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[storiesoflilies]

hiraeth

synopsis: the story of two broken souls trying to heal themselves by finding solace in each other and the mysteries of the universe, until shadows from the past threaten everything. the follow up to metanoia. w.c: 18.5k.

pairings: toji fushiguro x f!reader / satoru gojo x f!reader.

warnings: ANGST! sfw, descriptions of grief, mentions of death, the healing journey, a touch of satosugu vibes. there are fluff and wholesome moments, i promise.

a/n: it’s finally here! just in time for me n my most beloved blorbo’s birthday :3 i hope you all enjoy this story, and that the ending is everything you’ve been hoping for. it’s been so fun returning to this au! @gothsuguru this one’s for you bestie <3

art / art / divider / playlist / ao3

there was a certain comfort to be found in absolute silence.

it was warm, precious, and free from any judgement in a way that nothing else in the world could be. at that time, to be consumed in its invisible, molten core of gold felt wonderful. her mind was free from all the music and the dancing numbers and the scratching of the angels’ quills on their scrolls.

and it was silent when toji fushiguro left her.

so maybe, it was in silence that he would come back to her.

that’s what she wanted to believe.

but it was all nothing but a foolish, hopeless dream of a lover.

she could not recall most of that summer, no matter how hard she tried. it was lost in a haze of salty tears and the smoke of dreamless sleep. but she remembered the dull ache in her bones, the heaviness pressing down on her chest, crushing her cracking, splintering spine into the bed.

she had no fight in her to resist any of it – not anymore.

there wasn’t much she could do but lie there, like ice melting against the salt of her dried tears, seeping into every stitch and loose thread in the sheets.

there wasn’t much of the world left anymore, either.

there was only a white ceiling and the yellowing, dirty bed linens. the steady drip! drip! drip! of the kitchen sink, and the dull smell of a very tired, stale room that she couldn’t even recall ever holding any happiness within its walls.

everything that had once made her who she had already dissipated long ago into the atmosphere, leaving nothing behind but the white noise that filled her ears with the silent screams of angels.

let them.

let them scream, let them cry.

she hated them all.

she hated the green tea she used to drink, and the stupid, big ceramic mugs she had poured it into, and all the numbers and letters that led her here, and vanilla ice cream dripping down, down, down onto the pavement, and shaving razors and–

a violent sob caught in her throat, nearly choking her on her own admission.

that she hated toji fushiguro too.

she didn’t even have to try and solve for any sort of equation to arrive to that answer.

somebody, please help me.

and that was all she remembered of that summer, before her phone lit up with a call.

| Φ |

“i can’t help you if you don’t talk to me.”

| Φ |

the cafe hadn’t changed much at all over the summer.

there was some new artwork done by students at the university hanging on the walls. they were all different sizes and colors, with no particular theme connecting any of them to each other. there was also a new bell hanging above the the entrance door. it was a much louder bell, not at all delicate or mellow like the last one.

she much preferred it that way.

there were too many memories in the old one’s tune.

she was currently staring holes into a piece of art hanging on the wall behind the cash register. it was hard to decipher if there was supposed to be any hidden meaning beneath the seemingly random swirls of red and bold blue brushstrokes of what looked like oil paint to her. no, maybe it was acrylic?

she clicked her tongue, already giving up on trying to guess.

a customer entered the shop, and she was sharply reminded of what her manager had said to her not even an hour ago.

“don’t forget to smile sometimes, yeah?”

they had said it sympathetically – sheepishly, even – because it came from a place of shameful embarrassment of having to even say it in the first place. of course, she knew they meant well, but it was the not so hidden implication of it all that echoed through her head like the memory of the old bell above the door.

she wasn’t who she used to be anymore, and she certainly wasn’t doing very well at all.

and everyone had seemed to notice.

she swallowed down the stone stuck in her throat and quickly went about making the customer’s order, forcing a smile on her face in the hopes it would just make him go away faster. it wasn’t fair to the customer, she knew that, but she couldn’t help how she felt.

any sort of human interaction was just so unbelievably tiresome for her now.

towards the end of the summer, she made the split-second decision to pursue a master’s degree in physics. she didn’t know what else to do, but two things were certain: she couldn’t go back home, and she couldn’t bring herself to find a proper job. her mind was far too numb for either of those things, lost in a fog that weighed down heavy on her entire being. she had no energy to network or put up false pleasantries to build any sort of meaningful connections both in and out of the workplace.

so, when she got the call back from her manager that she could stay on at the cafe, everything seemed to conveniently fall into place. no one could argue with what she was doing. she was furthering her education and saving more money by taking the course part-time.

and that was exactly what she wanted – to be bothered as little as possible.

deep breath in…

as she handed the customer his order in a pale-green styrofoam cup.

and out.

that was how she got through every interaction, day after day.

because if she could survive for long enough, then maybe – just maybe – she could begin to claw her way out of the crumbling black hole of obsidian she was buried under.

she hoped.

the doorbell rang out loudly.

she looked up sharply, and put on the best smile that she could muster, so much that her cheeks almost hurt.

it was the owner of the shop.

what– why are they here?

and then, a star walked in.

she sucked in a breath.

no, it was just a boy. a boy who looked like a star that had just fallen down from the heavens. all blues and pearly, fluffy hair and teeth shining in the brightest, most perfect smile she had ever seen in her whole life. he must have been born from a blue nebula, she thought, because he was so wonderfully rare, unlike anything or anybody else at all.

she could have sworn she heard the sound of a quill tapping against the side of an ink pot.

| Φ |

“you don’t have share anything you don’t want to. just say whatever feels right for you.”

| Φ |

the boy’s name was satoru gojo, and he was the owner’s nephew.

“he’s just transferred from a university in tokyo,” they’d said, with a proud, hushed reverence in their voice when they whispered the last word.

she could only nod along silently, pretending to be impressed, while all she was really thinking was why on earth he would transfer from a probably prestigious university to come here of all places.

it didn’t really matter; satoru was here now.

and he was her new colleague.

the extra interactions she had to handle on a daily basis were absolutely bone wearying. teaching him how to use the coffee machine, where all the ingredients and cleaning supplies were kept, and how to lock up the cafe for the night. it was all just too much; she hadn’t signed up for any of this. the next two years were supposed to be as easy as they possibly could be.

but more than anything, it was satoru and his irritatingly perky attitude that got on her nerves the most.

it wasn’t fair to him at all, and she knew it, but she couldn’t help the nagging, grating annoyance he made her feel. his chirpy voice was like nails on a chalkboard, scraping away at her already thin patience. and then there was him, with his stupidly good looks that made every customer that came in through the door do a double take.

more than that, it was the way satoru had the gall to pretend he didn’t enjoy it – when he obviously did.

no, that wasn’t the worst thing of all.

it was the way that satoru persistently attempted to get to know her. it confused her to no end, haphazardly cutting through the endless haze of brain fog, because she couldn’t understand for the life of her why someone like him would ever want to know someone like her.

“so,” he began one day, the autumn sunset filtering through the window. “you study physics too?”

too?

her manager must have been running their mouth, again.

she cleared her throat, putting down the damp cloth she’d been using to clean the cash register. “yeah, uh– you too, huh?”

satoru smiled that signature lopsided smile of his. “second year.”

when she only nodded silently, picking up her cloth again to silently signal she wasn’t interested in continuing conversation, he pressed on anyways. “yeah, i heard you’re doing your master’s now too. you must be really enjoying it.”

the last part was more of a question than a statement to her.

“sure,” she replied flatly, perhaps even snappily, and satoru’s smile faltered slightly.

a strange pang of guilt struck her that only got worse as the silence between them stretched on uncomfortably. she squirmed in her seat, aggressively rubbing her cloth between every nook and cranny of the register, while satoru busied himself cleaning the coffee machine, uncharacteristically quiet.

finally, she couldn’t stand the awkwardness anymore, and put down her cloth with a sigh as she swiveled in her seat to face him.

“so, are you enjoying it?” she asked quietly, her gaze dropping to the dried skin around her cuticles.

“sorry, what?”

“are you enjoying your course?”

“oh, yeah i am, actually,” he replied, a twinkle in his cerulean eyes as he laughed heartily. she suddenly felt quite warm. “i’m quite the genius.”

“oh, really?”

from then on, he wouldn’t – or, rather he couldn’t – shut up about it. it was like the floodgates had opened, and he went on about anything and everything that sprang to his mind. how he was planning on solving all the unknown theories of the universe, like he was planning on plucking the answers straight from the stars. the more she listened to him, watching the way his lips moved animatedly, the more she believed that if anybody could do it, it was him.

strangely enough, she found that she actually liked listening to satoru gojo talk.

but what struck her the most was how he was like her – and more. she knew that if he wanted to become one of the greats, he would.

if he wasn’t already, that is.

for the first time in what felt like years, she felt her lips curve into a genuine smile.

| Φ |

“it’s okay to cry. you’re really brave for coming here, and i know it’s not easy taking this first step.”

| Φ |

they started studying together at the cafe during the quiet afternoons that stretched into the evenings.

there was the air of familiarity to it all, the same aura of memories she had of doing the same thing not so long ago with a vastly different boy. it brought an unbearably searing heat of anxiety straight to her stomach. she tried her best to shove those feelings deep down into a pit of pebbles, zoning out often and long enough that satoru would frantically wave his palm in front of her eyes.

“you’re doing it again,” he said, his head tilted, a heavy hardback textbook split open in his lap.

she blinked once, shook her head a little, and lightly tapped her cheek twice. “sorry,” she mumbled, then took a few sips from her mug of bitter black coffee, which had long since gone cold.

green tea was something she hasn’t touched since, well, that day.

satoru looked at her for a moment too long, a strange look crossing his face that she couldn’t decipher, before he buried his nose back in the book on his lap.

the sun had set quite some time ago, and the beginning of winter was already making the days so much shorter. only the warm glow of pale orange lamps filled the cafe, bathing anyone inside in a warm, cozy glow. there were no customers at the moment, much to her relief, probably because it was still the beginning of the semester and the students weren’t in cramming mode just yet.

another hot bubble of anxiety churned in her stomach, and she fought to keep from wincing as her heart started to race.

“so, how are you finding that book?” she blurted out, trying to distract herself.

satoru hummed thoughtfully. “it’s good, thanks for letting me borrow it. you’ve got good taste.”

she snorted, though it was somewhat strained, forced. “hah! well, thank you, i suppose.”

he looked up at her again, and she felt herself shrink just a little. she could never get used to his eyes no matter how hard she tried. they were unlike anything she had ever seen before, and the longer she stared into them, the more it felt like they multiplied into six eyes. it felt like he could see right through her and rummage through the mess of broken heartstrings and glass inside her, and know everything that had ever happened to her – and everything that ever would.

was he an angel?

maybe he was the one who had been trying to solve her equation this whole time.

she almost laughed at that.

don’t be ridiculous.

“you’re too good at this, you know?” satoru suddenly stated, closing the book over with one of his fingers wedged between the pages he had been reading.

she frowned. “what do you mean? physics?”

“yeah. you’re like me, you have a gift for all this. even when you don’t really care about it, you’re still good at it.”

she picked the edge of her finger. “i-uh, wait, what do you mean i don’t care about it anymore? i obviously do. i’m doing a masters for fuck’s sake.”

she didn’t know why she felt the need to lie about it or why she suddenly felt so defensive.

he was hitting a nerve, and he knew it.

satoru gave her a look, a smug smirk on his lips. “no, you don’t.”

“i do!”

“no. you don’t.”

“yes actually, i do.”

“you’re lying.”

“no, i’m not! why would i lie?”

“i dunno, you tell me.”

damn you, satoru gojo.

she bit her lip to stop it from wobbling. satoru’s face crumbled like tumbling stones, and his book dropped to the floor with a loud bang.

“hey, hey,” he rushed, standing up and nearly knocking his chair over behind him. “hey, i’m sorry. i didn’t mean- fuck! i’m so sorry.”

the delicate skin of her lip throbbed from how hard she was biting it, and she was sure it would bruise by tomorrow morning. she swallowed thickly, avoiding satoru and those stupid, all-seeing eyes of his.

“it’s fine,” she muttered, hoping the tears gathering in the corner of her eye wouldn’t spill in front of him. “i-uh, let’s just get ready to close, okay?”

satoru frowned, rubbing the back of his neck like he wasn’t sure what exactly he wanted to do.

in the end, he said nothing at all.

they quietly packed up their things, locked the door, and the bell sang them a sad goodbye tune as they walked their separate ways into the night.

| Φ |

“so, your friend told you to come here?”

“i-uh, more like made me. sorry.”

| Φ |

being alone wasn’t so unbearable for her anymore.

but it still wasn’t good.

she’d moved out of the two-bedroom apartment she’d shared with her old roommate soon after starting her master's. there was no point in paying for an extra room, and she certainly didn’t feel like living in close quarters with another human being. so, she moved into a studio apartment in the building next door.

it was… decent.

perfectly adequate, really. there was no peeling walls or mold anywhere, and it didn’t drain too much of her energy to keep it all somewhat clean. in the beginning, the smaller space was oddly comforting. she felt secure, like a little mouse in a tin box.

safer.

snugly enclosed within the walls of a home that hadn’t been tainted by old memories.

although, she still didn’t have much energy to cook. there had been too many things she'd wasted money on, too many things that had gone out of date that she had the unpleasant task of cleaning up before moving out. the employees at the 7-eleven across from the cafe had grown embarrassingly familiar with her as she bought cup after cup of instant ramen for her dinner every night for weeks during those first weeks after moving in.

one night, an employee – an older lady with obviously nothing better to do –finally said to her, “you know, there are fresh bento boxes on sale at the end of the day. it’s healthier than… this.”

she’d just sniffed at the woman, pushing her cup forward with a defiant jut of her chin. the lady had sighed, shaking her head as she scanned the noodles. when she arrived home, she took her shoes off and threw her keys onto the kitchen counter. she flicked the kettle on and walked over to her bed to change out of her clothes.

and that was when she saw it.

her reflection in the mirror.

god, she didn’t realize just how awful she looked. her skin was horrible, her eyes tired and sullen, probably from living off a diet of instant noodles with little to no water. she didn’t know why, but the sight shocked her to the core.

she knew she wasn’t doing well.

but, she just didn’t think she looked that tired.

from that night on, she bought the bento boxes on sale every night. the employee never bothered her again after that, just gave her a smug smile that told her everything she needed to know. the changes in her were small, barely noticeable, but it felt like a step in the right direction.

she hated to admit that the lady had been right.

but still, it wasnt a complete fix.

so here she was, quietly chewing on a bite of peppered beef and rice, doing her best to stifle her sobs as music played from the radio in the background.

she hadn’t meant to get so emotional, but it had gotten too overwhelming for her to handle. satoru and all his damn questions – why did this random boy from who knows where in the world manage to get under her skin so much? she barely even knew him at all. the only two things that tied them together was that cafe and physics, and even that was fragile at best.

it was almost like at the start with…

no.

she couldn’t even say his name in her head.

it was all absolutely pathetic – she was pathetic.

“even if you don’t really care about it, you’re still good at it.”

is that what her life was going to be from now on? living a lie? pretending that she cared about whatever it was she was doing, while on the inside, she was still falling down that infinite green hole the boy with a perfect scar on his lip had pushed her into.

she sniffled, tossing the now empty box into the bin.

when would it all end?

she just wanted to stop feeling so hopeless all the time. she wanted to be happy again, to hear the numbers and angels singing to her like they used to, to feel and be how she once was.

but everything was still so quiet.

and probably would be for a long time.

that was why being here, in her tiny box of a house, still felt like no home at all.

| Φ |

“do you want to start from the beginning?”

“not really, but sure.”

| Φ |

the next day, when she arrived at the cafe, satoru was already there waiting for her.

and he was so obviously nervous that it set her teeth on edge.

from the moment she caught sight of him from outside the window, she could tell something was off. he was behind the counter, his hands a blur as he poured coffee and punched the buttons on the cash register to hand customers their change. satoru must have been keeping an eye out for her, because the moment he spotted her through the glass, he froze.

a snowy deer caught in the headlights.

then, he gave her what was probably the most awkward, jerky wave she had ever recieved.

right up until she walked behind the counter to stand beside him, he was a jittery mess, his foot tapping incessantly as he waited for the two girls hovering in front the cash register to finish deciding what they wanted to have.

“hey!” he greeted, far too cheerily. his voice was a little high-pitched, a crack in it like chipped porcelain.

she blinked twice, slowly, as she tied a beige apron around her waist. “hi.”

one of the girls at the counter cleared her throat, clearly unimpressed that nobody was paying attention to them. satoru snapped back into reality, mumbled a half-hearted apology, and she hurriedly got started on making their drinks. meanwhile, satoru fumbled with the coins as one of the girls dropped them into his open palm.

this was all so unlike him.

he was always so smooth and confident, annoyingly so.

it felt almost wrong to see him like this.

but they continued in a fragile, comfortable silence, serving customers and cleaning up tables after they left. when it was golden hour and the shop was somewhat empty, satoru finally let out a great big breath, like he had been holding it in the whole time.

“sheesh!” he exclaimed, stretching his legs, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet. “that was so busy. how did you used to do this all by yourself?”

she gave him an amused look. “well, it wasn’t this busy a year ago. it’s gotten much more popular.”

satoru grinned, but it was tight, forced. “really? must be because of you and your great service.”

she didn’t know what to say, but she snorted, somewhat amused.

“hey, so uh… about last night,” he started, already stumbling over his words, but she quickly held up a hand to stop him.

“it’s all good, satoru,” she said firmly, trying her hardest to still be gentle. “i didn’t mean to get so emotional, so i’m sorry about that.”

he stared at her for a heartbeat longer, and she felt a strange flutter in her chest. she couldn’t stand the feeling, and got right back to adding more pink mooncakes to the clear display box at the counter. this time, it was her turn to keep an eye on him. satoru was breathing rapidly, his chest puffing and falling quickly, a peach-pink blush dusting the tips of his ears.

he looked positively miserable.

like he was absolutely bursting to say something but was holding back.

she bit her lip. “are you okay?”

satoru froze, his hand pausing from refilling the jar for the lids for the takeaway cups.

“yeah, i just-” he swallowed thickly, not quite looking at her. “i’m really sorry about yesterday.”

“is that all? i promise you, satoru, it’s all good.”

satoru fidgeted, his fingers rapidly tapping against a white lid. for a moment, neither of them moved, the low hum of a handful of customers conversing filling the air. a cup clinked loudly against a saucer, shattering the tension between them, and he inhaled sharply.

“i’m sorry if i push you too much,” satoru said softly, like he wasn’t sure whether he should even say it at all. “i don’t mean to.”

a stab of guilt pierced her heart.

it would be a lie to say that he hadn’t been pushing her out of her comfort zone. for the last few months, he had been nothing but persistently nice to her. anytime they crossed paths on campus, he always smiled and waved, pulling her into the orbit of his blue brightness, no matter how hard she tried to avoid it. at first, she was convinced that he would get bored of her quickly, that he would find more interesting company to keep than hers.

so, she tried to ignore it when she could.

but satoru never let up, not even a bit.

when she wouldn’t wave back, turning her back instead, there would be a tap on her left shoulder, and satoru would pop out from her right, spooking her with a laugh that made it seem like he knew exactly what she was up to.

and he didn’t care or seem to mind.

whenever she was clearly making no move to initiate a conversation, he always did it for her.

and he’d always ask her how she was.

how her day had been, or if she’d slept well the night before whenever they worked a morning shift together. during their quiet study sessions at the cafe, he’d always ask her how her course was going. at first, she thought satoru was just trying to fill the silence, that he was restless – too full of energy that he didn’t know what to do with. but now, she saw that she had been wrong the whole time.

she’d been blinded by his eccentricity and her own self-wallowing to notice it before.

that satoru gojo had a big heart.

and for some reason, he genuinely cared about her. it might not have been hard to notice that she wasn’t okay, but he had – and had tried to fix it. little by little, their study sessions and conversations were slowly pulling her back to the version of herself she thought she would never get back.

“you weren’t… pushing me,” she said slowly.

satoru gave her a pointed look. “yes i was. you know i was, especially last night.”

“okay,” she laughed a little, and a small smile appeared on his face. “maybe just a little.”

they both spared a glance at each other and broke into a nervous fit of laughter. for a moment, it all seemed normal, but then their smiles fades, and the silence crept back in like a parasite, with the light in satoru’s eyes dying like a smothered candle.

“well, i promise not to bother you half as much anymore,” he huffed playfully, though his eyes shifted away from her face.

she chewed the inside of her cheek.

“i… don’t want that.”

satoru looked back up at her sharply.

“you don’t?”

“i just- i’m not… it’s hard for me to feel good about things anymore.”

but being around you has been the only good thing for me. you’re the only person who makes me feel even a little like how i used to.

she couldn’t bring herself to say that, though.

because, whether or not satoru had meant to push her so much didn’t matter anymore. she had now realized, with a particularly harsh slap of reality, how much she had needed it. her changes had been so small and gradual that she hadn’t even noticed them herself. she couldn’t even remember the day when she finally didn’t dread leaving the house anymore, only that it had just happened.

and the boy made from blue starlight had been a huge part of making that happen.

satoru was like an icicle suspended over the edge of a cliff. was it concern, or maybe even shock on his face? she clenched her fists, nails digging into her skin. she didn’t know what she would do if he decided she was just too much for him, too heavy a burden that he hadn’t signed up to carry. if satoru decided to let go and fall, she didn’t know what she would do. she’d be all alone again if he left, and she didn’t think she could survive it this time.

please, i’m sorry. i’ll be better, i promise. just hang in there and wait for me a little longer.

but then, slowly, satoru flashed her that feather-soft smile he had given her the first time she finally waved back at him. it was softer, different to the way he usually smiled, like the notion meant so much more to him than she realized.

and she felt like everything might finally start to be okay.

| Φ |

“do you regret letting the things that happened to you in the past hurt her too?”

“of course i do, that’s why i’m here. i’m fucking broken, and i need help.”

| Φ |

the streets were dusted with a light frosting of snow.

there wasn’t much of it at all, really. it was hardly deep enough to make a snowball from, but it was enough to blanket everything in a sea of powdery whiteness. a cold drop of water dripped from a streetlight straight onto her nose, and she shivered profusely from the shock of it, pulling her itchy woolen scarf tighter around her neck.

there were faint tracks in the snow leading up to the cafe, and she guessed they probably belonged to satoru.

they had both been tasked with decorating the cafe with a little festive cheer on this crisp sunday morning. satoru had groaned about it, complaining that he would do anything but that on his day off. he only begrudgingly agreed to it after being bribed with unlimited access to the seasonal sweet treats.

and only if she helped him too.

so, that was how she had also been dragged into it on her day off.

she pushed open the door, scraping her damp boots against the entrance mat as warmth seeped into her bones. satoru had actually remember to turn the heating on, and her heart swelled with gratitude.

however, her good feelings were quite short lived.

“satoru,” she hissed. “what the fuck?”

the place was in absolute disarray.

tangled lights were strung about randomly, baubles of various shapes and colors rolled haphazardly across the floor, and the branches of the fake christmas tree were decidedly not attached where they were supposed to be. satoru was lazing at the counter, completely engrossed in his textbook, not even sparing her a glance as he deadpanned.

“what? i took everything out of the boxes like you told me to.”

“ugh! not like this, and you know it! seriously, it looks like you just dumped everything out onto the floor and just left it.”

his humorous snort told her that was exactly what he did.

it was painfully obvious that satoru gojo absolutely did not like christmas.

as soon as december hit, satoru became quite restrained, even dejected. he wasn’t up for doing much at all, except sitting around and reading her old textbooks. whenever someone asked if he had any plans for the holidays, he would just say “no,” in a way that completely shut down the conversation. if he overheard customers discussing their festive plans for too long, he would zone out, like he was lost somewhere far away from here.

she strode toward him, making sure to stomp her feet a little. satoru never bothered to look up at her, so he didn’t see when she picked up a plastic candy cane and threw it at his head.

“ow! seriously?”

“help me. now.”

letting out an exaggerated groan, satoru slammed the book shut with a loud slap and slowly – very slowly – slid off his chair.

it took several hours of hard work, but they eventually managed to turn the cafe into a mini wonderland. dainty red bows and lights were tastefully placed around, gold and silver tinsel glinted playfully in the sunlight, and the tree in the center of the tables was adorned with emerald and blue baubles.

“what do you think, satoru?”

but he was hardly paying any attention.

“sure, looks fine.”

in fact, satoru looked like something was crawling painfully beneath his perfect skin. he seemed ready to bolt outside without saying another word to her.

“are you alright?” she asked carefully, setting down a pretty green bauble she had been holding.

he looked up at her blankly. “yeah, i just don’t like all…” he gestured around him. “this.”

“not a festive person?”

“not really.”

“oh, okay.”

“it’s not for everyone sometimes, you know?”

“well, yeah… sure.”

“and it’s so much fuss for just one day.”

“mhm.”

“i hope you don’t think i’m like… i don’t know, a grinch or something.”

“i don’t think you’re a grinch, satoru.”

she tried not to notice how he shivered when she said his name.

“good, because i’m not. i don’t actually want someone else being miserable too.”

“what do you mean too?”

at this, satoru fell silent, like he’d said too much, revealed something she wasn’t supposed to know. they were quiet for a while, mostly because she didn’t know what to say, and satoru seemed quite lost in a place she wasn’t sure she wanted to follow him into. then, he flashed her that signature smile of is, his teeth glinting, and for the first time, she felt like she was seeing it for what it really was all along.

a defense mechanism.

for everyone to stay away, to not get too near him. to be blinded by his beauty and not ask too many questions.

“well, looks like we’re all done here!” he exclaimed quickly, clapping his hands together with a flourish. “wanna go get something sweet?”

satoru didn’t wait for her to answer.

before she knew it, he’d shoved his dark beanie over his snowy hair, and was bounding out of the shop. she watched him briefly through the window, rubbing his hands together, his breath coming out in little wispy puffs. he caught her looking and motioned with his head for her to come on.

she sighed, switching off the heating and locking up behind her.

“you know,” she said, not missing the way he winced. “you can always talk to me, right?”

satoru seemed to think about this for a moment before shaking his head and replying with a far too-cheerful, “of course! now, let’s go.”

the boy was hiding something in his galaxy of cerulean stars.

but then again, so was she.

| Φ |

“what was it like being with her?”

“it was peaceful and she was so beautiful, and god, so smart. like, she could discover something that would change the world, you know?… fuck!”

| Φ |

it was christmas eve.

she was watching the snow falling outside, holding a mug of coffee between her palms. the radio station, with its faint static buzz muffling the words, was the sort that lonely people listened to in movies. the host was chatting away in between songs like they didn’t think anybody was listening, probably assuming that everyone was being festive with their families, and not tuning in to some random station.

i’m listening, though. i’m here.

“it’s a lovely, quiet night, isn’t it? some people hate the quiet, though. like there’s something wrong with it.”

she’d pretended that she absolutely had to work over the holidays to avoid going home, and she didn’t regret it one bit. this was all somewhat… nice, actually. her mind was mostly quiet, focused on the coffee and the radio and the snow falling delicately to the ground below.

she took a sip from her mug, a pleasant, tingling burn on her tongue. there was some truth in that sentiment, she mused.

“but i think that it’s only when things are quiet and still, that you can find out a lot about yourself!”

well, she wasn’t so sure if she had discovered anything new about herself other than pain.

ring! ring! ring!

she nearly spilled her coffee all over her lap.

it was satoru.

for some reason, he hadn’t gone back home either. she hadn’t pressed him on why he didn’t, probably because he wouldn’t have told her the truth anyway, or brush her off with a half-hearted joke instead of a real answer.

slowly, she reached for her phone. “hello?”

it was quiet.

too quiet.

and then, the barest sound of what might have been a sniffle.

“hi,” satoru greeted, his voice filled with broken glass.

and it was like all the light and happiness in the world had gone. her eyes became glossy. he sounded familiar, only because she knew that she had once sounded like that too. she could recognize the sound of a person who had lost everything, and was barely clinging onto this plane of existence.

“what are you doing?” he whispered.

she stifled a sob. “nothing really, you?”

“same.”

there was a gust of wind outside, sending the snow dancing in a large, swooping whirlpool.

“can i, uh-” he swallowed quite audibly. “can i see you?”

she didn’t miss a beat. “sure.”

“okay, right. i’ll see you in a bit.”

her screen went black as satoru ended the call, and she tapped her cheek three times just to make sure she wasn’t dreaming. when she realized that she definitely wasn’t, she scrambled up from her warm spot on the sofa, picking up all the random clothes off the floor and shoving them into drawers just for the time being. she was overthinking everything, every little mess, and what satoru would think when he saw her apartment.

should she give the counter a wipe?

was there maybe a smell about?

knock! knock! knock!

there was no time to think about all that.

how had he gotten here so quickly?

she breathed out shakily, wiping her forehead as she hesitantly opened the door.

and there he was with his head bowed low.

there were plenty of snowflakes clinging stubbornly onto his beanie and coat, and she guessed that he must have been outside for a while. when she looked closed at him, she realized with a start that he was wearing his pyjamas – washed-out, grey sweatpants paired with a shirt with a faded superman logo on it. it might have been funny, but when satoru looked up at her, his eyes were rimmed with bright red crescent moons.

she didn’t need to guess that he had been crying.

“hi,” he said softly, his voice cracking like an old mirror.

“hey, come in,” she replied, stepping aside to let him in.

satoru shivered as he stepped over the threshold of her apartment, pausing to puff hot breaths into his hands. she offered him a tea, asking if he wanted it heavy on the sugar, which he shyly accepted. she watched as he took off his boots at the door, expensive black leather dripping with icy sludge, and took a good, long look all around her apartment.

the radio crackled softly, and satoru only seemed to notice it existed then. “huh, you don’t like t.v or something?” he quipped sadly, hardly carrying any bite in his words at all.

“i can’t be bothered getting one,” she admitted with an awkward smile, stirring the teabag in his mug.

satoru hummed and moved to sit on the sofa, sinking into the cushion like he wanted to just melt into a puddle. he rested his neck against the back, long fingers clasping and flexing like he didn’t know what to do with them. she handed him his tea, and then settled on the other end of the sofa, tucking her legs beneath her, and making a conscious effort not to sit too close to him.

for a while, they both didn’t say anything.

the host on the radio was talking again between songs, their voice soft and airy like the snow falling just outside. the next song slowly faded into life, a familiar wistful version of ‘have yourself a merry little christmas’ filling the quiet room. satoru was just staring at the ceiling, the faintest tremor in his hands as he lifted his mug to sip his tea. she didn’t say a word about it, letting herself zone out as she stared at the loose threads in the carpet.

“sorry, i don’t usually do this,” he finally said. “barge in like this, i mean.”

she blinked, and gave him a small smile of reassurance. “it’s okay, i wasn’t doing anything anyways.”

“oh, okay. you didn’t feel like going back home?”

“i could ask you the same thing.”

satoru swallowed, his throat bobbing up and down. then, his shoulders slumped, and his head fell forward in a silent surrender.

she held in a breath.

the angel’s were reaching a key moment in solving their formula, she could feel it in her bones, in her soul. she could hear them and their quills, motions quick and decisive, the noise slowly building like pressure inside a closed vessel.

“his name was suguru.”

the name was a stone falling off the edge of a waterfall, crashing against stone and water and air, and here it finally was – in this tiny, unremarkable apartment that didn’t feel like it was nearly good enough to host such an incredible moment.

it all felt inevitable, really. that she was supposed to be here, in this moment, and that everything in her life had happened just to bring her here. how she fallen in love with a quiet boy with green eyes, and how he had left her. how she nearly faded out of existence, only to be pulled back by a call to work where it all began. how her and satoru met, and how their lives had become so beautifully intertwined.

it was like newton’s second law of motion.

every force that had ever acted on her, every event she had collided into, was all to propel her straight into this moment.

“he was my best friend since middle school, and when i tell you we did everything together, we did fucking everything together.”

satoru paused for a moment, pulling his phone out from his pocket and rapidly tapping and scrolling as he searched for something. when he seemingly found it, he carefully handed his phone to her.

it was a picture of the two of them.

she couldn’t help but smile. satoru was all scruff and awkward teenage smiles, much too tall for his own good. and suguru was… beautiful, really. he was everything his best friend wasn’t – composed and regal, with long, dark hair that looked like it had been dipped in black ink. his eyes were a warm, honeyed chocolate, and she didn’t need to have known him to tell that suguru was kind. the quiet, dependable sort. the kind of person you knew would never leave you behind.

“when we graduated, we even decided to study physics together at uni in tokyo. i mean, i genuinely didn’t have a life without him. but it was like, no matter what happened, as long as suguru was there, it would all be okay.”

tears slipped from his eyes, and he bowed his head low, almost dropping between his knees.

“he died a year ago today.”

oh.

oh, god.

“i thought it was a joke, you know? when i got the call from his parents. i mean, seriously? he’d just gone to visit our old school to help out with some stupid fucking basketball tournament the kids were doing. nothing bad was supposed to happen.”

satoru become incredibly quiet, trapped in a fog of lost memories.

“he’d asked me to go with him,” he admitted, his words dripping in shame. “but i didn’t want to.”

she could hear the unspoken words he wanted to say hovering in the air like a ghost, like the angels whittling away at their little equations.

i should have been there.

“the police said the crossroads were all slippery because of the ice, and that suguru fell over.”

i might have saved him.

“the driver wasn’t even looking properly, but he was going way too fucking fast anyways.”

he could still be alive.

“and yeah, i know it’s so pathetic. i can’t even stay in the same city that he died in. it was just too much for me to handle. that’s why i transferred here, actually, because it just wasn’t the same without him.”

it’s all my fault.

she didn’t know what else to say other than, “i get it.”

because she really did.

her and satoru gojo were one and the same, she knew that now. they might have once been two different variables in the same equation, but now the angels had proven them to be equal to each other, melding them into one and solving for the same outcome.

“you know, you’re the only person who hasn’t tried to lie to me about it,” he mumbled, partly to himself, his fingers tight around his mug. “it never gets easier, no matter how much time passes.”

“i agree. you just get better at carrying it while you try to live on.”

satoru finally spared a glance at her, his pale eyes searching her face, as if he was beginning to realize and understand the person who shared atoms with his soul. that everything had changed for them now, and there was no going back in time.

“there’s a page missing in your book, did you know that?” he said carefully, gently, like it might break her.

“huh- what? no. what are you on about?”

“the one you gave me. i had to look the page up online to find out what it’s about.”

“okay… and?”

“well, why would you rip out a page on relativity?”

oh.

she was flooded with memories she didn’t want to remember. if she looked over satoru’s shoulder, she could almost swear she saw a mirage of a certain dark-haired boy looking at her with a resigned expression, like even the ghost of his past didn’t want to be here. she couldn’t remember even doing it, but she must have torn that page out sometime during the summer. satoru clearly noticed the look on her face, must have seen that familiar, haunted look, and realized he’d unknown touched another nerve.

“you want to tell me about it?” he asked softly.

she looked up at him through lashes heavy with tears, while the ghost’s hazy green eyes pierced into her, silently begging for release, for her to not let him continue to haunt her.

“i will, i promise.”

she blinked, wiping her blurry eyes, and the vision was gone.

“but tell me more about suguru.”

| Φ |

“it sounds like you really did love her.”

“i did, i still do. she was it for me.”

| Φ |

on christmas morning, after satoru had spent the night on her sofa, she told him everything about toji fushiguro.

it was the first time she had said his name aloud after so long, like coaxing death back to where it belonged beyond the veil, and breathing life back into the boy with dark hair and everything that had happened to her. it had been much easier to have pretended that toji was actually dead this whole time.

well, he could have been.

after all, she had no way of knowing, but it was an unhealthy coping mechanism, and she knew it. she couldn’t dare do it anymore either, not when satoru was sitting there right across from her having actually lost his person forever.

so, she didn’t hide a thing.

she told him how it all started. how they fell in love, and all the things that happened in between. the green tea, teaching him about her numbers and stars and the summer of vanilla ice cream. for some reason, she felt sheepish at revealing the trauma that had happened to toji when he was a child, but she had to do it. it was the catalyst for why he had just up and left, and none of it would have made sense to satoru.

much like when she had listened to him the night before, he hadn’t said a word the entire time she spoke. but she knew satoru was listening. in fact, he was completely immersed in her story. like he could feel everything she could. he smiled at the happy parts, even laughed, his expression only turning twisted and sour at the end of it – like her anger and pain was his to bear too.

it made her feel much less alone in all of it.

“i hate him,” she said when she finished, her voice sharper than a knife’s edge, dripping with green, green venom.

but he was looking at her like he didn’t believe that for a second.

she didn’t even know she was shivering until satoru got up and draped a blanket over her shoulders, gently prying the mug that she had been gripping tightly. he looked down at her so kindly it made her chest tighten, an encouraging smile curling his baby-pink lips upwards like it was the only thing holding all her pieces together.

there was something… changed about him.

even with his fluffy hair, a messy pile of snow and stardust, there was something a little more airy and less burdened about him. his shoulders were more pulled back, not slouched like before, which she hadn’t even really noticed he had been doing until now.

“you got any food?” satoru asked suddenly, striding confidently over to her fridge and opening it.

she frowned. “for breakfast?”

“no, i mean for dinner. we have to have some kind of feast don’t we?”

“really? now you want to be festive?”

satoru lazily stretched his back, the skin of his waist peeking out. “festivity is subjective. besides, we just so happen to be celebrating on a day everyone else is.”

“uh huh, and what are we celebrating exactly?”

“well, us.”

he said it like it was totally obvious.

“tell you what, i’ll go out to the store and get us stuff for tonight,” he said firmly, already putting his coat and beanie on. “please tell me you have pots and pans we can use.”

she deadpanned. “yes.”

“hey, i’m only asking because i’m not the one who goes into a 7-eleven every night for dinner.”

she threw a pillow in his direction, but he was already out the door before it could land anywhere near him. sighing, she rubbed her still-tired eyes and glanced around the apartment. whatever satoru was planning for later, it wouldn’t do to have the place messy. she mopped the floors properly and gave the kitchen a good clean, scrubbing all the pots and pans that had been sitting unused in the cabinets since she moved in.

by the time satoru came back with several white plastic bags of groceries, the apartment was spotless and ready for whatever mess was about to unfold in the kitchen.

“you certainly don’t skimp out,” she remarked, eyeing the bags and their contents as he dumped them out onto the counter.

satoru only laughed, rolling up his sleeves and washing his hands. “i’m rich. so, no.”

“pft! well, thanks for all this.”

together, they started prepping for their feast, deciding to make oden with all the fresh vegetables that satoru had bought. soon enough, a wonderfully savory, wholesome scent filled the apartment. she assembled the table while satoru stirred the pot, putting together the sides, the radio merrily playing christmas tunes on and on. when they finally sat down to eat, when she took the first bite of her stew, she almost cried.

she hadn’t realized just how much she had missed this – taking care of her body, cooking something nutritious and homemade. maybe that was why her apartment didn’t feel like home.

how could it be? she had never even made a home-cooked meal in it.

she decided to remedy that from that moment on.

as the evening wore on, they ended up back on the sofa together. a blanket was draped over their legs, a dip between them filled with all the sweets satoru had brought over. the radio switched between more mellow tunes and cheerful ones, and that same host from last night was on again.

but she wasn’t listening in this time.

her and satoru were completely engrossed in one another, talking about what had drawn them to physics in the first place, and about all the stars and planets they wish they could see one day. she felt something warm kindling in her chest. maybe it was the atoms of herself coming back together, little by little. she wasn’t sure, but it felt like a flicker of something familiar.

it wasn’t happiness, not yet.

but as satoru tore a piece of red bean mochi in half, offering her one part with that stellar grin on his face, she thought it might just get there.

| Φ |

“i hope you had a happy new years- ah! yes, of course, it was your birthday as well! how was it?”

“yeah, alright, thanks. was just a quiet night in for me.”

| Φ |

the rest of the school year passed by in a hazy kaleidoscope of colours.

it certainly wasn’t rosy, but it was satoru and her, and all the colors that made him.

mostly, he was dripping in hues of red.

vibrant and lusciously full of life, satoru exuded a sort of confidence that made her want to grit her teeth. she was jealous of him when he was like this – a glorious star of red that burned bright and hot. she wished she could put up her own veil of red to the world, something gushing with so much vitality and mirth that nobody could ever guess she was green with sadness. but it was all a front, a distraction to hide what he was feeling deep down.

because above all, satoru was blue.

she knew it had everything to do with suguru. he would withdraw from the world, hiding away in his bedroom for days. she'd knock on his door, and satoru would answer with heavy bags under his eyes and a glossy sheen in them. he wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t sleep either – just lie there and stare up at he ceiling like he wanted to float up through the atmosphere and into space.

but the worst was when he was purple.

an infinity that blended his melancholy and beauty. satoru was borderline cruel, even a touch mad, when he was like this. he’d flash everyone a stellar smile, drawing them in while his fangs glinted, enticing them with the sweetest honey they didn’t realize was dangerous until they were trapped in its sticky depths.

she recognized him for what he was in those moments.

something pretty to look at but never, ever to touch.

still, she gradually came to understand all of satoru’s colors the way he understood hers. she learned how to dip a paintbrush in them all and create something different. there were soft, cooler tones for his burning red to sizzle out against, streaks of yellow through his blue to remind him of the light within him.

none of it was perfect.

it was jagged and messy at the best of times, but it was real. eventually, satoru learned to sit there and take the time to paint too, his hands shaking and unsteady, with an indomitable will to fight through it all.

and now, at the beginning of the summer, she knew satoru gojo was healing when he said to her, “come with me.”

she looked up questioningly. “what?”

“come with me,” he repeated casually, not lifting his eyes from his sheet of messily scrawled calculations. “come and spend the summer with me in tokyo.”

tokyo.

that seemingly faraway place where everybody wanted to end up. where a persons merit was deemed worth enough if they had made it there. the place where love ran away to die a death unseen, still but acutely felt, even through all the distance.

it felt forbidden to her.

that it was toji’s place to hide away, and she would ruin it all for him if she went there.

satoru glanced up when her silence stretched on for too long. his eyebrow quirked up unimpressed. “if it’s money you’re worried about, then don’t. you can stay with me at my place. my parents won’t mind.”

“it’s not that,” she mumbled, rubbing a pink sugar packet between her fingers.

he pursed his lips, shutting his book, and got up from his seat. motioning for her to take his place, satoru set about preparing something. she furrowed her brows, perplexed, but trying to focus on his calculations to avoid staring at him.

and then, a steaming mug of green tea appeared – a pool of pale green staring up at her like a ghost.

“drink it,” satoru ordered, but his voice was gentle, like a helping hand. “if i can go back, you can do this.”

she stared at him for a moment longer, her heart ticking faster like the sound of an alarm clock about to ring. she thought of the law of inertia, and how she had remained motionless, stuck in the same place for so long. maybe it was time to move on, to overcome her own resistance and start moving again. a year had passed, after all, and if he could just run away and live his life, then so could she.

and with that, she took a sip.

| Φ |

“i just want to say that i’m very proud of you and your progress over the last few months. you’re doing very well for yourself.”

“ah, hah! well, thankyou.”

| Φ |

satoru gojo was rich.

she already knew that he was. it wasn’t like he bragged about it often, but she could just tell. it was in the little things he did – or didn’t do. he always wore good quality shirts, the kind that weren’t so prone to wrinkles, and they always looked like they had been pressed by someone else who did it for a living. he never even thought to check his receipts for his grocery shop after swiping his card at the till, and she would click her tongue in amazement at not having to worry about such a thing.

but she didn’t realize just how filthy rich he was until she stepped foot into his apartment.

her jaw had actually dropped.

because of course he had a penthouse, and of course it was like something straight out an interior design magazine. with its floor-to-ceiling windows that hugged the whole space, and perfectly balanced blend of modern and traditional minimalism. there was the scent of tasteful freshness around her, something that was actually much like satoru – linen and eucalyptus, with a hint of peppery sweetness.

she couldn’t help but feel a little giddy.

“satoru,” she whispered with glittering awe on her tongue. “tell me something.”

he hummed questioningly, throwing his two duffle bags onto the floor and collapsing with a huff onto the sofa. “what?”

“why the fuck would you move to our shitty university when you live here?”

“oh, this? my family home is much bigger, actually. just wait til you see that.”

“you- you mean this… isn’t?”

satoru barked out a laugh. “no, this is just my own place.”

“pft!”

the sun had fallen below the skyscrapers, and she pressed her head against the cooled glass to watch the bustling world below her. the lights were twinkling madly, winking at her like they were trying to entice her out into the streets with all its colorful neon signs and billboards. her fingers twitched with anticipation, and she squealed in excitement.

“let’s go, lets go!” she exclaimed suddenly, feeling a burst of energy to explore in a way she thought she had lost as a child. “c’mon!”

satoru grinned at her, and pushed himself off the sofa.

and so began a new summer, one made of blue and white instead of green, green, green.

there were plenty of late nights spent wandering the streets, savoring all sorts of vendors and restaurants. the occasional bar hop in shinjuku, stumbling and bumbling like buzzing bees drunk on nectar, weaving their way back to a train station to get home and sleep the heat of the day away, only to do it all over again.

tonight was one of those particular nights.

they had their arms around each other, her leaning on satoru much more heavily than he was on her. it was too late – or rather, far too early – to catch a train back to the penthouse. satoru was loathe to call his driver, because of course he just had access to one on call at all times and didn’t bother to use them.

“this is sooo much more fun anyways!” he slurred, a glossy bottom lip protruded in a pout.

she blew a raspberry at him, her feet aching and legs feeling numb, but whether it was from the alcohol or pure exhaustion, she couldn’t tell. it was all fun, really, a memory she knew she would always look back on. something to make her smile and shake her head at the antics she used to get up to.

oh, how growing older was so eerily strange.

one moment, she was playing hide and seek, scraping her hands and knees on the pavement as she learned how to ride a bike.

the next she was crying in a heap on the bathroom floor as the love of her life blocked her number and left.

poof!

like he had never even existed in the first place.

“poof!” she mumbled, feeling her stomach lurch with bubbling anxiousness.

“heyyy! what’re you thinkin about?”

satoru’s voice startled her, and she hadn’t realized she’d stopped moving or that the weight of him was no longer slowing her down. he was peering at her expectantly, two moons of blue shining through the dark and bathing her in his aura.

but he already knew.

satoru always knew.

he sighed, reaching out a hand to her like salvation. she realized that he was, her saving grace, her cerulean light at the end of that infinite tunnel of vacuum and green ink.

she slid her palm in his, their fingers tangling together and fitting perfectly together in each other’s equation.

“can i take you somewhere?” satoru whispered, staring in drunk awe at their hands stuck together.

“mhm.”

the sky was just starting to change, as the sun gently pressed delicate kisses to it, making it blush in strokes of indigo and pale orange. she didn’t know where they were going, and she didn’t care. her brain was far too tired to comprehend anything. all she knew was that she and satoru were on one of the first trains of the day, the rhythmic hum of the train was soothing, and his arm was around her.

and it felt nice.

when they eventually got off the train, satoru never let go of their hands or his arm around her, steadying her as the walked and walked.

until they finally stopped.

they were in the middle of a street, standing against the flow of people brushing past them on their morning commute. the smell of a kfc just behind them tickled her nose, making her empty stomach grumble in protest.

“satoru, what are we doing here?” she asked, voice heavy with sleepiness.

but he didn’t answer.

in fact, satoru was much too quiet, his grip on her hand acutely missing as he stared straight ahead. she followed his gaze to the bold white and black stripes of a pedestrian crossing a few meters away on the busy road beside them.

her mouth suddenly felt dry.

“it’s a strange thing, isn’t it?” satoru mumbled. “we’re in this plane of existence between innocence and death, and we all just continue on.”

the longer she stared at the crossing, the more she could have sworn she saw deep red splatters flashing on the white, staining the deep black with an unnatural dullness.

she wanted to be sick.

“but that’s all we can do, isn’t it? just move on. try to forget everything when you really just can’t, because there’s nothing you can fucking do to change a thing.”

change – a chemical change.

like when paper burns, or iron turns to old rust, or flesh decays deep down in the earth. things that change and never return to what they once were, no matter how hard you tried. that was just it, really. she was something like a cigarette, set alight and burned for all she was worth, only to be stubbed out on the concrete beneath an unforgiving shoe as soon as the hit was over.

she would never be the same.

who could?

“i’ll never forget suguru,” satoru sighed, like he was resigning himself to his fate. “but that doesn’t mean i don’t want to be free of him.”

be free.

she couldn’t imagine being free of toji.

“satoru,” she said, her voice like a feather floating in the wind. “why did you bring me here?”

“because… to show you that if i can be here, in the one place on earth i never want to be, that starting to let go is possible. that if i can do it, then so can you.”

could she?

could she really be free?

she bit her lip, willed herself not to burst out crying in the middle of a very public street. the music was loud here – quite loud, in fact. and satoro was there in a pristine white shirt, holding a match to her, gently setting her on fire in a beautiful green flame, letting her atoms scatter and roam free wherever they wanted to go.

she nodded slowly.

maybe…

maybe it wasn’t so frightening after all.

| Φ |

“so, how did it go?”

“i just couldn’t fucking do it. i choked up as soon as i heard her voice.”

| Φ |

before she knew it, the summer was already coming to an end.

“maybe i could do my phd, then i’d be able to put ‘doctor’ on all my legal documents. wouldn’t that be cool?”

“seriously? you haven’t had enough of academia yet?”

she and satoru were lounging on his pristine sofa. it was so soft she felt like she was sitting on a cloud, sinking into its fluffy depths, drowning in powdered marshmallows and the crisp scent of fabric freshener. even though the holidays were nearly over, the days were still much too hot to venture outside into – a fierce heat that made her feel like a piece of fish sizzling on a frying pan. instead, they would pig out and binge television shows in the cool comfort of the air conditioning, some the peak of entertainment that would spark passionate discussions.

others not so much.

“ok, this is fuckin stupid,” satoru muttered, prickly annoyance lacing his words like cactus spines. “i’m changing this shit.”

she only hummed, absentmindedly scrolling through her social media feed. it had been far too long for her to try and remember the last time she had been on any kind of social app, but there wasn’t much else to do during the day, and the mood had just struck her to see what sorts of things people she barely knew were up to.

it was pretty much what she expected.

a seemingly endless stream of aesthetic travel and lifestyle photos, silly poses with overly wide smiles. the occasional engagement announcement, compilations of sappy wedding posts, and even the odd pregnancy reveal. how funny it was to watch everyone’s lives moving on through pixels on a screen.

until it decidedly wasn’t.

her thumb froze mid-swipe.

oh.

“oh my god.”

satoru tilted his head towards her, his eyes still fixed on the tv screen. “what?”

it was really him.

toji.

there was no mistake about it. he was standing there with his knuckles wrapped in white bandages, his chest bare and glistening with a thin sheen of sweat, a minuscule smile tugging at his lips as he posed beside shiu kong. the backdrop was clearly a gym – the mirrors behind them reflecting a sleek array of expensive looking equipment.

hard work pays off! for a limited time only, fushiguro is offering a special discount for new clients 💪 dm us to get booked in with the man himself!

she couldn’t breath.

she stared so hard at the photo that her vision blurred, her chest tightening like a snake had coiled itself around her, squeezing for all it was worth. like toji could see her through the screen and was laughing at her and how crippled she was by such a small thing. this had to be a joke. some sick, cosmic joke that the angel’s were snickering about as they dipped their quills back into their ink pots. her pulse thrummed in her ears, blocking out the world and the music and everything.

until it was just her and her phone and that damn photo.

she hated how the first thought she had was how much she missed him.

and how unfairly attractive he still looked.

upon clicking on shiu’s account, she scrolled through post after post documenting the journey of the gym’s grand opening. it was clear that bucketloads of blood and sweat that had gone into the place, with plenty of videos showing the two of them actively contributing to build it. she didn’t need to be an expert to tell that it was a great place to go, and her chest constricted again.

so, he actually did it.

he went and did what he said he was going to do.

and i’m still here.

“hey, what’s up? you get another weird silent call?”

she flinched.

satoru’s voice yanked her back into the present, a curious lilt in his question. his baby blues were fixed on her, the tv remote in his hand swinging lazily back and forth in his hand as he fiddled with it.

she bit her lip, shutting her screen off with a sharp click.

“oh, it’s nothing.”

why didn’t she want to admit it?

oh right, she was supposed to be moving on from all this.

“uh-huh,” satoru deadpanned, his eyes narrowed suspiciously. “what were you looking at?”

there really was no hiding anything from him, was there?

with an exasperated sigh, she unlocked her phone and flipped it over for him to see. satoru squinted at the screen, plucking her phone from her hands for a closer look. a white brow arched in what seemed like a mixture of disgust and recognition as he zoomed in, the sofa creaking softly beneath him as he leaned back into the cushions with a huff.

“well,” he quipped, a strange edge to his voice as he handed back her phone. “you know he’s alive.”

she didn’t say anything, her hands trembling as she set her phone down on the coffee table, farther away than it needed to be, as if it had stung her.

it had.

satoru sighed, and asked much more gently this time, “do you want to talk about it?”

“what’s there to talk about?” she replied far too quickly, the words tasting too much like bile.

the silence stretched on.

somewhere far below, a car honked aggressively, the sound faint and barely audible this high up from the hustle and bustle of tokyo. the beginnings of trailers and clips from shows began to play in the background, but neither of them seemed to be paying attention to it.

“if you ever saw him again, wha–”

“satoru. i don’t want to play that game.”

“it’s not a game if it’s a genuine question.”

“i–fuck! i don’t even know.”

“c’mon, you must have thought about it before.”

she groaned exasperatedly. “satoru.”

“what?”

“can we not talk about this?”

“no, we’re gonna talk about it. what if we bump into him while you’re here?”

“ugh, i just… wouldn’t say anything i guess.”

“seriously?”

“well, what more do you want?”

“you’d have absolutely nothing to say to the guy? you wouldn’t fucking scream at him, hit him? something?”

“no, and why should i? he’s the one that left me, and he doesn’t deserve even one word. he’s clearly moved on, and so am i.”

“right, because you totally looked over it just there.”

her jaw tightened, and she scowled at him.

“fuck off.”

it was quiet for a heartbeat until, “that’s what i would say for a start,” satoru snorted.

she rolled her eyes, rubbed them wearily, and let out a half-hearted laugh. “shut up.”

“that works too if he decides to speak, and then i’d swoop in and deck the guy.”

“are you sure you wanna do that?”

“excuse me, are you implying i couldn’t take him?”

“you definitely couldn’t.”

“uh, yes i could. quite easily, actually.”

he flexed his bicep, tilting his head and nodding approvingly at the taut muscle. she barked out a laugh, despite the churning feeling twisting her stomach with acid.

what would she actually say?

fuck you for leaving me.

what was the point of it all?

you could have at least said goodbye to me. i know i messed up, but i didn’t deserve what you did to me.

or maybe she would she just turn around and run away, just like he had? it was so easy to imagine that she would be brave enough to stand her ground and give him a piece of her mind. but she didn’t think she would. she would always be doomed to dig her roots deeper into the ground, hold her tongue, and silently defend herself against the battering storm.

“let’s not think about that anymore, yeah?” satoru attempted encouragingly, giving her foot a teasing nudge. “out of sight, out of mind, am i right?”

she smiled tightly. “right.”

right?

| Φ |

“you still mean to go through with your plan?”

“yeah. i don’t even know if she’ll be there, but i have to start somewhere, and… i don’t know. it feels like the right place.”

| Φ |

before she knew it, it was the start of winter.

that familiar crisp cold air was settling on her nose and tongue, jolting her tired bones into feeling just a little more alive. it wasn’t snowing, not yet, but it certainly wasn’t far behind. she tucked her hands into the crooks of her elbows, quietly chided herself for forgetting her gloves at home.

as per usual, she was on her way to the cafe.

she had been working a lot more than usual lately. satoru’s final year was significantly busier than his previous years, so he hadn’t been working as much, leaving her and her other colleague’s to bear the brunt of the busy end-of-year season. not that she minded, her brain had been quite preoccupied lately, and actual work was a better distraction than her studies.

she didn’t really understand what or why she was feeling so strange.

it was almost like something bigger than herself. the anticipation of the drop before leaping off a diving board, or the creeping dread that something was coming for you. that things were about to change too quickly for her to even try and keep up.

she hoped it was just all in her head.

the cafe was just around the corner now, its familiar sign flickering and wonderfully colourful against the grey clouds that hung darkly over the afternoon like an omen. she quickened her pace, boots crunching loudly against the pavement, already imagining the comforting blast of warmth that would envelope her as soon as she stepped inside. the windows were fogged over, but she could still make out the warm glow of the lamps and the outline of customers hunched over their drinks.

the doorbell chimed as she walked in, the strong scent of cinnamon swirling through up her nose like an old friend’s greeting. it was predictable and grounding, and the unease that had been chasing her for weeks was left outside to freeze in the cold.

until she walked outside again.

but that was a problem for after her shift.

“oh, thank god you're here!" her manager exclaimed, dashing past her as she shrugged off her coat, a tray of teacups balanced precariously with one hand. "can you handle the to-go's?”

from that moment on, for the next hour, she was thrown into a frazzled mess of oat milk and sickly sweet caramel syrup. her apron was stained within ten minutes, and she kept apologizing profusely for any sort of delay, even if they had only been waiting for a minute or two, or whenever she brushed against a customer's hand with her sticky syrup fingers to return their change.

it was chaos, to say the least.

she felt like a machine on autopilot, firing through order after order, hardly paying attention to anything but the job at hand.

the bell chimed – again.

she tapped the side of the cinnamon shaker against a styrofoam cup, a blinding ray of unexpected sunlight slanting through the windows. the world was suddenly skewed, an equation of pure molten gold weaving together this plane of existence for just one precious moment.

a cup clattered loudly.

huh, the sun must have come out.

a shadow fell across the counter, long and somewhat familiar.

“oh, sorry for the wait! what can–”

she looked up, the words dying painfully in her throat like shards of shattering glass.

and there he was.

the boy with dark hair standing there with his hands in his pockets, just like he used to.

it all felt so frighteningly familiar, like she'd been here before in another lifetime. she would have believed it too, because the moment stretched infinitely, impossibly, dragging on and on. it was him and his green eyes and that perfect golden scar on his lip that warped the world according to his own laws of gravity and time. she'd once traced that scar with her fingers, had once loved it, and brought forth a teardrop of blood from it.

her breath hitched.

the music was frighteningly loud now, as though the angels had been waiting for their beautiful muse to come back to them after all this time. it curled in the space between them, across the counter, beckoning their fingers to reach out and touch each other again.

toji.

she didn't say his name, couldn't. it looped in her mind like the numbers and greek letters she'd pondered over for years, never quite able to solve – maybe not even wanting to. if she did, he might just disappear altogether again. even if a part of her wanted him to, it was unbelievably sickening how her body and soul craved the sight of him.

her fingers twitched uncomfortably.

you can't be real.

no, you're not. none of this is real.

he was equal parts familiar and foreign. his mop of black hair just a touch longer than she remembered it to be, but still in that same messy style that was his. but what struck her the most were his clothes. they weren’t faded or worn, no random holes poking through anywhere. they were all clean and ironed, with a well- structured black coat over it all that looked like had just bought it from a shop and put it on.

he wasn't the same, no. that much was obvious.

but it's still you.

the cinnamon shaker slipped from her fingers, clattering onto the counter, its echo piercing through the void.

she gasped, “oh, s-sorry!”

and then he finally spoke. “s'alright.”

oh, toji.

his voice was rougher, deeper, yet even quieter than it used to be. it struck her chest like a hammer, reverberating throughout her hollowed bones and down the long hallway where the angels scribbled on their scrolls. he was staring at her like he was trying to solve her too, trying to decipher how she was really feeling on the inside.

she hated it.

hated how he was in a position that meant he knew her, even a little bit. hated that he knew everything, and would know that slight change in her face when she was about to smile or about to cry. hated how it took just about everything she had not to run away.

but most of all, she hated how she wanted nothing more than to just go to him.

to reach across the counter and pull him into her. to say how sorry she was and how much she had missed him, even beg him not to leave again.

i don’t want to love you anymore.

i wish, i wish, i wish i never did.

“i didn't think you would still be here,” he admitted, a tone of surprise in his words.

she felt a flash of annoyance.

how dare he acknowledge that she was still in the same place? it was embarrassing – shameful – that he had been able to go off and do what he said he was going to do, and she hadn't. that she was left behind in the dust of everyone else who had moved on.

“i'm doing my masters,” she replied flatly.

toji’s face fell a little at her tone, and he rubbed the back of his neck. “that's great! really. you were always smart. not that you aren't now, obviously.”

she only stared blankly at him. “would you like to order something?”

toji hesitated, his chapped lips parting, but then the doorbell chimed behind him, loud and jarring.

“hey! it's absolutely freezing outside, isn’t it?” satoru's unmistakable drawl lashed through the air like a whip, larger than life.

her head whipped towards him, an immediate wave of relief washing over her before it was replaced by cold, hard dread. toji turned slightly, glancing at the boy with starlight hair who had strolled in like he owned the place. satoru's easy grin landed on her, dazzling her in his red.

until he noticed who was standing in front of her.

his eyes turned to ice, narrowing into daggers like he was ready to slice toji up into pieces. then, deliberately slow, satoru strutted over, plonking himself behind the counter right beside her, casually leaning forward as if he had all the time in the world.

“you need something?” satoru asked dangerously, his words dipped in a deep purple.

toji looked between the two of them, and something in those green eyes of his made her feel uneasy, even a dash of unwarranted guilt. his fists were tight, fingernails digging his palm so hard it made her own hands hurt. without saying another word, he swiveled on his heels and walked back out the door, disappearing into the afternoon that had gone grey again.

“nice meeting you!” satoru called out after him, a heavy hand resting on her shoulder.

but toji was already long gone.

| Φ l

satoru didn’t want to leave her alone.

“he doesn’t know where i live,” she’d hissed as they walked back to her studio together, a brooding hulk of a guard dog beside her. “satoru! you’re acting like a lunatic.”

“shut up, will you?” he snapped, his eyes darting suspiciously at every person who passing by. “he knows where you work.”

“i think that was just a random chance,” she mumbled quietly, her breath coming out in small, hot puffs, not sure why she was even defending toji at all.

but satoru had just ignored her, ushering her through the door of her building like the boy in question was right behind them, shutting it with a particularly loud slam! she almost felt like she was in trouble for something, even though rationally she knew that absolutely none of this was her fault.

she had just never seen satoru so unbelievably angry.

after firmly making sure she had eaten something wholesome, and after much convincing on her part that she definitely wasn’t planning to leave her apartment for the night, satoru finally left her alone. not before giving her a long, hard look that made it clear that if she needed him, she was to call him immediately.

she might have been touched by it if she wasn’t so utterly consumed by thoughts of toji.

why had he come? why now?

why, why, why?

endless questions swirled around her brain, circling like a goldfish swimming around a perfectly clear crystal bowl. she lay there on her bed, the only light coming from a flickering streetlight outside. sleep was completely out of the question for tonight, so she counted the seconds between each rhythmic flicker of light, trying pathetically to distract herself from it all.

just when she might have been able to slip into the darkness of a dreamless sleep, her phone lit up beside her.

buzz! buzz!

she frowned, not recognizing the unfamiliar number.

“hello?”

“hey, uh- it’s me.”

her heart stopped, then stuttered back to life. she sat upright, gripping her phone tighter.

“sorry, you weren’t asleep were you?” toji continued, his tone slightly sheepish.

she blinked. “no.”

“oh, great!” he cleared his throat. “i didn’t think you’d pick up.”

“it’s late.”

there was a pause. “right, yeah. well, i just… i wanted to call you for a while now, but i don’t know. it just didn’t feel right to talk to you over the phone.”

she waited with bated breath.

“about what?”

she knew exactly what.

“i just wanted to say that i’m sorry.”

of course she knew – in the same way that the universe might have known the big bang was coming. that existence was on the brink of becoming itself after an explosion, stretching and rippling outward like a drop of water in an infinite ocean.

there was another pause, followed by a deep breath. “i don’t expect calling you to fix everything that i did, but i wanted to start by telling you that i’m so sorry for everything.”

did the universe know it was going to hurt this much?

“i'm so sorry,” he continued in a fragile whisper. “for the way i ran away and left you like that. and i'm sorry for being such a coward.”

maybe it had been okay with it. that’s just how something grows, isn’t it? a sudden explosion of growing pains to become something better, newer.

“you didn't deserve it.”

but the universe was born silently when it exploded into existence – a voiceless scream as creation erupted into being. she wondered how long it had been quiet for after it was all over.

“you still there?”

“yeah.”

she wondered if she would be silent too.

“well i-uh, i know that you've probably moved on from all this, but i just wanted to try and make things right.”

“mhm.”

he coughed, and cleared his throat. “you know, i went to therapy.”

“you did?”

“yeah. it was… kinda forced on me at the beginning, but i knew that i needed it to start fixing myself. i learned a lot about myself, and about why i did what i did. and i know that i definitely didn’t deserve you back then, but that i also didn't deserve to come back you if i was still the same.”

“and do you think you're... fixed now?”

“yeah, i’m just trying to be better.”

the light outside flickered again. one, two...

“you know... there's nothing you can say that'll make me forget what you did.”

three.

a sharp inhale, followed by a rough, “i know.”

“and you can’t just expect to walk back into my life like nothing happened.”

“i know.”

she turned over, burying her face in her pillow, the phone pressed against her ear.

“but that's not why i called you,” toji murmured. “i’m not trying to get you to forget what happened, because i can't either. but i’ve changed, and i just want to try and make things a little better, and to maybe be... friends, at least.”

“you want to be friends now?”

he paused for a long time.

“if you'd be okay with that, then yeah.”

“look, toji, i- i don't know.”

“i’d understand if you don't want to, believe me. and if you never want to hear or see me again then i’d get that too. and its selfish of me to even ask you this in the first place, but i have to try and keep you in my life because i still need you.”

holy good god.

“and i think about you all the time, every single day for the past two years, because you're it for me. you’re my person, and even if you don't want the same as me, then that's okay. i’d rather have you as a friend than nothing at all.”

what was she even supposed to say to that?

“and even as a friend, i promise not to leave like that again.”

“but what if i don’t want you as a friend? what if i don’t want you as anything to me anymore?”

“then i’ll leave.”

even the angels had stopped writing, their quills frozen mid-number as they peered over their desks, watching the two little humans they had tangled together in a messy scrawl of numbers and letters.

“say something,” toji said, a sad desperation in his voice. “please.”

“you hurt me, toji. do you know how much i hated you for that?”

“believe me, its not more than how much i hated myself for doing it.”

don't say it, don't say it, don't say it.

don’t you dare.

“okay,” she whispered.

“okay?”

her mind buzzed with thoughts and the consequences of allowing toji fushiguro back into her life. she thought of satoru, and how angry he would be, and how her brain screamed with all the words she wanted to hurl at toji about the true extent of how much he had hurt her.

but that didn’t matter, not yet.

not when he was here and promising to stay – to stay and be there for her, to listen to everything she had to say.

there was time for all of that.

and perhaps it was time to be born anew in a different universe.

“yeah, okay, but i can’t just be around you like that again. it doesn’t work that way, and i need time to get used to… you.”

toji’s voice sounded more hopeful, more positive, like the sun had broken through the clouds and was shining down on him again. “y-yeah, i get that! i’ll wait! however long it takes, i’ll wait.”

“okay,” she said quietly, almost as if reassuring herself.

“well it’s-uh late, i guess,” he said, a shaky cheerfulness in his voice that made the ghost of a smile play on her lips. “goodnight, and maybe call you tomorrow?”

“goodnight, toji.”

the line went quiet.

fuck.

but her mind certainly didn’t.

| Φ |

“it really brings me so much joy to have been able to help you, toji.”

“haha, thanks, but god, i just had so much more to say to her, ya know? but i think there’s still a chance, and i have you to thank for it.”

| Φ |

having toji fushiguro back in her life didn’t seem real.

it was slow and awkward, like dipping her toe into the cold sea again after having forgotten what it felt like. of course, he couldn’t stay in town for too long. tokyo and his work were calling him back, and she understood. so, they mainly kept in touch through texting, which was basically an all day affair. every spare moment they had, whether it was in between her making a cup of coffee, during study breaks, or toji in between training sessions. it would be a lie to say she wasn’t clinging tightly to every text, or that her heart didn’t leap every time her phone buzzed.

but it was also easy.

something she could nestle into, like a gentle wind beneath a bird’s wings.

sometime during the quiet nights of spring, they began calling each other to fill the silence.

“hey,” toji would greet, a bashful shyness in his voice, and she could tell that he was smiling.

she’d bite her lip to keep her own smile from forming. “hi.”

he’d ask her about her day, and all about what she was doing – every little mundane detail, as if toji was trying to collect all the parts of her that he’d missed. she told him about about her course, what she had been up to, and even about the summer she spent with satoru. he’d even ask her to remind him of some of the theories and laws she had told him about all those years ago, and she couldn’t tell if it was because he wanted to genuinely learn them again or if he just wanted to keep her on the phone longer.

she asked him about his life too. she learned that it was only a month after he arrived in tokyo that toji bumped into shiu kong in a random pachinko parlor. they had gotten talking, and before toji could count to three, shiu was already drawing up business plans for their doja on the back of a napkin. it was perfect, really. toji had the physical experience, and shiu had the connections – and, most importantly, the money.

“you know, i don’t think i’ll ever get used to just having money like this,” toji admitted, and she wanted to cry.

one day, after clearly skirting around the topic for some time, toji finally asked her, “so, uh, is satoru your…” he smacked his lips together. “boyfriend?”

“pft! no.”

his relief had been quite palpable.

“what about you?” she returned, chewing the inside of her cheek and tasting acrid metal. “have you been seeing anybody in tokyo?”

“no,” toji replied gently, like it was so silly she even asked in the first place. “not one.”

she knew her pathetic relief was most definitely palpable.

although, it wasn’t always so easy.

more often than not, just when they thought they had slipped into a sense of familiarity, the harsh reminders of the past came knocking. both of them would test the waters, perhaps asking a question that was too deep, too painful – usually about how they had coped in those early days of being apart.

it was just too hard for either of them to hear the answers. toji didn’t exactly enjoy hearing just how much she had hated him, or how utterly crippled she was for the first couple of months after he left. she could tell that it tore him up on the inside, and a part of her liked it. he deserved to feel every ounce of guilt he was capable of, and then some.

“you want to know what it felt like for me, do you?” she hissed, so much venom gushing from her bite that it even surprised her. “well, i’ll fucking tell you then.”

and she did, in great detail.

toji would snap back too, it was only human of him to.

“what, you think i had an easy time trying to fix myself?” he’d say, his voice quaking and breaking apart her resolve. “i didn’t. i was fucking miserable all the fucking time, and everytime i looked in the mirror i had my scar reminding me of my biggest fuck-up to date.”

those conversations usually ended up with her abruptly hanging up the phone and crying herself to sleep.

but she would always wake up to a message from toji, and they were always so incredibly gentle. he’d tell her how he just wanted them both to shed the weight of all their pain off their shoulders, and for her not to worry about how he felt heari all those things. that he could take it all – the pain, everything.

and that he still wasnt going anywhere.

it really struck her in those moments just how much he had changed.

still, there was something holding her back from falling back into him again.

and she wasn’t sure if it was because of satoru, who was less than impressed by it all.

“he called you, didn’t he?” he asked the day after toji called the first time, twirling a sugar packet between his fingers like he didn’t care what her answer was.

she gave him a look, saying nothing, and licked her dry lips.

he let out a long sigh, rubbing a hand over his face. “so…what? are you two back together now?”

“no,” she admitted quietly, feeling like a child about to be scolded. “but i’ve given him a chance.”

satoru’s eyes flashed a bright cerulean, like a star burning the brightest blue it ever could, before his gaze hardened.

finally, he grunted, “i get it.”

she almost spilled the latte she had been preparing.

he quirked a brow at her incredulous look and muttered, “i can’t sit here and pretend i wouldn’t do the same for suguru if i was able to.”

but before her smile could look too relieved, satoru added rather sharply, “but that doesn’t mean i like this.”

and that was that.

he never once asked how they were getting on or what they talked about. whenever her phone buzzed with a notification, he stared at it like he wanted to burn holes into it, but he said nothing – only a tight grimace appeared on his face, and that told her exactly how he felt about toji fushiguro.

and now, it was the end of her very last semester in the world of academics.

it was really dawning on her this time that her goodbyes would be final. that these last couple of months would be her last at the cafe and at the studio apartment she had eventually learned to love. on satoru’s insistence, she had decided to move on and get a proper job after graduating. he had told her he knew some contacts in tokyo who could hook them both up with decent jobs within the industry, and who was she to say no to that?

besides, it was nice to know that she wouldn’t be alone in this big, bad world.

she slipped through the door of the cafe, wiping the damp from her shoes on the entrance mat. there weren’t many students in studying at this time, the busier hours actually came later, at the start of the all-nighters. the students must have all heard that it was a quiet cafe at night, and now everyone came at the same time. the smell of sweet, buttery pastries made her tummy grumble, and she put a hand over her abdomen, as if that would quiet it down.

it did, because sitting right at the booth by the counter, was toji.

with satoru.

both their expressions were unreadable, but toji was hunched forward, nodding solemnly to whatever it was satoru was saying. her best friend had a towel draped over his taut shoulder, his starlight hair a mess, like he’d run his fingers through it one too many times.

she hesitated at the door.

what is going on?

satoru noticed her first, and his sentence trailed off like fading music. his gaze held hers firmly, fiercely. she felt that if she looked away, the world would crumble beneath her feet, and she would surely die. then, toji turned too, and the wind was knocked right out of her.

the cafe suddenly felt too small, not nearly big enough for all three of them and the weight of their pasts. satoru moved first, beckoning her over with his hand. her feet moved of their own accord, like she was a piece of metal drawn towards a magnet, helpless in trying to resist his pull.

“well,” satoru said lightly, placing the towel onto the counter. “i was just leaving.”

her throat tightened. “satoru.”

she didn’t know why the thought of being alone with toji felt more terrifying than being with both of them together, but it did. but the look that he gave her stopped her cold. it wasn’t harsh, not in the slightest, but it was mesmerizing – a thousand and one blue stars were exploding in his eyes. it made her heart hurt, her head swim with all the colors that made satoru gojo who he was. and then the stars softened into something warm and comforting, and she knew he was trying to tell her something without words.

he glanced at toji.

then back to her, giving her a barely perceptible nod.

it’s okay.

you can trust him.

she huffed a breath, the relief hitting her all at once. satoru turned back to toji, giving him a brief nod, and then he was out of the door.

a folded sheet of paper lay in front of toji, his large hand placed over it like he was afraid it might flutter away. she stood behind the counter now, a shy smile tugging at her lips as she tied her apron.

“i wanted to give this back to you,” toji said before she could say anything, a dusting of pretty pink on his cheeks as he slid the paper towards her. “i’m sorry for ripping your book.”

she unfolded the familiar paper, noting how the creases were soft and a little worn, and skimmed over the words.

oh my.

it was the page satoru had told her was missing from her book, the one about the theory of relativity, and right there in the corner was the equation for quantum entanglement written in blue ink.

“you once told me that when two particles belong together, they’ll always be connected no matter the distance between them. i’ve never forgotten it, not once this whole time.”

and then his hand was over hers, and the world and her heart was on fire.

“you still believe it?” she asked, her voice trembling, as she stared down at his thumb brushing her knuckles with a tenderness she had forgotten.

“yeah, because everything that i do, and everything that i am, is you.”

she didn’t know what toji fushiguro and satoru gojo had said to each other that day.

and perhaps she never would.

but as she poured toji a fresh batch of green tea into a big mug the way she used to, it didn’t really matter at all, did it?

| Φ |

“take care now, and i wish you all the best.”

“goodbye! and really, thankyou. for everything.”

| Φ |

today was a profoundly bittersweet occasion.

“satoru! i can’t believe this is actually happening.”

“well, you might want to start soon.”

it was her graduation day.

again.

there was some parts of it that felt unnervingly familiar, setting her teeth a slightly on edge at the reminders of the past. her kimono was laid neatly on her bed, exactly as it had been the first time. she was sat cross-legged in front of a mirror doing her makeup exactly the same way as she had on that fateful day.

but this time, it already felt better than it did the last time.

she wasn’t paralyzed with worry over the disappearance of a certain dark haired boy. she wasn’t sitting here working herself into a nervous fit over her future. no, she was here, in a new home with her best friend in the whole world. the one who had held her chin and tilted her head for her to look back up towards the stars. the one who had helped steady her shaking bones, his arms around her as he had called back the scattered atoms of her broken soul.

she looked at him fondly, far too fondly, and her angel of the stars looked back at her, alarmingly perplexed, his cheeks flushed in a bright strawberry red. “what?” he mumbled shyly.

he only got a giggle from her, her knees bouncing off the floor with a rush of excitement. she grinned as she she delicately swiped her mascara over her lashes, and satoru shook his head in confusion. he sat down carefully at the edge of her bed, smoothing out any little folds that had formed in her kimono. it was satoru’s graduation gift to her, actually – the kimono. they had picked out the fabric together, spending hours hiking through ridiculously expensive textiles that she insisted was too much, before settling on a luxuriously silky material with green and blue sakura flowers fluttering down the length of the fabric.

“you should have a piece of me on that stage,” he’d said, pointing to the blue petals, then to the green. “and i guess he deserves to be there too.”

it was then easy for her to decide that satoru gojo must be an angel.

she glanced at him again. “are you going to go and get ready, or what?”

“oh, psht! that wont take me long, don’t worry.”

he was currently in a plain black t-shirt and jeans, hair extra fluffy and untamable, and looked absolutely nowhere near ready to attend a graduation ceremony in less than an hour and a half.

“you better not, or i’ll actually kill you.”

satoru only rolled his eyes at that. “yeah yeah, sure. so you can give toji my ticket? no chance.”

while there had been a fragile peace between the two, and satoru didn’t grimace everytime she mentioned toji, he certainly still wasn’t as fond of the dark haired boy as she would have liked by this point.

“speaking of,” satoru continued with an air of nonchalance. “what is the guy doing today without a ticket?”

it had already been decided some time ago that satoru would be the one to have the spare ticket to her graduation. by the time toji had started getting closer to her, it had been too late to change it, and maybe it was also the faint lingering trauma from what had happened at the last one. she was hesitant to give it to him, and it would be a lie to say that toji wasnt disappointed.

though he had tried his best to hide it, she could see right through him.

“oh, he said he would try and sneak in the back to watch. if not, i’ll just meet him at the cafe later tonight.”

her best friend only hummed, watching with fascinated interested, his head tilted as she put her makeup on.

“sneaking in, huh? doesn’t really seem like his style.”

she shrugged her shoulders, blending an extra touch of concealer with her fingers. “he really wants to try and be there for me this time, you know?”

“as he should. i was sorta worried about you both for a while.”

“huh, you? worried about toji?”

“yeah, you’re right. it’s more of a very bland interest.”

she gave him a hard look.

“okay, okay! honestly though, i felt like the only thing stopping him from really getting to you was me. and that after we had that conversation, he would just dive straight back into what you guys had without a second thought.”

she glanced at satoru through the mirror. “well, neither of you want to tell me what you said to each other.”

“mind your business!”

“pft!”

“anyways, i guess it was more that i was worried about something happening and it tearing you apart again. i can’t watch that happen, not after you’ve just put yourself back together.”

satoru sighed, his knee bouncing rapidly. “and, well… i suppose i can only really ask you about how it's going.”

her hands suddenly felt stiff, and she set down her brush. “it’s not… easy, sometimes. we’ve talked about everything that happened, and its painful, but it also just feels good. there’s a part of me that feels more stitched together than i did before. we’re not perfect yet, but we’re both trying, and it’s nice.”

she added more softly. “we laugh more than we used to. a lot now, actually.”

the blue nebula in his eyes sparkled. “yeah?”

“haha, yeah.”

satoru hummed thoughtfully, “you really think its different this time?”

“yeah, i do, satoru.”

“you know, i’ve never told you this, but you say my name the way suguru used to.”

a shaky, lopsided smile played on her lips, her eyes glossing over. “he must have really loved you then.”

satoru’s pearly lashes fluttered, as if he was startled by the weight of her words, and another bashful blush spread across his cheeks, his lips forming a glossy pout.

“like i do,” she added, more teasingly this time. “in case that wasnt obvious enough already.”

“right, okay,” satoru huffed, rubbing the back of his neck as he turned his head away from her. “don’t get all mushy on me now, miss graduate.”

he got up and patted down his jeans, his fingers slipping into his left pocket to feel for his invitation. “i guess i’ll see you after it’s over.”

she squealed excitedly. “okay! see you later!”

| Φ |

the air outside the auditorium was positively electric.

huh, i must have missed out on this feeling the last time.

there were plenty of nervous, jittery smiles and hand shakes as the waiting room buzzed with static energy. she mingled briefly with some of her classmates, musing with them at how far they had come and all the challenges they had overcome. some of them even talked about what their plans were for the future, a few jaws dropping when she quietly admitted where she would be working in tokyo. soon enough, they were all being ushered in to take their seats on the stage.

the reality of the moment was really sinking in as she took her seat. as she smoothed out her kimono, her eyes scanned the seemingly endless rows, which were filling fast with family members and close friends.

she frowned.

satoru’s unmistakable starlight hair was nowhere to be seen.

he must be running late. hopefully he gets here before it starts.

the lights dimmed, and the doors at the back of the auditorium shut with a decisive thud.

i’m really going to kill him.

her heart panged with disappointment.

and then she saw him.

toji fushiguro.

the boy with dark hair who used to never have much to say, and was perfectly happy with not being liked by anybody – except her. the boy with forests in his eyes and a scar on his lip that he didn’t let anybody touch – except her.

the one who hadn’t been there the last time and almost seemed out of place now.

but he was here – for her.

because she was the unexpected variable, the singular exception that had been thrown into his routine equation just to shake the foundations of his existence. and maybe there would be other inexplicable formulas – there probably would – but that didn’t matter. she knew the angels had entangled them together, and there was nothing more to do or say about it. because no matter what had happened, or what would happen, they belonged to each other.

there was a constant pull for each other souls through the broken skin of a golden scar.

satoru must have given him his ticket.

toji was grinning at her, so proud and perfect, standing up and clapping for her like she was the only person in the room as she accepted her certificate.

the music of the angels played on in her mind, bright and clear, for one last time.

and her equation was finally solved.

| Φ |

©storiesoflilies 2024, all rights reserved. please do not plagiarize, translate, or repost any of my work on other sites! i only post on ao3 and tumblr.

[serxinns]

Mocha bunny reader Headcanons!

A yandere class 1a (plus maybe some teachers) x reader

This fic was inspired by my beloved friend and mom @lady-ashfade and her strawberry bunny reader here

Info: Your quirk was a bunny but you were a mocha bunny your ability was speed, Strength in both arms and legs , amazing sense of smell and have super hearing and sharp claws you have 3 forms your normal form (basically a human form) your rabbit form when ur basically a whole rabbit and a gremlin form when ur half rabbit half bun but is smol

•Your classmates are obsessed and abored with everything you do they instantly fell in love with the 1st sight of you

•They would fight over about who would pet your ears or touch your fur or even your little tail (you bite denki hard for pulling it)

• Izuku would research about bunnies and you and would ask you millions of questions about you and the bunnies Ochako and mina would pinch your cheeks too hard which u had to told them off about but dismissed cause you were too cute at times but if you actually wanted them to back off they'll pout whenever you did something cute in front of bakugo he will either call you carrot muncher or cotton bitch and blushes to look away

•You and kota and also kota's bunny are bestie in when nobody is around you and kotas bunny will talk about EVERYTHING even bunny related stuff how hard it is and what delicious food are there

Kota's rabbit: *Speaks,

Reader in the bunny form: THATS WHAT IM SAYING these people have no respect for bunnies

Kotas rabbit: squeak

Reader: Woah woah that's some strong language you have

there dude don't let your owner hear that

•Kota is like your mom's friend since he knows EVERYTHING about rabbits he makes sure you eat the food you need and make sure to slow you down on treats he even makes izukus job easier don't be surprise if these two team up

•Sato will still make sweets for pastries for you but puts ingredients and stuff you like or ur tolerable with and out bunny like puns on there

•Aizawa is the only person you can trust to be in your bunny form he would invite you to cuddle in his sleeping bag or create a best by him so y'all can sleep and cuddle with each other whenever your classmates are overwhelming you Aizawa will lecture the students whenever they give you a hard time

•Mic will make sure to lower his voice because of your sensitive hearing he will make funny bunny puns at you which you'll groan at but he doesn't care he'll spoil you with gifts and hugs and he's VERY overprotective if anyone talk to you in a mean way their eardrums are about to be broken beyond repair

• Mirko is just in AWE she's so glad there's another person with a rabbit-like quirk so it's easier for her to teach you her skills she'll always give you tips about your abilities and encourage you to use every one of them she also give you tips about being a bunny hybrid

Bonus headcanons

•When your Classmates discover you make little squeaks in your sleep the class was holding their selves BACK from either squealing or screaming they all whisper and yelled at themselves to be quiet some tried pulling out their phone but Iida warned them not to since the flash were alert you awake

•Mirko LOVES to talk about you everywhere from her fans to her coworkers even to the number 1 hero Shes always mentions you she even imagines you working at her agency when you grow up you in a copy of her hero costume she's just dying of cuteness

•Denki and Seek love using cheesy bunny flirts to tease you which makes them giggle every time it gets annoying when they spam text over it (denki)

•You and Tsuyu are besties you both chat about your favorite foods and facts about your quirks y'all exchange baby photos of each other and Tsuyu is just dying when she sees you in a cute outfit ur little ears perk up your cute smiling face showing your little tail she keeps these photos to her self tho

•tokoyami is also a great person to hang out as well the two of you would often hang out at a park he would always get nervous about asking you questions that are bunny related afraid that he'll might say something offensive (poor bb) he even let's you sleep in his dorm room whenever you wanted to et sway from your classmates overbearing nature he would even bring snacks for you

•The bakusquad and dekusquad fight over who gets to baby you more which turns into a war when the other students join in Shoji says he wants a turn with you Momo offers to go shopping with her while Hakagure tries to steal you away and attempts to run off it was chaos in the end Aizawa heard and they all got detention while Aizawa was comforting you putting you in your bunny form while having a proud smirk on his face

[hotcheetohatredwastaken]

Celebration: 88,978 Words in One Day!

Just yesterday, a few other LU writers and I, Hot Cheeto Hatred, hosted our first ever monthly (hopefully) Write-a-thon! This event ran on June 4 from 12 am EST to 12 am EST, with one goal in mind---write as many productive words within that day as humanly possible. Words included in the final marathon count ranged from storyboarding, fic writing, editing, answering comments, journalling and homework---basically, any words that furthered yourself, the writing community at large, or your stories. We utilized either the Discord Sprint bot or self-reporting to collect the numbers at the end. Everyone involved gave it their all, with most of them being present for most if not all of the run time as they were able, and I'm so proud of their dedication towards their craft. Anyways, here's the final breakdown of the numbers below, as well as the awards and titles earned by each participant, as decided by the discord server (and myself at random).

Now onto the awards:

I am pleased to report that @not-freyja (Freyja above) won the "Writer of All Time" Award, pulling ahead with 20,565 of our total words. What an accomplishment! Freyja participated from dawn to well, dawn, and they absolutely deserve all praise and awe.

I'm giving myself, @hotcheetohatred (Cheeto), the award "Writer of Some Time," as I fell behind our lovely Freyja by a mere few hundred words fifteen minutes before the clock struck midnight. Next time, Freyja, next time...

The "Actually A Writer" award goes to @marcusdoodlesalot (Marcus), who, despite the name, DOES actually write, not just draw! Who would have thought. Not Freyja, that's for sure.

The "Early Bird" award goes to @lerikwrites (Lerik), who solely sprinted in the wee hours of the morning (my time, at least). Terrible. Good job.

"Star Commentor" goes to @elle-rosewater (Eliot), because I stole most of her words for the count from my own comment section in the BDOR Prologues. We love you, Eliot :3 Can't wait to see you next month.

"Cheerleader" goes to @la-sera, who gave us much encouragement throughout the day. I stole your 19 words from you saying you were excited to read Estelian's work. Hope that's okay, because I really wanted to include you---you provided a lot, even if you didn't write with us this time <3.

@whumpitywhumpitywhumpity (Dowsemaxxer) earns "Spirit-ed Storyboarder" for all of his lovely, informative talk on Spirit and just what makes him so great as a rather underappreciated LU boy.

Two awards next! "Chief Editor" and "Most Student" both go to @unexpectedstormy (Stormy) for faer work on getting. stuff. done. Fae did a steady amount of work, so proud.

"Editor (of Word Count) in Chief" goes to @tashacee (Tash), who, at reporting time, was scrounging up 100 and 200 word bits like spare change while I desperately tried to do math. I love you, never change.

The title of "Specter" goes to @somer-writes (Somer), who logged in very few sprints, but participated with the rest of us and pulled up at the end with a whole 7.5K words and a bunch of fics to post at the end, with a lot of it being Ghost AU! He's amazing.

The award "Better Late than Never" goes to our resident artist and recently turned fic-writer @estelian-01 (Este), who joined only in the last half of the marathon but managed to pull a whole 4K! Pictures might be worth a thousand words, but Este wrote a couple more anyway.

@across-violet-skies (Riv) gets the title "Mover and Shaker (of Blorbos)" for managing to participate and get quite the hefty wordcount only a DAY after moving. They're a trooper, that's for sure.

@anime-obsessed (Vio/Nene) earns the award "Most Old School" for writing with pen and paper for most of the day. Please go rest your wrist after all of that.

The award "Head in the Clouds" goes to my bestie and beloved beta reader @needfantasticstories (Skip), who spent the day listening to music and writing Skyloft drabbles. I am nervous/excited to see if those drabbles turned out fluffy as a Loftwing, or perhaps into something more angsty.

@noorahqar (Qar), my lovely fragile Victorian wife, earns the title "Chatty." You know why. But you were there nearly all of the run time, and so engaging and encouraging throughout---a blessing to us all. And even then, you managed to pull so many words. I'm impressed.

And finally, @rosehipandroots / @rosetintedtears (Rose) receives the titles "ndskanefnre" (self chosen) and "Birthday Santa." The first was borne of panic of being asked to choose a title---the second of her relentless effort to get her birthday fics done. Great job.

I'd like to thank everyone that I tagged for participating in the write-a-thon, and thank all of you for helping me draft this post as well. If I messed up any word counts or details or pronouns, you want to request a title/award change, or I missed someone, please DM and let me know! The next Write-a-thon will be held on July 1 from 12am to 12am GMT, and we'll be trying to beat our record. Can't wait to see all of you then!

[svechnikovvv]

ever since toronto (1)

series masterlist: here

y/n.drysdale

liked by jamie.drysdale and others

y/n.drysdale off season (:

view comments

jamie.drysdale who is this? what’s his name, address, social security number, license plate number, etc 🤨

y/n.drysdale this is why charlie is the better brother 😊

jamie.drysdale he’s what? 🧏‍♂️

y/n.drysdale jamie, we’ve told you to replace the batteries in your hearing aids dozen of times 🤦‍♀️

jamie.drysdale free sister for sale, who wants her?

y/n.drysdale i’m older than you, you can’t sell me🙄

jamie.drysdale not right now you’re not.

trevorzegras i’ll take her 🙋‍♂️

jamie.drysdale i’ll hose you down, trevor. i told you to stop hitting on my older sister

trevorzegras seniority rules and i’m older than you, so you’re not the boss of me. y/n, im all yours (;

y/n.drysdale i hate to burst your bubble, trevorzegras, but contradictory to mrs beyoncé, im not a single lady

trevorzegras WHAT??? MY LIFE IS CRUSHED. how will i ever cope with my juliet being stolen from me 😔

y/n.drysdale go do a money spread

trevorzegras all i have are ones right now

y/n.drysdale go show off your george washington’s🙏

jackhughes 😧😧

y/n.drysdale shhhh

jamie.drysdale noooo. hughes, you know something so share with the class. we’re all waiting

jackhughes I PLEAD THE FIFTH (was that good y/n?)

y/n.drysdale perfect hughesy. just like we rehearsed

jackhughes mom will be so proud

jamie.drysdale STOP SWITCHING SUBJECTS. JACKSON, WHO IS MY SISTER DATING???

jackhughes it says i cant share secrets in the bestfriend contract

jamie.drysdale theres a contract now??

y/n.drysdale there’s always been a contract 🙄

trevorzegras it’s rule #3 in the contract to not share secrets

jamie.drysdale YOU SIGNED IT TOO????

trevorzegras duh

lhughes_06 🫣🫣

jamie.drysdale you hughes’ and your stupid cryptic messages

y/n.drysdale you’re just mad i told them before you 🙄

jamie.drysdale does trevor know who it is too??

y/n.drysdale no ofc not

trevorzegras HEY

y/n.drysdale sorry zegras

jamie.drysdale i feel somewhat better now

y/n.drysdale anyways, soon lukey. soon.

trevorzegras this is almost as exciting as a face reveal

jamie.drysdale you embarrass me so much, i’m locking you out trevorzegras

user1 these conversations are such comedy gold 😭

user2 i love the drysdale siblings

user3 WHO IS THAT MAN AND WHY DON’T WE KNOW WHO IT IS???

user4 i feel like we need to see the bestfriend contract rules now

user5 it’s so not bestie like of you to gatekeep your man

y/n.drysdale soon 🤞

_quinnhughes the dog is adorable

y/n.drysdale thanks q. still gotta decide a name for him

_quinnhughes should name him thor

y/n.drysdale YOU GENIUS

jackhughes don’t inflate his ego

jamie.drysdale quintin, do you know who my beloved, amazing, (insert more adjectives here), sister is dating?

_quinnhughes nope

jamie.drysdale there goes my only hope

colecaufield DOG!!!

y/n.drysdale he said his first words 🥹 let me grab my camera and take a picture for the album

_alexturcotte who is this mystery man???

y/n.drysdale a woman never reveals her secrets

_alexturcotte pretty sure it’s a magician, but okay

y/n.drysdale pretty sure it’s not, but okay!

user6 the dog >>>

liked by y/n.drysdale

user7 is nobody paying attention to the caption??

user8 time to do some instagram digging to find out who he is

masonmctavish23 where was my invite? 😧

y/n.drysdale got lost in the post. sorry big mac

masonmctavish23 i see where loyalties lie 😔💔

y/n.drysdale you’re still my favorite canadian, don’t worry

jamie.drysdale what?

y/n.drysdale keep scrolling, this isn’t about you

johngibson36 they grow up so fast (‘: soon you’ll be married with two dogs

y/n.drysdale love you too dad!

a/n: first part 🤭 the plot will progress the further we get going, trust

tags: @jackhues @jackhughesily @nowandkei @starsandhughes @jhughesl0v3r

[actual-changeling]

my brain's kinda dead after therapy today but has anyone ever thought about when aziraphale started writing diaries?

in 1827 he says he is on volume 603. now, we COULD simply assume that he uses one diary per year, which would put our starting date in 1224. however, there's two things that bother me about that line of thinking. it is a very late time to start writing diaries considering that paper and writing have been around almost as long as he has plus over six hundred volumes - that's some fucking dedication right there. he LOVES books and thus probably loves preserving stories in general, so the second he heard of diaries being thing he started keeping one. or maybe he even invented them.

on top of that, crowley and aziraphale do not perceive time like we do, and after almost six thousand years memorable events have probably become a bit rarer.

which leads us back to the question of when he started documenting those events.

we have to entirely guesstimate this but let's say the average diary he uses has 200 pages (notebooks have a big variety of page numbers and this one's easy to work with) and he writes a minimum of one entry a month across 4 single pages. we see him NOT use the backside of a page and his handwriting is quite large.

but he probably doesn't always have an entire story to tell and we do have one other entry that really isn't very long (which can be found in the bonus section of episode 3).

so if we go with 4 pages per entry on average we'd have 50 entries per diary. divided by 12 makes around 4 years contained within one volume.

4 x 603 = 2412

1827 - 2412 = - 585

585 AD is pretty damn early and doesn't really ring a bell and that's when we use some very generous numbers and assume he writes a lot.

but.

what happens when we loosen up a little?

let's say he doesn't write 12 entries per year and that the average is less than 4 pages of writing - let's give him some more time to fill 603 volumes which. again. is quite a fucking lot and there is the very real question of where he keeps them and if crowley has seen them.

anyway. more time. paper around 3000 BC but also heaven and hell don't stick to human developments and crowley had paper in heaven.

have you guessed where i'm going with this yet?

tell me beloved tumblr bestie, do you remember the first time we get to see writing on paper that isn't celestial sketches on celestial paper?

if your answer is "job in 2500" then congrats, you won!

the conclusion to this rambling is that there's a good chance aziraphale started keeping a diary after the entire job incident. when he was exposed to earthly pleasure. when he had to start keeping track of what happened and what crowley did vs. what he SAID he did. when having a record like the god/satan contract became important.

however i want you to consider the funniest possible answer to the question "why did aziraphale start writing diaries" - he and crowley fucked and had incredibly mind blowing sex in that cellar and when aziraphale realised he had no one to talk to about it he sat down and invented diaries.

[chodzacaparodia]

i finally got caught up with a certain volleyball anime some time last week or so!! i love all the boys so much ;-; v__v my queue is now filled with more posts than it has had in weeks (currently at 200+, and 50+ in drafts) and 90% of it is haikyuu. ya girl is down horrendous

it's literally impossible to choose favorites so i feel kind of evil for asking but who is your favorite from each team?? (can pick two if one is physically not possible [i totally understand LMFAO])

I can't believe it 🤯. You know that a few hours before I got your ask, I wanted to send you an ask like "Hey, I just wanted to say that every time I see you reblog a Haikyuu!! post, I smile because I'm really glad you liked it" ?? And then I was like "Nah, I'll send it later" 😭😭 LMAOO you sensed it 😭🫶🏻

ANYWAY

First of all: *SCREAMS" It's great that you liked it so much and now they're taking over your queue and draws!! <33 yeah, girl is down bad lmaoo

True, that's pretty evil, so thank you for kindly letting me choose 2 characters from the teams hahah :')

I don't think I can choose my favorite characters from each team, because in my eyes some teams are just groups of NPCs, I'm sorry 😭😭 But here are the most popular ones teams and my favs from them:

Karasuno

Ofc Sugawara is my number one hahah. I love his personality <3 He's funny, trustworthy and expresses love through violence xD

I really respect him for being able to back down when needed and showing full support to Kageyama.

Hmm who else do I like the most? Asahi is adorable :3 Poor guy, he's always scared, I wanna hug him

Nekoma

Kenma is in my top Haikyuu!! characters, so of course he's my first choice from Nekoma. I love intelligent characters and he is the brains of this team, and he is so relatable :')

And where is Kenma, Kuroo must be there too! Just…look at him… I love how supportive Kenma is, he's a great friend and his hyena laugh kills me hahah. Funny (and clever!!) guy!

Aoba Johsai High

Oikawa is my favorite villain hahah! (seriously, I love these memes when Oikawa is next to Sukuna in the top villains 😭😭) He has his flaws, he may not be the most pleasant character, but he is brilliantly created and his frustrations are completely understandable! He is extremely human (and childish)

And... Oikawa in glasses...

For balance, I also choose Iwazumi, because someone has to control Oikawa and no one is suited for that like him xD Another character who expresses his concern through violence :')

Fukurōdani Academy

AKAASHI!!! I spent over a year writing a fanfic about him and Sakusa (as roomates and besties) and it made him one of the characters closest to my heart. His fears and worries are no stranger to me.

And of course HEY HEY HEY BOKUTO!!! He's so funny and his emo mood improves my mood xD

Shiratorizawa Academy

Semi! It's emo Sugawara, of course I love him hahah. And in time skip he's a musician, so I'm totally crazy about him

Ushijima! He's blunt and clueless and I love it. He's funny and he doesn't even try :') And he plays in the time skip in Poland, so he's my guy :3

Inarizaki High

Kita! Come, on, he's perfect! And after he burst into tears when he got the captain's jacket… that did something to my heart.

You would think I would choose Atsumu because of the amount of Sakuatsu content on my blog hahah BUT NO hahah

...no, okay, I like the guy… mostly because of Sakusa, but I like him. He's annoying, he has a nasty personality, but I've invested too much time in him, so he has to be here

Itachiyama Institute

Oh my Omi Omi, my beloved Sakusa Kiyoomi!I love this grumpy guy, he says what's on his mind. And his germaphobic side somehow wins me over. He's another character I've focused on a lot while writing fanfics, so he's very close to my heart and I feel like I understand him on a completely different, closer level

His cousin, Komori, also has to be here! He's his closest (only??) friend and I appreciate him being with him (their dynamic is gold!)! And he's just a really cool guy

Johzenji High

I will exceptionally choose a manager from this team! Hana is great, she's really screwed with these guys, but she manages somehow :')

Date Tech High

Koganegawa is an energetic and friendly boy who looks like an angry bird! I can't believe that someone can dislike him

I guess that's it?

Thank you so much for the ask, it made my day (＾▽＾) I really like these interactions! Now we can officially bond more over Haikyuu!! hahah <3

Have a nice day! ヽ(・∀・)ﾉ

[aziraphales-library]

Lost Fic #163

1. Hello! Thank you for the work you do! I have lost a fic on archiveofourown (it seems to have been deleted) but I'm wondering if anyone knows if it's been posted somewhere else or if there are any copies out there that are ok to be shared pls? It's an Aziraphale and Crowley through the ages but with the twist of it being Aziraphale's discorporated spirit trying to find its way back through time to modern day Crowley (with the premise being that Adam never recorporated Aziraphale after Armageddon). Thank you so much!! - @tumbl3w33d

2. My beloved bestie, I'm looking for a fic I've read in 2019, it's a priest Aziraphale AU, it's very gloomy and melancholic, Crowley is going through it as always, the one specific detail I remember is that they go on a date and visit the Barbican Centre because Crowley loves brutalism - @hiperfixationqueen

3. hello!! years ago, pre series, i read some book where crowley is stuck in hell and aziraphale sort of lightheartedly stumbles his way down through dante's inferno to rescue him. at some point he's possessed by his sword and the story gets somewhat more serious? i can't even remember if it was good or not, but i've been wanting to read it again for absolute ages and i can't find it for the life of me. i hope that was enough info!! thanks again so much for the help!! - anon

4. hello there! i've been trying to track down a fic where heaven and hell get in a competition around the 60s over music, because rock n' roll has a lot of sway over human minds. and aziraphale ends up inspiring 'turn, turn, turn' by the byrds, which makes hell furious. have you guys seen that one? - @give-soup-please

5. hey, hope y'all r doing well! sure ur swamped, but years and years ago i read a book verse story i'd love to find again! it took place in ancient egypt, crowley was an advisor of some kind, and aziraphale came with an arranged marriage. crowley accidentally sees aziraphale in the bath briefly and i believe they have a tipsy encounter in a garden? thank you so much! - anon

If you know any of these fics please include the number in your reply! Thank you :)

- Mod D

[xerith-42]

Minecraft Diaries Stoner Headcanons

Part 2 in the Aphverse Stoner Series!

Disclaimer: I haven't watched Season 3! I mean, I have, but I don't remember any of it other than that Blaze was in it-- And I just checked the wiki and he's a villain? Uhm. No, he isn't. Hatsune help me I'm going to have to make a whole post about that now... anyways, pretend Blaze is just like another guard Irena gathered because she just collects them like they're pokemon.

Blaze our beloved to start us off. Uh, pipe weed is really common in Ru'aun, it's actually a primary export. And well, Blaze is a pretty big fan of it. Once when he's smoking weed with his friend, he comes to a realization.

"Listen, listen. We use earth with the plant, fire by lighting it, and air to inhale it. What we're missing is water." I am saying that Blaze made the first bong in the MCD universe. Or that he at least came up with it and was credited for the original idea. These two are very proud of their idea and want to spread it everywhere.

Pipe weed is not allowed at the guard academy, and guards are expected to remain sober, even though alcohol is okay?? Doesn't really make sense to a lot of new cadets, including Laurance, who's able to smuggle it in, and hide it from Garroth.

Vylad does actually smoke pipe weed, particularly while on his own during those 15 years. It helps relax their muscles, and causes a sort of numbness that helps keep the calling quiet.

When he tells Laurance of this, both of them share it together at some point.

Dante used to smoke weed with Laurance on slow nights in Phoenix Drop, and even smoked it with Nicole a few times. He quit when he found out Nana was pregnant.

The number one smoker is Travis. His mom had a stock pile of it he found, enough to last years, and it's one of the main things he brings with him to Ru'aun.

When Travis and Blaze meet, they are instant friends. I don't know what happens in Season 3, but this is all that matters to me. They would be BESTIES!!

Despite being banned by the church, Zane is in a position of power so the rules don't apply to him. He never does it when he has something serious going on, but when Zane has some downtime, he'll light up a bowl to take the strain out of his shoulders.

A downside of being a Shadow Knight is that your lungs are much more used to inhaling smoke and dealing with heat thanks to the Nether, so they have some insane tolerance. Like, Vylad was smoking so much, and Laurance is never not frustrated at how much he has to go through in a single sitting just to feel something.

And Aaron? When he was a father? And a Lord?? Of course he was smoking. He was very careful about it, and kept it away from Jacob. And as he traveled with the rest of the cast, he was always careful to hide it from the kids. He didn't quite mind if anyone else saw, as long as they were smart enough not to ask for it.

Travis is not smart enough.

Also Aaron likes wearing the bandana when he accidentally gets a little too high so no one can see how bloodshot his eyes are. Irena can tell by the way he stumbles a little more than usual.

Zoey? Pot head. She's literally an immortal elf, she has tried every drug Ru'aun has ever had and then some. She stops smoking it as much when she's taking care of the kids, but after the group is gone for a few years and she spends more nights searching for a way to bring them back, she picks it back up to try and seem less stressed when people talk to her.

I feel like all Lords smoke just a little. Like, it's such a stressful job. You're constantly having to care for so many people, be a master of subjects you might not have studied, and who knows when one day you wake up to the news that you have to ready yourself for war. People need a way to relieve the stress.

Except Irena. She tried it once when she caught Aaron smoking and it tasted so bad and she did not enjoy the feeling at all. When she becomes friends with Blaze he tries to coax her into it, but she never caves, and he backs off.

LUCINDA on the other hand!! She's a witch! She's a bit of an herbalist! Does she know the perfect growing conditions for the plant of origin and how to cultivate it's harvest for maximum output?? You bet your ass she does!

Blaze x Lucinda x Travis polycule when?

The first time Lucinda and Blaze meet each other he tells her about his innovation of using glass devices to create water vapor that you can smoke, and Lucinda very eagerly drags him into her brewing room and just proudly goes "I have a cauldron!! >:)" And Blaze gets so excited!! He's already trying to figure out what he would have to custom order to work with this, but he needs to try it.

Wait why is that adorable I need to write that now.

[psicostyles]

PART I

Hello besties, hope youre doing amazing! this is a piece of smtg I wrote a long time ago, I just made some changes and I hope you like this time....

a/n: singledad!harry, main/oc, divorced!harry, co-parenting!, friends to lovers, co-workers.

sumarry: harry is a recently divorced dad and doesnt know what to do with his life, until he meets a beloved co-worker

For now, you need to pay attention to this equation. According to this theory - mathematically speaking - positive added to positive equals positive. This means that, if you have a positive action in your life and add some more, the result shall be positive as well, isn't it? You see, Harry started to work very early in his life to help his mom take care of their home. Late in school, he also had a part-time job so he could save some money for college. He was very into numbers, so he was planning to go to Computer Engineering in college just after he finished school.

But not everything is just the way we want, right? Harry has been dating this beautiful girl since his first year of high school. They started with a friendship when both noticed that what they felt was more than just friendship, so it was given a shot, and since then they got together. Add this sequence to your equation: Two young people in love, plus hormones burning in their skin after some shots of tequila, multiply to an empty bathroom. What do we have? Yes, an unplanned pregnancy. They were both sitting in Karen's bathroom when the test result showed two lines, just proving their theory. Karen told him about two weeks ago she didn't get her period yet. He said "Don't worry, everything is gonna be fine, yeah? You told me that things like that can happen. " He for the first time, wasn't right. Harry was always right about things. Karen was pregnant and devastated. Sure, she wanted to be a mother someday, but that didn't mean it needed to happen right now when there was so much ahead. Both did. They experienced devastation, and their parents felt disappointment as well. The four of them were. But still decided to keep their baby angel.

And thank God they did it.

She was their little jar of happiness and joy. Wasn't easy to get where they are right now. They sacrificed so much for this moment. Both worked hard, so it was possible to buy every necessary little thing for their little Cassie - short for Cassandra, Karen's gramma. Double shifts and sleepless nights for Harry while trying to get everything settled, Karen working on her projects as well as opening her little boutique. From nursery to study sessions online to keep on track. It was a nightmare for both until this exact moment when they held their little chubby-haired princess in their arms. She was such a pretty girl, a perfect mixture of his pale skin with the exact amount of melanin from her mother. Just perfect.

They got married when Cassie just began to walk. It wasn't a big ceremony, just signing some papers, and Cassie, who was only 10 months old when walked down the aisle where they stood while waiting for her, looking like two goofy. Cassie was holding a little box with the rings, and that was it. A perfect little wedding for a perfect little family.

Until they weren't anymore.

Cassie was 3 years old when her parent got divorced. Harry and Karen made the decision to have shared custody for the sake of Cassie. Weekdays for Harry, weekends for Karen. It was a decision for the three of them. Nothing bad happened with the couple for such a thing as divorce. Their wedding things didn't ring as right as one day did. That adolescent flame got colder, so it was the best solution. When they sat down to talk about it, Harry experienced a lot of hurt and they reached an agreement on what was best. After all, he loved Karen and what they had. After a while, he noticed what he loved was his idea of the perfect relationship they had. Nothing is always that perfect, but in his head, he constructed all they built - their home, their belongings, all the little things, and details... They made all of this part of their history, but they also crafted a story that will never be erased. So the happy ever after they promised is still valid, they will be happy even if they are not together anymore. Their bond was forever. They ended on good terms, so everything was fine.

Even being ungraduated, Harry is working in computer engineering in a little building in the city, it wasn't as he planned but, at least he gets the money he needs. Cassie is 4 now, she is a kindergarten and a very smart and energetic little girl. Sometimes Harry is still astonished by how much energy she has. That was Karen's side, because he loved calm and silence, on the contrary of his girls. Karen hadn't his for a while now, but she is the mother of his child so, somehow she was still his girl in a non-possessive way.

This particular Tuesday, the requirements and schedules were calmer than normal. His supervisor, Jonah, sent an email to his team informing them, that they had a meeting in the afternoon with a potentially important client. Turns out this client wasn't from the UK or any other English-speaking country, but a Spanish company, and to be honest the Spanish company called La Computacion, wasn't interested in a full English-only meeting. Not every single person in the entire build knew a second language which was a shame. Jonah found a last-minute translator so they could help them as soon as possible.

The meeting was at 3 pm, at 1:30 pm the translator was already there. Some co-workers weren't very comfortable with the foreign company, and many of them whispered ''Doesn't make sense, why they didn't get an English translator?" Harry was beside this particular worker and said

"Well Conan, it's not their fault if you decided not to study another language"

"Oh, you did study then?"

"I haven't," he confesses "But you didn't see me complain, did you?"

"You're such a little thing, Styles. That's why no one likes you. "

Harry just rolled his eyes and left the cafeteria straight to the conference room where the meeting was about to happen. When he got into his seat, he looked around the room seeing some familiar faces, sometimes nodding in a silent 'hello'. He kept looking around when he saw it, right there in the right corner, sitting facing the marble table while reading what seemed to be noted, a tall golden skin with wavy hair, looking attractive as hell just by existing. The sight of it, right there in the right corner, sitting facing the marble table while reading what seemed to be noted, a tall golden skin with wavy hair, looking attractive as hell just by existing, enchanted him.

Jonah entered to room, went straight to the table where the lady was, and opened his computer typing something fast, suddenly the white screen plugged in lit up, and three unknown faces showed up. The lady stood up beside Jonah, who had been sitting in the corner until then.

"Good afternoon everyone," everybody responded and, he continued, "This is Rebeca Rojas, our translator. Miss Rojas has worked with Mr. Sabino for a long time now. While I was panicking about adjusting this meeting, Mr. Sabino indicated to me, Miss Rojas. Believe me, when I say she is a life savior," he said laughing, the room joined him, so he continued, "Please Miss Rojas, introduce yourself"

Rebeca started to speak. She explained she was a translator, and teacher, and interpreted in her free time. She works for a publishing company as a translator of Latin languages. Just after her presentation, Mr. Sabino started to speak, and so did Rebeca. As Sabino spoke, Rebeca translated right away. He could swear, he was in love with her voice. She sounded so smooth, she was so quick and so interactive. The purpose of the meeting was to discuss a new platform they were trying to create for another company. And Sabino's company would sponsor their project. It would take some time since what they were proposing would take a lot of work, and when I say a lot, I mean it. It was an extensive project, with interactive pages, online consultors, and the options go on and on. The meeting lasted at least 1 hour and a half. In the meantime, Miss Rojas spoke non-stop. I mean just a few times to sip water. Harry keeps thinking he could never last the way she did.

Everybody was leaving the room. Harry waited so he could introduce himself, he had to admit it, he was feeling kinda shy. It was a hard-working woman who spoke more than one language, more than he could be someday as a human being. Was he exaggerating? Yeah, I think so.

"Hello," he said, giving his hand for her to shake. "My name is Harry, it's a pleasure"

She smiles and shakes his hand. "It's a pleasure Harry. You're good?"

"I'm great, what about you?" she nodded saying she was fine "The conference was just incredible. I'm glad I could join...So I wanted to ask you, you mentioned you're a teacher right? You only teach Spanish?" she nodded.

She smiled brightly and answered,

"Well, yes, I'm a teacher and all my work involves the romantic languages, and English, and a bit of German. I'm not that good, but I'm trying," she laughed.

Harry could barely contain himself. Her laugh sounded like Christmas bells. He was just so impressed and being this beautiful...Got him right in the stomach.

"So, like..." he said, but she interrupted it

"Harry, I'd love to talk to you, but I kinda need to go. You know...paperwork," she said rolling her eyes.

He nodded "Oh, sure. Let me walk you out?" he said, offering his arm, which she gladly embraced. 

After that, he went back to his own shit. But his mind was far away.

**

well thats it, lmk your feelings and if you maybe wants to read the second part or so...anyways

keep shining, i love you!!

[alwida10]

Bestie, you keep talking about the viewership article of Loki for ages. When will you put it up? I'm going insane with people claiming its the best thing ever

Ahhhh 😱 my bad conscience learned to send Tumblr asks!!!! 😱😱 /joke

And yes. You got me there. 😭 after season 2 ended, I told myself it was necessary to wait a bit so the Google Trends graphs wouldn’t look so chopped off, and ended up procrastinating the post because I never wanted to think about *that* show ever again. 😭

But yes - be assured - while the defenders of the show are often vicious and try to make it look like it was generally loved, the stats paint another picture. (The same was true for season 1, though. I recommend taking a look at this amazing analysis posted on Reddit.) For now, let’s take the rough overview of season 2 from Google Trends here.

Google Trends only provides relative graphs (=percentages of a maximum), but in a way this makes it even better. The public interest in Loki peaked with season 1 (airing from 09. June - 14. July 2021). Season two (5. October - 9. November 2023) sparked about half of the interest. Overall, that’s a pretty clear picture season 2 lost a lot of viewer interest.

But let’s look into the details, meaning the single episodes. Here we have the first three ones (released on the 5th, 12th and 19th October).

Each episode marks a small peak in interest. Typically, the interest decreases over a season, so the first episode being the biggest hit is no surprise. The decrease however is. As a reminder: season 1 suffered a 30% decrease in viewership between episodes 1 and 3, which was considered horrible at the time. While this graph does not reflect viewership but Google searches, the decrease between episodes 1 and 3 is still 50%. (Also, I kinda prefer Google stats to viewership stats since they reflect how much real interest the series managed to create, leaving out all those people who mindlessly consumed the series without thinking further. It does however have the bias that an incomprehensible plot might inflate the numbers because people look for explanations online.)

The first peak in the next pic is again episode 3, followed by 4 (26. October), 5 (2. November), and the last episode (9. November). It’s easily visible that the finale has created the most interest. Sadly, Google Trends did not provide a graph where all the episodes could be compared, but based on the fact that the episode 3 peak was half as high as the one for episode 1, we can estimate that the episode 1 peak would have been at approximately 55-60% in this graph.

So why is that interesting? The two most interesting episodes were the opening and the finale. That’s not that unusual, but in the end, it still burns down to the fact that people kinda tuned out in between. I wouldn’t exclude the possibility that the major questions regarding Loki’s future (is he dead now? Can people visit him? How did this work?) inflated the peak for the finale.

Ok, but what about the actual views?

Well, I can never compete with thochi-1’s analysis, but I’ll do my best. But first this gem:

So, apparently, the 50% drop in Google Trends is associated with a 39% drop in viewed minutes.

For the overall season, the Hollywood reporter says this:

Summarized: only two-thirds of viewers from season 1 returned for season 2. The ones who did return showed about 15% less engagement in googling our beloved god of mischief.

I have another, personal reason to find that little fact particularly interesting. In the Loki survey, 26% of all respondents indicated they disliked the show. At the time of the survey, some people assumed this number to be falsely inflated, because I was more active in the “anti-series fandom”. Given the viewing numbers of season 2, I feel sadly validated. After all, the drop of 35% is even higher than my estimates.

[whewchilly]

elle beloved do u have any fernando kimi lore. like. what am i missing

do u know what a loaded question this is oh boy buckle up

2014,,,two thousand and fourteen….

Fernando Alonso, Felipe Massa and Scuderia Ferrari has just come out of a pretty hellish season-end, totally dominated by an unhinged blond german speaking red bull golden boy (am I ringing any bells?) their fourth successive failed title challenge despite the spaniard finishing 2nd, by less than 5 points, on 2 of those occasions.

So. 2014. Ferrari retain Fernando and drop Felipe, bringing their most recent WDC Kimi Raikkonen back into the famiglia. I do believe the re-signing of Kimi was a statement by the team and one which upset Fernando greatly, considering he was clear number one driver to Felipe at the time. like the pressure was turning up on nando

Now. on top of that, 2014 was the beginning of a huge sea change in f1, the mercedes domination turbo hybrid era, which introduced the V6 hybrid power units and lower-downforce aerodynamic regs.

so lights out and away we etc etc.

Kimi has an absolute stinker. Like its bad bestie. Across the 2014 season, Fernando outscored Kimi 161 points to 55. and YES, those numbers are tickling my brain too.

This led many upset kimi truthers to do what all good sleuths do. follow the money! and their nose for investigation sniffed them all the way to Santander’s door. the SPANISH (helloooo???!!!???) sponsor of the scuderia. case open and shut. SABOTAGE! clear as day.

((we pay no mind here to the fact that Kimi was adapting to a new team and new regulations, had previously been outscored at Ferrari by Felipe Massa in 2008, that his previous teammate and reference was grosjean, that the 2015 car was far superior to the F14-T, the bank was still a ferrari sponsor or that Kimi went on to be out scored by his next teammate, ze german, 278 points to Kimi’s 150, the following year also and all other consecutive years until 2019)) no matter. we’re wise to them now and if they EVER try that shit again-ANYWAY.

Despite all the background drama, the two drivers maintained a healthy respect for each other but with Fernando fed up of Ferrari and already planing his next move (and pining for Felipe 💔) and Kimi retrospectively… highly likely in the know re: the ink drying on zebastian fettel’s ferrari contract (that damn chatterbox). probably didn’t invest a lot of time into their teammate dynamic but will live forever in my brain as girlbestfriends who slayed those cavallino embalm blazers and, in Kimi’s own words had an “odd” chemistry. <3

“I think one thing you can notice is that you can race with him very closely, as it always was with him. You kind of know what’s going to happen or what was not going to happen so, in that way, yes, it’s different. You get what you expect and, with some other people, you are not so sure. With Alonso you can trust him” – Kimi Raikkonen said, about his on-track battles with the Spanish driver.

[ghoulspaw]

*slides 5 8 12 13 14 under your door too*

The numbers have been received (*ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)ꕤ*.

IM SORRY THOUGHT I COULD ONLY SEND ONE HGGDBSJ ;-; next time you will get spammed 🫡

~

5. Which character did you choose as your first ghoul and why?

♡ I was between haku and rui, but ended up choosing rui cause im a sucker for flirty characters little did i know he wasn't gonna be the only one.......

8. What's your favorite SSR warding card and favorite SR warding card?

♡ I couldn't choose only one:

(The yin and yang one makes me chuckle every time!!! And the besties...my pretty beloveds<3)

And sr:

(THE CUTEST!!!)

12. What's your favorite character from each house?

♡ Frostheim: jin

Vagastrom: sho (*ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)ꕤ*.ﾟ

Jabberwock: ren

Sinostra: taiga

Hotarubi: *hands shaking* haku <3

Obscuary: LYCA LYCA LYCA

Mortkranken: honestly, here is equal so both? Both.

13. What's your least favorite character from each house?

♡ I don't dislike anyone, so this is basically a "the ones that aren't my favorites" lol

Frostheim: i think it might be luca

Vagastrom: leo

Jabberwock: towa

Sinostra: ritsu

Hotarubi: subaru

Obscuary: none of them 🗣

Mortkranken: again, its equal

14. Which staff member is your favorite? (The cats are included as staff)

♡ They will always be the favorite

Real answer tho: Dante

THANK YOU AYA, THIS WAS SO MUCH FUN ANSWERING (and actually got me thinking some answers gghdgs)<3<3<3

[rose-of-oz]

𝙉𝙀𝙒𝙀𝙎𝙏 𝙋𝙇𝙊𝙏 𝘽𝙐𝙉𝙉𝙄𝙀𝙎

Alright, since I realize I haven’t exactly been as active on here recently as I would like to have been, I thought I would attempt to make up for it by letting you guys in on some of the newest OC babies I’m planning on introducing soon. I hope you guys like these little tidbits, and (even though I don’t have any of their intro posts up yet), feel free to ask me whatever questions you’d like about them!!

BAILEY TAYLOR, GLEE:

— Texas native who transfers to McKinley at the beginning of season two after her mother’s job is relocated to Lima.

— Generally your typical sweet Southern belle, but also fiercely independent and has a feisty streak.

— Well-set up to be popular when she first transfers, but quickly becomes an outcast after giving a tongue-lashing to some jocks after she watches them slushy Tina, so she joins New Directions.

— Generally sings country and pop music outside of the group numbers, but occasionally busts out a showtune (and does some country duets with Sam).

— Either a Tina or Santana ship, I haven’t quite decided yet.

CLARKE TALEB, TRIPLE FRONTIER:

— Her story is set in kind of an AU post-canon after the boys recover the stolen money from the ravine, where Santi officially retires and they all move to the same town close to each other (and also where Frankie doesn’t have a baby and broke up with his girlfriend because I just. Can’t really deal with that).

— Quite literally bumps into Frankie at a bar (and spills her drink all over him) and very quickly becomes friends with all four of them.

— A total energetic and social ray of sunshine who’s very comfortable in her bisexuality and active in her local queer community, and helps the boys come to terms with their various non-straight identities.

— The main singer at a local burlesque club, and KILLS it as a performer.

— In a poly ship with all four former Delta Squad boys, who are all also dating each other (except for Will and Benny, obviously).

GRETA DWARF, DISNEY’S DESCENDANTS:

— Daughter of Grumpy of the seven dwarves fame.

— Pretty much lives up to her father’s name; doesn’t put up with one bit of crap and is never afraid to speak her mind (which normally doesn’t make most people happy, but she doesn’t really like people anyway).

— Is definitely an outcast in Auradon and at school; the only people who actually talk to her at school outside of the teachers are Ben and her cousin Doug, who’s actually a little scared of her.

— Befriends Mal almost immediately after the VKs get to Auradon (they are truly kindred spirits) and decides to try and help them steal Fairy Godmother’s wand because she resents Auradon and how fake and falsely cherry it is.

— Doesn’t really lose her prickly streak by the time the Coronation rolls around, but does come to realize that not everyone in Auradon is so bad and she needs to let people in more.

— Definitely besties with Mal, but also strikes up unlikely friendships with Carlos and Lonnie (and kind of becomes Carlos and Jane’s unofficial protector since they’re both pretty quiet and she is. Not).

— Also an Evie ship because I simply have to give my beloved girl a girlfriend. <3

ISAAC HOLLIDAY, TWLIGHT:

— A boyfriend for my bi king Charlie Swan. <3

— A tailor who runs a clothing shop in downtown Forks - Charlie constantly brings his uniform to his shop whenever it gets ripped.

— Definitely suspects the Cullens of being vampires but can never prove it until Charlie lets him know about Edward and this man just jumps up and shouts “I KNEW IT!”

— Sweet but fiercely loyal and protective Gryffinpuff king. <3

— Definitely acts as a non-Charlie adult confidant to Bella and is the best stepdad when he and Charlie finally get together.

— Also used to have a bit of a crush on Carlisle and still gets nervous around him even after getting together with Charlie because Carlisle is just. So pretty.

LUCY SCRUBB, INDIANA JONES:

— A British archeologist working with American Army Intelligence who gets assigned with Indy to help him find the Ark of the Covenant.

— Kind of shy and socially awkward (mostly due to constantly being underestimated in her field for being a woman) but incredibly intelligent and observant and knows when to stand her ground and not take other people’s crap.

— (Also probably autistic, but, well, they didn’t really have the language for that back then. But she is.)

— An incredibly sweet and compassionate woman who would do anything to help people in need (but also tends to trust too easily, which is why Indy is good at balancing her out).

— Indy likes to call her Lou, and she pretends to hate it, but she secretly loves that he thinks enough of her to give her a cute nickname.

— A ship for the daring professor himself, obviously!

VIA WINCHESTER, SUPERNATURAL:

— (Yes, I know Winchester sister OCs are overdone, I don’t even care.)

— Technically her first name is Olivia, but she doesn’t like it and prefers to go exclusively by Via.

— Sam and Dean’s half-sister, fifteen years old in the first season, who was born out of a three-night stand between John and her mother.

— John didn’t stick around, obviously, but he kept tabs on Via and her mother and when the woman was killed in a car accident shortly after Sam left for collage, he came and got her and started training her to be a hunter.

— Immediately loves her two older brothers and is fiercely loyal to and protective of them, but shares a closer bond with Dean since she’s spent more time with him.

— Doesn’t like John at all, however, both for essentially abandoning her and her mother and for trying to turn all his children into hunters rather than letting them have normal childhoods, which is a point of contention between her and Dean.

— Despite her anger towards John forcing his kids into early training, she loves being a hunter and has a particular affinity for taking down vampires.

— A badass baby lesbian (who not only knows Dean is bi WAY before they even meet Cas but takes one look at Sam the first time they meet and is like, “Well, this one’s not straight either”).

— Might not have a love interest, or I might make another OC to give her a girlfriend, I haven’t decided yet (I’ll probably wait until I get a little further into the series).

Alright, that’s it for my more immediately upcoming OCs!! Again, feel free to ask me any questions you want about my newest babies!!

Tagging some of my OC community besties: @dancingsunflowers-ocs, @luucypevensie, @carmens-garden, @endless-oc-creations.

[vertiny]

SARAH'S RIN-SOCIATION ♡

happy birthday rin ( @dinoes ) !!! i hope today is a wonderful day for you bc you deserve nothing less 🫶🥰 ik we haven't talked much yet but you've been nothing but welcoming and sweet, constantly making me (almost) cry-- in a good way FKDJSJ you're so kind to little ol' me and that means a lot 🥹 you remind me of warm fairy lights in the way i instantly feel peaceful and relaxed around you 🩵💖 can't wait to see what 2024 brings you, and i can only hope i'm around to see it all. ilysm you deserve the most 🫶💛💖🩵

under the cut is a little bday ramble + an explanation for why these idols are associated 🫶

wooyoung - well . the biggest reason for this one is ofc @/wouyoung but other than that ! he's such a warm, goofy and loving person, just like you !! he gives off the vibes of someone who has the ability to make you feel at ease instantly and you are the same !! i know i've told you that i'm someone who is always an admirer from afar bc Shy™, but i really felt like the second we started talking that any nerves i had went out the window immediately bc you were (and still are heh) so kind and open and you're always engaging with me and my thoughts and you don't mind my (sometimes nervous) ramblings

dongheon - now look, i can't exactly explain this one KSJDG but for some reason when i think of who i associate with you, heoni is like . right up there? both of you are really happy people, always ready to be silly seconds after some serious moments and it's a really nice ability to have within your personality. dongheon might not be a bias you have out of the vrvr boys, but he's a rin dude in my head 🤭 (+ your octopus comment reminded me of heoni being the same<3)

jongho - putting him in my pocket alongside you so you'll have company in there 🥰💖 that brief time you had your url changed to jongsan too really cemented them into my head as rin dudes too (and bc he's obvi a bias !)

yongseung - bc he's in your carrd !! and he's a funky lil dude, and from the bits i know of you and have seen on your blog / on the dash, it's no question that yongs would be a bias, at least for me. he's like dongheon in the sense of "this is a rin dude" without having a proper explination? plus imo all hwanwoong biasers are bound to bias yongseung too<3 KJSDGH idk it makes sense, they're debut besties in the way vrvr and oneus debuted the same day AND in the way that hwanwoong and yongseung are friends too !! (took them forever to get each other's numbers bc vrvr only had emails but SDJFGHK)

san - i would like to give him a hug and so like . a BIG hug to you too 🥺 + there's always ppl out there saying that san is intimidating and before i got to talking to you, in my head, you were kinda the same bc it felt like you were such a big presence, y'know? and while, to me, you still have that big presence, the "intimidation" has more moved to "i've just befriended this giant puppy dog who's the most affectionate"? if that makes any sense AT ALL LMAO i don't blame you if none of my sentences make sense to you

hwanwoong - he's just a little dude. lmao jk i kid (or do i?) but he's got such a fierce determination and such a strong power behind himself and idk i get the same feeling from you and that makes me smile. plus your hwanwoong url too LMAO

tbh all of these guys could have a "they're so nice and warm and kind and welcoming and i love them a lot just like you" attached to them and it'd be 100% true !!! so i'm sorry about some of them being longer than the others 😭 anyways, again happy birthday beloved ! i hope today was / is a good one bc you deserve it 🥰🥺💗💛

[hurtmionedanger]

Hey bestie don't be shy

top 5 favorite podcast characters and why

YOU EXPECT ME TO PICK???? PICK BETWEEN MY BELOVED GUYS???????

I am going to try to diversify beyond the magnus archives, mostly because dbd has had me in a death choke recently

With that being said, in no particular order

1. The Obituary writer from Death by Dying

Hes such an icon, normal guy and yet so so so very weird, his best friend is the angel of death, his other best friend is in his freezer and her still beating heart is on his desk, everyone thinks he’s going to kill someone one of these days based on looks alone, he has a questionable taste in fashion, hes bisexual, he has three man eating cats, he solves murders just like as a hobby, he is the most sopping wet pathetic wet cat of a man you could ever hope to meet, he is silly, what more could you possibly want from a man?

2. Jonathan Jarchivist, see prior post about this man he is so ridiculous, mf ACCIDENTALLY STARTED THE APOCALYPSE, He has been kidnapped more then princess peach, he is the eyes special little boy, hes ASEXUAL LIKE ME FRFR, he has a boyfriend who loves him very much, he likes good cows, hot singles in his area want to hunt him for sport, hes the saddest little meow meow there could possibly be.

3. Timothy stoker, managed to convey he was wearing a hawaiian shirt by voice alone, also THIS MAN IS THE ARCHIVES BRAINCELL, THE SLUTTY BISEXUAL IS THE BRAINCELL HERE WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT THE ARCHIVES, BECAUSE SASHA VERY MUCH IS NOT THE BRAINCELL SHE FOLLOWED A DEFINITELY NOT HUMAN GUY TO A RANDOM GRAVEYARD WITH VERY LITTLE FOLLOW UP AS TO WHY SHE NEEDED TO GO, AND JON DOESNT HAVE IT FOR PREVIOUSLY STATED REASONS, AND MARTIN IS MARTIN, MEANING TIM IS THE ONLY BRAINCELL HERE. Also as my boyfriend can attest, i have a thing for angry men in hawaiian shirts, i think theyre hot

4. Not technically a Guy persay, but the beloved michael distortion for having a sick ass voice and an even sicker statement, shows up and just stabs the archivist just because he can, he is literally the embodiment of gaslighting gatekeeping and girlbossing and his design is very cool really regardless of how people draw him but ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY DRAW HIM WITH LIKE SUPER DISTORTED JOINTS AND MULTIPLE FACES AND SHIT LIKE MMMMMMMMM, he gets bonus points for having excellent hair and not being a who but a what

Number five hhhh how do i pick between all of my beloved podcast guys, leaving out martin because i already screamed about Why i love Martin Knife Blackwood Already

5. Georgie Barker I think has to go here, maybe alongside helen and Melanie, i love them all for very different reasons but they are just such girlbosses, georgie just doesn’t feel fear, had an existential crisis so hard her brain stopped processing it, she is the girl ever, also shes jons ex, automatically getting her more points, she had a skin clown break into her apartment and fuck with her lights and the only reason she was upset was because it meant she had to replace all her lightbulbs, Also georgie has a podcast where she talks about ghosts, which is really funny to me, and i would absolutely listen to her podcast

Honorable mentions:

Helen for season 5 shenanigans of showing up whenever JMart were fighting because she wanted the Tea

Gerry Keay for his defining trait mentioned by every single statement giver who saw him being “Really shittily dyed hair” like imagine that being your legacy

[eclipsecrowned]

For any of the deen dee ocs in any combination: // anonymous

due to the number of prompts (which i love, not going too bonkers but still giving e a wide array to work with) i'm putting the questions themselves under a cut and answering each with a muse chosen by a random generator. page stretcher under this readmore, consider checking it out on my blog.

What plot points would change due to the inclusion of your character in canon?

None, she's ostensibly a trophy in Orin's bedroom :)

Realistically, though? If there was another prisoner in the Goblin Camp, a beautiful and feral woman wrapped in several lengths of chain waiting to be uncovered by the party? I mean, you have a genuine Evil companion even in a Spare the Grove route, the Lady MacBeth and fierce angel of death in one at your Tav's ear. She unsettles. Other Companions probably aren't too fond of her. Maybe unimportant NPCs start dropping after long rests -- or maybe Miruna paces the camp at night, praying to deaf gods for the patience the player shows her. Perhaps a final battle plays out differently, with two Chosen against the player, vying together for dominance of the Brain, or perhaps she is only staring in shock at the body of a former beloved, then looking to the player wordlessly, begging with her eyes that they not leave her as this man did.

The player having the chance to mold Miruna. For acceptance or rejection of her to change the shape the narrative takes, especially into Act 3. The player has multiple ways to interact with her that will shape her ultimate fate, whether with disdain for her Urges, support for her redemption, or agreeing with her stance that 'I am not evil, but the demands made of me are.' Does the player believe in second chances, or is there a point their tolerance of her runs out -- after a particular scripted death, after the reveal of her history, in a Temple where she is killed to stifle her dark father's influence on the world, or in the end, where the player can no more ignore what she is or the damage her choices have wrought?

What changes do you think would be made between your muse as they exist in your head vs how they would be treated as part of canon?

I mean. Canon for 3 already soundly nuked my PC's narrative from orbit. His wife was ousted from the party and her character butchered in the aftermath, his post-game adventures were routed by the canon GW settling down in the Gate, Ismail just cannot catch a break. And to top it all off, the novels keep trying to make him some basic white boy named Adrian or something? Wild.

Jokes aside, if Ismail was treated as the canon GW/Bh**lspawn, I think canon would definitely whitewash him -- but not in the traditional sense. I think his being a True Neutral who only really makes a stand in the face of great evil (such as his father) and otherwise believes in balance would be a little too spicy for the era of game he existed in. He'd get a nice new paint job over his morality to be an In Name Only Neutral. He'd also likely get mischaracterized from the straight man of the party off of which his Companions can shine to a willing buffoon alongside his sequel besties Haer'Dalis and Jan.

Knowing Bioware in that era, he's a white guy, too.

God help me I fear what his romance with Vi would be made into. From a genuine respect and sympathy to 'I Can Fix Her' bait or a young guy who got caught in the talons of an sexy sexy but oh so evil seductress. Comments by returning companions in 3 that his son was the only good to come out of that union or something equally insulting to the Ismonia dynamic.

What would their haters dislike about your character? Is it a petty complaint? A mischaracterization of the character or their intentions? Are they just a woman in a largely male-centric series?

Gruff, not conventionally attractive, not romanceable by the majority of players' (cis dudes) Tavs... Aurelia'd get the Astarion treatment where people probably need to sit down with haters of a certain degree and go 'no put in words to me what about this character makes you uncomfortable, show me on the doll what aspects of her character are so viscerally repugnant to you.'

People could be petty, racist, misogynistic, and lesbophobic in a single swoop. Instead of someone with flat affect who is clearly teasing half the time, she'd be taken for a stone cold bitch who is needlessly cruel to companions. Everything she does is the worst. She's a cheap Lae clone. Her pragmatism is evil rather than practical. Her neutrality is evil, actually. Fandom has already proven that a canonical Druid talking about the element he works with is so annoying and cringe and they're aiming that at a white dude. Aurelia would get it worse for talking about nature. The thing she also protects as a Ranger. Her habit of slapping nicknames on her Companions? How disrespectful. Also her hitting on Lae'zel/Karlach/Shadowheart/the PC is clearly predatory and uncalled for. She's literally as bad as Cazador for being open about her attraction/appreciation for women. Also her being half-Gur is just crudely shoehorned in and for fake woke points.

She was also totally the last character developed and it shows in her writing. Clearly just there to meet a quota. She's just so annoying. Ignore that if she were canon she would definitely not be a last minute addition and have a clear arc/narrative to accomplish in addition to helping the PC beat a brain into submission.

What controversies/drama would your character incite in fandom?

I have briefly touched on this before, but unless someone was playing teen Tav or followed the HC that Lae'zel is also incredibly young, Sybelle is the youngest member of party at a stated 20. No problem, right? She's a professional in her field and by the standard of her society and race is a grown adult. Any greenness is actually the result of being a reclusive academic for her entire coming of age, not of any inborn immaturity/innocence/childishness related to her age, and damn sure not as a result of her autism.

Good luck convincing fandom of any of that, however.

She's 20. If you ship her with any character beyond Wyll (canonically ~24) or Lae'zel (fanon early twenties) then why do you support grooming/exploitation of children? Shipping her with Gale/Shadowheart/Karlach is right out unless you want the discourse of all discourse -- and forget about shipping her with Halsin, Astarion, the Emperor, or any character with an extended lifespan and centuries of life experience. And sure, people are allowed to be uncomfortable with age gaps, or to not want to see certain characters shipped for any reason. But there'd be a lot of unnecessary moralizing around someone, say, preferring to see Gale and Sybelle's dynamic as mentor/mentee or father figure/heartwarming orphan. It's not just that someone doesn't like the ship when romantic or is discomforted by a different read, it's that the ship is predatory and only backed by degenerates.

Also she's autistic, so she's so babygirl and a sweet bean and if you even think of 'sexualizing' her by acknowledging she is a grown adult who is capable of feeling sexual or romantic attraction, then you're some kind of pervert. I mean, she's never been out in the world before! What a wholesome innocent baby. Not a single sinful thought behind those big baby cow brown eyes. There's not a chance she's actually interested in living life rather than reading it and making a double entendre at the player about anatomical studies -- No, wait, go back, delete that footage, you can't sexualize an autistic child of 20, the devs are perverts too --

Also she's of Shou descent, so any attempt to depict her as an attractive young woman is fetishizing her. I'm too white to get into this except to say I have seen some friends on the dash grump about how my peers in fandom like to gatekeep how characters of color can be portrayed even by those of shared background. And I just know Sybelle is not getting out of that hellhole unscathed.

Are there ship wars? Are they a popular character to ship, or the kind of character that gets shuffled off and away from shipping for whatever reason?

I can see the many branching paths off of this. Roxelena is a big tiddied bard who is both poor little rich girl and desperately seeking purpose. She's so latchable for Power Fantasy Self-Insert types to push their fav they're projecting on towards -- imagine the edgiest straight guy trying to write fic where Lena is the standard hero reward to a wildly OOC Percy or Artemis type.

On the other hand, she's a big beautiful woman so she's automatically a fat slag to most. There's definitely a contingent of fandom who oh my god just didn't realize that they didn't write Lena into their shipfics, or into any fic at all! It's totally not fatphobia gaiz! She's just such a girlboss that doesn't need a disgusting man! Ignore the fact she's pretty open and available sexually and easily distracted by men's asses!

On my mutant third appendage, the back and forth about her sexuality. To wit, Lena is bi, and was initially designed as a ship oc for a genderfluid PC in a certain piece of media. But she attended an all-female bard college where she remains infamous for her... plucking techniques, shall we say. She's also not conventionally attractive, so she must be a lesbian. But wait, what about her being bi? Well, she's not actually attracted to women, because she flirts with a character who is masculine -- even if more in the way a peacock is masculine. She's straight. But what about her being bi? This point can no longer be heard over the screaming match between the other two.

In like actual real life Lena 'fandom' I think Pupper is aiming for her to be part of a Half-Orc/Tiefling sandwich, while I paid him actual legitimate money to draw the other party Tief touching her boobs. Vote now for Team Mollena or Team Fjorlester.

How does fandom characterize/mischaracterize your characters ship in fanworks?

So here's the thing. Unless the party -- be that in tabletop play, as a Companion in 3, or played in a podcast -- were to go to Evertide for some reason, Mystery's canonical partner will never be seen. She's not a ghost in the narrative, dialogue allows Myst to talk about her and their daughter and get a sense of her history with him, but she's never present in it, either.

Canon would likely state she's a human, she and Myst arrived as outsiders to the city around the same time, and he gave her a post at his shop to get her out of a life scrubbing chamberpots. They've been together for over a decade now and have a daughter to show for it. He's out in the world trying to find whoever tried to hurt her in an attempt to rob the shop several years ago. There's a bit of an age gap between them, but he'll note that their experiences measure up when tallied.

This would give fandom a lot of ground to play with or ruin. Is she a former Adventurer herself? A farm-girl come to the city to make her fortune? A traveler who fell on hard times? How does this reflect on her dynamic with the worldly and charismatic Myst? Is the age gap significant and shift the perspective of the ship as equal, no matter what Myst says, or is it negligible and Myst is only being self-conscious about his own mid-life crisis? Does the fact he was once her employer change the power dynamic inherent to their interactions, and does it become better or worse depending on where the age gap falls? Does his refusal to marry her or recognize her as anything beyond 'partner' denote a mutual doffing of convention, or hint at a deeper hesitance to commit or even a questioning of the relationship, and if so, is he the one resisting, or her?

The gamut runs from 'old married in every way but ceremony couple who tease/fuss but are clearly devoted to one another' to 'wife guy myst and his sweet younger housewifey' to 'myst is a bad bofriend actually and his partner is a victim of that power imbalance' to 'they're actually qpp life partners and just happen to share a kid.'

Be honest. What song is playing over an AMV/tiktok of scenes between your character and their love interest?

I spun three times and landed on Lena each time. God Himself is trying to get me to shame myself on a public platform. Fuck it. Mollena hours.

Angstier ones that acknowledge canon/his fate probably go feral for Francesca. The themes of loving despite the imminent heartbreak, the determination of love in every life, the attestation that love was worth any pain, it'd all play wonderfully over animatics or beautifully edited fanart compilations of Lena not just with Molly but his... Other halves, as it were.

Her being a bard, I can see bardcore covers being popular for both of them. I keep thinking specifically of that one cover of Willow. The idea he's this enigmatic force of nature that dragged her out of her sheltered existence and gave her a taste of chaos and adventure. I beg of thee please, take my hand, foil my plans, thou'rt my man...