#Gaius gone nooooooooooooooo can't bear it

[kinnabaris]

Just finished Merlin. I’m a wreck.

I think the first time I have ever blogged about something here on Tumblr it was about the 2013 MCM London Comic Con, when I went to a Merlin panel with @ilovetextingandscones and then met Alexander Vlahos and Tom Hopper, although I had barely watched half a season of it, so it feels only appropriate to dedicate one of my rare posts to the day in which I have finally watched the final episode of the final season, 5x12-13, and I am an emotional mess because of it. Probably, if I had watched all of it before that panel, I would have barely been able to stand on my legs meeting Tom and Alex, although it would have been much, much worse with Colin, whom I have seen twice in theatre plays (Mojo and The Tempest at the Globe) and fuck, I wish I had watched Merlin sooner to be properly in awe of him upon seeing him. 

Damn, where do I start? The Diamond of the Day hit me hard. Real hard. It is a crescendo of emotions, and not only because of the battle, the deaths of such good and much-loved characters and stuff, but also because it starts out with two very painful occurrences: not only has Mordred revealed Merlin's identity as Emrys to Morgana, so she sends that sort of black, eyeless slug to suck out Merlin's magic and he's defenceless right when Arthur needs him the most, but also, in order to try and recover said magic, he has to tell Arthur he won't be with him for the battle and the king looks so genuinely betrayed. As us viewers know that Merlin doesn't deserve this, it stings, it's a subtle and enduring pain, because you feel as if they're running out of time and there will be no chance for them to be as they were before.

You know, Merlin, all those jokes about you being a coward... I never really meant any of them. I always thought you were the bravest man I ever met. Guess I was wrong.

Then, of course, the battle takes place, but the tension accompanying it comes from an entire season build-up: the fifth season is a gradual progression of anxiety in which, just like Merlin, you stare warily at Mordred, remembering what he said as a child ("I shall never forgive this, Emrys, and I shall never forget") and knowing he will be the one to kill Arthur, and watch Merlin try to avert the impending doom without succeeding, rather ensuring it with every single choice he makes.

Intertwined with the battle, starting just a little before it, is the Crystal Cave sequence, and I swear, when Merlin is trapped and screams that heartwrenching scream, desperate, hopeless, fearing that he will never recover the magic that he was born with and that Arthur will die because of it, I felt as if my heart was being ripped from my chest. The pain was only mitigated by the whole conversation with his father, a very touching moment, and especially the fact that Balinor told his son that he is made of the very magic that is the fabric of the earth and no one can take that away from him (huge sigh of relief on my part at that).

This gave me hope and made it all the more exciting to see him rise from the cave like Gandalf the White and ride towards Camlann on that horse (which is basically Shadowfax, very Gandalf too). When he gets there it's even more powerful and satisfying to see him cut through Morgana's ranks with lightning thanks to his staff (again, Gandalf) and slam her against the wall.

When Arthur gets stabbed and Mordred dies, the countdown to the end starts ticking even more loudly, but then I thought that there was still so much to say, so much to repair in Arthur and Merlin’s relationship. Because this relationship is the core of the story, no other surpasses it - and it pains me to count below it even the father-son bond that Merlin and Gaius share, because it is sweet and profound and Gaius is my fave - and there was no way it could finish like this, riddled with misunderstandings. Hence, the best part of it all started for me when Merlin lifted Arthur’s unconscious, wounded body and left for Avalon.

Sure, it was not easy watching Arthur react to Merlin's revelation, but it was rewarding to hear that he might not have executed his servant had he decided to reveal himself sooner, and even more rewarding was it to hear that Merlin didn't do it so that he wouldn’t put his friend in such a conundrum.

Arthur: Why did you never tell me?

Merlin: I wanted to, but...

Arthur: What?

Merlin: You'd have chopped my head off.

Arthur: I'm not sure what I'd have done.

Merlin: And I didn't want to put you in that position.

Arthur: That's what worried you?

Merlin: Some men are born to plow fields, some live to be great physicians, others to be great kings. Me? I was born to serve you, Arthur, and I'm proud of that, and I wouldn't change a thing.

Of course Arthur feels betrayed at the beginning. Betrayed by the last person who could have betrayed him after his father, his uncle, his half-sister, his most loyal knight, his wife - he’s got such a big heart and he doesn’t deserve it being shattered every time, but alas, that’s his lot in this world. But then, as time goes by and he sees Merlin perform magic, he realises just how much he did for him without never seeking credit - a recurring theme throughout the five seasons, that Merlin is always royally frustrated about - employing the magic that had only been used to take so much from him until then. It's a nice, redeeming ending for the whole ‘magic is bad and can only be used for evil' theme that started off the series, as now Arthur can really see magic being used for good like he has never seen it before.

Arthur: All these years, Merlin. You never once sought any credit.

Merlin: It's not why I do it.

In the meantime, Morgana tortures Gwaine to discover where Arthur and Merlin are headed, Percival hears him scream and breaks free from the ropes tying him only to reach his friend, who barely manages to tell him that Morgana knows where Merlin and Arthur are headed before dying in his arms. Yay, another big crack in my heart was just what I needed. And what’s worse is that he thinks he has failed his friend. Goddamnit you absolutely did NOT! Gwaine, my precious baby... I will just split my consciousness the way I do with Fred Weasley, so I can just remove his death from memory as non-existent. Because. It. Never. Happened. NEVAH.

To counterbalance this wave of depression, I had another moment that positively broke me, but in a good way, tying another loose end: Arthur almost never apologises for anything and mocks Merlin, albeit mostly good-humouredly, throughout the show. And now not only his view of magic is changing, but also his perspective on his friend and on his own behaviour towards him. I don’t say I started crying then because I was already copiously doing so, but I think I let out a little wail, just for the sake of punctuating the importance of the moment.

Arthur: Merlin. Whatever happens...

Merlin: Shh. Don't talk.

Arthur: I'm the king, Merlin. You can't tell me what to do.

Merlin: I always have. I'm not going to change now.

Arthur: I don't want you to change. I want you... to always... be you. I'm sorry about how I treated you.

They are about to reach Avalon when Morgana catches up with them, but Merlin stabs her with Excalibur, gently easing her fall like he did when he poisoned her and her hatred for him began. A nice touch, because it’s a violent, tragic scene, but you still see a shadow of the friendship there used to be. Sometimes during series 3 to 5 I thought about how tragically, abruptly this relationship was brought to an end and really it was such a shame, their interaction was very sweet. She was very sweet actually. Sarcastic, fierce, but a sweet cutiepie nevertheless.

Then Arthur is too weak to move and we get to the last dialogue:

Arthur: With all your magic, Merlin, and you can’t save my life.

Merlin: I can. I’m not going to lose you.

Arthur: Just… Just hold me. Please. There’s something I want to say…

Merlin: You’re not going to say goodbye!

Arthur: No, Merlin… Everything you’ve done. I know now. For me, for Camelot. For the kingdom you helped me build…

Merlin: You’d have done it without me.

Arthur: Maybe. I want to say…something I’ve never said to you before. Thank you.

Merlin: Arthur… No! Arthur! Arthur! Arthur! Come on! Arthur!

I am not even sure I can comment it properly. It encapsulates so much of their story and their relationship, their intertwined destiny, the future they sought to build for Albion, their constant, unwavering friendship and loyalty... and the fact that, as Merlin had to keep his powers a secret, not once was his help fully acknowledged. So, basically, that small, final “thank you” hit me with the force of a truck on a high-speed train.

Merlin asks for one last favour from Kilgharrah - another painful detail, the Great Dragon is getting old and his wings are all tattered, so depressing ffs - who takes them to the lake and, for the last time, after throwing Excalibur in the water for Freya to catch it, Merlin lays someone he loves in a boat and enchants it to drift far from the shore, towards the realm of the Sidhe, where Arthur will reside until Albion will be in its hour of greatest need and he shall rise again. The last shot is of an elderly, modernly-dressed Merlin walking by a road, near the lake and the Sidhe tower now half-ruined, waiting for the time to come. This too was a subtly depressing scene for me, because the modern setting implies that he is now alone. He alone is immortal, so no Gaius. No Gwen. No Percival. No Leon. No one. Just him. Alone. Waiting.

***

I thought I would calm down a bit after writing, putting pen to paper always helps me process things, but the truth is that, despite knowing how it would end, I didn’t manage to be ready for it anyway, so it hit me full force. I don’t have much else to fill my life with feelings-wise, so these stories represent almost all my emotional nourishment and it has proven time and again impossible to treat them with more detachment, just enough for me not to get hurt. I watched Merlin and Arthur’s relationship blossom and grow for five seasons, I saw mutual trust and respect on a deep level, but also jokes and fun with a pinch of irony and mischievousness. Despite the prince-servant context, they were equals, they were friends, none of the two felt subordinate to the other, they would trust each other with their lives and often did. And there was, above all, fierce, raw, mutual love and loyalty. I mean, what more could I ask from a story, from a relationship?

[Note to self: go and read The Student Prince and listen to and watch everything Merlin-related I have missed in these seven years. As soon as I stop howling, that is.]