#Getting off at 2 PM is nice I suppose but I'm so TIRED after work.

[iero]

Those memes that are like 'Do NOT ask me to do anything after 8 PM because I will say no.'... Brother, bump that up to maybe 4 or 5 PM maybe and you would have me.

[finyx7733]

06/05/24

Affirmations: I am worthy of love I am capable of great things I am not a burden I am made of stardust and magick

So I woke up today with a lot of anxiety, I'm restless and I feel an overwhelming sense of dread, my limbs feel as if they are filled with sand, they are heavy and weighted down. All I want to do is cry or scream. Maybe break something, but I know that isn't going to help make me feel any better. I'm going to try and turn it around, and do things today that spark joy and make me feel productive. My therapist V gave me some journaling prompts to help me when I am feeling like this, one of them is called P.I.E.S. I think I will follow the prompt and see if it helps.

How do I feel physically today? Physically I feel drained, I didn't fall asleep until 2:30-3:00am and I woke up super early, so I am exhausted. My limbs feel as if they are weighted down and I am having trouble concentrating. My mind is racing and I can't seem to keep my thoughts straight. I know it's part of my mania but that doesn't make it any easier to overcome. I am hyper-fixating on the stupidest of things and I can't seem to focus on anything for a long period of time. It's just frustrating.

Am I intellectually stimulated? Today I am going to try and do some research on different things, I want to learn more about my BPD and Paganism. I think that will stimulate my brain and maybe help me focus some of this energy.

How do I feel emotionally today? Emotionally I am feeling good. My mood is really high and even though I feel anxious I'm in good spirits. I do feel a bit restless but I think I just need to do something physical, maybe go for a walk or clean something to get out this energy.

How do I feel spiritually today? I sat out in nature and just listened to some soft calming music, it made me feel at peace, though it is 105 degrees out today, and after a while, I got too hot to just sit out there so I came inside. I started watching videos about paganism last night, it was really interesting. I'm going to take notes and I will share what I learn.

Today is kind of a slow day, I have a therapy appointment at 1 pm which I'm a little anxious about, I don't know why V is really nice but I've only met with her one time and I'm afraid we are going to go into some heavy stuff and I don't know how it's going to affect me. I have been manic for two days now, I think I've had 7 hours of sleep in two days. Last night I didn't go to bed until 4 am and I was awake at 7:30 am because the dogs had to go out and they were barking. I'm not tired though nor am I grumpy so I will take the win. I'm hoping I will be able to sleep tonight but I suppose only time will tell.

Mimi had to go to work today, she is working at a Dude Ranch in the kitchen and she absolutely loves it. She says the staff are amazing and her boss is just lovely. I'm glad she found a place to work that brings her joy, she is such a kind and caring person she deserves some happiness in her life.

Before she got this job we would do the household chores together, we would pick one day out of the week and just get shit done, but now that she is working I don't think its fair for her to have to clean the house on her days off and since I'm not working I decided that I would surprise her and do all the chores myself. Trying to get them all done in one day alone was difficult, so I made a list of chores and broke them down. To keep myself from getting overwhelmed I picked one chore and assigned it to a day of the week. So while she is at work, I can do something productive and help out around the house.

Mind you there are some things I do daily, like the dishes, feeding the dogs, make my bed and declutter our living space. Here is what my chore list looks like in case anyone was wondering. Sunday: Bathroom. (toilet, sink, mirrors, floors, and trash) Monday: nothing. Tuesday: Laundry (wash and dry, put away) Wednesday: Bedroom (trash, vacuum, wipe down surfaces) Thursday: Closet (declutter, vacuum) Friday: nothing Saturday: nothing

I had my appointment with V and everything went really well. She listened to the goals that I've created to make sure they were reasonable goals and then she suggested I tried yoga. She said it is all about breathing and being intuned with your body. So I'm going to give it a try and see if it is something that piques my interest. I have several walking videos I have saved, so I am thinking maybe I'll do yoga 4 days out of the week and the walking videos the other 3 days out of the week. That way I move my body everyday, this will help me to lose weight. Mimi will be home soon and then we will probably start dinner, I'm not really sure what we are having tonight but whatever it is will be great. Mimi is a really good cook. I have some videos I want to watch so I think I'm going to go take the dogs out and do a little research. Ta for now.

[blahandwhatever]

...And it's winter.

Just yesterday, I was still dying from heat and humidity in here. Took my coconut oil out of the fridge, and it fully remelted.

Today it was time for a winter coat. I went for a walk in Buffalo Grove, already halfway bare and brown, and felt refreshed in a way that I didn't quite feel after any of my recent excursions. I guess there's a balance to be had with adequate rest and relaxation.

Before the fall fully set in for its measly couple of weeks, I once again went to the botanic garden on a free day. Then I made a failed attempt to attend a study at Mars Wrigley in Chicago - had never been there before, greatly underestimated the length of the trip due to trusting the very different time estimate an hour before I actually had to leave, got stuck in terrible miserable Chicago rush hour traffic (RIP people who do this every day), missed the study, desperately needed air for my tires and could only find shitty low-tech air pumps (which took an eternity to drive a few blocks to), and stopped by the Goose Island Overlook for a modest little slice of nature in the city (I'd heard of Goose Island years ago when I went for a haircut in Wicker Park - like, as a nice place worth visiting? and frankly I'd imagined something very different).

The next week, I set off on another long and treacherous highway journey to revisit this park in Worth and finally see it with the waterfalls flowing. Was it worth it? ...Sort of. I would not go out of my way again to drive there specifically, but it's worth visiting if you're in the area. I was also annoyed with myself for not having left earlier, for both traffic and enjoyment's sake - it was still decent enough when I got there, but I could've seen more sights on the drive back (mostly off-highway on my old route to Naperville), which wound up being mostly in the dark.

Another day I went to Schaumburg, and another day, just by the lake here.

Last Saturday, I was supposed to visit Graceland Cemetery in Chicago for the first time. It was a comfortable (I thought) but cloudy day - well-suited, I thought, for the destination. I got ready, got in my car, searched up the directions, and learned the place closed at 4 PM, right around when I'd be arriving. Hadn't bothered to check before, as I was under the impression that cemeteries were a 24/7 deal. So, I changed plans and went to Glenview instead and, unlike last year, was not disappointed by the views I found. I was, however, very chilly - I swear the feel of 50s-60s temperatures, and how to dress for them, is sooo all over the place depending on the wind and sun - which ultimately made me glad I hadn't gone on the longer walk I'd planned.

Sunday I went to Wilmette. Hadn't been back since my botched attempt a few summers ago. This one turned out much better: less traffic, fewer people, plenty of parking. I walked on a beach for the first time in forever, saw some gorgeous trees, and circled around the always-dazzling Baháʼí temple.

Monday I tried the cemetery again. It was the most challenging trip in that I had to get up and get ready early enough to leave around 1 PM so I could get there by 2 and have a couple of hours. I put in some work toward this end the night before with a nighttime shower and early bedtime at the expense of a full-length day and chores. The drive was as okay as I could expect, but at the end, there were complications. At first I just drove straight into the cemetery, and then I'm like, wait, is this allowed? I searched online and found that no parking was allowed inside the cemetery except under special circumstances. There was a little parking lot inside near the entrance, but I didn't want to risk it, so I went out into the streets and dealt with the nightmare of city parking, puzzling out confusing signs, briefly encountering dozens of false hopes, finally settling for a paid spot a bit of a way off, still not 100% sure it was legit despite all signs pointing to it being so just because it felt too good to be true in light of all the other fully packed (or disallowed) streets I'd been through. I double-checked carefully and used the last $5 in my bank account to pay the fee, and then I walked to the cemetery, and by this point I'd killed enough time that I worried I might not have enough, but thankfully there were fairly quick walking directions from the entrance to the Palmer monument, the main attraction I wanted to see, and I got plenty of time admiring that from every which angle, and a bit of time to walk around and look at other things too. Worth revisiting in other seasons (and, again, cloudy weather, which didn't happen this time) and with more time to roam.

Tuesday I thought I'd stop by Lake Zurich before going to Whole Foods, but it didn't really work out due to me leaving the house late and it being cloudy (which wasn't good in this case).

At this point, I'm taking it easy and staying close to home. None of these were really fall-specific destinations (though it's nice to have seen them that way at least once), they were just places I hadn't gotten around to visiting and felt the need to squeeze in while things were still nice. In the future, I'll probably spread them out more and keep most of my fall color quests closer to home.

Back when I had money, I was planning to take the Amtrak trip from Chicago to San Francisco this fall. And I was so sure I would finally revisit Ann Arbor this year!

But I can't say I'm feeling anything missing.

[dreamescapeswriting]

The Coordinates Of My Heart ~ JJK [Request]

WORD COUNT: 2.4K

GENRE: Angst, fluffy ending, established relationship

PAIRING: Jungkook x fem!reader

It was no secret that Jungkook had tattoos all over his body, everyone had seen them by now but not every single tattoo that covered him. There was one very secret tattoo that nobody except for you and Jungkook knew about...Well, you, Jungkook and his ex-girlfriend that was. It was only a small tattoo on his left peck but it was one of the biggest mistakes Jungkook had ever made in his life, the whole time he was getting his collection of tattoos he swore he would never have someone's name tattooed onto his body and yet there it sat. Black ink across his peck with her name in cursive writing with a small heart attached at the end, "SeoJun" The tattoo bothered you a lot but you would never let that show in front of Jungkook. You'd been dating for almost three years now so you never brought it up except for the first time he showed you. He wanted you to know that she meant nothing to him anymore but that it was there and something he had to deal with. 

It was still a crushing feeling to see another girls name tattooed on his body and him always saying that he would never do it again, never tattoo a name across him anywhere on his body. You knew he was thinking rationally but there was a part of you inside that cried out to know why he wouldn't put your name on himself instead but the other part of you thought rationally. He probably didn't want to chance it by getting your name tattooed anywhere on himself and having the relationship fall through. 

"Baby I'm so tired," Jungkook groaned that morning as he walked down the stairs to you in the living room he was shirtless and wearing a pair of shorts, you were trying to convince him to go swimming with you. It was his week off from the studio, he took it off to spend time with you but for the last six days he'd done nothing but lay in bed gaming or go out to dinner with his friends, or hang out with the boys. 

"I'm only asking for this one thing baby...Please! I don't want to go alone." You giggled to him as you tugged on his hands trying to convince him to go with you, he looked at you tiredly as he shook his head.

"I'm busy today," He mumbled as he took his arm out of your grasp, ignoring the look of confusion written across your face as he walked into the kitchen. Jungkook hadn't told you he'd made plans with anyone which was why you'd woken him up in the first place if you'd have known he was busy you would have left him. Following after him, you went into the kitchen and he began to make himself something to eat,

"Busy with what? We haven't hung out all week, you said you took the week off to spend time with me." You uttered you knew it probably sounded as though you were being childish but right now you didn't care, you'd missed your boyfriend and this week it felt like you saw him less than you did when he was actually working. 

"I actually said I took the week off to relax, so far I haven't done any of that." He grumbled as he began pouring himself a bowl of cereal, not meeting your eyes as he spoke. Rolling your eyes at him you shook your head, 

"You've relaxed plenty, all you've done is game and sleep...As well as go to lunch, or spent time with friends...W-What if we went for walk instead? Namjoon said he found this really cute hiking trail..." You trailed off when you realised Jungkook was more interested in the phone that was sitting in his hand than he was in listening to you talk to him. The thought of him ignoring you was heartbreaking enough, you began to overthink everything, maybe he was getting bored of being with you...

"But of course, I wouldn't want to take you away from what is really important." You grumbled to him referring to the phone before storming out of the kitchen and into the living room to grab your swimming bag to go alone since he wasn't that bothered about you anymore.

"Are you upset because I won't hang out with you?! We don't have to be around each other 24/7 Y/n." He followed you into the living room staring into your eyes as he waited for you to say something back to him. He didn't mean for it to come out as harsh as the way it was.

"No, but it would be nice if my own boyfriend wanted to do something with me. Watch a movie, go for a walk, order food. All you've been bothered about is gaming or hanging with the guys, we haven't done anything this week." He rolled his eyes at you before going back into the kitchen without another word in your direction. You knew it wasn't supposed to start a fight but there was a part inside of you that wanted answers from him. 

"Tell me I'm wrong then. Tell me one time this week you've even wanted or offered to hang out with me." You stated as you walked back into the kitchen, he put his bowl down into the sink shaking his head at you. 

"I've been busy. I'm doing stuff all week, I don't need you jumping down my neck-" He stopped talking when his phone began to ring on the table in front of him for a second you could have sworn a panicked look spread across his face. Out of habit your eyes glanced down to see who it was but as soon as you saw the name you wish you hadn't. SEOJUN. Was written across the screen in big bold writing with a broken heart beside her name just like the tattoo Jungkook had only the heart was broken. 

"W-Why is she calling you?" Instead of answering you Jungkook just turned the phone over so you couldn't see it and shook his head at the question. 

"Jungkook..." You whispered feeling insecure at the thought of him starting to see her again, it wasn't that you didn't trust him. It was Seojun that you didn't trust. She was manipulative and cunning. She always got whatever it was she wanted if she used the right way on Jungkook it was like she had a spell on him.

"Y/n it's not what it looks like, she's just started to say sorry to me that's all. She wants to make up for all the awful things that happened, she opened up her new shop so I've been going to help-" The look on your face made Jungkook stop talking instantly and he knew he fucked up, it was a look of sadness and anger as you realised he'd been spending all of his time with her. 

"S-So you've been spending time with her? On your week off..." He nodded his head slowly not wanting to lie to you about where he had been anymore, 

"Because I knew if I told you, you would be upset-" He tried to rationalise it but you cut him off,

"Of course I would! You've been spending all of your free time with your ex-girlfriend and lying to me about it!" You yelled out as you stared down at his phone, it was starting to ring again but you both ignored it this time letting it go to voicemail.

"I was just helping out with her shop, she's straightened herself out." You scoffed at the thought of it all and the phone began to ring again, it was clear she wasn't going to quit calling him until he finally answered her call. 

"So she's trying to get back with you?" You questioned as you stared at him folding your arms over your chest,

"No! She's trying to say sorry..." You rolled your eyes at the statement, at how naive he was being about all of it and began walking away from him not wanting to listen to this.

"Am I not allowed, friends?!" He snapped at you making you turn to face him you were angrier now at the fact that he was making it seem like you were forcing him not to talk to her, 

"You can be friends with whoever you want...B-But didn't you think about how this would make me feel? Seeing her again? When she's literally tattooed across your chest?!" He heard the crack in your voice as you stormed out of the door, leaving him alone in the world of his own thoughts. He knew how much the tattoo hurt you even if you refused to show him that sometimes, he groaned picking up his phone to her. 

"I'll be running late today, come by about 2 pm? The place will be empty and it'll be just me and you, like old times." He sighed as he heard her voice down the other side of the phone, 

"We should stop, she's suspicious..." He whispered to Seojun as he walked out of the kitchen and towards the front door, you were sitting in the car so he walked up the stairs to talk. 

You whimpered as you got into your car, starting up the engine and driving off towards the pool. You didn't even need to go, you just had to be out of the house for a while to let your brain cool down from what was happening, you were probably just overreacting to it all. 

When you came in after swimming the house was empty, all of the lights were off so you knew Jungkook must have been out or up in bed asleep but it was only 7 pm so that was unlikely true. You dropped your keys down in the small bowl by the front door and kicked off your shoes wanting nothing more than to snuggle up beside Jungkook and say sorry for that morning but he wasn't there so you went for the next best thing. Having a shower and curling up in one of his shirts while you waited for him to come home, you'd left him some texts but if he was still upset about this morning you doubted he would answer you. 

As you walked into the kitchen you saw a note on the door, 

Went out to think. Don't wait up. Love you. x x x JJK x x x You smiled halfheartedly as you read the note from him to you and screwed it up before putting it into the bin. All you had to do was remind yourself that Jungkook loved you, he would never do anything to hurt you.

Later that night Jungkook pulled up outside the house and saw your car, 

"I'll call you later, Y/n's home so I'm going to talk to her if she's awake," Jungkook said to Seojun who hummed before hanging upon him. He shut the door carefully and headed up to the front door, it was almost 12 pm so you were most likely asleep in bed but when he walked into the living room you were out cold on the sofa. Draped in one of his jumpers and a pair of shorts with a blanket around you, the TV was playing to itself all of their Bangtan bombs and he smiled to himself. At least you weren't too angry at him to fall asleep to his voice, he turned off the TV and headed into the kitchen. 

A small hissing noise made you wake up when you heard small grunts of pain, 

"Guk?" You moaned out as you rubbed your eyes, the kitchen light was on and the moaning was coming from there. Terror ripped through you at the thought of him and someone else being in there together but Jungkook would never do that...Would he? Slowly sliding off the sofa you tip-toed into the kitchen to see Jungkook with his back to you, he was hissing as he pulled something off his chest, 

"Kookie? What's going on?" Jungkook jumped as your voice suddenly filled the air, he turned to face you and you saw what he was struggling to do. There was fresh clingfilm wrapped around his chest along with some pads, 

"Jungkook?" You frowned walking further into the kitchen as you helped him take off the cling film, 

"I did something." He mumbled as he took your hands into his own to stop you from removing the rest of it all, 

"We have to talk..." You stared into his eyes waiting for him to continue and he looked down, 

"I know how much the tattooed bothered you without you saying anything...That's the reason I've been seeing Seojun so much, she runs her own tattoo parlour instead of working for other people now..." You remembered him telling you once that she worked as a tattooist in someone else's shop, 

"S-So you went to her to get a tattoo done? Why didn't you tell me?" He let go of your wrists and allowed you to keep unwrapping the clingfilm until it got to the end and the flower could be seen, 

"Because we were working on something I couldn't tell you about," Sitting on his left peck, covering the entire muscle was a huge tattoo of your birth flower. Tears began to well up in your eyes as you stared at the masterpiece, 

"The best part." He whispered as he took your hand carefully and lead it over to the middle of his chest, written in small black in were some coordinates. 

"Do you know what that is?" You stared at them with a frown on your face shaking your head at him trying to work it out, 

"It's the coordinates of where I first told you that I loved you," You stared at the coordinates before wrapping your arms around the back of his neck and dragging him into a passionate kiss. Tugging him closer to you until he hissed out in pain, 

"S-Sorry, the tattoo is sore." He chuckled as you looked at it again, 

"Where's your cream? I'll apply it and then we can go to bed?" You questioned as he nodded at you, telling you where the cream he used for all his tattoo's was kept and went to sit on the sofa for you. Smiling happily as he waited for you to come back to him.

Tagline: @lyoongx​ @mitzwinchester​ @fan-ati--c​ @rjsmochii​ @kneel-begyourpardon​ @taestannie​ @bisexualmess007​ @innersooya​ @sw33tnight​ @jin-from-the-block​ @sweeneyblue1​

[magicmindless]

Hey here’s a fanfic I wrote. This takes place during the production of Mocharia with some of the ladies working. (It’s written in a play script form. Not sure how people like that style but I just thought it would fit because they’re working on a movie)

Working ladies (I wish I had a better title trust me)

Date: October 15

Time: 2:45 pm

Location: Break trailer

Featuring: Bertha, Emmlette, Kayla, Quinn, Sue, Petrona

At the moment, the crew was on a short break. Emmlette, Kayla, and Bertha were in the trailer talking.

Kayla: So, then what about this person? They seem to be one of the people causing a bit of trouble.

Bertha: They’re just snarky, that’s all.

Emmlette: I’ve had to face many students like him in the past, trust me. But once you get on an even level with them things aren't so hard.

[Quinn and Sue enter the scene, Sue entering with a surgical mask and rather tired sigh and Quinn muttering something.]

Emmlette: Why hello ladies.

Quinn: Good afternoon Emmlette.

Sue: Hey- *cough* *cough*

Emmlette: Sue, you alright dear?

Sue: Yeah, I’m okay- *cough*

Bertha: Did you come down with a cold or something?

Sue: Eh, only a little.

Bertha: Then go home!

Sue: I’m fine... I'll take a sick day if I have to be in a hospital.

Emmlette: Well, if you're not gonna take a sick day don't expect us not to look after you.

[Emmlette hands Sue a cup of honey lemon tea. Sue pulls down her mask to take a drink.]

Quinn: You work too hard y’know that Sue?

Emmlette: That's rich coming from you of all people, Quinny.

Quinn: What do you mean? I know when I should take breaks... I just don't get to very often.

Emmlette: Jeez…

Kayla: I guess I understand, in a way at least. Even when I do get off time I don't think I can ever get a break... fans can be a lot of work...

Quinn: Oh, you were that doctor in Lovebright Hospital right?

Kayla: Yep, that’s what I'm most known for I think.

Quinn: Ugh... Timm is ALWAYS talking about that show around me.

Emmlette: Did you ever watch it?

Quinn: Yes. I hated it… but Kayla did a good job as the main girl.

Kayla: Oh, thank you!

Sue: I watched that show with Mary, it was okay. She really enjoyed it though.

Kayla: Who’s Mary?

Sue: She’s a friend.

Quinn: I thought she’s your girlfr-

Sue puts a finger over Quinn’s mouth.

Sue: Ahahaha I never asked.

Bertha: There something we’re supposed to know?

[Emmlette chuckles, putting on a teasing smirk.]

Emmlette: Hmhmh, just a friend right?

Sue: Yeah.

Emmlette: Well, seems that you do like being close to her.

Sue: ...What do you mean?

[Emmlette walks up to her and wipes her cheek with a hankie.]

Emmlette: You had some blue paint on your cheek dear. At least make it less obvious where you've been~

Bertha: Ooh... Are you hiding secrets from us?

Sue: I was just talking to her, don't make it weird!

Quinn: I thought you'd be happy working with Mary though, since, well, you love her.

Sue: I am, it's just... *sigh* Well, you see.

Emmlette: Ehehehe!

Bertha: Get used to it sweetie.

[Petrona enters the trailer]

Petrona: I didn't know there was a party going on in here.

Emmlette: Hey Petrona, we're just hanging out til break is over.

Petrona: Well break’s about to be over in 2 just so you know.

Everyone: Yes ma’am.

[Petrona walks to the beverage table to get herself a coffee.]

Petrona: So... What were you ladies chatting about in here?

Bertha: We were just helping Kayla deal with the casting.

Petrona: Oh, using your break to be more productive. That's nice.

Quinn: We were also talking about Lovebright for a little bit.

Petrona: Oh yeah, that show.

[…]

Petrona: I'm... Gonna go now, gotta make sure the Fernanco couple isn't smooching again.

Sue: Pff, what?

Petrona: What? The couples around here are kind of annoying. There are only about two here I know, Fernanda and Franco, and that younger couple, Mindy and Whiff, and they really like to show how crazy they are for each other.

[Petrona starts leaving.]

Emmlette: Aw hehehe.

Kayla: Actually Miss, there are 3 couples here. Sue is dating someone here.

[Petrona stops in her tracks. Sue was frozen as well.]

Petrona: I'm listening.

Emmlette: Oh yeah, you know the key scenic right?

[Sue elbows Emmlette trying to get her to shut up.]

Petrona: Hm... the ditzy painter? Oh... I never would've thought of that happening, yet it makes sense.

Bertha: Yeah, though they always seemed to get along a little... Too well.

Sue: [whispering] Will you shut up?*

[Petrona gets up in Sue’s face squinting her eyes. Sue’s face is blazing red at this point.]

Petrona: Hm...Too well?

Emmlette: Well she did “see” her today.

Sue: I told you not to make it weird!

Petrona: If it wasn't weird then what is it?

Sue:...I- Ugh, shut up! Leave me alone!

[An alarm goes off on Petrona’s phone.]

Petrona: Break time’s over. Sue, Emmlette, go get everyone ready.

[Sue stalks out the door quickly.]

Petrona: You ladies are ruthless.

Emmlette: You wanted to listen.

Petrona sighs. All the ladies exit the break trailer.

[End]

---

Bonus:

[The next day...]

Sue: [text]Hey Petrona, I can’t come to work today.

Petrona: [text] Why not?

Sue: [text] I’m sick of everyone’s bullshit.

Petrona: [text] Sue that’s not a valid reason to skip work.

Sue: [text] Oh yeah, I'm actually sick though.

[canaryatlaw]

okay, well today was fine, though work was kinda stressing me out. I had my alarm set for 8:45, I didn't have court but needed to get some messages fired off first thing. so I did that, then went back to bed for a bit until I had an 11 am reference call for an awesome intern that worked with us last year (I always make sure our very excellent interns know I am more than happy to serve as a reference for them in the future). after that I got up and started working on a few things, some for a case we're taking over tomorrow but mostly for the hearing I have on Friday. Made an instacart order and then had a 2 pm video appointment with my psychiatrist. I'm low key irritated about the psych med situation at the moment, because a few months back we took me off one of the meds I've been on since like 2013 because the levels of one of my other meds were super high in my blood, and they thought that med was causing it. the levels are still high, but less so than they were. the issue now being that I was stable on that med combo basically since 2013 (with a few dips here and there, a notable one in 2017 when they tried to take me off the medication that was high in my blood and it went VERY poorly) and now being off one of them I'm definitely experiencing depression symptoms again, which I really hate. It's mostly just having issues getting out of bed in the morning and just wanting to sleep all the time, but that's like, the hallmark depression symptom for me and was a huge issue for me throughout high school when I missed 40+ days of school for both my junior and senior years of high school (each). and I just like really hate that?? but he doesn't want to put me back on that med, which like I understand his concerns from a medical standpoint, but it's also frustrating because I know it was working for me, and I'd rather just go with that and take the risks rather than play around with different meds and try to find one that works, which is what we're currently doing. but yeah, we decided to try a thyroid hormone (I think?) that can act as a stimulant, but is generally only supposed to be used in the short term, so idk what we'll do after that. I need to get a blood test first to check my current thyroid level, so I may try to sneak out and do that tomorrow if I have time. I then had a hearing prep meeting for that at 3, and it did not quite go as planned. Apparently the statement in the petition was somewhat mistranslated and somewhat suggested there were more witnesses/evidence than there actually was, so overall it's going to end up being a pretty weak case that I'm not at all sure we stand a chance at winning. so that's super frustrating honestly. The meeting itself was also just super long and draining, and we didn't even finish, so we have to pick back up with that tomorrow afternoon. sigh. oh well. we finished up that for the day and I worked on a few other things before logging my hours for the day. made dinner which was good, then basically just chilled for the rest of the evening, took some garbage down and then showered a bit early in an attempt to get more sleep so I'll be less tired. And yeah, got ready for bed and now I'm here, nice and sleepy so I'm going to bed now. Goodnight friends. Hope your Monday didn't suck.

[sarcasticsidecomment]

So its been a really hard day, week, month, basically since midterms. The past two weeks have been the worst. Last week I had play practices until 8 PM most days except I skipped on Wednesday because of a jazz competition where we got back at about 11 or so. Then on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday we had our performances. There were two on Saturday and each performance was about two hours plus another two hours for before and after stuff. In my family we aren't supposed to do homework on Sundays (its a family/church day) so I have to wait until my parents go to bed or sneak stuff down to my room to do homework. This year I'm taking 12 classes two are APs, one was a semester class so now I have a study hall. Five are music so they all sort of fit into the same period and one is a before school church class ever morning at 6:10. Its a 20 minute drive and my family reads scriptures together before my brother and I leave. My dad is a lawyer and also has a bunch of religious responsibilities and is part of a volleyball league so he's almost never home. My mom deals with five kids, her own religious responsibilities and other stuff but she does way less than I do but always seems more stressed and I don't understand. As the parent she's supposed to be calm and understanding and ask about my day. Because of everything last week I was up almost all night Sunday-Saturday but I eventually went to bed in time to get about an hour of sleep. I also tutor two hours a week. I got four hours of sleep the next night and 11 the night after that. Because I'm used to an overall average of less than 6 hours of sleep a night (including weekends) and probably way less than that for just school nights, getting more than about 7 hours of sleep gives me huge headaches. Eleven really really hurt even after ibuprofen. Today at school I only had physics, AP Stats, Spanish, and music. but in the order 1 4 2 3. Our schedule is really weird. Most days we have seven classes and our rotation schedule has 7 days meaning that we never have the same class order more often then once every seven days. I was up until about 12h30 trying to finish a take home physics test that we had all gotten a week ago but I hadn't had time to start yet because I was working on getting caught up from everything I had missed the week before. I decided to take an hour nap because I literally couldn't keep my eyes open and I had only gotten about a forth of the test done. I'll explain more later, but this teacher gives really hard tests. I was crying (which despite all the crap and pressure I'm under I hadn't done since last summer) and I almost self-harmed again so I just decided to take the nap. My alarms didn't go off until 5h30 as usual so I didn't get any more work done. I got some done from the 45 min I have before school starts after I get to the building after my church class but before classes start but I was tutoring so I gave him some busy work a and worked on physics. This class was first starting at 8 so 3 min to the bell I went up. About 15 minutes into class, I learned that most people hadn't finished the test. His tests are usually really hard to show for sure that you have mastered the material which I hadn't because I had been distracted with lack of sleep and the musical. He decided to give the class until the end of the day to pass in the tests (which was very nice, but pretty typical of this teacher). He is really positive but not annoyingly so and not in a naive way either. Just being in the classroom really helped me to calm down and relax a bit, I almost started crying again from relief (my eyes still teared up a bit) but I managed not to. I didn't really get much done and really only figured out that I really didn't know what I was doing but he said that we could come in after school at least until 4 because he was leaving at 4h30. The bell rang and I had jazz. I only play one of the three jazz songs so I did my math during the time I wasn't playing. I ran a meeting for chorale council during lunch (I'm one of the presidents) them went to math, I'd brought in a pie for homework passes two days earlier and it had been in the freezer, it was the class favorite. At his point my phone was dead because it hadn't fully charged last night. I did my Spanish worksheet during math. And quickly wrote down a speech in Spanish about how I was the best candidate for student body president. I'm also really behind in math. Once I got to Spanish, I took my speech and turned it into notes instead. My speech went pretty well. And class was fine. I went to jazz after school and that went okay. Then I went up too Dudley's room. Two of my friends were already there getting help with the test but I think they were done and were just hanging out because Dudley is so amazing and calming. Ryley and Mackenzie (they're both guys by the way) came over and talked for a few minutes while I worked on the test. Apparently I looked really tired because they started telling Dudley about how I got about 4 hours of sleep a night and how I needed to get more sleep and about how much I do. Dudley said I looked exhausted. After they left we talked a bit on and off while I worked on my test. I didn't ask for it but he asked if I wanted an extension until Tuesday, which I accepted. I worked on the test for about an hour and a half until 4-ish. He looked over my test and said that for two of the four questions I had it almost perfect and I had the right idea with the other two. He told me that I looked exhausted, to get some sleep, and to take care of myself. I love my parents and siblings and I know in my head that they love me too but they don't notice when I get an hour of sleep or when I'm upset about an assignment or test, or when I haven't showered in two weeks (yes, I know, it happens sometimes, I forget because I don't have time) they don't ask about my day, or want to do things with me, give me hugs or tough me at all usually, or help me with stuff, or talk to me, or ask about my music, or really anything. Ever day when I leave its the exact same words- Have a good day. They're like roommates that ignore me most of the time. Dudley is just a teacher, but he writes notes on his student's tests when he hands them out praising their individual strengths. He knows who my friends are and what I'm having problems with. He asks how I'm doing and I try to answer honestly because I know he cares and wants to know. Yes he is just a teacher, but he keeps things appropriate and professional while still really helping his students. Family is supposed to help you but I feel like mine holds me back, degrades, ignores me, and neglects me. I don't blame them for overlooking me, it is just a fact. My friends act like siblings should, and I feel like Dudley acts somewhat like a father and Ewing acts somewhat like a grandmother. Then my biological family gets angry when I spend so much time at school. Well that is where I get things done, that is where I feel loved, that is where people pay attention to me, and care about me. Here I just feel like my rent is overdue. They aren't bad people, just distracted.

[canaryatlaw]

okay, well today was fine. got up at 7:30, since my legs have been awful the last week I knew there was no chance I could take public transit. hate this so much!! really really need to get an appointment scheduled with my neurologist, though I know she's just going to send me back to PT. And like, I know it's extremely likely it's getting so bad right now because I've been feeling so emotional and overwhelmed about coming up on the two year anniversary of losing my dad, but like, how am I even supposed to fix that? I just can't. sigh. truly and totally hate this, and if it messes me up at the con this weekend I'm going to be incredibly mad and frustrated (I'll have my cane with me at the very least, but there have definitely been times in the past that it's not been all that helpful, and having an incident in front of a ton of people is hardcore a nightmare for me). so that's all around a major ugh. anyway. I got up and lyft'ed to work since I'm still boycotting uber, and made pretty good time. got in the office and opened clinic, ended up having a pretty time consuming morning in court with 3 cases up (only one of which was actually my case, but I had to cover the others for coworkers, which I don't mind) but they overall went pretty well, so I was satisfied with that. ended up being a fairly productive clinic day as well, got four cases basically done, so that was good. but yeah, a bit quieter than normal, but not bad- I'll definitely take less hectic work days sometimes lol. I definitely feel like I'm building up a better relationship with the clerks- I yet again had a case to submit right down at the wire of the filing deadline (like it's 3 pm and I was in there at 2:59) and normally they hassle me over it, but I was mostly able to play it off with a few laughs and little frustration because they like me now lol so I felt good about that. tomorrow we're closing clinic and doing a file clean up day, the last one of which was in February 2020, not kidding lol. I haven't looked at the plan yet (of course) so I'm not sure how it's going to go or if we need to make physical files for every case we've filed since the pandemic began (which would take a LONG time) or just clean up what we have, so we'll see how that goes. but yeah, we get to wear jeans and they're ordering pizza for lunch, so that should be nice. Headed home shortly after 5, and upon arriving we went out to target to grab a few things a few minutes later. we mostly wanted to look over the discounted easter candy selection, but they mostly just had peeps, which was a bit disappointing but oh well. we grabbed dinner from the panda express in the parking lot of the target and headed home to eat. pretty chill night from there, just doing the usual. Roommate went to bed, I stayed up a bit longer and then showered and got ready for bed, and now I'm here. It's of course getting late now and I'm tired, so I'm going to go to bed now. Goodnight friends. Hope your Monday didn't suck.