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patchdotexe · 4 years

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explorers of arvus: heading back / 3.11.21

zoom and enhonse

LAST TIME ON ARVUS taure passed out and we are now down a healer! also we met a disciple of halvkar, and surprisingly did not murder her. this is fine. we have instantly gotten distracted by our various carts. cats. our various cats

DID ANY OF US CATCH TAURE, SHE FELL OVER sieron tried to catch her and smacked charlie+thorne in the face (he rolled a nat1, f) BUT the catboy is to the rescue bc silje is the designated Not Incompetent of the group today

CONSULT THE CHILD hewwo yrel yrel: her mind is being consumed by the serpent of nightmares. :D charlie: HELLO?????//

so, dendar(?) the night serpent is imprisoned beneath arvus! she was formed from the nightmares of the first sentient being, and sometimes she eats people's nightmares. if she's exceptionally hungry, she'll force nightmares onto people for her to feed off their fear. yrel thinks taure will Probably wake up. there's a thing on arvus mentioned by the locals called a "sleeping sickness" where people will fall asleep for a few days, sometimes longer, but will wake up. its magical in cause, the people afflicted by it have horrific nightmares, and its just kinda. a thing. wowza

(i have gone back to spelling yrel's name as yrel bc i think it looks nice)

OH HEY SOMEONE POSTED A THEORY ON ONE OF MY STICKMOLUS ANIMATIONS man i should get back to stickmolus sometime. once dsmp releases its awful grip on me.

i keep getting distracted by seeing myself in the camera preview. i have a tooth gap! what the fuck its cute?? K I KNOW WE'RE SUPER BLURRY IN FRONT RN BUT PLEASE HELP ME STAY FOCUSED I SWEAR -leo

we're gonna build a sled! to put taure on. thorne: i have a good strength score. ....i say, out loud charlie: i am four feet tall. [cue argument between thorne & sieron about them both being horcs but sieron has a +0 bc strength is his dump stat] OH, OKAY, THORNE ROLLED A NAT20 TO CARRY TAURE. NICE

[discussion about what to tell everyone at camp vengenace] thorne: the last thing we need to do is a witch hunt charlie: --and we already hunted the witch! the witch has been hunted.

time to discuss strategy! we need to figure out how to head back to camp vengeance, eg if we want to follow the path we already took or if we wanna do some trailblazing. looks like we're gonna try and take the most direct path! which means we'll prolly risk tangoing with some undead but im willing to risk it TINY HUT STAIRCASE sorry i just remember it now and then

nyx: [meowing at his cats] thorne: uh... why is silje meowing? jorb: silje's food bowl is empty jorb: you look at silje's food bowl and there's a divot in the middle and the food is all on the sides emotionally, we must bully the catboy silje saw something interesting and started meowing

thorne: ill take first watch silje: ill also take first watch. charlie: [quietly] gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy (but, like, extended for 15 seconds)

silje: [takes watch] [rolls a nat1 and gets distracted by looking at his crush]

THORNE HAS LOCATED A DOG the dog does not give a shit about the tiny hut. THE DOG HAS PEED ON THE TINY HUT goodbye dog

EVERYONE IS ROLLING AT LEAST 1 NAT1 thorne: wow! that sure is a dog. thorne has drawn the worst possible dog. thorne has erased the worst possible dog. we dont speak of the worst possible dog its the dog version of honse. DONSE

sieron is now on watch! MAN we are havin trouble rolling today. at least kali's here to make sure sieron doesnt stare at a rock for 50000 years sieron sees a mouse! bottom text

charlie is now on watch! kali is havin a big ol thonk. nothing meaningful has come of this

i am perceiving some deer. sieron is not perceiving some deer. silje is perceiving some deer, but better the deer are fucked up and undead! silje has gone from "we should hunt these deer for food" to "we should hunt these deer for sport"

charlie: i do not feel like being jumped by five thousand skeletons

charlie takes first watch with sieron! WHY ARE OUR ROLLS SO TERRIBLE taure is super cursed right now. that's not very pog charlie: this place sucks. thorne: to be fair, we havent-- charlie: YOU'RE ASLEEP, SHUT UP

oh hey coolname galvanic finally partied. nice.

thorne is at watch! solar: hey, is leomund's tiny hut an orb? there's a critter digging around! AH, THE CRITTER IS UNDEAD. this could be a problem

solar: hey michael, how much does the horrific sin against god dog i drew look like this creature michael: [dice roll noises] about 50%.

michael: if anyone likes, they can make a nature check-- solar: ME MEMEMEMEME ME ME ME

its a bulette! aka a land shark. problem: they are not normally undead. this one is undead.

jorb: imagine if you could tame one of those and use it as a mount. leo: IT WOULD JUST DIG UNDERGROUND AND LEAVE YOU THERE

we are just calling it a weird dog

we're going to mail a letter to the heart of arvus. HEY, CHECK OUT THIS WEIRD DOG,

JORB FOUND ART OF A BABY BULETTE. WEIRD PUPPY!

solar: hey guys, check out this sick art of a bulette i found

silje kept a lookout for the weird dog but its just fucked off. goodbye, weird dog give it up for day 3!

man there's been like, three incinerations today in blaseball. what's up with that. I SWEAR IM MOSTLY PAYING ATTENTION its just been an eventful day in blaseball. also im wearing my garages bomber rn. jaylen is home wooOOOO the wind smells stinky. this is fine.

we're actively avoiding whatever combat michael keeps nudging at us bc we're carrying around an unconscious person and i SWEAR hes gonna throw something directly at us once he's done with our shenanigans

UHH MICHAEL ASKING FOR PASSIVE PERCEPTION LOL

huh. this place used to be inhabited? we're in the woods rn but there's some like, stone ruins? like, VERY ruins. like, not really any structures standing, but enough evidence to show there Were things. WE FOUND A STATUE charlie: i want to smash my face against the lore.

used to be a circle of standing stones, but most of em fell over or got overgrown. inside of the circle has been cleared, although v roughly-- ground's torn up statue is of fjolnir! warrior holding up a spear and shield. AH, THERE ARE CORPSES, a human got REAL fucked up here. one of the corpses is straight up impaled on fjolnir's spear. n ... not pog.

i am trying so, so hard to pay attention. but i also kinda wanna take a nap.

charlie: [stares at statue] [rolls a 4] i wonder if he had a dick.

okay so something rolled in, tore up the overgrowth inside the circle, and murdered a couple dudes. and was also super tall and human-adjacent. hrm.

oh my god why are we rolling so shit today. time to stealth away and hope we dont get casually dismembered

k: jorb's hair is so long... leo: K, PLEASE,

time for a break! i am very tired but im gonan see if i can push through a little further. nyx is petting his cat why do orangatangs look like that

first watch is thorne and sieron! have they even, like, talked thorne unhabby ): thorne's worried we were tresspassing when checking out the statue, meanwhile im thinking about that one time when sieron got bit by a groundhog

(oh my god this is from late 2018)

leomund's tiny hut, aka the anti-sea bear circle we are getting SO much mileage out of the tiny hut. SILJE HUMS A SONG WITH KALI cute........... FINALLY I HAVE ROLLED ABOVE A 14 wait no i rolled a 16 twice. anyway we are not dead

nearly at camp vengenace! boy howdy i hope camp vengeance didnt get burned down. AH FUCK TAURE IS UNCONSCIOUS SO WE CANT CAST FOR DETECT POISON kaepora nearly made us all shit ourselves but its okay he just saw some bison and thought it was cool Michael Is Consulting Several Tables

WHY DOES JORB'S CAMERA ZOOM LIKE THAT why am i hungry. i have so many questions

HEY, TALL GUY [smacks sieron]

camp vengeance looks better! like, nobody's Obviously Sick anymore, the medical tents arent overfilled, we did it! we saved the dayyyyyy time to report to ryder! taure's getting dropped off at the medical tent

man remember when charlie didnt wear pants

oh man, with taure unconscious charlie is now taking point with social interaction. wild. jk im making jorb do it bc im tired HAHA NAT 20 PERSUASION BC OF ME HELPIN SIERON man ryder is such a cock. he was totally ready to keep throwing troops at heaven's brazier to die until we managed to persuade him out of it. jorb: did we tell ryder about the vision? michael: you kinda just took a look at him and went STINKY BOY!

okay yeah anything that dies on arvus will just pop back up as undead. man, arvus sucks.

ryder: alright, dismissed. charlie: seeya, soldier boy! :D hahahahaha im gonna eat his knees.

SILJE NEEDS ENRICHMENT IN HIS ENCLOSURE

charlie: ive decided he sucks. silje: we've already arrived to that, you're late!

LMAO WE WALKED IN ON INGRID AND HER CRUSH they fuckin. nice. you go, you funky lesbian

jorb: we've got the tiny hut, we could go anywhere leo: we could go to SPACE! nyx: we could not go to space. leo: WITH A TINY HUT STAIRCASE, WE CAN,

we are 320 miles away from the spaceship that exists on arvus. nice.

michael: justin sees you-- roll a strength saving throw. leo: i cant wait to die! [rolls a 3] I AM CRUSHED BY MY DOG michael: he rolled a nat20.

BOSS ENCOUNTER: CHARLIE'S DOG (the small circle next to him is one of the medical tents.)

THORNE IS PACT OF THE GUN solar: PARRY THIS, YOU FUCKING CASUAL

sieron, to ingrid: seems like youve been doing well charlie: i punch sieron. sieron: sieron: the camp, of course.

man we have no idea if the heart of arvus is actually related to the prophecy or not. theres a Lot of stuff lining up, but not enough, and its hard to say how much of it couldve been literal?

solar & michael: [discussing exposition] me: [cracking up bc penn sent me a funny dsmp joke]

prophecies are weird.

charlie is just s she is just sitting here SILJE PLAYED CARDS REALLY GOOD AT ME nyx rolled a nat20 and took all my money

oh cool we can talk to yrel telepathically! time to hoist yrel. THIS IS SO SCUFFED thorne mentioned yrel and now we're trying to explain to ingrid that we have a magic talking snake charlie: I WANT TO GO HOME. thorne: we cant go, we have a GOD-KING to kill! "i think theyre insane, theyre talking to a snake" "ingrid, druids exist" "oh. im gonna go back to getting railed by my 7 foot tall girlfriend"

#leo chirps #ttrpg #explorers of arvus #OKAY WE'RE CAUGHT UP NOW sorry abt that lmao

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literally-just-venting-myself · 4 years

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My stomach hurts alot so im usually sick a lot, i never really feel good so its hard for me to meet people especially already being so nervous all the time and afraid of normal interaction.

I wonder what happened to me from the brazened fighter of my younger youth but i fear they are long gone now, along with a lot of me.

I know i changed and im not really myself anymore or if i even remembered who i was.

Its scary to imagine or think more about it and i just feel the pit of my stomach grow further with unease, i cant make it stop and its...very unpleasant...i dont want to alarm anyone after all.

Its a sick day for a while now so im probably being emotional but i feel so dizzy all the time and constantly, always so close to throwing up the anticipation is killing me as i just wish ill go already, my skins cold with goosebumps and every walk is followed by a sway and overwhelming sense of nausea.

I dont understand these feelings and i feel unnerved to the upmost degree, i hate it. I want to not care again, it feels like my old pills for depression when the pills gave me emotions but i just felt like crying all the time instead of just being dead. Blank faced....

My eyes keep hurting again im tired and couldn't sleep through the night.

I kept waking up and up and up 3 times because i kept talking to myself in my dreams.

One of me was distorted and glitching and they kept talking to a normal me and my second time it was reversed and reversed again.

I dont know why this happened or why i kept waking up from it but thats what happened and i couldn't sleep.

Im afraid cause usually i never have dreams and to have so many at once if i was a even weaker person ill quite literally piss my pants.

And today i woke up early for no reason when i never wake up early but as soon as i woke up i was tired but the first thing i noticed was something standing at the foot of my bed, i blinked a haze in my eye until i looked again it was a person hanged.

I was so terrified and woke up immediately.

I couldnt go to sleep after that and now my stomach keeps caving in on itself and i feel awfully terrible.

Im scared of my dreams and i havent said yet why.

Because sometimes my dreams come true.

Sure laugh at me its bullshit but i knew things that happened that really shouldn't have happened.

It makes me so scared since all the dreams i did have so far became true.

And im worried that this new one today might be true which really wants me to throw up because you see.

I dont predict my own future but others people future.

...its looked like its been a year or so their hair is longer and they look healthier than they did before.

Things were getting better for them and they thought they were feeling happy again but a sorta relapse happened.

I saw them not crying but looking so dead inside their eyes had the heaviest bags and worse than i ever seen had the most close to dead while alive look.

They looked like hell and then they looked in the mirror it was distorted.

Thet didnt find a rope but some makeshift thing and started tying the loose ends together they knew how somehow and then...they grabbed a chair and went limp.

They stared at one but the wall and they were frozen with their neck bloated and eyes gone they werent there anymore and i never knew.

I was a coward and as soon as they...left i did too leaving everyone behind i self isolated again and didnt want to talk to anyone ever again.

Im so pathetic and turned off everything and close everything.

This is why i dont get attached to people i start having dreams and my dreams are cursed im cursed im evil im disgusting im a freak a monster i basically killed them its my fault i hate myself what the hell did i do they're crying an blaming me its my fault they hate me theyre pointing and staring theyre staring theyre staring.

My...mind slipped a bit...

Sorry...

I should just pass quietly...

Ill start talking less and less in the group chat and then theyll notice me less.

Then i can stop talking at all some days just disappearing at that point because whos going to notice a loner? A drifter...

Then a while of that ill just disappear itll male me seem cold and careless maybe thinking im drifting away to better stuff or too busy doing my own things.

Ill leave them alone for their own safety and then just pass quietly i can do this 2 months tops probably no meaningful conversations or no more of me pestering them to sleep and eat what am i their mother?

Im just a annoying idiot in my mind they know how to care for themselves unlike me.

Yeah...ill just leave no one will notice in gone..they wont and ill be glad with that then they can be happier without me. A disease shouldn't infect more people than it should already.

Later...me

#vent post

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jess-oh · 5 years

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reflection

hey journal,

im not fine. but im trying to be. or at least trying to pretend that im fine.

im surprisingly good at pretending im fine when im not. the reality is, i still feel so miserable. i tried to just drown my sorrows away in the form of food and YouTube videos and i am left feeling just as empty as I did on Saturday. Listening to, “I’m Fine” over and over and over has allowed me to at least try and convince myself that im fine.

i am upset with Amanda but it’s not because of anything she did wrong so i dont want to tell her why. im trying to protect the people i care about. i know im being irrational and just overthinking all of this and i just need to solve it and get over it to preserve my image and be of the utmost help for other people.

i dont want to tell jason how im feeling bc im worried he’ll just get mad and i know ive been too reliant on him in the past and i feel bad that i wasnt able to help him in the same way. i was sad he got more letters than me in his journal? well hes also just a better person than me. a part of me feels like i deserve the same amount, if not more letters than him because i put so much more effort into movement than he did. he never came out to the bible studies or prayer meetings and missed a whole bunch of sundays and i did my best to come out to every sunday and saturday and have been active on tuesdays. i feel like i do and sacrifice so much for movement but in the end, it doesnt even matter.

i feel really broken and i dont know why.

but ultimately, i know jason did better than me. bc he actually genuinely cared. i was just trying to prove i was worth something. i didnt act out of care. i acted out of pride. and people knew. their job isnt to reach out to me and give me a pat on the back for all the things ive done. their job has been to receive and act naturally in accordance with how God wants them to live. and i havent encouraged them. ive judged them. did i even do anything worthwhile this past year besides just leeching off other people? was i just a shitty person entirely?

im fine.

even when jason did feel down in the dumps, he still did care for them. i didnt. i just pushed people away.

i tried to be transparent and open and for what?

i think it encouraged joyce to speak up a couple times maybe. and i am glad david prayed for me. but as a whole, did i really ever do anything meaningful or worthwhile? or was it just all for show to make myself feel better.

i feel like im losing amanda.

i dont want her to feel bad for me or reach out to me just because she can. i want to actually be loved and cared for and i dont believe she does feel that way towards me anymore. i feel like ive been left behind. again.

and i know this was never her intention and i do genuinely want her to be happy which is why im journaling about all this instead of telling her how i feel. because i dont want her to feel guilty for the choices she made and i do genuinely want her to be happy. i know that she has been quietly suffering for a long time now and i do really want her to get better and if she is encouraged and challenged to do that through Johnathan, then so be it. I would rather she get help, even if it isnt from me. i do really care for her and love her and i want to write her and the rest of the MAST members a letter soon but i cant think super clearly right now.

i just keep beating myself up over and over and over for the things that i couldve done better. i couldve been a better friend. i couldve been more open. more attentive. more caring. more understanding. more open-minded. but i didnt.

and i guess the only thing to do from here is move on and look forward and figure out what i can do better.

i want to know what i can do better and the areas in which i fell short but im also so scared of finding out bc i already hate myself so much anyway and being told what i failed at would only add to this already heavy burden.

im fine.

i also just feel really bad because i feel like im taking such a huge step back by pushing people away and isolating myself. i know i have grown a lot this past year and i have been able to become more trusting of those around me and it has been really nice to know that i am cared for and loved by others. and in acting like how i am now, im worried pjosh and other people wont be proud of me anymore or the ways that i have grown.

have i even really grown at all? or was i always just forcing myself to make a different choice but now im just reverting back to how i naturally handle things? i dont want to disappoint them. i dont want to seem like a failure.

and God, i want to rely on you. I really do. But I can’t. Because at the end of the day, as much as I want to believe you and trust you and your pain, I really can’t understand why you’ve let me be in and put me through so much suffering and for so long. What did I do to deserve so much misery? I can’t handle it on my own anymore. I really can’t. It’s consuming me from the inside out.

i really want to call amanda and just clear everything up with her and be honest with her but i also dont want to hurt her. i know i can be too open and share too much and i dont want people to think something is mentally wrong with me bc that just means people will always look at me differently and pity me and never actually see me as human and i dont want that.

when i asked amanda what we should do with our small group and proposed hanging out in evanston instead, i was hesitant to ask at all because i knew what the “right” move to make was and wasnt sure if we should just opt for the easier route so more people could come.

and i was worried she would just say it’d be better for more people to come so we should just all meet in evanston instead. i was surprised when she actually mentioned how the original agreement was to meet in chinatown so thats what she wanted to do. and with that, i pushed for chinatown again and was thoroughly surprised when david actually decided to come through and travel with us. and i was really happy we all got to spend that time together. it was only once and i was so discouraged everyone bailed last minute. but the fact seoyeon and david did come was really heartwarming and encouraging to me. and it was for her too. our kids are growing up.

im also salty that a good handful of our members wished for more small group outings. which, i understand. but, i feel like theyre discrediting the fact that amanda and i really tried to plan outings but things fell apart bc of their schedules a lot of the time. whether it was bc people backed out last minute or we couldnt find a time when we were all free or people half hearted committed but flaked out when the time actually came closer and didnt took it as seriously. i get that other groups, especially p. josh’s, had more hangouts and i am genuinely happy for them. and maybe our group wanted to have more fun times like that.

was i just too serious this past year? and i didnt have as much fun as amanda? i always perceived her non-seriousness as a bad thing bc i thought she was just using it as a front to cover how much pain she was actually in. when she cried with me and actually shared her fears and insecurities, i felt how genuine that was. her normal “fake” personality didnt seem genuine to me. but maybe i was wrong. she does seem genuinely happy now. and im happy for her too.

i know i have a big mouth and have spoken when it wasnt my place to and i am getting better at managing it. i just didnt realize shutting my mouth would hurt me so much.

everytime jason has given me one of these “talks” on what i can work on, i end up feeling more hurt than challenged to do better. and i am actively trying to work on everything he told me to do and i know he told me out of a place of care. but now i just feel so paranoid that i am constantly being judged and messing up in ways that im not even aware of. and it sucks.

but i also dont want jason to not tell me ways i can improve bc i do genuinely want to know and how to grow and get better.

i had the opportunity to go to northwestern and hangout with familiar people again yesterday but i didnt go. because i was afraid of seeing amanda and johnathan there. and i was afraid of feeling left out.

even though i didnt know anyone on the softball team and i was the only college student there, it was so much easier for me to be happy with them. i made friends and i didnt care what i said or how i was being perceived. i just did my best to boost our team’s morale and cheer everyone on and that made me feel genuinely better. even if it was just for a few hours. i didnt care how i acted and chances are, i wouldnt interact or even see them ever again. or at least not for a while. but with the college kids, i dont understand why it’s so hard for me to be real with them. i am so much more afraid of being judged and gossiped about bc i know i have to keep working with them and i will see them again the next sunday. or the next. or the next. or the next.

i got along really with songbee the other day and being friends with her makes me feel like im betraying jason bc i know he doesnt get along with her very well.

i got along really well with jennie lee the other day. why is it so much easier for me to get along with adults? anyway,

we got along really well and i definitely want to keep in contact with her and get to know her better. we joked around a lot and it was fun!

maybe thats why i get along better with the adults. because i have such a surface level friendship with all of them. but with movement, ive been open and vulnerable and i actually have more to lose so im more afraid to be myself.

hm.

but yeah, i just hung out with jenny chang’s family after and i really valued our time together and how much they take care of me. they feel like my picture perfect family that i never had growing up. they’re what i always imagined a family should look like. but mine never fit that description.

#reflection #im not fine #im not even close to okay

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themoneybuff-blog · 5 years

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How Journaling Practices Have Helped My Financial Situation

Ive mentioned often on The Simple Dollar how journaling is a daily practice for me and has been off and on (but mostly on) since middle school in various forms. At times, its taken the form of simply cataloguing my day; at other times, Ive written in response to various prompts; today, its completely different (and Ill write about that in a bit). In any case, writing in my journal simply put, getting thoughts out of my head down on paper is something that is a daily part of my life. Why have I kept up with it for so long? How has it helped me in any way thats made it worth the time investment? And what does that practice look like? Thats what I want to share today. Lets start with the why. The Benefits of Journaling, Financial and Otherwise I keep up with a daily journaling practice for a lot of reasons. First of all, it feels like a mental relief to do it because it quiets the monologue in my head. Along with meditation, its one of the two most effective routine things Ive found in my life for getting the constantly chattering voice in my head to quiet down a little. That voice is constantly going over things I need to do, things Im thinking about or worried about, my upcoming plans, some problem Im interested in, and all kinds of other stray thoughts. That constant stream of thought is distracting. I find that dumping some of that stream of thought down on paper quiets that distracting voice pretty well, at least for a while. Ive found that one big burst of writing in my journal at the start of the day coupled with having a pocket notebook on me at all times to jot down other stray thoughts throughout the day keeps that voice a lot quieter and a lot less distracting. Second, I use it to work through challenging problems in my life that Im not quite sure how to solve. When I observe something I dont like in my life, my mind often worries on that problem without ever really coming to a good conclusion on it. Ill think about that problem over and over, but at best my idle thoughts will come up with really half-baked solutions. When I sit down and journal and dump that problem out on paper, I find that I almost always work toward an actual good solution to the problem (or problems) in my head. By writing out the problem as I see it, I usually get some better insight into whats really going on, and then as I write down that insight, more pop up, and eventually I lead myself to the real source of the problem and perhaps a start down the path to a good solution. This applies very well to personal finance. For example, it was writing in my journal that really helped me piece together that something was wrong with my financial life and gradually led me to the decision to make some major changes. It has helped me figure out what things in my life were frivolous expenses and which ones were not. It has helped me to identify situations where I was spending money nonsensically as an emotional response to some other situation in my life. Third, its helped me to understand complex ideas by taking a bunch of swirling bits and pieces Ive learned recently and didnt fully understand and combine them into something meaningful and comprehensible and useful. Many of my journal entries have originated from my thinking about something I read recently or experienced recently that I didnt quite understand, and by simply spelling it all out piece by piece, the idea came together for me. I used to do this a lot when I was in college, but I still do it quite frequently when Im reading something or when Ive had a difficult interaction with someone. For example, it was this practice that really helped me to understand investing and how index funds work and helped me decide that I should put as much of our investment money as possible into index funds. The ideas made sense on their own, but it was assembling the ideas and relating them to our own situation, which I did over a bunch of journaling sessions, that locked our retirement planning into place. I did the same thing when we were shopping for a home. Many of my entries during the months in which we were house shopping were oriented around figuring out how the house buying process worked, how mortgages worked, and so on. This actually leads well into my next point. Journaling has helped me come to a firm conclusion when there were a lot of options on the table. Often, decision making comes down to being able to filter through a lot of options, figure out which elements matter the most, and choose from those options based on that. Journaling has helped me with every piece of that process for many different major decisions in my life. As I noted earlier, journaling was essential in our home buying process. I wrote down extensive thoughts on each home we visited, the relative merits and drawbacks of each, and what each would look like financially. My journaling process helped Sarah and I choose a home that we could afford that met our needs, a home we still live in. Its helped me decide between investment options. Its helped me make career choices when I had several options on the table at a few points in my life. Simply writing through each of the options, figuring out what was good and bad about each one, and then coming to a clear decision not only helped me make a great decision at each of those crossroads, it also helped clear my head of constant worrying and constant thoughts on the subject. So, how exactly do I do this? What does my journaling practice look like? My Own Journaling Practice Ive used a number of practices over the years, but the one Ive used for the last few years, with a few tweaks, has been a small variation on the three morning pages journaling practice first popularized by Julia Cameron. In Camerons original practice, she simply suggested that a person sit down with a blank journal and start writing, filling up three pages in a journal with their writing before stopping for the day. Write about whatevers on your mind if its on your mind, just write it down, no matter how inane or pointless it seems. It gets that thought out of your head and makes space for whatevers next. Some days, everything is inane, and thats fine. Other days, youre working through some very difficult things, and thats fine, too. The goal is to empty that junk out of your head so you can get clean start to your day. I tried doing this exact thing for a while, but I ran into a number of small problems with it. The biggest one was that my handwriting is small and the pages in my journal are big. I tend to journal by writing in block capital letters it just feels the most comfortable to me and the writing is pretty small. Most of my journals are either full size pages or close to it. Thus, it can take a long time to simply fill up a page with words, even if Im writing as fast as I can. So, I modified the practice to what I call 45 morning minutes. I just set a timer for 45 minutes, sit down with my journal, open to the next blank page (or partial page), and start writing. When the timer goes off, I keep going until theres a clear break in thought and then I write a big double line across the page indicating the end of the day, and Im done. Journaling with a strict time limit keeps it within a reasonable time frame for me and makes it easy to schedule. Obviously, I do this in the morning, usually before anyone else is awake. I find that doing this early in the day is really effective at quieting down that internal monologue that distracts me with chatter and ideas throughout the day. Id rather have it quiet in the mornings and afternoons so that I can get focused work done. So, thats another big part of the equation for me: journaling in the morning quiets my internal monologue so that I can focus better during the work day. After I finish, I usually read back through my entry over the course of a few minutes, mostly to extract things that I need to get done in the near future. Are there any actionable items that I thought about or generated during that journaling? If so, I move them to my to-do list manager or to my calendar so I can find them later on in the day when Im actually doing stuff. Again, another key point: journaling often generates specific actions I need to work on or things I need to take care of, so I transfer those out to a to-do list. After that, I just close my journal and go about my day. There are a few obvious questions that come about from that description, so let me address them right now. I read old entries, but nothing older than a few months. After four or five months, the old entries start to read like they were written by another person living another life. Its familiar in the way that a distant memory is familiar, but it doesnt feel like me any more. When journal entries reach that point, then there isnt really any value to them any more, at least not for me. The method of journaling I use is not really a record of what I did each day, so once the entries arent fresh, I dont find any personal value in them. Ive changed enough as a person that the situations and solutions I wrote about in old journals no longer apply specifically to new situations. I havent actively read journal entries more than a few months old in a long time, and every time I happen to see one, I really dont care to read it. There are a few reasons for this, but most of it boils down to the fact that my journals reflect my active thinking at that moment, but when that moment fades away, theres not much value there. Its not a record of my life, but an outpouring of my current thought. There are some specific reasons, too. I am often deeply critical of myself, something that doesnt need to be re-read and dwelled upon. I sometimes tear myself to shreds when Im writing a journal entry. Im extremely critical of my flaws and mistakes, and while that can be good in the moment when Im assessing a situation or setting out a goal, it doesnt do me any good to read it later or for someone else to read it. I am sometimes honestly critical of my children in a way that I wouldnt want them to read; I do this not to be cruel, but to figure out how to be a good parent to them. It does not make me a good parent to pretend that my children are perfect and flawless. Rather, one of the best things I can do as a parent is to honestly assess their good features and their flaws and take those into account when I figure out how to communicate well with them and guide them toward good decision making practices, life ambitions, and things of that nature. For example, I might write down that one of my children is extremely conscientious of others but is sometimes excessively boastful, or I might write that another child is richly thoughtful but very quick to frustration and anger. (Obviously, these arent actual observations and are quite sanitized to boot, just examples so you understand what I mean.) Those arent thoughts that I want them to read, or anyone else to read. The same is true for my wife and my role as a husband and, occasionally, some of my friends and my role as their friend. I do similar evaluations of my wife at times. In what ways is she amazing? In what ways can I complement her with my strengths? In what ways does she complement my own weaknesses? How can I help out in areas where shes not as strong? Im sure shes glad that I think about such things and consider how to be a better husband, but I dont think even she would want to actually read such thoughts. The same thing is true if I assess a friend, particularly if theyre asking me for some life advice. I want to give the best advice I can to them, and that sometimes means being critical, and sometimes those words find their way into my journals. Thus, I dont save old journals, at least not anything older than my most recent one. I keep my current journal and my previous one in a secure place where they cant easily be found. My current journal is easy for me to grab in the mornings, but its not in a place where it would likely be found. When my current journal is full, I destroy the previous journal after I read through it again. For a while, I was keeping digital copies of my old journals, but I found that I was never looking at them, didnt really want to ever look at them, and didnt want anyone else to find them, so I stopped doing this. The downside to others finding those thoughts was worth more than the upside of any potential limited use I might have for them in the future. The policy of destroying the journals and keeping the current one secure lets me be more unguarded with my journaling. Given that I know my journals wont be around for posterity, I feel more comfortable just letting my thoughts fly on the page. I dont worry about who might read them or how they might appear for posterity. At worst, the most recent journal or two might be found, and that doesnt worry me too much. I usually start off each journal with a note saying that this is a collection of my unguarded thoughts as I worked through personal decisions and I would appreciate that the journal would be destroyed upon discovery if I were to pass. I vastly prefer handwritten journaling, but I may switch to using a stylus and writing on a table in the future as those technologies improve; writing by hand provides a clarity of thought that typing doesnt quite provide for me. For me, typing is conducive to rapidly recording ideas, but the process doesnt allow me any space to think about them. If I want to explore my thoughts, consider things, and actually remember them, I write things out by hand. This is true for journaling, but its also true for taking notes at meetings, taking notes when Im reading, taking notes during a lecture, and so on. I write all of those notes by hand and, if theres potential value that I might get out of them later, I convert them to digital format. I feel like taking notes with an Apple Pencil on an iPad is 90% of the way to where I want a stylus to be, but its not all the way there yet. When its perfect, writing thoughts down on a tablet using a stylus will be the best way to journal and take notes because it offers the advantages of both writing by hand and digital notes, but for now, its not quite there yet, and given a choice between the two, the thoughtfulness and retention of writing by hand outweighs typing out journal entries for me. I use Leuchtturm 1917 journals and either Uniball Signo 207, Pilot G2, or Pilot Juice pens. The journal isnt a requirement Ive used all kinds of different things over the years but I really like the size and the binding and paper quality of that specific journal. One of those usually lasts about two and a half months for my journaling purposes. As for the pens, I really only have three requirements for a pen: it needs to write when I want it without a lot of futzing around, it needs to have a thin line and not bleed all over the page or make a mess, and it needs to not leak in my pocket. The pens listed up there pass those tests with flying colors. I can get weeks and weeks out of writing with just one of them and it costs less than a dollar, which is good enough for me. Id rather spend $0.75 on a pen that will write for weeks without fail and not make a mess or leak than a $0.25 pen or a freebie that will need a bunch of waving around or tinkering when I want it to write, leave a ton of messy ink on the page, and inevitably leave a big blotch of ink on the paper or in my pocket. Final Thoughts Spending some time each day journaling simply writing my thoughts down on paper not only helps me piece through the problems in my life and ideas in my head, it also helps clear my mind and make it easier to focus on the tasks of the day because it quiets the voice in my head that would otherwise keep running through those problems and ideas. It has helped me not only figure out a bunch of financial and professional problems, its also helped keep my mind focused when actually doing work to earn an income. I find that my 45 morning minutes practice works extremely well for me, but there are many practices out there that range from simply listing the events of the day, writing what youre grateful for, brainstorming, and many other things. I highly recommend trying several practices until you find one that works well for you and then stick with it for a while. You might just find that it becomes an essential part of your life toolbox. Good luck! https://www.thesimpledollar.com/how-journaling-practices-have-helped-my-financial-situation/

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themoneybuff-blog · 5 years

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How Journaling Practices Have Helped My Financial Situation

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