#I CLOCKED OUT OF MY MUM TELLING ME OFF EARLIER BC I WAS THINKING ABOUT THIS FIC

[hella1975]

you ever have a fic get you in such a chokehold you start pacing your room and talking to yourself

[undermattsun-archive]

japan national team x reader | w.c 1.3k

a/n: omg guys here’s the super cute epic collab fic i made w all my frieednsies <33 we all worked superrrr hard on this so pls don’t be mean!!!!!!!!! pls enjoy its xoxox and don’t forget to follow everyone here on this kidnapped by hq collab <33333333333

warnings: not proofread bc who does that xD (guys pls free me from this hell i’m in so much pain i didn’t even look at this i skimmed over it i left it as is, gg)

Read this while lsitening to the best song evar!!!!!!!!!!!1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_cXhBy78T4&ab_channel=JonasBrothers if you dont listen whil reading ill eat ur family MONCH MONCH MONCH

i go dwnstars, yelling ‘by mum!’ bfor laceing up my wite convrrse hightops (NOT blck becauz u cant sharpi on it) wth 1d lyrics scribbled on it. i rmb to draw a directioner infinite sign on mywrist. perfect, i think to mysdlf.

I never thot i would get to go to the olympics all the way on the other side of the planet in toky o japan! It was a dream come true for a simple, average, run of the mill girrl like me, who is 5’7 with naturally wavy hair, that’s not curly or strait and eyes as blue as the dark blue part of the ocean. 

I been dreaming of the olypoics since fetus. I just knew I had to be here, but I never thought it would actually happen. The only thing that would make it better is if I had a smezxy smexy boyfrwend! (A/n: Tee-hee! Maybe even two! (Or five! <333) haha! Aren’t I so quirky? <3)

I’m Wearing A Mint Green Crop Top That Ties In The Front And Some Denim Shorts With Black Converse. I Don’t Need Makeup Because My Skin Is Naturally Smooth And Clear And My Lips Are Already Red #wokeuplikethis And I Listened Only To MCR And P!ATD On The Plane Ride. I Bet You Dont Know Who They Are, THey’re My Favorite Banxds And Are Super GOod And Like Underground Bands. (A/n: Okay But If You Don’t LIke Welcome TO THe BLack Parade GTFO Of My FIc I Don’t Need YOu Here xoxo) 

ok so like,, im on my way to the olympics but then like, i get kidnapped !!! the car i was in was like super expensive and i cant see anything with the blindfold on. i hear voices of men all around me though, for like, a whole 30 minutes before they bring me somewhere and tie me up? "Take Her BLindfold off," one of them say, i hear. and im so nervous. but it's like a dream when they tug my blindfold off and im met with the prettiest emerald orbs ever looking back at me.

my stomach knotted in fear (more like an angry swarm of butterflies fluttering around ) i feel like screaming or squealing or both bc those eyes belong to someone so gorgeous . even more gorgeous than harry styles. hes like a god. i woukd so worship his foot. or something. (squee omg i can’t believe this is happening. i bet you wish that it was you huh?) 

bro who tf has emerald orbs green eyes im blanking rn

^ yo i was gonna ask i cannot for the life of me remember who

his #afff14 sppheres peered into my soul i really just felt seen. i took a deep breath before fainting he was just so pretty. *one hours later* i woke upa nd saw the pretty viridescent peepers staring into mine. like he was literally two inches away from my face omg i could feel his minty breath on my lips it smelled so good.

“My name is atsumu miya,” he said gruffly, the gruffness in his voice so gravely. “And me and me mates here think yer the most gorgeous girl weve ever seen. I blink up at him, orbs gleaming amd full of tears. 

“What do u mean, i’m just a normal quirky girl?” I say shakely, biting my lip. I bit my lip as the piss blond man spoke.

“You don’t know ur beautiful.” YOUR INSECURE DONT KNOW WHAT FOR YOUR TURNING HEADS WHEN YOU WAlk THROUGH THE DO OO OOOOOR

“U may be a normal quirky girl but ur OUR nroaml quirky girl now” his friend said with a deep voice. It was so deep that i almost thot it was like the ocean, he had curly balck hair and his eye were sooo mysterious (a/n i loooove sakusa i can’t believe him and his friends kindapped me omgggg XD)

“Stop it go away” osamu said (hee hee i can never remmber  tell which twin is which LOL i think its osamuuu) “no u have to share” sakusa responded angrily. I starred at them and didn’t know what theyd do next!

I looked over to he side ans see sakura pulling out hand sanitizer passing it around to his teamates. The green orbed boys huff as they put it on. i wished i could see his whole face hes so sedy, look over here pretty girl, i gasp pulled from my thoughts by their captain kita walking into the room with his hands on his hips and was theat aran? “You look even better in peroiusn” aran said to me, walking over to me “how do you know who i am?” i ask.

“listen bbygurl...” he yealls, pulling out a chair to sit acros from me. “you dont get to ask the questions, we are your new masters, and you shall do as we say.” i gulp nervously, my stomach feeling like a sharkndao is happening inside. “we hope u will be worth every penny we payed foru.” 

“M-m-m-masters?” my head felt like it was spinning in a teacup from disney land as i thought about what he just said to me. what did this mean? was i gooing to miss the olympics?? I wanted ot hate him with his super smug look on his face but i cant deny that he looks kind of hot and i’m into guys who look just like him,, the other guys r also relly attractive it makes my heart race. I look around trying to find answers when i make eye contact w a really really reall y tall guy who i thinks name is gao only to see another really really relly tall guy next to him,, hyakuzawa?

“what are yo going to do to me then?” ((*lenny face))

you ask, stomach bubbling. maybe i shoudnt have ateen that stale pizza earlier and washed it down with watermelon-lemon minute maid because now i felt like it was gonna come up. ((ew gross um tw vomit mention hehe)

“Dont worry were going to grab seme din din soon lil one,” one of them says. His name espapes me. Hes a ginger. They wont answer me for some reason and i suddenly miss my freedom when i would go to school (i go to an expesive private school for rich kids ahahah).

“WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH ME??” i yell again batting my fists against the ginger but he doesnt even blink. Ive decided hes hot but in a short king kinda way. His hair reminded me of of like cheeto coloured fine thread woven into waves.,,, like the ocean xD (ans...this has an ocean theme)

sudenly there was another voice it was yalling “BOKE HINATA BOKER” i looked with my stricking dark blue orbs and there wasd inother pair of stricking dark blueor bs like the ocean and blck hair. his voicde was veryy deelp an sexxcy (a/n lololol i luv u gakeyama kun *w*)

theres suddenly a loud voice in ur ear screaming directly into ur eardrum " BAKA KAGYEAMA BAKA"  (wtf our they communicating ????  ? )    i cringe at the yellign and another pair of strong arms bulls me away . i land against a hard, solid chest, i can feel the six pack thru his track Suit. 

and then my alarm clock playin what makes u beatyful goes off n i woke up. 

amen.

i rub my eyes wakng up, starrn into the mirror at my super borng brwn ugly eyes and brsh my equaly borng brwn hair. i lok up at m wall and see harey stylz and niallr starinf back at me on t walls. i sigh dreamily. they wud twll me my brwn uairs beatufil. 

[nyomjoon]

why Kou is the best character in Ao Haru Ride

Why Kou is the best character in Ao Haru Ride & the most deserving of a fangirl club

to preface, the main girl (futaba) and main guy (kou) had crushes on each other in middle school, which would’ve progressed when kou invited her out to see her at a place near a clock. however, kou did not show up because one of their classmates questioned futaba on whether she fancied kou, and she was extremely introverted and replied that she hated boys - which she did. but, she had felt differently for kou since he was more gentle and less brutish than the other guys who were really the epitome of pubescent boys. so i see the appeal to kou. upon hearing this, kou decided not to show up in fear that she would not reciprocate his feelings. alas, she was left waiting in the cold for most of the night, and would not hear from him till highschool because he moved away due to his parents’ divorce. he also changes his last name from tanaka to mabuchi (this is significant). 

edit: it has been brought to my attention that kou hadn’t shown up bc it was his parents divorce that day. i might’ve missed this detail but i assume when he tells futaba it’s not at the beginning so rlly mayb it’s another element to the ~character development~

I

When reminiscing, i only remember Kou to be the nonchalant, token tsundere, yeah he doesn’t care about you or your feelings. and upon surface level i found it to be so annoying, because he was the guy who left futaba out of his own fear. she was owed an explanation because despite it being middleschool, i too, would’ve been traumatised if the boy i liked had stood me up and not to mention leave school without a word to any of this classmates. i can side with futaba because i am also an introvert and it plucks a lot of courage to be able to ask someone out in the first place. however, that being said - being an asshole straight off the bat can only mean that there’s room or character development which to my little 12 year old self - failed to realise. 

II

when kou moved middle schools, he struggled to find his group of friends, which in hindsight would probably be difficult for anyone who was going through what he had - his parents splitting. however, he meets ms. narumi, who initially we are grateful that she was able to help kou break out of his shell and develop friendships at school albeit he wasn’t besties with anyone. despite this, i will never forgive what she does later. as i’ve mentioned earlier, when kou enters highschool he becomes an asshole. this is because he experiences his mother dying and as anyone would be, he became bitter. he was more closed off than before and upon this revelation, we begin to sympathise for kou. because losing a loved one is as depressing as it comes and we begin to understand that with his parents divorce there was no one else there for his mother except for him. his older brother, given the split, had stayed with his father and so to satisfy his mother kou spent all his middle school years studying, with a realisation too late that he had made no better memories with his late mother. 

consequent to his loss, we accept that his “asshole” personality is justified and he had become a man full of regret. during highschool, he moved back in with his father however, avoided spending time with his family at all costs. he’s revealed to be hanging around a group of friends to merely ‘waste time’ and really, he doesn’t enjoy anything in life. yet, ms. futaba, is persistent in nature and still has feelings for him so attempts to develop a friendship because of their previous relationship. much to his dismay, he still harbours remnants of his crush for her, however, he cannot and refuses to acknowledge it - he does this by not saying it aloud but he’s written her name in a notebook and despite the knowledge of its existence he does not tear or throw it away. 

III

as futaba and kou’s relationship develop even further - she convinces him to stop seeing the friends and instead he has better friends at school who are all in this event committee or something like that. however, as the story progresses, narumi comes back and asks kou to help her because shes moved to the same town and has also experienced the death of a parent - which also happened after her parents divorced. knowing what that feels like, he felt obligated to help her out. i’m not sure if he intended to be an anchor for her, but this situation turned out to be very manipulative - because narumi was purposefully trying to hold down kou and drag him away from his character development, because as you would assume, futaba & co. are the steps towards moving on from his bitterness, regret and anger, and narumi tries her best to pull him away from it which inherently just inhibited his growth. 

kou isn’t aware of this manipulation, because despite being an asshole prior he sympathises with narumi - which, really shows how kind hearted he is. he goes even further with his generosity by rejecting futaba, because even if they had dated, he still could not leave narumi because he felt as it was his duty to help her overcome her own adversities, which would’ve made futaba uncomfortable. it was/is in fact not his duty to help her overcome her trauma because as we all know it’s part of her own journey, and by helping her, he is still being tied to the past and he himself cannot overcome his trauma. 

IV

because he had rejected futaba, she decides to move on and although it does not happen immediately, she starts dating this other guy who in my opinion (which is completely objective btw) is so pushy and forward and he’s just a rat. because she starts to date this dude, kou realises that he still likes her, and depsite seeing them together he is unable to move on, or get rid of his feelings for her. now normally, this would be a bit problematic, however, because i hated kikuchi (futaba’s new bf) i don’t care. so, what i enjoyed about this particular bit of his transformation is that he was able to preserve the good things of his childhood which was fundamentally, memories of futaba and the times he spent with her. so when kou has his final talk with narumi - he lets himself out of that toxic environment, which is probably step five of his character development. and he goes back to the town he lived in when his mum died. he takes futaba with him to override the horrible memories that he had made - ones that reminded him of his parents divorce and his mum’s death. his logic behind this method was because when he was in the infirmary he was able to overcome his hate of the disinfectant smell because he was with futaba. 

he also reconciled with his mother’s passing by visiting her grave and letting her know that he is finally able to move on. 

another bit i wanted to mention, because it was so chivalrous of kou - basically, futaba got mugged and her bag had a strap that meant a lot to her. and so she tried chasing him, however, she got lost because she kicked the guy in the face and tried to run away. eventually, kou found her and she was really shocked and she actually had a fever so he had to carry her all the way to her hotel room. and then she mentioned that she lost her bag and really needed it. so, he left the hotel room and retrieved it and during his absence was when all the friends gathered in her room. when he comes back, he’s found the bag and throws it at her boyfriend which is funny because it shows how useless the boyfriend is lol. 

V

after this, he does not give up trying to chase after futaba, because she’s been such a pivotal element to his life - which we can all see. his hard work does not go in vain, they do end up together which is very pleasing. but the final bit to his reform is his last name change. as you can imagine, the initial change from tanaka to mabuchi was probably something that was traumatic but then when he changes it back to tanaka he’s able to move on from his bitterness from his mother’s death. not to mention, he was very adamant on futaba to stop calling him tanaka but its pretty significant that he was able to overcome his personal struggles. 

im too hungry so i can’t think anymore, if any of u read the manga add to the list!!1!!!111!!!!!

[chooserecovery]

Response to the submission starting with “ Hi! I kind of need help.”

Hi! I kind of need help. I get really angry lately (sometimes over very small things, or over nothing at all) and when I’m in that state I can’t contain all this anger, I’m shaking and I just can’t handle it! For example I often get annoyed with my mum even though she didn’t do anything that could usually annoy me (today it was not closing the bathroom window). It feels like puberty all over again. I know it is totally irrational but I can’t help it. And I always take this anger out on myself, I cut, hit or scratch myself to let it all out. And I know its not healthy and I read your post abt preventing self harm but when I’m in that state I just can’t control it. It’s like I’m burning on the inside and the only way to stop this fire in my chest is to harm myself! And it’s EXHAUSTING. Afterwards I am so drained that I usually hide in my bed and cry. Honestly, like a toddler. I probably have depression too, so idk if that only happens because I’m messed up? I feel like a monster and I’m scared that I’ll hurt myself or the people around me. I read about borderline and other kinds of disorders, but nothing really seems to fit to what I’m experiencing so idk what’s wrong with me. I know I should see a therapist but I can’t bring myself to call there. And my mum tells me i should do it myself bc she doesn’t know when I have time and I’m old enough to do it myself (I’m 17), even though I’ve explained her multiple times that I won’t be able to call there.I would appreciate your advise. Sorry for writing so much. (Also can you answer without mentioning my tumblr so that it’s anonymous?) Thank you

Friend, you don’t need to apologize for writing a lot; have you SEEN my answers? You’re fine. More words usually means I have more info to work with, anyway, which means I can try to make my answer more applicable to your situation. I promise you, cannot bother me by typing a lot.

Now, on to the actual content.

TBH if someone told me that you were my past self time-travelling to write this, I wouldn’t doubt them. You are very much not alone in this. So, for what it’s worth, this type of feeling can absolutely pass; I’m generally a calm guy these days, and I never did end up hurting anyone like I was terrified that I would. I can’t say that you’re in exactly the same place that I was, people obviously have feelings for different reasons and different things help them, but I’ve definitely been somewhere similar and didn’t end up the way I was scared that I would, so I feel pretty comfortable in saying that things don’t have to go the way that you’re worried that they will.

The fact that you’re depressed probably is playing into it. Mental illness pretty much by definition means that you’re going to be under a lot of stress emotionally, and in some people that stress will manifest as anger. It doesn’t have to be over anything that makes sense; brains can just see the most minor inconvenience as yet another thing that’s causing them stress, and so it makes it seem like a much bigger issue than it otherwise would be. Think straw that broke the camel’s back; the window is the straw, and the depression is the 200 pound bag that the straw was placed on top of. This may not be the case, I am in no way qualified to diagnose you, but I have seen things show up this way before, so I am just saying that it is possible for it to happen.

For trying to get a therapist, I’d check if there’s any way that you can email them. I don’t know exactly how the system works where you are, but its entirely possible that there are alternate forms of contact, and it may be easier to type something out than to call in. Failing that, I’ve had a friend impersonate me on the phone for calls that I didn’t feel like I could make, so if you have a friend who may be willing to do that for you, it couldn’t hurt to ask. And, failing that, as a Fully Certified Adult who has to do things like make Dr’s appointments and call customer service, I promise you that once you’re actually on the line, it’s not as scary as you expect it to be. Whoever you deal with is most likely going to be friendly and try to help you get what you need, and also odds are good that they hate being on the phone just as much as you do (you don’t know how many phone rep people I’ve heard say that they hate being on the phone when they’re off the clock) so they’re not likely to judge you for being uncomfortable.

As for the anger itself, is it sudden and out of nowhere, or is there usually some sort of stress leading up to it that you try to suppress and it just ends up boiling over? 

If there’s buildup, then you can try doing things to relieve stress beforehand. It’s pretty common to try to shove things down automatically, but it doesn’t let you actually deal with things. Take some time to vent to someone or write in a journal or do some sort of physical activity, or take a bath, or whatever it is that works for you; again, every has different things that they respond to, so try to find out what you need and do that. Personally, I strongly recommend physical activities for this; they can generate endorphins which can help emotionally and also you manage to work some of the energy out. I found running and boxing to be particularly helpful when I felt like I was going to explode on someone. Whatever works for you, the earlier you can try to address those feelings, the easier it usually is to get them out because they haven’t had as much time to dwell; practice doing what you can to take care of yourself on a regular basis.

Whether there’s buildup or it seems completely out of nowhere, once you get into that state, then your best option it probably going to be trying your best to redirect that energy. Again, physical activity seems like it would probably suit you well here. Aside from that, if you can find the patience for them, breathing exercises can help get your fight-or-flight response to calm down and give you a little bit of distance from your feelings. A common technique recommended for anger management is to try to count down from ten every time you notice yourself getting angry, but this really is hard to implement when it’s truly explosive and you don’t get much warning of when it’s going to happen.

One more thing that I’d recommend is trying mindfulness techniques. Not just when you feel like you’re getting angry, but in general. It helps you develop a habit of paying more attention to what you’re feeling which can help you catch tings earlier and possibly give you more time to address them before they overwhelm you.

The whole feeling exhausted and crying thing is absolutely a normal reaction following extreme anger. To do a quick little biology tidbit, when you get angry, your body is getting flooded with a lot of hormones that are trying to prep you to either fight for your life or run away, because as far as your body is concerned, there’s not much of a difference between “I got in an argument with a family member” and “this tiger just tried to eat me.” Either way, stress hormones get your metabolism running full force, and your body needs time to recover after that. So, go ahead and rest and cry if you need to, and maybe consider getting a snack or some juice or something to help you to help you replenish those fuel stores that you burnt up while you were angry; sometimes a little bit of sugar can help make the emotional crash a little bit less terrible.

But if you can only take one thing away from this answer, I want it to be this: you are not a monster. You are in pain, and you are lashing out, and you deserve help in dealing with what you’re going through. But you are not a monster, your feelings do not have to be permanent, you can learn techniques to manage your anger and you can have aggressive or violent thoughts without having to act on them--thoughts cannot hurt anyone, and you are not a bad person for having them. 

--Luke

[survivorarabia]

EPISODE 12 “Ruthie Is Literally My Mum” - Emmott

Ruthie

Alex, you've got more than everyone else combined.  YOU CAN STOP ANSWERING ALL THE QUESTIONS NOW.  I LOVE YOU BUT GEEZ. <3 

Alex

Final 6, baby!  And actually, because I won, Final 5 baby! The plan for this round is to take out Emmott, simple.  Nobody trusts him, yadda yadda, fifth verse same as like the last four rounds.  But what I'm doing this round is setting in place the groundwork for Final 5. First of all, Lena's Idol.  That's a problem.  It could lead to 2/5 of the Final 5 being immune, and I have no guarantee that I'm gonna win Immunity next round, so I could be one of three vulnerable people that round.  If that's the case, that's not good for me. I also have to consider at this point that my strongest opponent at FTC is Ruthie, right?  So I have abandoned ALL MORALS, FOLKS, because guess who's coming for Ruthie next round, it's me, I'm a monster, here to slaughter your faves. I trust Richie enough at this point that he's not gonna vote me, and that I can talk him into a Ruthie vote should Nicole and/or Lena be immune next round. What I have to do is plant the seeds in Lena's head that a) she should play her Idol this round because b) Ruthie is coming for her...which is not entirely untrue! The argument I'm gonna use is simple: Ruthie is paranoid (true, backed up by her behavior during blind week) and is concerned about being vulnerable at 5 (true, even if I'm projecting my own feelings onto her), so she might try to assemble a blindside on Lena now (false, but she doesn't need to know that). Then, at 5, I can get a 3 or 4 person vote on Ruthie, bam pow, Alex slides to the end, beats Lena and whoever else is there, is a monster but still wins.

Alex

WHEW, Nicole woke up and started to play! Apparently she was all up in Richie's ear last night about the Lena/Ruthie/Me threesome and how she and Richie needed to grab Emmott and force one of us out of the game. Girl you do MIND It is MY JOB to tear apart this alliance!   Not yours!  Stay in your lane! Apparently she's backed off it, which is too bad, because really she should try it.  See what happens, girl. Luckily I have utilized this info to aid in the flushing of Lena's Idol so hopefully there will be at least one bright spot in all this.  I think it might just work, honestly.

Richie

IM FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M LITERALLY IN PSYCHOSIS... my mind is literally one of those kermit memes where its like me: shut up, you have your Family 4 alliance you've been with since week 2, you love them and you should vote out emmott because he's messy and erratic and theres no loyalty there then the kermit in the hoodie aka neurotic me: BITCH YOU HAVENT MADE ANY Big Moves™THIS GAME YET, ALEX IS THROWING YOU UNDER THE BUS TO EMMOTT, YOU CAN'T WIN AGAINST ANY OF THESE PEOPLE HERE START FUCKING SHIT UP!!!!! ughhhhhhh i feel such a close bond with the family alliance where i dont want to turn on them bc i like them but also bc it will be SUCH a betrayal that if i'm the one to turn on them and i make it to the end i don't have their jury vote... and nicoles my girl i dont want to vote her out either she's been coming to me trying to make moves and i want to because its her but then im like i want to vote out the person in her position but i dont think its the smartest to vote HER.... i hatee last night nicole came to me and was like "lena/ruthie/alex are going to steamroll us in f5 lets vote out either lena and ruthie" and i was like hmm.... i thought nicole and ruthie were super close thats sketchy also this whole game i've been trying to play up my distance from the khiana people so i can maintain connection with the fawz people to get information so i can keep myself and the people im with in the loop and safe so its cool that i'm not seen as really a part of that 3some when this whole time its been us 4..... but still so i was going to rat nicole out and use that to turn the family against her but then i was like.......1) nicole gave me a receipt of ruthie saying something about a group chat which i deduced was a group chat between lena/ruthie/nicole, this is a total assumption and wild guess based on minimal information, but still if thats true and this is just nicole trying to get me to say something to get them to turn on me that would suck so i'm nervous to go to lena/ruthie with this and 2) i dont think going to the end with ruthie and alex is smart so maybe im keeping my options open with nicole for selfish reasons bc i dont want to close that door just yet then today emmott came to me with receipts of alex telling emmott that i was aware of the fact that ruthie/alex were lying to emmott/issy about voting me out last vote and that i was just playing emmott (TRUE) and alex straight up told emmott about our alliance in a CLEARLYYYYYY transparent attempt of getting on emmotts good side for a jury vote by being honest and putting the blame on other people... AND I DIDNT LIKE THAT @ALEX!!!!!! if i just shut up and vote out emmott i'm guaranteed 4th place and from there i have to rely on my social game to take me to the end and get me a win because i've been playing this game but in a way that isn't easy to see on the surface and in a way that ORG juries dont want to hear about.. people want BIG MOVES but thats not smart everytime someone in this game tried to make a big move they were voted out.....I HATEEEEE THIS.... if i do try to make a move tonight i either get caught and get voted out 6th place or succeed at that move but piss everyone off and make a target of myself/lose jury votes.... but if i dont make a move tonight people will think im just this floater that helped hand ruthie or alex the game..... https://images.sobadsogood.com/21-gifs-proving-russia-is-the-most-bizarre-place-on-earth/3.jpg

Emmott

okay so i thought i had no hope this tribal! i was excited becuase i had this awesome speech prepared to drag everyone to hELL! but instead Saint Ruthie came to me <3 I actually love ruthie so much, we had a call and shes so precious and amazing and sweet and nice and caring and oMG!!!! I LOVE HER!!! AND SHE HAS AN AMAZING ACCENT! But she told me she is voting Lena, and she's gonna get other people to as well because Lena has an idol!! oooooooo honestly, lena is no threat to me, and i would probably usually go tell Lena that people are coming for her and to play her idol. but instead, im just gonna leave it this time, because it backfires 50% of the time. im just gonna leave the vote as lena, and let ruthie work her magic! another thing when issy left, i went on bit of a dramatic rant AHAHAH in the tribe chat AHAHAHHA saying she was robbed. and N*cole and L*na made snarky comments at me!!!! ew im perturbed! i hope this works tho wow imagine alex is also spilling all info and tea to me and putting blame on other people, so that he can vote me off and have my jury vote :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) silly smart guy! if he didnt have immunity i think i could have got him out but yoloswag he has immunity and it's these people's fault who are going to get voted out by him and have to vote for him at f2/3 that are at fault. they never flipped with me earlier so I HOPE THAT THE DOOR HITS THEM ON THE WAY OUT (im lookin at u richie especially) okay bye

Ruthie

Today has been utter and complete CHAOS of the best kind.  I began the day with a message from Nicole asking if Emmott was okay, and I agreed, and Lena of course agreed too. And then in our The Family alliance chat the others seemed to want Emmott also.  So we were all agreed and it was all good, but then Alex privately brought up a good thought... Lena's idol.  We want it to be flushed so we could have a chance to play one next week but we didn't know how to go about flushing it.   Little did I know, Nicole decided to play the game and start throwing my name around.  (I STILL LOVE YOU NICOLE <3) and she told Richie- who in turn told Alex that Lena, Alex and myself were in an alliance together, which I'm not sure how she found that out, I'm guessing that Lena maybe told her.  Nicole had already warned us that we might be hearing things and I figured this kind of thing was what we might start hearing.   So, Alex told Lena (SO MUCH TELLING GOING ON, GOD.) some things to make her maybe want to use her idol tonight and we had this conversation: [11/29/16, 1:29:03 PM] Alex (Xalxe): and I have no time for it frankly, do you mind, we’ve been playing all game over here [11/29/16, 1:36:25 PM] Alex (Xalxe): Wait holy shit I just realize we can use this. I can give this to Lena instead of giving her your name and she might play the idol [11/29/16, 2:54:03 PM] Ruthie ❤: YES!!! That would be amazing!!! That's good thinking! [11/29/16, 2:54:34 PM] Ruthie ❤: How did Nicole know that you, me and Lena were together I wonder. [11/29/16, 2:55:18 PM] Alex (Xalxe): It is a mystery to me [11/29/16, 2:55:28 PM] Alex (Xalxe): who knows, she might just be grasping at straws [11/29/16, 2:56:40 PM] Alex (Xalxe): even a broken clock is right twice a day [11/29/16, 3:39:19 PM] Ruthie ❤: Omg, that's going to be my new favorite quote. <3 [11/29/16, 3:39:39 PM] Ruthie ❤: You're right though. [11/29/16, 3:39:58 PM] Ruthie ❤: In a way I'm excited she finally started playing but UGH [11/29/16, 4:05:10 PM] Ruthie ❤: LOL. Lena just messaged me to ask "hey, are we okay?" [11/29/16, 4:05:20 PM] Alex (Xalxe): Oh she got my mega-message then, good [11/29/16, 4:08:21 PM] Ruthie ❤: Yes good! Operation: Flush Idol is in action. [11/29/16, 4:08:49 PM] Alex (Xalxe): :) Then..... the chaos that led to my phone call with Emmott happened... [11/29/16, 4:09:30 PM] Ruthie ❤: She's writing me a mega message now. [11/29/16, 4:09:44 PM] Alex (Xalxe): okay if she sells me out she’s dead to me [11/29/16, 4:10:31 PM] Ruthie ❤: I can't wait to see what she says tbh [11/29/16, 4:10:50 PM] Ruthie ❤: I AM SO GLAD WE TRUST EACH OTHER. [11/29/16, 4:11:35 PM] Alex (Xalxe): This would be way harder if we didn't [11/29/16, 4:15:52 PM] Ruthie ❤: It would! [11/29/16, 4:16:09 PM] Ruthie ❤: And oh god, I have a lot of receipts for you. [11/29/16, 4:16:15 PM] Alex (Xalxe): oh boy oh boy [11/29/16, 4:17:01 PM] Ruthie ❤: I FEEL SO BAD SHOWING YOU BECAUSE I LOVE LENA SO MUCH, but you're my Alex so So of course I showed him all the receipts...  SORRY LENA.   :( [11/29/16, 4:08:18 PM] Lena McKenzie: I heard that you're worried about my loyalty :( [11/29/16, 4:08:29 PM] Lena McKenzie: But I have an idea... and I want to know what you think. [11/29/16, 4:10:39 PM] Lena McKenzie: I want to go to the final 3 with you and Nicole. I love Alex but none of us have ANY shot against him if he gets there, and that's not to say you or I or Nicole haven't played great games. He just has survived this entire game after being a target the entire time, came back, etc. I want one of the three of us to win. It would be great for Alex to win but I want one of us girls to win.. I know that sounds horrible but Alex really is calling all of the shots in our alliance and has been doing so the entire game. I really hope you don't say anything to him about this but I wanted to let you know that is what I'm thinking. I am loyal to the Old Farts and I am loyal to our alliance with Nicole, but Alex wins no matter who he is against at the end.. [11/29/16, 4:12:17 PM] Lena McKenzie: I honestly think you could win this if we go with Nicole. I want to win and I would happy with Nicole winning.. But I'm 98% sure you would win if we go to the end, and I would love to see you win. So after I told Alex we kind of came up with a brilliant idea. :)... [11/29/16, 4:29:16 PM] Ruthie ❤: Okay! Who should we tell Emmott to vote or is he voting me? -.- [11/29/16, 4:29:21 PM] Alex (Xalxe): I dunno man [11/29/16, 4:29:30 PM] Alex (Xalxe): I haven’t talked to him since this morning [11/29/16, 4:29:34 PM] Alex (Xalxe): tell him whatever [11/29/16, 4:31:41 PM] Ruthie ❤: I just messaged him and he replied quick but I don't even know what to tell him, lol. [11/29/16, 4:31:56 PM] Alex (Xalxe): shrug [11/29/16, 4:32:27 PM] Ruthie ❤: I'm just asking if he's voting me. [11/29/16, 4:42:53 PM] Alex (Xalxe): Can you get him to vote Lena?  Then she sees that people really are/were targeting her? [11/29/16, 4:44:36 PM] Ruthie ❤: Yeah, I could do that. I'm almost thinking I should vote with him, she wouldn't expect me to do it. Is that a crazy idea? [11/29/16, 4:44:46 PM] Alex (Xalxe): I was thinking the same thing don’t take my thing [11/29/16, 4:45:21 PM] Ruthie ❤: BRAIN TWINS. [11/29/16, 4:45:46 PM] Alex (Xalxe): Anyway yeah sure you go ahead and do that, we don’t want 3 votes on her accidentally [11/29/16, 4:45:51 PM] Alex (Xalxe): I’ll vote Emmott [11/29/16, 4:46:14 PM] Alex (Xalxe): Unless she starts talking about moving the vote away from Emmott in which case we can’t risk a split I AM SUCH A BAD PERSON, I do feel really guilty for this and I don't want Lena to go, and at this point I still wanted Emmott to go.  My next worry was how I could work a bit of magic on Emmott.  I love the boy dearly but he is SUCH a loose cannon, which has worked for him this far but I really didn't want anything I said to get out to him, and knowing him it probably would have... oops. I saw that he messaged me, and I finally answered... [11/29/16, 4:35:16 PM] emmott young: Well everyones saying my name so [11/29/16, 4:35:57 PM] emmott young: Im not even gonna try [11/29/16, 4:41:41 PM] Ruthie ❤: :( :( :( [11/29/16, 4:42:27 PM] emmott young: You just must feel very comfortable getting to the end with alex still in the game :/ [11/29/16, 4:42:40 PM] emmott young: Because I asked him, and he felt pretty comfortable having you around. [11/29/16, 4:50:35 PM] Ruthie ❤: If I vote with you for someone can you for once not say anything about it? BECAUSE I heard you told people we voted with you last time. :( [11/29/16, 4:52:13 PM] emmott young: Of course omg!! It's not like you exactly stuck to your word either, though. Last time, I only didnt vote Richie because once Richie went it was definitely going to be me and issy next. Alex told me you had no intention on voting richie! But ill do anything at this point, i swear! [11/29/16, 4:54:27 PM] Ruthie ❤: Okay, whew! Who do you want to vote if you could vote for anyone? (Besides Alex since he's immune.) [11/29/16, 4:55:11 PM] emmott young: Anyone!! Whoever you wanted! ...before pondering over what to do for almost an hour before I finally had the brilliant idea of calling him!  If we talked on the phone I could sound more sincere about it all and more importantly he couldn't show the receipts to anyone else.  And also, I figured that MAYBE it could get me a vote from him in the jury... I must admit.  I'm such a bad person, I can't even, I feel more and more like a villain each day, oh well.   [11/29/16, 5:19:05 PM] emmott young: Do you have any one in mind? [11/29/16, 5:28:11 PM] Ruthie ❤: Can I call you?  I don’t want to type it out because somehow what I tell you always seems to find it’s way around the house.  :O :O <3 [11/29/16, 5:28:41 PM] emmott young: Of course ahahah! I promise I wont snitch! [11/29/16, 5:29:10 PM] Ruthie ❤: Whew, okay!  Hang on! [11/29/16, 5:29:20 PM] emmott young: Hanging! So I called Emmott and OH MY GOSH Y'ALL.  HE is so adorable, I can't even with him, HIS ACCENT IS SO CUTE!  And he liked mine too!  And I'm literally always so awkward with people on the phone, SO awkward but talking to Emmott was easy and I admit it, I probably told him WAY TOO MUCH.  First I made him promise not to tell anyone that I told him to do this but to vote Lena and I gave him my word that I would vote her too.  And I made him promise not to freak out and go around telling people that I was voting for her and that he needed another vote or two, to just let me handle it, and he promised.  He is literally so sweet, he told me he was going to ignore everyone on messenger and I feel like such a bitch right now for doing ALL of this.  Lena trusted me with ALL of that and I ran to Alex.  Then I went to Emmott and told him I was going to try to keep him when obviously I'm just spending all this time writing my confessional, whoops. Oh... and on call I also might have let it slip that Lena had an idol.  Which is also another dumb move on my part because Emmott can't keep a secret to save his life.  Anyway, that's where I am today.  I'm personally sitting in a good spot and I can't wait for a bit of chaos to ensue when Lena learns that TWO people voted for her...  tonight's tribal is going to be so much fun! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH LENA AND EMMOTT, I'm so sorry when you guys read this.  <3 ALSO I'M SORRY FOR ALL THE DENYING I'M GOING TO DO WHEN YOU SEE THAT SOMEONE ELSE VOTED FOR YOU QUEEN LENA.