#Honestly I would advise Dwight to run LMAO

[masquenoire]

checklist

Send “checklist” and my muse will fill out the list below with their thoughts about yours!

"No need to look so nervous, you're in good hands here, promise..."

I find you to be:

[X] interesting [X] cute (not derogatory) [X] attractive (in the twinkish sense) [ ] sexy [X] reassuring (somebody's gotta look out for you) [ ] intimidating (I've seen marshmallows more intimidating than you) [ ] annoying [ ] tedious [ ] terrifying [X] entertaining (boy are you gonna have fun here in gotham)

I think we should:

[X] talk more [X] hang out more (get to know you a little better) [X] date (date more like you hang out while I commit crimes) [ ] adopt each other as found family [ ] fight (friendly) [ ] fight (hostile) [ ] avoid each other if at all possible (you stay) [X] teach you some self-defence moves (plenty of assholes here in gotham would just love to eat you up)

If we spent an evening together we would:

[X] just hang out (I do know how to have fun that doesn't involve killing or torture, promise) [X] talk about deep stuff (you've gotta have some secrets) [ ] cuddle (I ain't really the cuddly sort except on rare occasions) [X] go to bed together (to sleep) [X] go to bed together (to… not sleep) [X] go out and party till sunrise (loosen you up a bit) [X] both get arrested (I'll get us bailed don't worry) [ ] probably wind up killing each other

If we kissed it would be:

[ ] a chaste press of lips (ain't nothing chaste about us) [X] a playful smooch (might do that) [X] swift and stolen (just wanna see those pretty cheeks redden) [ ] deep, sweet, and sincerely meant [X] all teeth and tongue and hot as heck (hope you don't mind it rough) [ ] not happening

If we had sex it would be:

[ ] romantic and luxurious [X] fast, rough and hard [X] against the nearest wall (not waiting until we're in bed) [X] fantastic [ ] awkward [X] a really bad idea (for you? me? who knows) [X] an all-around disaster [ ] not happening

If I woke up and found you unexpectedly in my bed I would:

[ ] cuddle you [X] offer you breakfast (you're probably hungry after whatever happened last night who knows) [X] attempt to seduce you [ ] kick you out [ ] demand to know how you got there (security probably sent you up) [ ] scream

[thiswasasuperterribleidea]

The day he left... & the next 47 psychotic days after...

Things get funny here I swear. I’m not here to tell you all of the extraordinary highs or rock bottom lows of my relationship. It was both very perfect and very horrible. We never had that middle ground… But he was my go to. He was my weakness and as soon as I was with him, every problem melted away and I felt at home.

For some reason this is the analogy I chose for the day he left… Every time I say it I get a weird look. I should probably stop using it and find another analogy. And by probably I mean definitely… It’s a little much…I said it to the therapist I talked to and even her eyes screamed “WOW YOU’RE DRAMATIC AND KINDA CRAZY…” And I literally pay her to tell me that I’m NOT crazy…so that must mean it’s a bad one. But here it goes again…

Do you remember what people said the day of September 11th? Well I was in the 1st fucking grade so I actually don’t… BUT, from every documentary I’ve ever watched I know that everyone said it was a beautiful day. Like it was an unusually perfect day... Skies were blue with no clouds in sight, good vibes all around. That’s how this day was. He left my condo that morning, (the condo that I moved out into solely to ease some tension off of our relationship …YIKES) So, we were not physically together but were texting and laughing. Now I know people say “lol” and have a straight face.. but I know I had him laughing at our conversation. It was a Sunday and my spoiled Italian ass was attempting to make meatballs for the first time alone because my mom has cooked for me my whole life. I had no idea what the hell I was doing or where to begin but I knew I needed STALE Italian bread for the bread crumbs. If you’re Italian you understand why they have to be stale… I just learned and I’m very excited about it! They have to be stale bread crumbs so that the meatballs are crunchy not soggy! DUH… So I called him to rant because apparently in this new shit town I moved to, NO ONE CARES ABOUT ITALIAN BREAD! They only sell weird kinds. No Appicella’s Italian Bread for milessss. I called Darren trying to explain. He had no idea why I was running from grocery store to grocery store for bread. Couldn’t understand why I couldn’t buy a box of bread crumbs for my meatballs. It was funny. I said some other funny things when I was back home making my sauce…and I know he was laughing at me.

The reason this was such a big deal and why it relates to the pre 9/11 plane crash perfect day is because this was rare for us. We rarely ever had good texting conversation we always fought when we were apart. It was what I would consider a perfect day. We were talking normal, he was going to come over and watch a movie that night, probably have some really great sex. Then he said my name. That was all it took. A text came in that read “Francesca” and I felt the mood switch so quick. From the playful conversation that I was so happy with …to seeing my own name on my phone … it was honestly worse than seeing the most feared “We need to talk…” He follows up with a serious “are we ever going to get better?” … Are we ever going to get better?!?!?! I’m over here thinking we’re having a pre 9/11 perfect day.. thinking this is how we’re supposed to be and he’s asking me if we’re going to get better? This is better to me.. this is what I want EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!!!

So what do I do? Pretend to be a hardass obviously…  My instant reply “If you want to break up with me… just do it now.” Next thing I know, the phone rings… and BOOM he ends it. Juuuuust like that. Lmao. It’s actually kind of funny… Like who the fuck did I think I was? Did I think my vagina was THAT awesome or something? Did I actually think that he wouldn’t end it with that being my response? And that’s when my walls came crashing down and the analogy almost sort of comes together. (Maybe not…?) Well being a hardass clearly didn’t work… so I decided to move on to the next best option… DESPARATE AND PSYCHOTIC!!!

First he asked for space... In case I haven’t made it obvious enough yet. I don’t know what the word space means. Also, thank you to my saint of  a Nonny, (No sarcasm intended) ...I didn’t know what the word no meant either. This guy would straight out tell me he lost all feelings for me... and you know what I did??? I told him he was lying. Lmao. Legit said no, you do, you’re lying to make me go away. DOUBLE YIKES. He asked for space, and I didn’t want space. So do you think I gave him space? NoOoOoOo chance. I decided it would be better to blow up his phone with 50 texts and phone calls. You probably think I’m over exaggerating right? 50? No one has time or energy to call 50 times right? Wrong. I’m actually probably UNDER exaggerating. 50 is a low ball. Now this is a pretty much every day thing for a full month straight. But my psycho games were only just beginning...

The next two things I did are two things I will regret for the rest of my life whether Darren ever decides to forgive me for them or not. And... disclaimer ...I am sharing this part mostly because I want to pretend I am giving you all advice... but in reality I don’t think there is a single human being that needs to be advised to NOT do this because I feel like I am somehow the only bat shit crazy girl alive to ever think of this... So if you read this and let me put this crazy thought in your head and you don’t think it sounds like THAAAAT bad of an idea...  please slide into my DM’s and let me save you. First off. I went home one weekend. Just for the sole purpose of doing this by the way ... took my mother’s cell phone and sent Darren a sweet little text. And by sweet little text I mean...some restraining order worthy text where I impersonated my mother- someone who wanted nothing to do with Darren, and tried to convince him we had her blessing and to give me another shot and come over for Thanksgiving and Christmas because hey guess what everything can be perfect now!!!! ....yeah. That was my all time lowest point. Now I can say a lot of negative things about myself. Insecure, borderline crazy... the one thing I can’t say is that I’m a compulsive liar. Everything I said in those texts while impersonating my mother did come from her mouth. I am trying to make this blog light and funny...as a way to cope but this breakup was the absolute darkest time in my life aside from my Poppy passing away. I never felt anything like this. I showed up to work late every day for a month. When I was there I was barely working. I was negative and miserable all of the time. My parents didn’t know what to do with me. But they were there for me in every way they could be. See my parents were highschool sweethearts. My mom never had a broken heart. She had my dad. And she still has my dad. She never didn’t have him or someone. She never had  a broken heart. And that made it very hard for her to comfort me as my mother because she couldn’t relate. Whenever we would talk, she would say “Francesca, We’ll get through this... everyone goes through  a broken heart.” The thing was... NO MA YOU DIDNT!! AND I’M SUPER SALTY BECAUSE OF IT RIGHT NOW...One time she told me she did go through a broken heart because she had and I quote... “crushes” on people before my father... When I tell you I had to get up out of my chair on the back porch and walk myself inside to excuse myself from that stupidity... I just can’t even lol. She was trying, but she was clueless. But she did sit down with me a lot and not all our conversations were that useless. She did promise me that if God ever brought Darren back into my life that she would give me her support because seeing me go through this made her realize all she cares about is my happiness. So I wasn’t a total liar. Only sorta... But the problem was really what I was doing to Darren during this. I was literally hiding behind a cell phone screen trying to change his feelings off of something fake. Literally toying with his emotions. I can’t even imagine what would have happened if he fed into it. Our relationship would have been based on a lie... it makes me sick. I don’t know what I would have done if he hadn’t found out it was actually me texting... which brings me to the second thing I will always regret which was impersonating my roommate still trying to fuck with Darren’s feelings. Cause I mean 1 person just wasn’t enough.. go big or go home right? 

The good news here is... my roommate isn’t that great of a friend in general. But right here in this instance. She was a great one. The real MVP. She threw me under the bus fuckin haaard. She told Darren it wasn’t her, it wasn’t my mom it was no one but me. I am so greatful for that. Well, I am now anyway. Actually as soon as she told me she let Darren know it was me impersonating everyone I literally cried so hard I had to leave work lmao. I was so mad. I honestly felt like she was being the shit friend that she had been before. Like she had some loyalty to Darren or something and not me. It was such a feeling of betrayal. I thought about it for the rest of the day and realized how great it was that she did that for me. Now don’t get me wrong. Darren isn’t stupid or weak and truthfully I always knew that whether he thought he was speaking to my mom or my roommate Danielle... he wasn’t changing his mind on me. But if there was ever a second of weakness for him. Where he changed his mind because of those conversations. Our new relationship would have been doomed before it even started. So I have to give her credit where credit is due and thank her for not giving me the chance to potentially build a relationship off of a lie and being a true friend. I bought her a caramel apple from edible arrangements to thank her... But then I ate it all. I had to go get her another one the next day. 

It got to the point where Darren blocked me. I sent him countless love letters expressing my feelings, tried talking casually, and also tried impersonating anyone I could lol. I tried making my manager Dwight reach out to him and pull for me because they are friends too. I did some crazy shit there too.  At the end of work I would follow Dwight to his car and ask him if he could try and get Darren to give me another chance. One night I even hopped in the passenger seat and begged him until I forced myself an emotional breakdown. I sat there in his car crying and when I tell you this guy looked like he saw a ghost... oh my god the look on his face now was priceless. The way he fake tried to comfort me, patting my shoulder it’s making me laugh just thinking about it now. I was so messy. The next night when we walked out together he made sure I locked the branch door and he deadass sprinted to his car to get away from me lmao. While I know he was for sure telling Darren about my crazy self.. he was a pretty solid friend to me during this. A lot better than some of my “real” friends. We had a lot of laughs and he talked me through a lot. Long story long the bad news is we’ve probably gotten a little to close over the past two months but I guess that’s just what happens when someone is helping someone through something.

The real good news is Darren blocking me was my come up and exactly what I needed.