking up the people who use them.  We're employed with a...an organization whose job it is to protect people from these things.  We tracked the item to here.  Think you can help us out with this one?”

Salvatore considers for a long moment.  “I'm afraid I don't have any knowledge of any artifacts in our possession,” he says slowly.

“Please, Salvatore, if you know anything, let us know.  These things are like super dangerous.”

Merle nods.  “Yeah, we found one that literally leveled an entire city in about thirty seconds, and one of them nearly turned the entire world to crystal -- and not even like a cool blue crystal, or somethin', it was this nauseating shade of pink.”

“I thought it was kind of a nice color, actually,” Magnus says.

“Well, I did too, until it tried to eat my arm.  Oh, yeah!  And this artifact thingy made this yahoo cut off my arm!”  Merle wiggles his wooden fingers.

“Oh...oh my,” Salvatore says.

“Salvatore, you care about your boss, right?” Magnus asks.

Salvatore remains silent.

“Nobody can control these things.  We don't want to hurt Rebekah, my man.  We want to help her,” Magnus continues.

“And you don't hafta pretend Taako isn't here.  We're not like level 1 here or nothin'.”

There is another long silence, and Magnus begins to suspect that they are going to have to fight their way in, which he would honestly really like to avoid.  He doesn't particularly like Salvatore, but he doesn't seem like a bad guy either.

“I won't let you hurt her,” Salvatore finally says.  “I know of the object you speak of, and I know that she won't give it up easily.”

“We don't want to hurt her,” Merle insists.

“Yeah. But the longer that thing is possessing her, the less of her there will be.  Trust me on this.  We've seen two people get completely consumed by these things, and I'm really not interested in seeing that ever again,” Magnus adds.  “We might need to hurt her to get the Relic, but our goal here is to save her.”

“I won't be a part of hurting her,” Salvatore says again.  “She isn't -- she wasn't always like this.  She's a good person, and she doesn't deserve that.”

“I understand that.”

“You might, but I don't think you'll be able to keep a promise to not hurt her when you find out what she's done,” Salvatore admits.  He removes the pince-nez he had been wearing and lays it down on the desk.  “She isn't a bad person, but...grief does strange things.”

“Grief? What do you mean?” Magnus asks.

But Salvatore shakes his head.  “I'm afraid I've overstepped my bounds. It is not my story to tell,” he says.  “I will lead you to her and your friend, but you must leave your weapons here.”

“No way!” Merle insists.  “You're asking us to get ourselves killed? I don't think so.”

“She isn't a murderer,” Salvatore says, sharply.

“Yeah, we've heard that before.  The artifacts might seem benign at first, but all they want, in the end, is destruction,” Magnus explains.  “If you won't let us in with our weapons, then we'll need to duke this out here.  I can't promise we won't hurt Rebekah. I can't even promise she'll live through it.  But I can promise that we'll do our best to help her, and I can promise that if we win, no one will ever be hurt by that Relic again.”

Salvatore stands up.  He cracks his knuckles and looks down his nose at the two of them.  “I fight on her side in this,” he says, his voice gruff.  “But I will allow you to defend yourselves, if it comes to that.”  He turns to leave the room.  “Please follow me.”

Taako is aware of very little around him for a long while.  He doesn't fall asleep, exactly, but he is in sort of a fugue state, in between consciousness and unconsciousness.  He is aware, dimly, that his body is moving, and that he is not moving it.  He finds himself unable to do much about that.

By the time he is able to really snap out of it, he finds himself lying on a hard surface on his back, staring up at an unfinished ceiling. He can see wooden rafters and small windows set at the tops of the walls.  He must be in a basement somewhere, he thinks.  Upon further inspection, he finds that something cold and hard and very strong holds down either of his arms and legs.

Okay. Cool.  That's a new one.

He looks around, blinking against the cloudiness still lingering in his brain.  He can't quite remember the exact circumstances that brought him to this place.  He remembers being mad at Magnus...leaving the tavern...going to Wedding Wonders...then...?

“Oh, you're awake.”

It's Rebekah's voice, and he jerks his head to the side.  She's sitting on a wooden stool at a table nearby.  The Oculus is on her face, glinting slightly with that magical glow.  Around it, her skin seems...strange.  It's growing what appear to be tiny fissures as though her skin is made of porcelain and someone has cracked it.  He is certain that hadn't been there earlier.

“Um, no offense, but...what the fuck?” Taako asks.  He is beginning to remember being cornered, going for his staff...then what?

“I wanted to ask you a few questions, Taako,” Rebekah says.  “And then I have, um, a little job for you.”

“This isn't a great way to gain my cooperation, you know.”

“Oh, I don't need your cooperation.  I just need...well, uh, we'll get to that later.”  She looks a little uncomfortable, but then she shakes her head and looks back at him.  “I know you're here for this.” She taps the little monocle with her forefinger.

There isn't really any point in continuing the charade.  “Yeah,” he says.

“Why? Who sent you?”

“Um. It's a little hard to explain,” he says, carefully.  “I work for...an organization that destroys artifacts like your monocle. Dunno if you've realized it yet, but that thing is going to fuck you up real good if you keep using it.  I can already see it on your face.”

She cocks her head to the side, and he can see that the fissures are far more pronounced than he had thought earlier.  She must have been using some sort of illusion magic to hide them before.

“Can it really be destroyed?” she asks.

“Yeah, I've seen three of these things get trashed already.  That one's next.”

She doesn't seem convinced.

“It'd be like super great if you could unfasten these bindings and, um, let me see that monocle thing.  I swear, I can take care of all of this for you.”

At that, her face twists into a strange smile, and she laughs.  “Take care of it?  Are you kidding me?  This thing grants me incredible power!  I can...I can create anything that I can imagine! Wedding Wonders?  That's nothing.  That doesn't even scratch the surface of this artifact's power,” she tells him, and he feels his stomach sink a little bit.  These words remind him of Sloane, and of what had become of her.

“There's something else I'm trying to do here, Taako.  Something far more important than making pretty weddings happen for people.”  She hops off of her stool and walks a little closer to him.  “See, some bad things happened a little while ago for me, and...and with this monocle, I can fix those things.  I can make them like...like they never even happened!  That's where you come in.  I just need to do a little more research.”

Taako has no idea what to make of that.  “I'm not going to help you research anything,” he insists.  “I mean, I get it, I'm a pretty dope wizard and all, so it makes sense to ask me, but, sorry, thug, I ain't about to help you to shit, so long as you got that eyepiece.”