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madsworld15 · 9 months ago

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Been doing a lot of thinking these last few days. Read: I’ve been doom spiraling, and when I do that, my brain thinks about Ryan Kelley.

TL;DR: One fan's bond with the actor Ryan Kelley.

My friends, and Twitter followers know the story but I want to write it out here so I can always go back to it when I’m feeling down on myself.

I first met Ryan Kelley at HowlerCon in NJ in 2015. That year it was my first ever con so I was beside myself anxious. However, I got a photo op with Ryan because I’d loved him for years, since he was in Prayers for Bobby. That photo op didn’t turn out well, but I was proud of myself for actually doing it. That whole weekend I barely said ten words to him.

So, 7 months later in June 2016, when I saw him again at HowlerCon, I really expected Ryan to not recognize me at all. Instead, he grinned really big and said he was so happy to see me come back. He asked me for my name and smiled really big as he repeated it back to me. I had a meet and greet with him later that day, so we parted ways.

At the meet and greet, I was given the opportunity to ask a question. I asked him how hard it was to get into character for Bobby considering how morose the character always was and what ultimately happened to him. Ryan was so generous with his response and seemed genuinely happy someone had asked him about this movie.

At the end of the meet and greet I approached him directly and asked him if I could hand him something I had written for him. He told me sure, and I scrambled in my bag to find the letter. As I handed it to him, I conveyed that I was grateful he answered my question about Prayers for Bobby since it was such an important film for me. He returned the sentiment saying it was one of the most important roles he has ever done.

Later on that night, there was a party where the cast and fans could dance together and have a good time. I went, despite my anxiety, and I ended up finding Ryan on the edge of the crowd just watching. I was about to leave myself, having already used up all my social spoons, but a part of me told me I should go and talk to him. So I did. We ended up having a wonderful conversation about observing the world around us and about being from big families. He talked a bit about how his parents adopted a ton of kids, and I talked about how I had been adopted myself. Something shifted between us that day, and whatever the cause, I'm grateful it did.

The next day at his autograph session, he asked me if I was feeling better today. Then he held my hand as he signed for me, and I explained that I had anxiety which sometimes got in the way of me enjoying things. For the first time ever, Ryan wrote me a message on the image he signed for me, and he thanked me for coming.

HowlerCon convened again in June 2017, which was billed as being the last one. It made sense, considering that, at the time, the show was coming to a close. When they had announced their guests for that final year I kept waiting and waiting for them to announce Ryan's name. He was a staple for the con. So I knew he'd be attending, but as more and more got announced, I was certain he wasn't going to make it. But then, on April 21st, the con announced he was one of their Bonus Guests. I didn't see the announcement initially, but one of my con friends tagged me in a tweet response, saying they just knew I would be beside myself with that announcement.

I was excited, but then a confluence of events happened in my personal life that pushed that con completely from my mind until a few weeks before it was scheduled to happen. I bought all the photo ops with Ryan I could afford (resulting in a total of 3 different poses) and an autograph ticket along with a ticket to his meet and greet.

That year, I was excited and sad all at the same time. Ryan and I had many opportunities to talk and joke. His presence was a balm that I desperately needed at that time, considering the insanity of my life. He never once judged me for things I said or did, even if I bet more money than I should on an auction for a bobblehead of his character. When I didn't win the bobblehead, he asked his handler to come find me in the crowd and come up to him. He then hugged me and told me he appreciated the support I always showed him.

That year, I asked Ryan to write out the words: Be Your Own Anchor so that I could get them tattooed on me for my birthday. (A few months after this con, I did just that.) He joked that he wasn't a fan of tattoos himself, but if that was what I wanted, he would do it. Since I had two autograph tickets, Ryan also signed our photo op and wrote me the following message:

So glad I got to spend this weekend with you. XOXO (his signature)

Then, over the next couple of years, I would post something on Instagram related to him or Parrish and tag him, and he would like the post or comment in some way. I even remember sending him a message on Instagram during one of my low grief periods after my Pop died and when my Nana was dying of cancer. He responded and basically told me that I mattered and I wasn't a nobody.

Then came the COVID-19 lockdown. I had an excess of money because I was getting the government stipend while also being on unemployment because daycares weren't able to open during that time. So, when an auction came up to have a 15-minute Zoom call with Ryan, I leaped at the chance and won the auction.

When he came on the screen, he told me. "Let me ask you questions since I'm sure you don't have any for me." So, our conversation centered on my job -- which at the time was working for daycare and my TV critic side gig. He was very interested in my TV critic gig and I admitted to him that I reviewed his Christmas movie. He asked me who paid me to watch it.

All in all, it was a great time, and then the next day, the organizers of the event asked me for my Twitter handle. I assumed it was for promotional reasons, so I gave it to them. The next day I was driving home from work and had pulled over to get gas when I saw I had a notification that Ryan Kelley had followed me. Then a few moments later, he sent me a message letting me know that my positive attitude about the stuff we were going through really inspired him, and he was grateful that we got the chance to connect again.

I didn't talk to Ryan much over the next few years, an occasional message back and forth on Instagram or Twitter, but nothing major. Then Howler Reunion happened in June 2022, and I realized there were some things I had to tell Ryan. For one, in the time since we had last spoken I had come out to the world as non-binary and had changed my name. I knew he would be very gracious about it all, but still, I worried.

It came to the day of my duo photo op with Ryan Kelley and Linden Ashby. I had decided I would come out to both of them because my bond with Linden had always been like he was a father to me. So, I wore my Asexual pride shirt and my non-binary colored flannel and hoped for the best. My dear friend Lori, who helped run the con, went with me for moral support.

I don't remember exactly what I said to them, but I do remember that I told them afterward that this photo op was a "Pride" one so they could act proud of me. Linden reassured me that there was no acting necessary because he was proud of me. Ryan just squeezed me close to him in a side hug. Seeing the photo result, I am forever grateful that I chose to come out to Ryan because the way he looks at me in this photo is hard to describe, but gives me so much comfort to this day.

The rest of the weekend went by in a blur. I do remember at my individual photo op with Ryan he asked me to explain the reasoning behind my new name. He said he had always been able to remember my old name because it was the same as his mom's and that I reminded him of her in personality and my kind nature. (cue the tears seriously) I explained to him the history behind my adopted name and how I wanted to keep a piece of that even with a more gender-neutral name so I had shortened my middle name to what is now my first. I then explained to him that it was so wonderful hearing him say my new name out loud because I felt like he was an extension of my family and that no one in my immediate family had been willing to use it yet, at least not at that point. He looked so concerned for me that my own mom wasn't being respectful at the time, and he pulled me into another hug.

That afternoon there was a final panel with the whole roster of guests. We could stand at the mics and ask questions if we wanted to, but I just wanted to thank Ryan one more time for his kindness. So, I did.

Later on in the panel, the guests were asked about a project they've done that they are so proud of. Ryan got on the mic and talked about how he knew one of his projects meant the world to a couple of his fans, and then he found me in the crowd, and we locked eyes, and it meant the world to him to know that because it was a project, he was extremely proud of himself.

Then, later on, we had an autograph session and his handler, a new one from previous years, looked up at me and asked my name. Ryan grinned and said, "Don't need it. Mads and I go way back." Then he gave me a wink and said Mads again. I told him that it had been an extremely rough time for me since the Summer of 2018. And that it helped to have my tattoo, which I then showed him, that he'd written because it reminded me to stay grounded. Then, Ryan grabbed my arm, covered my tattoo with his hand, and looked me in the eye.

"I know you think you needed me to be strong. But you are strong all on your own. It's inspiring."

I then handed him a custom Funko Pop I had made of Parrish, and he got emotional and thanked me for such a beautiful gift. When we said goodbye, I told him that I was grateful for all the kindness he had always shown me and that I would miss him. At the time I was certain we would never see each other again because I couldn't afford to travel to Europe where he frequents cons on the regular.

"This isn't goodbye. You are stuck with me for life."

I know Ryan was being kind and probably as honest as he hoped to be but I know despite our shift in bond, Ryan is still an actor and I'm still just a fan. But, our bond is definitely unique and one of a kind.

There are some days I still look at the evidence in front of me and believe that I made it all up in my head. That none of it ever happened.