#H J Ward art

[oakendesk]

Real Detective Jun 1940

Delos Palmer

Private Detective Stories Jun 1940

Hugh Joseph Ward

[plutoarttv]

liar. u know right after that photo he took a big munch

[atomic-chronoscaph]

art by H. J. Ward (1936)

[gameraboy2]

"Undercover Man" Private Detective, April 1942 Cover by H. J. Ward

[mudwerks]

Spicy Mystery Stories - February 1936 (Culture)

cover by H. J. Ward

[cooketimm]

Hardboiled #10-25 (1990-98) cover artwork by Bruce Timm

Interview from Cool Stuff Magazine #1 (1995):

Gary Lovisi: Much of your work is characterized by raw, intense energy and action, or beautiful women in stylish, dangerous settings. Some is obviously influenced by the pulps.

Bruce Timm: I’m big pulp fan, have been since the early 70s, when I started reading Doc Savage and Avenger reprints. I can’t really say how they’ve influenced my artwork much, except when doing pulp-homage stuff like the Bob Price books. But I do sometimes wish I was born decades earlier so I could have worked for some of the old pulps, which was why it was so much fun doing the Price stuff, and the «mock 50s» paperback covers for your Gryphon Books.

The hero pulps — Doc Savage, The Spider, The Shadow, etc — did have a big impact on my approach to the Batman cartoons. It’s something I tried to inject into the show from early on, the atmosphere, danger and illicit excitement, and especially that Norvell Page-type feeling of impending doom — the «doomed city» mood. It’s also why I set the sense in a timeless, 40s-styled world of big cars, padded shoulders, gangsters, shadowy streets, etc. I only wish we’d gone farther with it.  

For instance, my original version of Batman himself was actually close to the Shadow: rarely seen close-up, speaking in short, clipped phrases, more mysterious, literally. I wanted to play him cold and remote, almost unhuman. But the network and our various story editors would have none of that!  «We need to humanize him», «He needs to have a sense of humor», «We need to more about Bruce Wayne, the person», etc! Whereas I could care less about Bruce Wayne! He’s much more fascinating if you don’t know what he’s thinking, or what drives him.

A few «Shadowy» touches did survive. Batman is rarely seen be the public, almost never on TV. Even when dealing with the police, he’s usually off in shadows conferring with Commissioner Gordon only. And when he’s in the Batcave, he’s almost always in costume. My way of saying he’s Batman, not the other guy, not Bruce Wayne. Like Lamon Cranston, his true, «legal» identity is a facade.

I’ d love to do straight-ahead pulp hero adaptation someday. Doc or The Shadow or The Spider, either in comics or animation, without the senseless updating and over-explaining «character development» like in the Alec Baldwin-Shadow-fiasco-film.  

Gary Lovisi: Your stunning covers for my Hardboiled mag are very popular with everyone who sees them. What are your feelings on hardboiled crime-related art?

Bruce Timm: It’s hard, actually, to define «crime-fiction» art. There’s pulp crime-fiction art, and digest crime-fiction art, both of which cross over with paperback crime-fiction art. Basically, I’m a fan of good illustration. Period. Regardless of subject matter. Composition, emotionally intensity, color and lighting effects are what I look for. And pretty girls, of course!   

My favorite pulp crime artist is H. J. Ward, hands down. Gorgeous gals in twisty curvy poses, painted in luscious, creamy, wet-on-wet oil technique. My favorite paperback artists include Robert McGinnis, Robert Maguire, and Mitchell Hooks, the usual suspects.

My approach to the Hardboiled covers is different from my earlier «homage» work. When the covers were black and white, I used to experiment with different b&w textures, coquille board, zip-a-tone, xeroxed newsprint, whatever worked. Now that I’m doing them in color, I’m trying to make them as exciting and eye-catching as possible, with loud color, sexy gals, exaggerated action, and simple, graphic, almost cartoony styling.

[lord-of-the-prompts]

HORROR/THRILLER/SUSPENSEFUL STORY SETTINGS AND PLOT IDEAS:

[Feel free to use any prompt that shouts out to you! I would very much appreciate a tag if you post a story that was inspired by a prompt of mine! Happy writing everyone!]

A

amusement park (where the ride breaks down with everyone trapped on them, and there is a killer loose in the park…)

art gallery (where paintings trap visitors inside the frame and force them relive the scene the painting was based on...)

aquarium (where the protagonist gets trapped inside one of the shark tanks...)

B

basement (where the basement floods, there’s no way out, and there’s something weird swimming in the water…)

blood bank (where a blood bank is run by a vampire cult…)

board game cafe (where a group of teenagers are forced to play a game of snakes and ladders in real life, with real snakes and real ladders…)

bunker (where the captor holds his victim hostage in an old bunker and convinces the girl that he is protecting her from a world apocalypse…)

C

car (where a taxi driver picks up the wrong person and fears he may never live to tell the tale…)

castle (where the gargoyles come to life and attack the royal family…)

circus (where everyone who is hypnotized by the magician turns into a member of his unholy cult…)

D

desert (where a group of travellers are swept away by a sand storm and wake up in a haunted oasis…)

dungeon (where the visitors pay to torture subjects and the subjects are paid to be tortured…)

F

farmhouse (where the scarecrow comes to life and attempts to create a new body for himself with the farming family’s bodies…)

forest (where a lone hiker is caught in a bear trap in the woods and unable to escape, the bear is close by…)

G

graveyard (where the dead buried at the local cemetery come back to life and all the living people in the town die, except for you…)

H

haunted house (where a house manages to kill anyone who enters it…)

hotel (where the concierge is a vampire with a thirst for his visitors’ blood…)

house (where the family home falls into a sinkhole that leads straight to hell…)

I

island (where a new species of insect is discovered, and when the travellers get bitten, they start mutating into bugs…)

J

jungle (where a group of explorers start disappearing one by one during a rescue mission deep in the jungle…)

L

library (where the ghost of character killed off in a series haunts anyone who reads the book…)

M

military base (where a group of soldiers end up face to face against their canines who have somehow turned into werewolves…)

O

opera house (where the killer murders the musicians with their instruments...)

operating theatre (where an unwilling subject wakes up part way through the operation and is unable to move no matter how hard they try...)

P

prison (where the inmates are released from their cells and the officers are locked up in their place, leaving them at the complete mercy of the prisoners…)

psychiatric ward (where patients are forced to fight to the death in padded cells…)

pyramid (where archeologists discover an ancient tomb and unleash an ancient curse…)

R

railroad (where a cowboy spends his final hours repenting his sins as he lays tied to a railroad track…)

research centre (where the subjects loose the ability to either see, hear, or speak…)

S

sewer (where a family takes cover in the sewers when a nuclear missile is headed towards the city…)

shipwreck (where divers explore an ancient shipwreck, but the pirates are very much still alive and do not take well trespassers…)

space (where there is an explosion on ship leaving the crew without enough oxygen, there are only four extra tanks left, but there are six people…)

submarine (where there's an unknown killer aboard and no way to escape the deep ocean...)

T

tavern (where a knight is seduced and kidnapped by a handmaid who plans on avenging he sisters murder in the most heartless of ways…)

U

underwater (where evil merpeople kidnap scuba divers...)

university (where a group of students engineers create an artificial intelligence that goes rogue and attempts to create a real life body out of human remains…)

V

virtual reality (where virtual reality becomes a true reality, and to escape, 10 players have to survive all levels of the game, but after every level, the loser dies…)

Z

zoo (where the animals turn into zombies and attack their abusers…)

[embroideryobsession]

favourites: index

A

Aelis Alethea Alexander McQueen Alexis Mabille Anna Sui ASHI The Atelier Couture Azzedine Alaïa

B

Bibian Blue birds embroidery The Blonds

C

Cartier Chanel Chotronette Christian Lacroix Christian Siriano

D

Dilek Hanif Dior Dolce & Gabbana

E

Elie Saab

F

Fiori Couture Franck Sorbier

G

Georges Hobeika Giambattista Valli Guo Pei

H

handmade embroidery Hermione de Paula

I

Ines Di Santo Inga Ezergale Irina Atroscenko

J

Jean Paul Gaultier

L

Luisa Beccaria

M

Mak Tumang Marchesa Mary Katrantzou Metropolitan Museum of Art - The Costume Institute Mischka Aoki Monica Ivena MYOO Couture

N

Naeem Khan

O

officialhambly on aura tout vu Oscar de la Renta

P

Paolo Sebastian

R

Rahul Mishra Ralph & Russo Rami Al Ali Rami Kadi

S

Sherbon Sophie Couture Sottero and Midgley Stella Lunardy Sylvie Facon

T

Tamara Ralph Tarun Tahiliani Teuta Matoshi Tony Ward Tony Yaacoub

V

Valentier Atelier Valentino Viktor & Rolf vintage

W

Wulgaria

Z

Zari Embroideries Ziad Nakad Zuhair Murad

[madstronaut]

a little "palette" cleanser if you will 🎨 sorry i'll see myself out

obligatory faficowrimo masterlist link: https://www.tumblr.com/madstronaut/741107471699066880/faficowrimo-the-challenge-comment-on-every

Reading: imprimatura by @soapskneebrace

ahhhh one of the earliest soap fics i read and still makes me feel so tender and gooey when I think about it <3

I also loved how artist!reader’s first thoughts were “decadent muscle” HAHAHAHAHA SOAP WHO? I AM NOW CALLING HIM JOHN “DECADENT MUSCLE” MACTAVISH

“-his mouth rests at an angle that suggests he often smiles.”

fucking obsessed with this line!!!! what a description

Soap’s grip is firm, the kind of firm that suggests he can squeeze much, much tighter if he needs to. 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰yesplease

You turn his arm to see it more fully. “Oh. Nice tattoo.”

He looks at the ink as if it is entirely new to him, and then gives an easy grin. “Thanks. I’ve got a few more too. coughicanshowyounowprivatelycough Hope they aren’t hard to draw.”

this whole interaction has me shredding my pillow in my jaws - not letting go after a too long handshake? turning his arm to admire the tattoo? soap brain going brr and acting like he’s just seen his tattoo for the first time? RRRAGHAHHHGHG

i love how she clocks the colors for his eyes and skin and names of his specific muscles as they move too <3 ughh the artist reader is so well fleshed out which is a particular favorite of mine when it comes to fics <3

“It looks as if he’s moving around the sticks of vine charcoal with one outstretched finger; he pulls his hand guiltily away when you reenter the studio, crossing his arms over his chest as if to hide the evidence of his snooping.”

once again whoever at infinity ward came up with soap’s journal/sketches needs a fucking raise and promotion; it’s one of my favorite bits of canon about him and the idea of him picking it up again post-deployment just makes my heart absolutely a c h e

Beauty is cheap in art, but you notice it all the same—appreciate the strong brows, the hard angle of his jaw, the dark stubble of a beard you suspect he can’t keep shaved down, and the long scar that cuts through it across his chin. The light brown of his complexion is speckled with sun exposure, and there are the faintest of creases at the corners of his eyes, which you expect will deepen into genuine, gorgeous crow’s feet as he ages.

loved this whole exchange but that last line once again almost made me tear up knowing canonically, we won’t get the chance to see him age…but in fanfic we can and will 🥹🥹🥹

He looks at you, and catches your survey. You can see him realize you’d been watching, the knowledge of it blooming in ocean blue eyes like ink dropped onto linen.

obsessed with this last line. imho this whole fic and the way its written is a work of art itself 💙💙💙💙

And now he’s looking at you—attention flitting across your face, dropping down your body and jumping back up to meet your gaze. mmm soap can give me elevator eyes any time

His smile remains, cocksure and easy. “Let’s.” 

“That’s a shame. I’m right partial to it.”

the amount of rizz imprimatura!soap has got me full-body blushin i stg but also artist!reader setting him up to knock it out of the park with those comments? “we don’t do foreplay in this studio” MY SIBLING IN CHRIST DO YOU REALIZE THIS STATEMENT CANCELS ITSELF OUT

“There’s not a hard angle to you, all sweet and soft, but when you meet his gaze during introductions there’s a sharpness to you that skewers him through the chest.” i fucking loooooooove when writers describe the “at first sight” moments

The corners of your mouth tug upward, just a bit, and you look away, clearly bashful. Something in Soap’s chest starts beating a drum. my realtime reaction: 👅 👅 👅 👅🥰🥰🥰🥰 

“You should,” you say, and he looks at your thigh shamelessly as you pat it—even beneath your jeans, he can see the ripple of the impact. mm yes proud members of Thick Thigh Save Lives Club rise upppp

He can’t help it—Soap’s imagination runs wild. Titanic, draw-me-like-one-of-your-French-girls wild. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA this is canon to me you cannot change my mind

i am also loving the keep calm and carry on professionalism of artist!reader in the face of having to contend with seeing naked soap

he has to resist the urge to flex. Instead he watches you as you look at him.

these small revealing lil bits make me absolutely feral for this soap

He half-wishes he could step out of his body and join you, curious as he is about what you’re seeing, what your students will see. 

me too, sir, me too. i also love seeing artist!reader through soap’s eyes as well

“First time someone’s wanted to run away when I’m takin’ my clothes off, I won’t lie—” fucking CACKLING at this line

besides the absofuckinglutely incredible writing and fleshing out of this lil meetcute - i did see author's note that she drew on her own time as a fine art major <3 <3 <3 <3 and honestly some of the best stories ive read drew from IRL experiences by writers - but the suggestions and possibilities of this fic post-mwiii is what makes this such a favorite for me, peeking through a window into one of the what ifs? of another possible longer lifetime and lifeline for our beloved soap <3

so many chef's kisses and flowers being thrown at you from me bracey 💕💕💕

[mariaseizes]

[image description: This is a photo of a hand-stitched embroidered linen napkin in an embroidery hoop. It is a scene of a grandmother with her granddaughter sitting on her lap, and they are surrounded by flowers. It is primarily composed of satin stitches, and there are also lazy daisies used to make the leaves and flower petals, french knots to make some of the tinier, more delicate petals and parts of flowers, running stitches to hold parts together and create stems and outlines, and backstitches to create parts of clothing and stems. Below the scene is a piece of rose patterned cloth with writing that says: Nana & Maria, used from leftover fabric an earlier pattern two decades ago that the grandmother and daughter made of a pillow for the granddaughter's stuffed animal.]

✨Some Thoughts✨

This summer, I felt very moved by a piece I read called "Craft as Care-Full Correspondence" by Amber Ward and Jennifer Harness Wilkinson, where the two authors, who identify themselves as art educators and researchers, introduce craft as a "communal, political, and feminist art practice when pairing it with care-full correspondence as a method for artistic research and critical reflection." They embroidered their research reflections on old handkerchiefs and exchanged them back and forth with each other.

As someone who has been feeling the weight and speed of research within the academy, I felt my body yearning for this slowness. So, this summer, I decided to learn embroidery as I was continuing my research. Though I did not have a research partner engaging in the exchange with me, per say, I have been trying to learn more about what it means to take up a posthumanist methodology and practice, exploring slowly the works of theorists like Karen Barad, Rosi Braidotti, Donna Harraway, and others.

So, as I stitched, read, and listened, I found myself, as Barad writes,

"re-turn[ing] (to) the past", becoming entangled literally with my threads, and also entangled and re-turning within the "spacetime coordinate[s]" of Woodstock, NY, where my grandmother had first introduced my to the slow art of needle and thread. As Barad explores, the art of diffraction cannot bring one back to one specific spacetime coordinate- one moment, for example, the moment in time of sewing with my grandmother, "like all moments, is itself a diffracted condensation, a threading through of an infinity of moments-places-matterings, a superpositions/entanglement, never closed, never finished". It is for this reason that I feel so convinced by Ward and Harness's proposal of embroidery as a slow, care-full act. Through this embodied act of stitching, I was able to dialogue with my grandmother throughout time.

Barad, K. (2014). Diffracting diffraction: Cutting together-apart. Parallax, 20(3), 168–187. https://doi.org/10.1080/13534645.2014.927623

Ward, A., & Wilkinson, J. H. (2023). Craft as care-full correspondence. Visual Arts Research, 49(2), 19–33. https://doi.org/10.5406/visuartsrese.49.2.0019

[lboogie1906]

Omar Hashim Epps (July 20, 1973) is an actor, rapper, and producer. He has been awarded nine NAACP Image Awards, two Teen Choice Awards, one MTV Movie Award, one Black Reel Award, and one Screen Actors Guild Award. His film roles include Juice, Higher Learning, The Wood, In Too Deep, and Love & Basketball. His television work includes the role of Dr. Dennis Gant on the medical drama series ER, J. Martin Bellamy in Resurrection, Dr. Eric Foreman on House, and Isaac Johnson in Shooter.

He was born in Brooklyn. His parents divorced during childhood, and he was raised by his mother, Bonnie Maria Epps, an elementary school principal. He began writing poetry, short stories, and songs at the age of ten. He attended the prestigious Fiorello H. LaGuardia High School of Music & Art and Performing Arts. He belonged to a rap group called Wolfpack, which he formed with his cousin in 1991.

He married singer Keisha Spivey (2006) from the R&B group Total. They have two children. He has a daughter from a previous relationship. He is fluent in Spanish and French.

Mayor Freeman R. Bosley Jr. (July 20, 1954) was the 43rd mayor of St. Louis and the city's first African American mayor.

He graduated from Saint Louis University with a BA in Urban Affairs and Political Science. He received his JD from Saint Louis University School of Law. While a student at Saint Louis University, he was president of the Black Student Alliance and the Black-American Law Students Association. Upon graduation from law school, he was a staff attorney for Legal Services of Eastern Missouri, specializing in Consumer Affairs and Utility Companies. He has been employed by the law firm of Boast and Jordan.

He was selected as the first African-American St. Louis Circuit Clerk for the 22nd Judicial Circuit. He served as the 3rd Ward Democratic Committeeman. He became chairman of the St. Louis City Democratic Central Association and became the first African American chairman of the Democratic Party in St. Louis City.

He became the mayor with 66.5% of the vote. He oversaw the city's struggle during the Flood of 1993.

He assisted in orchestrating the $70 million bailouts of Trans World Airlines. He helped move the Los Angeles Rams football team to St. Louis from Anaheim. Two property tax increases were passed during his Administration.

He is married to Darlynn and they have two children. #africanhistory365 #africanexcellence

[oakendesk]

Spicy Mystery Stories Aug 1940

Hugh Joseph Ward

[ulkaralakbarova]

The story of Richard and Mildred Loving, an interracial couple, whose challenge of their anti-miscegenation arrest for their marriage in Virginia led to a legal battle that would end at the US Supreme Court. Credits: TheMovieDb. Film Cast: Richard Loving: Joel Edgerton Mildred Loving: Ruth Negga Grey Villet: Michael Shannon Sheriff Brooks: Marton Csokas Bernie Cohen: Nick Kroll Frank Beazley: Bill Camp Lola Loving: Sharon Blackwood Raymond Green: Alano Miller Garnet Jetter: Terri Abney Judge Bazile: David Jensen Phil Hirschkop: Jon Bass Theoliver Jeter: Christopher Mann Musiel Byrd-Jeter: Winter-Lee Holland Deputy: Michael Abbott Jr. Percy Fortune: Chris Greene Virgil: Will Dalton Chet Antieau: Matt Malloy Laura: Andrene Ward-Hammond Alex: D.L. Hopkins Hope Ryden: Jennifer Joyner Cousin Davis: Lance Lemon Cousin Gerald: Marquis Adonis Hazelwood Older Sydney: Brenan Young Older Donald: Dalyn Cleckley Older Peggy: Quinn McPherson Middle Sidney: Jevin Crochrell Middle Donald: Jordan Williams Jr. Middle Peggy: Georgia Crawford Toddler Sydney: Micah Claiborne Baby Sydney: Devin Cleckley Infant Sydney: Pryor Ferguson Clara – Cashier: Karen Vicks Reporter #1: Scott Wichmann Construction Worker: Benjamin Loeh Court Secretary: Bridget Gethins Store Pedestrian: Mark Huber Drag Race Spectator: James Matthew Poole Secretary: Coley Campany Secretary: Sheri Lahris Construction Worker: Jordan Dickey Telephone Man: Coby Batty Drag Race Spectator / Bar Patron: Chris Condetti Richard’s Racing Crew: Logan J. Woolfolk County Clerk: Robert Haulbrook Bricklayer: Keith Tyree Spectator: James Nevins Prisoner: W. Keith Scott Photojournalist: Tom Lancaster Street Walker: Lonnie M. Henderson Court Audience Member: Brian Thomas Wise Drag Race Spectator: Ken Holliday Antieau’s Secretary: Terry Menefee Gau Driver: Marc Anthony Lowe Racetrack Spectator: Jay SanGiovanni D.C Teen: Tyrell Ford Baby Boy #1: James Atticus Abebayehu Phil’s Dad: Jim D. Johnston …: Derick Newson Boarding House Boy: Miles Hopkins Construction Worker: Kenneth William Clarke Reporter: Robert Furner Secretary: Victoria Chavatel Jimison Field Hand / Drag Strip Attendee / Shot Gun Shack Attendee (uncredited): Darrick Claiborne Courtroom Spectator (uncredited): Raymond H. Johnson Drag Race Driver: Dean Mumford Pregnant Girl: Rebecca Turner Magistrate: Mike Shiflett County Jailer: Greg Cooper Supreme Court Reporter: A. Smith Harrison Press Conference Reporter: Keith Flippen Soundman: Jason Alan Cook Courtroom Spectator (uncredited): Lucas N. Hall Film Crew: Director: Jeff Nichols Editor: Julie Monroe Producer: Peter Saraf Executive Producer: Jack Turner Executive Producer: Jared Ian Goldman Executive Producer: Brian Kavanaugh-Jones Unit Production Manager: Sarah Green Art Direction: Jonathan Guggenheim Casting: Francine Maisler Production Design: Chad Keith Storyboard: Nancy Buirski Associate Producer: Oge Egbuono Producer: Colin Firth Producer: Marc Turtletaub Set Decoration: Adam Willis Producer: Ged Doherty Unit Production Manager: Will Greenfield Costume Design: Erin Benach Music Supervisor: Lauren Mikus Original Music Composer: David Wingo Still Photographer: Ben Rothstein Director of Photography: Adam Stone Script Supervisor: Jean-Paul Chreky Special Effects Coordinator: Gary Pilkinton Special Effects Technician: Trevor Smithson Property Master: A. Patrick Storey First Assistant Director: Cas Donovan Second Assistant Director: Tommy Martin Stunt Driver: Dean Mumford Key Makeup Artist: Katie Middleton Second Second Assistant Director: Ben LeDoux Construction Buyer: Roslyn Blankenship Assistant Property Master: Hannah Ross Dialogue Editor: Brandon Proctor Genetator Operator: Maxwel Fisher Post Production Supervisor: Susan E. Novick Boom Operator: Proctor Trivette Leadman: Stephen G. Shifflette Second Assistant “A” Camera: Stephen McBride Sound Effects Editor: David Grimaldi Foley Mixer: Judy Kirschner Makeup Department Head: Julia Lallas Hairstylist: Brian Morton Sound Effects Editor: Joel Dougherty ADR Mixer: Chris Navarro Sound Effects Editor: P.K. Hooker ...

[atomic-chronoscaph]

Spicy Detective Stories - Cover art by H. J. Ward (1934-1942)

[gameraboy2]

"Runaway" Speed Adventure, March 1943 Cover by H. J. Ward

[sirchubbybunny]

It's almost 2:30am and I'm sick. I'm also full of feelings listening to a playlist I compiled for a friend, and while I'm polishing it up, I'm looking over Reddit to kill time until I feel well enough to sleep.

I just came across a family drama thread and it made me think about my grandma passing away last week. I still have weird feelings about it for a lot of reasons. I was disconnected from her and my grandpa at a young age due to my parents separating as a toddler and I never got to see them more than a few times before I refused to see my dad and step mom at some point.

My grandpa died sometime in the late 90s or start of the 2000s, which I had to find out the hard way. She outlived him by 23 or so years and I'm just thankful I got to see her one more time, a few months before the pandemic. In spite of all her health issues and dementia, my cousins [H & J] told me that she still remembers all of us - even me. I think she was okay with me being trans, too, which was what I was worried about.

The news about her dying was quiet. Subtle. J changed her profile picture to her holding someone's hand. Then, changed her banner to her and her sister [H], and our grandma together. The profile picture was my major hint and the banner confirmed it before I heard. Fast forward about two hours and my mom comes to me. I already know what she's going to ask.

"Have you heard the news?"

Yeah, I kind of drew my conclusion from the other side of the family.

That's when she told me that, out of nowhere, the phone rang. It was my dad. He said my grandma died and he was on his way to the hospital. My dad went radio silent on me ten years ago after I tried to reconnect with him and my step mom for support when I was coming out. They even visited me when I was in the ward. Then, after being involuntarily committed months later - nothing.

They weren't returning any my calls from the hospital payphone. They weren't returning my mom's calls or texts from any our numbers. This continued to happen after I got out, along with emails going unanswered. It was like they vanished. I didn't know until I met with H and grandma years later that she and J did some Scooby-Doo detective work and figured out he was still somewhat local, but farther out. If I go down a certain road, I can still find the last place the two of them lived when they drove me out to clear my head.

I was doing well for myself. He made a choice to go no contact with me, not the other way around. If he wanted to find me, he could have. I just accepted the silence as his answer.. But now, after all this time. Why he decided to pop his head back in by phone and not even bother to ask for me is what I don't get. I think he knows I met with H and my grandma, too. How, I'm not sure, unless I'm thinking about my mom saying she knows I met with them and not him hearing it through the grape vine.

I was working on coming to terms with him being out of the picture. I was sad and angry ten years ago. I was able to channel that into art. I was doing better. I thought I was. Now I feel like I'm devolving back to square one again and figuring out how to start over since I feel like it's just hanging over my head that maybe this time, things will be different.

Fuckin daddy issues at most 3am here. What a shit show note to bring us to the end of the year, right?