#Hermalva

[sparksnheurisis]

•••DROWNED BY MEMORIES•••

»Bonus

Herman Balsa/Alva Lorenz

Fandom: Identity V

First published in AO3 on the date 2022-12-30

A brush caressed the white strands that would later be braided by the fingers of the brown-haired man, without a doubt this was his favorite moment of the day. In the natural light of the sun, letting its rays peep through the window, combing the long hair that adorned Alva's head. Herman sitting on the bed, Alva on the floor.

“What is your biggest fantasy?”

“My biggest fantasy? Of what kind, Herman?”

“Of both, together… ”

“Kissing you, kissing every fold of your body, with or without your clothes on, I don't care… Waking up before you every day, so I can hide the clothes I took you off the night before, so I can see you naked a little more before you decide it's time to start the day by putting on your pants. Having the honor of eating what your hands prepare at breakfast, returning the favor in the afternoons, taking meals to you at the laboratory because you don't like to leave there… Being one with you is my greatest fantasy… ”

“Alva, we already do all those things.”

“Living with you is already a fantasy, the most wonderful that anyone can live.”

“But tell me, besides our life… Is there something else? Something you really want, but feel like you might not be able to have…or maybe it's just too hard.”

“I would like to let you know that you are enough… more than enough.”

“What?”

“I feel like you don't appreciate yourself…you should work on that…

What is your biggest fantasy, Herman?”

Vanish.

If he could rewind and do an act of bravery, he would have said that his greatest fantasy was to vanish. Only brave people dare to ask for help, even if it is in the most melancholic ways, it is still a call for help.

He remembered the old days, he always said that Alva's hair was actually a net that caught the brightest stars, and that was why his hair sparkled in such pure silver tones. He could remember that his eyes were an amber-yellow color, so pure that staring at them melted his soul, he remembered that he admired his body those naked nights, where after exclaiming the other's name heatedly, Herman's favorite pastime was to assemble constellations with the freckles that lined the back of his beloved, while he read or slept. On weekends, they would go out to eat somewhere or just go on a picnic. On days when work was too much and Herman was overwhelmed to sleep, he never woke up without being nestled in blankets at his desk, with a hot cup of coffee because it had happened so many times that Alva knew exactly how many hours it would take to wake up. He could never forget how on Wednesdays they would without fail have a fancy dinner dressed in their pajamas, or just their nightgowns on some occasions, whatever was fine, ordering food or making it at home, it didn't really matter, but he adored how Alva used to decorate the dining room and chill a bottle of red wine since he kept white wine for sad days because, in his words, white wine tasted sweeter if you were sad enough to drink it.

He would swear that if he had a sip of white wine at that moment, he would be tasting perhaps the sweetest of his life. He had not dropped a tear for a long time, not many things had warranted it. Today after two years he heard his voice again, it was nostalgic, too much.

People change, Herman changed, he became more reserved in exchange for a bit more knowledge, because for an ambitious young man the concept of sufficiency is non-existent. Alva changed, but he never imagined how, he had to be an auditory witness of the change, his words, his voice. It took two years, but his vocabulary had become painful to listen to, not only because of the hoarseness of his throat, playing catch and scraping the words against the air, but also because a missing piece was perceived in his speech, a hole that Herman identified as soon as he heard the first words on the phone because that hole was a place that still belongs to him.

He let him speak as tears silently bombarded the sheets. Lying on the bed, he was looking at the ceiling thinking about everything he must have missed, the reason doesn't matter, he was gone, and his return screwed everything around him again. It was something he had heard before, that he screwed things up, that it was better if he disappeared, if he died, if he rotted. It was silly to get carried away by emotions, sometimes people just want to fuck you up, to get you away because they really don't see things as those who live them, so it's easy to transform the letters that our lips can expel into weapons that harm those of us who dedicate them. And indeed, they got it the day Herman left without saying goodbye or giving explanations, nothing more than a note under the pillow on his side of the bed that he shared with Alva, and a text message to his mother, both sharing the caption: “I'm so sorry. Goodbye.”

Sadness can be an emotion that drags us to the worst without realizing it, without being able to believe that we will do too much damage because it makes us abandon our best friend: ourselves. Then it takes over your being and makes you snatch the hand of self-esteem. Suddenly nobody wants you. Why would they want you? You are special? Are you worth it?… A thousand questions flood your mind, and in the blink of an eye you have drowned, and reviving yourself becomes a difficult task for those around you because you intend to stay alive.

Herman could never feel peace, and those around him couldn't do many thanks to Herman's silence about it, he always saw it as something that was wrong to express, because after all he opened the door and let the feeling live by his side. Believing that it was a bad day or that he was in control of the situation, realizing too late that he was just a poor fool who never had power over the feeling that consumed his soul.

Listening to Alva's words made him feel the need to hug him, and as in the old days cling to his chest in search of warmth and shelter, since Alva was always his safe place. He couldn't take it, his chest burned at every audible babble down the phone. He put doubts aside, with a sword pierced his insecurities. Finally, he bundled up and looked for the keys, being ready to look for him, hanging up before leaving.

It's snowing in the city, it's one day until Christmas Eve, but he keeps driving, even though the icy wind threatens to shake the car every time it blows in search of blocking the road, measuring the determination of the brown-haired man.

He would not break down this time, he would make amends, and he would seek to return to the arms of his happy place to mend the heart that he neglected until his collapse two years ago. Thus, he accelerated, while he hoped that it wasn't too late yet, that Lorenz hadn't gone to sleep yet, although if he was already resting he would wake him up, with a kiss or destroying the door, he didn't care how, but today a final point would decorate that page that Alva did not want to change, would help him finish the book of the wonderful life they have lived together, and they would turn the page to start the most beautiful chapter of all, its title would be “Reunion.”

He parked and quickly got out of the car to run towards the front door, hoping that Alva, trapped in the past, had decided to continue living in the house they once shared.

It wasn't a “Knock, knock, knock” it was rather wild blows that translated into direct warnings to the door to open or regret it.

The door has opened, wearing his pajamas, Alva Lorenz is on the other side, the expression on his face is inexplicable, an avalanche of feelings overwhelmed him just as when he was doing a monologue on the phone with the man now standing in front of him…

“Maybe it's not too late to spend Christmas together with my family…” he mused after a few seconds in silence. “But maybe before that, you want me to braid your hair like I used to…”

[spindlepines]

hermalva on the mind

[frog-artz]

IdV incorrect Quotes:

((Paranormal Detective Luca, Ghost Herman and Alva))

Luca: *Sucked Ghost Herman into a bag and dragging him* Alva: "Hey Luca have you seen Her-" Luca: "Ah- Hey Alva..."

Alva: -_- "Is Herman in the bag again." Luca: "What! Noooo. It's just some trash-" Alva: "Let Herman out of the bag-"

Luca: "Fine."

[sparksnheurisis]

•••DROWNED BY MEMORIES•••

Herman Balsa/Alva Lorenz

Fandom: Identity V

First published in AO3 on the date 2022-12-29

Alva holds a glass of water in his left hand, because the idea of doing this with his head atrophied by alcohol hurts him. In his right hand is a pencil, and on his desk are a couple of papers.

At first, when it was still afternoon, he had tried to continue developing the formula, solving for integrals and deriving others, seeking an approximate result for what he needed, but as the hours passed and his progress seemed too small, he embraced the night closing the notebook full of numbers, to then take possession of another, with a worn appearance like almost all his work-related belongings, what differentiated it was that this was not a work notebook, it was one full of letters that narrated Alva’s sadnesses...

It was a gloomy dinner, since his intake varied between ellipses and sad letters, devouring each of the sentences dedicated to a single name, that of the man who two years ago had hidden from the albino's eyes. He reread them until tears bled from his eyes, soaking the paper, which, resistant, was standing those torrential rains again. The crying was muffled when his throat was tired from sighing, and his eyes were too irritated to continue crying.

Alva never assumed the lies were true, it was no secret that he missed him; however, on those dates so far from the first day that Herman left, it was already rare for him to relive the old memories of a sweet romance. This of all the sleepless nights he had dedicated to his memory was special because now more than before he had reasons to suffer. There was a reason why he had just remembered his cheekbones again, his chin, the soft wood-colored hair that decorated his head, and those deep green eyes.

The morning headlines would not go unnoticed by the cultured men of science, who would fix their eyes on the announcement that a great scientist was visiting the city. That scientist was Herman Balsa. Although the news was discussed at breakfast that Alva had with his co-workers, he downplayed it or at least pretended not to give it relevance at the time. He wouldn't deny the shame he felt when he asked for him at the hotel where he was rumored to be staying, nor would he deny that he felt guilty when the rumors were confirmed, and he asked for the room's phone number. He had already broken every promise he made to himself when he decided that life would go on, even if it had to go on without him.

Returning to the present, we can see Alva tired, lying on the surface of the desk, with the pencil still between his fingers, after having tried to compose new verses to dedicate to the clash of emotions he was feeling. What was it? Disappointment? Happiness? Maybe just a horrible mess of multiple feelings mixed up in the worst way, an emotional Frankenstein monster in his being, struggling to get out, screaming, breaking everything down, and crying. Perhaps that was his reaction to all this because Herman never bothered to explain, the story was vast, but it was easily summed up in multiple missed calls, both from Alva and from other Zeeman acquaintances.

“Ha ha ha, Zeeman,” he thought aloud as he stared at the phone. “Did you get married, Herman?”, “In the headlines, it was clearly read that your last name is “Balsa”…” he muttered to the air as if he were really going to hear him.

He really had been willing to dial the number given by the receptionist, perhaps demand an explanation or just cry into the microphone of his cell phone while Herman awkwardly had no choice but to listen.

“ You don't know how happy it makes me settle for the fact that that last day with you was one before you left here, I can presume that your last moments before returning were not spent with anyone other than me. I can presume that the one who has the freshest memories of the appearance of your face, of your body, is me. I don't even care that I don't have someone to show it off to. Furthermore, I am the owner of the most wonderful memories that almost any being will be able to live by your side because I know as far as I can that I have loved you more than anyone could. Not only that, but I even fell in love with your defects, and I dare say that just thinking about each of those negative things about you, I still sigh, I'm afraid to say it, but I can't deny that to date I love those details of you, that in the eyes the rest would make you look mean.”

He paused, and sat up in the chair, his body, anesthetized for a while, brought the edge of the glass to the corner of his lips to drink water. A bitter drink, it really looked like water, although two glasses ago he had forgotten that it was mezcal, a good quiote distillate.

“Although you also don't know how miserable it makes me feel, just tell me, what am I, Herman? What the hell am I if not your slave? Poor idiot me, who still dedicates his best days to you, who can't move on and get a real life, because he's still chained to you and your selfish desires, leaving my life's work for your whims and aspirations… Still, what am I doing, trying to claim to you? If I was the one who condemned myself to such a miserable fate by deciding not to say goodbye to your memory…“ Looking into space, the well-kept words flowed out of him fluently, because after being stored for so long, what emotions most wanted was to get out of Alva and explode like grenades, bombarding the now nonexistent silence of the room.

“I swear to have dedicated myself before to delete you, when half a year passed and nobody knew anything, I decided that I had to continue, got rid of your number and some photos, but tell me, what made you believe that I would not miss you or that you would not hurt me? If I was so used to you, that when you left for God knows where, you removed a piece of me… I didn't get rid of all your photos, I didn't get rid of any of your belongings. I even continue with the tradition of spending Christmas with your family, they have not stopped inviting me, and your mother does not stop comparing me with the many ex-girlfriends of yours that she did not like, saying the good choice you had with me because even with your absence she appreciates me. ”

“Loneliness has played havoc with me because it has made me realize that the one I was closest to was you, even so at the end of the day we both seemed distanced from each other, I had never had such a strong bond, and from your words, what Now I don't know if they were true, I doubt you would have had such a close connection before… It's selfish for me to see things like this, but can I be blamed? My life has been so colorless since then, I would swear that the saturation of the colors that I see in my day to day has decreased since your absence marked my life, because no color makes sense if you are not there to appreciate it with me… Is it dependency? Everything I say sounds bad, it sounds very bad. It's not really like that, really, it's just a way my desperation is making it look like, I swear. I swear that I don't need you so much, that I don't depend on you as it seems that I do, even if I miss you, I always kept a certain degree of independence, it only hurts me that you were not here to share the news of my life and that I wasn't there to share the news of yours…”

One more drink and his throat released another sigh, it was dry thanks to the alcohol in his system. He dropped the pencil, a growing weakness beginning to creep up his legs into his arms, and finally his head, the tears growing and pooling in his eye sockets, falling as the liquid pooled, down, and pooled on his clothes. “You should have told me if you were bored, or if you needed to leave to progress academically… you should have told me, it's not like we don't care about you, your mother… I haven't seen her, but she must be as impressed as me, or even worse… you should call her and make her know you're okay… do you hear me? Herman, are you hearing me? “ The question filled a room empty except for Alva and the objects that surrounded him. “I hope you listen to me and my words reach you as much as the fact that you left reached us…”

“Going back to my initial question… Did you get married? Should I forget what we were? Please let me know about those things because I still hadn't gotten used to the idea of turning the page… it's a shame because I thought that in the book of my life I would be able to write a dedication to you at the end…”

But that characteristic sound of a telephone interrupted him.

Beep…

Beep…

Beep…

Herman had just hung up the phone.

[sparksnheurisis]

So, yup.

I'm not new to Tumblr but at least I am at posting.

I just moved here from AO3 since the page has been hacked, so now I must make a backup of all my dear works.

Soon you will be able to read here my halva fics or any other of anything I can think of.

[frog-artz]

HermAlva/HalVa headcanons because they're plaguing my mind (sorry it's long, like, it's their entire before manor lore):

Alva was the shy one

Herman was the first to confront Alva; they were both researching the same thing and Herman was like, "hmmm, he's cute, let's talk to him."

They became friends and there was always mutual feelings but none acted upon them

Herman met Maria(Luca's mum) and Alva watched sadly as Herman started his own life with Maria. He was never the less there for him tho

He met Luca before, when he was born to be precise. I don't care what NetEase says, it's my turn making the lore

Herman and Alva started the invention but suspicion started arising since they spent so much time together, alone, so Alva found a woman to marry who was in the same predicament

Alva and his wife made the mutual agreement they could see others in secret since they weren't in love but simply married for the social status

Herman took Luca with him to the lab sometimes

Herman cheated on Maria with Alva

Alva wanted to stop it, but he adored Herman too much

When Maria died Herman was heartbroken, of course, he did love her, but he stuck with Alva

Herman decided to say f you to society and chase a relationship with Alva

Alva was hesitant but agreed if they stayed together in secret

Luca grew up with the two of them taking care of him

Herman and Alva were pretty much Luca's dads

Herman kept trying to persuade Alva to run away with him and Luca but Alva declined, not wanting to throw everything they made together away

After an argument Herman took Luca and left, saying they just needed space

Alva was heartbroken and tried to do his best to get Herman to come back, or at least make sure he's living happily

Miscommunications happened and they lost contact, leaving Alva alone and heartbroken, with not even a proper wife to go back to

years later Luca came to his lab and asked to be his apprentice, claiming to have heard all about him from his father and having his biggest wish to work with him

Alva gladly accepted and Luca was surprised with the acceptance

Alva soon realized he didn't have memories of the two from when Alva helped raise him

Alva didn't stop treating him as his own son though

Eventually Alva tells Luca about their past and more misunderstandings happen

Alva protected Luca and died doing it