#He didn't realize those kinds of feelings had NAMES and FLAGS and stuff

[missvelvetsstuff]

The Wrong One

Steve Rogers x Reader, Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: reader meets Steve while he's on the run and sticks with him through everything. Until he sees Peggy Carter again.

8. The Storm pt 1

Warnings: swearing, angst, pregnancy stuff, lite smut- fingering and dirty talk

When Y/N officially entered her 7th month she was exhausted and had a hard time finding clothes she can afford that fit comfortably. Even when she found pants that fit around her belly, they were too short and tall sizes were too expensive.

After grumbling about it to Pepper Y/N had to get off of the phone and find something to eat.

She realized how spoiled Bucky had her when prep time was a primary factor in deciding what to eat. She sighed and grabbed a yogurt. The baby, her little girl, was so big that she couldn't eat much food at one sitting.

The doorbell rang, she checked the app on her phone for the doorbell camera and saw it was a delivery. She opened the door and the delivery men wheeled a full rack of clothes, dresses and blouses, plus 2 large boxes with the name of a high end maternity boutique that specialized in tall sizes.

She shook her head, only one person could have done this. She picked up her phone when it picked up "Pepper. What did you do?"

Pepper laughed "Since you're calling me I'm pretty sure you know what I did. You need clothes that fit and are comfortable. Plus, I can afford it and I want to help."

Y/N felt her throat tighten "You didn't need to. I mean, thank you but it's really too much. I'll probably have this kid before I get a chance to wear most of it."

"Advice to a first time mom. Hold on to the clothes, it'll take a bit for your belly to go down after she's born and maternity clothes are more comfortable. At least they were for me."

Y/N felt tears welling up in her eyes, thanked Pepper again then quickly hung up before she started bawling.

While she was going through the clothes her doorbell rang again but this time it was expected because Bucky had just returned from Europe, helping Sam deal with the Flag Smashers, and was bringing her lunch.

She tried to hug him but had to settle on a sideways half hug and a kiss on the cheek, because her belly was always in the way.

Bucky laughed when he felt the baby kicking against his hand "There's my little girl." He leaned down to her bump "You bein a good girl for mama? Letting her sleep?"

Y/N laughed "No she doesn't. She likes to practice her kick boxing on my bladder but only late at night. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get a good nights sleep again."

He took her hand "Don't worry doll. Won't be long before you have that little one in your arms."

She felt a spark at his touch and inhaled sharply, these hormones were making her crazy- happy, sad, horny. But she was scared, after Steve she didn't know how to trust someone again. Bucky had been such a good friend, she didn't know how She would have made it through all this without him. She didn't think he returned her feelings, besides being his friend's ex She had a baby coming. She was sure Bucky wouldn't want that kind of responsibility right now.

She shook it off and turned to set the table.

Bucky did feel it but didn't want to pressure her or add more drama for her to deal with.

They sat down to eat before he commented "So is this like one of those pop up deals?" Gesturing at the living room where almost every surface had clothing laid out over it.

She giggled "No, I was complaining to Pepper about the difficulty finding maternity clothes for tall sizes and a couple of hours later this showed up at my door. I was just going through it all and tried on a couple of things."

She shrugged "there are even a couple of cocktail dresses in there that I doubt I'll ever need, my life is nowhere near as exciting or glamorous as Peppers."

Bucky looked at her confused "Didn't Pepper tell you? I was going to see if you wanted to go with me."

"Go with you to what?"

Bucky tensed "There's a fundraising gala for a veterans charity that Sam and I started, this weekend. I don't like going to events with crowds but veterans were neglected before the Blip. Now with countries trying to deal with all the people that came back, veterans are worse off. I figure if I can help I should. Pepper is involved as well and we thought you might want to come."

He smiled at her.

She shook her head "I don't know Bucky, I'm really nervous about going out ever since Steve disappeared."

"I know doll but you can't let him control you. Sam will be there and I, I mean, we, we wouldn't let anything happen to you. There are expected to be a lot of big names so security will be tight.

I'll always take care of my best girls."

She felt her face heat up, just like every other time he used his little endearments. She wasn't even sure he realized he was doing it.

"I don't know, that kind of stress isn't good for the baby."

Bucky pulled her close "I know you're scared doll, I'm just worried about you, you've become kind of a hermit. I promise I won't leave your side all night." He kissed her forehead "Why don't you try on one of those fancy dresses, maybe seeing yourself in it will inspire."

She groaned "I'll look like a huge pregnant woman with a fancy bolt of fabric draped over me." She pulled one of the dresses off the rack "I mean really, look at this thing" held the dress up for him to look at.

Bucky shrugged "Hard to tell anything until you put it on."

She shook her head "I'm not modeling for you right now but I guess I'll go to your dumb party. I'm not staying all night, just a couple of hours and if Steve shows up I'm out."

Bucky sighed "It'll be fun, trust me."

"Ok, I said I would go."

Bucky was quiet for awhile but couldn't help himself "How are you feeling? Are you having those higgs boson contractions?"

She laughed "It's Braxton hicks contractions. Higgs boson is the God particle, silly."

Bucky blushed "Hey, I was close. Anyhow are you? Having them I mean."

She smiled at him "Yes, a lot. Helen said they would be picking up. She also told me what is normal and what I need to get to the hospital for. I'm fine right now. Except for this little girl beating me up from the inside out."

Bucky looked at her hopefully "Is she moving now? Can I feel?"

She nodded and released a tiny moan when Bucky started rubbing her belly. She felt his touch deep inside her and tried to keep control. She was so damn horny all the time and her toys weren't helping.

Bucky heard that little moan and tensed a bit. He could smell her arousal and couldn't think of much else besides finding out if she tasted as good as she smelled.

His hand rubbed lower until he was massaging the bottom of her belly and her hips bucked up a little.

He looked in her eyes "Are you ok? Is this too much? Please tell me how to make you feel better."

She relaxed into the couch and let her legs fall open "Please Bucky. I'm going crazy." She gasped as his hand moved lower, past the band of her pants, the skin on skin causing goose bumps and chills.

She could feel her panties soaking and whined "Need you Buck!"

Bucky groaned "I want you too baby but are you sure? I don't want you to regret-"

She shook her head "No, no regret. Please touch me."

Bucky moved his hand down until he felt her slit, swollen, wet and leaking. He groaned "Fuck doll, so wet."

He slid one finger inside her and she moaned "Oh god, Bucky!"

His thumb made small circles on her clit as he added a second finger to slowly pump in and out of her drenched pussy. He felt her clenching his fingers and heard the squelch as he touched her.

Y/N stiffened up and felt everything explode as she drenched Bucky's hand. When he felt her squirt, Bucky came in his pants like a teenager.

He held her as she came down and moaned while he sucked her slick off of his fingers "Jesus you taste good. Are you alright doll? Was that ok? I didn't want to overstep but you seemed to need it."

She looked at him, still a little dazed "That was you know just wow." Then looked down "Does this mean..."

He kissed her softly "It means I want you." He whispered "It means I love you and want to be with you but I don't want to push you. I just wanted to make you feel good."

She smiled "Mission accomplished. But what about you?"

Bucky blushed "I'm fine doll."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The day of the gala Pepper took Y/N to have her hair and nails done after a pregnancy massage. They chatted and drank sparkling cider like they had been friends forever. When it was time to go they went in a limo to meet Bucky at the Tower.

Bucky paced at the entrance, waiting for Y/N to arrive. He had always had a crush on her but Steve was there so he tried to push the feelings down. When Steve told him he was leaving to go back to Peggy, Bucky didn't understand how he could just leave Y/N behind. He had hoped to be there for her and missed her when she disappeared.

The day they ran into each other at the ice cream parlor he had been so happy to see her again, even though her pregnancy was a shock, and promised both of them he would be there for her. He knew she deserved better than him but wanted to be the one to take care of her.

Bucky stopped short when he saw Pepper step out of a stretch SUV. He strode over to greet her with a quick hug then turned to the car to see Y/N looking at him thoughtfully. He reached his hand out to help her.

She took his hand and stood slowly. Bucky watched, breathless as she stood, almost as tall as him "beautiful" he whispered.

Y/N looked like a vision to him.

She was wearing a chiffon, off the shoulder, a line, powder blue dress that gave her bump space and highlighted her pregnancy breasts. Light make-up and soft, casual hair, flat sandals.

Bucky was practically drooling and couldn't find words as he stared at her.

Y/N squeezed his hand "Bucky? You ok?"

Bucky was pulled from some totally inappropriate fantasy involving her perfectly displayed breasts and quickly looked up at her eyes, blushing.

"Sorry doll, you're just, you are a uh damn" he trailed off then shook his head. "You look beautiful." He offered his arm with a twinkle in his eye "Alright m'lady, let's have some fun."

Y/N took his arm and they went inside. She looked around like a tourist at the beautiful decorations, the famous people and their designer clothes. Rhodey came to greet them and they chatted for a bit with him and Sam.

They were approached by Nick Fury who surprised Y/N because he knew exactly who she was.

After an hour with no incidents Y/N started to relax and enjoy herself a little. She met a couple of her favorite actors and did a little fangirling over her favorite singer, someone she never thought she would get to meet.

She was touched by how Bucky interacted with the older veterans, more relaxed than when he spoke to the important donors that he had to get along with.

They had just sat down at their table when a woman stepped up to the microphone on the stage and the band stilled.

She went into a big thank you to all the attendees and donors who helped the veterans fund. She went on for a bit and Y/N zoned out, holding Bucky's hand and sipping on her juice until she heard "and especially thanks to our very special guest, the first Captain America Steve Rogers!!"

Y/N looked up and saw Steve on the stage. Young again and wearing a well fitted tuxedo. Then she looked to Bucky who was squeezing her hand.

He looked at her, concerned "Are you alright doll? We can leave whenever you want. Don't worry, I won't let him hurt you anymore."

They got up to leave before Steve left the stage but the crowd was difficult to get thru and before they made it to the door, he was suddenly in front of them with a nasty grin

"Well look what we have here, the whore and the bastard who stole her. You kids can't leave yet, we have a lot to talk about."

Chapter 9

[izzysillyhandsy]

Re: The Deathbed Conversation

Assuming for a moment that Izzy was completely honest and meant what he said (and it wasn't more like a last service to Ed, telling him what he needed to move on) - and assuming Izzy was 100% objectively correct and not shouldering all the blame out of misguided guilt, and what he told Ed happened, exactly as he told him.

Then what exactly did happen in those 20-30 years of Ed&Izzy?

Blackbeard… it was us. You, me.

Ok, but when did it start? Did Izzy and Ed meet as young men, did they create Blackbeard together (as in coming up with the name, the aesthetic, flag design, the silly little spikes on the ship, etc)? Did both of them agree that this scary, inhuman monster could be their safe space, their ticket to survival?

Or did Izzy join in later, when Blackbeard was already established ("When you made me first mate...")? Did Izzy kill the former first mate?

How much of Blackbeard is Izzy? How much came from Ed? Was Ed in any way forced into this? Was Izzy in any way forced into this?

I fed your darkness… Blackbeard.

Great, but how? What kind of power did Izzy have over Ed? In the show, very little it seems - at least as long as Ed is certain that Izzy'll always be there (he seems very afraid of Izzy leaving, at least when he's not distracted by Stede).

The only time Izzy seems to have any influence on Ed in S1 is in Ep8, when he is (kinda) feeding his darkness with Ed being at his most vulnerable. I really don't believe for a second that Ed was actually threatened by Izzy - as in "Izzy physically harming or killing him". At most, it was a threat of abandonment or withdrawal of affection/love.

Is that what it was? Was Ed so alone, did he feel so unloveable that Izzy was the only constant/love in his life? And did Izzy threaten to leave/withdraw that love if Ed didn't "perform", at least in public?

But then we have the retirement plan - and Izzy going along with it so easily... and the way they interact which seems so familiar and playful. I just don't feel "forced companionship". I feel long, complicated marriage. And Izzy's undying loyality.

Was Ed really so insecure and unstable that a few well-chosen insults could tip him into darkness - over and over and over? For decades? From Izzy??? With the way Izzy looks at Ed, does everything he asks, obviously adores him?

What did Izzy say to him, every time, for all these years???

For years, I egged him on, even though I knew you'd outgrown him, but the truth is… I needed him.

Ok, Izzy knew that Ed had outgrown Blackbeard. But that implies that for some time (probably years and years) Ed hadn't outgrown him yet. At the beginning, and for some time, Blackbeard seems to have been at least somewhat useful for Ed and Izzy (both of them are respected, relatively wealthy and alive).

But what does "outgrown" mean?

Wasn't it just Ed getting bored (and depressed) after years of the same old stuff? Or was it traumatic for him to be forced into this violent persona over and over again, and he was finally ready to be just Ed and feel secure in that?

But do we really think Ed went into a different mental state every time Izzy "egged him on"? That his whole personality changed every time they raided a ship (and Blackbeard didn't even kill anyone)? Is this supposed to be a Jekyll/Hyde situation?

Ed himself says that his biggest problem is that all the fun and adventure have gone - he doesn't even have to be on the boat.

How does that fit in with "feeding the darkness" and "egging him on"?

I understand Izzy needing Blackbeard (as in their shared fuckery, not "Blackbeard" as a separate person to Ed - "you and me" is unambiguous) and everyone else staying a step back. I also understand that Izzy wanted to keep Ed to himself in a way. In the end, Izzy (rightly) realized that that wasn't fair to Ed.

But are we meant to assume that Izzy wouldn't want the "real Ed"? Or that Izzy is insecure himself - as long as there's Blackbeard, Ed needs him. Without Blackbeard, does Izzy think that Ed will inevitably see how boring and useless Izzy is and leave him?

What's going on with these two? (a co-dependant relationship where both are bringing out the worst in the other at times. But that's not what Izzy said)

Well, going with Izzy's words as truth, it seems to me that:

for many years, Blackbeard did both of them more good then bad

some years ago though, Ed wanted more/got bored/wanted a softer life/wanted to be "just Ed"

Izzy held onto Blackbeard because he enjoyed being the only one who really knew Ed, and he didn't want to share him (and potentially lose him - which actually happened so he wasn't wrong)

Izzy held onto Blackbeard by feeding Ed's darkness and preventing him from being "a regular dude"

I have no idea how exactly Izzy fed Ed's darkness - by making him feel unloveable and worthless? By sharing in/encouraging violence and making it exciting and an escape from depression?

the only darkness-feeding moment we see in the show that worked (and "better" than expected) was after Stede left, and we can safely assume that normally it didn't escalate like that

I think the threat was Izzy leaving Ed (by withdrawing all affection) and insinuating that if even Izzy doesn't want Ed, noone else will

in that situation that was like pouring oil on fire

before that though, it might have worked in a "us against the world" way

something like "you'll never make it alone in this cruel world, stick to what you know"

like Pop-Pop said - Ed's good at being Blackbeard/violent (and at nothing else)

Does that make sense? I don't know. I tried to make it make sense by writing this but... the big question in all this is still how did Izzy do this for decades (this guy must be really good at darkness-feeding).

Ed as Blackbeard was like a rockstar - was it all just a show, Ed an empty, manipulated shell and Izzy the brains behind the operation?

Or maybe Izzy did lie to Ed to make him feel better, after all.

[kakusu-shipping]

For the pride asks maybe 8 & 11 for Dick Gumshoe & James? :D

I read this one then COMPLETELY forgot it my bad fkgjfkgjkd

Ask from Here

8. What is your f/o’s favorite pride flag, in terms of design, colors, or personal significance?

Gumshoe's is the Bi flag! It's not his, or at least he doesn't think it is? He's still questioning. But it was the first one he saw and learned about! He's pretty new to all this pride stuff, but he likes the colors. Reminds him of Mr. Edgeworth and Phoenix.

James' favorite is the basic Rainbow, because doing Pride make up based on it is the most fun part of pride. Color wise his favorites are Genderqueer and the MLM flag, and for personal significance he'd say Trans or the Twink flag.

11. Does your f/o give you presents on Pride Month? Do you give some to them?

Gumshoe did at first, more so because he didn't really understand the significance of the month, he just knew it was a celebration so he got everyone pride based gifts. It was really sweet though, got everyone's identities right, so his heart was in the right place.

I didn't know gift giving was a thing some people did during Pride Month? So I don't think any of my other F/Os give gifts... Plus I hate gift giving or receiving. Makes me anxious. People who's love language is gift giving are other worldly to me, I hate the entire process.

[kotikaleo]

I had a pretty fucked up dream, but It had sooo many twists and honestly... This should be a film. Tragic fucked up story and really interesting atmosphere.

tw incest, tw death, tw child abuse, tw children death, tw suggestive

If someone thinks that more tw should be added - my anonymous asks are open.

I'm not asking anyone to read this, I'm just documenting it, because it was interesting.

Okay so... It started as car crash. Woman (blond green eyes) crashed her car in a road near the sea (almost everything was happening near the sea, they kinda lived there), and when police and ambulance and others arrived she was claiming that her 5 year old son was missing, that he was sitting sitting in a front seat (without any baby chairs or anything), and no2 he is missing. He had black hair and bright blue eyes. Her and police started to look around.

Now we switch to the boy. He was actually 16 years old, and bear with me, this actually makes sense, and he was guided away from the car by a 45-50 years old chubby man. He was taking a kid through a woods (not so dense, by a shore. It also was semi cold and foggy all day) to the old house, where this woman and the kid actually lived what he was 5. And the man told a story.

Long time ago, this woman had a husband - tall handsome man, black hair, deep blue eyes, like un naturally blue. And they were happy in love and extr. They lived in a house by a shore, he cooked pasta for her, wanted a kid. But then he died. And the woman broke. It took her a long time to get back to normal, and to be honest she never managed that. She wanted a kid, but each of her children (two) had blond hair and green eyes, and she claimed that they are not her's. I don't know where those kids went, but they disappeared not even getting to the age of 1. Until she got a child that looked like her husband. And than it was okay for a few years.

By this part of a story the man and the kid both got to a house. It was separated into two building, both of them tall, two or even three floors, both of the houses were really narrow and on stilts. They both went into the "children's" house. The top room was grey and abounded, all wallpaper torn away, no furniture, just naked room. But the bottom one look like it's been taken care of, even 10 years after the events. It was bright, warm, yellow, with a swing in the middle of the room. Lots of toys, especially soft ones, lots of beads decorating everything around. The man told that it was his daughter's room. It wasn't his house and the girl didn't live here, but it was her guest room and she stayed here 40% of a time and she played with her best friend. The boy. They were kids, barely 5 years old, they liked to make little pictures from beads, braslets and lots of kind of stuff. The man showed them in chronological order and you could clearly see two points of change. One was small, in the middle of colorful pictures made out of beads with unicorns and flowers was one made out of big translucent red beads. Then it goes back to normal, but some of the creations aren't that neat and carefully made, and after a while they all switch to pictures made solely out of red or blue big translucent beads. And the man told that this was made by kid himself and his best friend - the blond girl named Penelope. The colorful ones were made by girl and a boy together, but the one colored were boy's creation. The first red one was made after the swing was installed in a girl's room. It was the first red flag, because mother started to be jealous. Jealous of a five year old kid. She was able to control it for a while, and even realize what she is feeling and why it was wrong but soon she stopped controlling herself and completely lost sanity. She started to confuse her son with her husband, and when the kids were five something happened to a girl. I don't really know, did this woman killed her or what, the man said that Penelope is missing, but to be realistic she is missing for ten years, so she is probably dead. After that boy continued to visit fer friend's room and made beads pictures (the red and blue ones) and after a while him and his mom moved away from this house to a different place. There she convinced him and herself that he is her husband and noone knew about that, because they stayed at home most of the time. And than something clicked in her head and she decided that it will be a great idea to go back home, to eat some pasta like in old times. And then they into a car crash. The old man was just nearby by accident but he saw them, and recognized, he got the boy out of the car and he quickly realized how she brainwashed the boy if he thinks that she is his wife. That's why he took him for a walk and told this old story.

The crash completely messed up woman's head, she somehow remembered that she had a child, that's why she told the police to look after a 5 years old kid, because when he was older she stopped thinking about him as hers son, so he didn't age in her picture of the world. Closer to the end the man left the boy, because if him and woman would meet, it would end up in a fight, where woman would be trying to kill the man (it happened before), so the boy was left alone in an old crumbling house. Soon enough woman and the police came, they somehow convinced the police that it's fine, and the police left.

After that there was a really ugly scene of them having sex (the boy didn't really want to do that, but he had a plan, and he needed to do it) and he put the woman sleeping in the bed, promising her that he will go and make some pasta, went outside and burned the house with her inside. (it was also the "children's" side of house, since the other part was abandoned and didn't even had electricity) He took only a bead picture or a unicorn with him from Penelope's room, everything else burned to the ground.

---------- The end. ----------

I don't really know what happened to them after that, I woke up, I just knew there were a few kids skeletons under the house but I don't know who they belong to. I liked this dream because it was structured and even if from the beginning it didn't have much sense it all had sense in the end, even if the story is grimm and tragic. I feel so sorry for the boy and Penelope. The buy will probably go to a jail or mental hospital after what he went through, and the pure girl didn't do anything wrong, just became a best friend with a wrong person in a wrong time. I think if she would became friends with a boy later, or had different color of the hair, she wouldn't trigger that woman. Or at least kids would've been older and could somehow protect themselves better.

[omiramotakiart]

They say she lives in the woods.

They say she has eyes everywhere, every three, every rock, a pupil tracking each step you take, silent, observing, hiding the second you feel her gaze down your spine.

It's cold, you are near, making your way to the heart of the forest, axe in hand and a prayer to any god who's listening on your lips, she knows, she is waiting.

And you are tracking her.

There's a town on a forgotten part of the south, full of honest people doing their best to survive, or so you've heard, you know the tales of misery and woe that came attached to it, famines and plagues, but as soon as you paid a visit the people who spoke to you couldn't have been more wrong, as green fields of all sorts of crops were blooming in front of you, large amounts of smiling families gave you a warm welcome, yet something wasn't right, as if the sky itself was telling you to run with the big looming clouds blocking all rays of sun and joy, the wind whispering incomprehensible syllables on your ear, the wooden doors and shutters on each old colonial house banging against the wall just pleading you to run.

Yet you decided to stay.

There are no animals around, no wildlife or pets, how strange, you thought, perhaps they are shy, you stay with a kind stranger, an old woman who lives alone and dresses like the embodiment of a last century grandma, your room is old, dusty, the paneling scratched and wallpapers peeling off, the floors creak, cobwebs and dust, your host insist not to get rid of them, as spiders are to be fear and respected, you think it's an eccentricity of her, an odd mannerism or simply a liking for the arachnids, you do your best not to pay attention to them as you organize your luggage and lay down in the metal-framed bed as you think how did you ever get there.

You've heard of the town, some friends gossiping about it, a man came to your city claiming he was from there, that he needed to move out, that something terrible would happen to him if he didn't, that he had to run away to save himself, everyone saw him as a poor, old and delitaring man, one day you found him on the streets, it wasn't late, you manage to spot him breathing heavily on the concrete, pleading for help, among the sea of people you were the only one to reach for him and offer your hand yet the moment you got close it was too late.

His green, pupiless eyes stared at yours, he gasped for air as he grabbed your hand, he left a note on your arm, illegible handwriting except for the name of the town, you still called out for help, yelled at the top of your lungs, they took him away, probably reached out for his family and loved ones, maybe he was buried in here…

All you know is that the note compelled you to pay a visit to the unknown, nameless town, you packed up your things, took your car and here you are, you had no map yet somehow knew the way, as soon as you reached for the paper in your pocket the old man gave you it was gone, lost, must have fallen off or get blown off by the wind. What was the name of the town? How could you forget the place you were in?

The old woman made breakfast, eggs, bacon and an elaborate array of vegetables with a glass of orange juice, the best you have ever had, like ambrosia, she said that she cared not for the eggs or meat, cheap things they got from somewhere else, that all the vegetables and fruit used to make it were special, blessed, she said, you wonder what she meant, blessed produce from blessed soil, a religious thing most likely, regardless you made your way to the town's center and acted like an average tourist documenting your journey with photos and funny captions like everyone else.

The service wasn't good, barely basic, the same slowness you get on bad days and or when thinking about the hours of your childhood you spent downloading files on the family's computer. Still, you manage to make it work, despite seeing a few towers on the surrounding mountains you barely saw any phone or computer, or much technology, a few shops with old school televisions, a few radios, there was electricity, good enough, maybe they are just old fashioned, luckily you haven't met any of the unpleasant experiences that come with it, not that the city was free from those.

All treated you as a local, as if you had been there for decades, and for a moment, you truly felt it was that way.

It was at nightfall when things went down, the moment you realized why the old man had run away and didn't want to get back.

There were many barns, cellars, never seemed out of place, the biggest one was near a windmill, easy to spot, the doors were slightly opened and you saw a faint yellow light and many of the people you met earlier going in there, including your host.

Something told you to walk towards them, to go through the door and join the singing and dancing you could see and hear from afar, and while you have always been the curious type, you never had the gut to follow your instincts, yet now you did, and you weren't going to let that feeling go.

Candles, flags, green, silver embroidery, floral patterns, white paint creating strange symbols on the floor, all clapped and laughed, chanting, on languages a human tongue shouldn't know, all carrying glasses of an amber like liquid, drunk on their bliss, and lowing behold, a god, goddess, a giant, a titan, an ageless tree, ancient, magnificent, divine, moving, breathing, shaped in the form of a woman, thick willow-esque leaves acting as hair, her face serene and with a pinch of melancholy, men, women and children alike cutting her skin made of wood and pouring her sap on their glasses, drinking their blood and welcoming you with a cheerful embrace.

They made you walk, pushed you towards her, towards her gaze, towards her slowly opening golden eyes as the strands of her hair moved towards your forehead and you went blind.

Traitor…

A whisper, cold, dark, needles on your shoulders, your heart skipped a beat, all eyes on you.

Helped a traitor, ally of the traitor.

All whispered in unison as your vision came back and you walked away, smiles turning into a predatory gaze, you felt as if countless of teeth were sinking on your skin, the mother tree rose up, still crouching yet almost reaching the ceiling.

All traitors must pay for their sins, all blasphemies shan't be forgiven.

The town had their hands on you, the same knives directed at your own being, it took all the strength you had to free yourself as you came back to your senses, run, run, all your legs could do, get into your room and grab your stuff, even if your legs are about to give in, even if you are about to pass out, run, run, run, get your keys, open your car as your hands shake and drive, hyperventilate and try to calm yourself down, scream and cry, reckless, get away, pray they didn't follow you, feel the sweat coming down your forehead, the cold hands, the cold feet, plummet down onto your seat as you get trapped in the traffic of a highway and get yourself together.

You didn't die, that's good, that's great, that's nice, but you left something behind, you don't know what it is, perhaps it's not physical, who cares? You don't care, you are getting that back, your dreams are plagued with those eyes, those words, you cannot sleep, you cannot eat, everything that is not their crops feels dull, tasteless, like chewing on cardboard and your body is unable to retain any, you gag each time you take a bite and you realize the only reason you manage to eat other stuff was because of the blessed produce of the land, your health has declined, you brought an axe, you took your car and with your remaining strength you decided to make your way back.

Whatever you lost there, you were going to get back, and if the town was waiting for you, you didn't mind.

[thegoddessofliterature]

A pretty long spoiler-filled reveiw of ACOMAF

-posted this reveiw on my goodreads around June and decided to share it now on Tumblr.

Reread this gem and love it even more than the first time. Of course, reading a good book for the first time is always special and you don't know any of the plot twists and turns. Not knowing what is gonna happen in a story is my favorite thing about reading. Sarah blew me away with her captivating writing style and amazing world building that left wanting more .The is the first book that made me cry and I don't easily cry in books which just proves my love for this book. Rhysand stole my heart. I just love him so much. I know most of you probably didn't like him in the first book but once you read this one you will change your mind. You can thank me later.

Moving on, let's dive straight into spoilers, if you adored this book as much as me. Most just me gushing over our precious bat boi.

Sarah did a great job at fooling me. Just like Feyre, I was blind to the red flags that displayed the unhealthy and toxic relationship between Feylin. Upon my second read, I could clearly see all the signs and read between the lines and kept thinking "why didn't I realize this sooner?''

I really liked the lesson that the author taught us about unhealthy and healthy relationships. You usually don't see the latter in most NA or even YA. And I despise Tamlin. He is everything that I hate in a man,controlling,abusive and anti feminist. I was so pissed at him for lying to Feyre that Rhys killed his family. The tool himself, had murdered Rhys family and I will never forgive him for that

Me to Tamlin “ I hope that burn..”

I could write a whole essay on professing my love for Rhysand but even that wouldn't be enough for me.

I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. He is no 1 on my fictional boyfriends list. No other male character can compare to him.

Just like Feyre, I wasn't expecting him to be the good guy. And, just as she was unaware of falling for him,I was too. I didn't even realize how attached I grew to Rhys until I got a spoiler that he was going to die. I legit got an ache in my heart and felt like crying. That's the beauty of books when a character feels real even they sadly aren't. Thankfully, he survived and if he didn't then I wouldn't have been able to forgive Sarah/

Why do I adore the Highlord of the Night Court?

He is so precious and a major feminist. He is humble and strong ( even when he has been through so much). My heart breaks for him. His story is too emotional for me to read without crying (on my second time reading). Not only did he lose his parents but his sister too. We never got to know how old she was but she was young. We never got to see his mother and baby sister. That makes my heart shatter in a million pieces but as if that wasn't enough, He didn't see his friends for 50 years. He was trapped under the mountain for so long and raped by that bitch and he endured it just to protect his city and family (the inner circle). As if he didn't have enough on his plate, he watched Feyre be taken away from him twice. He watched the girl he loved be in love with another man (his enemy who had killed his parents and sister) and yet he let her be happy (even if she was mate). After all of this torture and pain, he is still so kind and sweet and caring. He still think he isn't enough even though he sacrificed so much. He would rather put himself in torture than let something happen to Feyre or the Inner Circle.

And what I love most about him, is the freedom he gave Feyre. He isn't controlling like most men. He trusts Feyre and believes she can fight for herself but he will be there to protect if she needed him. Of course he cares for but isn't overprotective. Their relationship is so pure and healthy and I love it. I love how humble he is. Being the most Powerful HighLord of all the seven courts, you would expect him to be a rich snob but he is far from that.

I loved how much Feyre grew from that naive girl to a strong and badass woman. I could barely recognize her while rereading Acotar. It felt as there were two seperate girls in the two books. This is one of the best character development I have ever seen. My heart broke for what she went through. I could relate to her about some stuff minus the under the mountain scene (ofc). And I was so happy when she survived her depression and ptsd all because of Rhysand.

And I got so attached to whole inner circle, as if they were my family too. And I love Mor more than Amren because I could relate to her too besides the fact how sweet and strong she was

The whole book was a pure joy to read but my favorite parts were Starfall, The Summer Court and Court of Nightmares.

Starfall: It was such a beautiful celebration. Unlike, the ones in the spring court despite its pretty name. I loved the idea of stars falling down from the sky. Everyone was at their happiest. It was also sad to read knowing this was the first Starfall Rhys had after Amrantha. The fact that she knew how much it meant to him and yet she made him service her without his consent and on purpose. My hatred is like a burning sun. Moving on, I squealed at the moment when Mor and Feyre were talking and then Rhys came up behind them. My heart burst of joy when Feyre heard his voice and turned around. He took her to the balcony for her to experience Starfall at its prettiest. They had their cute moments and it was the moment when they were falling in love but didn't admit it yet to each other. Rhys hadn't laughed like that in ages, pure and a real laugh like Feyre hadn't smiled filled with pure joy ever since she was turned into a fae.

Summer Court: I loved Tarquin too. And I enjoyed the feysand moments at the court. Their constant back and forth banter and flirting. That's where the famous quote " To all the stars who listen and the dreams that are answered came from.

Court of Nightmares: This scene was so sexy and made my cheeks turn a deep shade of red. I loved how Rhys gave Feyre a choice whether she wanted to join him and the play the part or stay at home. It was her own choice that made her say " I wanna do it" and yet Rhys still felt guilty. Even when it wasn't like he forced or anything. He would never do that. I enjoyed them teasing each other. I was captivated by Rhys beauty. I love the real Rhys but I lust for the "evil" Rhys, the mask that he wears to protect his loved ones.

And that ending, I wasn't expecting that. I feel bad for those who had to wait a year or more for the next book esp after that gripping yet lovely cliffhanger. I didn't had to since the whole serious was already out. It was emotional even when Feyre was pretending to be in Rhys control. They work well so together. Rhys understood her plan through that bond and he acted so well. ( he actually deserves an oscar for his great acting of a bad guy). Tears rolled down my cheeks when the bond snapped and Feyre fell down to her knees, screaming in pain. Even Rhys. Sara tricked us but I was so grateful for that. That chapter in Rhys pov (the only chapter) was so precious. I was shook when he declared that Feyre is his Highlady and equal and the bond was never broken. It was just the bargain. And I loved how cunning Feyre. She is so smart and badass. Pretending to be in love with Tamlin (her ex), only to take him down along with his court.

This book brings me pure joy and reading it for the second time gave me a different perspective. I noticed things I didn't before. This time, I knew about Rhy's backstory so it was more emotional than the first time. And I didn't think of this sooner but I have a theory that Jurain knew all along that Rhys wasn't Amrantha's whore but was raped by her (sobs and gets angry). Esp, when he mentioned that he was forced to watch everything that bitch did due to the ring she made out of his eye. And he was the only one who was shocked when Feyre was pretending to hate Rhys. He knew since he screamed "What?'' when she told the king to break the bond.

Damn, this is the longest review I have ever written. No regrets though.

If you have read this far, be sure to follow my goodreads for more reviews. Link in my bio.

[malltales]

Queen of Nothing; A Story of Redemption

(This story is based on real events. The names have been changed to protect the innocent and ridiculous.)

By April of 2020 I broke up with my partner of 5 years, lost my best friend; 13 year old dog, Jasper. All within the context of the global pandemic.

Bike touring was something I've always wanted to do but scared to attempt alone. I managed to talk my old friend, Kevin and his girlfriend, Ava, into a 5 day bike tour from Pittsburgh to Washington, DC on the GAP and C&O trails.

It’s important to know that Kevin and I had been friends for almost a decade, and I had yet to meet Ava in person. Kevin and I had been roommates for several years, on and off. We also suffered a dramatic falling out that resulted in us not speaking for almost 3. I assumed since we reconnected, he had grown.

Day 1: Pittsburgh to Ohiopyle

The first day of the ride was the last day the three of us were together. Kevin and Ava were packed to the gills with panniers and rode fast at the start. I hung back, averaging 11 mph. Ava circled back several times to check in. We talked the whole way and made fast friends.

Kevin stayed far ahead until we reached our lunch stop. After which, he lost steam quickly. He'd only done one long ride to prepare and never ridden with fully loaded panniers. Which is like saying you trained for a 5k and then decided the day of the race to strap a 40 lb bag to your body.

I tried to hang back and ride alongside Kevin for a bit. I offered a draft he could pull from because I was still feeling strong. “Just go ahead.” He said. “I just need to be at my own pace."

Here's the thing, everyone hits a point in a long bike ride where they start to ache and fatigue, especially if you aren’t used to riding for a long time. I was fully expecting some super cranky moments from all of us, including myself, but I was not prepared for it to happen this early.

Ava and I stopped a few times for snacks and to shake the ache out of our hands and butts. We took a detour to spelunk our way through a crumbling, abandoned warehouse, filled with graffiti and paraphernalia of angsty teens’ hideaway. Kevin passed and said nothing. Twice, we found him lying flat on his back in a field, smoking a cigarette, complaining that something hurt and he needed a break. Every time we found him, we stopped, asked if he needed anything, asked if he wanted us to wait and every time he said no. So, we soldiered on. Although Ava and I worried about Kevin, we heeded his words and assumed he just needed to power through and be left alone. AVa and I kept each other motivated and the mood light. We sailed through burnt umber rock formations. Gentle streams coursed through them like veins.

87 miles into our longest day, we reached the town of Ohiopyle. The last glimmer of sunset was fading quickly. Ava and I arrived first. We had a daunting 3 mile, 3,000 ft climb yet to go. Kevin arrived shortly after, hopped off his bike and ran into an ice cream shop. He walked across the street and began whispering to Ava, while I glared at the map. I could tell by the body language he was not happy. Ava started to cry. I called out: "Listen, we are all tired and starving. Whatever it is you guys are debating should wait till we climb this."

Kevin scoffed and walked away. I waited a few minutes and asked Ava how I could help. She was crying and explained he was upset that we "left him behind." He said she "abandoned him.”

I was instantly furious. This rhetoric was painfully familiar. Flashbacks of past arguments flashed through my brain. I did not take deep breaths, I did not pause; I marched over to Kevin. (If you have never seen an adult angrily eat an ice cream cone, I would highly recommend it.) Standing by a river, licking his moose tracks he yelled at me. He tells me that I also abandoned him and left him out of the group that he was "working so hard at keeping together." I laughed, I couldn't help it. I figured if I laughed, Kevin would realize how utterly absurd this was. All I could think of was a hot shower, food and bed. He got angrier. I understood that nothing in this moment would get through to him, so I threw my hands in the air and said "The reality is, you got smoked by two chicks because you didn't train. I'm sorry your ego is bruised. I'm going ahead."

I walked back to Ava, apologized for making things worse and asked her if she preferred to bike with me to the house or stay with Kevin. She opted for the latter and I forged ahead.

It was 8:30pm. The way ahead was pitch black, up an incredibly steep switchback. It was a two lane, country road with no shoulder. I tried my best to stay on the bike, but after half a mile, I gave up. I started walking. My legs could barely take the climb on foot, my calves were cramping, my thighs were shaking. Every time a car whooshed by; I froze against the guard rail. I only had two small lights and was unsure if I could be seen at all. I begged the universe to send someone to offer me a ride. I pleaded with the coyotes howling in the distance not to come nearer. I shrunk at the Trump signs on the rolling, rural properties. After an hour and a half of walking, one foot in front of the other, with a small blinking light on my back. I finally made it to the Aribnb. I immediately hopped in the shower, ready to be greeted with luxurious, warm water. NOPE. Ice cold. I got clean quickly, started the food and cursed the fact that I let Ava carry the whiskey. Kevin and Ava arrived shortly after and we all went to bed without saying much at all.

Day Two: Ohiopyle to Frostburg

The next morning, I woke up energized. The house was quiet and no one was awake. I had time to slip out. A wave of relief ran through me. I began packing my bike, made coffee and realized there was only one bike: Ava’s.

All Kevin’s stuff was gone and so was he. I contemplated my choices: sneak into Ava’s bag, find my extras in her panniers and tip toe out before she woke up OR wait for her. I didn’t know Ava well, but I didn’t feel right leaving my new friend in the mountains alone.

Ava woke up and described the fighting and frustration that ended with Kevin packing his stuff and heading out on his own at 4am. I was well-acquainted with this kind of performance and lacked the fortitude to deal with it. Ava asked if we could ride together. I agreed, with a condition: we would not spend time discussing Kevin.

By the time we stopped for lunch, Kevin had sent scores of texts. Ava read them to me. I lifted the embargo for lunch because I knew she was feeling anxious. The tone of Kevin’s texts were hostile and accusatory. Ava listed things she could have done differently. I assured her she did nothing wrong. We cried. I shared my experiences from the past few years, which were mirroring hers. After leaving this kind of maltreatment in my past, I would not tolerate it from anyone else.

The 67 mile ride we completed that day was difficult and long. We were slow and sore. The gradual and consistent uphill of the pavement pummeled our strength. In the end, I’m glad Ava and I rode together, even though we started late. She helped me keep a much better pace than I would have on my own. Our pleasant conversation ended abruptly when we arrived in Frostburg. Kevin was texting; demanding to know where we were. He had been there for hours and wanted to check in. The hotel reservation was a tiny room with side by side beds. Ava told me she didn’t have the money to book another room. There was no way I was about to share a room with this dude who left his girlfriend with a literal stranger in the middle of nowhere. So, I bought them their own room. I threw the keys at Kevin on my way out and biked an extra two miles, uphill, to get Epsom salts. It was 9 pm when I finally unloaded everything in my room. I was elated when I got in the shower and felt hot water. I was so tired I could barely think, but I was so happy with my decision. $200 for peace was a small price. I reviewed the day in my head and was proud. When you’re demanding so much of your body, you must ask yourself every step of the way: what do I need right now? Most of the time the answer is simple: food, a break from the saddle, water, a quick stretch. But sometimes it’s hard to parse out which of those comes first. I congratulated myself for surviving the emotional cyclone going on around me. I was asking myself what boundaries I needed to finish this trek and make the most of it. I went to bed that night, again, with the intention of leaving in the morning on my own.

Day 3: Frostburg to Hancock

The following morning, I woke up to a text from Ava that read: “he broke up with me.”

On a bench, in the cold, we drank coffee and between sobs, she filled me in. He left early in the morning without a word. With 71 miles in front of us, I was nervous. Ava was exhausted. She could barely string a sentence together. I offered to pay for another night at the hotel for her to rest until she figured something out. She said: “I feel like I have to get to Hancock tonight to work things out. If I don’t, that will be the end of us.”

I was heartbroken, but I knew this feeling too well. When the misery you know seems better than the unknown. I saw myself reflected in Ava’s tear streaked face. I sat exactly where she was 3 years ago. I knew the terror. I wanted to tell her everything I knew from the other side, but I knew she couldn’t hear it. So, I nodded my head and said we needed to get on the road.

We left behind the mostly paved GAP trail and continued on the dirt C&O. It was gorgeous. Ava helped me let out air from my tires for the new terrain and gave me pointers for dirt riding. I was grateful for her presence, but I knew her head was spinning. It was not as grueling as the previous day, but we were both dragging. We made a lot of stops to rest. 50 miles in we realized we missed the town we had planned to stop for lunch. We were running out of fuel to pedal. We ended up at a trailer-turned biker-bar, covered in Trump flags. It was our only option. Biker dudes on the porch were laughing and pointing. Calling us “monkey masks.” Inside was a totally different story. Everyone was friendly. We ate and drank and left remarkably unscathed. We only endured a few rape jokes from drunk townies on our way out.

The last 20 miles were brutal. I was struggling to stay in the seat. It was dark and my light ran out of battery. We put our phone flashlights on and stuffed them into our bras to light the way. Deer skittered across the path a few feet in front of us and we leapt every time. Ava told me Kevin got them their own room and I sighed with relief. She asked how we would approach the following day. I told her she didn’t need to worry. They would go their way and I would go mine.

Inside my comfy, roadside motel room I was faced with yet another challenge. The three of us were supposed to end our ride in DC and train to Baltimore where I would stay with Kevin and Ava for two days. This, obviously, was not going to happen. I quickly had to figure out where I was going to stay, with barely any internet, no motivation and about an hour before I succumbed to sleep. I text Darren, a mutual friend, who lived in DC. I explained I needed a place to crash, even if it was just one night. He agreed and I fell asleep in ten minutes. I had one more hurdle to deal with: find a shop to ship my bike from DC to Chicago. Darren came to my aid again and offered to take my bike apart and ship it from his place.

Day 4: Hancock to Harper’s Ferry

Being on my own felt like pure freedom. I was on pavement for the first 10 miles. It was bliss.

I set off slowly and adopted a new mantra: hustle hard when you can, rest when you can. My legs were tired but knees weren't aching as much and my hands were going numb less.

In Williamsport I found stairs leading down to a long, concrete dam that extended far out into the Potomac. The sides were slanted toward the water. It was the perfect height to dangle sore feet in the cold water. I sat, legs outstretched at the top of the dam. As far as I could see from left to right was water. The Potamac seemed never-ending. This was an expansive feeling to digest with my newly thawed breakfast burrito. I felt sluggish and heavy after my peaceful lunch views. The day before, Ava kept me at a steady pace and I missed her company.

Then came a long stretch of trail that rode along the very edge of the water. I ambled slowly upward then back down. I felt lighter and my ride smoothed up. The trail trickled back into the woods. I clipped my way along loping curves. The Potamac peeked from behind trees just beginning their transformation toward fall colors. I had to talk myself out of stopping every mile for a picture.

Toward the end of this 6 hour day I was rewarded with longer glimpses of the Potomac through the trees. Vignettes of the river were dotted with burning red leaves and outlined in ochre shadows. The large juts of slate erupted from the middle of the rapid, splitting the river. The river deepened and I knew I was close to Harpers Ferry.

I approached a 5 story, winding staircase, directly in front of the sunset, hoisted my bike onto my shoulder and climbed. Huffing and puffing, I nearly doubled over at the top, but the view snapped me out of it. The Shenandoah and Potomac rivers were merging beneath my feet. Civil War ruins dangled on two slate islands to my left. I felt like I was standing in the middle of the world, alone with this gorgeous vista. And I arrived powered by my own two legs.

Pulling off the bridge I pedaled through the cobblestone streets. I was pleasantly surprised that the inn I was staying at was not far and not up a hill. I decided to forgo a shower, change my clothes and head straight over to a restaurant. After a glass of wine and a plate of pierogies, I watched the sun set over the town with the Potomac and Shenandoah rivers roaring beneath it. I felt so thankful; I arrived in time for dinner and a sunset.

Day 5: Harper’s Ferry to Washington, DC; The Final Leg

Alright so here’s where everything gets wrapped up with a neat, little bow, right? Almost.

It was the last day. Only 63 miles; the shortest ride yet. I wanted to savor it. This was the only part that felt like a vacation. I used the heavy fog covering the town as an excuse to walk around and explore.

Harper’s Ferry is the most charming town. Thomas Jefferson described the scene as "worth a voyage across the Atlantic" in his Notes on the State of Virginia. It’s also the mid-point of the Appalachian trail, which I stumbled onto while climbing the steps of a church. I was stunned, breathing in the moment. I thought of everyone who trekked this way before me, when our country was so young.

At about 9am, the fog was rolling out and so was I. I was on top of the world. Nothing hurt, I was cruising at a good speed. I had all the time in the world to get to DC. Darren was going to meet me on the trail at 6pm and ride with me to his place. I was hoping to be done at 4 and happily awaiting his arrival with a beer in my hand. A 10 degree drop in temperature and rain didn’t dampen my mood. I felt free as fuck.

After an hour of solid rain, the sun shone through and warmed everything up. I sloughed off my raincoat and started my Spotify. I was laughing at my luck and singing along with First Aid Kit’s “King of The World.”

And then….POP. Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft.

I skidded to a stop. A giant nail was right through the middle of my tire. Deep breaths. Ok. I can do this.

I sat down on the ruin of a guesthouse by the side of the trail and started working. If you’ve ever changed a brand-new bike tire you will understand what I was up against. It’s not ideal when the rubber is new and unworkable. A white-haired man in a yellow safety vest wandered over to inspect my predicament. He introduced himself as Don. Don was my grandfather’s name. When Trail Don shared that he was also a retired veteran, I thought for sure my grandfather sent him. Don “helped” me get the tube in with a screwdriver and promptly popped it. I only had one tube left. There wasn’t a bike shop for 40 miles.

“I live about 20 minutes down the road and I got all the tools in my garage. I’ll take ya back there and get ya fixed up and back on your way.”

On the road to Don’s house, in the middle of Trump country, my thoughts were racing. When we pulled up, a welcome sight greeted us: a giant rainbow flag and a lawn littered with human rights signs. Ok, I thought, I think I’m in the right place. Relief swept over me. We changed the tire and I met his kind wife, who offered me a sandwich. We loaded up and drove back to the trail. I thanked him profusely and began my last 30 miles.

The day was replaying in my mind and I felt my heart overflowing. This was indeed the culmination of my independence. Even if I did need a little help from friends and a few strangers. I was relishing the solitude, but it was a huge comfort to know there was a friend on the other side of this journey with whom I could share my triumph.

The sun sank slowly in the orange sky over Rock Creek Park. The frogs started chirping as the stars steadily emerged. The clouds unleashed a downpour. I saw a bright headlamp and familiar face coming toward me.

I made it.