#Hm. I've always had mixed/complicated feelings there.

[babacontainsmultitudes]

Also... Post-canon lovesong... If you even care... "Is Sparrow still with Rebecca?" that part is a choose your own adventure babeeey~

[mysteryshoptls]

SR Silver Lab Coat Personal Story: Part 1

"If it could be cured, I would rid myself of it"

Part 1 (Part 2)

[Alchemy Workshop]

Crewel: ―Asim and Silver, from Class 2-A!

Crewel: Do you understand why I only kept the two of you here after school?

Silver: Because I fell asleep during the test…

Kalim: Is it 'cause I broke 5 beakers during today's Potionology class?

Crewel: That's correct. The two of you are bad boys for constantly falling asleep, and destroying equipment...

Crewel: Therefore, I shall have to punish the both of you.

Silver: Punish… In the form of a supplementary class?

Crewel: That's right. Your remedial task will be to "concoct a sleeping potion"! Is that not the ideal assignment for someone who likes to sleep as much as you?

Crewel: I will not give you a passing grade in Potionology until you successfully craft one!

Kalim/Silver: Eh…!

Crewel: If you have problems with that, then you should reflect on your actions and do your assignments properly. ＴＨＡＴ’ＬＬ ＤＯ!!

Silver: It would be an embarrassment indeed if I were to fail a class, especially as one of Malleus-sama's attendants.

Silver: I will need to make sure to perfectly concoct the sleeping potion.

Silver: Kalim, I plan to stay right here and craft it, but what will you do?

Kalim: Me too. It definitely won't look cool if a Dorm Leader fails a course, so.

Silver: Alright. Then, let us begin. What page was the instructions on, again…?

Kalim: Wait, Silver! It'll go a lot faster if we ask Jamil to explain it, instead of flipping through the textbook.

Kalim: If you just keep trying to read all that small print, you'll probably end up falling asleep again.

Kalim: I also start to feel sleepy whenever I'm listening to complicated stuff, so I feel you.

Silver: Well, I'm actually not falling asleep because the class is difficult.

Kalim: You don't have to hide it. 'Sides, Jamil's really good at making potions, as well as teaching!

Kalim: If we have him teach us, then we'll totally be able to get this sleeping potion done easy. Just hold on, I'll be right back!

Silver: Ah, wait! …He left before I could stop him.

Silver: …But, does he really think that I start to feel drowsy because of my studies…?

Jamil: …So, you two want me to help with your supplemental lesson… Hm.

Silver: Sorry, I tried to stop him…

Kalim: Will you help us?

Jamil: It's a little too late to back down now, after you dragged me all the way down here to the potionology lab.

Jamil: I'll help you out for now. As a Vice Dorm Leader, I'd like my Dorm Leader to not fail his class, if I can help it.

Jamil: Looks like you have all your lab equipment. Okay, so go ahead and start concocting the sleeping potion now.

Jamil: I'll let you know if you've made any mistakes.

Kalim/Silver: Yeah! / Alright.

Silver: First, we measure out 5 grams of "duskweed"… Good, there we go.

Kalim: Then we throw it in with the bay laurel seeds and mix mix mix!

Jamil: Wait, Kalim! You're being too rough. Do it just like the instructions say.

Jamil: Be delicate, careful, and precise when mixing. That should be the fundamentals of potionology!

Kalim: But Crewel-sensei throws his potions together like this, y’know?

Jamil: He is the Potionology professor, here at Night Raven College. Don't try to equate yourself to him, especially when you're on the verge of failing.

Jamil: Students like us who haven't even mastered the basics should take our time and be more careful.

Jamil: That means you, too, Silver.

Silver: …Zzz.

Jamil: H-He's asleep!? Under these conditions!?

Kalim: Maybe your explanation was too long? Ahahah!

Silver: …Ah! Did I fall asleep again…?

Jamil: Yeah. While leaving me in the lurch trying to teach you.

Silver: Sorry… For as long as I can remember, I've always had these sudden bouts of drowsiness that I can't fight…

Kalim: Yeah, yeah. I get sleepy when I gotta study, too.

Silver: No, but it isn't just when I am studying, or listening to complex conversations.

Silver: It is because that I do not know what causes this drowsiness that I am constantly encountering hardships such as this.

Silver: Even doctors have given up on me, so I don't believe it's an illness… It must be that my own laziness is causing my drowsiness!!

Jamil: As in, you're unconsciously being lazy?

Silver: That can be the only conclusion. …However, if it could be cured, I would rid myself of it.

Kalim: I just thought of something good! Let's make a waking potion now!

Jamil: Here you go again with another unnecessary thing… What about your assignment?

Kalim: Don'tcha think we should try to stay awake to focus on our assignment, anyway?

Kalim: So, like, whenever I have to go to a ceremony, or a Dorm Leader meeting…

Kalim: Jamil usually makes me a waking potion!

Silver: Can we…!? I do not know how well the potion will work with my condition, but if we can, I would like to try.

Kalim: Alright, now that that's decided, let's get going! I think we can get most of the ingredients from the Botanical Garden!

Silver: Kalim, I owe you a debt of gratitude… Let us head there quickly and gather the materials!

Kalim: Yeah!

[runs off]

Jamil: Hey! The Botanical Garden doesn't have everything you need, you know!

Jamil: …I mean, wait, you're getting way off track…!

Jamil: The potion you guys have to make is a sleeping potion, not a waking one!!

Part 1 (Part 2)

Requested by @dida-books.

[stoportotouch]

(Feel free to answer publicly) I’m really interested in the terror but I have a couple friends I tend to watch shows with, they have some mixed to positive feelings on horror and creepy/spooky things as well as thrillers and prestige tv and the like (loved breaking bad and BCS) our group has some CWs around rape/roofies

Could you give me like a recommended breakdown/pitch for the show so I can get them involved and make them watch it with me (we are at a weird watch group crossroads where we have like 3-4 shows that we are watching that are only enjoyed by 2 but not all 3 members and need something for when everyone is together)

(first it did take me a moment to figure out that BCS is Better Call Saul and not, as google suggested, the british cardiovascular society, barclays bank, or the british computer society. i really am not a tv watcher other than like. a couple of highly specific shows.)

as far as the two CWs that you mentioned i can't imagine that there's anything that could be a problem. there is, though, a mention of somebody lying about coersion (and we know in canon that he's lying and the whole thing was consensual). there's also uh. the odd reference to drugs (and alcohol). but that's more because it's the 19th century, and if you went to the doctor and said "got a bit of a tummy ache, doc" he would reply "may i offer you some nice cocaine in this trying time?"

in any case! the terror is an adaptation of dan simmons' novel of the same name, which is a supernatural-ish horror story about the ultimate fates of sir john franklin's lost expedition to find the northwestern passages. (supernatural-ish in that while there are supernatural elements... there isn't much that's supernatural about the depths of human despar.)

it follows primarily not sir john franklin but captain francis crozier, the second-in-command of the expedition (and captain of erebus' sister ship hms terror). but it does also have a massive cast of men who i swear you will be able to tell apart eventually. on your first watch you will be saying "which of the three guys with prominent sideburns is this?" and getting it right... actually pretty often. subsequently, however, you will be going "THERE HE IS. THERE'S LIEUTENANT HODGSON." and pointing to a blur in the background. (i did literally do this yesterday watching the third episode.)

also i genuinely think the terror is like. one of the best written shows i've ever seen. partly because it has The Gumption to essentially start the show with "ready to find out how all the people you're about to meet are going to Fucking Die?", partly because of how much rewatch value it has. even knowing all The Twists and basically being able to quite vast chunks of the show, there's always something new.

also the writers and actors have. what i can only describe as a remarkable ability to take somebody who is not on paper particularly sympathetic but really make you understand them. like there is probably at least one character who you will initially look at and say "...eurgh. don't like that." but either come to Sympathise With or just want to take out of the show and let him sleep for about sixteen hours in a very comfortable bed.

and to be a bit pretentious for a second, which is only fair in a show like the terror, i think one of my favourite things about it is the synergy between setting and story/storytelling. on a naval ship most spaces have multiple purposes and there's nothing on board that isn't there for a reason. so even if a scene or a shot or a character (or a line -- i had a sudden moment of "billy? BILLY????" during my most recent rewatch of the first episode) doesn't seem to be there for a purpose... you'll see! maybe not for a couple of episodes but you'll see.

also pretty much all of the relationships between the characters are very much more complicated than "just friends" or "hate each other" or "lovers" or "captain and lieutenant" (or whatever). it's very interesting to watch and essentially keep track of "they're this but also this" or a slightly more straightforward "he literally just needs him and he will fall apart if they're separated". (then they get separated. this is two separate relationships that i'm thinking of.)

finally, if you like men... there's men. since we're in the royal navy in the 19th century there very much are men in this show. great numbers of them! at times the 19th-century-accurate facial hair Looks are a bit much (especially when there's one guy who conspicuously just has a completely normal 21st century beard), but if you can look past that there's truly something for everybody in amc's the terror.

actually finally, because i just thought of it: warning for gore and violence and... i can't quite explain it better than just "really, really overwhelming bleakness". (including some fairly understandable but still disturbing and quite difficult to watch responses to violence.) there are a couple of scenes that it might be better to spoil in advance to give yourself a pep talk before. (you will get warning for it -- there aren't any jumpscares but the waiting almost makes it worse.)

[practically-an-x-man]

for the couples ask game #s 3, 4, 6, 7, 10, 11, 12, 18, 24, 25, & 26 :)

thank you so much!!! can't tell you how excited I am to give these questions a spin :)

answers under the cut since there are a lot of them:

3. Have you ever written a soulmate AU? If you haven't, why would/wouldn't you write one?

Hm... sort of. I have an idea for a Witcher fic with a soulmate arc, though I haven't had time to actually write it yet. And there are elements of Heartstrings (my AHS Coven fic) that are similar to a soulmate plotline, though I've been trying to keep that one a little more "up in the air". I have complicated views on soulmate AUs and "fate" in general, so I tend to fiddle with the trope a bit when I do write it.

4. What's the fastest you've reached a romantic couple's first kiss (in words/scenes/chapters)? First "I love you"? Other landmarks?

Heartstrings has definitely been the fastest-evolving of all my fics, since we get an official first date in Chapter 3 and a slipped "I love you" in Chapter 8. However, I do think A Love Once New moves faster in terms of word count, since Heartstrings has longer chapters overall.

6. Have you ever started to write a relationship and had it develop differently than you expected? How so?

I was expecting Heartstrings to be more of a slowburn, and... well, as you can see from the previous question, it really didn't go that way.

7. Have you written any romantic couples that you think would be better off as friends? Or even enemies?

Not really? I have a lot of romantic couples that are also friends, because I love those sorts of relationships, but I think the romance there is also well-fitted.

10. [Couple] has just been struck by a magic spell, and now they're mortal enemies! What happens now?

Okay, you didn't specify so I'm just gonna pick one at random.... Ophelia and Peter. I feel like Peter would be less susceptible to the spell, since Ophelia's fairly morally-gray already, and he'd be the one to try and break the spell. And I feel like he'd succeed, though he'd have to survive Ophelia first - she's dangerous, and he couldn't stand to hurt her.

11. [Couple] has just stumbled into a fairy ring, and they've forgotten they ever knew each other! What happens now?

I'll do this one for Madison and Alex since I feel like that would be the most interesting. Neither of them are particularly emotional people, so it wouldn't be some "I've got a gaping hole in my heart and I don't know why" sort of melodrama, but I can't help but think that they'd start drifting back towards each other over time. Or hell, it's just as likely that the other X-Men would see what happened and try to mend things themselves, since they were so good for each other before.

12. [Couple] has just found an interdimensional portal, and one of them just walked in! Does the other go after them?

I don't think I even need to specify a couple for this one, the answer will always be yes XD

Strategies, now, that would vary. Some would plan, some would just dive in. Some would go immediately and some would waffle about the danger. But they'd always go after their loved one.

18. Pick a few characters you've written for (or, for a fun twist, asker chooses). Tell me about their relationship in three sentences or less.

Hm... I'll go with Quinn and Billy for this one. Their relationship is... really something.

Longtime friendship that was always a little more than a friendship. Power couple, but morality's still on the fence. They tease each other so much they almost don't seem like a couple... but nobody would ever doubt they're a couple.

24. When you write, do you focus more on the romantic relationships or the non-romantic ones?

I try to include a mix of both. In the nature of fanfic, there's a good amount of focus on the romantic couples in the story, but I do make it a point to build other connections between the characters. I actually put a lot of effort into making sure the romantic relationship is not the only relationship in the story - every character has family, friends, other connections outside their romance.

25. How important to you is the inclusion of sex in writing a romantic couple? Do you have any asexual characters?

So, I don't write smut. It makes me uncomfortable, and I just can't figure out how to make it sexy and not cringey. So that's the first thing - any spicy scenes I write are either implied or kinda dodge around the actual smut. Secondly, I feel like a good romantic relationship doesn't require sex at all. If it's well-written, the chemistry should speak for itself. Spicy scenes can be fun, but shouldn't be required for the relationship.

However, there are a few relationships where I don't want to leave it up to audience interpretation. This is generally in relation to my trans/queer couples, where I don't want anyone to willfully misinterpret their relationship. When I write those, I tend to be a little more candid about intimacy in their relationship, just because I don't want it to get written off or dismissed for not being cishet.

In terms of ace characters, my protagonist in Who Waits Forever Anyway?, Katherine, is outwardly asexual, as well as the character Adrianna in Heartstrings, Rae's sister Ginny in A Love Once New, Lita in Bolts and Blasters, and probably a whole host of other characters I'm forgetting.

26. Do you have any characters that are arospec or otherwise wouldn't enter a romantic relationship? How do they interact with the story?

Most of the works I write are romantic in nature, so at the moment I don't have any primary OCs that are on the aro spectrum, but Adrianna (one of Jasper's friends/derby sisters) in Heartstrings is aroace. In turn, she really values the friendships she's made in roller derby and view those as her most important relationships, though she's not above teasing her derby siblings for their romantic relationships. It's fun, right?

[angeldcgs]

before him, val had been very careful about her interactions with humans. she had to be, both for their safety and hers; though her self control had greatly improved over the decades, to the point where she felt confident going out in public without the need to feed, the closer she got to a person and the longer they spent together, the greater the potential craving grew, and she could never be too careful. not only that, allowing a human to get close to her would open up to the possibility of being found out, and god knows what someone would do with that kind of information. for as long as she'd lived in her sprawling estate, she'd never had a human on the grounds, so bringing charlie there wasn't something she took lightly. they hardly knew each other, and still, she felt it was her duty to personally ensure that he was restored to full health in a safe and comfortable space— the fact that she was already yearning for another taste of his blood came secondary. it was her fault he ended up in this incredibly weakened state in the first place, and therefor it was her duty to take care of him. she could sense his mounting uncertainty, verging on fear and souring his heavenly scent, causing her to frown in dissatisfaction. had she come on too strong? perhaps she should've given him a bit more space, but she was just trying to be as attentive as she could to help him get his strength back as soon as possible. even before she'd been turned, val had always been told she could be a bit much. she felt things too strongly, loved too hard, and cared too much; too clingy, too desperate. she didn't take rejection well, and had issues with control. it was for those very reasons that she avoided relationships altogether as a vampire, having already been hurt enough times for one lifetime, and she knew it would only get worse when the complications of immortality were thrown into the mix. the thought that she could be losing him before she'd even really managed to hook him caused a bit of a panic, though she tried her best to mask her emotions so she wouldn't startle him further. "it's ok!" she reassured him, a bit too hasty in her efforts to assuage his worries. "no, no, no, it's totally ok! i'm not mad. i mean, it was kinda nasty smelling like beer all night, but it's really not a big deal... it happens! i've got tons of clothes, so don't even worry about it. and it was black, so... it probably won't stain." except for the fact that it was silk... she'd begun to regret even sharing that detail with him— seeing as he'd reacted so poorly to it, you'd think she reminded him that he accidentally ran over her pet cat. it only confirmed to her just how good of a person he was, that he was so remorseful over something as petty as a spilled drink. "you seemed like you felt really bad, and then i felt bad... so don't apologize, please. you did enough of that last night." a spilled drink really wasn't all that damning in the grand scheme of things, least of all when she had much darker sins to be sorry for. what they both needed to focus on now was his health, and so she broke off another chunk of the protein bar, repeating her prior actions and helping to sprinkle the crushed bits into his mouth. "are you feeling any better? you look better. got some of your color back... how about another little drink, hm? you're probably dehydrated."

the longer he was in her company and the more cognisant he became, charlie could see that there was something strange about valerie, more to her than what met the eye. wasn’t that always the way with beautiful women? charlie didn’t consider himself bad with women, not exactly. he’d had a few girlfriends and they’d all ended in the same way, with them growing tired of his reliance on vices and how that affected the attention he could give to them. at the end of the day, he’d only ever met one or two people who could be more important to him than drugs were to him and even then, it was never enough. val was too caring considering the circumstances they’d met under. it was one thing to make sure a stranger didn’t spend the night passed out in an alley, it was a whole other ballpark to take them home and nurse them back to health. it wasn’t a complaint, it was hard to let his wariness get the better of him when he was enjoying her soft pets so much, but it was something he was growing more and more aware of as she got more comfortable with him. “yeah…” charlie reaffirmed softly, though mostly to keep val from questioning the sort of person she’d allowed into her home rather than boosting his ego. before he had the chance to question what she was doing, her freezing cold hands were pressed to his cheeks and she lamented that sweet pet name again, the one that would’ve had him squirming if he had any control over his hips. “o-oh-“ no normal person could be so kind with wanting something in return. maybe he did something that she’d yet to remind him of, maybe she was lulling him into a false sense of security and once he let his guard down she’d strike and take whatever it wad she wanted. he was already so weak though and unable to fight back. why wait any longer? to tease him? had he really acted that poorly? he blinked up at her like a dazed animal, something that wad waiting to be eaten, and winced only a little as she leaned in and kissed his forehead. his stomach both filled with butterflies and churned with sickness and suddenly he lost the appetite he had for the protein bar, however, he had little choice hence it came to eating it when val was so insistent on hand feeding him. picking any sort of fight felt like the worst of ideas and so charlie decided to play subservient, just until he started to feel better and could take care of himself. “y-yeah that sounds like me.” he cringed and nervously bit down onto his bottom lip. “i’m sorry, val, i-i’m a shit drunk and i- it’d been a long day and i must’ve drank way too much-“ and done one too many lines off the back of the toilet, an irreverent detail. “if i ruined your clothes or- or if i was a dick about it, t-that’s not how i am usually. i’m- a good guy, like you said. i’m not usually that messy.” he said wth a grimace, lying through his teeth. the way she’d found him wasn’t all that unusual for him, the hangover was new but he was accustomed to ending the night in a state of disgrace.

[thekingofthieves]

When did you realize you wanted more than friendship with Hiei?

Hm, well... I suppose that depends on if you consider "wanting to have sex" consituting as "more than friendship." Sleeping with friends and allies was basically the norm for me before I took this human form. I never experienced romantic attraction before Hiei, so I was pretty casual about sex back then.

I was physically attracted to Hiei from the beginning, honestly. He has this captivating impish beauty to him I noticed even during our short spar upon our meeting. And then, even though his torso was wounded when I removed his cloak and shirt to heal him, it was hard not to fixate on the shape of his body and lean muscles... It was also difficult to keep my thoughts from wandering when I had such a hot demon lying in my bed after I tended to him. 😅 Thankfully I had myself under control by the time he woke up...

Considering I was going through a second puberty at the time because of my human form, was simultaneously too young physically but too old mentally for any humans around, along with not having sex for over a decade when I used to have it practically all the time, and I killed most other demons I encountered in the Ningenkai due to their hostility... Hiei, well, ended up as the sole subject of my desires. 😅

I flirted quite heavily with him from the get-go, to which he initially just rolled his eyes at and assumed I was just messing with him. Though after some months went by, once he realized how serious I was- or perhaps it was when he started returning my desires- it was very amusing seeing him fighting to remain stoic when he was so clearly getting flustered. Hiei blushing so hard but acting pissed off to try combating his feelings is incredibly adorable. ♡

Though, ah, to be honest, when it came to realizing the romantic attraction I later developed for him, I was... not the sharpest about it. 😅 I've been under the assumption for all my life that I was incapable of developing romantic feelings (and I'm still not really sure how I fell for Hiei so hard and so easily). So when I was having clear signs of crushing on him, I simply just... didn't think much of it. I chocked up the giddiness I felt around him- and constant thoughts of when I'd see him next- to me simply having been incredibly lonely before we met. My nonsexual desires to be close I had figured was from my physical attraction mixing with lonliness and being touch starved. When you've never been romantically attracted to someone your whole life and assume you never will, it makes it a little hard to spot if you actually develop a crush on someone. 😅

Funnily enough... my mother realized I had feelings for Hiei before I did. Apparently she had long suspected I may have been gay, considering I always attracted a lot of girls in my class but never pursued anything with them. Which... the situation was more complicated than that- what with my true age, demon energy, and aromanticism- but she ultimately wasn't wrong about me preferring men.

It was I believe around half a year after I met Hiei when my mother had sat me down one day to talk. She told me that there's nothing that could make her stop loving me, that I don't have to hide anything from her, and asked me if there's anything I wanted to share... which made me freeze in place, because I thought she might've somehow figured out I was a demon, and I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that she could be so calm and accepting if that was the case. I cautiously asked her if there's something she thought I was hiding, to which she sighed and gave me one of her usual loving smiles as she brushed some hair from my face, then left her hand on my shoulder. She said she saw the way I am with Hiei, and that I don't need to hide it if we're dating because she has no problem with me being gay... To say I was shocked at that turn would be an understatement, frankly. I told her that we weren't dating- though, with quite a bit of stuttering as this completely blindsided me.

Though, it was nothing in comparison to when she asked next if it was a crush then, and suddenly things in my mind started to click and... lord, I can only imagine how red my face must have suddenly gotten. And judging from the way my mother started giggling, it must have been quite a bit. Even in front of her, it's not often I lose my composure like that. 😅

I couldn't believe I never realized before then that I had developed a crush on Hiei- in hindsight it was so unbelievably obvious. And I also couldn't believe that out of everyone in all of the worlds, the one exception I have to my aromanticism is someone that's even worse with feelings than I am. It was already hard enough to get Hiei to simply concede to us being friends, so with this new knowledge of my attraction, it was... a challenge threading the needle between displaying this unfamiliar interest of mine, while also trying not to come on too strongly with genuine emotions and make Hiei run for the hills. It wasn't until a while after our heist in the Reikai that we finally started dating.

[ducavalentinos]

Thoughts on Ancient Rome historians Tom Holland, Emma Southon and Anthony Barrett? BTW, being as you are a Barrett fan do you think there is any historian who can top/reach Barrett's level?

Hm, Holland is cool, I've read some of his stuff, his latest work (which I have to finish btw) Dominion, is very interesting. I just feel like his writing, or better saying, his methodology follows the traditional history of things, and his perspective is mainly focused on our present and our modern standards looking back into the past and the actions of those in the past, I understand that is a common way for historians to write history, I get why, but it's not my thing, it's not how I approach or like to read history, you know. Also, he is one of those writers where you have to be extra careful, because he likes mixing his personal opinions/assumptions and claim it as a "truth", even though it lacks evidence. You can't take everything he says at face value, you need to check the sources and see if it matches with what he says and so on, but overall his work is ok, as far as I've read it. Southon is...complicated. I don't want to sound too harsh, and I will give it to her that she was honest enough to say at the preface of her Agrippina, that the history contained there is her own personal interpretation of the primary sources about Agrippina, iirc she does basically admit it's not the truth, it's her truth, which you know, earns a few points from me, given I come from the Borgia historical literature circle, and that kind of honesty is not to be found (to see them doing a similar preface as Southon did would surprise me, for sure), so at least we go into the book knowing this is Agrippina’s life through the lens of Southon and how she interpreted it was like, which it’s valid and I respect her right in doing so, but I don’t agree with it. Her bias in favour of Agrippina is evident in every single page, which makes her work incredibly messy, and for me, it went right next to Elizabeth Lev's book about Caterina Sforza, on how NOT to write a historical biography. It was kind of impossible for me not to see the parallels in their approach, actually. Starting with the book titles, which already tells you you're not getting a bio, you're getting a love letter of these authors towards their fave. And then, of course there's a huge effort to always make their fave look good and everyone else around them, bad. And because the subjects are women, you have the additional emotions, or protectiveness that comes with that, they are not alone in this, but they do take things to an extreme. They use and abuse of the feminist narrative/pov of patriarchy, of the relations between men and women ( men are evil, women are always oppressed and victims by the men around them, etc), so under this light, the only reason their faves fell from power was because of misogny, the only reason they were badmouthed (or acquired a bad reputation in history) is also because of misogyny, that’s the go-to answer to everything in these women’s lives. They never did anything wrong, they didn’t had any flaws. Their ambition which it’s presented as a terrible flaw in men, in them it’s an admirable quality. The means which they may have taken to hold on to power, or achieve power, is not worthy of any negative assessments. The documented ruthlessness (which equalled or surpassed many of their male comtemporaries) either also lacks any judgement, or it gets a completely different one, where suddenly the killing of rivals, of innocent girls who posed no threat to them, nor had anything to do with their father’ actions, is not presented as cruel, as sadistic, it’s not tyranny. It’s presented as necessary and justified according to their rationale. It receives all the proper contextualization of the times mixed with a high dose of whitewashing. But when these actions come from men they don't care for and/or who were the opponents of these women, well, then it is a testament of their cruelty, their tyranny, their misogyny.  The double standards, the blindspots, the molding information to fit personal narratives, is always present when it comes these authors. There's a lot of unrestrained passion going on wherever you have a female author and a female historical figure, I have noticed over time, sometimes it happens with male authors, too, esp. with their male faves, and it's equally embarrassing, but I often find this trend with female authors, and sadly, Southon is not exception here. I was excited to read her book, I tried to give it a chance, Agrippina has few biographies about her, but it was insupportable. I get that she loves Agrippina, I do, too. She was a fascinating woman, and I do think she is innocent on some accusations, I do think she was slandered (as powerful people often were) by some contemporaries about some things. But this approach I just mentioned? the simplistic blaming of everything on one person, one thing, one reason, the putting of the historical figure on a pedestal where they are always right, they are always virtuous, always the victim, is not realistic and it gets odd fast. It doesn’t stick when you look at the material and you think about it critically, and it often leads to dishonesty and unfairness, and it fails to truly make us understand, as much as we can, the lives of these people from the past, so yeah, in a nutshell: I’m not a fan of her work, lol. Now Barrett, on the other hand, guess it’s not secret I am a fan of his 👀😂. Idk anon, but I hope so, because I think history needs historians like him, it’s not that his methodology, his approach to history are irreproachable, nothing and no one is, there’s some things I disagree with him, or that I find are not well supported, but the way he tries to be objective, to be balanced when dealing with historical women like Livia Drusilla and Agrippina, where it’s so easy to fall on cliches narratives, the way he tries to separate myths from facts, fiction from history, the way he is careful around rumours, with the primary sources, too, and how he often warns the reader about it, the way he meticulously exposes the documentation, the research, all of that in my view, are the fundamental elements for any proper historical work, let alone, a biography. Yes, it might make it dull, it might make not accessible to everyone, but I don’t think that should be the highest goal anyways. The highest goal should be try to recreate, as much as it is possible, these historical figures’ lives and the events that happened (while acknowledging the mysteries, the uncertainties, and the things we will never know. We may try to fill out these gaps with assumptions or hypothesis, but it should be made clear that that's what they are), in a just, humane and honest manner. Not just to the historical figure as the subject, because often that’s the easy part, but also to those around them and the times they lived in, which proves to be more diffcult for many historians. Barrett, for the most part, does all of this really well, and it’s why I like his works so much, or why I’m a fan dsjdsjd. Thoughts on...ask meme

[theskywaslookingback]

I've seen you taking prompts and if it's not a bother, Jontim with angy Tim letting all his anger go after Elias or someone equally nasty hurts Jon real bad?

you have the patience of a saint. here you go.

litany (in which certain things are crossed out)

"Every morning the maple leaves. Every morning another chapter where the hero shifts from one foot to the other. Every morning the same big and little words all spelling out desire, all spelling out You will be alone always and then you will die. So maybe I wanted to give you something more than a catalog of non-definitive acts, something other than the desperation. Dear So-and-So, I’m sorry I couldn’t come to your party. Dear So-and-So, I’m sorry I came to your party and seduced you and left you bruised and ruined, you poor sad thing. You want a better story. Who wouldn’t?" - Litany in Which Certain Things Are Crossed Out, Richard Siken

When the tape clicks on, Tim can’t even find it in himself to be surprised. He’s been viciously marking over statements for at least an hour, highlighting anything that mentions a circus, skin, or a dance. There’s less of it than he thinks there should be, and every minute his eyes skim over written word after written word makes his blood boil higher and higher. He throws the marker to the floor, the bump and skid of the nub marking a trail of yellow from the desk to the floor where it rolls under Melanie’s desk.

“What do you want?” He asks flatly, his shoulders tucked up to his ears.

The recorder whirrs, cassette winding in its casing, a low hum of static emitting from it as the previously locked trap door to the tunnels swings open. Jon comes tumbling out, breathing hard. He looks...God, he looks like a wreck. Hair cropped haphazardly short, like chunks had been cut out with a bread knife, clothes hanging off him like rags. The door closes with an ominous creak, and is that--? Vaguely he makes out the shape of a hand, though that’s not right because no hand looks like that , waving right before the trap door shuts. But no, that’s…

“Well then, where have you been?”

Jon looks up, startled. There are deep bags under his eyes, like he hasn’t slept in weeks. His eyes dart off of Tim to the desk where the tape recorder sits. He takes a deep, shuddering breath. “I was...gone.” He says awkwardly. He keeps rubbing at his wrist and hand like they ache, and the skin does look rubbed red and raw.

“I know that. It’s not like you’re ever really here .”

The last time Tim really saw Jon must have been at least six weeks ago, shortly after their boss outed himself as a murderer . Tim tries not to think about that overmuch. The way Jon’s hand had gone for the recorder almost absently as he tried to apologize, to explain. Tim had yelled, he remembers that, said if Jon wanted to talk they would have to do it without the recorders and then Jon had left . And, well, that was the end of it, really.

Now, Jon flinches. His eyes resolutely trained on the floor at Tim’s feet and Tim can’t remember the last time that Jon looked him in the eye. Like everything else at the moment it just makes him angry.

“I-- I have to talk to Elias.” Jon says. He pulls himself up to standing and shuffles past Tim like it hurts to move.

“Jon.”

Jon stops. “Get this thing off my desk.” Tim can’t bear to look at him.

“Oh.” Christ , why does he sound so sad? “Yes, of course.”

The hand that comes down is so small, dark skin pocked over with holes that mirror the ones in Tim’s own hand. He remembers when they were both smooth, unmarked. The weight of that hand in his own, the feel of that palm under his lips. That seems so long ago now, before the stale air of the Archives turned them both sour and rotten. Jon’s hand closes around the smooth dark tape recorder, fingers folded around it both careless and reverential. His wrist and forearm are covered in abrasions, the skin peeling back in spots leaving half scarred, raw red skin. Before he can stop himself Tim closes his hand over Jon’s.

Jon jerks, in either fear or surprise Tim can’t say. “Tim, I--”

“What did this?”

“Tim it’s-- it’s fine I just...I need to talk to Elias.” Jon tries to pull away again and Tim squeezes hard enough to feel those delicate bones under him shift. “Ah! Ah! Tim--”

“ Jon .”

“Ah, the Circus, it was-- one of them kidnapped me and ah, they had me tied to a chair.” Jon chokes a little on his own words. “They-they we’re going to uh, wear me. I-I-I think it had something to do with a ritual. A dance. They called it the Unknowing .”

Tim lets go and Jon takes a step back, cradling his hand and tape recorder next to his heart. Tim can barely hear anything over the rushing of blood in his ears. He flexes his fists, trying to ignore the sharp pain in his chest.

“So what they just...let you go?”

“Not exactly,” Jon huffs, “it’s-- it’s complicated.” He glances over his shoulder to the Archives entrance, like calculating his chance at getting out the door before Tim can-- do what? Stop him? Is that what he wants to do? He looks so tired, his shoulders hunched and arms scabbed over with half healed rope burns.

“They hurt you.”

Jon huffs out a breath, preparing for...something. Some kind of denial most likely, or maybe even an apology. Whatever it is Tim can’t hear it right now. He stands, the scrape of his chair on the floor making Jon’s jaw snap shut.

He swallows. “Well, yes and no. I mean, my skin is in better condition than it’s been in years.” Jon smiles for the briefest moment before it falters into a grimace, “Is that weird? That’s...kind of all they talked about.”

“Of course that’s weird ,” Tim bites, “everything about you is weird .” He takes a full step toward the door before Jon grabs his arm. Tim shakes him off, more violently than he needs to or even intends.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m going to have a word with Elias.”

“Why?” Jon asks. It sounds startled out of him, like the abrupt firing of a gun. The tape crackles in Jon’s hand, growling like an aching, hungry stomach. “I mean, why do you care?” He doesn’t sound accusatory or angry, just curious.

‘I don’t,’ is what Tim wants to say. It’s what he means to say. But instead his stomach swoops and the words tumble from his mouth, unwanted and unbidden but true, “You’re all I have left.”

Jon’s mouth does something funny, trembling into an ‘o’. He fumbles for words, though nothing comes out but vague stammering noises. Tim snarls and grabs him by the shirt, twisting his hand in the fabric and pulling hard until Jon meets him chest to chest.

“Do not do that to me ever again.”

“I-I didn’t mean to--”

“Don’t.”

Jon goes quiet. His hand twitches like he wants to grab Tim’s but lets it hover indecisively to the side until Tim lets him go. Jon stumbles backward, bumping into Martin’s desk. “Okay,” he says hoarsely, “okay, I-- okay.” Then, even softer with his eyes on the floor he says, “I’m sorry.”

The inside of his chest explodes white hot, a mix of anger and guilt and shame, and Tim slams his hand on his desk. The cheap wood rattles, pens bouncing off onto the floor and rolling away. His poor desk plant tips to the side and crashes hard against the wood floor and spills ceramic and potting soil across the ground. Martin comes thundering down the stairs a moment later, his eyes wide and startled.

“Tim, what’s--” He starts before his eyes land on Jon and his mouth drops into a soft ‘o’. “Jon?”

“Martin,” Jon breathes, and it comes out sounding overwhelmingly relieved.

Martin crosses the room to fuss, his hands reaching out like he wants to touch but knows he’s not allowed. He reaches out and takes the tape recorder from Jon’s hand, overly gentle. Tim can’t...he turns and strides up the stairs with furious purpose. Martin can do whatever he’d like. If he wants to work himself up into knots trying to care for someone with no sense of self preservation or common sense he’s certainly welcome to do so. Tim’s already burned that bridge.

It’s just...when Tim had nothing else at least he had Jon. And there is a very small part of himself that misses Jon terribly. The easy laughter drawn out by late nights with bad takeout, bent over research reports and books on the occult they couldn’t possibly hope to understand. The curve of his mouth, small and shy, after a kiss. The feel of his hand on Tim’s back, or holding his own. His body, small and lithe, curled into Tim’s side while they walked to the tube after work.

He misses his friend more than any of that. He misses the trust.

Tim is at Elias’ office before he can even think about it, riding a wave of rage so strong it almost knocks the air out of him. He throws the door open, letting it slam against the wall as he storms through.

Elias sits back in his chair and doesn’t even pretend at surprise. “Hello Tim.” He says cordially, smiling for all the world like nothing could ever go wrong for him. “Jon’s back then, is he?”

“You knew,” Tim starts, voice simmering with fury, “this whole time you knew where he was, didn’t you.”

Elias blows out a slow breath. “Not exactly.”

“What do you mean ‘not exactly’?”

“Tim--”

“Elias.”

“I knew Jon had been taken, yes,” Elias says, splaying his hands out in front of him as though in supplication, though the look on his face is amused, “but I did not know where. I was working on it, though it seems Jon did not need my help in the end.”

“Why didn’t you say something?” Tim snarls, slamming his hands down on Elias’ desk and leaning in toward him. “Why didn’t you say anything ? Why did you let us think--” He cuts himself off, biting into the inside of his own cheek.

Elias tilts his head and narrows his eyes, there’s something vaguely predator-like about that gaze that almost makes Tim uneasy. “And what good would that have done, Tim? Hm? Would you have gone to him? Saved him?” Elias leans in and his eyes are so bright Tim has to lean back. “No. Don’t lie to yourself. You would have watched too, just to see him suffer because you thought he deserved it.”

Tim clenches his jaw, teeth clacking together hard enough it sends a jolt of pain up the muscle. “You--” He starts, but there are no words to convey the wrath making itself at home in his ribcage. A rage turned inward because Elias is right and Tim doesn’t know what to do with that.

Elias just stares at him, patiently, eyes bright and lips turned up in amusement. When nothing else comes he finally leans back into his chair. “Right,” He closes his eyes for half a heart beat and then looks up at the door, “That will do for now, I think. Jon is on his way up here right now so no need to close the door on your way out.”

Tim turns on his heel and leaves, his throat tight. He does slam the door shut behind himself as he leaves, an attempt to soothe the complicated torrent working its way around his chest, making it hard to breathe. He sees Jon down the hall, striding purposefully toward Elias’ office. He’s barehanded, no tape recorder in sight, and somehow that gives Tim enough pause to gasp in a breath.

Jon hesitates when he sees Tim, rocking back on his heel like he doesn’t know where to go, and then Tim takes two steps forward and pulls him into his arms. It’s not quite a hug, Tim’s arms are too tight and Jon has no way to move either forward or back, but Tim presses his face into Jon’s hair anyway just for a moment. When he lets go Jon stares up at him, bewildered.

“Tim?"

“No.” Tim says sharply, “Don’t start, just--”

“Right,” Jon says, confused, “right, okay--”

“Just--” Tim huffs out a breath, “Stay safe.” He says and leaves Jon standing there in the middle of the hall.

Tim has lost so much in his life. He’d lost Danny, and he’d lost Sasha. Now he’d almost lost Jon and didn’t even realize it. It wouldn’t happen again, Tim thought fiercely, not ever again.