#HATE BEING CONFRONTED WITH MY FATHER'S MORTALITY REGARDING THE BOTCHED SURGERY 3 YEARS AGO
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if I just had someone to hold me through all the bullshit emotions bombarding my brain right now I probably wouldn't have to suffer as much as I do right now. stupid...
#HATE BEING CONFRONTED WITH MY FATHER'S MORTALITY REGARDING THE BOTCHED SURGERY 3 YEARS AGO#where he almost died the first time. on my birthday to boot.#cursed day that is.#he's old and has blood pressure issues and is prediabetic and has been smoking cigarettes for most of his life#and has been smoking the equivalent to a pack a day for the past couple years due to stress and pain#and a surgery literally cutting his chest open to do surgery on one of his main arteries to remove the botched section?#fucking risky business#just. feeling so fucking useless. i don't even know where i'd even begin picking up the pieces if he were to die in surgery#or if left untreated. he'd also die then.#I NEED COMFORT BUT CANNOT SEEK COMFORT FROM ANYONE AROUND ME AND IT'S DRIVING ME INSANE INSANE INSANE INSANE INSANE#i know someone who'd probably be very happy to see me in this situation. cannot blame them one bit. i deserve this tbh#funny how life finds ways to mirror things in the worst ways possible#if this were fiction our fates would be forever entwined no matter how much it hurts and kills us#anyway. feeling hella suicidal since all the things are all connected and all the mental anguish is ganging up on me ✌#feeling like i deserve all of this bullshit i deserve the suffering and pain
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