#Hydroflax Robot-Body

[thedoctorloveshis1hercompanions]

Doctor Who Parallel

[capaldiera]

watching return of doctor mysterio i forgot the doctor canonically cut nardole out of the hydroflax robot and made him a new body because he was scared to be lonely once river left/died

[mygalfriday]

you heard it from those other boys but this time it’s real (River/12)

Prompt #4: Double Date

Technically, this might be her fault but as a self-proclaimed psychopath River hardly possesses a conscience that needs to own her every mistake. And she certainly has no intention of claiming responsibility for this one. She fully intends to blame Hydroflax.

Finally settled in their brand new flat, she and the Doctor had decided to have a bit of fun playing hosts for the evening. Acting as a normal married couple who throw dinner parties and play board games had seemed like a laugh. The problem, of course, was that they didn’t know anyone on Darillium to invite. It had only been a few weeks and they’d spent most of that time christening every available surface of the flat. Neither of them had been inclined to get dressed and meet their neighbors.

The only two people they know happen to share a single body. The Doctor had been adamantly opposed to having one of her former husbands as a dinner guest and River, relishing his jealous scowl, had relented quite quickly. So they had decided to invite Nardole round for dinner and proceeded to bicker over the menu and the wine until they actually felt like an ordinary couple with ordinary problems. Of course, they’d made up immediately – impossible to stay angry when you’re both grinning at each other like idiots.

Eventually, they’d decided River would make the appetizers, the Doctor would make the main course, and they’d make dessert together. The Doctor hadn’t even blushed when she’d made a filthy joke about it. He’d only looked at her with exasperated affection and kissed her quiet. A girl could get used to that sort of domesticity.

While technically the robot body Nardole now inhabits doesn’t need to eat, its system does have the ability to convert food into energy to help maintain the electrical charge. River had spent a good hour convincing the Doctor that cracking open their dinner guest to study this phenomenon would be in poor taste. When the day in question actually arrived, things went surprisingly well. River actually made her appetizers instead of popping out somewhere and stealing them; the Doctor didn’t explode the kitchen while making the beef bourguignon; and Nardole was an excellent first guest.

The problem appeared during the main course. One moment Nardole had been licking the gravy off his spoon and praising the buttery garlic of the mushrooms while the Doctor leered at her smugly, and the next he’d simply dropped his spoon and powered down, his head drooping against his metal shoulder.

River looks to the Doctor, frowning. “Should we be worried?”

He shakes his head, his brow furrowed and his fingers tapping idly against the table. “Don’t think so,” he says, eyeing Nardole like the exact opposite might be true. “Lots of people eat too much and need to nap.”

“Not midsentence. And he’s not people, darling,” she sighs. “He’s a robot.”

Before he can reply, Nardole’s head begins to disappear – sinking into the confines of his metal body. River can only watch in helpless fascination, like a pedestrian witnessing a car crash, as Ramone appears in his place. He yawns widely, as though he’d been interrupted mid-nap, and blinks as he takes stock of his surroundings. When he sees River, he breaks into that big grin that had endeared him to her the first time they met. “Hello you.”

River darts a glance at the Doctor, who looks too bewildered by this turn of events to even be properly annoyed about it. “Hello Ramone. Everything alright?”

“I think so.” He squints, as though taking stock of himself. “Nardole ate too much.”

She pointedly ignores the Doctor’s terribly unsubtle gloating. Gesturing to the spread before them, she asks, “Hungry?”

“I could eat.” He looks down at his plate, brows lifting. “Is this for me?”

Pasting on a smile, River nods. “Yes. Of course.”

Finally seeming to realize he’s about to have dinner with his wife and her ex-husband, the Doctor shifts uneasily in his chair. His right eye twitches.

“Oh, how nice.” Ramone leans forward, inhaling deeply. “Whatever it is, it smells delicious.”

“Beef bourguignon.” She bites back a smirk, glancing at her husband. “The Doctor made it.”

“Did you really?” Ramone shovels a generous bite into his mouth and groans, eyes falling shut. “It’s very good.”

The Doctor’s grip around his fork tightens and for a moment River wonders if she’s about to have the privilege of witnessing her two-thousand-year-old husband start a food fight. At last, he sighs through his nose and loosens his white-knuckled grip on the poor cutlery. “It’s River’s favorite,” he grumbles, “So I learned to make it.” His eyes narrow and he stares pointedly at Ramone as he adds, “Because I’m her husband.”

River rolls her eyes and reaches for the pinot noir.

Undeterred, the Doctor presses, “We’ve been married for centuries. In multiple universes. Did she tell you that?”

“Hmm? I think she mentioned it.” Too engrossed in his food, Ramone doesn’t appear to notice the Doctor’s annoyance despite his complete lack of subtlety. It’s part of the reason River had gotten so annoyed and erased his memory; he’s such a dear, dense thing. If only he weren’t so damn pretty.

Helping himself to a glass of wine Nardole hadn’t finished, Ramone turns his attention back to River. “I like the new flat,” he says, smiling at her. “How are you enjoying your stay so far?”

And thus begins the most awkward evening of her life. Considering the length of her life, tonight ranks pretty high on a fairly substantial list of terrible evenings. She makes polite conversation with her ex, telling him about the new furniture she and her husband just ordered from the next planet over and how offensively high the shipping cost had been. They discuss mutual friends and reminisce about previous adventures, all while the Doctor stews in silence, scowling at his plate. River keeps her hand on his thigh under the table, squeezing every now and then just to see him twitch.

After what seems like hours, dinner finally comes to an end. Ramone wipes his mouth on a napkin and pats his metal belly. “So, what’s for dessert?”

River opens her mouth, already smirking, but the Doctor cuts her off with a glare. “There is no dessert,” he says firmly. “At least not any you’ll be getting.”

“Spoilsport,” River murmurs, ignoring Ramone’s puzzled glance. She pushes aside what’s left of her wine and conjures up her most charming smile. “Actually, I think we’ll call it an early night, if you don’t mind. The Doctor has a headache.” She tips her head, nose wrinkling. “Or he’s about to, at least.”

“Erm. Yes.” The Doctor quirks an eyebrow at her, his leg shifting under her palm. “There’s definitely some throbbing.”

She nearly chokes, smothering her surprised laughter in a strangled cough that makes her eyes water. The Doctor grins shamelessly at her, looking triumphant and smug in a way she absolutely shouldn’t find sexy. She really does anyway.

“Right,” Ramone says, eyeing them strangely. After a moment, he seems to give a mental shrug before pushing back his chair. His metal body clicks and whirrs as he rises, suddenly towering over them both. “Thanks for dinner. It was lovely.”

River presses her lips together, still far too amused to manage speech.

The Doctor, damn him, looks cheerful for the first time all evening. “Our pleasure.”

Together, they walk Ramone to the door and see him off, waving in the doorway until he disappears down the corridor with clunky steps. The moment they shut the door behind him, the Doctor dissolves into laughter. Helpless but to join in, River tugs him in by the collar of his shirt and presses her giggling mouth to his cheek. “You jealous idiot,” she laughs. “He’s no one, you know. Just a bit of fun.”

He huffs. “We’re fun.”

“We are,” she promises, swaying into his chest. She tips back her head and meets his soft gaze. With a sigh still bubbling with laughter, she admits, “We’re… everything.”

The Doctor dips his head and kisses her – a bit rougher than normal, just possessive enough to make her shudder. Nipping at her lip as he pulls away, he nudges his nose against hers and whispers, “Dessert?”

River grins, slipping her arms around his neck. “I’ll clear the table.”

[sushigal007]

I *was* going to do this one yesterday, but I was having such fun playing Joan Mole, I marathoned her entire round in one sitting and didn't finish until midnight, whoops. And even though we're in that timeless period between Christmas and New Year, I still think it's important to go to sleep at a reasonable hour if I ever want time to have meaning.

tl;dr, on with the show!

We start on a snowy colony on Christmas Day. Merry Christmas music! And a grumpy note on the TARDIS, which Nardole knocks on. The Doctor opens up sporting lovely antlers. He's not thrilled about them. Seems the Doctor has been mistaken for, well, a doctor.

Nardole leads him to the flying saucer. River greets him. The Doctor is thrilled, but she has no idea who he is. However, he seems to think all her threats are flirting, until she mentions that her husband is dying.

Credits!

The husband is pretty much a head in a giant rock 'em sock 'em robot. The Doctor is jealous, even more so when River tells the guy how much she loves him and that she has sent for the finest surgeon in the galaxy. Oops. The Doctor lets Nardole know he's not actually a surgeon.

The Doctor steps out with River and tells her he's the Doctor. She's like, yeah, that's why I called for you. There's a diamond in her husband's brain. She wants it back. The husband, not so much. Apparently he likes to eat people, so River doesn't care so much about killing him, although the Doctor isn't so thrilled about that. River tells him he reminds her of her second wife.

Then Hydroflax steps in and takes his head off. Turns out the robot bit is in fact all robot. Seems he's been listening in. She fights the body with her sonic trowel, and the Doctor threatens to drop the head down a garbage chute.

The robot refuses to fight anywhere near Hydroflax in case it harms the head, so the Doctor shoves it in a bag and they teleport out. The bag yells and I giggle. So does the Doctor.

River still doesn't know who the Doctor is. He seems about to explain when Ramone, who teleported them out, shows up. Turns out he's River's husband too. They're looking for the Damsel. They found the 'capsule' but nobody matches the twelve faces he has. It is, of course, the Doctor's previous faces and his new one hasn't made the list yet.

The robot questions Nardole. By removing his head and plugging him in. Then it flies off.

River is going to steal the TARDIS. The Doctor protests. River lets slip that she's been stealing it for a while and parking it right back where she left it, lol. She sends Ramone away, I missed why, and the Doctor pretends to be amazed! That it's bigger! On the inside! He's having such a good time with it, I can't help smiling.

The head's turned off and is sending out a distress signal. River tries to take off, but it won't work because Hydroflax is both inside and outside at once.

Oh, seems Ramone went off to find Nardole. Nardole lures him into an alleyway where the robot body is pointing a gun at his own head.

River reckons the easiest way to deal with the head-body dilemma is to kill the head, which is when Hydroflax wakes up and tells them if they do, his body will destroy the world. Then Ramone knocks on the door. Surprise, he's the Head head now! The body tries to kill River. Ramone objects. Hydoflax encourages. The Doctor decides it might be time they took off. And they arrive at a party on a spaceship. Not the Titanic, thank goodness.

One of the staff recognises River. She asks him to deadlock seal the doors to the hold. The bag grumbles. The Doctor says he has an irritable bowel. Judging from the comments Hydroflax is making, it's very irritable.

Turns out River has sent them to a ship of genocidal maniacs, so the Doctor should fit right in, lol. She's going to sell the diamond. She tells the Doctor it only took a week to seduce Hydroflax and that men always believe it when you tell them they're the hero of their own story. They have a conversation about her diary and she's kinda sad because it's nearly full, and she knows the man who gave it to her would've made sure it would be exactly as long as it would be needed. But he's nobody special, honest.

Ramone begs the staff to let him out of the hold. One of them says he'll just poke his head around the door, so I don't expect it'll stay on his shoulders for long.

The buyer for the diamond shows up and unzips his head and hands her a gooey bank ball. Ew. The other customers all have unzipable heads and oh dear, they're doing this for their beloved king. King Hydroflax. Oops.

Staff guy begs to keep his head in exchange for telling the robot who River Song's husband is.

The Doctor hands Zippy the bag containing Hydroflax’s head, but yanks it back and starts auctioning the head until it wakes up and yells. Everyone bows. Then the body bursts in. Hydroflax wants his body back. The body... does not want *him* back. And zaps him.

Staff guy takes River's diary and hands it to the robot. He reckons the Doctor would make a great new head. River says she has no idea where he is and that he doesn't love her anyway. And the Doctor has to stand there and listen to her run herself down. For a while. And then she realises. And he hello sweetie's at her. And it's adorable.

Turns out she timed this meeting right for when the ship gets hit by a meteor shower. A little bit Titanic after all then. But there's time for some flirting. River runs off to fly the ship and the Doctor deals with the robot by plugging in the bank ball that was inside Zippy's head. Bank security is very good and the robot body kinda conks out

River recognises the planet up ahead. It's Darillium. River says the Doctor is always cancelling dinner there. He would quite like to cancel this one too. He teleports her on to the TARDIS. She immediately materialises around him. They have a bit of a domestic before they realise they can both just step inside.

It's a bumpy landing and River is knocked out. The Doctor picks up the diamond she dropped and time travels a little bit forward until the crash site isn't so flamey. And they're right in front of the singing towers. Some chap comes along looking for survivors and the Doctor suggests building a restaurant there. Using the diamond for money. He zips forward to when the restaurant exists and makes a reservation for Christmas Day. In four years.

River wakes up. She steps outside just in time for her reservation. And it turns out Ramone and Nardole have been working there in the newly-fixed robot body ever since the crash, taking it turns to swap heads.

The Doctor appears and gives her a gift! It is, of course, the sonic screwdriver from Silence In The Library/Forest Of The Dead where she'll die. The Doctor is definitely not crying as they step out onto the balcony and listen to the towers sing.

River says there are stories about them and she looks them up sometimes. The Doctor says she shouldn't, presumable because he's come across some of the filthy ones, but she's talking about how many of them say their last day together is on Darillium and she figured out that's why they never got there before. But if this is the last night, she wants him to find a way around it. He tells her times end and there's no happy ever after. She tells him happy ever after doesn't mean forever, it just means time.

And then he tells her a night on Darillium is 24 years. And they both lived happily. And I happy cried.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Not the most Chritsmassy story, mostly just a few mentions of the date to remind us, but I don't care because I'm so happy they got all that time together! We know River's going to go off and die after this one, but she's going to go knowing her husband loves her. The important one, at least.

Her other husbands are pretty underwhelming though. Ramone was promising up until he got decapitated, and Hydroflax never really lived up to his reputation, but what the hell, it's Christmas, can't have too much murdering at Christmas. And Nardole is always fun, I was quite happy when he came back. I do wonder what happened to Ramone though. Maybe he kept the body.

[amillionmillionvoices]

12/river trapped in a closet

She doesn’t quite know what to do. After dinner on the balcony, after they return to the TARDIS, after she showers and slips on familiar clothes.

There’s so much she wants to say, even more she needs to hear. Her stomach still hasn’t settled and she can feel her hearts pick up every time he looks at her. She feels like she’s on a precipice, getting ready to jump and for the first time in as long as she can remember, she doesn’t know if he’ll catch her. 

Isn’t certain anymore that he wants to. 

The Doctor, of course, says nothing. She finds him in the console room, and barely has a chance to breathe before he drags her off on a completely unnecessary tour. He takes her to the 19th deck where there’s a perpetual desert storm and down below where there’s a room full of nothing but carousels; he shows her the replica of Coney Island and a new library and a meadow with thousands of butterflies. 

“Not actually butterflies,” he admits as one lands on his arm. “Tiny robots.” 

He grins, like it’s a huge secret he couldn’t wait to share, and oh, how she’s missed him. She wonders how long he’s been alone, that he’s this eager, chattering away like he’s been starved for company. 

Though his voice is different, she still loves the sound of it, the way he narrates each room. She loves the smell of him, though she has to keep stopping herself from getting too close, from breathing him in. She wants to—wants, so much, to simply stop, to close her arms around him and bury her face in his shoulder and just stay there, for as long as he’ll let her. 

But he doesn’t seem interested in that this go around, and his touches are fleeting at best. The occasional hand on her spine, or her arm. He doesn’t take her hand. 

She supposes she deserves it. 

After Manhattan, after Hydroflax, Fleming and Ramone, she understands why he’d be reluctant to touch her. Now that he knows, now that he’s seen the parts of her she’s tried so hard to keep hidden from him, to protect him from. 

She doesn’t blame him. Couldn’t fathom it, but it hurts—the way his body doesn’t lean toward hers anymore. The way he barely looks her in the eye. She wonders what he sees, now, when he looks at her—a thief, a murderer.

A monster. 

He touches her arm again to steer her from the room, and she flinches. His touch is too light, too absent, too unintentional. 

She doesn’t deserve it, regardless, but her chest aches and she has to take slow, measured breaths, has to dig her nails into her palms to keep from crying. 

There will be time for that, later. When he finally tells her the truth. 

When he leaves. 

She tries to pay attention, to ask questions and offer the occasional innuendo that doesn’t make him blush any more. Instead, he just looks at her strangely, like he doesn’t know how to process the words, and she bites her tongue the next time there’s an opportunity; the very thought of making him genuinely uncomfortable makes her feel ill. 

Pushing the feeling aside, she forces a smile as he explains how the waterfalls work, and where the stream goes. It’s beautiful, and wonderful, and she wants to know everything but all she feels is tired. 

It’s been so long since she’s seen him, so long since Manhattan and she’s been running nonstop and she just wants quiet. Wants one night without nightmares, without his words ringing in her ears, things he’d said in his grief to make her angry, things he said to finally make her leave. 

Looking down at the railing, she stares at their hands, both curled around the metal. There was a time when she wouldn’t have hesitated to cover his fingers with hers; a time when he would have done the same. Now, he keeps himself at a distance, the physical space between them almost more than she can bear. 

And still, she smiles.

She smiles when he takes her to a diamond cave and smiles when he shows her badminton courts and smiles when he grumbles about the new training room the TARDIS made. She smiles behind a flinch when he touches her elbow to guide her into the room, at the same time he declares how horrible guns are and how much he hates having a whole room of them on board. 

Though the room is dark, she steps away from him, closing her eyes briefly against the lance of pain in her chest. 

She knows he hates weapons. She isn’t sure why it’s taken her so long to realize she isn’t an exception. 

Behind her, she hears the Doctor shuffle around for a light switch, hears the door click shut behind him. 

“It was right here the last time I was here,” he mutters. 

She doesn’t want to know why he was in here. The air around them feels dense, and she can’t see anything in the black, not even with the sliver of light from under the door. 

“It’s fine,” she says. “We can come back another time.”

She reaches past him and fumbles for the door handle. 

“It’s stuck.”

“No it isn’t,” he says, and she huffs. 

“Yes, it is.”

She feels him press up against her, and stumbles out of the way, knocking into something that feels suspiciously like a broom. 

“Doctor.”

She feels her way along the wall: shelving, a few bottles, pails, and what she hopes are sponges. 

The Doctor is muttering at the door. 

“You locked us in a cupboard.”

“I did not. It’s the training room.”

“It’s the maintenance cupboard.”

He kicks the door and then grunts. “Why would I take us to the maintenance cupboard? It was supposed to be a grand tour.”

“Sonic?”

“My other coat,” he says, and his voice is strange, almost disembodied. She can’t see him at all. 

“Seriously?”

“No, you’ve been Punk’d,” he says, and she tries not to flinch at his tone. 

“There must be some way out of here,” she says, trying to feel around; but it’s a small space, barely big enough for three people, and it’s only a moment before she bumps into him, and quickly steps away, shrinking herself into the furthest corner. She knocks over what she thinks is a mop, hears it hit something hard and then clatter to the floor. 

“Ow.”

She almost smiles. 

“You’re dangerous, you know that?” he says, and her smile drops, her hearts like a lead weight. 

Part of her assumes he’s joking, but in the dark, without his smirk or glimmering eyes she can’t tell, and the words fall flat between them. She doesn’t have a reply, words stuck in her throat, and because he can’t see, she wraps her arms around her stomach in some kind of embrace. 

Oblivious, the Doctor sighs. “We’ll just have to wait until she lets us out.”

“She? The TARDIS?”

“Who else?” 

River frowns. “Why would the TARDIS lock us in a cupboard?”

There’s a beat, then, “Seriously?”

River glares, then realizes that won’t do any good and huffs loudly. “Forgive me for not being a mind reader.”

“If you were this would be a lot easier,” he says, low and almost reluctant, and her breathing stalls. 

She knew this was coming. She just thought, maybe, a few hours… that she could have just a few more hours with him, to say goodbye for good before he flies away. 

“River,” he starts, and she can hear the hesitation, the guilt, and slams her eyes shut.

“Don’t,” she manages. 

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t say it.” She’s nearly begging, but she can’t bring herself to care. She can’t hear him say it’s over. That’s it’s been over for years. She knows, if he says it she’ll break and she can’t afford to, not here, not now. “I know—” Her voice catches and she clears her throat, tries again. “I know this isn’t what you want. I understand. I appreciate—everything.” Her eyes sting and she has to take two slow breaths to calm her trembling. 

“You appreciate it,” he echoes, and it sounds angry, bitter. 

“I just meant—I know what you’re trying to do, but it’s unnecessary. As soon as we’re out of here, I’ll leave you alone.”

He’s silent, and it weighs on her. In the dark; she starts to see faces, gaunt and howling. 

“If that’s what you want,” he says finally, flatly, and she resists the urge to laugh, almost hysterically.

“It doesn’t matter what I want,” she says. “What matters is that you—” She stops, hesitates. “What matters is that you’re happy,” she says quietly, and it feels like a secret, too hushed. 

“What makes you think I’m not?”

Because you haven’t kissed me, she thinks. Because you haven’t touched me. Because it’s been so long without me. 

Instead, she forces a laugh. “I can’t imagine anyone would be thrilled to discover their wife’s a homicidal maniac.”

“I already knew that,” he says, and she flinches, hard. 

Breathless, she barely manages, “Well, you certainly seemed surprised.”

“I’m always surprised when I’m with you,” he says, and she can’t tell what he means, how he’s saying it, his voice low and gruff in the dark. 

“Surprised isn’t happy.”

“No,” he agrees. “No, it isn’t.”

Tears sting at her eyes and she shuts them tightly. There’s not enough air, not enough space and everything feels like it’s closing in on her, suffocating. 

Please, she begs, hears the TARDIS hum soothingly in her mind. Please let me out. 

She can almost feel the ship’s disapproval, her defiance. 

The Doctor moves, does something she can’t see and then there’s a hand on her arm, but it feels misplaced, feels conciliatory, and she flinches. 

She hears what sounds like a sharp intake of breath, and his hand falls away. 

“I’m sorry. I’ll stop doing that.”

Don’t, she thinks desperately, please don’t stop, please touch me, please hold me— 

She can’t bring herself to say the words out loud. Instead, she clears her throat, tries to make herself small in the tight space. 

“No,” she says, too hoarse. “No, it’s not—it’s just—”

She doesn’t know how to explain. How his touch unravels her. How it feels like a brand, how she craves and needs it so much, and yet, dreads it. 

Because he’s too good. Too kind, too soft, and she knows she cuts him with her hard edges. Knows she’s too violent and too cruel and too sentimental for him, especially now. 

She can’t bear to imagine what he’d think of her if he knew, all the things she’s done since Manhattan. Since she lost the only three people she’s ever truly loved. 

He wouldn’t understand. He’s lost so much, over and over and somehow remains so, so good, and she’s not like that, never has been. Fear has never made her kind, the way it does him; it makes her weak. Angry. 

Unworthy. 

“Just what?” he asks, and his voice sounds softer, somehow. Patient, in a way he’s never been, not with her. At least, not lately. 

She doesn’t know what to say, without saying everything. 

She pushes it aside, tries to keep her voice causal, keep it from cracking. 

“It’s just been a while,” she says, and hopes he doesn’t ask. She hopes he does. 

“Since Manhattan?” 

She nods, and a long silence stretches before she remembers he can’t see her. “Yes.” 

“How long?”

She shrugs, like it doesn’t matter. “Almost a year.” 

There’s a beat, and his tone is a strange mix of anger and hurt. “Then you lied to me.”

“About what?”

“You said two months.”

River frowns, trying to remember. “When did I say that?”

“At Amy’s. When I followed you, you said—”

“Spoilers,” she says, suddenly breathless, a faint hope knocking at her ribs. She hasn’t been back to her parents house, with its warmth and photographs and memories. She hadn’t wanted to see it empty, hadn’t been able to bring herself to go back, to clear it out. She knows she’ll have to, eventually—she knows he won’t do it. 

“What do you mean, spoilers? You’re a professor, you’ve done Manhattan, and then you left and I found you packing up their house—”

“Maybe you did, but I haven’t done it yet.”

“You haven’t,” he echoes. And then, “You haven’t done Arnos yet either, I assume?”

“No,” she says, her mouth dry, suddenly desperate and terrified of seeing her husband, that version of her husband, again. She’d thought that was the end, after—

“So the last time you saw me…” he trails off, and River closes her eyes, tries not to think about his words, the look of betrayal on his face. 

This is your fault. 

She shudders, exhales, waits for more of his ire. 

Instead, he touches her again, fumbling in the dark for her arm. “I’m sorry.”

River blinks. “What for?”

“Everything,” he says. “What I said. What I did. Time travel.” He huffs. “I followed you, River,” he says, and she shakes her head, almost frantic. 

“Don’t tell me—”

His hand tightens around her arm. “I followed you, and I did everything in my power to make it up to you. Or rather, I will.” He sighs. “I didn’t realize it had been so long.”

River swallows. “It’s not your fault,” she manages. 

“Yeah, it is.” She opens her mouth to protest, and he must know, because he steps closer, still holding her arm. “Don’t. Just because I will apologize doesn’t mean you have to forgive me now.”

“I always forgive you,” she murmurs. 

“Even for not loving you enough?”

The words knock the air from her lungs, and she pulls away from him, winded. She’d known, she’d known he didn’t love her, not the way she loved him, but hearing it, she can’t breathe. Her hearts trip and she remembers her father, before he knew he was her father, asking her what she meant by a far worse day and it’s this, she thinks, this moment, all her fears true and the blackness and she can’t stop the tears from slipping down her cheeks. She inhales, body trembling and she’s glad, suddenly, for the dark. If this is what had to happen, and even the TARDIS knew, she’s grateful he can’t see her face. 

“River—” he starts, uncertain, and it’s not his fault, no one’s fault but her own, and she shakes her head, her voice cracking just slightly on her reassurance, 

“You can’t help it.”

It falls flat, sounds unconvincing even to her own ears but she doesn’t blame him, doesn’t want him to think she does, but when she tries to speak, it’s all air. 

“I suppose,” he says, and she tries to breathe, to control herself, but when she exhales it’s a hitched sob, and she claps her hand over her mouth, humiliated and heartbroken and so, so lost. 

“You’re crying.”

He sounds surprised, and she doesn’t understand.

“I’m fine,” she manages, swipes at her cheeks, aware her tone is too curt, angry at herself. 

“Why?” he asks, and there’s no judgement, no reprimand, just concern, and she supposes she owes him, for whatever good it will do. 

“I knew—” she starts, stops when her voice breaks and tries again, softer. “I’ve known for a while. That you don’t feel the same. It’s just another thing to hear you say it, that’s all.”

He moves, and she can feel him closer, and she closes her eyes, wishes he wouldn’t. She wants to bury her head in his chest and cry but she can’t do that to him, won’t do it to herself, and she’s so distracted trying to keep herself together she almost misses his words, the floundering, 

“Say—? No, River. That’s not—that’s not what I meant.”

Her hearts pinch. Her Doctor, always trying to make things better. 

“It’s alright, Doctor, really. It doesn’t matter—”

“Stop it,” he snaps, and she blinks, momentarily stunned. “Stop saying that, of course it matters.” He sighs, and steps a few paces away from her, and she doesn’t know what she’ll do, now. She knows she doesn’t need him—not to travel or survive or live her life but she wants him, always has, always will, and she supposes this is her punishment, to love so fiercely the person who can never or will never love her back. 

She’d thought she’d made peace with that. Apparently she was wrong. 

Just as her tears start to well again, the Doctor reaches out, fumbling along her arm for her hands. She tries to pull away but he holds fast, stands so close, his forehead nearly pressed to hers. 

“I meant I haven’t shown you. I haven’t been there for you. I haven’t done enough.”

She inhales sharply, rehears his words, and they mean something different, so suddenly, but she doesn’t dare hope. 

“Doctor—”

His voice trembles, and she can feel his breath against her cheek. “You really think I don’t love you?”

Hope flutters in her chest and she can’t do this again, can’t be brave any longer. Her mother’s last words ring in her ears, take care of him, but she barely remembers how to take care of herself. 

She wants to lie. On instinct, wants to apologize and lie and say it was all a misunderstanding, to chase the guilt and weight from his words. That of course she knows. Of course it’s all pretend. 

But she’s so tired. Of running and fighting and lying.

In the silence, the Doctor slides his hand up her arm, and she holds her breath as his fingers slip over her jaw, and his palm, soft and tentative, cradles her cheek. 

“I don’t know anymore,” she whispers, doesn’t mean to, wishes she could take it back but instead of the guilt she expects, the groveling, the Doctor’s quiet a moment, and then, so soft, his thumb brushing over her cheek, 

“Would it help if I said it?”

She freezes. “What?”

“Would it—”

She shakes her head. It can’t be real, can’t be true. Not once has he told her, never returned her whispers in the dark. She knows he can’t, and doesn’t want to demand it of him but she’s hungered for those words for so long, so much, each time he leaves her with a kiss and nothing else she’s wished. 

“You don’t have to—”

His hand falls to her waist and he holds fast. “Would it help, River,” he repeats. “The truth, please, for once.”

He sounds sincere, and desperate, and afraid, and for the first time she wonders if she was wrong. If all of this is wrong, and she’s just been without him so long she can’t remember what it feels like, his love. How he says it without saying anything at all. 

But she’s never heard it before. 

Amy and Rory never said it, not as children, not as teens. They never said it as her parents, though they certainly seemed to love her in some kind of way. She’s never been close enough to anyone else, and even if she had been, there’s only one person she’s ever wanted those words from and here he is, at last, offering them to her in the dark. 

“Please, River,” he whispers, like it matters. 

She swallows, breathes out, and admits, so quiet, “Only if you meant it.”

It’s as good as a yes, and the Doctor’s fingers dig briefly into her waist before he drops his hands, and she tries not to panic. 

“You know,” he starts, and she can hear his clothing shift, but can’t see what he’s doing. “Gallifreyan has over a thousand words for love. There’s a word you use for brothers, for sisters, for parents and friends and lovers and strangers.”

She knows, remembers learning them all, his voice in her ear, hand over hers as he taught her how to write, those beautiful circles it took her so long to perfect. 

“Time matters as well—most languages, they only think in past, present, and future, but Gallifreyan - there’s a word for “I love you right this second.” There’s a word for “I’ll love you tomorrow.” There’s a word for “I don’t love you yet, but I will.”” 

River bites her lip, feels like she’s waiting, feels like she’s falling, but the Doctor just keeps talking, almost casual, but she can tell he’s choosing each word with care. 

“We have words for inevitable love and unrequited love and fleeting love and dancing with someone you love. There’s even a word for falling in love, that roughly translates as “the sound of wind rushing in your ears.”” 

She can hear the smile in his voice, the fondness for his native tongue. 

“Marriages on Gallifrey only last one regeneration,” he continues, “Because personalities change, it’s unfair to assume people will stay together any longer than one life. Sometimes vows are renewed, sometimes people go their separate ways.” 

Her hearts plummet again, waiting for the truth, for him to step away. Instead, his voice softens, and he takes her hand again, stroking his thumb over her skin. 

“And very rarely, people will stay together through every one of their regenerations. Those people use a different word—there’s no exact translation, but it’s close to endless, boundless, eternal, with the understanding that life isn’t fleeting at all, not for a Time Lord. When humans say forever it just means time. A little more time.” He echoes her words, and she can hear his smile. “When we say it, it means unending.”

Her chest aches and her eyes burn and she can barely breathe. “Doctor.”

“I can’t say I love you, River,” he says, and she feels herself start to slip away, and then: “It’s too small, and too ordinary, and not nearly sentimental enough.”

River inhales sharply. “Sweetie—”

He pushes something into her hand, something soft and worn and she would know it anywhere, that old bow tie. Her fingers fumble for it, follow it, and she nearly gasps when she realizes one end is wrapped around his hand, the other loose for her. 

To choose. 

Leaning forward, his lips brushing her cheek before they reach her ear, he breathes the words she recognizes, words he just told her. It’s I love you forever. I love you eternal. I love you boundlessly. Her breathing hitches and she strives to stifle the sob, but it creeps up anyway, a shuddering gasp in the quiet room. 

“That’s why I don’t say it, River. Not because I don’t feel it. Because it’s just not enough.” His hand settled on her cheek, brushing tears away with his thumb. “Do you believe me?”

She sniffles, and almost laughs. She doesn’t know what to do, what to say, how to tamp down her hearts, which feel like they’re flying away. She wants to hug him, kiss him, hold him and never let go. She restrains herself, barely, and takes a deep breath before feeling in the dark for his hands. 

“Yes,” she murmurs, wrapping the other end of the bow tie around her hand, the gesture so familiar, so precious. 

The Doctor releases a breath she hadn’t realized he’d been holding, and she reaches out with her free hand, searching for his face in the dark. She brushes his cheek, and he instantly tilts against her, his other hand coming up to cover hers. 

“Good,” he says, his voice scratchy. “Good.” 

River smiles, and for the first time in so long, it’s real. 

“I love you,” she whispers, in his language, the same words repeated back and the Doctor shivers, and steps closer, crowding her, still clutching her hand. His forehead drops against hers and he tangles his free hand in her hair.

“River.”

“Shut up,” she whispers, and he seems to take it as permission, seems to open some floodgates she hadn’t been aware existed. He surges forward, pushing her back against a shelf and his mouth covers hers and she keeps her hand on his cheek, parts her lips and kisses him back. He makes a sound, gruff and somehow sweet, a moan that turns possessive when she tries to pull back. He grips her tighter, presses himself against her and he’s warm and gentle and all-consuming, his mouth moving over hers and his fingers against her neck. 

She startles when the lights come on, and the door clicks, but the Doctor doesn’t seem to notice, breathing heavily, his fingers brushing the remains of her tears from her cheeks. 

“Staying?” he asks, and she can hear the insecurity, sees it in his face still when she leans back, just far enough. 

Squeezing his hand, she smiles. “Yes,” she murmurs, the single word swallowed in his kiss. 

[timeagainreviews]

My Series 10 Rewatch: The Husbands of River Song

One of the beautiful aspects of starting this blog has been the opportunity to revisit old episodes. The title of this blog "Time and Time Again," isn’t just a reference both to Twin Peaks and Doctor Who, but also a raison d'être. The hope is that repeat viewings will bring forth new insights. Things I loathed previously may seem charming in hindsight. Things I initially adored may begin to show cracks in their facade. Some records take a few listens until we discover their greatness. Sometimes art requires consideration.

I mention this because our first review for the series 10 retrospective is for "The Husbands of River Song," an episode of which I detested. It's important to give this context as my opinion of it has indeed mellowed over time. I will endeavour to highlight this shift in perspective as memory permits. Before the other day, I hadn't watched this episode since it first aired on Christmas of 2015. What then can nearly half a decade add to the experience?

It should be noted that I have never been a big fan of Doctor Who Christmas specials. It would be quicker to count the reasons I like them, or in this case, the reason. That being, it's more Doctor Who. Other than that, I find the whole Christmas theme to be hokey. Growing up, I was a Halloween kid. I really don't like Christmas all that much, so an entire episode themed around it is not my idea of a good time. Even worse is when the villains themselves have Christmassy gimmicks like Santa robots or evil snowmen. I suppose in some ways, it's in the Christmas spirit for the Doctor to die and regenerate on Christmas, as they so often do. The concept of birth and renewal are a big part of the holiday. But if I was known to die a lot on Christmas, I might use my time machine to skip it every year.

Landing his TARDIS on Christmas Day, in the year 5343 is Peter Capaldi as the Twelfth Doctor. The planet, Mendorax Dellora, is one of Steven Moffat's usual Christmas village planets, stuck somewhere in a vortex of quaint sentiment. The Doctor appears to have about as much Christmas spirit as I do. Having just lost Clara both in spirit and memory, he's reverted to the Doctor's most worrisome state- hermitic and bitter. Not even the TARDIS' holographically generated reindeer antlers can bring out the holiday cheer. It's a visit from Nardole, a nebbish sort of man, that brings the Doctor out of his slump. Mistaking him for a surgeon, he leads the Doctor to what appears to be a crash-landed saucer. The obscene redness of its exterior against the plain backdrop gave me the strangest pangs of the circus tent from "Killer Klowns from Outer Space." Just throwing that out there.

From the outset, Peter Capaldi is at his most charming. I've never actually covered a Twelfth Doctor story before now, so I would like to mention how much I adore his performance as the Doctor. I know he gets a lot of flack from certain fans (see: dipshit morons with no class), but I think he's brilliant. Right away his banter with Nardole is apparent. It's easy to see why someone may have watched Capaldi and Matt Lucas interacting and thought "There's something here." Lucas' history in comedy gives him great timing as the foil to the Twelfth Doctor's eccentricity.

However, it won't be Nardole filling the role of co-star for long. As the Doctor enters the ship of King Hydroflax, he is greeted by the familiar face of River Song. As I have mentioned previously, I have issues with the way River's story plays out, but by this point in the show, I had grown to love her. Which is why this episode pains me so much. The problems inherent in having the Doctor and River's relationship play out like two ships in the night are at their worst in this episode, but I'll get to that in due time.

The King Hydroflax, played with great relish by Greg Davies is a mere head atop a giant robot body, painted in the same garish red as the flying saucer. River, acting very unlike herself, is practically prostrating herself in front of the vain king. Furthermore, she doesn't seem to recognise the Doctor's new face at all. Even more disturbing to the Doctor is the fact that River appears to be married to the king tyrant, talking about him as some sort of cherished lover. After analysing his new patient, the Doctor discovers a foreign body lodged into Hydroflax's skull. All the while, the king's loyal subjects watch a live feed of the operation, booing the Doctor when he refuses to placate the ego of their leader. It's an idea that has become painfully more believable in the years since airing.

The Doctor and River go into another room of the ship where River explains that the foreign body is, in fact, the most valuable diamond in the universe known as the Halassi Androvar. Somewhat to the Doctor's relief, he discovers that River's love for the king has been a ruse to recover the diamond for the Halassi people, from whom it was stolen. Much like the Doctor has turned into a bitter hermit, loneliness has brought out River's more sadistic nature as she takes to the idea of killing Hyrdroflax for the diamond in stride. Less enthusiastic of the idea than even the Doctor is the emperor himself, who has somehow managed to eavesdrop on two Time Lords while walking around in a massive robotic body. This kind of logic will continue throughout the night.

The king is much displeased with learning that his new wife is some renegade archaeologist with a sonic trowel. Taunting the pair, he removes his head from his robot body, leading River to improvise. Holding his head hostage at trowelpoint, River improvises and takes the entire head in a duffel bag. River's other husband, a beautiful but submissive man named Ramone, teleports her and the Doctor to safety with the head in tow. Meanwhile, Hyrdoflax's body sets about taking on a new head in the form of poor Nardole. It’s worth noting that River wiping Ramone’s mind of any knowledge that they were married is a bit creepy. There are implications involved that kind of gross me out.

The Doctor, having just met Ramone, is taken aback after having met yet another of River's husbands. Beginning to feel like a bit of an afterthought the Doctor takes small potshots at River's sense of loyalty, while also fishing for clues that he may or may not have ever meant something to her. For all this episode does to highlight the Doctor and River's secret feelings for one another, it does a piss poor job of actually staying true to River's character in one key manner. Throughout a majority of the episode, River fails repeatedly to recognise the Doctor for who he is.

Moffat tries somewhat to cover his tracks by making it look as though River only knows of twelve previous regenerations, including the War Doctor. In what looks like one of the cheapest props of the episode, she even has a little fold-out wallet with all of the Doctors' pictures. Knowing that the Eleventh Doctor was the end of his regeneration cycle, she never even considers the idea that the Doctor may have lived on. Even though toward the end of the episode, she remarks that the Doctor always finds a way to cheat fate, she wholeheartedly buys into the idea that the Doctor would just never regenerate beyond the Eleventh Doctor. In a single episode, not even River's own logic believes River's own logic.

Learning that River sometimes shows up to places he's been long enough to take the TARDIS for a joyride, the Doctor is given a chance to act as a bit of a spectator in his own life. There is a definite bit of glee to be found in the Twelfth Doctor's over the top reaction to his own TARDIS. Finally being able to say "It's bigger on the inside," the Doctor savours the moment to great comical effect. Ramone parts ways to he and River's pre-established rendezvous point. However, he is cut short by the giant robot body holding a gun to Nardole's head. Poor Nardole, he's having such a rough go of things. First, he brings the wrong surgeon, then he loses his body, and now he's being held hostage by his new body. The robot’s only demand is that Ramone send a message to River.

River, as always, is quite at home in the TARDIS, even taking a moment to raid the liquor cabinet of which not even the Doctor was aware. However, her flawless piloting of the TARDIS is thrown out of whack by unforeseen circumstances. Even after the Doctor deduces that the TARDIS won't fly while it senses the King's head and body are both inside and outside the TARDIS, River still doesn't grasp the fact that he is the Doctor. I would also like mention that while I found the TARDIS' failsafe to be a rather creative invention, it did immediately make me wonder about the Cyberhead Handles' body. What constitutes a body the TARDIS recognises? Could the Face of Boe fly in the TARDIS? Could Dorium Maldovar? Oh well, it doesn't really matter.

A knock on the TARDIS door from Ramone, now part of the robot, quickly reunites the head and body. However, for the third time in this episode, any action is immediately sidestepped by yet another person taking a disembodied head hostage. This time it's the Doctor threatening to throw Hydroflax's head down the garbage chute. Every chance this episode gets, it bravely avoids the perils of forming some sort of plot. The stakes have never been lower. The Doctor and River take the TARDIS to a restaurant aboard the starship Harmony and Redemption. Everyone onboard is some sort of war criminal or seedy individual, including the Maître d', a bug faced man named Flemming. After taking a seat in the restaurant, River reveals that she never planned on returning the diamond to the people of Halassi. Instead, she plans on selling it to the highest bidder.

The Doctor uses this moment to probe River for further information. River reads silently from her TARDIS diary. She reveals to the Doctor that the person who gave her the diary was the type of man who would know just how long a diary she would need. It's at this moment that the Doctor begins to see traces that River is very much still in love with him and that she may be a little lost without him. I would say this scene was touching if it weren't for the fact that it was undercut by River's inability to recognise the man sitting directly in front of her. It's so out of character for River to be this myopic. By this point in my initial watch through, I was so annoyed by this betrayal of her character that it took me out of the story completely. The second time around was only a little less irritating due to the fact that at least now I expected it.

River's buyer turns out to be Scratch, a very Moffatty body horror bad guy, in the vein of characters like Colony Sarff or the Headless Monks. After accepting River's price, Scratch opens his head like a coin purse and pulls out a little orb that connects to any bank in the universe. By this point, I've grown accustomed to Moffat's over the top exploits like this. It's feasible to imagine that Scratch's cruel master may have torn his head open to store money. It's like in "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy," when Humma Kavula removes a servant's nose to reveal a control pad that opens a series of draws tucked into his chest. However, it gets a bit far fetched when it is revealed that many other diners in the restaurant are the same species as Scratch and they all have the same scar across their faces. Is this some evolutionary trait? Are they a species so greedy that they evolved a place to squirrel away their money? Do they keep other stuff like car keys or bags of space weed? Not every bad guy needs to be a toy, Moffat!

The reason the patrons suddenly turn on the Doctor and River is that they discover the diamond is lodged within the head of their great leader. This brings up even more questions about their heads. Why doesn't Hydroflax’s head have the same scar? Are they the same species? How did this asshole even get so much power in the first place? There seems to be neither anything likable nor competent about him... oh right. Once again, the events of the years since have made this episode more believable. Dinner is even further interrupted by the King's body barging in, demanding its proper head. Only now it deems King Hydroflax's head unsuitable. Having been detached from his body for too long, the King's head is now dying. The body disintegrates the King's head, leaving behind the diamond. Flemming uses this opportunity to alert the patrons of the restaurant to the fact that River knows the perfect person to become the next head of state, so to speak. Of course, it's the Doctor.

Why Flemming knows River knows a Time Lord, but doesn't know she herself is a Time Lord is anyone's guess. Or maybe he knows and is just throwing shade by implying that the Doctor is a better Time Lord. It's at this moment that Alex Kingston is given one of her finest moments as River Song in the form of an emotional monologue. After arguing that the Doctor wouldn't be there with her because he doesn't care, it finally dons on her that the Doctor has been standing next to her the entire time. Despite the fact that Moffat sacrificed River's intelligence for the sake of a big reveal, the moment still resonates. Capaldi's warm gaze meeting River's expression of shock followed by his soft utterance of "Hello sweetie," is genuinely touching. No cynical sensationalism can undo the beautiful performances given by Capaldi and Kingston, who bring more gravity to the scene than the script.

For all of the hand-wavey tripe this episode heaps upon us, the way in which the Doctor and River escape this sticky situation is actually rather brilliant. In any other show, the appearance of a sudden freak meteor collision with the ship would seem convenient. But River is an archaeologist and a time traveller. She picked her meeting location perfectly- a starship about to be destroyed by meteors. Her line of "I'm an archaeologist from the future, I dug you up," is easily one of the best River Song lines ever written for Doctor Who. If this is truly her final episode, that's one hell of a line to go out on.

In another convenient moment, the diamond lands in River's dress as they're making their escape. I guess she planned that too. The Doctor uses Scratch's money orb to short circuit the robot body with its firewall. River and the Doctor run to the TARDIS while the ship crashes into the planet Darillium, knocking River unconscious. While River is out, the Doctor uses the opportunity to do a bit of time travelling. First, the Doctor gives the diamond to one of the crash's first responders, telling him to build a restaurant in front of the singing towers of Darillium. Then he jumps forward to a time when the restaurant has been built to make reservations. Then he jumps forward to the day of the reservation. River wakes up to find herself wandering into a beautiful restaurant on Christmas Day. Even Ramone and Nardole have survived due to some trickery on the Doctor’s behalf. Nardole is having a bit of “alone time,” which River remarks must be difficult as a head. That one goes up there with Ursula becoming a blowjob dispensing pavement stone at the end of “Love and Monsters.” The Doctor is waiting for River in a First Doctor style bow tie and coat. He treats her to a romantic meal and the gift of her own sonic screwdriver, the same sonic screwdriver she has when we met her in "Silence in the Library."

There's a nice little cap on the entire River storyline here that feels a bit more final than the one between her and the Eleventh Doctor. Perhaps it's the fact that it's the last time Moffat wrote her character, or perhaps it's because even River seems to know something is up. Having heard the legends of her own romance with the Doctor, River knows that her last night was spent with the Doctor on the planet Darillium. This is a bit of retconning that you often find in Doctor Who. River doesn't really know in her first appearance that she's headed toward her own demise, yet here she's all too aware of it. It's compounded by the fact that the Doctor reveals that a night on Darillium lasts 24 years. It's meant to be a sweet line that implies they got to spend a lot of time coupling together for 24 years, but it's really just 24 years for River to know, for certain, that she's going to her inevitable doom.

Retcons like these don't necessarily ruin the show. Storytellers shouldn't be forced to sacrifice the current narrative all for the sake of creating tidy bookends. Should Big Finish not put Peri and the Fifth Doctor in more adventures for fear that it may dilute the Doctor's sacrificing his own life for a woman he barely knows? Does him knowing her better make his sacrifice any less admirable? How about the many times River meets the Doctor in his previous forms even though the Tenth Doctor clearly had never met her in his life? I'm not going to answer these questions because they should be open-ended. It is a thing to consider in Doctor Who. If time is a big ball of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey stuff, then maybe the storylines are allowed to be as malleable.

As I've demonstrated above, our own experiences with the stories can be malleable. I watched this episode with my boyfriend because I wanted to gauge his initial reaction. A lot of his reactions mirrored my own. We both found ourselves enjoying it as a light romp afforded by the air of a Christmas episode, while also deriding it for its lack of plot. Like myself, he too felt that the big reveal was detrimental to River's intelligence and went on past the point of acceptability. It's one of the oddest things about Steven Moffat as a writer, no matter how clever his ideas actually may be, he doesn't ever seem to know when his audience has caught on. Perhaps it's the suits at the BBC underestimating the audience. Or perhaps this is because he spent a lot of his life as a Doctor Who nerd, oftentimes feeling out of place when talking about Doctor Who to casuals. But the modern Doctor Who audience has been raised on science fiction and intricate narratives. No hand-holding necessary.

Regardless of how attuned he perceives his audience to be, River's realisation seems more slavishly timed to the climax of the story than anything else. One can't help but wonder if Moffat hadn't been so insistent on making this moment the crux of the episode, we may have actually gotten a more serviceable plot. Instead of heads held hostage and hand waving, we could have gotten a stronger villain. Scratch could have represented more than just some guy with a coin purse head. There are lots of fantastical elements on display, but none of them is ever given any gravity. Moffat's fixation on character relationships is so single-minded that it comes not only at the sake of plot, but character as well. It's unfortunate that despite Alex Kingston's greatest efforts, River's goodbye is undercut by one writer's need to be clever.

[ebonysolcum-two]

Twenty-four Years

River made her way around the corner, expecting to find her husband. Instead, she found herself facing Hydroflax’s giant, red, metal body. But the head on top was instantly recognizable.

“Ramone?” she gasped.

“Professor Song,” he said. “The Doctor will be with you in a moment.”

She made her way towards him. “What are you doing here?”

“They pulled us from the wreckage, ma'am. Fixed us up. I've been working here ever since. Don't worry. The nasty part's all gone. Got deleted in a merger,” he assured her.

Her eyes ran over the robot body. “What about Nardole?”

“Oh, Merry Christmas, ma'am,” Nardole’s voice echoed from inside the body. “Yeah, good to see you again.”

She blinked in surprise before grinning. “Merry Christmas, Nardole!”

“Sorry I'm off duty. I'm just having some me time.”

“I imagine that must be quite a challenge,” she called.

“Yes, ma'am.” Nardole chuckled.

“So, Ramone,” River said. “You have a metal body now.” She raised a hand, running her palm over the smooth metal.

A voice came from behind her.

“Down, girl.”

River spun around to see her husband standing a few feet away. He had swapped his burgundy velvet jacket for a black suit and tie. Pulling a gold box out from behind his back, he started towards her.

“Now that, my dear, is a suit,” she complimented.

“Happy Christmas,” he said, offering her the box. It had a red ribbon and bow decorating the top.

“Really?” she asked, glancing at him. “I don't think you've ever given me a present before.”

He shrugged. Glancing at him curiously, she lifted the lid and glanced inside.

“Oh, it's a sonic screwdriver!” she gasped, gently touching the end of it with her thumb. “How lovely!”

“When I saw the sonic trowel, I thought it was just embarrassing,” he explained, gesturing awkwardly. “But, look.”

He took it out of the box and activated it, taking the opportunity to save her consciousness into it and setting it to continue taking readings off of her.

“Oh, thank you.” she exclaimed as he put the screwdriver back in the box. He caught her head in her hand and pulled him closer, pressing a kiss to both of his cheeks.

He grinned at her, surprised that he hadn't minded the intimate gesture. They started towards the balcony.

“You look, uh, amazing,” he stammered, gesturing vaguely at her dress.

“Doctor, you have no idea whether I look amazing or not,” River laughed.

“Well, you've cer— You've moved your hair about, haven't you?” He pointed hopefully at her hair.

“Well done. It's very sweet of you to try.”

“So what do you think?” He placed a hand on her arm, pulling her onto the balcony as he set the box on the table. He pointed at the view before then. “The Singing Towers.”

River stared in awe at the sight in front of her. The two pillars stood tall on the horizon, lit up by the golden sun setting behind them. She was drawn towards them like a magnet, letting out a soft gasp. He moved to stand beside her, watching her fondly.

“The music,” she breathed.

“Listen to it,” she gasped, turning to look at her husband. Her smile faded. “Are you crying?”

“No,” he said softly, avoiding her gaze. “Just the wind.”

“Nothing's ever just the wind.”

“No?” he asked, turning to look at her. “It blows through the cave system and harmonises with the crystal layer.”

He was grinning, but she could still read him, even with his new face. “Why are you sad?”

“Why are you sad?”

“I told you, my diary's nearly full,” she admitted. “I worry.”

“Please don't.”

She stared at him for a moment, trying to decide what he meant. Then she turned to look at the towers again.

“There are stories about us, you know,” River started hesitantly.

“Oh, I dread to think,” the Doctor groaned, turning away from her to look at the towers.

“I look them up sometimes.”

“You really shouldn't do that.”

“Some of them suggest that the very last night we spend together is at the Singing Towers of Darillium.” She turned to look at him. “That wouldn't be true, would it?”

He didn't meet her gaze. “Spoilers.”

River let out a gasp that was more of a sob than she'd readily admit. There had been none of the flirty playfulness that usually accompanied that word in his voice. He had said it softly and it had carried a sort of finality that scared her.

“Well, that would explain why you kept cancelling coming here,” she said, forcing a laugh. “Do you remember that time . . .”

“River, stop.”

“. . . when there were two of you—”

“Please, just don't,” he begged.

“Because I want you to know that if this is the last night, I expect you to find a way round it.”

“Not everything can be avoided,” he said, looking her in the eye. “Not forever.”

“But you're you,” she replied desperately. “There's always a loophole. You wait until the last minute and then you spring it on me.”

“Every night is the last night for something. Every Christmas is last Christmas.”

“But you will,” she insisted. “You'll wait until I've given up hope. All will be lost, and you'll do that smug little smile and then you'll save the day. You always do.” She laughed, but it was a desperate laugh.

“No, I don't. Not always. Times end, River, because they have to. Because there's no such thing as happy ever after. It's just a lie we tell ourselves because the truth is so hard.” He was avoiding her gaze again.

All traces of a smile had faded from River's face. “No, Doctor, you're wrong.” He turned to look at her, frowning slightly. “Happy ever after doesn't mean forever. It just means time. A little time. But that's not the sort of thing you could ever understand, is it?”

River had long since accepted that her husband would never understand the importance of the little moments. He had a time machine that could take him anywhere he wanted and he could visit the same event multiple times. He had lived for hundreds of years. Those little moments that were precious to her were simply a drop of water in the sea of time to him. She had convinced herself that she didn't mind but now that it was over, she wished he understood how she felt.

“Hmm.” He turned back to looking towards the horizon. He knew what he needed to tell her, what he needed her to hear, but he still couldn't bring himself to say the words. “What do you think of the towers?” he asked, turning to look at her.

“I love them,” she replied, but her gaze didn't leave his face.

“Then why are you ignoring them?”

“They're ignoring me. But then you can't expect a monolith to love you back.”

“No, you can't,” he said softly, recognizing her words as an expression of her doubt and insecurity. He looked back at the towers. “They've been there for millions of years, through storms and floods and wars and . . .time.”

River tore her gaze from the Doctor's face. She had hoped that mentioning what she had said on the ship would prompt him to address the issue, even if to confirm the fact that he didn't really love her, but he was still the Doctor. When the conversation got difficult, he began talking about the nearest landmark or species.

“Nobody really understands where the music comes from. It's probably something to do with the precise positions, the distance between both towers,” he went on, pointing at them. “Even the locals aren't sure. All anyone will ever tell you is that when the wind stands fair and the night is perfect, when you least expect it but always when you need it the most . . . there is a Song.”

His voice had dropped to a mere whisper. It was the closest he could get to telling her what he needed to. He only hoped she understood.

River let out a sigh. Her gaze dropped to the rail. Something was telling her that the Doctor's last words hadn't been about the towers at all. Part of her was overjoyed, but the rest was devastated. She wanted more time. Time with the husband she loved. Time with the husband who may just love her back.

“So,” she said, trying to keep an even voice as she turned to look up at the Doctor. “Assuming tonight is all we have left . . .”

“I didn't say that,” he tried to reassure her.

“How long is a night on Darillium?” she asked, moving closer to him.

He offered her a small smile before glancing up at the towers. Then he learned towards her.

“Twenty four years,” he whispered.

Her breath came out in a laugh choked by a sob. He was watching her as she grinned at him, laughing while still fighting back tears.

“I hate you,” she managed, looking away because she knew she'd start crying if she didn't.

“No, you don't,” the Doctor replied fondly.

[enigmasong]

Remember a couple months ago when I sorted a few Doctor Who monsters into Pokemon types? Well, I’ve decided to go through ever single monster, creature, and robot (except the Abzorbaloff, because I’d rather not think about him) in New Who and sort them all into Pokemon type. Because why not, am I right?

Made a point of never going over two types, but that’s the only game rule I followed as the rest of them can hardly stretch well over what I’m doing anyway and I admittingly don’t know them very well because I’ve never played any of the games. So take these with a grain of salt.

First off, I’m gonna give an overview of the ones I’ve marked out as legendary.

The Beast and the Minotaur get it for being basically gods. The Minotaur being something that sets itself up as a god on planets (this could stretch over to the Nimon as well) and the Beast being actual Satan.

The sun from 42 and the planet, Akhaten get it for being celestial bodies. And Akhaten can also get it for the god thing.

The House and the Great Intelligence get it for basically being disembodied intelligences. And also because they seem to be fairly unique in the universe.

And the unique thing is also what gives the Star Whale and the bat-dragon thing from Kill the Moon this status.

I think the Racnoss and the Carrionites probably also qualify from being species from the Dark Time of the universe.

And, finally, I’ve the Thames river monster from Thin Ice as one on account that it’s really big. And we don’t know much about it. Okay, yeah, I’m stretching a bit on this one, but it’s staying.

Alrighty. I’m gonna take these in order of first appearance:

Plastic duplicates : normal - They’re just plastic. What else can I do with them?

The Nestene Consciousness : poison - At least in the interpretation of it that appears in Rose. And, to be honest, I’m only giving it that because toxins is what it eats. It is a bit of  a stretch.

The Forest of Cheem : grass - ...yeah, I don’t need to explain myself here. I’m just not gonna fill this part in on anything I don’t have to.

The Gelth : ghost/poison - They are ghosts made of gas. And there are plenty of Pokemon that get poison type because they’re made of gas. Heck, the Gengar line are ghost/poison because they’re made of gas.

Raxacoricofallapatorians : fighting/poison - They ritualistically hunt and, as their Pokedex entry puts it, ‘in extreme cases, when her life is in danger, a female Raxacoricofallapatorian can manufacture a poison dart within her own finger and, as a final resort, the excess poison can be exhaled through the lungs.’ Hmm, I guess that’s only make the female ones fighting/poison and the male only fighting.

The Daleks : dark/steel - They are angry squids in tanks.

The Jagrafess : ice - It was kept in an icy place?

Nanogenes : fairy/steel - Well, they’re machines and they have a magical look to them, so...

Sycorax : fighting - Same reason as Slitheen.

Cat Kind : normal - What? They’re cats.

The Werewolf : dark - You don’t get much more evil than trying to take over the world. At least in fiction.

Krillitanes : flying - But only for the particular version of them we saw. Their ability to assimilate any trait from other creatures they please gives them the rather fun sounding ability to change their typing whenever, so they could potentially cycle through any of them.

Clockwork Droids : steel - They’re robots. I won’t bother explaining that for further ones where that’s the only reason for their typing.

Cybermen : steel - I’m a bit flim-flammy on whether or not I should give them dark as a secondary type.

The Wire : electric/ghost - It’s an electronic being that possesses TVs. It’s basically a Rotom.

Ood : normal/psychic - just your basic species with basic telepathy.

The Beast : dark/fire - Literally Satan.

The Isolus : fairy - It even kinda looks fairy-ish.

The Racnoss : dark/bug - They will devour entire planets because they are forever hungry. And I don’t think I need to explain bug typing choices here or anywhere they turn up.

Jadoon : normal/fighting - Just your basic thug cops.

The Plasmavore : dark - She’s a vampire and I don’t know what else to do with her.

Carrionites : dark - Evil witches.

Macra : poison - I’ve not seen their original appearance in Classic Who, but I’m pretty sure the use of them in Gridlock has them severely nerfed. Anyway, the poison typing comes from the fact that they live and feed of the toxic car fumes.

Pig slaves : normal

Lazarus : dragon - He’s a big beast. Which, as far as I can tell, is the only thing that is required to have the typing. I mean, the Alola variant of Exeggutor is a dragon type and the only visual difference between it and a regular Exeggutor is its long neck. If that makes something a dragon...

The Sun from 42 : fire

Family of Blood : dark - For lack of a better option, mostly.

Weeping Angels : dark/fairy - The dark is a given and I don’t really know how else to describe their abilities besides ‘vaguely magical’. Thought about giving the Carrionites the fairy type as well, but I decided not too so the Angels can remain special.

Toclafane : dark/steel - Living in a dying universe will do that to ya.

Heavenly Hosts : steel/flying - They could be flying/steel. I don’t think the order matters much in this case.

Adipose : normal

Pyrovile : fire/rock - This is the only rock type in this list. And it’s not even as the primary typing.

Sontarans : fighting

Hath : water - I mean, they’re fish people? I mean, we don’t see them doing anything with water, but that’s the only thing we know about them. So... I dunno. Fish-water, okay.

Vespiform : bug/flying

Vastra Nerada : dark - Quite literally.

The Creature from Midnight : psychic/dark - I’m not certain on the dark thing, though. We don’t know enough about it to be sure.

Trickster’s Brigade Beetle : fairy/bug - It’s the time travel thing. I know Celebi’s time travel abilities give it the psychic type, but that was because it came before fairy type existed.

Tritovores : bug - Raise of hands, who actually remembers these things off the top of their heads?

Wormhole Manta Rays : flying/steel

The Flood : water - Though I suppose that they basically posses people could make it ghost type as well. I dunno.

Prisoner Zero : psychic - I was gonna base this on Ditto’s typing since it’s the shape shifting Pokemon. Ditto’s type is normal. That... doesn’t make sense. So I’m making PZ psychic type since it requires being psychicly connected to people to take their shape.

The Star Whale : dragon/flying - Again, it’s really big. And flying. Through space.

Saternynes : water

Eknodines : poison - Um, are these actually meant to be real, or might they have just existed purely in the Leadworth dream?

Silurians : ground - Because that’s where they live. Okay, yeah, I’m stretching here.

Krafayis : dragon

The Silence : psychic/electric - Seriously, water is a conductor of electricity. It is not going to insulate Jack. Why are you putting them in water?!

The Siren : fairy/ghost - Actually, I feel really unjustified in this claim. But I really don’t know what else to give her, so I’m not bothering changing.

The House : dark/ghost - It’s a sort of disembodied entity. Doesn’t that count as ghostly?

The Peg Dolls : ghost - Entirely because there is an existing ghost Pokemon that is a doll. And I lack a better option.

The Handbots : steel/poison - Unless your one of the species their medicine is safe for, then I guess it’s just steel.

Tivoli : normal - Nothing really special about them, is there?

The Minotaur : psychic - Because it has to change people’s minds to make them suitable for it to eat. Or was it the ship prison doing that?

Androzani trees : grass/psychic

Solomon’s Robots : steel

The Gunslinger : fighting/steel

The Shakri : dark - Let’s file this under ‘citation needed’.

The Great Intelligence : psychic/ghost - The ghost thing for the same reason as the House and psychic for the intelligence aspect.

The Snowmen : ice

Akhaten : psychic - Well, it eats psychically embedded things in any case.

Ice Warriors : fighting/ice - It’s in the name, isn’t it?

The Crooked Man : normal/dark - That dark typing being entirely appearance based. There are a couple dark Pokemon in which this is the case, so I feel justified with it.

Mr. Sweet : poison

Zygons : psychic/poison or psychic/electric - We come to the first and only DW creature to get an Alola variant. The psychic runs on the same reasoning as Prisoner Zero and the poison coming from the fact that they’ve always had the venom sacs as their primary attack. At least until Peter Harness rolled along and made them have electric abilities for some reason. So this is my compromise on that.

The Robots of Sherwood : steel

The Teller : psychic

Skovox Blitzer : fighting/steel

The Moon : flying/dragon - Literally the only thing we know about that thing is that it flies. Well, that and it’s somehow able to birth an egg that’s bigger than itself immediately after being born itself. Sorry, it did kinda lose me there.

The Mummy : ghost - I mean, it’s a dead guy.

The Boneless : fairy - I guess.

The Overnight Forest : grass/fairy

The Dream Crabs : psychic/dark - Though I think we can debate the dark.

The Fisher King : dark - Because ‘underdeveloped villain’ is not a Pokemon type.

The Mire : fighting

Whatever Leandro is : fire - It breathes fire at one point. Does that count?

The Sandmen : ground - They’re made of sand. I mean, not actual sand, but... it’s close enough????

The Quantum Shade : dark/ghost

The Veil : steel - It was ultimately just a robot, after all.

The Cloister Wraiths : ghost/steel - Haunted robots are rad.

Hydroflax : fighting/steel - The body, not the person.

Harmony Shoal : dark - Kinda didn’t know what else to do with them

Heather : water

The Vardi - steel

The Thames River Monster : ice/dragon

The Dryads : grass/bug

The Monks : psychic/dark - Because, again, ‘underdeveloped villain’ is not a type.

The Eaters of Light : dark - Again, it’s in the name.

Testimony : ghost/fairy

[knownconsortofthedoctor]

Verse Masterlist

So this is a very long post therefore I’ve put it under a readmore. These are my current verses all of which are open to everyone

CANON

[page here]

1st regeneration tag - v: daughter of the silence This is Melody’s life growing up under the care of Dr Renfrew and the Silence. 

2nd regeneration tag - v: going full circle After regenerating in 1969 Melody was taken to Leadworth in 1991. She grew up with foster parents who were very absent. Her best friends were her own parents. Goes up to episode Lets Kill Hitler.

University Verse tag - v: becoming river song This verse follows River when she’s becoming the woman we know. She’s at university studying to be an archaeologist. It’s the first time she’s been free from the Silence.

Professor Verse tag - v: professor river song After being released from prison River went back to university. She became a professor lecturing archaeology. This verse is for both pre and post library. The majority of threads are post library.

Darillium Verse tag - v: twenty-four years Pretty much what it says on the tin, this verse is for River and the Doctor’s time on the planet Darillium.

AUs

[page here]

MOST USED

Stayed Verse tag - v: if she stayed This is AU from ‘The Angels Take Manhattan’ River stayed with the Doctor aboard the TARDIS. They still went to The Pasternoster Gang and stayed there to mourn meaning they met Clara. It means that the plots of the show still go just as they did without River but obviously she’s there too. Open Starters for this verse are here and mostly towards the Doctor.

Returned Verse tag - v: if she returned Following on from 'if she stayed' after River’s twenty-four years with the Doctor she goes to the Library but is very quickly reanimated and brought back to the Doctor. So she travels with him and his companion(s).It means that the plots of the show still go just as they did without River but obviously she’s there too.Open Starters for this verse are here and mostly towards the Doctor.

OTHERS

Mum Verse tag - v: talks with mum or v: mothering river A nice simple verse. My main verse River cannot have children so this verse is for my interactions with OCs (to whom I am very welcome) and also any threads where River discusses having children, is pregnant or has children.

Fobwatched Verse tag - v: fobwatched verse River was as she is in the main!verse, she had gotten out of The Library and for a while The Doctor and she were safe, but then she fell pregnant. The Doctor soon realised that she wouldn’t survive the pregnancy in her current biological standing. They decided that a fobwatch would be the safest outcome. River was meant to be dropped off in Leadworth 2015 and the Doctor would meet her and wake her up, once the pregnancy was over. But something went wrong and she ended up in Victorian England, she doesn’t know where her husband is or who he is, only that he is a good man and will come home soon. She now has a three year old son named Rory and works as a Nanny.

Kovarian’s Verse stockholm syndrome tw tag - v: madame kovarian’s daughter In this verse River did kill the Doctor but she’s not that evil. She just wants to please Madame Kovarian who she has a case of Stockholm Syndrome towards. She is completely dependent on Madame Kovarian and is very defensive if people try to talk against her.

Master’s Verse stockholm syndrome tw, abuse tw tag - v: the year that never was This verse is set in the Year That Never Was, where River is kept as The Master’s prisoner aboard the Valiant. Due to the paradox she sort of lost who she was. River is practically the Master’s pet, she does as he asks when he asks and won’t talk to many other people. She’s been abused by The Master to become this way.

Human Verse tag - v: a human life As the name might suggest River is human in this verse, she doesn’t know the Doctor, she doesn’t know her parents or anything about aliens. She is just an archaeology professor at Oxford University.

Melody Pond Verse tag - v: beloved melody pond This is what would have happened if baby Melody had not been taken by The Silence. She is a normal little girl with Amy and Rory raising her.

Sick Verse tag - v: the doctor’s patient To get out of the Library River was placed in a new body however due to the body being completely new it’s immune system was very weak and soon she found herself unable to go very long without medical help and so she called her Doctor.Now she stays aboard the TARDIS where she is connected to a life support system. She still does archaeological research and writes textbooks instead of going on actual digs. She misses it but knows it’s for the best.

Pond Verse tag - v: melody williams is a superhero This is a very AU verse. Melody didn’t regenerate in New York and turn into Mels, instead she stayed as a very sick little girl looking for her parents and somehow she does finding them in Manhattan.Basically Melody getting the childhood she deserved and Amy and Rory getting to raise her.

SJA Verse tagged - v: sarah jane’s niece Based on this gifset. Knowing where to find Melody the Doctor took her from the Silence, with the help of Jack Harkness and Torchwood, however Melody was still in a lot of danger and so the Doctor felt she was unable to go with Rory and Amy, yet.And so he left her on Sarah Jane’s doorstep with an explanation of what was going on. From then on she stayed with Sarah Jane, Luke and a few years later Skye. She is known as Melody Williams and is known to others to be Sarah Jane’s niece.Amy and Rory are able to visit, and do, as often as they like.

Vault Verse tag - v: stay alive This verse is set in series 10. Instead of Missy in the vault it is River. The Doctor finds a way of saving River and he works out how to do it after reassembling Nardole. He found a way of attaching River’s consciousness and head into the robot that had kept King Hydroflax alive for so long. As it was stated that it was basically built in life support he argued that until he could keep River asleep until a new body had been created.And it worked, almost, River was transferred into the body and it was successful with all memories intact. But she couldn’t sleep, instead she works up periodically and cannot control the robot she has been placed in, that is why she has been placed in the vault. For her own safety, as she has poor health and immune system, and others from the robot.

Sisters Verse (mainly with @madasateacup) tag - v: strength of a sister AU as of Angels Take Manhattan where Amy and Rory didn't get taken back in time and instead continued their life in Leadworth. Soon afterwards they adopted a little girl named Collie. Although originally nervous River soon fell in love with being a big sister. Follows their interactions as Collie grows up.

Doctor Verse tag - v: i am the doctor This AU takes place where 'River' is in the place of the Doctor. She's one of the reincarnations who just decides to call herself River sometimes.

Dark Verse tag - v: dark river As the name might suggest this verse is for a dark version of River. Having gone mad after several brainwashing sessions following the Doctor's 'death' by the Silence River doesn't believe anyone anymore.She killed her way out of Stormcage and now roams the universe bringing havoc and destruction on the people she believes have wronged her.

CROSSOVERS

So I am in a lot of fandoms, chances are if I follow you and you’re not in the DW fandom then yours will be listed here. I always prefer to rp in these verses rather than a crossover verse where there’s lots of confusion.

OUAT tag - v: ouat

HARRY POTTER tag - v: hogwarts

DIVERGENT tag - v: divergent

X-MEN tag - v: mutant xmen

SHIELD/MCU tag - v: shield

THE HUNGER GAMES tag - v: hunger games

PIRATES tag - v: a pirates life for me

VIKINGS tag - v: how to train your dragon

WICKED tag - wicked

LOTR/THE HOBBIT tag - v: elf in middle earth

THE 100 tag- v: the 100

JURASSIC PARK/WORLD tag - v: jurassic world

VAMPIRE tag - v: vampire

POLICE tag - v: di river song

ELEMENTARY (AND OTHER SHERLOCK SHOWS) tag - v: sherlock’s consultant

Z NATION (AND OTHER ZOMBIE SHOWS) tag - v: post z nation

RICK RIORDAN BOOKS tag - v: camp half blood

NEWSIES THE MUSICAL tag - v: seize the day

THE ADDAMS FAMILY tag - v: when you’re an addams

SENSE8  tag - v: last of her cluster

CRIMINAL MINDS tag - v: interpol agent

HOUSE tag - v: house

[the-desolated-quill]

The Husbands Of River Song - Doctor Who blog (Goodbye Sweetie)

(SPOILER WARNING: The following is an in-depth critical analysis. If you haven’t seen this episode yet, you may want to before reading this review)

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!!

Do I have to watch this? I mean Doctor Who Christmas specials have never exactly been the highlight of my year at the best of times. They’re usually weak, flimsy affairs that seem determined to drown you in a tidal wave of slush. But a Christmas special with River Song?!?! Please God no!

I... I honestly don’t know what to say. The Husbands Of River Song is horrendous. It’s god awful. I would much rather have watched my toenails grow than this.

Look. Let’s just cut to the chase. The plot is practically non-existent. An evil cyborg guy has a diamond stuck in his head and the Doctor and River do stuff. That’s basically it. Really it all comes down to two problems. The first is the humour. It’s shit. INCREDIBLY shit. Moffat is once again forcing Peter Capaldi to do this kind of whimsical, wacky humour, and once again it just doesn’t work with this kind of Doctor at all. Scenes like the Doctor pretending to be surprised by the TARDIS being bigger on the inside than the outside just felt forced and cringeworthy.  Equally as unfunny were Greg Davies as the cyborg King Hydroflax and Matt Lucas as Nardole. Neither of them have any good material to work with and are forced to play annoying caricatures, with Davies bellowing his lines like a twit and Lucas just being his usual, obnoxious, over the top self (How in God’s name did he ever get popular?).

The second problem is River. I’m sure I’ve made my views on her quite clear in the past. She’s a poorly written Mary Sue that Moffat constantly tries to put equal to or above the Doctor. She knows the TARDIS better than the Doctor, can steal it without his knowledge and repeatedly claims to be better at his life than he is. All of Moffat’s female characters have been little more than smug, obnoxious plot devices, and River is by far the worst offender. And since this is her final story (please God let this be her final story), I can’t help but feel both angry and disappointed with how her character has turned out. There was the seed of a good idea way back in the Silence In The Library two parter, but that has long since been ruined thanks to Moffat’s own humungous ego and sheer bloody incompetence as a writer and showrunner.

One thing I seriously cannot wrap my head around is why in God’s name would the Doctor be attracted to River. Just look at what happens in this very episode. She marries Hydroflax for the diamond in his head and then plans to murder and decapitate him. Then rather than return the diamond to the natives it belongs to, she plans to sell it to more evil people for a profit. What exactly is attractive about any of this? The Doctor would never go for someone like her in a million years. It’s a bit hard to shed a tear at the oh so emotional ending when you’re too busy hating River’s guts and questioning the Doctor’s sanity. It would have been more believable if the Doctor had taken a fucking Dalek to the Singing Towers.

There could have been an opportunity to explore River’s character by using Hydroflax’s robot body that absorbs all the heads of her multiple husbands to confront her with her actions and deceit, but Moffat never takes it because, in his eyes, River hasn’t done anything wrong. He clearly sees her as this kind of swashbuckling, Indiana Jones/femme fatale figure, whereas in reality she’s a cold blooded murderer, a thief and a liar. And Moffat tries to disguise this fact with River’s talk about how she never loved the Doctor and was just using him like she did with all the other men in her life before revealing the truth, that she really does love the Doctor, and creating this aura of ‘oh she was a good person all along,’ expecting us to forget all about the horrible bullshit she pulled earlier. Oh, and then Moffat has the fucking audacity to imply that what she did was no worse than what the Doctor would have done. Get fucked!

I’m sorry, but I honestly don’t know what else I can possibly say about this episode. I’ve pretty much talked about all this shit before in previous River stories. The plot is vapid and titanically dull, the humour is forced and painfully unfunny, Peter Capaldi and Alex Kingston have zero chemistry and have practically nothing to work with here. There’s just no meat to this story whatsoever. In fact I can quite honestly say that The Husbands Of River Song is the worst Christmas special Moffat has ever written and indeed the worst Christmas special this show has ever produced.

[regalpotato]

Listen, I know the ‘Whole Again at Last’ soundtrack title probably refers to Hydroflax and his robot body being in the same room again, BUT I WILL TAKE THE BELIEF IT MEANS ‘RIVER AND THE DOCTOR BEING TOGETHER AGAIN’ TO MY GRAVE

[thenotoriousscuttlecliff]

Moffat Era Rewatch: The Husbands of River Song

River Song needs help from her husband to murder her husband, except she doesn’t know he’s her husband...

Warning: Spoilers Sweetie 

This is my favourite festive special after ‘A Christmas Carol’. 

I think we can all agree that Twelve makes the best signs. 

Nardole. I can say with certainty that I am not a member of the Nardole fanclub. I don’t detest him, but feel he’s not as funny as the show clearly thinks he is and was an unnecessary addition to season ten.  

Love how they got the biggest hood they could find to hide Alex’s enormous hair. 

This is the face of someone who knows they are going to get lucky tonight. 

“RIVVVVAAAHHH!!!” He’s just so happy to see her. Assuming ‘The Name of the Doctor’ was the last time they were together, it’s been close to a thousands years since he last saw her. 

“How do you know me?” “Well, it's a tiny bit complicated. People usually need a flowchart.” Having River not know that Twelve is the Doctor is one of the best ideas Moffat has ever had. 

First and only time Alex Kingston’s name has been in the opening titles.

“Yes, that's who you're married to? Not anybody else?” Aww, he’s so jealous.  

“You have given me days of adventure and many nights of passion.” I’m not at all surprised to discover that River had sex with a giant robot body. 

Twelve’s reaction is priceless. This is the best episode for Capaldi reaction faces.  

“There's something in his brain.” “You could have fooled me.”

“I basically married the diamond.” Do we count the diamond as one of her husbands?       

“You're talking about murdering someone.” "No, I'm not. I'm actually murdering someone.” 

Her second wife. Who was the first? 

Sonic trowel. Brian would be so proud. 

“We're being threatened by a bag! By a head in a bag!” He’s having so much fun right now. After what he just went through he deserves this. 

I’m always amazed by how Alex has instant chemistry with whoever is playing the Doctor. This is the only time she and Peter have worked together on the show and yet it feels like they’ve been doing this forever. 

Jealous Twelve is the best Twelve. 

Damsel!

That look when you realise your wife has been going behind your back with your wife. 

“Oh. My, God!” This is probably Peter Capaldi’s finest moment as the Doctor. 

“My entire understanding of physical space has been transformed! Three-dimensional Euclidean geometry has been torn up, thrown in the air and snogged to death! My grasp of the universal constants of physical reality has been changed forever.  Sorry. I've always wanted to see that done properly.”  

Not only has she been stealing his TARDIS she’s installed a drinks cabinet! 

He still can’t accept that River is a better driver than he is. 

“You're very quick.” "Yes. For a Doctor.” “Yes.” “Seriously?” Like I said, this is the best episode of Capaldi reaction faces.    

“Does sarcasm help?” "Wouldn't it be a great universe if it did?”

“Is the gentleman here for dinner?” "Yes, he is.” "Excellent! I'll have the chef prepare him immediately.”

Only the Twelfth Doctor could look at River in that dress like this. 

“The man who gave me this was the sort of man who'd know exactly how long a diary you were going to need.” *shipper tears*

“We honour thee, we prostrate ourselves in your name, Hydroflax.” Awkward. 

I think River’s just met wife number three. 

How dare he read her diary. 

“And you've just been to Manhattan.”  *heart breaks all over again*

“The Doctor does not and has never loved me. I'm not lying.” “Confirmed. The life form is not lying.” *shipper agony* 

“When you love the Doctor, it's like loving the stars themselves. You don't expect a sunset to admire you back. And if I happen to find myself in danger, let me tell you, the Doctor is not stupid enough, or sentimental enough, and he is certainly not in love enough to find himself standing in it with me!” This is mixture of strategy and confession. She telling them all this because she needs to keep them distracted until the escape plan kicks in, but part of her really wants to get all of this off her chest and what better time than when surrounded by strangers who are all going to be dead in a few minutes. 

“Hello, sweetie.” *shipper happy crying*

“How could you know?” "I'm an archaeologist from the future. I dug you up.”

“What do you think, by the way?” "Of what?” “My new body.” "Oh, I'll let you know. I've only seen the face.”

“He had a bad day on the market....sorry, I appreciate that wasn't very funny, but I couldn't help saying it.”

River married Stephen Fry?

So was Cleo wife number one or two? 

“That's Darillium!” *shipper so not ready for this*

“This is my job!” "I've been doing it longer.” "I do it better.” That is true.    

“River, not one person on this ship, not one living thing, is worth you.” “Or you.” *shipper can’t handle these emotions* 

It wasn’t enough to just take her there, he made sure they built a restaurant right there, with a great view and made sure he got the best table in the house. 

“Now that, my dear, is a suit.” That’s because it has a tie and we know River loves ties. 

The sonic!!! 

He’s scanning her brain! He’s saving her! *shipper heart shattering* 

They finally made it to the Singing Towers. 

“Spoilers” That word has never been said with more heartbreak. 

“Every night is the last night for something. Every Christmas is the last Christmas.”   

“No, Doctor, you're wrong. Happy ever after doesn't mean forever. It just means time. A little time. But that's not the sort of thing you could ever understand, is it?” 

“They've been there for millions of years, through storms and floods and wars and time. Nobody really understands where the music comes from. It's probably something to do with the precise positions, the distance between both towers. Even the locals aren't sure. All anyone will ever tell you is that when the wind stands fair and the night is perfect, when you least expect it but always when you need it the most there is a song.” *shipper blubbering*

24 years!!!

“I hate you.” "No, you don't.”

If Chibnall hadn’t been tied up with Broadchurch, this would’ve been how Moffat’s tenure as sowrunner ended and I honestly can’t think of a more perfect ending than this, bringing the Doctor and River’s story full circle in the most beautiful way possible.

Next Time: The Return of Doctor Mysterio

[sonickedtrowel]

Long ask anon here again, hi. I just noticed you'd responded lol. And I'll get to that when I have time because please rant more, it fills my soul someone else agrees with me lol. But. Just had a thought - how do we know know River wasn't lying (honestly don't remember if this is explicitly answered, so this is a legit question)? I mean. We know she has to be a good liar. And the robot body hadn't been able to detect her lying before (bc she was lying to Hydroflax). It didn't scan her (no typical noise/lights/etc) - or even if it did and they gave no typical indication it had, unless it could literally read minds (which, again, it obviously couldn't bc it didn't know before), the typical markers for humans lying can be overcome by excellent liars (and since it was a tense situation, heck, some already had to been going on - like elevated heartbeat). It had Nardole and Ramone's heads in it, which maybe it was reading from their thoughts since they were directly connected, but that's biased information that's not from River. She's gonna lie to Ramone, if she ever brought the Doctor up as her husband. And Nardole... If he even got to hear stories, he's forming a third person perspective of someone who wasn't there (because people could always Tell - Lux and Donna did, Amy did, Rory was skeptical but, to be fair, he was a cautious guy that didn't jump to conclusions except when it came to him thinking Amy and 11 were Together). 12 reacting poorly to it (which he did) could just be a bit of self reflection bc he knows he's treated her poorly before.

Hey again anon! sorry for the late answer on this, I had to remember what we were talking about lol.  But yeah.  I think she definitely could fool a lie detector, but that the intention in the scene is for her to not be lying.  But do I think there’s ANY precedent in the show for that prior to that episode?  Nah.  Not one little tiny bit no.  The way I’ve chosen to work with it in fic and reconcile it in my head is that Manhattan being a big blow up for them made her second-guess everything, bc that’s a hell of a lot better than retroactively implying she felt like that for their whole relationship, when we NEVER EVER EVER saw that before.  But we also didn’t see the fallout from Manhattan or at least in a way that we knew that’s what it was, so.... it kinda sucks either way ngl! 

[cupcakeshakesnake]

Watching The Husbands of River Song for the first time

(When I started writing the post I messed up my typing and the title said “Watchgin the Husnabds of REierv Sogn for the fitrst time”)

-Oh dear, one episode closer to catching up to the show, and one step clser to a yet unknown source of heartbreak.

tf is this flying dish

Wait, they’re celebrating Christmas in 5343?

-Wow Jesus looks like you’ve really outdone yourself

-TARDIS

-TARDEEEEHS

Why is the music all doom-y and scary like this is something bad That is the best note ever

-HEEEEyyyyy it’s the bald guy from the Series 10 trailer!!

-He looks like he’d be a mouse or a hamster if he was an animal

“Is there anything on my head?”

-YES THERE IS

-OH GOSH

IT’S CONTAGIOUS

-I MUST RUN BEFORE RED CHRISTMAS RUDOLPH ANTLERS SPROUT UP ON MY HEAD

-well hello alien santa under the hood

-RIVEEEEEEER

-WTF

-WHAT THE FAAAAAAAAQ

-wait why is she so pissed-- OHHHHHH

-IT’S BEFORE SHE wait hold on a minute

-This is the first time she’s seeing his twelfth incarnation in-show, yes? No?

-*checks Wikipedia* Yes I’m right but...

-I think I’ll have to watch more before jumping to conclusions

-By the way, this.

A time travelling alien as old as time and also a fluffy grinning cat.

-”My husband is dying.”  Doctor: wtf is going on am i about to cross my own timestream or what

-”wtf river”

-Ah yes, flurry snow in the middle of a bajillion cogwheels, brilliant intro.

-Oh shit it’s Moffat

-Poor Twelve must be confused so much.

-River looks like she’s faking though. She’s not the kind of person who coos at people like that.

(unfortunately I could not find a stock photo of a cat looking exactly like this. pity.)

-No, seriously. Look at this cate.

-Anyway who the fuck is that guy in that disproportionately large armor, like, where in the actual sarlacc butthole did he come from

-River Song’s Drama has increased by 100!

-uhhh lemme see I think that’s a mix of Megaman, the old Transformers cartoon and ahh what’s that one videogame I swear there are videogames with people wearing hulky armor like that

-DAMN TWELVE DROPPIN IT

-I don’t even

-I don’t even know what I’m watching

-And yet there’s this lingering fear in the back of my mind that’s still scared of the text “Written by Steven Moffat”

-Wait, if she’s talking to the people in the little screens and they react accordingly to her gestures, then it means they’re watching her too, but where’s the camera?

-Doctor: “the fuck”

-”Do you recognize me?”  “No”  So the Doctor said no because of something unrelated but I swear a part of him just wanted to get back at River

-HE’S WHITE DIAMOND, GEMS HAVE GENDER, WHITE DIAMOND CONFIR-- nevermind wrong show

-”You’re talking about murdering someone!”  “No I’m not, I’m actually murdering someone.”

-”Do you know who you remind me of?”   “Yes, probably of a chap with a big-” (he means big chin, don’t get any ideas)   “My second wife!”

-The dialogue is top notch in this episode

-Oh no, it’s the robot king who doesn’t look like he can eat his enemies very efficiently and his legion of...

...sword-wielding Jawas.

-Heck, they even sound like Jawas.

-what the effing head

-”I wondered why we didn’t share a bathroom”

-Well for me it explains the nonsense body proportions

-”Decision overruled. Recommendation: Chill.”

-I love how the robot suit says “Chill”, it’s just so.. chill. It’s actually chilling out. It’s the chillest robot in robot history.

I have paused at just the right moment

They’re nerding out together

-Aw the Doctor’s laughing

-He’s having so much fun

-”I haven’t laughed in a long, long time.”  There. All the more merrier because of that.

-Oh god

-Okay how many people are River Song gonna hang around with in this episode

-”He only has twelve faces” OHHHHH BECAUSE RIVER DOESN’T KNOW THAT THE TIMELORDS GAVE HIM A NEW REGENERATION CYCLE DOES SHE

‘Little do they know the BBC wanted to continue the show for another fifty years.’

-noooo not the bald guy nuuuuu

-What a cynical robot

-DOCTOR JUST TELL HER THAT IT’S YOUR TARDIS

-Poor Doc

-”Oh yeah I’m SURE I’ll get SOOOO surprised”

-”It’s my girl.”

-The sarcasm is strong with this one.

-”Oh it’s BIGGER on the INSIDE how SURPRISING because I’ve NEVER seen one beFORE”

I’M DYING ASDGSDJSA;;

-”Wait, my Tardis had a fridge?”

-Sooooo when River was with Eleven she was the better driver (in terms of comfort; no offense to Eleven’s Timelording skills in general) but now Twelve is probably the calmest drver so far and River’s, well... not so much.

-”Of course I’m NOT getting frustrated by you doing everything wrong and trying to give you instructions because it’s CLEARLY not my Tardis how can you even SUGGEST such a thing”

-”Yes thank you I am a quick learner and NOTHING else, NOTHING like I’ve flown this Tardis countless times before”

-So if the Tardis can’t take off while someone’s both in and out, then this wouldn’t work, huh.

(From one of the Bunny Suicides books)

-”What sort of medical school did you go to?”

-A king does not unnecessarily endanger the lives of his people... Unless he is cross.

-LOGIC

-OH SHIT THAT GUY’S HEAD GOT CHOPPED OFF TOO

-”Death initiated.”

-The fuck kind of Star Wars cantina did they walk into

-”They’re still digesting their mother.”

-”--I will rip you open and devour you--”    “It’s my stomach.”

-Even the guy whose wife got eaten by his kids is going ‘wtf’

-The fuck kind of CGI was that

-”This is where genocide comes to kick back and relax.”    Oh boy, that’s gonna get on the Doctor’s nerves.

-”Why are you frowning?”   “How’d you know?”   “It’s audible.”

-”The man who gave me this was the sort of man who’d know exaclty how a long a diary you’re going to need.”  “Oh yeah that’s definitely not me”

-I SAW THAT EYEBROW RAISE, RIVER SONG, YOU CHEEKY LITTLE TIME TRAVELLER

-Annnnd River’s supposed to be paid by a Voldemort with a nose.

-WHAT THE FUCK HIS HEAD OPENS UP

-JEEZ!

-YOU HAVE A JAWBREAKER IN YOUR HEAD??!?

-OH MY FUCKING GOD EVERYONE HAS CRACKED UP HEADS

-For some reason, Credits seems to be the common term for whatever currency is used vaguely in scifi universes. They have Credits in Star Wars too!

-Whoever is playing that pale guy is going to have a royally sore throat by the end of the episode.

-”Hail Hydra”

-You should probably just give him the head...

-To be fair you crackhead guys did creep them out

-The thing.

-Did the head just run away or something, why are the Doctor and River so uneasy, do they really just don’t want to witness a brain surgery or am I missing something here

-Dang it Doctor.

-”The skyyyy shall crrrrrack”

-Well the head is there...

-what. the. fuck. is. happening.

-”At last I am whole again”  Well I wouldn’t really call it whole if your body’s a robot but...

-Okay.... that happened.

-*hastily muffled Steven Universy screeching*

-SCREW YOU CATFISH BUG MAN

-Why do his eyebrows make a squeak sound

-”A picnic at Asgard...”  MARVEL/DOCTOR WHO CROSSOVER CONFI-- nevermind

-jesus christ why is that guy so intent on reading River’s diary out loud

-’The Angels Take Manhattan’ was three seasons ago. And yes, that episode was written by Moffat too.

-”An infinite number of faces”   Well, I wouldn’t say it’s infinite per se...

-Besides, if there’s only the head left, wouldn’t that kind of hinder the regeneration, if not stop it altogether?

-Wait, since when was the robot the king and not the head?

-I don’t like the catfish bug guy with the French mustache. In fact, I am liking him less and less by the second.

-WHOA WAIT THAT ROBOT COULD STORE MULTIPLE HEADS IN IT? I THOUGHT IT JUST TOOK ONE OFF AND PUT ON ANOTHER

-Dammit River why would you want to hurt him like that HE IS RIGHT THERE  ;_;

-;_;

-*CRYING EMOJI INTENSIFIES*

-”Two hearts, stupid clothes--”  Well the latter changed a bit.

-MOFFAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT

-DAMMIT MOFFAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT

-HE IS RIGHT THERE

-DAMMIT MOFFAT

FUCK YOU MOFFAT

-TAKE MY HEART AND RIP IT APART SOME MORE WHY DON’T YOU

-”I’m an archaeologist from the future.  I dug you up.”

-DAMN

-”What do you think of my new body”  “I’ll let you know, I’ve only seen the face”  Okay it’s either me or Moffat that isn’t aware that this is a family show.

-She caught it in her f-cking boobs

-HER BOOBS

-FAMILY SHOW

-”FAMILY SHOW”

-”So, King Hydroflax?”  (idk how tf it’s spelled)  “I married the diamond!”  (”wE ARE THE CRYSTAL--””SHUT UP!!”)  “So you say.”  “Elizabeth the First.”  “Ramone.”  “Marilyn Monroe!”  “Stephen Fry!”  “Cleopatra!”  “Same thing!”

-IF YOU HAVEN’T GUESSED ALREADY, I’M DYING

Glowing cables.

-”Crashing spaceships, that’s my job.”  I feel like I should write a sentence that rhymes with this, but unfortunately I can’t.

-OH THE TOP PART OF HIS SCREWDRIVER ROTATES

-”I’ve been doing it longer!”  “I do it better!”  Like how you drive the Tardis, for example.  (I can also see the above dialogue used in a very, very, wrong, scenario, but I’ll just keep quiet and hope that it wasn’t Moffat’s intention.)

-river u ok?

-k

Looks like one of those audio equipment machines.

-Reminds me of the ‘Profit’ memes.

-1. Crash ship  2. Look outside  3. FIRE  4. Nope the fuck outta there and travel forward in time  5. ??  6. Profit

-1. Visit some yet-to-be tour spot  2. Give money to a random guy and tell him to set up a restaurant  3. Travel forward in time  4. ???  5. Profit

-River why aren’t you closing the Tardis door

-THE GOD DAMN BOT

-Oh look Nardole’s alive too

-”Now that, my dear, is a suit.”  Gotta agree.

HOLE-LEE SHEE-EHT

-THAT’S THE SCREWDRIVER FROM ‘SILENCE IN THE LIBRARY’

-THAT WAS SEASON FOUR

-MOFFAT

-YOU’VE CONSTRUCTED A PLOT STRING THAT SPANS FIVE SEASONS YOU BIG ASSHOLE GENIUS SPIDER

(Screencap of webpage http://www.chakoteya.net/DoctorWho/30-9.htm)

-HOLY FLUKES HOW DARE YOU

-”Are you crying?”

-i-- yes yes i am  blame moffat not me

-”There are stories about us, you know.”  “Oh, I dread to think.”  Been looking around AO3, have you River?

-m o f f a t   y o u   m o t h e r f u c k e r

-asdflsdhglljfhslhHSAHG

-ASJDAFLHGLASDJHGFALSDF

-sglsdhgflWEGyglhsghsgFLH;;1 LDG lJHGJLHAGLJhglhgljhglhHS DFHS5134 GLHFGLSDHFGh 454123gshdHFJHgjGSJDFL

-$^B&C%TB#%*&#BWKUWURH#$VB&*#B*:#V:B&*$&*B#&VBBBEYBYEBYFF

Moffat you deceitful fuck, I won’t trust you until the very end

-But thank you for sparing us from saying goodbye to her face

You forgot to say ‘forever’

-Please just let them stay together happily for those 24 years

HA I spelled it right

-Overall one of the best Christmas specials in my personal opinion, and top-notch acting by Capaldi. Really, top, notch.

[tindogpodcast]

TDP 634: Doctor Who - The Return of Doctor Mysterio

"The Return of Doctor Mysterio" is an episode of the British science fiction television series Doctor Who. First broadcast on BBC One on 25 December 2016, it is the twelfth Christmas special since the show's revival in 2005. It is written by Steven Moffat and directed by Ed Bazalgette. The episode stars Peter Capaldi as the Twelfth Doctor and Matt Lucas as Nardole, the latter reprising his role from the preceding episode, "The Husbands of River Song". The episode is set in New York City, and involves the Doctor and Nardole linking with journalist Lucy Fletcher (Charity Wakefield) and a superhero called The Ghost (Justin Chatwin) to combat brain-swapping aliens. The episode received generally positive reviews from critics. Contents [hide] 1 Plot 1.1 Continuity 1.2 Outside references 2 Promotion 3 Broadcast 3.1 Cinemas 4 Reception 4.1 Critical reception 5 Home media 6 References 7 External links Plot[edit] In New York City on Christmas Eve of 1992, an 8-year-old boy named Grant wakes to find the Doctor dangling outside the window of his family's apartment, and helps him come into his bedroom. Taking the boy to the rooftop, the Doctor reveals he accidentally set off a trap for a device he was building, and enlists him to help complete it. However Grant mistakenly swallows a wish-granting gemstone needed for the device, believing it to be medicine, effectively being granted his wish to be a superhero. Abandoning the device, the Doctor makes Grant promise to not use his new superpowers before he leaves. Returning to New York in 2016 with Nardole, whom he rebuilt from Hydroflax's body, the Doctor conducts an investigation into Harmony Shoals, a multinational research company, discovering a news reporter named Lucy Fletcher performing a similar investigation. The group discover that it is being secretly run by a group of living alien brains that transplant themselves into any living creature they need for their plans, killing the company's owner, Mr Brock, for his body. Tracked down by Dr Sims, an employee the brains already took over, the group suddenly are rescued by a masked superhero named the Ghost, who transports Lucy close to her home. Returning to her apartment before her, Ghost transforms back into Grant, who works for Lucy as a nanny, only to be shocked to find the Doctor and Nardole waiting for him, having tracked him down via the gemstone fused to him. When Lucy returns and sees the Time Lord, the Doctor reveals to her that the alien brains colonise planets by taking control of their prominent leaders, with Earth being their next target. Leaving Lucy to prepare for an interview with Grant's alter ego, the Doctor and Nardole track down the alien's ship in a low orbit and board it via the TARDIS. On board, they discover that the ship's reactor is in a critical state, and realise from Dr Sims that he intends to drop it on New York. Remembering an observation made by Nardole, the Doctor realises the city would be vaporised except for the Harmony Shoals building, and that the world leaders would take shelter in the company's other buildings within each capital city on the belief that Earth was under attack, effectively allowing the brains to take them over. After Dr Sims lets slip the ship is to be dropped at a designated time, the Doctor reprogrammes it to begin descending ahead of schedule. Attending his interview, Grant and Lucy become captured by the brains who intend to transplant themselves into Ghost's body. Breaking free and secretly returning as himself, Grant picks up a message from the Doctor requesting his help to stop the alien's ship from crashing into the city after being unable to change its course during its descent. Revealing himself as the Ghost to Lucy in stopping the ship on the rooftop, Grant finally manages to win her over and takes her in tow as he disposes of the ship, while the Doctor alerts UNIT, who subsequently shut down Harmony Shoals, unaware that the alien brain in Dr Sims has escaped within one of their soldiers. Back at Lucy's apartment, Grant informs the Doctor he will no longer use his powers, though as the Time Lord leaves, Lucy asks him why he is sad. Not giving a straight answer as he leaves, Nardole reveals he is still mourning the loss of River Song but will hopefully recover, leaving with the Doctor to aid him further. Continuity[edit] At the beginning of the episode, the Doctor is constructing a device to reverse the paradoxes created during his previous visit in "The Angels Take Manhattan".[1][2] The Doctor mentions that he usually gets "an invasion" every Christmas, a reference to the different invasions of Earth taking place during most Doctor Who Christmas specials.[3] The unnamed brain-swapping aliens last appeared in the 2015 Christmas special "The Husbands of River Song", where they were servants of King Hydroflax. Their main agent, Scratch, stated that they represented "the Shoal of the Winter Harmony."[2] The Doctor tells Lucy that he works for Scotland Yard, which he also did in "The Woman Who Lived". Previously, the Tenth Doctor told the guests at Lady Eddison's manor he was a chief inspector from Scotland Yard in "The Unicorn and the Wasp, while the Eleventh Doctor told President Richard Nixon he was an undercover operative from Scotland Yard (code-named "The Doctor") in "The Impossible Astronaut".[2] A movie theater across from Lucy's apartment features a film called The Mind of Evil, the name of a Third Doctor serial.[4] Nardole mentions that the Doctor cut him out of Hydroflax's body, referring to off-screen events following the "The Husbands of River Song" where he was decapitated and his head was placed inside the artificially intelligent robotic body of King Hydroflax.[5] When the Doctor complains that Grant promised him never to use his powers, Nardole brings up the Time Lord policy of never interfering with other peoples or cultures, first mentioned in the Second Doctor serial The War Games.[4] When clearing out the headquarters of Harmony Shoal, a UNIT officer prepares to contact Osgood, referring to Petronella Osgood who previously appeared in "The Day of the Doctor", "Death in Heaven" and "The Zygon Invasion" / "The Zygon Inversion".[3] Both the Doctor and Nardole refer to the final 24-year night the Doctor spent with River Song ("The Husbands of River Song") and her eventual death in the Library ("Forest of the Dead").[2] Outside references[edit] The character of "The Ghost" is a pastiche of the comic book superhero Superman, with several references to the character being made throughout the special: Superman's creators, Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster, are referenced when Mr Brock suggests to the gathered reports to direct further questions to ""Miss Shuster and Ms. Siegel".[6] Grant has roughly the same standard powers of Superman, including flight, super-strength, super-speed, being bulletproof, and possessing X-ray vision,[7] along with other unconventional powers.[1][7] He gains his power from a stellar-powered object (a gemstone made from a star, in the episode), much as Superman gains his from Earth's yellow sun.[1][7] The Harmony Shoals building in New York featured in the episode has a large globe on top of it, making it resemble the Daily Planet building, a major setting of Superman stories.[1] Grant prefers being called "mild-mannered", as Superman's alter ego is often characterized. He also follows the same moral code as Superman when operating as the Ghost,[7] and transforms in a similar fashion by tearing open his shirt to reveal his superhero costume underneath.[1] The special features a number of elements that mimic those from Richard Donner's Superman: The Movie. One scene involves the Ghost voicing his hope that Lucy's close call at Harmony Shoal hasn't put her off journalism, paralleling the same scene in the film in which Superman hopes Lois is not put off from flying after he rescues her from falling out of a helicopter.[7] Lucy also conducts a rooftop interview with the Ghost reminiscent of Lois' interview with Superman in the film.[8] Lucy Fletcher is named after Lois Lane's sister Lucy.[1] Her character is similar to Lois' in that she does not realize that her old high school friend and current nanny is the superhero Ghost.[5] The initials "L.L." used by several characters of the Superman comics (Lois Lane, Lana Lang, Lex Luthor, Linda Lee) is used in Lucy's married name: Lucy Lombard.[1] Several characters from Marvel Comics line the walls of the young Grant's bedroom.[1] The Doctor questions Spider-Man's unusual origin of being bitten by a radioactive spider; he opines that radiation poisoning would be the likely result.[1] A "Joe's Pizza" is shown within the city, which is where Peter Parker worked at briefly in the movie Spider-Man 2.[2] The Doctor counsels Grant that "with great power comes great responsibility," an adage associated with Spider-Man.[7] Batman is briefly referenced after the Ghost drops Lucy off at her apartment building. When the baby monitor he is carrying goes off, Lucy mistakes it for a signal device and asks if the Bat-Signal is now an app.[1] The Doctor uses the viral mobile game Pokémon Go to create a distraction at Harmony Shoal's Tokyo headquarters.[9][10] Promotion[edit] The episode was revealed and the first trailer was shown at the 2016 New York Comic Con on 7 October 2016.[11] A preview clip was shown as part of the Children in Need broadcast on 18 November 2016.[12] Broadcast[edit] Cinemas[edit] The episode will receive cinema screenings in Australia and New Zealand on 26 December 2016,[13][14] in Canada on 26 and 28 December 2016,[15] and in the United States on 27 and 29 December 2016.[16] Reception[edit] The episode had an official rating of 7.83 million viewers in the UK, making it the 6th most watched show on Christmas Day 2016.[17] The overnight rating was 5.68 million, a share of 27.1% of the total TV audience.[18] The episode received an Appreciation Index score of 82.[19] It also received 1.7 million viewers on BBCA, was BBC America's top telecast of the year across all key demographics, and was the most talked about Christmas day television program on Facebook and Twitter.[20] Critical reception[edit] The Telegraph gave a positive review of five out of five stars and summarized that the episode was "a romp with a classic feel and cross-generational appeal".[9] Andrew Billen writing in The Times gave the programme four stars out of a possible five. Billen said that Capaldi was at his warmest and that Nardole (Matt Lucas) "added panto brio to an already exuberant episode".[21] The Guardian gave a positive review of The Return of Doctor Mysterio saying "Capaldi takes Manhattan!" ... "Cosmic baddies are inserting alien brains into world leaders’ heads in the Christmas special. It’s timely, top-of-the-tree fun – and Peter Capaldi and Matt Lucas are a pantomime treat".[22] IGN said "“The Return of Doctor Mysterio” is a pretty lightweight entry in the Twelfth Doctor’s oeuvre, which considering the events of last season isn’t necessarily a bad thing. But the different elements of the episode don’t come together as smoothly as they could, and the emotional through line for the Doctor is treated mostly as an afterthought" but gave it 7/10.[23] A.V. Club gave a mixed review saying that "Doctor Who takes a jolly detour to superhero goofiness".[24]

A new Tin Dog Podcast