#Guess what 22 year old just tried tampons for the first time?

[chartreuxcatz]

A little TMI post but you opt in by reading the tags.

[thephantomofthe-internet]

Afternoons at the Hawkins Community Pool

Billy Hargrove x Reader

Word Count: 5,056

Warnings: Drowning, blood, hints at abuse, drug use, swearing

Author’s Note: GUESS WHO’S BACK, BACK AGAIN? MADDIE’S BACK, TELL A FRIEND! First fic finished in literal months hello yes I still write! I’m not washed up! Is this any good? I don’t know. Is this even a romance? No clue. Will anyone read it? PLEASE DO LMAO

Tags: This is my old list, if you want to be added or removed, shoot me an ask! @hotstuffhargrove @casaharrington @thechickvic @alex--awesome--22 @lilmissperfectlyimperfect @so-not-hotmess @hipsmcgee @carolimedanvers

“It’s show time, ladies.”

Judging by the switch in the squad of middle aged women who made the west deck their pride rock, Billy Hargrove’s shift had begun.

You only had two hours left of your shift now. Once Billy got on deck, you could finally take a break. Fucking Heather always took an hour instead of the allotted thirty minute break, claiming to be easily susceptible to heat stroke.

As if you weren’t.

Still, now that her shift was over, everything would calm down.

Most people were either enraptured or absolutely terrified by Billy. He was…difficult to deal with.

Sure, he was sweet to the adults of the pool; the people who didn’t get in the way were always a favourite of the staffers, but to the kids? He was a menace. You didn’t understand why he’d take a job where he’d have to prioritize the safety of children.

As if on cue, Billy began his stupid strut to the south chair. You always took the north side, where the sun didn’t hit so hard. This gave Billy ample opportunity to strut around the deck like a peacock, smirking at the moms in heat, drooling over him.

“Afternoon ladies,” he crooned as he passed and you swore that at least three of them passed out from the sheer excitement of it all. He nodded to Mrs. Wheeler. Here came the cincher, the line that would make the group’s dreams come true and fuel their fantasies for weeks.

“Dig the new suit, Mrs. Wheeler.” He gave her a nod, chewing on something. If you had to guess, it was probably cinnamon gum. His breath always stunk of the stuff after shifts.

You averted your gaze after that; you knew exactly what would happen next. Billy would climb up onto his post and the ladies would check out his ass, giggling to themselves and high fiving Mrs. Wheeler for earning his attention for the day.

The image of Mrs. Wheeler’s sharply manicured hand gripping the top of her deckchair, mouth half open in utter lust, red lipstick smeared over the lines of her lips and eyes half closed as she stared at him climbing into the chair was something that would stick in your mind for the rest of the shift.

And then there was you on the other end of the pool, watching them like a creep.

Maybe you were the problem.

You had taken the job at the Hawkins Community Pool purely because it was tradition. You took the job every year, strapping into the bright red one piece with your hair pulled tight into a ponytail at the top of your head. You liked the job: the smell of chlorine and the sounds of happy kids splashing in the cold water. It was a relaxing job-most days nothing bad happened. The kids in town all took swim lessons in the winters one town over. Carmel had a heated indoor pool and a great deal on group swim lessons on weekends. You hadn’t seen a kid have a problem in the pool in three summers.

Today, someone had a problem.

You had just climbed out of your chair to head for your break. You were more than ready to step into the lush air conditioning of the office. Your back had only been turned for a second, Billy was supposed to be watching the pool anyway. But when you turned back you heard a scream.

Some weird kid had fallen into the deep end without a lifejacket. He couldn’t have been older than five. You quickly looked up to Billy.

That little fucking bitch.

He was flirting with Mrs. Wheeler.

You blew hard into your whistle, letting out a loud blast before taking off in a full sprint towards the deep end. You dove quickly into the pool and swam up to the kid before grabbing him under the armpits and swimming him into the shallow end, lifting him onto the deck and letting him cough and sputter.

“Do you need assistance? Can you breathe?” you asked quickly, catching your own breath. You had to ensure the victim was actually in need of medical assistance before you performed any life saving manoeuvres on them. The kid nodded quickly as an older man rushed up, bending down to rub his back. The kid immediately broke into tears, gripping tightly onto the man’s legs.

“Thank you.” The man said quickly, picking up the boy, who hugged him like his life depended on it. You assumed he was the parent and didn’t ask any more questions. Usually, you lay in with questions, but the kid couldn’t be more shook up. You watched to see where they’d go, letting out a relieved sigh when the group returned to the Wilson family, all examining the boy. He must be a cousin of theirs, in town for the weekend or something. You could go on your break with the knowledge that you hadn’t let a strange kid go off with an even stranger man who he didn’t know.

You blew your whistle again and pool activities resumed, although more cautiously. Now, you could start your break. But first, a quick pit stop.

You marched your way over to Billy and Mrs. Wheeler. It was as though they lived in their own bubble that sound couldn’t penetrate. Neither of them seemed to notice the commotion or hear the whistle blow. Mrs. Wheeler just kept laughing at whatever Billy was saying. She reached out to bat his arm and her fingers grazed there just a bit too longer, although neither of them noticed.

It was utterly disgusting.

You tapped Billy hard on his shoulder. He didn’t turn around. You tried again. Same response. You let out a loud, annoyed cough. Mrs. Wheeler didn’t even bat an eye at you and she could see you just over his shoulder. You finally blew a hard, short tweet into the whistle, effectively taking out Billy’s eardrum.

He turned fast, his face pulled into a sneer that you could only smile at. “What?” he snapped bitterly, fists clenched at his sides.

“Just wanted to make sure you could still hear. Since you missed the two other times I blew my whistle.” You replied, your fake smile turning sarcastic as you held his gaze.

“Sorry, I must have been distracting him, I’m sure he heard.” Mrs. Wheeler cut in, placing a manicured hand on his shoulder. She looked too proud of that fact, her lustful gaze unhealthy looking.

“That’s alright Mrs. Wheeler.” You looked over her shoulders briefly, catching sight of her group packing up to leave. Your smile turned to a malicious smirk “Oh, your friends seem to be leaving. If you don’t have your locker key, you should go grab it before they leave, don’t want to have your purse get stuck again.”

The last three times she’d come to the pool, she’d given her key to Mrs. Carol Simpson, whose son Billy had threatened to ban upon entering the deck. Mrs. Wheeler ended up stranded without her key, her bag locked in the locked with no way of getting it out. She had to have the janitor of the pool open her locker with the master key and then, to make matters worse, she had to prove that the stuff was hers. All of her things were dumped on the deck as she tried to prove that her granny panties and tampons were hers based on the shrill cries that there was a Minnie Mouse keychain on her purse. She got her stuff back, at the expense of her humility.

“I gave my key to the front desk, won’t lose it again.” Mrs. Wheeler chuckled proudly, an embarrassed flush creeping up her neck and ears.

“Oh, then you should ensure that they still have it. Mara is not the brightest bulb in the bunch, she’d lose her head if it wasn’t screwed on.” You replied, matching her laugh. Mrs. Wheeler’s smile dropped and she rushed off without another word.

You turned your attention back to Billy, your smile dropping away. “I’m going on my break, can you actually do your job while I’m gone.” You snapped bitterly.

“I was. Customer satisfaction is a key part of our job.” He made a big deal out leering at Mrs. Wheeler’s ass as she bent over to grab her things off the chair.

You scoffed “Watch the fucking pool, Hargrove, Mrs. Wheeler and her saggy ass will be back tomorrow.” You turned dramatically on your heel and stomped off.

You could scream. That boy was so…so…fucking frustrating! He was a nuisance and a pervert and a showboater and god, just a pig! All year he’d done nothing but screw anything in a skirt, just whoring around all year and making a mockery of some very nice girls. And now, now he decides to be a one woman man. And the woman is a married mother of three. What the fucking fuck??? How nasty! And she was into it? God who knew Karen Wheeler was a creep? Lock up your sons, mothers of Hawkins, Mrs. Wheeler is on the prowl for jailbait! It made you sick just thinking about it.

Even stepping into the cool office didn’t alleviate the feeling of heat stroke on your skin. You decided that you’d take a cold shower before eating. You couldn’t eat much, you had to go back out to the pool and potentially swim after eating. Usually, you’d take forty-five minutes instead of thirty since nobody was watching anyway, but Billy was distracted today and you didn’t want to risk him fucking up because you were being selfish with your break.

You plopped into the wheeling desk chair, sprawling your limbs and taking in the cold air blasting in the room. You let out a satisfied sigh, letting your head fall back and your eyes flutter shut. You could die happy in the air conditioning.

Billy Hargrove was such an ass. You’d never allow yourself to sleep with him. Not that he’d ever want to, you weren’t exactly his type. You were his lab partner that year and you had heard him on more than one occasion telling Tommy about how ‘shrill’ and ‘annoying’ you were. It wasn’t your fault that you weren’t going to sit around and do all the work for the both of you. And it benefited him! His highest grade that year was in fucking science! He thanked you at the end of the semester! Sure, it was a forced and uncomfortable thank you, and you didn’t need to know that it was his highest grade that year, but still! You two should be good! You should be fine! But instead, you were the shrill bitch who tells him what to do at work. God, you didn’t want to be the awful co-worker, the ‘shrill bitch’ that everyone gossiped about and made fun of, but somebody had to take the job seriously! And not seriously like Billy did, who got out his aggression by yelling at kids and threatening to ban them for the most minor infractions, even though the pool didn’t have a banning system period. No, you had to be the boring, mean one who saved lives and got shit done.

Everybody else got to have fun, you just had to work.

You let your head lull towards the window, peaking out at the pool from the half closed blinds. There was a pack of girls around your age surrounding the lifeguard chair, trying to engage Billy in conversation. God, that’s such a safety hazard, how the hell was he supposed to get down quickly in the event of an emergency? He should tell them to move back away from the ladder. Not that he was even paying attention to them; his eyes were on the pool, watching someone swim across the pool with a half smile. He was ignoring the girls, which was expected, but you were glad to see that…wait.

That’s Mrs. Wheeler.

Jesus Christ this guy!

You groaned, pushing yourself up off the chair and heading into the locker rooms, turning on a shower and blasting cold water over yourself. The initial shiver and burn of the freezing water faded fast and soon Billy Hargrove and his stupid thing face were far from your mind. Every one of your senses was heightened by the icy water that was soaking into your skin. You felt utterly refreshed and calm again. He was far from your mind and so was work in general. As your muscles began to slowly unfurl and release tension, your mind led you to the wonderfully comfortable world of the novel you’d left behind.

You were Anne Shirley on that bridge, waiting glumly for her Gilbert to arrive. And there he was-in his silly bloomers and flat cap, white shirt half buttoned and that smarmy look and that stupid mullet and-fuck. Your eyes shot open. God you couldn’t escape him! Billy fucking Hargrove was intruding on your comfortable dreams in rural 1910s Canada. God, it was weird enough that you were fantasizing about rural 1910s Canada, you didn’t dumbass Billy with his ugly ass tattoo creeping in to make it worse.

You turned off the water, checking the numberless clock over the doors leading out into the pool. Your break was just about over anyway. With a heavy sigh, you headed back out into the blinding sun, tightening your ponytail and climbing back into your chair.

You heard a loud blast from the whistle across the pool. “Hey! No running!” Billy barked from across the pool. Most of the people at the pool turned to look at him, except the pudgy kid who’d started running again. The kid didn’t stop this time, his mother gone now, and he barrelled over a little girl. She went down hard. You grabbed the first aid kit off the back of your chair, walking calmly over to the little girl.

“Hi there, are you alright?” you asked, kneeling down next to her. There was blood running down her tiny leg and cheek, two large scraps from the rough deck that made her skin ragged.

The little girl shook her head, sniffling loudly. She was holding back her tears, trying to be brave. It was very cute. “Can I help you?” you asked, offering her a small smile.

“I’m not supposed to talk to strangers…” the little girl muttered, shaking her head with a quivering lip.

“Well, I’m Y/N, I’m a lifeguard here. What’s your name?”

“Sylvia…” she muttered again, wiping her eyes hard with the back of her tiny hand.

“It’s nice to meet you Sylvia. Can I take a look at those cuts?” you asked. The little girl nodded and you opened the kit. You hadn’t noticed that Billy was looming over you, casting a shadow over you.

“You…okay here?” he asked awkwardly, earning your attention briefly.

“Yeah, we’re okay. You wanna go handle that kid? Ban him or something?” you replied, turning your gaze back to the alcohol swab in hand. “Now, this is gonna sting a little, okay? If it hurts too much you can squeeze my hand.” You offered her your spare hand as you wiped the wound gently.

Billy stood there longer than he should have. He knew he looked weird. He knew he should be tearing that fucking kid a new one. But there you were, smiling at some snot nosed kid, letting her squeeze your hand with her grubby little fingers, putting Barbie Band-Aids on her cuts and checking her head for bumps. You looked so…pretty. You had this look on your face; he’d seen it before when you were reading in class, the world tuned out except for the words on the page. Your eyes crinkled in the corners and lit up bright, your lips curled into a smile that creased your cheeks and scrunched your nose. You pulled a lollipop from the kit, and he knew that you had added those yourself, his didn’t have those. You sent the kid on her way, standing up again and brushing the gravel off your knees.

“You get that kid?” you asked, clicking the kit closed.

Billy swallowed “Nah, he wasn’t worth it.” he said smoothly, trying not to cringe. Since when does he give mercy to kids?

You rolled your eyes “The one time I want you to raise hell, you let a kid slide? You’re losing your touch, Hargrove…” you smirked, walking back to your chair. No faster than you turned away, Billy rushed off to kick that kid’s ass.

He never did what anyone told him. He didn’t know why this time it mattered.

The last hour and a half of your shift surprisingly flew by. And when it was time for Billy’s break, you didn’t even mind staying behind to watch the pool. You pulled the lines across the pool by yourself, preparing for the switch to the adult swim. Mike Wheeler and his grubby friends burst in while you were working.

“The pool area is closed right now. Please wait in the change rooms.” You said, not bothering to look over at the group.

“Is my mom still here?” Mike asked with an annoyed sigh.

“She left about an hour ago.” You replied.

“She said she was gonna drive us home!”

“Is Billy here?” a redheaded girl stepped directly into your view. You recognized her vaguely as Billy’s stepsister, you thought her name was Max but you weren’t sure.

“Yeah, he’s still on the clock for another two hours.”

“Fine, we’ll wait.” She snapped.

You finally looked up at the group, all milling around in their street clothes. You sighed “Okay, you can’t be on the deck in your street shoes. And you can’t be here during adult swim. You’re not adults.” You explained boredly. You turned back towards the office, catching sight of Billy spinning around in the desk chair, banging his head to whatever he was playing through his headphones.

“Follow me.” You said, heading towards the office. You didn’t bother to knock on the door, throwing it open without caution or fear. Not that Billy noticed, he was flailing along to what sounded like, through the muffled sound of his headphones, We Are Not Alone from the Breakfast Club movie. It certainly wasn’t the heavy metal that he associated himself with.

“Hargrove.” You got no response; he did another spin and a dramatic kick. You held back a laugh. He looked so silly. Dare you say…cute? That was something you didn’t think you’d ever say.

“Hargrove!” you cried. He pulled off his headphones quickly, practically jumping out of the chair. You swore there was a light blush on his face, although he could plausibly say it was a sunburn.

“What?!?” He snapped.

“You’re um…you’re stepsister is here…she’s looking for a ride home. What do you want me to tell her?” you asked awkwardly, your hand subconsciously coming to your left arm, rubbing your upper arm awkwardly.

Billy’s scowl dropped away, his face draining of colour “Oh shit um…shit it’s like seven, right?” you nodded awkwardly “Fuck…I gotta get her home…shit. Um, I might be late coming back can you just watch for like ten minutes, I’ll be back I just I gotta-”

You cut him off “I can handle the close for tonight, if you wanna just stay there.” You offered against your better judgement. Usually, you’d never offer to take a close. Closing a pool sucks ass. But…he just looked so utterly freaked out. He looked scared.

“You sure? I can come back, gimme like twenty minutes I can-”

“Nah, I can do two more hours. It’s adult swim, nothing happens anyway.” You replied with a shrug. Billy nodded, rushing out of the room and grabbing the nosy redhead, pushing her out.

He didn’t even say thank you.

Fucking dick.

You rolled your eyes. It wouldn’t be that bad. You finished putting out the lines and took your seat at the furthest end of the pool. As always, the usual old people came in and did their laps. The two hours went by incredibly slow and you wished you’d just offered to drive the brats home. But the hours were great and, luckily, the crowd finished their swim thirty minutes before the pool closed and nobody else came in. You closed off the pool and locked the gates, taking your sweet time to milk the extra minutes out of your shift. You left the pool with damp, clean hair and dried out skin.

You came home to an empty house, your mother promising to be home by ten. There were leftovers in the fridge. You were ready to settle in to a night at home. You slicked your skin in lotion and changed into dry, warm clothes. You piled up your dirty clothes and started a load of swimsuits. You wanted to watch a movie, but you hadn’t gone to the video store before work so all you had were your parent’s crappy recordings of movies from their era, which you had no interest in.

You had an empty house and nothing to do. Then it hit you.

You had a joint in your vent. You cousin Casey finally came in clutch. But you couldn’t smoke it in the house. The smell lingered too long, you’d get caught. You grabbed your keys, your purse, and the joint, scribbling at the bottom of your mother’s note that you’d be back by curfew.

You could hide out anywhere. You always chose the same spot though, out by the quarry where death haunted the weak of heart. The rumour was that the dead body found out there two years prior was actually Will Byers and he’d been replaced by a doppelganger. Either way, the area is supposed to be haunted by the dead little boy found there. You weren’t scared of ghosts which meant that you were always the only person out there. It became your little spot.

The drive there was short and sweet, you’d barely made it through the first song on your driving playlist. You parked close to the water’s edge, turning up your stereo and taking a seat on the hood of your car. You always chose the furthest edge of the quarry, where no one would bother you.

A car pulled up too close to you. You could’ve screamed.

And then you recognized the driver.

“Kill me now…”

Billy stumbled out of the car. His knuckles were bleeding. He had a cut under his eye. He looked…fucking pissed.

“Am-scra, freak.” He snapped, not looking over to see who actually was there.

“You scram, asshole, I was here first.” You snapped back, digging through your purse for a lighter, joint held firmly between your teeth.

Billy didn’t move. He took his seat on the hood of his own car, wrapping gauze tightly around his knuckles, knotting it roughly behind his fingers.

You sighed. You didn’t have a lighter. Hargrove did. You scowled turning to him as he struggled with the wrapping around a Band-Aid, losing it into the quarry.

You pulled one from your bag, holding it out to him “I’ll trade you for a light.” He turned to you with a scowl, looking over the scene. He nodded gruffly, pulling his steel lighter from his back pocket and flicking it open. You leaned over, letting the flame burn the end and start off the joint. You passed him the Band-Aid, which he immediately lost into the dirt.

You pulled another from your bag, letting out a puff from the joint before reaching into your bag. You pulled out your last Band-Aid, jumping off the hood.

“This is my last one. Let me do it.” you replied, pulling open the paper and stepping closer. Billy leaned away defiantly. You sighed, pulling the joint from your lips. “Relax, smoke this, I’m not gonna frisk you or anything.” You said, handing him the joint. He took it without another word, not complaining about free drugs.

You carefully pealed back the Band-Aid, sticking it to the delicate skin of his under eye, covering the cut. You smiled at your work, pulling your hands away from his face quickly. You took the joint back, returning to your seat.

Billy stared at you for a beat too long and you noticed. You caught his eye, raising an eyebrow at him. “What’s your problem?” you asked.

“None of your damn business.” He snapped back angrily, defensively.

You scoffed, rolling your eyes “Geez, chill out man. You were the one staring at me…”

Billy turned away dramatically, crossing his arms over his chest. You noticed for the first time that evening that he was still in his work clothes. You averted your gaze quickly, not wanting to get caught.

Billy spoke first. He didn’t have to, but he did. “Why are you so fucking nice to everyone?” he asked, almost whispering.

“What’d you mean?” you asked, keeping your eyes trained on the smooth, still water pooled just a foot from your feet.

“You helped some kid with a scraped knee, you saved the dumb kid who fell in, you helped me twice, you helped Karen Wheeler-” he listed off bitterly.

“Okay, one: helping those kids is literally our job. And helping you…well, you needed the help and watching you try to open a Band-Aid with your messed up hand was kind of pathetic.” You replied with a laugh. Billy rolled his eyes, turning away from you slightly.

“And…I didn’t exactly help Mrs. Wheeler. I needed her to go away so I could yell at you. She could report me and get me fired if she saw me being pissy with her favourite lifeguard.” You added, looking away.

“Karen wouldn’t do that.” He replied, looking over to you again “You gonna bogart that?” he asked, reaching out for the joint.

“Didn’t think I was sharing.” You passed it to him nonetheless.

“You can’t finish it on your own. I’m helping you.” He took a long drag, coughing on the end as the smoke filled his lungs. “This is shit.”

“It’s better than what Tommy buys.” You replied with a shrug.

“Tommy has shit taste.” He passed it back to you.

You took a long drag, finding courage in the cloudy feeling in your brain to ask a question burning in the back of your mind.

“So what the fuck is up with you and Mrs. Wheeler? Are you actually screwing her or is she just making a scene everyday for no reason?”

Billy chuckled “I’m not telling you.”

You made a face “That’s so fucking gross…she’s your stepsister’s friend’s mom, man. She’s got like three kids.”

Billy’s cocky look slipped away “I know, Y/N.”

“And you still want to screw her? Dude, that’s nasty.”

“I never said I wanted to screw her.”

You gasped loudly “Billy, do I need to call the cops?”

“No! Jesus, Y/N…” he groaned, slapping the hood of his car with a frustrated look “Look, I’m not fucking screwing her.”

“Ohhhh….”

“You tell anyone that and I’ll fucking kill you.” He warned, leaning over to get in your face. You hadn’t realized how close you two were until that moment. You’d both subconsciously moved as close as you could to one another, each of your spare legs hanging off the side, close enough to kick each other but far enough to not have to awkwardly touch.

“Got it, dude. Not like anyone would believe me. You’ve proved yourself to be believed on that front.” You muttered, silently puffing away.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked. He sounded sadder than you expected him to ever sound.

“I mean��everyone in school knows that you’re this…this macho man, de-virginator or some shit,” Billy burst out laughing and you blushed crimson, turning away. “I’m serious! Everyone knows that you get whoever you want.”

“I’ve never gotten you.” He said with a shrug.

“Yeah well I’m a ‘shrill bitch’, remember? Not exactly worth much bragging rights wise.” You countered. Billy didn’t reply, he looked out at the quarry silently.

“Nobody said that.”

“Nobody had to, Hargrove, I hear what you and your friends say. You don’t have to pretend that I’m some prize.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I’ve literally heard you and Tommy laugh about annoying I am, how I’m shrill and shit. Don’t play stupid.”

Billy didn’t reply immediately, pulling his knees up to his chest.

“I don’t think you’re shrill. You’re a bitch sometimes, but you’re not shrill.” He said quietly.

“Thanks?”

“I mean…you’re cool. You’re good at your job and you’re nice to everyone and you’re hot and you’re smart and shit. You’re chill. Fuck Heather and her friends if they say shit.” He said to the quarry instead of you.

You smiled softly “Thanks, Hargrove…you’re not too terrible either.”

Billy chuckled “Thanks…”

You were both silent for a moment, staring out at the lake. Billy spoke first. “If I don’t tell anyone about it, can I kiss you?”

You furrowed your brow “Why would you want to?” you asked incredulously.

“Why wouldn’t I?” he shot back. You didn’t have an answer to that question. You dropped off the hood of your car, walking up in between his knees, wrapping your hands around his neck.

“You tell anyone about this and I’ll tell everyone about you and Wheeler.” You said, unable to hide the little twinge of nerves in your voice.

He smiled cockily “Deal.” He pulled you down to him by your neck, pressing his mouth to your demandingly, pressing himself up against you and wrapping a free hand around your lower back, fingertips inching towards your ass. Every inch of him was made of fire and it was catching every one of your nerves, igniting them. Your fingers dug into his curls and your nails scraped his scalp. You let out a whimper as his teeth dug into your lower lip and you tugged on his curls.

You broke the kiss first, pressing your palms into his chest and taking a deep, slow breath. He smirked up at you and you found yourself smiling back.

“Friends?” he asked cockily, pressing the joint into your half open mouth.

“Sure…” you breathed out, taking a long drag off the joint.

[mtvswatches]

Wynonna Earp 1x03 Leavin’ On Your Mind

Spoilers disclaimer (please read before sending messages or writing comments.)

Stray thoughts

1) I already ship this… Is this a thing? Please, don’t tell me!

I can’t really tell if Wynonna is truly being flirtatious or if this is her way of figuring him out because she doesn’t trust him. I mean, you can be attracted to someone who you don’t trust, so there’s that.

2) Oh, wow, don’t you just hate it when you’re fumbling with your bag and a bloody chopped off hand falls and everyone sees it? #awkward

So what do these guys need Dixon’s diary for? And why are they carrying a chopped hand around as if it was a freaking tampon?

3) So… revenants just have a thirst for murder? I haven’t seen them feeding off anyone, but they do seem to get off on killing people right?

4) Sounds like Giles…

5) Ha!

6) Oh shit indeed!

7)

DOC: “Bravery” is just a fancy word for “stupid”.

I predict I’ll see him do tons of stupid things, then.

8) Yep, Doc is definitely giving me Spike vibes…

9) The guy’s hand is being chopped off and all Wynonna can think is that he’s going to miss his bus!!

10) Okay, so these revenants need three things – the voice of a mute, the hand of an innocent murderer, and something else paradoxical – to perform a spell that will let them out of the limits of the Ghost River Triangle. Cool, cool, cool.

11) Waverly is quite clever, actually. She has figured out “Henry’s” fib, but instead of calling him out on it, she’s playing along to see what else she can get out of him. Like, why is he pretending to be someone he isn’t?

12) Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm, how convenient… Wynonna decides to visit her dad’s and sister’s graves at the same time the revenant is trying to find something for the spell…

13) “Look at that body. I call dibs!” I’m guessing he’s not talking about fucking him, right? So, he’s either going to kill him or eat him. Or… Can revenants switch bodies?

14)

DOLLS: Give this to whoever's in charge. And…

WYNONNA: Never get into a vehicle, never move to a second location.

DOLLS: You've been in a hostage situation before?

WYNONNA: Sort of…

What does this mean? And why is she smirking? Was she a hostage or did she hold someone hostage? I need to know!

15) Dolls keeps giving me Giles vibes, but then again, Giles would never do this with Buffy…

16) I’m guessing Waverly is going to get super pissed at Wynonna putting herself in danger without even considering how this could affect her sister… (edit: Never mind, she didn’t get pissed because of this, she just wanted in on the action.)

17) They’re not releasing all the hostages because they need three of them… Three humans? For the spell, right?

18) Oh… so this is why Bobo is the Big Boss…

DOC: See, unlike your type, I can roam far and wide. Although from what I hear around your little enclave, some of your cronies, oh, they're itching to wander too.

BOBO: Well, they can try, but the only way out of the Triangle is with me.

19) So, this “Stone Witch” is the woman Doc was trying to find on the newspapers? And knowing her name gives you some sort of power? Is that why Bobo can walk out of the boundaries? Was she the one who put the spell that set the boundaries in the first place? So many questions! 

20) So the Stone Witch chose these three backward revenants to perform the spell… They said they needed three of them… are they going to switch bodies with humans so that they can walk outside the boundaries of Ghost River Triangle? Could that be?

21) What kind of life has Wynonna been living, though? How does she know how to open a fucking safe?

22) Waverly has figured it out, right?

Is this the name of the Stone Witch? And why is she called the Stone Witch?

23) Doc is acting all tough and trying to humiliate and scare Waverly, but I bet her words will resonate with him…

WAVERLY: I know what you're supposed to be. You're supposed to be a hero. You're supposed to be Wyatt Earp's best friend! You're supposed to be here to help us! 

I don’t want my instincts to be wrong about him. I really hope he turns out to be one of those morally ambiguous characters who eventually choose to fight the good fight.

24) So a loveless heart was the third item… Rather poetic…

25) Okay, so they needed the three hostages to use them as shields, forget all my previous speculation.

26)

REVENANT: You know Marty here's been put down three times?

WYNONNA: Third-generation revenant?

REVENANT: Three times down south, you'd go a little psychotic too.

I really like this tidbit of mythology, how the revenants get more evil with each reincarnation. It makes sense, too. Spending that much time in Hell, and then being back… I would also be hella pissed at those who sent me down there. I also wonder if we will meet revenants who’ve been put down more than three times. How evil can you get, you know?

27) Okay, so they’re only doing the spell for the Stone Witch so that she will let them out of the boundaries. I guess I suck at predicting storylines, good.

28) Well, I didn’t mention this before but I swear on my dog that I did know Wynonna would be carrying a GPS device or a microphone or something…

29) DAMN IT I WAS RIGHT!!!

REVENANT: The old man's not gonna make it. Cowboy's the only good one left.

WYNONNA: That's why you need Champ's body? For some sort of, like, possession?

CHAMP: What? In my body?! Wynonna, I don't even put gluten in this!

WYNONNA: Then you can walk across the line in human form.

(BTW, I loved Champ’s gluten line)

30) I DIED!

31) I’m sorry, Shorty, but it totally made sense for him to be the one to suck in the revenant’s “soul” or whatever. He was about to die, after all.

32) “Give me straight-up death instead of being sent to hell and back over and over.” This totally makes sense. I wonder if there are revenants who actually feel like this, who would prefer to be put down forever – even if forever means forever in hell – rather than being brought back every few years or so only to be sent back to hell again, rinse and repeat. I mean, being teased with life on earth – even if you’re an evil demon – only to have it taken away from you time and again…? It somehow seems more hellish than hell itself…

33) Dolls tried to shoot Sam but the gun didn’t work. Does that mean that Wynonna is literally the only person who can shoot it? And what made him think he could use it? 

34) I guess we’re not meeting the Stone Witch today…

35) Ouch, my feels…

36) When will Waverly dump Champ, though? It doesn’t make sense for her to be with this douche?

37) Hmmm, Dolls is sounding more and more like Giles… (and Wynonna is sounding a lot like Buffy, btw…)

WYNONNA: The hell took you so long?

DOLLS: I was always there. But I just needed to see if they could actually do it.

WYNONNA: Even if it meant Shorty had to die?

DOLLS: Collateral damage. This is a war. You want to avenge your sister and your dad, right? And this is what victories… might have to look like.

WYNONNA: And what about our failures?

Hmm, this also raises another question. Not only was he waiting to see if the revenants could pull off the spell, but he also tried to shoot Wynonna’s gun. Given his pragmatical mentality, I’m guessing he was testing out if Wynonna was actually dispensable. If he could use the gun himself, then Wynonna was expendable. If something were to happen to her, then he could carry on without a hiccup. I wonder if these different views will make them collide.

38) I’ve got to say, I’d be disappointed if this hadn’t been her response…

With all the shit I've done in my life Dolls, working with you I don't think I can look in the mirror.

This is the hero mentality, heroes need to believe wars can be won without “collateral damage”, they need to believe they can save everyone, that is what drives them. But I’m sure that this won’t be the last time this mentality is tested, and I’m guessing Wynonna will need to make other sacrifices or be forced to walk a grey moral line...

39) Ugh, fucking Doc…

DOC: The fact is, I have not properly introduced myself. You can tell your sister she is right. I am… was friends with your great-great-grandpappy. My name is John Henry, but most people just called me Doc.

WYNONNA: "Doc"? Doc Holliday?

DOC: Wynonna Earp, I am at your disposal.

WYNONNA: Well, shit.

He’s a conniving son of a bitch, isn’t he? He only came clean because Waverly had already figured out who he was, but he did it in a way that made it look like he beat Waverly to the punch (that’s why he tells Wynonna to tell her sister that “she was right.”) Besides, introducing himself as a friend of their great-great-grandfather automatically establishes a bond between them, even some trust. He is saying, “hey, you can trust me, I’m here to help you.”

However, he’s obviously doing Bobo’s bidding – this is exactly what Bobo asked him to do. I do have a feeling Doc is the type of character who would do what others tell him if it’s beneficial for him but who can also very quickly switch sides if it suits him better, you know? I think, for now, he’s playing it by ear to see what and who will benefit him more.

The thing is, for now, he’s playing Wynonna. So I feel I’ll have to hate him a little bit before he makes me love him.

Who am I kidding? I already love him, but you know what I mean, right?

40) This episode definitely felt more Monster-of-the-Week than the previous two, but I still felt enough things were introduced in order to build the season arc – the Stone Witch and Doc’s identity being revealed. Can’t wait to watch the next one!

41) Hope you enjoyed my recap, and, as usual, if you’ve got this far, thank you for reading! If you enjoy my recaps and my blog, please consider supporting it on ko-fi.Thanks!

[cubot]

I’m 22 years old. Perpetual virgin because I’m not interested in forming relationships or anything really like that.

But like.... sexual active in a solitary way. AKA I masturbate, kinda. I have since I was young.... Probably too young because of reasons that might make others uncomfortable (I’ll share at the bottom).

Anyways, never wore a tampon. It freaks me out and it wasn’t easy to put in (never actually did) and I only tried twice and cried both times (including when I was 17 years old, so like...... mature. I was yelled at by my mom because she bought cheap tampons so I could try and my other sister wouldn’t take the box because she uses plastic applicators and so my mom wasted money....)

I’ve been masturbating since I was around 11? First “fantasy” when I was around 9. Uh, weird kinks, some.... that existed well before (well, considering my past, maybe not) I started feeling sexual and others because of movies and the internet.

ANYWAYS, point being! I am so ashamed of this all. I’m getting better all the time, but do you know how tiring it is to feel ashamed? I’m an adult. And above all that, DO YOU KNOW WHAT FEELING ASHAMED DOES TO YOU WHEN YOU FEEL ASHAMED EVERY TIME YOU MAKE YOURSELF FEEL GOOD?! YOU GET WEIRD KINKS THAT YOU FEEL ASHAMED OF AND SO ON.

I’m sharing because I want to be better.

Um, anyways, just bought my first sex toy because I was like. HUH, I can’t fit more than a finger in without it hurting and even one finger is uncomfortable. All these years, I’ve just been pushing down on my clit while laying on my stomach. Maybe change will be good. I’ll be slow, maybe it’ll feel super good and I can finally push something in.

BUT GUESS WHAT. I can’t fit it in. Not even playing for awhile, lube, whatever. Nope, nothing. I can’t. It doesn’t even feel that good on the outside. Every time I thought it would hit a good spot, the feeling would go away in less than a second.

It’s such a fucking bummer. Like, why does it hurt so much? I just wanted to feel more confident and try new things and grow emotionally and physically and just explore, but I can’t even do that.

Anyways, I’m fucking tired. At least I’m asexual because if I wanted to have sex with people, this would probably be a worse hurdle. I hate vaginas. 

BELOW IS MAYBE CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE WHO KNOWS NOT ME

So my early sexual “awakening”.

My parents split, so my dad had custody of me, my older brother, and my older sister every other weekend. I shared a room with my sister and when I got too big for the little bed, I shared the queen size with my sister. When I was about seven or eight, my sister (five years older than me) decided to start humping me through clothes. She would press down on me and it made me have to go to the bathroom, so I would get up and go. She’d get annoyed. I’d go back to bed and she would continue and I’d have to get up again and so on.

(you want to know what’s real sad. honestly the worst? at home, i can usually key my arousal with how much i have to use the bathroom. if i feel aroused, whoops, i probably just have to go pee. :) )

I didn’t know what she was doing. And when I finally did..... I was embarrassed and grossed out. And yet, I touched myself to my own thoughts (NEVER THINKING OF HER), and afterwards I would feel so bad.

Maybe that’s why I am so grossed out by sex now. I conditioned myself to think it’s so bad. And like logically, now I can go, yo! Body positivity, explore, be safe! But when it comes to me, no, no, no, not you, Josie, you’re a disgusting monster. Even writing this makes me grossed out. Sorry if you read this and your opinion of me changes. I guess we’re all well-rounded people with odd edges.

Back to the point.... This is ignoring the fact that my brother, sister, and friends sexually explored each other, um, and this weird memories of playing burglar with my brother when I was like five (him six) and I had to lick his hand to get him to take his hand off my mouth and the times with my friend we’d play train robber and she’d cover my mouth with a bandanna... Or the naked Ken doll (played by the same friend) that would run around the Barbies, proud and aggressive....

Is this normal? Or was my childhood fucked by being surrounded by other children who also had fucked sexual thoughts?

[shytiff]

Small July Wins

1 - atikah and racheel came over, oa webinar (rheumatology), duolingo (DL)

2 - they ended up sleeping over, DL, "attended" pak Kus' webinar just becausee hes my skripsi advisor

3 - a page of padi cbt, idai webinar (respiratory disease in covid era), DL

4 - ran 3 laps in my house complex (afterwards my heart was pounding against my chest), hopecardis webinar (arrythmia), DL

5 - 1 ma article (moluskum kontagiosum), perkani webinar (congenital heart disease), DL

6 - DL, idai webinar (pregnancy and newborn stuff in covid era), put sheet mask on lol i neglect my face a lot lately

7 - accompanied juan with mom to perbanas institute for sbmptn, while waiting we went to lucky cat and imeri to get apd, picked up juan, went to social pot (kokas) afterwards, DL. Lucky cat was empty, the vibes of a cafe felt new to me (it surely has been a while). I felt super refreshed. Did some writing for ma article there. Tried salmon and black olive spaghetti, caesar salad, mom drank piccolo. The spaghetti kinda tasted like mi telor but with salmon lol. Talked and laughed plenty with mom :) i rarely talk with her nowadays. Im glad the awkwardness melted away

8 - videocalled with apa salahku for gaby's birthday, zoom for school prep (covid safety stuff), a bit of cbt padi, DL

9 - negative rapid test alhamdulillah, fk digital (kejang anak), cbt padi, DL

10 - some exercise, talked with shiko on zoom, DL, aand since i started padi CBT i finished 2 tryouts (150 questions). It’s not a lot but Im proud of myself :)

11 - went to tj duren with ara, but while we wait the n95 seller we went to citraland, tried fried salmon roll at shigeru, ended up meeting the guy at cl, afterwards we got pisang goreng madu bu nanik, went to rodalink pesanggrahan, ended up getting seirockya at puri, and then i dropped ara off at tj duren. Theeen i went to devis place to hang out and sleepover. Lots of foods. Delicious "lava cake" made from instant brownie mix. Played werewolf. In the morning i managed to finish the pre and post tests in OCI Covid. Happy tummy and laughter :) i hope i can be more productive after this

12 - DL (thank god i freezed streak for weekend because i completely forgout about it yesterday), during sleepover @ devi’s we watched love for sale, a copy of my mind, and love for sale 2. The frustration is real bruh we rly wanted to know more about Arini. Did UKDMA (2 attempts, score: 24, 58), wrote 1 MA article, sorted my downloads folder a bit. After ‘wasting’ (happy times is never a wasted time but still, there’s stuff to do) my time yesterday i felt more urge to do something useful

13 - actually started my day with DL and padi cbt wow (brain still fresh from sleep), CBD about BPPV with dr Widayat. Since ive experienced one before i asked and asked and asked lmaooo. Packed up some of the stuff for tomorrow, hoping to not forget things. Read the journal for litrev before bed

14 - DL, first day of school after a while -- turns out weight distribution is key to avoid sore butt LOL. You kinda have to also support your body weight on your feet. Theres no sore butt at all during my 50 mins trip (amazing feat if you ask me). Went to poli rhinologi (DPJP: dr niken) she kindly gave me a patient to examine, and casually told me to put anterior tampon. I, who have never attempted it, was holding back my fear of trying something new lol. Alhamdulillah, i can somehow do it (even though one tampon fell, tiffany paboooo). The ppds kindly explained stuff to me and i feel like i shamelessly ask nowadays. Like it would be a waste not to ask something. Next was CBD @ Ara’s, we ate Ayam Bakar Mas Walid. Liqo with kak Kartika.

15 - DL, did litrev in the morning bcs i fell asleep lmaoo, tweaked tumblr a bit (i like low contrast the most), fell asleep while watching larynx anatomy video until 1:30 pm yalll i missed half of cbd. Tried to read stuff for poli larfar tomorrow.

16 - DL, ppds i met today lives in poris and worked at puskesmas kalideres lmaoo. Had a bit of headache and gassy stomach that felt better after sleeping and eating. thank god i was picked up by mom and theres food and stuff. i guess the difference of being at home and kosan is that you kinda remember more who youre fighting for. my mind felt healthy-ish lately, of some sort. but the headache made me sluggish

17 - DL, nevermind about the healthy mind part lmaoo

18 - DL, physical activity, padi cbt (after 200 questions i was today years old when i realized there were answer keys on telegram 👁️👄👁️), read optima tht batch 1 2020. Watched khs playing chess blindfolded against try guys and then i was purely amazed by what the human brain can do. It somehow motivated me to study lol

19 - DL, finished optima pem tht batch 1 2020, made 1 cbd ppt, webinar "holistic skin rejuvenation", free mindset tryout

20 - DL, haven’t got minicex but at least im trying to stay hopeful!1!, read the notes from today’s cbd since i basically only heard the whole thing on my motorbike like a podcast, did nasal irrigation n took a slow release vit c

21 - started the day with some stretches and squats, trying to drink more water!!, listened to kak dela's tips for ukmmpd from mindset, DL, read a bit abt epistaxis, the clear wallet i ordered from china finally arrived, edited 1 buku pld article

22 - was in poli onko this morning w ara, a patients consciousness was decreasing so code blue was activated. Finished poli at 1 am. It's been awhile since I last saw emergency situations. Went to maison weiner, ate almond croissant there and bought chocolate sourdough and chicken pie. Despite not getting minicex, the road home was not hot, the sun hidden away. The wind is breezing, podcast is on, talking about mindfulness. Todays quite a good day. Im healthy, insyaAllah. I hope my family will also stay healthy. Woke up at 11ish pm, DL, made my ppt for lcbe exam ((tomorrow)) til 1 am

23 - DL, lcbe exam with dr arie (turns out he picked epistaxis over sinonasal tumour), met up with racheel devi silvi at mcd and jco. Hojicha oreo mcflurry tasted good. Got lost on the way to racheels house lmaoo. She flies to malang tomorrow. Can i wish for life to stay simple and happy forever?

24 - DL, originally meant to be a minicex session turned out to be story time by dr Ezzy, she told us about cases that she managed, one of them is putting on tracheostomy for a baby with Moebius syndrome that went viral on twitter. We didnt even present our case and she only asked us for the scoring form. Thank you doc our lifesaver :”” after trying so hard for minicex the last 2 days turns out maybe its fated so we can meet and be inspired dr Ezzy. Mom picked me and we went to Maison Weiner before going home. Passed out from 6pm until the morning lmao

25 - a bit of exercise, DL, tried kemonyu.id mentai from duta garden, i’ve had better mentai than it but at least its on promo. it uses butter rice so that’s something new to me. rapat nemo to decide dates

26 - DL, liqo with kak Kartika about things you can do in Dzulhijjah, A2, started reading optima pem dv batch 1 2020

27 - DL, round was cancelled bcs no patient, lazed around and slept and lazed, continued reading pem dv optima, did like a half of 1 pamela reif video and my HR soared in 2 mins lmaoo

28 - DL, finally mustered the will to finish DS etika profesi, finished reading optima pem dv batch 1 2020, 2A, did 1 pamela reif video (titled 10 mins calorie burn that wont kill u), read a bit of my dv notes

29 - DL, ppds at poli were so kind!, ate shabu2 by mom and basically fell asleep

30 - DL, made ppt PKL, alhamdulillah PKL went ok with dr ika

31 - watched annabelle comes home and suicide squad with keisha karin juan, DL, relatives came to our place, ara also came for a sleepover and after i picked her up we went to dajens place lmaoo they set up bbq

[bandbacktogether]

If You Don't Take Care Of This

New Post has been published on https://www.bandbacktogether.com/posts/painful-sex-virgin/

If You Don't Take Care Of This

“Can you not do the whole, um, pap smear?” I quickly made eye contact with the nurse, who, up until then, had been fumbling with the crinkly OB gown, the one she wanted me to put on.

“Any reason?”

“I’m not sexually active and, I just, it’s really not necessary I know I’m fine.”

“Well,” she hesitated, “I can certainly let Dr. Jeffrey know your request, but just so you know,” she quickly flipped through my chart, “it looks like you haven’t gotten an internal exam in…over 2 years.” She stared at me. “And we really like our patients to have an annual exam once they turn eighteen.”

With that she closed the door and left me alone to change into the paper dress, waiting for the knock from the doctor. I sat on the edge of the table and took deep breaths.

You’re fine…you’re fine…this is routine…everyone does this.

The knock came.

“Hi Caroline.”

“Hi.”

“You don’t want an internal?”

“No.”

“Can I ask why?” She wasn’t warm. She wasn’t kind. She didn’t sit down and pull her chair in close to me and put me at ease. She didn’t see that I was clearly bothered, tell me to put my clothes back on and come into her office to chat with her about what “the issue” was. She just stared at her clipboard. “You’re 22, Caroline?”

“Yes.”

“Sexually active?”

“No,” I started, “I mean, yes, I’m sexual but, I don’t have sex, not,” I motioned to my vagina, “intercourse.”

“So other things?”

“I guess.”

“Oral sex?”

“Yes.”

She looked at me again. “What’s “the issue” with the pap smear?” she asked.

“It makes me uncomfortable. I squirm. I just…it hurts. I don’t like it, I tense up. It happens when I try to have sex, too. I mean I don’t try that often I’ve just tried a few times. With my boyfriend,” I added.

She “mmhmm”d and continued to look at her chart, “and how long have you been with you boyfriend?”

“Two years.”

“And you’ve never had sex?”

“No. But we’ve tried…I’m really just overwhelmed by the idea of it…I can’t get myself to um, open up…”

“Caroline,” she flipped all the pages so that her thumb rested on the top page, “we won’t do an internal today. But you need to take care of this. Or your boyfriend is going to leave you.”

And with that she left the room.

Her last sentence continues to echo in my head. And that conversation?

That conversation happened two years ago. And my boyfriend did leave me. And I am a 24 year old virgin, terrified of sex.

***

Instead of drinking, I dyed my hair. Instead of partying at 15 years old, I would go for car rides with boys and let the lyrics to popular songs guide my adolescence.

Shy. Self-conscious. 16 years old. The bottles in my backpack read: clinical depression. Therapy since I was 13 years old. Would later attain more bottles. Bipolar disorder.

Friends started to have sex. There were stories of bleeding and awkward mornings after.

I’d say “I haven’t had sex yet because I haven’t found anyone I loved and trusted enough to want to roll over and see next to me in the morning, and not, you know, like, puke.”

“You’re so smart,” they’d tell me when their high school boyfriends were sleeping with girls at other lunch tables.

I met Chris on the first day of college and the outline of his body pressed into my bed sheets for 8 months. Both virgins, we planned on being each other’s firsts. But in the dark moments we moved together not knowing how or what to do. And so we would kiss, and feel, and love so hard, sharing smiles that said this was enough for both of us. And then we broke up.

I spiraled downward with my first broken heart. I threw away the bottles of medication that made me fat. I tried to sleep over the soundtrack to the rest of my friends going out and living life. I was not meant to live, I thought. But I ended up living anyway.

My parents could see I was unhappy. So they did what they thought good parents should and would do – they bribed me in order to motivate me. 6 months later, I traded an unhealthily lost 47 lbs for a brand new car.

Overnight I went from being fat, awkward, unpopular, and lonely, to being beautiful, thin, living in my first apartment up at school for the summer, dating the popular guy at work and sought after.

My phone would ring all day long.

What are we doing tonight? Party at your place?

For 30 days in my 19th year, I led my idea of a perfect life.

On the 31st day, I woke up alone in my bed after a party to find my popular boyfriend asleep with another counselor in the living room. He continued to fuck her all summer long, but pose as my boyfriend in our happy relationship.

And I let him. I wanted the pictures of me in a bikini being tossed over the shoulder of my hot boyfriend much more than I wanted someone to hold me as I fell asleep.

I had tons of pictures from that summer.

Not an ounce of trust.

I didn’t know what I had done to deserve so much continual rejection, but I was determined to pick myself up and keep going. After all, this was college, I would tell myself. It doesn’t mean anything.

College was coming to a close when Dave and I were four months into our relationship. Our love started out as best friendship – the kind of partnering you pay 13.00 to watch in a movie theater on a Friday night. I was sure this was it. I surrendered and waved the white flag, fully prepared to leap.

“I’m ready,” I breathed.

“Ok,” he kissed my forehead and pushed forward.

I tightened up.

“Babe, relax,” he said.

I started breathing in and out, in and out.

“Is it in?” I asked, wincing.

“No, babe.”

“Now?”

“No.”

A single tear rolled down my face. I was twenty two fucking years old with the sexual capability of a senior in high school. I felt like a fucking idiot. Why did I think this would be so fucking easy?

“Just fucking put it in, Dave.”

And then I felt it. Immediately my legs closed and went into fetal position and I kicked Dave off of me, the balls of my feet against his chest.

“What the HELL?!” he shouted, “Are you fucking out of your mind?”

“I AM NOT DOING THIS,” I screamed, “I can’t. It hurts. I’m not ready. I just can’t. I can’t do this, Dave.”

He stared at me.

“My body won’t let me,” I whispered.

Days and weeks and months passed by. Seasons ran their course, semesters ended, final grades were received.

“Do you wanna try, babe?”

“Um…maybe,” I’d say, but then we wouldn’t.

A year had come and gone and Dave stopped asking, and I stopped trying to put tampons in or finger myself with lube or even read up on “the issue”.

Our relationship became tense and unloving. It was strained. I found myself in a mindset that I imagined infertile women were in when they’d see their pregnant friends, the ones who “weren’t even trying to have a baby.” I’d watch shows like Teen Mom, or hear my 17 year old cousin ask me for sex advice and I’d become beyond agitated.

I wanted to shake them and tell them they were way too young to be having sex. And I wanted to shake myself because I WASN’T too young. But I couldn’t do it.

Dave eventually did leave me, citing “you need to learn how to fuck” as the largest of our irreconcilable differences in our almost three year long relationship.

I became his survivor story. I was the sentence said over tall glasses of Blue Moon in dark bars with friends.

“I can’t believe you haven’t fucked in 3 years, dude.”

“I know,” he’d say.

“We need to get you some pussy, dude.”

“I know,” he’d say.

No longer a lover. No longer a friend. Just someone he never fucked.

And now I lie in bed awake almost every night in my apartment alone. I think about the secrets I won’t tell people, I think about the guys who I won’t go home with. I think about the amount of time it will take for a guy to become invested in me for him to not want to leave when I explain this ridiculous fear that manifests within me.

I think about the marriage I want, and the children I want. I think about how it must feel to be loved unconditionally for every flaw.

And I think about the fear of letting go and letting someone in. And I think about how not metaphorical that idea is.

I think about that conversation with my OB/GYN 2 years ago. I think about how I drove home that day, determined to figure out my fears and my anxiety and my thoughts as soon as possible. I think about how 2 years ago I swore that in 2 years, I’d be fine. I’d be on track.

And then I think about how quickly two years can come and go.

And then I cry, hard and heavy tears.

The only things I am able to let go of.