#GOD I NEED HIM SO BADLY FUCKKKKKKKK

[hueromi]

his hips…the way he moved his hair back in the end…😵‍💫😵‍💫 lord forgive me for what i’m about to say

250122 txt.bighitent tiktok update

Rebola for Brunão🕺

[tamiddyinyourcity]

9:37pm.

Being a self sabotaging knick gurr really isn't helping me right now.

I'll just say that its a baaaaaad idea to read my own old posts.

I think I already knew that though. Hence, why I don't read posts from my other blog when I was 12 to 16, either. Nothing in there but traumatic memories, so no need for that.

I dunno, guess I was talking to Rowan and he mentioned reading my blog and liking it.... Geez, I haven't blushed like that in AWHILE. Good to know a dude can read posts about me not wanting to sacrifice my mental health or future for a child or talking about men with big dicks is endearing to some.

I just.... read a post about You Know Who.

Resisting writing their name, since I don't feel like taking a shot right now. It would worsen my cramps really badly.

But..... Idk. The thought of "in the 4 weeks or so of us not talking, had he met someone new?", thought came to mind.

Not gonna pretend the idea of a dude happily booting me to the curb to chase after some new girls he meets online doesnt upset me to an extent. (Hell, even I was nicer when the roles were reversed. Probably since my way of doing it was "i want this to be an ex that will not potentially see me as worth a restraining order, or will embarrass me", so writing the loving letter and hugging him was my route.... God, he should have NEVER sent me that text! Fuck, he ruined everything.)

And of course, me leaving him was due to me knowing he would keep giving me mixed signals or leading me on.

And then him leaving, was him deciding to do so immediately after giving me mixed signals and leading me on. (What a class act, he was.)

I doubt he's going to be very healthy with the next person he's with. Is it bad that the idea of that makes me comfortable, knowing he's still gonna be the same piece of shit he always was to me?

Ugh, sucks for whoever else might come next.

Luckily, blocking him everywhere was a good idea back when we first broke up. Unlike him, I was fully prepared to cut him out of my life, since he really had me fucked up with the shit he did. Even when we got back together, not unblocking him was a good idea. I didn't need him to see what I was writing, or thinking, or whatever.

I liked him, but not enough to tolerate him being like that.

Sucks things turned out this way, but whatever.....

9:48pm.

What's on my mind, for now:

Eli doesn't need my help this weekend, but still wants to pay me either way to help me out. He says he would just like some company for a walk.... that seems doable. As long as I can wear my gloves and a bandana, I'll survive..... hopefully.

I ordered a crapton of mason jars and some prepackaged fruit/applesauce/honey/peanut butter for myself. My mom also was nice and picked up a few things I forgot I asked for... I've got a nice, non-hoarder storage of food going on. Brown rice, pasta, sauce, and a little more.... Plus vegetables I got that I still really need to eat..... fuck, have been too exhausted or busy deep cleaning to remember to eat any food. I hate that vegetables spoil, AAAAAA HOW AM I GONNA EAT ALL THAT LETTUCE AND EVERYTHING BEFORE IT ALL SPOILS? Specifically when my period only lets me eat, like, sushi or burritos in the early stages? Fuckkkkkkkk me.

I gotta touch the packages to open them...... and the UPS driver touched them.... then id have to wash my hands over and over in the process of opening, to taking out the items, to unfolding the boxes.... Gosh, no wonder my skin is so dry.

I might fuck around and make an omelet, i guess.

I'm tired.

Aaaaand so far, thats it.

I kinda like having this page for my thoughts. Since hey, even those who don't know me personally may enjoy reading it and having a small peephole view into the way I see things. (Excluding that one shitty bitch who occasionally stalked this page.... her weird ass should spend more time learning how to not draw like a 12 year old on DeviantArt. Then that spat I had wouldn't have shaken her to the core. Still sorry for what I said on that tweet about minecraft bees, though, even if you were unnecessarily slutty.)

Agh.

Whatever.

Time really flies, huh? It went from November to April, just like that. Jesus christ, what happened in those few months?

December - broke up, got back together, broke up again

January - somehow ended up hanging out again

February - fucking and movie watching, then eventually parting ways

March - mainly just in bed crying a lot and almost hitting deaths door? that incident in his livingroom..... whatever. then attempting self care, moving ooooon through retail therapy, and right as im prepping to wear pretty sundresses and travel around the different cities nearby in order to find new things to enjooooy.... shelter in place had happened. It wasn't bad, though. Prison pen palled someone, my grandmother left, sexted Rowan since it was the right time and place, ended up becoming really good friends, Eli helping me financially in exchange for some disability assistance, making more cathartic content about life, aaaaaaaaaaand lots more constant changes.

And, now, itsssss....

April - I'm making a blog post worrying about how I'm gonna eat the romaine lettuce in my fridge before it gets soggy.

Sigh.

Today has gone really well.

Outside of my stupid fucking diva cup deciding to fuck up MORE THAN ONCE today, and stress in general... I'm doing damned good.

10:12pm.

Me ordering Burger King instead of Instacarting meat to cook with the vegetables tonight.... yikes. :)

I gave Rowan the link to my tumblr. Idk how he's gonna react to all of this, if he does read deep into my page, but I'm an open book anyways and would explain it. So, nothing to fear.

I just probably can't make any more horny posts on here in order to vent out my horniness? Idk? Did he see the dyson vaccuum post? Jesus.

Alright, gonna.... stare at a wall before inevitably forgetting I ordered food for myself at all tonight. Peace out yalls.

Hope everyone is having a nice night. God bless and amen.