#Hawks: Ok you’ve been talking (gushing) about your relationship with your boyfriend for the last half hour. What did you need help with?

[gojifan97]

Hawks stared blankly at his sister, who stared right back.

He’d barely spoken to her…ever. Since discovering her existence, Keigo had mostly avoided her, partly out of orders and partly because it was just so…awkward. One minute he was an only child, the next he had a sister he’d never heard of who’d been more or less trained since birth. He had no idea how to begin unpacking that can of worms.  Sora for her part had done the same, keeping him at a distance.

Until now.

What could be so important for her to approach him? Why did she need to break the silence? A desire to connect with family? A threat looming over the horizon? Or maybe even-

“I need romantic advice.”

Or the worst scenario possible. Worse than a hundred villains coming for them, worse than her assassinating him, worse than getting sent to Tartarus itself! Using his many years of hard training, Hawks hid his reaction behind a casual smile, “Romance huh?”

Much to his despair, his teenage sister nodded. “I like a boy. He’s a close friend and I would like to date him. I tried asking…other sources but they weren’t helpful. So, I came to you.” Her face was neutral, and her tone blank and business-like. However, Hawks’ keen eye noticed the slight twitching of her wings, as well as the tension her shoulders.

She was uncomfortable. And that meant she was serious.  

Oh no.

Publicly, Hawks was known for being confident, personable, even flirty, with paparazzi watching his every move for gossip. But like many things about Hawks, him, looks were deceiving.

Beneath the charm and wit was a man who’s experience with romance resembled something between a dumpster fire and an atomic blast. You had to look hard to find someone with worse taste than him.

 ________________________________________________________

“You were asking me for…romantic advice Izuku?”

“Yes mom. I just wanted to know, HYPOTHETICALLY OF COURSE, what I should do if I like a girl?” 

“I see.” In the words of Mitsuki: FUUUUUUU-

 __________________________________________________________

Yeah, you’d really have to try.

Alright Hawks, relax. You’ve dealt with villains, the HPSC president, Endeavor, and even the media. A sixteen-year-old girl is not the most dangerous thing you’ve faced, even if she was trained by the Commission. Just give her enough so she knows what to avoid while sparing her the scarring details. Easy!

“Alright,” he said. “First of all…” This is it. “Don’t date villains.”

She raised an eyebrow. “I wasn’t asking to. Also, shouldn’t that be obvious?”

Keigo nervously laughed. This is gonna be painful.

“Well of course! But…some teenagers just make really really bad decisions!” 

Sora huffed. “Now you’re sounding like Nagant when she tells me, ‘don’t sign deals with shady government officials’.”

“Right…” Hawks scratched his neck. “Another important thing to remember is that while fights aren’t necessarily unhealthy, if it involves actually trying to murder each other then that’s a good sign this isn’t going to work out.”

“Why would you even need to point that out?”

“Trying to violently maim each other is also a bad sign.”

“I just want advice on how to confess and go on a date!” Sora said. “Can. You. Manage. That?”

“Oh sure!” Keigo said. “Don’t confess while trying to kill each other. Also, there probably shouldn’t be much profanity in it. And make sure you don’t let him take you to a dark alley away from prying eyes in a part of town where screams of pain are a nightly occurrence.” 

“Yeah, that’s obvious!” she said, her wings flaring slightly. “What are you going to advise next? Not going to his suspiciously soundproofed warehouse with a shallow grave out back?!” 

“Uhhhhhh…” She was already ahead of him! At least this couldn’t be much worse.

 ______________________________________________________________

“Remember, dating a villain is inadvisable. Even if he looks really good in a longcoat.”

“Uh, I don’t think she’s a villain? She might’ve been tempted, but ultimately decided against it.”

“That’s good! Just remember to enforce boundaries, like not letting him become a workaholic who refuses to come home except for your son’s birthday and anniversary, and forbid him-her from building a vault that can’t be opened from the inside.”

“In case someone accidentally gets locked inside?”

“Yes, accidentally. Any questions so far?”

“Not really. This just seems really specific and not very applicable to my situation. But don’t worry! I’m sure there’s plenty of wisdom for me to use!” 

I doubt that.

 ________________________________________________________________ 

Keigo carefully went through all of the many many red flags he had ignored (and would likely continue to ignore) in a relationship, all while his sister’s expression went from annoyance, to stone faced stoicism, to slack-jawed horror.

“-And if he offers to help you become a villain-“

“He literally already did the opposite of that! The closest to actually doing it was when he wondered aloud what my Villain name would be.”

“Oh? What did he guess?” Hawks said.

Sora’s face became grave, “Goose.”

Hawks shuddered, his mind briefly filled with those…thing’s unholy honking. Truly, a name of evil.

“Well, as long as he did the opposite he should be fine,” Hawks said. “But don’t let him step on you either. Trust me.”

“Believe me, that is not going to be a problem.”

“Ok, good.” Hawks raked his mind. “I think that’s about it. What did you think?”

 Sora took a deep breath “I think…”

Hawks leaned in.

“That was the single biggest waste of time I have ever experienced, including several meetings with the HPSC. If I was given the choice of being tortured or listening to this again, I’d ask if it was a trick question. If it was between this and breaking my leg, I’d instantly pick the leg! The number of people with worse tastes than you can probably be counted on one hand, and even they could probably manage a relationship better than you can!”

 ___________________________________________________________ 

Inko sneezed.

“Bless you Mom!”

 ____________________________________________________________ 

“That was twenty minutes of my life I am never getting back! You’re more useless than Nagant at romantic advice, and she doesn’t even have friends! I could’ve just gone and asked random people on the street and it would’ve been more useful than this! Honestly, several members of the League are better at romance!”

__________________________________________________________

All for One sneezed.

__________________________________________________________

“In short, this was a complete disaster from beginning to end that was about as useful as going to Endeavor for tips on parenting!”

Keigo winced. He’d sunk to a new low. Being roasted by his little sister.

Sora took several deep breaths. Finally, she said, “I am going. I will try and forget everything you said, and then figure this out myself.”

“Ok, let me know how it goes?” Keigo said.

Sora said nothing. She simply walked to the window, opened it, then threw herself out in a manner that suggested she would still be doing that if she couldn’t fly.

"#Also I would love Sora asking Hawks about romance"

Funniest part of that is that my impression of Hawks is that despite his stage demeanor, he has zero actual romantic experience. Meaning Sora braved this really awkward conversation only for it to be totally useless.

I think he either has zero experience when it comes to actual romance or, since I low key ship Dabihawks, that the rare relationships that aren't hook ups are just plainly catastrophic so when Sora finally asks him for advice, he is left stunned and speechless and wondering how he can explain to his sister to do the OPPOSITE of everything he would do, but without revealing scarring details.

[whatiwillsay]

off topic - let’s talk about gaylena 👀

selena gomez is one of taylor’s oldest and bestest friends and given that she is in the 22 liner notes, a huge part of taylor’s life, and maybe fruity herself it seems like possibly we don’t talk about her here at the blog enough!

i don’t want to do a timeline of selena and taylor’s friendship - you can read more about that here, but they met back in the day when they were both dating jonas brothers and to me this idea of finding a real friendship in the midst of these contrived promances is pretty adorable.

ofc most of y’all think taylor is a fruit basket but i think there’s a good chance that selena is too!  i’m not saying she is for sure but y’all know me.  i’’m here to make a compelling case that everyone and their dog is gay so let’s gooooo! 

Part I - At least one fake rs!  

Selena “dated” Taylor Lautner in 2009 and he’s definitely gay.  Of course, that doesn’t mean she is, it could just be PR, but y’all know I gotta note everything!  We stan our fruity bffs dating the same gays 😍

Part II - Selena x cara delevingne

i feel like there’s a chance they met through taylor but everyone in that squad adjacent circle knows one another.  cara dated michelle rodriguez for the first half of 2014 and then got with annie clark in March 2015 but it feels like it’s possible something has gone on between her and Selena from summer 2014 - early 2015? ...maybe something casual on and off a bit?

August 2014 - Steamy pics surface in Saint-Tropez, France

Selena and and a freshly single Cara vacation together in part to celebrate Selena’s 22nd birthday.

They party together and look cozy!

Pictures such as this surface and spark rumors around the two:

Selena apparently loves the rumors and gushes about being shipped with Cara.

Quote:

You say Selena drag queens were the true measure of success for you. But isn’t it true that you’re not truly famous until you’ve been the subject of a gay rumor? And last year, the tabloids had a field day with photos of you and Cara Delevingne. I’ve made it!

How did you react to those rumors? Honestly, I loved it. I didn’t mind it. Especially because they weren’t talking about other people in my life for once, which was wonderful. Honestly, though, she’s incredible and very open and she just makes me open. She’s so fun and she’s just extremely adventurous, and sometimes I just want that in my life, so I didn’t mind it. I loved it.

Notice she doesn’t deny them?  Now of course she could just be being cool, if she freaked out about it that might be even weirder but hey, it’s still kind of interesting.

Then she admits to questioning her sexuality???

Have you ever questioned your sexuality? Oh, I think everybody does, no matter who they are. I do, yeah, of course. Absolutely. I think it’s healthy to gain a perspective on who you are deep down, question yourself and challenge yourself; it’s important to do that.

(Selena btw, this is cool and all, but not everybody questions their sexuality, maybe you’re just gay 👀)

November 1 - LACMA Art + Film Gala 

they even left the event together 👀

and they hung out earlier that day as well:

They were seen the next day partying for Kendall Jenner’s bday singing to her:

a few weeks later Cara tweets Selena’s lyrics!

In December 2014 they are travelling together in texas:

in january 2015 they get cozy at the golden globes together!

and they leave together again:

January 19th/20th a bunch of gay nonsense happens

They post this gay shit with matching shoes and linked fingers:

then they say this to one another:

Enty says they were hooking up!

then we don’t get any more content that i can find for about six months! perhaps they had a fling from summer 2014-jan 2015 and then it ends, Cara gets with Annie in March?  Then after half a year apart Selena and Cara resume a friendly relationship?  Perhaps!  Selena is seen with Justin a bit off and on during this time but this was in their Style/Heat Death Era imo (tbh i probably shouldn’t give a hetty pairing including Justin that designation 🤢but y’all get what I’m saying - it’s fully possible Selena was hooking up with both of them!

Now I’m not super familiar with Selena’s discography so y’all lmk if I’m missing anything major - lyric wise that point to her not being straight.

Selena’s album Revival that comes out after this relationship has a few songs with some vibes, even though I get the feeling a lot of it is probably about Justin, allow me to reach.  The title track could be translated as someone coming to terms with their sexuality (among other things):

I feel like I've awakened lately The chains around me are finally breaking I've been under self-restoration I've become my own salvation Showing up, no more hiding, hiding The light inside me is bursting, shining It's my, my, my time to butterfly

Good for you, imo, is too sexy to be about a man even if it’s not super queer lyrically it’s a vibe ok?

Me & My Girls might be a bestie anthem a la 22 (oh wait, no 22 was gay too) but I mean...could be about a girl gang of lesbians too!

And if we want it, we take it If we need money, we make it Nobody knows if we fake it You like to watch while we shake it I know we're making you thirsty You want us all in the worst way But you don't understand I don't need a man 

Quinn Fabray indeed!

Nobody feels probably like a retrospective on Justin 🙄but...there is a hint of sapphic craving in there!  Saying this particular lover loves them differently than everyone is a bit 👀 plus this stanza:

No oxygen, can barely breathe My darkest sin, you've raised release And it's all because of you, all because of you And I don't know what it is, but you've pulled me in No one compares, could ever begin To love me like you do And I wouldn't want them to

Is Perfect about some bitch Justin started dating?  Probably but bear with me here this song is actually pretty fucking gay.  Gay enough that I’m gonna add it to one of my gay playlists.  Could this song actually be about Cara moving on to Annie?

Ooh, and I bet she has it all Bet she's beautiful like you, like you And I bet she's got that touch Makes you fall in love, like you, like you

I can taste her lipstick and see her laying across your chest I can feel the distance every time you remember her fingertips Maybe I should be more like her Maybe I should be more like her I can taste her lipstick, it's like I'm kissing her, too And she's perfect And she's perfect

Part III - Selena x Julia Michaels

Julia Michaels is a singer/songwriter known for her song Issues.  I don’t know her sexuality but she at the least has gay vibes!  It seems they met around this time perhaps because Julia wrote on Revival.

They have a friendly enough friendship for a few years, liking one another’s posts on IG from time to time, posing for a photo a time or two and then they seem to get swept up into this very intense friendship in 2019.  They write some music together and Julia goes whole hog in promoting the shoe brand Selena is hawking this time 😭

2019 - The Superior Sapphic Jelena Timeline:

It starts, for some reason with a lot of shoe promotion:

chill, chill

more shoes

but more gayness?

this homo shit

ok...

Then we go into the REALLY GAY NOVEMBER OF 2019:

Then they perform together:

And...actually kiss...on the mouth on stage???

Sure it’s just a peck but still...if that were a guy people would say they were dating.  

Somehow kissing on the mouth isn’t the gayest thing these girls do over this period because these fucking dykes got matching tattoos.  I’ve read enough Larry blogs to know this actually means they’re secretly married.  All jokes aside this is fruity behavior. 

From their IG stories:

Selena gets Julia a very nice christmas gift:

Covid sets in and content drops off but god damn!  It’s possible they just had an intense friendship but if a man and a woman collabed on music together, kissed in public, and got matching tattoos everyone would say they were dating!

Selena, as far as I can find, didn’t have any public boyfriends around this time so who are some of these love songs about?

Rare comes out in January 2020 and perhaps has some gayish songs?

Don’t tell me why but boyfriend lowkey, has a gay vibe.  Don’t ask me to explain it but it’s just the musicality of it.

Crowded Room could be a love song for Julia?  (or by Julia for Selena, since they’re collaborators?)

Baby, it's just me and you Baby, it's just me and you Just us two Even in a crowded room Baby, it's just me and you, yeah

These are general gay vibes, our secret moments in a crowded room tease

It started polite, out on thin ice 'Til you came over to break it I threw you a line and you were mine

It would have started out polite between them, since they worked together for years before whatever 2019 was happened.  And throwing someone a line first of all makes Selena sound like the aggressor but also “throwing someone a line” could be a reference to writing songs together.

Yeah, I was afraid, but you made it safe I guess that is our combination Said you feel lost, well, so do I So won't you call me in the morning? I think that you should call me in the morning If you feel the same, 'cause

Lots of people are afraid at the beginning of a gay rs.  Treacherous tease 👀

In summation!

Selena does gay stuff like fantasizing ab kissing other women in her music, getting very touchy with famous dykes on vacay, hangs out with Taylor Swift, has chronic mental health issues, dated a jonas brother and a twilight gay, has admitted to questioning her sexuality, and loves being shipped with women.  Is she gay?  I don’t know!   But all she’s missing from her celesbian bingo card is a suspiciously intense friendship with a Glee Cast member! What do you guys think?  Selena fruity or just weird?

Edit to add: so apparently I missed an entire ship and Selena supposedly acted really gay all the time with her backup dancer Charity Baroni.  Exposing SMG has posted a lot about all that.

Also Selena has been cast in a gay role! edit to add: @bisluthq went and found this for me - julia is indeed a fruit queen

[ijustwant2write]

Time To Meet The In-Laws-Eggsy Unwin x Reader One Shot

(GIF credit to owner)

Masterlist

Summary: Requested by annonymous: ‘Eggsy unwin x reader where they’re dating and she meets his mother and he tells her that he wants to meet his parents and when he does they ask him personal questions and ask which university he went to and when they know he didn’t go to any they say that they don’t approve because the reader is from a very rich/important family in London but she talks with them alone about how much she loves him and how he would do anything for her and they change their mind?’

Characters: Eggsy Unwin x Reader

Meanings: (Y/N)= Your name (Y/LN)= Your last name

Warnings: Some arguing and mean words to/about Eggsy 😞

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“It was so lovely to meet you, (Y/N). I’m just so happy that Eggsy has you in his life now, especially after he turned it all around.” Eggsy’s mum Michelle gushed as she smiled widely.

I smiled back.“Thank you. That means so much to me. I couldn’t imagine not being with him.”

Eggsy emerged from the bathroom, pretending like he hadn’t been listening.“Ready to go, luv?”

I nodded, mentally rolling my eyes. I had been so nervous about this whole thing, meeting the parents was always a big step in any relationship. Michelle hugged me tightly, not forgetting to squeeze me a little. As she said goodbye to her son, I bent down to Daisy who was happily playing with her toys in the floor. Tickling her tummy, I laughed as she giggled, softly waving goodbye; this was undoubtedly the cutest toddler in the world.

Eggsy and I were silent for a while as he drove away. I relished at the words his mum had said to me. I had the seal of approval now, she liked me!

“Your family is lovely, Eggsy.” I spoke up.

He looked at me briefly before turning back to the road.“There’s this overwhelming feeling in me, I think I’m just really happy.”

“Aw, that’s so sweet.” I teased, pinching his cheek.

“So um, I was just wondering…uh, when can I meet yours?” His question caught me off guard. I had tried to forget about him meeting my parents. Not that I was ashamed of Eggsy, not at all! How could I be? He was everything I had ever dreamed about in a man. It wasn’t Eggsy that was the problem, it was my parents, they were not going to go easy on him.

“Eggsy, my mum and dad….they’re not as welcoming as your mum.” I started, choosing my words carefully.

I saw his smile fall.“W-what do you mean?”

“I really want you to meet them, trust me, but they always envisioned me with someone who had gone to an amazing school, have a rich background…you know where I’m from, what it’s like.”

“Th-they still might like me.” He had suddenly gone quieter.

“Eggsy, they have to because I love you. If they don’t, I couldn’t give a fuck. You saved the world, they have no choice.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Eggsy had got up at the crack of dawn to start getting ready. Laying in our bed, I watched as he scurried around the room, making sure everything was in order. He had done his hair, washed his face, brushed his teeth, do his hair again before staring into his wardrobe for fifteen minutes. You could feel the tension building up. His posture was tense too.

Letting out a big sigh, I threw the covers off me, slumping out of bed. Wrapping my arms around him, I almost thought he wasn’t breathing by how still he was. Eggsy put his hands on mine, taking a deep breath.

“What do I wear? I can’t rock up to your house looking bad.”

“Just something smart-ish, like smart casual.” I replied.

“Will that be ok? That won’t be too underdressed?”

“You’re meeting my parents, not the queen. Come on, I’m going for a shower, and I think you also need a shower to relax.” I pulled on his arm, smirking.

“But I just got my hair perfect.” he whined.

“Alright. But if you change your mind, you know where I’ll be.”

I decided to drive there, knowing Eggsy was still nervous. Along the way, I kept complimenting how he looked, that he would be fine. Nothing seemed to be working. Based on looks my parents would like him, because of Kingsman he was dressed like a man who had good fortune. But as soon as he opened his mouth, they would understand what sort of person he was. Someone they didn’t want to be associated with.

“You ready?” I joked, trying one more time to lift his spirits.

“You make it sound like a mission.”

“It kind of is.”

Walking hand in hand, we approached my childhood home. Eggsy stared in wonder, we did have a large estate. The home had been brought down through the generations. Ringing the doorbell, I gave him one last kiss of good luck before the door opened. A butler answered it, he was new, though that didn’t stop me from walking in.

“Miss (Y/L/N), welcome home.” he greeted, taking our coats.

“(Y/N)! Sweetheart, it’s so good to see you again.” my mum exclaimed as she opened her arms to me.

“Hi mum.” I hugge her.

My dad walked through next, not having any choice but to greet Eggsy as I was occupied.

“Hello sir, pleasure to meet you.” Eggsy said, holding a hand out.

My father shook it.“You too Eggsy, it’s been too long.” Oh god, I could already feel the judgment radiating off him. Mum was next to greet him and she gave the same look. To anyone else, it would not seem like anything, but to those who knew her, that look only meant that she wasn’t happy with what she saw.

They invited us through to the living room, tea and biscuits already on the coffee table. We sat opposite them, I poured out everyone’s drink as I waited for someone to say something.

“Your home is amazing, Mr and Mrs (Y/L/N).” Eggsy gestured around him.

“Thank you, Eggsy.” she sipped at her tea.“(Y/N) tells us you met at Kingsman through recruitment. What part of London did you come from?”

Straight to the point, as usual.

“Um..” Eggsy stuttered, surprised by her forwardness,“I used to live in the East End.”

“The East End? Really?” my dad raised an eyebrow.

“M-my father was in Kingsman, an old friend of his offered me a place there.” My family had also been a part of Kingsman. Dad was originally an agent, only stopping when he got a nasty injury and to take care of the family estate. Many uncles, aunties and cousins were in the same kind of business, so they knew a lot about it. However, they did not know all the people Eggsy had saved.

“That’s a very strange miracle. They normally only take people on from Universitys such as Oxford or Cambridge. Where did you go to study?” dad asked.

Good lord, did these people have no respect?

“Neither sir. I joined the marines after secondary school.”

My parents glanced at each other, not hiding it from my boyfriend. Squeezing into Eggsy’s hand, I tried to send him a reassuring smile. He managed a small smile, though I could tell that this has effected his confidence.

“Eggsy, would you mind if I just spoke with my parents for a moment?” I suddenly asked, shocked by my own words.

He tried to not jump out of his seat.“Of course luv.” The door shut quickly as he almost sprinted out of the room. I shot my parents an angry glare, but they were also stubborn people. I really didn’t want to argue with them. These were my parents, I loved them, they had raised a very happy child but this child was not happy right now.

“What do you think you’re doing? How dare you speak to my boyfriend like that.” I kept my voice low.

“(Y/N), he is not a good match for you. You’ve had your fun, but it’s time to move into the real world.” mum sighed.

“I love that man. Who cares where he came from? It’s who he is as a person that drew me to him.”

“How on earth did he get into Kingsman anyway? Seems like they’re accepting just anybody nowadays.” dad huffed.

“Eggsy is not just anybody. That is the man who saved everyone from world domination and genocide that could have occured. Not only that, he is the man who has saved me countless times, the man I love, the man I want to be with for the rest of my life!” I could feel the anger rising but kept calm.“Eggsy would do anything for me and I for him.”

“(Y/N), are you really sure about this?” mum came and sat next to me, holding my hand.

“Yes mum.” I smiled.“I don’t think I’ve ever been so sure of anything in all of my life.”

We all thought it best that Eggsy and I leave now, come back some other time so that they could start fresh. Luckily, my boyfriend went along with this. Saying goodbye to my parents, I watched them like a hawk as they walked up to Eggsy.

“Eggsy, I’m sorry if I offended you earlier.” my mum apologised.

“We just want what’s best for our daughter.” dad added.

“I understand. So do I.” Eggsy beamed.

Eggsy drove us home, just like he had from his mum’s. Again, it was quiet but he spoke this time.

“What happened back there?”

“What do you mean?” I lovingly looked at him, smiling goofily.

“Your mum hugged me goodbye, your dad shook my hand. They were really happy when I left. What did you say?”

“Just the truth babe, just the truth.”