#Honestly the rainbow kiss must've been as magical to Nick as it was to me to get him from here to kissing Charlie

[stopper-my-heart]

Let's break down the sequence at the end of Heartstopper S1E2 and beginning of S1E3 — in which Nick is working on coming to terms with the fact that he likes Charlie and Charlie is a boy — focussing on Nick.

The whole sequence masterfully sets up our understanding of Nick and his headspace via a series of contrasts.

Warning: This is a gif-filled long post with sadness ahead. (If you'd prefer a happier take related to this sequence, take a look at my other post about it.) CW: Short mention of some homophobic practises/issues in the world at the end (those shown in the show at the beginning of S1E3).

The sequence begins with Nick entering his room, but it's filmed through his bedroom window, i.e., from the outside looking in. We don't even clearly see his face. The next shot is of a photo on Instagram of Nick with his rugby friends. To me, this is drawing attention to the fact that Nick is on the outside of his friend group.

The photo itself offers a stark contrast to this idea: Nick is in the centre of his mates, literally being carried and supported by them. His face suggests he's thinking about how the photo doesn't represent reality. The photo is captioned "lads", but Nick isn't a (stereotypical) 'lad'...and may not be 'one of the lads', either, if Nick let his rugby friends really know him.

There's then a brief flash of Imogen's Insta post, which is a photo of likely herself (the person's head is out of shot) and its caption is helpfully centred for us: "stay true to yourself 🥰🌸". (This deserves its own analysis tbh.) We see Nick slightly smiling at it, but we're physically very far away from him and only move incrementally closer.

Next Nick comes across Charlie's photo from their 'snow day'. Nick isn't in the photo, but it is a photo that he took, so although it's a public post that in a way 'can't' have the two of them together in it yet, he's not completely absent from it. Nick's face is immediately much more smiley.

The comparison between Nick's reactions to the different photos hearkens back to the commentary from Nick's mum earlier in the episode (which she made, y'know, the day the photo Nick just saw was taken):

All signs point to: Nick is not true to himself with his rugby friends, (maybe a little with Imogen,) but he is with Charlie.

Back to Nick— Seeing Charlie's photo inspires Nick to switch to his camera roll which is already scrolled to his snow day photos implying that he's looked at them another time recently to look at more photos from their snow day, prompting even more smiling and a tiny laugh. Not to mention, now Nick can finally see his genuine self in the photos he's looking at.

I've been focussing on the scenes with Nick so far, but this whole sequence goes back and forth between Nick and Charlie in their respective rooms and is set up as a contrast between them. Let's look at that comparison to understand the full picture with Nick before we continue on.

We see Charlie from a comfortable/typical-to-the-viewer angle, in contrast to our view of Nick which has been almost awkwardly straight on throughout this sequence, whether in front of or behind him.

Charlie is also relaxedly lying in his bed, directly engaging with his friend group to get their input on the situation with Nick (Charlie's on the inside), compared to Nick who is sitting on the edge of his bed, kind of hunched over his phone, scrolling through photos other people are posting (on the outside looking in, and still only looking in via photos that don't tell the full story).

There are further contrasts between them, too, of course. Charlie is confident about his sexuality while Nick is questioning, so he's not confused or scared by liking Nick the way Nick is about liking Charlie.

Charlie is instead feeling hopeful at the prospect that Nick might also be interested, and we leave him for the episode with his cautious excitement about Elle's news that Tara at least isn't into Nick.

Back to Nick— In the past, Nick's typically experienced or thought about his feelings for Charlie when he's with Charlie or when there are other people around. But this time there's no Charlie to distract Nick from the scariness with his Charlie-ness (and the positive feelings of liking him), and there are no other people around to force Nick to abandon his thoughts or put a mask on.

So when Nick has his moment of fully acknowledging his romantic feelings for Charlie to himself and wondering if that might mean that he's gay (and if so, what does that mean for him?), the contrast with Charlie's fairly straightforward hopefulness and attentive support network highlights how alone Nick is, and with something more daunting.

But Nick is strong and brave, and he's not going to let that stop him.

It's after this that we get the same shot as the first one, from behind Nick, except now the camera is inside the bedroom with Nick and getting ever closer. Nick then even turns toward the camera at the end. The question is: Who is Nick, really, on the inside?

He's ready to find out, even if it's scary.

But because there are no people close to him that Nick could talk to about what's going on with him — no friends Nick can reach out to about how he's feeling, he doesn't know how his mother would respond to this, Charlie is the one he's having feelings for so he can't really talk to him about it — Nick uses what seems like the only option open to him: the internet.

And then Nick is confronted with results about violent hate crimes, conversion therapy, opposition to equal rights, discrimination, not to mention some unhelpful quizzes...so much anti-LGBTQIA+ sentiment and the horrible things that that can lead to, all whilst he's having a complete identity crisis. Nick is so alone and afraid, feeling deeply confused and misunderstood — including misunderstood by himself — and his internet reading has not only not provided clarity or a sense of being seen, but it's even highlighted that Nick may have reasons to be afraid.

And because Nick doesn't have a support network he feels he can talk to about this, he's stuck with these feelings for now.

In conclusion: This sequence breaks my heart. (If your heart is also breaking, my related post may help heal it. Or I recommend watching Heartstopper. If your heart isn't breaking, I blame my post. Go watch the end of S1E2 and the beginning of S1E3 and then come tell me that your heart is still whole)