#He plays the piano. violin and a flute! he played those alone at his cabin.. aka ''The Music of Sorrows'' | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

assbuttyourlife · 7 years ago

Text

When We Were Young - Chapter Nineteen

Pairing : Misha/OFC

Warnings : Language, Fire, trauma, PTSD, family members’ death (including child), therapy, flashbacks (not in every chapter), injuries, cheating. Long fic. Angst, fluff, Smut. Mention of suicide.

Words : 7509

Summary : After her grandmother’s funeral, Lily must return to the place she lived in when she was young and has to confront the ghosts of her past. She will run into an old friend that she thought was lost forever.

WWWY Masterlist

AO3 link

Tags : @jhudawnareeves

CHAPTER 19 - Merry Christmas

*************************

September 1990. Nice - France.

“You need to keep your mind busy, Lily. You should choose an activity that you could focus on so you won’t think about all those bad things. Something you really love.”

Dr Dorville’s words stayed in Lily’s mind for a while before she accepted the idea of not thinking about her past and what happened to her family and friends a couple of months earlier.

Her psychiatrist was right, she was thinking too much, she knew that, but how do you stop thinking about your mom screaming your name while you’re chocking on smoke? How do you stop hearing your little brother’s screams through the door? How do you forget the sight of the man you planned to spend the rest of your life with dead in your arms?

Burying in something she loved and was good at seemed like a good idea. She had two options: dance or music.

She loved dancing, it was a real passion, she even took lessons back home in Northfield. She particularly liked tango, but she was interested in all kinds of dances. As long as she could forget herself and live the music through her body, it was fine for her.

Though with that huge and gross scar on her back, she couldn’t see herself swaying her body in beautiful dresses. Everybody would think she’s a freak, or they would ask questions she didn’t want to answer. And of course, it would bring back awful memories when she was specifically supposed to forget.

So much for option one.

Option two then! She could play in the school orchestra, or join the local orchestra. And there she had two options again: piano or violin.

She wasn’t very fond of her school. All the kids were looking at her weirdly because she was new and had a huge scar. She also looked sad all the time which didn’t help either. No need to say she wasn’t very popular, especially when she couldn’t communicate properly as she wasn’t speaking French fluently yet.

Local orchestra it will be then!

Now… piano or violin? All she could think about when she thought about piano was Misha’s hands next to hers, trying to learn new pieces, practicing and laughing a lot, and often leading to making out on the piano bench until her mom or her brother would interrupt. He had so nice hands… and what he could do with those hands!

Okay… violin will be wiser.

That’s how she ended up auditioning as a violinist for the Nice Symphony orchestra in the end of 1990.

She was nervous. Not so much because she was scared of being bad, she knew she was good enough to impress the conductor, but she couldn’t speak French that much and she didn’t want to meet new people who would ask tons of questions. She wasn’t sure all of this was a good idea after all.

But still… while she was here queuing with her violin ready in her hand, looking at other students who wanted a position very bad, maybe more than her, she wasn’t thinking about home… it actually worked quite well.

“Première audition?”

A voice behind her took her out of her reverie. She turned around and saw a girl with long black hair and huge red glasses, holding her flute, expecting her to answer something with her big dark sparkling eyes fixing her.

Problem was she didn’t understand what she said…

“Sorry um… pas Française.” she replied with her ugly accent.

“Oh! You’re from England? Lucky you, my aunt lives in London so I speak English too!” She looked so excited about it that she almost jumped.

Uh... A french person who speaks English, that's a rare specie.

“Actually I’m American.”

“Well, I’m very happy to meet you, I’m Katie, and if they don’t call me in five minutes for my audition, I think I will pee my pants from being so nervous.”

She actually managed to make her chuckle… that was quite a miracle these days!

“I’m Lily.”

“Nice to meet you, Lily.” She approached her face really close to Lily who didn't know what was happening, and suddenly she kissed her cheek, and then the other.

What... the... FUCK??? Personal space, lady!!!

“How did you end up here?”

She sighed. And now the questions… why did she talk in the first place?

“Let’s just say I need a distraction and music is the best option for me.”

“I know what you mean. My dad says playing with other people will help channeling my energy. I… can be a little too much excited sometimes.”

No kidding…

“Elise Hagen?” The tall man called, and Lily stepped inside the auditorium.

“Good luck!” She heard Katie screaming behind her, so she turned around and gave her a weak smile.

A few days later, both of them found each other back in that same auditorium for their first day as a musician in Nice orchestra.

After school, Lily was always happy to meet Katie. She wasn’t living too far from her, and as she was two years younger, Lily was glad to help her with homework and practicing. Katie helped Lily learning French and she made great progress in a short time thanks to her. They became good friends and Lily was very grateful to have someone to talk to.

“So… you never told me why you moved to France to live with your grandmother. Where are your parents? Oh, let me guess… they work for a huge American company and they travel a lot!”

“You watch too much TV, Katie. My parents are dead, and my grandmother lived in America too. We both moved.”

They were at the beach, it was the weekend and they decided to take a break from practicing so here they were, both enjoying the sun lying on their towel.

Katie sat when she heard Lily’s confession.

“Both of them? May I ask what happened?”

“My dad died in a car accident when I was ten. My mom…” she swallowed the lump in her throat. Except for Dr Dorville, she had not talked about it with anyone “she died a few months ago. Our house burnt and she didn’t make it.”

Katie’s eyes fell on her scar.

“Yeah. That’s why I have that too.”

“I’m really sorry, Lily. I didn’t know… sometimes I talk too fast without thinking and-“

“It’s okay, Katie. I’m glad I told you. It feels kinda good to finally be able to tell someone.”

“You haven’t told anyone?” Katie was very surprised. They knew each other for a few weeks now, they talked about everything, and she was far from thinking something so horrible could’ve happened to Lily.

“No. It was too hard. We were six persons that night. I’m the only one who made it and I hate myself for that. I probably will feel guilty forever.”

“Six? You had brothers and sisters?”

“Only one little brother. But we were living with friends and… well like I said, I’m the only one.”

For once, Katie stayed quite for a little while. She didn’t know what to say, and she couldn't believe something that awful could happen to someone so young. You’re not supposed to lose your parents so early, needless to say your siblings, and particularly not the same day in such a violent way.

“Don’t you miss your friends from America?”

“I miss my best friend a lot. But he died that night too so… even if I go back there I won’t find him back.”

Lily sat too and smiled at Katie. “But I’m glad I found someone who I can talk to like I did with him.”

Katie leaned over and gave her a warm hug.

“Always. I’ll always be here. Promise.”

From that day, they never left each other, and when one needed to talk, the other was always here. When one was feeling bad, the other could always sheer her up.

************************

Vienna – Austria. December 24 2013.

How could it be more depressing? It was Christmas Eve and Lily was truly alone for the first time. Plus she was totally lost in a country she knew nothing about. She was sitting on her small sofa, looking around her. She had stuck a lot of pictures on her wall so it would appeared less empty, that way the people she loved were with her just a little bit.

She had a lot of pictures with Katie, of course, a few with David at work, even one with Ludo.

You have to be grateful for the awesome position he found you!

She kept saying that to herself, but right now it was so hard to stay positive!

There were pictures of her grandmother. One very recent, a few weeks before she died, Lily was posing with her in the garden of her house in Nice when she went visiting for spring holidays. One with her grandfather too, they were making flower crowns in his workshop back in Litchfield.

There was one picture of her little brother Ryan, playing football with Sasha in the farm’s backyard, one picture of her mom and dad holding hands on the front porch, one picture of her mom holding her when she was a baby, one picture of Rebecca and her two sons smiling like they were the most happy family ever, one picture of her dancing with Misha in the barn.

She had to laugh at that one, remembering how clumsy he was when he tried to dance.

There was also a picture of Misha building the cabin near the willow tree. Of course he didn’t do it alone, her grandfather started to build it, but since he died before it was done, Misha promised he would finish it with Sasha, and he kept his promise.

She actually had a lot of pictures of Misha and his family when they lived together; she thought one day they would probably love to see them. She took the ones her grandmother kept too so she had quite a collection now.

The last picture on her wall was their photo op at JIB4 and she smiled looking at it. She thought about everything that had happened between the last two photos and was soon overwhelmed so she stopped. Too many things, mostly bad. She had to think about something else, to change her mind, but how can you change your mind when you’re alone on Christmas Eve in a too small apartment like a lion in a cage?

She stood up, looked outside her window and sighed. She had to admit Vienna was a wonderful city, the architecture was amazing, plus it was snowing which added a soft touch. She lived near the opera since she worked there, and she was stunned the first time she stepped inside the building. It was absolutely beautiful, and she was very lucky to work in such a place with such prestigious musicians.

There was a nice park not so far, maybe she should take a walk in the snow? Of course nobody was outside on Christmas Eve, everybody was with their families, so she would be alone outside too… but at least she would have some fresh air, and when she’d came back, she would open the present Katie sent. It was sitting on her coffee table since she had no Christmas tree. It was a small box with a note on it, saying “Do NOT open before Christmas! I’ll know it!”

She smiled, it was typically Katie.

Okay, don’t be a baby and go outside!

She finally took her coat, scarf and hat, put her boots on and left her apartment. She walked to the park and was even surprised to see some shops were still open at 6pm on Christmas Eve, but at least it brought a bit of life on her way.

When she reached the park, there was no single soul.

Depressing.

She walked along the main alley, saw a lot of benches with snow on it, obviously nobody had been here for a long time. It was actually pretty peaceful after all.

When she arrived near the chapel, she was surprised to see some movement. She slowed down her pace a moment to observe and saw a woman with two boys sitting on a bench, eating pretzels. They looked kind of sloppy and they probably were cold considering their poor winter clothes, not to mention they were wearing sneakers in the snow. She heard the smaller boy coughing, and it hit her like a wall of brick.

Don’t think about Misha, don’t think about his family, change your mind!

But really… what were the odds to find a woman with two boys outside on Christmas Eve in the snow? How was she supposed to think about something else when it was almost exactly what happened when she found Misha’s family living in a freaking tent? Was she supposed to pass and ignore them? Was it supposed to be normal to be cold, homeless and eat pretzels on a park bench on Christmas night?

What would her mother think if she could see this right now? She would definitely stop to help them even just a little. So would her grandparents. She couldn’t just walk away and do nothing.

She looked inside her purse and took her wallet out. She really hoped the woman wouldn’t be mad, but she approached and greeted them before handing her a hundred euro bill.

“Merry Christmas.” she shyly said looking the woman in the eyes and nodding at her so she would take it.

The woman stared at Lily a moment and looked around her. She probably thought it was a joke or something, but after a little while she gave a weak smile and took the money from Lily’s hand.

“Vielen Dank, Fräulein. Möge Gott Sie reich segnen.”

Oh, right… German. Damn it!

“Frohe Weihnachten.” she simply replied with a terrible accent and smiled with a nod.

The two young boys looked at her like she was an alien, but she smiled at them too and walked away, her eyes were starting to shine a little too much and she didn’t want to look even weirder.

She walked towards her apartment, and on her way home, she thought about what could’ve happened if her mother didn’t invite Rebecca, Misha and Sasha that night too. They would’ve spent Christmas in their tent… with a very sick kid. They wouldn’t have lived with them at the farm, their friendship wouldn’t have been strengthened, and eventually they would’ve left forever and became strangers again, and they would’ve stayed away from Northfield without coming back.

But then… they wouldn’t have fried in the fire a few years later.

Oh come on, Lily! Get your shit together! Stop over thinking!

She sped up to come back home because she was cold, and when she was at her front door, she noticed a piece of paper stuck on it. She took it and saw it was a delivery ticket with a word from the delivery man scribbled on it.

“I left the package in your mail box. Merry Christmas.”

Lily smiled and went to get the package out of her mail box. It was the size of a shoe box, and it came from Bellingham WA… interesting.

She came inside her apartment, took her coat and boots off, and put the box on the table. She needed to open Katie’s present first. It was 8pm on Christmas Eve, close enough, right?

She opened the tiny box while her tea was brewing. It was a box from Pandora Jewellery, so she knew right away what was inside. They went shopping one day and when they passed in front of Pandora's window, Lily saw that beautiful feather charm she wanted to add to her bracelet.

She never knew why but she always liked feathers, that’s why her grandfather made a dream catcher for her.

Without any surprise, the stunning sparkling feather was inside the tiny box, and Lily’s smile grew wide across her face. She took it and put it on her bracelet. She would send Katie a message, but she couldn’t do it now or she would know she opened her present too early.

She poured some hot tea in a mug and sat on her sofa with Misha’s package. She really wondered what he could’ve sent her. When she opened it, she saw an old, dirty and rusty metal box and her heart stopped.

Is that our freaking time capsule?

She totally forgot about it, they buried it when they when fifteen, they were already dating for a while, and they swore they would open it when they’d both turn thirty.

Geez we’re almost forty now…

There was two envelopes outside the box: one from Misha, and one from Vicki.

Oh my God… I can’t open that!!

She started by opening Misha’s message and read it.

Lily,

I can’t be with you for Christmas so I thought I would send you a little something to help you remember I’ll always be with you no matter what.

I wanted to dig our time capsule out with you, but since you’re gone and you’ll probably sell the farm, I decided it would be a shame to lose it…plus we’re almost ten years late!

I hope you’ll have as much fun as I did.

Merry Christmas sweetheart.

Love,

Misha.

P.S. Don’t eat what’s supposed to be eatable… I tried, it was a mistake. Oh and… I transferred the video and audio files on a flash drive, I figured you wouldn’t be able to play them otherwise. We’ll watch the original ones together ;)

She laughed. Did they really put food in that capsule? She couldn’t even remember what was inside!

Without waiting more, she opened the metal box and scanned the few items she could see. Her heart was pounding in her chest; she could already see a few pictures, and the flash drive he was talking about in his note.

She would watch it last, because it would probably be the hardest part. She first took the Polaroid photos in her hands. Her dad gave it to her when she was ten, just before he died, and she had it with her pretty much all the time, taking a LOT of pictures.

There was a picture of Misha and her when they were very young, they must’ve been ten or eleven on it. They were inside her grandfather’s workshop, sticking their tongues out for the photo.

Dorks.

She couldn’t help but laughed at the next one: it was a picture she took of Misha right before they left for the school dance.

Oh my God the freaking blond ponytail!

She chuckled again… he certainly looked better now, but she kinda liked his long hair at the time, she could've spent hours burying her hand in his soft hair.

And the next photo made her blush furiously, which was insane because she was alone, but she couldn’t believe they did that.

They were totally naked but sort of hidden under Lily’s patchwork blanket, both lying on the straw in the small barn. Misha was holding the camera at arm’s length to take the picture of them snuggling after what looked like a nice summer sex session.

Aaaand that probably explains Vicki’s letter… I’m so dead.

She turned the photo and saw something written at the back. “Mom, if you find this before we do, chill out! Lily.”

God, she also forgot what a brat she was.

There were a few other pictures at school with friends, and she felt a wave of shame consuming her when she saw Darius. He was their friend, and he kept in touch with Misha for all those years, thinking she was dead too, and she didn’t even take the time to stop by his place to say hello. She had him on the phone a few times, but it was not the same. She would definitely have to fix that and soon. There was a tiny post-it note on the picture with Darius: “I’ll need that back for blackmail purpose. M.”

I don’t even wanna know. She chuckled.

She almost cried when she saw a picture of her grandfather working with Misha and Sasha, but she kept a strong face, nobody has the right to cry on Christmas night!

There sure were a lot of pictures, but on every single one of them, everybody looked happy, and Lily thought she had really been blessed for having such a happy childhood, surrounded by loving people.

She sighed and rummaged through the box to find something else. There was a movie ticket, they went to see “Big” for their first official date.

Ah Tom Hanks… never a disappointment, she joked. That was a great night by the way.

Then she found the supposedly “eatable” item: Skittles. They both loved those candies, hell she still did! She opened the small bag, which was previously shut with staples since Misha tasted it first, but the lovely smell of Skittles was gone and the colours had faded… It should’ve been a sign it wasn’t eatable anymore.

She then took the wooden keychain that was inside the box. Misha shaped it of course, there was the Chevrolet logo on it, and a note saying “For our future car” hanging on it. He sure was a dreamer.

She frowned when she saw a tiny bottle with greenish liquid in it. That looked gross to be honest, but she couldn’t remember what it was. She opened the tiny cork plug which made a cute popping sound, and when she smelled it, she almost threw up but that’s exactly when she remembered what it was.

Olfactory memory!

Rebecca always had this… “special skill” to make medicine out of plants. Lily found that very funny when she was a kid, it was a bit like she was a magician, a witch… or a hippie she didn’t really know, but as she grew up, she just realized she had no money to buy medicines, so she clearly had no choice. Thing was, one day she was sick and Rebecca was the only one around, so she used that little potion on her, and as gross as it was, it worked! She never knew what was inside, Rebecca wouldn’t tell her (now that she was an adult, she knew it was probably something illegal), but she insisted to put a bottle in the capsule, because she would remember that awful smell forever.

That made her laugh too.

She was almost done, there was a piece of paper, and then she would have to look at the flash drive.

When she unfolded the piece of paper, she saw it was a list of things, untitled “ Ten Future predictions”.

Omg we were such nerds.

The first thing on the list was “We’ll be married, live in a big house with two kids (preferably a boy and a girl) and a LOT of animals, Misha will probably be President and Lily a famous dancer.”

Holy shit couldn’t we be more wrong!

Actually one point was true: Misha DID have two kids, a boy and a girl… wrong mother though, she bitterly thought. Obviously they wrote the list after he proposed, right before burying the capsule.

And… really? President? She had to laugh at that too. A famous actor was way better than President after all.

Second point was “I’ll drive a Chevrolet, hence the keychain.”

Sure Misha! Wait… Isn’t the car from his show a Chevrolet?

And the list went on:

3- We’ll be super rich. (Eeh… not so bad).

4- Ryan and Sasha will finally leave our asses alone. (Well, Ryan that’s for sure.)

5- Rebecca will buy real medicine. (That needs to be verified.)

6- We’ll use our money to make people happy. (Misha sure does, and I gave a hundred bill to a homeless family, that counts right?)

7- Lily will have bright red hair and Misha grey! HAHA! (Oh… not bad, Lily, you nailed it! I’ll have to check if Misha’s got grey hair though.)

8-We will go back to Northfield to kiss under our tree. (Nope!)

9-Misha will finally learn how to dance. (I'm still waiting but I'm starting to think he's a lost cause)

10- Whatever happens, wherever we are, we will be together and love each other forever.

Oh please!

She folded the piece of paper and threw it back in the box. Stupid teens.

Now was the time to plug the flash drive in and see what was on it. She took her laptop and plugged it in, revealing two files: “Mix tape” and “Videos”.

She clicked on the first one and a few song titles appeared on her screen. A little laugh escaped her lips when she saw the first one: Africa – Toto. She still loved that song and often listened to it, but when she was young, she couldn’t help dancing on it. She used to extend her arms wide open and turn around in circles during the whole refrain, and she didn’t care who was around and what people could think, she wouldn’t stop, and Misha enjoyed it every single time. Of course she calmed down with age.

She looked at the other songs: Walking On Sunshine, Take On Me, Letter for Elise… Mistral Gagnant?? She clicked on the last one and as soon as the piano started playing, tears formed in her eyes. It was a French song that her grandmother listened all the time, and Lily had loved it the moment she heard it when she was young because it sounded like a lullaby, though she didn’t understand what the man was singing, she adored the sad and soft piano melody behind. Later, she learnt how to play it and of course, she taught it to Misha who loved the song too.

Today, she could understand the lyrics, and when she heard Renaud starting singing, she couldn’t help the tears, and she couldn’t stop crying, even when the song ended.

Nobody has the right to cry on Christmas day!

She quickly shook her head to regain composure and clicked on the video file. What a mistake she did there! It was full of short clips of her with her family for several events, birthdays, Christmas, school events, everybody was here: her grandparents, her mom and dad, Ryan, Rebecca, Misha, Sasha, everybody was so happy, or so in love, dancing, laughing, screaming, playing, eating… hearing their voices after so long was torture.

That was too much to handle. She remembered all those things, but she had carefully stocked those memories in a corner of her mind so it would stop hurting so much after she lost everything. But now, watching these on Christmas Eve, alone in fucking AUSTRIA, when Misha and his family, and Katie were at the other side of the ocean, it was just unbearable for her.

She shut her laptop, threw everything back in the capsule angrily, took her phone and without thinking, pressed the call button near Misha’s name. She just needed to hear his voice a few seconds and she would feel better. She needed to know how he reacted when he opened the time capsule on his own. Was it hard for him to? Or was he happy about it?

He picked up quickly.

“Is it Christmas in Austria yet?”

FUCK! Time difference… What time was it in Seattle right now? She thought fast, afraid she would wake him up or disturb him in an inappropriate moment. Fortunately, it must’ve been 3pm where he was so she sighed in relief.

“Almost.” She replied with a low shaky voice.

“Wow, Lily, are you okay? You sound weird.”

She couldn’t hide it from him, could she?

She cleared her throat.

“I just opened our time capsule.”

She could here kids screaming and laughing behind him, and dishes clattering.

“Is it a bad time?”

“No, no, wait a second…”

She could hear him walk and when she heard the sound of a door closing, the screams disappeared with all the other noises in his house.

“Alright I’m in my office, we won’t be disturbed. So the package arrived already? I’m glad! I didn’t know if it would be on time.”

“Yes… when did you come back to dig it out?”

“Last day of our trip, after you left.”

“Oh you mean when you promised you wouldn’t go back inside the house on your own?”

“Exactly, and I didn’t. That’s why I went to the pond to dig it out.”

Right… they buried it near their tree of course.

“We were supposed to dig it out together.”

“When we’d turn thirty, yeah, but we’re almost forty and you’re in Europe so what could I do? Wait ten more years? Don’t you think we’ve wasted enough time already?”

She went to look out her window absentmindedly. It was still snowing, and no one was outside.

“Yeah.”

“So did you have a good laugh? I sure did!”

So that was his reaction… he laughed. Well she did too at first.

“I did. And then I didn’t.”

She paused but Misha stayed quiet.

“When we put all those things inside it, I was far from imagining everything would be gone the day I’d reopen it.” Her voice started shaking again.

“I’m not gone. You are though.” Misha replied in his low and sad voice.

Silence again.

“Do you like it there?”

Did she? She’d been in Vienna for two weeks, and it already felt like two years. Her job was great for sure, but the loneliness was so heavy!

“I can’t communicate, I live in a tiny apartment, it’s cold and I’m alone…”

“So no…”

“I don’t know. I like my job, but starting a new life for the second time is scary.”

“It was your choice, Lily. All of it. I told you not to go, and if you hadn’t been so scared, I could even be with you right now.”

And not be with his kids for Christmas? Sure what a dream! She would certainly not feel bad about that! Why did he always have to make her feel like crap?

“You think I called to hear you say I do nothing right in my life and I can’t take a freaking decision, Mister Perfection?”

She heard him sigh. She was mean and unfair because he was right, but she didn’t want to admit it, not even to herself.

“Why did you call then?”

Clearly he knew why, and that was exactly what he wanted to hear. But she couldn’t say it, could she?

“I told you, I just opened the capsule and I saw all of our memories and…” She paused, not knowing how to finish the sentence without sounding nostalgic.

“And?” Misha insisted. He knew perfectly what she wanted to say, he needed to hear it so bad!

Of course she didn’t.

“And it was fun at first, but then I plugged the flash drive in and I listened to our songs, and I watched the videos of my familyandnowI’mlosingit.”

She held her tears back for too long, now she couldn’t anymore.

She heard Misha taking a deep shaky breath.

“What do you think it did to me?”

“You… you said you had a good laugh.”

“I did at first too. What you’ve lost, I lost too, Lily. The consequences were not the same for me, sure, but it really felt like losing half of my family too, and my plans for the future along with it.”

Holy shit he was supposed to make her feel better but she cried even more.

“I’m sorry” she managed to say between sobs.

“For what? Damn it, Lily! You gave me and my family everything we needed back then, and much more. I was happy! WE were happy. I’m grateful for it, you should be too. Stop living in the past and move on.”

He said it a little too loud making it sound a bit rude, but he really wanted her to react.

She was now crouched down in front of the warm radiator, still weeping.

“STOP! Just stop it. I shouldn’t have called. Have a merry Chris-”

“Don’t you dare hang up the damn phone!”

She heard the urge in his voice so she didn’t hang up, but she stayed silent.

“It could be so much easier for both of us if you’d only let me back in your life.”

She sat on the floor and hugged her knees with one arm, her back still stuck on the old radiator, but she still said no word.

Misha scoffed and chuckled “What a stubborn brat you are. Why won’t you say it?”

Damn it.

“Say what?”

“You know what. Don’t play innocent. I know exactly why you called. Did you open what Vicki sent by the way?”

Crap! She completely forgot about that thing! It must be a Christmas card or something anyway.

“Yeah I did.”

He ironically laughed. “No you didn’t. You wouldn’t call me and cry on the phone remembering our childhood if you’d had seen it.”

What the hell did she send her? Now she was curious.

She sighed “Fine. I didn’t. I will when you let me hang up the damn phone!”

“You’re not allowed to hang up until you tell me why you really called.”

He wouldn’t let go, would he?

“Jesus and I’m the stubborn one? Who did you want me to call after opening that thing?”

“Say it. Please.”

A few seconds of deep silence went by, and when she understood he wouldn’t say another word before she admitted the truth, she resigned.

“I miss you.”

Finally! Misha sighed and closed his eyes.

“Was it so hard?”

“Yes.” She said between sobs. “What’s the point, uh? What did you want to prove with that? That you were right? You have tons of girls around the planet who miss you everyday but you needed one more to score?”

He scoffed and shook his head.

“Are you done? I can’t believe you said that. You’re mad at yourself, not at me, so calm down and just admit it. When you’ll see that clearly, maybe we can have a real conversation.”

One more sob: “I hate it here… I wanna go back to Seattle so bad.” Her face was a mess, her mascara was all over her cheeks, she had bitten her lower lip, and snot was coming down her nose… what a pathetic show!

“Then pack your stuff and come back, or stay and take your life back, but stop crying over it, that won’t lead you anywhere! And by the way, I miss you two, but do you at least care about that?”

He was right… again. She needed to do something about it. She didn’t know what yet, but she would definitely take the right decision for once, instead of fleeing like always.

“You don’t miss me, Misha. You miss the girl I was when I was sixteen. I’m not that girl anymore. You can’t have that back. And when I think about it, maybe I just miss the old you too after all.” She sniffed.

“Thank you, Dr Freud, but unlike you, I know exactly what I want, and I told you when we were in Northfield. You declined because you were scared, that’s it. Don’t twist it your way. The girl I loved is still here, I’ve seen her somewhere under the thick layers of depression hiding her right now. She's broken but it's fine, I'm broken too. I can bring her back if she lets me, but for that she needs to trust me.”

What the hell was she supposed to answer to that?

“Do you need me to fly to Austria to prove it?”

“WHAT? No! No, stay with your kids, it’s Christmas for God’s sake! Just… I’ll get better. I’m depressed because it’s my first Christmas alone but, I’ll manage it. Promise.”

He chuckled. “Alright.”

She heard someone knocking on his door.

“You should go, they’re waiting for you.”

“It’s just West who wants to know who I’m talking to. Do I tell him I’m speaking to the woman who promised to play piano with him?”

Thank you, Misha, one more reason to feel bad. She completely forgot about that too… What a good mom she would be if she had kids.

“Don’t you dare! I’m going to hang up. Just go.”

“Okay. Merry Christmas, Lily. Let me know what you decide.”

“Sure. Merry Christmas, Misha. And… Thank you.”

She looked at her clock; it was now officially Christmas here.

“You’re welcome. Love ya.”

“Bye.” She replied before hanging up.

She sighed and went to look at herself in the bathroom mirror. What a sad sight she was right now! She washed her face and changed into her pajamas before going back on her sofa to clean her stuff, when her eyes found Vicki’s message. It was time to face it…

She opened the envelop and started reading.

Dear Lily,

We don’t know each other very well, even if I have the feeling you’ve always been here. When I first met Misha, he was a very depressed young man who lost everything, you included, and I swore I would not let him fall. He didn’t deserve that. Today I’m proud to say I succeeded.

When he came back from Northfield a few months ago, I’ve seen a glimpse of that depressed boy again and I didn’t like it. He explained to me what happened and I want you to know that I totally understand, and I also know he still loves you. He actually never stopped, and I was okay with that too.

When we planed to get married years ago, I told him I would do it only if he could write a letter to you and give it to me the day before the wedding, without worrying about me reading it. Whatever would be in the letter, I would accept it because it’s a part of him. I’ve learned in psychology class it’s an efficient exercise to move on after you lost someone you deeply loved.

He did so, and I think this letter needs to be yours now.

Whatever you decide after that, stick with it and be sure you can trust him (but you probably know that already), and you can trust me. I’ll ask only one thing of you: Don’t play with his feelings, and don’t forget he’s also a dad now. (Okay, that’s two things…)

Merry Christmas,

Vicki.

Lily expected everything but this. What a mature woman Vicki was… How wrong was she to believe she was mad at her and Misha for what happened in Northfield!

Reading that letter made her feel much better already.

But then… she found the older letter from Misha, and she was scared to open it. He wrote a letter to her dead self? That was… weird. Dr Dorville asked her to do the same for every member of her family, and every person who died in the fire. She never did… It was too hard, and too weird for her. Maybe if she had, she would’ve avoided a lot of mood swings and depression phases.

She unfolded it with shaky hands and took a deep breath.

Lily,

I’ve looked at that piece of paper for hours without even being able to find a good way to start. I’ve wondered how you would want me to call you, and since you’ve never liked ridiculous sweet names, I figured your beautiful nickname would be enough.

I don’t even know where to start… I don’t know if I will be able to do this.

Someone asked me to write to you today, because tomorrow is an important day in my life, and you’re not here to share it with me as we planned. You've been gone for twelve years already, and it still feels like it was yesterday.

Tomorrow, I’m marrying another woman, and no matter how hard I try to convince myself, I still feel like I’m cheating on you, like I’m betraying our promise, and I don’t know if I will ever stop hating myself for this.

I love her, and you would probably like her too if you knew her. Sometimes she manages to make me feel as good as I felt when I was with you. But you have to know one thing: no matter what will happen next, no matter how much I love Vicki, wherever you are right now, just know I will NEVER stop loving you. I just can’t, and no one could ever replace you.

I will always dream about what life could’ve been with you by my side, and I will always treasure our memories together. Mom tells me all the time it was destiny, but even if I want to believe it, I still can’t deal with the fact I will never see you again. I still hate waking up in the morning without your body against mine, without seeing your face lighting up my day, without your kisses making me feel alive.

And boy did you make me feel alive, and loved. You even managed to make me feel normal, we both know it’s close to a miracle, right? I was where I belonged with you and your family, and for that, I want to thank you.

But if Vicki taught me one thing, it’s that being normal sucks somehow, and I believe she’s right. So we will be not normal together now, and I really hope you can see I’m not doing it to forget about you. No matter how hard I try, I will never be able to forget about you, about us. And if one day I have kids, I won’t be surprised to try to think about what they would’ve looked like if you'd been their mother.

I couldn’t start writing and now I can’t stop… I feel like if I stop, you’ll go for good, and that’s not a pleasant feeling.

But I need to. I need to go on with my life, and I really hope you’re in a nice place with your dad, your mom, Ryan and your grandfather. I wonder if you can hear me when I think about you.

I tried to find your grandma… but nobody knows where she went, so I went to the cemetery, they buried you with your dad, but there is no name on your grave. It was depressing so I left. I’ll go back to the farm eventually.

Anyway, here I am today, writing to my dead future wife because my actual future wife asked me to… can it be more confusing? But it does feel good in a way. It would feel even better if you could answer me, or send me a sign so I can know for sure you agree with this, but you can’t, so I will take a shot and assume you’d want me to try and be happy.

And still… my heart can’t comprehend you’re not the person I will spend the rest of my life with. Mom says it will get better with time, but it's been so long already and it still hurts.

Alright… I think it’s time to go now. Do I have to tell you again how much I miss you and how much I love you? I suppose you know it, but no one can hear it too much, right?

Just, remember #10 on our prediction list (which is half crap already, considering): Whatever happens, wherever we are, we will be together and love each other forever. I think this is the only prediction that will turn out to stay true.

With all my love,

Your Misha.

And she had thought she couldn’t cry harder today… How can someone stay dry reading this? Her heart broke in million pieces, and all she wanted right now was to take the first flight and go back to Misha and never let him go.

But she really had to calm down and think this through first.

Don’t play with his feelings and remember he’s also a dad now.

She didn’t know what to do with her life yet, but she took her phone and sent Vicki a text message.

“Thank you. Merry Christmas. Lily.”

Nothing more, but she figured she would understand.

#misha collins #fanfiction #when we were young #young misha #slow built #misha x OFC #long fitted skirts

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odderancyart · 7 years ago

Text

On a Never Resting Sea

Chapter III: The Cabin

First Last Next

AO3

Summary: Razz, the heir of the Beobyrian Empire, is on his way home from a diplomatic mission as his ship gets attacked by pirates. Suddenly he finds himself taken as hostage, and it doesn’t seem like the pirates are planning to exchange him for a ransom anytime soon. How annoying.

Warnings: violence, death, blood, hostage holding, kidnapping

The dinner room was loud and jolly. Laughter echoed between the wooden walls as the crew of Sarynthia ate breakfast. Scraping the last of his eggs – their last eggs – off his plate Red grinned widely at Grillby, the ship cook, who was sitting next to him.

“great as always, grillbz,” he said, chewing loudly. He downed half of his mug with tea as he swallowed. “tho’ it could’ve been even better with some more salt.”

The fire elemental stared at him as his purple flames flickered. Despite hardly having a face, he looked unimpressed, and Red’s grin grew wider.

“jus’ some constructive critique, buddy.”

For that, he received a slap on his head, and he let out an “ow”. The human who sat on his other side chuckled.

“STOP ANNOYING GRILLBY, BROTHER,” his brother called from the opposite side of the table. Fell sounded irritated, but there was an obvious edge of amusement in his voice. Turning to him, Red scratched the back of his head as he smiled at the other.

“aw, boss,” he whined jokingly, picking up his plate to lick it off. None of the rare egg and bacon would be left behind. “dontcha think my yolks are egg-ceptional?”

“I CERTAINLY DO NOT. THEY ARE TRULY AWFUL.”

Pouting, he waved to one of the cabin kids to come take his plate. The kid, a wyvern not yet old enough for wings and therefore armless, did so by having Red putting it on a plate he held in his mouth. The crew members sitting close roared in laughter as they spoke. The skeleton brothers’ conversations were a favourite every day. Even those days they weren’t that special, like today.

“don’ egg-saggregate, bro,” Red told the taller, and stood up. “welp. time fer work, i guess.”

“Right!” Sigrid, the Sailing Master and Sarynthia’s third highest officer, said. She downed the last of her drink before standing. “Red, I need you to take a look at the cannons on larboard side.”

“ugh,” he replied, smirking as he walked toward the door. “why y’all have got ta give me so much t’ do i’ll never know.” He sent his superior a lazy salute. “aye, aye, ma’am. in a soulbeat.”

The light that came through the window wasn’t enough. Therefore, there were a couple lit oil lamps on the working desk even in the middle of the day. This job required great amounts of care or the results could be disastrous. Red moved the magnifying glass even closer to the gun he was putting together, as he used a tweezer to put the last parts into place. A normal gun wasn’t hard to make. Any idiot could and it’d work relatively well. The reason he made the crew’s firearms was that his was simply much better. Which also meant they were more dangerous if they went wrong. He’d almost blown his arm off once.

Focusing intently, he put the last piece in place before snapping the gun closed with a triumphant smile on his face. Red put it down on the desk before stretching. After sitting hunched for hours he was quite stiff. Yawning, he stood up and blew out the lamps before leaving his working cabin.

The fresh wind hit his face hard, and he breathed in the smell of salt. Red’s smile softened as he locked the cabin door behind him. The ocean was lovely, and so much better than the city backstreets they grew up on. Big, wild and free. Blinking, he shook himself quickly. No such sentimental thoughts in his head, thank you very much. He threw a glance at Zanã, blinking against the bright light. According to the position, it was afternoon already.

“Hey, Red,” a voice yelled from the mainmast. Looking up, he saw Fuku, Grillby’s younger sister, hanging upside down in one of the top sail yards. He smirked, and waved back at her. “Watch me!”

“careful, pal.” He chuckled as she frowned. If there was one thing the blue elemental disliked, it was being told to be careful. “grillby would skin me alive if somethin’ happened to ya when i was ‘ere.”

Sticking out her tongue, she let go of the yard. Red gaped in horror as she fell toward the deck, faster and faster. His soul pounded violently. Fuku’s flames flickered in the wind. His hand flew out of his pocket to grab her soul, but before he had the chance, she passed the lower sail yard. Her arms flew out, and she grabbed it. After swinging around a couple turns, she simply sat on it. Still gaping, Red stared at her as she grinned at him.

“Awesome, right?” she called out. There were a few beats of silence before Red blinked, and began to chuckle. Soon he was clutching his ribs in laughter.

“yeah, ya lil’ brat,” he agreed. “tha’ was incredible, and ya scared me shitless.”

Fuku grinned widely at him. It looked triumphant – the little terror loved to do this. Shaking his head and still chuckling, Red made his way toward the kitchens. He had a princess to feed.

When Razz had woken up that morning, he had been very surprised to find himself curled into a ball, still dressed and covered by a plaid. Slightly disgusted with himself too, for losing control like that. Then even more as he realized he had nowhere to wash himself off in the cabin. His body felt slow and his mind was hazy after crying himself asleep the night before. Nevertheless, he had forced himself out of bed. After changing clothes, because there was no way he’d wear the same thing two days in a row, especially not after sleeping in it, he began to look through his chests again. There was still a couple of his things he hadn’t checked on.

While he did so, he hummed a familiar melody. It had always calmed him down, ever since he was a babybones and his parents sang it for him. As he reached down into the chest, to the very bottom, his soul beat nervously. He hadn’t thought about it yesterday, somehow, with all the stir and trauma, but now Razz couldn’t help but worry it wouldn’t be there. There was no reason for the pirates to take it: It didn’t look expensive and they wouldn’t know how much it was worth, yet…

He sighed in relief as he grabbed the bundle of fabrics. Lifting it up and carefully starting to unwrap it Razz hummed louder. He smiled as the lacked, carved wood appeared beneath the fabric. His soul felt a little lighter as he opened it, and the very same melody began to play. He studied the intricate patterns on the ancient music box, tracing them with a phalange. The wood was steady but soft. As the melody soothed him, Razz felt his shoulders sink. Breathing suddenly seemed easier. He put it on the desk without closing it.

His smile broadened as he picked up the two objects which had been lying on the bottom of the chest without documents. Quickly unpacking them, Razz grinned. Thank fuck. Perhaps he wouldn’t be that bored. He pulled slightly on the violin’s strings. Seemed like the pirates hadn’t been on them. Neither did his flute seem harmed in any way.

Later that day, Razz was standing in the middle of the cabin and playing the violin. As music flowed from his fingers, he frowned in concentration. The strings dug into his phalanges as he pressed. The bow flew over them. Without notes, he had to play from memory, and this was a very quick, complicated piece. The melody flowed through the room. Razz’s soul beat quickly. Adrenaline was rushing through his bones as the melody sped up. Some sweat was running down his brow and he held his breath as he did the final sweep with the bow. And… stop. With a twist of his wrist, the bow lifted from the strings. His breathing was strained, but he grinned.

A clapping noise was heard, and Razz startled. He twisted his head to see Red standing in the door opening, clapping loudly. The pirate was smiling.

“well done!” Red said, continuing with his applause. “’t was beautiful, princess. yer real good.”

Razz stared at him in shock. How hadn’t he noticed him coming in? He hadn’t even heard the clattering of the keyhole. As Red commented on his music, though, he grinned and nodded.

“I WOULD CERTAINLY HOPE SO,” he replied, carefully putting down the violin on the bed. If there was one thing he rarely could resist it was a genuine compliment. “I BEGAN TAKING LESSONS AT FOUR AFTER ALL. BUT THANK YOU.”

The other blinked, surprised. If Razz was being honest, he looked slightly aghast even.

“four?!” he exclaimed. “what? tha’s… who’d make a four-year-old play violin?”

“I CAN ALSO PLAY THE PIANO AND THE FLUTE. AND FOUR IS NOT THAT YOUNG. MY EDUCATION STARTED WHEN I WAS TWO.”

Red’s eye sockets grew wide as he listened, and Razz couldn’t help but smirk. The other was almost gaping.

“well,” Red eventually said. “suddenly bein’ royal doesn’t sound all tha’ great. no offence.”

Razz snorted and shook his head. He smirked at the other, tilting his head upwards to stare smugly into Red’s sockets.

“PFA. I’M NOT SURPRISED. FEW ARE MAGNIFICENT ENOUGH TO HANDLE MY LIFE.”

The following days, Razz reluctantly admitted to himself that he was looking forward to Red’s visits. Being alone in the cabin was making him slightly stir-crazy. There wasn’t much to do, and Red wasn’t quite as awful as he had thought. At the very least, he was quick with the compliments, and they somehow didn’t feel quite as calculating as most of the ones he got at court. More genuine. Like the pirate truly was impressed with his skills.

Plus, whenever Red left, he got this empty, heavy feeling in his stomach. He didn’t know what it was, but he didn’t like it. It was like the room closed in on him. Multiple times Razz caught himself looking for guards and servants, only to remember where he was. It was… strange. To be alone. He couldn’t remember ever being it for more than an hour or two. There were always castle staff members or courtiers around. Always.

The lock rattled again, and his soul skipped a beat. Then it sank once he realized it wasn’t Red, because Red always knocked. Therefore, it had to be someone else from the crew. Which meant that he’d most likely receive the same blatant disrespect as the last time he’d met crewmembers.

With a sigh Razz put down his book and stared blankly at the door as it opened. As soon as a body showed up, his expression changed to an indifferent yet wry mask. He had long ago perfected the art of displaying exactly what he wanted on his face and nothing more.

“YES?” he asked before they could utter a word. The human – a male this time – grinned at him and held up a tray.

“Red’s busy, Yer Highness” he said, stepping inside. “I’ve got yer dinner.”

While gesturing toward the desk, where he ate all his meals, Razz clenched his other fist. Preparing for the inevitable mocking.

“THANK YOU,” he forced out as the human put it down. “WHO ARE YOU? AND WHERE IS RED?”

“The name’s Septimus Benoit, Yer Highness,” the man said cheerfully. He saluted playfully. “Boatswain and fourth in command on this fine ship. Red’s sifting the blackpowder and won’t be finished yet for a couple hours, poor guy. He hates this part o’ his job but it needs to be done.”

“THAT SOUNDS AWFUL.”

“It is,” Septimus agreed with a smile. “I’m glad I don’t have to do it. Well, I too have duties, Yer Highness. Enjoy your meal.”

“NOT VERY LIKELY IF IT IS LIKE THE OTHERS,” Razz muttered, but nodded. He had been here a week and was already infinitely tired of the ship’s cuisine. The pirate shrugged, and headed toward the door.

“’T was nice meeting ya, Yer Highness,” he said before closing the door behind. “Have a good afternoon.”

And Razz was alone again. His soul sank as he realized this. Not yet hungry, he hummed the old melody as he went to unpack his flute. He really needed something to do.

His bones felt itchy, he smelled and he could just feel the dirt crawl down his spine. Razz hadn’t washed or bathed for almost two weeks and it was driving him mad. It was so disgusting, not even half a bottle of perfume could make it feel better by this stage.

The cabin was also getting messy. There was dust and mud on the floor and the desk was a mess. He couldn’t fucking stand it. Why was it so untidy? His rooms in the castle had never been in this bad condition.

While Razz was spraying perfume all of the room, grateful for the small relief, it knocked on his door. After he’d called “COME IN” Red appeared, only to freeze and throw his hands for his nose. Razz frowned at him.

“wha’… what th’ hell? are ya tryin’ to poison me?” Red wheezed, waving one of his hands before his noose. Huffing, Razz put the perfume bottle down on a chest.

“NO. I AM TRYING TO MAKE IT SMELL DECENT. THIS CABIN IS REVOLTING.”

“well, tha’ might be ‘cause ya haven’t cleaned it, princess,” Red pointed out. Razz blinked at him. Wiping his hands of on his trousers, since there was no towels here, he kept staring at the other with narrowed sockest. “ya… know wha’ cleanin’ is, right?”

Huffing, Razz wrinkled his nose.

“OF COURSE I DO. IT’S SOMETHING THE SERVANTS DO WHEN NO ONE OF IMPORTANCE IS IN THE ROOM,” he replied, feeling slightly offended. The feeling grew as Red snorted, and a smirk took place on his face as he continued to fan his face.

“stars, highness. no offence, but ya wouldn’ survive a week on yer own. i’ll send a kid down t’ clean yer cabin.”

“I WANT TO BATHE,” Razz exclaimed. “I HAVEN’T BEEN THIS FILTHY IN MY LIFE. I HATE IT.”

“alright, princess,” Red nodded. “i’ll see what i can do fer ya.”

Razz had to fight himself to keep a grateful smile of his face. He nodded shortly, and Red grinned in reply.

For the first time since his kidnapping, Razz could leave his cabin. Only a short walk, a couple cabins away to a bathroom where some cabin kids had filled a bathtub with sea water. He saw nothing but wooden walls and doors. Despite that, and that he didn’t meet anyone but a rabbit kid, it felt absolutely wonderful to see something else but the same small cabin. The bath was cold. He didn’t have any of his soaps as they’d been in the maids’ bag. The salt stuck on his bones. Razz didn’t care. It felt lovely to get relatively clean again.

As he against his will returned to his cabin he could breathe a sigh of relief when he entered. The rabbit kid from earlier was just about to fold a couple of his dresses and shirts. They nodded slightly as he entered. It was the closest thing to a bow Razz had received on this ship.

Swept into his silk bathrobe he waited until they left. Grinning, he put on one of his cosiest dresses as soon as he was alone. He hadn’t wanted to dirty it. Sighing happily, he lied down on the bed and gazed out the window.

Huh. Didn’t the sky look very dark? Was it going to rain? The waves were hitting his window, leaving salt trails on it. Above him the footsteps were growing louder, Razz realized. Sounded like people were running. He frowned in worry. In the same moment, the keyhole rattled again and the door was thrown open. Red stopped in the doorway. The pirate’s sockets were wide, and he looked stressed.

“ya might wanna buckle up with some rope or somethin’ princess,” he said. His voice was strained and he kept glancing out the window. “there’s a storm comin’. and ‘t’s big.”

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