#I CANT EVEN JUST LIKE REPOST IT CAUSE OF ALL THESE STUPID TAGS

[quitethepirategal]

An Analysis in Threes

❥ TAGGED BY: @emcads​ like 30 years ago ❥ TAGGING: @riidcr​ @starsailingcaptain​ @covencrown​ @hookd​ @all-fleshed-out​ @evermxre​ @motherofredemption​ @bup1957​ @conquistadoradelmar​ @seaprofound​ @tcthinecwnself​ @withinycu​ @windguided​ @daevilhorns​ @concordia-cum-sinistro​ and YOU and I spent like 8 hours on this so pLEASE READ IT PLEASE I AM BEGGING I NEED VALIDATION I’M-

     repost don’t reblog. yall dont have to type this much.

MUSE: Captain Red Handed Jessica

Three Strengths:

     Her adaptability and resourcefulness.  Is she brave, yes.  Is she lucky, also yes.   But over all, she can roll with the cards she’s been dealt in a way that many would call inhumanly clever.  Her intelligence, her perception, and her charisma are all different ingredients of this indomitable characteristic of hers.  She can see the value in just about anything and anyone, can pick up on clues and tangents few others can follow, and can remember seemingly endless details, tho unfortunately not on command.  But even then, her patchy memory seems to contribute to this adaptability as well, as it usually allows for detachment.  If she can find resources everywhere, it means she can survive everywhere. There have been countless times where the wheel of fortune has suddenly turned on her and she’d lost near everything and her response was more or less Damn, ok I need food water and shelter lets go.  No food?  Grow food.  No water?  Ask someone if they have water.  No shelter?  Sleep outside.  No money?  Steal money.  Can’t hear anymore?  Cool I can use loud weapons.  Crashed on an island?  My island now.  Shot?  Free bullet.  She knows when to push, she knows when to quit, and sometimes she knows when to gamble based on her ability ( what a man can do and what he can’t do and all that ).  Strong she may be, she knows its foolish to rely on strength.  Survival of the fittest actually rarely means survival of the strongest. ( edit; this is the theme for the entirety of her character. I will say it 50,000 times. I am very sorry ).  And as a student of philosophy and biology, she understands that phrase better than most. Leading to our next point.

     Her understanding.  As I stated, her charisma is something unmatched, and is a key element in all three of her strengths.  This charisma might not exist as prominently were it not for her ability to understand.  She has limited ( I’ll get back to that ) but deep running empathy and while not terribly observant all the time, she is always perceptive.  Not only that, but she’s personally known abuse, hardship, and uncertainty, and understands that hate or anger can be rooted in similar pain.  She was schooled lightly in both Christian and Buddhist values before diving heavily into democratic philosophy, meaning she believes all being experience suffering and therefore kindness is a powerful sign of strength, but also that suffering while free and equal is better than comfort in oppression.  And between her sweet words and beautiful face, she can get most people to open up in ways they themselves my not have expected.  Being very good with people means she can learn from them, gain something from them, lead them, and/or use them.  But Jessica isn’t a manipulator in truth; her intentions are almost always kind or healthy ones.  She absolutely uses people from time to time but not EVER without them consenting to or being made aware of such because again, unlike a manipulative person, she understands that can ruin a relationship and therefore ruin a resource.  What it makes for is an excellent leader, a beloved captain, and a trusted ally at most and an excellent conversationalist at the least.      But her understanding isn’t just social, oh no.  It’s academic as well.  Armed only with his little library and the lessons of his own teachers, Jessica’s foster father tirelessly smithed her into a not just a girl who knew a lot of things, but a truly intelligent, thinking mind. He’d die before learning he’d succeeded tenfold.  Jessica isn’t one to just except things as they are, facts or otherwise.  She usually needs to prove it, experiment, see things from a new angle.  Debates with her are fun!  She has no issue admitting she’s wrong or confessing she’s never thought of it that way, and is actually wrong a lot of the time.  It doesn’t bruise her ego, it excites her.  It means there’s more to learn.  And her ability to constantly understand new concepts paired with her ability to overwhelmingly understand people combine to make for a very powerful core idea of hers:  We are fittest to survive because we all fit together.  Our humanity, our empathy, our community are our strengths because they keep us united, which keeps us the fittest.  No one is independent, no man is an island.  People are power. And thus her final strength is just that.

     Her power.  While she and I still firmly state that strength isn’t everything don’t be disillusioned; its very goddamn important.  And it’s something Jessica has plenty of.  She is durable and clever because of her rocky early childhood, she is quick and versatile from her youth in a pirate port, she is physically strong and mighty from her years training in martial arts, and she’s an absolute crackshot after years of diligent practice with her trusty pistols.  Her true strength may lie in her brains and in her allies yes, but even without them, Red Jessica is a powerhouse of a warrior.  She can end fights extremely quickly or run from them without a prayer of catching her ( no shame in the later, both skills keep you alive ).  And it may be in bad taste to say, but ever since loosing most of her hearing, Jess swears up and down it’s made her vision better, her reaction time faster, and her quick thinking even quicker.  Yes of course she’s slowed down with age, but a bullet shoots at the same speed no matter how old you are.  And you best hope she didn’t bring her firecrackers, because while sudden loud noises will absolutely temporarily discombobulate or debilitate an opponent with healthy hearing, it’ll hardly effect her at all and suddenly, you’re a sitting duck.  You see those thighs?  You see those calves?  She can crush PINEAPPLES with them!  People have seen her do it!  Do you know how many micro-fractures broke and rebuilt those hands?  Thousands!  She can crush a trachea like a fucking beer can!  She can kick you to death!  One ill placed curb stomp and you are DECEASED.  Sometimes she’ll just psyche you out because she KNOWS you know she can kill your stupid ass!       But while her strength, mental and physical, have always been there, her power is relatively new.  As stated before, people are power.  Not knowledge, not money, not strength.  People.  She’s a fearsome warrior but she’d be useless if outnumbered.  Shes a very successful pirate, but she’d never make it out of port without a crew on her ship.  She found a gorgeous island, but it’d still be wild without those who built it’s piers and buildings.  She manages orchards and tends to them and harvests them herself, but she would loose all of her crop without the helping hands of her employed farmers.  And like I mentioned, she deeply understands this.  Freedom is not independence or vice versa.  Did you make the clothes on your back or the fabric that made those clothes?  Did you write the books you read to make you smarter or teach you that skill?  Did you plant the seed years ago that grew that orange you’re eating?  No, of course not.  Jessica didn’t either.  Another human did.  We all need each other to fill the holes in our lives that we can’t fill ourselves.  Humans are puzzle pieces in that way, there is no bigger picture or prayer for survival on our own.  And because of this, we can do anything we as a community, as a SPECIES work together to achieve.  There is no knowledge if there’s no one to learn from, there is no money if a society don’t give it value, your money is worthless if those you’re paying decide to rise against you, your role as leader only exists at the consent of those you lead, and your strength won’t save you from a sinking ship.  People are, and always will be, power.       And as someone who is exceptionally strong and exceedingly smart, Jessica has slotted herself in the humanity puzzle thusly: The strong exist to protect the weak, the smart exist to educate, and the lucky exist so the unlucky may be given aid.  And it is with this fairness and compassion that she has won the trust of so many.  She has a great many friends and allies even outside of those in her crew or on her island.  And she can make many more with ease.  That kind of power is not a power to be trifled with, even if she can kick your ass six ways to Saturday without it. 

Three Weaknesses:

     She suffers ADHD.  Now before ANY OF Y’ALL SAY ANYTHING, I myself also suffer ADHD.  And yes I do say suffer because well that’s what it causes for Jessica and I, suffering.  Yes, it is ableist language to say ‘suffering from’ rather than ‘has’ or ‘is diagnosed with’ and yes it perpetuates a stigma against us but god DAMN IT in both Jessica’s case and mine, it make life much much harder than it needs to be.  At the end of the day, Red Jessica is a fantasy of mine; I pour myself into her whether I mean to or not.  She’s the adult I wish I was, the person I might be if I had no anxiety, or brainfog, or lived in a world were I didn’t need a credit score or a degree. And even then, I can’t say I know anyone else’s problems better than my own.  So if my character has problems, by sheer osmosis they are going to reflect some of mine.  Both of the characters I write have ADHD because I have ADHD and I couldn’t even begin to know how a non-ADHD mind works to write it properly.  And no, I’m not being dramatic when I say it causes me suffering.  I can’t drive, I can’t hold down a job, I nearly flunked out of school, I still cant read very fast or spell very well, I am constantly overwhelmed by mundane things, I’m a slow learner, I forget very important things or recent things, I forget about things that mean the world to me, I forget about people, I stumble through tasks, I procrastinate hobbies and basic hygiene, and everything I do takes all goddamn day and I can only really do one important thing at a time and in order of importance.  If I have a date at 4pm, I’m dressed and ready at 11am because I’ve gotta do the important thing first or else I will forget to do the important thing.  I started typing this at a little before 5pm.  It’s 7;30.  It’ll probably be 10 o’clock at night by the time I fucking finish ( edit: l m a o its 1am bitch you thought ).  I’m 26 and am just medicated enough to barely function.  So yeah.  Suffering is the word.       Though for Jessica, perhaps suffering is a tad strong of a word.  Her ADHD affects her ability to function in far less debilitating ways ( though whether that’s a result of a less severe diagnosis than me or the result of the society, situations, and responsibilities she functions in and around are far different from mine, who’s to say ).  For her, she has very consuming hyperfixations that can last anywhere between weeks to decades, a spotty memory that is detail and memento oriented,  she’s scatterbrained more often then not but can focus with amazing clarity on her interests or in high adrenaline situations, is is ABYSMALLY bad at math and EXCRUCIATINGLY bad with numbers ( as opposed to me, who is good at numbers but shit at spelling or reading ), she can forget anything no matter how important it is to her or to anyone, she’s bad with names and dates, is COMPLETELY time-blind, has trouble prioritizing, and of course, wile not actually that materialistic, she absolutely has the ol’ magpie instinct.       While her poor memory assists in her adaptability and ability to move on, it also means she forgets things she needed to remember, like when the last time she bathed was and who this person is and what happened between her and someone else or what conversation’s shes had.  Unfortunately this means she’s a very good friend and leader... while you’re around and interacting with her on at least a weekly basis.  It’s almost a lack of object permanence in both a social and very real sense.  If something is not right in front of her, odds are she’s not going to think about it.  And while its something she constantly kicks herself for and actively tries to be better about, it applies to people too.  Face to face is the best way to interact with her; she won’t think to write you and in her modern verse she won’t think to ever call and she’ll text you back in perhaps a few days.  She doesn’t value you any less, I promise.  She’s just either distracted or overwhelmed.  Also, for someone as understanding as her, she is surprisingly self-centered.  Not selfish, self-centered.  She’ll talk about herself more than she should, and will assume people understand that she’s doing so as a form of showing empathy rather than bragging when they may not know this at all.  Actually she accidentally assumes all the time.  It was far worse when her hearing was functional; she’d finish your sentence for you or guess what it was you were going to say ( again, not to talk over, you but to show she understands you and the conversation, tho it usually came of as annoying or patronizing ).  Sometimes she mistakenly assumes you believe or know the same things she does without even realizing it.  Maybe she perceives the right idea off of someone but isn’t observant enough to notice anything past that.  And while she is willing to change her mind about things, she might change her mind a tad too quickly.  She’s an over-sharer and is horrible at keeping any kind of secret.  Romantic relationships tend to fizzle out. Her impulse control is improving but has a VERY long way to go. She’s always chasing something new.       All and all, when you’re a pirate, a librarian, or even a captain, all of these things may be irritating and inconvenient, but are overall manageable in chunks.  ...But as a governor to her island, as a leader of an entire population... oof. In the position of leadership that she’s in, she can’t afford to make too many massive mistakes, and she knows this.  ‘There is no power quite like the power of being underestimated’ is a phase you’ll hear her say a lot but for her, there is a shift in connotation.  If people expect less and you do more that’s a great upper hand in any situation but for her, it was a safety net.  Having ADHD sometimes means going months or years being fine and then eventually you fuck up and everyone around you wonders how in the world you managed to do that.  She has only barely avoided disaster more times than she’d like to admit.  Even with the resourcefulness, the understanding, and the power she wields, she’s finally starting to realize that she’s bit off more than she might be able to chew, with the entire well-beings and livelihoods of others on the line.  And she fears that one day she’ll play her cards wrong and everything she’d built, everything she’s done, will all come crashing down in ruin.

     She is Hard of Hearing.  This one is literally as simple as it sounds: she has moderate and degenerative hearing loss and tinnitus after years of canons, explosions, gunshots, and a definitive, scale tipping attack in her early 30s.  Her ears just don’t work at all like they used to.  The whole world sounds like it would if everything was underwater: she can’t pin point the location of sounds, how far off or close sounds are, and barely registers changes in volume. And it only gets worse the older she gets; one day she won’t hear anything at all.  And while yes, again, it might be very harsh and ableist to say, the truth of the matter that being deaf a “ weakness ” more often than its a strength.       That said, it very well can be a strength.  I’ve already mentioned that trick with the firecrackers and let me tell you it is a DAMN EFFECTIVE TRICK.  Shes around explosions and canons and guns all the time and now she can focus while being around them five times better than she could in the past!  But unfortunately it also means she’s very easy to sneak up on, she sometimes isn’t aware of danger until it’s nearly too late,  no one can get her attention or warn her across any distance, it’s very easy to escape from her, and it’s easy for her to be just... left out of things.  She might hear you talking, but she has little to no idea what you’re saying without sign or lipreading.  Some people don’t have the patience or even just the courtesy to speak slower, or clearer, or repeat themselves a lot.  Though, those last too thinks aren’t weaknesses of hers so much as they are the weakness of others, but they still negatively affect her self esteem and her effectiveness as a leader.       All of this has taught her to pick her battles carefully, and plan around the elements of surprise and discombobulation.  And while communication was tricky at first, it only got easier, and now she can talk to you almost like anyone can, so long as she’s looking you in the face. 

     That damn bleeding heart.  We have established a number of things that should easily add up to an overly empathetic, trusting, fight-the-good-fight, martyr-some, idealistic pushover;  she believes humanity and kindness are strengths, she has taken on the role of leader and then a provider, she has known suffering and tasked herself with ending the suffering of others to the best of her ability,  she lacks the clarity of mind to assume people aren’t just as good or capable as her automatically, she can have poor impulse control at times,  she wants to have relationships, and ( while I never stated this outright yet it can be inferred  ), she believes that being able to see yourself in others is the foundation of humanity and ( as i did say outright ) humanity is what keeps us unified and unity is what makes us fit and strong.  Keeping up?  Good. Here’s the curve ball: How can she whole hardheartedly preach and believe all of this, to the point of it being the foundation of her character, WHILE BEING A VIOLENT THIEVING AND BLOODTHIRSTY PIRATE?!  HOW, MANGO? HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?! MAKE IT MAKE SENSE!!  Ok, fine, sure, I will. I’m sure about one half of you are looking up from the screen and going “ Oh yeah, wow I totally forgot that bit. “ and the other half got about two and a half paragraphs in before squinting and silently calling bullshit. So let me explain.      In short, she’s a detached hypocrite and is well aware and unashamed of her hypocrisy while far less aware of her detachment. I’ll cover both:  Western culture as a whole seems to be under the impression that hypocrisy, despite context or importance, is automatically bad.  I don’t know where this comes from personally ( my bet is Christianity but I have exactly 0 evidence ) but its a very... flawed idea.  Take the freedom of speech vs racism problem; say you owned a bar where all could speak their mind freely over cold drinks.  Excellent concept without context, right?  Sure. ....Then a die hard racist covered in slurs and symbols walks in and orders- what are you going to do?  The correct answer is to throw him out instantly.  Not let him sit so long as he doesn’t cause trouble, not just ignore him and hope he doesn’t return, you throw him out.  Is it hypocritical?  Yep!  Sure is!  But it is also 100% necessary to protect your other patrons because if you don’t, the racist starts feeling safe and bringing his racist buddies, literally everyone else starts feeling unsafe and starts to hang out elsewhere, and two months later, ta da!  You now own a n*zi bar and there is literally nothing you can do about it. Jessica is in a somewhat similar situation.  You as a pretend bar owner need to make a decision as who to let into your bar and who to throw out for the good of all of your patrons.  Jessica too is faced daily with that decision.  If she want’s to help as many people as possible, the only realistic way she can do that are by protecting those under her leadership... only.  She is surrounded by hateful, angry, sneaky, traitorous, abusive, or otherwise evil people.  Piracy as a profession and poverty in general can do that to a person.  Of course there is a clear difference between those down on their luck and desperate, and the truly cruel and twisted, but unfortunately both types of people yield the same wrongdoings.  It’s absolutely her nature to extend a hand to anyone and everyone but.... she just can’t anymore.  Too many times has her trust been betrayed, too many times has she gotten in peoples business trying to be helpful, only for her to absolutely bite her in the ass.  Too many time the extended hand is bitten and once or twice, she’s actually made things worse.       Now, she will only help someone she loves, someone under her leadership, or someone who seeks her out.  That’s it.  And even then, sometime it manages to bite er in the ass.  But she had to set that hard limit for herself out of necessity, one she does her absolute best to adhere too and... these days she adheres a little too well. That leads us to our next point; what I was alluding to at the beginning of her Understanding essay when I said she has limited but deep running empathy.  That detachment again, courtesy of a very unattached mother and unchecked ADHD. ( It isn’t a strong enough characteristic to even rank as a strength or a weakness but damn if it isn’t an undercurrent to a lot of her motivations and experiences. ) Strangers are fair game that she tries to ignore, but if she even perceives you as a threat, you could be in danger. Like anyone used to violence or perhaps anyone trapped in an us verses them mindset, she can just... flat... turn her empathy off.  Not on command, she’s not a socio or psychopath persay.  But she has become totally numb to the horror of violence via her warrior upbringing that, in her mind, violence can actually be rather fun. Pair that with the fact that she purposely tailored herself to only be empathetic to her allies and boom.  You get a kindhearted killer.  Cops and soldiers in our world do it literally every day.  Actually anyone can do it really, even you if you tried. You don’t have to be evil or even angry to kill or steal or lie... you just have to believe you’re right.

Three Secrets:

     WHAT SECRETS?!  LMAO this bitch is the oversharing queen!! I’ve been typing and pondering her character for literal hours ( its currently 11:16, fuck you adderall ), and I still can not think of a single goddamn secret.  There is nothing about her that at least five random people don’t fucking know about!! The only secrets she has are secrets she knows about other people and even then she is!! literally the worst!! She spills her guts left and right and yet she wants to be a mysterious bitch SO BAD like BABE I love you, you’re precious, but you are a dumbass attention seeking validation chasing adhd CLOWN girl!! Stop telling random people about your hermaphroditism or your dairy allergy or your dead dad or that time you fell asleep in a barrel like that is literally your uber driver Jessica honey come ooooon. I’m skipping this section mom holy fuck.

Three Fears:

     What if she does wrong by everyone who trusts her?  As stated at the end of the ADHD essay, she’s terrified of failing those she leads.  Where it as simple as personal failure, she’d be fine.  Ever if her entire world came crashing down on top of her she’d either die or start back from square one.  Death is a fact of life and her adaptability means she can just dust herself off and move on, so neither her death nor her failures really scare her... But it isn’t just her life and happiness at stake, is it? Not anymore, right?  What started as a leader of a small gang of rebels became a full crew, then a crew became a slew of allies, then those allies built a town and now... now she’s the governor of the Crimson Isle and there are nearly twenty five HUNDRED lives at her mercy.   HER mercy.  One really, really bad mistake could ruin their livelihoods or spark disorder and disloyalty.  And if she died?  Would whoever it is that will take her place be as good to them as she is?  Is she good enough to begin with in the first place? Every day the paperwork gets a little bit thicker, every year there’s a new baby or two.  And the isle has fertile soil sure but will it last?  Are they prepared for a raid or a hurricane?  And if Jessica trusts the wrong people, where her people right to trust her?  ...can I protect them? Can I protect them?! CAN I PROTECT THEM?!

     Who am I if I’m not interesting?  This is, literally, an entirely subconscious fear.  She’s not at all aware it exists and therefor this entry is short. But between her short time with her very unimpressed mother, her own ADHD, she is constantly hungry for attention without even realizing it.  She must be interesting and intriguing and engaging, and I did mention she wants to also be mysterious.  She wants not so much your input or even your validation - but rather if shes not perceived then.... is she really there? Remember, she is unaware of any of this.  And fortunately she’d never been starved for attention to act out over it in the first place, even when her disinterested mother was alive. Look at her; she’s radiant, she’s beautiful, and she’s 6′4 / 195 cm shredded and covered in cool scars. Without even opening her mouth, without even her colorful clothes, she’s kind of automatically interesting.  So she’s never been so desperate for attention that she acts out because she’s never been without it for very long.  But it’s there. Hungry, aching, silent.  Those years after the M branding were horrible and she could never really explain why.  She still throws parties, organizes festivals, and talks to damn near anyone who will listen.  Look at my art!  Look at my library! Listen to how much I know! Let me tell you how lovely you are! Look at my scares! Look at my hair! Look at me haha, please, please look at me. 

     GHOSTS. NOPE. No. NO. Fuck ALL of that noise. Stay dead, go to hell, eat a dick.  Red Jessica is a scientist and superstitious atheist. As an academic and somewhat bi-cultural woman she simply thinks there are far too many religions with far too much history for any of them to be considered The One True Thing You Must Believe Or ElseTM and she tends to not truly believe anything until she finds some kind of proof.  Shes not afraid of the unknown, shes thrilled by it. She’s not afraid of death or the afterlife, that’s beyond her control. She’s only superstitious because she does believe in and value luck, and also its a bit of a cultural habit. BUT IF SOME SHIT STARTS MOVING ON ITS OWN OR IF SHE SEES SOME BULLSHIT IN THE CORNER OF HER EYE THEN SHE IS OUT OF THERE. OUTIE 5000. She has heard the tales of lost souls from purgatory or the eternally ravenous Pret or dangerous Phi Tai Hong or the tragic and startling Banshees or the creepy Santa Compana and she wouldn’t believe a word of it where it not for one thing.      SHE FUCKING SAW ONE. She’ll never forget it, it was the first and last time she EVER attempted to plunder a tomb all Skyrim style and at first she thought it was one of the crewmean being creepy as shit until she got a good look and he was SEE THROUGH AS SHIT AND SKINNY AS FCUK AND SHE GOT LITERALLY CHASED THE FUCK OUT OF THAT JOINT. She does not CARE that some ghosts are just apparitions she does not CARE that some are friendly and trying to warn her of something if you are MOVING and DEAD at the SAME time get FUCKED. If any of y’all cringe try-hards bring a Ouija board to the party you are getting SENT HOME and BLOCKED. NO CAP.

Three Goals:

   She really only has one left. Listen its... almost 1am and ive been typing since like 5pm i think i covered goals somewhere in here but ive gotta throw in the towel but even then I’m kinda being serious.  Her only remaining goal is to find a suitable heir of some kind.  She wants what she’s built to fall into worthey hands but she could never seem to find a good parter and even when she did she couldn’t sustain a pregnancy ( you’d think that would be a huge deal but it hardly mattered to her oddly ).  So at 50 the option of having kids is out but there’s still plenty of hope for either adoption or a protege.  But then again, she’s so busy these days that she hardly prioritizes it like she wants to.  

                                                                               holy shit i need some water...

[thebiasrekkers]

Make It Right [BTS Mafia!AU]

Plot: “It’s always darkest before the dawn…” It’s a dog-eat-dog world in Seoul, South Korea. One has to dwell in the shadows in order to reach for the light. What are you willing to sacrifice in order to feel the sunlight on your face? What will it take to drag you back into darkness? How long will the journey be to make it right?

Rating: NC-17 // NSFW

Genre: Series | Mafia!AU | Crime!AU | Angst | Romance/Fluff

Pairings: Jin x OC | Taehyung/Hoseok x OC | Yoongi/Jungkook x OC

Warnings: Graphic Violence, Heavy Language, Angst, Slow Burn, Smut

Previous Chapters: Prologue 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34

Links: FAQ || BTS Masterlist || Admin E’s AO3 || Admin E’s WP || [ REQUESTS ARE OPEN ]

Word Count: 2,832

Tag List: @prisczero​, @pinkpjmin​, @btsaudge​, @flowerwrites06​, @unoriginal-username15432, @halussali​

CHAPTER 34: EPIPHANY

“Underneath the smiling mask, my true self is coming out.”

© thebiasrekkers (Admin E). All rights reserved. Reposting/modifying our work is prohibited. Translations are not allowed. Plagiarism/stealing is not tolerated by any means. Legal action will be taken in instances of theft.

Seoul – Cheongdam; Gangnam District South Korea

Anastasia groaned when she felt someone tugging at her shoulder, attempting to rouse her from her drunken slumber. Her body swayed back and forth and she swatted at the hand pulling her. Her hand fumbled around for the covers and she attempted to yank them up and over her head. Solace was given to her for a moment and she hummed in sleepy contentment.

However, her victory was short-lived when the blanket was completely ripped from her body, exposing her to the open air. Flailing like a toddler throwing a tantrum, Anastasia flopped onto her back and then sprung up into a sitting position. Her dirty blonde hair was messy and tangled but she didn’t care. Instead, she glared up at the person who was destroying her sweet slumber.

“Ana,” Raelyn said while shaking her head, “if you don’t get up and come on.”

Anastasia flung her arms around in various directions, fighting back an oncoming migraine and whining in the process. “Rae Unnie, it’s my day off!”

Raelyn held a glass of water out to her. She took it and automatically opened her other hand to accept the aspirin that was waiting for her. Raelyn smirked when she downed the aspirin and drained the glass.

“I made breakfast,” said the older woman, turning away from her to head down the small flight of stairs from the bedroom loft, “so get washed up and come down to eat.”

“Kay,” was all Anastasia offered before swinging her legs over the edge of the bed.

Not wanting to keep her friend waiting, she opted to wash her face and brush her teeth. She’d shower later. Once she made her way downstairs, Anastasia took note of the folded-up blankets and pillows on the couch. The previous night’s antics played out in her mind and she couldn’t help grinning.

Raelyn suddenly showed up at her door with two big bottles of booze. Anastasia wasn’t one to usually turn down free alcohol, but she also knew that Raelyn wasn’t the type to mindlessly indulge in binge drinking like some college student. There was clearly something on her mind and the only way to chase it away was through booze. Anastasia could relate and since she had the next day off, she didn’t mind spending the evening drinking away.

They played cards, Monopoly, UNO and vegged out on the couch watching Netflix. Neither of them talked about work or the boys. Anastasia could tell that Raelyn wanted to avoid those subjects as much as possible. Everyone deserved a night to escape and there was a part of her that felt bad that they hadn’t included Eden. When it was mentioned, Raelyn said that Eden had other plans. Without having to say it aloud, Anastasia knew that it was with Jungkook. The woman was brutally honest and stubborn, but her affection toward Jungkook was cute.

She would tease her about it relentlessly.

The smells from the kitchen made Anastasia’s stomach groan, reminding her that she was, in fact, starving. It reminded her of when she had her own aspirations to start a restaurant and ultimately failed. It was probably for the best, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t prone to thinking about those days from time to time.

Raelyn whipped them up a traditional Southern Style breakfast of sausage, eggs, grits and toast. A side of sliced strawberries were set on small plates. Anastasia watched her pour a glass of milk and a glass of orange juice for each of them. When everything was set, the two women sidled onto the chairs by the counter and began to eat, neither of them wanting to say anything until they’d gotten a few bites in.

Anastasia swallowed a mouthful of toast and scrambled eggs, washing it down with milk, before finally deciding to break the silence. “So, do you want to talk about it now?”

The fork hovered by Raelyn’s lips and stayed there for a few seconds. She sighed, setting the utensil down on her plate. Anastasia remained quiet, not sure if she should repeat the question. There was a glint in Raelyn’s eyes that almost screamed what was being turned over and over inside of her head. But doing that would mean she hadn’t processed anything; that she hadn’t been sitting on this something for days.

She wouldn’t have shown up with the offer to booze it up if she wasn’t prepared to get her mind right.

Stabbing at a piece of strawberry, Anastasia gripped the utensil and tried to slow her heart rate some. It never usually took Raelyn this long to speak her mind. Especially if something was bothering her. This, in turn, made her uncomfortable. But instead of prodding further, she waited.

She watched Raelyn pressing her hand to her forehead, sighing again. “Everything’s fucked up,” she finally said.

Anastasia blinked, canting her head slightly. “What do you mean?”

Raelyn was now pressing both of her hands to her face. “I mean everything is fucked up, Ana.”

There was a broken tone in her voice that was unfamiliar to Anastasia. She couldn’t help but worry that something terrible had happened. But from what she understood, the boys were doing okay. Their businesses were thriving, and they were walking away from the criminal underworld like they’d dreamed. Raelyn’s reason for worrying wasn’t even a factor anymore. She could date Taehyung freely and without the strain of having to look over her shoulder.

She didn’t understand what the problem was.

Anastasia reached out to place a hand on her friend’s shoulder. “Did something happen?” She paused, brows furrowing. “I mean, besides what happened with Eden Unnie?”

She’d heard about the incident that occurred when Raelyn was dispatched to another hospital. Eden got half a dozen voicemails from her that day and an earful of high-pitched screaming when she finally answered the phone. Regardless of how tough her friends were, Anastasia didn’t want them getting hurt. Not when there wasn’t a need for them to worry about it anymore.

Raelyn shook her head back and forth fervently, her fingers clenching into fists near her forehead. “Things were supposed to get better once they went straight, right?” Anastasia’s brows furrowed when the older woman finally turned to look at her, eyes wide and shaking. “So why does it feel like things are going to get worse?”

“What?” She felt a lump forming in her throat. “What in the world is that supposed to mean? Why would they get worse?”

The older woman laughed, border lining mania, and this caused Anastasia’s hand to fall from her shoulder. “God, how could I have been so fucking stupid? How could I have missed it?”

Anastasia didn’t understand what she was talking about. However, just because she couldn’t understand didn’t mean that the implications weren’t unsettling. It felt like she’d eaten a bag of river stones for breakfast – her stomach heavy and cold.

“Jimin told me something, Ana, and I’m not gonna lie, it rattled the hell out of me.”

“What did he—”

“The boys might be out, but there’s competition that wants them to stay.”

She blinked, unable to believe what she’d just heard.

“Whoa, wait…what?” Again, she blinked. “Why?”

“That’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it?” Raelyn scoffed. “Why in the fuck—”

“—would they want their rivals to stick around when they could just claim the territory the Golden Jackals left for themselves?” Anastasia finished the thought and now it was Raelyn’s turn to look surprised. Averting her gaze, she curled her hand near her chin while glaring at her half-eaten breakfast. “That just doesn’t make sense. Strategically, when competition is gone, that leaves room for a takeover when the option for a merger is no longer on the table.”

From a marketing or bargaining standpoint, attacking the former Golden Jackals would lead to zero gain. She recalled a conversation she had with Seokjin about something similar. When companies refused to go along with mergers, a buyout option was presented. If the buyout option was refused, then eradicating all competition from the board was the next step. But if the competition chose to pull itself from the game, then the remaining competitors usually fought amongst themselves over who would take over what was left behind.

Pulling the competition back that chose to remove themselves would bring them no profit. It would create unrest all over again…

Is someone foaming at the mouth or something?

When she next met Raelyn’s gaze, it was like something dawned on the older woman. Several emotions passed over her face, but the one that Anastasia recognized immediately was anger. Something she’d said apparently set her off.

“They think they’re bluffing.”

“Huh?”

Raelyn stood from her chair suddenly, causing Anastasia to recoil. “They think Hoseok and the others are bluffing!” She began pacing and all Anastasia could do was follow her with her eyes. “They’re not sure if they’ve really dissolved or not. That’s why they’re not launching a war.” She smacked her forehead while letting loose a mirthless laugh. “That’s why the others haven’t started stirring up shit. They’re not sure what Hoseok and the others are going to do!”

Anastasia heard her laugh again, but it sounded terrible, making her skin crawl. “Rae…”

The older woman continued pacing for a few more minutes, muttering things to herself. When she suddenly stopped, Anastasia was halfway out of her seat. The two friends met each other’s gazes and it was like they both thought the same thing at that very same moment.

“What’s going to happen when they find out that it’s true?”

The work week seemed to crawl at a snail’s pace. It was unbearable and Anastasia was sure she would start the process of plucking her own eyeballs out. Seokjin and she hardly had time to see each other at all since he was doing his best to assist Hoseok and Namjoon at the new hotel in Yongsan. Not that she blamed him or needed her hand held. He wouldn’t have hired her if he didn’t think she was capable of handling things without him constantly being in the office.

Jimin being there was a boon and he was always at the ready to assist whenever she needed him. Even when she didn’t, he had coffee and snacks ready – encouraging her to take breaks before she got lost in a mountain of paperwork.

Burying herself in her work, however, was the only way she could successfully chase her worries from her mind.

She’d wanted to pick Jimin’s brain; to figure out what was going on behind the scenes. All she knew was the financial aspect of their businesses. It was her job to maintain it and make sure all the books were up to date. Nothing was out of place and Seokjin wasn’t asking her to fudge the books either. Accounts were stable and clean. No money was laundered since none of their funds were funneling in from an outside source even remotely associated with the criminal underworld.

Yet she couldn’t shake the frustration and worry that radiated from Raelyn. It was bleeding across to her now, making it hard to focus on her job. Seokjin and she were getting closer, sure, and others could clearly see that they were an item. But without him there to reassure her that things were going to be alright, Anastasia felt on edge. Hell, borderline neurotic. She could admit it.

Was their friend, Eden, suffering like this also? When she saw her a few days ago, it didn’t look like it. What was she doing that was different than what either Raelyn or she were? Had the mixed girl gotten her hands on some magic pills, being selfish and unwilling to share?

Wanting to stop by her friend’s shop on her lunch break, she took a breath of air in relief when she arrived and saw that nothing was happening. The garage was closed, a sign hanging out the window saying they were out to lunch and would be back in an hour. Anastasia finished her paperwork early and decided she would take a long lunch, so she had time to kill until her friend got back. Maybe Eden would have some answers to the questions that were constantly nagging at her.

Just as she was about to hail a cab to a nearby café, Anastasia let out a sharp squeak, realizing too late that someone was now in front of her. Her chest bumped into said person, causing her to stumble backwards. The stiletto points of her shoes scraped along the concrete loudly. When she was positive she was going to see the sky, a pair of hands grabbed her shoulders to steady her.

“Whoa,” said a gentle voice, a hint of amusement laced through it, “careful there.”

“I’m so sorry!” Anastasia apologized, taking a step back and bowing her head. “I should have been paying more attention.”

“It’s alright. I was just wondering where the fire was.”

When she finally lifted her head to look up, she saw an unfamiliar man standing in front of her. He had mouse brown hair, umber eyes, and a sweet smile that mirrored in motion with said eyes. Flushing at his appearance, she quickly shifted her gaze to look away from him. She felt more embarrassed than anything else.

“There’s no fire.”

“I can see that.” She moved to look at him again just as the man brushed some of his hair out of his eyes. “Were you here for an appointment?”

“Oh, no,” she said with a laugh, “I just came to see my friend. Looks like I just missed them.”

He slipped his hands into the pockets of his slacks. “In this day and age, you didn’t think to call her ahead of time?”

Anastasia pressed her hand against the side of her neck, giving a shy laugh while shrugging one shoulder. “I suck at surprises?” She laughed again until a thought struck her, causing a tiny shiver to shoot down her spine. Her hand slid slowly from her neck, falling to her side as she began narrowing her eyes at the stranger in front of her. “How did you know my friend’s a girl?”

“I assumed.”

“Assumed that I don’t have guy friends?” Anastasia took a step back when she saw the man’s gaze darken, his smile remaining. “Or that you already know who owns this shop?”

The man laughed, shrugging and then taking a step forward. She took another step back. He leaned forward, peering at her like he was examining a specimen in a jar.

“Clever girl,” he mused, straightening to his full height, “it didn’t take you long to pick up on that. No wonder you’re their financial advisor.”

Her eyes narrowed further. Anastasia didn’t appreciate being mocked. “…and who the fuck are you?”

“Ya, Yoo Kihyun,” called a familiar voice from the sidewalk. They both looked to see Yoongi approaching them and Anastasia felt a wave of relief wash over her. “What do you think you’re doing?”

Kihyun gave a lazy smile but there was no warmth in the gesture. Anastasia shuffled a few steps back when Yoongi closed the distance between them. He made a point to place himself in front of Anastasia, shielding her from the man who was getting his kicks out of messing with her. She had half a mind to throw her shoe at him.

Peering at him over Yoongi’s shoulder, Anastasia maintained vigilance as the other man scrutinized over her rescuer.

“Ah, Yoongi-ah. It’s been so long.”

She heard Yoongi scoff. “Not long enough. Now answer me: what do you think you’re doing?” Kihyun said nothing. “Actually, a better question: why are you here?”

“No reason,” he dismissed and Anastasia bit back her urge to pop off, “curiosity mostly.”

“I’m not surprised. You’ve always been a sick, twisted little fuck.” Anastasia blinked at the barbs coming from Yoongi. She gasped when he suddenly turned around to look at her. “When Eden gets back, don’t tell her about this.”

“Huh? But why?”

“Please, Ana-ssi,” he said, his brows furrowing.

Swallowing the lump in her throat, she finally nodded – albeit reluctantly. Yoongi’s expression relaxed somewhat and he bowed his head.

“Thank you.” He then turned around to face Kihyun. “You’re done here, Kihyun-ah. You talk to me now.” Yoongi strolled past the other man, not so much as giving him a backwards glance. “Follow me.”

Kihyun smirked, winked at Anastasia, and then followed after Yoongi as was demanded of him. Anastasia wasn’t sure of what to make of that encounter, but she knew she would have to thank Yoongi properly when she got the chance. Kihyun’s smile may have been charming, but the way he carried himself suggested something cold and unfeeling.

It left a knot in Anastasia’s stomach.

Is he one of the guys Rae was talking about? she thought, frowning, …are they the ones trying to pull them back?

[zxddy-panther]

Blessed

A/N: Hey guysss! I really feel so bad for not writing at all but I finally have something out for you guys. For all those who are still wondering, yes I am still going to write my Summer Walker inspired BP series. I just have to get all these drafts posted for yall before I post them. This one kind of took a while so I hope you all enjoy it. Also if you want to read all my stories I do have a masterlist posted but all my works are on my wattpad (@zxddy_panther)

Erik X Black!reader

Summary: A breakup between you and Erik has led you both into a deep hole of despair but there is still a light at the end of the tunnel.

Warning: Self harm, depression, some fluff later on

 You wandered the rainy streets of Albany with your dark hoodie, walking slowly in despair. Body slouched and face drooping with sorrow, your mind replaying the moments of weeks ago. The yelling, the harsh words, the tears, and worst of all: the breakup. The relationship truly wasn't bad but you woke up to the harsh reality that it was you. It was your own mind that was pressuring you to believe things that weren't true, that weren't real. It ultimately broke your relationship and you had no one to blame but yourself. It has become your biggest and deepest regret letting him go because you truly did love this man.    

You loved Erik Stevens but you just didn't know if he loved you too.      

*****    

The key allowed access to your cold, dark apartment as you tracked your wet rain boots onto your floor. You slipped them off and set them near the door and headed towards the bathroom, ready to commit yourself to the same miserable regime. Turning on the lights and looking forward, you stared into the eyes of a now lost soul. You were disgusted by the person in the mirror because THEY ruined your conscience. THEY ruined your self esteem and THEY ruined your relationship but you soon realized that they.....is you. Your eyes welled with tears as you threw off your damp sweater and opened the drawer under the sink. Grabbing the razor you quickly put it against the skin of your arm and pulled back with speed. Your actions slowed as you watched the dark red blood begin to rise up from the long cut along your brown skin. A numb feeling washed over you as you continued the motion over and over and over again. Place, push, and drag. Place, push, and drag.

You looked down at your numb and bloody arm with tears streaming down your face. Tear drops fell onto the many wounds and made you hiss in pain. "I've gotta get this shit cleaned up" you thought. Your body makes its way towards the bathtub to fill it with warm water. After you removed all your clothes you looked at yourself once more in the mirror. The now scarred lines that ran across your thighs and your new stripes shone red all across your arm. This will always remind you that you deserved this. Your head slowly turned back to the tub that was done filling up, you headed towards it. Placing one leg after another into the bath water, you allowed yourself to completely submerge yourself in the liquid and drowned yourself in utter silence.    

*******    

Its been about 40 minutes since you started staring at the ceiling fan in your room just mindlessly thinking. You felt so empty and physically drained from all the tears and emotions that you have been letting out. A silent buzzing from your phone woke you from your trance. You rolled on your bed towards your night stand and grabbed the phone to check who was calling you. The caller ID read: Erik. Everything froze and your world stood completely still. You were shocked and had no idea what to do as your hands shook frantically. The vibrating stopped and you took a look at your phone again to see that you had 10 missed calls from him prior to this. "How did I not hear this?" you thought to yourself. "Do I call him back?" The ring quickly started back up and you hit the answer button as fast as you could. Putting the phone to your ear, you took a deep breath and spoke for the first time in weeks.    

"Hello?" you whispered. All that could be heard was ragged breathing on the other line. You sat and listened, waiting for any type of response.    

A hushed "Y/N?" came from the other side. Your eyes shot opened and your heart rate increased.    

"Yes Erik...."    

"Y/N.." you waited. "I-I need you please. Im freaking out baby please come back I cant do this without you. I need you here with me Y/N. Please come back to me."    

You quickly ended the call and shot up from your bed. Throwing on some clothes, you headed towards the kitchen and grabbed your car keys.    

*******      

You arrived at Erik's door step feeling crazy for even doing this. You fumbled with your keys to find his spare house key still attached. Inserting the key into the lock, turning it, and pushing the door open you were greeted with a body curled up in corner of the living room. Erik was rocking himself back and forth, sobbing, repeatedly saying your name. You used your foot to close the door and his head shot up.    

He looked just as tired and drained as you. His once beautifully braided locs were now frizzed and out of braids. Dark brown bags surrounded his eyes as if he hasn't slept for days. You slowly walked towards him while he rose to his feet. The two of you kept your distance, standing awkwardly in the middle of his living room, until his eyes met yours. When your eyes locked it was like your emotions were also in sync with one another. You watched his eyes start to well up and his face begin to distort as he tried to hold his tears back. Closing the distance, you began to walk towards him and cupped your hand on his cheek. His eyes slowly closed as he leaned into your touch, allowing his tears to finally fall.    

"Baby..." he let out. "I-I need you in my life. Its like I-I." His hands began to shake as he brought them up, clenching his fists." Its like I cant live without you Y/N. I don't want to live without you." He looked down and quickly grabbed your hands to hold. "What happened? What happened to us? Was it me? Because if it was I swear to Bast that I'll fix it just- just give me another chance" The volume of his voice started to pick up. "Please come back to me Y/N." His hands gradually rose up to grab your arms softly but, even his gentle touch caused great pain to your wounds. You snatched your arms away and hissed in pain. He looked up at you with a confused look plastered on his face.       

Erik had a feeling to what was going on but, he just didnt want to belive it. You promised him months ago that you wouldn't revert back to hurting yourself. He prayed that he was wrong but  lifting up your sleeves revealed the harsh red lines across your arms. He closed his eyes as more tears fell from his droppy eyes.    

"Y/n. Did I do this to you?" He brought his hand up to your face and brushed your tear away with his thumb.     

"No no. It wasnt you Erik. It was never you." You decided that it was time to let him know the truth. The weight that you've been carrying on your shoulders has gotten heavy enough.    

*********    

"Y/N...Im sorry. I shouldnt have left-" You placed a finger over his lips which stopped his words. Your eyes took him in again once more. His skin and lips still as soft as you remembered. The message was clear as day when the two of you locked eyes. Erik took your face in his hands once and placed his lips on yours. Both of your lips moved in sync while tears came streaming down your faces. He slowly sucked on your bottom lip and let out a small sigh. He missed this. He missed you.    

You pulled away for breath but held fast to his body.      

"No Erik. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I made you feel like this. That I made you feel like this was all your fault when it wasn't. It was mine. I was always so insecure about how you truly felt about me and-" Tears started to choke you up but this time you let them fall. You were so tired of holding back your feelings and thoughts. "And I always felt like you didn't love me as much as I love you."    

The phrase replayed itself in his mind. This was the first time that anyone had said that they loved him. His troubled past had put him in the mindset that he could never be loved. Today was the day that he was finally proven wrong. He always knew that he had a great girl who always found time to see him, even in the worst circumstances. Someone who was always down for him, and someone who would never leave his side.

You heard him begin to chuckle as his smile spread across his face. You looked up at him confused, feeling stupid for confessing your deepest feelings.    

"Whatever Erik" You began to turn away from him and started heading towards the door until he grabbed your hand, pulling you back into his chest. He looked down at you while resting his hand on the small of your back. His dark ember eyes starred deeply into yours, unraveling you as you stood.    

"If only you knew how much I love you. I'm so blessed to have you in my life but I need you to know that-" He brought his face closer to yours, looking from your lips to your eyes. " I love you more than words can say."    

(Please message/repost to let me know if you want to be on the taglist because im still tagging random people :/ )

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