#Happy for whoever that helps but it is not worth 30 shots when all it took was an IV to help me this much lol

[ophiedokes]

when my neurologist told me that some people feel pain relief during the infusion itself while we were talking about switching me from botox to vyepti I was certain that she was full of shit or mentioning like an edge case to try to make me feel better because I was crying over how bad my head always hurts but I got my first infusion on Tuesday and it broke my migraine in a way that even the last couple of times that I've gone to the emergency room for a migraine cocktail didn't touch. I've been sleeping so much but it feels like catching up on sleep kind of sleeping so much and not the can't tolerate being alive and awake sleeping so much. I just ran an errand and walked a mile home instead of taking an Uber and usually just the Uber there and back means that I have to take a huge nap.

[sooave]

The Problem With Wanting: 2

It’s 2026, and an old celebrity crush comes to haunt your old and cynical heart. You’re doing great at pretending you were never obsessed with him, and finding things about him that you don’t like. Until you’re repeatedly forced to work with him. Until he decides that he’s in love with you.

Genre: I really don’t know what to call this, but it’s not an AU, Kyungsoo’s older and still a celebrity, and it’s friends-to-lovers.

Characters: Kyungsoo x Reader

Length: 1,484 words

Tags: Angst, Slow Burn

Part 1 | Part 2

The instant you got home, the first thing you did (after putting away your supplies and changing) was to sit down at your computer and do a quick Google search on Do Kyungsoo. It had been quite some time since you were actively following him (you could try to dig up your Twitter accounts but that wasn’t worth the time).

EXO as a band had not formally retired, and from time to time would release a song or two. And like their hyungs from Super Junior and SHINee, most of them remained relatively successful in the showbiz. This, you knew. But you had no idea what Kyungsoo specifically was doing.

You almost didn’t want to look. As if becoming informed would bring you one step closer to being obsessed. Guilt coursed through you when you saw the paparazzi shots that popped up from your search. It felt somehow… disrespectful, now that you’d actually “met” him.

A quick scan through the Career section on his Wikipedia page told you that he continued to act in various movies and dramas, but had also released a few solo albums. You raise your eyebrows when you see a few titles that you actually recognize as being critically-acclaimed, but you have never watched them yourself.

He was doing well for himself career-wise; that much was to be expected. Personally, the fangirl inside of you was happy that they all seemed to be doing well.

The Personal Life section remained minimized, and you stared at words on your monitor, debating whether or not to open that Pandora’s Box.

Your cursor hovered over it, and just as you were about to open it and take what you promised yourself to be a brief look, your phone on the table began to flash with an incoming call. A breath quickly escaped you and you immediately hit the shortcut to close the window.

Thanking the gods for the intervention, you snatch the phone up to pick up the call from one of your old-time clients. He was an owner of a Michelin Bib Gourmand traditional Korean restaurant, looking to open up a new location. Your gratefulness to him extended beyond the fact that he interrupted your unhealthy behaviour; he gave a chance on you when you first started looking for contract work in Korea, and it has opened up a lot of doors for you since.

“Hello?” You greeted automatically, even though you already know who called you.

“Ah! It’s me, Kim Yongsun.”

“Yongsun-ssi, how can I help you? It’s been a while.” The computer desk proves to be a dangerous place to be, so you quickly moved to the sofa and laid down, balancing the phone between your shoulder and head.

“Yes… thank’s for being patient, it’s been a little crazy here.” There were rambunctious shouts in the background and you heard Yongsun cover his mic to loudly scold them.

“Ya! Keep it down, I’m getting work done in here!” He hollers. The mic crackles as he returns.

“Sorry, new hires getting excited and all. Anyways… I’m ready to start talking about what you can do for the new location. What time are you free?”

This is one of your favourite parts of what you do. Sitting down with a client and getting to know their dream and understanding how you can help them achieve it.

“I have time tomorrow actually. I’m free anytime.”

“Okay…Hmm.” He seemed to contemplate something before continuing. “Come over to the restaurant at 3:30. I’ll have some food prepared for you,” Yongsun says proudly, as if he doesn’t always provide free lunch for you.

“Wow… you’re so generous,” you thanked sarcastically but couldn’t help but smile, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

You both said your goodbyes and hang up.

Riding on the high that was imagining the success of a client consultation, you scrolled through your phone and reopened the dating app that you haven’t touched in almost a year. It was a little tough to date in Korea, your age aside.

Relationships were successful if the two persons involved had mostly similar values. It was also a well-documented phenomenon that young adults in Korea are staying single longer, and weren’t prioritizing marriage. You certainly weren’t alone in that you were in your 30s and unmarried, but elders still held a strong bias against it.

Back to values. You were absolutely not interested in being a housewife, despite the fact that you keep an impeccably tidy house and enjoying doing so. Your art and career are important to you.

But whenever you happen to mention that you’re an artist and do most of your work from home, men seem to assume that you’d be a perfect for the role of a housewife. The men who were actually on these dating apps were usually looking for a woman willing sacrifice their career for the “home”.

In short, Korean men who grew up in Korea usually did not hold the same values as you.

Nevertheless, you swiped through a good number of men, excited by none of the prospects. And it ended the same, with you throwing your phone across the sofa and closing the app. But this time you didn’t delete the app, because you promised yourself you’d try.

—

“Hello?” You poked your head through the door of Youngsun’s restaurant and called out cautiously. It was 3:20, and the restaurant was eerily dark and empty. Usually, the lights would be on and there would be a couple of chefs mulling about during the service break. You pulled yourself out of the door and checked your phone for the third time, double checking that you’d gotten the date and time right. You had said tomorrow right? Maybe he forgot.

A minute or two, no one had responded, so you reluctantly slipped into the establishment, tiptoeing your way to the back. The kitchen had it’s lights on, to your relief. Humming of the industrial hood fans and the noises of a knife on a chopping board comforted you.

Still paranoid that you had gotten yourself into a mix-up with Yongsun, you silently slunk your way towards the kitchen. There was a large pass-through window but there was no one visible through it, and you guessed that whoever was in there was towards the back of the kitchen. You poked your head around the corner and quickly shrank back in shock.

The heart in your chest was threatening to jump out of your throat at the sight of what looked to be Do Kyungsoo in his standard baseball cap, thick rimmed glasses, and plain t-shirt, cooking in Yongsun’s kitchen.

You weren’t even 100% sure it was him. But you knew you weren’t hallucinating.

With a growing horror in your chest, you pressed your back against the wall, contemplating your next move. Your two options were to run out of the restaurant and never contact Yongsun again, or to text him and figure out what was going on.

With slightly shaking hands, you pulled your phone out of your pocket and frantically dialled Yongsun’s phone through FaceTime Audio.

His phone began to ring in the distance, and you squeezed your eyes shut. The fear churning in your stomach was telling you that you had completely gotten the time or date wrong. What were the odds that you’d run into your old celebrity crush? Zero. So maybe that wasn’t him in there, but you could recognize Kyungsoo anywhere.

“Ah, hold on, let me get this,” You hear Yongsun say.

The realization that Yongsun or Kyungsoo might be able to hear you speak from outside the kitchen dawned on you, and you practically dove around another corner to get as far as way as possible before he picked up.

Why did I not just text him??? You groaned internally.

“Hey, where are you?” Yongsun skipped the pleasantries, not bothering to say hello.

You cleared your throat and spoke as quietly as possible, heart thundering in your chest and ears.

“Oh… sorry… I just came to the restaurant and no one was there. So I assumed I might have gotten the time wrong.”

“Ahhh,” he let out a bark of laughter, “I forgot to tell you that we were closing early today. Going to have the night off. It’s my wedding anniversary tonight.”

“Wow, congratulations!” You chirped, and immediately slap your hand over your mouth. That was dangerously loud.

“Thanks… but again, where are you? Did you leave?”

You looked around awkwardly. It was pretty much out of the question to tell Yongsun that you were behind his restaurant bar, splayed out on the floor from tripping on your feet.

“Just waiting outside,” you said nonchalantly as you stared at a dustball on the floor.

“Okay well come on in. I’m in the kitchen.” He hung up and you were left with nothing but dread and a dustball.

A/N: I finally finished Ch2, and ch3 coming soon!! I finally have it all planned out. Also, credits to my Apple Pencil breaking down so I couldn’t do any artwork. Who else is staying up right now to watch the musical xiusoo are in??? (hi, @lapetitefangirlperdue)

[myfight]

ME AND MY 2 BABIES STORY PLEASE HELP US ANYBODY PLEASE AND THANK YOU

Hello Everyone I´m sorry to bother you Guys right now but as of right now i don´t know what else to do im 28 years old born in NC and brought up in NC by my grandmother my mom had 8 of us lol yes 8 of us she dropped us first four off with our grandma for a man so coming up was hard especially been the third oldest i had to grow up fast started cooking at the age of 5 childhood was very messed up and we was highly affected by our mother actions which cause us major pain because of the things we had to go through and hear getting beatings with drop cords switches belts brooms etc whatever they had close by sadly my mother came back to take us when i reach middle school all because my dad gave my grandmother money for taking care of his two he got with my mom me and a brother my mom was money hungry and still is but since he didn't give her the money she came back to take us out of spite knowing she didn't want us have your mother ever told you if her grandma was living she wouldn't had no kids at all or wish she didn't have the kids she got or feel the need to tell her kids how long they gone live in this world and her favorite was we want live to see our old age smh well mines said all of it proudly with a smile we were damage by that as well when i was 16 i moved in with my boyfriend and his family who was next door to my mom i was threaten daily by him and when i would tell my mom she would ask me what did i do to him or say to him as if it was my fault and i actually thought i was the bad guy breaking all the relationship rules then them threats turned into major beatings where i would have to run next door crying with the black eyes busted lips and all only for my mother to say the same thing WHAT DID I DO TO HIM so wrong smh sad but true it was like she didn't want me staying with her because she knew we didn't like her young husband who was beating on her and when we would take up for her she turned on us and was on his side and whatever he say goes so if he didn't want me there even doe i´m her blood she birth me she wasn't gone go against him so i want gone be there smh so i had no where at all to go but back to the one abusing me in many different forms it was like a hobby for him years passing by and beatings getting worst more black eyes bruises and busted lips he kept me in the house from everybody and i mean everybody when i was 20 i was blessed to be pregnant just by the wrong man who i always tried to get away from but i was beyond happy because i would soon see and feel what real love feels like and i thought by me being pregnant with his child the cheating would stop and i would be safe from the beatings but oh no i thought wrong yes the beatings was worst the whole 9 months i had black eyes busted lips etc even was slammed on the ground slammed on top of rocks and all while pregnant with nobody to turn too feeling unwanted and worthless but still happy because i was becoming a mother thinking when i have our baby it would be better for us both and plus i had no where to go so 2012 i had my first real love my baby thank GOD I was crying with full of joy i can say the first 2 months everything was good falling into place for my family no more beatings but then his old ways came back i´m getting beatings in front of my 2 month old even while holding him at times i´m home daily while he out living life because of my baby i kept faith even through the beatings hurt and pain then 2 years later i found out i was pregnant again i was beyond happy again but he wasn't at all so them beatings was way worst now i´m getting beating while pregnant holding my 2 year old mother still next door asking me what am i doing wrong smh he would put crushed pills in my food and drinks he would put a lot of stuff in my food and drinks to make me lose my second child i´m getting stomped and all when he get upset with whoever or when he couldn't get his way or his weed he did so much to try an make me lose my baby i went to my mom house next door while he was working i begged her to let me stay with her into i have my baby and ill do anything she said yes i could but i had to give her 200 in my food stamps every month and i was only getting 300 but i had to do whatever to save my baby this is year 2014 then i finally had my baby while staying at my moms when i was at the hospital he came crying saying all the right things i wanted to hear and now that my baby is here my mom no longer wanted us there so i went back to my baby daddy house the 3 of us everything was okay once again at first when my baby was 2 months he had came home around 3 or 4 am after leaving the club he came in all drunk just all over the place i whisper to him to please not be loud but i was talking to myself he was highly rude and loud now my 2 month old up crying and now he passes out as i´m trying to get her to stop crying he wakes up and look at me and her as we in the rocking chair and says ´´SHUT THAT LIL BITCH UP´´ and i responded back and said ´´MY BABY not NO BITCH AND YOU THE REASON SHE UP NOW¨¨ he responded back by saying the same thing so i said the same thing back as well then next thing i know i closed my eyes they were shut so tight all i could hear was a big boom and my two month old screaming when i opened my eyes all i could see was plate glass all in her hair blanket on her face and body and the same with me i broke down crying he kicked us out in the cold rain for about 30 minutes the next day came he comes in the room sees me holding my 2 month old with my 2 year old standing close by and i was on the phone and he heard me begging for some type of family help to leave from him asap i was crying he told me to get off the phone and when i didn't he throw his cellphone at me his cell phone hit my hand and broke my finger smh he put us in his car he pulled my hair all the way from our little city to the next little city while i´m in the backseat with both my babies holding them crying and that ride was almost a 30 minute ride now my scalp was bleeding and all sadly when we got back to his house i watched him sleep thinking about taking his life for all them years of beatings and cheating crying so bad and then i looked at my babies and said GOD blessed me for a reason and hes not worth leaving them because i´m all they got and want nobody treat them like i do i didn't go to sleep that night the next day he left to go out of town for work and i packed all of our stuff up and left he quit his job that same day and came where we was asking me to come back home and be with him but i was beyond tired now and over it so i said no he said ok you know what BITCH i´m tired of you and all i heard was his gun cock back and he turned around with it in his hand and all i did was fall into the front door of my grandma house on top of both my babies scared out of my mind crying laying on top of my two babies luckily my elderly cousin was there so he didn't shot the gun he said he got something for me and took off i called the law he went to jail he got out and the next day he was already with another woman everyone asked me how he moved on so fast after a day and i told them she was with him as long as i was even while i was living with him like i said before he was cheating and i was getting the beatings but me moving out him moving on didn't stop him from coming and putting his hands on me with his famous line you my baby mama i can do this and that smh never knew how to take him and at this point he would come kick in the door run over my babies bikes and all then call the police on his self and wait for them to come smh crazy right his woman he was with got mad at him and called the Social Services with a bunch of lies and the crazy part about it she called SS because the night before he wouldn't have sex with her childish right but she thought he didn't want to have sex with her because he was cheating with someone else or me baby girl not this one i was THANKING GOD i wasn't the one getting beatings every other day in front of my babies didn't even wish that on her but she texted him and said she was gone hurt him and me by getting our kids taken when i wasn't bothering them she was very close reaching that devilish goal especially with the lies that came out of her mouth but THANK GOD she was a highly sloppy sneaky person because when he showed the text of her saying that´s how she was gone hurt me and him by getting our kids taken SS dropped the case she went to jail too and they broke up for a week then he came back wanting my kids to go with her somewhere i said no he slapped me but that slapped didn't make me change my mind and when i told him its either my kids spending time with him without her because she just tried to have them taken he gone say to me and my kids goodbye he pick her so i said to hell with him he missing out on them growing up but he didn't care he made that clear and i was tired of being the nice person and at least let him try to be a dad he wasn't paying child support and he would see them every blue moon one day we had no food i called him and asked him to bring them a 1 dollar burger a piece he asked me do he look like a damn soup kitchen i said no you would look like a father smh i was working at a fast food place he came to the job bothering me being funny posting on Facebook him and his woman clowning me about where i was working but as a MOTHER a job is a job smh 2019-2020 me and my babies was homeless going house to house very unwelcome and unwanted getting talked about and trashed even slept in a car no help no support so called family talking down about us 3 among each other behind my back then they end up having a falling out and then start telling what each other said about me and my kids in front of me and my babies that shit was very hurtful all i did was cry only for my two babies to say don´t cry we went to stay with my dad my blood dad it only last two days because i woke up to him touching me sexually saying he feel like i´m hurt and unhappy  and he would do whatever it takes to make me happy again and i told him as long as i have them to amazing kids ill always be happy i felt hurt by him doing me like that it messed me up it had me thinking have he did me like this when i was a baby a little girl because why would he try me while i´m a grown ass woman a mother of 2 i covered both my kids body parts mad as hell feeling like he would try them if he just tried me and it was 4 am i texted my sister and told her hurry up and pick us up because i was gone take his life yes my dad i was gone kill him for doing that dirty mess to me my clothes was still on and stuff he was rubbing between my legs on top of my pants while the 3 of us was sleep and i woke up even then he tried to say he was trying to hug me sadly and nasty at 6 am we was gone back to been homeless smh my kids dad making 23 an hour living his best life with his woman without a care in the world about his kids well being i´m their the full time mother and father and i always enjoy it then one day my kids dad called and was trashing me i was crying my baby got on the phone and said  you not gone keep talking to my mom like that at the age of 5 i didn't tell him to say it and it shocked me and a few minutes later my grandma came in the house and said your kids dad outside my son started crying my grandma was like let him just talk to him i´m gone be right out there with him so they walks outside my kids dad made it to his car with my son before my grandma could even get off the porch next thing i know i could hear the horn blowing and my grandma being loud i ran outside he had locked my son in the car with him and was hitting my baby in the head with his hand and my son head was hitting the horn all because my baby said don´t talk to his mom like that smh so i called the law and ran outside with a knife ready for war not my son he let my crying baby out the car and took off he told my grandma that he would spit and hit her in the face like he did me so my grandma wanted us to leave she said she was to old for all that and i couldn't blame her but i was beyond hurt we had no where else to go the safe space ended up blessing us with the help of getting our own place thank GOD and i was working doing PCA Nursing everything going good and that so called mother of mines was working at the same job i had to work on Thanksgiving Christmas and all and it was suppose to be special because it was our first Christmas in our own house but we needed the money the 3 of us then one day that so called mother wanted me to work with her after i had just got done doing a 20 hr swift so she could spend time with that same husband who didn't like her kids who didn't want her to let me and my babies stay with her so we wouldn't be homeless when he lives else where but still control her and her house too the same husband she put before us when i said NO she fired me then called the boss a close friend of hers and told her i was fired and the boss went with it when the 89 year patient said i was the best worker she ever had i treated her like a queen i did her feet and all did things i didn't have to do i treated her like she was my great grandma i  did everything how she loved it and wanted it trying to make her last years her best years i cried like a baby because i loved my patient so much i needed her like she needed me she was hurt and she still hurt now about it so next thing i know our power goes off the end of January 2021 when i called SS to get help paying it they said they can only help once a year and they had made a payment for me already i was lost and shocked come to find out a family member i trusted used my info and me and my kids names to get her light bill paid smh so they wouldn't help us and by me telling them that a family member used my info and i wanted to have them do something about it that family member was upset and called SS made some hurtful reports so my kids had to stay else where since the power was off and i wasn't no longer working so they was at my so called mother house who i wasn't dealing with because i put her in her place about how she treated us coming up and stuff smh she made everything worst for me i mean very worst now February comes lights still off and now we getting evicted as well so now its more then temporary since the eviction and SS don´t want my kids to be homeless again and neither did i they my everything but its a thing called karma my so called mom did me so wrong and i´ve begged and begged so many people to help us but nothing at all no type of help and support but that so called mom of mines got evicted and got into Friday and i found out yesterday that she was evicted and that my kids were crying because they have to move with their dad its killing me to see them hurt if i can get our rent paid and lights on then us 3 can be together or find somewhere to stay we can be together but i have nobody at all just us 3 its killing me that they hurting we always been together i´ve been the mother and father giving them everything i´ve always went without making sure they have i don´t care if i only had one outfit they will forever have plenty of everything i don´t have to eat as long as they full if i could i would give them the world with everyone still on it i need my babies just like they need me i´m their better half and they my better half they give me life they make my life beyond better since day one i cant live without them nor be without them to see my babies crying not being with me and having to go somewhere they don´t want be there never have never will and he even told the social services he don´t want them that hurts but he don´t have to want them i do and always have wanted them and always will if i had the right family and support and help things would be better but i have nobody but them they have nobody but me and i have nobody but them and GOD i´m dying in the inside and GOD knows that if they not with me i don´t wanna be here people will never know the pain i´m going through their dad toke them on his taxes and all he didn't offer us the right help didn't care at all about helping PERIOD my kids are down and out without me scared crying everyday and i´m not eating nor sleeping before i let them suffer and be hurt ill battle my life away for their happiness i´m their mother and father and i got into FRIDAY before my kids go with where they don´t want to be and where he don´t want them to be i´ve email so many people begging for help with some many tears in my eyes with a broken soul about to get a new job next week but i need help now and as i begged for help i gave them my landlord number i don´t need to touch any money or anything i just need a helping hand for us somebody anybody please please ill do anything GOD knows that i cant take it all we need is help and hope i´m breaking down into pieces without my babies everybody know how much i love my babies they my best friends and all we super close just like its hurting me its hurting them and ain´t nobody trying to help us and i thought their would be more people like me when i was working i was buying food for homeless giving them money and all that´s my type of heart and my babies ill give my last to anybody let people live with us now they got their own place and didn't offer me and my babies a place to stay not even one night before they was taken temporarily smh its killing me i need help ASAP PLEASEEEEEE ain´t nobody perfect but i´m perfect for my kids just like they are beyond perfect for me please somebody help us Thank You

[infinitestarsintheskye]

Agents of Shield Series Finale thoughts (finally)

Or alt title Skye finally sits down to write this after two days of being overtired, overwhelmed and as a result, anxious! Feeling a WHOLE lot better today after a few anxiety naps and watching Phineas and Ferb on Disney + (that show is just pure serotonin I swear) 

God what can I say that hasn’t already been said. I’m so beyond happy. I have no idea what my expectations were but by god were they exceeded. I cannot say enough how happy I am. They saved the world with empathy. How utterly beautiful. The endings everyone got were all just so utterly utterly deserved. I’m still in shock really. 

If you haven’t already guessed it, I did not make it to my alarm at half past 6 on Thursday morning. I woke up at quarter past 5 after barely three hours of sleep and just could not help myself. I finished, cried for two hours and collapsed for another hour and a half. And she wonders why she’s felt like utter shit the past two days...

ANYWAY

DEKE DEKE MY WONDERFUL MY MOST DEAREST DISASTER SON!!!!!!!!! I love him so much. I know he’s happy in alt. 1983 but losing him was honestly such sweet sorrow. I had a feeling that he would sacrifice himself but I could not have guessed that it would happen in honestly such a good way. He still gets to live, gets to be the director of Shield (god help them) and I’m equally happy and devastated for him. I love Deke so much, he is very dear to me, and the money I would pay for a miniseries of him just absolutely killing it as Shield director in the 80′s with his side business of being a popstar, like the amount doesn’t exist. Also his impersonation of Fitz was so incredibly hilarious, Jeff Ward actually does a not bad Scottish accent and the IMMEDIATE adoption of the pregnant lady pose just ABSOLUTELY SENT ME!!!!!!!!!!

Mack. I’m so happy he lived. His team up with Sousa will forever give me life. Them taping goddamn chronicoms to the missiles to blast a hole in the ship, like whoever came up with that idea, you are now my favourite human on this earth. It is so supremely dumb but I love it so much. As much as there was BIG concern going into this that he was going to die, ta Henry, I never once felt worried for him. Like he never even came close???????? Also a raise to whoever put him in that big long jacket at the end like oh my god are you serious, AMAZING

Yoyo. I had NOT A SINGULAR CLUE, NOT EVEN AN INCLINE of what was going to happen to Yoyo. Her little team up at the end with Piper and Davis (DAVIS ROBO!DAVIS YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSS BICKERING WITH PIPER WE LOVE TO SEE IT) was beyond incredible. Yoyo had such a great arc this season, and I’m just so happy to see it concluded so well, plus that shot of her zooming out of the car at the end was beyond A+ it was beautiful.

May. May, wonderful May. Her appearing OUT OF GODDAMN NOWHERE TO JUST ABSOLUTELY END SIBYL IS JUST FOREVER GOING TO GIVE ME LIFE. THE CAVALRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so intrigued with where they were going with her arc this season, like I enjoyed empath May but I was so curious to see where it was going and oh what a pay off it was. I literally shouted AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH at my screen when she put her hands into that machine and Coulson explained it, BECAUSE IT ALL JUST MADE SENSE. Also it was 100000000000000000000% her idea to name it Coulson Academy, and no one disagreed with her. I loved her little call back to S1 with her just being the pilot. In general I thought all of the call backs were very well handled and placed, nothing felt too fan servicey it was all very natural and organic bc these writers really just know what they’re about and are just so incredibly good at their jobs. ANYWAY MAY. I’m happy that she’s getting a little bit of rest from the field, she absolutely deserves it. 

Coulson. I’m not gonna lie, I wasn’t sure about Robo!Coulson when he was introduced at the end of last season, but my god am I so happy for him now. He is truly the heart of this show, the whole thing began because a stubborn group of fans refused to accept that he had died. And really isn’t that a theme that has carried us through this entire show haha? I was so terrifed for about 30 seconds that Sibyl was going to turn him against the rest of the team, so the RELIEF of May popping out of the ceiling to JUST END HER ENTIRE CAREER WAS INCREDIBLE.  The reappearance of Lola ABSOLUTELY SENT ME. I also love that after years of Coulson refusing to let Mack work on Lola, Mack just went “Fuck it” and built one from, I assume, scratch. He is going to be the best Grandpa to little Alya Fitzsimmons and you can tear that headcanon from my cold dead hands. Again, what a deserving ending. I could not be happier for him, that last shot was just perfect. 

Daisy. Oh boy, we’re getting into my heafty emotions now. I would just like to say that her entire arc throughout this entire show is one of the most incredible, most amazing and well crafted and well thought out characters arcs in television history. Watching her go from this lost little hacker with a bit of a smart mouth, to this strong and powerful LITERAL SUPERHERO has actually been a privilege and I cannot stress enough how much I have loved watching her grow and evolve over the past seven years. That being said, I am low key FURIOUS that they made me think that she was dead for even just a SECOND. I WAS SOBBING NO AT MY PHONE FOR THAT ENTIRE LITTLE INTERLUDE LIKE NO FUCKING WAY ARE YOU GOING TO KILL HER OFF AND LEAVE HER BODY IN SPACE I WILL NOT LET YOU, LET ME GO SHARPEN MY PITCHFORK I AM COMING FOR YOU. I will now invite you to imagine the look of absolute and utter joy and relief on my face when I saw she was alive. Skye/Daisy holds such a special place in my heart. Her whole thing with Sousa this season was SO UTTERLY OUT OF THE BLUE BUT SO INCREDIBLY DELIGHTFUL AND DESERVED!?!?!?!??!?!!?!? Like out of everything I think that little plot detail is what surprised me the most, and I surprised myself by really loving it as much as I did. I would have been happy if she had ended the series single but I’m so happy that she has this wonderful partner who loves her so much and has her back and just looks after her like it’s just like the most wonderful added bonus which she deserves. Sousa is also like a whole ass snack and as I have been saying in my tags for the past few weeks, DAISY GET IT!!!! I love that she ended the series with her own little family, her sister and Sousa. I just. I cannot even think about that without welling up. Daisy has a family, and she chose it and she loves them all so much. I know it was last weeks ep too but I will never get over her calling Simmons her sister. Never ever ever for as long as I live. I’m so happy for her. So beyond happy.

FitzSimmons. Here we, here we, here we fucking go. What to even say apart from big, long and loud sobbing noises, cause that’s all I have really been able to do in regards to them for the last two days. Happy isn’t a strong enough word. There is no word big enough, nor all encompassing enough to say how utterly UTTERLY happy I am that they got their most beautiful happy ending. Fitz guiding her through her memories, the second Jemma said Alya I started screaming, I just I knew that was her name, and him just being so gentle with her whilst she was remembering, like oh my heart. I excuse them everything, the lack of Fitz (WHICH WAS NO ONE’S FAULT I WILL NOT HAVE ANYTHING ABOUT THAT HERE) this season was honestly just paid back tenfold in the scenes that we got of him. His frustration IMMEDIATELY at everyone not understanding their plan was so amazingly hilarious. Simmons half remembering everything was both heartbreaking and hilarious, the scene of her asking for a supersuit like Daisy’s was incredible and both Deke and Daisy responding to her like she was a child they needed to trick into doing something for them, like yes if you come with us you’ll get a supersuit and a bit chocolate, incredible. The acting in both episodes from both IDC and Elizabeth was just truly something else. The fact that neither of them have been nominated EVER for their work on this show is nothing less than criminal. Her face when she remembered Alya. Dear god my heart. I have watched that scene of them reuniting with her at least 3000000000000000000000 times since Thursday morning. I won’t ever forget it. What a beautiful scene. What an incredible scene. “You were guarding our everything.” SHE’S THEIR EVERYTHING. THEIR UTTER EVERYTHING! I’M ACTUALLY LIKE SOBBING WRITING THIS I WILL NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE GET OVER THE FACT THAT THEY LET FITZSIMMONS LIVE IN PEACE FOR FOUR WHOLE ASS YEARS, LET THEM HAVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL, MOST PRECIOUS LITTLE BABY GIRL AND THEN LET THEM LIVE IN PEACE AGAIN I JUST!!! I HAVE WANTED THIS FOR THEM FOR SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO VERY LONG!!! (also @ marvel I’m not in a place where I want any kind of continuation or spin off at the moment but I would watch a FitzSimmons miniseries of them just being happy and domestic and working in space for 4 years. Just SOMETHING to consider) I cannot thank the writers enough for finally finally letting them have their happy ending. They have been through so much, and it was all worth it because it led them to their happily ever after and to their little girl and I just, that is everything. ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!! I have talked a lot in this post about people deserving their endings but honestly none more than FitzSimmons. Fitz playing with Alya in their little garden whilst Simmons watches with the biggest smile on her face. How perfect. I could not have dreamt a better ending for them I’m so so so so so SO beyond happy for them. And god that little girl is just the most precious. Her gleefully exclaiming “Mama!” at Simmons is the EXACT moment that I started sobbing and did not stop for the rest of the episode. Also I know they didn’t explicitly say it but they are 100000000000000% at their cottage in Perthshire, again you can pry that headcanon out of MY COLD DEAD HANDS!!! I’m just so so so so so so so so SO beyond happy that FitzSimmons got the ending that they deserved so much. They can be at peace now. I have loved them since LITERALLY day one, and I cannot imagine what would happen if I got to tell little 15 year old me how they ended up. I’m sending her good vibes to the past, I know she got them, because I never ever ever gave up on that hope for them. FitzSimmons, to me, represent so much goodness and hope and just everything I aspire to have in a relationship (without the constant separation and the death and all that fun shit), but just the utter love they have for each other. (thanks for the impossible standard to which I hold all men now JedMo). I have been on just a rollercoaster with these two characters, their relationship and each of them as individuals have taught me so much and brought me so much comfort, especially during some of the hardest times I have ever experienced. I’ll tell some of those stories one day. Not yet. I’m not ready. I’m still honestly just reeling. I have wanted A Happy FitzSimmons ending for SO LONG and I just cannot believe that we got it. Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you THANK YOU. 

Writing this felt very cathartic. It’s almost been good to just get ALL OF THE EMOTIONS OUT. I think I’m actually going to take a nap now. I forget how tiring it is to be so emotional. What can I say to end this except reiterate again just how happy I am with that finale. I’m so thrilled that they gave us such a beautiful ending, it really was just a love letter to the series as a whole and to it’s message. I think it was quote from Jeff Bell that I saw and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since, because of how true it is, and really that’s why I hold this show so dear and why I have done for the past 7 years, and that is that this show is ultimately about hope. What a beautiful thing. 

[felixfeliciswriterblog]

Snapetober 2020 - Day 30: Self Hatred

Warnings: mentions of death, angst.

Length: 1414 words.

This is a missing scene from my main Severitus Snape x OC fic. Severus is married to Skyrah. They have a son (Corbin) who is about 1.

A MAGNIFICENT SPY

“Lumos,” whispered Severus.

He ascended the stairs slowly, making sure they didn’t creak under his feet and awaken anybody from their slumber. In the crib was his son, unaware of the pure evil and injustice in the world. Whenever Corbin smiled in his sleep, as he was doing now that his father was caressing his chubby cheeks, Severus would smile back. Not that night, though. He kissed Corbin on the forehead, making up for the goodnight kiss he had missed, and walked towards his own bedroom. The dim light coming through the half-open bedroom door told him that Skyrah, unlike her sister, Harry, and Corbin, wasn’t sleeping. He peeped through the door.

She was seated on the bed, with his pillow positioned on her back and head. A History book – the one she read whenever she was anxious – lay on her flexed knees. His first thought was that the light the old lamp from the nightstand emitted made her skin glow.

Beautiful, she was beautiful.

Everything about the Death Eaters meeting had been hideous.

Malfoy Manor had been dark, cold. One look at his wife and he felt warmer. It still wasn’t enough. He wanted her to look at him. Only then might he be able to forget Charity’s eyes before she…

Don’t go there, he told himself.

At the creaking door, Skyrah shot her head up. His name tripped off her tongue, breathy. Her eyes were tender, inviting. She tossed the book onto the nightstand and leaped out of the bed.

Cupping his chin to inspect his face, she asked, “Are you wounded?” 

Yes. Not physically. “No.”

“Are you okay?”

Not at all. “Yes.”

“Liar.”

Despite having promised they wouldn’t lie to each other, she did not sound incriminating but merely concerned. If there was something Severus disliked, that was worrying his wife.

“Did Corbin wake you up? Is that why you are awake?”

She took a step back, withdrawing her hands from his face, hurt.

"Is this what you think of me? That I’m incapable of staying awake for my husband?” Severus was about to reply when she held up her palm. “Corbin’s been sleeping like a log.”

He gulped at her cutting tone. “It is late. You should be resting.”

“I can’t rest when I’m worried.”

“I do not want you to worry so much about me. It is not healthy.”

She snorted. “I couldn’t agree more. Ease my worries. You could start by telling me what happened in the meeting in which my father thought my presence and his heir’s weren’t needed.” He drew in an intake of air and averted her gaze. More softly, she whispered, “Please.”

Severus… Please… Please… Help me!

His face contorted in pain.

When Skyrah took his hand, he locked their gazes. Her eyes were full of love, begging. Merlin. How was he supposed to tell her? Would she hate him as much as he hated himself if she found out? He walked past her and sat on the edge of the bed, lowering his head. His hair might have covered his distressed face like a curtain, but it did nothing to muffle Voldemort’s sibilant voice in his head.

Dinner, Nagini.

Severus gripped the edges of the bed, biting his lip to keep from screaming. Skyrah’s arm slithered around his waist. A kiss landed on the corner of his eye. It was then he noticed he had let a tear fall. She kissed his cheekbone, the corner of his mouth, his jaw, and rested her head on his shoulder. After that, his heart did not ache so much.

“You don’t have to tell me now… Just tell me what I can do for you for the time being. I just… I hate seeing you like this. I want to help you feel better, and I don’t know how if I don’t know what’s going on.”

He let out a shaky breath and leaned into her. Getting the hint, she tightened her grip on him and cuddled him in silence, waiting for him to make the next move.

“She said…” He trailed off. Skyrah raised her head, looking at him. “She said we were friends. She viewed me as her friend. I had to see her die.”

Friends?

His circle of acquaintances was limited to say the least. Skyrah considered the people who could have died in that reunion. Whoever she was, she used to work at Hogwarts. All his friends worked there, except the Malfoys, if they could be considered friends.

“Narcissa?”

“No. No, Narcissa is fine. A bit sick after witnessing the scene, like her son, but Lucius will take care of his family.”

“If the person isn’t a Malfoy then…” He shut his eyes. His silence spoke volumes. With a sinking heart, Skyrah cupped his face, forcing him to make eye contact. “Who?”

He shook his head. “I don’t want you to suffer more because of this damned war.”

“I work at Hogwarts, too. I will find out sooner or later. I want to know it now.”

He swallowed hard. “Professor Burbage… Charity.”

Skyrah gasped, blinking back tears. Although they weren’t close friends, Charity was passionate about her subject, terribly kind and tolerant, the kind of person that gave the desolate faith in humanity. She had appeared genuinely happy to find out about the Snapes’ marriage, and had once babysat Corbin.

“Charity died thinking I was on the Dark Lord’s side, a Death Eater.”

“But you aren’t,” she whispered, squeezing his waist. “You are a good man.”

“I sentenced her to death. Is that your definition of ‘a good man’?”

His sarcasm didn’t scare her. Nor did his self-loathing. She was used to them and knew how to combat them.

“Don’t you dare blame yourself for her death. If you’d saved her, your loyalties would be exposed, and we’d be doomed. You saved hundreds of lives. This war would be lost without you. Most wouldn’t have been able to keep their covers under such pressure. You fooled them all. You did your job as a spy, a magnificent job.”

“Maybe I don’t want to be a spy anymore!” He stood up to get away from her touch, breathing hard. “I don’t! I hate it. I have to see innocent people being tortured, murdered in cold blood, and there is nothing I can do about it.”

She rose to her feet and clutched his trembling hand in hers, waiting until his breathing returned back to normal. He didn’t push her away nor snap at her.

Taking it as a positive sign, she said, “I wish you didn’t have to do this. Your life's on the line all the time. It frightens me, but we are in too deep. We can only make the best of this horrible situation so that, one day, we believe the sacrifices you made as a spy were worth it.” He gulped soundly. Skyrah brought his hand to her mouth and gave it a chaste kiss. “Her death won’t be in vain. Not hers. Not Albus’s. Not our daughter’s. Not Lily’s or Daniel’s… Not a single death caused by my father. We’ll help Harry fight him.”

Skyrah changed Severus’s attire to his sleepwear with a flick of her wand. The lights went out next. She yanked him down to bed and spooned him from behind, nuzzling his hair.

“As your friend, Charity wouldn’t like to know you hate yourself so much for something that was out of your control. You’ll turn your pain into the motivation that keeps moving you. You’re so brave, so admirable and loveable,” she crooned, eliciting a sound from him that resembled a sob. “Shh. I love you. I love you even if you hate yourself.”

She dropped kisses on his nape and shoulder until his breathing became regular and deep. Although his body appeared calm, his mind kept reeling. Charity’s cries drilled his brain, as did Bellatrix’s maniac laugh alongside the sound Nagini’s fangs made when they sank into her skin. He could still smell the blood.

Skyrah drifted off to sleep thinking that, by the time he fell asleep in the comfort of her embrace, he would not feel so guilty. She had said it herself.

You fooled them all.

Even her.

Even himself.

He’d convince himself that Charity had to die for the greater good, and he would believe his own lie like Voldemort believed his fake loyalty. He’d move on. He was, after all, a magnificent spy.

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A/N: For some reason, my posts don’t appear in the snapetober search tag even if I tag it correctly. Hopefully, you see this one @snapetober​. There’s another post in my blog for this fest (day 18: falling)

I wouldn’t have been able to post this on time if it had been betaed, so I apologize for any mistakes you may have encountered. I did my best.

If you liked it, you can read the main fic here: AO3, FFN.

[artificialqueens]

Hot as Hell and No A/C, Chapter 9 (Branjie) - Blackhighheels

(7593 words - it got a bit out of hand and too long)

(Read on AO3)

Nine

Jose glances over at the man in his passenger’s seat and gives him a smile. He still can’t really believe all that has happened since last night. It feels like a dream.

Not only has Brock finally talked with him, but told him he loves him, wants to be with him as his boyfriend and now even wants to come out to his parents.

Jose’s not sure how he feels about the last part because the only way he can see this going is really badly. He’s very nervous about it. He’s also scared for Brock’s safety, because he doesn’t trust his asshole father one bit.

Jose’s own coming out had been unnerving and stressful, but all he had to worry about was getting beat up at school or mocked by his relatives. Getting shot by his mother or father had never been one of his worries, not that the rest hadn’t been horrible enough for a sixteen year old. But he’d been in love back then, with his first boyfriend and he’d wanted to hold his hand and kiss him. Sneaking around wasn’t as much fun as it sounded, and at some point he just got scared that the rumours would get to his mother before he had a chance to talk to her. She hadn’t been surprised at all, but had still managed to make the whole thing horrible, by sitting him down and giving him a very detailed talk about sex - gay sex. It had come in helpful about a six months later, but at the time he’d thought he’d die out of embarrassment.

He’s worried about Brock, about all of it being too much too fast. Of course, he wants him in L.A. with him and he doesn’t want to hide him or sneak around. If Brock asked him to however, he would do it. He’d drive to this fucking stupid yeehaw-town every week if he had to, just to go and see his man in secret – that’s how crazy he is about him, literally.

A kiss placed on the back of his hand brings him out of his head.

”You’re ok?” Brock asks him.

”Shouldn’t I be asking you that?”

Brock chuckles and keeps his hand in his. ”Take a right behind that barn and park the car there. I can go in through the back and the car can’t be seen from the house.”

Jose parks the car as instructed and turns the engine off. ”You sure you wanna do this? You know you don’t have to.”

”Yes.” Brock sounds absolutely sure and weirdly calm.

”And you sure you don’t want me to come in with ya?”

”Absolutely. You stay here. The second you’d come in, it would be a fight.”

”If you not back in thirty minutes or give me some kind of sign you alive, I’m coming in with the troops to get ya,” Jose vows.

”What kind of troops?”

”Me and the twenty people living in my head.” Brock guffaws and pulls him into another kiss. When he pulls back, Jose wraps his arms around his neck to keep him close.

”You’re crazy.” Brock says it so lovingly that Jose doesn’t even protest, but instead kisses him again.

”You been warned now. No complaining when you stuck with my crazy ass.”

”I’d love to be stuck with your crazy ass. And I won’t regret doing his, don’t worry. No matter the outcome, I can’t see things being worse than just a week ago.”  Jose is surprised that Brock picked up on his worries even though he didn’t voice them out loud. ”Just… be here when I get back. Don’t leave, ok?”

”Never. My gay ass won’t leave this car or this place or you, promise. You got thirty minutes.”

”Ok,” Brock takes a deep breath and seems to steel himself for what’s coming. Before he leaves, he leans back into the car and pecks Jose’s lips a couple of times. ”For luck.” He winks at him and then is gone, has walked into the large barn. Jose takes his phone out and starts the 30 minute countdown, nervous about how this is going to go and his worries grow with every second that ticks down.

***

Brock takes another deep breath before he opens the backdoor to the house. He knows his parents will be sitting in the kitchen having breakfast. He wants to surprise them, so they won’t see him come. As quietly as possible he slips inside and can hear the usual breakfast sounds from the kitchen: the clatter of  the dishes and cutlery, his mother hurrying through the kitchen getting things for his father and his father flipping through the newspaper.

”Good morning,” he greets them, very aware that he is still wearing the same clothes as yesterday.

”Brock!” His mother sounds either relieved or worried, he can’t really tell, but she puts her fork down and looks at him.

”Where the hell have you been? I had to do all the work in the stable and barn on my own this morning. You gonna do the hay on ya own later,” his father barks and only shortly looks up from his newspaper.

”I’m gonna get you some coffee and make you something to eat,” his mother makes a move to stand up, but Brock stops her.

”No, I already had breakfast, thank you,” he says politely.

”I don’t care about your breakfast. I asked you a question!” His father puts his newspaper down and glares at him.

”I have to talk to you,” Brock says instead.

”You got the hussy pregnant, whoever she is?”

Brock ignores his fathers comment, leans against the counter and crosses his arms in front of his chest. He feels his heart beat away in his chest, much faster than usual, but he’s not scared. He knows that no matter what happens Jose is waiting in the car behind the barn and Ada will be on his side. He won’t be alone, he won’t be homeless and he will be loved; maybe even more than he’s ever been here in this house.

”I didn’t get anyone pregnant and I didn’t spent last night with a woman.” He just wants to go on when his mother interrupts him.

”Then where have you been? It’s not right being gone all night, no one knowing where ya at. Then you show up here in yesterday’s clothes. It’s not right, son.”

”Before I can tell you where I’ve been, there’s something else I need to tell you first. I… like… I know you’re gonna be disappointed and probably hate me, but… I can’t go on like this anymore. Things need to change.”

”You wanna bail on us again and leave us with the work, so you can go to some fancy school no one needs?”

”No, dad.” Brock shakes his head, but there’s a glimmer of hope in his chest that one day he will be able to do exactly that and study what he always wanted to study. ”But, like, it’s gonna depend on you, if I keep working on the farm or not. Because…. I’m gay.”

There, he’s said it.

He’s come out to his parents and they stare at him with wide eyes. The silence is very loud.

”What?” His father is so shocked that his voice is weirdly soft for once and Brock wonders when he has last heard it like this.

”I’m gay.” He says it louder, nearly proudly.

”But…no. No!” His mother shakes her head and presses her hand to her mouth. Brock feels the sadness and disappointment radiating off of her. It hurts, it does, but he’s still bracing himself for the explosion he knows is going to happen with his father.

”No son of mine is gay! I made sure of that!” He mumbles the words, which is weird.

”You surely tried beating it out of me, but it didn’t work.”

”You’re no faggot!” There it is, the yelling he has been waiting for. His father’s fists  slam down on the kitchen table.

”I spent last night with a man, so I’m pretty sure I am.” Brock ignores the slurs and tries to stay calm. A broken sob makes him look to his mother who has started to cry.

”Get the fuck out of my house! You disgust me! You no son of mine! My son’s no faggot!”

Brock takes a deep breath as more and more homophobic insults fly his way, that are getting cruder by the second. ”You sure you want me to leave? What about the farm and the work?”

”I’d rather burn the damn thing to the ground than have a faggot working and sleeping here. It’s damn time Dan takes over and starts working on the land he’s gonna inherit anyway, while you’ll burn in hell. And now fuck off before I shoot ya!”

”I’m gonna pack my things and leave. You won’t have to see me no more,” Brock replies, looking his father straight in the eyes. There’s so much he wants to say to him, tell him what an awful joke of a man and he is, but he knows it’s not worth it. This man doesn’t even deserve his anger. It’s not like he expected anything else. ”Mom? That’s what you want, too? You want me to leave?” He needs to ask though, because he still has hope. But she simply looks down to the table, like she can’t bear to even look at him anymore. ”Alright,” he nods, knowing that’s it.

He grabs his suitcase from under his bed and first puts his clothes in, then the few other things he wants to take: Photos, a couple of books, his bible, his old laptop, his photo camera and his phone charger. He also adds the small wooden chess game his grandmother bought him a long time ago and a small wooden chest he carved himself.

”Brock?” his mother is standing in the doorway, a tissue clasped tightly in her hand. He stops checking the room for forgotten things for a second and gives her his full attention.

”Mom?”

”Don’t… just say you didn’t mean it. We can like… the reverend can get you help and your dad will calm down and… we just gonna forget it all. If you take it back…” She’s still crying.

”I can’t, mom. I’ve tried conversion therapy when I went away to College and it didn’t work.”

”You knew back then that you’re…. that you’re thinking like that?”

”I’ve always known mom. And I tried to fight it and I tried to change and lie, even to myself, because I thought it was wrong and a sin and… everything y’all always told me. But I can’t do it no more. I’ve felt like shit for so long and I thought about killing myself a couple of times…” Another sob escapes his mother. ”And now, for the first time I’m in love. I love him, mom, so much. I tried to forget about him and continue living a lie, but I just can’t do it. You saw me lying in this bed, depressed and sick to my stomach. You know I’ve been unhappy. I just… I choose to be me this time and I choose to be happy. And I’d rather do it with you than without you, but you give me no choice.”

”Who is he?” her question is quiet and lacks emotion.

”His name is Jose. You’ve met him. ‘Vanjie’, he was Rachel’s dance teacher and drove us to the hospital when Dan fell. That’s kind of how we met.”

She nods and doesn’t look surprised. ”You take care of yourself.” She looks at him and he can’t see any hate or disgust in her eyes. Brock wants to step forward and hug her goodbye, but she quickly turns around before he can do so and leaves the room. This stings a lot more than his father’s screamed insults.

He quickly finishes packing, then grabs the suitcase and a sports bag and leaves the way he has come.

Outside he takes a deep breath. He’s finally free.

When he walks through the barn, Henry shows up and greets him like he usually does. Brock scratches his head and wants to keep walking, but Henry jumps on him and clings to his leg.

”You wanna come?” he asks him and picks him up. Suddenly he knows he can’t leave him. ”Let’s hope Jose’s ok with you.”

With Henry on his arm he suddenly feels euphoric. He did it! He’s come out to his parents, no one got shot and now he gets to finally live his life without hiding who he is or who he loves.

Jose jumps out of the car as soon as he sees him, runs towards him and hugs him so tightly he nearly makes him tumble to the ground and squish the cat.

”I was so worried. There’s only eleven minutes left.”

”I’m ok,” he assures him and laughs. Nothing feels better than being in Jose’s arms again. Jose grabs the sports bag from him and puts it in the back seat while Brock puts the suitcase in the trunk.

”And who’s this?” Jose the asks when he spots Henry.

”That’s my kitten Henry.”

”Kitten? That’s one huge ass cat,” Jose laughs. ”He coming with us, Tiger King?”

”If you’ll have him.”

”We can’t leave your baby behind.” Jose shrugs and suddenly wrinkles his forehead. There’s a weird sound coming from behind Brock. It’s coming from the barn and is getting louder and louder. ”And what the fuck is this?” Jose points to the ground.

Brock laughs when he sees what he means. ”That’s Henry’s brother Apollo.  He sounds like a broken lawn-mower when he tries to meow.”

”He ain’t no brother! They look nothing alike! You lying!”

”I’m not. Same litter, but he has a different father, obviously.”

”Oh, their mama’s one of those…” Jose nods knowingly and makes Brock chuckle again. ”What we gonna do with him? He looks pressed.”

”Apollo can’t be bothered by me or any other humans, but I guess he likes Henry.”

”That true? You hate us hoomans?” Jose crouches down and holds out his hand. To Brock’s biggest surprise the grey cat walks over to him and bumps his head against it and starts purring. ”Guess Thacks gonna have two new step brothers, ‘cause I got myself a mans,” Jose smirks up at him. The warmth that spreads from his heart through his whole body, reminds Brock again why he just did what he did. Jose’s certainly all worth it and so much more.

”What did I do to deserve you?” Brock speaks his thoughts out loud, and expresses the wonder that he feels.

”You cute, you been a good christian white boy all your life and you gonna fuck me real good when we get home, that’s what.” With a sassy smile Jose picks up Apollo and places him in the car, before he gets back into the driver’s seat. Brock can only laugh and follows him into the car.

***

By the time they’re back at Jose’s apartment, Brock’s euphoria is gone and reality has settled in. The short drive gave him time to think and once the stress is over, the sadness settles in. Brock kept petting Henry, who was sitting on his lap, while Apollo jumped all over the interior of the car during the short drive.

”Let’s go upstairs,” Jose nudges him gently when they have arrived and manages to catch Apollo, while Brock keeps Henry in his arms.

”Where we gonna put them?” he wonders, because he knows they can’t just let them run round in the same space as Thackery, or it’d end up in war.

”The bathroom for now. We gonna think of something later,” Jose decides. After the two cats are in there, Jose sits down on the sofa and opens his arms. ”And now come here, boo, so I can give ya a hug.” Brock is more than ready for that hug at this point and falls into his arms.

For a while they are both silent, even though Brock knows Jose wants to know what exactly happened. But he needs a moment to sort his thoughts and analyse his own emotions, as he goes over the talk with his parents again and again, different feelings bubbling up.

”My dad reacted like expected. But my mom, she, like, she let me go, didn’t even fight for me. I mean, she like came after me to my room and asked me to take it all back, but she wouldn’t accept me, now that I’m finally being myself. She’d rather have me be fucking unhappy and lying, than gay. How fucked up is that?”

”Real fucked up.” Jose is running his fingers through Brock’s hair and it’s the most relaxing thing ever. ”Did she like throw you out? Your dad did, right?”

”My dad did. She just said I should take care of myself. No goodbye, no ‘I love you’, nothing. Aren’t your parents supposed to love you unconditionally? What happened to that? But, like, they never did anyway, not even my mom. All this crap about family and how we all there for each other and have each others back and love… it’s all just bullshit.”

”Dunno if it helps, but I love you.” Jose sounds timid and it makes Brock look up at him.

”It does. It helps a lot. And I love you, too.” Jose smiles and pecks his lips, which instantly makes Brock feel a whole lot better. ”Is it always like this when you’re in a relationship? That you feel so much so quickly?” He snuggles even more up to Jose, not caring that he’s taler than him. He just needs to be held right now.

”I don’t think so. It ain’t ever been like this for me before. That how I know you special. I couldn’t forget ya.”

”I had like crushes before, but… when I saw you the first time, like… I had to pray extra hard that night.”

”What did you pray for?”

”Salvation? Forgiveness for my sins, because I thought about how beautiful you are and how cute and like…”

”And how hot and sexy and how you was ogling my gay ass and wanted a piece of it?” Jose’s teasing is not too far away from the truth.

”Pretty much,” Brock admits with an embarrassed chuckle.

”Haaa! Babe!” Jose screeches, laughs and hugs him so tightly Brock has trouble breathing.

”I wanted to jump your bones the first time I saw you. You was so fucking hot when you was sleeping in the studio. I kept staring at ya for like ten minutes before I woke you up.”

”You were ogling me?” Brock smiles.

”Hey, bitch, you were ogling me too. Don’t play!” They both have to laugh.

”I’m so glad you came back,” Brock admits after another minute of silence, during which Brock just listens to Jose’s breathing, his head against his chest.

”Me too.”

”And now you’re stuck with taking me back to L.A. with you, paying for everything until I find a job and on top you have two more cats to take care of.” It’s meant to be a flippant and funny comment, but once he speaks the words, Brock realises that he’s scared; Scared that Jose will realised some day soon what he got himself into and will throw him out as well. If his parents don’t want him around, then why should he?

”Now listen….” Jose actually grabs his curls to make him look at him, when Brock doesn’t react to the nudges he gives him before. Once Brock is looking at him, he continues. ”I told you I want you in L.A. with me. If living together gets too much, we can find another solution, but bitch, if you thinking you too much… ya better wait until you realise how crazy I can get. I want my man with me and I want a future. I don’t like playing around and wandering eyes and all that shit. I want to think about a future and long term and I want exclusive. If I hear ”open relationship” from one of these L.A. hos one more time, Imma lose my fucking mind. I’m jealous and all my exes say I’m clingy and I might get too extra sometimes. But… what I wanna say is, we both not perfect and it’s not gonna be all perfect and sexy all the time, but, like, I love you a whole lot and I wanna make this work.”

Brock kisses him softly before he replies. ”Same. And I don’t even know what an open relationship is, but… I’ve never been in any relationship, so…we’ll learn together?” He shrugs. ”And I think… if there’s some way, I really wanna study photography. And I need a job, because I can’t just sit around all day. I’ll do some research later.”

”See, you already making plans. And maybe, you know, you should look into a therapist while you at it. I’m crazy enough for the two of us.” Jose smiles again when Brock chuckles.

”You’re not that crazy.” Brock slowly sits up and adjusts his position, so he is resting against the back of the couch, when his neck starts to hurt. Not being close to Jose is unacceptable, so he pulls him against him this time.

”What else do you wanna do in the future?”

”Someday, I want to go on a vacation. And I want to go to the beach and see the sea. I’ve never been to a real beach.”

”Like never ever?”

”Never ever.”

”Our house is not that far from the beach in L.A., just a ten minute drive. We’ll go, first thing when we get there.”

”And I want to buy a real car, one that doesn’t break down all the time. And one day, I think I want to get married.”

”You wanna have kids too?”

”I’m not sure. Do I have to decide now?” Brock wonders.

”Nah, I’m not sure either. Just… it’s good to know you on the same page in general. Like, I wanna get married, too. And I want someone loyal and faithful and… I wanna be enough.”

”How could you not be enough?” Brock really doesn’t get it.

”Ask my ex. He’s the one who cheated all the time.”

”I’m sorry,” Brock feels bad for him, but he also can’t understand how anyone could cheat on Jose.

”Just… if you ever get sick of me… don’t cheat, k? Just talk to me.”

”Same. If you ever want me gone, talk to me.”

”Deal.” Jose puckers his lips and they kiss to seal the deal.  ”How’bout we go back to bed and take a nap. This day’s already been a lot and some crazy motherfucker woke me up way too early and didn’t even let me go back to sleep after we done and did the dirty.” A wide yawn accompanies Jose’s words.

”Weren’t you the one who wanted the dirty? I just wanted to fix the AC.”

Jose snorts and slaps Brock’s shoulder before he sits up. ”Sure, asshole. That why you nearly fucked me again on the kitchen counter.” He holds out his hand to Brock. ”Come on. I need my beauty sleep, before I can come up with a plan for the cats and all the other crazy shit.”

They both just take their pants and shoes off, push Thackery aside and are asleep in no time, even though it’s not even noon yet.

***

Because of their long nap around noon, they are both still up around midnight. Brock knows it’s not that unusual for Jose, but for him it’s certainly past his usual bedtime. However he’s not even tired yet. They’ve done not much in the afternoon, just talked to Jason and had dinner together in the evening. Then Jose had made him watch another movie he insisted Brock absolutely needed to watch. He couldn’t even tell you what it was about, since they spent nearly the whole time making out like teenagers.

”It finally a bit cooler,” Jose remarks when he comes back from the bathroom, where he took care of the cats. Brock has opened the windows and enjoys the gentle breeze that comes in from outside.

”It’s nice outside.” He looks out the window and sees the fields around them illuminated by the moonlight.

”Mmh.” Jose wraps his arms around Brock’s waist from behind and leans his cheeks against his shoulder. ”In L.A. when it’s this nice out at night, I sometimes drive out to the beach and hang out with my friends.”

This gives Brock an idea. He lifts his arm and brings Jose around to his front. ”You up for going for a short drive? I think I know a place you might like.”

”Now?”

”Now.” Brock confirms and softly kisses his man. ”You got a blanket? I get the beer from the fridge.”

”Oooh, we going for a picnic?” Jose seems excited by the prospect and hurries off.

”One without food maybe,” Brock chuckles.

”I still got cold pizza in the fridge from yesterday. We could take it.”

”I hate cold pizza.” Brock actually shudders.

”You one weird motherfucker, boo.” Jose comes back with a woolen blanket and has changed from his sweats into shorts.

”Why did you change?”

”‘Cause we going out and not to the dance studio?”

”You know that everybody but us is asleep in this town?”

”So? You taking me out on our kinda first date and I gotta look good.”

The explanation is so much like Jose, that it makes Brock laugh. ”You always look good,” he kisses him again. ”But this is not a date. When we’re in L.A. and once I got some money, I’m going to take you out on a real date, I promise.”

Jose just smiles brightly and they leave. To his biggest surprise Jose just hands him the car keys, because he says it’s easier that way. He’s right of course, bur Brock is still a bit intimidated by the expensive car. It’s amazing to drive and Jose keeps watching him like one proud mother.

Brock pulls off the main road quickly and takes the small paths he’s known all his life. They are in the middle of endless corn fields, that are so high even the car can’t be seen from outside. When he reaches the clearing, he parks the car.

”Who that is?” Jose points to the oak tree, that is the reason why they are here.

”That’s a swing I put here for Rachel. The land belongs to my mom, but no one ever comes out here but me and so I made this Rachel’s secret hideaway. My dad’s always wanted to chop up the tree, but he never got to it,” Brock explains and gets out of he car. In the middle of the field is a small patch of grass and a huge oak tree that has a wooden swing hanging off one of the branches.

”You made that? How the fuck did you get up there?” Jose asks and walks closer to the swing.

”Just threw the ropes over the branch,” Brock shrugs.

”That safe?”

”I sometimes come here at night when I can’t sleep, just to sit on the swing and pretend I’m the only person in the world.” He pulls Jose close by wrapping an arm around his shoulders. ”I just thought, like, you’d like to see this place before we leave and like… I wanted you to see it.”

”You better stop with this romantic shit, asshole, or I’m gonna cry,” Jose hugs him around the middle and presses a kiss to his upper arm.

”You wanna try out the swing?”

”Kinky,” Jose winks at him, but then jumps on the swing.  At first Brock pushes him, but then Jose is flying high and higher, his usual enthusiasm taking over. Brock keeps an eye on him as he spreads out the blanket and grabs the beer from the car. Jose whoops and laughs as he flies through the air and Brock snaps a couple of pictures of him with his phone. He’s lucky he’s just filming a video of him, when Jose lets go of the ropes and jumps off the swing.

”Jo!” Brock yelps, scared he might hurt himself, but Jose lands perfectly and smiles proudly.

”Calm down, mami. I’m a dancer, we do shit like that on the regular. You not going on the swing?” He walks over to where Brock is sitting and sits down next to him.

”Nah, not right now. I had fun watching you.” He hands him a beer.

”And you say this ain’t a date. Most romantic shit I’ve ever been on.” Jose comments and leans back on his elbows.

”I always thought dates involve going out for dinner or a movie or something.”

”A date can be whatever you want. And if you asking me, like, it don’t need to be some huge ass production, you know. Like presents don’t have to be expensive. I don’t need someone to spend a shitload of money on some shit I don’t need or want. But, you know, if people put some thought into it…. Other things are important.”

”Mmh… you might want to remember that when I make you something for each anniversary, Christmas and birthday, because I don’t have any money.” Brock smiles, meaning it as a joke, but Jose remains thoughtful.

”I take this here and having time with you over roses or some shit.” Jose takes another sip of beer, then places the bottle on the ground next to him. ”Time’s gonna be a problem. I have to travel a lot for work and then you’re gonna be on your own in L.A.” He rolls towards Brock, who pulls him the rest of the way on top of him.

”I’m gonna miss you then.” He says lightly and kisses him. It doesn’t take long until Jose deepens the kiss and Brock opens his legs, so he can lie between them. Surrounded by corn fields and with the moon shining above them, they soon lose their shirts and pants, but they don’t change their positions. There’s no one nearby to hear their moans as they move, and Brock is surprised by how much he likes Jose’s weight on top of him, as they rut and grind against each other. Sometimes Jose’s dicks slips down between his butt cheeks, bumps against his sphincter and makes him groan even louder. Gasping into Jose’s mouth, Brock comes all over his stomach and chest, when Jose brings his hand between them and wraps it around their dicks, as they keep moving.

”That why you really brought me here?” Jose asks him with a smirk, after he’s followed him over the edge a while later.

”Not really. Or I would have brought condoms and lube,” Brock laughs and gives him a kiss.

”True dat,” Jose nods and looks down between them. ”Your shirt or mine?” he asks then and wrinkles his nose, seeing the mess they made.

”Just use the edge of the blanket. We need to wash it anyway.” Jose does just that and wipes them both clean with it, before he resumes his position on top of Brock again. Brock runs his hands up and down his back and enjoys the feeling of his smooth, warm skin. ”Hey Jo?”

”Huh?”

Brock is nervous and wonders if he should really say something. This is all so new and he’s never been in a relationship, so he has no reference for what’s ok or not. But… it’s what he feels and Jose asked him to speak his mind a couple of times. And he’d rather do it here in the semi-dark than in bright daylight at some later point.

”You know the first time… you said that you wouldn’t mind if… like… I really like you on top of me like this and, like….” Brock rambles and tries to find the right way to say it. Jose stops him with a kiss.

”You wanna bottom sometime, that it?”

”I’ve never done it before.”

”We’ll try it and see if you like it, ok?”

”Does it hurt?”

”Not of you prepped right. Imma make sure you gonna be ok,” Jose vows and suddenly the nervousness is gone. ”We gonna start slow and take our time. Paris wasn’t built in a day.”

Brock guffaws, he can’t help it. He strongly suspects that Jose messes up on purpose to make him laugh, because he always has that little smile on his face when he botches another saying. It’s like it’s a challenge.

”Rome, you goof.”

”Bitch, what? You ain’t gonna tell me Paris was built in a day!” Now they’re both cackling.

***

”Brock! Your phone! It’s Ada,” Jose calls the next morning when he stumbles out of the bedroom and into the kitchen, where Brock is sitting in front of his laptop with a cup of coffee.

”Thanks.” He quickly gives him a kiss good morning before he answers the call, as he watches Jose trudge into the bathroom. ”Hey Ada.”

”Hey, little brother. Mom stopped by this morning and told me you came out to them yesterday. Something you wanna tell me?” the tone of her voice makes it clear she knows the main things already anyway.

”Jose and I are together now.”

”Oh my god!” Ada’s loud and excited scream keeps Brock from continuing. ”Oh my god! I’m so happy for you! I knew it!”

”Speaking of which… Jose tells me you kind of talked him into coming back here. Anything you wanna add?”

”Uhm… not really. I don’t feel sorry, but I can say it if you wanna hear it,” she giggles.

”Nah… I guess I have to say thank you,” Brock chuckles.

”So, you’re happy?”

”Very.”

”Aww, my brother’s in love. Finally! How about the two of you come over for dinner today and tell me all about it and your coming-out and what you gonna do next?”

”Uhm… let me just check with Jose real quick.” Brock gets up and walks into the bathroom where the shower is running. ”Jo?”

”Yes, you can come in, but only if you wash my hair again.” He still sounds like he’s half asleep, which makes Brock laugh.

”I don’t wanna shower with you. Ada’s asking, if we wanna come over for dinner tonight.”

”Cool. What should we bring?”

”Jose asks if we should bring something.” Brock tells his sister.

”Just some wine of you want some, because I only have kid friendly drinks in the house.”

”Alright, then see you tonight,” Brock tells her.

”See you later. Enjoy your ‘shower’,” Ada laughs before she hangs up. For a second Brock stares disbelievingly at the phone.

”What, why you looking at the phone like that?” Jose’s head pops around the shower curtain.

”Ada just made a sexual reference or joke.” Brock tells him.

”Bitch, that lady has seven kids! Don’t tell me you think the stork brought them, or we having some serious issues here,” Jose rolls his eyes and disappears back behind the curtain. Brock just laughs, places his phone on the shelf and quickly steps out of his clothes.

”Give me that.” He gently takes the shampoo bottle from Jose when he sees into the shower, and starts washing his hair as requested. His boyfriend moans obscenely as he massages his skull.

”You gotta do that every day from now on.” His eyes are closed as he enjoys Brock’s touches.

”That what you had in mind when you talked about making me your sex slave?”

”When you suck my cock after this, we might be getting close,” the bratty answer comes, which makes Brock chuckle.

”My mom told Ada about me coming out to them. So I guess Dan knows too at this point.”

”How do you think he’ll react?”

”I don’t know. Honesty, I don’t think Dan on his own would care too much, but my sister in law will surely have something to say about it.”

”She one of those stuck up bit…women?”

”You can say it, she really is a bitch. Always has been,” Brock laughs.

”My mama’ gonna whoop your ass, if you ever talk about a women like that when she’s present.”

”Speaking of which… does your family know anything about this?” He grabs the shower head and rinses Jose’s hair out.

”Who do you think let me cry in her arms when I got back? And I told her I was coming back here and I might have texted her last night, when we was driving to the swing and let her know I got myself a man.” He smiles proudly.

”And what does she think about this? Me?” Now Brock is scared, because he knows how much his mother means to Jose. If she doesn’t like him or what she knows about him, it might be a deal breaker.

”She’s happy I’m happy and she wants to meet you soon. I think she’ll just show up as soon as we tell her we back in L.A.”

”She doesn’t have a problem with you bringing back a poor hillbilly?”

”My ma?” Jose guffaws. ”I showed her your picture and she only asked if you got a single older brother, ‘cause you hot as fuck.”

”Come on! No way your mother said that! ‘Hot as fuck’, no way!” Brock laughs.

”You better believe it, child, or you in for a shock when you meet my ma. She even crazier than I am. A warning: Don’t ever drink with her, ‘cause she’ll win and you’ll be dead the next day.”

”She sounds nothing like my mother.” Brock tries to picture her, but he can’t. Jose’s description sounds like no mother he’s ever met around here.

”Nope. Think J.Lo really being from the block.”

”Who’s J.Lo?”

Jose’s loud groan echoes through the bathroom. ”We got so much work to do, so much motherfucking work.” Then his kisses Brock and ends the discussion for the next two hours, because they have better things to do.

***

Ada is so excited she’s basically dancing through the house when they get there. Rachel, Jonathan and Ruthie are still up as well, while the other four are already in bed. To Brock’s surprise Joe, Ada’s husband, is also home and he greets him like always, with a pat on the back and not many words. He’s nice to Jose though, offers him something to drink and tries to stop Ruthie from climbing all over him. Ada hugs Brock tightly and he thinks she might even be crying a little.

”I’m just so glad and happy,” she says when he looks at her questioningly. ”Rachel, Jonathan can you go and wash your hands? Joe can you take Ruthie to bed? She said she’d go once she saw Vanjie.”

”Sure,” Joe agrees and plucks Ruthie off Jose’s back, not that he seems to mind her climbing all over him while he chats with Rachel.

”Rachel showed her videos of you and pictures and now she says she’s your biggest fan,” Ada explains to Jose, when he joins them in the kitchen.

”That’s real cute. Imma send her one of my shirts when we back home in LaLaland.”

”We? You’re really going to L.A. with him?” Ada asks Brock.

”Yes,” he nods and smiles at Jose, who wraps an arm around his waist. ”I’m going back to school for photography. We already signed me up for classes this afternoon and I can start right away. We also found me a therapist and I’ll start that two weeks from now. All I got to do now is find a job,” Brock tells his sister. He is so excited that they managed to get all that done in just one afternoon, but with Jose’s help it wasn’t a problem at all. He’s seen on google maps where he’s going to live and they found a school that’s in the area and both affordable and offers a good program. Jose took care of the therapist by asking around with his friends… it all just fell into place.

”That can wait. You gonna be busy with school and therapy and the house and three kitty cats. You know I won’t be around much for the first month or so.” Jose reminds him. It’s a bit nerve wrecking to think about being alone in a big city and find his way, but he knows he’ll manage and it’s not like Jose won’t be home at all. He just has a lot of rehearsals for a video shoot.

”You gonna move to L.A.?” Rachel’s voice comes from behind and she sounds less than happy.

”Yes, I’m going to L.A.” Brock confirms and both he and Jose turn around, their arms still wrapped around each other.

”But what about me? You can’t leave!” Rachel bursts into tears.

”Oh, honey,” Brock rushes over to her and picks her up. He knows she’s too old for that with her nearly eleven years, but at the moment it feels right and he has to console her.

”Why you leaving me?” She sobs. ”You’re my best friend.”

”And I’ll always be your best friend, Rache’.” He tries to wipe her tears away but they keep falling. Jose comes up behind them and rubs her back.

”You can always come and visit us. There’s a guest room that’s gonna be yours whenever you want it,” Jose vows.

”You gonna live together?” Rachel’s eyes widen.

”Yes. You know that I’m gay, right? You know I like men?” Brock asks her and sits down on the sofa in the living room with her, Jose sitting down on the other side of her.

”Momma told me.”

”I think you kind of knew before, didn’t you?” Brock smiles.

”Kinda,” she confirms, smiles and sniffs one last time before she wipes her own tears away.

”And I love Jose a  lot and we want to be together, but we can’t do that here. Jose has no work here and grandma and grandpa don’t want me living at their house anymore. That’s why I’m going to Los Angeles with Jose.”

”You not gonna be happy here without him and no work and no house.” Rachel nods her head.

”Yeah.”

”You gonna be nice to him, right? He’s my best friend! Or I’ll kick your ass!” She suddenly warns Jose. He’s the one who screeches and screams with laughter, while Brock’s mouth just hangs open.

”Rachel! That’s one dollar for the swearing jar,” Ada speaks up, even though she’s looking really amused as well.

Jose takes a ten dollar bill out of his jeans pocket and hands it to the girl. ”Here. The rest’s bribe money,” he tells her.

”Accepted,” she smirks and wanders off to pay her bill.

”You go and spoil her like that, Jose, and I’ll send her your way to set her straight when she enters the teen years.” Ada warns him and starts putting food on the table.

”She cute, clever and sassy. I like her.”

”Sounds like someone else I know,” Brock points out. First a large smile blossoms on Jose’s face, before he pulls him close for another kiss.

”Seeing you together, it might really be better you’re moving to the big city. You can’t keep your hands off each other,” Ada laughs and makes Brock blush.

”Hey, don’t play shy now! You the one who won’t give my hand back,” Jose teases and looks pointedly to their linked fingers. ”Miss Ada, watch him later. As soon as I’m gonna be done eating, he  be holding my hand again, or touching my shoulder. He always been this touchy feely?” Jose gives his hand a squeeze that Ada can’t see.

”My brother was very tactile and affectionate as a child but then it stopped. Seems you bring it back out of him.”

”Can you two stop talking about me? I’m sitting right here.” Brock finally complaints when his ears are so hot and red he fears they might falls off soon.

Ada laughs. ”So when are you two going to L.A.?”

”I have to be back on Thursday for rehearsal and we thought some days to show Brock around town might be nice.” Jose starts the explanation.

”Monday,” Brock finally tells his sister.

”So soon? That’s just two days from now.”

”I know.” Brock takes a deep breath to stop himself from bursting into tears. He’s going to miss his sister so much. ”We thought we could maybe do something tomorrow, because we know you all got church on Sunday.”

”Sounds good. Joe has to leave tomorrow morning, but we can come up with something.”

”We could all go swimming,” Rachel suggests as she walks back into the room with her father.

”That sounds great, Miss Rachel,” Jose nods. ”And this looks amazing.” He compliments the food.

”Then let’s eat,” Ada says, and that’s what they do.

It turns out Jose is wrong about the touching. He’s barely finished his salad when he feels Brock’s free hand on his thigh. Only Ada’s pointed look makes Brock realise what he’s doing, but he just shrugs, smiles and places a kiss on Jose’s cheek that makes Jonathan gag, Rachel squeal and Ada sigh happily.

TBC

[a-diary-for-seoulmates]

[Feb. 14, 2019 7:30 am]

The blaring of your alarm coming from the nightstand woke you up earlier than you would’ve liked, but you knew it would be worth it later when you saw the smile on your best friends face. You were determined to do something special for Jaehyun’s birthday this year. You hated how he always ended up feeling forgotten, as everyone was too busy with their own Valentine’s Day plans to celebrate with him. You had even been guilty of that crime a couple times, and the heartbroken puppy look he gave you when you would tell him you had a date absolutely shattered you. You needed to hurry if you wanted to get everything done in time, so you pressed pause on your thoughts and climbed out of bed, pulling your clothes on and  doing your hair and makeup before you rushed down the stairs. You nearly fell in the process.

Once you were out the door, things seemed to be going smoother. You’d made it to the the shopping district just before the morning rush had set in, and practically sprinted into one of the shops just as the doors opened to pick up Jaehyun’s gifts you’d ordered. After that, you managed to get back on the road without any major delays and headed towards the little hole in the wall breakfast place Jaehyun always dragged you to. You had called in your order while you were driving, so by the time you got there your unusually large order was ready to go. You tried your best to ignore the stares your received as you paid and carried the several bags of food out the doors; you couldn’t afford to let anything slow you down today.

Your final stop was the coffee and confectionery shop near his dorm. You checked the time on your stereo as you climbed back into the drivers seat. 8:25 am. It had taken you longer than expected to get the food situated in the back seat so that it wouldn't tip over and you were now pushed for time. You knew it would take you at least another 20 minutes to drive to the coffee shop, leaving you only 15 minutes to get in, order your coffees and sweets, and get to the dorms before your best friend woke up. The thought of being late made you drive a little faster than you were really comfortable with, but luckily you made it to the shop a few minutes earlier than expected. It was a good thing you had, too, because you had to wait in a longer line than you had accounted for. You left the shop with your coffees and a little bag of confections (it was Valentine’s Day too, after all) and headed straight for your car.

Thankfully, you met Ten and Johnny in the parking lot as they were leaving for the day, and they kindly helped you carry everything back to the dorm so you wouldn’t have to make so many trips. Since you didn’t have to wait to be let in, you set everything out before heading towards Jaehyun’s room to see if he was awake.

You were just about to knock on the door when it swung open, leaving you face to face with a sleepy-eyed, messy-haired, half naked Jaehyun. It was a sight you weren’t used to seeing, even though you had known him for years. You tried not to stare at his muscles, and focused instead on the somewhat surprised look on his face which you assumed mirrored your own.

“Y/n, what are you doing here? I thought you’d be at work right now.” He asked as he stepped back into his room and began looking for a t-shirt. You stayed in your place in the doorway, but your eyes never left him as they explored his exposed skin. You’d be lying if you said you hadn’t ever had feelings for him; he was incredibly attractive and surprisingly quite your type, but you knew he didn’t see you the same way, so you pushed those feelings to the side and enjoyed the relationship you did have with him.

Shaking your thoughts from your head once again, you answered Jaehyun as he walked back over to you and leaned against the door frame. “I took a vacation day... I thought we could hang out today, unless you have other plans.”

“Nope, I’m all yours.” Your smile widened and your heart fluttered with excitement when he said that.

“Good.” You quickly grabbed his hand and began dragging him towards the kitchen.

“What are you doing?”

“I have a surprise for you!”

Once you reached the kitchen he looked around at everything in confusion. “Y/n, what’s all this? Did you do this?”

You nodded excitedly, “Happy birthday, Jae!”

The two of you spent the rest of the morning eating and once you were finished, you put the left overs away and watched Jaehyun open his gifts. You’d bought him several clothing items you’d seen him looking at, along with a few others that you thought he’d like. He tried each and every one on, giving you a mini fashion show while you cheered him on from the couch. When he finally came to the final bag, the small bag of confections, he looked at you. “Is this one for me too?” He asked as he sat down beside you, now back in his sweats and his t-shirt. You nodded as he pulled the sweets from the bag and raised an eyebrow.

“I know we’re celebrating your birthday, but it is still Valentine’s Day too... I thought I might as well add on the stack you’ll get later.” You teased, nudging him with your elbow. For a second, you thought you saw his smile falter, but no sooner than it had happened it was gone.

It was now nearly 3:00 pm and Jaehyun was carrying you up the stairs bridal style to his room. Once he reached his room he sat you down on the edge of his bed. It wasn’t uncommon for the two of you to do something like this. In fact, you spent a lot of your time cuddled up together and flirting; it didn’t matter if you were watching a movie or playing a game or doing nothing at all, you just enjoyed being close to one another. People around you always liked to point it out, too. You looked around his side of the room while you waited for him to get a couple blankets from the closet down the hall. Nothing had really changed since you were here last, except for the beautiful bouquet of flowers and what you assumed was a jewelry box that now sat on his desk.

Curiosity got the best of you. You walked over to the desk and took a better look at the items. Your brows furrowed and your bottom lip jutted out in a slight pout. How did you not know that your best friend was seeing somebody, and, judging by the brand name on top of the box, that their relationship was apparently quite serious. The thought that Jaehyun would keep something like this from you sent a pang of hurt through your chest, but it was nothing compared to the guilt you were starting to feel. You were keeping him here, when he could be spending time with whoever he’d bought those gifts for. Those thoughts began to make you feel selfish and grow more uncomfortable the longer they lingered. When you heard the soft pattern of feet coming down the hall, you rushed back to your previous spot on the bed and did the best you could to pretend nothing was wrong.

“Sorry it took so long, I accidentally knocked the other blankets off the shelf.” He chuckled and set his blankets down.

You shifted uncomfortably in your spot, “It’s okay, but... I actually need to get going.”

“What? Why? I thought you wanted to spend the day together.” He said as he watched you walk towards the door. You bit your lip and started to gather your bag and grabbed your coat, trying to think of some excuse as to why you had to leave so suddenly.

“I um... I forgot I told my roommate I’d pick the cat up from the vet.” You lied, trying your best to sound believable. Just like the sweetie he was, Jaehyun quickly adapted to the change in plans.

“Oh... I can go with you if you’d like! Just let me get changed.” He offered. You quickly shut him down.

“No, that’s okay. You probably have plans later anyways. I’d hate to keep you from them.” You quickly hugged him as you turned to leave. It wasn’t like you to turn Jaehyun down when he offered to do something with you, and you both knew that. He caught your gaze shifting towards his desk as you turned to leave and grabbed your wrist before you could walk out the door.

“Y/n, wait.” He was mentally cursing at himself for not thinking to hide the gifts he’d bought you. He assumed you had caught on to his confession plan. “Look, I’m sorry you had to find out this way, but please don’t leave... let’s just talk about this.”

“I don-“

“Please don’t play dumb. You saw the flowers and the necklace, didn’t you?” You’d been caught.

“Yeah I did...” you turned back towards him, but your gaze dropped to the ground. “I know I shouldn’t have snooped, but you shouldn’t have hid something like this from me.”

“I know... I just...” he paused trying to find right words, “I didn’t know how to tell you.”

“You could’ve just told me you’re seeing someone, Jae. I would’ve understood. I just feel bad for ruining your plans today. I wouldn’t have lingered so long had I known.” His grip on your wrist tightened a little and his head shot up.

“Seeing someone? I’m not seeing anyone!”

“Then who did you... oh...” you trailed off as you realized his true intentions.

“Yeah.”

“Jae-“ he cut you off again.

“It’s okay Y/n, I know you don’t think of me like that. I’ve had feeling for you since we met and I just had to get them off my chest. I felt like I was suffocating. I’m sorry if that seems selfish.” Jaehyun released his grip on you, but you stood still. You knew just how he felt. You surprised him when, out of all the reactions you could’ve possibly shown, you suddenly started laughing.

“Okay, I get that you don’t like me but you don’t have to rub it i-“

This time it was you who cut him off as you pulled him down by his shirt collar and kissed him. It was short and sweet, but somehow it still left you breathless. “We’re idiots.” You chuckled as you pulled away, though your arms stayed wrapped around each other.

“What makes you say that?”

“We’ve liked each other since the very beginning. We act like a couple constantly and we flirt just as much.“ you pointed out as you thought back over the past few years. “We must be really dumb if it really took us this long to realize this.” Jaehyun started to laugh with you once he realized just how right you were.

“So you really do like me then?” He asked as you both calmed and you nodded. He leaned down and pecked your lips again. A teasing smirk replaced his smile when he pulled away. “I don’t like you...”

“Jae, seriously?” You rolled your eyes at his teasing. He nodded and took your coat and your purse, setting them aside before he picked you up and carried you back to his bed.

“I’m serious, Y/n. I don’t like you.” He repeated as he climbed into bed and wrapped his arms around you, your legs tangling together. “I love you.” His words took you by surprise, but you still reciprocated and immediately said them back.

The two of you laid there for what felt like forever, just talking about anything and everything like you normally did. The only real difference was the occasional kisses and words of affirmation that you shared with each other. Finally, Jaehyun asked you the question that had been burning on his mind for a while now. “So do you actually need to go pick up your cat today?” He asked with the most innocent look, making you laugh again. You kissed him between your giggles and cupped his face when he raised a brow at you. He seemed to do that a lot.

“Jae, I don’t have a cat.”

“Oh...”

[connorssock]

To Hear You Smile

Making dumb decision was a right of passage growing up. And it was something that Gavin took to the extremes. He was young, angry and stupid, wanting any kind of relief from life in general. Temporary solace came in the form of Red Ice. It blurred the pain of a broken family, of not meeting expectations at school, of being repeatedly told he will amount to nothing. At least when he was high, none of those mattered.

Of course, it was only a short term relief, all too soon money problems caught up with him, he was kicked out of his family home and Gavin wondered the streets aimlessly. Cold nights under bridges or huddled in doorways weren’t his idea of a good time and even being high wasn’t enough to chase away the pangs of hunger. There wasn’t much left in the world for him, he’d wasted his potential and now nobody would even throw him a stick to help keep afloat. In a black spiral, the only thing that made sense was to go out with a bang, one final high so great, he’d slip from the world with a smile on his face at least.

Pooling all his money into buying as much Red Ice as he could, he found a quiet alley and got comfortable. He sighed as the drugs flooded his system and let himself drift.

His plan didn’t include waking up in hospital, with a multitude of wires and tubes surrounding him. But that was where he’d found himself, with a couple of very sympathetic nurses. Gavin couldn’t tell them why he’d done it, not without the worry of being locked up or, even worse, being sent back home. And he definitely didn’t want the pitying looks people would send his way. Despite it all, he still got them when nobody showed up at visiting hours, even after his family had been notified.

Medical professionals tutted over him, gave him a rundown of just how much he’d fucked himself over. There was something about blood pressure, intracranial pressure complications and lifelong management - there was something about avoiding all manner of caffeine in there. In all honesty, Gavin didn’t pay much attention to it, he didn’t feel like he’d have to worry about things like that for too long. As soon as he was out, he was only going to do it again because there was no way he could repay the hospital bills. He hadn’t asked to be saved anyway.

At least, that had been his plan. But one of the orderlies, an utterly no nonsense woman took one look at him and decided that he was worth her effort. She knew when he was due to be discharged, blood pressure pills prescribed at such a tender age and with no hope of ever coming off them. Whatever she saw in him, he was grateful to her years later.

She’d helped him get a job as a welder’s apprentice. It didn’t pay much but his boss let him sleep in the back office until he found his feet. All in all, it was a pretty sweet deal, the couch was a pullout bed, there was a small kitchen area for employees to use at lunchtime which he used in the evenings to boil noodles. And each day, his boss’ wife would send him a packed lunch to brighten his day.

Years sped by and by the time Gavin was 30 he was assistant manager. By 35 he was co-owner of the small firm and once his boss retired, it would become his. Things were so much better than he could imagine. While he wasn’t the most popular guy around, he was respected and acknowledged as pretty damn decent at his job.

Sometimes he wondered whether he was a little bit of an outcast because he didn’t huddle over a mug of coffee each morning - not even a decaf one. Since his time in the hospital, he’d read up on what he could about how badly he’d fucked up. And he swore to never put his body through something like that again. Getting clean once had been difficult enough.

It was a little bit of a surprise when Chris and Tina invited him on a night out. While it wasn’t usually his scene, the temptation to go and have fun with two people who actually seemed to like him was too strong. One or two drinks wouldn’t hurt him.

The bar they were at wasn’t too crowded, the company was good and Gavin was staring at the last dredges of his second beer. Owing to the fact he didn’t often actually drink, he was a bit more than merry as he watched Tina toddle off towards the bar. When she came back, she was proudly brandishing a tray with six glasses on them.

“Jäger Bombs,” she declared and Gavin watched her drop the shot glass into the tumbler and down it.

Chris looked at Gavin and shrugged. They each reached for the glasses and mimicked Tina. The drink burned on the way down along with the sickly sweet fizzy drink that Gavin had assumed as apple juice. It was nice, but he doubted he’d choose to pay for such a drink again.

They sat around and laughed about work but something felt off. Gavin couldn’t stop the trembling of his hands, he felt wired and his heart beat wildly in his chest. The pounding headache echoed each thump and he needed fresh air. Something was wrong. He stood up as his vision swam, wanted to get Chris to help him get out, maybe get help. Gavin remembered reaching for Chris’ shoulder but nothing after that.

The sound of machines beeping was eerily familiar. Gavin tried to open his eyes but darkness greeted him. The smell of antiseptic and cheap detergent flooded his nose and his heart sank. Whatever had happened, he was in hospital again.

There was a noise to his left and he turned to look despite it being so dark.

“Relax,” an unfamiliar voice soothed him, “you’re at the hospital. A doctor will be by soon to talk to you.”

Sure enough, there was the sound of footsteps, someone sighing as they sat down.

“Sorry to pull you out of bed in the middle of the night,” Gavin tried to smile, “but you can turn the light on, I promise I’m not a gremlin.”

“Mister Reed, the time is 3:14 in the afternoon, currently you are blind due to pressure on your optic nerves and it may take as long as several months before you will be able to see again.”

What followed was worse than his first time in hospital. Thankfully this time round though there were people to visit him. Tina and Chris were first through his door, falling over each other to apologise, saying they didn’t realise he avoided caffeine for such reasons. Privately, Gavin thought that while he didn’t make a song and dance about it, the fact he avoided not just tea and coffee, but also chocolate and anything else that might have caffeine in it. But it wasn’t important now, the damage had already been done, and really it had started with his first hit of Red Ice.

Because of worries over his health and a need to monitor his wellbeing, Gavin was given a room at the hospital to live in for as long as it took to get better. He was grateful that his insurance covered it, that was one less thing to worry about. But being blind and in hospital was boring. If he listened to the TV or the radio, he was easily startled when a nurse touched his arm to get his attention. Without something to listen to, he was bored out of his mind and wished someone would visit him for even give minutes.

Sleep became his friend, it helped pass time quicker and stopped his mind from whirling round and round over nothing. He’d settled down for his second nap of the day when the sound of clacking claws drew his attention. It approached his open door and Gavin scrunched up his face as he tried to figure out what he was hearing.

“Knock knock,” a gruff voice announced himself.

“Who is it?” Gavin pushed to sit up.

“I’m Hank, and with me I have Sumo. We come once a week to visit people stuck in this dreary old place to cheer them up with a cuddle.”

“No offence but I don’t cuddle strangers. Especially not when I can’t even see.”

The laugh he got in return was good-natured at least.

“Sumo is a Saint Bernard. A huge, fat and fluffy monstrosity who would sell me if it meant even a single second more of cuddling. Stick your left hand out, lower, that’s it. He’s going to touch your palm with his nose and then probably lick it for good measure.”

True to his words, something cold and wet nudged Gavin’s palm before a warm, wet tongue ran over it. Before Gavin could say anything, the bed dipped and a fuzzy body snuggled against his side with happy panting. If he wasn’t mistaken, a tail thumped furiously against his leg.

Despite his misgivings, having the giant dog to cuddle did lighten Gavin’s mood. And even exchanging a few pleasantries with Hank was fun. It came to an abrupt end when there was another knock on Gavin’s door.

“Mr. Reed?” a tentative voice asked.

“Call me Gavin, whoever you are,” Gavin replied.

Next to him, Sumo let out a happy little huff and jumped off the bed to greet the newcomer.

“Hello Sumo, hello Hank.”

“Connor.” If Gavin wasn’t mistaken, Hank sounded flustered and he grinned at the soap opera-esque ideas forming in his mind.

It turned out that Connor was there to help with things like reading out letters, helping manage finances and the like. He was softly spoken, gentle and it irked Gavin somehow.

Over the course of the weeks, both Hank’s and Connor’s presence became something to look forward to. Especially when they overlapped because Hank would always fumble his words in such an endearing way that Gavin had started to root for them.

“Why don’t you ask Connor out?” Gavin asked him casually while Sumo licked his fingers.

“Have you seen him?” Hank asked.

“No,” Gavin was quick to reply and laughed. “Nor you. But given how your dog is large, overweight and scraggly, I would guess you’re much the same. Terrifying to meet at first but an utter pushover and a softie at heart.”

“Thanks,” came the gruff grumble.

“In all seriousness though, just pull up some courage. I think he likes you too.”

They sat in silence for a bit until a knock sounded on Gavin’s door.

“Gavin,” Connor said, except it didn’t quite sound like him. Even Sumo seemed hesitant to greet him.

Quickly, Hank left with a muttered goodbye and it was just Connor and Gavin left in the room.

“You okay?” Gavin asked, genuinely curious.

“I am optimal.”

That afternoon, reading through the correspondence was sharper, there were fewer moments when Connor stopped and he didn’t chat to Gavin like he usually would. All in all, it was terribly out of character. Still, Gavin appreciated the change, he liked Connor but he was usually too soft and cheery for his taste.

It went on like that, most of the time Connor was his usual self but some days, he went in a totally different person. On those days, even Hank seemed a little taken aback, though at least he’d finally managed to ask Connor out for a drink.

“How was your date?” Gavin asked when Connor announced himself coldly at his door.

There was a beat of silence before Connor replied.

“It was adequate.”

That wasn’t the response Gavin had been hoping for. Usually, even on a quieter day, he could get Connor to sing Hank’s praise and enthuse about the man and his dog.

“Holy shit,” he whistled as he realised something, “you’re not Connor.”

Silence stretched in the room and nobody moved.

“I’m afraid you’re rather mistaken,” Connor tried to explain.

“Cut the crap. Who are you and what have you done with Connor?” Gavin snapped and there was a sigh as someone sat in the visitor’s chair.

“Promise you won’t tell anyone else?”

“Hand on heart,” Gavin nodded wish a Cheshire grin.

“You may call me Nines, I am Connor’s twin.”

“No shit. You went full on Parent Trap, didn’t you?”

“I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean by that,” Nines replied. “Connor is very busy with his work, his night classes take their toll. But for the course, he needs to do some voluntary work too. On days he’s swamped, I take over and cover here at the hospital. Nobody knows and I’d appreciate it if it stayed that way.”

Gavin nodded and pretended to zip his lips shut before throwing away the key.

Now that the secret was out, it became easier to talk to them. Connor was still sweet and absolutely head over heels for Hank while Nines’ sharp wit and barbs had Gavin snickering delightedly. He wasn’t going to lie, even before he’d know about the double act Nines and Connor pulled, he’d enjoyed Nines’ company more than Connor’s. To the point he’d felt a little bad when Hank and Connor seemed to happily in love because part of him wanted the snarky side of Connor for himself.

“Does Hank know?” Gavin asked Connor one day.

“He has met Nines, yes,” the reply was brushed off as Connor returned to reading him something about pension plans from work.

The topic didn’t come up again but Gavin was content. His vision gradually lightened, soon shapes bobbed around that started to look humanoid. Part of him was elated that he was going to be getting out of hospital so soon, but he didn’t want to lose Nines. Or even Hank or Connor for that matter.

They cheered with him when he could finally look at their outlines rather than stare over their shoulder by accident. Hank clapped him on the shoulder while Connor waxed lyrical about how wonderful it was. Still, it was Nines’ “about fucking time” that had him the happiest.

It was only fitting that Gavin’s vision was coming back rapidly once it began to improve. In the week since he’d had Hank visit, colours had bled back into his life and people’s faces were becoming clearer each day.

A knock in his door sounded before it opened and a tall, imposing man strode through.

“Hello Gavin,” Nines’ voice was unmistakable.

“Holy shit you are gorgeous,” Gavin laughed. “Don’t get me wrong, you sound amazing but you look even better.”

Nines didn’t even blush at the compliment. Instead, he pulled the letters from Gavin’s bedside table and sat down with them.

“I guess you don’t need me to help with these anymore?”

Gavin ruefully shook his head. He didn’t expect Nines to look up at him with a smile and a terse “good”. A number was scribbled on an envelope and Nines spent the allocated hour insulting him while Gavin gave as good as he got.

It shouldn’t have been a surprise to bump into Hank just as he was preparing to leave the hospital. The man had Sumo in his harness, an ID tag dangled from it. What was even more surprising was that Connor was with him, holding onto his arm with a small smile.

Gavin wasn’t going to lie, he did do a double take, thinking it was Nines on Hank’s arm. But a second look and he snorted. How nobody else noticed that the two of them were switching places as it suited them, he’d never know. To him, they looked and sounded so different. After a quick exchange of pleasantries, Gavin strolled out of the building and smiled at the sunlight for the first time in a long while.

A figure pushed away from the bench next to the door and greeted him with a sharp smile before swooping down for a kiss. Though Gavin still wasn’t allowed to drive, Nines was more than happy to help him with that in an official boyfriend capacity.

[kurogabae]

Tsubasa: Trainwreck Chronicles

And Why Bee Train Has Failed Me Not Only as a Company, but as a Concept in General; an Essay by Popular Demand

part 1 -- part 2

In part 1 (linked above) I spoke about the anime adaptations of the opening/introductions of our main cast through Jade and our first filler. These were episodes 1-16. Out of 26 for the season and 52 for the series. I don’t feel like my time has been wasted with pointless, endless, literally 30+ second long shots of characters staring at each other or into the distance for no reason. No. Not at all. Those moments added a lot of needed and organic tension and suspense.

Really.

But Sakura gazing longingly at a giant fish aside, we’re going to get into what is probably my most hated canon arc of the anime - Outo. Now, I loved Outo in the manga, it was an amazing world and it really kick started a lot of character and plot developments in TRC, not to mention that it was just generally a lot of fun. It was the longest world thus far and it had had the most characters in it as well. Outo was great. It’s one of my favorite worlds, right along side Piffle and fanon!Yama. 

Bee Train did me dirty guys. Real dirty. 

Outo:

So the animation swings wildly in this arc from “yeah that’s not so bad” to “Fai is that your hair or a giant yellow spider eating your head?” - pretty par for the course as far as the anime goes. Mostly. But then we have the changes to plot, both for the sake of the Children(tm) and... Just Because? It’s also in Outo that we start really noticing that whoever was in charge of directing the music usage was really just throwing music at the animation and hoping something stuck. 

I’ll try to keep this linear but I make no promises.

We start off pretty normal - arrive, greeted by The Ladies, whisked off to City Hall. Fai gives them all their delightful Outo names while Syaoran looks on in a mild panic. They buy the cafe and get attacked - and here I have my First Issue.

For some reason, probably to make me hate them more than I already do, they change the events of the Oni attack just enough that Kurogane doesn’t grab Sakura out of the way of the ambush, iirc Fai grabs her. This might seem like nothing, but the anime has kept Kurogane and Sakura’s interactions to basically zero and if someone were to only watch the anime they would miss out on a lot of very small but meaningful moments between those two. Also, it’s important to me okay!

Morning comes and plot is still basically on track - Syaoran and Kurogane become oni hunters and Fai and Sakura open the cafe. 

Now, when the family gets their costume changes, things get a little odd and the music is to blame. Sakura wakes up and goes to greet the family, who are all wearing what they’ll be sporting for the rest of Outo. As her view pans (ba-dum tss) over each of them a weird smooth jazz sort of music starts to play. I don’t know what to call it, but the tone makes it feel vaguely sexual/romantic, or at least like that’s what the intent is. Now if this had happened over Syaoran alone it probably wouldn’t have been weird, but funny. It doesn’t just happen to Syaoran though, Kurogane gets the music too (Fai is the first she sees and the music only starts playing as Sakura begins to look away). It’s a really strange music choice for this moment.

When Sakura changes into her cafe maid outfit and the boys see her it isn’t just a Sakura and Syaoran moment, which would be fine. If they weren’t playing that music again. And also Kurogane hyuus. At Sakura.   ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ It was all very weird. I didn’t like it. Could have been just me.

Night one of oni hunting is here and so is another change that I don’t understand? Before when they added characters to the scene it was Sakura and I assumed it was them trying to give her more screen time, but Sakura is very much left out of this whole bit while Fai, who should be back at the cafe with her preparing to open up a business, is with Kurogane and Syaoran. Why? “I like to watch you at work, Kuro-sama.” (Which would have been simply amazing foreshadowing if we were ever going to so much as glance at Fai’s backstory in the anime, which we aren’t. Hell, at this point we don’t even know what it is because Celes hasn’t been published yet, so Bee Train is pulling this out of their ass. What a waste.)

Syaoran and Kurogane kill some oni, there’s very vague talk about Syaoran’s blind eye (they never outright say he’s blind in it, just that he “has trouble with it”), and we get to meet Yuzuriha and Kusanagi. Syaoran does not fawn over Inuki and I am once again personally insulted. It’s here that Kurogane learns about the names.

Fai manages to make it all the way back to the Cafe alive before Kurogane corners him. Also, even though Fai was gone all night with the puppies he still has a chocolate cake made and ready to serve to Yuzuriha and Kusanagi after they follow his and Kurogane’s immature murder trail home. Which is frankly bullshit. I know Sakura didn’t make that cake.

Syaoran and Kurogane don’t have to fight to prove their worth to the information seller, which is whatever I guess. Probably just trying to save time and budget, but that didn’t really help you now did it Bee Train?

Now, surprisingly, I actually liked the change they made to the bar scene/the fight before the bar. Fai and Kurogane don’t have their Moment in the bar, since this time they’ve missed Oruha and will have to come back. And instead of fighting on the way to the bar, the oni attack them on their way home. The song “Kaze no Machi he” plays over not only the KuroFai vs oni fight, but also sweet moments between Syaoran and Sakura in the cafe, effectively setting a very nice parallel between the two couples while still contrasting them. It’s a wonderful scene and it’s part of what makes me so extra mad at Bee Train for how they treated the whole series, because they clearly know how to do their jobs, they were just too lazy to give TRC the effort and care it deserved. 

It was a really great scene and I would suggest watching just that couple of minutes, even if you don’t watch anything else from the Bee Train anime, simply because of how well it’s put together. Was it all just a happy editing accident? Maybe, but it’s one that I love.

Of course, like all things I love, Seishirou soon shows up to ruin them. This time with bad special effects.

This is of course after a pretty much canon-compliant intro to Ryuu-ou and Souma, complete with Kurogane dropping his freshly injured boyfriend on the ground in shock. Followed by pouting that I will take as a personal apology.

It’s not enough to make up for the lack of drunken shenanigans. Not even close.

Syaoran’s learned that not all of life’s problems can be solved by kicking. Sometimes you need to stab them. He asks Kurogane to teach him, but unlike in the manga where this is a sweet, if somber, moment between just the pair of them, Fai is, again, on the scene where he shouldn’t be. He’s also acting rather bitchy and tells Syaoran that if Kurogane teaches him to use a sword he needs to be ready to kill with it. Now this new dialogue is fucked up on a couple of levels.

Firstly, this is the same night Kurogane just lectured Fai about valuing his own life and admitted to killing more people than he could count in order to protect what he considered important to him. I’m sure we’re meant to read this as a type of semi-protective warning on Fai’s part towards Syaoran, but it comes off as petty at best and out right cruel at worst, to both Syaoran and Kurogane. Syaoran because he’s thirteen and he just wants to help save the love of his life who he is convinced he’ll never get back. Kurogane because he’s having this thing that’s pretty central to him at this point in his life thrown in his face with venom and treated like a danger towards his own adopted son. 

Second, and big spoilers, if you’re watching this after Tokyo and Celes have been published (which at the time of the airing they were not) Fai telling Syaoran to “be prepared to kill” is fucked up. It’s clear in Tokyo that Fai has known for a while (we don’t find out how long exactly until Celes) that Syaoran is a clone. He also has known that Syaoran is a very real threat, basically a ticking time bomb. Fai would not be egging him on like this. 

So, the whole exchange is very drastically changed in tone by giving Fai a small handful of lines, and in my humble onion it isn’t for the better. 

Do you wanna know what is better though? The quality of these weapons compared to the everything else that’s been seen in Outo so far, and we don’t get better. The animation takes a noticeable dip from here on out. It’s especially noticeable because Bee Train has gotten into the habit of padding episodes with flashbacks and recaps of things we saw only a few episodes ago like they’re fucking Naruto and when you cut from one of the decently animated flashbacks to the current shitshow it’s really jarring.

Quality aside (for the moment) the puppies finally get their swords but before they had left, Sakura asks Syaoran about what he and Kurogane are planning to do during the day. It’s a fair question since they’re heading out early, but no oni can be hunted until night. For some reason he doesn’t tell her they’re going to get weapons? Or that he’s going to train with Kurogane? He just says “It’s nothing to worry about” and like... why? 

On several levels why. First we have the whole why have Sakura ask if Syaoran’s not even going to tell her anything - maybe to add tension, as if they didn’t have enough, maybe to add angst, as if they didn’t have enough. He’s got no reason to hide this. She knows he hunts oni, telling her he’s going to better arm himself would only be a good thing, hell if he really wanted to avoid saying that he was going to get a sword he could have said that he was going with Kurogane to get one since Kurogane’s broke the night before. Second, Syaoran not answering only makes Sakura feel bad and worry more and I’ve never been so frustrated in my life. Yes, Syaoran tries to keep things from hurting Sakura but in the manga he doesn’t treat her like spun glass.

And then Mokona just tells her anyway so honestly the entire exchange was 95% meaningless and I demand to know who made these choices so I can meet them in the pit!!

Really the purpose is probably to waste time and pad the episode, but there’s enough in Outo that they really shouldn’t need to do this? But hey, what do I know? I’ve only read this series 10 times and done I can’t tell you how many analysis essays on the characters and plot. Surely some hacks who probably only glanced over the material know better.

So now Kurogane is throwing rocks at Syaoran. Not a whole lot is different for a while - we throw rocks at Syaoran, we blindfold Syaoran, we leave Syaoran all on his own to wander the city, Ryuu-ou stops Syaoran from getting his ass kicked by oni that he’s too focused on puzzling out to dodge, they flirt, they flirt so much. 

Ryuu-ou takes Syaoran to see the Biggest and Prettiest cherry blossom tree in Outo, because Ryuu-ou goes big or not at all and he’s got a boy to woo. 

Meanwhile, Fai has gotten a piano for the cafe that he can’t play and Sakura can speak to musical instruments, kinda. After another TouYuki cameo where they don’t recognize Sakura, Fai leaves Sakura to look after the cafe for reasons I can’t recall but that are probably dumb. Oruha shows up and she and Sakura have a Magical Musical Moment where Oruha plays the deus ex baby grand and learns all about how Sakura can’t remember Syaoran and somehow sees all the memories that Sakura can’t see/doesn’t have and folks I could not tell you what this adds to the story other than more confusion to people new to the series and frustration to people who have read the manga.

Let me break it down - Sakura doesn’t have these memories. Yuuko literally took them away as payment, they no longer exist. If they try to exist Sakura goes through a soft reset as seen earlier in this arc. Oruha should not be able to access them, super special VR powers be damned. The memories aren’t there to access. 404: Childhood Friendship not found.

This is all without touching on the creep factor of someone casually rooting around in Sakura’s head without her knowledge or permission. Hasn’t she’s lost enough autonomy?

Magic Music Memory time over, Oruha leaves and we’re spoiled and shown that Outo is VR and not actually the world we think it is, ruining both a really neat reveal and the weight of Syaoran and Fai’s “deaths” later in the arc. Do you want suspense and angst or not Bee Train?!?!

After reading some notes I had on the anime I think Fai left Sakura alone to go drinking with Kurogane because it’s now that they have their Moment in the Clover bar and finally meet Oruha (who stopped at the Cat’s Eye, sang with Sakura and read her mind, and then popped back to Clover because fuck you). 

So. The dads are drinking and gathering info, the boys are flirting, and Sakura is doing what she did in Hanshin - where she enters zombie mode and autopilots towards her feather. Yuzuriha appears in the nick of time to stop Sakura from meeting Seishirou and for this I think she should receive a medal of some sort in all honesty. 

As the girlfriends make their way back to Cat’s Eye Seishirou summons a Giant Deku Baba (seriously, Nintendo should look into copyright) and attacks the boyfriends. Ryuu-ou has to, once again, pull Syaoran out of harm’s way as he stands there aghast at the sudden turn of events. Things get a little too close to becoming a very uncomfortable tentacle based hentai and everyone escapes with their lives and virtue intact.  

Syaoran tries to defend Seishirou’s honor because he thinks Seishirou has honor to defend, but no one is buying it. We also get a brief look at our resident Lava Lamp Dweller (who I might remind you all we never get answers about in ANY form in the anime) before we are swiftly moving along to another moment between Syaoran and Sakura where he’s pretty much lying to her face about things he doesn’t need to lie about and Sakura ought to chew him out. 

Why? Why Bee Train? This is so OOC. Rewrite this fanfic. 

It’s Tower of Terror time and Kurogane is Delighted about the 3% chance of survival he’s been handed. So far we’re back on track. Except we’re not.

Manga readers will remember looking back on this as one of our first Big Hints about Kurogane’s past - his hang ups about the demons leaving behind no bones or bodies of their past victims, implying that they’ve been eaten whole, and how that seemed to bother him. There’s the vaguest of hints that Kurogane still has a personal grudge with demons here in the anime, but it’s a lot less impactful and I don’t know how much meaning it would have to someone who didn’t have prior manga knowledge to fall back on. I feel like it falls a bit flat (especially once we see how Kurogane’s past has been sterilized for a younger audience).

Aside from that, the tower is more or less the same, bad hentai jokes and all. 

Things also go very similarly at the cafe - Sakura works herself up into a tizzy and passes out, Fai feels the first emotion outside of Guilt and Horny he’s felt in upwards of a century, and Mokona tells him that he’s fine and that no, that’s not heartburn it’s affection. 

Enter King Trashface. He’s holding the feather in some sort of weird space disco ball? Not the worst thing, just an odd choice? He and Fai exchange words (starting with Fai telling Seishirou to fuck off in the most polite way ever) - during which Fai’s animation makes it seem that the closer Fai gets to “death” the more his face distorts, which is terrible and hilarious. 

Before Fai gets turned into demon chow though, Seishirou calls him out on being Mr. Deathwish, especially since Fai is fighting without using magic that could very possibly save him. At this point Fai flashes back to his and Kurogane’s “how about we don’t die” talk earlier and Fai says that he might want to live after all. Which is like. Bullshit at this point in the journey. He doesn’t want to live, he really really doesn’t and the very fact that he’s not using his magic is proof positive of that (see: Le Court). Though also, even with a bum ankle he thinks he can take Seishirou until he pulls out the feather. At which point Fai basically tells Mokona to pay attention to how he dies so she can tell the others about it. Which is so... against what he just said?

This is well before we ever see even a manga version of Fai with anything resembling self preservation or a proper will to live, but we have enough of his character for the anime writers to know that this is a very big leap for him to be taking so soon. I feel like if they wanted to give him a hopeful outlook (which is what I think they were trying to do after coming off the scene with Sakura and Mokona) they could have had him seem more wishy-washy about it, or phrased it as a curiosity. “Something I didn’t expect has happened and I wanna see where it goes” is a much better way for him to have made the same statement. At least in my opinion.

Anyway, he dies and I find his death scene really funny because you just see his legs dangling slowly and it’s so... idk it might just be me but I couldn’t stop laughing. 

Now I am pretty sure Seishirou causes this but Outo starts glitching. Everything starts going full Matrix rainbows on us and all the NPCs vanish. Souma is worried about the game falling apart and Ryuu-ou and Yuzuriha are both worried about their potential love lives new friends.

Here we come to a few things I very much HATE that were changed. Once Fai is dead Sakura goes zombie again and starts to follow after her feather/Seishirou before the puppies get home, so only Mokona is there waiting. This means I have lost yet ANOTHER FATHER-DAUGHTER MOMENT!! It also means that when Syaoran runs after Seishirou and gets murderized she not only sees it happen but... dies? with? him? Because she hugs him while the game is transporting him out? I dunno. It’s bad and dumb and I hate it. 

So Kurogane thinks they’re ALL DEAD, which is great. It’s not like he isn’t already having a bad enough day. Not that you could tell by looking because the animation doesn’t have him emote at all. He looks basically bored as Mokona tells them that Fai is dead while Syaoran is a step away from a full on meltdown. @beetrain you do know that Kurogane has emotions other than anger and Fight Me(tm) right?

And now Seishirou is idk posturing? Bragging? He talks about how there’s no one left to oppose him now that the 13 year olds are dead, completely ignoring the pissed off ninja murder machine that has nothing left to lose that’s coming for his sorry ass. I don’t remember him being that cocky in the manga? Am I misremembering or did the anime somehow make Seishirou even more unlikable? Either way, Kurogane finds the slimeball and, to my extreme annoyance, only asks if he killed Fai and Syaoran - not Sakura - even though he believes all of them to be dead. The anime keeps doing this and I have ranted about it so much I’ll spare you the retyping. For now.

A quick list of minor things that happen that I dislike:

Fai’s coat and Sakura’s cloak both pull random appearing and disappearing acts between episodes

No one is even a little surprised when Syaoran’s sword sets itself on fire

The pacing could kill a man. Unfortunately Seishirou lives.

My soap opera isn’t real and this is

Seishirou knows Syaoran is a clone and drops hints about something we are never getting resolution to

Oruha, after allowing Seishirou to fuck off, just, you know, tells Sakura that she has missing memories of Syaoran

Memories that she somehow was able to access even though they no longer exist within Sakura

If Yuuko says no memories she means NO MEMORIES!!!

FWR watches the demon rampage across Edonis. He’s probably reminiscing. Like an asshole. 

Outo wraps up and is it the worst of the arcs? No. But am I bitter about the things that were done to it because it changed a lot of fundamental things about the characters and the plot? Yes. 

See you next time, where I’ll probably talk about more than one arc. Until then, have this.

[part 1] [part 2]

[bailesu]

July 4, 1776, 1863, and 2018

Warning:  I hate Trump with a burning atomic fury and what follows is a mixture of my family’s history, America’s history and me damning Trump to burn in Hell for eternity.  If you don’t want to read that, skip the read more and go on.  I totally understand.

This is the America’s day, for good and for ill, for America has been both a great country and a terrible one.  We sent men to the moon and set high ideals of equality and freedom... then failed to live up to them again and again.  I love my country, but sometimes it drives me crazy.  Its past is full of glory and horror, good deeds and terrible deeds, and above all greatness, but greatness can be wonderful or horrible.

On this day in 1776, the Continental Congress issued a document which declared American Independence.  But not just Independence.  It laid out the idea that all men are created equal by God, with inalienable rights of life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness.  This high ideal thus became one of the foundation stones of America.

It was written by a man who owned dozens of slaves and had children by one of them, who he continued to own.  Thomas Jefferson managed to embody both our highest ideals and our greatest depravities.  

One in four Americans were slaves in 1776.  Women could not vote and neither could White Men who lacked Property.  Child abuse was the normal way you raised your kids.  Threatening to murder your political rivals was basically normal.  One of our great leaders of the Revolution, Sam Adams, was basically a man who organized riots and lynching.  (Lynching of people who served Britain, rather than Blacks, but lynching is murder, whoever the victim.)

By any modern standard, America in 1776 was a terrible place, a land carved out by killing Native Americans directly to take their land and indirectly by disease.  (Mind you, every nation, including the ones we killed off, has a history of killing neighbors and taking their land; the nations without that history died.)  

But it was also the seedbed of modernity; it became a democracy, if not a very good one, and its ideals still ring across the ages and have provided leverage to every group trying to get fair treatment instead of stomping.  We helped inspire the French Revolution and the rise of Nationalism.  In 1945, when Vietnam declared Independence from France, the first lines of their declaration read:

All men are created equal; they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable Rights; among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness. This immortal statement was made in the Declaration of Independence of the United States of America in 1776. In a broader sense, this means: All the peoples on the earth are equal from birth, all the peoples have a right to live, to be happy and free.

America has always struggled with the tension between this high ideal and the deeds our country has done which are not high or noble.  We often fail, but on this day, we have to look again to this ideal and work to make it real.  

My own ancestors were all tangled up in this mess.  Three Quaker Brothers fled to America to escape persecution and the loss of their family’s lands due to the British Civil Wars, settling in Pennsylvania.  One of the brothers, Thomas, eventually went South to North Carolina.  He is my ancestor, and his family soon came to own slaves.  They were never top-tier slaveowners but they prospered.

If you are a White Southerner, your ancestors either owned slaves, supported the slave system without owning slaves, or both, unless they came South very recently.  We all have to deal with that legacy.  Many in the South don’t want to, but if this country is ever to heal the wounds inflicted by over 250 years of slavery, then we have to.

During the Revolution, Thomas’s son, also named Thomas, fought in the Revolution.  By killing Cherokees; they allied with the British to save their lands and they found out the hard way that Britain couldn’t help them.  On this day, 1776, he was sitting in a military camp, but soon they would return and drive the Cherokee out of part of North Carolina and all of South Carolina.  (Ironically, many years later, a member of the Richardson family would marry a Cherokee woman and their later descendant would marry one of Thomas’ descendants.)  He may eventually have fought the British, but we have no record of it.

Thomas’ grandson, William Alexander Christopher Biles, was born on the plantation.  His family made him go pick cotton with the slaves a lot but we don’t know why exactly; it would serve him well later when his family lost everything but we have to assume that he probably hated it at the time.  William’s father was too old to fight (In his 70s!) but William was not.  He fought in a North Carolina regiment and was shot and stabbed repeatedly, including having his skull cut open and a gut wound.  This happened during Pickett’s Charge, so he was left behind in Union hands; a doctor, his name lost, operated and saved his life after initial triage had said he wasn’t worth trying to save.  Whoever he was, he was a miracle worker, because somehow he saved WAC’s life, though he had a plate in his head for the rest of his life.  In fact, he *escaped* from the hospital and returned to duty until the final surrender at Appomatox!  We don’t know his motives for fighting, but it was probably a mixture of wanting to save slavery and loyalty to his state.  It would be nice if I could say he was anti-slavery, but he wasn’t even the Jeffersonian kind of anti-slavery, where you still own slaves, but you do limit slavery’s growth somewhat.  By 1860, your choices were basically either to say ‘SLAVERY IS AWESOME’ or flee to the North, that far South.  (In the border states, you could say ‘I hate black people, so I want to end slavery so I can get rid of them’.  This is not a huge moral step forward.)

His family’s estates unravelled; the Biles clan did not know how to get by without slaves.  He went west to Missouri and worked with his brother a while, then became a farmer; he was not good at either, but his cotton-picking skills enabled him to get by; I can only imagine he found it rather humiliating.  And as a slaveowner, he deserved humiliating.

To be White in America carries the shame of having ancestors who did terrible stuff.  Some of it was so accepted you can’t blame them too much but others *could* have done better and didn’t.  The essential problem of being descended of the winners is that they probably did terrible things to win.  (And the problem of being descended of those who lost is that your ancestors got thrown down the stairs and lost it all.)

I don’t feel guilt for my ancestors, but I do feel responsibility.  I cannot control what they did, but I do benefit from it and part of my response to that has to be to try and make a better America, to help overcome our worst impulses.  And I do that by teaching, so that those coming up will understand our past, why we did terrible things, and how we can do better.  (And how we did awesome things too, because the hardest part of history is that the same people can do wonders and horrors at once.)

Which brings us to the now.  I was describing 1920s and 30s fascism to my students and one said, “So, basically, Trump.”

And it’s certainly way too close.  I am lucky; as a White Man, I am automatically spared much of the worst of Trump and his idiot followers.  This country has always been tilted in my favor.  

Trump embodies pretty much all of America’s past sins, but also is basically the biggest drooling idiot who has ever sat in the White House, making even Harding look like a supergenius.  He knows how to work his audience, but he’s utterly incompetent at governing, to the extent you can call it governing.  He embodies sexism, racism, egomania, and cruelty.  He is a man who instinctively degrades and bullies everyone around him, who has cheated on all of his wives and abused his mistresses, a rapist, a thug, and a cheat.  He is a horrible human being in almost every possible way.  Many people who claim to be Christian flock to him because they have flushed Christ down the toilet long ago, but unfortunately, flushing Christ down the toilet has a long history in American religion.  

If there is a hell, Trump is going to roast in it and if there is not, we’ll have to make one just for him.  I want to see him fall like Lucifer from Heaven, if Lucifer fell into a mixture of broken glass, shards of metal, and lava.  But it’s important to remember, Trump is not some alien aberration; he incarnates real American flaws, mixed with his personal flaws of being a pig-ignorant, aggressively anti-thinking man-baby molester of women with vast wealth he has always abused to shield himself from consequences.  Racism, sexism, greed, and so on all have a long history in this country.  And his supporters voted for him with their eyes wide open.  We cannot expect any better from them.

America has a huge cancer and that cancer often has been driving the national bus, so to speak.  And getting rid of it is going to be a long fight.  But bringing change to this country is always a long, hard fight.

So on this Fourth of July, fuck Trump to hell, along with all his shitty supporters.  We have nearly two more years of this shithole before we can toss him on his ass.  (Impeachment takes 2/3rds in the Senate, so it’s not happening even if we take both houses, I fear).  May we sweep the Republican party, which has devolved from the people who ended slavery to a resting place for all of America’s sins, into the garbage pile in November and again in two years.  Growing up in America means I’ve watched the Republican party gradually mutate into a degenerate, feral hate society run by a mixture of greed, racism, and fake Christianity.  

Fuck the Republican party and all the morons who vote for it, whichever one of the Seven Deadly Sins drives them to spew hatred, abuse immigrants, rob the poor to make the rich richer, and to destroy all our alliances and trade relations.  They chose a feral animal as President, a molester and a bully, and I hope he destroys them all.

May they all eat shit and die.

[platonic-plots]

Don’t Tell Sam.

Request/Summary:  just once, you’d like to go out and have fun - like everybody else

Pairings: sister!winchester x sam, sister!winchester x dean

Words: a lot like 2145 ish

Warnings: tiny bit of swearing, mentions of underage drinking, bit of sexual harassment & bit of violence

Specific time/Important info: reader is a teenager, my entry for @winchesters-favorite-girl ‘s 31 days of halloween challenge - october 27, ‘sneaking out’

i’ve never really wrote anything like this before so it isn’t the greatest thing in the world but hey ho i tried

You had a strange relationship with Halloween. On one hand, it was a time to have fun and eat candy. On the other, it didn’t feel quite right to see people dress up as the monsters you knew weren’t quite as harmless as the people wearing the costumes. But you tried to think less about the latter, and more about eating all the chocolate you could get your hands on.

This year was no exception. Like always, a group of kids in your year at school were holding another halloween party for the entire grade. Like always, you wanted to go, and be with your friends who went every year, and eat too much sugar that’ll make you vomit, and listen to music that’s too loud, and pretend to be normal so you can just fit in. Like always. Dean didn’t have a problem with it. But like always, Sam refused to even consider letting you go. 

“Sammy, please. C’mon- I’ve got straight As at school, I never go against you, I always help do the research for a hunt. Do I not deserve this one night? I promise I won’t do anyth-”

“No.”

“But Sam, you say this every year. And every year I do what you ask, I just want this one time to h-”

“I said no.”

“Please, Samm-”

“Y/n. You can either stop this and go about your day, or you can carry on arguing and stay in your room for the rest of the day. The choice is yours.” He left the library mumbling something about ‘teenagers’ as you turned to your left, dragging a hand to rub the back of your neck. Sam wasn’t usually like this - in fact, it was only really in October when he got this way. Every year near Halloween, his research into local cases got ten times harder because of all the pranks and fake stories spread around towns. You couldn’t blame him for being a little more stressed out than usual.

“Enjoy the show, De?”

“Honestly, I had a great time.” Your brother smirked as you dragged yourself to the chair next to him. “You know, he’s just worried about you, Y/n/n. Neither of us want anything bad to happen to you.”

You looked at your brother. “No- I know, I get it. It’s just.. I mean, you of all people should get where I’m coming from.” You paused slightly. “Wait. You are on my side, aren’t you?”

“You already know I am.” You looked at him hopefully. “But you know he’ll never let me convince him to let you go tonight.”

You frowned slightly. “It was worth a shot,” you started to get out of your chair.

“However, you may or may not feel so sick that you have to stay alone in your room all night,” you looked at your brother like he had two heads, “and I may or may not take Sam out to pick up some food at 7:30, so there may or may not be 15 minutes tonight when nobody but you is in the bunker, and there may or may not be somebody stopping you from doing whatever you so wish to do.”

You looked at your big brother with weary yet thankful eyes.

“I’d have wanted to do the same thing at your age. And we both know I’m not necessarily the best role model for shit like this. Just stay safe, alright? No funny business with anyone, you hear? And, for the love of God, don’t drink any alcohol while you’re there.”

You raised your eyebrows at that last one.

“I’m serious - I know how rich that sounds coming from me. But please, Y/n.”

“You have my word.”

As you hurried out of the library, you shot an extremely grateful “Thank you!” at Dean. You didn’t have the time to stay - you had an outfit to figure out. Besides, you didn’t want to infect Dean with your sickness.

19:27

…

19:28

…

19:29

…

19:30

Each minute was slower than the one before it. What felt like hours had barely been seconds; it didn’t matter now, though. You were in your outfit (you ripped up an old shirt that Sam had given you so you could be a gore-less zombie), Sam and Dean were currently in the Impala, and your friend was on her way to pick you up. You were about to spend a night surrounded by your friends and dancing to your favourite songs. What could go wrong?

A lot. 

A lot could go wrong. As you stood down the street from the party, tears threatening to fall down your cheeks, you gripped tightly onto your brother’s shirt. Sam was right. Deep down, you knew he would’ve been since you first mentioned your plans for tonight. But you just wanted this one time to prove him wrong, to prove that you could be responsible, to prove to your friends that you were just like them. 

The party had been fine when you first got there. Yes, there was alcohol. No, you didn’t drink any of it. Although you wanted to fit in, you wanted to keep you promise more. You filled a red solo cup with diet coke and entered the room of sweaty teenagers and overpowering music. You and your friends found a fairly empty corner and danced with each other. For once, you were actually having fun. Were. Everything was going fine at first, but you couldn’t help the fact that all the underage drinking around you was making you feel quite uncomfortable. You obviously knew it’d happen, and it wasn’t the drinking itself that made you feel uneasy - it was how it made some people feel like their actions were okay.

Teenage boys + a seemingly bottomless cup? Not always the greatest combination. Some of them weren’t so bad - in fact, the group dunk guys in the middle of the room screaming the lyrics to Beyonce’s ‘Single Ladies’ only improved the night. What made it worse, however, was the boy (whose name you didn’t even know) who thought that it’d still be a good idea to grind on you after you politely, and then maybe not so politely, asked him to stop over and over and over again. You attempted to step around him to get to the bathroom. He didn’t like that.

He grabbed your chest. “Where do you think you’re going, babe?”

Your eyes grew wide and you shoved him off of you. Anger poured into your veins and you couldn’t help but feel vulnerable. He smirked. Without thinking twice, you brought your foot up to his shin and rushed past him. You should’ve listened to your brother.

Feeling like you were trapped in a labyrinth, you eagerly pushed past everyone. You needed to get out into the fresh air and away from whoever the boy was. When you got through the front door, you were met with a sparsely crowded front yard which left you slightly relieved. At least if he followed you, he couldn’t do anything. Although there were fewer people outside than in, anything he did would be a lot more obvious - he wouldn’t have the guts to do it.. right? 

Wrong. He stormed through the door almost straight after you and his face reflected something that was anything but happy. Fuck. He squared up to you, trying to make himself seem as intimidating as possible. It worked. You didn’t want them to, but your hands began to shake as soon as you looked the stranger in the eye. 

“Think you’re funny? Doing that in front of everyone?” His words slurred so badly that you struggled to piece together what he was saying. You opened your mouth to try and formulate a response, but the wind was knocked out of you before any noise could leave your lips. Pain simultaneously spread from your cheek and your gut and you doubled over. ‘All of this,’ you thought to yourself, ‘because I didn’t want to dance.’

He left almost instantly. Not because of guilt. Not because of shame. But because a friend had called him back inside because he was ‘missing out’.

You were disgusted. You wanted to cry, scream, shout at the people watching. You wanted to, but you didn’t. You couldn’t. They’d just say you were overreacting. So you left.

You walked as far as the street would take you, until you could no longer hear the music from the house. You reached in your pocket, pulled out your phone and dialed Dean’s number. When he picked up, you kept your voice as calm as possible whilst you told him the name of the road and the small store you were stood in front of. He asked what had happened - his big brother instincts instantly taking over - and he knew you were lying the second you opened you mouth. You were about to hang up. “J-just please, don’t tell Sam.” You pressed the red button.

The sight of Baby pulling up tipped you off the edge. The tears you’d tried so hard to keep back fell down your face. In seconds, Dean was out of the car and engulfing you in a hug. 

“I’m so sorry, De. I promise I-I didn’t drink, it wasn’t my fault.”

“Shh, sh, y/n/n. It’s okay.” He was silent for a moment. “I’m sorry.”

Your eyebrows furrowed.

“He heard the call.”

You turned your head to the Impala, and sitting in the passenger seat was no other than Sam Winchester. Your heart dropped further into your chest and more tears spilled from your eyes.

You got into the car, pulled your knees to your chest and refused to make eye contact with anyone. The silence surrounding you lasted until the end of the street.

“Tell us what happened.” The voice was emotionless. 

“Sammy,” Dean could clearly see that you were distressed. As much as he wanted to know what had happened and why you were in such a state, he was aware that right now probably wasn’t the best time to ask.

“What? She’s big enough to go against the one thing I asked of her, so she’s big enough to tell us why she’s upset.”

“Sam-”

“Dean.”

You glanced at the older brother and saw that his knuckles were turning white. “Sam, I get that you’re pissed. I know that I shouldn’t have encouraged her to go and I know that you’re angry. But shut the hell up. Y/n should have listened to you, but she didn’t and there’s nothing you can do to change that. Our sister is obviou-”

“He came over to me. I-I don’t even know his name, but he was drunk,” you interrupted their argument, “a-and he started touching me. I didn’t like it so I told him to stop. B-but he wouldn’t listen.”

The car was deadly silent. 

“I-I kicked him, hard. In the shin. And I ran away from him but he followed me and he, h-he was angry. He shouted at me and slapped me and punched me and” you couldn’t hold it together anymore. Voice cracks turned into sobs, tear drops became floods. By the time you’d finished talking, Dean was parking the car at the bunker. You chanced a look up at Sam, fully expecting him to be staring straight ahead. His eyes were locked on you, his mouth parted slightly. Your brother’s eyes were full of pity and sorrow, and still a little bit of anger.

“I’m so, so sorry Sammy.”

Dean lifted you up, kissed your head, and took you inside. He tried to take you to your room; you refused. You didn’t want to sleep yet - your mind was still racing. You asked if it was okay for you to stay in the library for a couple of hours, and he said yes. Before he put you down, he held onto you for a few moments. Despite not making a sound, you heard every word he wanted to say. 

You didn’t sit alone for very long. The other Winchester knew where you’d be and decided to sit next to you. You weren’t mad. You didn’t know what you felt, but you knew you weren’t upset with your brother. He’d just been trying to help you and you just assumed that you knew better. Your hand rested on the table silently, and his reached up to join it. You couldn’t help the way it flinched away, in something that was almost like fear. You could almost feel your brother’s heart crack next to you. You hated this. You hated the way you were too scared to talk. You hated the way you felt some sort of fear towards your brother. You hated the way you had become so weak in such little time.

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry, too.”

damn this is so rushed and i feel like i ruined it even more with the ending but i had no idea what else to put bc my other ending idea just felt even worse but y’know what we’re gonna roll with it, thank you so much to everyone who read this far & thank you to @winchesters-favorite-girl for letting me take part in your challenge :)

[sleepysailorghost]

Tracey Love Vol. 6? 6 sounds good. Answering questions from this post 

Edit: this is vol. 5. whoops.

1. Tracey Lee Love. It was chosen by her mother, Lauren, and it doesn’t really mean anything. Love is her married name, which she took from her husband, Nate. 

2. She attained the title of Sentinel, which she gained from her service to the Brotherhood. Her work title is Detective. 

3. She kind of tries not to think of her childhood. It wasn’t the worst, but it was certainly pretty lonely. One of her more positive memories would be her father pushing her and her sister on the swings. Bad would be waiting for her father to come home and realizing he never would. 

4. She’s estranged from her father, and her mother passed. 

5. Tracey had a sister named Luanne. They were close as children, but when Luanne became ill, they were separated. 

6. She was pretty good in school. She liked it, and finished high school. She couldn’t afford going to college, but she might have liked to. 

7. She didn’t have very many friends when she was a child. Her best friend was Luanne. 

8. Tracey had a pet rabbit as a child. As an adult, she and Nate had a dog, but it escaped before the war. She likes animals. 

9. She isn’t really liked by many animals, and counts herself lucky that Dogmeat likes her.

10. Tracey is a mother, and likes children. Children like her alright, and she brings them lots of toys that she finds. She’s had one son, Shaun, and may be open to having more in the future. As a mama, she isn’t really overly strict and is pretty doting, but she definitely lets Shaun know that there are rules.  

11. No real diet, likes Vim more than Nuka Cola. There isn’t really the resources 

12. Her favorite food is the Captain’s Feast. 

13. She hates radroach, and other bug meats. She’ll eat it, because there’s no sense wasting food, but she’ll hate it. 

14. She remembers the coffee she used to drink as a detective. What she wouldn’t do for a cup of that! When she and Nate first kissed, it tasted like coffee. 

15. Pretty good at cooking. She’s definitely trying to make things taste good even if she can’t. People around her think it’s decent enough. Danse certainly likes it better than when he cooks. Everyone likes her sweet rolls.

16. She collects a lot of things actually: bobbleheads, magazines, children’s toys, pillows, Brotherhood holotags. The bobbleheads go in the stand, and she reads the magazines. The toys go to children, and the holotags go in the box in the attic. 

17. Doesn’t really take photos of herself. But of Danse, Maccready, or Shaun? They’ve found themselves in photos. Nick too. Before the war, she took them more often. 

18. She likes almost any genre of book.

19.  Dislikes mysteries, because they never investigate as she would. 

20. She doesn’t hate musicals, but she doesn’t really get musicals. Still, they’re nice. Likes music though, will hum along most of the time, sing softly maybe. 

21. She doesn’t think she has a temper, and gets pretty surprised when she gets angry. It’s a dry, hot anger. Mostly, she’s pretty patient. 

22. Can’t imagine her cursing. She meets Maccready and understands “ah, a fellow parent!”

23. Can remember somethings very clearly, but others blur together. 

24. If she’s travelling by herself or with Nick, she’ll only sleep when she’s about to drop. If with someone else, she’s generally a little better and will sleep whenever they are tired or want to rest. She prefers sleeping during the day-the warmth makes it a little easier to sleep and it’s a little better to travel at night. If she’s at Homeplate or Covenant, she’ll sleep in her and Danse’s bed. (he had to fight her on this) No snoring, but talks in sleep. 

25. She finds slapstick funny, and she isn’t really funny herself. 

26. There’s smiling and humming, which is y’know hard to tell with the bandana and all. She’ll hide her hurt, but not so much her happiness. 

27. She tries not to let people around her in on her hurt. She’s never been good at explaining her feelings. It’s just this sudden loss of energy, of agency, limbs slack. 

28. She fears being experimented on, of being put under and not recognizing herself. She’ll get cagey, weirdly aggressive. She might flee and hide somewhere. If she can’t, she’ll attempt to stop whoever nearby, scratching and clawing. 

29. When she learns of other’s fears, she is very protective of them. If she thinks feral ghouls will be somewhere, she won’t bring Maccready. 

30. If she is with the Brotherhood, she’ll work out. Otherwise, it’s mainly just a little stretching and patrolling. 

31. She doesn’t really drink much. There are a few times she has wished to drink and forget. If a friend asked, she’d share a drink, and she always buys a Vim when at the Last Plank. Weepy, emotional drunk. Gets bad headaches when hungover, and is nice enough when others are hungover. 

32. There isn’t a lot of room for expression in the wastland. She’ll generally wear her uniform, or the Silver Shroud costume. Maybe her Atom Cats jacket if she’s somewhere safe. 

33. Comfy mostly. Maybe something lacey if there’s an occasion. 

34. mostly skin and bones. shallow muscles. she hates it. she hates her body. 

35. her guilty pleasure is cuddling in bed. she doesn’t feel like she deserves it. takes pleasure in modding weapons because it’s useful. 

36. She’s a pretty good shot. She wants to take up knitting but she thinks she’ll need more help. She has the kind of voice that’s good for singing to babies. 

37. Likes to read, and does so moderately fast. Likes reading poetry, and non-fiction. Picks up any sort of instructional manual she can find-it might be useful. 

38. She admires other’s strengths. Wishes she was better with big guns. 

39. She likes letters. 

40. Loves coffee, will eat candy and other sugary snacks. Gets sleepy easily though, but pushes through it.

41. She’s bisexual, and seems to be attracted to mainly synths. Like anytime post war she gets a crush, they turn out to be a synth. She really needs love and affirmation in a relationship. 

42. Her goal was to find her son, but that was not possible. At one point, she would have given up anything to do so. When she found him, she was left adrift, without any idea of how to cope. Nothing to live for. 

43. She isn’t religious. Hates the Children of Atom. Admires people who can still believe in religion in this world. 

44. She likes summer best, and she likes warm weather the best. She isn’t good in cold, but tries not to complain too much. 

45. MacCready sees her as one of his best friends, someone who he can never repay. Danse sees her as the love of his life. Maxson sees her as a loyal soldier, but not one he can trust to follow through on every order. She doesn’t really see herself like that. 

46. She doesn’t make a great first impression, but it is accurate. 

47. Mostly she’s just quiet, doesn’t want to mess things up, and doesn’t really enjoy it. She kind of enjoys formal wear-not that there’s really any times to wear them now. 

48. She would enjoy a casual party with her friends. 

49. Her most valued objects would be her wedding ring and Danse’s holotags. She doesn’t think of herself as too sentimental, but those go everywhere with her. 

50. Guns, obviously. A couple day’s worth of food, cans of water. Spare clothes. Ammo. Holotags. Wedding ring 

[trashandstimcaf]

1-45 for two couples, whatever two you want~

Why u do this to me

1. Who’s the one who’s reckless and always getting into trouble while the other gotta pull em out  For Malakhara and Quinn it’s definitely Mala not that she’ll ever admit to needing Quinn’s help and Quinn sure as shit isn’t going to point it out. Dani needs Selvavra to bail her out almost every hour on the hour because Dani is physically incapable of shutting tf up.

2. Who’s the one to send the other “I love my gf/bf” memes Mala and Quinn aren’t really into memes. Selvavra and Dani on the other hand are a pair of memeing fucks but Dani sends danker memes

3. Who’s the one who listens to a music genre the other doesn’t like and how does the other react Malakhara likes to play the sith equivalent of gregorian chanting for hours on end because she is dramatic Quinn has learned to put up with it. Selvavra enjoys punk rock (mostly from the 70s and early 80s) while Dani listens to nothing but nightcore and edm. Selvavra will use the force to shut off Dani’s music if it’s too loud and Dani will whine after an hour of listening to Selvavra’s tunes so it’s an eternal musical back and forth.

4. Which one spoils the other more and do they ever get competitive to show the other more love Quinn is definitely the one that gives in this relationship he bends over backwards for Mala. Mala may once in while show some basic affection if only to keep Quinn on his toes. Selvavra and Dani are in a damn arms race for shows of affection and at this point one of them is going to have to rearrange a galaxy into the others initials.

5. How many years did it take to get married or was it just not for them Quinn and Mala got married ridiculously fast knowing each other for a whole 6 months before tying the knot and it was a huge affair and Mala was an absolute bridezilla. Selvavra and Dani are just happy being each others girlfriends/partners in crime for life they’ve no need for formal ceremonies or paperwork.

6. What was their wedding like Imagine a three ring circus crashed into Broadway play and then add a fire works show and you will have and approximate of Quinn and Malakhara’s wedding.

7. Is their friends/family supportive Mala’s family would set themselves on fire before trying to get involved in her personal affairs so they really don’t care about the relationship. Selvavra’s crew didn’t start out liking Dani too much given that she was a bounty hunter trying to bring in their captain. However they have seen first hand how happy she makes Selvavra, so now they watch out for her and try to keep her in one piece, despite Dani’s bull headed devotion to getting neck deep in trouble.

8. How does one comfort the other when the other is in distress/having a panic attack/crying If Mala is having a breakdown Quinn retreats and finds people he can direct his wife’s rage at. Because Mala will feel rage about having feelings. So much Rage. Selvavra tends to just scoop Dani up and cuddle her until Dani is ready to face the world. Dani makes bat shit convoluted schemes to cheer up Selvavra that usually go south quickly but still cheer up Selvavra.

9. Which one dissociates Quinn

10. Which one stares at the other’s booty like “damn” and how does the other react when catching them Mala and Quinn both do this Mala delights in teasing Quinn. Quinn on the other hand tries not to blush from his ears to his toes. Selvavra and Dani both think the other has the best booty and typically verbalize that opinion often.

11. When they live together what kinda place do they live in? What does their home look like? Mala and Quinn move into her sprawling family estate they get a whole wing to themselves. Quinn makes sure everything is to Mala’s liking and keeps the household running smoothly. It’s large and ostentatious like Mala’s personality. Dani and Selvavra consider home wherever the other one is.

12. What do their dates look like Date night with Mala and Quinn can be anything from going to a high society party, to a dinner at one of Kaas City’s more upscale restaurants, to a quiet stroll in the family estate gardens, but they all end with Quinn tied up and begging. Dani and Selvavra can be found in dive bars, carnivals/festivals, or somewhere quiet far from civilization whispering their hopes and dreams while in each others arms.

13. How does each act when getting drunk Mala gets more aggressive in her affections which may lead to her sticking her hands right down Quinn’s pants regardless of the setting. Quinn is a much more subdued drunk perhaps giving Mala a bit more lip that he would otherwise. Dani is a super giggly and having the time of her life while leaning heavily on whoever is closest to her. Selvavra tends to just get sleepy.

14. Which one rolls over in the morning to wake up the other one just to give kiss them Mala likes to do this and then go right back to sleep and will deny doing it later. Dani does this because Selvavra makes such a grumpy face when she does.

15. Have they saved each other’s lives before Mala did in a way but really it was Amistra’s way of condemning Quinn to death by transferring him to Mala’s ship. She didn’t expect Mala to keep him around. Quinn has patched her up after family infighting does not go Mala’s way. Selvavra saving Dani’s life was the start of their relationship.

16. Does one have an interest the other think is weird but wants to listen to it regardless Selvavra has a fascination with the Je’daii and Dani will listen but most of the force stuff goes over her head.

17. Which one uses cropped hentai as reaction images Dani and everyone would really like her to stop but also know it’s better to let her have this before she finds a more horrifying way to communicate.

18. Does one of them kinkshame the other Mala doesn’t so much kinkshame as she does tease Quinn from time to time when he gets too comfortable for her liking.

19. Is one of them self conscious about their body? If so how does the other comfort them Nah

20. Say they were cuddling on the bed while listening to record player playing the background. Which song is playing? More of Mala’s gregorian chanting. For Dani and Selvavra something like Teenage Kicks by The Undertones 

 21. What is their song? Like the song that gives them overwhelming feelings? Music doesn’t move Mala like that she’s more likely to think of Quinn  and her feelings for him in a quiet moment when his duties bring him away from her side. Dani and Selvavra’s different music tastes mean they don’t have a song but they do fondly remember the tune the band was playing at the cantina that Dani first tried to capture Selvavra in.

22. What song do they listen to while going on a joyride Mala and Quinn don’t joy ride. Dani and Selvavra argue over what to listen to.

23. What kinda joyrides do they go on? Relaxing ones or wild ones? Mala/Quinn don’t go on joy rides. Dani and Selvavra go on the kinds that cause a lot of property damage and probs get them deathmarks.

24. Where would they vacation for a honeymoon Mala/Quinn- luxe and far from her family Dani/Selvavra- Rishi

25. Do people ever get annoyed of their pda Mala and Quinn aren’t super big into pda well Quinn isn’t Mala likes to cling to him to get a reaction out of him when he’s not paying her enough attention. Most people have the good sense to avoid them so they don’t really annoy people. Selvavra’s crew would like to grab caf from the mess hall with out seeing Dani and Selvavra being all lovely dovey but they suck it up.

26. Would they live in the city or the country Mala and Quinn have both city and country residences. Dani and Selvavra live mostly on their ship.

27. Which ones the red which ones the blue Mala is red Quinn is blue. Dani is(physically blue) red Selvavra is Blue

28. Are either of them mentally ill, if so how do they help one another cope They all have issues and don’t so much help as egg each other on.

29. Does one have a spot on them where they would melt when the other kisses them there Quinn likes neck kisses.

30. Do they dance together Yep

31. Do they sing together Nope

32. Which one is better at cooking than the other and makes most the dinners Mala grew up rich and spoiled Quinn enlisted in the military and got most of his food from the dining hall so neither one can cook particularly well but Quinn is less likely to set something on fire. Dani is better at it than Selvavra but makes a huge mess so she doesn't cook often.

34. Are they a reckless couple or safe Both are reckless but in wildly different ways.

35. What be they kinks and do they try each other’s kinks Mala and Quinn enjoy a D/s relationship with Mala as the dom and Quinn as sub. Dani likes bringing food into the bedroom but Selvavra put a limit to that after nearly burning her nipple with hot fudge.

36. What would their valentines gifts be to each other Mala is a fucking gift. Dani gets Selvavra something shiny that she probs stole. Selvavra gets Dani a new weapon or gear.

37. Do they get into fights often? If so what do they fight over and how do they make up? No for Mala/Quinn. Dani and Selvavra bicker a lot but rarely get into full arguments.

38. Which ones top, bottom, verse Mala top Quinn bottom Dani verse Selvavra top

39. What kinda sex they be having (gentle rough whatever) Mala/Quinn rough very rough it’s a wonder Quinn walks around as much as he does tbh. Dani and Selvavra mix it up.

40. Who would fight in honor for the other if someone would insult them Mala and Quinn would both do this. Say something punk prepared to get either eviscerated by lightsaber or shot in the knee caps and then enjoy a slow death when Quinn hands you over to Mala. Dani will fight anyone anytime Selvavra sees anyone not in her crew as not worth listening to.

41. Which one has a favorite movie that they have the other watch with them again and again I feel like Quinn would appreciate cinema.

42. How would one react if the other was to die Mala would be more upset than she’d like to admit and would go about carving out a nice big swath of destruction to work out those feelings. Quinn would mourn and probably not know what to do with himself aside from throw himself into his work. Selvavra would be broken mentally. Dani would be that woman you see at the bar year after year in the same stool drinking the same drink with a mean look in her eye.

43. Who dies first Quinn. Selvavra.

44. Do they want kids Yep Mala wants a whole litter and Quinn is fine with that. Dani and Selvavra have no interest in being parents.

45. How would they spend their last moments together Mala would hold Quinn’s hand and run her fingers over his knuckles reaching out in the force trying to pull him to her so they’ll be together even when their bodies no longer hold them. Selvavra and Dani hold each other and murmur all their little inside jokes going out laughing.

[sarahstevensau]

Top Digital Marketing Strategies For Electricians

Shoutout Digital – SEO Agency Top Digital Marketing Strategies For Electricians

Most of the Electrical Contractors out there built their business who’s been around for 10,20, and 30+ years have built their business based on high-quality services, word-of-mouth and referrals.

In this blog post, we are sharing some of the best ways to market your Electrical Contractor Company online.

Over the last 5-10 years, the competition has grown fierce, and the shift on how consumers interact with business has also changed dramatically. In today’s digital age, 97% of consumers go online to find the local business.

Electrical contractors who embraced the digital age have grown significantly. At the same time, the ones who are still stuck with the old ways of doing business just plateaued or worst they had to close the company due to the market saturation and fierce competition.

If you want your Electrical contracting business to grow in 2020, you need to start marketing yourself online and start implementing strategies on how you can dominate your competition.

Using digital marketing can help establish your business as the go-to electrical contractor in your area as well as generate more sales and leads predictably.

  1. You Need a Great Website

Your website is your central hub of all your digital marketing efforts, so it just makes sense that having a great looking and highly-optimised website is a must.

In 2020, just having a website is not going to cut it anymore. You need to have a great looking website with a user-friendly interface.

According to a recent study, 75% of people have judged a company’s credibility based on its website design and 48% say it’s the top factor in assessing a company’s credibility.

  Here’s an example of one of our website design. A great looking website with the primary goal of getting as many leads as possible while giving consumers and browsers an excellent user experience.

  2. Optimise Your Google My Business Listing

Google My Business is one of the most important aspects of online marketing, especially for Electrical Contractors who want to serve their local area.

A recent survey says that 70% of consumers who are searching for an Electrician in the local area ends up calling/booking the business in the local snack pack.

Here’s what a local snack pack look’s like for the search term Mandurah Electrician.

  If your business is not showing up in the local snack pack, then you are losing a lot of calls and potential customers.

Here are some Google My Business optimisation tips that you can implement today.

  Tip 1: Establish a consistent NAP ( Name, Address & Phone number )

You need to establish a consistent NAP across the internet, on your website, as well as on the major business listing websites like Yellowpages, Yelp, Truelocal and Whitepages.

Consistent Name – Pick the format for your business name & stick with it. We recommend using your trading name instead of the legal business name. For example XYZ Electrical instead of XYZ Electrical Pty Ltd

Consistent Address – if your business address comes with Suite’s and Units, make sure it matches everywhere.

Consistent Phone Number – You want to use the same number on each of these sites.

Tip 2: Get Reviews

Reviews are a key ranking factor within the map listings.

As a practice, you need to request reviews from your customers to get them. A strategy that we use takes a three-step approach:

Send an initial email to your clients asking them for a review

Keep an open ear for happy customers and ask if they are willing to write a review

Have a review us card printed and give it to your customers after every completed service

Tip 3: Build Out Your My Business Page

Fill your My Business page with quality content. Add all ten photos of your office, staff, company logo, fleet and equipment

Upload a video. This video doesn’t necessarily need to be high quality or professionally produced. Break out your mobile phone and take a few video shots. Record yourself ( Owner or Manager ) explaining who the company is, what you do, and what your unique selling proposition is.

Tip 4: Select The Right Categories

You have the option to choose up to 5 categories. It is essential to select the appropriate categories and add new custom categories, as needed.

  Tip 5: Increase Your Citations

All the things being equal, citations are a critical determining factor of ranking. Just like in SEO where in-bound links determine the ranking with local listings, citations determine the ranking. Whoever got the most quality citation wins.

Citations are listings across the web that contain your NAP with or without a link.

Add your business to business directories. 

Click here to find the most relevant local listing for your type of business.

  3. Invest On A Good Quality SEO ( Search Engine Optimisation )

  Now that you’ve decided to get a great looking website. You need to start optimising your on-page ( website ) and off-page ( other websites ), so search engines like Google & Bing will look at your site as the authority for certain topics or search terms.

Majority of Electricians out there haven’t invested anything to optimise their website, or worst they tried a $399 per month SEO service hoping that’s enough to start ranking on the first page fo Google.

Here are some of the primary key points that you need to take care of your on-page SEO.

Unique Title on Each Page

H1 Tag of your Main Keyword

Image Alt-tag with Main Keyword

URL Should contain page keyword

Anchor Text on each page and built into the footer

XML Sitemap should be created and submitted to Google Search Console

You also need to start creating more relevant pages for your website.

A typical home service business website has only 5 – 6 pages ( Home, About Us, Our Services, Reviews and Contact Us ) That does not create a lot of indexation or place holders on significant search engines. Most contractors provide a wide variety of services.

By building out a website and creating separate pages for each of those services ( Combined with city modifiers ), Your business can get listed on search engines for each of those different keyword combinations.

Here’s an example of how we would typically build a website for an Electrical company in Mandurah:

Home – About Us – Customer Reviews – Contact Us

Sub Pages for Each Service – Emergency Electrician, Residential Electrician, Commercial Electrician, and so on.

Most Electricians provide services in multiple suburbs or cities outside their primary suburb. To be found on the search engines for each of those suburbs, additional pages need to be created.

Sub Pages for Each Suburb They Service – Rockingham Electrician, Baldivis Electrician, Bunbury Electrician, Port Kennedy Electrician etc.

Remember:

Google Ranks Pages Not Websites

  So the more relevant pages you create, the higher your chances of showing up on the Google search results.

If you decided to hire a reputable SEO Agency, make sure the SEO company is only practicing white-hat strategies.

Black-hat strategies can give you a quick boost but eventually once Google finds out that Black-hat strategies are used on your website they can potentially wipe your online visibility.

White-hat strategies can take longer but a good SEO strategy takes time but it’s all worth it once you are on the top spot.

Don’t forget about your inbound links or backlinks.

Once the pages are built out and the On-page SEO is complete, the next step is getting inbound links.

Everything you have done to this point is laying the foundation or groundwork – you have the pages in order to even be in the running but it is the number of QUALITY inbound links to those pages that is going to determine your ranking in the Google search results.

So once the pages are built we are really just getting started. The only way to get your site to rank above your competition is by having more quality links to your site than your competitors.

There are number of things you can do to increase the number of inbound links to your site.

Association Links – Be sure that you have a link to your site from any industry associations that you belong to.

Directory Listings – Get your site listed on as many quality directory type listing as possible.

Create Interesting Content / Articles about your industry – This is probably the number 1 source of inbound links because you can write an article about your industry and push it to thousands of article directory sites, each containing a link back to a specific page on your site.

Here are some of the most important directories where you need to list your business.

Maps.Apple.com

Facebook.com

Bing.com

Foursquare.com

Tomtom.com

au.kompass.com

truelocal.com.au

yellowpages.com.au

infobel.com

yelp.com.au

spoke.com

communitywalk.com

factual.com

hotfrog.com.au

brownbook.net

au.showmelocal.com

cybo.com

startlocal.com.au

lacartes.com

2findlocal.com

dlook.com.au

localbd.com.au

You can add your company to most of these directory free of charge and that will service its purposes from a citation development perspective.

Visit click here to find the most important listing you need to be in for every industry.

When you are adding your company listing on the directories listed above make sure you enter a consistent NAP ( Name, Address, Phone Number)

If you build out your site for your services and sub-services , optimise the pages using SEO best practices and then systematically obtain inbound links to those pages and sub-pages, you will start to DOMINATE the search engines.

  4.Don’t Forget About Your Social Media

There is a lot of Buzz around Social Media ( Facebook, Twitter, Youtube ) but how can social media be leveraged by an Electrical Contractor Company? How can you actually use social media to grow your business?

It starts with understand that social media is the new word of mouth. The best way to use Social Media is to enhance the engagement / loyalty of your existing customers and by extension of that and social media platforms, you will grow your repeat business and word of mouth business.

Setup your social media profile

Facebook

Twitter

Youtube

Linkedin

Send an email blast to your existing email list letting them know that you want to connect with them on social media and that you now have social profiles. Offer them some incentive to follow you.

Discount off next purchase

Discount for their family and friends

Something of value for free

Add social media to your day-to-day business practices and systematically invite your customers to engage with you online.

Add links to your business cards, brochure, marketing materials and website

Be sure to invite all your customers to engage after service via follow up email

Post Valuable Content 

This may be the most important component of your Social media strategy. If you have thousands of fans and followers, but you don’t add value. you will have accomplished nothing.

You need to post relevant up-to-date tips and ideas, techniques, news and special promotions on a daily basis. Try to keep your 90% if your posts informational and 10% promotional.

Engage with Your Customers

You need to stay on top of your social media profiles and engage with your fans/ followers when they post or reply to your profiles.

If you want to start using Facebook ads to drive additional source of traffic but you don’t want to drop thousands of dollars on a Facebook ad campaign.

Here are some of the tips to get the most out of your Facebook advertising dollars.

  Post with Intent

these days simply posting things on your facebook page and hoping someone sees them no longer works. You need to have a goal and decide what you are looking to accomplish with that post.

Best way to do this is to look at your Facebook insights to understand what posts are getting more interaction with your audience.

Here’s a detailed infographic to guide you on how to use the Facebook Insights tool.

  Use a content calendar

We’re all busy. And when we’re busy without a plan in place for the tasks we have to get done, things inevitably slip through the cracks. Social media content is no exception.

Just like with blogging, a successful social media strategy requires regular publishing and engaging with followers to see positive results — whether that be in terms of SEO, brand recognition, lead generation, or all three.

Here are some of the most popular Content Calendar tools that you can check out.

  Trello

Trello is another organisational tool that’s highly effective for team collaboration. More specifically, social media managers can use Trello’s flexible assignment “cards” and customizable “boards” and “lists” to map out to-do lists, manage a content calendar, plan a campaign, and house ideas from a brainstorm.

  Excel Spreadsheet or Google Sheets

Marketers might already use Excel for different types of reports and data analysis in their roles, but it’s a highly useful tool for social media content calendar organisation, too. Excel can be customised according to whatever priorities or metrics a team is focused on, so it’s an excellent tool for planning.

Evernote

Evernote is a note-taking app that marketers can use to keep track of all the moving parts that comprise a social media campaign.

The tool also features yearly, monthly, weekly, and hourly logs, which make it easy to keep track of when you’re publishing content on social media when you’re producing blog content, and other team-wide priorities. (Evernote offers customizable templates for each of these that can be downloaded into the app.)

  Optimise your Facebook Business Page

When creating your Business Facebook page, think of it as your own website. You can set up different tabs that work as a navigational menu of your page. Hence, it’s essential that you organise them so your customers can find the information they need quickly.

Very simple things like adding review tabs are often overlooked but can make or break the user’s experience.

  Create your own group/community

By creating your own community inside your Facebook page, you can get more organic reach than your regular business page.

You can easily communicate with your audience without spending anything to boost your posts.

Here’s how to add a group to your Facebook page.

Posts On Your Facebook Story

Facebook story tend to have a casual feel and users tend to engage more on content and posts like this. Some of the most successful facebook stories we’ve seen are Behind the scenes and business updates.

We have also seen an increase in the popularity of live feeds where you can interact with your audience and fans directly.

  Boosts Your Posts

There’s no denying that Facebook business page organic reach has dropped significantly. So if you are having a big sale or a promotion, it’s worth it too boosts your facebook posts so all of your Facebook fans can see the offer.

Try using different types of content, messaging, images and posting times to see what can help you get the most out of your marketing budget.

One of the most powerful aspects of using facebook posts is you can custom tailor the audience by location, age, and so on.

Here’s a step by step guide how to boosts your posts on facebook.

Boosts Posts and Facebook Ads Combo

By creating multiple ads and boosting the ads with a budget of roughly $30 to $50 to drive engagement to your ad. This will also tell you which ads are getting more engagements such as likes, comments and shares.

Once you have generated significant engagement, you can use that exact same boosted posts as your primary conversion ads.

Ads with likes, comments and shares generally convert better than an ad without any engagement.

  Create Your Custom Audience

One of the most effective ways to get the most out of your marketing budget is to retarget users who already engaged with your brand or business.

You can create hundreds of different custom audiences and run various tests.

Our tip is to run video ads to an audience who never heard about your business. For example, if you are an electrician, you can create a video talking about “10 electricity safety at home”.

After a few days, you can then send another ad to people who watched your video ad offering a discount on home electrical health check,

By using the method, you are only sending your offers to people who are interested in your service or product getting the most out of your marketing budget.

  Use different bidding strategies

One of the most important ways to create a successful facebook marketing campaign is to test different bidding strategies.

For example, you can create multiple ad sets with an exact same copy but with different bidding strategies, let it run for a couple of weeks and then turn off the underperforming ad sets.

Facebook uses data to find the best customers accurately and if you only started advertising, recently, Facebook won’t have enough data on your business account. Facebook typically need 15 to 25 conversions per week to find the best audience so if you don’ have 25 purchases then it’s best to set the conversion event that’s closer to the top of your sales funnel.

  Capitalise on link retargeting.

If you’re using Facebook retargeting ads to boost conversions and attract visitors to your website, you should use link retargeting. This allows you to build your retargeting lists and reach the audience who haven’t visited your website before.

“Basically link retargeting allows you to add Facebook retargeting pixels to your short link when sharing curated content. Anyone who clicks on this content can be retargeted with relevant ads, So you can retarget people who’ve clicked on media coverage, reviews or industry news related to your business, even if the link led to a third-party website.”

To read our full Facebook Ads Guide On Budget for 2020 click here

  5. Generate More Reviews

Word-of-mouth or referral are still considered some of the best leads that you will get. But you might have noticed over the last few years that the number of referral leads is going down.

One of the main reason for this is because of online referral platforms such as Google, Yelp, Trustpilot and other review platforms.

First Impressions matter, especially in the business world. With the internet at our fingertips, consumers can easily do a quick search about your business and find the information they need. Customer reviews are one of the first things they look for when they decided to do business with you.

With as much as 88% of consumers relying on customer reviews, you want to make sure that the first thing they see are positive, glowing recommendations. Otherwise, it can ruin your business.

Here are some of the reasons why you need a Review Strategy for 2020!

Online Reputation

  With the Internet’s help, Word-of-mouth spreads like a wildfire. The good news about your business travels fast while bad news travels faster. If you receive a single negative review recent report says that review will cost you about 20% of your potential customers. With other statistics saying the numbers can jump to as high as 59%! Do not underestimate the power of a negative review. It can make or break your business.

  Customers are more likely to write about negative experiences than positive ones online. They won’t hesitate telling everybody how unhappy they are with the service they received. Whether in Social Media, Telling their friends and Family, Online Review Sites such as Yelp, Trustadvisor and worst on your Website or Google My Business listing.

  To gain the trust of potential customers, you need to prove to them that you’re a professional. One way to do this is to encourage all of your happy customers to leave a 5 Star review on your business listings. There is no one better to tell your success stories than your satisfied customers.

  Boost your SEO rankings

  One of the most effective ways to improve your online Local visibility is to list your business on online review sites like Yelp, Yellowpages, Trustadvisor, and Google My Business.

  Google is the most used search engine on the Internet. Google’s goal is to provide the best possible result you a query. The reason behind this is the more accurate the information they provide, the more likely you will use Google again to find answers. Since they know how important online reviews are for the majority of the customers, they tend to pay attention to these online review websites. Online reviews are one of the key factors that influence local search rankings. The diversity of review sites, Your rankings, The speed at which reviews are generated, and the total number of reviews your company has – all of these factors play a major role in whether your business appears on the local search results.

  There are plenty of review websites online and because of this, it can be quite difficult to choose where to have your business listed. But one of the most important ones is Google My Business. since the most turn to Google for online research, that means a larger audience will see your Business profile.

  Google My Business focuses on Local search results to help local businesses reach their target audience. 90% of consumers today will Google your business before doing any business with you. They want to know more about your business, and Google My Business can provide some quick answers.  It provides information such as contact number, address, and opening hours.

  Influence buying decision

  Buying something online is one of the most popular ways to make purchases today. Consumers flock the internet to buy items and inquire about a service.

  Most people start their buyers’ journey buying looking up the product online. Buyer’s today are smart. They don’t just buy anything from anybody. They’d go from one site to another to compare prices and reviews. They take time to read online reviews before making a purchase.

  Online reviews play such a crucial role and are relied upon by a lot of people. According to a survey that was conducted by Brightlocal 90% of consumers read online reviews. 88% of them trust online reviews as much as a recommendation from a family member or a friend. Reports also mentioned that typical consumers read around 6 reviews before they form an opinion about a business. Do not hesitate to show off your best reviews on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Blog or even your website.

  Get found Online

  The majority of consumers tend to start their buyer’s journey online since it’s easier and more convenient. They go online not just to find who’s the cheapest or who’s offering the best deals, but to research about the products or services they need. They already know what they want. Right now, they are in the process of selecting a business that can cater to their needs. This is where online reviews come in.

  Reviews are usually the first thing they look for when they want to buy something online. As a potential customer, they want to know the opinion of previous customers. What do they think of the product? or the service? Is it worth their money? These are the things they want to find before buying or using your service.

  Reviews are an absolute essential for businesses. Consumers may not be familiar with your company, but they are likely to come across your business during the shopping process if you have some customer reviews. The more reviews you have, the more reliable and trustworthy you’ll be in the eyes of potential clients. not only will it make the decision process easier, but it also helps you generate more leads.

  Drive Sales to your Business

  If you’ve ever bought anything online, you have probably read online reviews. You are not alone. As mentioned above, a huge majority of consumers read online reviews. Why? It’s because people want an assurance that the product they are planning on buying is of good quality.

  When considering buying a camera or a smartphone, they often consult the reviews to check if previous customers are satisfied with the purchase. Another reason is to determine the quality of a local business.

  A huge percentage of buyers take time to read product reviews before making any online purchase. They are more likely to get that camera if they find ratings with an average score of 4 on the particular model they are eyeing on. 5-star reviews may provide the extra push they need. They just need reassurance and confirmation that they are getting the right product.

  Having no reviews is as good as having negative reviews. Since many of them rely on product reviews, some people may see the lack of reviews as a red flag. It leaves your reputation in a vulnerable state. People may not even consider buying your products without them. Think about how many potential customers end up buying from your competitors because they can’t seem to find any reviews.

  6. Hire A Digital Marketing Agency

You might think that we are biased here, but truly believe the right digital agency can make a huge improvement when measuring the return on marketing investment made in digital.

You’re able to tap into the skills, experience, and perspectives of a collection of digital professionals all passionate in delivering on your marketing objectives.

You will have access to all the skills that you need

Building an in-house team to take care of the entirety of your digital marketing efforts is a practical impossibility for many businesses.  The skills your company needs are either hard to come by or too expensive. What’s more, it won’t be financially feasible to hire someone for a full or even part-time placement if you don’t need their skills constantly and consistently.

The campaigns that you run will change at different times of the year – for example, branding and SEO at the start of the year, and focus more on social media and paid advertising towards the end of the year to gain that quick boost of leads and sales.

A digital marketing agency will retain employees in a range of different roles and can apply the right mix of skills to meet your campaign objectives. This happens seamlessly for you, with the knowledge they have built up about your brand objectives shared throughout your campaign team.

Manage your budget more effectively

Outsourced digital agencies are typically responsible for the marketing spend that your company places with Google, Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

Tracking this spends across multiple platforms and campaigns is difficult and time-consuming. Add to that the requirement to track conversions, carry out optimization and direct budget to the most effective campaigns, and you have a complex set of reporting and management requirements.

Digital agencies are experts in effectively managing your digital marketing budget, having developed tools and processes over 100s of clients to make the process more efficient. By working with an agency, you benefit from their internal controls and procedures. You set the budget and expectations, they handle the rest.

Give your business space to grow

Scalability is a key advantage of outsourcing.  As your business grows (whether that is through more physical locations, more electricians , more vans or just to help you handle the influx of leads or sales), your operations need to change to react. 

A digital agency can respond to the changing needs of your business and likely has experience dealing with the issues that you are trying to resolve. Once again, they can apply the expertise, insights and software solutions developed with other customers to help you through the growth stage of your business.

Need Help Leveling Up Your Electrician Marketing Strategy in 2020? We Got You.

At Shoutout Digital, we have been helping home service business like yourself generate more leads and sales by implementing a solid digital marketing strategy. Whether you are a new business or someone who’s been in the Electrical Industry for the 50 years, we’re here to help.

Speak to a Marketing Expert

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[lookingfor-rebecca]

My first Ouija experience 😱

So,today we had friends giving and I was showing off my new tarot cards and doing some of the readings when my friend mentioned that she had a Ouija board. I was super excited because I had never done one before and always wanted to try it.

We set up in her kitchen with candles, sage, and her board. We prayed over the board and turned off the lights. We set there for probably 30 minutes and nothing happened. But, we had friends in the very next room watching tv and laughing. So, we went upstairs to her room to see if being in the quiet would help. We went upstairs, relit our candles and welcomed whoever wanted to talk to us.

We ended up talking to 4 spirits in two different sessions.

First session:

We ask if anyone is there with us- yes.

We ask if we could know their name to better speak with them- “E” (at this point my friend gets wide eyed and said that’s the first letter of her dad that passed away)

I then ask if they have anything they’d like to tell us- yes.

I tell it to go ahead whenever it’s ready. It starts going on the board and spells out “SOME WEEK”

I asked was something going to happen this week- yes.

I said what was going to happen this week? As soon as I ask this the panchellete starts moving from corner to corner, it gets to the second corner and I look at my friend shake my head and I politely say thank you for talking with us but I believe we are done and I pull the panchellete to goodbye. I immediately flip the board over, sage the board and sage me and my friend.

After that we decided to give it a second shot:

We ask if anyone is there with us, nothing happens. I ask it two more times and then it slowly moves to yes.

I welcome them with us and I ask if it would like to spell tell us their name. It spells out ALE

I said ALE, what an interesting name it must be older. It said yes.

I said how long have you been gone- 81 (81, 18, 9?)

I then asked it if it was there to talk to me- no, was it there to talk to my friend- no. I then said then do you have something to tell us- yes. I said okay, well whenever you’re ready please go ahead and tell us.

Ale then spells out KICKD, I ask did you get kicked-no. And before I can ask anything else Ale spells out NURSE. Me and my friend both bust out laughing and ask if this was Ale’s way of showing us that they were a friendly spirit- yes. I then ask Ale if there were other spirits with him- yes. Can we speak to them- yes. I wait a second and ask if the new spirit was with us- yes.

I ask who they are and it spells out JANICE (this is my passed grandmothers name-which my friend does not know). I instantly start crying (I know I shouldn’t have). I say we just had a spirit that wasn’t so nice, how do we know you’re nice. She then spells out LOVE. I ask her if she has anything she’d like to tell us- yes. She then begins spelling and she is having the hardest time spelling this out, she’ll get three letters in it doesn’t make any sense and then she starts over “EVEN IF IKMZ”.. “EVEEVEEVEN” “EVEN IFFOOORR” but finally she gets it “EVEN IF I FORGET I STILL WONT BEHAVE”.. I say that out loud and it goes straight to yes. [now keep in mind, the whole time if I take my hands off the panchellete it stops in mid move, it was clearly very connected to me].. I giggle because she always said she hated behaving and even on her death bed she said she wasn’t going to behave in heaven. She also had Alzheimer’s and was very very forgetful and got to where any conversation with her was the same three things over and over and over again. Before I can say anything she spells out PETER (my dads name/her son). I ask if she wants me to tell Peter something- yes. I ask her what(just like the first time it takes her a lot of tries, and lots of mispellings) but finally she gets out “BE HAPPY.. IM HAPPY AKA GOOD”. I say I will tell him that and it moves to yes. When I stop talking to her to think for a moment it just keeps spinning on yes. Once again before I can ask it a question she spells out MOM. I ask if she wants me to tell mom something.. it very quickly goes to no. I laugh cause she was never a fan of my mom. It goes from no and spells out MNM. I say it over and over again trying to figure out what it means until it spells out RED (every New Year’s Eve when the ball dropped she would give me one m&m. She had the same bag for 10 years).. I ask if she’s the only spirit here- no. I ask if we can talk to the other spirit- no. Does the other spirit want to talk- yes. Are you being mean and not sharing- yes. Can we talk to the other spirit-no. Please let us talk to the other spirit- yes. I say for what it’s worth, if it’s really you I miss you- she spells out I NO. And then it moved back to yes.

I wait for a second and ask if the second spirit is here with us- yes. I ask if it knew Janice before this moment- no. Did you meet wherever you are- no. Did we bring you both here together- yes.

I ask the spirit their name- it spells out EDDIE. I welcome Eddie and thank him for talking to us. I ask him if there’s something he’d like to say. He spells out “I LOVE YOU” and then spells out “SORRY”. I tell him that it’s okay, and thank him for talking to us so clearly. I ask him if there’s anything else he’d like to say to us- yes and then immediately starts spelling it spells out “MAKE LORI DIE”. As soon as it finishes the E I thank him for talking to us and I say goodbye and move the panchellete to goodbye. I flip the board, sage the board, and we turn back on the lights and blow out all of the candles.

All in all it was quite the interesting experience. I think I’d do it again around the right people and with the proper protections. I am still not certain if one of us was moving or guiding the panchellete but I really don’t feel like I did and the things that Janice said to me my friend would have absolutely no idea of. My only hesitation is wondering if I subconsciously guided it. All I know is I can’t stop thinking about it and can’t stop replaying the whole thing over and over.

[seeking-sunshine-sea-happiness]

11 ways to be a slightly better human

We are in a time where we all need a list. 7 reasons why your zodiac sign is the worst, 20 reasons why you suck at life, 13 ways to declutter your mess of a brain etc. We need these lists to have something to relate to, something to validate we aren't alone in this gigantic massive negative crumbling world. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. We all need answers to these problems we have within us. These problems we feel we need to protect, so we bottle them up and never share them. WHY? Because God forbid we share our worries or we might be judged or even worse (GASP) embarrassed that we are a disgusting human, walking around with our gross stinky feelings/emotions/thoughts. EW  But really I need these lists too, because you see even as a nearing 30 year old (I know I am nearing grandmahood, grow up.) I still don't always have my crap together. In fact I don't know if I ever will and yeah thats certainly the most terriiying but also completely liberating thing. So here is my list on how to be a better human, how to open up, how to manage your time, how to communicate better, how to admit your'e wrong, and how to procrastinate efficiently. Basically this is my life on how to live each moment as your most authentic, mistake making, human living, open hearted self.

1. BE KIND.

We say it all the time. We share quotes about it. Man even Cinderella is on board with it, and Cinderella is amazing. Like seriously guys, genuinely smile at everyone you see, hold the door (ladies can do it too), acknowledge the homeless (wo)man on the corner even if you can't spare some change. Leave a note for a friend/coworker to brighten their day. Call your grandparents if you still can. Change someone's day with a simple act of just treating every single person how you want to treated. Not only does it require the smallest amount of effort, you might actually find that negative closed off armour melt away a little bit.  

2. WORK HARD  

Let's face it. NO one is going to do the work for us as much as we'd love that. Getting somewhere in life requires ultimate effort. Not just the bare minimum, but above and beyond, blood, sweat, and tears kind of effort. Believe me, its exhausting. But the pay off is worth it. If you're like me in the freelance/artist world, finding work can be a full time job. But when you get to work for yourself, all of that hard work is the ultimate reward, even if it doesn't always feel like it.  Just put in some elbow grease and dont stop.

3. PRACTICE PATIENCE.  

Success, love, finding yourself, money, etc. What do all of those things have in common? They require time to acquire and grow.  We work hard and search endlessly to figure out how we can get these things but we never take the time to allow everything to play out how they should. Put in the effort in life necessary to grow our assets and let it all just happen. Stop for a moment each day and breathe. Reflect. Meditate. Slow down just a little bit and enjoy each moment for what its worth, instead of rushing to get to the finish line.  Unless you have a deadline, then do that fast.

4. LET IT GO

There I said it. Let it go. LET IT GO. What exactly is the "IT"?  It doesn't matter. Its the past. It is unchangeable. It is absolutely most certainly not going to define you unless you let it. You had a horrific breakup. You lost all your money gambling on a boat. You cheated on your spouse. You hurt someone's feelings. You didn't get the 1,000 auditions you went to. Your credit sucks. You failed the spelling bee? All these things are things we don't want to experience or shouldn't have done. But guess what? They happened and Y O U have the ability to pick yourself up, move on, and make the changes to get out of that funk. Do it. You'll feel amazing.

5. COMMUNICATION IS KING

Use your words. Sing them. Scream them. Write them down. But most importantly, get those words out in to the world. We all spend so much time complaining on the internet, or to our friends/family/whoever will listen about the most trivial stuff. Instead we should be talking to the people it pertains to. You don't like something your husband did? You were unfairly treated at work? You feel you're being taken advantage of? You didn't get paid what you were promised? Say something. If you do nothing. If you say nothing. Nothing will ever ever ever ever change. Communucating with one another can seriously change the world.

6. SHARE YOUR SUCCESSES (with no expectations of return)

Many many moons ago when I first started modeling, I didn't have any one to guide me. I didn't have a single person to tell me if something was a scam, or that I shouldn't pay for this or that, don't cut your hair, learn how to dress, what is in a model bag? The internet wasn't really a tool at the time. We barely used emails for bookings. Anyways. It's been my vow and I've felt my duty to mentor/guide/pass on the torch to others when I can. Sharing is literally one of the best things we can do for ourselves and others. Not only does it make you feel good to help someone else out, you are also giving someone else a chance to have a great experience.

What do I mean by sharing your successes?

Example: I can't make a particulr modeling job on Sunday (true story) so I reached out to my network of models and passed on the amazing opportunity to someone else.

Moral of the story. Stop being so competitve and afraid that another model (person) might take your client. If you are good at what you do, people will always remember you. They will remember your hard work, your kindness, your ability to share, and eventually maybe just maybe you'll refer enough people they'll start paying you for it? (Hey its happened to me a few times)

7. DROP YOUR EGO (sort of)

Okay. EGO isn't all bad. We all need to believe in ourselves fully. So.....don't drop your ego completely. DO allow yourself to be more open. I believe that many opportunities are missed because we think we are "too good" for something.  We all want to hold ourselves very high, because we think we are better than something. We think because we made this much money doing this job that we should always continue to make that much and never less, or we've worked this job so we can't be seen doing something we consider beneath it. STOP THAT RIGHT NOW. Yes. We do need to have standards. We do need to demand that we get paid what we are worth. We do have to make sure we are not being taken advantage of. BUT what I have learned is that you can never judge an opportunity because you never know what it might turn into.

8. STOP COMPARING YOURSELF

Nobody is perfect, I repeat, NO LIVING HUMAN IS PERFECT. Although we are all pretty guilty of this on the daily reg. BUT just stop it. We are our worst critics, but it isn't our place to judge others or compare ourselves to others. Look within yourself, if you do not like what you see, change it. But stop tearing yourself down trying to be someone else. Your successes, your path, your journey, your life. That is all you. You will never anyone other than you, so embrace that fully.  Be you and be proud.

9. BE PRESENT

GET OFF YOUR CELL PHONES.  It's rude.  It's boring. I've fallen into the habit of getting so annoyed that people are on the phones ignoring the moment that I've just started being on mine, because I hate talking to thin air.

Nothing on any social media page will ever be as important as the conversation you are having with a real live friend, spouse, family member. I don't care how boring the conversation is, when you refuse to absorb the people in your presence, or the moment, you are refusing the have a normal open friendship/relationship with that person.  So if you are having a nice dinner, leave your phone in your purse/pocket/car. Pay attention. The world is beautiful.  Your phone can't hold you at night.

10. CREATE YOUR OWN HAPPINESS

You are completely responsible for your own happiness.  You need to get your life in order, pave your own way, make your own money, have your own individual successes, learn to cook for yourself, whatever. You need to be your own individual. It should never ever be up to another person to make you happy.

INSTEAD- You should be with a person or people or friends who enhance your existence. Who have their own game going and can run alongside you and share happiness. Right? Happiness is shared. And if that isn't the case, run as far away from the negativity that is bringing you down son!  

*Side note- happiness isn't constant ok? Like get a grip. Its work, just like everything else. So if sometimes you have a day where you aren't super happy, its not the end of the world. Promise. Go pet some puppies, sip a latte or unicorn frapp if you have that fat heart, and sleep on it.

11. TAKE A LEAP OF FAITH

YES! Do something bold, something that you know deep down you want to do.  Something you maybe always dreamed of. If you can look deep inside your soul and say, if I do this I will be with the person of my dreams, I can live in a place I've never lived, I can change my life, I can live a little differently, DO IT. It might be scary. It might be the biggest uncertainity ever. It might not even be anything you ever expected. And it might not even work out. But if you don't do it, you will spend your life wondering what if?

As Eminem once nobaly said:

Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity To seize everything you ever wanted, in one moment Would you capture it or just let it slip?

If you don't take a leap of faith at least once in your life, to do something that might change your life forever, why not take it?  I did.  And I literally woulnd't change it for the world. <3