#Holding things in by avoiding them vs the courage to be honest and independent

[nozomijoestar]

i really like the dichotomy of everyone respecting Nana as their friend off stage (and the darker feeling she has that they All take from her in one way or another except Karen) but inside the stage duels as performers with her as their ultimate test, they're all still prideful enough to treat it as every man's glory for themselves, making it so they can't hold a grudge against Nana outside the Revues because to everyone the Revues are Just Business and a space for words that don't belong outside it- which plays into the repression that's hurting all their relationships, they really thought of everything making this series

[virgomoontarot]

New Moon Pick a Pile Reading, August 19, 2020

I have been wanting to incorporate more communal readings like this, and I am so grateful I had the opportunity to create this for you all this evening. The New Moon signals the fresh start of a new cycle. I would like to invite you all to this community reading, which may shed some light on what new beginnings are in store for you. Please keep in mind, because this is a group reading, it may not feel as personal or accurate as readings conducted independently. If this reading raises any questions for you, feel free to shoot me a message so we can discuss it, or even dig deeper.

I now would like to invite you to close your eyes, and take some deep belly breaths. Release any tension you may be holding within your body. Try to imagine a dark night sky, full of bright stars. When you are ready, gently open your eyes, and pick a crystal that calls to you. This may not be the one you find the most beautiful or unique, but the one that is reaching out for your attention, pulling you in. Keep in mind, the following reading is just for fun. What does this new moon have in store for you?

Selenite

At the beginning of this moon cycle, you are finding yourself in a position of success. Great job, you’re killin it. You’ve leveled up. Your experience is building into wisdom which can provide you the resources necessary to move forward. If you’re in need of reassurance that you’re on the right track, this is it. This moon cycle, you will be challenged in a way that feels familiar. Something is coming back around that has challenged you in the past. So while you are in a more mature and successful place to deal with it this time around, it may feel discouraging to be confronted with a challenge you thought you had already worked through. Hold fast, and remain confident in your success. This repeating cycle is one which will bring forth even more personal growth. But growth doesn’t always feel too great until we get through to the other side. Hang in there. An element of this challenge that is hidden, is one that you are actually hiding from yourself, though you may not realize it. There is an element of denial at play here. You may be avoiding your inner emotions. You must take time for reflection. Slow down. You may be faced with a choice, but none of the options are appealing to you. However, the time has come to address these issues. You may find it helpful to take some alone time, practice some grounding, and ask yourself, what’s really bothering you? What really needs to be worked on? You can’t hide from your inner emotions forever. They will continue to resurface until you sort them out. This moon cycle, the universe is building a flow of energy and opportunity for you! How wonderful! It’s a great time to try and tap into this energy as much as possible and go with the flow. You can’t speed up the process, and you shouldn’t have any doubt. Open the sails and allow the winds of fate to blow you in the direction you must go. Be open to this flowing current of energy, and trust in it to serve you well. This moon cycle, you’re being encouraged to strive for a better relationship with the truth. Relating back to earlier in this reading, you need to be honest with yourself and acknowledge your deeper emotions. I get a sense that maybe some of you like to stay busy so that you don’t have to sit with your feelings. This is not the same as having a healthy intellectual understanding of your emotions. It’s just a form of avoidance. You’re being encouraged to keep it real with yourself. I get a sense that some of you may have some unhealthy emotional habits which are self sabotaging in nature. Evaluate these behaviors and their motivation, so that you can begin to tackle the root cause, rather than putting out fires that have already started. Some final words of encouragement this cycle are affirmations of stability and long term success. Again confirming that you’ve been doing awesome and that you’re leveling up. All this hard work is going to pay off, promise. Keep up the hustle. You are laying a strong foundation for long term growth and success. For some of you especially this is career oriented, but this can also be true in a sense of relationships and personal growth. The reward is coming, just keep pushing through.

Recap: you’ve been doing awesome and you’ve recently leveled up in a sense. This is a sign you’re on the right path. However, repeating cycles are going to emerge this moon cycle, likely because you have some inner work that requires your attention that you have been avoiding or denying its importance. Practice grounding and stay in the moment, and feel the flow of energy moving through as you move around and work through these stagnant inner areas. Strive to keep it real and be honest with yourself about the nature and cause of unhealthy behavior and thought patterns. You will continue to grow your success this moon cycle, and by the next new moon, you will have taken significant steps toward laying a foundation for future success and stability.

Obsidian

This moon cycle calls for resilience. Perhaps you’ve recently found yourself softening in the face of challenges, and if you haven’t, then you will be needing to. Rather than taking challenges head on, which can create more resistance, this moon cycle calls for you to approach opposition with compassion and curiosity.The challenge of this moon cycle is in your ability to open your heart up. There is a partnership, a long term relationship in your life. For some this may of course be romantic in nature, but it could also be a friendship, familial relationship, business partnership, or otherwise. You must open yourself up to this. Now is not the time to be closed off. I get a sense of a lack of trust here for some of you. Some of you have been hurt and are not feeling confident in the ability of others to pull their end of the partnership. You must soften, and rather than viewing this as you vs them, view it as you both vs the problem. View your differences from a place of compassion and empathy. A hidden piece of the challenge here is a significant loss. There is another calling here for resilience and perseverance. You may need to reach out for help now. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. In fact, it is something that often takes courage. Whatever this unexpected loss may be, you must reach out to someone, open your heart and trust that they will do what they can to support you. Life is always going to have ups and downs. Support when we are down will develop into celebration when we are up. This moon cycle, a brand new opportunity is building for you. This is resource oriented. So for many of you this is income or career oriented. For others, this is a new relationship of some kind. For all of you, it is a shift that must begin from within. In order to mold our outer world, we must create a healthy inner world for it to reflect. This means putting ourselves in an abundance mindset. Practice affirmations like “I am successful” “I am grateful” “I have everything I need”. This moon cycle asks you to surrender to the loss you will be experiencing. That sucks. I’m not gonna sugar coat it. This loss is gonna hurt, but you will get through it by the end of this cycle, and new opportunities will present themselves on the other side. You must walk away from what is no longer serving you. You can’t hold on to what’s already gone. It won’t do you any good. Press onward. Strive to accept this change as a force of growth. It’s time to move on so you may ascend beyond this phase of your life. Ouch. Your final words of encouragement here are that this process cannot be rushed. I know it hurts and it sucks to feel down and out. Life isn’t fair, and you just want to push through and succeed and get what you’re wanting and craving. You can’t force these things. You have to surrender and ride this out. But you will get through this, as long as you stay true to yourself and do not compromise your integrity in order to get ahead or get back at those who have hurt you.

Recap: this moon cycle, unfortunately, you will be faced with a great loss. You can’t rush the grieving process, nor can you force the growth process. You must surrender to your circumstances and sit with this misfortune. This is going to be a test of your resilience, but by softening in the face of challenge and being gentle with yourself, you will make it through this. You are strong enough. But no one is strong enough to get through this time alone. You need to find a way to trust someone and reach out for support. This is a key element of this challenge, and it will be your guiding light. Remember that through endings we are delivered to new beginnings, and this somber change is one that is going to bring you to a place of new opportunities which are better suited for you.

Labradorite

This moon cycle has you in a situation where you just have to walk away. If you recently left a toxic environment, this is your sign that you made the right choice. If you’re unsure what to do and have not made a choice, you must walk into the unknown, even if it is sad or frightening, it is for the best. Challenges this cycle relate to authority and structure. If you’re planning on making some moves, you’re gonna be faced with the challenge of laying the necessary infrastructure to make it happen. This challenge could relate to a boss or a parent, or it could be a lack of self confidence. If this is the case, take time to feel empowered and energized. Sit in front of the mirror and repeat after me: “You.Are.A.Badass.” A hidden element of this challenge is a need for tradition and structured practice. You may be surprised how well you fare upon the adoption of a dedicated meditation practice. This could also be a sign you require a menor or a teacher during this time, and it’s hard for you to admit that. The forces of justice are building for you during this moon cycle. So if you’ve been wronged by a person of authority, the truth is going to come out. If you have been dishonest and cut corners in your commitments, the truth is also going to come out. Be aware of this. You are encouraged this moon cycle to explore the unknown within. This is something you must do on your own. Nobody else can do this for you. You are encouraged to sit with yourself in quiet contemplation and reflection. Again, I am seeing encouragement to meditate or spend time in thoughtful prayer. Elements of the subconscious must be explored. Your final words of encouragement today, are that your happiness and success is entirely up to you. Do not place the success of your happiness in external factors, such as the way others treat you, or what you do for a living or the value of your home. Happiness and contentment come from within. By creating a space of self acceptance within, your outer world will be illuminated in a new light that you may find to be far more satisfying. Additionally, you’re encouraged not to indulge in fantasy too much. Be realistic with yourself and the truth of your situation. Set tangible goals that are under your control, rather than asking the universe to simply drop a happy bomb in your lap.

Recap. This moon cycle calls you to explore the sub conscious through diligent practice in order to create a more peaceful inner world. It calls for structure and discipline and quiet contemplation. You must face these inner truths, and remain realistic in your desires. The practice itself, whether it is one of prayer, meditation, yoga, taking walks, or anything else, is what will illuminate these areas of self. Show up for yourself and remain confident in your ability to grow and create a happier state of self.

Feel free to reblog this post or share it with a friend! Thank you all for taking the time to explore what this next cycle has in store for us. I wish you all the best on your new opportunities for personal growth with this new moon!

✨🌑💜

[my-heart-is-but-a-gentle-moon]

This is not yet at the level of understanding, forgiveness, open ended convo I wish to edit it to be, but.

I do know that Jumin and I repeatedly trigger and re-scar our wounded inner children, I know that this is how it is for me with my dynamic with my mom and my problem with restrictions, my need for independence and my usual need to please to feel safe, or having masked my bad sides because of my own fear of my own darkness and the way I learned how to survive.

and him with the video of the little boy with the crayons waiting for his parents’ return, and how scarred and anxious he has been at my own self development on my own and avoidance, that came from, a lot of trust issues and inner confusion.

I heard that you built yourself a network system of friends? That was a relief for me to hear.

I hope you’re not killing yourself with over drinking again ;.

I, towards Jumin I hold warm yet conflicted sentiments as a person but I’m not in love. I do wish for you to continue to blossom though 🌺

At the time I didn’t feel like I could trust you because you were wearing masks, and held a lot of black and white thinking in order to protect myself but it must’ve also been because of my perfectionistic attitude towards myself and others that also pushed you into feeling not enough. I’m sorry to have done that to you, Jumin. I am trying to learn to be more compassionate in my truth towards myself and others.

Yesterday I felt a little alarmed, shocked, terrified, trapped and in a way, darkly proud and flattered at what I learned about you.. Though that’s mean to say. The dark side of desire..I hope you’re doing better with the obsessiveness and controlling side of yours (that I know stemmed from a lot of things between us- my avoidance that triggered your abandonment issues, judgement because of my previous black and white thinking, perfectionism and and lack of communication as well. Lack of self understanding too. I hope that there are genuine friends by your side to support you?

I won’t forget all of the teachings and lessons being with you and having parted with you gave me ((expand, expand - spiritual awakening, my karma and its’ healing, truly getting and being pushed into confronting my darker sides- people pleasing, low self worth/low self esteem, leaning on external validation to feel worthy [though it’s also out of a genuine desire to see people happy and cared for], my leaning into codependency which I didn’t realize I had, stressing myself to push myself so much to help others through auto-accommodation that resentment just piles up and takes over, often times without me having even realized it, our family dynamics, their effects on us and even, destructive defense mechanisms within us both [repressor/distractor/work/drugs/parties/women vs fearful avoidant/shutdown/pleasing/repressor/lashing out (( ;;. Which was destructive, and again, I’m sorry for having hurt you. I was also scared and frightened at how explosive my reaction was. Saeyoung helped me to take deep breaths and listen to myself, to not let our wounds, our childhood trauma to turn us into something we’re not. Aaron Doughtry’s video is also helping me, how important it is to get into the habit of meditating for us to be able to observe our thoughts, .. I want us to be able to be sparring partners of debate, but. hm. And have things, for us to reconcile. But I don’t want it to be in a romantic way. I know that you don’t want to be friends, but then, what is a compromise that could work for us? Cause I do want things to be, playful between us again. I do know that to get there we need to reach this like, deeper understanding of each other. So, let’s go *^*)9 let’s dig up our past hurts, talk ‘em out, understand each other and then forgive each other, as we really need to ;; so that we can end things on a more, hm. Positive/reconciliation/compassionately truthful tone.

Our fight though, on the positive side, also helped me learn of the importance of anger - as well as trying to learn how to use it in uh, a more positive manner..so that I won’t lash out and frighten you again. Which to be honest, )) [which basically just calls for more courage in vulnerability, allowance of ourselves with ourselves and, hm. Each other, yea ^^;. Also! The importance of forgiveness to ourselves and each other for our own self care, ability to start anew as people and to regain our inner peace. - I want to do that, but I feel like for that I need to be able to understand where you’re coming from? I’d like to listen to whatever hurt I caused you with my actions, and well. Mine with yours. [I really don’t wish for you to be piled up with regrets..A fresh new day means there’s always the infinite chance to grow and do better with help of our past selves’ decisions/reactions, and genuine people around us, as well as ! Our supporting angels and the people/animals around us ^^!.] As well as my need to learn how to be more assertive yet compassionate and clear with myself as well in regards to emotional boundaries without avoiding them completely.)) - I’m still in the process of forgiving my own past mistakes and actually taking the lessons and learning from them, and of..well. I want to forgive you and listen to your side of the story as well for that. And for you to be able to forgive yourself as well 💓.

I, though, um. regarding the romantic path I wish and hope to go on..hopefully with Saeyoung if that would be alright with him after I regain my health back.. > < ! I want to raise my vibration for myself and to be with him... if that’s okay with him ^//^’.

I hope you find someone, or even some people - platonic, romantic or otherwise - whose existence can help you nurture your wounded inner child and don’t trigger it. I know that within me, it triggers and triggered things within my childhood in regards to my mom too :x. And I know and realize that my more avoidant self caused you a lot of inner turmoil..

(This is what I scrambled to write this morning - before I saw the open ended, non defensive trust issues article so, it’s. hm. It’s written in a one-sided way, an incomplete way, not as understanding as I’d like it to be for myself and of you..

[tosatisfymystarryheart]

Astrology - Tom from SVTFOE

The Ideal placements of Tom from Star Vs. the Forces of Evil: 

Scorpio Rising * Aries Sun * Aquarius Moon * Aquarius Venus * Taurus Mars

Scorpio Rising

“a scorpio rising appears to be aloof, and mysterious to others. people would fear them, but would realize that they're actually good people once they get to know them.” -  oddastrology

“ How you appear to others, initial responses, and the mask you wear in public. Scorpio: discerning, intriguing, sensitive, secretive, cruel” -  astroalive

Aries Sun + Aquarius Moon 

“You’re romantic, courageous, and adventurous; large ventures appeal to you. You have little use for the trifling or the picayune. You probably have had the advantages of a good family background and the education that goes with it, for a certain aristocracy of breeding is denoted by this position, of which you know how to take advantage.” - ariesonfire

“...there are certain issues you must deal with. In your case, they are an inflexibility and self- importance. Your personal relationships tend to suffer because you are uncompromising and believe you are right. You are speedy in everything and go all out all the time. Unfortunately, you are always wondering why others cannot keep up with this superhuman pace. You are independent, moody and anxious a lot of the time. The Aries combined with Aquarius reveals an individual who is a pathfinder and in search of adventure. The new, the novel and the interesting are what you seek. You are very decisive and filled with tremendous energy. On the Aquarius side, there is an imaginative person trained on the future. Your main feature is a tuned intuition. On the intellectual front, you are fine because you are a tolerant humanitarian. Sometimes you are unaware of other people’s feelings because you are assertive in your individuality. This blindness may cause you to appear arrogant. The thoughts, feelings and ideas of others need to be heard. You may be excited about some idea you have, but patience regarding the pace of others should be taken into account. There is unpredictability in you under your charming façade. Your individual autonomy is something you guard carefully and this means you do not like to get involved with individuals or groups. You can allow this to be almost a phobia if you let it go unchecked; from romance to the job you need to allow some freedom of movement for things to work. In order to be happy in your job and be successful, you must have as much liberty as possible. The unexamined, the new and the radical appeal to the inventive side of you. You are fun to be with, but you are also subject to temper tantrums and emotional explosions. A shotgun blast of anger does burn itself out quickly but you must learn to manage these flare-ups. Some of this needs to find a constructive means of release. Your Moon in Aquarius means you can be grumpy. To avoid some of these stumbling blocks, you would be wise to make an effort to avoid stressful and tense situations.” - universal-tao-eproducts

Aquarius Venus 

“Venus Aquarius guys and gals think different.  They're known for having social stamina, and extending friendship to an eclectic mix of people.  They tend to look striking in some way, or have a strange style sense.  Some are ultra chic and clean, others fall in the edgy camp, with a high shock factor, like piercings or tattoos, etc.  Even if Venus Aquarius outwardly blends in, there's likely something unusual about their mindset.  You can be maddening when you're in crusader mode, with a slight tinge of self-righteousness ... Aquarius in love (Venus) brings an original, totally independent outlook to relationships. There's a good chance that you'll make surprising choices in love.The social label on them by race, class, religion, is as ephemeral to you as someone's hair color. This gives your love life the look of unconventionality, and you may end up shocking people in the process!” - astrology.about.com

“Aquarius Venus is open-minded and has an eye towards the future. They want to be seen as rebellious, unique and maybe a bit provocative. They don't follow the mainstream in love. They are attracted to unconventional relationships; the more unusual, the better. They don't want to follow the rules, but are not above making some of their own. They are friendly to everyone, but not everyone warrants personal attention from this Sign. They are generally popular and well-liked, and they often have a sparkling personality.” - alwaysastrology

His Aquarius Venus SQUARE His Taurus Mars

“Love and hate are very much mixed together for people with Venus square or opposition Mars in their birth charts. They are prone to love-hate relationships with others, likely because their passions are such that the old saying “there’s a fine line between love and hate” rings especially true. Some level of competitiveness, anger, frustration, or angst is present in their romantic relationships. In some cases, abuse is present, either in the form of receiving or giving it. Although they are quick to anger, they are generally just as quick to forget about it.” - cafeastrology

“Venus square Mars in the natal chart brings intense love-hate feelings into relationships, especially intimate relationships. Any irritation at loved ones can rapidly escalate to anger and temper tantrums. Yet this intensity of feeling subsides just as quickly as it builds, once the pressure valve has been released. So the lesson with Venus square Mars is to gain more self control over the volatile passions, to work through them in a mature fashion with the loved one. Open and honest sharing of these deep feelings will help to achieve the strongest desire, which is usually a stable and harmonious, lasting relationship.” - astrologyking

Taurus Mars

“Mars Taurus with Sun in Aries: You have the staying power to back up your impulsive nature.  You're more likely to finish what you've started, and to be loyal.” - astrology.about.com

“Once he has made up his mind, there is very little that will change it- adaptability is not Taurus’ strong suit. Likewise, once he has achieved his goals and acquired whatever it was he desired, he is reluctant to relinquish it. This goes for relationships too.

If his comfort or security is threatened, he can be possessive, jealous and down-right bullish… raging bull-ish. Whilst slow to arouse, the Mars in Taurus temper is powerful indeed. Head down, horns up, red haze behind the eyes, nostrils flaring and charge!Mars in Taurus can also hold a pretty decent grudge when he needs to and will maintain the rage long after its’ best by date. As such, your calm, patient and tolerant Taurus man can become quite cruel and vindictive in the case of a nasty break-up.” - jotracey.com.au

“Men born with Mars in Taurus are slow seducers who often facilitate a long romantic courtship with their partners.  They may leave little love notes and flowers, slowly working up to verbal flirtation and then the first romantic and passionate kiss.  They are very romantic. They understand the art of seduction and actually feel it to their core. They don’t fake it. They do not give their love away easily and take great care in pursuing their love interest.  

These types can be very shy with someone they love and can get very fixated on a person.  If the person they are interested in rejects them. They will not easily let it go.  They may fester for a very long time and may behave very dysfunctionally as a result.  

If you make a man with Mars in Taurus mad, he can ignore you for a very long time.  he won’t want to fight you. They are aware of their temper and their strength and they prefer peace.  They are usually not the types to allow themselves to get easily agitated.  They will try to live peacefully for as long as they can. But if they are pushed to their edge they will go off. They will lose control and totally go crazy on a person or on many people.  Its best not to anger these types, they lose control whey are angry.  They go absolutely insane crazy when they have finally allowed whatever has been annoying them to break free. They totally explode.” - astrophilosophy

[nomadmanager]

What Happened To Jen Horn? : The Year And A Half That Has Passed - A 2016 Review (and 2017 so far)

For a long time, I stopped writing.  I stopped writing for me. 

Apart from my annual review/preview + letter to self, there was not much other writing I’ve done for personal release (as people did back in the Livejournal days, for those of you old enough to know it) in the past 4-5 years. And I’m months overdue on this year’s letter to self and my 2016-2017 review/preview. 

What’s held me back all this time (apart from the excuse we like to tell ourselves that we’re busy, etc.) is that I was avoiding writing things down, largely because I was afraid to admit to myself of how little I had accomplished of the goals I had set for myself in 2016, and furthermore, how little I knew of what I wanted to happen in 2017. I was hiding from the world because I didn’t want to have to admit failure or be forced to aspire to do more merely because of social pressure (even when that was imagined).

About a week ago, I started a half-assed effort of writing again. I wrote word vomit that I kept to myself, because I feared judgment from those who might read my words. I would be exposing my private, personal thoughts that I felt have nothing to do with the work I do, and I felt it would do little to help others in the world. I was still hiding.

But then, I’ve always felt and written differently when I imagined at least one another person reading my words, so I thought it was still essential that I post this publicly. And who knows, maybe you can relate to it a little bit and find a nugget or two to be useful in your own life. 

And to give myself added courage, I reminded myself: 

“Jen, this is for your personal blog. Who cares what other people think? You’re afraid they’ll judge you because you were fearless enough to put your honest pain, joy, fears and dreams (or lack thereof) out there for their possible consumption? Then they have a problem, not you. This is your space. Use it for your catharsis if you wish. There are plenty of other places in cyberspace where they can choose to spend their time. If they don’t like your self-indulgent whining or whatever, and yet they continue on reading, then they’re the idiots, aren’t they?” 

And so, here we are. You may go, or you may stay. 

If you choose to stay, prepare for a looooot of possibly incoherent word vomit about what’s been up with Jen Horn (though I tried to organize the following 4,000 words a bit) and a looooot of my personal story and feelings. If you go, ciao. 

THE YEAR (AND A HALF) THAT HAS PASSED ^ That being considered, this post is still pretty short. 

So much has happened since the beginning of 2016, and simultaneously, it also seems I was stuck in certain aspects of my life. If you’ve wondered what’s been happening with Jen Horn lately, here it is. 

For a good part of the past year and a half, I spent it wavering, doubting what I ought to do next with Muni, and my life in general. It was obvious to me that I remained lost in figuring out the right business model to keep running it sustainably without sacrificing values of sustainability and social good. It was also clear to me that I was losing the steam I once had in the earlier stages of Muni – back when it was an informal movement, up to its earlier stages as a formal institution. 

ACT 1: GERMAN WINTER & MANILA SPRING (CLEANING) 

The DO (and Don’t) School + Dealing with Cancer 

I had joined The DO School’s Entrepreneurship for Good program in January 2016 in Berlin with the hopes to get clarity and growth for Muni. Instead, the unintended effect of it making me reassess things, is that it made me cast greater doubt in Muni and in my desire and motivation to continue with the status quo vs. going off to start something anew. 

While I was in Berlin, in February, about a week after my birthday, I found out my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. I tried to be there for my mom, even as I was 10,000 km away. More importantly, I tried talking to my dad, so that he could support her vs. stress her out, because I do know how they can get, especially when they don’t see eye to eye and want to impose their own ways on the other. 

Upon my return to Manila from Berlin in March, I dove right into family + work -- with my mother’s dilemma on how to deal with her cancer + MUNI Market 2016 already pre-scheduled to happen in Nuvali in May. 

If you were in my wormy brain in late 2015, then you’ll know I had already been rethinking Muni back then. So by this time in 2016, I was becoming increasingly fatigued by the thought of the work, wanted a more full time team but couldn’t afford it (nor commit to affording it), and I missed creating and traveling and doing things for me. And frankly, my mom’s situation made me rethink my own life and what I valued while I was trying to help her realize what brought her meaning in her life.

Healing of the body (which we did explore with several doctors) has a lot to do with healing the mind and heart, through meditation and such (not as popular with most doctors, if not done alongside other conventional means), and I was exploring some of that with her from April to June with various meditation apps, books, checking out some local meditation classes or retreats. She wasn’t into all of that, save for the occasional Headspace session, but I tried to lighten her psychological-emotional burden or stress when I could, even in other ways like just talking (or listening) to her.

On Firing Up Motivation vs. Being A Vegetable

Shortly after the Muni Market concluded on May 21, we also organized a Muni Meetup on Motivation on June 9, to revitalize demotivated dreamers and doers who we believed should still have the courage to go on. 

The truth is, it was as much for myself as it was for the Muni community. And even when we got raving feedback about how it encouraged and inspired attendees to act boldly and soldier on, it did not seem enough to lift my own spirits. I felt like I lacked the motivation to go on and I didn’t know how to gain it back. I had called for a planning meeting with my core team after that meetup. However, instead of discussing next steps, I wound up breaking down in unexpected tears. I asked what would happen to Muni without me? Would they soldier on? And is it even really valuable or was I just being self-important?

For two weeks in June 2016, I was pretty much a vegetable. I went on ridiculous Netflix binges, until I finally resolved to get my shit together. I de-cluttered my physical and mental spaces; sold more of my unwanted / unneeded belongings; booked myself in a Vipassana meditation retreat in August (because ironically, while exploring meditation more for my mom, I found that I was revisiting it more for me too), all to help me really reassess what I valued.

ACT 2: SPANISH SUMMER 

Eat, Pray, Love (in 17 days, with parents – lol)

The 10th to the 27th of July 2016 would also find me in a surprise trip to Europe, a 17-day whirlwind trip through some parts of Spain (Barcelona, Madrid, Seville), France (Lourdes) and Portugal (Lisbon, Fatima) with my parents. They had been initially scheduled to go with other friends in March, but had to postpone the trip when they found out about my mom’s diagnosis. 

 Worried about traveling alone with my dad, my mom wanted a younger and more travel-savvy person to accompany them (since they were no longer traveling with their other friends), and I suddenly found myself in the continent again. It was not a trip I was supposed to be on. And while the thought of going around Europe (this time on holiday) was appealing, I was also worried about extended travel with my parents given our history of stressful family trips. 

Somehow, we survived each other. It was a relatively stress-free family trip considering the duration of the trip, unfamiliarity with the countries, and constant moving around. It was actually really good. 

The Day I Had For Me 

In the days leading up to the end of the trip though, I felt myself getting antsier, not because of parental squabbles, but more of just me wanting some of my own time away from them during this trip. 

And so, on day 15, I managed to find a long stretch of alone time, and meet someone (let’s call him L) who would largely shape the year to come. I’ll spare you the cheesy details, suffice it to say, it was a connection that I had never had before. And we were determined to see each other again somehow. Maybe the next summer, who knew? 

More Days I Made For Me 

On the 27th of July, I left Spain, and by August 3, I would finally push through with a 10-day Vipassana Meditation Retreat, after 4 years of putting it off. 

I had hoped I would get me more balance, clarity on Muni and what I want to do with my life. What I emerged clear about was that I wanted to go back to Europe before the year was over. If the connection I made with L was still present (or stronger). It was. And so I made plans to. 

Not long after I had gotten out of Vipassana (a few days after), he also paid me a surprise visit in the Philippines for a week. It was possibly one of the happiest times of my life. 

“I think anybody who falls in love is a freak. It’s a crazy thing to do. It’s kind of like a form of socially accepted insanity.” – Amy, Her (2013) 

And so, I told my closest friends and my Muni team about our story, and my intention to go see him for a couple of months. They were supportive of the insane pursuit of love, and agreed to hold the fort from November 1 to January 11, as we only had one scheduled meetup for December. 

I kept the reasons for my trip from majority of the population secret because I still find it mildly cringe-worthy that I, Jen Horn, strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a man per se and has her own thing going for her, would travel that far, and essentially put her life on hold for a couple of months for a boy, well, a man, but you know, a boy. 

But it was the only thing that made sense in life at the time. 

From August to October 2016, I would then run a few more events for Muni (our scheduled workshop series) and do some marketing/event consultancy, while also selling more stuff on Carousell to augment my income and declutter at the same time, and spending as much time with family as I could. 

ACT 3: ITALIAN FALL 

A Life Without Muni 

For a long time (read: about a decade, give or take – so yeah, a long-ish time), I’ve gone back and forth between with the desire to live for something greater than myself, and the desire to live according to my whims and desires, or whatever I thought they could be, even if it was: “to get by through life with as little effort as possible”. 

To create something greater than one’s self requires commitment, something I wasn’t sure I still wanted to give by the time I had my mini-meltdown in June, as I felt like maybe I wanted to do different things already. They (motivational speakers, life coaches, and peddlers of The Secret) say we can attain what we want for as long as we have clarity, or a solid purpose. I wasn’t sure if I wanted the same things I thought I wanted before. 

In 2012, when I had my pre-Muni quarter life crisis, I thought I had found it when I came up with Muni. I wanted to be a brainwasher for the good of the planet. I wanted to share what accessible solutions were out there so regular folks could shop, eat, travel and live more sustainably by creating content, a community, and a gathering similar to what the Muni Market has become today. 

I wanted to connect like-minded individuals, and start conversations that paved the way for paradigm shifts and an empowered way of thinking of our impact, in spite of the bleak state of the planet. I wanted people to rethink their preconceptions, speech, habits and behaviors, and in turn, influence others to take up more conscious choices as well. 

That was good enough for me.

It would seem that I had more or less accomplished what I sought to do with Muni (though it didn’t help that I didn’t set quantifiable goals from the beginning), but generally, I felt at peace with moving on. Doing more consultancy work instead of forcing the issue on getting cash sponsorships for Muni events. There’s a lot of other things I could do with my skill set and my network in the Philippines that could provide more decent pay with less risk (because I wouldn’t be independently mounting an event and just praying it break even). 

The Blue Pill

From the time I left Berlin in March to my mini-meltdown in June, I hadn’t figured it out. I gave myself time to think about it more. Besides, I had other things that were keeping me happy in the meantime.

I was off to Europe to spend time with someone who made me feel the happiest I had felt so far. I was high and hopeful.

Normally, I’m guarded when it comes to matters of the heart. I don’t immediately let people in. Neither do I immediately go all out. So, the fact that I let my guard down so easily when we met, quieted my normally over-analytic mind, and traveled 12,000km with the sole purpose of spending time (2 months!) with someone I had spent not more than 8 days with at that point, was crazy.

I had no clue what I would do in Europe apart from be with him and learn more about his daily life, his work, his family, and try to expand my network in Spain (and Europe in general) and look for potential work opportunities. (Admittedly, the efforts I did for the latter were half-assed, and I know I could have tried harder.)

We had a glorious time. In November, we spent a couple of days in Paris (then I spent some days with the Philippine delegation for COP22 in Marrakech), and several days in Naples, Rome and Venice, until finally going back to Madrid where we played house for a little over a month. It was one of the best times of my life, up until the final days before my pending departure, when we dread having to be apart.

From the get-go, a long distance relationship was not something either of us wanted. And prior to me going to Europe in November, neither of us had really thought through what I might be doing on that side of the world. Between L and I, he had the more stable gig, which required him to be in the continent. So the question was always, what would I do in Europe if I moved there?

The Red Pill

I still had a lot of what I felt was unfinished business with Muni, and with my country in general. We still had the upcoming Muni Market in 2017, and I wasn’t quite ready to let it go yet.

Other things I was considering earlier in 2016 included the possibility of further studies on Environmental Psychology in the UK (if I managed to get a scholarship), and other creative pursuits like content creation, painting and such, which I could technically do from wherever.

But assuming I got the scholarship, I would have wanted to apply those lessons in the Philippines too. And I still have a hard time aligning with the idea that I could make money with creative personal work vs. doing mindful marketing consultancy or other things related to the work I did with Muni. And for consultancy projects, it would be easier to get them in a country where I’ve already built a considerable network and reputation (and in a country whose language I actually speak).

So as my stay in Europe was coming to a close, and I had no answers yet, I was sad and worried. But I remained hopeful that what L and I had was strong and that we would figure it out. 

ACT 4: TROPICAL DEPRESSION

The Beauty of the Philippines

When I got back to Manila in January 2017, I actively did the pre-work I needed to do for Muni Market 2017 set in April. Good news also came when my mother’s PET scan came out clear.

In February, my love for traveling within the Philippines was re-established when I spent some time with the parents and accompanied them on short trips to Quirino province, and Bagac, Bataan, and also in Subic for a forum on Responsible Travel, which also showcased some great things happening in the country, travel-wise.

It just made me re-realize that, damn, there really is so much to see here, and there’s so much work I could do here too. On top of all that, that month, I found out that I didn’t get the scholarship I had hoped for, and work opportunities I had applied for also fizzled out – less reasons to be in the Europe.

With a renewed appreciation for the beauty of my own country (in spite of the political mess and the bad rep we may have with foreigners as a result), and without clearer opportunities in Europe, doubt had begun to creep into what I previously thought was a stronger fortress that L and I built.

No matter where I went traveling or for however long, I would always regard the Philippines as home. And it seems that even if I did find something to do in Europe and managed to do some work in the Philippines (remotely for a large part), no compromise could be made for me to spend even a couple of months in the year back home.

The Unknown

We also did (or didn’t do) certain things that made our relationship stand on less solid ground, like not having a definitive date to see each other again, or making plans but having work constantly get in the way, or simply not being as present (even virtually) for each other. It didn’t help that we would have these conversations over Skype calls (or worse, through What’s App messages) vs. in person where we could kiss and make up to make each other feel less shitty. Repeatedly watching La La Land did not help either.

There was also the issue of kids, which had been brought up before but not thoroughly discussed. While L would say he didn’t know where in the world he would be or what exactly he would be doing in a couple of years (he claimed he was not a planner like that), one thing he knew for sure was that he wanted to have kids eventually, whenever that would be.

I’ve never been comfortable with the idea of having my own children, so much so that I’d already told my mother years back not to expect any grandchildren from me. Though admittedly, he made me start considering it, thinking maybe I just hadn’t met the right person at the right time in my life yet. This is not to say that I now actually wanted children, or that he was necessarily the right person, or this was the right time, but he actually made me start to really rethink something I thought I had been so sure about for myself.

Lights Out

There were just too many things I would have to reconsider about how I wanted to live my life if we were to make things work. And so, with all these things combined, the fire that burned twice as bright, burned twice as fast. And before February was over, we had decided to break it off.

We busied ourselves with work, coped with the pain of the loss in our own ways. I thought I was okay; I remained fairly productive in the first couple of weeks of breaking up.

Then I struggled with a major logistical / organizational issue for the upcoming Muni Market (a month before it was scheduled to happen), and this really, really stressed me out for at least a good week. And after discussions with the concerned parties left the issue unresolved, I experienced something akin to a panic attack.

At some point during that ordeal, I posted “This too shall pass” as a status on Facebook, which prompted L to ask me if I was okay. I wasn’t.

And while I was glad he was concerned, it also opened an emotional floodgate. I couldn’t imagine life without him. We chatted a bit, but tried to keep some distance. I binged on This Is Us. I sent him a heartfelt email, and we agreed to go on a call when the craziness of the Muni Market was over. 

Limbo

Muni Market 2017, with its well-attended and well-received meetups with topics ranging from fashion, communication, food, travel and waste were a success. And the question again was: “When is the next one?”

When is the next one indeed? This was the second year that I ran it thinking, will this be my last one? Is it time to move on? But each time we run it, and we get feedback from the community that it was such a great experience for them, and that we need more of these, it makes me feel like what we do matters.

I constantly wonder if the work we do could essentially be done by some other groups, since from the time Muni was born, more like-minded groups have come up. But I am constantly told there is value here. It’s just about deciding how I might continue to serve the community while harnessing more of the value for myself as well vs. just getting caught up in the work.

Simultaneously, I felt like I made a mistake and broke up with L too soon, without having more discussions or exploring more options or waiting it out a little longer. And so I reached out, asking if we might continue trying. I gave him time to think. We went back and forth again about when we next be able to see each other. It was not an easy time.

From the time we got together, I had to condition my mind about living life one way, and then the other, and back again, and back again, and again, and again. Not knowing where to stand, and an extended feeling of not being on any solid ground is nerve-wracking and insanity-inducing.

Meanwhile, tired of feeling pathetic and taken for granted and generally not liking the person I was becoming, with a prompt to carry on with life without him (while he took more time to think), I did. 

I sought opportunities locally, and finally settled on a short-term consultancy project for a sustainable tourism project in El Nido, Palawan from May to June 2017. It kept me busy, like, really busy, that I had almost no time to think about my feelings.

By the time my project contract ended though, I thought it was also more than enough time for me to get a more definitive answer from L if I should stay or I should go. In April, I was ready to drop things to try again with him. But the longer it took for him to decide, the less confident I was that it would be a good decision. Perhaps it was just a refusal to let go of something that represented the happiest I had been so far, and an escape from the world as I know it.

And while the week before another fateful conversation in early July, we were making plans to see each other in August, our conversation was about us having our moment, and losing it. We lost it when we didn’t make firm plans to see each other in May. Or when we couldn’t make plans to see each other in March or April. Or perhaps we lost it earlier, when I left Madrid in January.

Whatever the case may be, it seemed that we were right to break up earlier in February. And we simply regressed when we should have been moving on.

With that sealed, clean and clear, I was on a fierce mission to move on. I made month-long travel plans (to leave within a week in a few days after that conversation), got back on Tinder with a vengeance, and sought comfort in the sea. I’ll save the details of that for ACT 5.

Suffice it to say that travel and the sea helps, and as much as I think I prefer nature vs. people, talking to certain people who you meet along the way helps more – whether it be about your heartbreak, or what you would like to do with your life moving forward, or simply learning from them, about them, and their life experiences. Tinder, not so much. Or if it does help, in my case, it only serves to make me realize what I don’t want (even when I thought it was what I wanted).

After a month of visiting friends and traveling through Negros and Cebu, I’m now back in Manila. I’m on the road to recovery from heartbreak, and hopefully sorting my shit out and getting my act together, as I’ve seen myself experience a Renaissance after going through these types of things. The only way out is through. And hopefully, I emerge from it better and brighter than before.

If you’ve read all the way to the end, thank you for sharing your time. I’ve only started to let you in on the story, and my personal, selfish dilemmas. Perhaps more reflections and insight will follow in succeeding posts. 

You may not agree with the choices I made or didn’t make, or how I’ve dealt with things, and you can keep your judgment to yourself. But if you empathize with anything I’ve said, or feel less alone, or possibly more hopeful that things will get better, then I send you love and high fives. 

To brighter days ahead, Jen