#HijoAko

[shrimpfriedr1ce]

So I’m gonna speak up. #HijoAko

!!!Trigger Warning!!!

3 years ago. I learned that anyone can manipulate you into doing what they want. And I learned it the hard way. I’m not really read to call him out yet, but I want to share my experience and let people know that I sympathize.

LONG VERSION (Skip to AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA for the short version)

Prior to these events. I’ve been avoiding Jerick. I felt like our friendship was getting.. a bit too toxic. He’d coax me to come over and with food since he lives nearby. He openly admitted it in a conversation with my friend saying “Oh, you want him to come over? Just tell him you have food. Easy.”

He’d find excuses to come over to my place (we both live alone) with statements like “I bought too much food, can I come over?”. He claims he’s depressed and that he has panic attacks. I remember he had 2 panic attacks on 2 separate classes. So a little part of me thought he was faking it so I would feel soft for him and take care of him. But at the same time.. what if he wasn’t? Worst case scenario, it’s real. So naturally, I’d do what any person would do and look after him.

I remember one time, it was our finals for one of our programming classes; GDEVDAT (idk what it meant. Game DEVelopment DATa???). He asked me to come over since he had food and so he could help me with the finals. I was in a bit of a struggle, so why not. I came over and the moment I setup my laptop he insisted that we played DoTA til well into the night. My software wasn’t working properly. So I stopped playing and asked him if he could help me fix it. He looked a little disappointed because I didn’t want to play anymore. Needless to say, it was a silent room for 2 hours. Then I walked back home at 4 am. A part of me that time felt like I wasted my time. I felt like, as the gamers call it -baited- into coming over.

He would tell me to stay away from my circle of friends since they were not his kind of crowd. He’d point out my friends’ flaws and say mean things about them. I’m not gonna drop their names, but they know who they are. So me being me, I believed him. I could see his point and thought “huh, he’s right”. Before I knew it, I was closer to him than I was to my friends. Before long, I began.. protecting him. He’d have suicidal thoughts, I’d come rushing over. He needed company, I was already there. I knew something was up at this point. Which brings me back to my disclaimer. I started avoiding him.

It felt tiring and I couldn’t get time to myself because.. well, yeah. He kept guilt tripping me into meeting up.

So here’s where it got.. fucked up.

I remember coming home after buying a mop ‘cuz my friends were gonna’ sleepover so I planned to clean before they arrived the next day (we had an overnight event at school). I then received multiple messages on facebook telling me to take care of Jerick because he was attempting a suicide. He lived nearby, so I laced up my shoes and went to his place. I come over and there are just.. guards from our school in front of his flat. I ask if they’re there for Jerick. They said said yes. But they couldn’t enter because the landlord said only the Jerick could let us in. He was pissed drunk. Moments later he comes down drunk as hell and the landlord lets us in. He smelled like vodka. Me and who I assume is the commanding officer lifted, L I F T E D –this guy was 3 times my size– back to his unit. I tell the officer that I’ll handle things. So they leave. Leaving me and Jerick alone. BAD IDEA Vince. We sat quietly in the room. I looked around, forcing to look for something to break the silence. I had a cigarette. Sat down and asked him why he had a condom on his table. He said he hooked up with a guy but he finished super fast. I deadass said “huh, maybe I should keep a condom. I heard it’s good luck for guys” at this point 2020 Me is telling 2017 me to stfu. He told me if I wanted to get my dick sucked, he was right there. He tried to pull down my shorts and force himself on me (we were sitting on the bed btw, i know. my bad). I pushed him over and he stopped. He then passed out. I sat there for a good 5 mins. Processing what just happened. I thought to myself, should I report this? or just keep it to myself? I left a note saying that I would stay quiet. I come back to my room and pass out.

He messages me the next morning saying what happened. I of course, decided to keep quiet. I didn’t want to talk to him because.. it felt weird. He says he doesn’t remember anything and what was it that I didn’t wanna tell anyone. Remember we had  an event at school? I told him personally. He said he was sorry and that he was drunk etc. I let it slide.

Fucked up #2. MAJOR. MAJOR. MAJOR. TRIGGER WARNING. I SWEAR TO GOD JUST SKIP THIS IF YOU’RE EASILY TRIGGERED BY SUICIDE. I’LL MARK IT  WITH “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” IF IT’S DONE. JUST. OKAY?

Same events occur. Messages telling me to go to Jerick. Ayt. Cool.  So I rush over to his place. I see you asking “How you gonna get in through the main gate?” I got lucky. Someone was gonna enter the same time as me. I reached his door and the lights were off. Pitch black. Sketchy. I went in. His place wasn’t that big. So I went in and saw a silhouette of him standing on the window about to jump. I coax him to come down and sit down and talk. He said he felt abandoned and that I wasn’t there to help him. And how it was my fault that he felt sad. THEN HE OFFERS TO BUY ME DINNER..?? AT ARISTOCRAT?? if you’re a Filipino and from Manila. You know.

We talk over dinner and he confessed that he only kept talking to me because he wanted to make a female friend of mine jealous. WE WERE LAUGHING THE NIGHT AWAY. And I come  back to my unit. And think.. DID I JUST GET FUCKING PLAYED AGAIN?????????? I sat on my bed puzzling  the scheme that was the attempted suicide.

Issue 1.) WHY THE FUCK WAS HIS DOOR CONVENIENTLY UNLOCKED??  I mean.. everyone locks their front door. You lock it. You always lock it.

Issue 2.) Did he fake a suicide attempt.. JUST TO HAVE DINNER WITH ME?

Issue 3.)  I got played.

At this point. I avoided him altogether. Facebook, Twitter and his number.

I learned later that same year, I wasn’t the only victim. And that he too chose to keep it to himself.

I’ve had trouble believing people since. I’ve had trouble getting attached to people because of the vulnerability or what might happen.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

It’s been 3 years since this incident. And I’ve never publicly talked about this issue. I was scared. I was scared of what would happen to him if I accused him of sexual assault. A mom and dad would lose their child, and a person’s hopes and dreams would be unreachable. It was also hard for me to talk about it because.. I felt easily dismissed but at the same time, I didn’t want to dwell on a topic that brought  back memories as bad as this one.

I decided to just keep it to myself and hope he becomes a better person. I thought I could just put a tough face on and power through the day. It’s not like that. I’ve developed a fear of trusting people and being overly attached. And for a short time, developed a sick and twisted mindset. At one point, I resented gay people. I thought “what if all of them are as manipulative as him?” –I no longer do of course. I’ve grown past the stereotyping, and I’ve met wonderful people of the LGBT+ community.

Okay, the thing is. Sexual Assault and Gas Lighting.. are bad. In a word, they’re bad. In more words, it’s.. I don’t know. I felt like a dog who had to obey their master. A dog who was at the mercy of their master so I could eat and be able to speak when I’m allowed to. At the same time, I felt like I was just another chunk of  meat for someone’s pleasure. It’s like I wasn’t human. I wasn’t a guy who goes to school, plays video games and watches anime. I was just another guy on Jerick’s list of people he’d want to get on top of.