#HOPEFULLY THATS GOOD ENOUGH HHH

[sailingseals]

HIHI!! OW Doodles :3!!!

Was testing out coloring and stuff sjd7hd7js

[actualbird]

Hey hopefully it’s not too late to chime in on the grad school topic (no need to reply if it is!!)

I’m just a year younger than you, and my entire life I also planned to go and get a master’s and eventually a PhD. I think now that it was for gender reasons since “Dr” is a gender neutral prefix… but about halfway through my undergrad I had a huge crisis bc I don’t really like anything enough to want to study it further. I still got the degree, but now I’m just taking a gap year to try different things out and see where life takes me. I think maybe I’ll want to do a masters, and maybe I won’t, but both are okay options as long as I’m enjoying life :’)

I don’t think you really need to find a career you’re super passionate about or anything either, for me at least I’m definitely leaning towards “a job that gives me enough money for the life I want and that I don’t suck at”

Anyway if you’d like a song recommendation in this trying time, I’ve recently discovered Alanis Morissette’s “hand in my pocket” and it’s helping :D “and what it all comes down to, is that I haven’t got it figured out just yet, but I’ve got one hand in my pocket, and the other one is giving a peace sign~”

Take good care!!

irt my existential crisis yesterday

hi anon!! it's not too late and hhh i really appreciate this ask :'3

im really glad youre enjoying life right now, and the more i think about it the more i realize that really that should be like, my overall goal, even if it's a simple yet sometimes nebulous goal. i dont even know what makes me (existentially) happy!!! im happy just vibing through life with minimal stresses ;-;

youre super right about the career thing tbh. i think because of my upbringing, im kinda stuck in that mindset of "you have to eventually get to your Dream Job, your Passion, to Truly Get Your Life Together" and needless to say, having a goalpost set up that high is not stellar for my general brainscape.

i really resonate with “a job that gives me enough money for the life I want and that I don’t suck at” because right now thats how i feel about my current job! i dont hate it, though im not in love with it, but it gives me the money i need to buy my meds and pay my cat's vet bills and sometimes i can treat myself to tot merch every once in a while. maybe it's okay to just....idle here. im not sure i have it in me to be a Successful(TM) person. i wanna go somewhere good with my life but i also just wanna have a nice time....is it possible to have both??? probably. i just dont know how to do that yet. i hope i'll figure it out

thank you for the reassurance, and i wish you well too ;w;

[violetsoju]

i took an online introductory mandarin course during the lockdown and it took me almost half a day to get through two 10-minute videos about basic vocab and grammar because i could only pay attention for three minutes before i opened another tab for tumblr or youtube LOL T-T my brain would not be able to handle school anymore

i had never had shaking hands or heart palpitations from caffeine before!! usually i just get a headache. but i was working that day so i had to try very hard to appear like i wasn't suffering HAHA despite this i still like boba, but i can't have it at night anymore (one time i stayed awake until 4am, it was absolutely dreadful) ಥ_ಥ

i feel bad when i find my books all covered in dust from sitting around untouched for years, but it's always a nice reminder of the worlds i was temporarily transported to when i read them (◡‿◡)

also LIN!! did you do synchro swimming!?? cuz that IS SO INTENSE WOWZA i used to take swimming lessons and the chlorine was the worst part! always had to have goggles so idk how on earth the synchro swimmers do it, i would just be crying underwater

yvonne yvonne im putting this under the cut bc i got excited and got carried away hahahaha 👉👈

omg half a day for two 10-minute videos i have never felt this so much T_T hopefully the course was helpful tho!! and yeah even when i drag myself to the library to get work done, i cant focus without closing the tumblr and youtube tabs :'))) im guilty of scrolling tumblr and discord while lectures or tutorials are on-going too at times LOL

aaah thats good thats good T_T i think heart palpitations and head pounding are the max for me to suffer from alr, def would not want to venture into shaking hands ;_; omg bc same!! i couldnt resist having milk tea during a christmas dinner party once (it was so so good tho T_T) and oh my god i was staring at the celling wide awake until 4/5am too :')) but surprisningly viet coffee is alright for me, i wonder why hmmm

hey at least your books are covered w dust in all its glory while some of mine are still wrapped cosily in plastic after years........ 💀 but when you randomly pick them up when feeling nostalgic and flip the pages that have turned yellow, those feels are really :'))) i springclean my room once a year (bc cny and thats the time where asian moms go all frenzy w springcleaning hhh) but theres a certain selection of books that still make the cut till today ♡ and ngl the amount of series that i bought on impulse bc of fomo and bc they were the thing back then that i have donated away are.... coughs coughs any hot takes on which series they were hhhh

hahahaha i did!! back when i was younger heheh for fun tho!! ntg serious mainly bc i was just there for fun and i wasnt flexible enough LOL (my coach used to ask my mom what milk formula she fed me bc my bones were hard as hell hhhh) plus i cant for my life open my eyes underwater so i never did group routines -> never making it to the next level hhh. i used to be that kid who just wanted to try anything and everything so synchro swimming made it to the list too 😂 looking back it is quite intense i would say, lots of physical and mental strength needed. physical bc you need good stamina and muscle strength to flop in and out the water like a fish w grace w limited air supply, mentally bc the pools we trained in were diving pools so they were real deep, real real deep. i forgot exactly how deep it was but in a section of the pool there was an inverted pyramid at the base. our training was at night so imagine a dimly lit swimming arena, swimming w the dim lights flickering the water and having your feet real far away from the ground, it was honestly quite a challenge at first haha (i was made to do swimming drills in the swimming lanes w no lights at all both above and underwater bc i wasnt part of upcoming comps and oh my god i would never be able to do it again if asked to now) but once you get used to it its alright! kids being kids we even competed w each other to see who could reach the deepest end of the pool sometimes hhh. i did it for 3-4 years i think, didnt met the nicest ppl there but met some ppl w hearts of gold there too ♡ a fun and valuable memory and experience nevertheless!

[krykir-blog]

My Experience With Transitioning

fuck me im just copying and pasting what I’ve done up until now

Info already so right now i think im nonbinary but i think i might be completely trans idk (edit later in time: i can say for sure I am completely trans, not just nonbinary.), ive felt this way for a while and my bud sen helped me figure it all out bc i was hella confused and i felt very masculine. A year and a few months ago I cut my hair super short and realized that this was how I've always wanted it because oh my god if i ever grew long hair again id want to die, i hate it and i hated how I looked. So that was that and i was like that for a while and I think sometime during the summer of 2015 i figured out what I wanted to be called (ryan). I started out w/ having people on the internet call me that and it was awesome, but kinda weird having people in real life call me by my birth name and it was really odd. Then October came and my stepcousin was getting married- during that wedding was when i told my dad and stepmum i wanted to be called ryan so I consider that to be the time when I actually started transitioning. It took a painfully long time to get my mother on board to be honest, her boyfriend (who is now her ex) was actually down with it right away but of course he didn't call me or my brother that because it would've been awkward, but we had some late night talks about it frequently. When they broke up it was kinda iffy but I think it was soon after that happened that she started calling me and my brother by our preferred names. At a party my parents went to one night they told all their friends about me and my brother and we've been enrolled in a study, which is 6 MRI's total. I've already had 3 MRI's and let me tell you, they suck, but I think later next year I'm gonna have to get my next round- just basically contribution to help trans people or anyone taking hormones to transition. This year I got into high school and I'm going to a place that's pretty far away from where my last school was, so no one there knows me or that I'm female- I'm completely authentic and I think that's pretty cool, it's what I wanted. So far I think that's all you need to know lmao if I have more info to put down i probably will. Thank you guys for the support, i love you <3 8/29/16 First injection of testosterone. No changes yet ofc, but I found that I was hardly hurt by the needle so now I'm a lot more excited lmao. (Dose amount is currently 0.1 ML) 9/5/16 Second injection. Of course, no changes yet, so there's not much to say except this was my first time doing it at home. stepmum did it tbh, it still surprises me at how much it doesnt hurt lmao 9/12/16 Third injection bois. No really noticeable changes yet however i think i have a bit more hair growth from where the bellybutton is down to the nether areas which is still something and I'll take it xD I'm starting to think I prefer shots in the arm tho. Surprisingly they don't hurt as much as far as I can tell?? it's pretty neat lmao 9/19/16 Still no noticeable changes. I can now say for sure that shots hurt less in the arm than the leg, surprisingly enough at least for me lmao one month b o i s 9/26/16 (sorry for being super late with updating this one) still no noticeable changes yet, dosage is still small as all hell >> 10/3/16 No noticeable changes that I can identify, but I have a friend who told me that my voice is deeper. regardless of that, it's not at all by much at least to me and there's still nothing super noticeable and it's rather irritating. 10/7/16 Not a shot, but my first MRI after getting the three baseline scans before I got testosterone. I got my blood drawn more than I ever have and it got to the point where my vision became brightly dotted and my ears started ringing like mad, it was awful, i thought i was gonna pass out. But the MRI itself was actually a lot better than my last three scans, theyve made so many improvements to make it less anxiety inducing. 4/6 MRIs done, 1/3 blood draws done. 10/10/16 SEVENTH SHOT OF T I'VE BEEN OVER THE MOON TODAY THO 'CAUSE I'M GETTING MY DANK ASS FRIEND A BINDER AS fOR the actual T, I haven't noticed any super big changes but my friends are like "yeah jesus christ ur voice is deeper" so I GUESS THATS THAT I also started recording my voice after the sixth shot so ill keep up w/ that too as much as I can 10/17/16 Still no noticeable changes to me, however we got new needles and the measurements are different and it's weird but ye nothing super exciting to say I guess hhh sorry for being so slow at updating this rip 10/24/16 This time the needle really hurt and idk why but oh well. Still no noticeable changes besides more hair growth on my legs and the happy trail area. I compared my voice now to my 6th shot and there's no distinct difference >> i really wish my dosage was higherrrr Also for some reason I keep having dreams of me with longer hair?? it's really not okay :'D I don't recognize pictures of myself with long hair anymore tho so I guess that's something. 10/31/16 -ok so i dont remember getting a shot this day but w/e, im late to updating it- still no noticeable changes 11/7/16 SO I GAVE MYSELF A SHOT FOR THE FIRST TIME AND IT WAS AWFUL 1- I PRICKED MY FINGER AND IT STARTED BLEEDING A LOT AND IT STILL HURTS 2- WHEN I ACTUALLY PUT IT IN MY ARM I DIDNT PUT IT IN DEEP ENOUGH SO IT ALL STARTED COMING OUT AND I WAS BLEEDING A LOT IM SICK FROM SCHOOL TODAY AND I HAD DETERMINATION TO DO IT BUT I DIDNT DO WELL 11/14/16 soRRY FOR BEING AWFUL AT UPDATING i had a really shitty monday this most recent monday but its ok my friend brought their trans bf over and watched me and my borther put in our shots and it was chill no noticeable changes to report i dont think 11/21/16 Nothing special to report, the needle kinda stung tho oddly 11/28/16 AAAND MY DOSAGE IS NOW 0.2 BOIS I GO BACK IN 3 MONTHS AND ITLL PROBS BE UPPED TO 0.3 BUT IM EXCITED I loved the nurse who drew my blood lmao she was really cool, i love the people who work in that office so much. They're all so nice ;v; I have a bit more acne and my doctor said my voice sounded a bit deeper, so I guess I'll take it. Things should hopefully speed up at 0.2. 12/5/16 Second shot on 0.2! It didn't hurt as bad as the last one which is good~ I've been noticing more acne on my face nd shoulders which is also hella //well in progress terms it is 12/12/16 YOU GUYS MY VOICE IS GETTING MORE RASPY AND I CAN CRACK IT ALL OVER THE PLACE EASIER THAN I COULD BEFORE ITS NOT SUPER NOTICEABLE YET BUT IM GETTING THERE IM EXCITE SORRY FOR BEING SHITTY AT UPDATING THIS ITS OK 12/19/16 BREATHES NOTHING SUPER NOTEWORTHY BUt my voice iS noticeably going down- not a ton buT AGAIN ITS GETTING THERE ;V; My arm really hurts tho for the first time after and idk why 'cause the shot iddnt hurt at all 12/25/16 Not a shot but just a lil random update ;;v; MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ERRYONE BY THE WAY, I HOPE YOU ALL HAd a great day! sO onto the stuff Today I got an assload of money and I'm deciding to spend a lot of it on a packer and a packing harness. I already bought the harness but I'm gonna have my dad order the packer since there's no good ones on amazon hhhh buT YE IM PUMPED ILL HAVE A BULGE 12/30/16 HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS MY VOICE IS GETTING REALLY NOTICEABLY DEEP IM LITERALLY SCREAMING [link] 1/5/17 I GOT MY PACKER MOTHERFUCKERS ITS HUGE AND ITS GREAT AND IVE GOT A DICK NOW 1/9/17 This is the day I officially became male. This is the day I officially became Ryan. I never have to write my birth name ever again. I am so fucking happy. The judge was super super nice and I was anxious as fuck but it ended up super well. Voice is still getting deeper and im getting hairier in some places, it's great~

[yumenosakiacademy]

Me.trocon 2017 Friday

this is a Diary entry for future me, but feel free to read, as always. Cosplayed: Mik.an Tsumiki

Okay, so i woke up early to get there by 10 am, ate 3 bowls of cereal n dad helped me w my wig n the bandages n stuff then i went to the con and made it there at abt 9:40 am..? around then, and went downstairs to look around before going to the ouran or hs panel so i spotted the nice Ann from earlier along with a futaba that they were friends w and i hung out w them for a while talking abt stuff and tried spinning a spinner for the first time?? rly hard w nails tho so i gave up and gave it back to them and i heard “hey nurse!!” and turned around and a ruruka and komaeda w a big monob.ear plushie were riding down the escalator waving at me and i got a pic of them and they took a pic of me and ruruka gave me a gummy candy but i had to return it bc i dont eat gelatin but they were nice! i saw em a few times later too. so i told ann and futaba that i was gonna go to the hs panel and said goosbye 

and i went to the hs panel and it.. wasnt too fun?? idk it was just a small panel. they were eating ben boozled beans to see if they got the good or gross flavor and i asked nepeta what her favorite kind of cat was and terezi tried to rap and gamzee did shenanigans but after a while i wanted to see some of he ouran panel so i went in there but not much was happening so i stuck around then eventually left it bc i was kinda bored

and then!! the LL pep rally aa! it was major cute, and all of the dancers were amazing and it had me having LL songs stuck in my head esp the nico and nozo duet song aa and while they were dancing i think i almost teared up bc i started having Idol Feelings?? flrhknrfhb but ANYWAY the maki, after asked, mentioned en.stars but she didnt kno how to play + she ddnt wanna read a japanese walkthrough and u could literally see me STRAINING not to tell her i could teach her how and i couldnt after the panel but oh well! the panel was rly cute n fun aa and there was a halloween!yohane w a rly nice outfit and after taking her pic i was like “im ur fallen angel now, yohane-sama!” and she was like “yes you are one w me now or somefin it was cute!

After that, i forgot that there was an SU panel and i went to the ON.S panel and some of the jokes were funny but since im not major into o.ns (never was, altho ive seen seasons 1 and 2 and read some of the manga) i eventualy left bc i got kinda bored and they startedplaying games like “Honey i love u” (and a friend later told me that the panel got boring after that) and bc i heard there was a DR meetup going on, i decided to go since i had 30 minutes before the max mitt.elman q and a but most of the cosplayers were just standing around and talking waiting for a photographer and a juzo was rly nice to me and so was the mondo (who seemed to be running the meetup) but by the time they got a photographer, it was time for me to go and mondo’s like “u joinin for pics?” bc i was standing off to the side looking at the con map n i was like “ah.. no, the voice of ryuji is here n i wanna see him” so the mondo said they were gonna be morgana at the per.sona photoshoot on satuday and that max might be there and im so SAD that i cant go to it bc its at midnight aa..

but so i left and i went to go see max mit.telman and it’s! surreal seeing a celebrity and everytime he spoke all i heard was Ryuji honestly thats what i thought of almost everytime fhnkhn but a lot of the talk in that panel was abt voice acting or spi.derman but i managed to aask him a question abt per.sona (”whats ur favorite castle and character?”) and he said kamoshidas palace bc ryuji’s awakening is in there and that ryuji was his fav n when i said Of Course he said “oh, other than ryuji? hmm.. the subway announcer” and everyone laughed and i think someone else asked him abt per.sona before me and it was like.. what was the funniest ryuji line to do and max said “the line where hes eating and he goes ‘IT’S LIKE A MEATY EXPLOSION IN MY MOUTH!!’” and i was laughing aaa but it was so cool! but i left near the end of it and went to the DR panel at 1:30

and the DR panel was kinda boring, i stood in the back bc there were tall ppl sitting near the places i like to sit and stuff but hey did lil games and i asked mono.kuma “what his fvorite exocution was (”h-hopefully not mine!”) and he said terut.eru’s w the helicoptors and they had trivia but the only question i knew i dint raise my hand fast enough unfortunately but its okay and later in the panel i asked junko how she really felt abt mikan (and called her junko-sama aaa) and junko said “well.. i kill the people i love so.. haha!” but made a heart w her arms and i made a heart w my fingers

NOW FOR MY FAVORITE PART OF TODAY there was a dm.md dating panel and i was like “hhh clear is best boy im gonna wait until clear is called then take a seat as a contestant” so the panel was funny and virus was all like “how do you feel abt exotic pets” and contestant one was like “well i do love bigass snakes” and virus is like “oh yea? well i have 2~” n koujaku mentioned something like theyll have to be a snake charmer and one lady, when virus asked why he should choose them, she said her character (Foxxy) once put chicken up herself and it came out fried and her friend, who was #2, said “I CANT COMPARE WHEN HER P**** DOUBLES AS A MICROWAVE!” and the other girl went “easy bake oven” and everyone was laughing and #2 couldnt stop laughing and it was Wild tbh ekhrhflj AND THEN when they called cleae you could see me stand up SO EFFING QUICK AA and i sat down as contestant 3 and as i sat down i was like “aa i was waiting for clear hes my best boy” and clear (and kou i think) heard me and went “oh aww” and clear asked his first question of “what do you think of jellyfish” and #1 said they’re squishy, #2 said they’re pretty yet kind of delicious, and i said “they’re pretty and floaty.. and theyre soft- well, they look soft, yanno? and they’re swimming all free.. w how theyre floating, maybe theyre secretly fairies or something?” and everybody Aww’ed aaa and then clear asked his 2nd question “where you take me on a date?” and #2 said the obv answer of aquarium, #1 said a beach at sunset i think, and i thought for a sec abt how clear is soft ans sweet and said “i think something simple, like a sleepover, and we could have glow in the dark stars on the wall n all yanno, and maybe watch a movie w a pillow fort and lots of plushies?” and everybody Aww’ed harder and i just kinda shyly smiled and i heard the panelists Awwing too and koujaku turned to clear and said “so, do you need to ask a third question or do you obv already know who ur gonna pick” w an Obvious tone and clear nodded (rly cutely aa) and walked down n he was like “would you.. do me the honors of being my chosen one?” and holding out my bouquiet (which was what the winning contestant got) and i was smiling so hard and nodded (i think we hugged too?) and i said “only if i have the honor of giving you a lollipop, clear~!” and gave him a fake shot and a lollipop and i was like “if you need a different flavor u can have a diff. one aa” and clear was like “ah oh no that’s fine!” and koujaku was like “oh my god can we have her instead of these guys” (meaning the other dm.md panelists) and  was fidgeting back to my seat in jy and slight shyness but after that i asked clear 2 questions during the q and a and i asked if he would make his brothers Good and not on the side of toue if he could and he nodded yes and one of the panelists played jellyf.ish song and i was like aa and then later i said “um.. clear.. i think you’re kinda similar to that one robot.ic pokemon princess- um, i forgot her name bc of my memory but-” and clear was nodding and blushing and i was like aaa bc we’re both Shy so it’s just us both being nice and blushy and i couldnt hear it well but i think clear was like “we should see it later” and after the panel was over i was gathering my bag and the clear came up to me and they were like aa you’re so cute can i take a pic of you” and i was like “yea sure can i take a pic of you?” and so we talked abt how neither of us have seen the pok.emon movir i was talking abt yet and i gave clear a hug and they were so cute im gonna Cry aa... im Lov............

after that i walked around the dealers room and the female hajime from earlier that i saw at the meetup and at the DR panel asked me to pose w them and since they got a bouqiet from the dm.md panel too we posed w those like a marriage proposal and i was like “take that spike ch.unsoft we’re making DR Gay now” and we stood around and talked abt per.sona until i saw a ryuji and goro and hajime and i took pics of em and we talked w them for a sec (the goro was like “nobody likes goro they all want pics of just ryuji”) and they were Nice and i saw dm.md cosplayers that i saw at the panel in the dealers room and they kept complimenting me on how cute i was during the panel aaa AND i met the virus and trip who were in the panel and they complimented me too and we stood around and talked for a while and i was like  “is virus’ jacket green bc he’s Poisonous?” and they were like “..interesting though. maynbe! :o” and i was like “and trip is piink for sweets, virus is green bc of snakes maybe? and trip’s pink could be a lion tongue?” and i gave them both lollipops + fake shots (i was like “maybe oit’s heroine. OH or maybe i shot you up w... Morphine” and we all went aaayyye) and i left

the oso.matsu-kun ppl never showed up so ikept browsing the dealers room and while i was looking at en.stars blind boxes, i saw a naegi going thru the id.olish omanjuus but i thought they were en.stars ones and i went “omg are you an en.stars fan?!” and they were like “YEA are you??” and i was like “YAH” and so we talked abt the event and how he wants a wataru omanjuu even tho he kinda finda wataru weird and turns out hes a SwitchP and a rabitsP bc “he has self-care” and doesnt go close to Popular units and we talked for a while and he apparently didnt kno abt the en.stars panel on saturday so i told him abt it and led him to the idol merch booth n showed him the en.stars keychains and found atsumugi for him and he got a sora and some lady in a pink sweater (?) was looking thru the boxes too so i was like “ARE U INTO IT” n she was lieke “yea!” so we talked w her and shegot the shu christmas charm (i joked that it mustve been fate we met bc i got the mika one) and she said she likes valkyrie and she mentioned her artist alley booth has en.stars stuff (i couldnt fint eh booth) and that someone she knew was cosplaying mika (didnt fine em either) or maybe she said “was going to..?” but she said she was gonna go w a friend as leo and madara in vacation clothes on satuday n i was like “DUDE COOL” and naegi said he might cosplay nazuna at metro or just eventually and i was so happy aa but eventually i left the dealers room

the os.osan q and a wasnt much to talk abt so after that, the bn.ha q and a AND the bb dating panel were PACKED but i stood in the back of the bn.ha one for a while but thought abt leaving and dad called me so i took my chance to leave and answer him and after that i just walked around more and met an eg.gs benedict who hung out w me and we saw a nof.ace who gave them candy and we talked w an akira abt stuff before i left to walk again and after a while i met a Honoka and a Kamoshida and we talked abt en.stars and LL and aa it was fun they were Nice and i went to the mat.suno mixerfor the last half (i looked inside earlie, saw no one and didnt go inside but they apparently stated late) and got chosen to be a contestant for ichimatsu (which i found ironic bc i had already won a dating game today haha) (i was contestant #1, he couldnt see any of the contestant bc there was a rack between us) and ichimatsu asked “whats ur opinion on cats”and i said “well i love them!! and rin h.oshizora is my best LL girl so of course nya!” n for the 2nd question he said “my brothers r gonna hate me for this, but how submissive are you?” and i said “well.. technically i’m a switch, but i’m Mostly a bottom, ichimatsu-sama... And i mean.. i let junko-sama step on me so..” and some ppl laughed aa and for his third question he said “on a scale of 1-10 how much do you think im trash” so i decided not to say 10 or 11 and said “well i think you’re mosre like.. a recycling bin! nor fully trahsh, perse! but im p lazy too so we can be trash buddies together!” and in the end ichi said he liked #1 n #3 but #1 charmd him more so the rack was removed and i got a bouqiet of duct tape flowers from him and i said “i can be your kitty, ichimatsu-sama nya!” and he linked elbows w me and escorted me down the stage stairs and it was nice aaa..

after that was the pajama rw.by panel but it wasnt v interesting and some guy in he audience was loud and annoying and the LLpj party where i talked w the honoka and kamoshida from earlier and a different honoka and we talked for a sec abt en.stars and id.olish and the panel was okay but i was.. tired aa...

the DR panel turned out to be mostly party games not q and a and i was tired so i left midway thru once dad came to pick me up at like 11:30 and we got mcnuggets and a medium fry to share and!! con day overrr