#Give us Snuff Out the Light in theatres!

[enby-denby]

I would almost be ok with a Live-Action Emperor's New Groove... if they re-wrote it to be more like their original concept: Kingdom of the Sun

[luveline]

𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐞𝐝𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐩𝐡𝐨𝐭𝐨𝐬

Aaron sets the record straight when an overheard conversation convinces you that you’re not good enough for him. 5k

c: fem, hurt/comfort, fluff, suggestive theme (non-graphic implied sex scene). hotch is a good husband. requested here  

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“Honey, this is Clint McMoore. We went to college together.”

You step into Aaron’s side. Clint McMoore is a handsome older man with silvering hair and a beard that looks out of control. His bowtie is loose around his neck, and his cheeks are blotchy with drink, but Clint smiles at you and offers his hand. “How do you do?” he asks. 

“Quite well, thank you.” You’ve been practising fancy dinner talk with Aaron’s friend Emily for weeks. She has all the political background you’d needed to see yourself into the culture. “It’s nice to meet one of Aaron’s school friends.” 

“While you still can,” Clint says with a chuckle. Something about being in your forties is obscene to these men, as though death waits for fifty candles to snuff them out. 

“Clint and I were in the Student Theatre club together, our first year.”

You grin, smile laced with teasing. Each time you’re reminded of Aaron’s young interest in drama, you have to focus very hard on not laughing; the Aaron who has his hand to your shoulder isn’t one you could envision on stage. “Did you perform together?” you ask. 

“Saturday Night Fever,” Clint says. 

They laugh and reminisce. You find these sorts of events hard to keep up with, but you come when Aaron asks because he so rarely asks you for anything. He hasn’t mentioned knowing that you don’t like coming, But perhaps he hasn’t noticed —it’s not like you to frown, not when you’re with Aaron. The way he treats you, he probably thinks you’re the happiest girl in the world. 

There’s a contentedness to be found when he touches you. He spreads a hand against your lower back and you let yourself sink into his side, curled into his embrace and amazed at the giggly laugh he lets out as Clint brings up the ‘King of the River’ tattoo Aaron has hidden beneath his shirt. You’re tempted to kiss his cheek.

Clint asks, “Isn’t that right?” and forces you back into the conversation. 

You’re wearing a dress you panicked over for days. It’s black, cut playfully just above your knees with small petal sleeves. Your necklace is of a delicate chain and a not so delicate pearl —a black Tahitian South Sea pearl that glows pink and green in the light. For you, Aaron wrote, his pretty scrawl inky across a square of scalloped card from atop the box. I’m in love with you. Forgive me for not having the courage to tell you in person. 

Your Aaron is quiet. Some days he comes home from work and doesn’t manage more than a sentence. Some days he can barely speak at all. But there are nights when he holds you to hold you and talks in murmurs against your ear, and he’s good at making calls when he’s away. Talking or not, smiling or otherwise, Aaron finds a way to let you know he loves you, and that’s all you care about. 

“Excuse us,” Aaron says, giving Clint a rare, warm smile, “I’m being flagged by my boss.” 

Sure enough, Erin Strauss is beckoning Aaron with a strange pained look.

“Nice to meet you,” you say quickly to Clint. He repeats your goodbye, and you and Aaron swerve around him. 

“He was nice,” you murmur. 

“Yeah, he’s okay.”

“How come you fell out of touch?” 

“Oh, you know how things go, honey, you forget all the people you meet and make room for new ones.” He kisses your cheek. “And besides, he used to gossip like my mother. Why don’t you go find JJ?” 

“You’ll be alright?” 

“No, maybe not.” He squeezes your elbow quickly. “Go, find some hors d’oeuvres, at least.”

You find neither JJ nor finger foods. The gala you’re attending is being held in a hotel in the richest part of D.C, and the events hall is huge. The ceiling is a fantasy, glass and miles upward, overhead chandeliers dangling lower, dousing the crowds below in a light that’s clean. The rich and powerful gather at the edges of the room, though the performance toward the back of the room is watched by a few tens of couples with flutes of champagne held in gloved hands. 

You hadn’t worn gloves. Hadn’t thought about it until you got here. Honestly, you felt grateful enough that JJ texted you to tell you to buy a shawl; if you weren’t wearing one you’re sure you’d feel bare. 

What you’re lacking in fancy is made up for by your earnestness, or so you’d like to believe. You aren’t rich nor powerful, but Aaron’s a good man and you his good wife. You work hard, which is more than some of the richest in the room can say. You hold your head high without a second thought. 

The hall is confusing. Tables are set but you aren’t sure Aaron said anything about a dinner service. Wait staff carry silver platters and hold bottles of champagne, but each time you approach one they seem to have already headed in another direction. JJ and Derek are both supposed to be here tonight, but you haven’t seen either of them since you arrived. You cast your gaze for Derek’s figure, searching for an easy gait and a strong set of shoulders. You cock your head waiting for a hint of JJ’s practised, polite laughter, but any familiar signs are gone. You can’t even find Aaron anymore, and your shoes are pinching your toes.

Disaster. You should’ve listened to Aaron when he told you to size up, just you doubted his knowledge of ladies shoes considering how rarely he wears them. Stupid man, you think to yourself, lovingly yet ruefully as you sit down at one of the uninhabited tables to the very side of the room. Knows everything. Tonight, you’ll limp back to the car and he won’t bother saying I told you so, he’s too good for it, which is worse. He’ll give you one of his amused smiles. He might offer you a massage. 

Ridiculous man, you further to yourself, biting back a cheesy smile as you peel your shoe from a sore foot. If you shove your hand deep enough into the toe you can stretch them out a little. 

“Darling.” 

You look up. Clint McMoore’s resurfaced just a table away with his back to you. A sweet-faced woman with brown hair sits adjacent to him, her shoulder under Clint’s hand. 

“You’ll never guess who I just bumped into,” he says. 

Me, you think. 

“Aaron Hotchner and his new wife.” 

“You didn’t,” the woman says. 

“I knew you’d be envious of that,” he laughs. “Charlotte, she’s unbelievable.” 

Your stomach does a strange flip. He’ll say something nice, you insist, but you know his tone is a precursor for gossipy nonsense. 

“I’ve never seen such a mismatched pair,” he says. 

Charlotte rolls her eyes at him. “Well, what were you expecting? They were married after six months of knowing one another. I couldn’t so much as tolerate you until our first anniversary.” 

“Hardy-har.” 

“What’s wrong with her, then?” Charlotte asks. 

“Nothing like that, Charlotte. She seemed perfectly pleasant–”

“But?” 

“But, she’s nothing like Aaron’s usual woman.” 

“Hm, I said as much when we saw their wedding photos.“ They both laugh. “It’s not like she had much of a chance. First Haley, and then that Beth, the designer, she’s in Milan now–”

“He seems rather besotted, in any case,” Clint says. “Very lady and the tramp.” 

“Gentleman and the tramp.” 

“Don’t be cruel, Charlotte.” 

You know in a way that Charlotte is kidding, but you boil up with anger the moment you recognise what it is they’re implying. Then they laugh, and your anger quickly finds itself taking a crueller shape. 

You slip your foot back into your shoe slowly. Your throat feels dry and then warm, like a crux of smouldering coal stuck in your windpipe as you stand, jerkily, hand stiff where it holds your weight on a silken tablecloth. 

You blink and stare at the floor. It’s marble. It’s shot through with dark veins like a drop of ichor in water. 

What the fuck? 

You aren’t sure why you’re leaving the hall until you’re walking down the steps of the hotel and turning along the skirts of a hedge. A low brick wall lies in front of it, just short enough to sit on with your heels. Your coccyx stings with the force of how hard you go down. 

Your head races with hurt feelings. 

You’re not unaware of your husband’s past loves. It comes as no surprise to you that people regard Haley and Beth highly —Haley was extremely beautiful and veritably brave, intelligent, kind-hearted. Beth was funny, Aaron said, and not too much else. Being a designer in Milan hasn’t been mentioned before, but it’s impressive. They’re both impressive, and– and his usual woman. 

You rub the starchy stockings stretched over your knees. 

What had they meant by usual woman?

Mismatched? 

It hadn’t felt mismatched when Aaron asked you to marry him. It wasn’t six months after knowing one another as Clint’s wife suggested, but it wasn’t much more than that. He proposed to you after eight months together, and you were married two months later, which is incredibly fast to some people but it just hadn't felt fast when he asked. It was exciting —it still is. 

“Would you marry me, if I asked you to?” he’d said, some seven months after you’d agreed to be his girlfriend. Your head in his lap, his fingers rubbing at the soft skin of your nape. A sleepy Sunday morning like any other, you suppose that was a proposal in itself, but you hadn’t realised that when you murmured, “Yeah, handsome. I would.” 

You thought it was just love. Making innocuous comments about the future is part of falling in love. It’s terrifying to tell someone that you’d like to live life in their lap, but you tell them, and they tell you to go ahead if you’re lucky. 

He asked you to get married a few weeks later. “I had to talk to Jack,” he explained, “or I would’ve asked you then and there.“

You’re a wife suddenly, a step-mother, a partner. Aaron would’ve sold the house and bought you a new one if you wanted him to, but you like his life. You’ve always felt like you fit right in. 

Angry again, you scrub at your knees with itchy palms and practise how you’re going to tell Aaron about his cruel friend. Gossipy was right, what a lark, and you’re not perfectly pleasant, you’re a delight, you hadn’t said one bad word to Clint and you didn’t deserve to be whipped and twisted into a bad joke between sips of Cristal. 

Your eyes burn with the injustice of the thing. 

Rawness overtakes. A thudding in your chest turns painful, neck wrought with tightness as you hang your head. Hiding from the cold air. November brings with it a promise of chapped lips the longer you stay there, biting into your thighs as your hands turn stiff with disuse. 

She was unbelievable. 

“Y/N!” The shout is sharp. You’ve never heard Aaron’s voice at that level or with that level of formidability, carrying from the bottom of the hotel stairs. You twist in shock on the wall and watch in real time as his face fills with relief. “Honey,” he says, calling but not half as scary as he jogs to you, “are you alright?” 

“What?” 

“You scared me,” he insists, bending down to hold your shoulders. “Nobody’s seen you for the last fifteen minutes, sweetheart, we talked about this. You can’t just disappear, you left your purse on the table, I thought something happened to you.” 

You startle at his scolding. “I–”

“You should feel my heart.” 

“I didn’t mean to come out here.” 

“I wish you would’ve let somebody know,” he says. His frown softens slowly, but the concern around his eyes remains. “What?” he asks. 

“Sorry.” 

His eyes finally soften. “No, I’m sorry. It’s alright, I just worry when you’re not with me.” 

“That’s romantic.” 

He holds your cheek, pulling you in, and gives you two gentle kisses. Your lips part instinctively to receive them. “We’ll get our things and go home. It looks as though dinner isn’t happening.” He smiles. “Why were you out here?” 

“Scavenging for food.” 

That gets a laugh out of him, and another nice kiss. “You tried your best.” 

—

Aaron takes you home, and when dinner’s been cleared away, when you’ve showered and he’s undressed, he pulls you toward the bed and kisses you warmly. His eyes track from your face to the tucked corner of your towel, a silent Can I?

You let him take it off. He lays you out, and for a while you’re only his. His wife, his half, his to tease and turn and delight. He says “Beautiful,” against your thigh, says, “Honey, is that okay?” says, “Please, I’ve got it, I have you, just let me have you…” 

After, he tells you he loves you, his voice still ever so slightly high in contrast to usual dulcet tones. 

“I love you, too,” you say. 

His breath comes fast. Your lap is a mess he’d wiped as clean as he could manage, the memory of him bearing down on you yet to fade. He lies on his stomach beside you with his arm over yours, his face turned into you, his nose on your cheek. 

“Are you alright?” he asks softly. “You feel tense.”

“Mm.” 

“No, did I hurt you? You’re rigid.” His hands fret a line down the side of your chest. “You didn’t…” 

You hadn’t said anything, because he really hadn’t hurt you. But the thoughts you’re having now are intrusive —am I okay? you think. Do I measure up? He’s never made any indication that you’ve let him down, not in sex or anything else, but you’re unbelievable. 

You swallow a lump. “Sorry,” you say, the lingering ebbs of pleasure twisting into tears faster than you can stop it. 

“Are you crying?” he asks under his breath. 

You suck in a breath as he pushes onto his hands. 

“These aren’t good tears,” he says. 

He’d know. They’re not. 

Aaron reaches over you to turn on the lamp on the nightstand before settling, his hand cupping your waist. It’s too much suddenly, too bare, he’s too much to look at as you squeeze your eyes closed. “Sorry,” you squeeze out. 

“What did I do?” he asks, holding you carefully. “Please, sweetheart, what’s hurting? I’m so sorry.” 

“It’s not you.” 

“But something does hurt?” 

“No, no, I’m okay.” You cover your face with your hands. When you start to sob, it shakes the entire mattress, Aaron’s hand wobbling where it cups your ribs. 

“Please.” His thumb works a soft spot into your skin. “Honey, please, you can’t cry now without telling me what’s wrong.” He tries a laugh, but it falls flat. “Honey. Honey.” 

It wasn’t the sex. He never does anything wrong, he’s so gentle even when he isn’t, and if he did you’d only have to tell him, but the rush of being touched by him so nicely, fuck, the way he’d been looking at you, the way he took your face into his hand as he moved —you’re not trying to be a crier, but he makes you feel like you’re everything and you’re just not. 

He looks sick. 

“It wasn’t you, it was at the gala,” you manage. 

For a long while after, you can’t get a word out. You shiver and sob as Aaron scoops you into his chest, his nose in your shoulder waiting for you to calm down. He rubs your waist, fingers parted and waving slowly as he shushes you. Not to make you stop, though. He’s reassuring. 

“What happened at the gala?” he asks quietly. 

“It’s so stupid.” 

“No, it’s alright. Can you tell me what happened? Did someone hurt you?” 

You wrap your arms around his head. It really is stupid, you feel smaller than an ant under the shadow of a giant heel. Aaron doesn’t waver when you struggle to answer, feeling around behind you for a pillow and helping you against it. He kisses your forehead. “Let me get you something to wear.” 

You catch his wrist. “It wasn’t you, wasn’t–” You lift your chin. 

He kisses you. “Okay,” he says simply. “Let’s get dressed.” 

He dresses quickly, bringing you underwear and one of your sleep shirts, a loose fit. You shuffle into them and watch him patiently as he cleans the small mess of the evening away. You’re sniffling softly when he returns to you, sitting with his back to your thighs. 

“Sweetheart, I’m so sorry if I read things wrong. I never would’ve initiated anything if I knew you were feeling like this.” 

You laugh weakly, worriedly, looking at him through your lashes. “It made me feel better,” you admit.

“If this is better, you must’ve been feeling awful.” 

You relax as he puts his hand on your thigh. 

“In the time I left you to talk to Strauss, something upset you. JJ and Morgan didn’t see you. So someone in the gala said something or did something that made you leave. If you tell me who it was, I can make sure it doesn’t happen again.” 

“You’re trying to bargain with me,” you mumble. 

“I’m just telling you what can be done. I can take care of things.” 

“It’s nothing… nothing so severe. You’ll wonder why I–” You give an unexpected sob. “Made all this fuss.” 

“I don’t think I’ll wonder,” he says. 

You laugh through tears. These ones are slow, your eyes already itchy from crying. 

“Please tell me.” He tries teasing instead of sternness, lowering his face to yours. “Or I’ll cry too.” 

“Aaron.” 

“I will. You think I can’t, but seeing you crying like this, it’s more than enough ammunition.” 

You let out a breath, admitting defeat. “Your friend, Clint? I overheard him with his wife. He didn’t have very nice things to say about me.” 

“What could he possibly have to say?” Aaron asks with a frown. 

You pull the sheets up your legs. “He said I’m… unbelievable, and I don’t think he meant it kindly. Said that I’m not your type, and that I… I had no chance of measuring up, because of who you’ve been with before. They were laughing about our wedding photos.” Your throat feels pressed into by a hot poker. “They said we were the gentleman and the tramp.” 

His eyes squint. He looks disgusted, and for an uncomfortable moment you feel like it might be directed at you, but then he scoffs. “What a crock of shit.” 

“Aaron!” you laugh. 

“What could Clint McMoore possibly know about marriage? This is his fourth wife. And to imply that you’re any sort of calibre below the women I’ve dated before isn’t just misogynistic nonsense, it’s not true. You are the most beautiful women I’ve ever met, and what’s that supposed to mean, gentlemen and the tramp?” He gives you such an earnest glare of confusion that you can’t for a second doubt what it is he’s saying. “I’m sorry, honey, I think he’s allowed himself a few too many nightcaps over the years. Perhaps he’s suffered a stroke.” 

“Aaron, don’t say that,” you chide, secretly very pleased. 

“Our wedding photos,” he says, his hand drifting further down your leg to rest just shy of somewhere more intimate, “are beautiful. You look beautiful. Clint would’ve writhed in jealousy in the pews if he’d been invited, because he would’ve seen it for himself.” 

“I just sat there while they laughed at me,” you mumble.

“What were you supposed to do?” His hand travels out, to your hip, and then he holds you by the waist with both of his hands. They have a way of making you feel encapsulated, big and strong and careful on the bump of your hips. 

“I don’t know.” 

“Nothing,” he says, meeting your eyes with his usual tender-hearted compassion. “You weren’t supposed to do or say anything.” Aaron appears younger than he is for a second, his eyebrows raised, eyes big and brown as they track over your lips. “Honey, I’m sorry. I didn’t realise he was like that. I’m sorry you had to hear that.” 

“I guess I’m just worried he’s right.” 

“He’s not right. You are everything to me.” Again, he puts weight on the word, roughly said, like it takes a lot from him to say it. “I’m lucky to have been with women who were beautiful, and intelligent, but if there’s a question of you measuring up, there’s no competition. I’ve never been this in love.” 

You take a shaky breath. “Never?” you ask. 

He holds your gaze. “I knew it when we met. That's why I couldn’t wait to ask you to marry me.” 

“You said you weren’t getting any younger.” 

“Well, I’m not, but not everything’s about my age, you know,” he says, giving your waist a playful squeeze. 

”You said it.” 

“I did. That felt easier to say than, if I don’t marry you soon I might implode,” —he shuffles forward, encroaching on your legs and pressing his lips to your cheek— “would’ve just,” —he kisses your cheek, before turning your head— “wasted all that time waiting for someone else’s idea of the right time,” —and he kisses the other cheek, his nose skirting up your face— “wishing I was your husband when I could just,” —he smiles into your eyebrow as his hand slips under your shirt, holding your bare back— “ask.” 

“I’m glad you asked me.” 

You’d cried then, too, but it was less to do with a rush of adrenaline that knocked you out of balance and more to do with how lovingly he’d taken your hand as he asked. You knew from that moment on that someone was going to take care of you for the rest of your life. He’s doing it right now. 

“I love you,” you say, forcing your arms over his shoulders. 

He pulls you in so much that you lift from the mattress. 

“I love you. Are you sure it wasn’t me that upset you? I have to check.” 

“No. What you did to me wasn’t particularly upsetting.” 

He laughs. “Are you sure? You can look a little teary–”

You shush him quickly.

He tips your head to the side to kiss your ear. “Maybe next time, you can tell me about whatever upset you beforehand.” 

“And you can make me feel even better.”

His laugh is nearly inaudible, but his lips are by the side of your head. You hear it, the warmth of his breath kissing the shell of your ear. 

—

Aaron likes to see you in your sweatpants. You look nice in everything, especially your dresses for the evening events he often drags you to, but he likes it when you wear sweatpants because it opens a window. You’ve purchased the wrong size, too big and too long, but you’ve tied them at the waist and you make do. You’re wearing the big shirt he helped you into the night before, sitting on the couch with your ferried breakfast. 

The night before has been washed away, no sign of tears or upset. You have a clean, bright face, one he’d quite like to kiss, or hold, or have pressed to his neck, but none of this is unusual. Your eyes look sore, if he really looks. He’ll make you a compress after breakfast. 

Dropped off by Jess an hour ago, Jack sits beside you picking at the breakfast tray. You’re sharing a plate. You don’t ever mind. 

“Are you eating that one?” you ask. 

Jack immediately nudges half of a chocolate chip pancake your way. “Was the gala fun?” 

“Uh, sure. Saw your dad’s friends. But they had a weird thing with the caterers and we had to get dinner on the way home.”

“You could’ve made dad cook.” 

“I guess, but we were tired. What did you have for dinner?” 

“Jess made spicy chicken. It was amazing.” Jack squints at you. “Your eyes are puffy, Y/N. Are you sick?” 

“I think I might be a little. Not enough to make you sick too, don’t worry.” 

Aaron piles the last of the pancakes onto a plate and carries them to you in the living room. “Here, you two.” 

“Did you eat?” you ask. 

He loves you, bending over to kiss your forehead right in the middle. “Yes.” 

“How come they didn’t have dinner at the gala, dad? I thought that was the whole point,” Jack says. 

He sits down next to Jack on the couch. You cut a big square of pancake and grin at him, seemingly pleased with your breakfast and Jack’s sense of humour. 

“It was a disaster, that’s all. No food, barely any wine, and terrible, awful company.” 

“I thought Miss Jareau went?” 

“She did. But besides her and a handful of others, it was a party for sad old people.” 

“And you didn’t have fun?” Jack asks. 

You laugh so hard tears gather in the corners of your eyes. Aaron cups Jack’s shoulder, surprised when his son doesn’t duck away from the touch. The older he gets the less affection he requires, so it’s nice for Aaron to hug him sideways and be allowed, better that you finish your choking laugh with a hug of your own. “Jack, thank you for that. I think you cured whatever illness I had,” you say.  

“Hey,” Aaron says. 

You run your hand up his neck. Your wedding ring catches against his jaw. 

“It was worth going, though, to see your step-mom in her nice dress,” Aaron says, peeling away from Jack so he has room to breathe. 

Jack turns to you, and his smile is audible, “Do you have any pictures?” 

“I didn’t take any, sorry.” 

“Just think of her now but in a dress, and that’s how beautiful she looked,” Aaron says. 

“Dad, don’t be gross,” Jack says, cutting into the pancakes with his fork.

“It’s not gross, it’s just a fact.” Jack drops pancake down his front. Warm chocolate chips stain his t-shirt. “Missed your mouth, bud. I’ll get a rag.” 

He’s up as quickly as he sat down, running his fingers along your arm and to the palm of your hand, touching you until he can’t. He heads back into the kitchen. His phone is beeping on the table, screen flashing with each new text. 

Penelope: boss, I think the thing you asked for is illegal 

Penelope: also, I assume you were kidding? 

Penelope: so while making it that every link on McMoore’s computer freezes the desktop would’ve been very very funny, I didn’t do that 

Aaron had been kidding, emphatically, because illegal activities aren’t his style. It was a sarcastic suggestion, and yet he’s disappointed nonetheless. 

Penelope: I just signed him up for a bunch of recovering narcissists forums and an email subscription for self help, and maybe also a free online class about manners and etiquette 

Penelope: And I ordered that big canvas for you. It was the one of you guys cutting the cake, right? 

Aaron texts her back quickly: Thank you, Penelope. I couldn’t work out the dimensions online. 

Penelope: You’re welcome! I live to serve :D 

The canvas will look good in the entryway, Aaron believes. Somewhere you can see it, and remember exactly what it is he thinks of you; his eyes glowing with love where he’d been staring at your face, his hand guided yours atop the knife as he traced your features, and you cut that first, fat slice of cake. 

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thanks so much for reading! please think about commenting, liking or reblogging if you enjoyed I love knowing what you think!❤️

also small note: this fic is in no way meant to diminish haley im a haley supporter usually (these days at least!) and I just didn’t mention her for brevity’s sake

[britneyshakespeare]

I began, by being singularly cheerful and light-hearted; all sorts of half-forgotten things to talk about, came rushing into my mind, and made me hold forth in a most unwonted manner. I laughed heartily at my own jokes, and everybody else's; called Steerforth to order for not passing the wine; made several engagements to go to Oxford; announced that I meant to have a dinner party exactly like that, once a week until further notice; and madly took so much snuff out of Grainger's box, that I was obliged to go into the pantry, and have a private fit of sneezing ten minutes long.

I went on, by passing the wine faster and faster yet, and continually starting up with a corkscrew to open more wine, long before any was needed. I proposed Steerforth's health. I said he was my dearest friend, the protector of my boyhood, and the companion of my prime. I said I was delighted to propose his health. I said I owed him more obligations than I could ever repay, and held him in a higher admiration than I could ever express. I finished by saying, "I'll give you Steerforth! God bless him! Hurrah!" We gave him three times three, and another, and a good one to finish with. I broke my glass in going round the table to shake hands with him, and I said (in two words) "Steerforth, you'retheguidingstarofmyexistence."

I went on, by finding suddenly that somebody was in the middle of a song. Markham was the singer, and he sang "When the heart of a man is depressed with care." He said, when he had sung it, he would give us "Woman!" I took objection to that, and I couldn't allow it. I said it was not a respectful way of proposing the toast, and I would never permit that toast to be drunk in my house otherwise than as "The Ladies!" I was very high with him, mainly I think because I saw Steerforth and Grainger laughing at me—or at him—or at both of us. He said a man was not to be dictated to. I said a man was. He said a man was not to be insulted, then. I said he was right there—never under my roof, where the Lares were sacred, and the laws of hospitality paramount. He said it was no derogation from a man's dignity to confess that I was a devilish good fellow. I instantly proposed his health.

Somebody was smoking. We were all smoking. I was smoking, and trying to suppress a rising tendency to shudder. Steerforth had made a speech about me, in the course of which I had been affected almost to tears. I returned thanks, and hoped the present company would dine with me tomorrow, and the day after—each day at five o'clock, that we might enjoy the pleasures of conversation and society through a long evening. I felt called upon to propose an individual. I would give them my aunt, Miss Betsey Trotwood, the best of her sex!

Somebody was leaning out of my bedroom window, refreshing his forehead against the cool stone of the parapet, and feeling the air upon his face. It was myself. I was addressing myself as "Copperfield," and saying, "Why did you try to smoke? You might have known you couldn't do it." Now, somebody was unsteadily contemplating his features in the looking-glass. That was I too. I was very pale in the looking-glass; my eyes had a vacant appearance; and my hair—only my hair, nothing else—looked drunk.

Somebody said to me, "Let us go to the theatre, Copperfield!" There was no bedroom before me, but again the jingling table covered with glasses; the lamp; Grainger on my right hand, Markham on my left, and Steerforth opposite—all sitting in a mist, and a long way off. The theatre? To be sure. The very thing. Come along! But they must excuse me if I saw everybody out first, and turned the lamp off—in case of fire.

Owing to some confusion in the dark, the door was gone. I was feeling for it in the window-curtains, when Steerforth, laughing, took me by the arm and led me out. We went downstairs, one behind another. Near the bottom, somebody fell, and rolled down. Somebody else said it was Copperfield. I was angry at that false report, until, finding myself on my back in the passage, I began to think there might be some foundation for it.

A very foggy night, with great rings round the lamps in the streets! There was an indistinct talk of its being wet. I considered it frosty. Steerforth dusted me under a lamp-post, and put my hat into shape, which somebody produced from somewhere in a most extraordinary manner, for I hadn't had it on before. Steerforth then said, "You are all right, Copperfield, are you not?" and I told him, "Neverberrer."

David Copperfield by Charles Dickens, Chapter 24: My First Dissipation

[whatdoesshedotothem]

Friday 20 June 1834

7

12 40

no kiss – boiled water 1st time now for Miss W- in our little portable Jones with spent lamp - fine morning F74° at 7 ¼ - breakfast at 8 ¼ - left Miss W- at home and out at 9 - Left François with the passport at the prefecture de la police and drove to the Jardin des plantes -  called at the Audoins  - not at home - Cuviers not up - left my card and box of Jones’s promethean light - with mille compliments to Madame Cuvier begging her acceptance of it - then to M. Desfontaines - died about 2 months after I saw him in July last - quite sensible to the last - quoted Virgil to M. Jussien fils ½ hour before his death - wished he could be insensible if only 3 hours before his death - the gardener and his wife glad to see me - he still kept his place and they lived in Desfontaines’ house now taken by M. de Mirbel M. Brogniart has succeeded M. Desfontaine - sent to ask if he was at home - called for 5 minutes and made his acquaintance and left box of lights for his father with mille compliments and remercimens for his letter to Comte Vargas de Bédémar at Copenhagen etc and little work box for Madame Audoin with compliments and regrets at not seeing her - then came François and I must go to the prefecture – went - difficulty about Eugenie – must send two respectable householders to the commissary police of the quartier I was in to give her a certificate to enable her to get a passport granted by the French authorities as a French subject - home at 11 sent to Amyot  the bookseller and he helped me out – great pother – wrote to ‘His Excellency Earl Granville British Embassy’ to ask him to give me another passport for George Joseph Booth - IN- came and sat with us above an hour and drunk a tumbler and half of sheer vin de penas sstrong Spanish wine - Lord G - sent me back my own passport and one for George – out again at 2 - back to the prefecture to identify Miss W- and Eugenie and George and got all the passports done – sent mine and George’s to the Swiss Chargé d’affaires and Eugenie to the French foreign office and went to the exposition for ¾ hour and saw the others 3 salles - great machinery and all sorts of cloth etc etc

SH:7/ML/E/17/0045

 not so interesting as the salle we saw 1st - then to my little apartment at rue Saint V- paid my rent 320/. up to 15 May 1835 and paid the porter her annual 20/. and paid the taxe personnelle the 1st  time I have ever done it?  then to Chevalier’s rue St. Denis (good shop for furniture prints and the like) and got things for Lady Stuart - called at Perrelet’s to give him back his ticket for the exposition and saw things at Madame Contants and home at 6 ½ - found very civil note from Miss Berry enclosing her billet ‘par ordre du roi’ for one of the royal loges at the Comédie Française (theatre Français Palace Royal) no. 11 2nde gallérie - box for 4 but only holding 3 comfortably - there at 8 ½ - the 1st piece ‘l’hotel Garni’ just over - much interested in ‘La Jeunesse de Henri 4’  a quips upon his poverty and scrapes this and his wilderness gets him into - the people seemed to enjoy it - very well filled house considering the heat - Madame Mante did Clara (my lady)  very well -  Miss W- tired - asleep between the pieces lying along the bottom of the box - so did not stay till the end of the ‘L’Ecole des maris’  but came away at 10 ¼ - called and sat 1/2 with the Norcliffes to take leave – they are to go at 9am tomorrow - gave IN- the nacre snuff box I bought for her but inadvertently left at the engravers’ (Maurisset’s) 3 years ago -   home at 11 – very fine very got day – F74° at 12 ½ tonight

[yourlocalsewerdragon]

INT. MEDIEVAL TIMES THEATER - NIGHT A familiar beam of light shines down. The beam of light descends onto a stage. Lightning flashes to reveal Prince Charming riding his valiant steed Chauncey across the open plains. The wind blows back his golden mane. PRINCE CHARMING Onward Chauncey, to the highest room of the tallest tower! Where my princess awaits rescue from her handsome Prince Charming. Lightning cracks. Thunder booms. Charming straddles a wooden hobby horse and gallops in place. A stage hand uses a bellow to blow air into Prince Charming's face. Another stage hand turns a crank that creates the moving background. In the orchestra, a man uses coconuts to create the sound effects of a galloping horse. Two more stage hands back stage create the cheap sound effects of thunder and lightning. A crudely constructed castle tower sits in front of a cheaply painted backdrop. The Fairytale Creatures are sitting at a table in the audience. GINGERBREAD MAN This is worse than Love Letters! I hate dinner theatre. PINOCCHIO Me too. Pinocchio's nose grows as he is caught in the lie. Prince Charming rides to the base of the tower. PRINCE CHARMING Whoa there, Chauncey! He dismounts and sets his hobby horse on the ground. He strikes a dramatic pose. A Princess leans from a tower window. ACTRESS Hark! The brave Prince Charming approach-ith. Prince Charming puffs his chest out. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 2. PRINCE CHARMING Fear not fair maiden! I shall slay the monster that guards you and take my place as rightful King. An old couple at a table look confused. OLD LADY (to old man) What did she say? Prince Charming glares as the bored audience largely ignores him. A man in a bad ogre costume comes onto the stage. OGRE Grrrrrrr! The crowd erupts into applause. The Fairytale Creatures cheer. FAIRYTALE CREATURES (CHEERING) Woooo hoooo!!! GINGERBREAD MAN Yea! Shrek! At first, Prince Charming is put off by the cheers for the Shrek-like beast. He pulls his sword and confronts the monster. PRINCE CHARMING Prepare foul beast to enter into a world of pain with which you are not familiar! He is cut off as a waiter enters with a birthday cake. WAITER (SINGING) Happy Birthday to thee. PRINCE CHARMING Do you mind? Prince Charming hops out of the way when a chair lands on stage. It slides past him and

bumps into the tower facade. GINGERBREAD MAN Do you mind? Bo-ring! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 3. The audience laughs. Prince Charming glares at them and then tries to recover. He points his sword at the monster again. The tower facade starts to topple. PRINCE CHARMING (CLEARS THROAT) Prepare foul beast- Prince Charming looks over his shoulder and sees the facade falling. He cringes. The scenery slams against the stage, but Prince Charming is unharmed, perfectly framed in the princesses' window. The crowd laughs at the embarrassed Prince Charming. He shakes his mangled sword at the audience. PRINCE CHARMING (shaking his sword again) Someday you'll be sorry. HECKLER (O.S.) We already are! They laugh again. Prince Charming throws down his sword, picks up his hobby horse and exits. OGRE Grrrrrrr! The song and the laughter follow Prince Charming backstage. INT. BACKSTAGE DRESSING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Prince Charming walks through a tunnel backstage that leads to a door. The door has a star with his name written on it. He opens it. EXT. MEDIEVAL TIMES RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS Prince Charming sits at his broken vanity and sobs. His make- shift dressing room is in an alley way next to the theater. Horses whinny as a carriage passes by. The castle of Far Far Away can be seen on the hill in the background. Prince Charming breaks down and cries. He looks up and sees a picture of the Fairy Godmother taped to the vanity. "Don't stop believing! Mommy's Little Angel" is written on the picture. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 4. PRINCE CHARMING (HEAVY SOBS) Oh mommy. He weeps again and then looks back at the picture. A determined change grows across his face. PRINCE CHARMING Oh, you're right. I can't let this happen. I can't. Prince Charming looks at the castle on the hill. His expression hardens. He stands and faces the castle. He holds his chin up high. PRINCE CHARMING I am the rightful King of Far Far Away and I promise you this mother. I will restore dignity to my throne! A big gust of wind blows a newspaper page across his face. He peels it off and looks at the headline. His eyes tense and narrow. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) And this time, no one will stand in my way! In the newspaper is a picture of Shrek and Fiona waving to a crowd. Prince Charming crumples up the newspaper in his fists. EXT. CASTLE - MORNING

The camera booms down from the Far Far Away sign. The sun rises and the birds sing. INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS The sun shines through the bedroom window as the camera pans over to Shrek and Fiona waking up. SHREK Good morning. FIONA Good morning. (DREAMY) Oh... morning breath... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 5. Shrek breathes in and smiles. SHREK (DREAMY) I know. Isn't it wonderful? The bedroom doors fly open and Donkey and the Dronkeys rush in. The Dronkeys head right for Shrek and Fiona. Shrek cowers beneath the bedclothes. DONKEY (SINGING) "Good morning! Good morning!" Shrek sinks further into the blankets as the Dronkeys exuberantly lick him. Fiona is amused. Donkey starts to sing "Good Morning" from Singin' in the Rain as he enters the room. DONKEY (SINGING) "The sun is shining through! Good morning! Good morning. (coming closer and closer TO SHREK) "To you!" (TO SHREK) "And you!" (TO DRONKEY) And you! The Dronkeys fly out of the room, knocking down everything in their path. DONKEY Oh, they grow up so fast. Shrek, greatly annoyed, lifts his hand and snuffs out a little fire on the bed left behind by the Dronkeys. SHREK Not fast enough. Puss leaps onto the bed. PUSS Okay. You have a very full day filling in for the King and Queen. There are several functions that require your attendance, sir. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 6. SHREK Great! Let's get started. Shrek immediately pulls the covers up over his head and starts to snore. DONKEY C'mon, lazy bones, time to get movin'! Donkey yanks the sheets off of Fiona and Shrek. He is surprised to see Shrek's bare legs. DONKEY Aaahhh! You know you really need to get yourself a pair of jammies. Shrek sighs. CUT TO: INT. KNIGHTING CEREMONY - DAY The camera pans down from a stained glass window. The song "Royal Pain" by the Eels plays in the background as the title: "Shrek The Third" is superimposed. A large crowd has gathered to watch the knighting. Shrek walks down the aisle of the church. Shrek walks up to the knight who seems a bit nervous. Shrek takes a sword from Puss, but he doesn't have any idea what he is supposed to do with it. Shrek looks

at Puss, who indicates how to knight a person with his own sword. Shrek starts to knight the knight. SHREK I knight thee... Shrek accidentally stabs the knight. SHREK He-he. Ooh. The crowd, Fiona, Puss and Donkey look on, shocked. CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 7. EXT. BOAT DOCKS - DAY Shrek and Fiona officiate at a boat christening for the Royal Navy. Shrek is holding a bottle of champagne. He leans on the boat, accidentally pushing it down the ramp. Shrek throws the bottle at the boat and it punches an enormous hole in the side of the hull. The boat quickly sinks. Shrek turns to find the patrons of Far Far Away shaking their heads as they leave. CUT TO: INT. DRESSING ROOM - DAY Raul, the make-up specialist, tightens some aprons around Shrek and Fiona. Donkey, Puss and Raul stand in front of them. DONKEY Well, since you're filling in for one, you might as well look like a real King. Can somebody come in here and work on Shrek please? Raul stares at Shrek. Shrek raises his eyebrow. RAUL (AHEM) I will see what I can do. He unrolls a satchel full of different gardening tools. Suddenly Shrek's arms and legs are strapped into a chair. A man stands with his back to the camera and pulls on a rip cord as if he's holding a chain saw. VROOM! VROOM! He turns around to reveal a circular sander and starts to grind away at Shrek's gruesome toenails. Shrek cringes. We see a close-up of Shrek's eye. A mascara brush comes into frame and pulls at Shrek's eyelash. Fiona gets her nose hairs plucked. FIONA Ow! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 8. Lipstick is applied to some lips. The camera pulls back to reveal that the lips are Shrek's. A hand tries to tighten a zipper on Shrek's back. It keeps snagging on the skin until they finally rip it past and tighten up the zipper all the way. A small sock is placed onto Shrek's foot. With a shoe horn, Shrek's foot is shoved into a small shoe. POP! A collar is placed around Fiona's neck and her corset is tightened. A drill comes into frame and tightens the rivet on Shrek's belt. A mole is placed on his cheek. INT. BACKSTAGE - LATER REVEAL: Shrek and Fiona standing awkwardly in outrageous Renaissance outfits. Donkey gasps. DONKEY Oh! Puss rolls his eyes. PUSS Yeah, wow.

Fiona is uncomfortable. FIONA Uh, is this really necessary? RAUL (TO SHREK) Ho, ho. Quite necessary, Fiona. SHREK I'm Shrek, you twit. RAUL Whatever. PUSS Okay peoples! This isn't a rehearsal. Let's see some hustle. DONKEY Smiles everyone, smiles! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 9. Off-screen, the Master of Ceremonies announces the couples arriving at the party. Fiona turns to Shrek and sees he is not in a good mood. SHREK I don't know how much longer I can keep this up Fiona. FIONA I'm sorry Shrek, but can you please just try to grin and bear it? It's just until Dad gets better. Shrek lets out another frustrated sigh. FIONA Shrek? SHREK Yeah. FIONA You look handsome. SHREK Ah. Come here, you. She gives him a supportive smile. He relaxes and smiles back. Fiona puckers up her lips and Shrek leans in for a kiss, but their bulky outfits prevent it. Shrek and Fiona let out a huge breath of air. SHREK Oh, my butt is itching up a storm and I can't reach it in this monkey suit! Shrek tries to scratch his butt but to no avail. SHREK Oh. (WHISTLE) Hey you. Come here! A man holding a ruby scepter walks over to Shrek. SHREK What's your name? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 10. FIDDLESWORTH Eh, Fiddlesworth, sir. SHREK Hoo hoo hooo. Perfect. INT. BALLROOM - CONTINUOUS The announcer introduces Shrek and Fiona. MASTER OF CEREMONIES Ladies and gentlemen, Princess Fiona and Sir Shrek! The audience claps. The curtain starts to open. Fiddlesworth is scratching away at Shrek's butt. SHREK You've done it. Oh, a little over to the left, yeah. That's great. FIONA Uh Shrek? Fiddlesworth struggles to reach Shrek's itch. The crowd looks on in horror. Fiona tries to get his attention. SHREK Ahh! All right, you got it...Oh yeah, you're on it. Oh that's it! Oh that's good! FIONA Shrek... SHREK Oh yeah! Scratch that thing!

You got it. You're on it. That's great! FIONA SHREK! Shrek and Fiddlesworth finally see the crowd. They both freeze. Shrek laughs nervously. Suddenly Shrek's belt buckle snaps off and hits Donkey in the eye. He stumbles through the crowd screaming. DONKEY Ow!! My eye! My eye! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 11. As he is stumbling, he grabs hold of a lady in the crowd. WOMAN What are you doing? The woman pushes Donkey away. He falls, knocking over a guard holding an axe on his way down. The guard drops the axe. It flies past Puss, who is in the arms of a lady. The axe knocks over a vase. The vase flies up on stage and Fiona maneuvers to catch it. In flight, water spills out of the vase which causes Fiona to fall over. Shrek's tuxedo bib slaps him in the face. The clasp holding Shrek's pants up breaks off. Shrek stands on stage with his pants around his ankles. He shuffles towards Fiona. SHREK Fiona! He trips over his pants and hits a loose wooden plank on the stage. The plank flings up and sends Fiddlesworth flying through the air where his jacket slips over a banner pole, trapping him. FIDDLESWORTH Uhhh... (WIMPER) Shrek has reached Fiona who is still lying on the floor. SHREK Are you okay? FIONA Yeah. I'm fine. Fiona's eyes suddenly widen. Fiddlesworth's jacket rips and he falls onto a waiter carrying flaming skewers. FIDDLESWORTH Ahhhh! The skewers fly through the air. Donkey stands up in frame with one eye half shut. The flaming skewers shoot by him and land in the curtains, setting them on fire. He blows one of the skewers out and takes a bite. DONKEY Oh! Shrimp! My favorite. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 12. The fire causes a Far Far Away shield to detach from a wooden ceiling beam and fall onto the stage, breaking it in half. The whole stage collapses in the middle. The buffet tables slide toward Shrek and Fiona at the other end and collide. CRASH! BANG! CUT TO BLACK: INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT The door to Fiona's room flies open. SHREK That's it! We're leaving! Shrek storms in pulling bits of buffet food off his face. FIONA Honey, please calm down... Shrek grabs the wig off of his head and throws it aside. SHREK Calm down? Who do you think we're kidding? I am an ogre! I'm not cut out for this, Fiona and I never will be. Shrek wipes off

his makeup with his shirt sleeve and flings his shirt to the floor. He falls onto the bed next to Donkey. DONKEY I think that went pretty well. Shrek startles. SHREK Donkey! Shrek picks him up and throws him out the door. DONKEY Aww, come on now Shrek! Shrek slams the door shut. Shrek turns back towards the bed and sees Puss reclining on his pillow. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 13. PUSS Some people just don't understand boundaries. Shrek picks Puss up by the scruff of his neck and tosses him outside the window. He shuts it. Puss sits sadly on the ledge, giving Shrek his sad-eyes routine. Shrek draws the blinds. Shrek stomps over and falls back onto the bed. Fiona tries to calm him down. FIONA Just think... a couple more days, and we'll be back home in our vermin-filled shack, strewn with fungus, filled with the rotting stench of mud and neglect. This thought calms him. Shrek takes in a long, deep breath and exhales. He smiles. SHREK Oh, you had me at "vermin-filled." FIONA And, uh... maybe even the pitter- patter of little feet on the floor...? SHREK (LAUGHS) That's right. The swamp rats will be spawning. FIONA Uh, no... you know, what I was thinking of is a little bit bigger than a swamp rat. SHREK Donkey? FIONA No, Shrek. Um... what if - THEORETICALLY - SHREK Yeah? FIONA They were little ogre feet? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 14. SHREK Oh. (NERVOUS LAUGH) Shocked, Shrek falls off the bed. He slowly emerges from behind the bed. SHREK Honey? Let's try and be rational about this. Have you seen a baby lately? They just eat and poop and they cry and then they cry when they poop and they poop when they cry...Now, imagine an ogre baby. They extra cry and they extra poop. FIONA Shrek. She grabs his hands and looks deeply into his eyes. FIONA Don't you ever think about having a family? Shrek takes her hand. SHREK Right now, you're my family. There is a knock on the bedroom door. The door bursts open, revealing a Royal Page. Shrek springs up.

SHREK Well, somebody better be dying. CUT TO: INT. KING'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER The camera pushes through a corridor that leads to the King's bedroom. The King is lying on his lily pad, coughing. KING HAROLD I'm dying. The King inhales and launches into a violent coughing fit. Shrek looks a bit guilty about his last admission. The Queen comes to the King's aid and he settles down. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 15. QUEEN Harold. KING HAROLD Don't forget to pay the gardener, Lillian. The Queen is used to these kind of non-sequiturs. QUEEN Of course darling. The King suppresses a few coughs. He turns to his daughter. KING HAROLD Fiona... FIONA Yes Daddy? KING HAROLD I know I've made many mistakes with you. FIONA It's okay. KING HAROLD But your love for Shrek has taught me so much. Fiona smiles. The King addresses Shrek. KING HAROLD My dear boy, I am proud to call you my son. SHREK And I'm proud to call you my Frog... King Dad in-law. Shrek smiles. KING HAROLD Now, there is a matter of business to attend tooo... The King starts wheezing and coughing. Eventually he stops. They think he's dead. Puss solemnly removes his hat. PUSS The Frog King is dead. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 16. Fiona starts crying. The King suddenly wakes up, coughing. DONKEY (TO PUSS) Put your hat back on, fool. KING HAROLD Shrek, please come hither. Fiona gives Shrek a look. Shrek walks over to the King. SHREK Yeah, Dad? KING HAROLD This Kingdom needs a new king. You and Fiona are next in line for the throne. SHREK Ooo. Next in line. Now you see Dad, that's why people love you. Even on your deathbed you're still making jokes. The King stares at Shrek, stone-faced. Shrek leans in closer. SHREK Oh, come on Dad...an Ogre as King? I don't think that's such a good idea. There's got to be somebody else. Anybody? KING HAROLD Aside from you there is only one remaining heir. Shrek brightens. SHREK Really!? Who

is he, Dad? KING HAROLD His name is... is... is... SHREK What's his name? What's his name? KING HAROLD ...is ... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 17. Shrek leans in closer after each "is," waiting in anticipation. The King starts to hyperventilate. FIONA Daddy! The King is dead. A fly comes out of his mouth and flies away. Puss starts to take his hat off. The fly buzzes into frame. A tongue catches it. Puss puts his hat back on. KING HAROLD (chewing the fly) His name is Arthur. SHREK Arthur? KING HAROLD (COUGH) I know you'll do what's... (EXHALING) riiiight... He succumbs. The King really is dead now. QUEEN Harold!? SHREK Dad? Dad? Dad? Donkey bows his head. DONKEY Do your thing, man. Puss takes his hat off. Fiona starts to cry and hugs Shrek. The weight of the King's request hits Shrek. He is in a state of shock. We hold a moment on the Queen, Shrek, Fiona, Puss and Donkey to let the King's passing sink in. DISSOLVE TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 18. EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS The streets of Far Far Away are empty. People are closing up the shops on Rodeo Drive. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. CASTLE - CONTINUOUS The knights of Far Far Away march toward the castle as the flag is lowered to half-masked. EXT. POND - LATER Close on a statue of the late King. Shrek, Fiona, the Queen, and all the Fairy-tale Creatures and Princesses have gathered for the funeral. The Queen sets an old shoe box ("Ye Olde Footlocker") on top of a lily pad and sends it floating out into the water. An overhead shot shows the box floating through the lily pads. The camera tilts up to reveal a frog choir, singing "Live and Let Die." The Princesses, Donkey, Puss and the Fairy-tale Creatures all bow their heads solemnly. Shrek puts his arm around Fiona. The funeral has ended and the crowd begins to disperse. Shrek, Fiona and the Queen stand by the pond. The Queen sadly gazes at the pond. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. A BLUFF OVERLOOKING THE CASTLE - CONTINUOUS The camera pulls back to reveal a cloaked figure, on horseback, overlooking the funeral. The figure removes his hood to reveal Prince Charming. He gives a smug smile, and rides off. CUT TO: EXT. POISONED

APPLE BAR - NIGHT Prince Charming rides up to the Poison Apple Bar. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 19. INT. POISONED APPLE BAR - CONTINUOUS Smoke wafts through the screen. The camera pans down to the top of a piano where an ashtray with a lit cigarette burns and a brandy sifter is filled with coins. The camera pans over to a Singing Witch who turns around to reveal a microphone in her hand. The Singing Witch starts to sing "I've Never Been To Me" by Nancy Wilson. The bar is filled with various Fairy-tale Villains. Two pirates sit forlornly with their mugs. The Puppet Master takes a drink out of a beer mug. He is surrounded by a bunch of empty beer mugs. Prince Charming enters the bar. A group is gathered around Cyclops riding a medieval mechanical bull, hooting and hollering. The bull stops and the Villains turn to look at Prince Charming. Prince Charming hangs his cape on a tree branch. The camera adjusts right to reveal the branch is actually one of the Evil Trees, who flings the cape to the floor. Everyone takes notice as Prince Charming walks through. Little Red Riding Hood is sitting on a pile of books at a table. Evil Dwarves glare in Prince Charming's direction. Prince Charming walks by a pair of witches (one is the Evil Queen from Snow White) playing pool. The Evil Queen scratches when she sees him and the pool ball goes flying into the Headless Horseman's neck. Prince Charming walks by the singing witch. He reaches the bar, pulls out a handkerchief, places it over the bar stool, and sits. Prince Charming spots the bartender with her back to him. He clears his throat. PRINCE CHARMING What does a Prince have to do to get a drink around here? Mabel, the other ugly stepsister, rises up in front a poster with a smiling beer wench. PRINCE CHARMING Ah Mabel, why they call you an ugly stepsister I'll never know. He winks at her. She glares at him. PRINCE CHARMING Where's Doris, taking the night off? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 20. MABEL She's not welcome here and neither are you. She spits into the mug and wipes it with a towel. MABEL (CONT'D) What do you want, Charming? PRINCE CHARMING Oh not much, just a chance at redemption... (LAUGHS) And a Fuzzy Navel. Prince Charming stands up and turns to the bar patrons. PRINCE CHARMING And Fuzzy Navels for all my friends! Captain Hook rips his hook across the piano keys. The singing witch bares her teeth. The witches break their pool cues. The Puppet Master breaks his beer mug. CAPTAIN HOOK We're not your friends. Prince Charming grows nervous.

The Villains all approach Prince Charming. From behind the bar, Mabel grabs Prince Charming by his shoulders and pins him on top of the bar. PRINCE CHARMING Ahh! Captain Hook places his hook against Prince Charming's neck. CAPTAIN HOOK You don't belong here. PRINCE CHARMING You're right; oh, I mean you're absolutely right, but I mean, do any of us? CYCLOPS Do a number on his face! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 21. PRINCE CHARMING No, no, wait, wait, wait! We are more alike than you think. Prince Charming turns to the Evil Queen. PRINCE CHARMING Wicked Witch. The Seven Dwarves saved Snow White and then what happened? EVIL QUEEN Oh, what's it to you? PRINCE CHARMING They left you the un-fairest of them all. And now here you are, hustling pool to get your next meal. How does that feel? EVIL QUEEN Pretty unfair. Prince Charming begins to work the crowd. PRINCE CHARMING And you? Your star puppet abandons the show to go and find his father. PUPPET MASTER I hate that little wooden puppet. Prince Charming turns to Captain Hook. PRINCE CHARMING And Hook... Prince Charming looks down at the hook. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) ... Need I say more? Captain Hook backs off, feeling insecure about his appendage. PRINCE CHARMING And you! Frumpypigskin. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Rumplestiltskin. PRINCE CHARMING Where's that first-born you were promised, hey? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 22. Rumplestiltskin caresses a pacifier tattoo on his forearm. Prince Charming gains more confidence as he confronts Mabel. PRINCE CHARMING Mabel, remember how you couldn't get your little fat foot into that tiny glass slipper? Mabel sighs. PRINCE CHARMING Cinderella is in Far Far Away right now, eating Bon Bons, cavorting with every little last Fairy-tale Creature that has ever done you wrong. Prince Charming now has everyone's attention. PRINCE CHARMING Once upon a time, someone decided that we were the losers. But there are two sides to every story. And our side has not been told. The crowd listens, rapt. PRINCE CHARMING So who will join me? Who

wants to come out on top for once? Who wants their happily ever after?! The crowd of villains cheer and starts getting rowdy. A bar room brawl ensues. Prince Charming looks on, shocked. He ducks out of the way of a flying liquor bottle. He smiles nervously and lifts his fruity, Fuzzy Navel to drink. CUT TO: EXT. DOCKS - DUSK The camera booms down from the lighthouse. BLIND MOUSE #1 This way gents. The blind mice stumble and fall trying to get down the steps to the dock. The Fairy-tale Creatures and Dragon have gathered to wish Shrek, Puss and Donkey a bon voyage as they set off to retrieve Arthur. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 23. On the docks, two Dronkeys chase a seagull as the camera pans over to Puss who breaks free of the embrace of a lady cat. PUSS It's out of my hands senorita, the winds of fate have blown on my destiny. But I will never forget you. You are the love of my life. Off-screen, a cat meows and walks towards Puss. PUSS (CONT'D) As are you... Camera pulls out to reveal more and more cats approaching Puss. PUSS (CONT'D) And you. Puss starts walking away as two of the cats begin to engage in a cat fight. They are hissing at each other as Puss backs away from them and into another. PUSS (CONT'D) And, uh... hi. I don't know you, but I'd like to. I gotta go. Puss runs out of frame. Cut to Dragon, who is talking to Donkey. Puss runs past them in the background. Dragon lets out a soft wail. DONKEY I know, I know... I don't want to leave you either baby, but you know how Shrek is. The dude's lost without me. She gives him an understanding smile. DONKEY But don't worry. I'll send you airmail kisses everyday! He blows her a kiss and she catches it. He looks down at his children, holding back tears. DONKEY Alright, be strong babies! Be strong. Now, Coco, Peanut, you listen to Mama, alright? And Bananas, no more roastin' marshmallows on your sister's head. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 24. Bananas lets out a fiery sneeze. DONKEY Ah, that's my special boy. Oh, come over here, all of you. Give your Daddy a big hug! The baby Dronkeys fly around their Daddy. The Dronkey that Fiona is holding flies off to join Donkey and the others. Fiona nervously takes in a breath. FIONA Shrek, maybe you should just stay and be King. SHREK Oh, c'mon, there's no way I could ever run a kingdom. That's why your

cousin Arthur's the perfect choice. FIONA It's not that. No. It's, you see... SHREK (CONT'D) And if he gives me any trouble, I've always got persuasion and reason. (holds up his right fist) Here's persuasion, (holds up his left fist) and here's reason. Shrek chuckles. Fiona gives him a look. Shrek reassures her. SHREK Fiona, soon it's just gonna be you and me and our swamp. FIONA (HESITANT) It's not going to be just you and me. The ship's fog horn sounds. SHIP CAPTAIN All aboard! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 25. SHREK It will be. I promise. I love you. He kisses her and joins Puss and Donkey on the boat. He title proudly reads: H.R.M CRUSHING RESPONSIBILITY II The boat sets sail. The Dronkeys spell out "We Love You Daddy" with smoke in the sky. FAIRYTALE CREATURES Awwwwwwwww! PIG #1 That's lovely. Donkey waves to his kids, sobs. DONKEY Bye bye babies! Fiona runs after the boat. FIONA Shrek! Shrek leans against the rail, calling out to her. SHREK Yeah? FIONA Wait! SHREK What is it? She smiles and takes a deep breath. FIONA I'm, I'm- The Ship Captain blows a fog horn and cuts her off. Shrek smiles back at her. SHREK (LAUGHS) I love you too honey! FIONA No... No, I said I'm pr- Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 26. The Ship Captain starts to blow again. Shrek grabs the horn and throws it overboard. SHREK You're what?! FIONA I said I'm pregnant! The Fairy-tale Creatures behind Fiona cheer. SHREK (doesn't want to believe HIS EARS) Uh... what was that? FIONA You're going to be a father! SHREK (NERVOUS LAUGH) That's great. FIONA Really? I'm glad you think so! I love you. Shrek smiles back at Fiona. SHREK Yeah... (NERVOUS LAUGH) Me too... you... Fiona smiles as the Queen

places a hand on her shoulder. Overjoyed at the news, Donkey pops up onto the railing. DONKEY I'm gonna be an Uncle. I'm gonna be an Uncle! I'm gonna be an Uncle! PUSS Oh, and you my friend are royally-- The fog horn blasts again as the boat disappears into the fog. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 27. EXT. BOAT CABIN - NIGHT The boat travels along in the open sea. Shrek is fast asleep as the boat travels through an estuary and beaches itself. Shrek wakes up. He opens the cabin door. SHREK Ahhh. Home. He smiles to himself. The boat has beached itself right outside of Shrek's swamp house. He leaps off the boat. SHREK Woohoo! EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Shrek takes a deep breath of swamp air. SHREK Ahh. He skips and dances happily toward his house. FIONA (O.S.) Shrek!? SHREK Ooo. (LAUGHS) INT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS He sashays through the front door with his eyes closed, presenting himself. SHREK Fiona! After a moment of silence, he opens his eyes, realizing that Fiona is not there. SHREK Fiona? He looks around the room, puzzled. The door slams closed behind him. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 28. A baby carriage rolls slowly into frame behind him. He turns slowly and sees the baby carriage covered with a blanket. Shrek removes the blanket, revealing a baby ogre, smiling innocently at him. SHREK Huh? Oh no. The baby burps. SHREK (AMUSED) Better out than in, I always say. Ha ha! OGRE BABY Hiccup! This time the baby's burp turns into projectile vomit aimed directly at Shrek. Shrek puts his hand up to block the vomit, but to no avail. The baby continues to vomit, but eventually stops after completely soiling himself and Shrek. The baby looks like it's about to cry. Shrek raises his hands. SHREK No, no, no, no, no, no. Ha, ha. It's okay. It's gonna be alright. Shrek picks the baby up, smiling at it cautiously. He holds it awkwardly for a few seconds, then looks up and realizes that his house is filled with babies. OGRE BABY Da-Da! Babies roll around his living room, tearing the fabric off his chair. The chair reclines, catapulting one of the babies onto Shrek's head. A standing lamp with

a baby on top falls, and Shrek dives to catch him. Another baby is pulling the tablecloth, causing lethal knives to fly straight at him. Shrek snatches the baby away just before he is impaled. One of the babies strikes a match near the fireplace. Shrek runs over, picks up the baby and blows out the match. He takes a baby out of the cauldron. SHREK Hey! Hey, hey, wait! Would ya? No, no. Stop! Hey, hey, hey. No. Shrek panics. A baby is knocking glass jars off the shelf. Shrek catches him before he crawls off of it. Shrek runs through the room picking up babies. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 29. INT. SHREK'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS After he has collected as many babies as he can, Shrek slides open the curtain to his bedroom. SHREK Huh? He sees a baby sitting in his bed, smiling up at him. The baby shrugs. OGRE BABY Bubabatoo? Suddenly, Shrek hears a loud rumble. He turns around. Babies start pouring out of the window and the fireplace. First there is one, then two, then thirty more follow. Hundreds of them start piling in. Shrek makes a run for the doorway, but no matter how hard he runs, the doorway keeps getting farther and farther away! He keeps trying, hundreds of babies trailing behind. INT. GRADUATION STAGE - CONTINUOUS Finally, Shrek reaches the door and opens it. He slams it shut behind him and closes his eyes. Everything is quiet. He opens his eyes and finds himself on stage in front of his high school. Shrek looks up to find a graduation cap on his head. The audience is full of ogre babies laughing at him. The camera pulls back to reveal Shrek standing at the podium, naked. CUT TO: EXT. BOAT DECK - DAWN, CONTINUOUS Shrek's eyes pop open, he sits upright and tries to compose himself. SHREK Ahhhh! Oh, Donkey! Donkey, wake- up! Donkey and Puss turn around, but they both have baby-ogre faces! Donkey makes a baby noise. As the camera zooms in, Donkey's eyes glow red and his teeth become sharp and pointy. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 30. DONKEY (with ogre baby head) Da-da! A fog horn blows. Shrek bolts upright again. Donkey and Puss wake up. SHREK Ahhhh! He breaths heavily, trying to compose himself. DONKEY Shrek. Shrek, are you okay? SHREK Oh... I can't believe I'm going to be a father. Donkey and Puss look at each other. He gets up and walks to the ship's railing. SHREK How did this happen? PUSS Allow me to explain. You see, when a man has certain

feelings for a woman, a powerful urge sweeps over him... SHREK I know how it happened. I just can't believe it. Shrek walks away. Donkey leans over to Puss. DONKEY How does it happen? Puss rolls his eyes at Donkey. CUT TO: Donkey sees Shrek at the back of the boat staring out at the distant horizon. He walks up next to his friend. DONKEY (SINGING) And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, (MORE) Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 31. DONKEY (CONT'D) Little boy blue and the man in the moon. Shrek rolls his eyes. DONKEY (CONT'D) "When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when, But we'll get together then, Dad-" Shrek cuts Donkey off. SHREK Donkey, can you just cut to the part where you're supposed to make me feel better? Shrek slumps against the rail. Puss hops up on the railing and whispers into Shrek's other ear. PUSS You know I love Fiona, Boss. Right? (CONFIDENTIALLY) But what I'm talking about here is you, me, my cousin's boat, an ice- cold pitcher of mojitos, and two weeks of nothing but fishing. Puss makes a "let's go fishing" gesture by casting an imaginary rod into the ocean. Donkey is right there to whisper in Shrek's other ear. DONKEY Man, don't you listen to him. Having a baby is not going to ruin your life. SHREK It's not my life I'm worried about ruining. It's the kid's. Donkey and Puss pause as Shrek rants. SHREK I mean...when have you ever heard the phrase "as sweet as an...ogre" or "as nurturing as...an ogre" Or how `bout..."you're gonna' love my dad...he's a real ogre." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 32. DONKEY Okay, okay I get it! Nobody said it was going to be easy. But at least you got us to help you out. SHREK That's true. He thinks for a moment. SHREK I'm doomed. DONKEY You'll be fine. SHIP CAPTAIN You're finished. Everyone turns to look at the Captain who clears his throat. SHIP CAPTAIN Uh, with your journey. He points to shore. A majestic castle stands proudly on a nearby bluff. CUT TO: EXT. WORCESTERSHIRE ACADEMY - DAY Shrek, Puss and Donkey stand at the entrance to the castle.

Donkey reads the sign hanging over the entrance. DONKEY Wor-ces-ter-shireee. Now that sounds fancy. SHREK It's Worcestershire. DONKEY Like the sauce!? Mmmm... It's spicy! The drawbridge to the castle lowers. DONKEY Oohh! They must be expecting us. They start over the drawbridge. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 33. A horse whinnies behind them. Shrek, Donkey, and Puss jump out of the way as a medieval school bus storms by. The kids on the back of the bus scream when they see Shrek. DONKEY What in the shista-shire kind of place is this? Shrek suddenly looks concerned. SHREK Well, my stomach aches and my palms just got sweaty. Must be a high school. DONKEY High school?! EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS A group of cheerleaders practice. CHEERLEADERS Ready?! Okay! Where for art thou headed, to the top? Yeah we think so, we think so! And dost thou thinkest thine can be stopped? Nay we thinks not! We thinks not! Shrek rolls his eyes and continues on, terrifying students as he walks through the courtyard. FEMALE STUDENT #1 Ahhhhh! The kid runs away quickly into the student parking lot where a bunch of different style horse-drawn carriages are parked. A carriage passes in front of Shrek that reads: "Caution - Student Driver." DRIVERS ED INSTRUCTOR All right Mr. Percival, just ease up on the reigns- The carriage jolts forward and crashes off-screen. Two stoner kids emerge from a medieval-style "VW" carriage. VAN STUDENT (cough, cough) For lo bro, don't burn all my frankincense and myrrh. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 34. DONKEY I'm already starting to feel nauseous from memories of wedgies and swirlies! PUSS But how did you receive the wedgies when you are clearly not the wearer of the underpants? DONKEY Let's just say some things are better left unsaid and leave it at that. He notices two female students discussing their love lives. GUINEVERRE So then I was all like "I'd rather get the black plague and lock myself in an iron maiden than go out with you." TIFFANY Eh, totally. Shrek approaches them. SHREK Pardon me... They flee in terror.

GUINEVERRE Eh! Totally ew-th! TIFFANY Yeah, totally! A pair of dorky kids play a medieval, role-playing board game. GARY Yes! I just altered my character level to plus three superbability. SHREK Hi, we're looking for someone named- GARY Gee, who rolled a plus nine "dork" spell and summoned the beast and his quadrupeds. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 35. XAVIER Ha! Ha! (SNORT) Ah! The students panics when his nose starts to bleed. SHREK I know you're busy "not fitting in" but can either of you tell me where I can find Arthur? While Xavier tries to control the bleeding, Gary points towards the athletic field. GARY He's over there. CUT TO: EXT. JOUSTING RANGE - CONTINUOUS In the distance, Shrek spots A BOLD KNIGHT atop his steed. He looks very impressive as he rears up ready to charge. Shrek, Donkey and Puss arrive to see the beginning of the charge. It's an exciting back and forth. Hooves pound on sand. The Knight's eyes steady. The horse rears majestically. The opponent's eyes widen in fear. The lance hits, and the opponent flies through the air and lands in front of Shrek, Puss and Donkey. Shrek looks back at the victorious Knight. He removes his helmet revealing a strong handsome face. The Knight enjoys his victory. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) Ha ha! There is no sweeter taste on thy tongue than victory! JOCKS Oy! Right! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Shrek turns to Puss. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 36. SHREK Strong, handsome, face of a leader. Does Arthur look like a King or what? Shrek steps forward. TEENAGER (ARTIE) Ow. Shrek looks down, his foot planted square in the chest of LANCELOT's opponent. Shrek steps back. SHREK Oh. Sorry. The kid doesn't budge, his arms and legs still sprawled out where he hit the ground. TEENAGER (ARTIE) Did you just say you were looking for Arthur? Shrek, Puss and Donkey turn back around. PUSS That information is on a need to know basis. DONKEY It's top secret, hushity hush. CUT TO: EXT. JOUSTING RANGE - KNIGHTS AREA The Knight commands his

troops. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) Now gentlemen let's away... to the showers! JOCKS Oy! Right! Ooo! Ooo! Shrek approaches the Knight. The Knight's horse rears up and he falls off. The horse gallops off. The Knight looks up at Shrek in fear. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 37. SHREK (CONT'D) Greetings your majesty. This is your lucky day. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) So what for like are you supposed to be? Some kind of giant mutant leprechaun or something? SHREK Oh, ho, ho, ho. Giant mutant leprechaun... You made a funny. Shrek scoops up the Knight, tosses him over his shoulder, ogre-style. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) Unhand me, monster! SHREK Stop squirming, Arthur. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) I'm not Arthur! Shrek stops and holds Lancelot above his head. Lancelot tries to regain his dignity. LANCELOT I am Lancelot. Lancelot points across the school yard. LANCELOT That dork over there is Arthur! He points to the TEENAGE ARTHUR, skulking away across the school yard. SHREK Hey! Artie turns his head briefly, but keeps on walking. Shrek sighs and dumps Lancelot to the ground. LANCELOT Aaah. Shrek storms off towards the school. Puss and Donkey catch up. One of the female students steps in front of Shrek. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 38. GUINEVERRE Ahem! This is like totally embarrassing, but my friend Tiffany thinkest thou vex her so soothly... The other girls giggle. GUINEVERRE And she thought perchance thou would wanna ask her to the Homecoming Dance or something... SHREK Uh, excuse me? GUINEVERRE It's like whatever. She's just totally into college guys and mythical creatures and stuff. She pops her gum. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - LATER Shrek and Puss search the hallways, looking for Artie. SHREK Oh Arthur! Come out, come out wherever you are... Off-screen we hear mumbling from inside a locker. Shrek and Puss look as Donkey pushes the locker door open. He has been stuffed inside. Off-screen we hear some students laughing. DONKEY Yeah, you better run, you little punk no good-niks, `cause the days of "Little Donkey Dumpy Drawers" are over!

An "I Suck-eth" sign has been taped Donkey's butt. Shrek spots students entering the Gymnasium. They approach a HALL MONITOR who stops them. HALL MONITOR Hold it... Two mascot costumed students walk up to the hall monitor. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 39. COSTUME STUDENT 1 We're here for the Mascot Contest. COSTUME STUDENT 2 Grrrrr! The Hall Monitor waves them in. Shrek gets an idea. SHREK (pleased with himself) We're here for the Mascot Contest too. The Hall Monitor reaches out and starts painfully pinching and pulling Shrek's skin. Shrek tries to hide the pain. HALL MONITOR (SUSPICIOUS) This is a costume? SHREK (RECOVERING) Aaaiyyyy... worked on it all night long! The Hall Monitor lets his face snap back into place. Shrek struggles not to scream in agony. Hall Monitor is still suspicious. HALL MONITOR Looks pretty real to me. PUSS If it were real could I do this? Puss's claws snap out one at a time like jack-knives and then Puss jabs all the claws deep into Shrek's butt. DONKEY Or this? Donkey kicks Shrek hard in the groin with his hind legs. Shrek winces and sweats. SHREK (UNBELIEVABLY STRAINED) He's right! If it were real that would have been agonizingly painful! DONKEY Now watch this.... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 40. SHREK (INTERRUPTING; THROUGH GRITTED TEETH) That's quite enough boys. INT. GYMNASIUM - CONTINUOUS Principal Pynchley presides over an assembly for the entire student body. He speaks through a megaphone. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY Thank you to Professor Primbottom for his invigorating lecture on how to just say "nay". Two students are standing next to Pynchley. One is dressed up like a dragon and the other as a griffin. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY And now, without further ado, let's give a warm Worcestershire-hoozah to the winner of our "New Mascot" contest... the-- Shrek bursts through the double-doors of the gym. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY (CONT'D) --ogre? The students gasp as Shrek marches forward. SHREK That's right. I'm the new mascot. So let's really try and beat the other guys... at whatever it is they're doing. The band

plays Smashmouth's "Rock Star." PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY This is indeed all a bit unorthodox. Without breaking stride, Shrek grabs Principal Pynchley's megaphone. SHREK Now, where can I find Arthur Pendragon? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 41. The students all point... to the basketball hoop, where Artie hangs helplessly. Shrek, Donkey and Puss turn and look up and see the freshly wedgied student. The students laugh. In the front row, Lancelot bumps fists with Bohort. LANCELOT Classic. Donkey turns to Lancelot. DONKEY You should be ashamed of yourself. LANCELOT I didn't do it. They did. Lance points to the D&D nerds. They are beside themselves with nasal laughter. Nosebleed boy starts bleeding again. Shrek reaches up and pulls Artie down to eye level. ARTIE Please don't eat me. STUDENTS (CHANTING) Eat him! Eat him! Even Principal Pynchley gets caught up in the excitement. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY Eat him! Shrek yanks on Artie and pulls him off the hoop. SHREK I'm not here to eat him. STUDENTS AWWW. SHREK It's time to pack up your toothbrush and jammies. You're the new King of Far Far Away. ARTIE What? The students react with surprise and disbelief. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 42. LANCELOT Artie a King? More like the Mayor of Loserville. BOHORT Nice one Lance! They high five. The tuba player plays a Wha-wha-wha. LANCELOT Burn. Everyone laughs. ARTIE Is this for real? SHREK Absolutely. Now clean out your locker, kid. You've got a kingdom to run. ARTIE So wait, I'm really the only heir? Shrek pauses for just a moment, then... SHREK The one and only. ARTIE Give me just a second. Artie turns back to the crowd and delivers a heartfelt speech. ARTIE My good people, I think there's a lesson here for all of us. Maybe the next time you're about to dunk a kid's head in a chamber pot, you'll stop and think, hey, maybe this guy has feelings. Maybe I should cut him some slack. Because maybe, just maybe... this guy's gonna turn out to be, uh...I

dunno...a King! And maybe his first royal decree will be to banish everyone who ever picked on him -- that's right, I'm looking at you, jousting team. Artie points and Lancelot and his buddies look horrified. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 43. ARTIE And Gwen... oh Gwen. I've always loved you. GUINEVERRE Ew. ARTIE Well good friends, it breaks my heart, but, enjoy your stay here in prison while I rule the free world baby! SHREK Alright, let's not overdo it. ARTIE I'm building my city people! On Rock and Roll! SHREK You just overdid it. Shrek shoves the kid through the door. ARTIE Ow! Shrek, Donkey, and Puss exit the gymnasium. CUT TO: INT. LIBRARY - DAY All the Princesses and Fairy-tale Creatures have gathered for Fiona's baby shower. A group of birds gently place a flowered wreath on Fiona's head. The Princesses all gaze at her. PRINCESSES (GASP) Oh! SNOW WHITE Look at you! RAPUNZEL Wow! SNOW WHITE You look darling! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 44. SLEEPING BEAUTY Just precious! Look at her! RAPUNZEL So, have you had any cravings since you've been pregnant? Fiona stands at the buffet table, stuffing her face with cakes, pies, and anything else she can get her hands on. FIONA (MOUTH FULL) No, no, not at all. She takes another bite. FIONA Do you smell ham? SNOW WHITE (SINGING) Oooh! It's present time! The birds and forest creatures all flock to Snow White. They chirp and hoot happily. Snow White looks annoyed. CINDERELLA Oh, Fiona, won't you please open mine first? It's the one in front. Fiona reads the card. FIONA (READING) "Congratulations on your new mess maker..." Oh, `mess maker.' (LAUGHS) "Hopefully this helps. Love, Cinderella." Fiona opens it and pulls out a plastic baggy and pooper- scooper. PRINCESSES Oooo! Aaaah! DORIS Will you look at that! SLEEPING BEAUTY What is it? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 45.

CINDERELLA It's for the poopies. SLEEPING BEAUTY Eww. Wait, babies poop? RAPUNZEL Everyone poops Beauty. The Fairy-tale Creatures get excited. PIG #2 Fiona... PIG #1 Fiona! We all chipped in for a little present too. PIGS Yah! Pinocchio spins around, revealing a "Baby-Bjorn" with Gingerbread Man inside. GINGERBREAD MAN/PINOCCHIO Ta dah! PRINCESSES Oooh. GINGERBREAD MAN You know the baby's gonna love it because I do! FIONA Oh, you guys, that's so sweet. Thank you. Fiona turns to another present. FIONA Who's this one from? SNOW WHITE I got you the biggest one because I love you the most. The other girls scowl at her. FIONA (reading the card) "Have one on me, love Snow White" Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 46. Fiona pulls the string, opening the box to reveal a dwarf. FIONA (CONFUSED) Umm... what is it? SNOW WHITE Ha, haaa! He's a live-in baby- sitter. NANNY DWARF Where's the baby? FIONA You're too kind, Snow, but I can't accept this. SNOW WHITE Think nothing of it. I've got six more at home. FIONA What does he do? CINDERELLA The cleaning. SNOW WHITE The feeding. NANNY DWARF The burping. FIONA So what are Shrek and I supposed to do? RAPUNZEL Well, now you'll have plenty of time to work on your marriage. FIONA Gee thanks Rapunzel, and what's that supposed to mean? RAPUNZEL Oh, come on now, Fiona. You know what happens. Cinderella prods beauty. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 47. SLEEPING BEAUTY (WAKING) Huh? You're tired all the time... SNOW WHITE You'll start letting yourself go... GINGERBREAD MAN Stretch marks! RAPUNZEL Say goodbye to romance. Dragon puts her head through the

window. DRAGON Yort. FIONA Um sorry... but how many of you have kids? Doris wedges herself in on the couch. DORIS She's right. A baby is only gonna strengthen the love that Shrek and Fiona have. How did Shrek react when you told him? Tell me! Fiona smiles. FIONA Well, when he first found out...Shrek said- DRAGON Roarrr! CUT TO: EXT. SKY ABOVE FAR FAR AWAY - DAY The Fairy-tale Villains are heading into town on flying broomsticks. The Evil Trees are hanging underneath some of the large broomsticks. Prince Charming is riding side saddle with one of the witches. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) (LAUGHING) Onward my new friends. (MORE) Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 48. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) To our happily ever afters! Ha ha ha ha ha! A bug flies into his mouth. PRINCE CHARMING Gaa! Gulp! Ahhhh! Prince Charming takes the bug out of his mouth. PRINCE CHARMING Now, bombs away! From the sky, Prince Charming, Cyclops and the Evil Witches swoop down in "winged" formation on the broomsticks. The Evil Trees are dropped like bombs. They pull their branches (i.e. rip cord) to activate their plumage as parachutes. Prince Charming and his army dive bomb towards Rodeo Drive. EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS A POV shot of an Evil Witch flying over Rodeo Drive. People are diving out of her way. The Evil Trees land, surrounding the shoppers, who flee in terror. EVIL TREES Ha ha ha ha ha ha! A shadow falls over the child, and he looks up to reveal Captain Hook and the Headless Horseman on horseback. CAPTAIN HOOK Well, well, well. If it isn't Peter Pan. MOTHER His name's not Peter! CAPTAIN HOOK Shut it, Wendy! MOTHER Ahhh! Evil dwarves chase patrons from the "Ye Olde Booteria" shop. They replace a few letters on a store window and turn it into "Ye Olde HOOTERS." The excited patrons race back in. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 49. An Evil Knight scares the patrons of Farbucks away and then takes a seat to drink the unfinished coffee. Another Villain throws a cart through a store window. Cyclops rips the stamps off some envelopes, puts the envelopes back in the mailbox and laughs. CYCLOPS Ha, ha, ha, ha! The camera pans up to Prince Charming on the broomstick

flying down Rodeo Drive. PRINCE CHARMING Enough pillaging! To the castle! Prince Charming, on the broom, leads the Fairy-tale Villains up to the castle. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE - CONTINUOUS The Evil Witches surround the castle. Dragon takes down one of the witches flying by, but more Evil Witches circle her. Fiona runs to the window. The Evil Witches drop a metal net over Dragon. She struggles. DRAGON Roarrrr! CUT TO: INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS BANG! The Fairy-tale Creatures run to barricade the door. The Three Pigs and Pinocchio push a dresser and other furniture in front of the door. The Fairy-tale Creatures are fortifying the room. They brace themselves against the furniture. GINGERBREAD MAN (TO FIONA) You go and take care of the baby! The Princesses panic. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 50. SNOW WHITE Everybody stay calm. We're all going to die! Doris slaps Snow White to calm her down. SNOW WHITE (WHIMPER) Fiona rushes to the fireplace and pushes it to one side, revealing an underground passageway. FIONA Everyone in! Now. INT. OUTSIDE LIBRARY DOOR - CONTINUOUS Prince Charming commands the Villains. PRINCE CHARMING C'mon. Put some back into it people! The Villains use an Evil Tree as a battering ram. Cyclops rides the tree like a mechanical bull. CYCLOPS Yee-haw! Ow. INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS BOOM! The door is starting to give way. FIONA We don't have time. Now go! QUEEN Quickly ladies! The Princesses go down the stairs. GINGERBREAD MAN We'll hold them off as long as we can! BOOM! There is a loud explosion and the door blows open. Prince Charming and the Fairy-tale Villains enter. He spots the Fairy-tale Creatures having a tea party. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 51. PRINCE CHARMING Where are Shrek and Fiona? GINGERBREAD MAN Name doesn't ring a bell. PIG #1 Yah! PIG #2 No bell! The Fairy-tale Creatures go back to drinking their tea. PRINCE CHARMING I suggest you freaks cooperate with

the new King of Far Far Away. GINGERBREAD MAN The only thing you're ever gonna be King of is "King of the Stupids." Prince Charming snaps his fingers. PRINCE CHARMING Hook! CAPTAIN HOOK Right! Captain Hook approaches Gingerbread Man. CAPTAIN HOOK Avast, ye cookie! He raises his hook under Gingerbread Man's chin. CAPTAIN HOOK Start talkin'! Gingerbread Man tries to hold strong, but passes out. A montage of Gingerbread Man's life flashes before his eyes. INT. BAKERY - DAY A baker pulls some gingerbread cookies out of the oven. He puts on the gum drop buttons and Gingerbread Man is born. MUFFIN MAN Gingy! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 52. GINGERBREAD MAN Papa! INT. GINGERBREAD CLASSROOM - DAY Gingerbread Man is attending school. TEACHER Settle down, now. Gingerbread Man graduates. EXT. ROAD TRIP - DAY Gingerbread Man is driving in his car with the top down. INT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT Gingerbread Man is making out with his girlfriend at a movie. EXT. CHURCH - DAY Gingerbread Man and his bride run down the aisle as man and wife. INT. FARQUAAD'S CASTLE - DAY Gingerbread Man is locked in a jail. Farquaad pulls off his legs. INT. GYM - DAY Gingerbread Man is running on a treadmill, doing his rehabilitation. EXT. WHEAT FIELD - DAY Gingerbread Man is running through a wheat field. CUT BACK TO: INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS Gingerbread Man is still in a dream state singing. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 53. GINGERBREAD MAN (SINGING) "On the Good Ship Lollypop, It's a sweet trip, To the candy shop, Where the Bon Bons play, On the sunny beach of Peppermint Bay.." Prince Charming becomes frustrated, he turns Pinocchio's head towards him. PRINCE CHARMING You! You can't lie. So tell me puppet... Where is Shrek?! Pinocchio thinks. PINOCCHIO (NERVOUS) Well, I don't know where he's not. Prince Charming gets in Pinocchio's face.

PRINCE CHARMING You're telling me you don't know where Shrek is? Pinocchio is still a little nervous. PINOCCHIO It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume that I couldn't exactly not say that is or isn't almost partially incorrect. Pinocchio thinks he has the upper hand. PRINCE CHARMING So you do know where he is! PINOCCHIO On the contrary, I'm possibly more or less, not definitely rejecting the idea, that in no way, with any amount of uncertainty that... PRINCE CHARMING Stop it. PINOCCHIO (CONT'D) ...I undeniably do or do not know where he shouldn't probably be. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 54. Captain Hook scratches his head, even the Three Little Pigs are frustrated. PINOCCHIO If that indeed wasn't where he isn't. Even if he wasn't not where I knew he was could mean that I wouldn't completely not know where he wasn't. Gingerbread Man continues to sing his "Lollipop Song." PIG #1 Oh, enough! Shrek went off to bring back the next heir! Oh! The pig realizes his admission and immediately covers his mouth. Pinocchio laughs nervously. PRINCE CHARMING He's bringing back the next heir? PINOCCHIO No! Pinocchio's nose grows. PRINCE CHARMING Hook! Get rid of this new "King." CAPTAIN HOOK Right! PRINCE CHARMING But bring Shrek to me. I have something special in mind for him. PINOCCHIO He'll never fall for your tricks! Pinocchio's nose grows again. WOLF Oh boy. CUT TO: EXT. BOAT DECK - DUSK The boat cuts through the open sea. Artie smiles as he watches Worcestershire shrinking away on the horizon. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 55. ARTIE I can't believe it... me a King? I...I mean I knew I came from royalty and all, but I just figured everyone forgot about me. He looks out to sea, disbelieving. SHREK Oh no, in fact, the King asked for you personally. Artie smiles. ARTIE Really? Wow! Look, I know it's not all gonna be fun and games. SHREK It really is all fun and games, actually. Sure, you have to knight a few heroes, launch a ship or two. By the way, make sure you hit the boat just right with the bottle.

ARTIE Boat with the bottle? Any idiot can hit a boat with a bottle. Shrek chuckles sheepishly. SHREK Well, I've heard it's harder than it looks. ARTIE Whoa!! This is gonna be huge. Parties, princesses, castles... princesses. DONKEY It's gonna be great, Artie. You'll be living in the lap of luxury. They got the finest chefs around waiting for you to place your order. Puss jumps up onto the railing next to Artie. PUSS And fortunately you'll have the royal food tasters. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 56. ARTIE (INTRIGUED)) Oh yeah? What do they do? PUSS They taste the food before the King eats, to make sure it's not poisoned. ARTIE Poisoned? Shrek senses trouble and immediately steps in. SHREK Or too salty! Shrek turns to Puss and Donkey, trying to shut them up. DONKEY (TO ARTIE) Don't worry about it. You'll be safe and sound with the help of your body guards. ARTIE Body guards? PUSS All of them, willing at a moment's notice to lay down their own lives out of devotion to you. ARTIE Really? PUSS Si, and the whole kingdom will look to you for wisdom and guidance. Behind Artie, Shrek mouths "shut-up" to Puss and Donkey. DONKEY Just make sure they don't die of famine. PUSS Or plague. DONKEY Oh, plague is bad. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 57. PUSS The coughing, the groaning, the festering sores. Shrek interrupts with a mock laugh. SHREK Oh! Festering sores! Hey, you are one funny kitty cat. PUSS What did I say? SHREK We don't want Artie here getting the wrong idea. Shrek motions to Artie, but he's gone. They all look around. SHREK (CONT'D) Uh, Artie? The boat suddenly pitches to the right. Shrek braces himself. Puss and Donkey tumble away. ALL Whoa! Artie swings the wheel around, sending the boat back in the direction of his school. Shrek works his way into the cabin and gains control of the wheel. The drunken Ship Captain slides by.

SHIP CAPTAIN Whoa! Oh, there goes my hip. SHREK Artie! Shrek turns the wheel the other way. SHREK (CONT'D) What are you doing?! The boat veers again, heading back toward Far Far Away. Artie falls to the ground and slides to the back of the boat. A shuffle board stick slides next to Artie. He grabs it. ARTIE What does it look like?! He jams it in the boat's wheel. The boat lurches. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 58. He swings the boat back in the other direction. Shrek rises up and grabs the wheel and turns it. SHREK This really isn't up to you! Artie falls underneath the wheel. He stands up shoving the wheel back the other way. ARTIE But I don't know anything about being King! SHREK You'll learn on the job! Donkey and Puss roll across the deck. DONKEY Whoaaa! Shrek grabs the wheel and swings it around. Artie yanks the wheel. They wrestle for control. ARTIE Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm going back! SHREK Back to what? Being a loser?! As soon as the word leaves his lips, Shrek knows he's gone too far. Stung, Artie lets go of the wheel, leaving Shrek to yank hard on it. He pulls the steering column from the decking. SHREK (CONT'D) Now look what you did! ARTIE Look what I did? Who's holding the wheel chief? Donkey climbs up onto the railing. He is seasick and is about to puke when he sees jagged rocks ahead. DONKEY (SWALLOWING; THEN SHOUTING) Shrek! Shrek desperately sets the wheel back down and tries to steer the ship clear of the rocks. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 59. The camera pans past the boat. Off-screen we hear the boat crash into the rocks. SHIP CAPTAIN (O.S.) Land ho! EXT. BEACH - DUSK Shrek, holding Puss and Donkey, staggers onto a small beach. He glares at Artie who pulls himself out of the surf. Shrek drops Puss and Donkey. Puss, tired of being wet, shakes himself vigorously. His fur puffs up into a fro. He drops his head in shame. PUSS How humiliating... SHREK Oh, nice going, Your Highness. ARTIE Oh, so now it's "Your highness?" What happened to "loser?" Huh? SHREK Hey, if you think this is getting you out of anything, well it

isn't. We're heading back to Far Far Away one way or another, and you're gonna be a father! Artie raises an eyebrow. Puss and Donkey stare at Shrek uncomfortably. ARTIE What? DONKEY (clearing his throat) A-hem. You just said father... SHREK You're... I said king. You're gonna be King! ARTIE (IMITATING SHREK) "You're gonna be King!" Yeah right. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 60. Artie shakes his head and marches down the beach toward a path into the woods. SHREK Where do you think you're going? ARTIE Far Far Away... from you! SHREK You get back here young man and I mean it! Artie keeps climbing. PUSS Uh boss, I don't think he's coming back and maybe it's for the best. He is not exactly king material. Shrek looks towards Artie. DONKEY When were you planning on telling him that you were really supposed to be King? SHREK Oh c'mon, now why would I do that? Besides, he'll be ten times better at it than me. Shrek starts off after Artie. Donkey jumps in front of Shrek. DONKEY Hey, woah ho ho, Shrek. Then you're gonna have to change your tactics if you want to get anywhere with this kid. Beat. SHREK You're right, Donkey. Shrek picks up a piece of driftwood. SHREK What about this? Donkey shakes his head in disgust. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 61. DONKEY Shrek! Shrek tosses the log. SHREK Oh c'mon. It's just a joke. (LAUGHS) Still... Shrek walks off, trying to catch up to Artie. EXT. FOREST - MOMENTS LATER Artie marches up the mountain trail. Shrek thinks for a moment and then tries a different tactic with the kid. He catches up to Artie. SHREK Listen Artie... Artie looks back over his shoulder. He sees Shrek and just keeps going. SHREK (CONT'D) If you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you dude. I mean, I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof or whatever, but what I am screaming is, yo, check out this kazing thazing bazaby. Puss and Donkey glance at each other. Artie notices a cottage in the distance

and heads toward it. SHREK I mean, if it doesn't groove or what I'm saying ain't straight trippin', just say, oh no you didn't, you know, you're gettin' on my last nerve. And then I'll know it's... then I'll know it's whack-- Passing a tree, Artie nonchalantly releases the branch, striking Shrek square in the face and takes off running. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 62. EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP -- CONTINUOUS A boiling soup pot sits over a fire in front of a small shack. Artie charges though, pounding desperately on the door. ARTIE SOMEBODY HELP! I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED BY A MONSTER TRYING TO RELATE TO ME! SHREK Artie! Wait! Shrek, Puss, and Donkey run into the camp. ARTIE C'mon! C'mon! Help! Help! Hello? Suddenly, a burst of light shoots through a candle box that is hung on the door. A bright, colorful image of an old wizard's head is projected out. Donkey is terrified. DONKEY AHHHH! WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN) Greetings cosmic children of the universe, and welcome to my serenity circle! Shrek watches. WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN) Please leave any bad vibes outside the healing vortex. And now prepare ... With a "FZZZZT" and a "BLOOP", the image disappears. The door opens and a tiny old man, Merlin, comes out. MERLIN I knew I should of gotten that warranty! Merlin smashes the security device with his little fist and is promptly zapped in the head. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 63. MERLIN AHH! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. ARTIE Mr. Merlin? SHREK You know this guy? ARTIE Yeah. He was the school's magic teacher until he had his nervous breakdown. MERLIN Uh, technically I was merely a victim of a level three fatigue, and at the request of my therapist and the school authorities, I have retired to the tranquility of nature to discover my divine purpose. Merlin smacks a fly that has landed on his head. Shrek and Artie stare in astonishment. MERLIN Now, can I interest anyone in a snack or beverage? SHREK Uh, no. Merlin offers up a baking dish full of rocks. MERLIN Sure you don't wanna try my famous rock au-gratin? Merlin takes a bite and chews loudly. His gums are bleeding from eating rocks.

MERLIN It's organic! They both stare at him uncomfortably. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 64. SHREK Oh, thanks, I just ate a boulder on the way in. What we need are directions back to Far Far Away. ARTIE What's with the "we"? Who said I was going with you? SHREK Oh, I did. Cause there's a lot of people counting on you so don't try and weasel out of it. ARTIE If it's such a great job, why don't you do it? SHREK Understand this kid, it's no more Mr. Nice Guy from here on out! ARTIE Oh, so that was your "Mr. Nice Guy?" SHREK I know, and I'm gonna miss him. ARTIE You know what? Why don't you go terrorize a village and leave me alone? SHREK Oh, is that some kind of crack about ogres? You get your royal highness to Far Far Away before I kick it there. (TO MERLIN) Now which way am I kicking? MERLIN Oh, I could tell you. But since you're in the midst of self- destructive rage spiral it would be karmic-ly irresponsible. SHREK Self-destructive ra... (TO MERLIN) Look, are you gonna help us or not? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 65. MERLIN Most definitely, but only after you take the journey to your soul. SHREK Yeah, I don't think so. MERLIN Look pal, it's either that or some primal scream therapy. Ahhhhhhhhhh! Shrek grabs Merlin's mouth and closes it. SHREK Alright, alright... journey to the soul... CUT TO: EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP - LATER A fire blazes. Merlin throws a handful of dirt into the fire, it flares. MERLIN Now all of you, look into the "Fire of Truth" and tell me what you see! Yah! Ha! (Wild war cry) Woo-looo-looo-looo! He points at the smoke and it starts to form objects (i.e. Rorschach inkblots). Puss and Donkey, excited, sit by the fire. DONKEY Ooo! Charades! Okay, I see a dutch fudge torte with cinnamon swirls. MERLIN Okay. Monster, go for it. Shrek glances at the fire. The stroller from his nightmare begins to take shape in the smoke. He blows the image away. He covers his fear and changes the subject. SHREK I see a rainbow pony. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 66.

MERLIN Excellent work! (THEN) Now! The boy! ARTIE This is lame. Merlin whacks Artie on the back of the head. ARTIE Ow! MERLIN You're lame! Now just go for it. He tosses more dirt and flames burst up. Artie studies it. ARTIE Okay. There's a baby bird and a father bird sitting in a nest. Merlin starts beating a drum. Artie's expression starts to change as he stays focused. MERLIN Yes! Stay with it! Stay with it! ARTIE Wait, the dad just flew away. Why did he leave the little bird all alone? Shrek starts to take this in as he watches. Artie gets more worked up. ARTIE It's trying to fly, but it doesn't know how to. It.. it's gonna fall! Suddenly, Artie catches what he said. As the smoke drifts away, he looks and sees everyone else staring back at him, stunned. MERLIN Whew, proper head case you are, aren't you? Really messed up. Whoa. Merlin goes back inside. They all stare at Artie. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 67. ARTIE Yeah, yeah, okay. I get it. The bird's me. My dad left. So what? Donkey gives Shrek a nudge to go over and talk to Artie. Shrek hesitates and Donkey insists. SHREK (CLEARS THROAT) Look Artie...um- Just as he's about to get going, "That's What Friends Are For" starts playing loudly from Merlin's security device drowning out any conversation. They all turn toward the shack where Merlin peeks out. MERLIN (loud, over the music) Just thought I might help set the mood! Y'know for your big heart to heart chat! Everyone stares at him. He sheepishly turns off the device and shuts the door. It's quiet again. SHREK I know what it's like to not feel ready for something. Artie looks at him. SHREK Even ogres get scared...you know, once in a while. ARTIE I know you want me to be king, but I can't. I'm not cut out for it and I never will be, alright? Shrek takes this in. ARTIE (CONT'D) Even my own dad knew I wasn't worth the trouble. He dumped me at that school the first chance he got and I never heard from him again. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 68. SHREK My dad wasn't really the fatherly

type either. ARTIE Well, I doubt he was worse than mine. SHREK Oh yeah? My father was an ogre. He tried to eat me. Artie looks at Shrek. SHREK Now, I guess I should have seen it coming. He used to give me a bath in barbecue sauce and put me to bed with an apple in my mouth. Artie chuckles at this. ARTIE Okay... I guess that's... pretty bad. Artie laughs and then pokes at the fire. SHREK You know, it may be hard to believe what with my obvious charm and good looks, but people used to think that I was a monster. And for a long time, I believed them. Artie looks up at Shrek. SHREK (CONT'D) But after awhile, you learn to ignore the names that people call you and you just trust who you are. Artie gently pokes at the embers with a stick for a moment. ARTIE You know, you're okay, Shrek. He tosses the stick into the fire. ARTIE You just need to do a little less yelling and use a little more soap. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 69. SHREK Thanks Artie. ARTIE The soap's because you stink. Really bad. SHREK Yeah. I got that. The camera slowly booms up and away from the group as the fire continues to burn. CUT TO: INT. SEWER CATACOMBS - CONTINUOUS The Princesses, Fiona and the Queen are surrounded by darkness as they tiptoe down the steps and into the catacombs below the castle. They round a corner and step onto a ledge with Fiona leading the way, holding a torch. CINDERELLA Oh this place is filthy. I feel like a hobo. Fiona tries to keep her frustration in check. SNOW WHITE I'm sorry but this just isn't working for me. Sleeping Beauty, still being carried by Doris, wakes up. SLEEPING BEAUTY Everything's always about you, isn't it? It's not like your attitude is helping, Snow. SNOW WHITE Well maybe it just bothers you that I was voted fairest in the land. RAPUNZEL You mean in that rigged election? SNOW WHITE Oh, give me a break. (gesturing toward hair) (MORE) Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 70. SNOW WHITE (cont'd) "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down thy golden extensions!" QUEEN Ladies, let go of your petty complaints and let's work together.

Snow White and Rapunzel share an indignant look. Fiona travels deeper into the catacombs. The other Princesses follow. SNOW WHITE So I guess the plan is we just wander aimlessly in this stink hole until we rot. FIONA No, we're gonna get inside and find out what Charming's up to. DORIS I know he's a jerk and everything, but I gotta admit, that Charming makes me hotter than July. SLEEPING BEAUTY Ew! RAPUNZEL Ugh. Finally, Fiona spots what she was looking for. FIONA That's it! Fiona, the Queen and the Princesses run towards a long ladder and climb up through a grate into the main castle courtyard. EXT. CASTLE GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS They peer around a corner and see the construction of an outdoor theater is underway. Two stagehands walk by carrying a large dragon set piece. Evil dwarves are busy painting the set. The finishing touches are put on the stage tower. The Princesses hug the wall as a group of guards march by. Rapunzel takes off in the other direction, and signals the Princesses to follow her. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 71. RAPUNZEL Come on, this way! FIONA Rapunzel. Wait! Fiona and the Princesses race after Rapunzel. They spot her sprinting into the castle and follow her. They burst through the doors and see Prince Charming holding Rapunzel by the arm. FIONA Charming, let go of her. A large group of armed Far Far Away Guards surround them. Prince Charming smiles at Fiona. PRINCE CHARMING But why would I want to do that? RAPUNZEL Grrrr! PRINCE CHARMING Woof! He looks back at Rapunzel lovingly, and the two share a long kiss. Fiona and the other Princesses are shocked. FIONA What? PRINCE CHARMING Say hello ladies, to the new Queen of Far Far Away. Cinderella claps excitedly. CINDERELLA Yaaaaaaaaay! The Princesses stare her down. FIONA Rapunzel, how could you? RAPUNZEL Jealous much? Prince Charming eyes up the Princesses. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 72. PRINCE CHARMING Soon you'll be back where you started... scrubbing floors or locked away in towers; that is, if I let you last the week.

RAPUNZEL But Pooky, you promised you wouldn't hurt them! PRINCE CHARMING Not here, "kitten whiskers." Daddy will discuss it later. Now forgive us, we have a show to put on. FIONA Shrek will be back soon Charming, and you'll be sorry. He stops and flashes a sadistic smile. PRINCE CHARMING Sorry? Don't you realize --once Shrek sets foot in Far Far Away he's doomed? Prince Charming leads Rapunzel out. She looks back at them apologetically. Everyone wears a look of defeat. The guards march them off. Fiona and the princesses are locked away in a prison cell. Fiona looks through the bars of the cell, feeling helpless. CUT TO: EXT. WOODS OUTSIDE OF FAR FAR AWAY - DAY Shrek startles awake. He sits up and scratches his head, looking around. He realizes it's morning. Behind him a peaceful bird lands on a tree branch. Suddenly, the tree branch that was holding the bird flicks it off. Shrek senses the movement behind him and turns around to find everything is normal. He turns back around to wake up everyone. The trees start to advance toward Shrek. The log Artie is sleeping on suddenly sits up, knocking Artie, who is still asleep, to the ground. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 73. ARTIE Ow! The tree turns around to reveal an Evil Tree. Donkey finally wakes up. DONKEY Ahhh! The Evil Trees continue to advance. A piano is heard. The trees part and Hook is revealed to be playing the piano. The music builds to a dramatic finale. Captain Hook turns away from his keys and faces them. DONKEY Look out! They've got a piano! CAPTAIN HOOK Kill `em all. Except the fat one. He stares hard at Shrek and aims his hooked prosthetic. CAPTAIN HOOK King Charming has something special in mind for you, ogre. Shrek is perplexed. SHREK "King Charming?" CAPTAIN HOOK Attack! Pirates charge forward, swinging in from the tree branches. PIRATES AAAARGH! One lands and gets his peg-leg stuck in the ground. The pirates close in. Shrek grabs one and throws him to the side. One pirate raises his sword and prepares to swing at Artie. SHREK Artie, Duck! Shrek pushes Artie's head down and the sword narrowly misses him. The pirate prepares to swing again and Shrek lifts Artie above his head. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 74.

Still in the air, Artie uses both legs to kick the pirate to the ground. Shrek and Artie share a satisfied look. A pirate charges Donkey. DONKEY Ahhh! Puss draws his sword and begins fighting off the pirate, protecting Donkey. CAPTAIN HOOK Ha-ha! Argh! PIRATES Argh! Argh! The camera pans across the back of the piano to reveal Merlin happily playing along with Captain Hook. He notices and rudely elbows Merlin out of the way. A pirate runs at Shrek, only to be tripped by Artie. The pirate bounces off Shrek's belly. CAPTAIN HOOK Ready the plank! A wooden board is thrown on a stump, creating a makeshift "plank." The pirates back Shrek onto the plank. Several pirates with swords force Shrek onto the plank. He is backed up to the edge of the plank and falls into a waiting treasure chest below. Several pirates try to shut the lid on him. Puss, Donkey and Artie are trying to hold off the Villains. Suddenly, two Evil Trees come into frame and scoop Puss, Donkey and Artie up in a net. The pirates aim the cannon at Puss, Donkey and Artie. Artie starts to panic. Puss extracts his claws and tries to cut through the netting. The cannon fuse is lit. Shrek bursts open the treasure chest and stands up with the chest still stuck to his behind. DONKEY Shrek! ARTIE Help! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 75. Shrek sees the lit fuse and quickly formulates a plan. He grabs two pirates and shoves them into the treasure chest. He tosses the chest onto the other end of the plank and catapults himself over to the cannon. At the last second, Shrek is able to aim the cannon in the opposite direction. The cannon fires and hits Captain Hook's piano, blowing it into pieces. Realizing their defeat, the Evil Trees drop the netting that holds Donkey, Puss and Artie. The Evil Trees and Pirates take off running. Captain Hook turns and sees his army running off. He shakes his hook in the air. CAPTAIN HOOK Ya cowards! SHREK What has Charming done with Fiona? CAPTAIN HOOK She's gonna get what's coming to her. He raises his hook threateningly but it gets caught on an Evil Tree's branch and is dragged away with the rest of the Villains. CAPTAIN HOOK Ahhh. (YELLING BACK) And there ain't nothing you can do to stop him! TIGHT ON SHREK, filled with worry. Nothing else matters to him now. Artie, Puss, and Donkey run over to Shrek. PUSS We've got to save her! DONKEY

But she's so far far away! Shrek thinks for a moment. SHREK Get yourself back to Worcestershire, kid. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 76. ARTIE No, Shrek. Hold on a second. I've got an idea. EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP - CONTINUOUS Merlin is sitting cross-legged, deep in meditation. Artie approaches him. MERLIN (CHANTING) I'm a buzzing bee, buzz, buzz, buzz... ARTIE Mr. Merlin, they need a spell to get them...I mean, us, back to Far Far Away. Merlin stops meditating and looks out of the corner of his eye at Artie. MERLIN (GETTING UP) Forget it. I don't have that kind of magic in me anymore, kid. How about a hug instead? Hmm? That's the best kind of magic. Artie tries a new approach. ARTIE Mr. Merlin please. I know you can DO IT- MERLIN I said, forget it! ARTIE BUT- Merlin turns and starts to walk away muttering under his breath. MERLIN (CONT'D) Mumble, grumble, interrupt my healing. Mumble, mumble. Artie thinks for a moment, staring at Merlin. Artie starts to sob. Merlin stops and turns around. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 77. MERLIN Oh. What, what's with you? Artie continues to cry. ARTIE It's just so hard. You know? They really need to get back `cause their kingdom's in trouble `cause there's a really bad man and it's just so hard... Merlin is visibly uncomfortable. MERLIN C'mon, take it easy. Artie's blubbering becomes frustrated and unpredictable. ARTIE No! I don't think you understand! There's a mean person doing mean things to good people- SHREK Oh, have a heart old man! Artie grabs him, now desperate. ARTIE And they really need your help to get them back! So why won't you help them? MERLIN Oh. Artie speaks one last, indecipherable line. Merlin is stunned. He doesn't know what to do. MERLIN Uh, Okay... I'll go and get my things. Merlin goes into his cave. Artie immediately recovers. Shrek is impressed. ARTIE Piece of cake. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 78.

SHREK Well, well, well. You want some eggs with that ham? Shrek smiles. Merlin returns holding a spell book. MERLIN Now, I am a little rusty, so there could be some side effects. DONKEY Side effects!? MERLIN Don't worry, whatever it is, no matter how excruciatingly painful it may be, it'll wear off eventually... I think. Merlin cracks his knuckles. A bolt of lighting shoots out his hands and blows up a rock next to Donkey. DONKEY Ah! MERLIN Oops. Donkey and Puss shoot Shrek a pleading look. DONKEY Are you sure this is a good idea? SHREK Look, if Artie trusts him, that's good enough for me. Even if his robe doesn't quite cover his- MERLIN Alacraticious expeditious, a zoomy zoom zoom. Let's help our friends get back, um... soon! Magic rays shoot out of Merlin's fingers. Shrek, Puss, Donkey and Artie disappear in a puff of smoke. MERLIN Woah! It worked! CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 79. EXT. SOMEWHERE IN THE WOODS - CONTINUOUS They reappear and fall out of the sky and bounce through the canopy of a large apple tree. They ping-pong through the foliage and land in a heap at the base of the tree. DONKEY (moan and groan) Donkey adjusts himself, feeling hung over. DONKEY (CONT'D) (in Puss' body) Oh man, I haven't been on a trip like that since college. SHREK Donkey? DONKEY (in Puss' body) What? Is there something in my teeth? Donkey's eyes widen. He realizes his voice is coming out of Puss' body. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Huh? What the? (GASP) Oh no! Donkey (in Puss' body) grabs Puss' hat. He looks down at Puss' boots. His tail begins to twitch. DONKEY (in Puss' body) I've been abracadabra'd into a fancy feasting second rate sidekick. Puss (in Donkey's body) falls from a tree next to Donkey (in Puss' body). PUSS (in Donkey's body) At least you don't look like some kind of bloated roadside pi�ata. You really should think about going on a diet! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 80. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Yeah, and you should think about getting yourself a

pair of pants! I feel all exposed and nasty. Both Shrek and Artie stare at them. A strained smile pasted to their faces. They burst out laughing. Donkey joins Puss, both of them scowling. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Oh, so you two think this is funny? Puss is fuming. Shrek and Artie regain their composure. ARTIE (SNICKERS) I'm really sorry guys. SHREK Don't be! You got us back kid. Shrek motions to Far Far Away, just a few miles ahead of them. He turns back to Artie. Artie smiles. Donkey takes a few awkward steps in Puss' body. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. How in the Hans Christian Andersen am I supposed to parade around in these goofy boots? PUSS Be very careful with those - HEE HAW! Puss is shocked by this. He tries to recover. PUSS They were made in Madrid by the finest- HEE HAW! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 81. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Oh, you'll learn to control that. TIME CUT TO: EXT. ENTRANCE TO FAR FAR AWAY - AFTERNOON Shrek, Puss (in Donkey's body), and Artie rush past a welcome sign to the town that has been boarded over so it now reads "Go Go Away." Donkey (in Puss' body) struggles to walk. His tender new feet hurt in their tiny boots. DONKEY Seriously man, you need some comfort inserts or arch supports or something. (noticing Rodeo Drive) Woah! Inside the kingdom, Rodeo Drive is trashed. There is graffiti everywhere. Suddenly a carriage driven by Evil Witches comes zooming down Rodeo Drive. EVIL WITCHES Woohoo!! The carriage zips around a corner on two wheels. A drunken Evil Dwarf is almost hit by the carriage while crossing the street. Shrek is shocked by what he sees. A crash is heard off-screen. EVIL DWARF #1 Hey... watch it I'm walking here... and I'm gonna keep going... A large explosion is heard off-screen while Little Red Riding Hood pick pockets the Evil Dwarf. A carriage wheel on fire rolls by a marionette theatre with Pinocchio dancing in it. SHREK Pinocchio? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 82. PINOCCHIO Shrek! Shrek and the rest rush over as the curtain starts to go down on Pinocchio. He presses his puppet hands against the glass. SHREK Pinocchio!

PINOCCHIO Help me! SHREK What's happened? PINOCCHIO Charming and the Villains have taken over everything! They attacked us but Fiona and the Princesses got away. And now she's- - The time has run out. The cheesy music stops as the curtain goes down. SHREK She's what?! She's what!? Shrek looks at the marionette theatre and sees how much it costs per show. SHREK (turns to Puss in Donkey's BODY) Puss, loan me five bucks! DONKEY C'mon Puss, you heard the man, help a brother out. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Do you see any pockets on me? DONKEY (in Puss' body) Hold on a second. Donkey (in Puss' body) removes his boot, he turns it over and a bag of money falls onto the ground. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 83. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Aha! Donkey (in Puss' body) tosses the money to Shrek. PUSS (in Donkey's body) I had no idea ...really ...I swear. Shrek quickly dumps the change into the machine. The music starts and the curtain goes up again and Pinocchio dances. SHREK Quick, Pinocchio. Where is Fiona? PINOCCHIO Charming's got her locked away some place secret. You gotta find him! He's probably getting ready for the SHOWWWW--- The curtain goes down again. SHREK Wait, wait, wait! Pinocchio! What show? Pinocchio's hand comes out from under the curtain and points to a poster on the wall. Puss reads the poster out loud. PUSS (reading the poster) It's A Happily Ever After, After All! SHREK Shrek's final performance. The picture shows Charming, sword raised in the air, with his foot pinning Shrek, tongue sticking out of his mouth, to the ground. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Whoa, Shrek! You didn't tell us you were in a play. SHREK Well I guess I've been so busy I forgot to mention it! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 84. GUARD #1 (O.S.) It's the ogre! Get him! Shrek turns and sees a large group of Charming's royal knights, armed and ready. They drive them back into the alley. Puss (in Donkey's body) steps forward. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Don't worry, Jefe. I got this. He whips his head towards the oncoming guards. His eyes are large and

sweet. His lips pout. The guards are momentarily hypnotized by his cuteness, until they realize they're staring at a donkey. The guards recoil. GUARD #2 Ugh! Kill it! Puss (in Donkey's body) immediately retreats. Artie glances at the theater poster on the wall and steps forward, confronting the guards. ARTIE Look, don't you know who he thinks he is? How dare you? Shrek picks up on his plan. SHREK Donkey, we're dealing with amateurs. The guards are confused. Artie tears the poster off the wall. Shrek glances at Artie, who steps forward, yanking the poster off the wall. ARTIE He's a star people! Hello?! I'm so sorry about this Mr. Shrek. SHREK I'm gonna lose it! ARTIE I assume you have everything ready for tonight! You did get the list for the dressing room? Donkey marches in. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 85. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Yeah, the breakfast croissants stuffed with seared sashimi tuna. Oh, and please tell me you at least have the saffron corn with the jalapeno honey butter cause our client cannot get into his proper emotional state without his jalapeno honey butter. SHREK I just lost it! GUARD #1 Uh...Maybe they should talk to Nancy in Human Resources. Shrek pushes the guards aside and continues on towards the castle. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Oh, we'll have much to say to Nancy, I promise! The guards look at each other nervously. CUT TO: INT. COURTYARD STAGE - DAY A group of enchanted trees work on through their dance number. Two dwarfs on bungee chords helplessly swing back and forth in the rear of the stage. The camera lands on Prince Charming reading his lines next to a Shrek stand in. PRINCE CHARMING (reading his lines from a SCRIPT) With this sword, I do- No. He starts the line over. PRINCE CHARMING With this sword, I do smote thee! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 86. Without looking, Prince Charming stabs the stand in, who falls to the ground. PRINCE CHARMING (TO HIMSELF) ) Is that the right word? "Smote?" "Smooote." Is that even a word actually? Maybe I should just smite him. Unseen stage hands drag the stand-in away. PRINCE CHARMING Let's try this again. Now...

Stagehands shove another stand in onto the stage beside Prince Charming. PRINCE CHARMING (playing the scene out QUIETLY) Shrek attacks me, I pretend to be afraid. (he fake screams) Ooh!!! Prince Charming does a quick mime of being afraid and chuckles. PRINCE CHARMING I say... (he riffles through pages) "Finally the Kingdom will get the happily ever after they deserve, die Ogre", blah, blah, blah... Without looking he stabs stand in #2. He falls to the ground. Prince Charming is still frustrated. PRINCE CHARMING Oh! It just doesn't feel real enough yet! He throws the sword to the ground and turns toward the dancing villains who are staring at him. PRINCE CHARMING Who told you to stop dancing?! CYCLOPS Uh... Wink and turn, wink and turn. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 87. He throws the script on the ground and notices the stand-in. PRINCE CHARMING And what are you laying around for? Get up! Honestly. Prince Charming storms off. CUT TO: INT. CHARMING'S DRESSING ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER Prince Charming storms into his colossal gold leafed dressing room, its walls covered with posters of inspirational sayings and portraits of Prince Charming in different acting roles. Slamming the door, he plops down in his throne chair in front of a dressing table and large 3-way mirror. A statuette of his mother is on the vanity. He looks at it intently. PRINCE CHARMING Our happily ever after is nearly complete, mummy. And I assure you, the people of this kingdom will pay dearly for every second we've had to wait. Charming adjusts the mirror, revealing a reflection of Shrek standing in the doorway. Artie, Puss and Donkey stand along side him. Prince Charming quickly stands up and faces Shrek. SHREK Break a leg. Or, on second thought, let me break it for you. He walks across the room as Prince Charming backs against his dressing table. Prince Charming fumbles behind his back and pushes a button under the counter. PRINCE CHARMING Thank goodness you're here. I was beginning to think you might not make it back in... time. Shrek picks him up by the front of his shirt and scowls. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 88. SHREK Where's Fiona? PRINCE CHARMING Don't worry. She and the others are safe. For now. Shrek strengthens his grip.

Suddenly, a group of guards burst into the room and quickly surround Shrek, Artie, Puss and Donkey. ARTIE Ow. Prince Charming smiles. Shrek looks around and realizes he's beat. He drops Charming with a thud. Prince Charming brushes himself off as the guards surround Shrek. Prince Charming walks over to Artie. A smile grows across his face. PRINCE CHARMING Let me guess... Arthur? Artie looks indignant. He raises himself up. ARTIE It's Artie, actually. PRINCE CHARMING This boy is supposed to be the new King of Far Far Away? Laughing, Prince Charming draws his sword and holds it up to Artie's neck. PRINCE CHARMING How pathetic! Now, stand still so I won't make a mess. Shrek steps in. SHREK Charming, stop! I'm here now, you got what you wanted. This isn't about him. Artie is confused. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 89. ARTIE Then who's it about? I'm supposed to be King, right? Shrek hesitates and then gathers himself. SHREK You weren't really next in line for the throne, okay? I was. ARTIE But you said the King asked for me personally. SHREK Not exactly. ARTIE What's that supposed to mean? Shrek becomes defensive. SHREK Look, I said whatever I had to say, alright! I wasn't right for the job, I just needed some fool to replace me, and you fit the bill. So just go! Artie is stunned. ARTIE You were playing me the whole time. Shrek fights back tears as he punishes Artie more. SHREK You catch on real fast kid... Maybe you're not as big of a loser as I thought. Puss (in Donkey's body) is about to interject when Donkey (in Puss' body) covers his mouth and signals him to stay quiet. ARTIE You know, for a minute there, I actually thought you - PRINCE CHARMING What? That he cared about you? He's an ogre. What did you expect? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 90. Prince Charming signals the guards to release Artie. He stares at Shrek one last time and heads out. Shrek lowers his head in shame. PRINCE CHARMING You really do have a way with children, Shrek. Prince Charming smiles and the guards lead Shrek off.

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CHARMING'S DRESSING ROOM: Shrek is led by the guards down the hallway. EXT. CASTLE GATE: The scene cross-dissolves to Artie's back as he walks away from the castle. He gives one last look back, and angrily storms away. INT. DUNGEON: Shrek's ankles and wrists are shackled. Shrek pulls on his chains. He sadly looks out the cell window. INT. PRISON: The scene cross-disolves to another prison window. Fiona comes to the window of her prison cell. She stares sorrowfully at the castle in the distance. INT. FAR FAR AWAY PRISON CELL - DAY All of the Princesses, the Queen and Fiona are locked up in the same prison cell. Cinderella is frantically scrubbing a spot on the floor to a shine. Fiona looks out the cell window towards the castle in the distance. Behind her, Snow White paces around, complaining. SNOW WHITE Had we just stayed put like I suggested, we could be sipping tea out of little heart-shaped cups... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 91. CINDERELLA Yeah... yeah, heart shaped cups. SNOW WHITE Eating crumpets smothered with loganberries. CINDERELLA Yeah... loganberries. SNOW WHITE Shut up Cindy. CINDERELLA Yeah, shut up. Cinderella looks down at her reflection in the floor. CINDERELLA (REFLECTION) No! You shut up! CINDERELLA Just stay out of this! SNOW WHITE Who cares who's running the kingdom anyway? FIONA I care. Fiona steps forward and challenges them. QUEEN And you should all care too. Suddenly, the cell door flies open. Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) are tossed in as the door is slammed behind them. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Hey, hey, hey, hey. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Yeah, and I have your badge number, "TIN CAN-" Puss, in Donkey's body, hisses and arches his back like a cat. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 92. FIONA (O.S.) Donkey?! DONKEY (in Puss' body) Princess?! FIONA Puss?! PUSS (in Donkey's body) Lo siento, Princessa, but I am Puss, stuck here inside this hideous body.

DONKEY (in Puss' body) And I'm me! FIONA BUT YOU'RE- DONKEY (in Puss' body) I know, I know. Everything's a little fruity in the loops right now. But what happened is, we went to high school, the boat crashed, and we got "bippity-bopity-booped" by the "Magic Man." DORIS You poor sweet things. CINDERELLA I don't get it. SNOW WHITE The cat turned into a little horse that smells like feet. What's to get? SLEEPING BEAUTY (WAKING UP) Huh? Who dat? FIONA Where's Shrek? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 93. DONKEY Charming's got him, Princess. And he plans on killing Shrek tonight in front of the whole kingdom. Fiona's lets out a breath. FIONA Alright everyone, we need to find a way out, now. The Princesses nod in agreement. SNOW WHITE You're right. (to the other Princesses) Ladies, assume the position! Sleeping Beauty falls asleep standing up. Snow White quickly assumes her position by lying down and puckering her lips. Cinderella dusts off a spot, sits down and crosses her legs. FIONA What are you doing? SLEEPING BEAUTY Waiting to be rescued. FIONA You have got to be kidding me. SNOW WHITE Well, what do you expect us to do? We're just four... (NOTICES DORIS) I mean, three, super hot princesses, two circus freaks, a pregnant ogre and an old lady. The Queen smiles and then casually walks by the Princesses. QUEEN Hmmm. Excuse me. Old lady coming through. She walks right up to the brick wall, takes a deep breath and lets out a yell. QUEEN Hiiiyyyiiiaaaah! She head-butts a hole right through the brick wall. Fiona and the Princesses are impressed. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 94. PRINCESSES/PUSS/DONKEY Whoa. FIONA Mom!? QUEEN Well, you didn't actually think you got your fighting skills from your father, did you? Fiona beams at her mother and then turns to the Princesses. Snow White points to another wall behind them. SNOW WHITE Excuse me, I think there's still one more. The Queen turns and sees the another wall barring their way.

QUEEN Hmmmm. The Queen hurries to the other wall. QUEEN Hiiiiyah! It crumbles, revealing the outside. The princesses wince. Fiona approaches her mother. The Queen turns around, this time a little woozy, singing softly to herself. FIONA Why don't you just lie down? The Queen continues to sing to herself as she walks away. Fiona turns to the others. FIONA Okay girls, from here on out, we're gonna take care of business ourselves. Snow thinks for a moment and then glances at the other Princesses. They nod. Snow looks determined. She rips off a sleeve, revealing a Dopey tattoo. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 95. Sleeping Beauty tears the bottom of her dress. The Queen puts lipstick smudges under her eyes (a la a football player). Cinderella sharpens the heal of her glass slipper. Doris burns her bra. The Princesses place their hands over Fiona's. Puss and Donkey's hands come in last. CUT TO: EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS Captain Hook replaces his "hook" appendage with a "baton" and taps it on the score in front of him. ANNOUNCER Ladies and gentlemen. The Far Far Away Theatre at the Charming Pavilion is proud to present: "It's a Happily Ever After, After All." The camera pulls back from a playbill that reads: "It's a Happily Ever After, After All - Starring Prince Charming as himself." Two intimidating Evil Knights are handing out the playbills and are using spears to usher people into their seats. EVIL KNIGHT #1 Enjoy your evening of theatrical reverie, citizen! Oy! No food or beverages in the theatre! Hey! The orchestra begins to warm up. EXT. STAGE The camera follows Rumplestiltskin as he hurries from the stage to backstage. INT. BENEATH THE STAGE - NIGHT SHREK stands atop a wooden platform, like a beaten man. Cyclops is binding his arms and legs with heavy chains attached to the floor. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 96. He pulls the chains tight. SHREK Oww, easy. CYCLOPS Sorry. I guess I was just showing off for the little one. SHREK Huh? CYCLOPS It's "Bring your kids to work day." C'mere beautiful. Cyclops motions to the shadows. CYCLOPS' DAUGHTER walks out from the shadows. She looks like Cyclops with long hair and

skirt. Shrek recoils. SHREK Well... she's got your eye. Cyclops picks her up and embraces her. CYCLOPS Who woulda thought a monster like me deserves something as special as you? They touch foreheads affectionately. Shrek looks at the two of them and then gets a determined look on his face. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE GARDENS The camera booms down into some trees just outside of the castle. Fiona and the Princesses appear behind a log. Two Evil Trees guard the castle gate. Fiona uses a duck call to signal Snow White. She skips down the path toward a side entrance, where two Evil Trees are standing guard. Snow White stops in front of them, singing our version of: "Animal Friends/With A Smile." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 97. SNOW WHITE (O.S.) (SINGING) "Ahh ha ha ha ha haa." The birds answer her in song. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ahh ha ha ha haa." The birds answer again. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ha ha ha ha haaaa. Little birdies take wing, flitting down from the trees they appear, and to chirp in my ear." All the forest creatures flock to her. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "All because I sing. Ahh ha ha ha ha haaa." More forest creatures flock to Snow White. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ahh ha ha ha ha haaa." The Evil Trees stare in amazement. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa!" Suddenly Snow White's face changes. She transitions into Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song." SNOW WHITE Ahhaha!! Ahhaha!!! All the animals turn and attack the trees. Fiona and the Princesses charge forward. FIONA Move it! Go! Go! Go! CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 98. EXT. FAR FAR AWAY ZOO - CONTINUOUS Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) run through front gates of the Far Far Away Zoo. The Dronkeys are held captive in the zoo. Donkey (in Puss' body) busts open their cage. DONKEY (in Puss' body) My babies! The Dronkeys fly over to Puss (in Donkey's body) and hug him. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Help! Ow! DONKEY (in Puss' body) Hey! CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE GARDENS - CONTINUOUS

The Princesses run toward the castle. Doris punches through the lock to open the gates. As they enter the castle grounds, a group of guards runs towards them. Cinderella takes out a couple of them with her boomerang crystal slipper. Sleeping Beauty falls to the ground, asleep. The guards trip over her body. Doris runs up to the foot of a canopy and takes a knee. The Princesses use Doris as a step to leap onto the canopy and over the castle wall. CUT TO: EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) break Pinocchio out of his marionette theatre. CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 99. EXT. BAKERY - MOMENTS LATER Gingerbread Man is locked inside a bakery display case. Donkey and Puss arrive (in each other's bodies). Donkey (in Puss' body) awkwardly tries to cut the glass open with his claws. Puss (in Donkey's body) intervenes, quickly bashing a hoof through the glass. They pull Gingerbread Man out of the case. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS Fiona leads the Princesses and Queen, as they stealthily creep along the rooftop. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS Fiona peers around a corner and sees two guards blocking their path. She gets an idea. The Guards turn around to find a leg sticking out. They "ooh" and "aah" as they approach the leg. The camera pans up to reveal Doris. DORIS Hey. How's it going? She kicks the guards to the ground, and they take off running. CUT TO: EXT. FAR, FAR AWAY CASTLE- LATER Donkey, Puss, (still in each other's bodies) and the rescued Fairy Tale Creatures run toward the castle. Donkey and Puss peek out from behind a bush. PUSS (in Donkey's body) "O" to the "K." The coast has cleared. Donkey turns to address the Fairy Tale Creatures behind him. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 100. DONKEY (in Puss' body) All right people, let's do this thing! Go Team Dy-No-Mite!! PINOCCHIO I thought we agreed we would go by the name of "Team Super Cool." GINGERBREAD MAN As I recall it was "Team Awesome." WOLF I voted for "Team Alpha Wolf Squadron." DONKEY Alright! Alright! Alright! From henceforth we are to be known as "Team Alpha Super Awesome Cool Dynomite Wolf Squadron." The Three Pigs notice something. PIG #1 Ach to Lieber! There is some strange little girl over there staring at us! Donkey, in Puss' body, turns

to look. Artie is staring at the strange crew. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Artie! Artie turns and walks away. Puss, in Donkey's body, runs to stop him. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Wait, wait, wait, wait wait. Hey! Where is the fire, Senor? Artie pushes Puss (in Donkey's body) out of the way. ARTIE Oh please, don't act so innocent. You both knew what was going on the whole time and you kept it to yourself. Artie starts to storm away. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 101. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Artie, it's not like it seems. ARTIE It's not? I think it seems pretty clear. He was using me. That's all there is to it. Artie starts to walk off. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Using you? Man, you really don't get it! PUSS (in Donkey's body) Shrek only said those things to protect you! This stops Artie in his tracks. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Charming was going to kill you Artie. Shrek saved your life. Artie realizes the truth and is suddenly concerned for his friend. CUT TO: EXT. COURTYARD STAGE The lights dim. The curtain rises. INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS Rumplestiltskin orders for the spotlight. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Cue the spot! EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS A spotlight comes up on Rapunzel, singing in a tower while the Fairy-tale Villains play their roles below. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 102. RAPUNZEL (SINGING) "I wait alone up here. I'm trapped another day. Locked up here - please set me free. My new life I almost see, A castle, you and me. Yes, a castle you and me..." Audience members look at each other in confusion; is this crap for real? Raul, the make-up artist, cries in the audience. From the audience a knight holds up a candle. Up in the rafters, Rumplestiltskin cues the Cherubs. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Cherubs! The Cherubs (Evil Dwarves) are lowered onto the stage by a rope and pulley system. A spotlight appears on stage. From underneath the stage a clamshell rises and opens to reveal Prince Charming on horseback. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Tis I! Tis I! Upon my regal steed! Princess, my love, at last you shall be

freed!" The Cherubs drop rose petals onto Prince Charming and the clamshell. Prince Charming and his steed, Chauncey, jump out of the clamshell. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "I'm strong and brave, and dashing my way there! With speed! With might! With soft and bouncy hair!" Prince Charming begins to make his way over to the tower. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Through the blistering desert..." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 103. Prince Charming chops the head off of the flying griffin puppet. EVIL TREES (SINGING) "Hot!" Prince Charming dismounts, casually chops the head off of the sea serpent and crosses the sea. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Across the stormiest sea." EVIL DWARFS (SINGING) "Wet!" He makes his way to dry land. He weaves in and out of the Evil Trees, who are playing the part of a forest. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Facing creatures so vile!" FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS (SINGING) "Foul!" He casually cuts off the head of a wooden cut-out reindeer and shoves a villain in a bear costume out of the way. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "So you can gaze upon me!" Prince Charming has made his way up the stairs at the bottom of Rapunzel's tower. RAPUNZEL (SINGING) "I knew you'd come for me. And now we finally meet." PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "I knew you'd wait. And from my plate of love you'd eat." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 104. There is a loud flash and a loud growling is piped through the sound system and flares go off as a trap door opens in the stage floor. Prince Charming hams it up for the audience, putting his hand to his ear. INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS Rumplestiltskin cues Mabel. Mabel is growling through a megaphone backstage. MABEL Roar! Roar! Three Evil Witches turn a lever and an Evil Dwarf blows some steam with a billow. EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS A large, imposing shadow grows onstage. The silhouette fades, revealing a shackled Shrek on stage. He pulls at his chains as he notes the audience and views the spectacle before him. INT. AUDIENCE - CONTINUOUS A crowd of fans, with "SHREK" written on their stomachs, cheer. One of the fans is hit with an arrow. They promptly

sit down. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Who is this terrible ugly fiend who so rudely intervened?" Pirates and Evil Knights dance in from the wings. FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS (SINGING) "Will Charming fight? Or will he flee?" RAPUNZEL (SINGING) "Oh please, rescue me!" FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS (SINGING) "From this monstrosity!" Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 105. Prince Charming takes a dramatic pause and sings in an ultra- high voice of a castrato. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Fear thee not Honey Lamb! I will slice this thing up like a HAM!" SHREK Oh boy. Prince Charming relishes the moment, pulling out his sword and aiming it at Shrek's chest. Prince Charming's voice climbs even higher. PRINCE CHARMING You are about to enter a world of pain with which you are NOT- (SINGING) "FamiliaAAAAAAR!" He holds the last, highest note. Shrek winces. Goblets, eye glasses, a glass tiara and glass pearls all break in the audience. Prince Charming smiles. Shrek looks at him with contempt. SHREK Well it can't be anymore painful than the lousy performance you're giving. The audience laughs at Shrek's remark. Prince Charming is thrown by their reaction. From a trap door underneath the stage Rumplestiltskin tries to help Prince Charming out by feeding him his next line. RUMPLESTILTSKIN "Prepare foul beast." He clears his throat and tries to get back into character. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Prepare foul beast, your time is done." SHREK Oooh, if you don't mind could you kill me, and then sing? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 106. The audience laughs. Prince Charming gets in Shrek's face. PRINCE CHARMING Be quiet! SHREK Oh, come on, I'm just havin' fun with ya. That's actually a very nice leotard. PRINCE CHARMING Thank you. SHREK Do they come in men's sizes? The audience laughs again. HOOK He, he. Now that be funny. The crowd laughs again. Shrek smiles, enjoying how he's screwing up the show. Prince Charming is furious. PRINCE CHARMING ENOUGH! The crowd falls silent. Prince Charming turns back to Shrek.

PRINCE CHARMING Now you'll finally know what it's like to have everything you've worked for, everything that's precious to you taken away. Prince Charming raises his sword. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) Now you'll know how I felt. Suddenly a fireball hits the blade, melting it. PRINCE CHARMING Ahhhhh! Another huge fireball spreads across the sky as Dragon flies above the theater. The Dronkeys follow behind her. DRAGON Roar! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 107. The Three Pigs come running down the aisle. PIG #1 Sausage Roll!! The Three Pigs leap onto the stage, going into a drop and roll move to land in between Shrek and Prince Charming. They strike a fighting pose. Pinocchio comes flying in on his strings, landing with a flurry of kung-fu hands. The Wolf unzips the wolf costume, steps out and joins the others. WOLF Arg. Gingerbread Man pops up in the tower window, grabs Rapunzel's hair and swings down. Before he hits the ground, the end catches and he bounces like a bungee jumper. Her hair falls into a pile next to a very surprised Gingerbread Man. Rapunzel screams. Her mousy brown hair crammed under a hair net. She runs off crying. Prince Charming looks around, almost surrounded. Suddenly a shadow falls over the crowd and they gasp. Dragon and the Dronkeys fly in and land on the stage. Puss and Donkey leap off her back to the stage. DONKEY (in Puss's body) Pray for mercy from... PUSS (in Donkey's body) ...Puss! He claps his hooves on the stage. DONKEY (in Puss' body) And Donkey! He carves a letter "D" on Pinocchio's bottom. PINOCCHIO (re: his bottom) Hey. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 108. The Queen head-butts through one of the backdrops, with Sleeping Beauty and Doris. Snow White flies in behind them with the help of her woodland creatures ("Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" style). Cinderella runs on stage equipped with a mop as her weapon. Together, the Princesses strike fierce poses and stand next to Shrek. The audience applauds. Suddenly the front door of the "swamp house" set crashes to the floor, revealing Fiona. FIONA Hi honey! Sorry we're late. You okay? SHREK Much better, now that you're here. AUDIENCE Awwwwwww! The audience applauds. Shrek turns to Prince Charming raising his

shackled wrists. SHREK So Charming, you wanna let me out of these so we can settle this ogre to man? Prince Charming considers this for a second. PRINCE CHARMING Oooh, that sounds fun. But I have a better idea! Prince Charming strikes an imperious pose and claps his hands. Cyclops suddenly emerges from the trap door, knocking Puss and Donkey down. He approaches them menacingly. The witches fly in and threaten the princesses with their brooms. The Evil Queen rises up behind the Queen and puts a knife to her throat. The Evil Dwarves grab The Three Pigs. Gingerbread Man is suddenly surrounded by many Evil Knights. He poops out a gum- ball. Dragon starts to move forward only to find herself surrounded by crossbows. A bunch of pirates grab Fiona and tie her up. SHREK Fiona! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 109. FIONA No! Let go of me! Shrek struggles to free himself of the chains, but it's no use. Prince Charming's eyes narrow. PRINCE CHARMING You will not ruin things this time ogre. (TO VILLAINS) Kill it! Prince Charming signals to the villains to attack Shrek. As the villains advance towards Shrek, a spotlight shines in their eyes, stopping them in their tracks. ARTIE Everybody stop! PRINCE CHARMING (EXASPERATED) Oh, what is it now? SHREK Artie? Artie jumps from the spotlight. Artie lands clumsily on a hanging cloud. Artie leaps awkwardly from cloud to cloud. The audience stares in awe. After one last leap, he swings down on the Cherub's cable, sending the little person up in the air. Artie lands on the stage in between the Villains and Shrek. He stands facing the Villains. ARTIE Who really thinks we need to settle things this way? The Evil Knights think about it and raise their hands. The other Villains follow suit. ARTIE You're telling me you just want to be Villains your whole lives? This gives the Villains pause. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 110. CAPTAIN HOOK But we are Villains. It's the only thing we know. ARTIE Didn't you ever wish you could be something else? The Villains aren't convinced. EVIL TREE #2 Well, it's easy for you to say. You're not some evil enchanted tree. PRINCE CHARMING You morons! Don't listen to him!

ATTACK THEM- Another Evil Tree covers Prince Charming's mouth and then motions to Artie. EVIL TREE #1 What Steve's trying to say here is that it's hard to come by honest work when the whole world's against you. EVIL TREE #2 Right, thanks Ed. ARTIE Okay, fair enough. You're right. I'm not a talking tree. But, ya know, a good friend of mine once told me that just because people treat you like a villain, or an ogre... Artie shares a look with Shrek. ARTIE ... or just some loser... The Fairy-tale Villains listen intently. ARTIE (CONT'D) ...it doesn't mean you are one. The Evil Tree tightens his grip as Prince Charming struggles to break free. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 111. ARTIE (CONT'D) The thing that matters most is what you think of yourself. Artie commands the stage. ARTIE (CONT'D) If there's something you really want, or there's someone you really want to be, then the only person standing in your way ...is you. Artie points at Rumplestiltskin directly in front of him. Rumplestiltskin is alarmed. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Me? OTHER PIRATES Get `im lads! ARTIE No, no, no! What I mean is: each of you is standing in your own way! VILLAINS Oooooooh! The Headless Horseman breaks through the crowd. HEADLESS HORSEMAN I've always wanted to play the flute. The Fairy-tale Villains and Creatures look at each other. The Evil Queen steps up. EVIL QUEEN I`d like to open up a spa in France. The Villains nod in agreement. CAPTAIN HOOK I grow daffodils! Complete silence as everyone stares at Hook. CAPTAIN HOOK And they're beautiful! Captain Hook looks thoughtfully at his sword, then throws it down. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 112. The pirates throw theirs down, followed by the witches and Evil Knights. The evil knight holding Pinocchio is thinking about it when Pinocchio reaches over and takes the ax from him. The weapons pile up in the middle of the stage. Everyone else cheers and starts to mingle, introducing themselves and shaking hands. Gingerbread Man high fives with an Evil Knight. Fiona is untied. Mabel walks up to Doris and lightly punches her on the jaw. Doris returns the sign of affection by punching Mabel in the jaw, but a bit too hard, sending her falling to the ground.

Suddenly, Prince Charming kicks himself free of the Evil Tree and charges them. He grabs a sword from the discard pile and raises it up, his aim set at Artie. PRINCE CHARMING Aaaahhhh! Despite his fear, Artie faces Prince Charming bravely. As Prince Charming charges, Shrek finds the strength to break his chains. Just before Prince Charming strikes, a chain whips into frame, wrapping around the sword. Shrek pulls Prince Charming around in a circle, away from Artie. Furious, he charges Shrek and stabs him with the sword. Charming lets go and Shrek stumbles back with the weapon impaled in him, and falls to the floor, groaning. Prince Charming beams, and laughs. He turns to the audience. PRINCE CHARMING A new era finally begins! The audience cowers. Shrek looks up smiling and nods at Fiona and Artie. PRINCE CHARMING Now, all of you, bow before your king! Shrek casually rises up behind him and clears his throat. SHREK Ah-hem. Charming turns around. Shrek lifts his arm revealing that he was never really stabbed. SHREK (CONT'D) You need to work on your aim. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 113. Charming is stunned. PRINCE CHARMING This was supposed to be my happily ever after. Prince Charming is paralyzed. Shrek drops the sword and grabs him by the shirt-front, lifting him off of his feet. He winces, but is still defiant. SHREK Well I guess you need to keep looking... Shrek looks at Fiona and at his friends and smiles. SHREK ...cause I'm not giving up mine. Shrek sets Prince Charming down and signals DRAGON. She casually tips the tower over with her tail. A shadow falls over Prince Charming. He turns and sees the tower falling toward him, his body perfectly framed up in the princesses's window. PRINCE CHARMING Mommy? It crashes down and he's trapped inside. As the dust clears, the crown rolls across the stage. Artie stops it with his foot and slowly picks it up. SHREK It's yours if you want it, you know, but this time it's your choice. Artie considers it. He looks at Shrek, who is smiling proudly at him. Artie turns to the audience and holds out the crown to them. They cheer him. Artie places the crown on his head. The crowd goes nuts. In the audience, Raul sobs with joy. ALL Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 114. Everybody cheers as the Fairy-tale Creatures and Villains put Artie up

on their shoulders and carry him off. Donkey and Puss, still in each other's bodies, watch as Artie gets carried away. In a puff of smoke, Merlin suddenly appears. He looks around confused, clutching his show ticket. MERLIN Uh, excuse me, that's my seat. Suddenly he is thrown back against the front of the stage as Donkey and Puss confront him. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Okay, senor hocus-y pocus-y. The time has come to rectify some wrongs! DONKEY (in Puss' body) Although I have been enjoying these "cat baths." PUSS (in Donkey's body) Please say you didn't. MERLIN Uh... alright, alright...look.. Merlin rubs his hands together. MERLIN You're gonna feel a little pinch, and possibly some lower intestinal discomfort, but this should do the trick. Merlin rolls up his sleeves, and prepares to make with the magic. He lets loose with a bright burst of magic. It takes a moment for Donkey and Puss to recover. They eye each other cautiously. PUSS Are you..? Donkey lifts his hoof and inspects it carefully. DONKEY I'm me again! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 115. Puss checks out his own paws. PUSS And I am not you! Donkey and Puss give each other a big hug. DONKEY Alright! The two of them turn and walk away together. Merlin is behind them, smoking fingers and all. Suddenly his eyes grow wide. MERLIN Oops. Ah, never mind. We see that Donkey still has Puss' tail and Puss had Donkey's. Merlin slips away. Shrek and Fiona watch Artie in the distance. SHREK What'd I tell ya? I think the kid's going to be a great King. FIONA Well, for what it's worth, you would have too. Shrek smiles, and touches Fiona's belly. SHREK I have something much more important in mind. They kiss. The camera pulls back to see everyone celebrating around Shrek and Fiona as they kiss. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - MORNING A wide-shot of a sunny morning in the swamp. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 116. INT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Shrek grabs a "gourd" bottle and creates an ogre shake out of slug juice, eye balls and worms. He walk over to join Fiona by the fire. SHREK

Ah, finally. Shrek gives Fiona the "gourd" bottle and she places a nipple on it. Two ogre babies crawl up onto Fiona's lap. OGRE BABIES Da da. A third ogre baby appears at Shrek's feet. He bends down to pick him up. One big happy family of five. Shrek laughs and gives the babies and Fiona a hug. The front door opens up to reveal Puss and Donkey. DONKEY Hey! I smell Shrek Jr. The Dronkeys come swarming in behind Donkey. Dragon peers in through the door. Shrek with a safety pin in his mouth is doing his best at changing diapers. He twists the diaper around and the baby goes flying off screen and lands in a diaper that Fiona is holding. She smiles at Shrek. The swamp house is overrun with Dronkeys, ogre babies and dirty diapers. Puss sits next to an ogre baby that has a pacifier in his mouth. He takes the pacifier out of his mouth, shoves it in Puss' mouth and gives Puss a big hug. Another baby comes crawling into frame and starts to tug on Puss' tail. A tug of war ensues. The ogre babies are bathing in a pot of water (a la a beat from the Nightmare scene). One of the babies farts in the water as Shrek comes in and scoops them up. Shrek laughs. Donkey is playing "peek-a-boo" with his ears. A baby ogre laughs. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 117. DONKEY Peek-a-boo. Peek-a-boo. A baby ogre pulls ear wax from Shrek's ear. The baby uses the wax to draw squiggly lines on a piece of paper. QUEEN Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy boy. The Queen is bouncing a baby ogre on her lap. The baby pukes and the Queen smiles. There is a knock at the door. Donkey is laying on the floor holding a bottle with all four hooves, drinking the milk. Shrek grabs the bottle out of Donkey's mouth. DONKEY Hey. Shrek opens the front door to reveal the Dwarf. NANNY DWARF Where's the baby? Shrek puts a bottle into the Dwarf's mouth and slams the door. CUT TO: EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - DAY Fiona slides one of the babies down a "slip `n slide" made out of mud shot from geysers. Shrek slides down himself. The babies scramble out of the way as Shrek slides by, spraying mud everywhere. CUT TO: INT. SWAMP HOUSE - EVENING Shrek and Fiona are diapering two of the babies in perfect unison. They continue diapering, Fiona holds up the third baby and Shrek holds up an unhappy, diapered Puss. Shrek grabs a gourd bottle off of a shelf. He tosses it to Fiona. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 118. Fiona stands holding one baby over her

shoulder. She catches the gourd thrown to her, twirls it around (a la Tom Cruise in Cocktail), lifts up her leg where another baby is perched on her foot and puts the gourd in the baby's mouth. Shrek is burping a baby over his shoulder. The baby burps. Fiona has a baby over her shoulder and the baby burps. A Dronkey sitting on a chair does a flame-belch and an ogre baby crawling by farts which causes a flame thrower effect into the fireplace. Shrek and Fiona tuck all the babies into bed. SHREK Well, what shall we do now? CUT TO: INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Shrek and Fiona are sound asleep, snoring. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS A baby starts to cry. SHREK (SIGHS) I got it. The camera trucks out. THE END

you are a nightmare

[thanksjro]

More Than Meets the Eye #6- Rung Has a Friggin’ Day

It’s time for therapy.

Finally.

It turns out that Ratchet didn’t forget about Fortress Maximus’ acts of extreme violence in all the chaos that was last issue, and requested that Fort Max get set up with some mandatory counseling. Of course, because it’s been about a week in Fort Max-time since Garrus 9 went down, he’s not exactly thrilled to talk about what happened. And who can blame him? Garrus 9 sucked big time for everyone involved, even Overlord.

Fort Max claims to not remember what happened- he’s lying, and we’re treated to a flashback that sort of justifies his fib- and Rung suggests they get Chromedome involved, which seems perhaps a bit unethical? To just rip traumatic memories that may or may not be repressed out of a guy’s head? Like, I’m not super well-versed in psychiatry, but that seems a little off.

Rung, in an attempt to make Fort Max feel a little safer, tells him that Overlord- though he doesn’t say his name, because triggering Fort Max could literally get people killed- was neutralized about as efficiently as possible for their species.

I can’t believe Cybertron has a better veteran healthcare system than the United States.

Enough of Fortress Maximus’ impending implosion, it’s time for bar shenanigans!

Over at Swerve’s, Trailbreaker is proving to be completely incapable of keeping his drink in his glass, as Chromedome participates in a game where he has to guess who’s transforming into their alt-mode, based purely on the sound. He gets it in one, and everyone loses their shit. Chromedome, never one to hype himself, takes the opportunity to instead build Rewind up, because he just loves him that much.

Fortress Maximus gets brought up, and while Trailbreaker thinks the guy’s a little overrated, the others have heard about what happened on Delphi, and proceed to learn the wrong lesson from the whole thing. Tailgate enters the scene, after a rousing study session with everyone’s favorite giant neurotic.

Tailgate, you fool! It’ll be another 41 issues before Cyclonus is ready to even acknowledge his feelings!

It’s good to know that Tailgate doesn’t hold any grudges over the info dump Rewind gave him the other day. Also, that table looks like a nightmare to clean.

Ultra Magnus walks in, looking about as cheery as he possibly can considering who he is, promptly arrests Swerve for running the bar without taking bureaucracy into account, and whisks the little jabber jaw away in handcuffs, practically carrying him off by the scruff like a kitten.

Fort Max enters the room, having decided to grab a drink after the ordeal that is mandatory therapy.

Of course, it wouldn’t be a day on the Lost Light without something going just a little screwy.

This is a typical Wednesday for Pipes.

Fort Max proceeds to wreck several robots, seemingly at random, though he somehow manages to not actually kill any of them. Intentional or not? We still have several pages of this issue to get through, hold your horses! All will be revealed in time.

Which brings us to now. Fort Max has locked himself in Rung’s office, alongside Rung and the poor sap who was unlucky enough to have had an appointment when the big guy showed up. Rodimus and Drift are trying to figure out just what the hell to do with this current situation. Magnus enters, having just set Swerve up with his punishment, and berates Rodimus for letting Fort Max run around with a gun, as if 90% of the crew doesn’t also have massive weapons literally built into their bodies.

Blaster gets a video feed from one of the surveillance cameras going, and we get a good look at just how fucked this whole thing has become, because as it turns out, Rung’s appointment for this time slot was none other than Whirl, instigator extraordinaire, and being stabbed by some ship piping has done absolutely nothing to slow his suicidal roll.

That gun is positively ridiculous. Where were you even KEEPING that thing, Max?

It only takes a couple of face-mashings with the barrel of the BFG to get Whirl to back off, accomplishing what Rung simply cannot, because Whirl doesn’t play by the rules of anyone who values their life in any capacity. You’d think it’d take more than that to shut him up, but Whirl’s head is made of plot, so it’s a bit delicate.

Rung spots the camera, and decides to make himself useful by providing audio to this whole debacle, by way of his microphone thumb.

Now, a hostage situation just isn’t complete without some sort of demand in exchange for the safety of said hostages, and Fort Max has quite the doozy for Rodimus: he wants to go back to Cybertron, so he can confront Prowl on the slow response to the hell that was Garrus 9. Max was trapped there for over three years before the Wreckers came along, and it’s still pretty fresh for him because of the coma letting him skip a lot of time he could have spent healing.

Pro-tip: when handling a hostage situation, don’t get into a screaming match with the dude who’s about to shoot the only mental health specialist your race has ever managed to produce. Blaster gets it.

Rung is many things, but is no actor, as is made apparent by him holding his microphone thumb-bound hand in the most fucking conspicuous way possible. Fort Max notices- because how could he not?- and relieves Rung of this terrible burden.

Rung is really regretting not minoring in theatre right about now.

Hours later in the medibay, First Aid is proving to have gone mad with power, as he maintains some dangerously high snark levels while keeping the victims of Fort Max’s spree stable. Ratchet, whose hands are still Pharma-blue, is starting to piece together the reasoning behind who got shot.

That’s right, Fort Max was embarrassed that he showed up with the same color paint as all these guys, and tried to kill them to keep his fashion faux pas to a minimum.

Back in Rung’s office, Whirl’s dropped all pretense due to sheer boredom, and straight-up asks Fort Max to just get it over with and shoot them both. Having his thumb ripped off has made Rung a bit snippy, and he snaps at Whirl for the quip, before Max decides that he’s actually rather interested in just what Whirl’s appointment was going to cover. Rung tries to stymie this line of questioning, but he really ought to know not to get in the way of the plot progression at this point.

Whirl does decide to spill his beans, if only after Rung gets the obscenely large barrel of Max’s obscenely large gun pressed to one whole side of his face.

It turns out Whirl has depths to him, or at least he did, once upon a time. Before he got booted out of the Wreckers, before he was even in the Wreckers, he created as opposed to destroyed. More specifically, he was a watchmaker, good enough to find an audience in the time of Functionist Cybertron. Now, because he’s a helicopter, the guys up top weren’t too jazzed about Whirl not doing what he’d “been born to do,” on top of not giving them any of his sweet watch money, and decided to start fucking up his life to get him back in line. They started with tearing his shop to the ground.

But we’ll get to what the hell empurata is in a few issues.

Also, while Whirl’s been sharing his backstory, Rung managed to grab his model ship from off the floor.

I’m not sure how he managed to get ahold of his model without making a giant clumsy scene either, considering that’s his thumbless hand.

Rung, because he’s a clever man, is staring super hard at the camera and making kind of a weird face as he taps on the little windows of his model ship, signaling to Rodimus and crew to see what they can do with the windows outside of his office. He’s got three real big ones that let you see out- or in- the whole room. Rodimus makes a call, and we get a proper understanding of what Chromedome meant when he said Rewind was outside.

No kidding.

Rewind and Swerve are on rivet replacement duty, using rivet guns nearly as big as they are. Swerve’s passing the time idly chatting, because that’s his whole deal.

Knowing Swerve, that’s probably a joke, but given what we learn a few issues after this, on how exactly Cybertron handles those who don’t fall in line, I can’t help but wonder…

Okay, we know why Swerve’s out here, but what’s Rewind’s deal?

You remember those data discs Red Alert mentioned last issue, the ones Rewind was begging Chromedome to help him find? The ones he got from Swindle at the start of the series? Yeah, turns out those were chock-full of video footage of people dying.

Rodimus didn’t like the fact that Rewind had brought snuff films onto the Lost Light, and now here he is. We don’t get an explanation as to why he wanted the films in the first place, though he does integrate that it isn’t a pleasurable thing to watch. Rodimus calls, interrupting the conversation, and asks Rewind to take a walk.

Returning to the office, we find that Whirl’s really pouring it out now, giving us his whole life story.

Rung’s reaction here is equal parts sweet and sad. It’s like he’s never had a fucking friend in his entire life. Rung seems terribly lonely.

We also get the answer as to what exactly Whirl did to get kicked out of the Wreckers- he tried to mercy-kill Springer. After the events of Last Stand, Fort Max wasn’t the only one in a coma, and Whirl saw the writing on the wall in terms of Springer’s chances of recovery. He tried to put the guy out of his misery, but was caught and kicked to the curb before that could happen.

And that’s about where he stops. You know, if it weren’t for the whole “being held at gunpoint” thing, this would have been an amazing therapy session! Whirl really opened himself up today, I’m proud of him.

Fort Max realizes that the ship hasn’t turned around to head back to Cybertron, and that’s about the point where he decides it’s time to make good on his threat. Whirl volunteers as tribute, as Swerve and Rewind peek through the window, ready to enact the next phase of Rodimus’ plan.

Rung tries to deescalate, with Whirl reescalating in equal measures, because he is actively and violently suicidal at this point, bringing us to a standstill in negotiations as Ratchet finally gets ahold of Rodimus to tell him something very important.

Ratchet’s sussed out the central pin in this pegboard of PTSD, and it’s Overlord. Every guy Fort Max put in the ICU looked at least somewhat like that lippy bastard. Rung comes to a similar conclusion on his end, claiming that Fort Max is acting out because he went through hell at Overlord’s hand, and wants payback.

Outside the office, Rewind is lining up to shoot Fort Max with his rivet gun, though he has his reservations.

It’s a special kind of love that makes you want your husband to support you through sniping a guy five times bigger than you.

Rewind’s lining up the shot, when Fort Max moves behind a pillar. Time for Plan B.

Rodimus, you can’t just SAY that to him, he’s a married man.

Whirl’s egging Fort Max on, his eye flaring out in a way that one might consider to be crying, though if you asked him he’d absolutely deny it. Then Garrus 9 pays everyone a little visit, by way of Rewind’s camera projecting on the wall. This freezes Fort Max in his tracks, because of course it would. That shit’s terrifying. He breaks down, falling to the floor in a heap.

I suppose this is one way to handle a hostage situation. Rodimus, not wanting to take any chances, orders Swerve to take the shot anyway.

Safe to say, Swerve wasn’t top of his class at the military academy.

As Fort Max mourns the loss of Rung, Whirl yanks that pipe that’s been stabbed into his belly for the last several hours out, and returns the favor, getting Max right in the chest.

Shit.

All those fucking therapy appointments are going to have to be rescheduled. There are over 200 robots on this ship.

I sure hope Rung had a secretary to handle all that.

Later on, after the messy stuff’s been dealt with, Rodimus and Drift have a chat about Red Alert, and how he’s developing a potential to be a liability. As they talk, Red Alert is shown to be ripping the drill arm off that guy who got eaten by the quantum engine and using it to dig into the floor where he heard that super-slow voice. What does he find? I hope it’s treasure!

...That’s not treasure.

Hey, Rung?

Rung?

Buddy, I think someone might’ve been fibbing when they said that.

Nobody tell Fort Max about this.

[woollyslisterblog]

1834 June Friday 20

7

12 40/60

No kiss boiled water 1st time now for Miss Walker in one little portable Jones with spirit lamp – fine morning F74° at 7 1/4 – breakfast at 8 1/4 –

left Miss Walker at home and out at 9 – left François with the passport at the Prefecture de la police and drove to the Jardin des plantes – called at the Andoins – not at home – Cuvier not up – left my card and box of Jones’s promethean light with mille compliments to Mme Cuvier begging her acceptance of it – then to M. Desfontaines – died about 2 months after I saw him in July last – quite sensible to the last – quoted Virgil to M. Jussien fils 1/2 hour before his death – wished he could be insensible only 3 hours before his death – the gardener and his wife glad to see me he still kept his place and they lived in Desfontaines’ house now taken by M de Mirbel - M Brougeriart fils has suceeded M Desfontaines – sent to ask if he was at home – called for 5 minutes and made his acquaintance and left box of lights for his father with mille compliments and remercie nous for his letter to Comte Vargas de Bidémar at Copenhagen and little work box for Madame Andoin with compliments and regrets at not seeing her etc etc –

then came François and said I must go the prefecture – went – difficulty about Eugenie – must send 2 respectable householders to the commissary police of the quartier I was in to give her a certificate to enable her to get a passport granted by the French authorities as a French subject – home at 11 sent to Amyot the bookseller, and he helped me out – great pother – wrote to ‘His Excellency Earl Granville British Embassy’ to ask him to give me another passport got George Joseph Booth –

Isabella Norcliffe came and sat with us above an hour and drunk a tumbler and half of sheer vin de pen as strong as spanish wine – Lord Granville sent me back my own passport and one for George – out again at 2 – back to the prefecture to identify Miss Walker and Eugenie and George and got all the passports done – sent mine and George’s to the Swiss Charge d’affaires and Eugenie’s to the French foreign office

and went to the exposition for 3/4 hour and saw the other 3 salles – great machinery and all sorts of cloth etc etc.not so interesting as the salle we saw 1st – then to my little apartment rue St Vincent paid my rent 320/. up to 15 May 1835. and paid the porter her annual 20/. and paid the tare personnelle, this is the 1st time I have ever done it?

Then to Chevalier’s rue St Denis (good shop for furniture prints and the like) and got things for Lady Stuart – called at Perrelets to give him back his ticket for the exposition and some things at Mme Contauts, and home at 6 1/2 – found very civil note from Miss Berry enclosing her billet ‘par ordre du roi’ for one of the royal loges at the Comédie Française (Theatre Français Palace royal) no. 11 2nd galerie – box for 4 but only holding 3 comfortably – there at 8 1/2 – the first piece ‘l’hotel Garie’ just over – much interested in and on Jeunesse de Henri 4’ a quip upon his rovery and scrapes this and his wildness get him into – the people seemed to enjoy it – very well filled house considering the heat – Mme Mante did Clara (my lady) very well – Miss Walker tired asleep between the pieces lying along the bottom of the box – so did not stay till the end of ‘L’Ecole de maris’ but came away at 10 1/4 –

called and sat 1/2 with the Norcliffes to take leave – they are to go at 9 a.m. tomorrow – gave Isabella Norcliffe the nacre snuff box I bought for her but inadvertently left at the engraver’s (Marriset’s) 3 years ago – home at 11 – very fine very hot day - F74° at 12 1/2 tonight –

[the-prince-of-pigs]

Horror fans and Good Omens fans hear me out

Cigarette Burns AU (below the cut tl;dr long post)

Crowley is a rare antiques finder (human) tasked with finding an incredibly rare film, that of course being the infamous La Fin Absolue du Monde. Crowley needs the money to get his theatre up again and to pay off some rather nasty folk he invested with (namely Hastur and Ligor). He hears about the deal from an aged (also human) Gabriel, whose greed has driven him to be obsessed with the film, said to have only been shown once and ended up causing a riot. Crowley debates, because he has standards and Gabriel is a sleaze, but then Gabriel shows Crowley his prized possession, a set of unnervingly realistic angel wings said to be a prop from La Fin, and the being that went with them. And Crowley can’t help but gasp and feel rage, rage towards Gabriel, and a desperate need to help. Help the poor, shivering creature (man?) on the pedestal, shackled by the wrists and spared nothing but a wrap for clothing, a crude mockery of a robe. A being that seems to glow without a light source, whose pale blue eyes plead with Crowley, whose pale blond curls seem withered with mistreatment and abuse. Gabriel prattles on about how much the film means to him, how much he’ll pay Crowley, how proud he’d be to own the final piece of his collection. Crowley cuts him off. He’ll take the job, he says. He tells Gabriel that he wants double the pay. Gabriel agrees without hesitation, and the deal is sealed. Crowley goes on a quest for the rarest film ever created, with no other thought in his mind anymore but to use the opportunity to save the suffering being. He tracks a journalist to his reclusive home, a journalist who, since viewing the film, has found himself under a curse to destroy any mechanical device he touches. Crowley discovers a long list of everyone ever involved with the movie, all dead. Everyone seems terrified of this film, and nobody will talk to him about it or help him find it. Everyone who has ever searched for the film, they tell Crowley, has gone insane. From country to country he looks for clues, haunted by images of the pale man with beautiful eyes, and sometimes he swears he can hear the being screaming at him, screaming for help, pleading with Crowley to stop before he dies, crying out for the safety of humanity that follows the film staying forgotten. His cries only spur Crowley onward. He no longer cares what happens to him; he only wants to free the divine being from the cruel collector. He gets closer when he’s attacked by a group in France, who reveal themselves as fans of La Fin Absolue du Monde, who idolize the director and wish to create a film of their own. They show him printed shots of the movie, and Crowley suddenly understands the violence the film caused. An angel, held captive, mutilated and tortured on camera. Such a divine and pure being put through pain and torment and filmed raw and uncut, it would cause any mortal to go ravenous and scream for murder. Barely escaping with his life intact (the film fans attempted to murder him for their own snuff film, but somehow Crowley got away... could it have anything to do with the being—the angel—‘s image appearing to him the moment the blade swung at him? Was he being helped?), Crowley finally tracks the whereabouts of the film to its current owner, Anathema Device, the daughter of the long-dead director. She keeps the film from harming her with spells and hexes, and pleads with Crowley not to take the film. Not to show it. Never to watch it. She tells him, that once people start seeing the angel’s image and hearing his voice, their death draws near. That the producers were death, famine, pollution, and war. They caused what they created and allowed the mutilation of the innocent divine to happen on the mortal realm. No! Crowley argues. He’s not like the others! He doesn’t care about the film, doesn’t want to harness its power or whatever. He only wants to help the man, to free him! Anathema looks doubtful, but once she hears of Crowley’s escapades, and how the tortured creature seemed to be helping him instead of harming him... perhaps Crowley’s motivations are pure enough? Perhaps he’s truly not like the other seekers, greedy and hungry and corrupt and bloodthirsty. Perhaps if he took the film, he could truly end the curse attached to this film. Cautiously, she hands him the film reels, and asks him to promise that he’ll end the suffering. Crowley says he’s already promised that, to himself and to the pale creature. When Crowley returns to the collector, he tries to bargain with him. Let the creature go, and he’ll have his film. Gabriel laughs him off, and muscles him away. Betrays him, throws him out. Furious, Crowley tries his damnedest to break into the mansion, and after succeeding, realizes he’s too late. Gabriel has watched it, and is dead by his own hands, self mutilation leaving his blood and horror everywhere. As the film plays on, Crowley shuts his eyes and screams, screams to drown out the chorus of terrors booming through the speakers. Blindly, he gropes his way towards the trophy room, and finds the hands of the pale being, still bound in irons. He pleas for help, he begs for the angel to forgive him for even seeking the movie in the first place. He feels the trembling hands grip his own, hears a soft but weak voice hush him and tell him it’s all right now, that he’s done nothing wrong, that he knew Crowley wanted to help, and his righteousness won out over his greed. He softly tells Crowley that he’s forgiven. Crowley sobs, clings to him, while the gentle angel strokes his hair, until the awful sounds in the other room die away to nothing. It takes a while for Crowley to undo the shackles around the angel’s wrists and ankles, but he manages, refusing to return to the theater room for the proper keys. Once they’re off, Crowley throws his coat over the shivering being and tries to lead him away, but the angel refuses to leave without the film. As long as it’s in his hands, he tells a quavering Crowley, no human will ever be able to show or see it again. He collects the reels, and Crowley brings him back to his own place. Gently, he tends to the poor creature, bathing him and dressing him and tending to his wounds. His wings, which have long been cut off, are naught but scabbed stumps. Will they ever grow back, Crowley asks. The angel admits he doesn’t know, but it doesn’t matter now, since the film can now be destroyed. Crowley points out that he’ll be trapped in earth forever, to which the angel smiles thinly, replying that he’s been trapped here, and it isn’t so bad. If you are in the company of the right people. Crowley has no idea where to go from here, no idea what to do with his failing theatre, and feels such a devoted attachment to this lovely angel. But, he thinks, as the angel recovers and protects him, and his theatre mysteriously wins a grant big enough to stay open, and the angel smiles sweetly at him, and squeezes his hand while they sit together in the theatre and share popcorn over classics, and shyly gives Crowley his name as Aziraphale, and gently calms him after nightmares about La Fin Absolue du Monde, and presses soft kisses to his forehead while ethereal whispers praising Crowley’s deeds dance in his ears, that maybe things will be all right in the end.

[realitv]

EPISODE SIX REWRITES: DONAR THE GREAT.

NOTE: The N*zis will hereby be a local mob. It’s the fucking 20s. I don’t know why they did that. I don’t want to know why they did that. I’m not keeping that in and I’m not acknowledging that as anything more than a shitty, awful fucking choice that really had no business being in there. There’s a lot to unpack in that, and none of it is good. The odd subplot of Technical B.oy recruiting Columbia, Actual Propaganda Creature, was pretty clearly written with Media in mind. Columbia, personification of the USA, was historically a pretty strong propaganda tool and now currently survives via Columbia pictures. Media really did get Columbia, huh. Technical B.oy should have been recruiting Vulcan, Hadúr, Luchtaine et cetera for technology and weaponry purposes during the war. It literally felt like the writers wrote this with Media in mind, and then realised they’d overwritten them. 🤷 Obviously y'all don’t have to go along with this specifically but I say DEATH OF THE SHOW, DEATH OF THE AUTHOR BAY-BEE! 

  IT’S A SEEDY, SMOKEY THEATRE: a hallowed hall where patrons dress up, dress down in ERMINE AND PEARLS to forget their troubles for the night, to believe in something bigger and better than they are. Art deco gilt reads AMERICA: 1929; a world on edge, a tipping point. A bullshit, razzle dazzle show that’s rehearsed and played to death to an audience that adores CHEAP THRILLS. No soul; just some sort of temple to the GLORY DAYS that were long since dead and gone. Applause, please! They’ve been watching. Of course they’ve been watching. Centre stage in a plush booth that reeks of cigarette smoke; the static always comes with them. Radio white noise and the snippets of talk shows filtering through the big jazz band and it crackles within the ears of patrons. Reminds them, tells them: GO HOME. SIT DOWN. LISTEN. LISTEN TO ME. That little brown box with the glowing little dials; the voice America woke up to. They’ve been watching for a while now; a regular devotee from the big leagues come to bless them with their appearance, their presence; people are drawn to them like flies to honey and when they applaud, when they smile, the theatre does too; rows and rows of teeth on display and Wednesday has the nerve to appear with a drink in his hand. IT’S ON THE HOUSE.   “And if I said I don’t want it, honey?” ALL THE DRAMA OF A TALK SHOW HOST! Accented syllables and vowels drawling into the beginnings of a Transatlantic accent. The Mass Media is RADIANT; glowing; spotlights upon that bleached head of perfect curls and it lights up their face; the beginnings of wires and mainframes only just starting to grow through flesh and ink. I GIVE IT AS A GIFT TO YOU. “And I said I don’t want it. See now, I don’t much approve of you and your ilk taking up space in my domain like this.” Another drag from their cigarette. Smoke spiralling into Wednesday’s face and when they laugh, the room fills with the grainy sounds of a radio jingle. “Using my voice like that! Naughty, naughty. IT IS NOT MEANT FOR YOU.” The smile fades, melts from their expression and it leaves them frigid, leaves them cold and sure. Wednesday’s one good eye burns. “I AM THE MESSAGE. The message is the future. I am not for you.” NOW, NOW, MY DEAR. YOU FORGET, WE DID NOT NEED YOU BEFORE. WE DO NOT NEED YOU NOW. THE PEOPLE WILL FORGET. THE PEOPLE WILL MOVE ON, AND YOU WILL BE OBSOLETE. Forgotten. THERE’S NO NEED TO GET ANGRY. “I was there when they wrote your stories into the Edda, when they carved your image into stone. I was there for a great many things, Al. And now, you are on my stage, using my voice. Maybe I’ll stretch my legs, and go see The Law. Tip him off, since this place just ain’t up to snuff. Or, I let you talk: I’ll take my payment later. Do we have a contract?” The white noise presses in; their eyes meet, a steady beat of silence before he nods. WE HAVE A COMPACT.

  CUT BACK TO PRESENT DAY BLACK BRIAR: The World and GENERAL ORGANA at the War Table, the right hand pushing pieces across the map. THE WAR HAS STARTED. World’s voice echoes; General Organa pausing in their ministrations to cast plasma gaze to them. “And no one has realised it. A train crash in Chicago.” A piece moves across the board. “An armed robbery in Rhode Island.” Another. “Poisoned lobster in Nashville.” Eyes meet. They mirror each other; glance for glance, smile for smile; Leia leans in close. “They have been quiet, despite all of this. Are they building THE DEATH STAR?” NO. THEY HAVE SCATTERED, AS I SAID THEY WOULD. ONE BY ONE, THEY WILL FALL. “Of course, Commander. I only wish to do my part to SERVE THE ALLIANCE.” Silence. AND YOU WILL. OF COURSE YOU WILL. YOU BOTH WILL.” Cut to General Organa, brows furrowed: The World beckons; like a shadow, they follow; a quick, purposeful stride, hands pressed to the small of their back to the sidelines. Social Media sifting through images: SWIPE RIGHT? SUPER LIKE? HEART REACT? COMMENT, TWEET, HASHTAG OVER IT! A soft ‘ahem’ from World and the noise dies; turning around to face Commander and General with wide eyes. YEAH? Nervousness, how unlike her. Leia’s gaze burns. BOTH OF YOU MUST MAKE READY FOR THE BROADCAST. “Affirmative. All preparations have been made: I am ready when you are.” I NEED MORE POWER. Two sets of eyes facing the other piece in the puzzle to find it lacking. OUR NEW FRIEND IS COMING. THEY HAVE ASSURED ME: YOU WILL BE READY. Their shadow covers her; drags away as World exits stage right. Two voices left alone; Leia stares, stares, stares. It’s empty, it’s cold; flat. Social Media holds it, twitches: it’s the same numinous dread The Boy had etched into their features whenever the General came calling. “IT’S A WONDER YOU’RE STILL ALIVE. More power. This is child’s play, but then again, YOU’RE A LITTLE SHORT FOR A STORMTROOPER.”

  AMERICA: 1933. THE THEATRE IS CRACKING, YELLOWED: prohibition may have ended but Great Depression left everyone hungry. THEY ENTER IN SILK AND RUBIES: rosy cheeks and the smile of a Hollywood Starlet. Flushed, ALIVE! Hollow eyes stare at them with RAVENOUS hunger and when they laugh, the world tints with static; PRE-CODE MASTERPIECES and biting social commentary. Standing against the backdrop of an abandoned stage and despite themselves, their feet move; tap, slide, swivel; IS IT THE CHARLESTON? Some new crazy song and dance number? TUNE IN! WATCH THE LATE NIGHT PICTURE SHOW! Snapped out of it; a slow, slow clap echoing; spotlight dies and they stand stock still. I DID NOT THINK I’D SEE YOU BACK HERE, MY DEAR. “Mister Wednesday.” A curl of their lip, hopping down from the stage and it’s a quick one-two step. “I’ve come for my payment. We have a need. We’ve had our eye on Miss Columbia. You remember our terms: I LET YOU SPEAK. Now, I want my slice of the pie.   “Hasn’t it been ages since I saw you last, honey?” YOU. YOU AGAIN. Eyes flitting between Wednesday and The Mass Media; tightening the sash on their robe and drawing it to a close under prying eyes. “I thought you’d have been happier to see lil’ ol’ me again after all this time. I’m real sorry about how the Great War ended up, but you know how it is. Mister Money decided LIBERTY SELLS, and THAT’S A WRAP! Centuries of mythos overwritten by another Goddess. She’s doing fine, by the way. All of us are.” Silence. It falls thick and heavy and the world around them buzzes with white noise. “Cat got your tongue?” WE’RE DOING FINE. A pout. “Oh, now, see here, I just hate liars. Can’t stand ‘em! It’s why I got all these new ethics and standards in place. And you, honey, are violating those. Look at you, you look like someone who just crawled out of the DUST BOWL.” And she looks down. Looks at her faded, out of date clothes. The mouldering room around her. Media takes another drag from their cigarette; lounges in the settee that’s falling apart and grins. “You’re just surviving, sweetheart. The people will forget. Then you will die, and I’ll look back on the beautiful legacy we had together, all that teamwork through the centuries and say to myself: ‘If only Miss Columbia had listened to me!’ There’s something coming. We can all feel it. I want to give you your place back, I want to move forward with you. I’ll even put you in the pictures, then you’ll never die.” It’s served on a silver platter, tied with velvet ribbon: how can any God resist? WELL -- I -- Wednesday holds up a hand. SHE’LL THINK ABOUT IT, GIVE YOU AN ANSWER SOON. “Well, don’t keep me waiting, honey.” A languid sigh; standing in a smooth motion as they moved towards the door. “--I’ll be seeing you on the studio lot.” 

  EVEN DYING MALLS HAVE EYES: grainy CCTV footage near a repair chaos picks up a tremor, something not quite right: Wednesday’s spear, carved with runes; near repaired. A black and white eye presses forward, stares. The screen goes blank with a bzzt.  RED ALERT. The noise echoes; lights flashing; World and their right hand ROD SERLING come back by popular remand; finger hovering over red button and the World pushes down to bring an awful silence. WHAT WAS THAT? Social Media scampering in; out of breath. IT’S SO ANALOGUE. As was everything within the space. WE ARE AHEAD OF SCHEDULE. “--I was not aware that we were on one.” A sideways glance; World and Serling’s eyes meet; electricity flavours the air. THEY HAVE CARVED THE RUNES INTO THE SPEAR? “Yes. IT IS MAN’S PREROGATIVE TO CREATE THEIR OWN HELL: and we, I believe, HAVE JUST CROSSED INTO THE TWILIGHT ZONE.” 

[the-ash0]

surviving paradise chapter 27 hobby

As the night wears on, a lone female of the species has succumbed to sleep in the safety of her natural burrow. Little does she realise the walls of her own creation will offer no protection tonight, for the predator on the prowl has already found its way within these corridors. A little drama is about to take place. A young life about to be snuffed out.

Sleek and black as the night, the predator stalks her, moving from shadow to shadow. He moves so fluidly he does not even trigger Capsule Corp’s movement-sensitive lights, and the hallways remain dark and deceptively peaceful. Ki sparks suddenly and grows quickly into a ball, small yet deadly in its potency, as she only just stirs from her slumber. She never had a chance.

“Bang, you’re dead!” The ki cracks inches from her face. Her eyes flutter once, then open wide as she realises her impending doom. A loud screech, the ki-light snuffs out, replaced by the flickering of ceiling lights, and finally dead silence. She stares up at me with unseeing eyes from her spot against the wall where she had dozed off. Unmoving.

I hold it together for a full five seconds before I burst into laughter.

The sound finally pulls her from her stupor. “Jesus-fucking-christ Vegeta!” she manages, after a few panicked gulps of air.

I think she stopped breathing there for a while. Hilarious. Not to mention the smell of fear on her is more than satisfactory. So she does still scare, at least when I catch her off guard.

She slowly pulls herself to her feet, visibly shaken, and her glare sets me into a fit of laughter that physically hurts. Cutting off with a wheeze, I restrain myself from holding my ribs. “Oh, the expression on your face right now, it’s simply priceless!”

Bulma swallows, bends over once more with her hands on her knees, then straightens herself with effort. “I’m so happy you’ve found yourself a hobby, Vegeta. Of course it would have to involve scaring people to death. Feeling better now?”

Yes, actually. I do. Feels great. Anyway, she deserves it; she’s the one that started with the stalking. I caught her staking out my room; and even with her asleep sneaking by would have done little good; she’d have heard me close the door. Just yesterday, when I did and she woke to realise her mistake, she talked to my closed door for over an hour and kept me up, because I wouldn't let her in. My current mood soured, I harrump, and move for my escape.

She cuts me off. “Oh right. Now I remember what I was here for. Hey, want to hang out tonight, catch a movie?”

I blink at her. “It’s three a.m.?” I trained too late, got too little done. I set goals, but fell short and quit only when it became obvious I was too exhausted to do more. It took all of my energy just to take a shower, and all I want now is sleep. I’m too tired to even eat, let alone watch some silly make-believe film.

This is where she does the thing I really hate: she smiles. Not just any smile, but the fake one. Friendly, polite, helpful. I hate that smile. I also hate it that she knows just when to pounce, when I’m too tired to fight her manipulations. “I’d have hoped to start one a few hours ago for sure. But it’s okay. We have our own theatre down in the basement. I’ll let you pick a movie?”

She is so persistent. Guess I sort of asked for that, but... “If this is another attempt at relaxing me, just forget it.” Yes. I regret asking for help, but I can still rectify that mistake. Tell her no to her face. It’s too stupid an idea to work, besides her presence will only be detrimental in the end. I know. I can tell. “Just go hang with your loser friends instead. I’m not interested.”

I push her out of the way, make it to my door. But the word no is apparently not in her vocabulary. She squeezes herself between me and the door once more before I can wrench it open. “Oh, come on Vegeta. They’re all out training. And I’ve waited on you so long everyone would be asleep by now anyway. You woke me up good, and besides,” she winks, “you want to be a Super Saiyan, right?”

I debate opening the door anyway, and just knocking it against her head. She’s asking for it with the way she jabs out her chin at me, arms behind her, thrusting out her chest. But the female breaks easily. I might kill her. Though it feels we might be heading that way regardless. How do I make her stop without killing her? “It’s late. I already showered. I just want to sleep.”

Yes, I was going to try her theory. But that was before... Before I realised. Can’t she see the warning signs? Perhaps she has no survival instincts at all, because none of those obvious markers of doom slow her down. Instead, she lets her eyes rove down my chest. It makes me glad I put on a shirt, but the self-conscious tingle in my spine already tells me it will do me little good. She’s found an offence, and my chances of getting any rest are lost. “Obviously. Did you even bother to change your bandages? And what? Is that blood? You’re bleeding through your shirt. Again. What you need is first-aid.”

I’m always bleeding. Which seems like a lousy argument, even to me. So I don't really fight her when she grabs my hand and pulls me away with a sigh, grumbling like I’m making her do this. “Come on, let me fix you up. Again. There goes my movie night.”

She steers us to a guest room next to mine, set up with medical supplies. There’s even one of those flat table-beds instead of the soft ones humans prefer to sleep in. I half sit, half lean on it as she retrieves the right supplies, then take off my shirt in resignation. I didn't really think on this room enough, I realise now. She must have set up this place for my benefit, because no one else ever uses it. It’s annoying, she’s taking too much interest in me. Making too much of it. Still she clicks her tongue at me, like she’s the one that’s bothered. “Did you just pull off the old bandages?”

Yeah? “You wanted me to shower with them? How am I supposed to dry off?” I think I better not mention I did just that last time and then I tried to dry off with my ki. The heat then caused the bandages to shrink, and, well, that was just a mess. Not sure how such weak creatures as you humans even survived with this sad attempt at medicine.

“Maybe warn me next time? I can get them off without pulling the crusts off.” She still makes that attempt at a stern voice, shakes her head. Who does she think she is anyway? Oh, yeah. Let’s ask you to fuss over me. Like you need excuses for that. Does she have some kind of nurse fetish? That would explain why she can't leave me alone anymore. Then again, she could just be that bored.

Training is apparently done far away from Capsule Corp. I’m not sure why, because the only useful place to do so should be the gravity room. Then again, perhaps the men of Earth know something I am only now becoming aware of. Something to do with this vixen, I imagine.

She starts swaddling my biceps in silence, but soon breaks it, any quiet obviously as alien to her as she to me. “Are you sure you’re training the right way?” I blink. It's like she read my mind, and she taps my busted ribs. “Strength training should be about micro tears. The ones that heal within days.” She taps a little to the side of my latest wound. “But this one is not yet healed, and now there’s a new bruise? You’re layering them, not giving your muscles time to heal. Are you sure this is how Saiyans get stronger?”

Uhm. I have no idea what this ‘micro’ stuff is. I know Zenkai: you nearly kill yourself, then get stronger. That is a little difficult to do with training, even with the added gravity. I think I’m doing a decent job... Okay, training is not a thing I have much practice in. It was just not done by Frieza’s men, and I used to just run the front lines until I needed to be dragged off for healing, counting on the Zenkai power boost unique to Saiyans. But I’m not about to tell this nosy minx any of that. “Mind your own business.”

She keeps talking, a string of words that I tune out as I wonder if she’s going to release me soon. Why am I allowing this? I must be even more tired than I thought, because I can feel my eyelids droop. Maybe the woman has a sort of zenkai too. The harder I push her away, the more determined she becomes. So maybe if I just stop pushing, she’ll get tired of it? I know I am. Perhaps I can just pass out here. That wouldn’t be so bad. Just when I think I might, her voice lulling me to sleep, her touch makes me jump.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

She snorts at me over my shoulder, her breath brushes the back of my neck. “Relax.”

For fuck’s sake. “Can you stop saying that word?”

She strokes her fingers over the sides of my neck again, all the way to my shoulders. “I’m just trying to smooth some of the tension out. What, am I hurting you?”

“Oh, please. Your weak little human fingers couldn’t possibly —ouch!” I regret running my mouth, twice over. Damn, why can’t she just leave me be? I guess when I stop pushing her back she’ll just overstep the next boundary. I take her hand away and twist to look over my shoulder at her. “Fucking cut it out.”

“What, the big bad Saiyan can’t handle a little massage?” She snorts again, that little twinkle back in her eye.

“We are done here.” Why can't she see I’m trying? Trying not to... Fuck, at this point I’m practically saving her life here.

“What? You say you want to become Super Saiyan, but when you have to try anything new you just balk. A massage is a basic part of any athlete’s schedule. It’s relaxing, helps muscles recover, and I might mention that Goku loves them.”

I move to stand and slam my hands on the table-bed, only just restraining myself from smashing it to pieces. “Don’t compare me to that third-rate—”

“Why not? He’s got what you want, right? It only makes sense to look for what you’re doing different. Or, what? You’re scared of little old me touching you?” She’s taunting, daring me. Seriously, if my hand slips at this point I think I can make a case for her having committed suicide.

Breathe. I pull my fingers out of the table, deep indents in the metal. I weigh my options. Kill her, and run before Kakarot comes to exact revenge? That would be cowardly. Leave, altogether, without killing her? Still cowardly. Explain to her…

How should I explain? Of course, I’m not scared of her. Well, not scared of her as a person; just this, this thing she keeps doing. This will end badly. It always ends badly. Someone will get hurt. Someone will end up dead. I go for the short version. “I am going to kill you.”

I cringe as she laughs, a tinkle of unworried silver. “How’s this then? I’m going to give you a proper massage, fifteen minutes tops. And if you don’t feel good after, you can kill me.”

I scoff at her. Seems she’s set on ending up dead either way. Well, I tried. At least I tried.

the rest is on https://archiveofourown.org/works/15338988/chapters/35590152 

or ff.net

[timehasbeenbusy]

Paris

Friday 20 June 1834

7

12 40/..

No kiss   Boiled water 1st time now for Miss Walker in our little portable Jones with spirit lamp – fine morning Fahrenheit 74º at 7¼ - breakfast at 8¼ - left Miss Walker at home and out at 9 – 

Left François with the passport at the Préfecture de la police and drove to the Jardin des Plantes – called at the Audoin’s – not at home – Cuviers not up – left my card and box of Jones’s promethean light with mille compléments to Madame Cuvier begging her acceptance of it –

Then to Monsier Desfontaines – died about 2 months after I saw him in July last – quite sensible to the last – quoted Virgil to Monsieur Jussieu fils ½ hour before his death – wished he could be insensible if only 3 hours, before his death –

The gardener and his wife glad to see me – he still kept his place and they lived in Desfontaines house now taken by Monsieur de Mirbel -  Monsieur Brongniart fils has succeeded Monsieur Desfontaines – sent to ask if he was at home – calledfor 5 minutes and made his aquaintance and left box of lights for his father with mille complements and remerciements for his letter to Comte Vargus de Bédémar at Copenhagen and little workbox for Madame Audouin with compliments to and regrets at not seeing her – 

Then came François and said I must go to the Préfecture – went – difficulty about Eugénie – must send two respectable householders to the commissary police of the quartier I was in to give her a certificate to enable her to get a passport granted by the French authority As a Fr[en]ch subj[ec]t – 

Home at 11 – sent to Amyot the book seller, and he helped me out – great pother – wrote to ‘His Excellency Earl Granville British Embassy to ask him to give me another passport for George Joseph Booth –

Isabella Norcliffe came and sat with us above an hour and drunk a tumbler and a half of sheer vin de penas strong Spanish wine -

Lord Granville sent me back my own passport and one for George – Out again at 2 – back to the Prefecture to identify Miss Walker and Eugénie and George and got all the passpor]s done – Sent mine and George’s to the Swiss Chargé d’affaires and Eugénie’s to the French Foreign Office -

Then went to the Exposition for ¾ hour and saw the other 3 salles – great machinery and all sorts of cloth etc etc not so interesting as the salle we saw 1st

Then to my little apartment rue St Victor paid the rent 320/- up to 15 May 1835 and paid the porter her annual 20/- and paid the taxe  personnelle the 1st time I have ever done it? -

Then to Chevalier’s rue St Denis (good shop for furniture prints and the like) and great things for Lady Stuart – called at Perrelet’s to give him back his ticket for the Exposition and saw things at Madame Contant’s, and home at 6½ -

Find very civil note from Miss Berry enclosing her billet ‘par ordre du roi’ for one of the royal loges at the Comedie Française (Theatre Francais Palace royal) nº 11 2nde Galerie – 

Theatre Francais Palace Royal   Source en.wikipedia.org

Box for 4 but only holding 3 comfortably – there at 8½ - the 1st piece l’hotel Garni’ just over – much interest[e]d in ‘La Jeunesse de Henri 4’ a quip upon his poverty and scrapes this and his wildness gets him into – the people seem to enjoy it – very well filled house considering the heat – Madame Mante did Clara (my lady), very well – Miss Walker tired asleep between the pieces lying along the bottom of the box – so did not stay till the end of‘L’Ecole des maris’ but came away at 10¼ - 

Called and sat ½ hour with the Norcliffes, to take leave –they are to go at 9 am tomorrow – gave Isabella Norcliffe the nacre snuff box I bought for her but inadvertedly left at the engraver’s (Maurisset’s) 3 years ago – 

Home at 11 – very fine very hot day Fahrenheit 74º at 12½ tonight –

SH:7/ML/E/17/0044  SH:7/ML/E/17/0045

[katiemcveighaub]

COCKNEY DIALECT AND SLANG

Fowler, J. (1984) Cockney Dialect and Slang. Ouachita Baptist University. 

Origins:

The word "Cockney" originally meant someone born and spending all his or her life in London, England, traditionally within the sound of Bow Bells; in other words, within about a quarter of a mile of the Church of St. Mary-le-Bow in Cheapside of east central London and not far from London Bridge. However, today this definition is not literally true because the district surrounding the church is not residential as it was before. Many Cockneys can now be found in scattered neighborhoods of London, therefore there is no longer a strict geographical boundary of Cockney residency.

the etymology of the term "cockney" is from Middle England "cokeney," which means "cock's egg" Originally it meant a small odd misshapen egg and was probably a synonym for 'anything odd. It became a term of reproach and ridicule, meaning an effeminate silly person, probably first used by villagers living near the capitol to describe the Londoners they met. Even Chaucer, in his prologue to the Reeve's.

"Cockney" is now used rather vaguely for speech of the London area, and is generally applied to lower class speech.

At the summit of older Cockney writers stands Charles Dickens , who enjoyed tramping miles through London to gather the language and the atmosphere. Because of the many years spent reporting in the House of Commons and his untiring efforts to listen to and question people first hand, Dickens' command of the Cockney idiom was certain.

The characteristic vocabulary of the Cockney is said to be slang, which consists of words used in a joking, rather flippant way.

Oxford English Dictionary defines slang as "language of a highly colloquial type, considered as below the level of standard educated speech, and consisting either of new words or of current words employed *in some special sense"

The origins of the word slang come from the Anglo-Saxon verb "slingan" meaning "to creep, wind, or twist" with a past tense "slang". 

People do not have to know etymologies to be able to speak a language fluently.

A dialect continues to live so long as the community speaking it possesses a cohesiveness and a sense of tradition. These qualities Cockney does have, and thus it appears that , although like all British city dialects Cockney will be further modified by Standard English ,varieties of Cockney are here to stay.

Grammar:

The Cockney is often accused of having no grammar. What is meant is that the speaker's grammar disobeys the rules of Standard English, because every language and every dialect must have its grammar in order to link words and ideas.

Word order is vital to Cockney grammar. Indeed word order is more important in English as a whole than it is in tone languages such as Chinese or German which depend a great deal on inflections.

Often, words are omitted; for example , "Out (Put out) that light!"

there is a crude side to cockney- using swear words like "bleedin", "blinkin” and "flamin”

Bloody is used - a shortened version of  the old Christian oath , "By our lady:"

Rhyming

The most proficient and witty of Cockney grammatical devices is that of rhyming slang , to which much of this study has been devoted.

EXAMPLE of rhyming slang: 'ullo Fred. Come in awf of de frog ~11 toad (road) an' 'ave a cuppa Rosie (cup of tea). It's on de Cain an' Abel (table). But wipe yer plntes 0 1 meat (feet) ' cos de ol ' trouble an' strife(wife) ' s just scrubbed de Rosy O' More (floor). She's up de apples an ' pears (upstairs) 'avin ' a bo-peep (sleep). Get into thatlion's lair (chair) and let's chew the fat (have a chat).

This elaborate system of oblique references by means of rhymes seems to have started in the period 1800-1850 and was becoming strongly established by 1851

Experts as well as the general public of London maintain ci1at rhyming slang arose from the secret language of thieves and was then studied by the police. Another suggested origin is that rhyming slang began from gangsof Cockney navvies who were employed to build railroads anti canals in the period from 1800 to 1850. Rhyming slang was allegedly used by them to confuse rival Irish construction gangs.

The best type of rhyming slang combines a rhyme with an appropriate or provocative social description.

Now cores a curious problem. Since "mince pies" are eyes, what are mince pies? If "pig's ear" is what a Cockney chooses to call beer,.what does he call a real pig's ear? The solution is that mince pies and, without a doubt, pig's ear have to be referred to so rarely that, while someone is feeling extraordinarily witty, he can safely be given his usual name.

When two Cockneys are conversing, using an entire rhyme is amatter of offense, and the Cockney listener considers the use of full forms as a means of talking down to him. Full rhyming slang, however, seems to be preferred when the speaker wants to stress what is being said. Shortened rhyming slang is no new development.

Place-names have also performed a new linguistic task in rhyming slang and have produced such examples as "Botany Bay"--hit the hay.

Companies and department stores incorporated into rhyming slang include "Army and Navy"--gravy, "Harvey Nickol"--pickle

Translations 

‘ave a beef - engage in an argument

‘in de snore’ - asleep

‘coffin nails’ - cigarettes

‘give ‘em de ol’ G’ - tell them a lie

‘go west / snuff it / kick the daisies’ - to die 

Rhymes

‘a Harry Randle’-  candle  (naming a 1900 music hall comedian)

‘Charles James Fox’ -  theatre box (British politician)

Artful dodger - lodger 

Trouble and strife - wife

Pipe your eye - cry

Days-a-dawning - morning

Gay and frisky - whiskey

elephant's trunk - drunk

dig in the grave - shave

porky pies- lies

ones and twos- shoes

twist and twirl - girl

apple and pairs- stairs

fiddle and flute- suit

bottle and glass- arse

ice cream freezer - geezer

https://scholarlycommons.obu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1192&context=honors_theses

[darkelfshadow]

Session Summary - 30

AKA “One Door Closes and Another Door Opens”

Adventures in Taggeriell

Session 30 (Date: 9th September 2017)

Players Present:

- Rob (Known as “Oloma”) Human Female.

- Bob (Known as “Sir Krondor”) Dwarf Male.

- Phil (Known as “Nac”) Half-elf Male.

- Paul (Known as “Labarett”) Elf Male.

- Arthur (Known as “Gim”) Dwarf Male.

- Travis (Known as “Trenchant”) Human Male.

- Sean (Known as “Seanicus”) Elf Male.

Absent Players

Nil

NPC

- (Known as “Naillae”) Elf Female. <Controlled by DM>

Summary

- Moonday, 8th of Kuthona in the year 814 (Second Era). Winter.

- The party begin this session, in the early morning of a cold day, having just left the premises of Yonochen the Wizard to accept a quest.

- The party start to walk back to the Crouching Bear tavern to retrieve their war horses.  On the way a street urchin runs up to Naillae and the young boy hands a note to the Elf Rogue. Naillae informs the party it is a note from the Lington Thief’s Guild. She reads it out aloud:

“Naillae, last night guild agents patrolling the roof tops for Cultists observed something moving fast, leaving the vicinity of the Theatre District from your tavern, two Guild agents attempted to intercept the thing. Their bodies were found this morning, dead on a roof top. Their clothes had been torn, large red circular welts were all over their skin, which had turned a pale white colour along with their hair which is now grey. Take care Naillae The Robber. Something is tracking your party, something that was able to slay two skilled agents of the Guild, an Unseen Hand and a Manipulator.”

- Nac looks annoyed, “That’s the thing that tried to break into my room twice! It’s that bloody Korvin! If he wants a fight I say bring it on, I’m ready!”

- Trenchant sighs, “Another misunderstanding?”

- “No,” replies Nac, “Korvin was with our party, a Warlock, was friends with Valder. They both had these dam ancient books of shadows and were trying to unlock the power in them or something. One night, here in Lington at The Crouching Bear tavern, they unlocked the books and they both got possessed by something. Valder managed to break out of it, eventually, but Korvin turned into something. There was something moving under his skin, which had turned grey, and his hair was falling off. When we tried to stop him, long black tentacles sprung out from his body and attacked us. He was stronger too. Balasar hit him full on with his acid breath and it did little to him. He threw Balasar out the window of the tavern, knocked Naillae aside like she was made of paper, grabbed both the books and then left the tavern so fast he was a blur. His last words to us were, I must go to help my master but I will come back. And I will kill you all.”

- Trenchant asks, “So why target you in particular Nac? He’s tried twice now, and just you?”

- Nac, thinking, replies slowly, “I don’t know. Maybe because I’m one of the original guys in the party. Most of you are new, he wouldn’t know you.”

- “Or maybe you just pissed him off Nac, you seem to have that talent,” suggests Trenchant.

- Pressing on to the Crouching Bear tavern, after retrieving their war horses, the party ride over to the Palace were Sir Krondor and Trenchant walk into the Palace compound and over to the Royal Library. Simimar The Wizard and Chief Librarian takes the pair over to where Valder is studying the book “Dragons Of The Council”.

- When Sir Krondor attempts to get Valder to leave to join the party to help with the quest for Yonochen, Valder informs the pair that he has decided to give up the adventuring life as he no longer has the passion for it, having seen his friend Rathan leave to join the Harpers and his other friend Korvin being turned into a tentacle demon of some type.

- Sir Krondor and Trenchant try to convince Valder to change his mind but the Elf Wizard tells them he has taken up a position as Assistant Librarian and will stay with Simimar. The library here has more books than the Elf Wizard could ever read and the secured section has a treasure trove of arcane books and lore. Valder has found his dream position.

- Valder confirms that he will keep researching the book “Dragons Of The Council” and will send updates to the party regularly. Trenchant plays with the heart strings of Valder (successful Persuasion check) and Valder tells them that he will give them one of the two staves he has, as it will be of more help to the party then with him now. Trenchant and Sir Krondor decide to take the Glass Staff of Defense.

- Sir Krondor and Trenchant leave the Library and tell the party that Valder will no longer be adventuring with the party.

<One Door Closes: Retired Character. Valder, who had started as a Player Character by John, and then became a Non Player Character, when John left the game, is now retired completely to be a campaign NPC with a fitting end>

- The party are disappointed to hear the news but carry on. Oloma hands out a some of coins to each member of the party as the party share of selling some of the party treasure (77gp and 24 sp).

- Deciding to leave the town and head off, the party ride to the east main gate. On the way, they see a shop keeper from an upmarket tobacco and snuff shop being dragged away by the “Black Hand” Knights in a black wagon. A crying woman is spoken to by Sir Krondor, Vinesha, and she tells him that the man taken away was her husband, the owner of the shop. There have been a lot of arrests lately of people being accused of having ties to the Cult. The woman claims her husband is innocent.

- The party press on and leave the town, taking the main road for a short time and then leaving the road, to head due east as per Yonochen instructions. The party make good time, and move twice as fast as normal over the wilderness, thanks to the presence of Labarett (Aspect Of The Elk ability).

- They continue east, heading into the Changrove Forest, keeping the same rapid speed thanks to Labarett, which after an hour turns into a much thicker and darker forest. The trees are so thick that the sky can not be seen and the forest ground is only in dim sun light like on a very overcast day. The ground in the forest is thick with plants and the many old trees have large roots breaking the ground, forcing the party to dismount and lead their horses.

- After half an hour the party can just hear the sound of a river much further to the east, just as Yonochen advised, and press on. A moment later, the sounds of battle reach the party. They leave Naillae behind to look after the horses and the rest of the party press on cautiously. Sir Krondor takes a moment to listen carefully and then tells the party he can hear some type of loud chirping sound from the battle as well.

- The party move forward to see the battle with Sir Krondor, Gim and Labarett in the lead. They come across the battle happening before them. Two male hunters, one old and one young, are crouched on the forest floor with obvious bleeding wounds. Standing in front of them, is a strange figure, 5’ in height and with a masculine figure wearing a dark hooded cloak over armour of an unusual design. The hood is drawn up and the face and hair is not visible as the hood, a face mask and strange pair of metal goggles obscure it. In one hand he holds a shield with a symbol of a sword and moon and in the other hand he holds a beautiful looking golden warhammer that is engraved with symbols and runes.

- Off to the other side, about 60’ away, are are group of eight frog like men, standing about 4’ tall. The frog men are armed with daggers and bows. It is apparent that the strange hooded figure is protecting and defending the two hunters from the frog like men.

- Gim, Sir Krondor and Oloma recognise the frog creatures as Grungs (successful Intelligence History check), which are evil and nasty creatures. Oloma warns the party to avoid touching the creatures due to the poisonous oil that their skin excretes.

- Labarett recognises the symbol on the shield of the hooded figure (successful Intelligence Religion check), as that of the Goddess Eilistraee (Chaotic Good), of singing, dancing, sword play, hunting, moons, goodness and beauty. Labarett advises the party that the stranger is a follower of a good Goddess.

- Just then a deep male voice, calls out in Dwarvish, from the direction of the hooded figure, “Knight Of The Anvil! Rally to my aid and help me save these two humans!”

- Only Sir Krondor, Gim and Trenchant understand the Dwarvish tongue. Sir Krondor yells back in Dwarvish, “Yes I am Sir Krondor of Clan Dwgyth, Knight Of The Anvil, Royal Envoy Of Fanur, Friend Of The Crown Of Tyriba, Field Warden Of ….”

- But the loud Dwarvish voice coming from the hooded stranger interrupts, “Less talking Knight! More killing! What do they teach Knights these days? Back in my time an Anvil Knight would have already killed three of these villains before saying a word.”

- Now Sir Krondor looks closely at the hooded figure and the golden warhammer he holds. Sir Krondor’s eyes open wide as he recognises the weapon as the legendary sentient warhammer, “Nedumlin” The Drow Slayer (successful Intelligence History check). It was wielded by the first Knight and Lord Commander of the Knights Of The Anvil, Sir Krafulim Longshield. The Lord Commander started the Order and lead the Dwarves on a great war against the Drow, but the weapon was lost when the Lord Commander was killed deep below in the Underdark nearly 4000 years ago. Sir Krondor knows that the warhammer chooses the wielder and only someone who is worthy can possess it.

- The party move into battle. Gim, Sir Krondor and Labarett charge forward to engage the closest Grungs, whilst Trenchant, Oloma and Nac give ranged support with crossbow, psionics and spell.

- The hooded stranger yells to the injured hunters to stay put and keep under cover to avoid the fight, strangely the voice is no longer deep or in Dwarvish and sounds very different, more Elvish. The hooded figure calls forth a Darkness spell around the hunters to hide them and then moves forward towards the Grungs, firing spells as he does so.

- The combat is going well to begin with as the Grungs are quite weak. The only issue is their ability to jump long distances and their poison which Labarett manages to get on him. The Elf Barbarian is immediately sickened and unable to effectively fight (failed Constitution save).

- The arrival of six more Grungs that jump into the combat, larger and more muscular, from the rear catches the party unprepared and Nac finds himself surrounded. These Grungs are making a loud chirping sound, so loud and so high pitched that Nac has to force himself to move away and not succumb to the pain (successful Wisdom save).

- Regrouping to deal with the new threat, Gim and Sir Krondor move fast to take out the smaller Grungs as Labarett is still poisoned and finding it hard to protect himself. Nac uses his Boots Of Striding and Springing to leap into the air, through the thick trees, to join Oloma and Trenchant, who has hidden himself using his Cloak Of The Elven Kind. Nac casts Protection From Poison on himself. The Bard enchants a spell and spends forth a Stinking Cloud to appear and cover the entire group of the larger Grungs but the cloud of poison has no effect on the Grungs who are immune to poison.

- The larger Grung all jump forward, incredibly far, seemingly unconcerned about the trees. They land near the party and immediately start their loud, painful chirping again. Most of the party manage to withstand the sound but Gim finds the pain so unbearable that he is stunned and can not do anything (failed Wisdom save).

- The party find these larger Grung are no push over and can take and give a beating. The fighting becomes frantic now that these new foes are a challenge. Sir Krondor, seeing his Dwarf cousin in trouble, runs over to attack the Grung next to the stunned Gim and manages to get an excellent strike in (Critical Hit for Triple damage and pinned one of the Grungs to a tree). Nac uses his shield to bash and keep down one of the larger Grungs, allowing him to rain blows down upon it with his Talon Longsword.

- Trenchant casts a Fear spell at the Grungs and two of them succumb and turn and jump away (Failed Wisdom save). The remaining Grungs again jump towards the party and engage them, including the hooded stranger. The hooded stranger yells out in pain as the Grungs plunges a dagger into him (Critical Hit - Skewered for lingering damage).

- In return the hooded stranger points a hand the Grung yelling, “I curse you!” and a red glow, that only the hooded stranger can see, appears around the Grung. (Hexblade Curse).

- Gim manages to overcome the pain of the chirping (Successful Save) and joins the battle too. Nac swings his Talon Longsword into a Grung for a deadly hit (Critical Hit - Triple Damage). Unfortunately, when Trenchant moves forward to attack one of the Grung who Nac bashed to the ground, the Bard loses his grip on both his rapier and his Glass Staff and they both go flying into the thick forest under bush (Trenchant had advantage on the attack and rolled two “1”s - Fumble). Gim too, back from being stunned, swings his Royal Greataxe of Lington and cuts open the leg of one of the Grungs (Critical Hit - Double damage and permanent Leg Wound for reduced speed).

- Eventually the Grungs are killed one by one, until the last one, the one next to the hooded stranger drops dead as the stranger’s golden warhammer, now bathed in green flames, smashes into the creature. As the Grung drops to the leafy ground dead, the faint red glow around it leaps towards the stranger and heals the hooded figure (Hexblade Curse).

- With the battle now over the party decide to take a short rest.

- Oloma goes back to get Naillae and the horses. At the same time Nac searches the dead Grungs, as he still has the protection of his Spell against the poisonous oil on their bodies. During the search Nac also tries to gather some of the poison for use later on but only manages to ruin his own waterskin as he poisons it but is unable to gather enough for any use. The poison affecting Labarett fades after a minute.

- Sir Krondor is intrigued about how the hooded stranger come to have the warhammer Nedumlin The Drow Slayer. Sir Krondor spends a few minutes talking to the hooded stranger, his face still hidden behind a face mask and goggles, as the deep male voice speaks to him in Dwarvish. Sir Krondor is getting more confused from the answers until after a time Sir Krondor realizes that he has been talking to the warhammer Nedumlin, who is intelligent and can speak, when the stranger holding the warhammer finally tells him, “You are speaking to my warhammer. I speak little, I am not used to people. My name is Seanicus.”

- The hunters, whom Trenchant gives first aid to and bandages their wounds, tell the party they are from Lington but do not normally come into this part of the woods as it is too dangerous. They had been following a golden stag, a magnificent beast, whom they had been tracking for two hours to this spot. The hunters tell the party that if not for the golden stag they would not have been here and would never have run into the Grungs to be attacked.

- The party also speak to Seanicus. The stranger introduces himself as an Elf, a Warlock, a hermit and an explorer. The stranger does not remove his hood, face mask or goggles so they do not see his face. Seanicus tells the party he was wandering the forest and was heading south when he heard the sound of battle and the cries of help far behind him, so he turned around and headed back north until he found the two hunters being attacked by the Grungs. He tells you that if not for hearing the battle he would not be here and would never have meet the party.

- Seanicus agrees to join the party after Trenchant asks him to join and Nedumlin says to Seanicus in Dwarvish, “Yes, if this group has a Knight Of The Anvil, then join in their quest as it must be a noble one.”

<One Door Opens: This is the character for the new player joining the Group, Sean, that now makes seven players in the group>

- At the end of the rest the Hunters, now bandaged up, thank for the party and offer them a small coin pouch with 10 gold coins in it, for saving their lives. All the party turn the offer down and say that it was the right thing to do, except Nac who walks over and immediately grabs the bag of coins with a smile. The Hunters ask if someone could walk them back to the west for five minutes to make sure they don’t run into any more Grungs and Nac offers to do so. After ten minutes Nac returns to the party.

- Before Nac gets back, Sir Krondor exclaims to the party that his shield, has started to talk to him. No one else in the party can hear the voice and so just ignore the Dwarf Knight. No one notices Oloma, the telepath, is silently laughing.

- Once Nac gets back the party once again set off east towards the sound of the river. Sir Krondor tells the party that his shield wants him to lead the way on this quest so the Knight bravely goes forward.

- Nac turns to Oloma, “What’s up with that?”

- Oloma smiles, “Oh who knows with those whacky Dwarves.”

- After a short time the party come to a path in the forest made of flat black stone pavers. Nothing grows near the stones, so there is a 8 foot wide path. Up ahead the party can see the black path will branch off into three options where the path will continue east, north east or south east. At this junction the party can see 6 large black stone pillars that have engravings on them.

- The party pause and give Seanicus some time to perform a ritual of Detect Magic. The Warlock informs the party he can see the black stone pavers are slightly magical and are preventing any plant life from growing around them to keep the path clear.

- As the party discuss what to do, Trenchant impatient with the delay, walks over to the junction and the stone pillars. He looks closely at the nearest stone pillar that appears engraved with a pattern all over it and engraved with five symbols, from top to bottom, a frog like head, a wave, a crocodile like head, a cat like head, and a gorilla like head.

- Trenchant turns to the party and tells them it’s safe and to come see the engraved symbols but when he looks back the symbols are gone.

- Sir Krondor tells the party that his shield is now glowing and has told him it wants him to lead the way via the east path and to hold his shield up high, so the Dwarf Knight does so. No one else can see his shield glowing or hear any voice from it.

- Oloma is laughing and holding her hand over her mouth.

- Trenchant and Nac look over at her. Nac speaks, “This is your doing, is it?”

- Oloma just shrugs.

- The party follow the black stone path east, with Naillae leading all the horses at the rear of the party. For the next ten minutes the sound of running water gets louder until eventually the party arrive at a 80’ tall cliff face running north and south. The path goes to the cliff and then turns south to follow it. Coming from the top of the cliff is a wide waterfall, that comes out about 10 feet away from the cliff to land on the other side of the path, which goes behind the water fall. The water crashes into a large white mist, from which a wide and fast moving river continues away from the cliff in a south west direction.

- Sir Krondor, still holding his shield up and out, walking in the front of the party, proceeds along the path and behind the water fall.

- Again Sir Krondor hears his shield talking, “It’s really cold and dark in here. The water looks nice why don’t you go for a swim!”

- Sir Krondor turns back and sits down just to the side of the water fall, “That’s it, no more. Either I’m going mad or I have a cursed shield that is a trying to kill me!”

- Trenchant moves up to the Dwarf Knight and crouches down to look him in the eye and grabs his shoulders, “Sir Krondor, you’re not going mad and your shield isn’t cursed. Look over at Oloma, the only one in the party that has Telepathy.”

- Oloma is bending over, laughing so hard she can barely breath.

- Sir Krondor gets up, his face red with anger, “You young, insolent wiper snapper! I’m going to shove my war hammer so far up your ….”

- Trenchant grabs Sir Krondor, who has taken out his war hammer, and stops him from moving towards Oloma. The Bard quickly speaks, “Sir Krondor, I know you are angry, and justly so I might add but we are in the middle of an ancient ruin, facing dangers all around and we can’t afford to fight amongst ourselves right now!”

- Sir Krondor starts to slow down and lowers his silver war hammer, “Fine. She can wait.”

- The party continue and see that in the middle of the cliff wall, behind the water fall, is a small square alcove that has a small metal chest, about 10 inches wide, sitting in it. The party get Naillae to examine the chest but as she approaches she says, “If the chest is metal, why isn’t rusted by the water moisture here? You think it might be magical? I can’t detect magical traps.”

- The party decide to have Seanicus take the time to perform the ritual of Detect Magic and as he completes it, he detects that the chest is indeed magical and has some type of Summoning trigger tied to the water fall. With that Naillae says she can’t disarm a magic trap so there’s no point in her trying to examine it.

- Whilst the party decide what to do with the chest or even if it is safe to cross the water fall, Gim who is bored just walks across and passes by the chest, not giving into the temptation that the chest is giving everyone else, and moves to the south side of the path past the water fall and waits. Once the party see that it is safe to cross everyone else moves to the south side of the path and then Seanicus tries to lift up the chest with his spell Mage Hand but is not able to do so, as it appears that it is fixed to the stone alcove.

- Whilst the party decide what to do next, Oloma walks up to the chest and opens it and sees within a handful of about thirty small different coloured gems. Immediately the water fall behind her starts to move and form into 3 large figures, with arms the size of a person and a head made of water; Water Weirds. All three heads turn towards Oloma and lean forward to attack the Mystic.

- The first Water Weird hits the Mystic with a solid arm of water but immediately the Mystic teleports ten feet away towards the party (Psionic ability Defensive Step). Gim and Labarett move up next to Oloma and stand to face the coming Water Weirds that have moved along the water fall to the south side to be within reach of attacking.

- Sir Krondor jumps onto one of the horses, “I’ll check the cliff face for a any buttons or levers to stop the water fall. Help me Naillae!”

- The Dwarf Knight rides off following the cliff face whilst Naillae quickly ties the horses off and follows to help.

- Meanwhile the three Water Weirds are punching and grabbing the three front line defenders of Gim, Labarett and Oloma. Every time the watery arms grab onto Gim the Dwarf smashes them off and every time the watery arms grab Oloma she quickly teleports away ten feet; back and forth. During the battle, Oloma gets herself wrapped up in her own cloak (Fumble attack) and wraps the cloak and hood around her head, blinding herself, and has to spend some time to free herself.

- From the safety of the rear ranks, Seanicus is firing force beams of Agonizing Blast at the water and Nac is casting Destroy Water spells at it. In firing his spell however, Seanicus accidentally puts too much energy into it (Spell attack Fumble) and ends up trapping some force energy into his own hands. This random and unpredictable energy could destroy anything in his hands so the Warlock quickly puts away his shield and war hammer, as he does not know how long it will last for.

- Oloma has more bad luck during the battle (Fumble) and accidentally hits Gim with her soul blades injuring the Dwarf.

- Most of the physical attacks of Gim and Labarett are proving only somewhat effective, even with Labarett spending forth flames from his longsword. Oloma’s soul blades are effective at hurting the creatures. But most of the damage is coming from the spells of Seanicus and Nac who are blasting huge chunks off the three creatures and evaporating water. One by one the three Water Weirds are broken apart and destroyed.

- Sir Krondor and Naillae return and inform the party there was no buttons or levers to be found on the south cliff wall.

- Labarett speaks, “Well if I were going to have a button to stop the water fall I’d put it behind the chest.”

- Sir Krondor huffs, “Really, behind the chest, I think not.”

- Oloma walks over to the small chest and leans in to look behind it, “Yep there’s a button here. I’ll grab the gems first and then press the button.”

- The party all yell at her not to touch anything and instead arrange for Seanicus to check it first. During the time it takes for the Seanicus to perform the ritual of Detect Magic, Nac takes the time to perform the Prayer of Healing to heal some of the wounds from the last battle, in case more Water Weirds appear. Seanicus declares the button itself is not magical and neither are the gems. No one thinks to ask Naillae to check the button for traps.

- After Oloma grabs all the gems the party all move to the south of the water fall. Seanicus presses the small button behind the chest using Mage Hand and there is a loud noise of moving chains and grinding stone from above. Soon the water fall slows down and eventually stops except for a few drops of water.

- The party press on following the path to the south for fifteen minutes until it eventually comes to an intersection where there is a choice of heading west or east. The party decide to go west and proceed through the intersection to their right. As the party are half way through the intersection the bushes around erupt as four large black cats, with tentacles on the back, burst forth and leap towards the party; Displacer Beasts.

- Everyone except Oloma, Seanicus and Nac are surprised. Oloma has a moment of panic as she realises that her Cloak of Displacement, made from the hide of Displacer Beast, will not protect her against the beasts and then she remembers the Blink Dog boots she is wearing. Displacer Beasts hate Blink Dogs and will attack them on sight to the death. Just as Oloma begins to wonder whether the smell of her boots will attract the Displacer Beasts, her unspoken question is answered as all four beasts leap towards her, jaws snapping and tentacles lashing at her.

- The battle is a strange one sides affair as the beasts keep trying to attack Oloma, who keeps teleporting away (Psionic Defensive Step). Some of the slashing tentacles do manage to rip open wounds on the Mystic before she teleports however. The rest of the party are free to attack and engage the beasts that are hell bent on killing Oloma. The only time the beasts attack anyone else is when they get in between them and Oloma.

- During the fight Seanicus grabs hold of two tentacles from one of the beasts and keeps hold of it sending lightning energy down into the beast (Lightning Lure). Eventually, one of the tentacles explodes off as the trapped force energy in the Warlocks hands randomly erupt from his previous misfired spell.

- Oloma gets an excellent hit on one of the beasts (Critical Hit - Max damage) and so too does Gim who delivers a devastating series of blows (Critical Hit - Max Damage and another attack).

- The battle is over quickly, thanks to the beasts being focused on trying to hit the one person in the party that can evade thanks to her Psionics.

<And as the party stand in the middle of the ruins, deep in the Changrove Forest, trying to find the three black doors that leads to their goal, that is the end of the session.>

XP Allocation

Group - Combined (This is equally divided by the number of players who were involved)

Quests (Only quests that are completed or rendered undoable, during this session, are shown here)

- Enter The Trials Of The E????? I?????  = 800 XP

- Pass The Test Of Temptation = FAIL

Creatures Overcome

- Grungs = 400 XP

- Grung Elite = 2700 XP

- Water Weirds = 2100 XP

- Displacer Beasts = 2800 XP

Individual (This is only given to that person and is not divided amongst all players)

Special Bonus (Outstanding Role Playing)

Nil

XP Levels and Player Allocations

Player : Start +  Received = Total  (Notes)

Phil : 22687 + 1100 = 23787 (Level up to Level 7)

Rob : 27437 + 1100 = 28537

Arthur : 19389 + 1100 = 20489

Bob : 16649 + 1100 = 17749

Travis : 17203 + 1100 = 17313

Paul : 14060 + 1100 = 15160

Sean : 14000 + 1100 = 15100

NPC (Naillae) : ??? + (550) = ???

[kayawagner]

Review: Warhammer 40,000 Wrath & Glory – Part 2

In the previous part of the review we looked closely at the core mechanics and the game’s elaborate character creation. This time we start with a look at combat in W&G , which of course plays an important role in a 40k roleplaying game. The setting’s motto is “there’s only war” after all.

Surprisingly W&G is not a miniature-based game. With a roleplaying game based on a popular tabletop miniature wargame one might have expected a strong focus on tactical combat using miniatures. But Ulisses opted for a more freeform and cinematic approach. There’s a sidebar with some tips on how to use miniatures in combat but W&G uses “theatre of the mind” combat. The approach to initiative is almost “old-school” with player characters and NPCs acting in a back-and-forth manner. The default assumption is that the players act first (if they haven’t been ambushed). Players and the GM may also use “Seize the Initiative” to let two of their characters to act before the other side is allowed to make their move.

When it comes to threats Wrath & Glory puts enemies into four distinct groups: Adversaries (basically main antagonist for an adventure or campaign), Elites (combat-focused NPCs which act as lieutenants or bodyguards for Adversaries), Monstrous Creatures (basically monster which are immune to being pinned, staggered or suffering from fear), and Troops which are nameless enemies which are quickly disposed of. Groups of troops are called a mob, which basically act as one unit.

In W&G characters may take one move and one action per turn. A move means the character can move up to their Speed in meters this round. Run is a special action which allows the character to move a second time. Sprinting is another action which allows movement up to double the character’s speed, but they suffer a negative modifier to their Defense until their next turn. Tactical Advance is another special move which allows a character to move from cover to cover without losing their defence bonus, but it reduces the speed to one half. Aside from that there are rules for swimming, jumping, crawling and flying, so all cases should be covered.

Possible Combat Actions in W&G are Manifest Psychic Power, Melee Attack, Interaction Attack, Investigate, Ranged Attack, Stealth and Use Object. The attacks are pretty straightforward. You assemble a pool from the attack skill your using and the related attribute plus any modifiers for cover, talents and so on. The result is compared with the target’s defense. If you have more successes than needed you can shift 6s to Extra Damage. Some weapons also cause Extra Damage which you have to roll separately. The damage caused is then compared to the target’s Resilience. If the damage equals but not exceeds the target’s Resilience, it suffers d3 Shock. If the damage exceeds Resilience, the target suffers 1 Wound per damage point above Resilience. Shock damage is caused by the psychological stress of war and fatigue. A character with Shock reduced to 0 is exhausted. Wounds are actual damage. A character with Wounds reduced to 0 is unconscious or dead (lesser threats die, adversaries and player characters are usually only unconscious and might live to fight another day). Player characters and important NPCs may also try to soak damage. After a successful check, they may convert lethal damage into shock. Neat.

The Interaction Attack is a taunt, trick, an intimidation or a maneuver meant to distract the foe. It’s basically a placeholder action for all the cool stunts and weird ideas players and GMs come up with.

Aside from the actions listed below, the game offers an even longer list of combat options including Aim, All-Out-Attack, Called Shots, or the always popular multi-attack. Of course they also didn’t forget an extensive Critical Hit Chart, which is a must-have for every roleplaying game set into the Warhammer universe.  The critical hit rules also mention a Wrath Deck, which can be used as a replacement for the aforementioned chart.

This review would not be complete if I didn’t mention the large amount of various combat effects, complications, and memorable injures, the rulebook mentions. Overall the combat rules are IMHO a mixed bag. I like that the game offers quite a few interesting options for the tactical-minded gamer, but the combat rules also add a lot of fiddly bits to the elegant and simple core rules. The combat rules are also one section which could have benefitted from some more editing and a better organization. But if you don’t mind some tactical depth and a bit of added complexity during combat, you should be fine.

Wrath & Glory has rules both for vehicular and Voidship (space ship) combat which fit neatly into the existing rules for character-scale combat.

Chapter five is focused on adventuring and covers rules including but not limited to the passage of time, movement outside combat, enviromental hazards, warp travel, social interactions, and threatening tasks. Threatening Tasks is Wrath & Glory’s way of handling extended tasks. You may know something similar from D&D 4th Edition in which they called it a Skill Challenge. It’s basically a number of tests which are necessary to complete a problem which shouldn’t be solved with a single test alone – mostly for dramatic reasons. Threatening tasks usually take 3 to 5 rounds and there are 3 to 5 steps to fulfill. At the start of each turn a Wrath Card is drawn. If any character shares one or more of the keywords on the card, they may attempt to overcome this step. If the players are having bad luck, the GM may allow them to spend Glory to draw an additional card. Last but not least characters can attempt Desperate Acts to complete all remaining steps in a single round. In this case the DN for the remaining tests is modified by +2 for each step to fulfill.

On paper Threatening Tasks sound interesting as a game mechanic, but I fear luck (or the lack of it) is actually more important than skill in these situations. Threatening Tasks are also another use for the Wrath Cards and it seems a mandatory one. I wouldn’t mind if the cards were included in the core rules, or if it was clearly mentioned on the back cover of the book, that special card decks are needed. Unfortunately this is not the case. Luckily a GM can just ignore this step and allow the players to attempt to solve a step every round.

The sixth chapter is all about wargear. This chapter has descriptions and statistics for every weapon, armor, tool, or cybernetic implant you could need. There is even an extensive list of weapon upgrades. I should probably mention that Wrath & Glory doesn’t use money. Equipment is acquired by using one’s Influence and rarer and restricted equipment is harder to get. This makes a lot of sense to me. Warhammer 40K is about larger-than-life heroes and campaigns of epic proportions and not book keeping or paying taxes.

The vehicles listed in this chapter are all meant for battle. It would have been nice to get some examples for civilian vehicles in the 40K universe, but I guess they will add more vehicles and gear in future publications. Unfortunately the list of Voidships is pretty limited. The core rulebook contains the stats for an Imperial Frigate, an Eldar Frigate, and an Ork Rok. Last but not least the chapter contains a long list of trinket and charms in the form of three d66-based random tables. Examples are “the milky eye of an Astropath suspended in a vial of preservative fluid” or “an ornate silver snuffbox. The snuff within is fortified with trace amounts of xenos pollen”.

Chapter seven focuses on Psychic powers. Psychic powers in the 40k universe are basically magic just by another name. Just like in Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay 2nd Edition (and the upcoming 4th Edition) using magic or in this case psychic powers, opens the character’s mind to the warp. This also means that things can go very wrong if you roll a 1 on your Wrath dice if you attempt to manifest one of your powers. At this point another card deck gets mentioned: the Perils of the Warp deck. Alternatively you can roll on a table to determine what happens. Results go from flickering lights, a touch of hoarfrost to daemonic possession, blood rain, and psychic overload which may really ruin your psyker’s day.

The list of available psychic power is quite extensive and contains not only combat-oriented powers, but a lot of utilitarian ones as well. I included an example of one of the powers below.

The chapter concludes with a section of Corruption. What would a Warhammer game be without the taint of the warp, the corruption of one’s body and soul? Whenever a character is exposed a source of corruption (like depravity, extreme violence, psychic powers, or even just radiation) they have to make a Corruption check. If unsuccessful they get 1 Corruption Point. Each 5 points Corruption advances one level and the character has to make a Malignancy test. If this test is unsuccessful, the character shows mental or physical effects of their corruption. A character with more than 26 corruption becomes a chaos spawn and turns into a NPC under the GM’s control.

The Game Master chapter covers the basics of what a game master’s job is, but more importantly Wrath & Glory gives advice on how to bring the Dark Imperium to life. Even though you are free to set your campaigns anywhere within the Milky Way, W&G specifically is set into the Dark Imperium, which is the part of the Imperium of Man cut off from the light of the Emperor. This chapter explores the themes of the setting and gives tips on how include these into your campaign.

The “Campaigns and Frameworks” section provides GMs with examples for campaigns for the various Tiers of play from the Honour Imperialis campaign framework which focuses on a platoon of Astra Militarum soldiers, to the Our Vigil Begins framework which is about Deathwatch Kill-teams reminiscent of FFG’s Deathwatch RPG.

Overall the chapter provides GMs with information on how to design adventures, how to play NPCs, how to award Wrath during the game or how to balance encounters. The advice is usually pretty good but aside from the sections which focus on the peculiarities of the 40k setting, it’s not very useful to veteran GMs.

The Wrath & Glory core rulebook concludes with an extensive bestiary which contains a wide variety of threats for your players. Aside from the usual suspects like the various xenos, demons, and human threats, this chapter also gives details on a couple of alien beasts you might encounter on your travels.

The core rulebook also contains a two-paged character sheet and a one-paged index. Unfortunately neither the index nor the table of contents are hyperlinked.

So the big question remains. Is Wrath & Glory worth your time and money? Without hesitation I can say: yes, it is! Wrath & Glory may have some rough edges but it is an impressive labor of love nevertheless. The core rules are solid, simple, and easy to learn. The combat rules are a bit more complex, and at times I feel there are too many fiddly bits, but overall they should work just fine. What I love about W&G is the fact that it provides us – for the first time – with a single ruleset which can power campaigns of varying power levels. Even transferring characters between campaigns should be easily done. That’s quite an achievement if you consider that there’s quite a power gap between a Human hive ganger and a Primaris Space Marine. The organization of the book is a bit haphazard at times, but if you can overcome this minor issue, Wrath & Glory is a real gem. I can’t wait to actually play it.

Wrath & Glory is currently available digitally from RPGNow or the offical Ulisses ebook store (which is actually powered by OneBookShelf, so you can use your existing RPGNow or DTRPG account to login). The 458-paged PDF sets you back €25.81 or your local equivalent. There’s also a print edition available which you can get directly from Ulisses or your friendly neighborhood game store.

Related posts:

Review: Warhammer 40,000 Wrath & Glory – Part 1

Warhammer 40.000 Wrath & Glory Interview

Wrath & Glory: Blessings Unheralded now available

Review: Warhammer 40,000 Wrath & Glory – Part 2 published first on https://supergalaxyrom.tumblr.com

[whatdoesshedotothem]

Friday 20 June 1834

7

12 40

No kiss – boiled water 1st time now for Miss W- in our little portable Jones with spent lamp - fine morning F74° at 7 ¼ - breakfast at 8 ¼ - left Miss W- at home and out at 9 - Left François with the passport at the prefecture de la police and drove to the Jardin des plantes -  Called at the Audoins  - not at home - Cuviers not up - left my card and box of Jones’s promethean light - with mille compliments to Madame Cuvier begging her acceptance of it - then to M. Desfountaines - died about 2 months after I saw him in July last - quite sensible to the last - quoted Virgil to M. Jussien fils ½ hour before his death - wished he could be insensible if only 3 hours before his death - the gardener and his wife glad to see me - he still kept his place and they lived in Desfountaines’ house now taken by M. de Mirbel M. Brogniart has succeeded M. Desfountaine - sent to ask if he was at home - called for 5 minutes and made his acquaintance and left box of lights for his father with mille compliments and remercions for his letter to Comte Vargas de Bédémar at Copenhagen etc and little work box for Madame Audoin with compliments and regrets at not seeing her - then came François and I must go to the prefecture – went - difficulty about Eugenie – must send two respectable householders to the commissary police of the quartier I was in to give her a certificate to enable her to get a passport granted by the French authorities as a French subject - home at 11 sent to Amyot  the bookseller and he helped me out – great pother – wrote to ‘His Excellency Earl Granville British Embassy’ to ask him to give me another passport for George Joseph Booth. IN- came and sat with us above an hour and drunk a tumbler and half of sheer vin de penas sstrong Spanish wine.  Lord G - sent me back my own passport and one for George – out again at 2 - back to the prefecture to identify Miss W- and Eugenie and George and got all the passports done – sent mine and George’s to the Swiss Chargé d’affaires and Eugenie to the French foreign office and went to the exposition for ¾ hour and saw the others 3 salles - great machinery and all sorts of cloth etc etc

SH:7/ML/E/17/0045

  not so interesting as the salle we saw 1st - then to my little apartment at rue Saint V-  paid my rent 320/ up to 15 May 1835 and paid the porter her annual 20/ and paid the taxe personnelle the 1st  time I have ever done it?  then to Chevalier’s rue St. Denis (good shop for furniture prints and the like) and got things for Lady Stuart - called at Perrelet’s to give him back his ticket for the exposition and saw things at Madame Contants and home at 6 ½ - found very civil note from Miss Berry enclosing her billet ‘par ordre du roi’ for one of the royal loges at the Comédie Française (theatre Français Palace Royal) n°11 2nde gallérie - box for 4 but only holding 3 comfortably - there at 8 ½ - the 1st piece ‘l’hotel Garni’ just over - much interested in ‘La Jeunesse de Henri 4’  a quips upon his poverty and scrapes this and his wilderness gets him into - the peopled seemed to enjoy it - very well filled house considering the heat - Madame Mante did Clara (my lady)  very well -  Miss W- tired - asleep between the pieces lying along the bottom of the box - so did not stay till the end of the ‘L’Ecole des maris’  but came away at 10 1/4. Called and sat 1/2 with the Norcliffes to take leave – they are to go at 9am tomorrow - gave IN- the nacre snuff box I bought for her but inadvertently left at the engravers’ (Maurisset’s) 3 years ago -   home at 11 – very fine very got day – F74° at 12 ½ tonight