#Hopefully yes and hopefully it's the novel I'm gonna work on this month

[sentientcave]

November Updates

I'm participating in a non-nanowrimo writing challenge this November, so I'm planning on working on original fiction for the month. I'm going to try and post a few chapters from works I have a big backlog of while I'm busy trying to write a novel. Title cards for the projects I'm hoping to start posting below the cut!

[goodluckclove]

I have a project that I started for Nanorimo. I won Nano but after it was over I lost the motivation to write the last of the first draft. I think it’s a combination of not knowing exactly how to end it, not a lot of people to share it with, and being worried that I’m gonna re-read what I have and just find it bad.

Hello, Friend! Please, sit down. Take a deep breath. I'm going to say a variation of a form of writing advice that I'm sure you've heard a lot, but I'll hopefully elaborate it to the point where it clicks. I actually started writing through NaNoWriMo, it was a really great way to build up the muscle of consistent practice. Did my first six or so novels like that. Fun!

But I have good news and bad new about your first draft. The bad news is that it probably isn't perfect. The good news is that that's a great place to be in.

For one thing, NaNo specifically is not a traditional way to write a very stable first draft. People will spend years on what you've done in 30 days. To compare them is comparing your blanket fort with someone else's McMansion and thinking "dang what if my blanket fort never has faux-Roman arches".

Some people say their first drafts are perfect. This confuses me but I accept it and believe them when they say it. I do think that these people are not talking about drafts they carved out of word-flesh in a month or less. That's an entirely different game to play. When you hear people talk about how you're supposed to have a shitty first draft it could be hard to swallow. We don't want to feel like we put in all this hard work to make something shitty. So maybe I can say it a different way:

Your first draft is the skeletal structure of the story as a whole. It is the frame to what you're trying to achieve.

And I can say from experience that not liking your first draft doesn't feel the way you might think it will if you go at it the right way. I've written twelve books and there's only maybe two that I read fragments from and genuinely cringe. And even then there's still stuff I like about it.

Maybe you went into some kind of fugue state for a month and wrote a bunch of stuff that you hate every part of. You're a big high fantasy fan and you wrote a gritty detective novel. You love Dark Academia romance and when you read your NaNo you find it is just a list of every slur you could think of and new ones that could be added to the lexicon. If this happens to you then yes, your first draft is objectively terrible and you should probably take yourself to the hospital.

More likely your thoughts will look like this:

Maybe I should cut this. It's not really needed.

Oh I forgot the protagonist has this specific trait, I should remember that and incorporate more in the rest of the book

Hah yeah I see where I was going with this.

I should add more details about this concept, considering I now know about this other concept.

Hah man that's a lot of typos. (Assuming you're like me)

These are the types of things I have thought when I looked over literally every first draft I've ever edited since the dawn of my time as a writer. You are not likely to rend your clothes in shame and burrow underground. Even if you find some weird shift that happens in NaNo novels, like the genre or tone changing midway through the document - professional writers do that too. It can be a more efficient way to explore the space you're working it.

It can be a really interesting challenge! It helps too that you took some time off - I try and take at least a week between draft edits, even though it can be painful. You'll be able to see it with fresher eyes.

My usual strategy for editing my own drafts is to read from the top with curiosity and excitement and treat it like a puzzle. Is this what I want? Can it be better? Was there something I missed? Incidentally, when I'm stuck at a point in the novel I use the same trick and it helps every time. It's how Chuck Palahinuik did Fight Club!

So yeah you already did a huge thing by finishing a NaNo. Why not take a look back, if not just to enjoy the crazy and chaotic fruits of your effort?

Also - in regards to people not reading your work. Out of 12 novels I've probably had 3 read all the way through. It can suck, but it's okay and it doesn't mean they aren't good. Validate yourself and enjoy your own writing and start putting shit online/self-publishing/querying to take a chance!

[foxymoxynoona]

6 months is a long time! Where did you study? Japan is a popular trip from here. I’m thinking I should go sometime this year, too. I have a some vacation I can use, but we have to use them during term test weeks. Funny enough one of the times is in April! So I might go in April or July. Are your kids excited about going to Japan? I imagine it’s not easy traveling with kids haha but I’m noticing that sometimes kids are easier to rally if they’re happy and curious.

I think my favorite thing about Seoul is that it feels less like one city and more like a dozen cities laying right next to each other. There are endless things to explore bc each neighborhood is its own place. They’re similar ofc but they are unique in their own way. My least favorite thing tho is how far my neighborhood is from the really interesting parts of the city. It’s super easy to get everywhere but it’s gonna take me an hour. So I can only go places on the weekends. I have to be careful not to overdo it tho! These past two weekends I chilled bc my birthday, some social events, and Seollal are coming up back to back. I really have never been so social in my life! Did I tell you about the queer book club I’m in?

Oh and before I forget, I need to tell you how much I’m looking forward to To Kill a King. It’s such a fascinating story. Meadow is a favorite of mine so I always like your more complicated worlds. I’m working on a novel atm with a complex world, so I’d love any advice! —🐮 anon

I was living in the Netherlands although I traveled around Europe a lot. It was AMAZING, definitely one of the best periods of my life.

My kids are soooo excited about Japan, they've been asking to go for years. I'm hoping what you say is true, that they'll be troopers about the travel. It won't be from lack of excitement though, I just know 24 hours of travel and sitting on a plane is rough, especially for a 5 year old 😵‍💫 Hopefully it won't be unbearable though and this will free us up for more trips. They want to go to the Bahamas next (for sharks, they're both super into sharks) and Greenland... I'm thinking yes to Bahamas and no to Greenland haha.

You didn't tell me about the queer book club!! That sounds like so much funnnn. All of your descriptions of Seoul sound great. I wish I could remember more detail about the time I spent there and where I was but I was in a tour of Asia for work and it was all such a whirlwind so I've had to mostly just live vicariously through my research and now you 😊 So many exciting things coming up!! Feel free to drop aaaaany mundane experiences here, I volunteer to be the diary! haha

And thank you for your excitement about TKAK haha. I'm inching along on the next chapter. It has a lot of scenes that need careful choreography... but I did some cheating writing ahead this last week too and I'm so excited for future scenes so that'll help me push through the harder chapters!

[generalchelseamayhem]

1-92 ;-)

Sorry, a lot of stuff happened in the intervening 11 days since you sent this.

The good news is that some of my answers might have changed as a result, so you're now getting the most up-to-date information!

Would I have sex with the last person I texted? Right now, no. If the circumstances were different, then yes.

I talked to an ex today? No.

Have I taken someone's virginity? Yes. We both did.

Is trust a big issue for me? Oh yeah, in particular it's a huge deal for me that people put their trust in me.

Did I hang out with the person I like recently? Pretty recently yeah.

What am I excited for? Well I'm going to my first live music for years in November.

What happened tonight? Dunno, it's not tonight yet.

Do I think it's disgusting when girls get wasted? Apart from the risk of vomiting, not really. I usually just roll up my sleeves and attempt to shepherd them in a vaguely sensible direction - which is probably why I don't get invited to any parties.

Is confidence cute? Cute is the wrong word. Confidence is hot.

What is the last beverage I had? Water. I know, that's incredibly boring, but my work actually does really nice chilled water from a tap. Actually you just reminded me I almost left a bottle of apple juice somewhere I would never see it again if I hadn't picked it up, so thanks.

How many people of the opposite sex do I fully trust? 'Fully' is doing a lot of work here. I think maybe 2 or 3.

Do I own a pair of skinny jeans? If I ever did, not anymore. I don't like my legs being constricted like that.

What am I gonna do Saturday night? I have a triple birthday party this weekend, so hopefully that.

What am I going to spend money on next? Great, you reminded me how hungry I am... unfortunately I'm also on a surprisingly restrictive diet. Probably fruit for tomorrow's lunch.

Am I going out with... Nope.

Do I think I'll change in the next 3 months? Yes, and I'll probably find the me of 3 months ago extremely cringe.

Who do I feel the most comfortable talking to about anything? Probably the friend I would describe as my writing partner.

The last time I felt broken? Probably January of this year. But in a good way.

Have I had sex today? Absolutely not.

Am I starting to realise something? How deep the rabbit hole of self-hatred goes.

Am I in a good mood? Sure, better than last week at any rate.

Would I ever want to swim with sharks? Only if they were teeny tiny ones that don't like to bite.

Are my eyes the same colour as my dad's? Yes.

What do I want right this second? Hot chips... but I cannot have them. 😔

What would I say if the person I like/love kissed another girl/boy? I mean, to give you an idea of my situation, I would say 'Aww, that's great for you' if it was a girl, and I would be very much 'WTF are you actually serious' if it was a boy.

Is my current hair colour my natural one? Yes.

Would I be able to date someone who doesn't make me laugh? Maybe not, but right now I'd settle for being able to date anyone at all, or even having the confidence to put myself out there.

What was the last thing that made me laugh? A coworker gave me a romance novel that was so bad she wanted us to hate-read it together. It was hilariously awful.

Do I really truly miss someone right now? It's hard to say. Do I miss them or do I miss a memory that is no longer them?

Does everyone deserve a second chance? Some do. Some don't. Some people don't even get the first chances they deserve. Some people get a tenth chance and still screw it up.

Do I hate the last boy I talked to? Not in the slightest.

Does the person I have feelings for know that I do? Yes! And it's for the best both that she knows and that I don't try to pursue it.

Am I one of those people who never drinks soda? Yes, but it's a very recent development, due to the aforementioned diet.

Listening to? A very chipper train guard.

Do I ever write in pencil anymore? Sometimes, but mostly in pen due to availability.

Do I know where the last person I kissed is? Only if we count knowing the country she's in.

Do I believe in love at first sight? No. Lust at first sight, definitely.

Who did I last call? Writing partner.

Who was the last person I danced with? I legit don't remember the last time I danced properly.

Why did I kiss the last person I kissed? To say goodbye.

When was the last time I ate a cupcake? I bet you didn't expect this one to be the armour-piercing question, did you? It was a couple of weeks ago at most but I already miss it terribly. I have no idea how long it will be before I can eat another one.

Did I hug/kiss one of my parents today? No.

Ever embarrassed myself in front of my crush? Oh hell yes. Embarrassment is practically my natural state IRL.

Do I tan nude? I do a few things nude but tanning is not one of them.

If I could would I take back my last kiss? Eh, what would be the point of taking it back?

Did I talk to someone until I fell asleep last night? Yes 😊

Who was the last person to call me? Writing partner.

Do I sing in the shower? Badly. My singing voice died during the pandemic.

Do I dance in the car? I don't have a car.

Ever used a bow and arrow? Not seriously. I think I've participated in one archery-related activity ever.

Last time I got a portrait taken by a photographer? Probably dressed as Cavendish from Milo Murphy's Law for a wedding.

Do I think musicals are cheesy? All theatre is cheesy, the trick is owning it.

Is Christmas stressful? So, so stressful.

Ever eat a pierogi? Yeah, they are incredibly good.

Favourite type of fruit pie? Apple

Occupations I wanted to be as a kid? Alright fine, I wanted to make my own superhero comics.

Do I believe in ghosts? No

Ever got a deja vu feeling? A few times, yeah.

Do I take a vitamin daily? I used to, but it was in capsule form which I found unbearable.

Do I wear slippers? Nah man, ugg boots are where it's at.

How about bathrobes? No

What do I wear to bed? Ever since I got a very uncomfortable bout of chicken pox... not much.

First concert? Depends on how you count, but most would agree it was Tim Minchin at the Opera House.

Wal-Mart, Target or K-mart? We don't get Wal-Mart in Australia. Of the remaining two... probably Target but they're pretty evenly matched.

Nike or Adidas? I have a certain affinity for Slavic people, so Adidas.

Cheetos or Fritos? Again, we don't really get Fritos in Australia, so Cheetos.

Peanuts or sunflower seeds? Sunflower seeds.

Favourite Taylor Swift song? Bearing in mind that I am not a Swiftie... Wildest Dreams, maybe?

Have I ever taken dance lessons? No, as I often tell people, I have 1 1/2 left feet.

Is there a profession I picture my future spouse in? Not especially, but I could imagine finding a fellow molecular biologist and making a connection there.

Can I curl my tongue? Not even a little bit.

Ever won a spelling bee? I've never even participated in one; I've only seen a single such competition IRL.

Have I ever cried because I was so happy? I can't remember when but almost certainly yes.

What's my favourite book? The one my friend is in the process of writing.

Do I study better with or without music? Neither. Nothing can compel me to study well.

Do I regularly burn incense? No

Ever been in love? Yes. A little too much if I'm honest.

Who would I like to see in concert? Duran Duran for sure. They haven't been back to Australia for TWELVE YEARS.

What was the last concert I saw? Tim Minchin's Back, the Encore tour.

Hot tea or cold tea? Given that I don't like tea flavour to begin with... cold. At least then it tastes plausibly of peach or mango or whatever.

Tea or coffee? I don't like either, so tea for the reasons listed above.

Favourite type of cookie? Did you have to ask me this when I was on a diet? White chip macadamia, but I'll give an honourable mention to ANZAC biscuits.

Can I swim well? No, I have the motions down but no power in my strokes, so I spend an awful lot of effort not getting anywhere.

Can I hold my breath without holding my nose? ... Yes. Is that a thing some people can't do?

Am I patient? Sure.

DJ or band at a wedding? Every good wedding I've been to has had a DJ.

Ever won a contest? By any reasonable definition of contest, no.

Ever had plastic surgery? My favourite thing to do is tell people that I've had botox injections at least 10 times throughout my life, and see if any of them know what botox is for when it's not being used in plastic surgery.

Black or green olives? Depends on my mood.

Opinions on sex before marriage? Much better on every conceivable metric than forcing yourself to wait until after marriage.

Best room for a fireplace? Log cabin sitting room.

Do I want to get married? I don't think so, and yet I still have a romantic heart. Just hate being the centre of attention.

[my-dear-anonym]

Oh yes, definitely a hall of fame. They are so much fun to read, but then you remember a thing that you really liked about that version and you wonder if you should change your current version again to include that bit but it doesn't work and then you get sad. Sigh!

And yes! Waking up and the motivation is gone. Big oof. And I can't bring myself to publish an unfinished work! (If the motivation left me before the excited preemptive publishing stage.)(Currently beating that excitement back with a sledgehammer on my current project.) And usually, it takes all the motivation to write anything with it for months. And I know it's gonna be months before writing will strike me again. It'd be a miracle of the inspiration for the same story to make a come back. (The only exception is my novel work. That rattles around like a coin in a can.)

Thank you for the well wishes! Hopefully I get through it. I honestly can't handle writing things that aren't lore heavy. I don't know why? I do, actually. It's the world building. I love the world building. And how characters mesh into that world. But I'm lucky that this is a big enough fandom that if I have a question, someone already has the answer or I know exactly where to find it. (That's why I can't write dpxdc. Cause I don't know the lore. And I can't write something I don't know the lore to. What if I break canon? Or WORSE! I can't break canon intentionally)

I hope the motivation for your current works stick it through for you! I'm excited to see the pieces you end up publishing. I'm currently trying to force mine to stick around longer by not consuming anything that would grab my attention too much. (Like newly updated shows. There's a couple waiting for me and it's torture.)(Also can't touch the art. The art will suck away all of the creative juices)(Bad art) <3

My goodness Cork! You're posting chapters faster than I can keep up! I think I'm still on 8! (It's going to be so amazing when I finally have time enough to read and just go through all of them real quick!) Hope you're making sure to leave time to take care of yourself <3

Hehe

Thank you!! I hope you like it when you get time to read it all at once <3

Honestly, I'm a very anxious writer, which basically means I hate posting works in progress. It makes my brain go crazy with the need to keep going and keep working until it's done because somehow I always end up seeing my writing as a responsibility (I have issues, yes). My way of solving that particular problem is to never post anything until I'm actually fully done with the main plot (which is why I started posting Married to Winter only after I finished chapter 6 in my drafts, the rest of the chapters were only additional and thus didn't raise my anxiety).

That is to say, I've written Neon Green and Cold Blue in its entirety over the course of one week - back in September I think - before I ever posted the first chapter, so the unposted ones are just chilling in my drafts right now. Which is how I can stick to a schedule in the first place lol

It's also to say that I'm currently slowly working through writing yet another fic that is based off of my Rat Danny and The Guy Who Won't Die posts and is spiraling in some unknown direction :з

[crashdevlin]

Another Second Chance 18- Therapy

Another Second Chance Masterlist, Happily Ever Eventually Masterlist

Author’s Note: The final (hopefully) installment of the Happily Ever Eventually RPF series.

Summary: Y/n finds herself a new house and Misha is determined to make it a huge project.

Pairing: Jensen x Reader

Word count: 2993

Story Warnings: past cheating, mentions of FFM threesome, not much in this one

~~~~~~~~~~~~

“It’s pretty, right?” I ask, looking around the open concept of the first floor of this $350,000 house.

“Kitchen’s kinda outdated,” Jensen says, pointing at the fridge. ���I mean, that fridge has gotta be from when you were in high school.”

“I could buy new appliances, Jay. Get a natural gas stove set up. Install some cabinet pulls, because I’m not a really big fan of this whole lack of elements.” I gesture at the cabinets. “Probably stain it a little darker to go against the flooring. But it’s pretty, right?”

Jay smiles. “Yeah. It’s pretty...and it’s about twice as big as the one you’ve been living in. Which is what you need.”

“Yeah. Walk-in closet in the master, too. It’ll be a good place to put the security hub.”

“Or you could put the security hub in the closet in the den and put your clothes in the master closet,” Jay suggests, grumpy old man in his tone. "And if you're gonna update the kitchen, you gotta update the bathrooms. Get one of those-"

"I am not getting an automatic toilet!" I laugh. "No one needs that!"

"Of course no one needs it but it's freakin' awesome!"

"Okay, Dean," I tease.

"Dean would agree with me. Automatic toilet, with the bidet and the-"

"Dean Winchester would break an automatic toilet and then complain that it's a damn computer which means he can't fix it without help."

Jay laughs. "He'd still think it was cool."

"He'd be down for the heated seat. I will give you that much."

He smiles as he looks around. "So...are we looking at your new digs or what?"

I bite my bottom lip and run my hand over the granite countertop. “Shouldn’t I ask Nova's opinion? It's gonna be her home, too."

"She's a teenager. As long as she's got her own room, I'm sure she's gonna be fine." He sets his hands on my shoulders and smiles. "But you can show her pictures or bring her by before you sit down with the realtor."

I nod and smile. "It's in the right school district and a bigger room for her and for Mav and the bonus room can be an office. I really think it's the place."

"Then get it," he encourages. "Get it, Baby Girl. We can make it perfect. I'm no stranger to a little reno."

"Please," I start, laughing. "A contractor did the work on your old place. Shush."

He looks a little offended. "I helped. I painted. I installed the sink in the half bath off the kitchen."

"Fine. You can stain these cabinets for me." I wink and step away from him. I'm gonna get this house. "Come on." I walk to the foyer where the realtor is waiting and I smile at him. "Can I put in an offer now or should I wait a few hours?" He smiles brighter than the sun.

"You can make an offer anytime, Miss."

Miss. Still young enough to get 'miss'. "Good. Let's do this."

~~~~~~~~~

"Four bedroom, 2 and a half bath, 3200 square feet with an office next to the master bed. It needs some updating and work...had a contractor quote me $60,000 but that's not bad...covers new appliances, too."

"I could come down and help," Misha offers. "You know, a lot of that stuff you can DIY and I can help with most of it."

"You don't have to do that, Meesh."

"Why would I let you spend that much money on something I could help you with for a fraction of the cost?"

"Misha, you really don’t-"

"I'm not letting you tell me 'no' on this. We'll get together some manpower and get this done for you."

He's really not going to let me say 'no'. "Okay. Well, it's going to be several weeks before the paperwork is finished and all that. I'll let you know when it's mine."

"Good. I'll start looking at HGTV.com." Damn it, Misha. Don't be so extra. "And send me pictures and a floorplan so I know what I'm working with."

"Yeah, okay." Really no point in arguing. It's Misha. If I don't send him pics and a copy of the floorplan, he'll just find the house and get them himself off the internet. "I'll send it to you after my appointment tomorrow, okay?"

"Sounds good. Talk to you then."

"Bye, Meesh." I hang up and sigh. He's gonna make it this whole thing, isn't he?

His house in Washington did come out amazing, though, so he does have some skills that will help in this. Eh, why not? Why not get together with my best friend and make my new home my own?

"So, I get to see this house eventually, right?" Nova says, walking into the living room.

I smile. "Come see all these pretty pictures I took and we can speculate on what craziness Misha is gonna come up with." I pat the couch next to me and she comes over. "This is the view from the street." I start showing her the pictures and she claims a room before I've even finished the digital tour.

"Oh, and you're gonna paint the exterior, right? Like, it's pretty but it's yellow. You're gonna fix that, right?"

"Oh, I'm sure Misha isn't going to let me move into another drab house. You weren’t here the first time he showed up at this house but he had opinions about all of it. I didn't let him talk me into reno last time but this time...I don’t know...maybe this will be the forever home so…"

"It's gotta be custom!" Nova exclaims.

"Exactly."

"Can I paint my walls custom? Or get custom wallpaper done? I know that a lot of people don't like wallpaper but I've seen a few places that got it right and-"

"Yeah, baby, of course. We'll figure out something awesome for your walls." I kiss her forehead. We'll do whatever she wants for her room.

"Yay!"

I love when she's happy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's been a while since I've been in Dr. McCauliffe's office. Life has been in the way...and I guess I didn’t want her to judge me for my involvement with Jensen...which is ridiculous because she's my therapist. She's not going to judge me.

"So." She taps her pen against her clipboard. "What's new?"

"Well...I have been dating Jensen again. I know you saw that in the news."

"I saw it on Mr. Collins' Instagram, actually," she says with a smile.

"Right. The video. Forgot about it for a minute. Um, yeah, like I said in the video and Jensen said in his...spark's still there, we're giving it another chance."

"How's that feel?"

I bite my bottom lip. "Scary as Hell, honestly. I mean, but it's good. I've done pretty good with boundaries and moving slowly. You know, before...we jumped in head first and everything was this intense passion right out of the gate but this time…" I shrug. "I don't know. Maybe we've grown up, or grown old, but…"

"Have you slept with him?" she asks and it's because she knows that sex was a big issue when I was with him before. Sex was all we were supposed to be in the beginning and sex ruined us in the end. I know why she's asking but there's this...well, it's a bit intrusive, isn't it? It seems like she's judging me for being sexually active and I know that's not what it is but my whole spine goes tense when she asks.

"Yes. We dated for about a month before we started getting physical again."

“And how has that been? I don’t need details, of course, but...emotionally, how has it been to be intimate with Jensen again?”

How to answer that?

Really, how am I supposed to answer that? It’s the best sex I’ve ever had, emotionally fullfilling in a romance-novel sort of way. It’s perfect but it does have its scary moments. “Well, we’ve only actually...slept together a couple times this time. His libido is a lot less than it was. I mean, he didn’t have sex the entire time we were broken up, can you believe that?”

Dr. McCauliffe adjusts her glasses and shrugs a little. “I do not. Five years is a long time to go without sex...but you seem to believe it. That’s what matters.”

I never even questioned it. Should I have? No, because he’s been so honest about everything else. “I went years and years without sex after Nate. I believe Jensen did the same after me. He had a lot going on. He was in recovery for alcoholism. He had to be a good father and work on his career and-”

“You just got very defensive, very quickly. Why is that?”

Fuck, I don’t know. I run my hand over my mouth and shrug. “I don’t know,” I respond honestly.

“Analyze it, Y/n. Why would you get so defensive over my disbelief in what Jensen told you?”

“Because I didn’t question it,” I answer after a moment. “Because he told me that the last time he had sex, real full-penetrative sex, was the time that broke us and I didn’t really question it. I took it at face value because we’ve been doing very good about honesty with each other and what if that’s stupid? What if I’m stupid because maybe he’s lying about it and keeping stuff from me and-”

“You said he’s been very good about honesty so far, right?”

I nod. “Yeah. He’s...he admitted to stuff that I never thought he’d admit to and he apologized for stuff and he’s been open about what happened and why. He’s even been honest about little things that he would have lied about before...like I told him about Will and he Googled him. Used to be, he’d keep that kind of thing to himself, never tell me, but he admitted it without even prompting.” I chew on my bottom lip as she starts scribbling on her notes. “I believe him. It might be stupid but I believe him.”

She sets her clipboard in her lap and smiles at me. “It’s not stupid...and he’s likely changed enough that honesty is important to him. You’ve told me that his recovery has changed him. Jared’s told me the same. Now, it’s a bit hard for me to believe that he’s changed so much in the last five years that he would have abstained from sex since the last time he was with you, but...I don’t know the man, do I? You do. Jared does. If you believe him, then don’t let me change your mind.”

“I believe him. You didn’t see the way he looked at me the first time we...‘Reverent’ is the best word for it.”

“What do you think that means for you?”

I scoot back, leaning against the back of the couch. “I think he’s finally got Danneel out of his head.”

“Do you?” she asks and I hate when she asks things I don’t want to answer. “Danneel was a major roadblock in your relationship before, wasn’t she?”

“You know she was. I was so focused on giving Jensen what he wanted...Danneel...that I couldn’t see that I was what he was supposed to be wanting. I wanted to be like her, couldn’t appreciate myself. I know this stuff, Doctor.” I shift on the couch and sigh. “I don’t wanna be Danneel and I don’t want Jensen to be with her. I want Jensen to be with me...I want him to want to be with only me.” I shrug. “Seems like that’s where we are. He doesn’t even talk to her anymore. I talked to her the other day and she didn’t even know why he doesn’t talk to her anymore.”

“You talked to Danneel again?”

“Yeah. We ran into each other at a shop while I was getting Nova a new dress. It...didn’t go well. Nova was very combative with Danneel. I ended up having to...be very honest with my daughter. She knows about everything now...even the night with Danneel.”

“Oh? How’d that talk go?”

“It was...it was good to get it off my chest, actually. It was like the conversation where I told her about, about why her father and I got divorced. It’s like...It was a hard conversation but it was an important one. I don’t have to...hide things anymore and that’s a blessing. She understands why I make the decisions I make now...she understands...the betrayal was a lot deeper than she even knew. She understands that now and...maybe it’ll make us closer, but at least she knows the truth now.”

“And she’s living with you now, right?” I nod. “How did that happen? Nathan doesn’t seem the type to just allow her to do what she wants.”

I snort. “He’s definitely not, but...he fucked up with Jenny, blew up his marriage. I’m actually surprised it took her this long to realize that he was cheating on her, but whatever. Um...Nova didn’t want to be there for the destruction of his way of life and she asked if she could come to Texas. I convinced him to let her come because she didn’t need to see the parade of his affairs that Jenny would bring up. I then used those women to convince him not to fight me on custody when I refiled. It was…” I scratch at my cheek. “It was a low move, but it’s exactly the kind of move he pulled on me, convincing the judge that I was too unstable to care for her. I don’t feel bad about it, especially since she wants to be here.”

“That’s a big change...on top of other big changes.”

“Yep...and there’s more coming. Because I need more room since Nova is living with me, there will be a new home in my future."

"A new home? That's exciting."

"It is. And I am more excited about it than I am scared so that says something."

"I remember how anxious you were about your first house. I remember all the security options you went through."

"Well, security had to be heavy. I had to think about Tom and his crazy-ass fans and the crazier of Jensen’s fans and the paps. There was that one photographer in Vancouver that climbed the balcony outside the condo to get pics of me and Jay, remember?" I shiver at the memory of looking out the French doors to see a man with his camera, snapping away. So intrusive. "I'm gonna have to put up a privacy fence and a coded gate at the new place, too...and, of course, all the security cameras."

"Sounds like a big project."

"Yeah. Definitely. Not even half of it, though. Misha wants to DIY everything."

"Misha isn't your husband, Y/n," Dr. McCauliffe reminds me and I laugh.

"I think he forgets that sometimes. But there's not a lot of use in arguing with him. He's...well, he's right a lot. Like, most of the time, I mean. So, I always cave to him."

"Do you want to do a big DIY project at this new house?"

"Not at first, I didn't but...I dunno. Might be fun. I've never gotten to do that kind of project and knowing Misha, he's gonna make it fun even if it is hard work."

"Well, as long as you can maintain your work as well as this project. How is that coming along?"

"Really good, actually. We started shooting not too long ago...and I hadn't even considered that this project might be detrimental to Midsummer. I'll have to make sure that Misha knows that Midsummer comes first."

"Well, it seems like you've got things under control."

"Yeah? I was afraid you'd tell me I was...going too fast or…"

"Do you think that? You were telling me that you'd done well with boundaries and keeping things-"

"Well, I have! I mean, Jensen was talking about moving in together already and I shut that down and decided to get a bigger place...my own bigger place."

"Jensen wanted to move in with you?" She writes down something on her notes. "And you said 'no'?"

"I said 'no'," I confirm. "I was really proud of myself, Doc. Nova was proud of me, too, actually. Which was...it was interesting and new. I don’t know that she's ever been proud of me for anything and I know that it's supposed to be the other way, where I'm proud of her and I am, of course but Nova being proud of me setting these boundaries and sticking to them...it gives me hope that she'll be able to do the same in her own life, you know?"

"There's nothing wrong with feeling happy that you made your daughter proud and there's nothing wrong with hoping she's going to make different mistakes than you. She's going to do well in life if you keep making the best choices for the both of you." She sets her clipboard on her desk and smiles. "I'm proud of you, too, by the way. Six years ago, you would have jumped at living with Jensen."

"Six years ago, I did."

We finish out our session with a promise to not go so long without seeing her next time. "Mental health is about the maintenance," she reminds me as she opens her office door and walks me to the reception desk. I agree and set an appointment for six weeks out. I call Misha as I start my car, intending to tell him that Midsummer comes before the house project. I haven't even gotten a 'hello' out of my mouth when he speaks.

"I saw the pictures you sent. I have so many ideas!"

~~~

The Kitchen Sink - @emoryhemsworth @flamencodiva @wasabiwitteks @rainbowkisses31 @rissbennett @mariekoukie6661 @officiallyunofficialperson @dolphincliffs @mrs-meghan-winchester @gayspacenerd @foxyjwls007 @ilovefanfic86 @marvelfansworld @f-yeahfandoms @wonderlandfandomkingdom @hhiggs @sev3nruby @hobby27 @paintballkid711 @divadinag @thewhiterabbit42 @fantasymyth-1 @queenoftheunderdark @cosicas-cuquis @superfanficnatural @letsby @supernatural-bellawinchester @onethirstyunicorn @swinchester27 @chalicia @screechingartisancashbailiff @death-unbecomes-you @dayasvalkyrie @paryl @wereallbrokenangels @the-american-witch @that-one-gay-girl @tatted-trina6 @sunshineandwings86 @lunarmoon8 @wheezyeds @vicmc624 @couldabeenamermaid @vulgar-library

[fangirl-ramblings]

Pairing: Charles Smith x Female Readee

Word Count: 3222

Summary: Love is in the air around camp, but has Cupid's arrow somehow missed you and Charles?

Notes: The fluffiest of fluff, Reader POV / Charles POV

This @rdr-secret-cupid gift is for one of my favourite people - @12timetraveler. My sincere apologies for this Valentine's / birthday present being so late, but hopefully it's well worth the wait 😘

~* Tumblr Masterlist | Stories on AO3 *~

Cupid's Arrow

Reader's POV

14th Feb 1899

You looked around to see Dutch sitting in his tent, whispering sweet nothings to Miss O'Shea while Sean was trying his hardest to win over Karen, whose icy demeanour was starting to thaw with each passing drink he was plying her with. Hell, even John had had a little too much to drink and summoned the courage to pick a small posy of flowers and present them to Abigail as a small Valentine's gift. 

You liked seeing the camp happy like this, all relaxed in each other's company; the likes of Javier and Tilly sitting next to each other as the former strummed on his guitar and filled the air with a sweet melody, or young Mary-Beth, enjoying the latest romance novel she acquired, only to tear her eyes away from the page to gaze lovingly towards an oblivious Arthur before continuing her story.

And while Micah's grumbling about it "not bein' right, someone like him talkin' to a fiiinnnne woman like her," as he watched young Lenny saying something to make Jenny giggle from across the way, was enough to for everybody to tell him to shut up, it certainly wasn't enough to dampen the mood around the place.

It was even nice to see Miss Grimshaw laugh and smile as she joined the older camp members in their reminiscences about previous Valentine's days with their own past loves, soon followed by raucous singing of filthy songs but as you took your makeshift seat of a crate at the poker table, you couldn’t but help feel Cupid’s arrow had struck everyone and somehow bypassed you. 

You had secretly hoped that Charles would have joined in with the party, but the minute Dutch wound up his gramophone Charles had disappeared into the woods to take his position on guard duty.

While you'd taken many opportunities to try to make conversation and try to get to know him better over the last few months, you still found him to be a man of few words - but you liked that about him. The camp was full enough of loud-mouthed characters like Sean and Uncle that any moment you found yourself sitting in a comfortable silence with Mr. Smith was bliss.

As the night drew on and more and more alcohol was heartly consumed by all, you felt your eyes growing heavy and couldn’t summon the energy to sing along with the lyrics of “The Louisville Maid”.

   "Well as fun as this is, I'm gonna call it a night," you announced to your campmates, knowing full well that nobody was really listening. You sighed as they were caught up in their merriment and headed towards your tent… only to walk straight into Charles.

   "Whoa, careful there," he told you, giving you a small smile as he placed those big, strong hands of his upon your arms to help stop you from falling over on the spot.

Your face burned as you felt your face grow redder and with each passing second as you enjoyed his gentle but firm touch, causing you to look away to avoid staring into those beautiful, deep brown eyes of his. You hoped that he thought your flushed appearance was a result of all the alcohol running through your veins and not the thought currently running  through your mind; what it would be like if he suddenly dipped and kissed you with a fervent passion?

   "Sorry Charles, I… I… I hadn't realised you'd finished your shift already. Want a drink?"

    "I'm okay, thank you, I was gonna try and get some sleep… and I think you should too - big day tomorrow isn't it?" Your brow furrowed as you tried to rack your brain. Had you arranged to go on a job and completely forgot? Charles watched you, with a confused look. "Oh, I thought you'd mentioned the other day that it was your birthday? Maybe I got it wrong?" 

   "Oh my word, yes it is," you gasped in wonderment, "I can't believe you remembered."

   "Guess I just have a good memory for special occasions," he grinned, brushing a loose hair from your face without thinking, making you weak at the knees.

He cleared his throat and moved his hand away. "Well we best both go get some shut eye before the sun comes up. Good night and sweet dreams." 

You watched him walk to his tent, before heading to your own. Still smiling to yourself, you drew the flaps shut and fell on the cot, relieving that brief moment you just had with Charles over and over as you closed your eyes and let sleep wash over you.

15th Feb 1899

As the sun beamed through the gaps of your tent, you woke up to a very different camp atmosphere compared to the night before. It was eerily quiet; with everybody still in bed, sleeping off the hangovers they'd given themselves at the party.

Deciding to make the most of having a quiet camp all to yourself, you sat yourself up and stretched - your muscles and joints aching in a way that made you laugh. Another year older today and your body was certainly reminding you of that fact with all the aches and pains you suddenly started feeling. 

A part of you doubted anybody else would be able to remember that today was your birthday but you smiled as you saw Mary-Beth hadn't forgotten; she'd wrapped a romance novel with one of her ribbons and left it on your trunk. Next to it was a little handwritten note from her, wishing you a very happy birthday and how "the way the heroine in this story reminds me of how you act around Charles, maybe if you read it you'll end up with your true love too. x"

You playfully rolled your eyes; ever the romantic, Mary-Beth had seen you gazing at Charles one day and decided you were destined to be together.

Pulling on some fresh clothes, you stepped outside and made your way towards the coffee pot, presuming nobody would have thought to wash it out and prepare it ready for the morning. Yet, to your surprise, you lifted it up to find it freshly brewed and still piping hot.

   “I figured everybody would be wanting some when they woke up,” Charles chuckled, walking behind you carrying some logs for the campfire.

   “I’d say; seems they all had a lot to celebrate,” you laughed, pouring yourself a cup. “You want one?” you asked, offering Charles the filled mug currently in your hand.

   “I’m okay thanks, I had one before I made a start on tidying the place up.” 

   “Oh trust me, I wouldn’t worry too much about that today - Grimshaw will have such a headache, she'll be far more focused on getting all the quieter jobs done," you giggled knowing from previous experience how badly Susan seemed to suffer from next morning hangovers.

He carefully placed the chopped wood next to the campfire before turning his attention back to you. "Oh I bet," he grinned, his eyes twinkling. "Actually, I have an idea that might help keep camp running smoothly and stop people grumbling.'

   "Oh?" Curiosity had gotten the best of you and you were intrigued to know what he was thinking.

   "I saw supplies were running low and was thinking of doing some hunting later… a good hearty stew might be what the others need to recover," rushing his words out before casting his eyes to the ground. "I, erm… I was wondering if you wanted to join me?"

   "What? Because I'm the only other person sober enough to safely use a weapon right now?" you teased. 

   "That's one reason, but I'd also like some good company." 

You stood gobsmacked as he turned away from you, quickly making his way over to Taima, pulling something from her saddle.

   "I… I'd like to spend time with you too, but I'm afraid my pistol is no good for hunting." You hung your head in disappointment, mentally kicking yourself that this could be your one chance to be alone with the man you'd admired for all these months - and you've lost it because you never took the time to invest in decent hunting equipment.

   "I can help you with that," Charles told you, pulling out an ornate looking bow and handing it to you. "I made it… for your birthday."

   "For me?" Shocked by his act of kindness, you traced your fingers over each of the detail engravings that ran along each of the limbs, tears starting to cloud your vision. "This is beautiful, but are you sure you mean to give this to me?"

   "Of course… a beautiful bow for a beautiful lady.” A sudden flash of fear crossed Charles’ eyes as he realised what he had just said, his body tensing.

   "You… think I'm beautiful?" Your eyes looking deep into his, searching for the truth.

He nodded. "The most beautiful creature I have ever laid eyes on… I'm sorry, I didn't mean to put you on the spot like that. If it's too awkward, we can just forget the hunting…"

He stopped mid-sentence as you kissed his cheek, his body relaxing as he realised he hadn't made a mistake in telling you.

   "It's not awkward at all, I've liked you for a long time but I could never work out if the feeling is mutual." You gently thumbed his cheek, "Let's go on this hunting trip and talk about this in private shall we?" You suggested as you signaled for Charles to see what you could see. 

Stood behind him was a small audience of John and Mary-Beth, both of whom were grinning over to you both. 

Charles playfully rolled his eyes and walked  you away from their gaze. 

   "Sounds like a good idea, wanna head out now?"

   "Lead the way Mr. Smith." You held out your hand and he gladly took hold.

   "Oh wait, you'll need some of these too" he reached back into his saddle to hand you a bunch of arrows… only to be confused as he heard you laughing.

    "What's so funny?" Charles asked, trying to read your expression.

   "Nothing… just looks like Cupid's arrows found me after all."

Charles' POV

14th Feb 1899

   “I’ll take over here if you want,” John grumbled, clutching his face as he approached where Charles was currently taking up guard duty in the wooded area on the outskirts of camp. “I reckon my Valentine's night is as good as over.”

Charles turned to face his campmate, the moonlight showing a fresh red looking handprint across John's cheek. "You blew it with Abigail then?"

   "Yep, I pushed my luck just a little too much," John chuckled lightly, "But I'm sure I'll  survive. Go on, you go enjoy yourself… I saw [y/n] looking all lonesome up there, she could probably do with some company."

John waggled his eyebrows as Charles pretended to scowl; alcohol had given him loose lips one night and he had ended up confiding in Arthur and John about his feelings about the camp lady he'd taken a shine to. But he couldn’t hold the expression for long as a smile crept over his lips he thought about you.

   "I'll probably just get some shut-eye instead, but I have been busy making this for her." He lifted up a beautiful bow that was resting against a nearby trunk. "It's her birthday tomorrow and she mentioned once she'd be interested in learning to hunt properly."

   "You're a big old softie, ain't you Charles Smith?" John chuckled. "Well, I'm sure she'll appreciate the thought."

   “Don’t you go ruining my reputation, John,” he laughed, making his way to the clearing where all the gang's horses grazed peacefully.

Taima looked up, nickering as she saw her owner nearby.

   “Just a passing visit for now girl, but we can go out on a ride tomorrow,” he whispered to her, stroking her neck as she nuzzled against him. “In the meantime, I want you to keep this safe for me.” Charles lifted his saddle onto the hitching post that Taima was attached to, and carefully placed the bow into the holster on it. She watched her owner with curiosity, her ears pricking up as heard Charles rummaging in his saddlebag to retrieve an apple to reward his trusted Appaloosa for her loyalty. 

The music was still playing as he walked back into camp, only this time it was Pearson’s accordion and Uncle’s banjo that filled the air as Miss Grimshaw sang a bawdy song. It was clear that the party wasn't ending anytime soon, but that wasn't going to stop Charles from trying to get some sleep. Heading towards his tent, he found himself looking around for a quick glance of his heart's desire, only for you to crash straight into him.

   "Whoa, careful there," he told you, gently placing his hands upon your arms to help stop you from falling over on the spot. He could have swore he felt a jolt of electricity flowing through his veins as his skin touched yours.

   "Sorry Charles, I… I… I hadn't realised you'd finished your shift already. Want a drink?"

    "I'm okay thank you, I was gonna try and get some sleep… and I think you should too - big day tomorrow isn't it?" A flash of confusion crossed your face and Charles began to doubt himself. "Oh, I thought you'd mentioned the other day that it was your birthday? Maybe I got it wrong?" 

   "Oh my word, yes it is," you gasped in wonderment. "I can't believe you remembered."

   "Guess I just have a good memory for special occasions," he grinned, brushing a loose hair from your face without thinking, before catching himself and moving his hand away.

Not really wanting the moment to be over but knowing he must tear himself away lest he stay admiring you all night, he cleared his throat. 

   "Well we best both go get some shut eye before the sun comes up. Good night and sweet dreams." 

Making the short walk back to his own tent,  his heart soared as he thought back over your reaction to him remembering your birthday. Now he couldn’t wait to see how you would react to your present.

Settling on his bed roll, he watched you draw your tent closed before allowing himself finally sleep and dream of you.

Charles found himself waking at the crack of dawn, just as the last few stragglers were stumbling towards their bedrolls . Realising he could effectively have the tranquillity of camp to himself,  he gladly jumped up and set about getting ready for a new day.

Firstly he made his way over to Pearson’s wagon to grab a few coffee beans and started brewing a fresh pot. Noticing the meat supplies were running dangerously low, Charles made a mental note to go out hunting later and wondered if this could be the ideal opportunity to ask the birthday girl to join him.

While he waited for that certain someone to wake up, he had already  stoked the fires back to life and disposed of the empty bottles that were scattered all around camp before finally enjoying a short break with a fresh cup of coffee.

It wasn't until he had made a start on chopping wood he had heard footsteps behind him and smiled to himself as he looked over to see [y/n] making her way over to the coffee pot.

   “I figured everybody would be wanting some when they woke up,” Charles chuckled, walking up to her with an armful of logs for the campfire.

   “I’d say; seems they all had a lot to celebrate,” she laughed in that sweet way that made Charles’ feel all warm inside as she poured a cup. “You want one?” asking as she offered the mug in her hand towards him.

   “I’m okay thanks, I had one before I made a start on tidying the place up," he explained, walking over towards where the chopped wood was to be stored.

   “Oh trust me, I wouldn’t worry too much about that today - Grimshaw will have such a headache, she'll be far more focused on getting all the quieter jobs done,"

Charles chuckled as he carefully placed the firewood down before realising this was his chance and turned his attention back to you.

   "Oh I bet," grinning with a twinkle in his eyes. "Actually, I have an idea that might help keep camp running smoothly and stop people grumbling.'

   "Oh?" you asked, tilting your head with curiosity.

He had noticed in the past that each time you asked a question about something that had piqued your interest, you would often tilt your head in this way and found it utterly adorable.

   "I was thinking of doing some hunting later… a good hearty stew might be what the others need to recover," Charles rushed his words out before looking away bashfully. "I, erm… I was wondering if you wanted to join me?"

   "What? Because I'm the only other person sober enough to safely use a weapon right now?" she smirked, and he felt his insides flip-flop. She was so damn beautiful.

   "That's one reason, but I'd also like some good company," he told her, quickly turning to go fetch the bow from Taima’s saddle.

    "I… I'd like to enjoy your company too, but I'm afraid my pistol is no good for hunting." She lowered her head in what seemed to be disappointment.

   "I can help you with that," Charles told her, carefully placing the bow in her hands. "I made it….for your birthday."

   "For me?" He watched as she traced her fingers over the engravings he spent so much time on, hoping the tears brimming in her eyes were because she was overjoyed. "This is beautiful… but are you sure it's for me?"

   "Of course… a beautiful bow for a beautiful lady.” He kicked himself inwardly for saying it aloud, 

   "You… think I'm beautiful?" Your eyes looking deep into his, searching for the truth.

He nodded. "The most beautiful creature I have ever laid eyes on… I'm sorry, I didn't mean to put you on the spot like that. If it's too awkward, we can just forget the hunting…"

He stopped mid-sentence as you kissed his cheek. The feeling of embarrassment replaced by one feeling like he could soar into the sky right now.

   "It's not awkward at all, I've liked you for a long time but I could never work out if the feeling is mutual." Gently thumbing his cheek, you suggested, "Let's go on this hunting trip and talk about this in private shall we?"

He followed your gaze to see Mary-Beth and John grinning at you both as they stood by their tents. 

Playfully rolling his eyes, Charles guided you away from their gaze. 

   "Sounds like a good idea, wanna head out now?"

   "Lead the way Mr. Smith." You held out your hand and he gladly took hold.

   "Oh wait, you'll need some of these too" he reached back into his saddle to hand you a bunch of arrows… only to be confused as he heard you laughing.

    "What's so funny?" Charles asked, hoping thewhole entire moment wasn't a set up so camp could make fun of him

   "Nothing… just looks like Cupid's arrows found me after all"

[normalweirdoboy]

23-07-21

Yes I'm still alive. Gonna be around for some more year hopefully haha... Ughh I've been so busy with my life lately.

My summer break is on, so I hope I'll be able to be more active for sometime. Got a huge load of assignments to do though.

I've been working on my new novel... Reached 3000 words... My goal for this month is 5000. I know I can write more but I really can't make time for it...

Hope all of you are doing well, been a long time since I interacted with y'all. Thanks for all the support you've shown me in the past. I love you all.

- Normalweirdoboy

[bellascarousel]

I should have known that nightly updates weren't going to happen. So, here's my monthly update. LOL.

Writing

I have not written anything in MAFS, but that's okay. Because what I DID do is get an idea for another book that I think I want to focus on, instead. So, I'm rereading the planning lessons in my writing course and will start writing as soon as I work through them.

I did, however, read through those last lessons in my revision course and started getting ideas. My notes on the tone/mood I want for VSC give me chills. This is gonna be a bit dark, and I love that.

Goals for February are to do the next step in revision for 14-28 scenes of VSC. And to spend the next few days planning my new Historical Romance this week, then get in my 2-3k a week on it.

Fandom

I only managed to post 2 fanfiction chapters this month. I also have not worked on my videos at all. I am caught up on Andi's Haylijah fics, but not on the others.

February's goals are to post at least one chapter of fanfiction a week (writing ~500 words a day, more on days off of work). End goal is to finish LRAT, write at least one or two stories for Kate Week, and start on my Ghost Story AU so that it is ready to be posted in October for Halloween.

Fitness and weight loss

Well, I only actually BROUGHT a lunch to work a few days. But, I've at least been buying Hot Pockets (okay, and chili cheese Fritos), rather than candy bars. I've only had Reese's once, this month. And that was not a lunch, but a treat. And... I found myself not liking it. So, there's that. I had fast food four times. Though, two of them were treats because I was meeting up with my nephew to help him with schoolwork, so I bought him lunch and got myself something too. Only went out to eat because I was too tired to cook twice. Considering I had been doing so two to three times a WEEK before, I am taking that as a serious win. (I admit to not counting my pizzas, but those are semi-planned. A weekly treat, not a "fuck it, I'm not cooking tonight" dinner.)

February's goals are to actually BRING a lunch more often, and to bring a water bottle to work and cut out my afternoon soda. I also actually pulled out my Pilates videos today, and intend to do at least a short video every day.

Cleaning and organizing

Yes, I got my computer table and under it cleaned off. Kept it clean for over a week, so far. We won't discuss that it took me that long to get around to doing something that ended up only taking me half an hour to do...

February's goal is to organize my bookcases. At which point, the area around where I sleep will be mostly organized and tidy. I am oddly excited about this. I also want to better organize my bathroom which is currently a bit of a mess. Also, work on organizing my browser tabs on my phone, which I did not do anything with last month.

Self-development

Not gonna lie, this is the area where everything fell apart. All I managed to accomplish was installing 3 or 4 language learning apps for Italian lessons - then never even looked at them, again.

February's goals are spend 20 minutes a day reading a writing book, and hopefully finish Finding Your Voice. Or perhaps switch to the sections on beginning scenes in Writing Deep Scenes. And actually decide which of these apps I like and work with it every day.

Fun and Hobbies

I finished my game, have been very good about getting in my reading most days (I've read SOMETHING every day, it just wasn't always a full 25 pages), and have been doing a dot-to-dot book my sister got me for Christmas, though not every day on that.

February's goals are to continue to get in my 25-50 pages a day of novel reading, continue to work with my dot-to-dot book, and work on my puzzle more.

All in all, I'm not doing too bad. I didn't reach all of my goals for January, but I made some headway on most of them. And, more importantly, I am okay with not having reached all my goals. Baby steps. I have ADHD, executive dysfunction is a thing and the hardest part for me is starting. I'll get there.

New Year's Resolution time, kiss another year goodbye!

Ahem... Now that I've gotten that out of my system... I spent a good chunk of the past two weeks playing with a planner I bought for this year. It has a goals section, that is really cool. You pick up to six areas of focus, and set goals for each area, and mark if they're projects or habits you want to get into. Then, each month, for each area of focus, you narrow your focus down more. I'm explaining it badly, but bear with me.

My areas of focus this year are: writing, fandom, fitness and weight loss, cleaning and organizing, self development, and fun and hobbies. Yes, I know that it looks like there's some overlap. "Fandom" could theoretically be divided between "writing" and "fun and hobbies". But, splitting it up this way just makes sense to me. Don't try to understand how my brain works. That way madness lies.

So, my goals, both long-term for the year, and what I've chosen to focus on in January:

Writing:

This year's goals are: finish at least the first draft of Married At First Sight, my Historical Romance novel. And get The Vampires Of Sangue Collina book 1 ready for an editor and/or beta readers. To that end, I have also set a goal for a habit of working on both of them every week.

For January, my goals are to write 2-3k a week on MAFS, and at least read through the rest of the lessons in my revision course and make a plan for this round of revisions on VSC1.

Fandom:

This year's goals are: do more reading, especially of my favorite stories/writers. Try to post at least one chapter a week. Get a few of my multi-chapter fics finished. And work more on my videos.

For January, I want to try to finish Let's Run Away Together. Catch up on Plausible Deniability, Seeing Clearly With More Than Your Eyes, and my friend Andi's Haylijah fics. And finish separating season 2 of Bridgerton into scenes to make finding clips for fan videos easier.

Fitness and weight loss:

This year's goals are: lose 20-50 pounds and keep it off. Bring a lunch to work mos days. Exercise at least 3 times a week. Less fast food. And less soda, more water.

For January, I'm just focusing on bringing a lunch to work most days and I want to start using my Pilates videos.

Cleaning and organizing:

This years goals are: get and keep my computer table and under my computer table cleaned. Get my bed cleared off (I've been sleeping on a futon in my room because I need a new mattress on my bed, and my bed has become a catch-all). Organize my bookcases. Organize my shelving units. Watch and follow the videos on this organizing challenge thing I signed up for months ago and did nothing with. And organize my computer and phone.

January I just want to get and keep my computer table and under my computer cleared off, and bookmark and close out the 5 bazillion open browser tabs on my phone. Cleaning and organizing is definitely a baby steps focus area for me. If I try to do too much at once, I'll never maintain it.

Self development:

This years goals are: Read a chapter of a writing book every day. Find an Italian course I like and actually follow it (though, seriously considering trying to learn ASL first, and looking into Italian next year. Still trying to decide). Pull out my keyboard and actually do the piano course I signed up for... years ago. Find YouTube videos and teach myself to crochet. And do a page of handwriting exercises every day.

January's goals are: finish reading Finding Your Voice. And find courses for Italian and/or ASL. (Might also add the handwriting sheets, since they're like 5 minutes a day...)

Fun and hobbies:

This year's goals are: read 25-50 pages of fiction (not counting fanfiction) a day. Play more on my DS and less on silly games on my phone and tablet. Finish the game and puzzle my niblings bought me for Christmas last year. And play more on this website I like with these really fun text adventure games.

January's goals are to get in my 25-50 pages of fiction reading, and finish the game and puzzle.

I also want to do a better job of actually making daily to-do lists and using them to actually get shit done. Set a habit of having a load of laundry washed, dried, and put away all on the same day. Make a habit of "resetting my room to clean" every night (making sure that any area that has been cleaned previously stays clean). Keep better track of my finances and work on saving money.

But! My biggest resolution is to just be kinder to myself. To accept that none of this is set in stone. I have untreated ADHD. Exectutive dysfunction is a thing. Inertia is a thing. And habits are hard to get going. But, to not let one set back completely derail me. I have this habit of, if I miss a day of exercise, I decree that week ruined. And then I have to wait for the start of a new week/month and start over. I'm honestly the same way with most habits I try to create. I need to stop doing that. I need to just pick myself up and keep going from where I left off.

I'll be posting nightly updates to hold myself accountable. Here's to making 2023 my best year, yet! (Honestly, this is not hard to do. I am a bit of a mess.)

[mbergansmile]

Worst of you// part 2

Other Parts: Part 1 

playlist 

Leaning over the bathroom sink, y/n tried to forget one thing . She had kissed her boss. This was not something she had dreamt or something she had imagined in her head. Nope it actually happened and there was nothing she could do except to forget. He was right,no one could know. He had his wife and She had this job. Y/n hands gripped tighter on the sink. It wasn’t even the kiss that was bothering her, it was what happens after the kiss. Usually whenever Y/n would hook up with someone it would mostly consist of making out and drunk conversations. Then she’d leave and never really see them again.Even if she did see them again it wouldn’t be awkward giving the time gap and they would just share a hello as they pass one another. 

But this wasn’t a drunk hook up and she actually had to see him again this time. Her thoughts kept circulating in her head. Not knowing witch Instincts to follow. She obviously had never been in a situation like this before. It was completely new territory for her. 

Y/n had let the water running in the faucet. She placed her palms under the running water and splashed some onto her face. 

“ it’s gonna be fine” she mutters to herself “ Just walk in there like nothing happened “ she continued trying to giver herself the courage. 

“ it’ll be fine”  She looked away from the mirror and grabbed on of the towels and rubbed it on her face. She was going to be fine, she was going to get over this. It was going to be alright.  

                                                                                                                                      Y/n pulls up to the parking lot in her fathers old hand me down Jeep. That Jeep had been in the family for over 2 decades. She remembered riding in it for the first time ever. She was about 12 years old. Before than her father always kept the car in the garage. He would always look at her and say “ This car honey, this car is for special occasions only” It was his most precious possession. The car was a dusty military green with the exception of the roof that was black. 

That day when her father took her riding in the car, she had just overheard a fight between her parents. 

Her father had taken her out that day on a car ride to get her mind of things. But really it was for him. The whole town looked different that day. She looked at the trees and the street lights differently. The things that had looked so casual to her only days before were now suddenly a nostalgic memory. She had the same exact thoughts and feeling when she drove for the first time through her hometown. 

“ you little- watch where you’re going” She snaps, she doesn’t even look up. When Y/n lifts her eyes she’s sees a male. He had pale skin and raven hair.His hair was styled in a prince charming like hairstyle en it honestly made him look younger. His eyes were empty, they looked as if he hadn’t said or seen the outside world for over a month. Dark circles were under his emerald green eyes.Making Y/n wonder what actually had happened to him the day before. He had spilled Doritos. Cheddar floured Doritos, fell out of the bag and onto her. Favourite white blouse. She wanted to scream at him and tell him not to eat junk food near a high state building. That building probably had pencils worth more than that guy.  She couldn’t believe it. The crumps had a light sound as she stepped on the fallen Dorito-chips. Y/n closes the car door annoyed. 

“ holy shi- I’m so sorry” 

“ My names Fionn, I just thought you wanted you know ” He said. Was he seriously introducing himself in this monent. There weren’t sharp stains, in fact you couldn’t barley see them until he tried to get the stain off. Because he already had Dorito crumps in his finger tips it just ended up smudging the blouse more. Y7n pushed his file hands away from her blouse and started walking away. 

“ I truly am sorry “ he continued. She was to far by now to hear anything, if he even did say anything. Her first priority was to get rid of the stain. Y/n looks at her clock and sees that she still has about 15 minuets till work starts. Plenty of time to get her shirt cleaned. Y/n walks over to Janice and leans over the desk eyes her “ you wouldn’t know if we have a washing machine of some sort” Janice looks at her as if she was the dumbest person in this world “ I dunno hot stuff, why don’t you ask the cleaning ladies ?” Janice was clearly not having a good day either or maybe she was just annoyed to be the information guide“ calm down Janice, I was just asking” Y/n replied with a condescending tone. Just as she had cleared her mind a little she remember that she actually had an extra shirt. It was tucked away in her bag, she remembered that she had put it there for emergency’s like this. She gave Janice a small ignorant smile before leaving for the bathroom. Could this morning be any worse? 

   Y/n runs into the bathroom, she checks the time on her wrist “ Shit 5 minuets”she mumbles to herself as she stripped the shirt off her Body. Picking up the new one and put on. It so simply fit her body, even if it was a somewhat oversized sweater. 

Y/n tucked it into the jeans and walked out of the bathroom running over to her desk. 

 Getting to her desk just in time, she threw her stuff beside her chair and sat down. Tom called her into the office. His voice was sharp and stern. A little frightening-yes but she did as she was told. 

“Late again I see” He said. A fake smile form on her lips 

“ I know I’m sorry” The muscular man has wonder in his eyes, it can almost be portrayed as desire. He eyes the woman in front of him closely.Most likely wondering why she was wearing a white aliens are rad t-shirt.  Curling his lips as he utters the words “Would you be so kind and close the door”y/n walked over and closed the huge enchanting door. They were Victoria like almost but still had the brown colour of the wood. She turns around graciously and sits down. Sitting face to face with Tom felt comfortable, weird and it wasn’t something she enjoyed. He wasn’t saying anything to her, he just looked at her closely. Y/n shifts in her chair, her breathing getting louder and louder in her head. 

“I uh” he pauses and puts his hands together, intertwining his fingers and starts to fiddle his thumbs. There was something about Tom that always made Y/n wonder, was this all to much for her.? “I’m sure you know why I want to have a little chat?” She did. She knew exactly why he wanted to talk to her “ obviously the kiss was a mistake a mistake never to be repeated, understood” she nodded.Thomas Stanley Holland was mostly a self absorbed ass who didn’t care about anything other than himself and his company. Y/n knew that and she actually had been debating if she could put up with it. She’d heard awful Stories about him from Tabitha. It was clear to her that Tom Holland was not a good person. “ You may leave now” Y/n got up and started walking over to the big wooden doors.

“Oh and miss y/l/n make sure to see if my father is still set for our meeting later and also don’t let anyone in. I have a lot of work to get done and don’t want to be disturbed “ She nodded and walked out the door. Her finger runs through her hair as she exhales, she had been holding her breath the entire time trying nit to say or do anything stupid. She looks up at her surrounding trying to make sense 

Y/n sat back down behind her desk and called Domenic “ Hello Mr Holland, yeah it’s Y/N Y/L/N Tom’s assistant. I was just calling to check in the dinner meeting was still on ?” 

“Is Thomas being a little paranoid ?” His dark husky voice vibrated through her ears. He sounded like Tom, if Tom was a smoker of 30 years.  

“No sir, it’s just my job to check up on meetings incase there’s been any changed of plans” She explained, lying of course. Tom was being paranoid or at least not never trustful of his father. She wondered how Tom and Dom could sound almost identical but have two different ways of speaking. Dom was well calm and collected to his tone, Tom was the opposite. You could tell by the way he spoke that he was insecure. He didn’t have everything under control and She’s pretty sure that is what Dom thinks as well. 

“Tell my son that he doesn’t have to worry” he hung up the phone. Just as Y/n looks up from the cell phone she had just placed back into it’s operator a female walked past her. Y/n watched for a second before remember that she was not allowed to let anyone in “ Hey Miss you can’t go in there” the gorgeous female turns around and smiles “ Darling, I can go wherever I want whenever I want” she turned to doorknob and walks inside the office ‘Shit I’m getting fired’ y/n thought and got up. She ran after her into the office “ Sir I tried to stop her but she wouldn’t listened, should I call security?” Tom was watching the golden haired beauty with hearts in his eyes “ no need she’s my wife” she just nodded and stood by the doorway. She remembered that Tabitha had mentioned something about a wife. Y/n turns around leaving the office and closing the door behind her. 

I'm so sorry for another shitty ass chapter next one will hopefully be better and be up quicker lol. It’s just I'm currently writing a novel, like an actual young adult novel and I'm really excited and so that is why I haven’t updated. Again I am so sorry I hope you at least enjoyed this.

tags:

@peteryesparker

[frogsandfries]

Yaayyyy!!! My paper!

My 11×17 paper and cardstock arrived today!

Now I just need my printer, paper slicer and stapler and I have my own small press lol. Free Comic Book Day here I come!

I'm also really excited about the prospect of printing my frames for my sketchbooks. Good bye smudgey lines and ink smears and having to complete my corners!! I'm gonna make so many graphic novel sketchbooks that I'm never going to use!

I'm so excited to put together a stack of these samplers. I don't know if it's going to be worth it. I don't know if I'm going to have any paper left after this, but if there is any, I might also publish a few full length, full color copies.

My disposable gloves also came today and I now have two ceramics that my sister sent me that need to be repaired. She sent me this quaint, I think it's supposed to be a ye olden tymmes style piggy bank. But it arrived busted. So I'm going to use UV resin, and hopefully I can find my golden mica, and I'm going to make a small project of repairing it. Then I definitely need to give my next sketchbook, the butterfly sketchbook, as fine a coat as possible.

Ugh..... speaking of incomplete projects, I need to finish the pineapple sketchbook. Even though I purposely/experimentally made the butterfly sketchbook bigger than the ice cream sketchbook, I've finished over a third and rapidly approaching half of an issue since the beginning of the year, just in lineworks. I'm like, imminently almost finished with the ice cream sketchbook after about nine months. Although, also, I need to finish using the Walmart sketchbook too--which is where I'm going to be working when I'm all caught up on my thumbnails.

I haven't even started those tea boxes. I was really stoked about them and then I couldn't find a decent-sized sheet of balsa and now I'm probably just using some chipboard out of my recycling hoard and it's fine, I guess.

After I finish the pineapple sketchbook, at some point, I need to order that checkout card fabric that I'm ordering as the cover for the face-to-face book. Gaaaaaaaahd I can't wait to make that sketchbook, it's gonna be so cool! Hmmmm I should also work on that new print block sometime soon here. I haven't decided what to do with it beyond using two sheets of plastic aida as the cover. Obviously some kind of blackwork or pixel characters makes the most sense........ maybe I'll just do the pseudo head- and footbands and stitch up the cover when I get closer to working with it.

I'm pretty well done with experimenting with scrapbooking paper for covers. I'm not really sure what to play around with next. It could theoretically be fun to make like, a ball bearing maze or a liquid shaker, or to use seed beads to weave an entire cover. It might even be fun to do some kind of junk journaling method to make a board-like collage? Use leftover diamond painting drills to decorate a cover. Have a chunk of top-bound sheets in the middle of the book? There's not really any reason to do a bunch of fold-outs or anything. I want bindings that are fun not like, frustrating to use. That's why I'll probably never do another classic dos-a-dos. But maybe a side-bound that transitions to a top-bound? I bet there's some more fun to be had with my embroidery flosses and stitching my spines. I bet I could have a lot more fun using plastic aida as my book spines. I bet I could use embroidery floss to create beautiful book spines.

[gear-project]

Hello, there seems to be tale of a new Guilty Gear installment rather than an Xrd addition from the recent anniversary interview. Honestly I'm a bit saddened by this especially considering the statement made for newer games to be simpler (I also really just wanted Testament to eventually show up in Xrd with all its crazy mechanics rather than a new game). But anyway, can you confirm how true this rumour is?. Is it really that Xrd has come to an end after what feels like a short time?.

Since Baf0’s conversation on Twitter on the Dengeki Report kinda blew it up, I’ll reiterate it here (since Dustloop posts don’t last forever… full translation courtesy of RedSilverSnake):

—The password to unlock Testament and Dizzy in the arcade version of X was “misosoup,” apparently because a programmer working on the game was overheard saying, “Now I want to drink some miso soup…”[I mentioned this earlier.  FYI GGX also had a button code in the console versions.  Look it up at GameFAQs.]

—The development team was casual with naming conventions at the time, to the extent that one of the ideas of what to call what became roman cancels was “cosmetic galaxy.” [I explained some of GGX history, Roman Cancels are wordplay for Roman Candle, a Firework… this symbolism actually transferred all the way to Revelator when Sol talks about Fireworks in one of the closing chapters of the story.]

—There was a question about Fanny from GG Petit, but Ishiwatari says he can’t answer anything about her because he wasn’t involved in her creation. [Sammy Staff were part of the people who assisted in her creation, but the GG character poll suggested that Ishiwatari wasn’t above putting her in a future game if players still wanted her to appear.]

—Advance had a unique move for Venom that Ishiwatari meant to hide, but it somehow made it into the game. [They describe it as a Bomb technique, which I think was hinted at in Night of Knives as well when Millia clashed with Venom.  There’s an item called Calvados Bomb in MOM Mode that generates poison which might have stemmed from that idea.]

—Not everyone who worked on XX knew that Bridget was a boy, which led to a shocked exclamation from a designer. [Story Mode states officially that Bridget is Male and identifies as Male, wishing to become more “manly” as part of his interests. 4chan be damned.]

—When the topic of the series’ bosses being women came up, it was mentioned that Leopaldon’s gender is unknown, but Ishiwatari says that he thinks the dog piloting it may have been female, thus keeping this tradition unbroken. [Gears can be considered “gender neutral” in some cases, because of their DNA, but yes the Dog inside Leo’s mouth COULD be Female, but we don’t know for sure!]

—Leopaldon’s designer did the effects for Jam’s new super in Xrd. [It was also said that Da Eun, Kum Haehyun’s Head Maid was the girl who appeared in Korean #Reload’s original stage.]

—Overture’s total development time was five years, so Ishiwatari says he has a lot of memories about it. [Black memories, I assume, given the reception. >_>]

—The name of Overture’s genre, melee action, has a double meaning; the “melee” part is homonymous with the Japanese word 命令/meirei, which refers to orders, like the ones you give to servants in the game. [Hopefully they’ll do something more improved in a Crusades-like setting someday ala God Eater.]

—Ishiwatari was fixated on how roman cancels could be changed in Xrd, and Pachi recalls racking his mind over the suggestion that they be possible at any time, even during a downed state. [FYI the only way to cancel a knockdown is to recover before it!  BlazBlue has Emergency Rolls and Quickrise motions for this reason, also there was a hack in Accent Core (PSP version codes) that could allow for unlimited cancels in to anything at one point, so the coding is there for it!]

—One idea that was tested during Xrd’s development was being able to roman cancel KOs, but this caused a bug among certain characters where they’d just fall right after getting up following the RC.[This is where the idea of Resurrection came from (related to the Gill boss character from Street Fighter III).]

—Bridget was #1 on the Revelator poll to decide the next playable character until the very last day, when Dizzy got a sudden boost. [Poor Order-Sol…]

—The staff had specific ideas for other characters in the poll, such as Izuna dashing rather than having a regular walk (like in Cross Tag Battle). [I’m sure he’s still in the works for the next game as Izuna was mentioned in Revelator.]

—One of Haehyun’s attendants actually debuted in the Korean version of #Reload, having been added to one of the stages. [Her name is Da Eun, and she is voiced by Elphelt’s VA in Kum’s Episode!]

—Ishiwatari also says that Xrd is probably finished as of Rev 2, and maybe hints that work has already started on the next real sequel.

Now, on to THIS:

As I said, GGXrd Revelator (excluding the add-on Rev2) is technically the SECOND of the Xrd Series… Rev2 (while it is a standalone game now), is the equivalent of “X Plus” to Guilty Gear X.

Most likely there is production for a THIRD XRD game… Revelator’s story hints at it, AFTER STORY hints at it, even the GUILTY GEAR BEGIN novel suggests something’s going to happen after REVELATOR…

So you KNOW something is gonna happen.  Basically the statement is “We’re done with Revelator Add-ons”, is what they’re saying.

So the next GG is gonna be BIG.  That’s all you guys need to know.  Keep supporting ARC System Works, and maybe (JUST MAYBE) the next GG will get a dub like BBTag has!

All we have to do is support any releases (including GG1 and Accent Core for the Nintendo Switch, Steam, and PS4 releases).  Guilty Gear The Missing Link should be coming in the next few months along with Guilty Gear XX Accent Core Plus R.

I’m banking on this because HAPPY CHAOS (a hinted character) says so!  So you should believe in HAPPY CHAOS!

[aphreal42]

Alistair/Cousland spy and/or secret agent AU. (I'm gonna keep trying and I'll find SOMETHING.)

Does it count if there’s telepaths involved? It’s also kind of a school AU, too, so bonus!

I do have more of that one written that I’m pretty sure I’ve never posted, though, so have a scene that’s a bit more secret agent-focused. 

“Okay, let’s see what you got.” Alexia gestured at the notebook sitting on the table, and Alistair obediently picked it up and started scribbling away.

While he worked, Alexia sipped at her cappuccino and idly watched the other patrons seated around the coffee shop. The place’s high traffic had become a benefit rather than a hindrance when the focus of their sessions became teaching Alistair to conceal his reactions from possible onlookers. Each day, when possible, Alexia met him for coffee after she got off shift and he finished teaching for the afternoon. To outward appearances, they carried on innocuous conversations, two friends catching up on the events of the day. Inwardly, the situation was entirely different.

Alexia chose a scenario or set of events for the day, usually based on a novel she’d read or a case she’d worked, and throughout the conversation she would mentally “let slip” potentially important details about her hypothetical scenario. Alistair’s task was to pick up the relevant information from her thoughts, carry on the verbal conversation uninterrupted and unfazed, and write down all of the details correctly at the end of the session.

Their first few attempts had been fairly disastrous as Alistair failed to conceal his reactions to interesting tidbits or jumbled up the pieces of information by the time he got them on paper. Or frequently both at the same time. But he’d improved faster than Alexia expected, and more recently her focus shifted to training him to report only the things she’d “said” rather than the inferences he drew from the information. Field agents and assets needed to accurately report facts, not speculation; interpretation was best left to analysts who had the full picture to work from. Of course, Alexia knew active field agents who had to be lectured on that subject with some frequency, so the fact that Alistair had gotten to that point in less than a month of part-time training from an inexperienced mentor… she had to admit she was impressed by what he could accomplish when he decided he wanted to.

Currently, Alistair appeared to be ignoring her entirely as he copied down the full session’s worth of information into the “case notebook” where he collected all of his mock reports. Alexia took the opportunity to study him while he was distracted, the cappuccino held in front of her mouth hopefully concealing her expression as effectively as Prospero’s final soliloquy shielded her thoughts.

The way Alistair’s face scrunched up when he concentrated on a difficult mental task was frankly adorable, and she stole the chance to observe whenever she thought she could get away with it. Today’s case – acting as a driver involved in an incident involving international diplomacy and weapons smuggling, a story cobbled together from second hand case accounts and spy novels – hadn’t been intended as anything particularly difficult to remember, but Alistair must be afraid he’d missed or forgotten something crucial. The pen hovered over the paper, no longer moving, and he worried his bottom lip between his teeth as he stared at the page like it held answers. Finally, he huffed out a breath, wrote a few more lines, and then set down the book and pen decisively in the middle of the table.

Alexia downed the last of her coffee before picking them up. She began reading as Alistair picked back up his drink that had sat neglected while he wrote out his “report”.

Making her way down the list of overheard thoughts, Alexia checked off the points that he’d gotten correct in their entirety and added comments or clarification where he’d recorded details wrong or included too much speculation. ”Picking up ambassador at airport” Check. “Delivered businessman’s mistress to hotel for affair with business partner” Speculative, nature of meeting not specified. “Something about my eyes.”

Startled, Alexia looked up in time to catch a hint of Alistair’s smirk not quite hidden behind his coffee cup. She’d thought she’d gotten away with that lapse; he hadn’t reacted at all. Her cheeks warmed with embarrassment, and she acknowledged his skill with a wry grin. I’m impressed; you are getting better. Jerk.

Alistair choked on his mocha, laughing.

Pleased that she could manage to surprise him occasionally, Alexia returned to the list with a satisfied grin.

When she reached the bottom of the page, there was a blank line before the final item, a deviation from pattern. Curious, she skipped down to read that last entry. ”Would you like to go out for dinner tomorrow?”

Frowning, Alexia looked up from the page. “I never said anything about dinner.”

Alistair laughed nervously. “No, that was a real question.”

“Oh…” More lines from the Tempest started running through her head as she stared back down at the notebook, as if the words might have changed.

“I have a meeting. In the afternoon. After my classes. Obviously after classes. I couldn’t have a meeting during classes. The students would probably notice if I was gone.” Alistair chuckled weakly. In her peripheral vision, she could see him fidgeting with the cup he’d set down on the table. “So we can’t do this at the usual time. I thought rather than skip a day and risk me backsliding, we could meet later. And if we’re going to meet at dinner time anyway, why not eat something?”

Alexia nodded. That explanation was entirely practical, and hopefully Miranda and Caliban shielded her moment of vague disappointment. “It would be good for you to practice in a broader range of social settings. I should have thought of that sooner.” After all, you wouldn’t be able to arrange every potential assignment to happen in a coffee shop.

He responded to her unvocalized comment with the lopsided grin she tried not to find so endearing. “So that’s a yes on dinner tomorrow?”

Alexia smiled. “Yes, it’s a good idea. Let’s plan on that.”

[blackrupee]

Wow your life sounds complicated right now I'm sorry for that. So you aren't gonna have any managers what the fuck? And OH MY GOD I hate when people come in to eat so close to close!!!! ( I work @ zaxbys) if someone is acting passive aggressive I would act even more passive aggressive- make that bitch regret it- regarding the 2 guys: 2 guys is better than no guys:))) wish the first one didn't pressure you though. How did the 2nd one hurt you? - and I care so don't worry about boring me

hi hello would you like to read a novel on my life thanks i talk too much (tldrs at end)

nah like.. we had been managing with a general manager and 3 assistant managers even though we really need 4 so as not to overwork anyone. we recently hired a new one from a corporate arbys (we’re franchised) and two just quit. like i mentioned, theyre not coming back even though the original plan was that their new jobs would be only temporary (6 weeks). sooooo now we have a general manager who only works weekday day shifts, one assistant manager who is relatively new (she had been working at this place for a while but was promoted to manager 6ish months ago) and another who is brand new but still has some experience. they said theyre looking to promote from within initially, but they might have to hire outside people if no suitable potential manager is picked. id love to get manager pay and its not like managers do anything hard so id be WILLING to be a manager..like the whole reason why i got trained on backline was because we have such a big turnover rate with backline people since it fucking SUCKS and i was wanting to be helpful and flexible. so like. thats what i offerred. but one assistant manager was like “lmao all youd do is swear at the customers” and im like bitch when have i ever?? i talk shit about them all the time but ive only sworn IN FRONT OF a customer twice and neither time was it directed at them. but i mean im sitting on a small handful of customer complaints so its not like the gm would even consider me probably. idk dude. i can be nice if you pay me to be nice. but i get paid to do food and do it fast……….so

but yeah literallyyyyyyyyy i have no idea how people can be so??? inconsiderate???? and they dont??? care??? im learning that my contant frustration with people in my personal interactions is due to a disconnect between what i value in  expectations and what actually happens. like. when i go somewhere i already KNOW what i want, so i say it quickly and competently. i preface a lot of my interactions with people im requesting food or services from with “i’m sorry but…”. i phrase things as “could i get” as opposed to “get me” or “i want” which sound HELLA rude tbh. id always have my money ready at the window or the register, im always trying to pay attention and not miss anything or just….be rude in any way bc i know fast food fucking sucks. i know some of the people i interact with probably hate their job as much as i do and i want to be the smallest burden i can be. and it seems like nearly no one else has these same values???? and i dont understand how people can just??? be? so? inconsiderate?

also yes bitch im the queen of passive aggression. literally the night before i was working a short shift and my friend was closing frontline and this bitch was closing drivethrough. i just got the okay to clock out and i was like “bye! have a beautiful night! just know that i love you so much and ive everything ive ever said has always been fake until this point! never meant anything ive ever said until now especially if your name starts with k or ends with ristin (drivethrough girl/the one whos being so difficult is named kristin) but just know that i love you!” and basically being really dramatic and extra as satire.

i guess for context the whole reason she decided to be mad at me was the other night when she was drunk and was like “do you even likeeeeeee meeee i feel like you hateeeee meeee wahh wahh wahhhh” even though im like…..yes bitch i enjoy your company? i joke/use hyperbole/satire/irony/whatever a lot but like occasionally id be like “ey yo you know its all jokes right u know i love u right” just to ensure that she knows but she fucking. ignores it all. i feel like she so desperately WANTS me to hate her and tbh i got fucking sick and tired of hearing her complain all the time about this shit! i fucking hate repeating myself! so sure. if you want me to hate you so fucking much there. i hate you. i fucking hate you so fucking much. like is that what you want to hear? is that validating? are you fucking happy?

its so fucking frustrating

but i will not be held accountable for her decision to be upset. because thats what it is. she wants to be upset, and she wants me to be responsible for it when its literally not my responsibility. i am absolutely not going to stand for this shit like i kind of want to say its emotional abuse lmaooo but im just so fucking sick of it. 

everyone knows that i take chicken tenders and turnovers that would be thrown out at the end of the night and she was closing frontline yesterday and made a point to throw out the turnovers right next to me without asking if i wanted any/leaving any for me. i mean i completely expected her to be that petty of a bitch so it was kind of funny tbhonestly. also im p sure she unfollowed me here lmaoo

with regards to the guys and this paragraph could get a bit tmi/nsfw: yeah the first one kind of sucked but i feel like a little bit of the New Person Nerves have worn down so id do better if we were to hookup again. because like i totally would love to have fucked him but…..anxiety. he was hot tho. like 10/10 body and ass holy shit. plus he complimented me on my ass eating so (assuming that was genuine and not a vapid ego boost haha paranoia am i right) hopefully he comes back for seconds. 

second guy ive had a longish history with. started talking to him at the beginning of last fall semester and we hooked up kinda regularly for about a month. things fell apart, we both understood that we wouldn’t be good dating wise but still enjoyed meaningless cuddles. whatever. it got to a point where he would only hit me up like once every month and a half or so and towards like january-ish he hits me up again. so im like nice cool lets chill. im getting ready for this but my phone is in the other room. while im doing this he drove by my place to pick me up (since he was on his way back from nashville), didnt get a response to an “im here” text (bc i was busy and tbh not expecting him to do that), and left. he lives within like walking distance tho so im like “?? sorry i was busy are you still out or should i walk over?“ and he texts me like “sorry hold up a thing just happened” and im like…….okay. so im just.. waiting around for him. periodically texting like “hey are we good for tonight and whats going on?” because like there was some drama with his friend? hes like.. apologizing and shit but this goes on for an hour. BUT. the ENTIRE time he’s dealing with this friend problem or whatever he’s literally on grindr. and at the end of this hour im like in full blown paranoia panic mode and i literally text him something mentioning this and he BLOCKS ME ON GRINDR so im like ??????!!!!??? and i text him (all while saying “not to be crazy or paranoid bc im probably coming off that way but like could i get an answer or something??”) AND HE LITERALLY SAYS HE DELETED HIS GRINDR. but thats a LIE because i have a secondary account to see like……if guys are still on grindr/if a thing with a guy might turn into something more like if i see he’s not on grindr as much?? thats prob incredibly stalkerish and probably really creepy but hey. thats me. so i KNOW he lied to me but i cant really say “hey ur a liar” without disclosing this weird creepy stalker part of me (funnily enough this isnt the first time a guy has lied to me and i caught it with my secondary account! so it proves to have some function use in the end. not totally crazy). so. yeah. that was the incident. after this i dont trust him at all, and i still dont, but i had it in my mind to like somehow get him to fall in love with me just so i could break his heart for doing this? never really worked out. so now im at the point where im like….eh he’s a piece of shit and i hate him but ill cuddle with him bc it feels good

back to nsfw/tmi: the sex was okay. he’s weird about people being near his like….dick and stuff because he was raped and i totally get it bc i was too but he was comfortable enough for me to finger him and my finger still hurts from where he clenched when he came lmaoooooo. was totally hot tho. and i got to east his ass so im like eyyyyyyyy. its been so long since ive eaten ass so having it two consecutive nights in a row has been cathartic.

tldr; we have 2 assisant managers and a gm rn. looking for more

tldr; bitch. same.

tldr; bitch. same.

tldr; he’s a liar