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Ted Threesome: The Sexually Insane Gardening Consultant

by Danny SoZ Dear Ted,   My husband and I are now both retired and have been considering applying for an allotment. We’re quite elderly and we realise there’s a fair bit of hard work involved, but we both feel that the fresh air and exercise will do us good. Then, of course, there are the savings we’ll make by growing our own fruit and veg, jam making etc. I was, therefore, wondering if you could give us any advice on the best type of soil for growing a variety of produce. We were thinking in terms of a few apple or Victoria plum trees, a bed of strawberries, along with some vegetable staples, such as potatoes, onions, sprouts and so on. We look forward to hearing from you as soon as you have a moment Ted, as we’re quite keen to make a start with spring just around the corner. Thank you in anticipation Marjory & Albert Twelvetrees Whitechapel London *********************************

(Image: Artful Dodger) Dear Marjory & Albert Have you ever tried group sex? I bet you have you saucy sods!. Did Albert watch, or did he join in? Have you got any pics or video? I’ll pay cash money for them if you have! Have you ever done it in the woods where people might spot you? It’s the thrill of being discovered isn’t it? Did you go out in just a fur coat and a pair of knickers Marjory? Christ, I wish I’d been there, you filthy little minx! Is that why you want an allotment? So you can romp naked in the shed while people outside are tending their plots? Jesus Christ, I knew it! What colour are your panties Marjory? Are you wearing any?… Is Albert??? UNH! UNH! UNH! UNH! UNH! Oh yeah you dirty bleeders! You know what I like don’t you? All The Very Best For The Future Ted. A good open, loamy soil, mixed with a nice strong mulch, should bring excellent results with most type of fruit and veg. Happy planting! Ted Threesome is gardening correspondent for The Gardening and Scalding Semen Monthly

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