#Haven't told my dad yet. But I plan on staying at his place during any days we wait

[bowithoutadaemon]

Yay! I got a ticket to the at.tention theater/circus/performance festival!

So even if I end up not getting a ticket to the fusion, I have one guaranteed week of camping & watching cool shit.

[skzstannie]

“We’d never want you to struggle alone”

SKZ-> ot8 x 9th member! reader

genre: angst wc: ~2100 cw: mentions of depression and death of family members, hatred for the holidays

Hi guys! Here’s my attempt at some Christmas/holiday angst. The fluffy Part 2 is posted and linked at the bottom of this post!

Feedback and likes/reblogs are greatly appreciated! I haven't got the chance to interact with too many people on here yet, so reach out if you'd like!

Happy scrolling!

"Hey guys, I'm pretty tired. I think I'm gonna head to bed. Chan Oppa, I'm gonna go lay down in your room until everyone's ready to go back to our dorm," you wave off their comments asking you to stay with them and make your way to the leader's bedroom.

It's December 20th, and the guys are all gathered around the television in the 3Racha/Hyunjin dorm, binge watching Christmas movies. During a normal year, you'd all be at your own homes with your families, cozying up to the fireplaces and drinking hot chocolate with your siblings. However, this was no normal year, and your comeback ran too close to the holidays, not allowing you nor the boys to go home for Christmas. Not that you particularly minded; you hated the holidays.

You imagine what you'd be doing at home right now, no doubt curled up in your bed with an exciting romance novel, listening to some dark academia playlist you'd found on YouTube.

But you're not home, you're stuck here with a bunch of Christmas-crazed dorks who have spent the last few weeks decorating your dorms full of all things Santa Claus. You've been managing to sneak away whenever any holiday-esque activities are taking place. You've not told them of your hatred towards the holidays, and you're not really planning to, either, not wanting to be the reason their fun-filled nights are ruined; they're already sad enough about not being able to head home for the holidays, the last thing you want to do is be a scrooge. So, you’ve resorted to humbly excusing yourself, busying yourself with your own activities when the occasion arises.

As you walk into Chan's room, you take notice of all the little trees he has decorating his room. Cute. You pick up the picture of his family he has resting on his nightstand beside his bed. You stare at his mom, dad, siblings, and grandparents smiling faces, feeling the familiarly unavoidable pit in your stomach form.

Your parents and one set of your grandparents passed away in a car wreck about five years ago, before you debuted with the guys. Your other grandparents, your mother's parents, passed away before you were born, never getting the opportunity to meet them. So, that left just you and your brother. Your brother, being a few years older than you, started his own family the summer after your parents passed. He has a beautiful wife and two children now, one boy and one girl. They got right to baby-making after they got married, so excited to start a family of their own. Unfortunately, that family never included you. You only know of their children because you’re mutuals with your sister-in-law on social media.

Your brother essentially ghosted you after his first child was born. You two were never the closest sibling duo, but you never expected him to completely drop you and ignore your existence. But he did, and that's just something you have learned to live with.

You were not in a healthy place after all this happened. You had no one to go to when your heart was breaking, grieving the loss of both your dead and alive family members. You put all your focus into the trainee program, all your sadness and anger towards the world into your dance and song. Chan eventually found you on that one fateful day that you deemed saved your life. You were at the lowest of your low, and you thought you had finally reached your breaking point, but then walked in Christopher Bang Chan, all smiles and laughter. He recruited you to be in his group as one of the first, right after Han. From then on, you had another reason to keep going, to keep fighting.

You've never told the guys this. You have always been a more reserved member, keeping all of your personal life out of the spotlight. While the boys never heard you talk much about your family, really only knowing you have a brother, they always thought that, when you went home for the holidays, you went home to a nice big house filled with love. They thought when you walked in the doors to your childhood home, you were welcomed in by your parents with opened arms, beckoning you in. They thought you spent your Christmas mornings opening nicely wrapped presents, followed by a home-cooked breakfast that'd be shared amongst your family.

They didn't know of the single bedroom apartment you called yours. They didn't know of the bareness that captured your living room, baren of all things Christmas and the lack of Christmas cookies and presents on Christmas Day. They didn't know you've always spent your holidays alone.

Honestly, you were completely fine with their assumptions. You didn't need nor want their pity. Your family was still an incredibly sensitive topic to you. Before their passing, you were so very close. You'd spent every holiday together, enjoying your time as a family, doing all the cliche things. You'd even gone caroling a few times, walking around your childhood neighborhood singing the classic Christmas songs off-key to your friendly neighbors.

Afraid you'd spiral, leading you right back to how you'd been before Chan found you, you never brought it up, and the boys never pushed you to talk about your family. They figured you were normal with a mom, dad, and a loving brother-so what's to talk about?

The holidays have never felt the same; you knew they wouldn't. So why try? Why go through the effort of making yourself a nice Christmas dinner, attending church on Christmas eve and waking up early Christmas morning, when you knew your parents wouldn't be there to greet you. When you knew your grandmother wouldn't be there to give you the biggest hug she could muster in her old age. When your grandfather wouldn't be there to give you a hearty pat on the back, his only true form of physical affection you'd ever experienced in all your years with him.

A quiet knock pulls you out of your thoughts, and in walks Felix with a glass of milk in hand. You quickly set down the picture frame you didn't realize you were still holding and give him a warm smile.

"Hey, what's up?" you ask him, taking the glass from him and sipping on the cold beverage.

"I just wanted to make sure you were feeling alright. You've been pretty distant for a couple weeks now. Is everything ok?"

You're a little caught off guard, this being the first time anyone's noticed your pulling back since the beginning of December. You honesty didn't even realize anyone was paying attention to you, all of them too caught up in the festive activities and excitement of the season.

"Yea, I mean, I'm fine. Just a bit of seasonal depression," you write off his concerns.

"I didn't know you had that," Felix ponders his thoughts for a minute, giving you a loving look. "Is there anything I can do to help? Have you always had seasonal depression?"

While looking into Felix's warm, brown eyes, you decide that keeping all these things from them all these years has been unfair. They're never afraid of sharing their personal struggles with you. You think back to all the times Han's came to you with anxiety, and how you've wanted nothing more than to take away all his worry and pain. How Seungmin's came to you with his insecurities, and you always hyping him up, calling him the most beautiful boy. If any of them had kept their struggling to themselves, it'd crush you. How dare they feel like they couldn't come to you? Why would they want to struggle alone?

You realize that these feelings are most definitely reciprocated by the guys. Now, feeling vulnerable after being left alone with your thoughts for so long, you have the dire urge to come clean about your family.

"Actually Felix, I've been struggling with this for quite some time now. Can you, maybe just, listen? I've never talked to anyone about this, but I want to now. I want you guys to know," you fiddle with your hands, sliding one of your rings on and off your finger.

"Of course! You can always talk to me. Go ahead, I'm listening." He grabs your hand, halting your fidgeting. You look up at him, take a deep breath, and let it all out. Everything you've been holding onto these last few years. It probably sounds like word vomit, all your feelings and hardships falling out of your mouth at lightning speed. You finish your rambling, and you finally have the courage to look up at his face again.

He's crying. Equipped with all the theatrics, the wobbly lip and rosy cheeks. You made Felix cry with all your problems. You reach up to his cheek, wiping a few of his falling tears.

"Ok, I think I'm done," you freeze as Felix also brings his index finger up to your cheek. You flinch when he pulls away, seeing the dampness of it.

You're crying, too. You didn't even realize. I mean, it makes sense. You just trauma dumped all of your troubles onto Felix, the world's most renowned empath, of course you'd be crying.

You guys sit in silence for a minute, before Felix's whimpers become audible. He's so visibly distraught, and your heart breaks even more just at the mere sight of him.

He launches himself at you, clinging to you so tightly you think your ribs may crack. He tackles you back onto the bed, resting on top of you.

"Why did you never tell us this?" his sobs wreck through his body, his arms trembling around you, "We could've helped you."

"I was scared," you wriggle one of your arms free of his embrace, using it to affectionately run your hand through his hair. Your sobs join together as one, both of you a mess. "I was scared you guys would pity me, or look at me less. I was scared that I'd spiral again if I talked about it."

"Well, we're here now, Jagiya." He sits up after a few minutes. His cries have quieted, and so have yours. "We aren't going to let you continue going through this alone, ya know. We are one, and if one of us is hurting, we're all hurting. Please don't keep things like this from us anymore." He begs, standing from the bed. He grabs your hand and pulls you up, making his way towards the door.

"Where are we going?" your voice shakes and you pull away from Felix, standing in the middle of Chan's room. You wrap your arms around your middle, feeling more exposed than you ever have before.

"You know we have to tell the rest of them. They deserve to know, too."

"Felix, I don't think I can tell the story again. Once was enough for a lifetime."

"OK, do you feel comfortable with me telling them? I'll tell them exactly what you told me, no more, no less, ok?"

You frantically nod your head, grateful for Felix's suggestion.

He blows you a playful kiss, no doubt trying to make you feel better, and he leaves to go to the living room. You take your seat back down on the side of the bed and wait patiently for Felix to finish.

You don't hear much for the next few minutes, but you're startled by the swinging open of the door, the handle cracking against Chan's poor wall. Han stands there, a dazed look on his face. His glassy eyes meet yours, and you shriek when he takes off, leaping onto the bed onto your small frame. He wraps you up in a big hug, squeezing the life out of you.

"We love you, and we'd never want you to struggle alone. We're in this life together."

One by one, the rest of the guys make their way into the room onto the bed. We're haphazardly thrown into a cuddle pile of sorts. A cuddle pile filled with the love and adoration you've been missing during the holidays.

You all lay in each other's arms, and you feel incredibly comfortable and safe. Chan's the first to break the silence, "We have five days left until Christmas. What do you say we make some new Christmas traditions? We don't want to replace what you used to have, and you’re entitled to spend your Christmas season as you'd like. But, if you'll let us, we’ll give you something to look forward to about the holidays again. Please?" The guys are all looking at you now, each of them displaying a face that could rival a sad puppy.

You realize now that there's nothing to be scared of. These are your best friends you're talking about, who want nothing but to shower you in love and happiness.

"I'd love that."

Part 2

[vdlest]

Definition of Heaven

Characters:

Husband!Bucky Barnes x Wife!Reader

Summary:

You found out you were pregnant with Bucky's baby when the blip took place. You keep the baby and raised him by yourself. You have always believed that Bucky will come back to you and your son, Gabriel. Five years later, the Avengers won, Bucky came home to you and Gabriel.

Warning:

Fluff

For the past 5 years, it has always been just you, your son, Gabriel, and the rest of the Avengers like Nat and Steve. You found out you were pregnant with Bucky's child when the blip took place, and during that time, Bucky was in Wakanda and that's where he vanished in thin air just like everyone else who got snapped out because of the son of a bitch creature, Thanos.

It was Steve who told you that Bucky vanished as well, so you told him about your situation, about your pregnancy. He and Nat suggested that you stay with them in the compound to make sure your safe pregnancy and to help you as well throughout your journey to motherhood, which you happily agreed on. You stayed with them and they helped you a lot, they made your journey easier, however, the thought of Bucky is still in your mind and your heart. You always miss him, and you told yourself you'll always love him.

After nine months of nurturing and sheltering your baby inside you, you finally gave birth to a handsome healthy baby boy. When you saw your baby's blue eyes, you knew he got it from Bucky. You ended up naming him Gabriel, the name of your late grandfather who raised you after your parents died. Gabriel gave light to your darkness, not just to you but to everyone else like Nat and Steve. You did everything to raise him well, a strong and brave one, who's not afraid to do what is right and good. His first crawl, first step, first walk, first word, you witness them all, and you wished Bucky did too.

Five years later, Steve and Nat had a strong belief that they can actually bring everyone back but it's high-risk. With the help of the remaining avengers, Clint, Thor, Bruce, and the shrinking guy, Scott or he calls himself the Ant-man, they were able to retract all the infinity stones in the past, but like what was mentioned, it's high-risk. Nat risked her life to be able to get the soul stone. Losing her broke your heart, she's like a sister to you. But she's not the only avenger who fell, Tony Stark did too when he snapped his fingers to save everyone.

Despite the pain of losing two important people in your life, Bucky came home to you and your son. When he found out about Gabriel, he instantly kneeled in front of your son as he introduces himself as his father. You could still remember how Gabriel answered him, I know, I always see your picture on mom's locket. Then, your Gabriel opened his arms to give Bucky, his dad, a hug of a lifetime. You can't help but feel emotional while watching them meet each other. Bucky may not be able to see him for the past five years, you know, he would make it up to both of you, especially to Gabriel.

•••

The morning breeze embraces your body as you go out on your room's balcony to have your morning coffee. The two boys are still sleeping in the master's bedroom of the house that you and Bucky bought after the blip. Your view is the sun shining above the small village you are living in, just like how the sun shines on the world again after five years of darkness.

After Tony's funeral, everything happened so fast. You, Bucky, and Gabriel reunite as a family, just like everyone else did with theirs. Bucky did everything to make it up to you and Gabriel, he worked hard and you both finally had the means to move into your dream house and here you are now, living in the life you wanted for so long.

"Perfect view, isn't it?"

You turned around and saw Bucky about to join you on the balcony. He's wearing his white shirt and his favorite pajamas.

"Good morning," you greeted him, "I thought you are still asleep with Gabriel inside, I didn't want to wake you up. You two are like snoring machines," you joked.

He chuckled as he makes his way towards where you are standing.

You and Bucky were able to pick up where you left off everything before the blip. You two became inseparable after the blip, both of you are scared of losing one another again. You haven't talked about getting married yet but you are already happy and contented with the life you have right now, it's like you're living in heaven already beside your two angels.

As he comes closer to you, he grabs your mug and placed it on top of a table, afterwards, he put both of your hands around his neck and his hands are on your waist. You two almost look like dancing.

Being five years away from him was like living in hell, you always miss him and there were nights when you'll just cry yourself to sleep. But when Gabriel came into your life, you knew you had to be strong for both of you. You just silently hope that one day, Bucky will find his way home to you. And he did.

He stared at you, a smile on his face, "Did I ever say thank you to you?" he suddenly asked.

You frowned, "Thank you?" you chuckled, "For what?"

"For being the love of my life, for choosing me, for bringing Gabriel to our lives, for living this life with me," he put strands of hair at the back of your ear as he cups your cheeks, "Thank you for being so brave all these years. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for loving me unconditionally," he said while staring at your eyes wistfully.

There he is again. Being sentimental about the time he lost and the time he could've been with you to support you.

He always feels so sorry for not being there for you when you found out that you're having a baby, for not being there when you're experiencing morning sickness, for not being by your side when you are screaming at the top of your lungs as you push Gabriel out of your womb. You understood his regrets but you have always believed that he may not be physically there, he is there with you, he's inside your heart.

"I could've been there for you when you found out that you're pre--"

You put your finger on top of his lips and shushed him, "Stop it, will you?" You removed your finger on his lips, moving your hands on both of his cheeks, "How many times do I have to tell you that you should stop saying those things? Bucky, we are here and you'll never lose us again. We'll never lose each other again," you vowed. "And you don't have to thank me for those reasons you mentioned because I did those things out of love, out of my love for you," you rested your forehead against his chin, "I did those things because I love you."

"And I love you too," he murmured, feeling his kiss on your forehead, "I love you and Gabriel more than my own life."

Bucky being a father to Gabriel is amazing. You could see his eagerness to make it up to him not just by giving him toys or any tangible things, but by giving him the attention, time, and love your son deserves. There were times you'd see him reading books about fatherhood and how to be a good father. You could really see his great effort to get to know fatherhood even more.

"Dad, Mom?"

You and Bucky slightly pulled away from each other as you both hear Gabriel behind the two of you.

"Hey, munchkin," you detach yourself from Bucky, as both of you make your way towards to doorframe where your son is standing in his pajamas. You and Bucky kneeled in front of your son, "Had a good sleep?" you asked him, fixing his messy brown hair.

"Yes, I had a good dream too!" Gabriel excitedly said, switching his eyes between you and Bucky.

Bucky pulled Gabriel in between the two of you, "Can you tell me and your mom about your dream?" he asked.

Gabriel nodded, still smiling from ear to ear, "I dreamed of seeing mommy in a beautiful white gown, and you're wearing a white suit, daddy," he said while excitement is still in his eyes. "I also saw Uncle Steve, Uncle Clint, Uncle Sam, Aunt Wanda, and the rest of your friends!" he added.

You and Bucky exchanged glances when you both heard what Gabriel's dream is about.

"What else did you see?" Bucky asked while his eyes are still looking at you.

"You and Mommy kissed," Gabriel continued then he sighed, "Then Daddy said he will take care of you forever, he will make you happy every single day."

You and Bucky kept on staring at each other while Gabriel is talking about his dream, that you two are getting married in his dream. The two of you haven't talked about getting married just yet, but Bucky already gave you his word and you have faith in him.

Gabriel went inside again to brush his teeth, leaving you and Bucky on the balcony again.

Bucky stood up and helped you next to stand up as well. He held both of your hands once you are both standing in front of each other.

"Our son's growing nonstop," Bucky reflected.

You nodded, "I know," you playfully pouted your lips, "Our baby is growing too fast."

"So what do you say about giving him a little sister or a little brother?" he teased you, then he planted a kiss on the back of your hand, "Or should we plan our wedding first?"

"Are you really sure this is what you want?" you asked him, your smile slowly fading away.

Bucky's brows furrowed, "What do you mean?" he seems puzzled. "What do you mean if I'm sure if this is what I want?" he added.

You took a deep breath, "Bucky, I just want to be sure you really want this whole thing, me as your wife, us as one family. Not that I don't trust you or I don't want you to, but I just want to make sure that I'm not forcing you to do this," you stuttered.

"Y/n, you're confusing me."

"Okay," you sighed, "Bucky, before the blip, we are together, right? It wasn't really our plan to have a baby, but it happened anyway. Gabriel is the biggest blessing for us, I just don't want you to think that you have an obligation to me, to marry me just because you have a baby with me. I want you to marry me for the right reason, not because I have your child." Your hand moved on top of his, "Bucky, I love you. You know that, right? But I don't want to pressure you into enteri--"

"Look, y/n," he said, stopping you from finishing your sentence, "I know this wasn't our original plan, this wasn't I had in my mind five years ago when I thought of us and our future, but I couldn't think of any best way of having a future with you. Before the blip, I kept on asking myself why I had to go through those pain all those years, and when I met you, I finally understood why. Those pain will bring me to you, my lightbringer. Now, I have more reason to let go of my past, I have you and Gabriel now. I have both of you as my family," he walked closer to you and cupped your face, "And don't think that I am marrying you as an obligation or what because it would be my pleasure and my honor to marry an amazing woman. I will marry you, not because you are the mother of my child but because I want you to be my wife, I want to see you every single time I wake up and before I go to sleep. I want to grow old with you and it may sound cliche as it is, it's true. I want to spend my life with you."

His words made your worries disappeared. His words made you believe that he's the guy who would make all your worries and doubts vanish in thin air.

"So I gonna ask you now," he let of your face and he removed his dog tags around his neck, "Will you marry me?"

It was a spontaneous proposal. He doesn't have a ring with him, but all he could offer and give you are his dog tags. It may not be the usual way of proposing to women, but you couldn't think of any best alternative for that one. Anyway, you like uniqueness.

You smiled at him, "Yes, I will marry you, James Buchanan Barnes."

Bucky pulled you towards him and kissed your forehead, "I love you," he said before kissing your lips next.

After he kissed you, he puts on his dog tags around your neck.

"I knew it will look more good on you," he said, staring at his dog tags on your neck.

You chuckled, "I love you, Bucky."

He pulled you towards him for a hug and you knew at that very moment, you have everything you'll ever gonna need in your life.

Having Bucky and your son, Gabriel by your side forever is your definition of heaven.

-v.dl

[partywithgyu]

TXT REACTION.

Work keeping them away from their S/O.

//Gender neutral.//

//Mentions of a sprained ankle and stress.//

Choi Yeonjun. 

You knew, Yeonjun loved you. He had told you that so many times. You loved him too. There was something else that you two gave a lot of attention to; your careers. Well, that's how things can be in this world. However, Yeonjun was kept more occupied than you. Having time to spend with him, but him being busy often led to disappointment. Yeonjun knew that. 

On this very night, he waited outside your apartment for you. The lift opened to reveal your drunk self, holding onto your bestie. The other two smiled at each other. "Thanks for dropping me," you sang to your bestie who just chuckled. "Your turn to be the designated driver next time." "Ay. Ay. Captain." 

"You should have told me you were coming," you whined as you looked for the apartment key in your bag. "I wanted to surprise you, babe. I missed you," he said as he watched you hand him the key. Your lips curved into a small child like smile. "Open it for me." He clicked his tongue, taking the key from your hand. "I told you I missed you. Tell me you missed me too," he complained making you chuckle. "I wanna pee. Open the door!" "First tell me you missed me." "I miss you a lot all the time. Now open." 

Well, he was kind enough to open the door after. The two then stuck to the night routine before laying on the bed. It was after days that you were laying beside him. It felt nice. You didn't enjoy laying by yourself all alone. Especially on nights when sleep deserted you. That's when you felt the loneliest. He noticed the way you had shifted so close to him. There was a small smile on your face as he wrapped his arm around you. "So cozy. I haven't been sleeping well for the past few days," you said to him. "Why?," he asked in a soft tone. His lips curved to a small frown. "I don't know. Have you been sleeping well?" 

"Not really. I was busy. That's not important," he said. "You know what's more important than that?," he added. You were laying with your eyes shut, all ready to doze off. He watched your mouth open to answer his question. "Your career."

He was silent. He didn't like listening to that. It hurt him to hear those words but that's how things had been. Guilt overtook him. He felt guilty about letting you feel like you weren't the important thing he was talking about. He felt guilty about not making enough time. Perhaps, he had not been reminding you about his love for you enough. He had to. Placing a kiss on your forehead, he promised himself to spend the next day, that he had as an off, with you. He would prioritize you and remind you that you still meant a lot to him. 

Choi Soobin. 

He was away quite often he knew. His work kept him busy. He still tried to always be a reliable person to you. He was someone you could trust and always ask for help. He thought he was doing a good job until he came to know of the secret you were hiding. More like, a sprained ankle. 

It was a bright day at work and everything seemed to be going well. As time consuming as it was, his work didn't always seem a burden. He enjoyed it. And then he got to know in a conversation with his mother, during his break time. She mentioned running into you. Unfortunately for you, she didn't forget to mention the cast you were wearing on your leg. "Cast?" he had asked his mom. You had sprained your ankle. To prevent any more damage to your ligament you had to wear it. However, did you have to stress Soobin? "You didn't know?" He was confused. You hadn't mentioned it to him. He was your boyfriend after all. So, he called you immediately. 

"Hello?" 

"Love, are you wearing a cast?" 

"Um? Yeah." The hesitation in your voice was painfully clear. You had very clearly been hiding it from him. He didn't like that. 

"What do you mean by yeah? What happened? How did you get hurt?" 

"Bin. It's not that bad. I fell down that's all. It'll be off in a few days. It's just a bad sprain. Don't worry about it." 

"Don't worry about it? Why wouldn't you tell me that? Why did I hear it from someone else? Tell me." He was angry. This was a rare occurrence. He wasn't the kind to get so irritated and talk like that. In this situation, you knew you were to be blamed. However, you did have your own reasons. 

"You're busy and I didn't want to add to your stress." 

"I am never too busy for you."

"You are. Let's admit it, okay? I am not saying you have to pick between me or your career. I know it's how it is but it's difficult for me too. So, don't yell." 

You were right, he knew. It's not like he could leave the building and head to meet you after getting to know about the injury. You were the one who got injured after all. It took him a few seconds to realize that he might have overreacted. 

"I am sorry. I didn't mean to yell. I just got a little worried. I want to take care of you, you know?" 

"It's fine." "Really?" "Yeah. I said, it's fine," you said to him softly. You couldn't stay mad at him. Especially after listening to those sweet words. You wished he was around you more often. You really missed him. 

"You sound a little sad," he said softly. 

"I miss you a lot," you confessed. The shift in your tone made his heart sink. He couldn't bear listening to you be that sad. "I miss you too. I think there are chances that we have a late schedule tomorrow. I'll come over to your house then, okay?" 

"Yes please." Just the thought of getting to meet him again made you so happy. He smiled on hearing the excitement in your tone. "I have to go now. Break is over. Take care, okay? Love you," he said to you. " "Okay." "And?" "I love you too." 

Later that night, you opened the door to your boyfriend who brought with him snacks and ice-cream. 

Choi Beomgyu. 

Beomgyu had been busy with interviews. Along with the other boys, he spent hours sitting in front of the camera, filming. Then, he had to shoot for To Do. Then, he had to learn Japanese. Then, it was time for a songwriting session. 

As he sat in the studio thinking of a concept to write about, he thought of you. Work wasn't as bad. He still wished he was with you. It would be nice if he could spend at least a small amount of time with you. He wanted to. Yet, he didn't really know if he could tell you those words directly. He knew staying away from each other for such a long time could be tough for you too. 

He started writing. The words came to him so easily. The feeling had lingered for a while. It was while writing that he found himself asking why had you not left him yet. He gulped as he stared at those words. Did you deserve to adjust that much? Was he selfish for wanting you to stay? 

Even the others boys could tell there was something on his mind as they packed up to leave, past midnight. As soon as they reached home, he pulled out his phone to dial your number. Lucky for him, you hadn't fallen asleep yet. "Hey sweetie," you said to him. A smile took over his face when he heard you call him that. "Hi love. Why aren't you asleep?" "I was finishing some work. And then got busy going through memes on instagram." He clicked his tongue. "You will remain short if you don't sleep early." 

Seated on his bed, he engaged in the conversation. "I don't think I can grow any taller," you said. He sighed. "Kids nowadays," he commented. "Shut up, you grandpa." He chuckled. A yawn escaped your mouth. He could hear it over the phone. "Isn't it annoying?," he asked you. "What is?" "We don't spend a lot of time together," he said to you. He felt nervous about highlighting the fact to you. 

"It is slightly. It would be more annoying if you were in a field you didn't like. It would be more annoying, if I would act like a fool and give up on you just like that. We're not like couples straight out of a movie but it's fine. We're us. And this is how things are."

As always, he found comfort in your assurance. "You're my soulmate."

Kang Taehyun. 

Taehyun and you both knew that his job could keep him away for sometime. That didn't mean that he wouldn't try to be the best boyfriend to you. He would be a  rather responsible one. Even if he wasn't in town, he would remember to text you whenever he was free. He could always tell how your day was going. 

So, on this particular day as you replied to his text with one word replies, he could tell you weren't in the best mood. Even when he was in another city, he could tell you were trying to act like you were okay, he could tell. "I'll be back," he said to Kai who was laying on the bed next to his. He headed out of the room to the pool side. It was after a few days that they had free time. He planned on calling you anyway. 

"Hey," he said to you over the phone. "Hi," you said in a tone not so light. To him it sounded like you were pretending to be cheerful when you were tired. "Are you okay?," he asked. "No. I am Y/N." He clicked his tongue on listening to the dad joke. "You're an idiot. That's what you are," he said. "Hey! Do you wanna fight or something?," you asked playfully. "Sure. Don't challenge me babe." 

A small laugh, he heard. "Seriously, are you fine?" "I wouldn't say I am not fine," you said to him. You were sitting in a chair, before a table. On the table was a laptop, books, papers, so much work for you to get done. "I am a little stressed. I have so much work to get done with," you let him know. He sighed. He knew you used to stay as busy as him. If anything, you were as likely to over work as much as he was. It was something he didn't really like. He knew what it felt like though. 

"Do you leave the house? Have you been going for walks?," he asked you. The cold night breeze surrounded him as he looked at the beautiful view of the blue pool under the night sky. "You're not here. I don't like going for walks unless it's with you." "I know I am a very fun person. I still think you should exercise a little at least," he said. "I don't feel like leaving the house. Maybe, I'll exercise at home. It's just I have so much work to get done with. I don't feel like getting physically tired, you know?" 

"Baby, take breaks." It was a command more than a suggestion. "I don't--" "You have to. You'll get burnt out otherwise." "I don't have anything to do." "Don't worry about that," he assured you. "It's late now. Keep your phone aside and sleep, okay?" "I-" "Okay?" "Okay." "Good. Sweet dreams love." "You too. Goodnight Tae." 

The next day, in the evening, you got delivered a package. It was from Tae. That's what the label on top said. The package was filled with a few coloring books and water coloring pens. It left you surprised by how considerate he was. It was the perfect way to fill your break time. It was heartwarming how caring he was. Even when he was away, he managed to take care of you. 

Huening Kai. 

Kai felt bad. He really did. He didn't mean to forget your birthday. He just happened to have been so busy keeping track of tasks that he forgot to keep track of the date. You spent the day feeling sad. There was some hope, you tried to have. Even a text was enough to make you less sad. He didn't even text you. 

The next day when he realized that he had forgotten about your birthday, he rushed to your house as soon as he left work. With him he carried a bag of chocolate. You sighed as you opened the door for him. You hadn't been replying to his texts, for him to realize that he had done something wrong. Honestly, it wasn't the best feeling. So, you didn't put efforts into pretending like you weren't disappointed. 

"I am so sorry," he said as he watched your expression. "It was a mistake. I totally forgot about it." He didn't like the way you silently watched him. You didn't look like you were going to accept his apology this quickly. "That's the least you can do. You're away all the time, Kai. We barely meet and now you're forgetting about important days," you went on. "I won't forget about you, if that's where you're leading," he said softly. That's where you were leading. You just shut your lips because you didn't know what to say to that. 

"Please let me in?," he said to you. He had been standing outside all this time. You opened the door. You did feel silly getting mad over the fact that he forgot your birthday. You knew, it wasn't on purpose. It didn't feel nice to be forgotten though. "Just to be clear, do you forgive me?," he asked. You didn't say anything. "Come on. We're meeting after so many days, don't give me the silent treatment," he whined. He then held up a paper bag. "Look, I made these while filming today. You'll like it," he said as he held it up. You were a little curious. Also, you had been missing him. So, you gave in. 

"What is it?," you asked. He held back his laugh as he handed it to you. You looked in the bag to see cutely wrapped chocolates. You kept the box of chocolate pavé on the table while Kai took off his shoes. "Can you stay over?," you asked him. He wished he could. As he watched you look at him hoping he could, he felt even worse about it. "Sorry. I have an early schedule tomorrow but next week-" "You'll try to find time. You always say that. Take your chocolates and leave." 

"Don't say that," he said as he headed to the washroom to wash his hands. "I have two days off next week," he said. Well, that sounded good to you. "Really?" "Yes," he sang as he walked out with his wet hands. "Don't be sad. Here have some pavé," he said as he held up the box with his hands that were still wet. He pulled open the cover. Somehow the box slipped. It fell on the floor. The chocolate pavé too was on the floor. "Huening Kai, I swear to God." 

‹•.•›

To head to my masterlist click here.

[imaginationintowords]

Folklore [song series]

this is me trying

Modern Day AU! Steve Rogers x OC!Reader; Bucky Barnes x Natasha Romanoff

Plot: Inspired by Taylor Swift’s new album folklore. The story follows the timeline of Bucky and Elizabeth’s life throughout the years.

word count: 3592

[a/n: I’m so sorry that it’s taken me so long to update this and my other story. i’ve been busy with school and work. thank you for your continued patience and support]

previous part

Series Masterlist

Age: 20 Year: Dec. 2014 Location: Brooklyn, NY

"How have you been James?”

Bucky looks out the window to his right. Hands grasped together in his lap as he sits on the dark green sofa across from the woman he's been seeing for the last 5 months.

He ponders the question, making sure to answer it honestly. He looks back at her giving her his full attention again.

"Good," he answers truthfully, a small smile planted on his face. Life has been good. School is going incredibly well. My job is going better than I could've imagined. Really learning a lot."

"How are things going with Natasha?" The older lady asks.

“Great. Really great," Bucky says with a slightly bigger smile.

"Good. I'm glad to hear that," she smiles back, proud to the see progress James has made since his first visit moths ago.

After the blow up he and Steve had, Bucky fell into a depressive state. He refused to talk to anyone about what had happened. It wasn't until his younger sister Rebecca came to talk to him:

"I get you don't want to talk to any of us about what happened last week," she said as Bucky laid in bed looking out the window, his back facing her, "But you can't just stay in bed, hiding for the world. Starving yourself isn't going to solve anything.

"Sulking is only going to make you worse. It's not healthy, Buck. We're all worried. Ma is incredibly worried. She's barely been eating. I hear her wandering the house at all hours, because she can't sleep."

"You don't want to talk to us, fine. But you need to talk to someone. If not for yourself, but for Ma. Please," she begs, before leaving Bucky alone to ponder what she said.

He knew he wasn't coping the healthy way. He hadn't realized how much he was affecting his family by shutting down. The last thing he wanted to do was worry his mother. So he got himself up, took a shower, ate breakfast with his family. They were surprised to see him come down, but tried not to draw any extra attention to it. Rebecca gave him an understanding nod, which he reciprocated. After breakfast, he began his research. He decided to listen to Rebecca's advice and find someone to talk to someone to help him make sense of what is going on in his mind.

And that's how he ended up in Dr. Abraham's office.

"Have you contacted Steve yet?" She asks.

"No," he answered fiddling with his fingers, "I feel embarrassed about the way I reacted."

"That's normal, James," she assured him, "But in order to repair any damage that's been cost, you need to talk to Steve. To move forward. From what you've told me he's a very understanding person. I'm sure once you've apologized and explain to him the steps you've taken to help your mental health, I'm sure he'd be willing to accept you back into his life."

"I'm not so sure," he looked down at his hands.

"You won't know until you've tried. Listen, I'm not here to tell you what to do or what not to do. I'm just here to help you navigate your thoughts a little better. In a more healthy way. If you're really serious about living a more healthier mental life, I think you should talk to him. You don't want to really throw this lifelong friendship away, do you?"

"No, I don't," he shakes his head.

"Good. Remember to be honest," she tells him, "Vulnerability isn't a bad thing. Your feelings aren't a nuisance. it's how you handle them is what matters. I'm not saying you have to talk to him as soon as you walkout of here. I just want you to start making the notion of doing so. Our time is just about up, how about we do this. Some homework for the week.

"I want you to write a letter to Steve. Bring it in next week, you don't have to read it. But I would like to discuss it. What do you say?"

"Okay, I could do that," he agreed.

Christmas week

Steve and Elizabeth flew back home a few days before Christmas. They put their bags in the trunk of their rental car.

The car ride was silent for awhile, both tired after a long flight, now sitting in traffic on their way back to their parents' place. This would be their first time back to Brooklyn since the whole Bucky situation. The road trip back to California was fun, but there was a looming sadness over Steve. It's not like he regrets standing up to Bucky he doesn't. He just wishes thing would've played out differently. He really wished Bucky would've talked to him before he left back to California.

"How are you feeling about being back?" Elizabeth asks, while they sat in traffic.

"I don't know," Steve sighs, "Feels weird going back home and not talking to Bucky."

"Maybe you should try calling him. It's been a few months. I'm sure he'd be willing to hear you out," she said, rubbing his right arm.

"I don't want to push him," Steve said through gritted teeth, his grip on the steering wheel getting tighter.

Bucky had been a touchy subject the last few months. During the first month Elizabeth would ask Steve if he'd heard from him, the answer always being no, followed by Steve shutting down. After that Elizabeth stopped asking, noticing how much it was affecting Steve, but the constant reminder of it wasn't helping. She knew that if Bucky ever did call, Steve would tell her. The only thing she could do was be patient and be there for Steve whenever he needed her.

The holidays kept everyone busy. On Christmas Eve. Steve spent it with Elizabeth's family at her grandma's house. Elizabeth found herself watching Steve play with her younger cousins, she couldn't help but giggle when they roped him into a tea party. She found herself imagining a future where Steve would do the same with their own children. She quickly shook the daydream away. Reprimanding herself a little for even thinking about kids at their young age.

On Christmas morning Elizabeth and Steve spent it with his parents. It was a nice peaceful day just lounging around in their pajamas. For dinner, Elizabeth's parents went over to have dinner at the Rogers' house. It was a nice little send off dinner for their parents who were leaving for Mexico to spend the New Years for a couples' getaway.

Elizabeth and Steve were heading to the Hamptons to spent NYE with Wanda, Thor, Loki, and Scott. They had planned to have a nice, peaceful trip.

While Steve and Elizabeth were at the Hamptons, Bucky and Natasha were spending their NYE at his family's beach cottage in Port Washington.

They were cuddled on the couch surrounded by take out containers, watching the New Years Eve special waiting for midnight to happen.

Bucky got up about 15 minutes to midnight to grab something from the kitchen. He walked back into the room with a new bottle of champagne and two champagne flutes.

"Got some champagne," he said holding it up for Natasha to see.

"Um," Natasha awkwardly shifted in her seat, "Actually about that."

Bucky looked at Nat confused, putting the bottle and flutes down on the coffee table before sitting back down next to her.

"What's wrong" he asked, grabbing the tv remote to mute the tv, and give Natasha his full undivided attention.

"So there's something I haven't told you," she says looking down at her fidgeting fingers.

"You're worrying me Nat," Bucky said, grabbing her hands to help ease her nerves

She looked up to meet his worry filled eyes.

"I'm pregnant," she announced.

Bucky eyes widen at her announcement, instantly dropping her hands. The look on her face showing she was telling the truth.

"How is that possible?" He asks in disbelief, "We've been so careful. We use double the protection. Condoms and you're on the pill."

"Actually about that," she nervously shifted under his intense gaze, "I haven't been on birth control in a little over two months."

"What?" Bucky yelled, quickly rising from his seat, "What do you mean you haven't been on birth control in a little over two months?"

"I got off of it," she shrugged trying to play it off, "It's my body and I can do what I want with it. And I just wanted to give my body a break, I've been on the pill since I was 15."

"I get it's your body, Natasha, I'm all for you doing whatever you want," he stresses, "but you should've told me. I'm your boyfriend, we have sex frequently. You should've at least had the respect of your sexual partner, letting him know that you were no longer on birth control. So in that case I could've been a tad more careful."

"We were using condoms," she half heartedly defended herself.

"They aren't 100% effective Natasha," he gripped his hair, in complete disbelief over this entire conversation, "You even know that. That also doesn't defend yourself for not telling me. You should've told me."

"I'm sorry. It's not like I was planning for this to happen," she yelled.

Bucky just stared at her like she just grew two heads. How is she not freaking out, he thought. They were clearly way too young for this. Which is why they took precautionary measures.

After a few moments of silence Natasha spoke up, "I'm keeping the baby."

Bucky didn't know what to say. He felt the room closing in on him. He started having a hard time catching his breath.

"James," Natasha quietly said, getting up to check on him. He raised his hand, silently telling her to stay where she's at.

He headed for the back door, the house felt too suffocating for him. He walked through the the small yard to the gate that led to the beach. Stumbling around.

To a stranger they would just think he's drunk. In reality he was just having a panic attack.

It was all too much. His mind was racing.

She's pregnant. With a baby. My baby. I'm going to have a kid. I'm going to be a dad. I'm not ready to be a dad. My dad was shit. God I can't be like my dad. I'm not ready for all of this.

He put his hands on his knees, hunched over trying to catch his breath. But he just couldn't. He did the only thing he could think of. He pulled out his phone and dialed the only person he knew would help.

Steve and Elizabeth were laughing with their friends, waiting for the countdown to begin. Steve felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. He moved his shoulder off of the back of the couch, where Elizabeth was cuddled up against.

He pulled his phone out and his heart dropped at the name that appeared. He quickly got up and walked out of the living room and upstairs to the room where he was staying in for the week.

Wanda raised her eyebrow at Elizabeth, who just shrugged her shoulders, equally as confused.

"Bucky?" Steve answered the phone, closing the door behind him. He could hear Bucky hyperventilating on the other side.

"Steve," he tried to get out.

"Buck, what's wrong?" Steve asked, pressing the phone even closer to his ear the sound of everyone downstairs counting down to midnight.

"Steve, I-," Bucky was struggling to get out.

"Buck, please try to calm down," Steve stressed, "Inhale, hold it for a few seconds and then exhale. You need to calm down. I can't help you, if I can't understand you."

Bucky tried his best to calm himself down, with Steve talking him through it.

"Now, can you explain to me what's wrong?" Steve asked, hearing Bucky's breathing leveling out more.

"I-I'm not re-ready Steve," Bucky stutters, sniffling his nose.

"It's okay take your time, I'm here whenever you're ready."

"No, it's Natasha.”

"What's Natasha? Is she okay?" Steve questioned, getting more concerned.

"Yes, she's fi-ine," he stuttered again, trying to say the words.

"Where are you Buck?" Steve asked, looking around for his shoes and keys.

"I'm at the beach cottage."

"I'm in the Hamptons. Is there any way you can meet me back at my place?"

"Yeah, I think I can," Bucky said a bit more calmer now.

"Okay, I'll see you soon."

When midnight struck Elizabeth went upstairs to check on Steve, making sure everything was okay. She could hear him on the phone talking to Bucky, trying to calm him down. She waited outside of the door to give them some privacy.

Twenty minutes later Wanda went to go check on them, to find Elizabeth sitting on the floor.

"Is everything okay?" She whispered.

"I don't know," she answered, "I'm waiting for Steve. You can head back down, I'll be down shortly."

"Okay. We're here if you guys need anything," Wanda said before walking back down.

After another 25 minutes Elizabeth heard Steve hang up the phone. She softly knocked on the door, and let herself in. She walked in to see Steve frantically going around the room collecting his things.

"Steve is everything okay?"

"It's Buck. He called me while he was having a panic attack. Something about Natasha," he tells her.

"Is she okay?"

"I think so. I was able to calm him down. I need to get back home," he said putting his things in his suitcase.

"Okay. I completely understand. Do you want me to go with you for the drive?" She asked.

"I don't want you to have to cut your time here short," he says, feeling guilty for bringing this on her.

"Steve, something is clearly going on with Bucky. I want you to go to him, but maybe it's best if I drove. I haven't had a drink in hours, and you seem too frantic. Please let me help," she pleaded, placing her hand on his stopping him.

Steve looked up and noticed the worry on Elizabeth's face.

"Okay," he gave in, "We'll need to leave as soon as we can."

Elizabeth nodded, quickly grabbing her weekender bag and start shoving things in. If they forgot anything's he knew Wanda would bring it back.

They said their quick goodbyes and were on the road within 5 minutes, with Elizabeth behind the wheel and Steve fidgeting in the passenger seat.

Bucky took a few minutes to himself on the beach, trying to make sure his anxiety was at rest before he headed back inside. When he entered the house, Natasha shot up from her seat.

"Happy New Years," she awkwardly said, trying to cut the obvious tension.

"Umm," Bucky scratched his head looking everywhere but at Natasha, "We need to leave."

"What?"

"I mean, you can stay if you want and I'll pick you up tomorrow," he rephrased, "But I can't stay here. I need to go. Steve is meeting me at his house."

"Steve?" She was taken back by that mention, not expecting to hear Bucky say his name. He hasn't mentioned Steve in months.

"Yeah, I called him," Bucky says rubbing the back of his neck.

"Well that's good right?"

"Yeah, listen. I really need to go, so are you going to stay or come with me?"

"To see Steve?"

"No. I would drop you off at your place," he tells her, "I'm seeing Steve alone."

"Will she be there?"

Natasha didn't really know exactly why Steve and Bucky weren't talking, at first. Then she heard that Steve and Elizabeth were dating, and it all made sense. The only person that could tear Bucky and Steve apart. She never told Bucky that she knew. Figured it wasn't worth the fight. Especially not now when she was carrying his child.

To an outsider it might seem like she got pregnant on purpose, but that wasn't the case. She knew they were too young for this, at least that's what she thought when she first found out about the pregnancy a week ago. But now that she's sat with it she's taking it as a sign that this is meant to happen. She's just really hoping that Bucky would see it, if not now but eventually.

"Listen, Natasha, I don't have time for this," he looks her in the eyes, "Are you coming or not?"

"I'll get my bag," she remarked with a snark tone, walking passed him to their shared room.

A couple of hours later Bucky was pulling up in front of the Rogers' house. 2:15 am read the clock in his car. He looked to his right, out the passenger side window to see a dark figure sat on the front steps of the house.

Bucky took one last breath before exiting the vehicle.

As soon as he opened the front gate Steve stood up from where he was sat on the stairs.

Once Bucky approached him both young men threw their arms around each other. Gripping each other tightly, fighting back the tears that threatened to fall. They stayed like that for awhile. Relishing in the comfort of being back in each other's arms. Their silent fight no longer important. All they knew in that moment was everything was going to be okay, because no matter what they'll always have each other.

Steve walked into his parents' living room holding two mugs of coffee. As he rounded the couch, he handed one to Bucky.

"Sorry, if I ruined any of your plans," Bucky apologized, "Tell Elizabeth I'm sorry for taking you away."

'Buck, don't worry about it," Steve waved him off, "She completely understands. And truth be told, I wasn't necessarily feeling in the New Year's mood."

"Yeah," Bucky sighs.

"Do you want to talk about what happened tonight?" Bucky nods his head, placing the coffee mug on the coffee table in front of him. He shifted his body to the left to face Steve.

"She's pregnant," he announces.

"What?" Steve asked, not expecting that to be the reason, he quickly placed his mug next to Bucky's.

"Yeah, my reaction exactly," Bucky said.

"What? How?"

"Apparently Natasha hasn't been on the pill in a couple of months," Bucky explains, "And even though we always used condoms, they aren't exactly 100% effective."

"Did you know she wasn't on the pill?"

"Nope," Bucky tells him, "If I knew I wouldn't been a bit more cautious."

"So she told you she was pregnant?" Steve said getting back to it.

"Yeah. She was so nonchalant about it. Like it was no big deal," Bucky stressed,

"How is she just so calm. We're not prepared for this. I'm not ready for this Steve. I can't be a dad. I don't even know how to be a decent human being."

"That's not true Buck," Steve disagreed.

"Come on Steve, we haven't talked in months, and we both know it's not because you didn't try," Bucky says, "I was so caught up in my own jealousy. And selfishness, that I never even considered your feelings or Elizabeth's. And I don't think I can ever make it up to you for treating you like you're nothing to me."

"You were hurt," Steve tried to excuse.

"Doesn't excuse the way I behaved," Bucky says, "I know that now."

"I've been seeing a therapist," Bucky informs him, "I never realized how much my mental health was taking a toll on those around me. So after our fight, I found someone to talk to. To work through the shit that's going on in my mind."

"How's that been going?" Steve asked.

"Good," Bucky gives a half smile, "Really good. She's good. I've realized a lot about myself that I didn't know. Working through all the issues I've had with my father leaving."

"That's good Buck. I'm proud of you, truly," Steve beamed, patting Bucky on the shoulder.

"I really am sorry for the way I behaved," Bucky repeated again.

"Buck, you really don't have to apologize again," Steve told him.

"I need to Steve," he said, "I can't believe I acted that way. I should've been happy for you and Elizabeth. I'm glad you two have each other. Seriously. I couldn't imagine her with anyone better, same goes for you. I won't cause any more issues for you two. It's not worth not having you in my life. You're my brother Steve, and I don't want to miss anything."

"Thanks, Buck. It really means a lot to me to hear that," Steve smiles, "Because I don't want to miss anything in your life also."

"Yeah, especially now," he says, the reality of why they're there dawning back.

"How are you feeling now about the baby?"

"I don't know, man," Bucky shakes his head, "I'm afraid I'm going to screw this up, like everything else."

"But now you're working on that," Steve reminds him, "And you're not going to be doing this alone. You have people who are always going to be there. I may be in California now, but I'm just a phone call away. You're not alone. But you do have to try Buck. That's all that you can ever do. Try your best, no one's asking you to be perfect, but as long as you're trying your best, that's what's important."

Age: 21 Year: 2015

The sounds of a baby crying woke Bucky up from his sleep in the early depths of the morning. He quietly and quickly got out of bed, making his way to the small New York kitchen to make a bottle.

He walked into the small nursery where the two-month-old baby wailed from hunger.

"It's okay," Bucky shushed gently, picking up the small baby, "Daddy's here."

He adjusted the small baby in his arms before placing the bottle in the baby's mouth.

"There you go," he encouraged the small one, as soon as he heard the sounds of the baby drinking.

Bucky sat down on the chair in the corner of the room, opposite of the crib. He just stared as the newborn drank their bottle, while simultaneously falling asleep. Even though he was completely exhausted, he had never felt more happier. More at peace with where his life was at.

As long as he kept trying his best, he knows he can do this for the rest of his life.

[kirishwima]

Can I please request the RFA recognising MC as someone they had a crush in middle/high school?? and whom they haven't seen in years. Pretty please. Also V maybe if that's not too much to ask?

awe that’s such a cute idea! sorry it took me so long to get to writing it T-T

I won’t write V right now as I only have a limited amount of time, but I’ll add his story in a reblog soon! 

But since it’s difficult to write for Seven and Ray given their canonical story, I’ll skip them for now-if you’d like me to write an AU version for the two please let me know!

I’ll be using they/them pronouns for MC since you specified them as such!

YOOSUNG:

* We know he was quite the popular boy in high school, even getting love letters~ He wasn’t all that interested in anyone at the time though, too busy studying instead

* There was however one person who caught their eye; they sat right next to Yoosung, and whilst he never paid much mind to them before, he once overslept, ran to class late, and after getting a good scolding from the teacher, he realized as he rummaged through his backpack he forgot his textbooks.

* MC, seeing his frazzled expression and his desk devoid of books, simply slid their book closer to him, acting nonchalant all the while. They didn’t want the poor guy to get scolded by the teacher yet again after all.

* To Yoosung, at that very instant, MC looked like an angel that fell from the heavens, here to aid him in his moment of need...and they were cute to boot...it didn’t take long for him to start talking more often with them, his upbeat personality endearing and MC’s charm enough to make him develop his very first crush.

*It’s not like they were in the same friend group or anything, so they only saw each other during certain classes, but they chatted often enough, greeted each other in the hallway-and Yoosung couldn’t help the blush on his cheeks everytime MC smiled at him, shoving his friends playfully when they teased him over it.

* Even Rika asked him about it once, after he nonchalantly mentinoed MC, his  cheeks betraying his emotions as she took note of that-(I’d like to think it’s one of the reasons she later on chose MC to send to the RFA *eye emoji)

* But well, time passed, final exams came and the stress of it all overtook everyone, and before anyone knew, graduation came and went-he wanted to find MC during the graduation ceremony, tell them to keep in touch, but with the large number of people around that day it’d be a triumph to even spot MC in the crowd.

* So when years later, MC stumbled in the RFA chatroom, Yoosung didn’t immediately recognise them-only when they got to chatting, realised they both went to the same high school, and took the same classes, only then did Yoosung realise just who MC  really is-and boy was SHOOKETH. That MC? His first and only crush?! Is now a member of the RFA? And he gets to talk with them again?! Suffice to say, Yoosung would NOT let this chance go, not this time.

ZEN:

* Zen actually met MC in middle school, back when he still didn’t really realise just how pretty he is.

* Girls would constantly flock around him, even teachers would gush and tell him he’s so pretty-but that never made little Hyun feel good about himself. It felt suffocating, weird to hear such words then go home to hear the exact opposite. Just who was he supposed to believe?!

* Once whilst running away from a group of kids trying to touch his hair, he ran into a seemingly empty classroom and shut the door behind him, ducking down to avoid being seen through the classrooms’ windows. What he didn’t initially notice, however, was a piano, a relatively simple wooden one in the corner of the room, a little kid sitting there, their feet barely reaching the pedals beneath, staring wide-eyed at him.

* He motioned to the kid to stay silent as he shuffled towards them, hiding behind the piano as the flock of kids came by the class, one even opening the door to ask the kid sitting at the piano-MC, if they had seen a ‘pretty boy’ come by.

* MC side-eyed Zen, raising a brow as they turned to the kid standing by the door. “I didn’t see any pretty boy” they stated, “but if you’re looking for someone with white hair...they went that way” they said, pointing down the hall.

* Once the door was slammed shut and the sound of feet hitting the floor was but a distant echo, Zen got up from his hiding spot, coming to sit beside MC, breathing a sigh of relief.

* “Thank you” he sighed, “they kept trying to touch my hair” he elaborated. 

* MC looked to him with furrowed brows. “Why?” they asked. Even Zen was taken aback by the blunt question; everyone he met kept telling him how his hair was like snow, how soft it must be, some even trying to touch it right away. Yet this kid looked to him like it’s such a stupid thing, like there’s no point in trying to touch his hair-it was a breath of fresh air in his hectic world.

* He laughed-he couldn’t help it! “I don’t know!” It was the truth.

* That was the day he and MC became friends-they were in different classrooms, but he’d ocasionally come visit them during breaktime, and MC even taught him how to play the piano-he could proudly play the entirety of ‘Twinkle twinkle little star’ by the time the end of the year, and by the time they were about to graduate middle school, he’d already learnt quite a lot, even practicing on his own when MC wasn’t around.

* They promised one another they’d keep in touch, Zen admitting he didn’t have any plans of going to high shcool, how he wanted to become a musician, how his parents had started getting stricter and stricter-when he decided to finally run away, he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep in touch with MC, not in the way he wanted to at least.

* It took a while for him to realise he liked them-it was only on the day he ran away, sitting on a bus to nowhere and everywhere when he realised the only person he’d miss, the only one he regretted never saying goodbye to, was MC-and it hurt more than he’d care to admit, the realisation he’d never get the chance to see them again, to admit these feelings to them.

* Well time passed, and whilst MC still kept a dear place in his heart, the memory of them slowly started fading away, their features hazy in his mind.

* When MC stumbled upon the RFA chatroom and gave them their name, Zen hummed to himself, a small nostalgic smile on his lips. 

* “MC huh”, he typed, “now that’s a name I haven’t really heard in a while. Actually, my first crush was named MC!”

* Oh ho ho Zenny boy....when you find out that MC and this MC are one and the same.........

* He’ll die a blushing mess bc he’s a soft boy and can’t wait to hold MC close and express the feelings he’s carried in him for so long OKAY.

JAEHEE:

* She met MC before her parents passed away-when she was still a little child, her hair long and her smile wide, her eyes shining like the sun with glee.

* She and MC met on the first day of kindergrarden-MC had been running towards the school gates, tripped and scraped their knee, and Jaehee was there to witness it all.

* Unable to see someone in pain, Jaehee walked to MC, kneeled down beside them and used the end of her skirt to wipe the few droplets of blood from the wound. She then patted the wound, and gave a quick kiss to MC’s knee. 

* “That’s what you should do when someone gets hurt!” Jaehee said, her smile gentle, “now it’ll get all better!”

* MC was so awed by this magician-schoolmate, she couldn’t help but follow Jaehee around the entire day, asking her if she knew any other magic spells, even told every other kid about how ‘fairy Baehee’ stopped their knee from hurting!

* It was an adorable friendship-they’d refuse to leave each other’s side all throughout class, would only reluctantly seperate when their parents came to pick them up.

* They’d often even stay at each other’s home, having more than one sleepover where they tried to stay up as late as possible and failing.

* When other kids started to get interested in romance, Jaehee frowned. Why would she need anyone else than MC? She didn’t need a ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’ or whatever they were called.

* One day as she was getting ready for dinner, she looked to her mom and asked her if she knew how one can know if they want a girlfriend or boyfriend. Her mom laughed, Jaehee’s honest curiosity too cute for words, and picked her daughter up, sitting her on the kitchen counter so they could speak face to face.

* “Baby, to have a boyfriend or girlferiend, you have to be in love with them. I can’t tell you how to be sure you love someone, because it’s different for everyone. But with your dad” she started, humming in thought as she ran a hand through Jaehee’s long hair, “well, I knew if someone tried to tell me not to be with him, I’d hate that. And I know I want to be with him, no matter what.”

* Her mom tried explaining further, but Jaehee didn’t need any further elaboration-she immediatly knew who she loved.

* She let her moms words simmer for a while longer, but never got a chance to let MC know how she felt-her dad passed away shortly after she entered middle school, and she and her mom ended up having to move away, her confession hidden to the back of her mind as she dealt with all this new information and changes.

* She and MC tried to keep in touch even after she left, but being so young and not owning a phone or any social media, it was hard, to say the least. By the time the two were old enough to (responsibly) use the internet, memories of one another faded, and with Jaehee’s history, it was hard to even find the time to think of MC-though she would from time to time, as she lay awake in bed, wondering what happened to that kid she once loved.

* MC stumbling into the RFA was like fate’s way of giving Jaehee a second (or well, first) chance at love-and an apology for torturing her in the hands of Jumin Han and Elizabeth the 3d lmao

JUMIN:

* We know he went to a prestigious school, but down the street from his fancy private school was a regular high school, one where our dear MC studied at.

* If it were on his own terms, Jumin would never really pay a second glance to that school nor its students-not that he cared much for his own classmates either lol

* But well, one day his driver was running late, and he was stuck waiting for him at the front steps of the school, unable to take a step further-not in the crazy rain that fell vigorously down to the street, soaking any unsuspecting passerbys that had forgotten to bring an umbrella with them-Jumin being one of them, as was MC.

* “Shit! Ah, crap, no-” a litany of curses could be heard as a person ran towards his schools’ entrance, towards Jumin-he took a step to the side as a figure came to a halt besides him, taking shelter from the rain besides him.

* He raised an eyebrow at the person who stood beside them, their hands resting on their knees as they caught their breath after running, their cloathes soaked to the bone, their skin visible through their flimsy school shirt. The colours and the emblem on the coat they seemed to have tried and use as a make-shift umbrella showed Jumin it must be a student from the school down the street-not that he was interested or anything.

* But well, he was waiting for his driver and had time to kill since V had already left, so...

* “That’s quite the vulgar vocabulary for someone your age” he stated, surprising the person as they looked up to him.

* “Oh yeah?” they asked with a raised brow, “they don’t teach curse words in your fancy curriculum?” they teased, ready to cut the conversation with this pompous rich kid short if need be.

* Jumin was...surprised, to say the least. “Is there such a class in public schools? I’m afraid I never heard of it. I’ll ask my school if they offer it.”

* He didn’t expect the kid to stare at him wide-eyed before laughing, going as far as to wipe tears from their eyes with the way they laughed.

* “You-you’re serious?! Oh my god-I’m so sorry for messing with you dude.”

* Jumin’s refreshing innocence, his confused pout as he tilted his head this way and that, it was so different from the haughty rich-kid attitude MC was expecting, it was nearly endearing.

* The two got to talking, and something about MC’s wit, their snarkiness that was simply kindness in disguise intrigued Jumin-he couldn’t help but even smile at one of their jokes, the two bonding in the long time it took for his driver to get here.

* As a slick black limousine stopped right in front of his schools’ gates however, a chauffer coming out with an umbrella in hand to escort Jumin to the car, it was like a bucket of cold water washed over MC-of course, as cute as the dude might’ve been, he was still a rich koid, someone from a completely different world than theirs.

* For Jumin however, this brief encounter would mark him. He’d been unable to get MC’s face out of his mind for weeks thereafter, and everytime he dreamt of encountering them again he’d wake up with a furious blush on his cheeks, even daydreaming of them in class.

* But well time passes, and the feelings faded-although they never completely left, not with someone like Jumin, who’s been unable to feel that thumping in his heart ever since that day.

* MC coming into the RFA was like a silly rom-com film where the fated couple meets again decades later as changed people-and well, it kind of went exactly like one of those films would hahah

-send me a mystic messenger headcanon or prompt-

[shinyrockalaska]

Hanukkah at Hogwarts

Hello, this is a fanfic I wrote about my MC, last year, when some of Hanukkah days fell on Christmas. I'm now posting it for everyone to enjoy.

Summary: the Hogwarts Mystery friends celebrate Hanukkah with my half-jewish MC.

Word count: 1.5k

~~~

I sat down in the Christmas theme decorated great hall, but with a sad face. Seems like the rest of my family already got their plans for the holidays. Well, not really, but my mum decided yet again to visit her relatives, alone. That led to my dad deciding to take my toddler brother with him and celebrate Christmas with his own family. When I think about it, ever since Jacob went missing my family didn't got to celebrate any holidays at all. Not together, at least. Even now that I've found him I still don't know where he is, and I'm starting to doubt my family will ever be normal again.

"Hey what's with the sad face?" Rowan asked, sitting down next to me.

"Guess who's staying in Hogwarts during the holidays.. again.." I said in a fake-happy voice.

She gave me a sad smile, "I wish you could come with me to the tree farm but my entire family will be there so there's no place left.." "lucky you," I murmured, and she immidietly apologized.

"It's okay," I said, "technically I can spend Christmas with my dad, my little brother and my dad's family, but.. that's the problem."

"Your dad's family is a problem? Seriously I'm sure any of your friends would be happy to have you over you know.."

"No, no, it's not that.. just.. I'm tired of celebrating Christmas."

She looked surprised. "that is a sentence I never thought I would hear anyone say.."

"I mean, I guess it doesn't really matter what the holiday is if you spend it with the people you love, but.." I sighed, "you know I'm technically Jewish, right? I miss celebrating Hanukkah. I haven't got to do it ever since Jacob's gone missing and my mum slowly drifted away, you know.."

"Oh, yeah.." she said awkwardly, "well.. what do you usually do on Hanukkah?"

"We do a lot of things, like lightning the menorah. There's a place for 9 candles in it and each day we light one more candle than the day before. Starting with two candles- one, because it's the first day and the second is a candle that lit up the other candles. It's called shamash."

"That's sounds really interesting! How many candles do you lit? For how long? Why?" Rowan asked, curiously.

"I've never counted how many.. but we do it for eight days.. starting with two and each day we add another candle so-"

"44 in total. Continue please."

It was always impressive how quick and smart Rowan was.

"We do it because.. years ago.. oh no I barely remember! Something with a rebellion against greeks, the second holy temple, and a cruse of oil that was suppose to light the menorah for only one day but it lasted eight days so it was a miracle.. see, this is exactly the problem of not celebrating this holiday for so long!" I said frustrated, but Rowan continued to ask questions despite my despair.

"So it's a holiday about miracles. That's really nice! What else do you do?"

"W-well.. because of that cruse of oil we eat lots of food with oil. Not very healthy I must say, but tradition is tradition. We have latkes, which is kind of like a potato or cheese pancakes, and sufganyot, it's like jam filled doughnuts, but it can be filled with anything, really."

"So for eight days you light up candles and eat oil." she sounded a little judgemental but the way she described the holiday was funny.

"We don't have to eat things with oil, you know.. just a tradition." I laughed, "But we also get to play with a dreidel, it's a four sides spinning toy, that we play and bet on chocolate coins and we get money from relatives sometimes, and it's just.. a warm, cosy holiday?" I smiled, "I don't know how to explain it, I feel warm and peaceful inside, just remembering how fun was this holiday.."

"It does sound nice.. when is it exactly?"

"It already started but-"

"So let's celebrate! We've still got tonight, we can ask the house elves for the right food and we can light the menorah and play that game with that thing you said and-"

"Wait but I don't have any of those things how am I supposed to get them now?"

Rowan smiled at me, slyly, "You say it like you never invented a charm.. we'll use transfiguration of course.. come on!"

###

"I'm really glad that all of you get to go home for the holidays," I said.

I was sitting in the great hall now, with all my friends around me. It was all empty since everyone else were busy packing.

"I wish I could stay.." Barnaby sighed, "I'll be okay but my family isn't very nice, you know.."

"Yeah, me too" Ben murmured.

I rolled my eyes at him. "Your family's great. You're the one who's not being nice right now."

"It's not my fault they don't understand anything about magic and don't know what I've been through.." he shrugged.

"Yeah, ever since last year Beatrice acting.. you know.. and I don't really want to be stuck with her in the same room for the entire holiday.. " Penny agreed with him.

"C'mon guys, cheer up!" Charlie said before anyone else could complain about going home.

"Wait what are we doing?" Liz asked, as if she suddenly realized she was sitting with her friends. "I lost focus.." she admitted.

So I explained everything I explained to Rowan before, about the holiday, and how we plan to celebrate it.

We decided to meet up in the empty charms classroom, since Rowan already got premission from professor Flitwick to use it. Badeea, as the artist, volunteered to make a menorah, after I explained to her how it should look like. Meanwhile, I tried to make a dreidel. I couldn't just transfigurate one from nothing, so I decided to use a sneakoscope that I got from Jae once, and designed it as much as I could to look like a dreidel, with the right letters.

By sunset, when everyone met in the empty classroom, they were all excited to celebrate the holiday with me.

Badeea's handmade menorah looked beautiful, it was colourful and made out of clay. She even brought candles that Talbott conjured for her ("I picked candles in warm colours, for your warm holiday," she laughed.)

I set up the candles on their right place in the menorah, as everyone sat down in a circle around it. Then, I lit up the candles and said the blessings while everyone cheered.

"So what's next?" Andre asked as Rowan took a plate from behind her back, and showed us what's on it. "What's this?" Talbott asked and I smiled, "it's called sufganyot. Basically like a doughnut but with no hole and it's filled with jam." "Sweet! Give me some!" Tonks cheered while grabbing a few off the plate.

"Tulip, you've got those Candie I asked you for?" Rowan said with a smile on her face. "You know I always have Candies with me," she answered while showing us her bug full of candies. "I couldn't get those chocolates you told me about but candies are always good!" She explained.

"that's so cool! I'm surprised you managed to get the right food from the kitchen and bring so many candies!" I said.

I showed them the sneakoscope, "that's not how a traditional dreidel looks like, of course," I explained, "but we can still play with it. We need to divide the candies equally between all of us, then each round everyone will put one candy on the center of the circle and then everyone in their turn will get to spin the sneakoscope. See those letters I wrote on it? If it lands on this letter you get all the Candies in the middle and everyone have to put another candy, and so on."

"Sound's fun!" Chiara was the first to put a candy in the middle. "Prepare to be defeated!" Diego said, excitedly.

We started the game, and we played until bedtime, not noticing how time passes as we enjoy ourselves.

Barnaby was the first to lose, since he ate all his candies, rather than putting them in for the game. To no one surprise, Jae won, but he shared the candies with everyone, anyway.

"That was really fun! Thank you for sharing this holiday with us!" Penny said with joy. Everyone nodded with agreement.

It made me so happy, seeing all my friends celebrating my holiday, and enjoying it as much as I do. "you need to thank Rowan," I said, "She's the one who organized all of these.. I really appreciate it. That was seriously the best Hanukkah ever."

~~~

Happy Hanukkah!

To anyone who celebrate and seek representation as much as I do😂

[xxisxxisxxis]

La fin

Inspired by this ask.

Present day Duff and Vivian reflect on their romantic relationship

I sat down with my best friend to discuss our affair for the first time in 26 years…and gain a final piece of closure the two of us have yet to attain from one another. 

"This is gonna be interesting because both of our spouses are here." I say as I sit down, at my kitchen bar and Duff takes a sip of his water before joining me.

"Nah, Su's as cool as a cucumber. We got this." He replies. "...I don't know about Sixx but me, you and Su can handle it." He teases. 

"If you get war flashbacks, baby, just remember you're sober." I tell Nikki and he chuckles. 

"I'll just go to the bathroom and sing 'Kumbaya'." Nikki adds and Susan laughs. 

"It won't be that bad." She assures him. "I got my waterproof mascara on. I'm ready." 

"I'm getting through this without crying." I state.

"You cry over google commercials, Viv." Duff informs me.

"Because they know how to market. This happened…" I have to do the math. "...thirty-two and a half years ago. I won't cry." 

"Okay, well, just in case, I came prepared." Susan tosses me a pack of Kleenex. 

"Thank you." I say to her, doubting I'll need it.

"I'm about to start the camera." Nikki tells us, going to press start on the camera he's got set up to film this. "Oh, it's already started." He states. 

"It's okay, people won't care." I shrug, taking a sip of my Pepsi. "Okay, Hey, Guys." I say to the camera. "This is a very special occasion because I'm here with my best friend, and the father of my first child, Michael Andrew McKagan a.k.a Duff McKagan a.k.a Daddy McKagan according to some of you nasty, freaky, bastards." I pipe and Duff rubs his face. 

"Oh my God." He chuckles. 

"Do you read your instagram comments?" I remind him and he nods. 

"It's just so weird to hear it in real time." He explains. "I think that's one of the most odd things you can call a sexual partner. Like…'daddy'..."

We just stare at each other for a moment and I look at the camera. 

"He just single handedly dragged me in the nicest way possible." I say to him as Nikki and Susan try not to laugh. 

"No, I jus--well, you can say whatever the hell you wanna say and call him whatever you wanna call him because you've earned it with the shit you've been through, but it's just odd for me to go online and there's, like, girls 30 years younger than me calling me 'daddy.' Like, I'm not sure if you realize this, sweetie, but I have daughters your age." He points out and I start laughing. "I-I could actually be your dad. Careful now." 

"I think Vince has a higher chance of being these horny girls' father." I state. 

"I know, but it's just food for thought, you know?" He shrugs. 

"I don't even know how to transition from that to the topic--which is a serious topic, but this is just...oh my gosh." I giggle out, not able to stop. 

"Speaking of 'food for thought'," He creates a transition for us to go into what we're talking about and I take the opportunity. 

"Yes, we will be discussing our weird relationship-but-not-really-because-I-was-married-and-confused situationship in honor of my book coming out 'Verbatim: The Truth, The Whole Truth, & Nothing Left Unsaid', which tells everything that happened from 1981, to early 2000s, that people have already read about in everybody else's books." I explain. "I've had this, 'it isn't anybody's business' mindset and now, I feel like I'm in a place where I can tell what happened, including our thing--which is something, believe it or not, we have not talked about as much as people think we have." 

"No, we haven't." 

"I don't know exactly why we haven't spoken about it much, like it happened, it obviously happened because we got a son out of it...we just haven't acknowledged it happened, really. Which is why we're gonna ask the tough questions and hopefully get through some stuff."

"Which is nice because I honestly think the last time we even alluded to it was 1994, right after I got sober, and was advised to resolve things in my friendships, and even then we didn't get everything out there." He replies. "At least I didn't, and I feel like a lot of people have something to say about it, and we spent so many years letting other people define what that time was to us--which it was such a private and personal thing between the two of us that other people's two cent shouldn't have had the impact on us that it did--but we let it get to that point where we lost sight of what it meant to us and let it be defined however the fuck people wanted to call it. And that wasn't good for either of us, and I think that's one of the things that's kept me from bringing it up again. Especially now that, ya know, I'm married, have two grown daughters with Susan, you have Nikki and your children, and I've always thought there's no point in bringing something up that happened--like you said--thirty-two, almost thirty-three--years ago.

"Because you don't want to hear the b.s."

"Because I don't want to hear the b.s." He agrees. "But the more I've thought about it, there are parts of me that feels like I didn't get to say what I wanted to say when we decided to go separate ways, and that just gets fucking heavier and heavier with each year, and I'm sure you might, too." 

"Oh, definitely." I agree completely, able to relate to it. "I feel like one of the main reasons for me, why I haven't tried to talk to you about it is because, like you said, people will automatically start something out of absolutely nothing, but also because I felt like I never had the right to." I state and he furrows his brows a little. "Why did you wait so long to tell me how you really felt about me?

He lets out a breath before thinking a moment. 

"I refused to hinder what little happiness you had left in your relationship with Nikki. I knew you guys were struggling, I knew you were fighting like hell to get your relationship back on track, and I didn't want you to have any more confusion going on than what was already being put on you and if I would have told you how I felt, that would've done that. And then I was with Mandy for a while and that kinda helped me feel like I was over those feelings, but I realized I wasn't when she and I broke up."

"Did anybody else know about how you felt or..?"

"Well, I--yeah, Stevie thought it was just a little, like, I had a crush on you, but Izzy knew I loved you...which is why he wasn't shocked when they found out about us." He says. "...Of course he wasn't surprised because all the Nikki/Vanity stuff happened, so he was kinda expecting you to do something, which--okay, I don't know how to ask this." He admits, thinking of how to word it, glancing at Nikki. 

"What?" I ask him. 

"I just don't want to come across as an asshole for asking this because I'm assuming it's a lot deeper than just...okay, whatever, I'm asking it." He decides. 

"Okay." I prepare for it and he sighs. 

"Why did it take that level of public humiliation for you to realize you weren't in a good marriage?" He asks and it nearly makes the breath leave my body, Nikki and I looking at each other. 

"Because it was public." I confess. "Everything else that had been done, had been done in private. There was no public input on it, there was nobody watching the situation unfold under a microscope, everything that happened up to that point was private. So, he could trip during a crack binge and shoot me and I could stay with him because I didn't have the public watching me, giving their opinions. But when his mistress announces it on TV, I can't just gloss over that because now everybody knows and has an inkling that 'uh oh, they're not this perfect relationship they've made people believe they are' and yes we came out and said it was a lie and tried to undo that damage that Denise caused, so physically I was still in the marriage, mentally I was drawing up divorce papers. And I'm not completely sure it was just the very public aspect of it, I think it was the fact it was her. And I realized, 'I can't compete with a woman who has absolutely everything about her that Nikki is addicted to: she knows how to have a good time, she's equally as wild as him, she's got the sex appeal, she's got all the drugs, she's on the same level as him in terms of entertainment industry' just everything that I wasn't...she was. And I was too exhausted at the point to try to compete with her so I gave up when that came out."

"I remember Izzy ranting, 'she's fucking comparing herself to Vanity and there's no reason to'." He impersonates Izzy and I chuckle. 

"He drilled into my head for years to follow that I was fine the way I was, I didn't need to change anything about my looks, my personality, my hobbies, my sobriety, like it was like 'The Help' when she's constantly reassuring the little girl 'you is smart, you is kind, you is important'." I quote. "Anytime Izzy could see me struggling with myself or not feeling my best he'd be like 'seventeen outta ten, Viv. Seventeen.'" 

Duff looks enlightened, and points to the space behind my right ear. 

"That's why've got '17' right there." He realizes and I nod. "In his writing." He adds. 

"In his writing." I confirm. 

"That's--wow. I didn't know you struggled with that for so long because there was no competition." He assures me.

"Well, I already had shitty self-esteem and then that made it worse, and then even when you and I were together I still had this fear a little bit that you were only with me to help yourself get over Mandy." 

"Abso-fucking-lutely not." He doesn't even think before saying and I feel myself tear up a little. "No way. No freaking way. I loved you, Viv, I really, really did. When you told me that you were filing as soon as the tour was over I started planning out our lives together, as crazy or cheesy that makes me seem, like, I was really going for it." He tells me.

"Duff." I feel guilty, my heart aching a little. 

"I remembered, 'okay, she wants this many kids, she says she likes dogs but really wants a cat, too, she doesn't want to live in the middle of the city, she doesn't want an over-the-top house, she wants to go back to school at some point so I'll put away some savings for that', like, I was planning out everything and fitting Guns N' Roses in wherever there was time in that whole plan. I was ready to be with you and start a life with you. I really, really was." He adds and I see Susan's sympathy for him, only adding to my guilt. 

"Well, just rip my heart out, why don't you?" I ask him to add some relief and Susan giggles, her bright smile coming back to her lips. 

"Right?" She asks. "Geez, babe." 

"I'm just saying." Duff tells us. 

"Nikki didn't even plan his days out when he woke up back then, and then you were there with a calculator adding up how much money you probably needed to put away for my schooling." 

"We wouldn't have had any money to go to school, anyway, Viv, 'cause it was all going to taxes and heroin." Nikki points out and I think for a moment. 

"And house payments." 

"And house payments." He agrees as I look back to Duff, who looks like he's thinking about something. 

"Okay, sorry if this is a weird question, but what did you mean you felt like you had 'no right' to talk about our relationship?" 

"Okay, well, we broke up, I was working on things with Nikki, you married Mandy four months after we broke up...I felt like 'okay, you've already gotten your husband back, he's gotten Mandy back, they're married, who the--' pardon my french ''--fuck are you to bring up your relationship and how it affected your friendship when you're both married to other people and doing your own things? Who are you to be worried with your time with him when you're with Nikki and he's got a wife, now?'." 

"Ohh, yeah. Yeah." He knows what I'm talking about, nodding. "So, you kinda felt like it was disrespectful to dwell on it too long." He adds. 

"Exactly. And I didn't want to disrespect Nikki, or Mandy, or Linda, and now Susan, by trying to work on us again, as friends, because we are exes, whether we want to admit it, we are. We dated. And I feel like it's easy to forget that sometimes because it was so long ago and that freaking sucks because I don't want…" My voice cracks and he looks at me pointedly as tears come to my eyes and I take a deep breath. "...I don't want to forget that time. And I'm not trying to be rude to my marriage or yours or make it seem like I still have those feelings for you, because I don't, but I don't want to forget there was a time in that hellacious cycle my life was in at that moment, that for a few months, I was genuinely happy in the midst of my life falling apart." I explain, sniffling. "And that wouldn't have been the case, if not for you. And I don't want to forget that." 

"Vivian." He says as I grab at a tissue and I see Susan knuckle a tear in her tear duct. 

"I don't know, it just felt like there was never a right time to address what happened fully because everything was happening so fast in our personal lives, for you and Guns, for Nikki and the band, I started having kids, and you got married a second time and your drinking was worse and worse, so it just never happened." 

"Can I ask you something else?" He says and I nod. "When do you think we should have said, 'look, we were together, it happened, and it's okay'. Because we avoided it like the plague for years and still do at times, and that's practically due to--like I said earlier--listening to how people defined it. Like you were called a 'whore' and a 'slut' and just awful shit in public and in papers and tabloids for years after it happened and I feel like because of that, there was that element of 'we should be ashamed of ourselves and just pretend it never fucking happened' surrounding it, even though we had Monroe who's breathing proof of what happened at some point, but we just treated it as if we adopted him together as friends or something like--" I laugh, wiping a tear, and he laughs with me for a few seconds. "--it's the truth, though, we never talked about our relationship. We went on Howard Stern in '88 right after Monroe was born, and he grilled us about it, but we just shut the fuck down after that and didn't speak of anything again for a couple years until we got in that fight over you limiting my time with Monroe, and then again in '94, and that was it--and none of those times really accomplished anything. At all." 

"We should have had that conversation before you got married to Mandy that May." I point out.

"That was so, so soon." He smiles nervously. "That was too soon, way too soon, to get married."

"You proposed to her the day after we broke up." I recall and he nods. 

"I sure did. I sure as hell did. So stupid." He states. "I learned not to make important decisions when I'm in pain. 'Cause I married two different women when I was going through some painful stuff and only made it worse." He explains. 

"And see that's the thing because you had me completely convinced you wanted Mandy. Like I felt so much better when we broke up, knowing you were with who you really wanted to be with, and I was with who I wanted to be with, and then I found out in an argument with you that you were miserable and married Mandy to try to make yourself excited about being back together with her." 

"And that's exactly why I told you that because I needed you to be happy and if I would have told you how I really felt about you, you wouldn't have been happy because you would've felt guilty for staying with Nikki and fixing things with him. And I wouldn't have forgiven myself if I would have put you through that so I married Mandy so fast because I was hurt, and I thought I loved her as much as I loved you, and I held on to that and ran with it." He tells me. "Why wasn't I good enough for you to stay?" 

I go to answer, before the weight of what he's asking really hits me, and several tears topple down my cheeks before I'm wiping them away. 

"I can't begin to put into words how highly you surpassed 'good enough'." I inform him when I finally speak. "Um, my decision to stay with Nikki had absolutely nothing to do with you. That was all me, and issues I thought were resolved within myself that weren't resolved at all, I was just ignoring them." I say. "And something in me was telling me not to stay with you...and I fully believe that was God telling me to back the hell off because he had a plan for you and I had no business accompanying you in that plan as your significant other." I explain. "And I hate to say this, but I really feel like we would have gotten divorced." 

His eyes widen and his brows raise, a knowing smile on his lips as his nods his head. 

"And I hate to think that but we would have made it, maybe, up until '92 because I wasn't even your wife or your girlfriend but just being around you made me so miserable." I admit. "I-It was like--you would get up and start drinking until you passed out that night. I was watching the person who had his shit together the most in my life, fall apart, and that was scary for me because we had a son who was witnessing his dad spiral." 

"Yeah." He rubs his lips together. 

"And getting you to take accountability for what you were doing was like trying to bathe a cat." I add.

"And it took me months after getting sober to evaluate what went wrong in my life with the band, what went wrong in my relationships, what went wrong in my parenting with Monroe, what went wrong in my friendship/co-parentship with you, and own up to what I played a part in because none of it imploded on it's own, or just because of other people, like I played a part in all of it, too, and admitting that took a lot of time to swallow my pride and just accept that I became the very thing I got pissed at Nikki for being, years prior to that, and saying, 'okay, I made all those mistakes, I fucked up, how can I do better and learn from it to better myself, to better my friendships, to better my relationship with my son, and just do what I'm supposed to do?' And I even ended up going to Nikki, and apologizing for what happened between us," he motions between me and him, "because even before you and him were separated over the Vanity thing, knowing you went to me for shit, over him, made him feel less than, made him feel like he wasn't a good enough husband and I kinda felt the same way when he stepped up for Monroe when I was going through my drinking, and it made me feel like I wasn't adequate enough as a father because Monroe was leaning a bit more on him than he was on me, and for the shit I was going through in my life with my alcoholism and drugs, I was doing the best I could do as a dad. And it made me realize that Nikki was doing the best he could do as a husband back when he was in the thick of his heroin addiction, because he was sick and couldn't fucking help himself, just like I was sick and couldn't help myself, and neither of us wanted to hear we had a problem, neither of us wanted help. And I know people are gonna, 'well, Nikki cheated and was mean to her and this and that', I know what you looked like when Nikki was hurting you. I know the look you would get on your face...I know that I hurt you as much as Nikki did through my drinking because you would look at me the way you would look at him when you weren't recognizing the person in front of you due to how royally they had fucked themselves up." 

"Yes." I nod, not even arguing. 

"And that fucking hurt to realize that I was hurting you as bad as he had, and I remembered getting so pissed at him for doing that back in '86/'87 as he got worse, but then I did it, too, and that experience really opened my eyes when I got sober because I wouldn't have been humbled in that way had I not had a drinking addiction and reached that low, and I do think that's one of the reasons that was allowed to happen to me." He finishes and I take a deep breath before asking:

"If Monroe wouldn't have been conceived, if we wouldn't have had a child to come out of our relationship, knowing what we know now, how we ended up not staying together, the public slander and stuff we had to go through...would you still have had a relationship with me, if you could go back and change it?" 

"Without a doubt, yes." He says, matter-of-fact. "It would have been a waste of a blessing to not have taken the opportunity to love someone as recklessly--maybe even stupidly, at times--unconditionally, with the magnitude I loved you with, at such a young age. Like, usually you can expect to find something like what we had when people get a little older, and get through all their bullshit relationships before finding the person that loves them for them fully, but I had the chance of experiencing that when I was, like, in my early twenties...and I didn't experience that again, and so much more, until I met Susan." He says and I nod. "And I don't want you to think that because we haven't spoken about it, maybe as much as we should have, that I'm ashamed of you or us or embarrassed, because I'm not proud that we did what we did in that timing--because it was really shitty timing and we both can agree on that, I think," he raises his brows and I agree, "but I will never be ashamed, or apologetic,  or embarrassed that I ever had that with you. I felt like one of the most fortunate people to even know you, and then to have that relationship we had--even for the few months it lasted--was just...it was such a short time compared to how long you've been with Nikki and how long I've been with Su, but we spent it loving each other the best that we could. And we really did love each other, and we do still love each other--even if it's not in that same way, the spirit of it, I guess, is still there. There's still that 23 year old kid in me that'll kick somebody's ass over you, and wants to see you happy, and is in absolute love with you. And don't get me wrong, there's a 56 year old me that wants to see you happy and that'll still kick somebody's ass over you." He clarifies, making me laugh. "I'm just pointing out that even when those feelings went away, I don't think that bond ever did." 

"Yeah." I nod, sniffling as I press a tissue to under my eye to catch more tears. "Do you, um...do you remember our break up?" 

He exhales and gives me a little smile, nodding, before tears come to his eyes.

"I--yeah, I...I remember it…" He informs me. 

"We had just gotten done messing around, and if we did anything before we went to bed we would just stay in bed and go to sleep, but if we did anything in the afternoon or whatever we'd get up shortly after and clean up and go about the day. And we got done, it was, like, 2:00pm, and it was this odd feeling in the midst of it that 'this is gonna be the last time we ever do this with one another', and neither of us said a word, we just laid there with each other for four hours when we were done, taking in every second that we could. Well I finally got up to go back home and check on Nikki because he had OD'd the night before." I explain. 

"And you went to the door to leave and I stopped you, and was like, 'I know you're going to make things right with Nikki, and I'm going to fix things with Mandy, and I want you to know that I love you, and I'm proud of you, and I always will and always will be'. Of course you can understand me a little better now because I was crying when I choked those out, but, um," he laughs and I smile back more tears. "And you said, 'thank you, I love you, Duff' and gave me a kiss and a hug and then you were gone." 

"And we rarely spoke about it, again."

"And we rarely spoke about it, again." He confirms and I let out a breath, feeling more tears swell in my eyes. "What a fucking way to end a relationship." He adds. 

"This is where I'm really gonna start crying, um…" I start, chuckling nervously. "...I wasn't thanking you for being understanding, I was thanking you for everything that you'd done for me, and it took me a while to understand that that was one of the things I felt like was unresolved because that 'thank you' had a lot of weight behind it." I tell him. 

"Okay." He tells me, listening intently. 

"This is so freaking stupid and unhealthy but I wrote suicide notes for when Nikki finally OD'd and died, because I knew if he were to go, I'd have to go with him, I couldn't live without him." I tell him and he looks a shocked. "You taught me that I could live without him when I didn't think that I could, and you brought me so much peace and rest in a time when I couldn't remember the last time I was at peace, and I sure as hell couldn't get any rest. And I felt, and still feel, so indebted to you for those months that you spent trying your hardest to fix what you didn't break--you risked your career over me, you protected me, you defended me, you supported me, you loved me--and that's what I was thanking you for that day, and I feel like I've got a weight off my shoulders now because I have never told you that and I've always wanted to but didn't think it was a good time." 

"Holy shit, Viv." He wipes a stray tear, and I see Susan doing the same, Nikki just smiling at me like he's glad I've gotten that weight off of me, because he knows I've been wanting to say it for years.

"And I'm sorry it was such a shitty breakup that kind of came out of nowhere." 

"The way you were screaming and crying and begging God whenever we were trying to get Nikki to wake up, I knew if he lived you were gonna fix things. I was prepared for it, I promise." He assures me. "And I'm really glad we got to do this and get this out there with each other and I really hope you were able to get some closure with this, because I really did." 

"I did, too." I nod, wiping more tears. 

"I love you." He tells me as we get out of our chairs, giving me a quick, innocent, peck on the lips, before hugging me tightly.  

"I love you, too." 

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[bby-ahgastay]

a/n: hey guys. there's a lot going on right now in the US. my heart is heavy seeing it all. as a little girl i was terrified of cops. no little girl should be scared of someone who is supposed to protect her and everyone around her. i plan to help fight for BLACK LIVES MATTER. i hope you all will do what you can as well. i wrote this after my parents told me they don't want me near the protests. my dad said he's seen videos of people being pushed to the floor by cops for just standing there. i told him i would be okay with becoming one of those videos if it means people will keep seeing what's going on. so that people will finally see that ALL. COPS. ARE. BASTARDS. i wanted to use this small platform i have here to get out some of what i have to say. and i have so much more to say still. not enough can ever be said. i hope that those of you in america stand with me and everyone else on this side during this time. i pray and hope with all my heart that our boys will.

SILENCE = VIOLENCE

TU LUCHA ES MI LUCHA

ALL COPS ARE BASTARDS

BLACK LIVES MATTER

-------

"hey, i've been seeing all those videos... you're really going to this thing? it seems so dangerous," your boyfriends worried voice rings through your phones speakers. his camera is pointed straight upwards, all you can see is the ceiling in his kitchen. "i don't really want you around all that stuff. you could get really hurt."

chan was in korea right now. you live out there too, for school, but america was your birth place. stuff has been getting bad in america lately. the virus hit everywhere hard, but america didn't deal with it properly. while the rest of the world was recovering from it, people out there are still getting sick and dying. and the fight between races was no better after so long. black people were still dying at the hands of people who would receive no real consequences. and people are done.

there are riots and people are looting. the streets are filled with people who are done with cops. the entire criminal justice system in america was built on a rotten foundation. they started as a slave patrol, to bring back slaves who had escaped their owners clutches. what is built on a rotten foundation will always be rotten.

you want to fight with those who want to better the country. so to show your support for the black lives matter movement you decided to go home. to fight with them right there in person. it didn't feel enough to stay in korea and show your support through social media. so now you're back at your family home in los angeles, ready to go to every protest you can.

though chan wishes you wouldn't. he's been trying to stay as up to date with everything as much as he could. he knows that you've already gone to the ones that have happened since you've arrived, but they're getting worse and he keeps trying to get you stay home. you know he just cares for your safety. you've been hurt already and he's scared how much worse it can get. but this is too important to you to just stay home and watch from your window. you wish he just understood that you need to be a part of this as much as you possibly can.

"yes, i'm really going. i have to. i need to be a part of this," you bite your lips nervously. "i mean..." chan appears on screen again, eyes sticking to you intently as you speak. "all my life, i've been told how lucky i am to be in this country. how proud i should be that i was born an american. and i know i should be proud, my grandparents worked hard to make sure i could be an american. but how can i be proud of this place anymore?

"just seeing my own family struggling to live here peacefully is enough reason to be ashamed. how is it right that my abuelo and abuela came here for a better life for their family and now they can't even walk past a police officer without worrying about getting stopped. cops hardly need an excuse to harass a person of color. and if my grandparents are ever stopped by a cop they could find out that they're not legal and they'll get deported.

"i've grown up terrified of cops. at five years old if i would just see a cop car near my house i would know to tell my mamá and papá so we could get the house ready 'just in case they wanted to take abuelo and abuela away from us...' that's what they would say to me and the other kids in the house. we were all just children... but still we knew exactly what to do by the time we could walk and talk.

"and while we have to hide my grandparents from the law, hide them for their crime of making a better life for their children and the next generations to come, a black person has to worry about losing their life or losing a loved one while just walking down the street.

"you've seen the videos, chan. they're chanting 'black lives matter' and 'all cops are bastards'. they're both right and they're both something that everyone should know by now. and yet still here we are fighting against people who still support cops because theyre either just as bad as they are or they simply don't understand. and they chose not to educate themselves so they go on believing that we are the bad guys. i want them to get it. this isn't white versus black. this is everyone versus racists. and them saying 'i'm not racist' can not be enough. 'not racist' will get us no where. what we need is anti racism. and until we have that i won't be proud of this country.

"how can i? how can i be proud of a place that not only doesn't welcome me or my family, but a place that allows lives to be taken everyday and for what reason? all because someone with a badge, the same badge they used as slave patrollers, decided to abuse the power we wrongly placed in their hands because they know they can get away with it since that person was darker than them. because as far as this system shows the law doesn't know yet that black lives matter. and since they lack that knowledge they get away with no more consequences than a slap on the wrist. and we've been trying to teach them. we've been screaming at them 'black lives matter' for years. but they haven't listened. they kept pushing it away, ignoring it. they continue to allow the murder. and they think that we will too.

"well, i fucking refuse. i refuse to watch this anymore. i refuse to just let this just be another month full of retweeting petitions and nothing more. i refuse to let my country go on like this. i refuse to let my children see america like this. i refuse to become another adult in this damned place telling my kids 'you should be proud,' just for them to grow up and see what is really happening here. i don't want them to just be another generation that this shit just gets passed onto. this fight has been going on for too fucking long and i intend to be a part of the movement that ends it in any way i can. and right now that means going to every single protest i can."

your voice shakes the entire time you talk, tears streaming down your face barely a few sentences in. a hand comes up to wipe your face, sniffling slightly and clearing your throat. you look back at your phone, catching channie's glassy eyes through the screen. "sorry, i-i got carried away... it just all makes me so mad," another wave of fresh tears comes and you struggle to keep them back. a groan leaves you as you rub your eyes with your sleeves.

"hey," you look to see him shaking his head. "don't be sorry. i understand. i'm proud i have such a passionate girlfriend. and i know that you will help make america a place that one day our kids will be proud of, just like you want for them. i love you. please be careful out there," there's a slight break in his voice and you're surprised to see a couple tears fall from his eyes.

"i promise i will. i love you, too, chan. so much."

[punkscowardschampions]

Buster & Rio

Buster: What the fuck Rio: Hello to you too Rio: ? Buster: Don't act like it's not out there for everyone to see Buster: You're playing happy families with Drew now? Not what I meant when I told you to dump your boyfriend Rio: Well that's not what's happening either Rio: the kid's mum kicked off big time and rang the social so I'm helping out with damage control for Indie's sake Buster: Like I said, what the fuck Rio: It's not a big deal, really Buster: I know you wanted to move out ASAP but Christ Rio: I mean, it's a bonus to be away from ALL the kids but I still gotta share with Indie so not living lavish Buster: I'm sure Drew would be happy to discuss the sleeping arrangements, babe Rio: You're so gross Rio: and apparently it's a new one every week here so three's more of a crowd Buster: Me? I'm not the one letting this happen Buster: I go away & everyone loses their minds, yeah? Rio: We've always helped her, what were we meant to do Buster: I ain't saying don't Buster: Take her to your house Rio: She won't stay, this is her house, he's her dad Buster: He ain't Buster: & You're not her mum Rio: I'm not trying to be Rio: but he is, like it or not Buster: Does he know that 'cause he's got you lined up like you are Buster: Which is the only thing I reckon he's trying at here Rio: That's stupid, we're like sisters Rio: but that's why I need to be here, or she might get taken Buster: You're stupid if you think that's how he sees you or any of this Buster: Do what you've gotta do, but so will I & apparently that's saying this shit 'cause nobody else is Rio: You're making it into a thing it ain't Rio: he's a grown-man, for God's sake Buster: That's exactly my point Buster: He's old enough to be your dad but he'd rather be your daddy Rio: Oh, please Buster: Take the warning or don't Buster: I'm not wrong Rio: Whatever, you've said your piece then Buster: Not whatever unless you've heard it Rio: 'course I heard Buster: Whatever then Rio: 👍 Rio: Are you there then Buster: Yeah Rio: what's it like Buster: What I expected Rio: sooooo Buster: So what do you what me to say? Rio: is that good or not Rio: you know how conversation works Buster: I'm obviously having the time of my life Buster: When don't I Rio: Alright Rio: glad to hear that Buster: 'Course Rio: let you get back to that Buster: Don't Rio: Don't what Buster: Don't go Rio: It must be weird, being somewhere new and totally on your own Rio: did many other kids from your school do it too or Buster: A couple of nerds, no competition for me, like Rio: I'm sure Rio: be good if you could hang with them though Rio: some familiarity Buster: I'm not trying to ruin my rep when I only just got here Rio: I'm sure they aren't that bad Buster: What do you wanna bet? Rio: 😏 you're so rude Buster: & You're so polite Buster: It's why we're so good together Rio: Opposites attract, is it Buster: We're not total opposites either though Rio: No Rio: 'cos you reckon you're so perfect that'd just mean I'm shit and I think not Buster: 😂 Buster: You know you're on my level Rio: You've told me lots of times Buster: Believe me then Rio: I know I'm that bitch Rio: obviously Buster: Good 'cause I miss that bitch Buster: Obviously Rio: Yeah? Buster: Yeah Rio: I miss you too Rio: even if I really do want you to have a good time Buster: You can say that you'd rather we were having a good time together Rio: In an ideal world Buster: We can make it happen in this one Rio: We can Buster: As long as Drew doesn't hold you hostage Rio: 🙄 Rio: I doubt he's gonna appreciate all the cleaning I've done that hard Rio: which is rude, I agree Buster: He would've if he was there watching you do it Rio: Didn't pack the maid's outfit, like Buster: Gutted for him Rio: I'm sure Buster: How long are you staying? Rio: Not sure, depends if it's a one visit and done thing or they wanna keep tabs on them for longer Rio: once that's sorted, I'll see what I wanna do next Buster: When are they showing up? Rio: They don't exactly ring ahead, like Rio: don't have to let them in but that looks dodgy and if they need to they come back with police so Rio: the sooner we get this looking presentable and the story straight Rio: his stash is gone so that's the main thing Buster: That will have hit him where it really hurts Rio: Big time Rio: assumedly they've got shit in place, like it's at another dealers? Rio: I don't care, really Buster: He don't love anyone enough to flush it babe, even you Rio: 💔 Rio: Truly 😂 Rio: giveth and taketh so fast, you Buster: I can take my time too Rio: Man of many talents Buster: You know it Rio: Yeah Rio: not all of 'em yet, sadly Buster: Not even close Rio: Don't remind me Buster: Don't tell me you need a reminder Buster: I've thought about nothing else Rio: No Rio: me either Rio: which is very helpful when I've got all this shit to sort but Rio: not that mad Buster: I'm not that sorry Rio: What a surprise 😏 Buster: Only that I didn't get a chance to give you more to think about, like Rio: I didn't get to give you anything Buster: That's not true, I can make myself cum so hard whenever I'm reminded how you did for me Rio: Shit Rio: Buster Buster: Don't feel bad for me is all I'm saying Buster: I always want more, I'm used to that Rio: but Rio: I want to give you everything Rio: and I really want to touch you Buster: I want to give you everything too Buster: & Put more than just my fingers inside you Rio: Jesus Rio: I need you Rio: be here now, I'm bored Buster: I'm here Buster: Tell me what you need Rio: I need you to fuck me so hard I can't even think about anything that isn't you Buster: Touch yourself how I did it Buster: Right now, exactly like I want to Rio: Yes Rio: I haven't cum like that in Rio: ever Buster: It'll make you feel better Rio: You will Rio: you make me feel better Buster: I want you to feel good all the time Buster: That's the kind of god I am, babe Rio: Mine Buster: Fuck, that's such a turn on Rio: All I wanna do is worship you Buster: So do it Rio: You want me down on my knees for you? Buster: You know you look good like that Rio: Glad you think so Rio: it's for you Rio: [evidence] Buster: You're so fucking hot Rio: I am Rio: and wet Buster: I remember Rio: that's how I always am around you Buster: [sends his own evidence] Buster: That's how I always am for you Rio: Fuck Rio: like, my mouth is actually watering Rio: what the hell Buster: That reminds me, I didn't get to taste you Buster: Do it for me, yeah? Rio: I'll do whatever you ask me to Rio: you've got it like that Buster: Tell me what its like Buster: Make me miss you more Rio: I'm just so fucking ready,  it would feel so good for you Rio: and it's so loud, I'm going as hard as you would and I can hear every thrust, it's just making me wanna go even deeper and Rio: it tastes almost as good as it feels but I wish I was tasting myself on your fingers Rio: or on your cock, after you came too, so I could taste us together Buster: I thought I couldn't want you any more than I already do & then I all read that Rio: want me the most okay Buster: There's nobody I've ever wanted as much as you Rio: Good Rio: I'm keeping it that way Buster: I'm keeping you Buster: For as long as you can keep up with me Rio: You doubt I can? Buster: No Rio: Don't Buster: I can't. I'm never wrong Rio: Not like that Rio: but this is all types of wrong Buster: It's not, it's right Buster: You feel it, I feel it Rio: It feels more than right Buster: I know Rio: I want more Buster: There has to be something in that flat that can give you what you need Buster: Let's think Rio: I can't Rio: you've gotta for me Buster: Alright, have you unpacked or are we totally relying on a cupboard search here? Rio: I've unpacked Rio: even if there was anything phallic lying about here, I wouldn't be rushing to put it inside me, no matter how bad I need it Buster: Cleanliness is next to godliness, babe Buster: We're aiming for heaven not hell Buster: How good is your toothbrush? Rio: This is why I'm keeping you around Rio: so many good ideas Rio: better be in the bathroom too now, in case one of them comes back Buster: Lock the door & take your time Rio: Like you're gonna with me when you come back Buster: That's the plan but since every fucker's had a different one & kept me waiting so long I swear I could cum before you've even touched me Buster: Ruining my rep Rio: that's so hot, baby Rio: seriously Rio: we're gonna have all the time we want so it won't matter Rio: I wanna know how bad you want me Buster: I want you so bad it actually hurts Buster: I always reckoned that was bullshit but I do Rio: it's so real Rio: being in a room with you was so fucking hard Buster: All I could think about was touching you & kissing you & how much I needed that from you even for a second Buster: That's still all I can think about, like Rio: Me too Rio: it was exhausting having to pretend otherwise Rio: still do with everyone else but you know now Buster: You're so fucking beautiful Buster: Everything you do is the most distracting thing Rio: You actually think that Rio: I can tell Buster: There's literally no point lying to you now, is there? Rio: Nope Rio: but I don't reckon anyone's called me that seriously Rio: especially not during Buster: If I can tell you to fuck yourself with a toothbrush seriously, I can tell you what I really think Rio: I guess you can Buster: There's nothing I can't do Buster: You know who I am Rio: I know you Buster: You need better boyfriends and a better substitute for me Rio: You want those to be one in the same or Buster: They'll never be the same Rio: Daddy Buster: Nobody will ever be as good as me but they should all do better than they are Rio: I'll tell them Buster: Demand it babe Buster: & If they aren't gonna tell you how perfect you are, I will Rio: God please Rio: you're making me so Buster: Finish your sentence, I wanna hear it Rio: I don't even know what you're making me Rio: I feel like I'm gonna explode Buster: I felt like that the whole drive, the whole fucking night, you know Buster: It'd be ridiculous if it was over anyone else Rio: Seriously Rio: this ain't me Rio: whatever you might've thought Buster: I know you too Buster: Even when I pretend I don't Rio: Yeah Rio: it's fucked 'cos of how much you ain't been here and all that time not talking but Rio: you do, more than most people Rio: somehow Buster: They see what they wanna see, babe Buster: But there ain't nothing wrong with looking at you how you are Buster: I want to so I do Buster: Give me the real version, I'll take it Rio: It's yours Buster: You mean that, I can tell Rio: I did Rio: not gonna argue when what you're saying is true Buster: What's truer still is how much I want you here instead of there Rio: You know I want that too Buster: & That if I bothered with wishes I'd use one not to be in a room full of people right now when none of them are you Rio: How are you even able to be around people right now Buster: Multitasking Rio: I'm not doing a good enough job clearly Buster: I've just had loads of time to get used to what being around you feels like, firstly & keeping it a secret, secondly Buster: Plus I couldn't opt out of this welcome bullshit Rio: Fair and fair Rio: you should be concentrating though Buster: I'm concentrating on what matters Rio: Actually a bit obsessed with you right now Rio: you win Buster: If I'm doing a good enough job, so do you Rio: You're not capable of doing anything but the best, baby Buster: Don't flatter me like that in public Buster: I nearly just Rio: sometimes I want you to just Rio: lose control, just a bit, just with me Rio: anyway, not flattery if it's true is it Buster: You know I want that more than anything, yeah? Rio: Yeah Rio: I will make it happen, just not right right now Rio: not the first impression you wanna make, is it Buster: It's the impression I wanna leave you with though Rio: Danger, yeah? Buster: Yeah Rio: You're gonna be the death of me, you know Buster: You can't get to heaven without that, baby Rio: Didn't say don't do it Rio: don't stop Buster: I won't if you don't Buster: Come on Rio: Was I meant to tell you when I came? Rio: 'cos I have, multiple times Buster: All the more reason to keep going Buster: Unless your new boyfriend is back, like Rio: I thought you might go if you knew I had Rio: and I don't want you to Buster: I don't want to Buster: This is boring, you're not Rio: I never am Rio: that's a promise I can make, easy Buster: Good Buster: Prove it then Rio: Alright Rio: your sound is off, yeah? Buster: What kind of amateur do you think I am? Rio: Not tryna get you into that much trouble before you even start there Rio: save that for later Rio: and watch this later when you can listen too for the full experience Rio: [vid] Buster: I have headphones I'll do it now Buster: Hold on Rio: Okay Buster: Oh fuck Buster: You really are proving yourself, aren't you? Rio: Just keeping up with you Buster: No argument here Rio: I like watching myself back Buster: The kids behind me better not be watching you too, I'll have to start a fight & get a rep for being turned on my punching lads Rio: 😂 Rio: You DO like punching things but Buster: Not this much Buster: You're gonna make me have to walk out, aren't you? Rio: Well, only you've got headphones on, remember Rio: you make the best noises Buster: You must really like watching yourself to be this good at filming yourself Buster: This is like next level Rio: Ain't the first time I've done it, put it that way Rio: when I've managed to get some time to myself Rio: gotta make the most Buster: Girl of many talents Rio: You're gonna make me blush Buster: You're doing worse to me Buster: Fucking hell Rio: I owed you Rio: debt not cleared yet either, like Buster: What do I have to do to get sent home from America? 'Cause believe me I'm tempted Rio: Let's have fun finding out, golden boy Buster: Alright Buster: Taking my headphones out would be a good start, like but you know me & sharing Rio: It's just for you Buster: You are Buster: You're mine Rio: Does saying that turn you on as much as hearing it does for me Rio: 'cos fuck Buster: Yeah it does Rio: It's true Buster: I'm biting my lip so hard right now Buster: There's gonna be blood in my mouth for you Rio: You're impossible Rio: how are you fucking every fantasy I've ever had rolled into one Buster: If you find out, ask how you're the best thing that ever happened to me, yeah? Rio: You must look so fucking good right now Rio: how has no one noticed Buster: Maybe someone has Buster: I'll find out when we're forced to do icebreakers later Rio: Lemme know, babe Buster: Are you sure you wanna? Rio: What you mean? Buster: You know what I mean Rio: Oh Rio: yeah Rio: don't Buster: Don't tell you or don't do it Rio: Don't tell me Rio: you can do what you want Rio: got a boyfriend, don't I Buster: No you don't Buster: Drew's more of a threat than he is Rio: So you keep saying Rio: it ain't like you're gonna go Rio: however long you're there Rio: without sex Buster: I told you, I can do anything Rio: and anyone, right Buster: If I want Rio: What do you want Buster: Dump your boyfriend then ask me Rio: It's not that easy is it Buster: Why not? Rio: He's Rio: it's hard to explain, really Buster: Try Rio: You've seen how he posts Rio: he's intense Rio: been hurt before bad, I don't need to be the next Buster: I can be intense Buster: & I can hurt him Rio: You don't need to Rio: I'm the one in the wrong Buster: Fine Rio: I want to Rio: I will Rio: I can't just fire him a text and pretend it's done to you Rio: I'm not trying to lie to you Buster: Yeah don't Rio: I'm not Rio: I ain't going to Rio: I'm sick of that Buster: Me too Rio: I'll sort it Buster: Take your time, I'm not coming back until summer Rio: Be married if I left it that long, Christ Buster: I already told you I'd stop the wedding Buster: Just don't have a kid, you'd be nearly ready to drop when I walk through the door Rio: No chance Rio: that'd be a nightmare Buster: You're 16 of course it would Rio: Yeah but specifically with him Rio: don't need that connection forever Rio: thank you Buster: I could kill him but I'd rather it didn't come to that for the sake of you not having him as a baby daddy Rio: I must be special Rio: could've just offered to win a custody battle for me Buster: Obviously Buster: Like you said, I enjoy punching shit Rio: You have that in common, actually Buster: Don't Buster: Never compare me to him Rio: Sorry Buster: There's no comparison Rio: I know that better than anyone Rio: promise Buster: You would tell me Buster: If you couldn't sort it Rio: Yeah Rio: It's not anything serious, don't worry Buster: Just know that I'd do anything for you Buster: If things ever get serious, with whoever or whatever Rio: You're really decent, you know Rio: not something I thought I'd be saying about you, honestly Rio: but you are Buster: Shut up Rio: Secret's safe with me Buster: It's not a secret, it's an untruth Rio: Not to me Buster: Like you said, you must be special then Rio: Maybe Buster: Definitely Buster: We all have to own what we are & what we're not Rio: Agreed Rio: so we're special, yeah? Buster: & Indecent Rio: Like the sound of that Buster: 😈 Rio: You can be my devil too Buster: Easily done Rio: Long as you want me to feel good still Buster: Forever then Rio: Deal Buster: Still not cutting my beautiful hand open to seal it though Buster: No offense, babe Rio: Other more fun ways to get blood from you Rio: I'll bite your lip instead Buster: One day I won't have to beat you to it Rio: I'll put it on my calendar Buster: Throw me a private party, yeah? Rio: You know I will Rio: everyone else can wait Rio: I'll have missed you most Buster: I can't wait to show you properly how much I want you Rio: I want you all summer, seriously Rio: don't make any plans Buster: Okay Rio: Do you know how fucking needy I'm gonna be by then Buster: Believe me, I know Buster: You haven't touched me & can't Rio: Baby Rio: tell me when you're alone again Rio: don't care what the time is Buster: Are you sure? It's still morning here, it'll be ages before they're done with this socialising bullshit Rio: Yeah Rio: It'll be weird sleeping here Buster: Alright Buster: You distract me, I'll distract you Rio: Another deal Buster: Yeah Rio: I'm not at school yet Rio: and fuck school anyway Buster: Fuck your school Buster: This one is epic Buster: It's like I'm in a film or some shit Rio: You're adorable Buster: Shut up Rio: I'm not taking the piss Rio: you are Buster: Adorable ain't the word, babe Rio: You like being called a nerd less Buster: So don't Rio: It's not a diss Buster: It ain't a compliment Rio: You told me not to when you're in public Buster: Well, maybe I've changed my mind Rio: Come on Rio: you know how hot I think you are Buster: You know I like hearing it Rio: I've lost count of how many times I've cum thinking about you today Buster: I've lost count of how many times I've had to stop myself Rio: You're gonna blow the biggest load when you do Rio: such a waste Rio: you'll have to show me at least Buster: They're giving us a break in a sec, you can have it then Rio: Yes please Buster: I don't need coffee, I need you Rio: I know you do Rio: So cum for me daddy, I want it, I wanna make you feel as good as you've made me Buster: Rio Rio: Buster Buster: I can't say it out loud until they let me out of here but I want to Rio: Will you Rio: record it so I can keep it Buster: Yeah Buster: It won't look as good as yours, I don't film myself as much as you but I will Rio: You should Rio: you're very pretty Buster: I know Rio: and hot Rio: it's rude Buster: It's about to benefit you Buster: Where do you want me to go? I've got 15 minutes Rio: Hmm Rio: there's got to be an empty classroom or something, no Buster: There's loads Buster: Hold on Rio: You should sit on the teacher's desk Buster: Good idea Rio: Only fitting Buster: There's so much shit on here Buster: Fuck's sake Rio: Push it to the floor Buster: Way ahead of you, I'm not trying to cum all over someone's homework Rio: A new spin on the old excuse Rio: but I'm not trying to be jealous of someone's homework, tah Buster: That was loud though, if anyone heard that I could get sent home sooner than we expected Buster: I'm not gonna stop now, I can't Rio: As much as I want you here your parents would actually kill me Rio: gotta be a good boy, even when you're being really bad Buster: They'd kill me, they don't know its your fault Buster: Nobody knows what you do to me & what you make me wanna do Rio: It's just for us Buster: If I could I'd tell everyone how good you are, you deserve all the credit for getting me this worked up this fast Rio: you'll just have to give me extra credit, yeah Rio: like you said, maybe the kids behind you know how good I am too Rio: can brag if it helps your rep Buster: So you hate it when I brag unless its about you, yeah? Rio: I don't hate it Rio: just when you brag to me Buster: I'll be good, like you told me to, don't worry Rio: Believe it when I see it, boy Buster: It's recording, be patient Rio: Fine Rio: as I don't have to be THAT patient Buster: It's hot when you're this impatient Rio: That's why you left it years then, yeah? Buster: That & I needed to practice my kissing, obviously Rio: 😏 Rio: I like kissing you Buster: Yeah? Buster: I've got good lips, I remember Rio: You've got good everything Rio: s'rude Buster: You'll feel differently when you can do whatever you want to me for as long as you want Rio: yeah Rio: hope so Rio: I remember you said I could have one for every day so you'll have to crack on right away, like Buster: You can do the maths on 7 months worth of days whenever you miss me Rio: What day do you come back? Buster: 1st, same as when I left Rio: 213 then Rio: no pressure Buster: Firstly, I thrive under pressure & secondly, it's really how fast you worked that out Buster: hot* Buster: It'll be easy Buster: We've got all summer Rio: Good thing too, some people might not appreciate being made to work their summer Rio: and shut up Buster: Make me Buster: I actually need you to so I don't get caught Rio: You're so fucking Rio: but it's just for me Rio: we're gonna be pros at not getting caught by the end of the summer Buster: I'm not a pro yet though so come here & keep me quiet, it's the least you can do when it's your fault I'm being this loud Rio: All the ways I could keep you quiet Rio: hmm, which would be most fun Buster: Think fast Buster: Or everyone's gonna know your name Rio: Yeah, 'cos that's not what I want at all Buster: Please Buster: Help me out here, like Rio: Fuck Rio: Okay baby Rio: you just need something you can bite on harder than your lip Buster: Good thing I'm on a teacher's desk surrounded by pens & pencils Buster: Better go with the latter to not get shit loads of ink in my mouth if I bite too hard Rio: Be really cute but more of a giveaway Rio: show me the damage after Buster: I've done that before but never for this reason Buster: It takes ages to get rid Rio: Fuck's sake Rio: you're killing me Buster: It's mutual baby Rio: Yeah Rio: it really is Buster: I'll buy you a new toothbrush, I promise Rio: 😂 thanks, babe Rio: battery died ages ago Buster: Fuck that, I'll buy you something better to play with then Rio: Really? Buster: Land of the free, home of the brave Buster: Spoilt for choice Rio: Don't try and bring back anything too big, they will search your bag, like Buster: I'll get it sent to you, you shouldn't have to wait for everything Rio: You're so good to me Buster: You're just so good, full stop Rio: I wanna be Rio: for you Buster: You are Buster: & You're mine anyway Rio: I'm yours, Buster Buster: Shit Buster: Well, that did it Buster: You did Rio: 🤤 Rio: Gimme gimme Buster: Hold on, I gotta clean up in case I've also gotta run Rio: Good idea Rio: why you need me there Buster: A box of tissues is no replacement, babe Rio: Sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me Buster: I aim to please Rio: mhmm and I give you somewhere else to aim Buster: If you turn me on again, I swear to god Buster: There ain't enough pencils or tissues in this room Rio: Best behaviour 🤐🤞 Buster: Though losing my voice would get me out of icebreakers Buster: Maybe I should let you Buster: I could just be the strong, silent type all day Rio: 😏 A mood Buster: All the American girls I've met so far would love it, they never shut the fuck up Rio: 😂 Rio: you don't even have to pretend to listen, trust Buster: I won't Buster: I'll be too busy tuning the accent out Rio: At least the school is good, like Buster: This desk is pretty comfortable, yeah Buster: I'll give 'em that Buster: We probably wouldn't even break it Rio: Be fun to try though Buster: Fun ain't the word Rio: They gonna teach you any new words over there Rio: Probably won't spell or say 'em right, remember Buster: 😂 Buster: I'll teach 'em where they're going wrong Rio: If you're offering diction lessons, I don't wanna know Buster: It'd only make me homesick Buster: Say what you like about Chelsea girls but when they talk dirty to you, it makes up for a multitude of other sins Rio: Shut up Rio: idiot Buster: [drops vid like don't be mad at me ILY lol] Rio: Nice save Buster: Better than nice, you'll see Rio: Someone's back Rio: gonna have to wait Buster: Tell your man, I said hello Rio: Hilarious Buster: Not joking or laughing, like Rio: Don't start this again Buster: I never stopped Rio: Well I don't know what you want me to say Buster: Tell me that you know this is a bad idea but you're doing it anyway Buster: Be honest Rio: I know Drew is a bit Rio: well, Drew Rio: but he wouldn't do that and more importantly, I wouldn't Rio: Indie needs me Buster: Rio, come on Buster: Don't act like that's one line he wouldn't cross Rio: He's known me forever Rio: literally Buster: & He treats everyone else he knows so well, yeah? Buster: Why does Indie need you? 'Cause he's a selfish cunt Rio: I'm not saying that Rio: or disputing that he is Rio: it's not like this is an endorsement of him Rio: I'm just saying he really is not gonna wanna fuck someone he's known since they were an actual baby Buster: I've known you that long, what's the difference? Rio: You're the same age, it's different Rio: he would've been our age, old enough to remember it all Buster: He acts like he's our age still Rio: Yeah Rio: I mean, it must be shit Rio: all your friends get wifed up really early Rio: like, are you planning to be grown up by the time your 30? Buster: Is he planning to be grown up by the time his kids are, more like Buster: That's what's shit Buster: For them Rio: It's a shit situation Rio: always has been Buster: Just be careful, okay? Rio: Of course Rio: don't worry Buster: Don't make me Rio: I'm not Rio: I won't Buster: Good Rio: 👍 Buster: Do you have to go? Rio: I can stay Rio: we've not got school for another 2 days so Rio: just doing stuff here Buster: At least when Indie's in school it ain't your job to stop her from almost killing her classmates Rio: Well, in theory Rio: teachers don't do fuck all, do they Buster: Mine just kick you out at the first sign of anything less than perfection Buster: Stricter when it's posher Rio: 'Course Rio: but you can pay to be there no matter how thick you are Rio: look at our politicians, half of 'em went to oxford Buster: No argument Buster: It worked for Nance, who can't even read Rio: Don't be a dick Buster: It's a fact Rio: Not really and you don't have to point things out just 'cos they're true, you know Buster: You don't have to hide from things just 'cause you don't want them to be true either Buster: I bet she loves it there anyway, the playing field's well levelled, no fucker's reading Rio: 🙄 You're such a snob Buster: Fuck off Rio: What, you blatantly are Buster: If I was a snob, I wouldn't like you, would I? Rio: Oh wow, so nice of you to stoop to my level Buster: It ain't my fault you're trying so hard not to be on mine Rio: Whatever, like Buster: You're not working class, like Rio: You're the one chatting that I am Buster: 'Cause you try so hard to be Buster: Only when it suits you though Rio: Do I Rio: well ain't that exactly what you applaud yourself for Rio: adapting and overcoming, all that bullshit Buster: 'Cause that's what I do Buster: You think you can have your cake, eat it & then judge me for my fucking choices Rio: It isn't judging you to point out when you're being a dick Buster: A snob is a pejorative term Buster: & Yet you're the one thinking you're superior to me 'cause you chat council but spend like you're from Chelsea Rio: Are you serious? Rio: Oh my God Rio: you said I can't read and I'm lucky you give me the time of day Rio: if that's how I'm meant to behave 'cos my parents have money then I'd rather fake it the other way, thanks Buster: Nah, I said my sister can't & she must be loving your shit school Buster: Which is how you've described it loads of times Buster: You're smart, don't be stupid Rio: Have you asked her yourself Rio: as you're so interested Buster: Why are you asking me a question you already know the answer to? Buster: I said, don't be stupid Rio: Prove a point Buster: What's your point? She don't wanna talk to me, that's been proven loads of times Rio: Are you trying Buster: Trying to what, change her mind? Buster: Why would I wanna Rio: Because you wanna talk to her, obviously Buster: I don't Rio: Alright Buster: Is it? Or do you wanna judge me for that as well? Rio: Oh shut up Buster: Don't tell me to shut up Rio: I will Rio: you've called me stupid plenty of times, you've earnt it Buster: You've been stupid, you aren't Buster: That's why it's frustrating Rio: I'm not a child Buster: Don't be childish then Rio: I'd quit whilst you were vaguely ahead if I were you Buster: I'm not a quitter, babe. You've got the wrong twin Rio: Do you want to talk about her or not? Buster: I'm not talking about her, I'm talking about me Rio: Sure Rio: that's what your icebreakers are for Buster: I'll go do 'em then Buster: You've made your point Rio: Okay Rio: Enjoy then Buster: I'll do my best Rio: No doubt Buster: Shouldn't be Rio: You're arguing for the sake of now Buster: You're winding me up for the sake of Rio: I'm not that bored Rio: busy, busy Buster: Then stop Buster: Or fuck off Buster: One or the other Rio: If that's what you want Buster: It's what I said Rio: I said go have fun Buster: Fine Rio: Don't be moody Buster: Don't make me Rio: I ain't done anything Buster: Bullshit Buster: You're always doing something Buster: I miss you Rio: you think I don't miss you too Rio: I miss you loads, actually and it's fucking Buster: I want you so bad Buster: I can't do this Buster: Months of it Rio: There's no alternative though Rio: we have to Buster: I know, fuck's sake, I know Buster: I'm just jetlagged or whatever Buster: Forget it Rio: Yeah Rio: sure, fine by me Buster: It is fine & I can do anything Rio: I never said you couldn't Rio: it'll be alright Buster: I'll cum in this classroom again & get over it Buster: Who else am I, like? Rio: Buster, it's okay Rio: it's a totally new experience, it's fine to feel overwhelmed, doesn't mean you won't ace it Buster: Don't Rio: Okay Rio: but it's true Buster: It's not, there is no out of my depth Rio: Not the word I used Rio: and not what I meant Rio: moving and starting something new is hectic Rio: even if you can handle it Buster: Like I said, I thrive under pressure Buster: There's nothing I can't handle Rio: Exactly, they wouldn't have chosen you otherwise, would they Buster: I know you think I just paid my way here Rio: No I don't Buster: If I think I'm better, it's 'cause I am Buster: 'Cause I put in the work to be Rio: Literally never tried to take that away from you Rio: just saying you don't have to call me or your sister thick to prove that Rio: there's plenty of proof already, yeah? Buster: I'd never call you thick 'cause I'm never wrong Buster: You're really smart Rio: You don't need to do that now Rio: like you said, you work hard Rio: I don't Buster: You can still do anything Buster: Whatever you want Buster: Just like I can Rio: I know Rio: just priorities Rio: not everyone wants the same shit Buster: There's no limits, that's all I'm saying Buster: Nance ain't the same Buster: She's never been Rio: I'm sure she still has plans Buster: She has to, she may have left but there's no escaping mum & dad Buster: It's not the same as being self motivated Rio: No Rio: but maybe she's alright with that Rio: or maybe she ain't Rio: but what can you do Rio: self-motivation for a reason, like Buster: She does what she does to please them, I do what I do to please myself Buster: There's plenty I could do if she let me Rio: She'll find her thing Buster: Not if she keeps jacking everything in as soon as it gets hard Rio: That's not what leaving London was about Rio: come on Buster: Yeah it was Buster: She gave up Rio: She was being really badly bullied Rio: nothing is worth living like that day in day out Rio: especially if you don't even want it for yourself Buster: She let it get to that Rio: She couldn't control that Rio: that's on the people who were doing it Buster: She could've Buster: Just take it back from them Rio: Just take it, you mean Rio: she's not you, is she Buster: No, just stop it Buster: There's a way to stop anything Rio: Not be gay, not be shy, not be herself Rio: she could've but maybe she was over not having anything she wanted Rio: if she's already got to live for your parents in one way, why live for people who would still probably hate her anyway as well Buster: Those are all excuses, they did it to her 'cause they could. Simple as Rio: There's obvious reasons why they picked on her and not you, alright Rio: and I'm sorry but no, just being strong would not stop it Rio: nothing is about you is a target where you live, you can't get it Rio: you fit, she didn't Buster: They'd pick on me if I was a pussy Buster: But I made myself fit Rio: Well she didn't want to then, can be simple as that Buster: You think I wanted to day 1 when we moved there? Buster: Fuck that Rio: I'm sure you didn't Rio: she needed an out and she took the first she could Rio: you're working for yours Buster: She didn't work for hers Buster: She never works for anything Rio: She went through a lot of shit, though Buster: Woe's her then Rio: I'm just saying Buster: Look where you are & what for Buster: Everyone's going through it Buster: She ain't special Rio: Yeah, of course Rio: I'm not saying she's the only one who has or is going through bullshit Rio: I know you did too Buster: I didn't & don't mean me Buster: I'm not struggling, never have done Buster: Like you said, obvious reasons Rio: You want me to agree like I believe that? Rio: Reasons you just had different problems Rio: rich boys aren't exempt, they just get lots less sympathy for theirs Buster: There ain't no reason for you to disagree or disbelieve Buster: I can barely play the dead brother card 'cause he weren't one Buster: Got not even a day's mileage out of that Rio: You're not allowed to talk about it, I remember Buster: There's nothing to talk about anyway, he's just a name, didn't get to be anything else Rio: He existed for 9 months before that Rio: I know it doesn't start the day they pop out Buster: Not to me, I was a kid, what did I care? Buster: That's my mum's grief not mine Rio: You weren't that young Buster: A lad then, what does it matter Rio: You were allowed to grieve Rio: you still are Buster: Like I said, for what? Buster: It ain't as if I'm an only child Rio: For what he coulda been, who Buster: That'd be like grieving for who I reckon my sister should be Buster: Not gonna have a candlelit vigil for her backbone Rio: You can do Rio: think it's considered a bit insensitive to hold a funeral for her 'just 'cos she's not gonna have the husband and 2.5 kids these days but I'll keep it on the dl Buster: We don't know who he would've been & we never will Buster: It's a waste of time Rio: Yeah Rio: It's a big waste of time and you can't do anything about it Buster: Why do you want me to be powerless? Like is that a turn on for you or what? Buster: I don't want your fucking pity, alright Rio: I don't and no it's not Rio: I told you, you won't get any Buster: Good Buster: Maybe you reckon I should be fucked up but I ain't Buster: Gutted to burst your bubble though Rio: Why would I want that Buster: You tell me Rio: I don't Rio: so I've got no idea Buster: Then stop chatting like I have all these issues Rio: I just said you can Rio: not that you do Buster: Well, cheers for your permission in that case Rio: Any time Buster: I have to go Rio: Okay then Rio: talk to you later Buster: Yeah

[vxnevermorevx]

Welcome to my mind

For the last three years, my mind has been... Well, shit. Not that it hadn't been on a steady decline for years prior.

Recently, someone named her Denise. My other me. "Because that's what she is..when something is the opposite of something it's de-. She's not nice, she's De-Nice..."

Denise.

The name give to the me that's not me but spends more time pretending to be me than I do.

*Character Bio*

When I'm not Denise, I'm Ginny and she was the most wonderful person. I miss her dearly.

I had a great childhood. Very few psychological events, in my opinion. We never had much money, but my mom made sure I never knew it. My father worked hard at both his job and destroying his marriage; which is probably one of the marks on my childhood. More to come on that, I'm sure.

I didn't have trouble in school, per se. Bullied only a handful of times in all my school years. My mom is a designer, so I wore things you couldn't find on stores throughout my whole school life. I was *always* ahead of the trend and some kids couldn't handle it. We're talking 1991-2003. So, jumpers, corsets, mesh dusters, pants with fur on the bottom, dressing like anime characters... I was the first of everyone around me to be dressing that way. And I loved it!

But I had my revenge, as my hecklers could be seen wearing the same things they made fun of me for, after it became trendy. I guess you didn't have to be dead to be caught wearing that after all...

I struggled in math and excelled in art and writing. I had mostly good teachers, I think only one hated me.

I met all my best friends there. Can't say I've made all that many more in the years since. But, in my defense I'm surrounded by people who are nothing like me. You see, I grew up in Florida. All my vital youthful years were spent there. And now I live near Portland, Oregon. God, why? I even lost one of my dearest friends to the city. She completely changed from a fun, artistic girl who liked to draw, read, and cook...to...one of them. She's now a guilt vegan ( let's you know how disgusting you are for eating meat ) and is obsessed with shows that need to be cancelled. I had known this girl since first grade, she said she would follow the first friend who loved out of state. That was me, so she came out here too. Our friendship immediately began deteriorating as she would not allow me in my own room during the day, because she was talking to some loser friend of hers online. This person left her in a Walgreen's 20 miles from her home, on the wrong side of town, when we were all barely old enough to drive, because she was taking too long looking at eyeliner. But, she sounds like a solid individual to begin emulating. Are you serious? I watched my fully replacement take effect. 20 years of friendship completely gone in a matter of months. Have you ever watched someone stop carrying about you? Think about it. No, don't think about it. It's awful. She even physically ended our friendship. The first I had ever experienced. It was wrenching. But, I'm too far ahead now. I need to tell you how I got to Oregon.

Somewhere around me being 16, my dad stopped coming home. His mother had recently died and he knew some pretty shitty people willing to help him take the pain away. How does a poor, dyslexic, hoodlum, with a history of abuse cure the blues? Crack, of course. My mom did all she knew how to do, but she was pretty done with it all. They got divorced and some rich old lady "saved" him and whisked him off to Maryland where he would suffer many years of depression for what he had done to his family.

Now, it was just my mother and me. I immediately got a job and gave her my entire paycheck to help keep us in our lovely house. But as fate would have it, the city claimed eminent domain on our house with plans to build a water treatment facility. So, they lowballed us on what our house was worth and gave us 6 months to move. Now, here's some important side information: my mom is an army brat who grew up with mountains her whole life, until moving to Florida for my dad, which was apparently one of the last places she ever wanted to be. And my chummy from another tummy, was born in Oregon and had recently left me to go to OSU. This girl is my sister by all counts but blood. So, with a few other helping factors the logical answer was to start anew. How completely different my life would have been if I stayed. Can't say it would be better, just 100% different from what it is now.

But, in 2005 we moved to Oregon on the promise that we would do all the things we wanted to do and be living in Seattle in a few years.

None of that worked out. I can still remember the first night we spent in our apartment. I hated it. I let everyone know too. I think I cried for a week. I just wanted to go home. My Sisi was too far away to see her more often than the weekends and slowly her grades began to falter. This led to her dropping out and moving back to Florida just five months after I moved out here for her. I fell apart. I had only my mom and I love her, but sometimes you need your friends... You know? We did what we could and took jobs we hated and tried to get used to our new surroundings. I'm apparently a spoiled brat so I'm sure I made things painful for my mom who was finally back in her element and here I was stomping around telling everyone how much I hated it. Hate it. Present tense. I know the whole world is a cess pool of hipster, millennial idiots who all think that they know how to run the world, but the concentration of their free-for-all holier-than-thou ways is as dense here as the trees. It's exhausting listening to people who haven't showered in a week tell you how special they are because they have this heightened awareness that they learned from some Joe Blow and happens to not be fact at all. I have had a 24 year old Hispanic girl tell me that only white people can be racist, everyone else is prejudice. I told her that that in itself was a racist statement. And she said "no it's not. My teacher told me, and she has a PhD." I don't think I need to explain the definition of racism, but I do think Manson could have thrived in this town.

Fast forward quite a few years and we are both still in Oregon working jobs we hate not getting any of the things done we said we would. Are we lazy? Are we depressed? I'm sure it's both.

But, a small miracle comes my way, as I'm getting dressed to go down to the office to sign the next years lease I get a call from a woman who used to work with me. She asks if we are still looking for a new place to live and I tell her yes! We end up renting her townhouse from her because she's getting married. She proves to be a terrible landlord, probably because she's not all that good at being a person. She's really great at other things, but not that. Somme people are like that. But, I also haven't learned how to speak Oregonian in the 14 years I have been here.

A few more years and we end up buying the house and I have changed jobs for my health and things are looking up. I lose some of the weight I had acquired in my sorrows. I even find a guy that I can tolerate. Mostly bc he's 4000 miles away in another country. But, I struggle to find my way in our incredibly mismatched relationship. And he's so smart. So, successful... Here it comes... "what's he doing with a loser like me?"

My friends.... They all have something to show for their lives: degrees, children (Im not interested in these things,) husbands, jobs they don't hate....

I have a mortgage and a ridiculously high HOA, two payed off cars, 50 extra pounds on my ass, a job I'm not particularly built for, and a guy whom I love differently than he loves me.

I'm killing it.... Or myself. One way or the other. "I still haven't figured that shit out yet " -Eddie Murphy

I think this a pretty good place to stop for now. You should have a good amount of reference points for the following posts which will entirely be me, describing my chronic severe depression hoping that someone somewhere might read it and know they are not alone. I feel such a sense of validation when I read something from someone who feels the same as I do. This blog isn't for attention or critiquing, as most will likely be written when things like grammar and story structure aren't focused on. It's purely to get the chaos out so, I can organize it.

I don't know who you are but if you're reading this far, please stay tuned if you want to say "Wow, that's exactly how I feel."

Do good.

[estrxlar]

The Ghost Of You

19 - Clean Canvas

This chapters songs:

Here She Comes; Slowdive

Dog Cuddles; Dad Sports

Dream Girl; Crisaunt

- Y. L. Perspective

I tapped my chin with the pen, frustrated that you weren't able to come up with anything. "Ah! Koshi, that hurt!" I yell at him as he softens his hands upon my shoulders. He was giving me a gentle back massage while I tried writing my first lyrics, but I was struggling to find the right words to say.

"Sorry!" He then stops squeezing my shoulders, letting his hands slide down my torso, and pull me into a hug from behind. His head nuzzled into my neck as he spoke. "What is the song about?"

I shrug. "I don't even know yet. Maybe I should just write about how much of an untalented and wasteful girl I am!" I scoff, rolling my eyes back. Now, out of all moments, my feelings decide to disappear.

Both Koshi and I say criss-cross on his bed with one single lamp on in his room. His room was not at all what I was expecting. I'd perceived it to be much messier in my head, the way an average teenage boys' room would be. But no! It was spotless and quite basic. Still, I felt very comfortable in his arms as I attempted to write down some ideas. Feeling his heartbeat on my back was enough to make me feel at home.

"Why don't you write about us, Y/n?" He asks me as he pulls me back and forth in a sway motion. The suggestion had already popped into my mind before. But if I could write about it, what would I say? How I'm in love with someone who won't tie the knot between us?

'What am I doing at his house if he's not even my boyfriend? I've got to gain some self-respect.'

Perhaps bringing it up wouldn't be as bad as I thought. So, I pull myself away from his arms and sit in front of him, fully staring at his confused face.

"What is it?" His fair voice questions, one of his fingers attempting to fiddle with my oversized t-shirt.

There was so much to say. Why arent you my boyfriend yet? Why won't you tell me what's on your mind for once? Aren't you excited about the training camp? But I decide to pick the first question. "Koshi, what's there to write about? I...I know that we both like each other very much, but what does it matter if you won't call me your girlfriend?" I look down at the grey shorts I wore, afraid that he would be disappointed in me for wanting more from him.

"I didn't know you felt that way. I guess...I guess I just wanted you to feel comfortable around me, not forced to be with me," Koshi mutters under his breath, ashamed he underestimated my love for him.

"Well of course I want to be with you!" I exclaim, leaning my head onto his chest. It worries me that he felt insecure about his love. It wasn't as if he could be giving me too much affection. So why didn't he trust that I loved him?

I sigh while he rubs my back in a circular motion, wishing he would tell me things that bothered him like this. "So you wouldn't mind being my girlfriend, Y/n?" The man's words are clear to me when he said them, not lagged like all the other times.

I nod my head. "Of course not."

"Hm, okay. Then for our first memory of being a couple, I wanna hold you," Koshi says, laying us both down onto his mattress. He leans over me, stretching to grab one of the blankets on his shelf, and unfolding it over us.

"But it's so cold. Why don't we just go under your comforter?" I ask him, pulling slightly at the corner of the thick bed sheet. But he denies my request and pulls my wrist back.

He says, "Uh-Uh-Uh! I prefer it to be cold. When we go to your house, we can use the comforter. If you're that cold then you're gonna have to hug me tighter."

I'm surprised at how stubborn Koshi was being with me but glad he was becoming more comfortable with sharing his opinion. He treated me like a princess most of the time instead of asking for what he really wants. Even if it was just the matter of a blanket.

"Do you wanna help me try and think of something to write about?" I ask him in the most delicate voice.

"What's something that saddens you, Y/n? Something that you're worried will cause you despair towards the future?" Koshi asks me. I genuinely hadn't thought about it yet. "Love is more than just feelings. I think it comes with a lot of pain. Has there ever been any pain that you've encountered during being in love?"

"Not really." My words couldn't be more honest. With Toruku, I felt sick that I had a crush on my best friend's boyfriend. And when she passed, those feelings for him weren't nearly as strong as the ones I felt about her death. As for Koshi, I've only been scared of the pain. But I hadn't endured it yet. At least that was what I thought. Truth is that every lasting second I spent with him could only cause me more and more pain in the future. "Maybe when I find what to write about, I shouldn't tell you. I should let you figure it out when I'm done with it."

"Planning something behind my back?! How evil of you." Koshi jokes, leaning on one of his elbows to hold himself up as he looked at me. With the pale moonlight shining down on him and the lamp lighting the room up slightly, he looked more beautiful than ever. I was glad that I was the one to be able I witness such an ethereal moment with him. Especially since he held me in a special place. I was his first love, after all. That's more important than any relationship he could have had with previous girls.

Attempting to obtain reassurance, I grow curious and begin to play with my new boyfriend, asking small questions. "So...what does it feel like to have sex with a girl, Kou? I've never done that before... do they smell nice? Are they soft?" It was obvious that I'd caught him off guard, for he stuttered and looked at me strangely. "I promise I won't get jealous if you tell me. I only want to know what it's like. It may help me with writing if you tell me about passionate moments like that."

Given that I'd never done anything that was borderline sexual with anyone else, I was curious about how it felt. Both physically and mentally.

"Uhm—stressful. And I haven't done it as much as you might think, so I haven't ever enjoyed it." It comes to me as a shock that he didn't have a slightly good experience that he could tell me about.

"Wh-really?! But...I thought all guys liked it! You're saying it didn't even feel good?" I waft my hand into the cold air, confused.

"No, silly. Of course it felt good, but it wasn't as passionate as you think. I wasn't ever in love with any of those girls, so it only made me feel worse. Sex isn't good for those who aren't ready for it," he explains to me.

I nod, understanding a bit more of what he meant. "Does that mean you weren't ready?"

"Mhm. I wasn't," he says. Deciding to switch up the question, he asks me, "So, what is it like to have sex with a guy? I bet they aren't very good-smelling, are they?"

I blink a few times. "Uhm, I dunno," I say, growing shy at the question. "I haven't ever...you know...had sex."

Too scared to look at Koshi, I stuff my head into a pillow and sigh obnoxiously. Though I knew he wouldn't make that much of a big deal out of it, I didn't want him thinking I was a prude. A lot of people that knew I was a virgin made fun of me for it. Truth was, I'd never found someone worthy of taking my virginity. Many told me that it was horrible for your mental health, especially for younger people like me. Not to mention how scared I was that whoever took my virginity would be rough with me and it would hurt like hell.

"Hey, hey...don't get all embarrassed on me. A lot of people haven't. That's nothing to be ashamed about. Being a virgin doesn't make you any less of a woman. If it were up to me, I'd go back and stay a virgin until the right time," Koshi states. His attempts to cheer me up were sweet, but not working all that much.

"What do you think, Kou? Do you like me better that way? You know, as a virgin?" I ask him, slightly peeking up at his lost expression.

Yes, it was something very awkward to ask. But I did want to know what he preferred. Not that I would be able to change last second if he didn't like me as I was.

"Th—that isn't something I have power over, so I don't think about it. But...you could say I prefer it."

I'm happy with his answer. Still, I was curious about the reason, so I ask, "and why is that?"

"Well...um...I'm not too sure. Not to jump to any conclusions, but think it's because...if you weren't a virgin, then our first time together wouldn't be as memorable. It's sure is selfish of me to say, but I would rather you remember me as someone who shared that moment with you. That's why I wish I would have waited until I met you," Koshi began to grow flustered towards the end of his explanation.

"And if you wanna put it into a metaphor then you could say that being a virgin is like being a blank canvas. You can only hope that someone will make something lovely of you by the time they're finished."

I haven't ever heard someone describe being a virgin in such a beautiful way. And he was right— the first time is always something you remember. That is if it's enjoyable for you. I could only hope that I would lose my virginity to someone as gentle as him.

"Then when the time comes, could you please be that person, Koshi?" I spoke, laying a hand on his chest. My nervous nature was far too obvious for me to hide. But thankfully, Koshi didn't mind it. He knew asking something like that took courage. Such profound questions weren't something to joke about.

My heart race died down when I hear him tell me, "Of course, love."

Koshi quickly gets up to turn off the lamp and I make myself more comfortable under the thin blankets and many pillows he had on his bed. When he comes back, he wraps his arms around my waist and holds me close near him.

It was no wonder that he didn't like to talk about his previous experiences with girls. He hadn't enjoyed them. But I was sure of it: and day, I'll make it up to Koshi.

"Goodnight, love. Maybe tomorrow you'll come up with something to write about, hm?"

"Yeah, goodnight." With one last kiss on the cheek, Koshi and I doze off to sleep.

-

Hey everyone!! Just so you know, I have a special playlist on my Spotify that I made just for this fanfiction. I always add the songs that I include in the chapters, so please go check that out in case you'd like to listen while reading!!

I love you always!! Thank you for reading I do appreciate it <3 make sure to take care of yourself

AND PLS VOTE >:(

- estrxlar

[posijeff-blog]

Chapter 2, Young, Poor, and Jewish In my initial year at UWM  I took two semesters of Biblical Hebrew language under Dr. Bernard Grossfield. Some of that era of the tongue translated to contemporary conversational Hebrew which I was able to use in my daily dialogue with an elderly Palestinian coworker. I went on in the Religious Studies program to study with Rabbi Dana Evan Kaplan who I became friends with. At the time he was writing a book called, American Reform Judaism: An Introduction ( Rutgers University Press) which was to become highly esteemed in academic circles. I never wanted to move from Milwaukee but I knew it was time to travel. I narrowed my destinations down to India and Israel. Israel won out. I met Dana for lunch at Shaharazad restaurant to talk about it. He thought it was a great idea and cool that I had no plans and just a few loose contacts in The Holy Land.  At the time I had very little money. Dana told me exactly what to do. "Go to the old city. People are going to ask you if you are Jewish. Just tell them your mother is Jewish. You know more about Judaism than most Jews." "But I have tattoos. I don't even look Jewish." "I didn't say you were a good Jew" I knew he was right. I needed to turn this head knowledge into experiential knowledge. Without doing so there would be no insight into first hand experience as a Jew. This was education and investigative journalism at once. The more I gave whole heartedly of myself as a Jew, the more I knew about being a Jew, and the more of a Jew I became. Believe your own bullshit. Dana told me some very specific things that came to manifest in Israel. For example, I would meet a guy at The Wall named Jeff Seidel who would ask if I would like a place to stay and I could stay with a religious family and study with them. This came to pass and so did some other interesting things. My first stop was in Tel Aviv where I'd to stay with a punk rocker I met in a punk chat room. Our connection was a n anarchist punk band whose 1994 record I had by some Jewish Israeli's called Nekhei Na'atza AKA Renounce Judaism. Like  a lot of American punk bands, I thought they were fast and thought provoking but if they believed in what they politically espoused they were painting with some broad strokes. To a large degree it was just another shock tactic, one that got them recognition in Israel and on talk shows where religious Jews tried to "deprogram" them. Believe it or not, pre-911 Israel didn't have a lot else going on as far as a hardcore scene.When I arrived the guys at the squat treated me like I was some sort of ambassador. They really rolled out the cat haired red carpet for me. These guys were so crusty one dude's deadlock fell off. I got up from the chair at the kitchen table after my NesCafe and my butt had a mustache. Their record collections were really small and they were stoked to get some presents I had for them  them from the States like the new Shelter, a Sensefield/Jimmy Eat World split 7", EVEL (from Milwaukee), and the Destroy LA 7" from Pressure. They liked the Pressure 7" right away and were pretty open to the other music as well. After taking a walk one of the guys took me aside and told me seriously that that the world would be a better place if the US were blown off the face of the Earth. He wanted me to meet with this guy who he said was the king of the punks in Tel Aviv. I wasn't interested.   There was a lot of partying going on that night in the streets because The Maccabees professional basketball team ( part of the European league) just won a big championship title. I slept for a few hours then sneaked out with all my stuff. I slept on a jungle gym and wound up getting this rash called "wrestlers back" from that or the squat: a bunch of gross boils all over my back. I was low on money from the start so I decided to walk to Jerusalem and hitch hike if need be as I heard it was safe to do so. I calculated in my mind that it was only 40 miles which was way off. But the major roads were lined with grapefruit trees and orange groves. I didn't want to steal so I was eating warm, sun drenched oranges and grapefruit that fell off the trees. I hitched a  ride in a van after the first 15 miles and got into an argument in Hebrew with the driver. It seems hitch hiking in Israel is safe because you are expected to pay. I told him I wasn't going to pay him one shekel since we were going to the same place. He was pissed but didn't kick me out. The kids in the back seat were cool. An orthodox family, one of the young boys asked if I liked Tu Pac. No matter where I seemed to go on this journey Palestinian and Israeli kids seemed to share a love and excitement for Tu Pac. When I got dropped off I found a grocer and bought a bottle of water. I started walking toward sights I'd seen in books: the mosque with the gold dome (which holds the slab of rock Abraham was going to sacrifice Isaac on), The Wall. A conservative guy with a yarmulke, white shirt, and black pants was coming home from work to his apartment and asked me in a New York accent if I was lost. I told him I wanted to get to The Wall before sundown as it was Friday. He invited me up to their apartment where I got to meet his young wife and baby son who I got to hold and play with. He prayed over me and gave me a yarmulke which was not real effective because I had a shaved head. It turned out he knew my friend Raphael's relatives in New York and our mothers were both from Sheboygan. He showed me a a haunting photo of his mom's dad visiting his home town in Latvia that was totally reduced to rubble by the Nazi's. I'm not sure why the guy felt compelled to return. My mother's family is Lithuanian, from that same region of the Europe I knew next to nothing about at the time. The couple sent me on my way with a bag of groceries, mostly native oranges and Israeli chocolates. I was so happy to have food. When I got to the wall it was as predicted I met Jeff Siedel. I wanted to go pray but he wanted to talk to me about the Chicago Blackhawks who were not doing so well at the time. There were so many cute girls there. I looked kind of awful, like a sun burnt skinhead. But the girls were all really sweet and nice to me. Most of them wore long conservative dresses. A few of them kept asking me about my tattoos. There was a group of men praying with some old scrolls. This guy with a beard who was about my dad's age asked if I was married. I told him no. "Well maybe you just haven't met the right girl." "Yeah, well that's the whole trick isn't it." These people were OG. Seidel wrote a name and address on a piece of paper for me of an elderly man and woman who I would have dinner with and stay with. I got to the apartment which reminded me of a clean early 20th century apartment in NYC except cobble stone streets below, less sirens, and more sounds of people praying and singing. The meal itself took hours. I turned down the boiled chicken that was sitting out for three hours. But the wine was delicious. I was really poor at reading from the prayer books in Hebrew but they were patient with me, like loving grandparents. I asked the  man why in earlier times miracles occurred like parting of the red sea. People, as he explained were more in touch with nature, with God then. Even the most depraved person had a sense of reverence for that which could not be explained. Today we credit meteorology as a logical science, more believable than God even while fifty percent of people complain about the weather man getting shit wrong half the time. Perfect Deity, developing science. When it came time to bid farewell the next day I wanted to give the matriarch a hug but there seemed to be some rule against it. But I got a strong sense of love from them and some solid handshakes. They even gave me money. I hit the streets and saw the sights. The hottest chicks around were the Israeli Army girls. All these girls were my age and wore grunge styled army fatigues and held Uzis that were attached to a strap that went around there necks. I guess I have a little Ted Nugent in me. I don't know why but if you put a gun on an already hot girl she becomes totally hot. It's a weird phenomenon. I'm weird. I figured I may as well do something positive with my time. I saw a sign that said "Emergency Clinic" in English then something in Arabic outside the City's Jewish quarter. I had just gotten a CPR and first Aid certification from the American Red Cross before I came over. Maybe they could use some help with all the fighting. I didn't see any bloodshed but there was a really high tension in the air as Jews  interacted cordially yet cautiously with Palestinians and vice versa. I can imagine it was a similar "in the air tonight"  feeling prevalent during the American years of segregation down south. I saw some Arab kids playing with guns, hiding around the corner and shooting at one another. I wondered how long before they would be carrying guns for real. The thought bummed me out. I got to the clinic and it appeared to be run by Muslims because I didn't see anybody there except some shoes on what looked like a Moroccan rug. Out of nowhere two guy ran out of the clinic in white robes pointing Uzis at me. The head guy from the clinic (I was later lead to assume) walked up to me with a Chinese AK and pointed it at my forehead. Realizing I didn't speak their native tongue the head honcho asked what the fuck I was doing there. I told him I was just seeing if they needed any help. It was confusing to him. He grabbed my wrist and asked me what the Hebrew tattoo meant on it. I told him it was one of the Hebrew words for meditation from the Bible. Ironically I got it done in NYC by Tee Schwartz , a skinhead from Milwaukee. Honcho told his buddies to go back in the clinic and started talking to me about meditation. He said his brother was into meditation. He told me to be more careful  because he was about to shoot me. It was all good. To be honest, I did not feel scared for one second. I was on Holy ground. One of my last stops that day was at the Garden of Gethsemane, where Jesus was betrayed by Judas Iscariot. I saw Reggie White from the Green Bay Packers there which was awesome and I got my picture taken with him. Nobody else knew who he was. A few Israeli soldiers thought I was getting my picture taken with him because he was a black giant. They told me there was an even bigger black guy there a few days earlier. What the hell is wrong with these people? It's Reggie White! Seeing him made me homesick. I was already missing Milwaukee, my apartment, and my 13" TV set. I was leaving Jerusalem with more money I had arrived with on account of the nice people I met. I got a shuttle to Tel Aviv and flew to Amsterdam, then home.