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mysweetkittae · 3 years ago

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When The Sun Rises (Ch.15)

01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08 | 09 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18

Characters: Actor!Jungkook x Reader

Genre: Angst, Fluff

Word Count: 12,353

Warnings: Depression, anxiety, mentions of past child neglect, mentions of past parental death, I promise there is happiness and hope in this.

Author’s Note: This story is fully written and will be updated weekly! It will also be posted on AO3 if you would prefer to read it there.

Summary: Everything felt numb, the heavy weight of nothingness having long found purchase in the spaces between Jungkook's ribs. It was all he knew – to run, so far away that his fears could never catch him – until one day he couldn’t anymore. Until one day there was nowhere left for him to run; nowhere left for him to hide. And then someone came along – kind and loving and patient, the wisps of the morning rays to illuminate his endless night sky – and suddenly Jungkook didn’t want to run anymore. For the first time in his life, he no longer wanted to hide – he just wanted to be free.

Y/N knew that she shouldn’t be doing this, knew that she shouldn’t keep pressing into her wounds like she had been for so long. But she couldn’t help it. Watching these award shows was the only way she could keep Jungkook in her life, no matter how self-destructive it may have been. She should have listened to Hoseok and cut him out of her life as soon as he broke up with her, but as angry as she had been there was always a part of her telling her that she needed to hold on.

Because the truth was, no matter what happened between the two of them she would always be proud of Jungkook and everything he had accomplished in his life, especially when he was nominated for such prestigious awards. He definitely deserved to win, even being completely objective she could say that he earned that award.

She remembered crying during ‘Awakening’, feeling so much pride at seeing Jungkook on screen. But more than that, she couldn’t ignore the sadness in his eyes in every interview or show he was on. It wouldn’t have been noticeable to anyone else, even Hoseok had dismissed it when she first pointed it out to him, but she knew him well. And perhaps it was wishful thinking, perhaps she wanted to believe that he was hurting as much as she was, but her gut was telling her that she couldn’t give up just yet. His acceptance speech was further proof of that.

Y/N listened intently as he spoke, shocked to see the Jungkook she knew and loved so dearly showing himself to the world, ridding himself of the mask he always wore. Maybe it was presumptuous, especially after everything that had happened, but it really felt as though he was talking directly to her. It was painful, seeing him so vulnerable, leaving her wanting nothing more than to hold him tightly in her arms and tell him how much she loved him, and that everything would be okay.

In that moment, it truly felt like her old Jungkook had come back to her. Not the Jungkook that prioritised his own happiness above hers or said such awful things to her over text, but the Jungkook that was kind and gentle and made her happier than anyone else in the universe.

Hesitation washed over her at first, unsure of what may come out of this, but she took the leap and decided to unblock Jungkook's number, heart pulsating in her chest. Y/N was terrified – she had blocked him for a whole year in fear or what might happen if she actually spoke to him, but if he truly meant what he said in his speech then maybe there was a chance for them. Maybe there was hope that things might turn out okay.

☽ ☼ ☾

Y/N didn’t expect Jungkook to call so soon. Her body jolted as she heard her phone ring, heart lurching out of her chest once she saw Jungkook's caller ID. Her instinct was to immediately grab her phone, but she hesitated. It had been so long since she last spoke to him, the last time being that awful argument. Would it be weird to talk again? What would they even say?

A part of her even wanted to ignore the call and let it ring, but she knew that had she had to take this chance, for all she knew this might be the only time he called her, and she knew for a fact that she didn’t have the strength to call him. Tentatively she pressed the answer button, breath hitching when she immediately heard Jungkook's voice, afraid and filled with awe. Fear coursed through her, words glued to her teeth and air frozen to her lungs, and so even through his endless apologies, she wasn’t able to say anything.

It was too much for her. Every ounce of anger she had harboured this past year came crashing down, she sound of Jungkook crying slashing through all the thorns she had planted around her heart. All she could muster were tears, soft whimpers in place of all the things she wanted to say, all the things she needed to say.

So she hung up, turning her phone off as sheer panic controlled her hands before her brain even registered it. She felt nauseous, phone clattering to the ground as she ran to the bathroom, hand grasped around her mouth as she fought to keep her heart in her chest. Calm down, she repeated to herself, splashing cold water onto her face, you were probably just hallucinating.

She forced her eyes shut once she got under the covers, duvet encasing her in darkness as she attempted to push every thought out of her brain. Sleep was gracious and came easily to Y/N that night, a numbing haze that carried her to the morning. Her mind remained foggy until she stepped into the bookshop, stopping in her steps as Hoseok stood before her, arms crossed and annoyance plastered on his face.

“I tried calling you like a million times since last night.”

“S-sorry… I switched my phone off and forgot to turn it back on,” she mumbled sheepishly, head turning to avoid his gaze.

“Did something happen?” Hoseok asked, expression immediately switching to one of concern. “You look shaken up.”

“No, no nothing happened.”

“Then?”

“I dunno I just… feel a bit weird I guess. Just one of those days,” she replied, not wanting to tell him exactly what happened since she hadn’t even fully processed it herself, but not wanting to lie to him either.

“Oh. Okay,” he answered, knowing Y/N well enough to know to drop the topic and that if she wanted to elaborate then she would.

It made him a little sad that she didn’t want to open up to him, but he got it. Sometimes you just needed to keep things to yourself. Making his way to the back room and sitting at his desk, he began rummaging through the piles of paper to give him something to do.

Sighing, Y/N walked towards him and leaned against his desk, facing away from him because she felt too uncomfortable. “Hey,” she said tentatively, unsure if he had heard her.

“Hmm?”

“I'm… I'm sorry. For… being weird and stuff. I just have a lot on my mind and I don’t really know how to feel.”

“Hey, you don’t have to apologise,” Hoseok smiled, poking her waist in jest. “I get it.”

“Still, I feel like I should be doing better,” she said solemnly, head heading with a sigh.

“Well, I mean it would have been nice if your phone wasn’t switched off so I didn’t panic and keep thinking about something bad happening to you and finding you dead in a ditch come morning, but like it’s fine. It happens.”

Y/N chuckled, any discomfort instantly dissipating, and Hoseok grinned back, relieved to finally see some light in Y/N's eyes again.

Last night’s events slowly slipped to the back of Y/N's mind, Hoseok's bright personality piercing through any clouds of uncertainty that had been brewing inside of her. It wasn’t as if she had convinced herself that last night hadn’t happened, she wasn’t that delusional, but she just didn’t know how to deal with the situation. So she kept on avoiding it, and she planned on avoiding it for as long as she could, just as she had been for the past year.

Y/N's phone was still switched off despite it nearing the end of the day, because as much as she wanted to use it like every other person on the planet in this day and age, she was that much more stubborn and didn’t want to face what might be waiting for her if she checked it.

She had just finished the last of the work at the hotel when she remembered that it was time for her weekly visit to Jungkook's house to water the plants and clean up a little. She hesitated in her steps, contemplating whether she should skip for today and avoid thinking about Jungkook even further, but she eventually conceded, not wanting to back down on her responsibilities because she was being childish. If she had managed to keep it up for this long then it shouldn’t be a problem. Gathering what strength she could muster, she made her way towards Jungkook's house, nerves shaking her hands as she unlocked the door and began her regular routine.

It had been a while since being in Jungkook's house had evoked such strong emotions. At first it was super overwhelming and she would always end up bursting into tears, but as time went by it no longer felt so intense, and instead she was shrouded by numbness. But today felt like that first day again, bones cold and rattling with uncertainty.

It only went away once Y/N forced herself to focus solely on the task at hand, repeating to herself over and over again to stop thinking about Jungkook. Now that in itself was probably not very productive, but it at least stopped her from spiralling in thoughts about yesterday’s phone call, and right now that’s all she was hoping for.

Y/N had been so focused on sweeping the upstairs rooms that she hadn’t even noticed the sound of a car door opening and closing outside, only the rattle of the key in the front door lock catching her attention. Her initial reaction was for her heart to drop to her stomach, countless scenarios formulating in her mind at how to deal with the intruder. With the broom firmly in her grip, she slowly leaned around the banister to try and catch a glimpse of who was entering, breath catching in her throat when she saw Jungkook walk through the door.

After locking the door Jungkook turned around and placed his bag by the wall, finally looking up and seeing Y/N at the top of the stairs. At first he thought that he had gone utterly insane, missing her so much that his head finally broke and started hallucinating, but as he blinked harshly a few times and pressed his nails into his palms, he came to realise that this was real.

Y/N was here, right in front of him in his house and… with a broom in her hand?

“Why do you have a broom in your hand?” Jungkook blurted, words tumbling out of his mouth before he could reign them in.

“Uhh… I- I was c-cleaning,” Y/N replied nervously, heart pounding in her chest at the sight of him, tears beginning to form at the sound of his beautiful voice.

“W-what are you doing here?” Jungkook asked in disbelief, brain still disconnected to his mouth.

“S-sorry, I shouldn’t have intruded. I-I’ll l-leave now,” Y/N said hurriedly, leaning the broom against the wall as she pattered down the stairs, palms clammy and stomach wrenching with nervousness.

“WAIT!” Jungkook yelled, arm shooting out to block Y/N's path as the loudness of his own voice brought his mind out of its shock. “P-please don’t go,” he said again, fear creeping into his voice at the thought of Y/N leaving again.

“I-I should go,” Y/N mumbled, head hung low and eyes focused on the floor.

“Please,” Jungkook begged, breath heavy in his words. “Please let us talk.”

Y/N closed her eyes and took deep breaths, eventually accepting his request and giving a small nod.

Jungkook's body relaxed in relief, motioning for her to sit in the living room. He quickly stepped into the kitchen, splashing his face and guzzling water down – anything to keep his mind from drifting into a haze. Everything was happening all at once and it was far too much for him to process, but all he knew was that Y/N was here and they were finally going to talk.

Filling another glass for Y/N, he brought them to the living room and carefully placed them down on the coffee table. It was unbearably awkward – a feeling that had never been felt between them in this capacity. Y/N's grip tightened around the glass in her palms, eyes unfocused as they stared at the distorted image through the water. It wasn’t until after agonising moments of silence that Jungkook finally made a noise, pulling Y/N from her trance.

“Umm… I… I don’t really know where to begin, and… and there's a lot that I have to say but my head’s kinda frazzled right now so-so this’ll probably be all over the place, but please just hear me out,” Jungkook stumbled, gulping down water to try and retain his sanity.

Y/N slowly nodded, heart twinging at the authenticity that laced Jungkook's voice. So much of her wanted to shut him down and walk away, but this was the Jungkook that she knew. This was the Jungkook that cared about her more than anything in the world – this was the Jungkook that would never even think about hurting her.

At least, she hoped.

And so as much as it terrified her about what he might say, she had to at least give him a chance to speak.

Jungkook's head felt like static – a tangled mass obscuring the words he was trying to form, each letter grating against his throat in their attempt of freedom. He chugged more water down, anxiety and avoidance melding into one as his nails nearly drew blood from his palms.

“I…” he finally started, eyes shutting as he mustered all his strength. “I know that what I'm going to say sounds like a massive lie and that you probably won't believe me, I mean I wouldn’t believe me either. But I promise you, everything I'm going to tell you is the truth, and you have to promise me that you'll let me finish what I have to say before you say anything.”

Y/N hesitantly gave a hum of approval, prompting Jungkook to continue.

“I was at an award show yesterday. Before the show started, Sana came up to me and said that she had something to tell me. She… she said that last year… she was the one who sent you those messages.”

Y/N's head shot up, staring at Jungkook in confusion.

“I know it sounds ridiculous and like I'm making up excuses, but I swear to God that I'm telling the truth. I don’t know exactly what she wrote, all I have on my phone is the message you sent saying that you hate me and never want to see me again. I don’t know what horrible things she said to you, but I never wanted to break up with you,” Jungkook said firmly, looking straight into Y/N's eyes, “you have to believe me when I say that.”

“W-why would she do something like that?” Y/N whispered, eyes darting around as she tried grasping this new information.

“She… she wanted more publicity,” Jungkook answered almost shamefully. “I used to let her stick around me and get photographed because I was always so grateful for everything she had done for me, but after we started dating it felt weird and made me uncomfortable so I kept my distance. But she didn’t like that, and she was struggling to support her family due to the lack of publicity, so she somehow made the twisted connection that if we broke up I would let her hang around me again so her name would get out more and she’d make more money.”

“That… that doesn’t even make any sense… How do you even get to that conclusion?” Y/N replied, bile rising up her throat.

“I don’t know. I don’t know,” Jungkook mumbled, head hanging as he blinked away the tears.

“How did she even find out though? All the things she said, they were things we said when we fought. Did you tell her?”

“No! I never told her anything.”

“Then how?”

“After I left,” Jungkook wavered, guilt rising in his cheeks as he thought back to how he acted back then, “I basically locked myself up in my room for days. I hadn’t told anyone what had happened, and I wasn’t doing so well. Eventually Namjoon got sick of it and essentially cornered me when we were at a company event. I told him everything that had happened, but Sana was outside and overheard everything. I accidentally left my phone in the room when I got called by the stylist, and I guess that’s when she decided to do… that.”

Y/N sighed, hands quivering as she pushed the hair out of her face, breathing heavy.

“I was going to call you that day,” Jungkook whispered after moments of silence. “After I told Namjoon what happened he basically ripped my head off and told me how much of an idiot I was. He explained what I did wrong and how much I had messed up and it was only then that I really started understanding your point of view. I just didn’t get why you were angry until then. I was going to call you as soon as the event finished because I wanted to be able to talk to you properly and not just rush through an apology, but I was too late. Sana had already sent those messages and when I got my phone to call you all I saw was that message saying you hated me. I tried calling you, but I think you had already blocked me by that point. God, if only I hadn’t been so stupid,” he scoffed bitterly. “I should’ve apologised earlier.”

“Why,” Y/N gulped, pushing to keep the contents of her stomach down, “why now? After so long, why would she tell you now?”

“At the award show… she overheard me fighting with Namjoon.”

“You… you fought with Namjoon?” Y/N asked in astonishment, never once in her time knowing them having seen them even raise their voices at each other.

“Y-yeah,” Jungkook replied guiltily. “This whole year I've basically been a mess. I haven’t been looking after myself properly and I ended up pushing everyone away and hardly speaking to them. I… I called you. Every single night I called you even though I knew you weren’t going to pick up, and Namjoon… he was so worried about me. He had had enough and told me that I needed to stop acting like I was and actually do something like come visit you instead of just complaining all the time. He was telling the truth, of course, but I didn’t want to hear it because it hurt. He was terrified that I was going to completely fall apart and he wouldn’t be able to help me this time, but instead I just told him that he wasn’t my real brother.”

“You… what? How could you say something like that? Namjoon loves you so much, anyone with half a brain cell can see that,” Y/N said, skin crawling at the thought of how hurt Namjoon must have felt hearing those words.

“I know… I realised what I said immediately and apologised, but obviously he was still hurt. The damage had already been done.”

“Why? Why would you even say something like that in the first place?”

“I don’t know. I think I just get so upset and angry that I want everyone else to feel the way I do.”

“Yeah, that seems like a bad habit of yours,” Y/N spat, toes digging into the rug as her mind so kindly reminded her of all the things Jungkook had said to her.

“Y-yeah…” Jungkook answered, not even attempting to deny it.

“So,” Y/N eventually started after what felt like hours of uncomfortable silence. “Is that why you came here? Is that everything you wanted to say?”

“I… I came because I wanted you to know the truth. I wanted you to know that it wasn’t me who sent you those messages, and that I never wanted to break up with you.”

“Well… thanks for letting me know,” Y/N answered placing the glass on the table and standing up out of her seat.

“Wait!” Jungkook called, fear spiking at seeing Y/N leaving without him properly apologising to her.

She paused in her step, reluctantly turning back to perch on the arm rest of the sofa. “What?”

“I still… I still haven’t apologised,” Jungkook said desperately, fingers wringing themselves together in distraction. “I didn’t realise it then but I was being selfish when I asked you to move to the city with me. I was so excited about the idea of us being together all the time that I completely disregarded what you might have wanted and what was best for you at the time. Although it was never my intention I ended up making it seem like your opinions or your career weren’t as important as mine, and I'm so sorry for that. I also shouldn’t have made you feel like you had to choose between me and your grandparents, that wasn’t fair of me. I know I said horrible things about them, and I will honestly regret that for the rest of my life, but I really do love your grandparents too. They're my family. And thinking about it, I think I get why it was so hard for me to see why you said what you said.

Growing up, I never had a family that cared. I don’t know what it’s like to do whatever you can to look after your family and make sure they're happy because my family didn’t love each other. They didn’t even like each other. My parents were constantly at each other’s throats and my brother left and never looked back the moment he got a chance. The only people that ever cared were Namjoon's family and they were always the ones looking after me and making sure that I was okay. But I never had to do that to anyone. I never even had to think about making a sacrifice to make someone else happy. But I get it now, and I'm so sorry that it took me this long. I shouldn’t have run away. I should’ve stayed and talked it out with you and then none of this would have ever happened. I shouldn’t have waited so long to apologise, and I should’ve come to see you as soon as I got that message.”

“Why didn’t you?” Y/N asked, voice breaking. “If all you saw was that one message, why didn’t you come see me? Didn’t you want to find out what happened? Were you not even a little bit curious?”

“I was too scared,” he answered truthfully. “After everything I had done, I think deep down I felt like I deserved you hating me and breaking up with me. Seeing that message hurt, but it would’ve hurt more having you say it in person. I guess that’s why I kept making excuses and avoided coming here this whole time, because what if I saw you in person and you told me to my face that you never wanted to see me again? I don’t think I could have handled that.”

“But what if Sana never told you the truth? Then you never would have known. What would you have done then?”

“Honestly? I don’t know. I can only hope that I would’ve come to my senses eventually.”

“So what now?”

“That’s up to you,” Jungkook replied solemnly. “I said everything I had to say, and now it’s up to you to decide. I hurt you a lot, and I've spent far too long putting the blame on everyone but myself. Whatever it is that you choose to do, I won't resent you for it.”

Y/N turned her head to face the wall, not wanting Jungkook to see the tears welling in her eyes. She sat for a few moments, contemplating what it was that she actually wanted. She eventually stood up and walked to get her bag near the front door, heart dropping at the sight of Jungkook's distraught face in her periphery, and returned to the living room. Much to Jungkook's relief she sat back down on the sofa, digging her phone out of her bag and opening her messages app. Although hesitantly at first, she held her phone out to Jungkook, motioning for him to take it.

��Do you… do you want to see what she sent?”

It took a few seconds before Jungkook registered her words, hand jolting forward once he realised what she had said. He remained standing as he read through the messages, bile crawling up his chest as he tried processing the words. Seeing his body start to tremble, Y/N moved to the side, leaving a space for Jungkook to sit. Plunging into the seat without much thought, tears dripped onto his lap as his hand covered his mouth, so disgusted by what he was seeing that he felt as though all of the contents of his stomach were about to end up on the floor.

“I-I would-” never, he wanted to say, but he couldn’t. These messages were all based on things he had said, so what right did he have to say that he would never say something like that? Because he did. He did, and now he had to deal with the consequences.

“You know, I didn’t know what to think when I first got those messages,” Y/N said simply, eyes lingering on her nails. “I was hurt and angry, but I was also confused. ‘My Jungkook would never say something like that’. That’s what I kept telling myself, but then I remembered that you had said that. Perhaps not all of those things, but enough of them. It felt like I was in a haze. Everything was blurry and I had no idea what was going on, it was like I was just moving on autopilot.

But after everything, I felt so lost. It’s like I was constantly fighting with my head, you know? I hated you so much, but I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I read every article about you and watched every movie and interview and convinced myself that you were hurting too, just like me. I think that’s why I came over every week to water your plants and clean. At first I told myself that is was because your plants did nothing wrong and that they shouldn’t have to die for something they had no fault in, but somewhere along the line it evolved to me just hoping that maybe one day you would come back and see that your home was still waiting for you. That maybe you would finally come back home and see that nothing had changed.”

“Has… has it changed?”

“Yeah, it has,” Y/N answered straightforwardly. “But I can only hope that it was for the best. Somehow.”

“If part of you believed that I wouldn’t say those things, why didn’t you come see me?”

“I was terrified. As much as I might have wanted to believe you wouldn’t say those things, I still didn’t know for sure. What proof did I have? You threatened to completely ruin my family if I so much as even tried contacting you. That wasn’t a risk that I was going to take. Besides, it’s the same as what you said – I didn’t know what I would do if I saw you and you said all that to my face. It would completely break me. Hoseok was sick of me to be honest. He hated the fact that I refused to go and talk to you, but that I obsessively watched everything of yours and kept holding on to our relationship by a fraying thread.”

“Does he hate me? Hoseok.”

“I don’t know. He definitely doesn’t like you right now, and he hates the way you behaved, but I don’t think he actually hates you.”

“And… and your grandparents? They must hate my guts after everything I said about them,” Jungkook winced, curling at the reminder of the things he had said.

“I never told them,” Y/N confessed. “I told them that we broke up because you got too busy with work and couldn’t keep up with everything, and that alone was enough for them to try and convince me to move to the city with you. Can you imagine how hurt they would’ve been if I actually told them the truth? It would’ve destroyed them. They really miss you, you know. At first they kept asking to speak to you because even if we weren’t together they still wanted you to be a part of their lives, but after a while they realised that it was never going to happen and they stopped asking. I still hear them talking about you sometimes when they think I can't hear them. They really, really love you. Regardless of what happens between us, if I could ask you one thing it would be to please keep in touch with them, even if it’s just a couple of phone calls a year.”

“O-of course,” he jumped, wanting nothing more himself. “I would love to still be a part of their lives, if… if they would let me.”

“Thank you,” Y/N smiled forlornly. “They'd really love that.”

“What… what about you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Would… would you want me to be a part of your life again?” Jungkook posed tentatively, blood rushing in his ears at the possible answer.

Y/N took a deep breath, air catching in her lungs. “I don’t know,” she said plainly. “I want to, especially now that I know you never actually wanted to break up with me.”

“…But?”

“But… I'm scared. There's no way things will be exactly the same as they were before, not after how long it’s been and everything that’s happened. So much has changed since then,” she tagged on faintly.

“Isn't that good though? We clearly didn’t know how to deal with stuff back then, at least I didn’t know how to deal with anything,” Jungkook scorned resentfully. “But I'm trying. I'm suddenly realising a lot of things that I never realised before, and I'm trying. If things have changed, isn't that a good thing?” He implored.

Y/N took a number of deep breaths, brain wrangling with itself for whether she should speak or not, before finally opening her mouth. “C-can I ask you something?”

“Of course. Anything.”

“Did you mean what you said before?” She questioned cautiously. “In your speech… you said that you only recently realised how you had been taking the people that cared about you for granted and that you'd become selfish. Did you mean that?”

“Yeah, I did,” he replied sincerely.

“Why? Why at the awards show in front of all those people?” Y/N prodded.

“I don’t know, it just sort of came out, I guess,” Jungkook answered truthfully, too fatigued from the constant rollercoaster he had been put through today to be anything but. “I was feeling all sorts of emotions and it got to a point where I couldn’t hold it in anymore and it all tumbled out. I also kinda hoped that you would be watching to be honest, that maybe you would see and realise that I was sorry and didn’t actually mean to hurt you. When it comes down to it though, I just didn’t want to hide anymore. I'm sick of pretended to be okay when I'm not. I'm sick of smiling on camera and acting like I'm happy when I'm not. For once, I want to say that I'm happy and actually mean it. And I did, when I was with you,” he added softly, words slow and poignant. “When I was with you, I was genuinely the happiest I've ever been in my life. And then I messed up and went back a million steps and it felt like I would never be able to move forward again. But I'm trying now. I'm trying so hard to move forward, whatever that means.

Look, I know I said and did a lot of things that I shouldn’t have, and that I hurt you and your family so, so deeply, and I wouldn’t blame you if after all this you never want to see me again. If it’s really what you want, I’ll sell this house and go back to the city and never bother you again. But if you're willing to give us a chance again, I promise you that I will do whatever it takes to prove to you how much I truly love you and that I want what’s best for us, except I’ll do it properly this time. You're my sunrise, Y/N, I still believe that with all of my heart.”

Y/N sobbed, face soaked in tears as her breath rattled in her ribs. She loved him. Despite everything that had happened, she still loved him so much, and she knew that she always would. In the past year she had spent a lot of time thinking about her future and what it would now be with Jungkook not in her life, but as hard as she tried she just couldn’t do it. Every scenario felt wrong and incomplete, and no matter how hard she tried there was no outcome she was content with that didn’t involve Jungkook.

And so now as she sat here with Jungkook by her side, body exhausted after having gone through every emotion possible, she knew that there was never really another option. Jungkook was such an integral part of her life, and she couldn’t fathom even imagining a future without him. It would take a lot of work, she knew that for sure, but it would be worth it. If it meant spending the rest of her life with Jungkook – her best friend and soulmate – then it would all be worth it.

“C-can I hold y-your hand?” She whimpered, relief flooding through her veins once Jungkook's hand was clasped tightly between hers, pressed firmly to her forehead as she whimpered. “I missed you,” Y/N whispered, words so faint Jungkook hardly registered them. “I missed you so, so much. I tried so hard to let you go but I could never stop thinking about you. Every day. Every single day I thought about you. Everywhere I went, everything I did, everything reminded me of you. When you left… I lost my best friend that day too, and I'm so scared that I’ll lose you again. I can't go through that again, Jungkook, I won't be able to take it.”

“I am so sorry,” Jungkook whispered, tentatively putting his other arm around Y/N and pulling her closer, only holding her tighter once he felt her curl into his embrace. “I'm so sorry, Y/N, I never meant for any of this to happen. I can't go back and change what’s already happened, but I promise you that I'm not leaving you again.”

“But what if you do?”

“You just have to trust me,” Jungkook pleaded. “Do… do you trust me?”

Y/N didn’t speak for a few moments, only the sounds of her heavy breathing filling the silence. “I want to,” she finally answered. “I want to believe, but I think it'll take me time. I want us to try and be together again, but it’s not possible to just go back to how things were before. It hurt too much to just forget all of that in an instant.”

“We can take it slow,” Jungkook responded. “We can take as long as you need.”

Y/N gave a small nod, pressing further into Jungkook's chest as his soft embrace enveloped her in warmth, a feeling she had missed so desperately. “Where do we begin?”

“From the beginning,” Jungkook suggested, eyes meeting with Y/N's as she sat back up. “Let’s go the bookshop.”

“Now?”

“Yeah, if you're okay with that.”

Her lips scrunched to the side as she thought it through, smile softly growing as memories of their first encounter came back.

☽ ☼ ☾

Jungkook felt his heart trill as the door opened and the bell chimed, excitement buzzing through his veins as he entered the place that felt like an extension of his soul. “I missed this place,” he said in admiration, fingers running along the shelves.

It felt like nothing had changed – like this shop was their own little bubble where nothing went wrong, like it was a sacred place in which their glass hearts had never been fractured. It still hurt, and he was still angry at everything that had happened, but glancing over to seeing Y/N behind the front desk rummaging through the lollipop jar made his heart swell with joy and relief, because no matter what happened, he was lucky enough to have her now, and he was never going to let go of her again.

“Lollipop?” She called, eyes twinkling with that mischievous look of hers he had missed so much.

“What flavour is it?”

“Asparagus and apricot.”

“Why do the flavours progressively get weirder each time?”

“I dunno, my supplier’s branching out I guess.”

Chuckling in disbelief, he sauntered towards her and took the lollipop from her hand. “Which one are you going to have?” He asked as he began peeling the wrapper off.

“Hmm… maybe this one?” She wondered, lifting up a lollipop with an off-white wrapper and blue speckles that had ‘Blue Cheese & Garlic’ plastered across it.

“You are absolutely vile,” Jungkook gagged in disgust, face souring at the thought of its taste.

“Oh please, it’s not that bad,” she retorted, cheek bulging from the sphere pushed to the side.

The soles of her shoes pattered across the wooden flooring as she made her way to the plush sofa, exhaling as she sunk into the seat. Jungkook soon came to join her, warmth blooming in his chest as his eyes traced the soft constellations dotted across her face.

“How have you been?” She suddenly asked, sight trained straight towards the towering shelves on the opposite walls. “Like… this past year… how have you actually been?”

“Oh. Well I guess it depends on who you ask. Career-wise it’s been really good,” Jungkook answered honestly as he swirled the lollipop around his mouth, lips beginning to stain a subtle orangey-green. “The training process for ‘Awakening’ was incredible and I got to work with some really amazing people, and the actual filming was a lot of fun too. People seemed to really like the film so I was invited to loads of shows and I had a lot of interviews and photoshoots, but it wasn’t like it used to be where I did it all because I thought I had to. I definitely took things more slowly and only took on stuff that I actually thought I would want to do. I focused on my work and didn’t waste my time on social events or people that weren’t necessary or of interest to me, which was a massive improvement from how I used to be.”

“My personal life, on the other hand,” Jungkook sighed, “was definitely down in the gutter. At first I was a wreck. I was miserable and I couldn’t bring myself to leave my bed more than once or twice a day. I hardly ate and all I could do was cry and call you over and over again like I was possessed. Namjoon was right in that taking this film on and training so intensively would be good for me and take my mind off things, and for a bit maybe it did, but I just couldn’t let you go. It was as if my heart was slowly turning into a black hole and ripping everything around me to shreds. I slowly stopped answering calls and messages and always made stupid excuses for not meeting up with people, even though Namjoon was the one who made my schedules and knew better than anyone that I had time.

But still, he never pushed me to do anything I didn’t want to do. He was upset that I stopped going to therapy because it had helped me so much before, but I think a twisted part of me stopping for that reason. I wanted to punish myself. I wanted to hurt and prove that I was such a poor soul with a tortuous life, and I wanted the people around me to hurt just as much as I was. That’s the thing about humans, I've realised – we have this sick affinity for self-destruction. We poison our minds and burn our own bridges and then cry about how lonely and in pain we are. But to the world it was as if I was better than ever. After all these years I had finally perfected my act. I started spending more time with my co-workers and giving them the illusion that I was letting them in, but it was a perfectly crafted veil that kept them at a safe distance, because after all ‘everyone I love leaves me anyway’,” Jungkook scoffed bitterly. “I pushed away the people that actually cared about me and kept everyone else at an arms-length away and then pitied myself for having no one. There’s a lot I need to do to even begin sorting out the mess I've made, and I have a lot of apologising to do to a lot of people. It’s only been a few days since I even came to this realisation but I keep worrying that it’ll never be enough and that I've ruined everything forever, and I can't even be sad about it because it’s all my fault.”

“You’ve made a start though,” Y/N said gently, “and that’s more than enough. Besides, it’s not fair to say that everything’s your fault.”

“Isn't it though?”

“Mmh-mmh,” she tutted in denial. “You did what you thought was the right thing, just like I did what I thought was right. And you know, maybe in another time it would’ve been, it just wasn’t what was right in that moment. It’ll probably take time for things to be normal with Namjoon and everyone again, but they're your family. They love you and only want what's best for you, so I wouldn’t sweat it too much. Just give them a bit of time and everything’ll be okay again.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because you're one of the most wonderful people I've ever met, and you'd have to be mental to not want you in your life.”

Jungkook's lip quivered at her words, realising how lucky he was to have created his own family. His blood-family may never have given him the love and respect he deserved, but this family he had so preciously held close to his heart showered him with more than he could ever ask for.

It had taken him his whole life to fully accept it, but he didn’t need his birth family. They had done nothing to earn his respect, so why did he have to revolve his whole life around them and wondering what could have been? They didn’t deserve that. He didn’t deserve that. How much longer was he going to make himself suffer for the wrongdoings of the people that were meant to protect him? How much longer until he finally, finally let go and allowed himself to be happy?

God, all he wanted was to be happy. All he wanted was to be at peace and live his life with the people he loved. He didn’t want to live as the person whose family left no stone unturned in trying to destroy him. He didn’t want to live as the person who spent a lifetime trying to prove to the world that he was worthy.

He just wanted to live.

A soft hand perching on his own broke him out of his trance, delicate fingers caressing his bitten fingertips.

“Please don’t be too hard on yourself. You're human too, Jungkook. You're allowed to make mistakes, just like everyone else. The difference is that you actually have the courage to recognise that you made those mistakes and not only apologise, but actively try and make things right.”

“I… I don’t want to be like them,” Jungkook confessed shakily. “I'm terrified that one day I’ll look in the mirror and see my parents looking back at me. I'm terrified that one day I’ll wake up and I’ll be back in that house as that scared little boy that was afraid of everything. I don’t want to be like them.”

“Jungkook, look at me,” Y/N said firmly as she took his face in her hands and turned him towards her. “You are not your parents, okay? Sharing blood with them means nothing – you are your own person and are nothing like them. You are so kind and caring and loving and have so much to offer this world. Those people just gave birth to you, that’s it. They didn’t raise you and they're not your family. Your family is whoever you want it to be, and no one can take that away from you.”

“Yeah, I guess you're right,” Jungkook sniffled as he wiped away his tears with the back of his hand, a weary smile of relief gracing his face. “But enough about me. How have you been?” He asked back, placing his hands over hears and bringing them back down to his lap.

“Honestly? Probably better than you, but still not that great. I hated lying to my grandparents about what happened, and to be honest I don’t know if I ever will tell them the truth, but I just couldn’t bring myself to put them through that. Their health has been getting worse, you know? We’ve had to take a number of trips to bigger cities for different hospital appointments. They stopped being able to work as long hours so Hoseok started splitting his shifts and helping out at the hotel. It’s been really tough having to work such long hours, but more than that I'm so scared of what will happen to them. I know that they won't be around forever, and I know that everyone has to grow old and leave at some point, but it never really felt real until this year.”

“I'm sorry I wasn’t there for you,” Jungkook said solemnly, fingers wrapping around hers.

“No, don’t be. There's nothing you could’ve done anyway. It’s not like I was there for you either,” she pouted.

“Still…”

Y/N shook her head in disagreement, tightening her hold of his hands as she looked directly at him. “The important thing is that we’re both here now. All we can do is try and figure things out together.”

☽ ☼ ☾

The sound of his shoes tapping under the table resounded in Jungkook's ears, skin raw from being bitten in anticipation of what today involved. They had decided that Jungkook would talk to Hoseok and Y/N's grandparents and tell them that the two of them were wanting to try and work things out. He knew that her grandparents most likely wouldn’t be angry at him, but knew for a fact that he minute he saw their faces he would be overcome with immense guilt for all of the cruel things he had said about them. He could only hope that he kept it together and made sure they knew how much he truly respected and adored them.

Hoseok, on the other hand, was going to be a different story. He knew the full story and would have no hesitation in ripping Jungkook to shreds for his behaviour, not that he didn’t deserve it. It would be much harder to convince him that this was a good idea and that Jungkook didn’t have bad intentions.

“Here,” Y/N said as she set the plate down in front of him, “you might want to eat something before you talk to them.”

Jungkook nodded before picking up his spoon, heaping the eggs onto the toast and manoeuvring it into his mouth. Oh how he had missed Y/N's cooking.

“Good?” She asked with a smile, relieved to see him enjoying himself.

She had been worried last night that he might end up being overwhelmed and run away again, but when he messaged her this morning saying that he was ready to come over, she knew that things were going to be different from now.

“I'm nervous,” Jungkook confessed, wiping his fingers on the tissue once he was done. “I feel bad for lying to them.”

“Me too,” Y/N sighed, “but I do think it’s for the best. Telling them exactly what happened won't do anything but cause them more pain and guilt than they already feel. Maybe in the future we can tell them what happened, but for now I think the kinder thing do is to tell them a vaguer version. That way we aren’t lying to them, but we’re also not telling them every single detail.”

“Mmh,” Jungkook nodded, knowing that this was a decision that only Y/N had the right to make.

☽ ☼ ☾

He knew from what Y/N had told him that her grandparents had missed him a lot, but what he wasn’t expecting was for them to pull him into a tight embrace once Y/N had told them that the two of them were wanting to work things out between them and be together again.

“I’ll leave you guys to talk,” Y/N said as she made her way to the front desk, leaving the rest of them to go back into the house.

He didn’t know where to begin. For a while he just let the steam from the tea warm his face, the clinking of the cups on the table the only sound resonating in the air. “I'm sorry,” he eventually settled for, shame and guilt shrouding his words as they crawled past his lips. It wouldn’t be possible to tell them exactly what he was sorry for, not right now at least, but he hoped that somehow this would be enough to convey how he truly felt.

“What happened between you two?” Y/N's grandma asked, voice quivering in concern. “You both seemed so happy, and then you just suddenly disappeared and Y/N wouldn’t talk about you anymore.”

“I'm sorry,” Jungkook repeated, head hung in the gallows. “I never planned for it to happen like this. It just… did. It… last year… everything was getting to be too much for me. I was getting so caught up with work and the fact that I was handling it better that it started taking over everything and even though I didn’t mean to, it became more of a priority than our relationship. The sad thing is that I didn’t even realise it until Y/N eventually called me out on it, but I had too much pride to see it. Y/N wanted to talk and work it out, but I was too much of a coward and so I ran away and avoided the problem until it became too big to fix. The thought that our relationship wasn’t as perfect as I had made it out to be in my head was a big slap in the face because I had truly thought that my life was going perfectly at the time. That realisation was such a shock to my system that instead of facing the issue and solving it I just wallowed in my misery and ran away from the problem.”

“Then why now?” Y/N's grandpa questioned, expression stony. “It’s been so long. Why now?”

“I've had a lot of conversations and a lot of realisations lately. I'm ashamed that it took me this long but I know now that Y/N is more important to me than anything else. Sure, my work is important to me, but it means nothing if I don’t have Y/N by my side. I love her. I love her so much and I know that I've let you all down, but I promise you that I will do whatever it takes to prove that I have no intention of leaving her side again. For as long as she wants me, I’ll be here for her.”

“I don’t think we need to tell you how important Y/N is to us,” her grandpa answered, Jungkook nodding in agreement. “We've been through a lot, as a family, but that girl has gone through more pain than one person deserves to go through alone. She gives too much and she loves even more. All she’s ever done is put other people before herself, and it worries us. She’s spent her whole life living for us but we won't be around forever. Once we’re gone… it terrifies me what might happen to her. When you came into her life it brought us so much relief because for the first time she had a friend. She had someone to talk to and rely on. She had someone who loved her as much as she loved other people. She was happy, Jungkook, and we had never seen her like that before, not since before her parents died. But then you left and just like that the spark in her eyes was gone. We knew she was trying to hide it so we never pushed too much, but she was completely heartbroken. Her heart is so delicate; so fragile and precious. Can you look after her once we’re gone? Can you keep her safe and stay by her side no matter what? Can you give her the love and the life that she deserves? Can you hold her heart in your hands and treat it as if it’s the most precious thing to have ever existed? Jungkook, I want to trust you. I want to believe you when you say that this time you'll stay, but what if you don’t?”

“I will,” Jungkook choked, head curled to his knees as cries rattled his chest. “I will, I will, I will. Please believe me. Please.”

The two of them moved to sit either side of him, hands running through his hair and stroking his back.

“Oh, sweetheart,” she called, lips gently pressing to the back of his head. “We believe you.”

“Please,” Jungkook begged once more, shaking hands trapped between chest and thighs.

“Honey, listen to me,” she said softly, “you're our kid just as much as she is. All we want is for the both of you to be happy, whatever that takes. You deserve to be happy just as much as she does. Your heart deserves to be treated with as much care as hers does. Whatever it takes for the both of you to be happy, we’ll do it. We’ll be here for both of you, no matter what.”

Jungkook nodded, head leaning onto her lap as his fingers curled tightly into her clothes. He felt as if he was a child again, laying like this – frame as small as he could make it and curled as tightly into himself as possible.

His mind searched for any memory he could find of his mother holding him this way, holding him any way, but he came up short. The only memories he had of her touching him were when she pushed him away, pure venom piercing his skin. But she must have loved him at some point… right? There must have been at least one day where she felt some sort of affection for him? Or was her heart filled with hatred for him the moment he was conceived?

He remembers Namjoon's mother holding him like this for some time. When he was younger and he was upset he would often sneak over into their house and wrap himself tightly in her arms, praying to whatever high power was out there that she could be his real mother. But as time went on and he realised that his actual mother would never allow that to happen, that she would rather hurl every insult under the sun before giving up her pride and letting Jungkook be adopted, he tried distancing himself.

He hated that Namjoon's parents were constantly insulted because of him, hated that he could never truly be theirs. He wanted to call them his own parents, God knows that they were the only ones who actually raised him, but it hurt every time he tried because it just reminded him of what he could never have. So as much as he still loved them and treated them like family, he was never able to allow himself to fully give his whole heart to them. But he was so tired now. He didn’t want to let his birth parents ruin his life even more than they already had.

Namjoon's parents were his parents too, and it was time he finally started acting like it. And he had Y/N's grandparents too. They had always treated him with so much love and respect, and they were so important to him.

They remained like that for some time, his breathing slowly coming to a calm until he had enough energy to sit up again.

“Your tea’s probably all cold now, I’ll go warm it up for you, hmm? Might as well get some sugar in you while I'm at it,” she smiled, making her way into the kitchen.

“I'm sorry, I didn’t mean to cry like this” Jungkook mumbled to Y/N's grandpa, sniffling and wiping the tears away with the back of his hands.

“You should never apologise for being human,” he responded, hand patting Jungkook's knee. “There's nothing stronger than showing your emotions.”

☽ ☼ ☾

Y/N eyed Jungkook up and down when he finally came back out, head motioning to question why it took so long. Before he could even answer her grandparents came out, pushing the two of them out of the door so that Y/N could go to work.

“Is… did everything go okay?” She asked carefully, noticing the swelling around his eyes and nose.

“Yeah… yeah, everything went well. It was just… a lot of emotions all at once,” he confessed.

“But you're okay?”

“Yeah, everything’s good now. Your grandparents were great, just as I expected.”

She chuckled at that, smile reaching her eyes. “Yeah, they're pretty wonderful. But, are you sure you want to talk to Hoseok today, then? We both know that that conversation won't be as easy as it was with my grandparents”

“No, I want to do it today,” Jungkook replied firmly.

“Are you sure? You don’t have to push yourself.”

“I know, but I want to do it. I'm only here for a few days before I have to go back and I'd rather clear everything up as soon as I can. Besides, it already took me so long to get here, I don’t want to avoid it any longer.”

“I guess…”

The rest of the walk continued in silence, neither one of them knowing quite what to say. Jungkook's eyes kept glancing towards Y/N's hand as she walked slightly ahead of him. He wanted nothing more than to grab her hand and hold it tightly like he always used to, but there was too much scar tissue to cut through still. The only reason they even held hands or hugged yesterday was because they were so emotionally charged, both knowing that they needed the reassurance that there was a chance for things to be okay again.

But right now, when there was nothing holding them together, he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t just reach over and wrap his fingers around hers. But oh how he wanted it – so, so badly. And maybe today wasn’t that day, and maybe tomorrow wouldn’t be either; but he hoped that one day there wouldn’t be any doubt between them, and that they would share the same heart once again.

The sudden collision with Y/N's back jolted him out of his thoughts, only just realising as he looked up that they had arrived at the bookshop. “S-sorry, I zoned out,” he mumbled.

“It’s fine,” she answered, smile fading as she looked over her shoulder. “Hoseok doesn’t know anything about what happened yesterday. He has no idea that you're here and he still thinks everything was your fault, so just be prepared for his reaction when he first sees you. It’s probably not going to be pretty.”

Jungkook nodded, body getting restless at the thought of how this might play out. Hoseok's eyes darted to the two of them as the bell signalled their entry, warm greeting rapidly morphing into confusion and then anger.

“What is he doing here?” Hoseok spat, body jolting from behind the desk towards the door.

“Hoseok, listen to me,” Y/N intervened, hands pushing his shoulders back.

“No. He has no right to be here!”

“Please, just listen to me!”

“You better have a good explanation,” he snapped, teeth bared and growl erupting towards Jungkook.

“I do, if you would just listen,” Y/N pleaded, body pushing against Hoseok to guide him towards the back room. “Jungkook,” she called back to him, “it’s probably best if I did this alone. I’ll call you when you can come back.”

“O-of course,” he answered, giving Hoseok one last skirting look before leaving the shop, hoping that Y/N would be able to calm Hoseok down and explain the situation.

It was weird, walking through these streets again. He had hardly been able to take it all in last night, but now, in the sunlight, it was weird. So much time had passed since he was last here; it felt as though everything was the same yet completely different all at the same time. These brick walls that had stayed for countless generations – how many memories did they hold? How many stories have they told? Each crack that splintered the bricks – how did it get to that point? So much of Jungkook and Y/N's story was written in these streets, and it just felt weird to be back in a place that looked the same despite the fact that everything had changed.

He had managed to wander around the area twice by the time he felt his phone buzz in his pocket, Y/N telling him that he could come back now. He hesitantly pushed the front door open, eyes scanning the place to see only Y/N at the front desk. “H-how did it go?”

“Alright, I guess. I told him most of what happen and he agreed to at least speak to you.”

“That’s a relief.”

“Hey,” Y/N added as her hand stopped Jungkook's arm, “please be understanding of him. He’ll probably be pretty snappy and hostile, but that’s only because he worries about me. He's the only one who knew how bad things got for me.”

“I know, don’t worry,” Jungkook replied, placing his hand on top of hers in reassurance.

Giving her one last smile, he made his way into the back room, Hoseok suddenly sitting upright in his chair once Jungkook closed the door behind him. The two of them sat in silence for some time, nothing more than swift glances and an air that was so heavy it was asphyxiating.

It was Hoseok who eventually spoke up, eyes flittering back and forth between Jungkook and the floor. “Is… is it true? Everything Y/N said?”

“Y-yeah.”

“So it wasn’t you then? Who sent the messages? It was Sana?”

Jungkook nodded curtly. “I know it sounds ridiculous.”

“Yeah, it does. The only reason I'm inclined to believe it is because Y/N was the one who told me, and she seems to believe you.”

Jungkook nodded once more, throat constricting with nerves.

“She's too good for you, you know that right?” Hoseok said tersely.

“Yeah, I know,” Jungkook replied softly, head hanging in guilt. “I really wasn’t expecting her to take me back, not after everything that happened. I mean, sure Sana was the one who sent the messages, but I was the one that caused the argument in the first place and ran away instead of discussing it like adults.”

“If you didn’t expect her to take you back then why are you here?”

“Because I needed her to know the truth. She deserved that much at least.”

Hoseok sat in silence for a few moments, ruminating on what Jungkook had just said. “You have no idea what it was like,” he eventually spoke, quiet and heavy.

“I know-”

“No. You have no idea what she went through,” he retorted gruffly. “Namjoon, Seokjin, Kyungmin – they were her friends too. They were important to her too. But when you guys broke up whose side did they stay on? Huh?” He glared as Jungkook's mouth froze. “Yours. They're your family Jungkook. No matter how much they care about Y/N they will always side with you because that’s what family does. But where do you think that left Y/N? When you left you took everything from her. Her grandparents have always been the ones she went to whenever she had something on her mind, but she couldn’t even do that this time because she knew that it would break them if they knew what actually happened. The only person she had to talk to was me, and even I couldn’t be there for her all the time. So frequently one of us was working at the hotel and the other here so we hardly got to see each other in person. She was completely alone, Jungkook. All this time whilst you had all of your friends and family around you she was all alone.”

“I'm sorry,” Jungkook whispered, teeth piercing his bottom lip.

“You should be. That’s her biggest problem, you know. She cares too much and loves too much and forgives too easily. But I'm not going to forgive you that easily.”

“I understand. I don’t blame you.”

“I wouldn’t forgive you at all if I had it my way, but seeing Y/N today…” he drifted, sparing a quick glance towards the door.

“W-what do you mean?”

“This whole year it was almost as if she was just… empty. Physically she was there and I knew she was trying her best, but it was like… like she was just drifting. But today… when she walked through that door today she looked like she was alive, and I would do anything to keep it that way. Y/N's my best friend, Jungkook, her and her family have done so much for me that I don’t know if I could ever repay their kindness. I know that it would kill her if I hated you, so I’ll try. For Y/N, I’ll try to forgive you, but it won't be that simple.”

“You were my friend too, you know,” Hoseok whispered after some time, nails digging into his fingers. “When you left I lost a good friend too, and it hurt. I missed you but I couldn’t even do anything about it.”

“I'm so, so sorry Hoseok. For everything. You have to know that,” Jungkook beseeched.

“I do. I'm still hurt, but I know you, and I know that you're trying. Just… just please, give me some time.”

“O-of course,” Jungkook replied, relief spreading across his face. “Thank you, for giving me another chance. Thank you.”

“You better not mess it up this time. You better treat her like she's the most precious person to have ever existed or I will hurt you – and I mean it,” Hoseok said with one last glare.

Despite the threat Jungkook couldn’t help but smile, thankful that someone like Hoseok was always beside Y/N and there for her when she needed it. He was so lucky, Jungkook, so lucky that he had so many good people around him. It hadn’t occurred to him until Hoseok had mentioned it that Y/N had lost her friends as well as Jungkook, and it broke his heart to think about how lonely and helpless she must have felt.

He had already promised her, but he would promise her again and again and again that he would never do anything to make her feel like that again. He had hurt so many people, and he swore that he would make it up to all of them one way or another, no matter how long it took.

Jungkook remained standing when Hoseok walked out, Y/N entering the room not long after.

“Everything okay?” She asked.

“Yeah, yeah I think it went okay.”

“That’s a relief,” she smiled, shoulders visibly relaxing.

“He really cares about you, doesn’t he?” Jungkook posed, taking in the way Y/N stood in relief, an air or peace radiating from her.

“Yeah, he does. I honestly don’t know what I would do without him.”

“He's a really good kid.”

“Yeah, he is. I would give him the world if I could you know – he's such a wonderful person. I'm glad we decided to hire him that day, it was one of the best things I've ever done I think,” Y/N beamed, eyes crinkling in reminiscence.

“I agree.”

Hoseok's hostility towards Jungkook started to fade as the day went on, with him initiating more conversations and sending less piercing stares his way.

“Hey…” Hoseok said carefully as he was leaving for the day.

“Hmm?” Jungkook questioned.

“How… how long are you staying for before you have to go back?”

“Oh, uh… a-a couple more days.”

“Oh, okay... so… I’ll see you tomorrow I guess?”

“Y-yeah sure, see you tomorrow.”

He gave a quick nod before waving at Y/N and closing the door behind him. Jungkook and Y/N looked at each other in shock, eyes flickering back and forth between the other and the door.

“Well,” Y/N said slowly, “I think it’s safe to say that he doesn’t hate you.”

☽ ☼ ☾

The next day followed a similar routine, with Hoseok being more open towards Jungkook and the two of them actively making an effort to rekindle their friendship. With the bookshop being closed for the night, Jungkook and Y/N decided to take a walk around town, just chatting about all of the things they had missed in the past year. The sun was beginning to set as they hopped across a stone wall, giggling as they wobbled and tried maintaining their balance, naturally reaching for each other just like they had always done.

“Where do we go from here?” Y/N asked gently once the air between them had become softer.

“Wherever you want us to go. Whatever choice you want to make, we’ll do it.”

“I can't make all the choices myself, you know. This relationship is more than one person.”

“I know, I just… I don’t ever want you to feel like you're being pressured to do something. I don’t want you to ever feel like you have to choose between me and your family ever again,” Jungkook frowned.

“I know, and I know that that wasn’t ever your intention in the first place, so please stop feeling guilty about it.”

Jungkook simply nodded, unable to conjure the right words to say. “Actually… I needed to talk to you about something.”

Y/N gave a small “hmm?” looking at him questioningly.

“It… it’s about Sana.”

“Oh”

“It’s just… want do you want to do about her?” Jungkook questioned.

“W-what do you mean?” Y/N asked hesitantly.

“I mean given what she did we might be able to take her to court, or at the very least get her kicked out of the company or something.”

“No!” Y/N exclaimed, eyes shocked wide. “I don’t- I don’t want to do that. That’s a horrible thing to do.”

“What do you want to do then?”

“Nothing,” she exhaled. “I just… I want to move on from all of this.”

“Okay, whatever you think is best,” Jungkook agreed. “Actually, I've been meaning to ask you but, how do you feel about everything that happened? Aren’t you angry?”

“I don’t know how to feel, to be honest. I want to be angry, and I think that I am to some extent, but I've already spent so long feeling hurt, I don’t want to waste any more time on negative feelings. I just want to be happy,” she answered earnestly, head hanging low. “I don’t want to be sad anymore.”

“Okay. Okay.” He nodded.

“Are you disappointed in me?” She carefully asked.

“What?” Jungkook asked in surprise. “Why would I be disappointed in you?”

“She hurt you too. I dunno, maybe you want her to be punished,” Y/N mumbled, legs swinging side to side.

Jungkook turned his body to face her, head tilting to see her. “Y/N, listen to me. I'm not disappointed in you, if anything I'm proud of you for being the bigger person and letting this go. But I would also be proud of you if you decided that you wanted to take action, because there's nothing wrong in wanting to stick up for yourself.”

“Even if that involves being mean?”

“It’s not being mean if it’s a direct consequence of her actions. It’s justified.”

“Hmm, I guess,” she contemplated, staring deeply into the water. “But still, I just don’t want anything to do with her. I'd be happier if I never saw her again.”

“Then that’s what we’ll do,” Jungkook replied softly, hand gently placed over Y/N's. “Let’s finally move on.”

☽ ☼ ☾

Jungkook's journey back home was unsettlingly anxious, memories of the last time he left this place shrouding him. It was easier this time, knowing where his relationship with Y/N stood and the promise of her visiting soon to catch up with everyone, but seeing Y/N's figure fade into the distance was something he would never be able to get used to.

There was a part of him that wanted to go directly to Namjoon and Seokjin's house to avoid the harrowing silence of his own home, but he had no idea if he was welcome yet. He had promised Namjoon that he would give him as much time as he needed and he wasn’t about to go back on his word. He figured that it would be alright to talk to him at work, but more than that might be pushing it. Sighing, he changed lanes and made his way home, praying for the day things would be okay again.

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teresa-moyocoyotzin · 4 years ago

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short recap of my thoughts on 5x09

okay so i was gonna rewatch the whole episode and do a blow-by-blow reaction post but i’m not sure i’ll have time and i kinda wanna focus on watching my fave scenes from the show before tonight. also, everyone else’s reaction posts p. much sum up my thoughts lol

nonetheless, i just wanted to give my main takeaways on the episode a week later, in case anyone cares where i’m at going into the finale! gonna go over the things i liked first, anyone who wants to just remain positive and not see any salty takes might wanna just stick to reading the first part b/c i definitely rant a bit at the end lmao. we’re still having a fun time tho 😂

THINGS I LOVED

- i mean... i think we know LOL

- obviously. i loved james and teresa’s i love you scenes, and kisses, and OOF THAT SEX SCENE. if someone had told me we were gonna get that scene back in like 2017??? i probably would have started literally floating. i totally respect that people had very specific ideas of what they wanted out of those scenes and could have different feelings about it but NOT ME BABES I AM ECSTATIC!!! i did go into the episode with a ~feeling~ that we were gonna get at least one ILY in the episode, and i just had a feeling it would be james, or at least that he would say it first. i’ve already explained in my meta about the scenes why i think it makes sense that he said it first and why i love it that he did, so i won’t go into that here. but i went in having really no expectations for it other than that it was gonna happen! i was debating about whether it would happen really casually while they’re talking, or in like a big action scene, or really dramatic or what, and what i would prefer, and i came to the conclusion that i would love it no matter what lol, but i was really into the idea of james just. fucking. saying it. while they’re just talking about something really casually. so therefore i was pretty happy with it when we got sort of a mix! they’re talking about teresa’s insane death trap of a plan so there’s that drama of “i don’t want to lose you esp. not before saying ILY” kinda thing, but it’s also just. so simple and sure! and then teresa’s i love you is like the perfect scene for me where one character is super focused on something else (in this case, trying to protect the woman he loves! agh!) and the other is just like.. i love you!!!! SO GOOD

- let’s see, what the hell else happened in this ep?

- oh okay i really liked james and teresa’s vibes this episode, they were so focused on each other and had this very ride-or-die feeling about them like they knew that each of their plans was increasingly stupid and desperate and might not even get them where they wanna go, but they were IN IT TOGETHER no matter what 😭i wish we had gotten a callback to that line but at this point, i’m p. sure they Know they’re in it together, and we do too. so it’s okay. i love that teresa still asks his input and considers his opinions even if she does her own thing anyways haha

- oh on that note, i LOVED the moment where their plans to kill Kostya aren’t working and Teresa says something like “If I can meet with him in person, I can kill him myself” and James just has this LOOK that just is the epitome of the “I am in love with a women who is DESIGNED TO STRESS ME OUT” meme lol, it made me giggle, v classic QOTS moment

- oh and of course, I LOVED that scene with devon and james at the end!!!!!!!! i was also confused about how james was showing all his emotions in that scene esp. since he tries to be stoic about his feelings for Teresa around Devon, but now that i’ve read a few people’s thoughts about, it i’m fully on board w the theory that james and teresa already knew this was coming, b/c they’re smart, and b/c james knows devon wouldn’t have let him walk away to save Teresa at the beginning of the season without motivation (like having him in place to kill her when she’s no longer useful to the CIA) and THEREFORE james was sort of “overacting” to make it believable to devon (and the audience lol) that he didn’t know this was coming, didn’t want to do it, but felt like he had to, rather than the fact that they were already plotting a fake death. that makes a lot of sense to me and makes me really love all the layers to that scene. it does give me a little bit of hope that the finale ~teresa’s not really dead~ reveal will be at least a little well executed and not just shoved in at the very end. we shall see though!

- alright i think that’s what i loved about the episode, if u don’t wanna hear me bitching about the little things then u should probably stop here!! just have to get out some of my saltiness lol

THINGS I WAS ANNOYED ABOUT

- i’m just gonna get it out of the way, yes, i too was supremely annoyed at the amount of KA and Pote take suburbia; it was all 1000% predictable down to the raccoon and the cookies, and the point could have been accomplished in exactly 1 scene, maybe 2, certainly not like 10 or however many we got. whatever. ugh.

- okay. OKAY. chicho. we need to talk about chicho. i for one, am not mad that he called pote, my boy was stressed. I AM HOWEVER, mad at the writers for making pote come back after saying he trusted chicho to take care of teresa now. like. it totally devalued THE WHOLE THING!! imo, pote shoulda stayed his ass at home where we had to watch him settle all episode, and chicho should have gotten THE HERO MOMENT HE DESERVED (esp. cuz he’s on first name basis w teresa now??) which ALSO WOULD HAVE MADE THE SCENE WHERE TERESA GIVES CHICHO THE DISTILLERY AND THE BAR SO! MUCH! MORE! MEANINGFUL!!!!! or just made it make sense at all? like .... i’m just so confused by that whole plotline like what was the point? chicho does nothing but call pote and gets T’s whole legacy in NOLA?

- and don’t even get me started on how it makes ZERO sense that pote would have had to charge in at the last minute to save teresa when JAMES THE SNIPER W AMAZING AIM WHO IS LITERALLY. IN LOVE WITH HER. is standing outside like. ur telling me james and chicho (who again, is supposed to be her #2 after james now) just stood there like “oh hey pote yeah you go ahead we’ll wait here good luck” like WHAT also.. how did pote get past all the guards that made james stay outside? are we meant to believe pote is that sneaky? y’all. it just. doesn’t make sense. this whole plot situation maddens me more than anythings tbh UGH JUST MAKE IT MAKE SENSE

- oksana’s daughter..... what’s her name again? idk b/c we only MET HER THIS WEEK....okay this amuses me but i’m also annoyed b/c like. there were so many other women who could have taken that spot in the opening sequence... Lil T, Castel, hell even Isabela??? Like idk how they could have done it but they put so much effort into her plot in the first seasons that i really thought she was gonna end up w/ Teresa in the end.. idk that would have been kind cool, Camila’s two “daughters” eventually working their way out of the life together..again idk how they could have realistically done it but i really do wish it had been someone we met before. if it had to be someone new this season, they could have introduced her earlier instead of one of the seemingly dozens of random guys we knew for 1 episode before they died... like.. give her some depth please. is she even gonna be in the finale? honestly she better be after making us listen to pote welcome her into the family... like the family u were supposed to leave so u could have an actual baby pote? the family that’s literally dispersing as we speak? also.. since when did pote love oksana so much anyways? also...... just.. if teresa’s gonna have some sort of daughter figure or whatever she’s supposed to be, wouldn’t it make sense to have her be the one to give the big welcome to the family speech? idk y’all..... i’m amused but also baffled at the sheer lack of planning behind this. did no one realize they needed someone for the opening scene until like. halfway thru the season? did they plan to have it be castel but they couldn’t get her for filming (hence all the weird castel plots?) INQUIRING MINDS WOULD LIKE TO KNOW. it’s whatever tho lol

- i just hope that what’s-her-name gets a lil bit of plot in the finale esp. since otherwise it might just be pote running around being pissy (i don’t actually think that haha but i am a lil nervous that teresa won’t come back until the last few mins and i’ll have to spend all episode looking at boaz and devon and pote and KA.. i haven’t looked at any spoilers tho so i’m still hopeful! i will probably make a post about my hopes going into the finale a lil later, both realistic and unrealistic :)

#ik it's all been said before but i just had to get my feelings out before i could move on to the finale #the finale!!! wow.. crazy shit y'all #qots #queen of the south #jeresa #qots 5x09

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sapiowoman28 · 3 years ago

Text

Chaos Part 2: Cool? How?

Pairing: Haechan x Ally Noona

Genre: friends to lovers au, smut, fluff

Warning: Mentions of sex, but there’s no smut in this part.

Tags: @nctlover94

Note: pls read the rewritten part 1 first

Except for Renjun, they all woke up with hangovers the next day.

“Ha! You fools!” Renjun wriggled his finger judgingly at all of them looking miserable at 2pm in the afternoon, after their next door neighbour decided Saturday was the perfect day to drill stuff into his walls, waking all of them up.

“I can’t believe he’s still drilling!” Haechan whined. “I feel like my head is getting drilled!”

“Next time don’t drink so much!” Renjun nagged.

“What’s a party with no alcohol?” Jaemin pouted. “You need to get as much booze in your system to have the maximum amount of fun.”

“I don’t think having to watch Hendery and Lucas running naked across the lawn counts as fun.” Rejun huffed.

“Oh come on! I won $100 from Yang Yang for being able to convince them to do that in less than 10 minutes!” Haechan protested.

“Mark looked so traumatised,” Jaemin’s girlfriend chuckled as she attempted to stuff some pizza into her mouth.

“Not as traumatised as when he found me in his bed naked with a hot older woman,” Haechan wriggled his eyebrows.

Renjun slapped the back of his head.

“Ow!” Haechan shoved Renjun. “What the hell?”

“I don’t want to know the details, Haechan,” Renjun huffed.

“But I do!” Jaemin’s girlfriend grinned. Jaemin nodded and Renjun looked esaperatedly at them.

“Nothing happened. We had sex. We cuddled. Mark found us when he came to get his expensive bottle of whiskey and threw us out of his room.” Haechan shrugged. “Then she went to hang with her friends and Yang Yang and I thought of something fun to do. And that’s how you saw Lucas and Hendery naked.”

Renjun shook his head.

“Speaking of which, have you asked Yang Yang if he’d like to move in with us? We need to find someone for the spare room you know.” Jaemin said.

Haechan let out a dramatic sigh.

“He refuses to live in the same house as you!” he said dramatically, pointing to Jaemin’s girlfriend, who shrugged. It wasn’t surprising since she once dated Yang Yang but dumped him for Lucas. This was all before she dated Jaemin.

“I’m sure we’ll find someone.” Jaemin said.

“We might even have 2 empty rooms if Jeno keeps staying with his girlfriend.” Renjun sighed.

“If my girlfriend had a house like hers I’d stay there too instead of this junk of a place.” Haechan gesticulated to their crammed abode. “One day, I’ll make so much money, I’ll buy a house we ALL can stay in.”

The guys groaned, having heard this one too many times from Haechan.

“What? Don’t you want to become rich? There’d be so many things you can buy. The cars you could drive, the holidays you could go on...” Haechan defended himself.

“I don’t know about you. But I think you’re still high from the alcohol yesterday.” Jaemin said.

“Surprise!” Haechan said excitedly, uncovering Ally’s eyes.

She looked at the car before her, gleaming in the sunlight, looking all polished and new.

“Wow,” she said. “I didn’t know.”

“Didn’t know what?” he asked.

“That you raced.” she smiled looking at him.

“I don’t.”

“Then why do you need an expensive sports car?” she asked as they got into the car.

Haechan shrugged. “It’s cool i guess?”

“Cool? How? To whom?” she looked at him almost challengingly now.

For once, Haechan had no answers.

“Cool to me.” he finally said as he started the engine. “I want to be proud of what I drive.”

“But you’re still a student. How are you going to pay the car loans?” she asked, increasingly concerned.

“I got some money from investing.”

She almost heaved a sigh of relief. “So the car is fully paid?”

“I got enough for the downpayment and 3 months of instalments.”

She turned to him in shock.

“Haechan! You have to return this car! You can’t afford it!”

“But I’ll lose the down payment!” he whined.

“You can’t afford it!” she repeated, frowning. This date was sure taking a wrong turn.

“I’ll figure something out.”

“Like what?”

“Noona, trust me!” he pouted. She turned to look out the window, in a bit to be more measured with her words. He started to panic slightly. This wasn’t going well.

“You’re upset.” he said, softly.

“I’m not.” she said, equally gently, turning to look at him.. “I’m just… really disappointed.”

He was silent, focussing on the road, taking a right turn into the lane that would bring them to the beach. He really didn’t know what to say.

“Listen.” he finally said. “If you’ve changed your mind about getting to know me, I can understand. I can drop you off back home…”

She sighed, covering his mouth.

“Are you always this dramatic? I still want to know you even though you clearly have no clue what you’re doing with your money.”

He relaxed, wriggling his eyebrows. “You can’t resist this handsome face, can you?”

She burst out laughing.

They watched the sunset together. She made him feel relaxed. She asked him about college, about his family, about his life. He told her as much as he could. Occasionally she dropped little nuggets of information about herself, and he couldn’t believe how much in common they had. The strict upbringing. The rules they had to adhere to as children of religious parents.. The fun they had secretly with their friends. Their lives now.

“I don’t want to be an ordinary person,” Haechan said. “I want to be someone different. Someone people look up to.”

She chuckled.

“What about you, Noona?”

“I just want to live.” she said rather cryptically. He wanted to ask her what she meant, but her phone rang.

“My housemate forgot her house keys.” she said. “I need to go back.”

“Will you go out with me again?”

“I would like that.” she said, smiling. “I want to know everything about you.”

“The funny thing is,” he said, as he touched her cheek. “I feel as if I’ve known you forever.”

The news that Haechan and Ally were dating spread like wildfire, mostly because Haechan insisted on clinging on to her like a love sick puppy. Well, he was mostly there by her side to tease her, but it was also obvious that he had a huge crush on her. And because she was older than him some people found it entertaining to talk about.it. Yang Yang even started taking bets on how long it’d be before Ally would get sick of Haechan’s nonsense and start avoiding him.

“The thing is,” Jeno’s girlfriend May said. “They’re kind of cute together.”

“Oh come on! Haechan has the attention span of a 5 year old!” Renjun huffed. “I’m worried about her getting hurt.”

“I think you should worry about Haechan first. The thing with that car. What was he thinking?” Jeno shook his head. “Someone needs to talk some sense into him.”

“You know,” Jaemin grinned. “I think we found the right person to speak to him.”

They watched as Ally came into the cafeteria with Haechan in tow, teasing her about something she wasn’t very amused about. She glared at him and he smiled sweetly at her, before crushing her in an embrace.

“I feel so sorry for her.” Jeno muttered.

“Me too.” Renjun agreed.

“You guys don’t know what you’re talking about! I see a match made in heaven right there,” May said, clapping her hands.

She was working on her final year project when he visited her in the art studio. She looked happy to see him and got up immediately to plant a kiss on his cheek, since her coursemates had taken a break to go get some snacks and she was alone in the studio for the next 20 minutes at least.

Haechan looked at the painting she was working on. This was just a trial, to see if what she planned would come out good. If it worked, she was going to start on her piece next week.

“It’s beautiful,” he gasped.

“Thanks. I might make some tweaks.” she said, accessing her own work with a critical eye. “I don’t think it’s good enough.”

“What’s good enough?” he asked, clearly not agreeing with her.

She had no answers for him.

“I just feel...it’s not great.” she explained. “I pale in comparison with some of the rest.”

“Noona, what you feel isn’t necessarily reality. You keep saying you’re not good at art. In fact, you said it 3 times in the week I’ve known you. But I know a lot of people like Renjun who think you’re really talented.”

“Haechan…” she sighed. “You don’t understand.”

“What don’t I understand?” Haechan asked.

“I need to keep striving for perfection or I’ll never improve.” she said. “And I really need to do well enough for post grad.”

“Maybe there is a different way to strive for excellence.” he shrugged. “I have to go now. I have a lecture. Think about it, ok?”

She nodded her head, watching him leave after planting a kiss on her forehead. Perhaps he was right. Perhaps she needed a new perspective on things. The past year had been a struggle. She never told anyone. And she was surprised Haechen noticed within a week..

When she first saw him across the room at the party, she could tell he was a smart and lively guy, and despite his initial awkwardness, he was turning out who she expected him to be, perhaps even more. Ok, his choice in automobiles was downright stupid. But beyond that, he was a sharp guy, and that made her more and more attracted to him. He noticed little things about her that she herself didn’t even notice, and the way he looked at her when they sometimes had their serious heart to hearts made her melt.

She just hoped she was able to challenge him to think of looking at things differently like how he was challenging her. She was very sure they were in each other’s lives for a reason, and she was excited to see where things would go.

#lee haechan smut #haechan smut #nct haechan smut #lee donghyuck smut #donghyuck smut #nct dream smut #nct smut #nct dream imagines #nct jaemin #nct jeno #nct renjun #wayv lucas #wayv hendery #wayv yangyang

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mymindwide · 4 years ago

Text

I’m gonna heal you

Pairing: Ashton x Female reader

Word count: 2059

Warning: none, this is full on fluff with one mention of a prevoius sexual encounter.

Summary: Your boyfriend fell sick, and you’ll see a side of him you haven’t before, while you two share cute moments because of it.

Author’s Note: It was written more than a year ago. Again something I didn’t think I’ll post, but here we are. :) (If you bump into any grammar mistakes, I apologise in advance, that’s because english is not my native language.) Nevermind, I hope you’ll enjoy it!

***

You have a very bad habit, but at least you’re getting better and better while practicing it.

For a while now when you wake up earlier than Ashton (which is almost every single day), and give him his morning kiss he doesn’t even notice it, and you like it that way. Whatever body part you can reach – it always depends on what position he’s sleeping in at the moment of your waking. Sometimes it’s one of his cheeks, sometimes a shoulder, his neck, his forehead. You couldn’t explain why it’s so important to you, maybe you’re just weird, and like watching and admiring him while he sleeps. Knowing how hard they work, it just feels good to see him not worrying about anything and just having a well-deserved rest, even for a few hours.

But this morning something didn’t feel right, not like usually. As your mouth gently touched his temple, his skin felt strangely hot against your lips. You knew you should check it again, but the thought itself made you sweat, because you were not sure he wouldn’t wake up this time. But you convinced yourself pretty quickly that it’s for the good of him, and if he runs a temperature indeed, he needs to wake up anyway to take something in as soon as possible.

You leaned back again and pressed your lips against his temple, and then you tried it with the back of your right hand while your left one checked your own forehead for comparison. Miraculously he didn’t wake up, or leastways didn’t show any sign of will to move or open his eyes, his breathing remained steady, although at this point you wouldn’t even care, because he definitely had fever. Murmuring a low “fuck”, you headed for the bathroom to pick up the thermometer and went back with it to the seemingly sleeping boyfriend.

“Sweetie, just keep it there and do not move, please. We have to measure your temperature” you put the thermometer in his armpit.

He muttered something with his eyes still closed, but on one hand, you didn’t understand, on the other hand you left him there to check what medication you have in the bathroom cabinet. You were happy to acknowledge that you were fully prepared for such disasters, albeit since you moved in with him, thankfully, you didn’t even need to open the medicine box.

You had a slight guess about the possible outcome of this fever measurement, therefore with quick steps you ran to the kitchen to make a tea for your newfound patient. Coming back you put the tea on the nightstand and reached for the thermometer to reveal the truth. 102,2 Fahrenheit.

“Double fuck” escaped your lips as you looked at the display of the digital thermometer.

“Do we have to? I’m not feeling too well” came a drawn-out groan from Ashton.

“No shit Sherlock…” but of course this assumption made you smile. “I wasn’t talking about wanting to fuck. I’m talking about you having a fever. 102,2 °F actually.”

“Oh” this seemingly woke him up as he pushed himself up on the bed.

“Whatever you were planning to do today with the guys, it is out of the question now. And take these in” dropping an antipyretic and painkiller pill on his palm you gave him the now not so hot cup of tea you’d made.

“Yeah I guess so. I’ll tell them” he said before swallowing the pills.

“I’ll be here if you need anything” you indicated the living room. “Lay back and try to take a rest or sleep back” you pecked his forehead.

You turned back from the doorway just to look at him once again, and the cutest sight caught hold of your eyes. Or leastwise your sick girlfriend heart considered it cute… he was sitting in the same position you left him a few seconds ago and just stared in front of him, wasn’t even blinking, you could almost see his brain still processing the info that he most likely got sick. End of the world. You felt for him, you really did, but he looked so lost it was cute. He looked adorably useless and that’s certainly something you have not seen him yet.

For you the bright side of the situation is that at least you really can be here and look after him, since last night you could cook while he was out with his friends. In the background you heard him run a shower.

“So much for resting… but at least it’ll help him cool that body temperature down a bit, so after all it’s not a bad idea at all” you thought.

You made yourself comfortable on the couch and already decided you’ll watch a movie that is entertaining enough to switch off your brain for a few hours, and you exactly knew which one is the perfect choice that meets your high expectations and requirements.

While you were considering your options Ash finished with the shower too and joined you in the living room wearing his leisure pants and a clean white t-shirt.

“Is everything okay? I mean besides the obvious.” you tilted your head back against the sofa backrest to look up at him.

“I have a headache and I start feeling my throat.”

“Sounds like the definition of miserable.”

“Right?! Thank you.”

“Would you like to join me?” you smiled at him grabbing a pillow from the couch that you laid on your lap tapping it a few times.

You didn’t have to ask him twice; picking up the plush blanket which is constantly lying at the end of the sofa he laid down, wrapped himself under the blanket; his head resting on the pillow in your lap, his posture facing the TV. Your fingers, as a pavlovian reflex, dived into his gorgeous hair, whisking away a few stray curls from his face.

“And what are we doing?”

“I was about to watch the greatest movie of all time.”

“The Pursuit of Happyness?”

“Nope, Avengers: Infinity War.”

“That Hiddleston again.”

“Hon, you know he’s going to be killed off in the 10th minute into the movie, right?” you had to laugh.

“Good. He deserves it.”

“What is it? Do I hear jealousy?” you got bloody happy and started enjoying your conversation even more.

“Abslttthhaa nauh” he mumbled something under his nose that reminded you of absolutely not.

"Last time I checked it's not him who's lying on my lap dying."

"Lucky for him, cuz that'd be the last thing he does..."

“Ashton, you’re killing me” you couldn’t contain your laughter.

“Wasn’t kidding.”

“I know” you grinned as your thumb stroked his cheek.

This new Ashton entertained you more and more. You leaned forward to blow tiny kisses on his temple and yoke bone leading a path to his ear.

“Also, last time I checked it wasn’t him who had his way with me on the kitchen counter the other day…” the tip of your nose brushed his ear as you whispered and the mention of your latest lovemaking made a smug smile spread across his face. “And do you know what else I remember?! I remember moaning a three letter name, but it wasn’t Tom… help me out… oh wait, that’s it, it was Ash...” you were trying to add a slight annoyance to the tone of your voice.

“Convinced enough?”

“I have no strength to disagree” reaching back for your right hand to take it in his, he towed it to his lips and planted a kiss on your wrist. Without saying anything he interlaced your fingers and just pulled it to his chest. As if his grumpiness had been cut off, he nestled a bit to find the perfect and most comfortable position, then got fully relaxed and your left hand slipped back into his hair to caress and massage his scalp, to play with his soft black locks.

“Alright, play it, I want to see if he resurrects for the millionth time” he egged you to press the play button to start the movie.

“Oh, we’ll see…” you smiled insinuatingly.

“You’re just joking, right?” he turned his head upwards to look at you. “No, you’re not. They just can’t get rid of that guy, can they?”

“Get comfortable baby, two and a half hour fun just awaits for us” you winked.

Although you watched the movie together, you were pretty sure Ash's thoughts were going somewhere else since you weren’t even like 40 minutes in, when he started playing with your fingers. Your eyes jumped back and forth from the TV to your hands, but eventually your attention ended up on what he was doing. His fingertips grazed your palm and fingers with slow, tender and deliberate moves; it felt intimate like never before, as if he touched your hand for the first time, he went from finger to finger, as if he wanted to get to know and memorize the shape of your hand, the feel of your skin.

Your first thought was “if he won’t stop I’m gonna cry”. But he didn’t stop and eventually and surprisingly you did not cry either, although this scene undoubtedly made you quite emotional, because you haven’t seen him this cuddly in a long time. He’s an affectionate man, but definitely not a clinging one. And you really enjoyed this situation; sometimes you crave this kind of attention like air.

A few more minutes have passed during which your focus returned back to the screen. You felt his hand stopped playing with yours, and with his eyes closing shut he turned over and nuzzling his face close to your belly he fell asleep pretty quickly. Getting your right hand back, now it could rest on his waist, while your other hand could keep caressing his hair, neck, shoulder, just with extra carefulness not wanting to wake him up.

By the end of the movie he still laid on your lap breathing smoothly, and watching him made you think about him being such a positive force. Not only in your life but so many others’, as well. Family, friends, members of other bands whom they met only sporadically… You loved listening to their stories about Ash being nice and thoughtful and polite. That’s how he treats people in general, even strangers. It’s so effortless for him, yet you have no idea how he does that. Always thinks about making others happy, but is he happy? Do you make him happy? You can only hope, because he deserves the world. At this point, an unpleasant feeling put a stop to your train of thought.

As much as you didn’t want to do it, and wished to stay like this forever, it was time for you to stand up since you started feeling your legs getting numb after sitting stock-still for the last two and a half hours.

“Ash” leaning over his face you started caressing his cheek with your nose.

Your technic was clearly successful, because he slowly turned over nuzzling his nose against yours demanding more contact. You kissed his cheek, his nose, the corner of his mouth, while he enjoyed the love showering on him.

Soon your lips met in very light kisses that became needier with every touch from Ashton’s side, as you felt his tongue brush over your upper lip. Your heart ached but you had to pull back an inch ending the connection between your lips resulting in a dissatisfied moan escaping his lips.

“Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but if we go into this deeper, you may risk losing your nurse to a deadly disease” you whispered smiling on his lips.

“I’ll make it up to you… in a few days… when I get better” he said sleepily.

“Make up for what?”

“For the canceled double fuck.”

“I can’t with you, Irwin. I swear to you I’ll lock you up in the bedroom until you sleep enough.” you had to laugh tho.

“But you love me.”

“Yes, yes I do. What a correct observation.”

“Good, because I love you, too.”

“I’m glad to hear it. Now come Captain Obvious, let’s sleep a bit more.”

And with this you took his hand in yours and led him into the paradise of peacefulness that is your hospital room for the next few days.

#ashton irwin #ashton irwin x reader #fanfic #fic by me #fic time #fluff

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fleur-marigold · 4 years ago

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ARLO THOUGHTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my first reaction to seeing screenshots of Arlo a few days ago was “huh, how odd!”, followed immediately by seeing cool gifs of the music and animation and realizing “ah, it’s that kind of odd ❤️“

(spoilers under cut!)

I’ve been a little low energy so I didn’t get around to watching any trailers but I think that added to the experience, going in completely blind without any expectation made me appreciate it so fully! even just the faceless intro scene tugged at me in a very “we are going to make you feel emotions” way and BOY is that an indicator of the art form.....

everything that followed was like a freaking. 10 hit combo of jokes that made me cackle, character dynamics that made me giddy, design work & animation that made me oooooh, and musical numbers that made me FULL BODY STIM BOP RIGHT ALONG FIRST LISTEN BABY........ hell YEAH I’ve missed 2D animated choreographed diagetic character driven musicals so MUCH!!!!!! lay me that good good I Want song on me! there are so many scenes that have song-potential and I’m SO glad they included so many, it adapts to modern music & musical styles really REALLY well which is tricky to pull off too, I’m defo looking up the ost!

Arlo himself is so wonderfully written, just.. a good boy with a big heart and a lot of dreams, and that makes his naivety into the kind where you just want to adopt him immediately, support his every whim and comfort him through his inevitable awakenings, which I’m SO glad he found a whole band of people to do for him. literally every character in his found family group owns my HEART and I’m irrevocably attached to them all. we will literally never get sick of a group of ragtag weirdos banding together (and committing crimes!!!! true DND party spirit). BERTIE QUEEN OF MY HEART. I’m going to give Tony a little kiss I’ve waited so long for a little mans like him. and Alia is so SO cute I adore her energy!!

the plot is familiar but follows along so smoothly and delightfully, something about the energy of the setting (BAYOU BEST MOVIE LOCATION), cast chemistry and musical HYPE breathes fresh life into it all... all the little sidestops along the journey and time spent developing emotions and bonds are so worthwhile, and have so much art, soul and FUN poured into them!! that starlit glowing beach scene is absolutely going to stay cemented in my mind forever, that was like.. peak cinematics. I was gushing the entire time :’-)

and on that note man, with this movie being a return to musicals AND having a running thread of music being used to express a whole range of unwordable human emotion, creating countless moments of development, vulnerability, intimacy, comfort and realization... I’m sooo glad it decided to integrate the musical format so strongly, and have it be an integral part to both the protagonist, his relationships AND the overall message! we love this little showman bard alligator........

every freakin scene had me hooked, congrats to colourful stylized animation for being the only medium to ever make NYC seem appealing and wondrous! the cast just going wild in it is that excellent chaos. not to mention capitalism & conformity critiques forever being addictively entertaining in musical form 😔✊ holy WOW that sadtimes Arlo song........ utilized abstract shape and colour and movement and symbol and music style shifts in a way that made me gasp “there’s more??” every minute or so into the song I LOVED IT SO MUCH..... what an emotion

this is one of those movies where the kinds of flaws I have with it are mostly noted out of an intense passion for it, so worth mentioning is: the writing did feel a little slippery starting around the third act, a few miss or mistimed jokes, some things could’ve done with either more fluidity in plot transition (news report, gala quest), resolution (post-Arlo’s rejection perhaps?), buildup (the entrepeneurial discrimination thematic for example) or exploration (WAS REALLY 👀👀 at possible animal hybrid lore???)

the villains naturally made me wanna’ throw fists but could’ve been a little stronger personality/originality wise (BUT. I MUST hand out a solid 10/10 for giant evil furry, holy shit), and fish guy needs to learn to process his trauma in a way that’s kinder to kids. Hank the septapus did it better. I noted that there’s, potential stereotypical imagery with Furlecia? it caught my eye so I’ll look out for voices on that. plus unfortunate big nosed villain, I suppose could be design relevant but it could be shown in another way

the biggest structural flaw though. ARLO’S DAD. I’m pretty intrigued by the way this story played out - naturally the big rejection was anticipated, and while I was :-/ hmmm the entire way through his Dad’s sympathy journey, I was interested to see how they’d explore the idea of the urge for conformity pressing someone into climbing societal hierarchy, and whether he’d be the kind to want to break out of it. sort of a critique in the form of example: ‘this is whack, rejecting it is way better’

and GOSH this is where it brings me some conflicted feelings because. I saw that birdman twist coming a hot minute before its reveal, and as an out-and-proud avian-feathry I was ELATED to be right and have more angsty bird rep, but like. unless there’s more to be said about how this happened, ARE WE JUST GOING TO IGNORE THE FACT THAT THIS MAN SUPPOSEDLY THREW AWAY HIS SON?????????? “my son is gone” “I made a mistake” “I let him go” AM I TO INTERPRET THAT YOU THREW HIM DOWN THE FREAKIN SEWER OR WHAT??? HELLO?? SIR???? WHAT!!!!!! his entire apology scene I was slapping my pillow and yell-whispering “YOU’RE GARBAGE” at the screen LMAO I cannot ABIDE this. what have you become INDEED

anyway. I DO wish their story ended on a note that strayed from the ‘blood family must reunite’ trope but I am really glad they gave Arlo two focused and explicit opportunities to cut ties with him, and affirmed that he would have been just as fulfilled, happy and loved by his found family :’-) that’s good stuff right there. I had a strong feeling about seeing each of the group portrayed and developed more personally and individually, so reading that this’ll be followed by a series is SUPER exciting, not to mention it’ll be in one of my OTHER favourite story locations: pastel carnival-ized sparkly lights rustic seaside attraction town babyyyyy!!! picture me... hand over mouth....... whispering “oh my god......... Bertie wanted to live by the sea” as the credits roll

I get the feeling this might not be a movie that resonates with everyone, and I can definitely feel a lot of room for notes and improvements, but I also kind of just want to focus on.. the immense high of excitement, passion and artistry it took me on (I don’t think I’ve knee-slapped, flappy hand stimmed and whisper-yelled at a screen so much and for so long in a good while LOL) and good, heartfelt, wholesome movie aftertaste this watching has left me with. a good time was had and I hope many others can enjoy it as well :-]]]

#arlo the alligator boy #arlo #netflix #i heart arlo #animation

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cakejots · 3 years ago

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this is us trying, Chapter 8 - The Unravel

In this AU, they don’t know each other outside of the suit. And in this AU, Ladybug and Chat Noir love each other. But in this AU, Chat doesn’t want their identities revealed.

Written for @ladynoirjuly 2021

notes: this is a coherent story based on all the prompts; each chapter contains at least 3 prompts. TW for mention of death threats.

Ch 1 | Ch 2 | Ch 3 | Ch 4 | Ch 5 | Ch 6 | Ch 7 | Ch 8 | Ch 9 | Ch 10

Read on AO3

24. Rewrite the stars

With how he reacted to those online comments about Marinette a few days prior, Adrien legitimately thought he was going to throw another fit again. But as always, Marinette’s closeness managed to distract him from the negative and made the ‘task’ bearable.

“Go to hell? I’m sorry but who are you to tell me what to do?” She dismissed the comment. “You think I’m just gonna listen to you? People who send these kinds of messages clearly need help.”

He snorted. “Don’t let it get to you, Buguinette.”

“Ah no no,” she shook her head. “It’s just… I can’t understand why they have the need to send this kind of stuff to other people.”

Marinette moved on to other comments within the hashtag page and saw quite a handful of positive comments. She would even go as far as to say that people are generally supportive of their relationship.

There was just a very loud and obnoxious minority that stood out everywhere. It was no wonder Adrien got that infuriated, she wasn’t feeling the best either when she read what people had written about him.

“Chaton?” She stopped scrolling, taking a break before her anger got the better of her. “You’ve gotten quiet. Something on your mind?”

“Uhh, yeah.”

“Wanna talk about it?” She put down her phone and moved to sit beside him, combing her fingers through his hair. “You’ll feel better if you do.”

Adrien leaned against her palm and closed his eyes. “I feel better already.”

She chuckled when he started purring. “Do you wanna stop for a while? Your hair’s so smooth and I honestly think I can do this for the rest of the day.”

“Ahh, that is so very tempting, my lady,” he opened his eyes and pouted. “But at last, this can’t be put off any longer.”

She continued massaging his scalp. “Hmm?”

“The management wants me to make a public apology and… and break up with you to save the company’s image.”

Marinette went rigid with her ministrations.

He quickly wrapped his arms around her and kissed her temple. “Obviously I’m not going to do that. You wound me if you think I’ll do that, Marinette,” he joked.

“Ahh no.” She hugged and leaned against him. “It’s not you. I— I’m just appalled that they’d demand you to take such a drastic move.”

He shrugged. “The company’s image suffered a huge blow when the Agreste Scandal happened. It has only been around six months since then, and now they have to deal with another.”

She nodded and tightened her grip on him. “So what will you do, Adrien?”

He smoothed her arm and nosed her hair. “To hell with them.”

“But—”

“I finally found you, I’m not going to let you go,” he grinned.

A rosy pink hue settled itself on Marinette’s cheeks. Even when she’s already his, Adrien never stops to let her know how special she is to him. She pulled back to hold his gaze while her thumb brushed against his cheek.

“What if they dismiss you?”

Fire lit in his eyes. “I’m going to do what makes me happy, what makes us happy. I’m not going to apologise for my love for you.”

Warm and fuzzy feelings filled her chest as he settled on what he planned to do. Adrien has come so far, and Marinette was more than happy to allow him the agency he desperately needed.

“You’ll rewrite the stars, huh?”

“I’ll rewrite the stars.”

Marinette pulled him close—

“Then I’ll be here supporting you every step of the way.”

—and gave him a long and earnest kiss on the lips.

25. De-transformation

Adrien was hiding half his body behind the door that leads to Marinette’s room. She had her full attention on the task on hand that she didn’t realise he was at the entrance watching her from afar, much like how a kitten observes their human. Adrien really admired how focused Marinette can be sometimes. But right now, he wished that she wasn’t that fixated on whatever she’s doing.

Despite his resoluteness on what to do with the scandal earlier on, Adrien was feeling stressed about it now. They had agreed that he would release a statement to address the scandal tomorrow, and it’d just be a couple of sentences from him, along with a photo of them in his mansion, to really sell to the public that they aren’t fooling around and that she has been staying with him for a while now.

The kiss they had shared earlier did tons to calm his nerves. He could never get enough of the thrill whenever they kissed, it was just that addictive to him. Her alluring lips, curious and exploring hands, the tiny sounds she made, and how she felt within his arms were the only things that mattered.

But that was a few hours ago, right after he came to a decision on what to do. They parted ways afterwards for Adrien to draft his statement, and it looked really good at first. But the more he read and thought about it, the more he felt like they’d face more backlash if he were to put that statement out. His anxiety was returning and he needed to take a breather.

Which was why he was standing at Marinette’s door right now. He really wanted another kissing session with Marinette, but he doesn’t want to push his boundaries either. He figured a rooftop run would help him to loosen up and take his mind off of the drafted statement for now. But he didn’t want to do it alone either.

Adrien stared at Marinette’s back. He felt really bad for disturbing her. He really did. But…

“Marinette?” He called out softly.

She lifted her head to look back at her door, only to see Adrien concealing half his body behind her door. She frowned and briskly walked towards him. “Adrien! What’s wrong?”

He came out of his hiding and averted his gaze “C-Can we go for a rooftop run for a while?” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m starting to feel a little overwhelmed.”

She petted and stroked his hair. “Of course! Let’s go!”

Adrien gave her a radiant smile.

The rooftop run, sadly, wasn’t as helpful as he had fancied. All he had to do was run… on rooftops which he had been running on for the last 6 years. He could even do it with his eyes closed. His mind was not preoccupied with anything else and his thoughts kept going back to the scandal.

Chat dash towards the top of the Eiffel Tower.

“De-transformation.”

He walked towards the edge of the platform and stared at the city underneath his feet. At least he was still able to admire the view. He sat down, hugged his knees and closed his eyes to enjoy the breeze…

Only to be pulled back by a pair of arms around his waist.

“Adrien! What were you thinking?” Ladybug shook his shoulders when he faced her.

“No, no! I wasn’t doing anything!” He waved his hands. “I was just trying to distract myself.”

Ladybug frowned. “Then why de-transfrom? You can enjoy the view as Chat Noir, can’t you?”

He avoided her eyes. “I-I wanted to feel the breeze.”

She pursed her lips. “You said you wanted a distraction? Something to occupy your mind?”

Adrien nodded.

Ladybug stood and brought him to his feet, smiling. “How about a game or two of Mecha Strike with the gamer pro herself?”

He raised an eyebrow.

“I assure you that you’ll be needing that mind of yours to defeat me,” she declared triumphantly.

“You won tournaments?”

“Duh. Now come on! Transform and let’s go!”

“Buguinette,” he called out as he transformed. “I’ll have you know I didn’t only spend my time at home studying.”

Ladybug threw her yo-yo and a smirk at him. “Then may the best player reign once and for all!” And she jumped off the edge.

Chat followed suit, anticipating the game battles they have for the night.

26. Reveal

They had no idea how it happened. No, they were lying if they said that. They knew how it happened. They just didn’t expect it to unfold the way it did.

The mecha strike matches they had after they arrived back at Marinette’s home did tons to ease Adrien’s nerves. His mind was full of battle strategies to take her down, but she always managed to outsmart him. She wasn’t Ladybug for nothing. She truly is the Reigning Queen of Mecha Strike.

After they had established their respective status in the world of Mecha Strike, Marinette hoped to put Adrien’s mind at peace entirely. He has his way with words and has written beautiful love poems for her. There’s no way the statement he wrote was horrible.

And so she asked to see it; and he gave it to her, because Adrien fully believes in her word for this. He knows that Marinette would never lie about how she felt about the things he pens down.

She gave her smile of approval, and even commented on how sweet it was. She was confident that it’d sway the hearts of haters in the right direction.

And those were very comforting words. Not only has he accomplished proclaiming his love for her to the world, but he also might possibly increase the appeal of their relationship.

Later, they went to bed, peacefully.

When the time came to finally reveal their relationship to the world, they discreetly made their way back to the Agreste mansion, transformed of course.

Marinette suggested taking their picture in his kitchen to really sell the domestic lifestyle to the public, and Adrien agreed. But as they were deciding on the perfect picture to post along with the statement, Adrien started panicking again.

And so did Marinette. (She didn’t have a lot to work with in his mansion.)

Then, she suddenly recalled that being surrounded by soft things could help, that was how she calmed down when she was younger after all. She felt better just by enveloping herself in her blanket and soft toys.

So she pulled him into his room and pushed him onto his bed, remembering how soft it was, and slowly ran her hand through his mane to coax him into lying down. But all Adrien did was close his eyes.

Her other hand landed on his shoulder to push, but didn’t manage to make him budge at all as she was pulled into his lap, coming face to face with him.

Marinette was startled by his actions and stopped her ministrations. But he began rubbing his head against her palm, and she continued. She also started caressing under his chin with her fingers.

He opened his eyes lazily to gaze at her; so did she.

And Adrien gently held her face to bring their lips together, after he saw in her eyes what was most likely in his as well.

Marinette didn’t hesitate this time, fluttering her eyes close and wrapping her arms around his neck to bring him closer, to bring herself closer to him. She released a tiny whimper when Adrien’s hand suddenly landed on the small of her back, drawing her in to close the non-existent gap between them.

There was just something different about this kiss. Adrien’s heartbeat wasn't thundering as hard as he thought it would be, and a wave of calmness washed over him as they continued moving their lips against the other. His thumb stroked her cheek, to invite her to continue for as long as she liked.

Marinette’s hand shifted towards his hair and grabbed, pushing herself further into his face, and Adrien groaned before grinning against her lips. Marinette soon followed suit before she pulled back, but couldn’t go far as she was literally caged within his embrace.

“What’s so funny?” She opened her eyes and beamed.

Adrien moved in to kiss her nose. “Nothing. Just, thank you,” and he smooched her forehead.

“Trust me, this helped me as much as it helped you,” and she pressed her lips to his cheek.

Marinette caressed his other cheek. “Ready to post that statement and shut the haters up once and for all?”

A glint shone in Adrien’s eyes. “Oh, definitely.”

They moved to sit comfortably on his bed and Adrien copied his statement from his notes, the photo already chosen and sitting on the post, waiting to be sent out.

“You know, this feels very much like a blog post. I’ve never written this much on this account before.”

“SHIT!”

Adrien jumped and looked at her full-blown eyes. “What? What’s wrong?”

She swiftly placed her hand on his. “Chaton, before you post that, I need to let you know that it was my best friend who informed me about what happened to you last week.” She scratched her head. “That’s how I was able to get to you, even though it took quite a while.”

Adrien was visibly confused. “O...kay?”

“And she actually asked for an update on the situation.”

He finally caught on. “Oh! Tell her then! Give her the update she deserves.” He chuckled. “Thank you so much, Marinette’s best friend!”

Her kitty’s so cute when he’s elated. “She… um, s-she wants to know about how we met and stuff.” Marinette glimpsed at him. “How do you want to deal with that?”

“Well, that’d be hard, wouldn't it?”

“Well, we can't use anything related to fashion right?” She said, matter-of-factly. “Since she knows that I wanted to intern at Gabriel and the chance went poof with the final battle…”

“Why not tell her the truth?”

“What?!”

He shrugged. “I mean, the threat is gone. I don't see why not?”

She smiled. “Adrien, honey, my best friend is Alya.”

“Uhh, she... has a nice name?” He tilted his head.

“She’s Alya Cesaire!” She shook his shoulders. “She’s the lady blogger! She’ll flip if she learns that I'm Ladybug!”

“Oh.”

“So there’s no way.”

“What an interesting turn of events,” he simpered. “How about telling her that I don't want people prying into my life?”

“That’s not fair to her,” she pouted.

“Then how about the bakery?” He threw in another excuse.

“Huh?”

“You work in the bakery sometimes, right?” He clarified.

She furrowed her brows. “But I've never seen you at the bakery.”

“Neither did she,” he pointed out, “so maybe we can use that?”

Her face lit with comprehension. “Oh my gosh, Adrien! You’re a genius!”

“We can go with the typical ‘well, we met one day at the bakery, and the rest was history’ kinda sharing.” Adrien gesticulated a rainbow curve with his hands.

Marinette giggled. “I’ll call her now.”

“You two are so sickeningly sweet, you know that?” Alya’s voice echoed through Marinette’s phone.

“Thank you!” Adrien replied, the post still sitting on the edit page.

“So how are you guys gonna deal with the scandal?”

“Adrien will be releasing a statement to address it,” Marinette replied this time.

“Ooo, a reveal huh? When are guys doing it?”

“Now, ehe,” and Marinette gave the okay signal for Adrien to release the statement.

“Marinette!” Alya screamed. “What the hell!”

#ladynoirjuly2021 #ladynoirjuly #ladynoir #mesfics #miraculous ladybug #fanfic #mlb fanfic #chat noir #ladybug #alternate universe #light angst #fluff #hurt/comfort #this is us trying

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glimmerglanger · 4 years ago

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Whumptober 2020 - Day 15

Part 15 of the oof!au. (One part left! And it’s really more of an epilogue than a full chapter, so). It’s been a long haul and I have plans for a sequel (and some snippets that might go INTO the sequel).

General Information: Post Order 66 Vader-Captures-Obi-Wan AU. Eventual happy(ish) ending. Codywan. Past one-sided Vaderwan.

WARNINGS: Past torture, non-con, and mind control. Attempt at suicide and discussions of suicide. Mental and emotional trauma.

Alt 10. Nightmares

Cody stiffened down his spine when Rex and Ahsoka came back onboard the Recompense. It should have been good to see one of his brothers again - to see another Jedi - but he hadn’t managed to be happy about it when they showed up. They were just another factor, something he couldn’t control, something he didn’t know how to predict.

And then Ahsoka had told Obi-Wan he should have done a better job saving kriffing Skywalker and--

Cody didn’t even know they were back on the Recompense until they turned around the corner that led to Obi-Wan’s room. It was, technically, morning. Cody’d slept a bit, on his feet. He’d tried, once or twice, to go bunk down, but…

But he never managed to keep his eyes closed very long, worries about Obi-Wan across the ship, in a room by himself, eating away at him if he tried. He could snag a few clicks of sleep leaning against the wall, confident he’d wake up if anything happened.

Usually, it was the sounds Obi-Wan made in his quarters that woke Cody.

He screamed, sometimes, in his sleep.

Rex and Ahsoka woke him, coming down the hall. He blinked to wakefulness, pushing away from the wall, glad he’d stayed close even as Ahsoka’s steps faltered. “Commander,” she said, glancing towards Rex and then back at him. She grimaced, looking miserable before she added, “I’m sorry. I didn’t--I’m just sorry. I wanted to…” she gestured at the door to Obi-Wan’s room. “Apologize.”

“He’s asleep,” Cody said, because Force knew Obi-Wan wasn’t sleeping enough - none of them were sleeping enough - and he wouldn’t interrupt that.

Ahsoka’s expression tensed further, mouth twisting and pressing thin. She shifted her weight from foot to foot, and said, softly, “He’s--not really, it’s…” She clenched and unclenched her hands, and said, raw, “It would be a kindness to wake him. But I - I may be able to help. Let him sleep better.”

Cody’d listened to Obi-Wan wake himself up screaming or - worse, somehow - trying to swallow screams back, for far too long. He swore, under his breath, and said, stepping forward to open the door, “Do it, then.”

Ahsoka didn’t hesitate, sliding into the room, the light flowing in around her. Obi-Wan was tangled in the sheets on his little bunk, jerking, just a little, making sounds too quiet to carry through the door, awful sounds, and--

“Sh,” Ahsoka said, sitting on the edge of the bunk, stretching a hand out, palm over his forehead. “Sh, sh, Master, it’s only a dream.”

Cody stood in the doorway, gripping the frame of it, and shivered down his back, watching Obi-Wan slowly go still, his breathing getting even and deeper, some of the lines around his eyes and mouth easing. His face was wet, catching the light, though his eyes remained closed as he settled.

Ahsoka didn’t make any move to get up off the bed or to take away her hand. She’d closed her eyes as well, expression set with determination. Cody wondered what, exactly, she was doing, but it hardly mattered.

It was helping. He could see it helping, soothing Obi-Wan in a way none of them had been able to accomplish. They’d found assistance. Someone to help, and--and Cody had promised - to himself - that he’d get his brothers and Obi-Wan out. That he’d save them.

He looked at Ahsoka, murmuring soft words with a lilting cadence, and realized that, perhaps, he’d done it. He exhaled shakily, turned on his heel, and walked away.

Rex waited, for a while, in the doorway to Kenobi’s quarters. He’d never seen Ahsoka soothe someone through a nightmare from this perspective before. He knew she’d done it for him, after - after the world fell apart. He’d woken up more than once to find his head resting against her leg, her palm cool over his forehead, all his nightmares kept away, at least for a few hours.

She had nightmares, too. He soothed them as best he could, without the benefit of the Force.

He lacked the ability to help soothe Kenobi, and he was fairly certain that if he made a move towards the bed he’d end up regretting it. Cody hadn’t been the only one of his brothers lingering around in the hall. They were all watching him, assessingly. He nodded, decided to leave the door open so they could keep an eye on their General, and took a breath.

He couldn’t help with Kenobi’s nightmares, but he’d seen the look on Cody’s face, before he left. It didn’t take more than a question to get a location for Cody’s quarters. Rex braced himself and went to find his brother.

Rex expected Cody’s door to be locked, when he arrived, but it opened at his touch. The space within was lit, revealing the little bunk and Cody, sitting on it, back to the door. Rex bit his tongue, hard, because Cody didn’t even turn to look at him, just...stared forward, blaster in hand and resting on his thigh.

Rex said, softly, “Hey, there.”

“Rex,” Cody said, voice flat and empty. He kept staring forward, even as Rex edged a step into the room, heart slamming against his ribs, blood burning in his veins. Rex had… anticipated something like this, after talking to Cody and the others in the mess.

He could remember, too easily, what had happened after they rescued Bly, after they pulled the chip out of his head, walking into his room the next morning and--and Rex hadn’t managed to get Ahsoka turned away before she saw the wall--

“Thought maybe we could grab some breakfast,” Rex said, with forced lightness. He’d made it far enough in to get a look at Cody’s expression and it was terrible. Blank and fixed, his face streaked with tears.

“You go ahead,” Cody said, and he had his finger curled around the trigger of the blaster, Rex noted, the cold in his gut spreading further. They’d all been trained, indoctrinated, not to draw their blaster unless they planned to shoot something.

“No, I’ll wait for you.” Rex shifted another step closer. He wondered, vaguely, if he could wrestle the blaster away. Cody had always been stronger than him, but Cody didn’t look up to struggling with anyone, at the moment. Then again, he knew better than most how stubborn his brothers could be, when they wanted to do something badly enough.

And he knew that Cody had - had broken that thing in his head, to get his way. He’d obviously lost none of his stubborn drive over the last three years.

Rex took another step, wetted his lips, and said, soft, “Why don’t you give that to me?”

Cody shook his head. He said, “I want you to look after him.”

“Yeah?” Rex edged nearer, close enough that he could grab Cody’s arm, if necessary. He didn’t bother asking who him was. They both knew. Everyone on the ship knew. Kriff, everyone in the galaxy with eyes knew. “You know, he wants you looking after him.”

Cody made a short, sharp sound. He said, “No.”

Rex flexed his fingers in and out, tried to tell himself it was a good sign that Cody was willing to talk to him, that he hadn’t just jerked his arm up and pulled the trigger. He picked his words carefully, wishing he were better at this kind of thing. “He does. Come on. Give it to me, please. Don’t do this to him.”

Cody blinked, for the first time. “I’m doing this for him.”

Rex shuddered, down his back. He wished, for just a click, that Skywalker was still alive, just so Rex could make him pay for what he’d done. “He’s not going to appreciate it,” he said, quiet. “You know that. Ahsoka said he’s already blaming himself for what happened. He’ll blame himself, every day, if you do this. It’ll be more pain. More nightmares.”

Cody’s breath hitched, and Rex could identify a weak spot when he saw one. Kriff, everyone had always known where Cody’s was. Rex touched Cody’s shoulder, soft, and said, “He needs help, handling what happened. The Jedi - they’re like us, not meant to be alone. He needs--”

“Not from me,” Cody snapped back, quickly, more life coming into his voice.

Rex drew in a breath, trying to play this correctly. “Ahsoka says she can tell he--”

“Not from me,” Cody cut in, gritting the words out, each one bitten off, snapped. “I enjoyed it,” he added, gutted. “What I did. To him.”

Rex almost recoiled back, restraining the urge at the last moment. He tried to imagine the possibility of the words being true and found he couldn’t. “No,” he said, firm, “you didn’t.”

Cody looked up at him, finally, his eyes wide and full of bottomless anger and guilt. He snarled, “You weren’t there. I--”

“You want to do it again, then?” Rex cut in, because they were getting somewhere, dragging Cody out of his head, out of whatever terrible pit he’d fallen into. And because the words needed said, probably. He continued, the words tearing like glass in his throat, even just saying them making his stomach ache with disgust, while Cody stared at him, “You could, you know. He looks like a strong breeze would knock him down. You could walk into his quarters right now and hold him down and--”

The wall caught Rex’s shoulders and the back of his head when Cody surged to his feet and shoved him back, hard. Rex saw stars, terribly aware of the fact that Cody was still holding the blaster, of Cody’s hand, pressed hard against his chest. Cody snarled, eyes blazing, “Don’t you kriffing ever--”

“See?” Rex cut in, ignoring the pain, because getting Cody fully off the ledge he’d thrown himself onto was more important than a headache. Possibly a concussion.“You don’t want to. You never wanted to. Va--Skywalker raped him.” He stared across into Cody’s eyes, and gentled his voice. “Raped you, too, Cody.”

Cody flinched, looking to the side and keeping his hand where it was, terrible strength in him, for all that he was trembling, a bit. “You don’t understand. I--Obi-Wan didn’t--but I--finished--I--”

Rex swallowed, hard, second-hand agony moving through him. He reached up, slowly, and - when Cody didn’t twitch towards shooting him - gripped both of Cody’s shoulders, softly. He said, careful, “You can’t always help the things your body does. No, you can’t, not even - even without the chip. Some things just - just happen. That doesn’t mean you wanted it.” He slid one hand down, towards the blaster in Cody’s hand. “It’s not your fault.”

Cody gritted out, “That’s what Obi-Wan says.”

Rex nodded, reaching the blaster, feeling the tension in Cody’s hand. He was gripping it far too tightly for Rex to just strip it away. He said, gentling, in a way he’d only learned how to be because Ahsoka had needed it, so much, after the war, “Well, he’s right.”

Cody shook his head, sounding hoarse when he said, “He says it’s his fault.”

That was a whole other nightmare, Rex considered. Hopefully one that Ahsoka would be able to help with, because Rex had no idea how to go about addressing it. “And he’s wrong about that.”

“Commander Tano having this conversation with him?” Cody asked, as though picking up the slant of Rex’s thoughts. It felt odd, to hear him call her by her rank, after so long without them, but Rex got the feeling they were all hanging onto the scraps of structure they had left behind, trying to keep the world held together, desperately.

And so he offered no correction, only said, “She might be. But she’s not the one he needs to hear it from. He’s not going to believe her.”

Cody grimaced. Rex got an up-close look at the expression. “Rex--”

“We all know how he feels about you,” Rex interrupted, because he could see chinks in the armor, and because he thought his heart might break through his ribs if he didn’t get the blaster away from Cody sooner rather than later. He felt Cody freeze, sucking in a breath and holding it. “It never was a secret.”

“He doesn’t anymore,” Cody said, voice broken, and Rex ached for him. “He can’t. Not after what I did.”

“Ahsoka says otherwise,” Rex said, a lie, because he and Ahsoka hadn’t discussed...that. But Rex didn’t need Jedi intel to see the truth of it. He’d watched the way Kenobi looked at Cody, yearning, full of hurt and the barest glimmers of hope, all at once, when they were around one another, yesterday. He’d seen Kenobi reach towards Cody, multiple times, only to draw back.

Cody dropped his head, gritting out, “Don’t.”

Rex pressed his advantage, such as it was. “Why is that so hard for you to believe? You’re still in love with him, aren’t you?”

Cody flinched back, away from him. “That’s not--”

Rex followed, focus split between Cody’s curved shoulders and the blaster, insisting, “Aren’t you?” Cody let out a terrible sound, not much of a reply, and Rex continued, testing each word, “Kriff, you broke your brain to help him. You killed Skywalker for him. Are you really going to let him suffer now because you want to take all the blame for something that wasn’t your fault?”

Cody looked up at him, slowly, eyes shining, face streaked with tears. Rex reached out towards the blaster. “They made us tools. They tried to kill us. They - they abused you and tortured you. You and him. But you lived. He lived. Because you had each other. You beat them, Cody, because you had him and he had you. Don’t let them win, now. Please.”

He restrained a relieved cry when Cody’s fingers loosened around the blaster. Rex stripped it from his hand, ejected the clip, threw the clip to the side, and then sagged back, breathing raggedly as he leaned against the wall, pulse pounding against his skin.

“Kriffing hell,” he said, dragging the back of his hand across his mouth, adrenaline still burning him up. He hadn’t been sure how things were going to play out, hadn’t been fully confident that Cody was going to hand over the blaster without a fight. He drew in a deep breath and reached out, curling an arm around Cody’s shoulder and pulling him in.

“You scared the fuck out of me,” he said, Cody going stiff for just a moment before he slumped. “But it’s alright,” Rex said, because he’d come back from the chip. They’d all taken the first step to coming back, and Rex could help them travel the rest of the way. He wasn’t going to lose any more of his brothers. Not if he could help it. He tipped his head against Cody’s, and said, “We’re going to get through this.”

And standing there, just for a few moments, he tried not to think about the fact that everyone else on the Recompense probably needed to hear the same thing. Well. He’d be there to tell them. As many times as they needed to hear it.

He hoped, though, that Ahsoka managed to help General Kenobi. It would probably come across better, coming from him.

“I don’t know what to do,” Cody said, voice all emptied out, shredded, and Rex wasn’t sure that he’d ever expected to hear Cody admit that. Not even at the end of the war, when they’d both been tattered and shredded by constant loss.

Cody had always known what to do.

Rex shuddered. He said, “Well, sleeping would be a good start. When was the last time you did that?”

Cody shook his head, which wasn’t an answer, and said, “I need to go make sure Obi-Wan is alright.”

“He’s fine,” Rex said, relieved, in a way, that Cody had switched tracks back to worrying about Kenobi. It meant he was another step further away from going for a blaster. He doubted the fixation was strictly healthy, but… “Ahsoka is looking after him.” But Cody was already pulling away, expression drawn and tense, and Rex had learned to pick his battles long ago.

He followed Cody back through the halls. They weren’t, he noticed, very far at all from Kenobi’s rooms. The door was still open. A half-dozen of their brothers were lingering around, without making any pretense for their presence, just… keeping an eye on things.

Rex nodded at them as Cody stepped up to the door, peering in.

Obi-Wan slept still, rolled onto his side, and he looked more like himself asleep, some of the lines erased from his face. Ahsoka sat on the side of the bed, her elbows on her knees and her head hanging down, turned to one side.

She looked up at their shadows in the doorway, her face streaked with tears, and Rex didn’t need to ask what she’d seen in the dreams. He could guess. “He’ll sleep for at least half a day,” she said, her voice raspy, when Cody drifted a step into the room, moving like a sleepwalker.

“There won’t be nightmares?” Cody asked, voice quiet as well. He started to reach out, towards Obi-Wan’s shoulder, and caught himself, drawing back.

Ahsoka cleared her throat. “Shouldn’t be,” she said, scrubbing at her cheeks. She stood, curling an arm around her chest, looking smaller, all at once. Cody nodded and then, without another word, sank down to sit beside the bed, shoulders pressing against the mattress. “Oh,” she said, “you don’t have to--”

“Just in case,” he said, drawing a knee up, arm resting across it.

Ahsoka opened her mouth, and Rex reached out, curling fingers around her elbow, squeezing pointedly when she looked over at him. “Of course,” she said, after a moment, and reached her hand out, carefully, fingertips brushing across Cody’s brow.

Rex watched him frown, just for a moment, but he was most of the way to asleep already. It barely took a nudge to send him the rest of the way down, his head dropping back against the mattress, his eyes falling closed.

“Get some rest,” Rex said, quietly, tugging Ahsoka a step back. He promised Cody’s sleeping form, “We’ll look after them.”

Nightmares had plagued Cody for as long as he could remember. Even before the chips, he’d had ill dreams. Most of his brothers had, he knew. Dreams of battle and blood and death. Dreams where they turned on their Jedi and executed them, calm and sure and--

Cody had always had nightmares.

They’d just gotten worse, lately. He hadn’t slept much, since Mustafar. When he had, memories and twisted horrors moved through his mind. He dreamed of Obi-Wan, hunched in a corner, bloody and--

And he woke up with a jerk, in a room that felt strange, his heart threatening to rip apart in his chest. There was a hand on his shoulder, familiar, Obi-Wan saying, “--up, Cody--”

For a moment, the dream and the waking world blended all together, disjointed and confusing. In the dream, he’d been unable to control himself, but he could move his body again, abruptly, the way he wanted to, and Obi-Wan was right there, crouching beside him, radiating concern, and--

There was no thought to Cody grabbing him, his nerves all burning with alarm, with a need to make Obi-Wan safe. Cody pulled Obi-Wan closer and twisted, putting him against the bed. Cody curled his shoulders over, sure, in the confused mess left behind by the nightmares, that a blow was about to fall, ready for his own fist to come down against his back.

It didn’t land, and he blinked, after a beat, the nightmare washing out of his head. Later, he’d realize Obi-Wan probably had a hand in that, pulling it out of his mind and releasing it. It left him shivering, braced, with an arm curled around Obi-Wan, pushed close and into his space, and--

Horror made him jerk back. He’d just grabbed Obi-Wan, without so much as a by-your-leave, put hands on him again. His gut twisted, hard, bitterness flooding his mouth. He made to pull away totally, only to freeze into place when a snag of pressure made him realize that Obi-Wan had, for some reason, grabbed his shirt, fingers clenched tight, holding on.

Cody stared at his grip, for a moment. Obi-Wan’s knuckles were white against his skin. Desperate, just for a moment, before Obi-Wan released his grip, pulling his hand back and turning his face away, panting out, “I’m sorry.”

Cody’s gut twisted, terrible, and he said, “Don’t, you don’t have to--”

“I do. I know,” Obi-Wan said, his eyes focused on the far wall. He looked… better, Cody noticed, with a lurch in his chest. There was some trace of color in his cheeks. “I know you don’t want to touch me, I know, I’m sorry, for--” he dragged in a breath, strangling himself off.

Memories sleeted back through Cody’s head, all at once. He’d… almost put a blaster against the side of his head, hadn’t he? Would have done, and happily pulled the trigger, if Rex hadn’t found him.

He shuddered, swallowing hard, trying to focus on the present moment. He was sitting on the floor of Obi-Wan’s quarters, the door open almost directly across from him. The lights were dim and he ached in approximately a dozen places, both from old wounds and the position he’d slouched into while sleeping.

None of that seemed to matter very much with Obi-Wan saying: I know you don’t want to touch me.

And Rex had - had said all kinds of things, only half of which Cody actually remembered clearly, the previous day had been a blur, but… “I do,” he said, fighting to force the words out, watching Obi-Wan blink towards him, control of his expression slipping. “I want to--make you safe. But I, fuck. I hurt you, Obi-Wan, I--”

“It wasn’t you,” Obi-Wan started, again, and Cody shook his head, hard, knowing he should shift back, give Obi-Wan more space, but…. But the door was open, and Cody itched, all down his spine, and he could restrain himself, but keeping his body between Obi-Wan and everything else made things easier.

He said, hoarse, “But I still remember doing it.” Obi-Wan went still. Cody felt it happen, felt him suck in a breath and hold it. “I remember hitting you. I remember what it felt like to - to force you, and I failed you,” Cody said, the past dragging at him, his voice ruined. “I hurt you. I -- couldn’t stop. I--” And he could almost see Obi-Wan gearing up to disagree, to try to take all the blame for everything onto his own shoulders, Rex’s words echoing in his ears and--

“No,” Obi-Wan said, reaching towards him again and stopping, his hand just frozen there, fingers outstretched, and Cody could read need in his expression, there and gone and buried. “Please, Cody, I should have--”

“Don’t,” Cody bit out, because he wasn’t sure he could actually bear to listen to Obi-Wan trying to blame himself for what had happened again. And he knew, bone-deep, that Obi-Wan was never going to agree that it was his fault. He’d fight, tooth and nail, over it, punishing himself for - for everything Skywalker had done.

Cody shifted, made a choice, thinking about Rex reminding him of things he already knew, that the Jedi weren’t meant to be alone, and lifted a hand, slowly, towards Obi-Wan’s. He went slow, gave Obi-Wan plenty of time to jerk away, and Obi-Wan made a gutted, punched out sound when Cody brushed their fingers together.

Obi-Wan jerked towards him, not away, fingers clenching around Cody’s, tight, as Cody said, “It’s not your fault Skywalker tortured you. Us.”

Obi-Wan froze in the middle of opening his mouth, eyes going wide, shiny in the dark room. “It’s not,” Cody kept going, words catching at his tongue and his teeth, “your responsibility. What he did to all of us. You’re not to blame. How could you have stopped him?”

Obi-Wan blinked, flinching, as though perhaps he’d searched his own mind and fabricated some ways he could have possibly done the impossible. Cody shifted his grip, bringing his other hand up, palm pressed to the back of Obi-Wan’s hand. “It’s not,” Cody repeated, quietly, as Obi-Wan stared across at him, eyes wide and stunned, “your fault.”

Obi-Wan exhaled, shakily, his skin cool as he shifted his fingers, just a little. Cody asked, swallowing, bracing, “Is this alright?”

“Yes,” Obi-Wan said, quickly, before his expression shuttered just a little. “But you don’t have to--”

“Obi-Wan,” Cody tried to find the words to explain the ball of pressure in his chest, the knot that refused to ease, worry and tension and a driving need to make Obi-Wan alright, and-- There was no way to speak it into being, he didn’t know how. He shook his head, instead, and rasped, “I want - if you want - I need--”

And maybe something he said made sense, or maybe Obi-Wan had just always known him well enough to decipher the things he couldn’t say, because Obi-Wan shifted, tugging his hand free; Cody released his grip, worried that he’d squeezed too hard, that he’d hurt Obi-Wan.

Obi-Wan took a little breath, met his gaze, and reached his hand forward, towards Cody’s shoulder. He stopped, a breath away, and asked, “You need this?”

Cody jerked out a nod, shamed to need it, to ask, to expect Obi-Wan to excuse what he’d done, but--

But he could not help the way his shoulders curled over, when Obi-Wan touched him, radiating soothing peace towards him, emotions curling around him, and none of them hurt, it was impossible--

“Sh,” Obi-Wan said, hand sliding to his back, tugging, just a little, and Cody heard the broken noise that came out of his own throat as Obi-Wan shifted closer to him, murmuring, so soft, “Cody, it’s alright.”

Cody made a harsh sound, half-disagreement, but it was muffled because he seemed to have pressed his face against the side of Obi-Wan’s head. His hands shook as he curled an arm up, careful, around Obi-Wan’s back.

Obi-Wan exhaled, ragged, and Cody had not expected him to collapse forward, to grip tight, holding on as Cody made a nonsense sound, holding him carefully, waiting to wake up from this dream, or to have it warp into something awful and nightmarish.

Cody squeezed his eyes closed, wondering if Obi-Wan had needed this all along, if he’d failed, again, and--

And he set all those thoughts aside, for at least a while, curling his other arm around Obi-Wan, holding him there, on the floor, until it stopped feeling like a dream.

#whumptober2020 #alt.10 #nightmares #clone wars #fic #references to past torture and non con #suicide attempt #discussions of suicide #mental anguish #my writing #oof!au #codywan #the last big chunk!#please heed the warnings #fall out of mind control

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alliterative-albatross · 4 years ago

Note

So, I sent you (@disgruntledspacedad) a pretty long ask a while ago (back when you had anon on) and I'm decently sure Tumblr ate it (or maybe you ignored it, in which case, feel free to ignore this one as well). But then I saw one of those "writers appreciate feedback no matter how long" posts, so I'm back here. Here is my mediocre attempt to rewrite my original review of your work. Bear in mind that English is not my first language, so if at any point my phrasing sounds weird to you, you know why. Mandatory disclaimer/apology: this might get a little too long 😅

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

I remember being SO mad at myself for not finding this sooner. I binge read it one afternoon with no thoughts for any real life responsibilities I might have had (and no regrets). Javiears is one hell of an unconventional relationship in the beginning, and I really love what you did with them. The whole premise of your story is quite refreshing, and you somehow manage to convey the trust and mutual respect there two feel for one another without explicitly showing us the beginning of their "entanglement".

Also, fuck you for what you did to poor Emilio, that man was a saint and he deserved better! I honestly can't believe that I got so attached to a character that appeared so little in the story, but it happened, and his death kind of broke my heart.

But the Javiears reunion + mild confession was lovely, and felt completely deserved. And of course the sex scene. I won't lie, I expected a bit better from Javi there, but I did like how utterly /human/ it was. Capturing that humanity, the imperfections in each character is something you're really good at (more on that later).

AFTERSHOCKS

Ah, my emotionally constipated babies who really need to work out their communication issues. I do love them, though. And this short series did a really good job of delving a bit deeper into Ears's and Javi's psyche. Kudos to you for dealing with the medical "aftershocks" of living through an explosion AND using that experience to move your emotional plot forward. These two need to grow a lot before they can get to a stable point in their relationship, and you really manage to convey their insecurity and fear of commitment/intimacy while making it clear that they're in it for the long run and that theirs is a relationship that WILL work out so help them God.

IF I FALL

Ouch. Punch me in the gut while you're at it, why don't you?

But seriously, "If I Fall" is SO FUCKING GOOD. Don't get me wrong, it's angstier than an image of Jesus on the cross (don't judge me, it's Holy Week and I just got home from accompanying my grandma to church), but it somehow works beautifully. You, my dear, play heartstrings like they're a fucking guitar and I AM HERE FOR IT.

You're doing an amazing job at making me feel everything these characters are feeling, which is both awful (bc pain) and impressive.

Also, if anything happens to Ana I will cry, because she is adorable and wonderful and has suffered way too much already and really deserves a break and some cookies.

Also also, if anything happens to Ears I will cry, because she is badass and wonderful and has suffered way too much already and really deserves a break and some cookies.

Also also also, if anything happens to Javi I will cry, because he is loving and wonderful and has suffered way too much already and really deserves a break and some cookies.

Basically, I am really invested in the well-being of these characters and can't wait until they're happy and safe again (please tell me they will be, my heart can't handle much more pain).

A quick note on the angst complaints: yes, this story is way angstier than most other fics out there and it can be a bit too much at times, especially considering how many chapters of pain it's been. BUT it's obvious that "If I Fall" NEEDS this amount of angst to get where it's going, to send the message it wants to and to properly develop its characters. The pain is as important to this story as flour is to bread. You may not like eating flour on its own (I don't think anyone does), but you love bread (because bread is amazing) and you must recognize that bread NEEDS flour to work. It wouldn't be bread otherwise. And eating the flour as part of the bread even makes you like the flour because the bread is just DELICIOUS.

I fully understand and sympathize with the people who have elected to table "If I Fall" until it's completed so they can binge read it knowing there's a happy ending in sight, but in case you're feeling a bit self conscious about all the angst, please know that your story is beautiful not in spite of the pain, but rather /because of it/.

PS: No, I'm not high/drunk, I just really like bread

AUTHOR'S NOTES

Silly thing to comment on, I know, but I do feel like it's important that you know how useful your ANs have been. There are many details in the story that I simply wouldn't fully get without reading your comments at the end of each chapter, and I appreciate your writing a hell of a lot more knowing how deeply you understand and care for each one of your characters. Plus, it is obvious how much work you've put into researching a country and a time period that are (from what I gather) unfamiliar to you, and I really do believe you've done an amazing job of it.

JAVIER PEÑA

My boy. I love your characterization of this complicated character, and I have eagerly read each and every one of your headcanons about him. I can't really say if your version is fully faithful to the source material because it's been a while since I saw Narcos, but your Javi most definitely reads like a real person. He's fairly consistent as a character, and I feel like everything he does is perfectly natural for him to do as a character. He makes for an unconventional yet deeply interesting romantic lead, and so far I have thoroughly enjoyed all his POV chapters/scenes.

OCs

I know you've gotten some flack for making her into an OC halfway into the story, and while I get why the sudden change may have felt like a disappointment for some, I don't share that sentiment. I firmly believe that this fandom is unfairly harsh towards Original Characters and their creators, and I don't really understand why. Listen, I love Reader fics, and consume many Reader fics. I have read dozens, maybe even hundreds, and I can safely say that I've only ever "inserted" myself in approximately 10% of those stories. Reader characters are not as blank as their writers may want them to be. They can't be. They're characters, and character have personalities and moral values and senses of humor and a bunch of other things. Reader characters may not have a backstory or a physical description attached (and even that's not guaranteed), but they're still characters.

And on a more personal note, pretending they're actual blank slates is naive at best and insensitive at worst. Reader characters are American coded 99% of the time, and white coded 95% of the time. Not every readers is white nor American, even if that's the predominant demographic on Tumblr. When I read a JavixReader fic about a woman who speaks exactly zero Spanish, I know she's not me. The story may be beautifully written and have an amazing plot and character development, but the Reader *isn't me*. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, and some of my favorite xReader stories feature a "reader" who couldn't be more different from me, but it's something that enemies of OC fics should take into account. Particularly if they are white and/or American. But I digress.

HANNAH AARONS

Your character is amazing. She's strong, smart, confident, independent and an all-around badass. She gets kidnapped while pregnant and still focuses on problem solving and survival. But she's also overly guarded and mistrustful, and really needs to work on her communication skills. There are times when I absolutely love her and even admire her, and other times when I want to whack her with a slipper. She's no Mary Sue, but remains interesting and likeable throughout the story. She feels wholly human and real, and that's no easy task. I like her, I am invested in her, and I can't wait to see what's next for her. She's a compelling and three dimensional protagonist in a complex story who never fails to draw me in. I love her. She's your baby, and you should be proud of her.

Also, quick question about personality types: I know you've typed Javi as ESFP and Ears as ENTP (100% agree on both, btw), but have you given any thought to their enneagram types? I personally have always seen Ears as being somewhere on the thinking triad, maybe a 7 or even a 6w7, but I'm not too sure about Javi. 9w8 maybe? He could also be a 6w5 🤔

PARTING THOUGHTS

Basically, I love your story, your characters and your writing in general. You are a fantastic storyteller and wordsmith. You get into the heads of incredibly different characters personality-wise (Ears, Javi, Berna...) and manage to capture all of their complexities and quirks every single time. And it doesn't feel like it's something innate for you either. To me, it seems that you have put a lot of work and effort into understanding each and every one of your characters, who they are, why they do what they do and what they want. And let me tell you, all that effort has been more than worth it. "Better Love" is a fanfic, but it wouldn't be out of place in a regular bookstore, if I'm honest. I don't know what you do for a living or if you've ever considered writing professionally, but you clearly have the skills and the drive to create some masterpieces.

You are amazing and your writing is a gift. Thank you for sharing it with us, and have a nice day! ~ 🍪

My friend, I apologize for hoarding your first ask. I’ve been sitting on it because I’m not gonna lie, I enjoy going back and rereading it. It gave me a lot of comfort when I was in a pretty dark place, both personally and in regards to my writing, and I was reluctant to send it out into the the abyss of Tumblr where I might never see it again.

That’s not fair, though. You put just as much effort into sending me that review as I put into my writing, and I apologize for never responding to you.

Okay, anyway, so twice now, you’ve made me cry. In a good way, I promise!

I absolutely love your bread/flour metaphor. It made perfect sense. I want the emotional release of Javi and Hannah’s reunion to be earned, and in order to do that, the angst has to come first (there are also a few plot “ingredients” that have yet to make their appearances). Thank you very much for understanding that, and for voicing it so eloquently.

I appreciate your comments on my research and characterization. You’re correct that I’ve put a lot of time and effort into crafting a universe. In a lot of ways, I’m doing my best to stay true to the source material (regarding culture and timelines in particular), and in others, I’m branching into my own territory.

On that note, I’ve never once regretted fully embracing Hannah Aarons’ identity as an OC. She’s stayed consistent in my mind from the beginning, and it was a relief to finally share my vision of her with the audience. And for the record, I totally agree with you regarding “reader” characters. Every reader insert echoes the perspective of their author, no matter how vague the physical description. I can only imagine how grating that must be from the perspective of a non-white, non-american reader. Thank you so much for sharing your insight! I will certainly keep it in mind the next time I write a “reader insert” fic.

Okay, enneagrams! I am much less familiar with enneagram than I am MBTI, but I agree 110% that Javi is a 9 with a strong 8 wing. I waffled back and forth on Ears a little, but eventually landed on 8w7 for her. It came down to the eight’s deepest fear, which is being controlled. That’s Ears all over, and the fact that she and Javi share that eight willfulness means that they might butt heads a little, which also seems very appropriate for them. Big thanks to @remusstark for her insight into the eight frame of mind - our conversations helped solidify my decision on this. :)

Anyway, I’m just rambling now. The big take-away point that I want you to get is that I am so, so grateful to you, both for your insightful feedback and your dedication in making sure that I actually saw it. You are an absolute gem and a deep thinker, Cookie-Anon, and if you ever feel like sliding into my DM’s, I’d welcome the opportunity to get to know you better.

Mad love and soft hugs,

~ Jay

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lovejustforaday · 4 years ago

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Sonic Youth Albums Ranked (Part 1)

There are few indie/alternative bands that I’d argue are as challenging and engaging, or as formative as Sonic Youth.

From their early days as a radical no wave project, to their mid-career as a hard-hitting noise rock band, to their later years as a mellow indie band with prickly guitar tones, Sonic Youth has reinvented the concept of both the guitar and rock music in general again and again. They’ve probably made at least fifty or so never-before-heard noises with their instruments. Combining these sounds with lyrics that regularly explore disillusionment, nihilism, social transgression, pop culture, feminism, abstract thought, underground scenes, and outsider art — it’s safe to say that Sonic Youth have always gone against the grain.

The members of Sonic Youth are obviously all musicians, but they have also been iconoclasts, satirists, and poets throughout their careers, creating music that demolishes both the conventions of rock as well as the social pretensions of the conservative American lifestyle.

Each member of the main lineup contributes something fundamental to the band:

-Guitarist/vocalist/de-facto leader Thurston Moore, the no-fucks-given anti-rock star icon and visionary (albeit he’s kind of a smug twerp these days)

-Bassist/guitarist/vocalist Kim Gordon, the reserved but sharp-witted feminist and multi-disciplinary artist

-Guitarist/sometimes vocalist Lee Ranaldo, the revolutionary master of bizarre guitar tunings

-Drummer Steve Shelley, whose soft and shy demeanor masks a deliverer of precise, high-speed rhythmic anarchy

I could go on and gush about this band forever, but I’ve decided to settle for writing a big nerdy list all about how I feel each Sonic Youth album holds up when ranked. With 15 proper records in total, there is a lot to digest. Likewise, I highly encourage you if you haven’t already to go listen to some of these LPs for yourself and formulate your own opinions about one of the most fascinating bands to have ever existed. This list is really just my two cents.

Note: we will be focusing on the 15 full-length studio albums recorded under the name “Sonic Youth”. This list does not include the s/t debut EP, nor does it include the “Whitey Album” or the SYR series since those are best understood as separate side projects. This list is going to be long enough as it is anyway.

15. Rather Ripped (2006)

Main Genres: Indie Rock, Alternative Rock

A decent sampling of: Noise Rock

From any other band, this is a perfectly decent album with a few nice, gratifying guitar tones here and there. But as a Sonic Youth album, Rather Ripped sounds like the band is on auto-pilot. This is the band’s only album that to my ears sounds like it could’ve been written by any number of other alternative rock bands at the time. It just lacks a certain essential edge that their music usually has.

It really doesn’t help the case for this record that Thurston Moore began having an affair at this point in the career, and it is disgustingly present in the lyrics in hindsight, with the offensively titled “Sleeping Around” and possibly even “Incinerate” both probably taking inspiration from his dirty little secret.

I usually separate art from the artist to a certain degree, but in this case it really does kill part of the experience, because I can’t help but feel that Thurston is having a stupid little giggle to himself by hiding his affair in plain sight and it’s really just kind of pathetic. Kim Gordon is my favourite member of the band, and to me she’s the epitome of an extremely cool person, which only makes the whole thing worse. Seriously, quit bragging old man.

Speaking of “Incinerate”, I can confidently say that I think this is the band’s most overrated song. Certainly not their worst, but I really can’t fathom how so many people consistently put this up there with “Schizophrenia” or “The Diamond Sea” as one of Sonic Youth’s top five songs when it’s honestly just so...by the numbers.

That being said, Rather Ripped is not ‘bad’ per se, it’s mostly just that it really lacks something the band usually has, which makes the project feel a little soulless. Still, the record has its better moments. “Pink Stream” is rather ethereal sounding, which is pretty rare in the band’s discography given their usual penchant for the bombastic and ear-shattering, or the ominous and unsettling. “Turquoise Boy” is also a nice mellow track that probably could’ve fit in quite well as one of many solid tracks on A Thousand Leaves, albeit most of those tracks would still trounce this one.

Rather Ripped is all-around competent; it’s a pretty consistent listen and a decent enough beginner-level Sonic Youth album in terms of accessibility. But there’s just nothing about this album that really grabs me like literally any of their other LPs. There’s almost none of the band’s personality on this record (save perhaps Thurston’s inflated ego). Perhaps it is best to call it their “least interesting” album instead of their “worst”. Honestly, you could just skip this one and you probably wouldn’t miss much.

6/10

highlights: “Pink Stream”, “Turquoise Boy”

14. The Eternal (2009)

Main Genres: Indie Rock, Alternative Rock

A decent sampling of: Noise Rock

The Eternal is the last LP Sonic Youth put out as a band. With context, the record has somewhat of a somber feeling. Even its name ‘The Eternal’ seems to suggest that the band might’ve known that it would be their last record, as if the album could be at least partially a reflection on the band’s legacy that will eventually go on to outlive each member.

The band really does sound a little burnt out at multiple points on this record, particularly in terms of Thurston’s vocals which can be best described as sounding ‘exhausted’. Again, like Rather Ripped, the music is certainly competent and enjoyable, but it’s also noticeably less adventurous than on earlier LPs. The album is also a bit more sluggish than most of the band’s past work, feeling just about as long as Daydream Nation or Washing Machine despite being well over 10 minutes shorter than either of those LPs.

I’ll be perfectly honest: if it weren’t for “Massage The History”, this record probably wouldn’t be all that much better than Rather Ripped. Kim Gordon gets to have the very last words on the record with this grim and cryptic requiem about hers and Thurston’s relationship, indicating that she was at least partially aware at the time that the two of them were growing apart.

This would be the last album Sonic Youth put out before Kim became fully aware of Thurston’s affair with a younger woman, leading to her divorce and the band’s inevitable breakup. The song is honestly kind of painful to listen to for that reason, but it is also tragically and morbidly beautiful. “Massage The History” is chronologically the last track in the entire Sonic Youth discography which stretches across 15 LPs over the course of three decades, and it’s a very worthy swan song for the band, if also a bitter reminder that most things cannot last.

“Malibu Gas Station” is another standout, a nocturnal alternative rock jam that sounds very much like a track from the Sister-Daydream Nation-Goo era, and yet another example of Kim Gordon’s capabilities as a member of the band. Really, Kim basically carries this entire LP on her shoulders in terms of the lyrics and vocals.

Nevertheless, I like this record for what it represents if nothing else, and I would still say that it is a level above Rather Ripped thanks to the album closer, and more on par with the next couple of albums on this list. However, I would never recommend that anyone start their Sonic Youth journey with this LP. You can listen to their discography in just about any order you want to, but I’d highly recommend that you save this one for last. The Eternal is a mostly bittersweet experience that is best appreciated after hearing the rest of the band’s output.

7/10

highlights: “Massage The History”, “Malibu Gas Station”

13. Experimental Jet Set, Trash, And No Star (1994)

Main Genres: Noise Rock, Alternative Rock

A decent sampling of: Experimental Rock, Post-Punk

Experimental Jet Set, Trash, And No Star came right after the modest commercial success of Goo and Dirty, and I think you can hear on this LP that the band is reacting to that success by trying to resharpen some of the edges that were smoothed out by Butch Vig’s production on Dirty. Basically, this sounds rather like Dirty but less put-together, less consistent, and a lot more raw.

I appreciate that they wanted to do their own thing and challenge expectations again, and you can really tell that the band is mostly playing around on this record, but in this case I gotta say that the songwriting seems to suffer a little because of that.

The album starts off promising enough with two major highlights. First, there’s a rare acoustic offering with the lo-fi opener “Winner’s Blues”, the first of many tracks that would appear on later Sonic Youth LPs proving that Thurston’s vocals can actually be quite soothing. Then there’s the winding, topsy-turvy patterns of “Bull In The Heather” where lyrically Kim mocks the infantilization of women in her usual snarky, sing-talking fashion. Later on the record, there’s also “Bone” which has a very sinister, bluesy swagger to it that I really enjoy.

But everything else from here on out is kind of a mixed bag. The main setback really seems to be the track lengths; it’s actually pretty weird for a Sonic Youth album at this point in the band’s career to be full of songs that are mostly only two or three minutes long like they are on Experimental Jet Set, Trash, and No Star. That’s not inherently bad of course, but a lot of these tracks really only sound like ‘parts’ of a Sonic Youth song; some really good ideas, but largely underdeveloped.

Take “Starfield Road” for example, which takes a whole minute to build up this really cool and bizarre turbulent sound storm, and then Thurston starts singing over it for a couple of bars until it all sorta just stops abruptly. This track could work in theory if it was structured differently. “Mildred Pierce” off of Goo does something similar, but with that track there’s pay off at the end with the sudden wicked, destructive breakdown which catches you off guard, but here there’s simply no pay off for the listener.

Combine the lack of complete songwriting with the fact that this is actually one of the longest tracklistings on any Sonic Youth album at 14 tracks, and you get an album that feels like it’s bloated with lots of filler. Mind you, there’s still a lot of great little moments on this LP, but very few of them come together to make great songs. It’s an excellent sampler of just how many different ways Sonic Youth can play with a riff or make weird new static noises, but with regards to songwriting, Experimental Jet Set, Trash, and No Star feels more like a collection of demo tapes than a proper album. Still, there’s some cool energy on this record and I’d say it’s a worthwhile listen for any diehard fan.

7/10

highlights: “Bull In The Heather”, “Bone”, “Winner’s Blues”

12. NYC Ghosts & Flowers (2000)

Main Genres: Experimental Rock, Noise Rock, Art Rock

A decent sampling of: Post-Rock, Art Punk, Beat Poetry, No Wave

This is a good example of why we can’t have nice things. Somewhere between A Thousand Leaves and this record, Sonic Youth had most of their gear stolen by some jackass, which effectively meant pressing a hard reset button on the band’s sound for at least one album.

Likewise, a lot of people say that this is their worst record, and yeah I get why those people feel that way, but I actually like NYC Ghosts & Flowers for the fact that it forced the band to undergo yet another major sonic transformation. It‘s certainly more consistently interesting than Rather Ripped or The Eternal, just a very strange album in general, and for that it gets some extra points. I should also mention that this is the first of a couple of albums where the band collaborated with the acclaimed avant-garde artist Jim O’Rourke.

With lyrics influenced by the legendary mid-20th century ‘beat poetry’ scene born out of the band’s own New York City, this is the most 'abstract' Sonic Youth ever sounded. You can hear hints of the band’s no wave origins on this record, but with all of the crude chaos of those early LPs replaced with cerebral tension.

It’s also more sparse than any of their other studio albums, even more so than the dark and intangible Bad Moon Rising. Unfortunately, in this case that also leads to some tracks like “Nevermind (What Was It Anyway)” feeling somewhat empty, or perhaps sometimes too monotonous or repetitive without enough sonically gratifying moments.

But there are exceptions, and the middle portion of this album is where the new formula mostly thrives. “Small Flowers Crack Concrete” is vivid post-rock art poetry, not unlike a more noisy, sporadic version of some of the songs off of Slint’s beloved post-rock classic Spiderland. “Side2Side” is very aurally pleasing, with plinkety guitar staccatos and Kim’s voice hopping from one ear to the other like some kind of noise rock ASMR.

“StreamXSonik Subway” is a freaky little track that sounds calmly menacing, and I really like the high-pitch computer-y bloops. But then right after that there’s the seven and a half minute title track “NYC Ghosts & Flowers” which could probably give me a headache if I didn’t distract myself with something else while I was listening to it; truly maybe the worst track of the band’s entire discography if I was asked to pick one.

Overall, I’d say that NYC Ghosts & Flowers is a very artistic and fascinating experience in the moment, but I don’t really end up remembering much of it an hour or two after listening to the record. It just doesn’t really stay with me like some of their other records, and I don’t often feel the need to revisit this LP. I think Sonic Youth does the whole ‘sparseness' thing better when they’re aiming to sound vast, haunting, or nihilistic, as opposed to this kind of small, cerebral, sit-down-in-an-empty-room-and-listen experience which I personally find a bit more suited to other bands.

That being said, I applaud them for taking a lot of risks on this one, and I genuinely like NYC Ghosts & Flowers for the moments where it really does seem to be on the cusp of something groundbreaking. It's also a pretty polarizing record for most listeners, so maybe you’ll love it.

7/10

highlights: “Small Flowers Crack Concrete”, “Side2Side“, “StreamXSonik Subway”

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