#GIRLS WHEN YELLOWJACKETS MAKES THEM NEED TO REREAD I AND THOU BY MARTIN BUBER

[chasingfictions]

lottie telling everyone why their life is fucked up directly in the second person but when it comes to nat’s suicide attempt she can only use third person … it’s giving lottienat two halves of a whole it’s giving well if she uses you for nat that also on some level means i . If she uses you she has to think about the fact that what she’s proposing is her own suicide attempt. and then the logic would unravel and she can’t do that . lottienat “you never talk shit unless someone really deserves it” + the affection of “you talking shit? you little bitch” and the first moment setting up their paradigm of ethics and honesty and the second calling back to their intimacy with each other. but in this moment it’s “not gonna solve shit with talking, nat” — it’s about lottie being untruthful to herself which is the same as being untruthful to nat. nat’s given full honesty and vulnerability since she arrived but lottie hasn’t been able to do the same — she didn’t tell the full story about travis’ death whereas the trust they built allowed nat to tell the full story about her near death experience with travis that led to his death. lottie is clinging to be the healer so she won’t have to be vulnerable. lottie and nat expressing what the other cant or wont in a given moment, expressing the opposition that makes the other into a fully realized being, by making them exist in relation. “not gonna solve shit with talking” means please don’t make me talk please just let me spiral please just let me help you instead of helping myself please let me forget I have a self. but nat always sees lottie as a girl and not a god a woman and not a prophet a friend lover enemy teammate family member and not a leader. lottie knows that by even being in a room with nat she is opening herself up to being Seen. to being judged and perceived and called out. nat who yells at lottie in the wilderness for her perceived harm. nat who in the present notices lottie’s wounded hand. nat who has threatened lottie’s life and expressed a wish for the end of lottie’s life and who is here now trying to find a way to keep living by lottie’s side. what is she so afraid of, what is Lottie so terrified of if she says you here. Is it the vulnerability . is it that nat will see her wanting to die and will say sure go ahead. is it that she’s afraid nat will see her as a god and not a girl. Lottie wants to be seen as a priestess and she takes comfort in it, and also she craves to be seen, and if she lets nat in she risks the possibility that nat will see her as a person, whcih she can’t allow from anyone, or as a god, which she can’t allow from nat. so she has to stay the healer. she has to stay distant. she can’t let nat in because that would let nat know how much lottie needs her. and lottie has bought into the godlike persona that she shouldn’t have needs .

she can’t say you because then what if nat doesn’t say you back. and what if nat Does. GIRLS WHEN THEIR SELFHOOD CAN BE AFFIRMED OR DENIED BY THE OTHER!! GIRLS WHEN TO EXIST IS TO BE SEEN!! GIRLS WHEN THE MORTIFYING ORDEAL OF BEING KNOWN. Lottie wants to stay shroedinger’s god but nat said open the box and let me love you already