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instrawberrymoonlight Ā· 4 years ago
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10 Things I Love About You
Every time I watch that scene where they call you a freak I get so angry. I know itā€™s clichĆ© to say they hate what they donā€™t understand but I firmly believe it in this case; they only superficially put up with you because you show them a way ā€œoutā€ to all their problems and itā€™s completely despicable. Self preservation prevails, I guess, at least to them and itā€™s insufferable and deeply saddening.Ā 
Everything about you is brilliant and Iā€™d never truly be able to describe the way I feel about you ever, because language is so restrictive, but at the very least I can mean the things I say. And, I do. In every sense of the word. So, just because Iā€™m a lovesick puppy and Iā€™ve never truly been able to convey a fraction of the feelings I have for you, Iā€™m writing this: 10 Things I Love About You. (Yeah I know itā€™s a very creative list name, thank you).
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Your smile, as silly and swoony as it sounds, captivates me. Itā€™s contagious and lights up my world. Youā€™re the star of the show in my universe and I could stare at your dimples and the way your eyes crease up when you smile ā€“ when you genuinely smile ā€“ forever. Itā€™s a sight to behold and on the rare occasion it slips and Iā€™ve been blessed with the chance of seeing it, it stays with me. Itā€™s almost like my own precious little secret that I get to cherish and recall until the end of my days. (Also sometimes your nose scrunches when you smile and unfortunately I could only talk about 10 things so I couldnā€™t insert a whole paragraph on how amazing and cute your nose is so Iā€™m putting a short except here ā€“ PLEASE LET ME KISS IT PLEASE PLEASE AAAAAAAAAA.
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Your eyes. Thereā€™s an intensity to them and while their darkness has struck fear in the hearts of many, it has only won mine. Theyā€™re a beautiful, unique shade ā€“ never to be replicated in another, and are distinctly you. Theyā€™re also incredibly emotive, I can always tell when youā€™re thinking hard about something and I can always tell, even if itā€™s for a split second, when something has bothered you. Theyā€™re just so diaphanous. And thatā€™s not to say youā€™re easy to read but rather the insight into your soul is through your eyes; thereā€™s also a warmth to them as well. A heat. While your touch can be cold, and I usually identify you by your chilling presence, your eyes capture the fire within; It embodies you. When the flame is fuelled by passion (gasoline for humans) it epitomises your unfettered wildness and your freedom. And when calm, it provides this sense of shelter to the people who love you and consider you family; your eyes reflect that blanket of warmth. That hidden side you only show to those close enough. Both are dazzling and Iā€™m so glad to have met you ā€“ and to be able to interact with you.Ā 
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Your scars. As superficial as it sounds, I find them gorgeous. I want to kiss them softly and treat them so gently. To tell you the truth, and to let you in on a little secret, I get really defensive over them. I hope this doesnā€™t sound like Iā€™m fetishising them in any way but Iā€™d love to see you without your makeup more often. I donā€™t want this to come across as pushy or anything, I promise this is only if youā€™re comfortable I would never want to put you in an uncomfortable position. I just want you to know that what I feel for you isnā€™t shallow and it isnā€™t based on the symbol youā€™ve built yourself as. It isnā€™t because you wear make-up and you hide yourself; my love isnā€™t conditional. Iā€™ve fallen in love with you, the man beneath the make-up, Alexander Harper, for nothing more than the reason that youā€™re amazing. Sorry, Iā€™m kinda focusing on this point so much because I feel so strongly about them. I feel as though youā€™ve been wrongly told, for a good chunk of your life, that theyā€™re horrific for whatever reason. I feel as though youā€™ve gotten weird looks because of them, or like I mentioned earlier, that youā€™ve been called a freak. The idea of any of these being the case completely riles me up, itā€™s so fucked up to think about anyone shaming you for them. Personally, I think theyā€™re a bold portrayal of your personal strength (of which Iā€™ll touch on later ā€“ spoilers), and a show of your resilience in an all too often fucked up world. Theyā€™re beautiful, and they will never not be. If you arenā€™t proud of them yet, or if thereā€™s a part of you thatā€™s still somewhat ashamed of them, I will personally tell you anytime I can that theyā€™re beautiful to me and are a representation of hope until you take pride in them. Or at least start to believe it. Even then, Iā€™ll never shut up about it. Battle scars, whether metaphorical or literal, are always valid and are a big fuck you to not only mental illness ā€“ mostly the voices that try to destroy you from within ā€“ but are also a big fuck you to our abusers. Itā€™s saying in big bold writing ā€œhey fuckers, I survived despite all the shit youā€™ve thrown my way,ā€ and thatā€™s something we victims donā€™t get to experience enough.Ā 
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Your ability to unapologetically be yourself. I think this oneā€™s mostly self explanatory. You have this amazing capability to set aside the social dogma and the fear it instils regarding individuality. You know who you are and what you want and it's inspiring, especially since I personally struggle with identity and navigation. Your confidence in your belief system and in a lot of ways, yourself, is something I also look up to and I hope that one day I can reach a point like that too. You probably already know this and if it isnā€™t overt enough itā€™s sure as hell implicit ā€“ I look up to you so much. Youā€™re one of my idols and maybe thatā€™s daunting or a lot of pressure but as long as you keep being you I assure you thereā€™s nothing you could ever do to deter me or make me feel differently. Iā€™d also like to quickly touch on how accepting you are of mental illness and of your own! None of that matters to you and it creates such a safe space. Youā€™re so incredibly patient with me. I can only hope Iā€™ve been able to create the same feeling reversed! Lastly, I love all your little idiosyncrasies ā€“ the way you speak and move your hands, the way you flick your tongue against your scars (which weirdly enough never triggers my misophonia, youā€™re like the only exception) the way you pronounce things and draw out words, the way you interrupt yourself with hums and ahs and other butterfly inducing noises. Itā€™s so perfectly you and it joys me to no end.Ā 
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Your strength. I donā€™t want to get too specific into trauma because this is meant to be uplifting and I just want to stray away from the prospect of triggering you as best as I can so Iā€™ll try my best to keep it short; though, there are some things I want to sayā€“Ā 
Holy fucking shit you are strong. You are so so strong. And thatā€™s probably the most vaguest, cliche thing Iā€™ve said yet but I fucking believe it with all my possum heart. Your childhood and the relentless degradation you endured by a parental figure who was meant to protect you, but instead disgustingly treated you like no child ever should be treated was horrific. What he did to you was unspeakable and the way you feel about my abuser hits the nail on the head regarding how I feel about your father. Iā€™m sure you were the sweetest kid when you were younger and none of what happened was any fault of your own. You deserved to have your needs met and deserved to be treated with such love and compassion. You still do. There wasnā€™t something wrong with you, you didnā€™t cause your trauma. I know itā€™s really hard to believe that when youā€™ve experienced incredible distress and it can really fuck with your perceptions but Iā€™m here to tell you that none of that is true. To put it in perspective, Arthur, Kali and I have experienced similar thought patterns. Weā€™ve all doubted ourselves and believed at one point or another that weā€™re just awful and that we deserved it but itā€™s a lie abusers have ingrained in us. Iā€™m not sure if anyone has told you this properly but I just want you to know this, please. Iā€™m kind of going on a whole tangent here but this is so important. I just want the best for you and I want you to want that too. I want you to take care of yourself more, to be more patient with yourself ā€“ at the very least for me. You deserve to break out of this vicious cycle trauma imprints on us all.Ā 
Further, going to war is arguably one of the most harrowing things a person can experience. Iā€™m really not going to get in on the details here because itā€™s pretty self-explanatory too. Youā€™re my hero Alexander, you encompass courage and resilience more than anyone can. Despite everything youā€™ve been though, in the end youā€™re still fighting in what you believe is right and fighting against oppression. Your spirit cannot be crushed and itā€™s really touching. My big dumb borderline heart feels so much for it and for you. I love you so completely.Ā 
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Your humour. You seem to make the darkest situation into the brightest. Youā€™re so quick witted and it never fails to make me laugh. Your secret love for puns, which I feel like youā€™ll deny because theyā€™re cheesy but it slips a few times in the film, is the most adorable thing Iā€™ve seen. Itā€™s so so so endearing and Iā€™m giggling to myself as I write this.Ā 
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Your voice is angelic and it has the power to give me butterflies. Continuing this thought, I always found it funny that no one can replicate it, at least I personally think; people fall short when they try to mimic you and itā€™s interesting. Thereā€™s just something about you that makes you incredibly unique and even when people try, they can never truly be you. Maybe this sounds like a crazy love ramble but youā€™re special. Itā€™s why youā€™ve captured the hearts of so many and itā€™s why Iā€™ve given you mine in full. Speaking of hearts, this leads me to my next point.
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Your heart ā€“ you say you donā€™t have one though your heart is especially brilliant. Iā€™ve seen it, albeit hidden, itā€™s big and has sustained despite the things youā€™ve been through. Apart from Kali and Arthur Iā€™ve never had someone care for me as much as you, Iā€™ve never had anyone treat me so gently and Iā€™ve never had anyone validate my experiences the way you have. Despite experiencing all the bullshit judgement people project onto you (evident within the first few minutes of the film) you remain one of the most understanding, non-judgemental and comforting people I know. I have a feeling like youā€™d disagree with me about all this or try and block out what Iā€™m saying by replying with ā€œim dangerousā€ but Iā€™m telling you Iā€™ve never felt safer around anyone more than you ā€“ particularly in your arms. As someone who has a serious problem with people touching them and getting close to them physically or relationship-wise, Iā€™m telling you Alexander Harper, that I trust you with my life and I feel wholly protected by you. I know youā€™d never hurt me, youā€™re terrified of doing so. Iā€™d let my guard down with you any day, and I donā€™t do that. I want you to know youā€™re precious to me, every single side of you; every single part of you. You donā€™t scare me. I know how hard it is to open up and Iā€™m so so so happy youā€™ve chosen me and the family to trust in. Just know that you donā€™t have to hide anymore. You can be yourself. And maybe this is pushing it, maybe this is me overstepping, I hope it isnā€™t but itā€™s okay to be the young Alexander you never got to be. Itā€™s okay to let go and enjoy things and to do the things you want to do. To open up, to show people you have these feelings. I just want this to come across as a friendly reminder, like a little caress on the cheek because I can understand it all: the hiding, trying to pretend that you have no emotions at all, trying to pretend that youā€™re okay, self sabotaging relationships and the personal relationship you have with yourself. You donā€™t have to do this anymore though my love, you donā€™t have to go through this alone. I want nothing more than to support you and be with you when youā€™re going through your worst. I love all parts of you, remember?
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Your playful side and your passions (yes Iā€™m sticking two points into one, itā€™s not cheating, deal with it raccoon boy). Even if itā€™s small things like crosswords or rubik's cubes, to sliding down money piles and scribbling on newspapers (or um,,,,, taunting police) you have this sweet proclivity for mischief. Itā€™s so endearing and I swear I fall more in love with you as the seconds go by. I love it when you fixate on something and create elaborate plans, it's riveting to watch them unfold ā€“ kind of like finishing a puzzle and watching the pieces come together. Itā€™s so satisfying, and knowing youā€™re the man behind the plan makes it all the more thrilling; but my favourite thing of all is that itā€™s an insight into your mind (which Iā€™ll also touch on next). On the flip side, you have this staggering ability to think on the spot under pressure, you always know exactly what to do or what to say. Itā€™s awe-inspiring. Youā€™re perfect.Ā 
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Your mind, I love the way it works and ticks. If I could spend hours asking you questions and asking your opinions on things I would. I donā€™t want this to come across like I want to psychoanalyse you and pick your brain in the worst way like some lab experiment. Iā€™m just so interested in the way you view and perceive the world, even with the most mundane things. I just want to hear you talk. Like I said, I look up to you so much and I enjoy spending time with you. I guess youā€™re not the only one who likes reactions ha h. Iā€™m hilarious.Ā 
Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā And finally, in the memorable words of Frankie Valliā€”
I love you, baby.Ā 
(Yes I know that was cheesy, kill me).
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