#God I hate thinking abt the passage of time

[rotating-pebbles]

OMGOMG HAPPY SPACE DAYYYYYYYYYYY

Anyway have an unrelated dark thing

Alt versions under cut

[ruegarding]

Hey, quick question if you don't mind me asking, what were your thoughts on Chalice of the Gods?

overall, i wish rick stopped at toa like he said he was going to. the more rick adds, the more the world-building suffers as a result. that being said, i didn't completely hate cotg like i thought i would. there's a few good moments, but, in general, it reads like a cash-grab.

let's start with the good. percy has some of the most in-character moments he's had in the universe since pjo.

percy's confrontation w geras was so good that i actually wish this was part of percy's character arc in hoo. percy spent almost all of pjo knowing he was going to die—he saw the fates cut the string in tlt and in som he put together what the prophecy meant: he was going to die either at or before 16. and this is exactly why this confrontation works and why i think it's better than new rome. new rome can protect a demigod from monsters, not from fate. percy wasn't scared of monsters. if he was, he would've stayed at chb year-round.

and i really like that geras was willing to entertain percy bc he had turned down godhood. like the first time percy ever thinks abt immortality seriously (in botl) this is what he has to say:

so immortality is fundamentally at odds w percy's character bc he defines himself so thoroughly w the ppl he loves. and this is exactly what allows him to get through to geras! it's such a good exploration of percy's character and the future he's now able to consider.

similarly, this section

is more in-character than almost all of hoo. this is a prime example of how percy's loyalty works and addresses how it's misconstrued in fandom. percy has a desire for freedom, and that desire informs how he respects ppl. percy's loyalty isn't a possessive "i won't let you do this" bc he will, he will always let someone make their own choice at the end of the day bc it's what he would want. and this was actually established in tlt, when sally says "you're enough like me to understand" and asks percy to let her save herself. so percy lets bianca fight talus, he lets nico walk away, he gives luke the knife, he lets ganymede choose his own story, even when he disagrees w it. and this is why percy's arc in hoo sucked! rick tried to give percy the typical hero complex, but it's contradictory w percy's character. so when i saw this passage i was so relieved. i thought this part of percy died w pjo.

also, to talk abt someone other than percy, this moment

is good. i love this abt annabeth.

and grover saying the hardest thing is sitting by and not being able to do anything. bc grover is usually in a support role and he wasn't there at all in hoo. i also like that percy is confronted w the fact that he's not expendable. thumbs up from me.

the bad...i'm just going to keep short bullet points.

what even is this plot

it doesn't work as part of pjo and yet it's marketed as the sixth book in the series

why is zeus a disney villain. i hate everything abt it

the inconsistencies...annabeth's cap...why are we continuing to treat percy like he's disinterested in learning??? also. what do you mean you're not allowed at camp after you turn 18? WHAT DO YOU MEAN????? this was not a thing. and wasn't rhea in hiding or something?? now she's casually having brunch?

there's too much "percy is the stupid bf and annabeth is the competent gf who takes care of him." i hated every second of this. also annabeth is disabled. her being intelligent does not remove her disability. she struggles.

i rbed that post abt disaster cook annabeth and good cook percy and i stand by that.

the power monologue makes no damn sense (and another addition by op in the tags)

no seriously i'm begging someone to have a real conversation and understand percy is terrified of how powerful he is. i've been waiting for this since botl. WHICH WAS PUBLISHED IN 2008 BTW

i'm not a huge estelle or paul fan. like they're fine they're just not compelling.

the only time i feel sally and percy have the same connection as they had in tlt is when they're alone. this is a problem i've had for a while, but cotg does not fix it. when paul and annabeth are in the equation, it feels like percy is the outsider.

in summary, cotg is like a fanfic i would leave kudos for being a good percy character study despite having questionable moments. except it's canon. and these questionable things affect the world-building.

[ad-hawkeye]

wanted to know if you ever got to read artem’s pool/8 ball card i thought the event story was cute but i was a wee bit curious on your thoughts on the card

I JUST FINISHED IT!!!!!!!!! AS WE SPEAK!!! i have a whole list of my thoughts HAHA SORRY FOR THE RAMBLING IN ADVANCE

"artem had to join a pool club for work" is one of the better excuses to give him a new hobby, ill begrudgingly give them that

im glad artem still has the alcohol tolerance of a squirrel. do NOT let this man go off by himself he will accidentally take a sip of alcohol and then need a time out in the corner.

"is it that obvious?" yes, artem.

mc making sure artem eats a fucking meal is rly cute LMFAO

mc ordering artem a non-alcoholic drink is also sweet. i remember i wrote a fic (all the way back in like 2021 after reading atmospherics) where i wrote abt artem going out of his way to drink mocktails after all of that. genuinely really happy to see that's canon.

i've noticed newer ssrs are just. shorter? first year ssrs tended to be like, over an hour long when put on auto. but newer ones are only 40 mins on auto. laaaame. but then again with the overall writing quality, maybe they're just putting us out of our misery.

ah yes. artem getting surprised by mc kissing his cheek in public. what a sly sex chad. did they get the only good artem writer left at hoyoverse on this card or something

artem being exhausted from socializing is a mood. girl same.

the way these two talk about alcohol sends me. dear god artem we can let you have a sip oh god. OH JESUS CHRIST ARTEM NO --

this story is cute enough to make me sad. godddd. it's really nice to see artem more casual and open, esp since this story is more in character.

THE IRISH GOODBYE?? ARTEM LMFAO.

mutuals meet me in the secret passage of the pool place

sneaking out by running is giving the same energy as his revisiting youth ssr where they decided to sneak to the school's roof and hide from the security guards lmfao. ah. the nostalgia.

AND this ssr acknowledges artem's love of movies?? YES

STOP KISSING IN THE STORAGE ROOM GUYS THE CINEMA STAFF IS GOING TO FIND YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! DEAR GOD

"this should be filmed in slow motion" LMFAO

JUMPSCARE. JUMPSACRE. NEW ARTEM EXPRESSION. JUMPSCARE. HOLY FUCK

i sincerely think a full on artem smile is all i ever wanted back in the day i cant believe i fucking got it in the POOL CARD OF ALL CARDS

"was something set up incorrectly?" "[artem pout] probably."

mc taking a pic of his stupid distracted expression is amazing and him getting blushy about it is even funnier

"was it too sour?" "yeah...."

thank god pathetic artem is back

nevermind he is licking her arm like a dog. tot's fascination with licking will never fail to amuse me. this is like when my dog licks my leg in the middle of the night

if one sip of alcohol fucks him up this bad i'd hate to see what happens when he's a few shots in. mr wing breaking it down sloppy style on the floor (not clickbait)

STOP LICKING EACH OTHER YOU FREAKS

i think artem should trip a few more times it's funny

this is the closest we've gotten to artem fessing up about atmospherics i can fucking taste it

NOOOO THEY FUMBLED IT. NO ATMOSPHERICS MENTION. ENDING IT ALL. GOD DAMN IT

i can forgive this bc the running joke of them missing scenes in a movie is back

all in all as far as post second anniversary cards go, this one wasn't bad at all and had a lot of cute moments. a few weird ones (which is to be expected at this point ig), but mostly cute!! it made me miss my fav artem cards but in a good way. siiigh ;_;;;

[rowanisawriter]

how abt director’s commentary for “juxtaposition” bc that fic makes me rotate johnny silverhand in my head like a reheated mug of tea and I love ur take on corpo V

He wouldn’t touch her with a ten foot pole if he wasn’t stuck in her body, the body he wants so bad it feels like an ache, the body he wants to cram full of nicotine and whiskey and whatever fucking pills he can fit in his hands. He hates how perfect her skin is, no freckles, no scars. How perfect her hands are. He touches her wrist, the green veins that pulse just under her pristine skin, and wants to bite her hard enough to draw blood.

“Why do you corpo types always polish away every imperfection like you’re fucking robots?” he says.

She lifts her shirt and shows him the scar on the skin that stretches over her hip bone from the last gig or whatever that they did. He remembers they spent the money from that one on the new apartment, that she got it for him because he wouldn’t shut up about that nasty megabuilding unit, and he buried the thought that she had gotten hurt because he had gotten bored.

He buries it again. He’s so good at that, good at overwriting the past just as his engram overwrites V. Second nature. Evolution.

“Here’s a scar you can see,” she says, and he runs a finger along her hip bone, over the scar and trailing across her belly, raising goosebumps in his wake. “And in my head, a scar you can’t see but you can feel it all the same. Can’t you?”

He shrugs. She shifts and his hand drops onto the bed and bounces just a little.

“I’m in your head,” she tells him. “And it smells like guilt in here. Like shit.”

ahhhhh thank you for asking! tbh juxtaposition is one of my favorite things i’ve written 🥹

ask me for director’s commentary on one of my dumb ass stories

ok so, from the beginning i wanted to somehow convey just how strikingly different a corpo v is compared to johnny but also how similar. i also really really liked the idea that they are actually trapped in the same body. the game has to show us that they’re different units because it is more dramatic to see johnny outside of v’s body, it looks cooler to see keanu!! but in the story i kept them in the same body the entire time, it gave the whole fic a very disjointed feeling because some passages had johnny acknowledging they were the same person and some had him creating some kind of mental block to separate them, as the thought that he was now a corpo/corpo adjacent was too much for him to bear.

this scene is near the end and i wanted johnny to come to some kind of understanding that v isn’t what he thinks she is and that he actually can survive with her in this body, that the two of them are kinda similar at least in stubbornness and pride, that she is willing to get her (their) hands dirty and shows him the scar as proof. he immediately buries this and literally right after this he tells her to go punch the wall and get more scars. like the vengeful insane rocker boy he is, enough is never enough for him lol. but v is willing to do this to get him on her side because she’s in love with him and he’s willing to acknowledge she might not be just corpo shit because he’s in love with her 😭 god i love this story so much 😭

a few more scenes here really are ingrained in my brain forever, there is some inner monologue for johnny that aren’t in quotations but are still in first person, just chaotic methods of writing lol i felt during my playthroughs that johnny was a presence akin to a tumor, an aggressive shadow in v’s mind, his thoughts as full of hatred and resentment as they were just churning in v’s head, sometimes his monologues can be overbearing and overwhelming and i tried to convey that in the fic by leaving them outside of quotation, as if he was hijacking the narrative just as he’s hijacking v’s mind.

anyway!! lol thanks for letting me rant about this story it is also rotating in my head like a mug of tea tbh!!!!

[kamiversee]

okay, i calmed down a bit. holy shit what a chapter. this chapter is possibly one of the most intense chapters you've posted yet, if not the most. the only other chapters that immediately come to mind in terms of emotional intensity are the ones including Gojo's tearful confession and the chapter with the "last kiss." this chapter devastated me on a completely different level. the drama had me reeling and i loved it so fucking much. well done, Kami. really well done.

i'm going to try to not sound like a broken record since you already know my immediate thoughts based off of my past few anons 😭 it's so interesting that Choso immediately goes to call Geto's brother shitty, yet later on in the chapter Geto refers to them at friends. Choso's denials are believable since he does seem like a major introvert and only really goes out of his way to socialize with the reader, but i wonder if we'll ever meet Kenjaku in this fic. or is this a sneak peak as to who we may meet in a certain sequel...? 👀👀👀 KAMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!! why do i feel like you're going to draw some parallels between Suguru and his brother's relationship to Choso's relationship with Sukuna. i'm not sure how it would go, but if you do choose to do that i feel like it would floor me.

i love that this chapter is unveiling so much of Choso's toxicity holy shit. i know it's all related to his possessive nature, but the anger issues had me taking breaks and walking laps in my room at 1:30 am on a work night. the way he's upset about things we aren't even aware of (how "flirtatious" we come off in a regular conversation) was expected but the way it built up to him exploding was just *chef's kiss*. the way still calls us little pet names, especially after that huge fight, stung me.

not only did this chapter reveal so much about Choso, but it really does solidify how toxic the reader is for him as well. there's no such thing as a perfect character (even though these jjk men get so close) but this was a perfect reminder that despite everything, the reader has her own red flags to work through as well. will she ever? probably not bc holy shit that passage was so perfect and needed. also, who wouldn't act that way in that kind of situation 😭 swatting OUR hand away when HE is the one causing the scene? omfg it got me so mad LMFAOOOO

also the reveal that Sukuna is a physically abusive asshole? omfg. it makes sense for his character but still, the contrast of that info to how we knew him is intense. it's a shame that he's so fucking hot 😭😭😭 with the things he's done, i understand why Choso has the feelings he does. but holy shit dude, the reader didn't know 😭 why tf is he taking it out on her 😭😭😭

Suguru that motherfucker. i hate now smart and intentional he is with every fuckin' action he does in this series. UGH. the way he had me cringing (in a good way) to the point of having to take breathing breaks after practically every line. especially when he said "Go after him, idiot."

KAMI. YOU 🫵🫵🫵🫵🫵 OH MY GODDDDD. IF IT WASN'T OBVIOUS THAT WHAT THE READER IS TO CHOSO, GOJO IS TO THE READER, HOLY SHIT. YOU'RE PRACTICALLY POINTING A NEON-LIGHT ARROW TOWARDS THAT PARALLEL. such a genius way to reuse that line. once i read that, it fucking clicked. the same fucking line Geto says to Gojo in chapter 8 after their first big fight. oh my fucking God Kami. reading that made me have to put down my phone and stare at the ceiling for a bit. so fucking well done. it's lowkey so funny how Geto has been there for so many of the big fights. i'm so fucking excited to see how this develops. my brain is so fried once again.

- ☃️

Smirks. Chat, it’s time for another Kami yap session, LETS GOOOO

1. Gojo’s breakdown chapters & the chapter where Choso leaves (chapter 19 I think) were one of the only chapters that made me tear up while I wrote them😭 Well, aside from the next one I’m abt to drop- ANYWAYS THOUGH, glad you enjoyed it like always ^.^

2. See, here’s the thing about Kenjaku’s mentioning, he was only brought up to show two things; One, Choso has friends and a life outside of the reader, and Two, Choso and Geto have more of a connection/knowledge of each other than what might’ve been expected :)

It’s also another slight anime reference bc like I’ve said previously, I do tend to mirror things such as friend groups or actions to the way things are done in the anime & Choso’s appearance was always made with Kenjaku so, why not make that a factor here yk?🤷‍♀️

3. There actually are already some parallels ^.^

Notice how Choso calls Kenjaku shitty & Suguru snaps back by saying Choso’s brother (Sukuna obv) isn’t any better. Then, you also have Yuki who points out that both men haven’t told the reader anything about these terrible brother’s of theirs, despite both men having connections & intimate moments with her.

It’s kinda meant to show that there is a lot the reader simply doesn’t know. That was honestly somewhat the point of the past few drama chapters! There’s a list of things she learns all in the span of one day, from Gojo’s obsession to Sukuna being abusive— she learned all of that within a single day.

Anywho, the parallel is simply that the men who she claims as her type both have done similar things to her in regards to opening up🤷‍♀️

4. I wanna note that a lot of people are calling Choso’s actions here toxic. Now, I’m not going to disagree of course but, I will just say, his moment of blowing up isn’t unnatural. Choso’s not the best with his feelings, as we can see, and imagine you’re in his shoes for a moment.

How would you react to everything he was just told? Do you think you wouldn’t have blown up as he did? Especially when you consider how passionate he is about his brothers, more specifically, Yuji.

Just wanted to throw that out there! Yes, he shouldn’t have yelled the way he did but this is something that’d been building up & because he’s such an introvert (I am too ngl) it’s not unusual for him to have a sudden outburst as he did seeing as he typically keeps his thoughts and emotions inside rather than wearing them on his sleeve :)

5. Yep, I want people to understand that she herself is not perfect in anyway. The reader just gaslit the hell out of Choso & played on the fact that he believes she knew nothing about Sukuna.

NOW before y’all jump on our mc, while it is toxic & bad, she only does that for the benefit of everyone if you think about it. I said this earlier but she has learned a shitload of info in one day. With that, she’s just as stressed and tensed as Choso is atm so she uses her situation in order to manipulate Choso into telling her the truth about everything.

Think about it, she could never manipulate Gojo into telling her his truth and as said, the last thing she wanted was to go through that again, especially with someone like Choso who typically tells her everything.

Yes, yes it is bad that she did that but in a way, it was for something positive such as forcing Choso to open up to her. Not only that, it also gives her a path to reveal other things to him ^.^

6. Again, Choso didn’t exactly mean to blow up on her but he’s been tense the entire time so it was bound to happen. He’s not blaming her, he’s just upset and is unsure of how to properly express tht as we can see💀

And I think I said this to a few anons so far but, who knows the last time Choso & Sukuna interacted with one another? Given that & based on what the reader experienced, we don’t know how long ago Choso saw Sukuna be abusive to women, now Yuji on the other hand is different ofc because Choso clearly states Yuji’s current age and that kinda shows that tht abuse is ongoing.

7. When I tell you, I WAS SMILING SO HARD AS I WROTE TS. I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE making parallels so I literally went back to the chapter with Gojo & Geto just to recall what Geto said to him and then I was like “Yup, time to reuse this shit😈”

AHH I LOVE DOING THT SM UGHHH

But yesyes;

Gojo —> Reader —> Choso

It’s so perfect too ^.^

Ty for reading, mwah, ily <33

[springonmytraptillicomeback]

i. Do <333

Anyways i fucking love william being super obsessed with Henry and just like genuinely worshipping him like God

here’s a list of his lil worship shit headcanons (plus things I’ve already said):

The journals.

So we all know abt William’s gay ass journals, (“A search of [William’s] house…found stacks of journals full of raving paranoia, passages about Henry that ranged from jealousy to near worship.” - The Sliver Eyes, page 351.), basically I like to make them more gay. He subconsciously considers his journals some kind of second bible, constantly writing about Henry, what he did that day, what he worked on, what he says to William, etc. Also, he capitalizes all Henry’s pronouns (He, Him, You, etc) because he thinks Henry deserves it. He also occasionally writes passages like he’s talking to Henry, sometimes even alike to something of a prayer.

The “alter”

William’s bedside table is basically an alter, he pretends like he doesn’t know how it’s an alter but it very much is. It’s got a picture of him and Henry on it (cause it is a bit weird to just have a picture of your best friend on your night stand), that he talks to every night. It’s got a candle that he lights when talking to the picture, and a tiny little plate for money (and also sometimes flowers (specifically daisies, those are Henry’s favorite) because I think that’s cute) that he uses as “offerings”. His excuse for the candle is that he likes how it smells and his excuse for the plate is that it’s for spare change.

The animatronics

The animatronics are the biggest thing that fortified this “Henry is God” thing William has. Henry’s ability to work on and build the animatronics so skillfully and easily is equivalent to God making Adam in Will’s eyes. He has a love hate relationship with the animatronics. On one hand, they’re Henry’s creations, Henry’s perfect creations. On the other hand, Henry spends most his time working on them, the animatronics get to feel Henry’s hands in places Will can only dream of. He’s extremely jealous that the animatronics get to have their insides touched by God and he doesn’t.

Henry in general

Henry is extremely intelligent, and seems to be able to fix any problem he comes across (He’s All-Knowing). Henry can keep his cool even with people that are being rude (He’s Merciful). Henry’s very strong and, as mentioned earlier, very skilled when it comes to fixing and building the animatronics (He’s All-Powerful).

That’s all I have for now… I can’t remember if I have any more but whatever

Thinking abt william an his weird worshipping thing with henry again like oooouaauyyghhh I need him to be really weird about it like reaalllyyy fuckin weird about it

Like he’s got an entire alter, he prays talks to pictures of Henry, he considers his journals (entries of Henry) a “second bible”

he practically worshiped the animatronics too, Henry’s creations

if he was any more religious he’d probably think that Henry is like the second coming, maybe he already does a little

[oshaviolater]

some ppl read aftg nd thought its abt recovery and healing. um LOL? thats why i just deattached from that fandom, ppl r so obssessed with therapy thereee my godd but then again half the ppl there used to translate andrew and betsy's relationship with some motherly concerns or that adjacent dynamic. like good lord she is his therapist, leave her alone man?? u think u can insert motherly dynamics there oh my god??? whar r u a moron -_- nd then the ppl who used to write abt neil going to therapy.........hope u burn in hell idk fuck those fics i literally hate ur guts god i wish i still read aftg fics id luv 2 trash talk abt the absolute high kudos fic from there they r flaming pile of garbage im so glad passage of time exists the fics might not be aging well but at least with time ive doubled my capacity to shit on stuff ive digested from back when i was a teen goddd i wish i was back in 2021 tho or maybe 2020 back then i still read a fic or two nd used to tore it apart with maddie bc yk fun but we are both to busy nowadays to do that fun pastime (trash talk the hatecrimes committed against humanity aka those shitty fics and some published bullshit diversity win books) ah i miss maddddieeee 🙇🏾

[disengaged]

20 questions for fic writers, tagged by @ao3userglitchesaintshit !! 💘💘💘 ....

1. how many works do you have on ao3?

on my profile right now, 61 :-) in total (orphaned & anonymous), somewhere between 75-80

2. what's your total ao3 word count?

356,059 😳

3. how many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

oh, god sjfksndks .... my ao3 profile says 26, i'm not gonna list em all cuz i'm not active in 90% of those anymore but uh. i started out with 2010s metalcore/emo trinity/pop punk shit, branched out into hard rock and industrial, now i'm doing thrash metal ... yeah

4. what are your top five fics by kudos?

let me fix your overdrive - 188

is anybody waiting (at home for you?) - 188

you've become my kingdom come - 179

cryptosporidium - 170

take 54 - 162

..... this is embarrassing bc half of these were written when i was 14-15 and are thus REALLY bad 🤧 the zeppelin ones can stay though

5. do you respond to comments, why or why not?

i try my best to respond to every single one !!!!!! sometimes it just .... takes me a long time :'-) comments & feedback are fuel for me, i want to make sure they're acknowledged

6. what's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

i write a lot of angsty shit tbh, but i think the winner's gotta be leave my body (leave my bones) ... clearly wrote it when i was 13 and going through an "i love character death" phase

7. what's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

yknow .... even out of all the tooth-rotting fluff i've written over the years, i think the ending that makes me the happiest is four hundred bones. it's kind of a long-winded story about Things Falling Apart, but i feel like that makes the ending feel all the more hopeful

8. do you write crossovers? if so, what's the craziest thing you've written?

i don't really write crossovers, but i do write a lot of multiband fic :-)

9. have you received hate on a fic?

not really, no! i don't think i write that much controversial stuff, & the fandoms i'm active in don't have much gatekeeping/purity complex/pairing discourse shit going on. however, one time i did receive a really snippy, passive-aggressive comment on a dumb smut oneshot and i still think about it daily

10. do you write smut? if so, what kind?

i do, yeah! most of it is slash, and most of it includes some vague sort of d/s dynamic. (what can i say, i'm predictable...)

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

i had one plagiarized, yeah :-/ & over the years, people have given me a heads up that my fics have ended up on wattpad (and that stupid fucking "ao3 pocket reader" app) without my permission, but i don't even know how to navigate wattpad, let alone submit a complaint abt it lmao

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

yeah! a few actually, all in Russian:

quicksand jesus translated by ffffftdaaa

inches on me translated by saderaladon

leave a scar translated by saderaladon

and Erbrou did translations of alone/sublime and keep on haunting, but sadly those links are broken, or they've since been removed from ficbook, idk

13. have you ever co-written a fic?

yep! ShadesinBlue and i co-wrote the patience series a little while back and it was a lot of fun :-) we planned it all out, then took turns writing the parts (& wrote some of them together). i'd love to try something like that again sometime .... but i struggle with productivity/being busy all the time, so we'll see :'-)

14. what's your all-time favourite ship?

i'm not really invested in specific ships tbh, i like switching between pairings & exploring different dynamics

15. what's a WIP you want to finish, but don't think you ever will?

looking down the cross my beloved ...... also my kirk/dave prison fic, which is 3/4 done and has been since last year :-/ i'm not giving up on either yet, but the outlook is .... pretty bleak ngl

16. what are your writing strengths?

????idk. my spelling & grammar is legible

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

i hate penning long descriptive passages, i write very, very sporadically, and i have a tendency to ditch WIPs whenever i lose interest for 5 minutes

18. what are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in fic?

sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't ? depends on the context .............. the met discord has a running joke about an AU where everything is the same except jason only speaks in french, & i desperately, DESPERATELY want to see it written lmao

19. what was the first fandom you wrote for?

fucking BBC Sherlock, jesus christ ... it was a hunger games au too LMAOO. reading it makes me giggle, for some reason i was 12 years old & writing about gunshots to the head. r/iamverybadass

20. what's your favourite fic you've ever written?

tough call, cuz every time i reread one of my own fics i'm just like ..... wow! this sucks! it's all terrible! i'm an incompetent fraud! :'-)

that said, i think my favs are usually the ones with a lot of myself put into them ... if i had to pick, right now i'm really connecting with four hundred bones again, & fratboy/stonerverse is another one i reliably enjoy thinking abt :-)

tagging @mondsterne-kuesst @not-a-human-perspective @maggotbrainz @metallicasbian cuz idk who else !! only if u want, & if anyone else wants to do it, feel free to say i tagged u 💘

..... i love discussing this shit, feel free to hit up my inbox 2 chat about it further :'-)

[jageunyeoujari]

‘idea’ & self-knowledge as love as freedom

w thanks to @radiatingdyke​​ & henrik !!

so in a previous post, i talked abt spectacle & respect in criminal for context. now starting off w henrik’s thoughts re: plato:

"It’s honestly pretty ambiguous what Plato means by it- at least in the republic- The core theory is that ideal forms are a truer kind of reality than the shadows. The philosopher escapes a cave of shadows projected on the wall by a ruling class, the only “reality” they ever knew and were literally bound to. They crawl through a treacherous passage to find themselves face to face with the dazzling light of the sun which blinds them temporarily, and as their eyes adjust they find themselves in a forest and realize the shadow puppet of “tree” was not the real tree all along! For what the shadows are: Idk how developed popular media/conventional politics were at the time but we (America) based a lot of our shit on it so I think one strong possibility is we find ourselves in a modern allegory of the cave where the shadows dancing on the wall are the world as it’s told to us- through news education and policy and the “real” is personal experience and genuine community. Then shadows would then be actual reality as we know it, including the real trees and personal experience, a veil placed over us by metaphysical forces which can be lifted through Godwork to reveal the true nature of the inner workings of the universe. The last part of the allegory is that the philosopher returns to the cave to free the other prisoners and spread the light”

so while criminal is the revelation in the toxic cycle of the idol culture & mutual destruction & obsession are confused for love, idea is making the decision to learn what true love & connection is, leaving behind the suffocating expectations demanded by the industry, & in the process, become complete in his humanity.

so we first see taemin in jail, condemning himself for his role in the toxic parasocial relations of idol culture, and literally... calling himself out.... altho i would say that this:

in criminal is purgatory proper, the jail may be the end point of his journey there. he confesses his sins, his soul gets purified, & then next we see him in the bar which is confirmed to be heaven (which happens to look much like lee soo man's office) while the flashy models stare at taemin, the walking dead, the posh people in suits (likely executives) ignore him. 

so here we have taemin trying to fit in seemlessly in this world of the elites who have the highest level of control in the idol industry. here, he is assured his status as the best & now guaranteed to be free of pain... but on their terms. there is shallow comfort but nothing else. the others content w playing games & eating delicacies, surrounded by alcohol, but are contained to sitting, indulging in frivolities, & passively looking on but no chance of connection. the bar is just another form of intoxication, but unlike criminal where there is at least an illusion of attaining love, heaven is merely stagnant. this idealized heaven of the elites cannot give true freedom as it is based on sterility & exclusivity, just another form of social control. "the dangerous dream that swallowed me is proven by you." staying here would be another form of self-betrayal & denial of the love he seeks so he rebels against heaven through his dancing, an affirmation of his life.

taemin then being shocked that all these shadow versions of himself are not the truth... silvery dissolving forms... his identity fragmenting............ but still taemin still can't break away from the illusion that the adoration & fame he receives as an idol could be actually hurting him.

as @radiatingdyke has talked about, BoA's 'killing me' line is reminiscent of korean shamans channeling gods. significant that it is BoA who he channels as they are both similar, debuting at a very young age & have been massive stars ever since then. "you are my messiah" BoA cuts him off, speaking the truth. this isn't who he rly is or what he actually wants. he must face himself & the truth or he will die. 

the mirror steps are i think symbolic of plato's ladder of love. to my understanding, the ladder of love is basically about how the aim of life is the ascension of the soul to heaven. the gods can do this as a god's soul is in perfect balance w all the different aspects of itself which makes them necessarily wise & good. humans' souls are in disarray, however, & it is this conflict between all parts of the soul which makes it difficult for us to follow the gods to heaven. to do this, people have to understand the true Form of beauty, by climbing the ladder of love. the steps start from loving a body which one is attracted to due to physical beauty & by understanding the beauty of this body, one can then consider how the beauty of one body is found in all bodies. the progression goes on from loving more broadly until we come to the last step, love of knowledge & wisdom. now one is able to see the actual form of Beauty, bringing harmony to your soul. so in order to taemin to finally know peace within himself, he has to know how to love.

& the progression of the ladder implies for me that by first learning to care for others but understanding who they are in their completeness & beauty, you eventually are able to learn to care for yourself & see the beauty in your own soul. & on the flip side, the better able you care for yourself, the more you are able to care for others. i'll discuss this more when i go into my thoughts on act 2 as a whole but basically, the rest of act 2 has a truly warm & loving atmosphere when taemin speaks to the other. in comparison, act 1 presents his experience of 'love' as enmeshment, painful, confusing, losing his self of sense to cater to the desires of the other. there are feelings of obligation to stay in this destructive relationship bc that’s his prescribed role & anyway, any attention is better than none at all. 

ppl w a poor sense of self can readily suffer mistreatment for the sake of a semblance of connection, confusing obsession for love when what’s rly happening is actually cathexis, an investment of emotions. while care & affection can exist w cathexis, as does happen in fans’ relations w idols, this is not the same thing as love which liberates & cultivates growth in yourself & the other. fans’ obsession w idols quickly flipping to hate when idols stray from the designated persona of perfection is investment in that image but is not real love. in act 1, he does not understand the other clearly for what it is, destruction that must end, & the fact that he is suffering. without such awareness, he is incapable of truly giving & receiving love. 

& while act 2 does have similar themes of taking on other's pain, it becomes a stark contrast to act 1 bc he does so from a place of utter assurance of his identity & true self-love, not from the fear of being left alone. he loves himself for who he is so he is able to love for ourselves purely as well.

& as @radiatingdyke has said (& in much more detail than i can) the ladder reflecting the sky can also be a reference to indigenous korean beliefs where the sky represents the entire universe. the creator god is Hanulnim, literally sky god.  

 also, even tho NGDA as a whole is replete w western imagery & references & v catholic, the overarching narrative of the 2 albums don't feel western to me in that there never is a fight between good & evil. a typical western narrative would be more like there would the defeat of like 'criminal' taemin by 'good' taemin or an obvious redemption arc. & to me, idea doesn't read so much as he confronts & then accepts both the good & the bad in him but that he leaves behind these limited concepts altogether & instead connects back to the true essence of the universe & becomes free to be utterly himself.

he’s struggled so much over the course of his career w figuring out how to reconcile the duality of himself, what it means to be authentic as an idol, wishing for his true self to be seen & appreciated. it’s always been looking outward for that validation but skirting away from revealing the whole truth of himself... & idea is the final answer to all that. no more denial, repression, burning away of the past, configuration to other ppl’s desires, no more use of mystery as a defense against the fear of being rejected if people see him for who he really is. he accepts himself for who he is & that’s all that matters.

in classic gaytholic taem fashion, he compares himself to jesus + mary + other divinity in NGDA imagery but ultimately, taemin is done w being both a god & the condemned. “i’ve finally opened my eyes.” he’s never been anything but a human being & he’s showing us all the beauty in that.

[fan-art-ic]

Thinking abt if I hadn't taken last year off I'd be going into my JUNIOR year of college like.....God I fucking hate covid and the passage of time and just JSJDNDMDKSKDJDJKWJEJDDJDJDJ

[borealopelta]

It’s the final episode!! Did Mr Hickey steal Mr Gender’s boots?? Did I see that correctly??

Nobody listening to Lt Little and the fact that even their decision to leave the dying behind (looking at Mr Jopson) ultimately lead to nothing. It’s so tragic to see the means they went to that did absolutely nothing to help their cause and if anything made their suffering worse by putting the weight of their decision to doom the others on them

And then the tragedy of Mr Goodsir. It hurts to consider how good-hearted he was at the beginning of this journey and how corrupted, empty and resigned he is by the end

Something I still don’t understand is Mr Hickey knocking out Mr Tozer? I don’t get it, I suppose it was to chain him to the boat but why not make him pull it like that

Upsetting smash cut to London and people still being optimistic about their rescue party and the next expedition for the Passage…Good Sir, these people are long gone, there’s nothing to rescue…how hopeful they are of the success of their journey

Wasn’t sure about it the last time but Mr Hickey’s accent changes once he’s lost his shit completely and I love it. Also good for him to have his pretty vacation plans ruined! I don't feel bad for Mr Hickey, whatever his plan was, it was stupid and destined to fail. I love the gore and the sound effects of this final fight though, it sounds so surreal but still realistic enough to be off-putting instead of cringey

Another thing I love is the way Silna has the most expressive face and you can almost hear what she’s thinking based on her facial expressions. Oh and her slapping Mr Crozier is just hilarious

But then, good Lord, him being shown the remains of the expedition, seeing the sick they had left behind first, I can’t imagine what he must’ve felt knowing the last thing they did went so against what he believed in. Knowing that his promise has now been broken for good, that he didn’t manage to bring a single man back. How he finds more evidence of their futile attempts at survival, and it ultimately culminating in terror (ha) as he finds Lt Little barely alive and as he dies, he realises there’s nobody left but him now. Except, he’s also gone, he’s been dead a long time now, just like the others. And by the time Silna leaves he’s lost everything he'd had any connection to

And then when the “rescue” arrives he’s giving up the chance to be the man he once was, because that man is dead, dead and gone just like the others...ouch

That’s it!! 3 hours of emotional torture!! Thank you once again for your attention. It's a lot of writing but there's a lot happening at the end so thank you for bearing with me on this journey

Hickey absolutely did steal the jender boots. He's also wearing Irving's coat. I wish to stomp him to death with my hooves

Jopson's death is so fucking upsetting i am Not Thinking About It thank you very much!!!! And yeah the vote makes me so sad,,,props to Dundy for looking Scurvy Chique tho when breaking the news to Edward i look at him and go Ah Homosexuality. Pretty pretty man. But that's beside the point. Yeah it was fucking pointless!!!! They were all already dead!!!! They just went about it in two groups :')

Goodsir is also Whew Mama I Don't Like It. When i first saw his scene it triggered the fuck out of me but like. it did turn into one of my favourite scenes after a bit because it's shot so beautifully. There's beauty here captain blah blah graphic suicide scene my beloved??? Get me to therapy. But he's a scheming evil little man and gave a lil parting gift to camp hickey <3 we stan one (1) posthumous revenge queen.

I think Hickey knocks out Tozer because Tozer wants to turn back to the ships as there are leads now?? Hickey knows Tozer won't go along with the Dangling Them As Tuunbaq Bait plan so he has him knocked out. When he wakes up he's already chained to the boat so even if he doesn't haul he HAS to go with. Tozer's camp mutiny journey is one of my faves tbh <3 anyway that's my take it might not be it tho!!!! idk!!!

Silna is a BAMF and an absolute sweetheart i love her very much and how she just,,,walks past des voeux. like i hate what they did to dezza's character in the show but it was a Good Ending for that version of his character yknow? If he's got to be an evil racist rat bastard then let him die as an evil racist rat bastard deserves to die. but the good and correct des voeux living in my head is a nice boy and i am fighting the urge to write an essay abt him. <3

Crozier getting rescued (haha yeah face slappy!!!) is both a relief and just super heartbreaking because he IS the last one. Silna's cry about Goodsir vs Crozier's devastation when he comes across Jopson. Plus yeah edward,,,,,,,i start crying if i think about it too hard i love little SO MUCH he deserves the world :(( it's so goddamn sad

And the tie-in with the opening scene of go for broke is,,,yeah!!! That's ROSS there his friend Ross!!! He could go with him!!! But there's nothing left for him back in England so he doesn't and he walks away so he doesn't have to see his friend's heart break and,,,,god i just,,,, it's all so sad you know. it kinda would have been better if crozier also died. (this paragraph brought to you by me being consumed by JCR feels last night and still feelin it my heart breaks for him)

anyway!!!! Thank you for including me in this little journey and allowing me to add my silly little thoughts!!!! Thousand kisses for ⛵ anon 💞💞💞

[achinga2]

Pspspps for the ship thing howsa bout wangxian👀👀👀?

THE HUSBANDS

under a read more bc this got. long OOPS

when i started shipping them: since the beginning tbh! I came in knowing these two were the love interests and I really loved their dynamic since the beginning. I was gone for them immeadietly!

my thoughts: OMG. I could write a whole essay on them I love them so much. they have gone through so much and the fact that they get their happy ending is forever comforting for me

what makes me happy about them: GOD ITD BE EASIER TO SAY WHAT DOESNT(nothing) BUT ANYWAY. the way they're just so?? in love? like they understand each other so deeply, and even when they were silly teens growing into themselves they were always so fascinated with each other. but also the fact that like, it's clear they can live without each other. they are both strong and independent, and could flourish on their own....but why would they want to when the other is right there? it's just so!! also their easy domesticity post canon. omg. weeps and sobs

what makes me sad about them: THE LOST TIME...13 years of grief for lwj, 13 years of death for wwx, 13 years (and more if u count the years of misunderstandings) of separation and heartache. it's all worth it in the end but it never fails to make me so emo (esp thinking abt lwj's 13 year mourning)

things done in fanfic that annoys me: whoo boy. there is. so much lmao. BIGGEST ONE IS OBLIVIOUS WANGXIAN. esp if its the "everyone knows except them two" like yall. wwx is not an oblivious dumbass, EVERYONE in the cultivation world thought lwj and him were enemies, and lwj never straight up said he didn't hate wwx pre-death. if I were wwx I would have thought lwj despised me too esp bc of their teenage dynamic. there's more on this but ARGH THATS ANOTHER PAPER. another big one has 2 be self deprecating wwx who thinks lwj is too good for him. LIKE PLS. THATS NOT HIS CHARACTER AT ALLLL STOP DOING HIM LIKE THAT. I also find it so annoying when they make wwx out to be super restless and always wanting to leave and stuff and it's like. home boy's biggest fantasy was to own a cottage w lwj and have a farm and come home to his husband I can assure u he is NOT looking for the next big adventure that takes him away from his home in the Lan sect lol. there's more but then it'll be a full on rant and no one wants that XBNMQPDUTWNE

things I look for in fanfic: the implicit trust! their shameless pda! them being parents to any child in the vicinity! just. established wangxian enjoying each others company and making each other's day a bit brighter by just existing at each other's side

who I'd be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: uh. no one tbh lmao. I don't think anyone gets them like they get each other. if I absolutely HAD to tho....uh. maybe wwx with wen ning? they feel too much like siblings for me tho tbh. and lwj with literally No One Else bc like. what other adult does he choose to get along with that's not his brother or uncle like come on

my happily ever after for them: CANON ENDING IS PERFECT. they are happily married, doing their every day, doting on their sect kids, and just generally enjoying life with each other. I guess further than that...I like both the idea of them becoming immortal cultivators together and also them dying together at old age. I think either one would make them happy as long as they're together

who is the big spoon/little spoon: oh wwx is absolutely big spoon but mostly bc he's like an octopus that likes to wrap his limbs around lwj in order to sleep LMAO

what is their favorite non sexual activity: aaa if I had to pick, I think it's their morning routine. there's just something so tender abt wwx letting himself be extremely vulnerable and be taken care of by lwj in the mornings, and lwj being able to do this for wwx after so many years. still remembering the passage where when lwj puts more-than-half-asleep wwx in the bathtub and gently shoves him, wwx just reaches for lwj's hand and kisses it like AUGH. THE INTIMACY.

[oh-mother-of-darkness]

hello this isnt abt batfam or batman but i saw your age and was wondering how do i survive till 23? i am 18 now and 5 more years is very hard to survive please help

Interesting question. I turn 24 in ten days, and sometimes even I’m not sure. I guess I’ll talk about how I personally stayed alive this long before I try to give advice.

The very first thing I would say is that I am religious, and that worldview makes a difference. I don’t mean that in a “everything happens for a reason” kind of way, and as a matter of fact, I very much dislike that line of thinking. It does a lot of damage, and I’m aware that it rightly puts a lot of people off from religion in general. 

I hold two beliefs that I think are helpful in terms of survival. First, I believe that humans are by nature bad. Counterintuitive in this conversation? Stick with me. Every day, but especially at my lowest moments, I hate the things that I am. In a metaphorical sense, my mind whispers to me that I am selfish, that I am cowardly, that I think bad things and I am capable of worse. I’m hateful, I’m terrifying, and I am absolutely broken. At my core, there is something fundamentally wrong, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t fix it. 

I am disgusting. I’m several thousand evil things in a trench-coat pretending to be anything but myself, and I’m not fooling anyone. 

Well, yeah. Yeah, I’m all those things and more: manipulative, lying, self-obsessed, angry, unforgiving, and judgmental. I could, of course, go on.

Here’s the thing-- everybody is. I am no better and no worse than any other person in the universe, and though I am ever abhorrent thing, I am. I have the same dignity, the same worth, and the same life as any human anywhere. The dark things are part and parcel of my humanity, but although I am not good, I do good. 

I will never be perfect because that just isn’t possible, but I can be kind. I can be loving, I can be strong, and I can be wise. 

Shit, doesn’t that set me free?

There’s a lot more to this conversation, and the rest goes, in brief, like this: at the bottom of the darkness that is every soul, we have one great fear-- if I am truly evil, no one will ever love me. Good news on that front, there is a God who does. If that’s something you want to talk about, hey hit me up. I’ll evangelize on my own time. 

Back to it. My second belief is a kind of understanding about the passage of time, and it’s sort of hard to boil down into a few sentences, but I’ll try my best. I believe in a grand struggle between good and evil. I know the beginning of that struggle. I know the end of that struggle: that good will win. I am a part of the middle. 

I see my role in the universe as extraordinary small but absolutely necessary. I have a two-fold purpose-- love God, love humans. I interpret both as a call to help others in any way I can, and I think in the way my life has worked out so far, that’s really the most important thing keeping me alive. 

I see all of this through the frame of my religion, but I would argue that everything I’ve said so far is applicable outside of that frame, because a lot of folks get to the same place from a fully secular point of view. I cannot be perfect. I should care about and fight for other people. That’s really all we’re working from here. 

A few years back, when people asked me this question-- how do you stay alive?-- I used to answer “spite,” and that’s not untrue. I am a very angry person, and the grand majority of that anger is directed at what I perceive as unjust acts. I have a deep-seated hatred of establishments (including the established church), and you’d be shocked at how much of a motivator that can be. 

I grew up in an environment that was very intentional in teaching me to identify injustice. Though I have radically departed from many of the teachings of my childhood, the part about fighting for others was something I learned at day one, and that bit has stuck around. For the most part, I grew up in an environment where everyone was on the same page about it. 

And theeeeeeen I went to undergrad. Hello, Texas A&M. I hit campus as an 18 year old fully incapacitated by anxiety. I was the kind of person who didn’t-- in fact couldn’t-- speak in front of others. I had always lived my life in a way that minimized myself, because if I never spoke, if I never disagreed, if I never drew attention, I would never make anyone angry. I knew from experience that angry people hurt me, and I was afraid of pain. 

Then I experienced the absolute shenaniganry of conservative Texans. The culture shock sent me to space and back, and on the return trip I decided that I couldn’t be quiet anymore. 

I learned to speak my freshman year so that I could scream FUCK YOU. It was incredibly painful, and I can’t tell you exactly how I managed it other than I was angry, and I didn’t want to lose. 

I fought a similar battle on my homefront against parents that didn’t know how to deal with a daughter that disagreed, or even worse, a daughter that wasn’t okay. I wasn’t a perfect child anymore. I knew I had anxiety, I knew I was depressed, and we all knew who I blamed for that. They hadn’t been the perfect parents they thought they were. 

I found myself growing, little by little, into a person that could write and argue and hold her ground. That’s personal growth for sure, but it didn’t necessarily help my mental health. As a matter of fact, my health declined all through undergrad, and in my third and final year, I cracked.

I was desperate. I was isolated. I was flooded by fear and despair, and I was falling apart. I don’t remember huge chunks of undergrad because I was so depressed that the memories didn’t stick, but I do remember my tipping point.

It was something small. The ceiling fan in my bedroom was broken. The lighting chain worked fine, but if anyone pulled the fan chain, the whole thing would stop working. I mixed up which chain was which, pulled the wrong cord, and broke it for the fourth time. 

For some reason, that was it. I lay down on my floor and cried for an hour, and while I did, my mind went to, as the kids say, a dark place. Finally, I called my mom and begged for psychiatric medication, something I had always been afraid to ask for. At the time, my parents believed that antidepressants were overprescribed, and they mocked parents that let their children take them. 

At around the same time, I was deciding what to do with my life. I was about to graduate, and I had always wanted to be a kindergarten teacher. Instead, everyone in my life pushed me towards law school. I didn’t know what to do, but I began fantasizing, not about going to law school exactly, but about being the kind of person that could go to law school. 

I knew that law school would be entail public speaking and constant conflict and the kind of work that would be hard for a person who sometimes couldn’t leave her bed. I wanted to be someone who could do all of that, but I didn’t believe I was.

Enter Donald Trump. Post-November 2016, I struggled to understand how something like that could happen, and I watched everyone else deal with it too. I began confused, moved to distraught, then returned to what I always am: angry.

January 2017 was the inauguration and shortly afterwards, the “Muslim ban.” I read the news on my bedroom floor, and there was one specific part that stuck out to me. There were pictures of lawyers flooding the airports. There was a court case headed for SCOTUS.

I suddenly realized that one group-- one very select group-- was doing what I was powerless to accomplish. I hated establishments, and there was one group that could challenge and change them. Some people could fight in the way I wanted to, and those people were lawyers.

I have a very distinct memory of looking into the bathroom mirror of my third-year apartment and thinking, “I will be miserable for the rest of my life, no matter what I do or what career I pick. I might as well be a miserable lawyer.”

So I took my antidepressants and I went to law school. I’m not going to rehash everything that happened there in this particular post, because in this topic, I don’t think it matters. The relevant part is that I went, and I had my reason why.

Sure as hell can tell you that law school wasn’t good for my health. The last three years have been, in terms of sheer stress and despair, the worst of my life. I picked up a self-harm habit, endured consistent humiliation, cycled through six different antidepressants, had horrible relationships, and developed a psychotic disorder. Don’t get me wrong, there were good things too. I met people that are important me, and beyond that, I grew. 

I know that 18 year old me would be absolutely flabbergasted by the woman I am now, cracks and flaws included. I wouldn’t say I’m healthy or okay, but I am more healthy and more okay. I’m coming out of this mess with the institutional power I wanted, and now I get to decide what to do with it. 

I was wrong three years ago when I looked in that bathroom mirror. I know now that I won’t be miserable for the rest of my life. I’m going to be happy someday, and to the parts of me that say otherwise: fuck you. I’ve learned to say it now. 

I graduated law school this week, and this month, I’ve felt better than I ever have before. I’m singing again, I dropped two medications, and suddenly, everything is so, so funny. I’ve been laughing so hard my face hurts the day after. 

This is a huge turning point in my life, so I’ve been meditating on my past. I’ve come to the conclusion that in most of the ways that matter, I won. My family has been forced to accept what I am. I became the person I wanted to be, even though I thought I wasn’t capable of that. 

I know for sure that there will be times in my life where I hit rock bottom again, and that’s not gonna be fun. It’s likely that with my mental health issues, I will always have to work harder than my peers to get the same results. That’s unfair. 

I also know that high points exist, and I will have them. I am having them, and I will again. 

I guess in recap, I know that I have deep flaws and ugly parts, but I am at peace with that. I know that I must help others, and in pursuit of that goal, I became a person I like more than the girl I used to be. 

You have exactly the same potential. I want you to know that whatever you are now, that’s not your forever. Circumstances change, and you will change too. We’re human, you and I, and that’s an exciting thing to be. 

Your worth comes from your humanity itself, both evil and good, not the things you do or the fights you win. You never have to compare yourself to others because you are exactly the same as everybody else-- no better, but certainly no worse. You’re a person. That’s enough. 

I’m telling you all those things, and as advice, I’ll say this: get angry and fight. Fight for others. You can help them, and you should. Fight for yourself. You are worthy of respect, and everyone else should give it to you. Fight yourself. Any part of you that preaches despair is wrong. 

Find the thing that makes you angry and use it. Things are fucked up! There’s a lot to be angry about. I put it this way to my classmates, now my attorney peers: you get one hill to die on. What’s your hill? Go and defend it. 

Here’s an interesting thing, anon. Your hill can be yourself. There’s nothing wrong with that. You’re right. Five years is a lot, and all the years beyond that are more. Take your antidepressants and go.

[lifeinthegladhouse]

long personal post apologies to anyone on mobile, just...scroll on by...

---

There’s so many things............I wanted to achieve in 2020, which is I’m sure what everyone has said. Somehow I still think 2017 was worse, but .... I don’t know. I was really alone then. I almost lost both my parents, this year I was safe with a better job, good partner, and only lost one (at least I got to see her once in a decade to say goodbye)....ultimately this brought me to heathenism in a weird and roundabout way. It’s hard to know she was really walking around with this poorly depicted Viking nonsense ‘false odin’ with cerberus (why?) going on, lord, she would’ve hated left heathens BUT ALSO wasn’t even a pagan to begin with (so she says, but being a pentecostal and having psychosis, while this does not a pagan make, made for a quite magickal and brutal experience). my mother was a trickster entity in living flesh. at first, i learned into having guides for the first time. i wondered if it was a coping mechanism, but i shrugged, because it was not my intention to see the numbers repeating, or the ‘loki’ every..single..day..for a week... in the weirdest fucking places... it was not my intention to lose my best friends in this city (which is not my final destination, ha) because they were too busy having poly drama, to, idk, support their friend, and then ghosted me, or came up with some weird passive aggressive bullshit. it totally dominated my 2020 - the pandemic, then mom dying, then the deities, then the loss. my card of the year was the hermit, i thought that was such a joke considering the pandemic. how could that then apply to me more personally? I haven’t had time or space mentally to recount the beautiful parts of the year because we’ve been stuck inside, inside during riots, inside during west coast smoke hell, inside where the spiders are. astoria was beautiful. it was god given. i knew what was real was real that day. it’s been seven months since mom passed, and i know her spirit has contacted me. it has brought me closer to my own spirituality which was accidentally rampant chaos magick that i was unaware of - introduced to me by ten years of tricksters who I never quite recognized. at the altar, id pull cards, i began to learn runes, and id ask, “were you always there? was that the presence that was always there?” I don’t know, much of the paranoid presence I felt my whole life ended when mom died. so much ended. i still want to write about it. again and again. because i forget that it happened, i compressed it so far back. everyone walked away and all that remained was my partner and the unseen. i would get straight answers on the altar, but never for that question. i never understood, and still hardly do, why loki came - was it to console me after the passing of my mother? somehow a veil had been lifted and my already wack ass intuition became 25% greater, somehow i felt seen and heard by others. at first, i was scared... i had always gravitated unknowingly towards tricksters and mercurial beings, loki came during the week of L*ghnasadh, after I’d been reading abt the ACTUAL “mercury”/hermes.... it was as if to be like, oh, you’re looking to NAME US FINALLY? THIS ENERGY, HERE _______. I was a little sheepish of Odin because of the association..... and I never quite got an answer. Sometimes still, I am struggling to understand this deity, however many a time loud and clear he and Loki have responded within the half-hour, be it some really weird ultra-specific shit to crop up, flickering shit, popping, knocking over. I turn to him frequently as, the more I read, the more I trust... this understanding of inarticulatable parts of myself - when I read about odr I was thinking of what this could mean for me, especially as a trans person, and it moved me. when I think about knowledge, and loss... when I think of the underdog vying that Odin (and of course Loki) represent, it is always with grace and honor that I am glad to be In It. I struggle tho, cos no matter how viscerally real my experiences have been, and no matter how little I would ever wish to disrespect them by denying faith, as a human who has run far from christianity and is skeptical of everything, every day, I’m like, ‘how much can I lean into this? is this ‘weird’ or delusional? am i acting like a child?” but, ..... I have learned from many smart and creative folks of the same ilk that we are not alone and the passage of time cannot destroy old gods so easily, and I am honored to be called to that. 2020.....that is.....to me, the year of death and rebirth. it was the only parting gift mom could give me. as she died, I told her I knew the lord had brought me there. I knew we had made it JUST in time, by many many strokes of good ‘luck’, to see her off. the last day we saw her was the last day she’d ever seen both her children together in her life. of course, she probably hardly recognized me. and she loved my brother more. had spent less time with him. oh lord, she did look at me with burning eyes of distrust and hatred, but that was not her fault. she was so ill. god she was so ill. dad joked, after she died, ‘maybe she’ll finally be in valhalla’, he didnt know what that meant. mom was a ‘devout’ christian woman of “god”. she was no pagan. she did not serve odin. but 2 months later when I discovered them, I heard his words ringing in my head, and I had to laugh. It’s been so hard...losing the queer comrades I had with me because of ? what ? exactly ? I still dn’t know, watching someone I spent 3 years being ‘close’ to basically patronize me that she always had reservations about us, never let me in, or get closer, like real friends, .... id cry and cry thinking, why, did i lose the one figure who brought me into this world, who i never had, for ten years, who abandoned me and hated every ounce of my being, and to confront this NOW in the middle of a pandemic, where i have zero way to the outside world to cope, and then to be left behind AGAIN by SO MANY PEOPLE, i felt Loki’s comforting presence. I’m trying to focus on the future again, that’s what 2021 is giving me. the “year” label, “when mom died” is over. even if that event forever changed my life far beyond that of a normal passing (?) I mean, it’s never normal when a mom dies, much less a woman like her, have mercy, it’s over. 2021 is the “year when we move to los angeles” its the “year when i start a REAL band again instead of be a side piece for a woman who cant get real with herself and her drum machine”, the “year when maybe ill take my adhd meds and hrt” we’re suspended in a stasis, there are big ups and downs. in two weeks i quit my med of 2 years, because it’s causing harm and i actually dont technically need to be on it anymore. im scared and excited. i need the change. i need the CHOICE. 

[prophezeiung]

the raven cycle

send me a fandom and i’ll tell you... ( accepting )

the first character i ever fell in love with: my main boy adam parrish.... on every reread since i have realized that he is a lil yikes in the beginning and loses his rights more than once but 17yo me said Ya Me Too every time adam did smt stupid... i am glad we both grew as people tho dkfkjfg

a character that i used to love/like, but now do not: hmmm there only person that comes to mind is the gray man and i used to start off neutral towards him... like he’s a good character and antagonist and i respect him, but i’ve come to realize that his plot and the message it sends is just messed up...

a ship that i used to love/like, but now do not: blue and adam for obvious reasons, their bond is precious to me but nah that wasn’t it

my ultimate favorite character™: joseph kavinsky........ i straight up forgot how much i loved him and then i reread and it hit me all at once... now all i live dream breathe kavinsky it’s really not cute anymore... luna stop projecting on extremely terrible characters challenge but i fail every time..... also ronan lynch and adam parrish obviously

prettiest character: persephone in my head is just.... chef’s kiss..... also adam is straight up a work of art... beautiful man.... and last but not least piper greenmantle... i am so in love with her it hurts op she is straight up HOT

my most hated character: mr :) gray :) i’m sorry i blame this mostly on magpie and how she treats him esp in the context of who-deserves-redemption but yo it straight up sucks all my homies hate the gray man ... niall lynch is also a terrible fucking man i hate him too... also OFC barrington whelk but he is so pathetic and shitty i can’t even waste my energy on hating him you feel me

my OTP: ....... prokovinsky i hope that’s allowed...... also sarchengsey idc what y’all say they are meant to be <3 <3 <3 and pynch ofc !!!!! also? i blame @treppenwitzz​ and @zukunftsvision​? but pynchvinsky is so spicy and i think so much about it, especially with the persephone passage y’all pointed out about the instability of two... the entire series has been about 3s i think both sarchengsey and pynchvinsky are very appropriate

my NOTP: maura and the gr*y m*n pls maura make good choices !!!!!!

favorite episode chapter/scene: the entirety of tdt plays on a loop in my head but if i had to pick it’d be the one where blue and noah kiss, the one where ronan dreams of adam and k, the one where ronan dreams the camaro and i am fuckin crying thinking abt it lol...... honorable mention tho to the lamp moment it’s so fucking iconic

saddest death: definitely not kavinksy kavinsky didn’t die???? so it’s gotta be noah if that counts or someone else i can’t tell u bc spoilers :/

favorite season book: the dream thieves oh my god so much is revealed and the ronan povs are everything !!!! also kavinsky obviously. trk is up there too if only for henry cheng and that ending baby

least favorite season book: hmmmmm tdt too for all the gray man chapters and that ending

character that everyone else in the fandom loves, but i hate: i?? don’t know?? i think my opinions are p in line with the fandom i don’t hate that many characters, maybe the fandom is a lil too lenient on the gray man for my taste but that’s it?

my ‘you’re piece of trash, but you’re still a fave’ fave: all of the main boys op lmao ronan and gansey and even adam are so annoying and stupid but i love them with my everything. also maybe greenmantle ugh he is such an asshole bad person but he is FUN to me !!!! anyway if u want the obvious answer tho it’s kavinsky, who else

my ‘beautiful cinnamon roll who deserves better than this’ fave: noah czerny... my boy.... we deserved so much more noah so i am so grateful to everyone who writes him... same goes for henry i am mad and upset we didn’t get 4 books of henry’s glory but u know what imma fix that

my ‘this ship is wrong, nasty, and makes me want to cleanse my soul, but i still love it’ ship: any ship involving k is just wrong and bad but especially if it involves declan or noah or gansey. terrible but honestly i would not say no.

my ‘they’re kind of cute, and i lowkey ship them, but i’m not too invested’ ship: bluesey without henry... adansey.... ronan and noah idk what the ship name is but it’s prob ridiculous....  yeah..

[leatherbookmarking]

i. know i had that post abt qin su and jiggy finding out, being appropriately terrified and orchestrating jgs’ murder with an army of his bastards, but since i had a thought about jin rusong the alive child...

consider: the above, except qin su is already in love with the child that’s growing inside her. he was, as opposed to some, conceived out of love; there’s no reason to punish him for crimes he didn’t commit. jiggy, of course, has a different opinion, and they argue in whisper-shouting (which is, to be honest, quite counter-productive, so they quickly stop and/or move behind the mirror). they reach an understanding,

and eventually jin guangyao and young madam jin are known as the most unbearably paranoid future parents to ever exist.

healers hate them. no, young madam jin, mild pollen allergy usually doesn’t kill-- i’m sorry, it simply does not kill. it is not possible. what about colds? a-yao said he would catch a cold often as a child, what if it’s-- the chief healer of the jin sect takes a calming breath. everyone gets sick sometimes. but jinlintai is properly isolated, so unless you’re dangling the baby out in the cold on purpose (i am only assuming you would not do that), with the proper care it will DEFINITELY receive, NOTHING WRONG SHOULD HAPPEN.

young madam jin is silent for a while. chief healer is about to sigh with relief.

and then the horrible woman opens her mouth again.

the healers should just give her the baby to deal with, says one cousin to another over tea. if she has to feed, entertain and clean after the baby, she surely won’t have time to complain and bother everyone with her never-ending questions! i understand being scared, i had my doubts as a young mother, but...

oh, but you know, the father is jin guangyao, the other cousin says. this man would rather eat his own hat than have something not under control. imagine the life of this kid!

exasperated nods.

by the end of qin su’s pregnancy, the entirety of jinlintai would, without batting an eye, heartily assure her everything is on order, in fact, that’s how it should be! perfect! even if her child had six fingers in both hands and a tail growing out of its forehead.

(they, however, hope nothing of this sort happens.)

(it, coincidentally, is exactly what the horrible future parents have wanted)

a-yao, says lan xichen very gently, i really think you shouldn’t worry so much. your child is lucky to be born to such wonderful parents, and--

jin guangyao’s eyes widen in panic. er-ge, he whispers. er-ge, i don’t know how to be a father. how am i going to--? what if i do something wrong--? what if---?!

lan xichen gazes gently into the camera.

young master jin, future jin rusong, is born; the birth itself is quick and uneventful, save for, well, the baby being born. he is healthy, not too small, not too big, with healthy lungs. young madam jin wasn’t even in that much pain. gods themselves have smiled upon young master jin, people say! no, the people in jinlintai think. WE have FROWNED at young madam jin’s belly (carefully, behind her back), diplomatically suggesting for the baby to be in perfect health, OR ELSE.

oh, do they eat their words. oh, do they wish the boy was of fragile constitution, staying in bed or safe in his warm room. because future jin rusong is demon incarnate. he is also, coincidentally, the most beautiful child anyone has ever laid their eyes upon, having his mother’s dark, innocent eyes and his father’s charming dimples, but this is where his good traits end.

he is a MENACE.

presented with OBJECTS, he grabbed the brush and immediately shoved it into his mouth, almost making his poor mother drop him; and that gesture will stay with him for the rest of his life. he tries to eat his mother’s fingers, his father’s fingers. robes? do you mean a snack? actual food is of no concern to him if he can CONSUME literally everything around him. jin guangyao turns away for one!!! (1) second, yet when he turns back, he finds his son has, in the meantime:

nibbled on the inkstone

tried the ink as well

and got it on his little stupid hands and his little stupid offwhite robe

tried the brush, guess which tip

started on the letter his poor sod of a father was writing.

is this normal, whispers young madam jin weakly.

yes, says the head healer automatically.

qin su and jiggy stop worrying as an act and start worrying for real.

by the time he’s six, jin rusong has tasted most of what there is, and isn’t, to taste in jinlintai, including but not limited to curtains, floors, his mother’s jewellery, suibian (to put it gently, it was a memorable day), baxia’s hilt (nie mingjue snorted), the ends of lan xichen’s head ribbon, alcohol, the cup that used to have alcohol in it, by which i mean that jin rusong dumped it on his face, licked his lips and then the cup clean, fairy’s ears, fairy’s paws, nie huaisang’s fan, the robes of perhaps every resident, a bell, a hand and hair of his cousin, jin rulan.

he’s a horrible thief and doesn’t even notice it. he just starts idly playing with an object, like his aunt’s bracelet, after a while says goodbye like a well-behaved boy and leaves, and then several hours later comes back, terrified out of his mind, apologizing, in tears. and oh, does his crying face make everyone’s hearts melt.

he’s sneaky and his steps are virtually inaudible, and upon finding out about this fact, several people in jinlintai suddenly flash back to their affairs and feel cold sweat on their back. some suspect he has developed the ability to turn invisible. his parents and teachers are out of ideas on how to keep him in his room, aside from “iron handcuffs and an iron pole with a stabilizing talisman on it” which seem a little bit too much. who teaches him all that? unclear.

he was supposed to copy a text and think about it; he is found three hours later, soaking wet and with a new friend (frog). he’s been hiding in the lotus pond, ducking underwater when there was someone passing by. he was supposed to practice sword forms with jin rulan and an older disciple; they are found gorging on steamed buns in the nearby market. jin rulan doesn’t know how it happened, and it infuriates him. the disciple knows, and the answer is “those damn dimples and sparkling eyes” but no one’s asking him, so.

by the time he’s nine, he limits the CONSUMPTION to the bare necessary minimum (food, his own fingernails, and the correct tip of the brush) but follows jin rulan like an enamoured puppy, thinking he is Literally The Coolest. jin rulan appreciates that very much, but sometimes... when he’s trying to be cool, you know? an annoying little cousin shouting at him to COME SEE I FOUND A REALLY COOL BUG? is kind of, ruining his vibe, okay.

you know what, actually i planned to end this post like 200 words earlier, with a vaguely ominous passage about how “sect leader jin and his wife are a perfect couple! usually there are rumors, even minor, about all sect marriages, but none about them! truly an example to be followed!” (meaning: they were MURDERED). 

then i was like oh! what if rusong was a mess, and there was no assassination attempt, or rather: there were, but through food, and rusong’s parents caught on quickly and started to train their child, who likes to CONSUME, to automatically neutralize various types of poisons with his core (once he ate something that would have killed a non-cultivating adult man and only mentioned it was ‘making his tongue all tingly’. that’s very funny, a-song, jin guangyao said, and then went to have a fucking drink)

but... then... i got distracted by Chaos Child Jin Rusong... and i don’t know what happened? please imagine jin rusong, 13, seeing “”””mo xuanyu”””” and being like oh! oh! xiaoshu! XIAOSHU YOU’RE BACK LOOK I HAVE A SWORD WOW YOU’RE SO TALL

““““mo xuanyu”““““: ????? whomst the Fuck

what else happens in this au? does nie mingjue not get murdered, due to ‘being the cool uncle with a big saber’? does that mean wwx does not get resurrected? does jiggy kill mingjue anyway, and everything is as it was originally, along with the guanyin temple and there is ONE MORE traumatized person? does it go completely differently? i don’t know!!! i don’t know!!! i really don’t know!!!