#Fuck the author but honestly. Very interestingly written

[usurpator]

This was simultaneously one of the worst and best reading experiences of my life

[domokunrainbowkinz]

babe wake up its time for more manhwa posting!!!!!

titles mentioned:

painter of the night (18+)

bend over backwards (18+)

miscreants and mayhem (18+)

fly me to the moon

why Ophelia couldn't leave

taming the tiger (18+)

walk on water (18+)

codename: anastasia (18+)

the ghost's nocturne (18+)

steel under silk (18+)

dreadful night (18+)

toxin (18+)

smyrna and capri (18+)

roses and champagne (18+)

painter of the night (18+) - listen so many ppl talk abt this one and have hyped it up so much, but unfortunately I didn't really like it 😔 I do like their relationship at the end and they are very loving but the journey....bruh 💀 I just think it could've been so much more interestingly written, and I think most of my problems stem from me just straight up not liking nakyum as a character. the art is very pretty though. I would skip if you're not a fan of passive/weak MC'S who are treated like shit by the ML in the beginning but get stockholmed into developing feelings somehow (I rly don't know how else to explain it IDK MAN). warning for non-con/dub-con between the 2 leads.

bend over backwards (18+) - very cute!!!! it does start out kinda toxic and in like a transactional/coercive FWB situationship, but it doesn't last super duper long and they do end up being very cute and loving. I have this bookmarked as my comfort read 😌

miscreants and mayhem (18+) - HEAR ME OUT THIS ONE SLAPPED OK. I originally was gonna skip this one bc the main pairing is uh about a guy and his step-son 🧍‍♀️. extremely questionable rship and he does get called "dad" when theyre fucking but my 4th wall must be made of titanium bc I was able to look past that due to the way the story was written. it deals a lot with the mc's guilt about failing his family and not being able to raise his step-son, and he blames himself for why his step-son turned out the way he did. a wild ride with the most HWOOOO spicy scenes that i would definitely give a try if you're able to like look past the inherent weirdness of the rship.

fly me to the moon - God this one started out so promising but as soon as the main pairing was established the MC's personality went poof 😭 WHAT HAPPENED TO MY NO-NONSENSE SARCASTIC CHAIN-SMOKING MOMMY....THEY TURNED HER INTO A TYPICAL DAMSEL IN DISTRESS 😭😭 this also was giving "I can't believe it's not omegaverse!!" bc they were talking about like pheromones and scenting and imprinting, it had me going "is this straight omegaverse.....??" I think I knew it was time to drop this when I started caring more about the unhinged insane 2nd ML that everyone hates more than the main couple bc at least he elicits an interesting rxn from the MC rather than the boring ass vanilla insta-love vibes of the main pairing. maybe I just have weird taste 😭

why Ophelia couldn't leave - once again started off promising but started going downhill once the main pairing was established 😔 I think it's bc I was expecting more of a battle of wits or mutual manipulation story, but there wasn't a whole lot of that. i thought the ML's personality was quite flat, bc although i am biased towards obsessive characters, the way he was written just didn't click with me since he has no depth besides "I love ophelia". I did think the slow reveal of the truth behind the parents' death was interesting, they do feed you some info bit by bit, and Ophelia's unreliable narration also helped with the mystery. honestly I was a little mad when I finished this one bc I lowkey felt like I wasted my time 😭

taming the tiger (18+) - by the same author as "miscreants and mayhem", this one was A Ride. this pairing is the definition of matching each others' freak and it also had the best spicy scenes out of all the ones i've read so far like they made me go aWOOGAAAAA!!!!! it can get quite sad near the end but i personally LOVED the way it ended with the side stories....the soulmate-ism of it all.......i would highly recommend this one if you're looking for like something that will make you Feel Things.

walk on water (18+) - by the same author as "under the green light", this one was the most grounded and realistic bl manhwa i've read. at times it gave off almost indie movie vibes with the way the dialogue was written. it deals with discussions surrounding the ethics of like the gay porn industry and the stigma that is attached to sex workers in that industry. would definitely give this one a read!!

codename: anastasia (18+) - the only reason i'm continuing this is bc i think it's finally getting to the good shit after an entire season of me wanting to grab the MC by the shoulders and yelling "HELLO????? YOUR PARTNER IS SUS AS FUCK WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!" for a spy he is kind of stupidt 😭despite that though i did like the banter between the 2 leads, and i'm really curious to see how they will interact in the new season now that uhhhh Shit Happened. anyways huge warning for non-con between the 2 leads like. it was fucked up man.

the ghost's nocturne (18+) - i love supernatural stories, especially ones that deal with folk horror and curses and ghosts, so obvs i liked this one. the art style for this one is SO GOOD, each panel is coloured so beautifully and rendered so well shit had me staring at each panel going "HOW?????" the rship between the nok and jaeshin was pretty iffy in the beginning but it improves pretty quickly once jaeshin explains wtf is going on and they come to an agreement. anyways i'm enjoying this one so far and i am also in love with jaeshin, unfortunately i am not immune to sexy half-ghost man 😔. warning for non-con/dub-con between the 2 leads in the beginning.

steel under silk (18+) - listen when i heard this one was a joseon-dynasty enemies-to-lovers revenge story my ass was clicking into it IMMEDIATELY. i do admit the beginning is a little rough since our MC was acting mainly on impulse and doesn't really have a long-term game plan, but he smartens up and starts to actively scheme around the 20-episode mark. it's so nice seeing both yeonjo and heeryang's perspectives and their thought processes, they each know the other person is scheming and they're constantly thinking of ways to out-scheme the other person to get the upper hand (yeonjo's goal is to gain the governor's trust so he can create an opportunity to assassinate him, while heeryang suspects yeonjo wants to kill him so he constantly blocks opportunities/creates obstacles to make sure he never gets a chance). i am really really curious to see what direction the story takes, especially with the recent chapters that have come out. it's really hard for me to read enemies-to-lovers stories and not compare it to captive prince, which i still consider to be the creme-de-la-creme of enemies to lovers, but so far this one is very promising. warning for dub-con between the 2 leads, and non-con between the MC and another character.

dreadful night (18+) - really unique premise, basically our MC is stuck in a slasher horror game, and he needs to clear all of the endings in order to escape. i'm really enjoying this one bc it's clear the author is a horror-enjoyer with the way they're so knowledgeable about tropes and death flags and like the mechanics of horror games, that has a horror enjoyer myself it made me go "ohohohoho....." they should make more transmigration stories where they transmigrate into a horror game, enough with the fantasy/otome games!!! give me stories where people transmigrate into silent hill or something!!! the ML seems to be an NPC who's sentient and aware of the game, but he also seems a little obsessed with our MC (in a yandere way) so i'm curious to see what his deal is.

toxin (18+) - i usually give something like 20 episodes before i decide if it's for me but like 6 episodes in i went "brother eughhhh". it's an enemies to lovers story but the ML gave me the biggest ick. idk if i just dropped it too early but it's giving colonizer romance (like the ML literally hunted the MC's people for sport and doesn't see them as individuals, he views them as livestock and lower beings). i do get it's enemies to lovers, but this particular brand doesn't appeal to me.

smyrna and capri (18+) - once again by the same author as "miscreants and mayhem" and "taming the tiger", i got curious about their other works since i really enjoyed what i've read from them so far, so i decided to open my heart and try reading an omegaverse story. i think i can conclude that i really don't like omegaverse bc i liked everything about this story except for the pregnancy and pheromone shit 😭i would recommend this if you're a fan of omegaverse, the rship between the 2 leads is very sweet and the alpha is also very very green flag (he is so cute...i lov him...)

roses and champagne (18+) - man this one started off interesting but then went off the rails at the end and made me go "HUH????? okay i guess!!!!" also the MC is a lawyer but he can also be kinda dumb which frustrated me. i did like their relationship in the beginning, but once again Something happens near the end that made me go "oh you Crazy crazy" and i felt like they kinda speedran the ending. there are side-stories, but i honestly lost interest so i stopped following. this is going to sound deranged but this story gave off mad victuuri mafia au vibes. warning for non-con between the 2 leads near the end (where it goes off the rails LOL)

[slytherinsnekxvii]

let's talk about lily evans. she's an interesting character—or rather, the case surrounding her character is quite interesting.

i honestly don't know if i can say i dislike her. by all means, she should be a fan favourite, and she is... but for some rather intriguing reasons.

for one thing, due to the fact she's hardly expanded on in the series, certain parts of the fandom have been forced to either take the few qualities that she displays canonically and amplify them to the extreme (eg. immediate righteous anger at the slightest hint of injustice in fic) or create an entirely new personality (eg. no, i didn't actually disapprove of your pranks, it was just sexual tension). of course, the option of creating a new personality is much more tempting when you can just add amplified canon traits on the side.

for another, her relationship with james sometimes seems likes it's being weaponized against snape and his fans. i've seen arguments that go like "haha, snape just wanted to fuck lily, but james got her in the end anyway, sucks to be you", and not only does it entirely reduce her to an object, it feels like they don't even care about the relationship, the dynamics or the characters. she's basically a plot device.

and thirdly, half of her characterisation in fic is to be a peter stand-in. we don't like the rat man, so let's take the pretty girl and put her in place of the guy who was canonically a member of the marauders, even up until he was named secret keeper. suddenly, she's a prankster and an enabler.

but, snek, you may say, all of that is fanon lily, tho. you just explained that people seem to like her because they just put any personality they want into her as long as she's at least vaguely a good person. you would be right.

let's look at canon lily. she's described as the brightest witch of her age, most everyone speaks favourably of her. in fact, the only people we see actively disliking/being upset with her are petunia, out of jealousy and the invasion of privacy concerning her letter, severus, who lashed out and used a slur that also applied to him in a moment of serious distress and apologised after, and well, pureblood supremacists by virtue of her being muggleborn. interestingly enough, even this dislike manages to develop everyone's character more than it does her own.

as a teenage girl myself, let's look at her actions as a teenage girl. not necessarily in chronological order because I'm writing this at 2am and my memory is already mediocre at best.

1. she's done well enough in school to be considered trustworthy and responsible enough to be a prefect.

okay, i can respect that. a good few of the prefects at my school were really just appointed based on how much the teachers liked you, but at hogwarts, there's so few of them that they must put at least a little effort into it, so i'll move on.

2. she does not press for details when informed that her best friend's life needed to be saved by someone who has been publicly tormenting him for years

now, see, there's no reason why she needs to play therapist. it's not her job, she's just a girl, and we know that snape wasn't supposed to talk about the incident, so he would've been stuck if she had asked for an explanation. however, i also feel like she doesn't seem particularly concerned about his wellbeing, and when he brings up his concerns about lupin, rather than ask for proof, she dismisses it. which, fair enough, i would hate to listen to someone talk about the same thing over and over and over, but, i also feel like the fixation on a theory like that would be cause for concern.

3. she dismisses the actions of a group known to play tricks that harm people and have specifically been tormenting her best friend on the basis that they don't use dark magic

first, i'm going to establish what i usually assume dark magic refers to. aside from jinxes, hexes and curses, i also include anything that produces an effect similar to any of the unforgivables (takes away your life, your free will or your ability to feel safe in your own body, such as when you're in excruciating pain), and magic that would require a sacrifice of some sort.

when snape tries to point out the danger in what the marauders do, she insists that they don't use dark magic. and they don't... but they do use illegal magic. she then argues against the company that snape keeps, which, again, to be fair, is justified considering mulciber's done something to mary macdonald... it's also not a particularly realistic ask. snape probably shares a dorm with these guys, and he's a poor half-blood so he's already on the outs. as far as he knows, any dissent will be met with him getting hexed in his sleep. but, i digress.

given that the marauders have been shown to be doing extremely dangerous with little regards to anyone's safety, and actively tormenting her best friend, i disagree with her choice here. on the other hand, she's made her own friends in gryffindor and perhaps she sees a nicer side of them that we don't get to. she's justified in her actions, but i still disagree.

4. she intervenes when her best friend is hung upside down by a spell of his own invention at the wands of the people who have tormenting him for years

she does object to the marauders' treatment of him, and she does try to get them to let him down. if i were in her position, i would absolutely do the same. i respect the decision to stand up for her friend.

5. she does not seriously attempt to help him or punish the marauders

i do not respect how she handled it. at any point, she could have drawn her wand. but, snek, you say, perhaps she didn't want to get involved physically. she wanted to follow the rules. in that case, at any point, she could taken points, assigned detention, or sent someone to get a member of staff. she does none of those things and i viscerally disagree. if we were ever friends and someone tried to hurt you, i can assure you that i would try to at least see to it that they'd be punished, even if it wasn't immediate or by my own hand. lily, however, chooses to argue rather than take action.

6. she smiles when severus gets hung upside down

chances are, it was more than likely an involuntary reaction, like laughing when your friend has fallen over. however, the fact that it was intentionally written in seems like it's mean to be an indicator that the friendship was already falling apart.

7. she comments on her best friend's poverty and uses a name that's been used to make fun of him after he calls her a slur that also applies to him

she was 100% within her rights to be upset by being called a slur. it is never okay to use slurs. the only situation in which a slur could possibly ever be appropriate would be if you were an oppressed group attempting to reclaim said slur which is not at all what snape was doing here. he was experiencing cruelty, being humiliated, publicly, for no reason beyond existing and he was in distress, choking on soap and upside down. it was damaging to his pride, especially when james suggests that he needs lily to fight his battles for him (paraphrasing) which is an emasculating statement to make, especially to a teenage boy. so, snape lashes out with the most hurtful word he could think of, which happened to be a slur that also applies to him. lily was 100% justified in being upset about this, and she retaliated in kind. she was very much allowed to say what she said. i understand that she was hurt and angry and i respect that, especially as i can't guarantee that i would not have been just as upset in that situation.

8. even when the threat of sexual harassment is made, she still does nothing

i get it, at this point, she's hurt, she's mad, she wants him to suffer since she's a teenage girl and teenage girls hold grudges like it's nobody's business, but... i definitely couldn't just stand by and watch it happen. she basically just let them go through with it.

9. she does not accept her best friend's apology for calling her a slur that also applies to him, effectively burying the friendship

she is, by no means, obligated to continue being friends with him. however, if i were in that position, and the apology was sincere, i would take the friend back.

10. she goes on to date and eventually marry the guy who bullied her former best friend for his entire school life

no. i disagree. but, snek, you say, james changed. no. he didn't. we know, that at this point, james was still going after snape behind lily's back. you can say that she didn't know, but that means that she would have allowed james to lie to her and that doesn't sit right with me bc a relationship built on lies is a relationship that is going to fall apart, especially when your partner has been disappointed by your actions before. you can say that she did know, and that proves that she simply didn't take her responsibilities as head girl seriously enough to stop the head boy from harassing people when she explicitly told him not to. the point is, no. there is no way that this would have worked out as a long term relationship. james is too comfortable lying to her. i can't even say she was justified. there is no circumstance where i personally see this as okay for anybody involved.

alright, so, essentially teenage lily was justified in (most of) her actions, even if i find them questionable.

adult lily dies at 21, while saving her son, but her death also helps save the wizarding world. good job. she, as expected, did what any good mother would.

and that's canon lily.

my thoughts: she's a perfect example of why writing tips are so adamant on making sure people try to show and not tell. we were told that lily is meant to be good and pure and lovely, but the author never bothered to actually prove that, so what we're left with a dissonance between what we see and what we know.

as a result, i still don't know if i truly dislike her. her actions are justified, but they don't match with what we've been told, and we don't have any other information to go off of. at best, i can say for certain that i disagree with many of her choices, despite understanding why she would have made them (except for marrying james potter, uggghh, the only good thing to come out of that was harry and the saving of the wizarding world by extension, ig).

thanks for reading all that, btw! hope it made sense :)

[earthfire-75]

Kashmir

Chapter One, Part Two: Kashmir (The Trick is to Keep Breathing)

Author’s notes: co-written with @nature-and-music , beta-ed by @lady-jane-revisited

A lopsided smile tugged at his lips, “I’ll get them for you.”

“No thank you Robert, Grant gave me the money and I’ll pay for it.”

“Oh please, just one of them then?”

I shook my head, “No it’s fine. Besides, we need to head back.”

He pursed his lips and huffed, “Alright, if you say so.”

The purchase was completed and it was time to head out, however Robert was speaking to the woman behind the counter; or flirting no less. She nodded her head and wrote something down on a note by the dresses that he brought to her.

“Thank you darlin’, have a pleasant rest of your day.”

I chuckled, “Giving her the number to your hotel room?”

“Not exactly, Anjelika. Come on we better hurry, the party’s going to start soon and you still need to do your hair and makeup,” he informed.

Somewhere along the line, we lost the other three band members. Robert took me to the hotel they were staying at, figuring they would all meet up there anyway. He let me borrow his bathroom to change and do my hair and makeup.

“What kind of party is it? Formal or informal?”

“Well, I’m wearing a suit, if that helps?”

I rolled my eyes. “Ok.” I picked out the longer dress and started getting ready. I could hear Robert rummaging around in the other room and assumed he was doing the same. I just finished when Robert knocked on the door.

“I need the mirror, love. Gotta comb out my hair and beard.”

I flung the door open, grabbing the comb from the counter. “Don’t you dare take a comb to those curls! Tell me you have a pick.”

He swallowed. “Technically? I left it at home?”

I didn’t say anything else, but grabbed his hand and pulled him out to the common room and to the couch. I then sat, pulling him down next to me. It was then I noticed what suit he was wearing, and still with his beard. Fuck! He wasn’t yet wearing the jacket, but he had the vest on and the top two or three bottoms of his shirt were left undone. Now it was my turn to swallow hard as I leaned in with the comb to fix his beard. Then I started to run my fingers through his hair carefully.

“If you forget your pick again, use your fingers, not a comb or brush. You could ruin your curls otherwise.”

“I’ll remember that.”

“Good. Now, we should probably get going.”

We both stood and, as Robert grabbed his jacket from the arm of the couch, we left the hotel room and headed downstairs. “The party is being held in the hotel restaurant,” Robert informed me.

At first, the party seemed more like a meet and greet with the other roadies and their tour manager, who seemed unimpressed that I was “some bird” Jimmy picked up off the street. But none of the boys were having it. Robert happily reassured the crew that I was indeed more than “some bird,” that in fact I was assigned to be a part of the touring as well. To be equipped with the behind the scene matters and the roadies would simply need to learn to live with this sudden change. Being the new kid in town was never easy, and I was feeling beyond self conscious about this, however I had to keep my intrusive thoughts at bay. New learning opportunities would be coming up and it was all a matter of learning the ropes. Even if a fair amount of the crew thought of me as another to be shared among the members of the band, especially with Robert since he had locked arms with me.

The party started off fairly quiet at first as we all sat down at our tables to listen to a congratulatory speech from Grant. He had nothing but high expectations for everyone involved and that this tour would be bigger and heavier than the previous one. I felt a hand touch my lap and I followed the arm to see Robert’s concerned expression. I gave him a little smile to reassure him that I was alright. The last thing that I needed to do was interrupt Peter in the middle of his talk, and right before my first day no less.

A line was formed as everyone made their way to be serviced by the chefs. All manner of succulent cuts of meat, freshly cooked fish, bubbling champagne, and assorted hors d'oeuvres were ready to be served. Everything looked so delicious and oh so appetizing, I just simply couldn’t believe my eyes. As we stood in line, I overheard Jonesy and Jimmy mention something, although it was hard to hear amongst the chatter of Robert talking to Bonzo.

“How do you suppose they’ll feel about touring?” Jimmy asked.

Jonesy shrugged, “Well, hopefully their antics won’t take away from the show. And your guitars won’t get demolished as well.”

Jimmy scowled, “If he even thinks about touching any of my guitars, I’ll bash his head in!”

“If you do, she’ll end up giving you a black eye. You know that she has a bit of a ‘short’ temper,” the bassist chuckled. “Besides, I wouldn’t worry about it.”

“Well you're the bass guitar player, none of your things will be obliterated,” Jimmy whined.

Bonzo joined in, “Not unless a certain someone decides to shove a cherry bomb in the strings.”

Jonesy smiled and rolled his eyes, “Well I suppose I’ll just need to stand close to Thunderfingers won’t I?”

Guitars being destroyed? Cherry bombs? My curiosity peaked, however I didn’t want to interrupt their conversation. At least not until I knew a little more of what or who they were referring to. We made our way to the table and enjoyed our delicious food and sparkling drinks. The champagne flowed like rain down our throats as the appetizing meals made our mouths water. A few questions were directed to me regarding how I was feeling about the new job and I answered honestly.

I smiled meekly, “Well I’m very excited about this. This is going to be something different for me for sure, but I’ll do my best.”

“You will darlin’, you will,” Robert smirked as he patted my hand. “So how long have you been playing and singing?”

“Well, for a while actually. I just picked up a few lessons from my dad and just… learned a bit on my own.”

Jimmy noted, “I did a bit of session work when I was a lad. Learned a few things myself along the way.”

Robert butted in, “Well I hope we can hear more of your singing and playing while on tour. I think you’ll sound wonderful, and the audience will love it.”

I felt myself clam up a bit at the prospect of playing before a live audience, even though it was a touching notion on Robert’s part. I didn’t think it was necessary to get myself even more involved than necessary, especially since a fair amount of the road crew weren't exactly pleased with me being here. I gave Robert a little smile and a shrug and let him know that we could put that idea on the back burner.

“I’m curious though…who were the three of you talking about earlier? You mentioned something about guitars being destroyed?” I asked. I had hoped they would have said more by now, but since they hadn’t and my curiosity was getting the better of me…I had to ask.

Jonesy laughed a little. “Interesting wording. We were talking about another band who will be touring with us. Interestingly enough, they are called The Who. They’ve got a habit of destroying their equipment. Jimmy was concerned it might spill over to ours as well.”

I know of them, of course and of that particular habit, though I had thought they had stepped doing so by this time. Then again, it's a different universe, likely also a different timeline. “I see,” I said instead. Looking at Bonzo, I got his attention. It was as good a time as any to talk to him, but I didn’t know what the other boys knew.

“Bonzo? Can we talk? Alone?”

“Uh, sure. Looks like there’s a spot at the bar surprisingly clear of people.”

We got up from the table and walked over to the bar, ordering ourselves a drink before I started the conversation, but Bonzo beat me to it.

“So…yer a Nightbane too?” He asked with such nonchalance.

“Yeah, I am. So are you. Do they know?”

“Yeah, they do. Rob found out first. He was there during my Becoming. Scared the daylights out of ‘im, but it was like he still knew it was me. Jimmy found it ‘fascinating’. Jonesy took it the worst, almost left the band when he first found out. But he came around.”

I nodded in acknowledgment and downed my drink. How did the fact that they all knew Bonzo was a Nightbane make it both a relief and up my anxiety about them finding out I was one too? Would they be able to accept the creature beneath as easily as they had with Bonzo? Granted my other form wasn’t monstrous in the traditional sense, yet, I still worried it would scare them off at best.

Bonzo smiles a little. “Don’t worry, Jonesy might freak out a little, but I really don’t think you need to worry about Rob and Jimmy at all.”

“Thanks, Bonzo.”

Someone cleared their throat behind us and we turned to see Robert. “Sorry to interrupt your conversation, but the other bands just showed up. I thought you might like to meet them, Anjelika.”

He stepped to the side and I found the members of The Who standing there, looking at me. I knew each of them by name and face, even as they introduced themselves, though I did a double take as my eyes landed on the shortest member. There, with the same blue eyes I had seen so many times before, was a very feminine looking Roger Daltrey. Now I know I’m not in my own universe…

“Rogina Daltrey,” she introduced herself to me, her blue eyes never leaving mine.

“Anjelika,” I responded back with a smile and she in return gave me a smirk.

“Bonzo!” Keith uttered, a drink in one hand as he hugged his fellow drummer, “You gained a few stones since last I saw you.”

Bonzo rolled his eyes as he chortled, holding his head in a strong arm grip. Keith complained that his champagne would fall out, but that didn’t stop Bonzo from treating him like a sibling. “Moonie, why don’t you and the lads say hello to our new friend here, yeah?”

John and Pete made their acquaintances, Keith was able to give her a little wave of his hand until Bonzo finally let him go and gave him a good slap on the back.

“You’ll have to excuse Keith, he’s a bit loonie as you can see,” Pete explained. “So what brings you here?”

“Well I’ll be going on tour with the band, and it looks like I’ll be seeing you four as well.”

Rogina interjected, “Is that right? What will you be doing?”

“A roadie, so I’ll be around helping with getting everything ready,” I mentioned.

“She might even do a bit of performing as well,” Robert mentioned proudly.

I was silent as The Who stared at me, my throat becoming dry. I tried to play off his comment as a joke, “Good one Robert. He’s just kidding-”

Rogina tilted her head as she looked at me, “Are you sure? Because if you can sing, we’d love to hear you.”

My heart was pounding, all I could give her was an unsure shrug, “Um, another time… maybe. Say why do you all go get something to eat, the food is very delicious here.”

Keith was already off to find himself a plate, with John closing in behind him. Pete kept himself occupied with discussing business matters with Jimmy and Grant. Rogina on the other hand decided to stay and talk a bit more. Everything about this Roger was pretty much the same: The height, the golden corkscrew curls, ocean blue eyes, toothy grin, muscular arms, and stylish clothing. Still it was odd speaking with her, considering the obvious factors such as a slightly higher register in her voice and the presence of breasts that protruded from her suit.

“So how did you manage to work with Zeppelin?” Rogina asked.

I tried to answer as best as I could, “Oh well… you see Jimmy let me know that a spot was available actually.” I wasn’t sure why I couldn’t tell her that Jimmy had found me like an abandoned cat in an alleyway that he felt sorry for. A little of me to say, but still I couldn’t seem to add that in.

“Is it true what Robert said about you performing? I mean you seemed awfully quiet when he brought it up.”

I sighed at the question, barely keeping myself from pinching the bridge of my nose. “I’m quickly learning that Robert's a little like a puppy…very excitable. I played a little bit for them to prove that I know what I’m doing with the guitars. Something came over me and I sang a little bit too. I never agreed to playing in front of anyone else. Let alone in front of a huge audience.”

Rogina’s smile softened at that. “He really is, though I’m sorry to hear you won’t be playing. The offer is always open and I meant what I said, I'd love to hear from you. if you change your mind.”

I returned her smile and I knew I was going to love this version of Roger too. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

G made his way over with a couple other people, one looked vaguely familiar, the other I didn’t recognize. “Anjelika! I want to introduce you to Ahmet Ertegun, owner of Atlantic Records. He’s here to support the boys. And this is Alice Cooper, joining us on the American leg of the tour.”

Both men stuck a hand out for me to shake. I took Ahmet’s first who placed his other hand over mine gently. “I must thank you for joining the road crew, dear. Though, I must admit, I was shocked to hear you were a woman. Forgive me, I mean no offense, it’s just never been done before.”

I smiled at Ahmet, trying not to take offense. It may be a different universe, but apparently the ‘70’s were still the ‘70’s. Turning to Alice, I shook his hand next, barely recognizing him without the makeup.

“I don’t know if shocked is the word I would have used, but I guess I am a little surprised. Didn’t figure I’d see a female roadie for another decade at least. Don’t get me wrong, I love that women are getting more and more involved in rock. And if anyone gives you any shit, just say the word.”

My smile grew wider at Alice’s genuine words. “Thank you, I appreciate that. Though, I assure you, I can handle myself.”

“I’m certain you can, but the offer is still on the table. I would like to stay and get to know you a little more, but I need to get back to my girlfriend. It was nice meeting you, Anjelika.”

“I’m sure there will be time to get to know each other more on the road and it was nice to meet you too.”

“Fair enough. See you tomorrow, then.” And with that he was off. G and Ahmet soon excused themselves to go talk to the boys and I was left at the bar once more with Rogina next to me.

Rogina sighed, “I know this must be all new to you. Believe me that being a woman involved in rock and roll seems to weird people out, especially guys.”

I gave her a reassuring grin, “Yeah, I’m sure you probably have gone through a lot.”

Rogina took a sip of her flute, “I may have a few stories. One of them involves Keith actually.”

I leaned in, “What happened?”

“Well let’s just say he thought that he could get away with copping a feel. He lost a couple of teeth that night,” Rogina chuckled. “The bastard will never live that moment down.”

I wasn’t sure if I could share a laugh with Rogina, even though she was able to find humor in such a terrible situation. All I could muster was a nervous smile and a nod.

Rogina took another sip of her champagne, rested her head on her palm, and pondered, “So is this your first time working with Zeppelin?”

“Yes actually. And I hope that I’ll do alright while on tour,” I admitted.

“I think you will,” Rogina claimed with a warm smile. “So what would you like to drink? The champagne is alright, but I think I’ll get a whiskey instead.”

I was taken aback, “Oh well… a beer sounds good.”

Truthfully, a Nightbane could easily drink any of these mortals under the table. As to how I would do against Bonzo, a fellow Nightbane, well that would be a matter for another day. Still I was grateful knowing that Bonzo could understand, and hopefully the remainder of Zeppelin, Who, and Cooper would as well. However it was too early to let the rest of them know. In time I would say something, only when the moment felt right.

As we waited for our drinks, I felt a strange looming presence behind me. My throat went dry the moment I turned around to see John Entiwistle, the Ox himself, towering over the two of us. Rogina on the other hand casually remarked, “I thought you were supposed to be babysitting our dear boy.”

“Well quite frankly I need a break from him,” John mentioned with a deep chortle. “I think as long as nothing blows up tonight, he’ll tire himself out eventually.” He gestured to the bartender and asked for a glass of cognac.

Rogina nodded and asked him, “Where did Pete go?”

“Probably talking some poor bastard’s ear off about Lifehouse,” he laughed.

“Oh come on John, the man just wants to share his work to the world,” Rogina noted.

John leaned in towards me, “She says that, but even she gets tired of his songs about teenage angst.”

Rogina scowled at him, “I do not.”

John raised his eyebrows, “Keep telling yourself that Rog. It was Anjelika right?”

I nodded, “Yes John.”

He responded with a handshake, “Pleasure to meet you.”

“And you as well”, I responded with a return of his handshake. “I take Keith's handful?”

Rogina and John laughed. “That’s putting it mildly some days.” John admitted.

“I swear the man can’t not cause trouble in some fashion or another for even a few hours.” Rogina adds.

“I think there’s some unspoken rule that drummers are all crazy,” I chuckled.

“That explains everything, actually.” John said with a chuckle of his own. Rogina just shook her head.

I looked up to see the time on a clock on the wall. Midnight. Where had the time gone? “I should head up to get some sleep, I want to be up early to grab a few things I forgot earlier today from the drug store across the way. Besides, I’m assuming the roadies will be up earlier than the bands to pack up the buses.” Downing the last of my beer, I shook John’s hand again. “It was nice meeting you.” I set the empty bottle on the bar and left a few bills before turning to Rogina. “Thank you for the beer.”

She surprised me by pulling me into a hug instead of giving me a handshake. “Any time. And I’ll add to what Alice said earlier. Anyone gives you any trouble, let me know, I’ll kick their ass.”

“Thank you. But I really need to go.” With that I went to find G to figure out where I would sleep tonight. I found him still with the boys, though it appeared that Ahmet had left. I explained to G that I wanted to get to bed and why, but it was Robert who interjected.

“You can stay in my room for tonight,” Robert offered. “The rest of your things are still there from earlier.”

I had forgotten about that. Hesitantly I nodded in agreement, even if I was worried about what the other roadies, especially Cole, might say. “Alright, as long as this doesn’t become a habit. Just for tonight.”

I could see the disappointment behind Robert’s eyes, but he agreed. “Here, take my key, just leave the door unlocked so I can get in later.”

Nodding, I took the key and thanked him before heading upstairs to the room, getting as comfortable on the couch as I could.

@brownskinsugarplum76 @m-faithfull @jimmys-zeppelin @lady-jane-revisited @firethatgrewsolow @salixfragilis @timetraveller4 @callmethehunter @tremble-and-shake @tophats-n-lespauls @princesspagey @tangerine-page

[pebblysand]

of breakable clay [extended author's notes on chapter viii of castles]

oh my god. it’s out. jesus christ.

okay first off, before i dive into anything, i know i’ve already done this in the actual a/n but i would like to wholeheartedly thank @whiffingbooks over on discord for helping me with figuring out the structure of things fic. although i have to admit i did not, at all, do what i told you i would do, talking it out was massively helpful in figuring this one out, so thanks a million. secondly, i would like send all of my most sincere and affectionate thanks to @whizzfizz on here, who mother-of-god basically designed this entire chapter and listened to me rant, and rant, and rant about it for days on end without complaining. i’ll go into a bit more depth later on, but THANK YOU.

now, a few facts on this chapter before i dive further in:

wordcount: 19168. i legit would apologise for this but i promised i wouldn’t so i’m not going to. that’s growing up people. don’t apologise for yourselves haha.

soundtrack: so i’ve never mentioned this but each chapter kind of has a soundtrack? like a song that i listened to on loop while writing this. here, i would basically point you to the entire spotify of a band called barns courtney (there’s one album and a few eps), i basically listened to all of their songs on loop this past month. i feel like they have such a strong gryffindor energy, in the good, the bad and the ugly. this chapter is definitely sort of an ode to gryffindors so their music was a very big inspo. if i had to point you to one song, it would probably be dopamine.

favourite line: ‘I dig my fingernails into the inside of my palms and it feels like the blood that comes out is already boiling.’

what is this chapter about? now, that’s an easy one. survival.

okay, now, spoilers under the cut.

ugh. holy fucking shit. i’m actually at a stage right now where i strongly believe that no one on earth will want to read this because everyone probably hates me right now for the choices that i made, especially after i made you wait almost three months for this shit. i always feel like whatever i’ve put out was the hardest chapter to write so far but this one was really out there in terms of struggles - i’m really sorry it took so long, but here we are.

there are reasons, though. first, as i said in my may round up, i didn’t really start writing this until about a month ago, because a lot of things were happening in my life that i needed to take care of. i took exams (which i passed!!!!), my mum had a health emergency, ireland added france to their mandatory quarantine list (it has been removed as of yesterday thank. fucking. christ) and i started a new job. it was a lot.

anyway, this being said, when i did get to writing this chapter, as mentioned above in the thank-you section, i kind of first struggled with the structure of it. now, you will see this is a recurring theme this time around but for this, my instincts were telling me one thing, and my brain was saying something else.

basically, what came first here wasn’t the actual content of ginny’s letters (more on that, obviously, in a minute) but the ‘mood’ i wanted for the chapter. i wanted to recreate, both for harry and for the reader, this sort of idea of being completely immersed in a book or a story. like, you know the kind of mood where reality just kind of blends out, where you start reading something and just. cannot. stop. i don’t think he’s much a reader (at least not canonically) and so i wanted this to take him by surprise, for her to take over his life with her words. i explained in the previous a/n [link] i chose to have ginny’s war be told through letters (basically, i thought it would be the best way to narratively tell her story), and i really wanted harry to experience what she’d lived through almost first hand.

now, interestingly, my idea for how to do this originally was to have the letters sort of be interwoven into the events of 1999, throughout the next couple of chapters (meaning this one and chapter nine). i had this idea in my head of him living through ‘real life’ things but not being able to take his mind off her letters, with the letters also sort of echoing the events that were happening in 99, etc. having the two plot lines develop at once and meet in the middle, kind of.

and i tried to write that. for a long time. spoiler alert, it didn’t work. i think the reason is that every time i sat down with it, i felt like i was doing a disservice to both stories. i mean: 97/98 is important, but 99 also is, you know? and by taking the narrative in and out all the time, it was like you couldn’t concentrate on one thing. it was just very messy and didn’t have the intensity i was originally aiming for because it kept being dragged out of whatever was the main action at the time. i wanted harry to get sucked into the narrative, for her letters to take over his life, but in the end, the impression i just got was that the whole thing was confusing af. instead of deeply caring about both, i couldn’t bring myself to care either for ginny’s story, or for his.

also, i just kept hitting a wall: a wall called harry. basically, i knew that the next two chapters (i.e. eight and nine) would stretch from january 99 to june 99. and for the love of god, no matter how many times i turned it around in my head, there was - to me - no way that harry as we know him would just pace himself to read her letters throughout all those months. like, harry fucking potter isn’t the kind of guy who ‘paces’ himself. he’s the kind of guy who doesn’t sleep for a week to get through it all, you know? this is everything that he’s wanted to know since last may, he’s been desperately looking for answers up to this point, there is absolutely not way in hell that he’d wait it out nicely until june. it felt ooc to have him read the letters over a few months. and i just kept hitting that wall over and over. i considered, at one point, building him reading the letters into flashbacks but flashbacks of flashbacks were, again, quite messy, and i don’t think her letters would ever be something he’d volunteer to re-read, so. clearly, it wasn’t working.

then, i think on a random sunday a few weeks ago, i just went back to the drawing board and was like: okay, say we just write all of the letters and go from there, what would happen? by the end of the day, i’d written 12,000 words and that was that, really.

now, the second difficulty, once i’d decided that was…. what you all probably want me to talk about.

i know this is probably not what you want to hear but: i didn’t really plan this? like, i understand that a lot of people have sort of a headcanon about what happened to ginny in that year in hogwarts but i … don’t. like, as planned as this fic is (which it is, i know where i’m going, i promise) that was always a bit of a blank-space-tbd in my head. i think that this story, as hinny as it is, is mostly about harry. and while i knew what i wanted for harry from her telling her story (for him to get sucked in, for him to realise that his war wasn’t the only war in the world ‘cause he’s been bloody self-centered so far, for him to realise that his plan to protect her didn’t exactly work because it didn’t cater for who she is, etc.), i wasn’t really sure what that story was. i mean, i knew it was going to be bad and traumatic, obviously, but i didn’t know what would happen. and still, to me, what i wrote is a version of that year. it’s not really my headcanon (i still don’t really have one), and i definitely accept other versions, if that makes sense.

this being said, i obviously had thought about it a little. i remember writing chapter one with that line: ‘They have sex for the first time, that day – his first time and it feels like hers, too, but he wouldn’t dare ask, not anymore, anyways’ and thinking i wanted to leave the door open. to me, it was a door completely open: it could have indeed been her first time, or she could have seen someone else (consensually) during that year, or she could have been assaulted. i honestly didn’t know but yeah, that was always a possibility in the back of my head.

then, to tell you the truth, when i wrote the first version of this chapter (the 12,000 words i mentioned earlier), it wasn’t there. i sat down and decided that i wasn’t going to go there. firstly, because, while you probably don’t know this, i’ve written about sexual assault before. my previous long fic, children, in another fandom, dealt (in part) with that. and i didn’t want to be the-fic-writer-who-writes-about-sexual-assault. especially because trust me, there are people who are a lot more legitimate to talk about this than i am. i also didn’t feel like it was necessary to the story, i could do without it and still explain ginny’s early behaviour in the fic, explain her trauma, and have harry realise the things i talked about before. secondly, i’ll be honest: i know this isn’t what people in this fandom want to read. the hinny pairing is mostly about love and fluff (which i love, btw, don’t get me wrong) and i was like, ugh, i don’t want to face the angry comments. i’m writing this a/n the morning before posting so i admittedly don’t know what the reaction will be but i do anticipate a lot of annoyance with me. i knew that a lot of people wouldn’t like it if i went there, and it was just easier not to.

but then, as i started editing, there was a comment (and this, ladies and gentlemen, is a testament to how much your comments fucking matter, okay?). a comment that i remembered reading on the previous chapter and could not get out of my head, no matter how much i tried. well, hello, @whizzfizz. i’ll happily give credit where credit is due. it read:

This made me think of something you mentioned earlier in the fic (possibly Ch1) about Harry not being sure if he was Ginny’s first but that it felt like it. I wonder if this is something that is going to come up in her letters to him.

and, so, it turned. around and around in my head, and i couldn’t get it out. and i kept saying to myself: no, you’re not going there. no, you’re not going there. and then, one night, i caved. i was like, fuck, i need to know if this person really meant what i think they meant by this. and so we talked. a lot. and, i did a lot of thinking. about women. about wars. about violence against women as a an inevitable weapon of war. about ginny being harry’s girlfriend, or ex-girlfriend (more on that later), and what that would have meant in their world. and @whizzfizz, you said something that in the end really sold me. you said: ‘at this point, i don’t think it would be realistic for it not to have happened.’ and, that was that, really.

because i was right, initially. amycus/ginny (ugh, the idea of a pairing makes me throw up in my mouth a little but yeah, there it is) isn’t necessary to the story. but i believe it to be necessary to what this story is trying to show. the plot held well without it, no questions asked. 12,000 words of the da and their battles, of ginny’s rebellions. it was fine. but i think i wanted more than fine. to me (and i appreciate how fucking pretentious that is, please slap me in the face *eyeroll*), castles is more than its plot. i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: this is about what is behind ‘all was well.’ it’s about trying to paint a realistic picture of their lives. and that includes the war. and realistically, as far as i’m concerned, knowing how humans fight their wars, knowing our history and the history of violence against women construed as a weapon in literally every conflict there ever was, there is no way that this didn’t happen. ginny says it herself: for us girls, it’s just the way wars are fought.

so, i did go there. and the whole fandom probably hates me for going there, but i sort of stand by it, i have to say. to be honest, on a sort of subconscious level, i kind of wonder: didn’t i always know i was going to go there? like, this fits perfectly into the plot to the point that i think it was probably in my head for much longer than i care to admit. now, i’m so, fucking excited to write next chapter because i finally get to write happy things, and hinny getting back together on rock solid foundations of openness and sharing, and trust, and i’m so, so glad. there are a couple of scenes in the next chapter that i’ve been working towards for months and i’m so, bloody excited to write them. everyone might hate me and i might just be writing this fic for myself now (lol), but again, i stand by the decisions i took. to me, it fits.

phew. okay, now that huge thing is out of the way and explained, here are a few more jumbled thoughts:

the more i think about it, the more i think that my reason for not wanting to be the-fic-writer-who-writes-about-sexual-assault is a bit ridic. children and castles, in that way, are so, so different. like, i appreciate the overlap between the silk fandom and the hp fandom is probably ridiculously small but if you’ve read both stories, they’re obviously very different. one thing that both stories centre on, though, is consent. and to me, that’s probably the most interesting element of ginny/amycus, and the most interesting element of writing characters within a restrictive pov, rather than an omniscient one. like, do i think ginny/amycus is rape? yes. 100%. do i think that ginny thinks it’s rape? that is a much more interesting question. she says it a number of times but i think to her, this is all about control. i think that because of what happened to her with tom, she’s someone who is terrified of losing control of her mind and of her own agency. so as not to lose that, she’s willing to do whatever it takes. it is a ‘you can control my body, but not my thoughts,’ sort of narrative. and, she never says it outright because i think psychologically she’s just not there yet, but tom is everywhere in these letters. and as her world just spirals out, she hangs onto the very few things that she can control: her relationship to harry, and her willingness to do what it takes for them to survive. she initiates the ‘relationship’ with amycus in an attempt to control her fate. later, as she explains to harry she feels a lot of guilt over what she did, and like a lot of sexual assault survivors, she thinks it was her responsibility. because i’m in harry’s head most of the time for this fic, i’m not sure i’ll ever really get to discuss that at length, but it’s definitely something that i wanted to show. another interesting question is: does harry think it’s rape? i think at that point in the fic, he doesn’t have the education, nor the vocabulary for that. i think instinctively (because he is someone who is very instinctive), he doesn’t blame her. if he blames anyone, it’s probably himself. he understands the necessity to do what you have to do to survive and thinks that no, no matter what she claims, that was not consented. that’s kind of what comes out in his annoyingly inarticulate letter to her at the end. beyond that, though, i think he’s a bit lost, just like she is.

on a mildly related note, there is something that i've been seeing a lot in the comments and that i feel like i should maybe address? namely: harry's reaction to ginny dating other people. i assume similar comments will be made about his reaction to ginny/alecto (meaning that he still decides to write to her, at the end of the chapter). i've seen a lot of people observe that he's much more 'chill' about it in castles than in canon. fair point but is he, though? like, he isn't happy about it in castles. and he's jealous as well. but he was never entitled in canon. he was jealous, yes, the chest monster and all that, but he never really did anything about it, and never really impeded on her right to see other people. now, this being said, i agree that in sixth year he might have thrown a tantrum, had she done what she did in castles, but that was sixth year. it was before the war. before he lost half a dozen people. before he had to adult bloody fucking quickly. this being said, i do think castles-Harry is more 'subdued,' i suppose, than canon harry. this is a choice i made early on, which to me is related to the fact that he kind of lost his 'voice' during the war. i mean, it took him six months of people talking shit behind his back to do a press interview to defend himself. i think with ginny, it's a lot of the same. he's a boy who blames himself a lot, and generally doesn't particularly think he deserves the people in his life. to me it's an evolution of his character within the the world of castles. i'm happy to agree to disagree on it, but to me it makes sense within the character evolution and the way the fic's gone, so to speak. now, obviously, he'll grow out of that in due course, but we're not quite there yet.

regarding their relationship, now, i have to say: one headcanon that i did have for this was her not outright telling everyone they’d broken up. i’m sorry, that plan was shit. i just don’t buy for a second that she would willingly have gone ahead with it, and i don’t buy for a second that tom wouldn’t have used her had he known they’d been together, ex girlfriend or not. plus, i think she needed something to hand onto, and that was her relationship with him. her letters. the belief that they would be together again. without it, i don’t think she’d have survived. and i think that summer after the war, they were totally on the same page, for different reasons. both of them kind of saw their relationship as the one thing that kept them afloat, the one good thing they had, partly also because they’d idealised it for so long. she says it as some point, it wasn’t a relationship, it was a lifeline (another sentence i came up with as a response to a comment, lol) and while that is toxic and was meant to crumble at some point, it was necessary for them, both during the war, and in the early days after it. i think her last letter to him is painstakingly correct on that one.

regarding canon, i know i’m bending a couple of things here, which i just wanted to quickly acknowledge: 1) i know jkr has said it’s teddy remus lupin. i just can’t believe, for a moment, that someone who hated himself as much as lupin did, canonically, would name his son after himself. naming his son after his best mate who died to young to become problematic though? i totally see it. so yeah, creative licence, it’s teddy james lupin in this house, lol. 2) when they meet neville in dh, he kind of hints that they’ve only just started to use the room of requirement a couple weeks ago. the text however, only says they’ve only been staying in it full time a couple of weeks ago. i needed them to have somewhere where to meet with the da and stuff, so i bent that a bit. it’s not strictly canon, but it’s also not not canon, if that makes sense.

on seamus blowing things up and talking about eight hundred years of oppression? full disclaimer, while i am french, i have been living in ireland for long enough to become eligible for citizenship in less than six months (yay!). i know some people have said that seamus is a bit of a cliche in the books/films and all (the only irish character keen on blowing things up, haha *eyeroll*), but i actually kind of love it? like, the whole thing about the cranberries and zombie at the start of the fic has been in my head for much longer than i care to admit. i love the idea that there’s this whole muggle war going on at the exact same time that no one ever talks about and actually, i find the idea of wizarding ireland v. muggle ireland and the whole political structure fascinating. like, is wizarding ireland an independent state? what’s the story there? i have a whole seamus fic in my head, partially on this topic, that i might or might not write one day.

lastly, i know this may sound a bit weird but i need to say it: once i’d figured out what and how i was writing it, i bloody loved writing this chapter. first stylistically, i really wanted to mimic the style of how i’d written the magazine article in chapter 5 (i.e. not writing out the whole thing but writing out in text the excerpts that harry focused on) and i love how that turned out. i think it was a good way to balance her words and his, kind of merging them into one, big narrative. second, as a writer, it was so fucking interesting to write someone who knows how to write, which believe it or not i’d never done before. additionally, i loved the challenge of editing this because it was like: i’ve got to edit this, but not too much? i was very careful about modifying and polishing too much of ginny’s speech in the letters because i obviously wanted it to sound like someone who was just writing as the words came to her, without polishing the words, the punctuation, etc. like i usually would. i wanted her to have quirks (she says ‘you know?’ a lot) and i played with her capitalisation and punctuation a bit too. i know these aren’t necessarily noticeable details but it was definitely something that i thought about and that was very fun and interesting to write, as a format.

wow, okay. this was LONG but i think i have everything i wanted to say. if you’ve read all of this (whyyyyy?), thanks so much for sticking around. if you’ve got any questions, anything i didn’t address, do let me know, anon or not, my ask box is open. now, i would love to say i’m going to chill or something, but the truth is that i have to a) actually do a last read through of the fic, lol and b) put it out. this is what i get for writing the a/n before finishing the damn thing, i guess. i’ll rest tomorrow, lol.

lastly, in terms of next chapter, realistically, i’d say eight to ten weeks. i have a full time job now and also, writing this was fucking exhausting and i need to take time out for a bit before coming back to it with a fresh mind. i will be writing other stuff though, i promise. i have a couple of prompts to get to (thanks!!!) and a couple of other ideas so i will probably be posting in the meantime, just not castles.

lots of love,

p.

[dreadnought-dear-captain]

Bisexual Steve Rogers and Fandom Misogyny

CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR CHAPTER 33 OF BAGHDAD WALTZ AND FRANK DISCUSSION OF SEX

I received an interesting comment on this latest chapter of BW that got me thinking a bit about writing a bisexual character, as well as thoughts about misogyny in the fandom. Now, I’ll admit out the gate that this may be a troll comment, but I kind of suspected that I might get some kind of blowback for Steve sleeping with Sharon in this chapter, and I wanted to write something on this subject eventually. I figured it these comments would be more like “HOW DARE” or something of that nature. What I did NOT really expect was  something like “you fucked up, that was disgusting,” which was the nature of this particular comment on Ao3. And while I think the “HOW DARE” comments are completely justified, the whole “eww gross” angle was frankly perplexing, and it made me want to dust off some old thoughts that I’ve had about writing a bisexual character in a fandom that claims to have this robust BISEXUAL STEVE ROGERS thing going for it.

First off, this person claimed that although they “read hetero,” they were still so grossed out by this scene that they refused to even read past it to find out what happens in the rest of the chapter. Godspeed, good reader. They didn’t even remark specifically on being disturbed by the fact that Steve was with Sharon, just on how disgusting the sex was. Now, you can ask my beta - I tried and tried to get away with writing their scene with less detail and enthusiasm, but she held me to task and insisted that I write this with as much detail as I would write Steve sucking cock and enjoying that. Because this character would enjoy both very, very much. And given that this is the deep third person POV, Steve’s enjoyment is paramount and the most important part of the scene. It is essentially a sexual reawakening for him, after being emotionally and biologically shut down for months and months, and so yeah, he needs to get INTO IT in order for that to happen. I believe I did four drafts this scene before it was passable, and I still probably could have done better at conveying his enthusiasm.

The word “disgusting” is maybe the most disturbing part of this reader’s comment, because why is enjoying giving oral sex to a woman “disgusting”? I will give myself a little credit that I didn’t write it so poorly that I belong in porn prison, and I didn’t dance around the details or avoid frank language because… why? He clearly has a thing for oral service, which is highly consistent with his overall character. If he was slobbering and moaning over Bucky’s cock, and it was important that he be drawn to the experience viscerally to pull him from his haze of depression and emotional deadness, I wouldn’t cut the details. I could have included so much more, even. I honestly just wanted to move on and finish the chapter. If it was a cock he was going down on, I also probably wouldn’t have received feedback that it was disgusting. Because Cocks are Good. More on this below.

My beta brought up this point - Why are we often more comfortable with the idea of someone eating ass - where literal shit comes out of - than we are someone going down on a vulva? And don’t get me started on how much nasty ass-eating goes on fics, like eating ass after, say, being in the field for days, unshowered, presumably after taking at least one shit in some cat hole somewhere. (Nom nom nom. So hawt.) Oh, but someone enthusiastically enjoying cunnilingus? FILTHY. Because lady parts are ugly and smelly and disgusting and we should only refer to them (uh, ironically??) as “m’lady’s flowering garden” (thanks for the inspo, @passioninthevines) or some other weird euphemism. Or, better yet, let’s just not have any of that yucky stuff at all. Hetero sex for bisexuals should be penis-in-vagina only, behind closed doors, in the past. Or, better yet, let’s just have it be an idea - a vaguely written jerk-off fantasy about Peggy Carter that never becomes anything.

I’m wondering if some readers throughout the course of BW have had a problem with actually seeing this kind of behaviorally bisexual character, one who truly is very sexually attracted to two genders, rather than one who is just like, yeah, I was into Peggy back into ’40s, who is now old or dead and definitely not a sexual object, but now I love cocks (ALSO?) so I am now an OFFICIAL BISEXUAL STEEB ROGERS! Hooray! Give me all the cocks! Or just whatever OTP cock the author chooses for me to suck/fuck exclusively.

As an important aside, I also don’t want to presume that there’s any “right” way to be bisexual, because we bisexual people already have too many stupid “rules” that we are supposed to follow and we’re never gay or straight enough for anyone. Steve in BW is just one manifestation of a bisexual person. Some bisexual people may be largely attracted to men and only have some minor interest in women or other genders. And/or other permutations of attraction and behavior! But this chapter had two major sex scenes for Steve - one with Sharon and one with Bucky (via fantasy) - in part to demonstrate his equal enthusiasm for both women and men. I even warned everyone at the beginning of this fic that he has an enthusiastic sexual interest in Sharon. This is what that looks like. This is not the first commenter throughout BW history who has expressed problems with Steve’s frank sexual interest in Sharon, though this is the first chapter where it’s been so thoroughly portrayed.

I feel like this is one example of bisexual Steve Rogers getting shit (via me, the bisexual author) for being bisexual because he’s not being the right kind of bisexual. He needs to be a collected, well-behaved bisexual, the kind who has tidy PiV hetero sex behind closed doors, in the past, quietly, with a grimace, while thinking about Bucky Barnes with longing and dismay at how fucked his life is. He can’t actually be into women still. That breaks the rules. Women are supposed to be a concession for the man he can’t have. Because women can’t just be desirable - especially not mothers. And they can���t be sexual beings. They don’t deserve pleasure, anyway, and they definitely don’t deserve to be eaten out with wild enthusiasm by an attractive man who wants them.  

Whether this is a troll or not, I can’t help but think that this speaks to the thick core of misogyny that runs through this fandom. It shows up in the wanton (often violent) killing off of Sharon Carter, the “good bro”-ization of major female characters to ensure they are written as de facto men rather than women, revulsion over hetero sex and vulvas, and the marginalization of bisexuality when it means having enthusiastic, genuine sexual and romantic interest in women as well as men. This is just to name a few. I’m sure there are many more places this insidious problem shows up.

I will gladly buy criticism of Sharon and Steve in this latest chapter of BW for other reasons, like huh, this was a really bad idea, perhaps. This wasn’t considering Steve’s attachment issues. But calling sex “disgusting” because one person possesses a vulva? (Because let’s be honest, trade out Sharon for Bucky or Matt or any other random dude, and I doubt this would even be a comment.) This saddens me more than anything. Honestly, I think this scene turned out well. It was written true to Steve’s POV, and it was very important for his character and for his development at this point in the story.

At the end of the day, it’s not really about whether we think their sex is hot or disgusting; it’s about the POV character and his experience and what it means to him. And whether you like the fact that he likes it or not, Steve is a behaviorally bisexual person (though, interestingly, not a self-identified one, at this point in the story). And this is BW. I don’t know what else people were expecting [shrug emoji]

Thoughts?

[plotsnshots-blog]

Smoking is a Health Risk ft. the Effects on Oestrogen

“…They spray hormones on the wrapping papers,” Clark warned him. “To help women lose weight. You’re filling your lungs with oestrogen.”’

It has occurred to me that a lot of my posts do appear to be about women - unsurprising given my own gender, but surprising when one considers that this book is written by a male author from the perspective of a fourteen-year-old boy.

Anywho, as a follow-up post to my last post, I think it is important to educate people on the health risks of smoking and also the impact it has on women’s health in particular, due to this quote above. 

Whilst tobacco companies clearly did have some sly techniques for marketing cigarettes to women, including telling them it would help them lose weight (see my previous post), they definitely did NOT spray hormones on the wrapping papers, so this is just another point in the book where Alf and Clark are stating opinions as fact which are untrue (a common occurrence which makes them equally more annoying and more comedic and more dumb in our brains). Unintentionally or not, there is some truth to Clark’s words - whilst you are not filling your lungs with oestrogen, there has been evidence that smoking does raise the levels of both oestrogen and testosterone in your body (as well as just generally fucking with your hormone system in general). More under the cut.

Firstly, smoking is the biggest bane of the health industry. If nobody smoked, 1/3 of the cancer deaths that do occur would just not happen. It’s the most preventable cause of death globally and causes 1 in 5 deaths. That should be enough to see the enormous detriment of smoking, honestly, but for completeness, here are the health risks:

You could die of:

Lung cancer - causes 90% of lung cancer-related deaths. If you smoke, your risk of lung cancer goes up 25%.

Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD) - 80% of COPD-related deaths are due to smoking. Basically severe lung damage due to smoke particles being stuck in your lungs making it harder to breathe over time. Includes emphysema and chronic bronchitis (types of lung damage). 

Other cancers - your risk increases for cancer almost anywhere in the body

You are at risk of:

Coronary heart disease - smoking damages your blood vessels, and this makes them thicker and therefore narrower (think of the healing process from this damage leaving a thicker “scar” inside) which means it’s harder for blood to flow, meaning your blood pressure goes up. This means your heart has to work harder and is therefore not as efficient, so clots form leading to:

Heart attack

Stroke

Pulmonary embolism (clot travels to your lungs, inhibiting your ability to breathe)

You could develop these conditions:

Type II diabetes - nicotine raises your blood sugar and makes you more resistant to insulin, making you 30-40% more likely to develop type II diabetes

Rheumatoid arthritis - because smoking damages your blood vessels, it causes widespread inflammation (swelling and other injury responses just inside of you) which your body has to use its immune system to react to. This puts undue pressure on it, predisposing your to rheumatoid arthritis which is an auto-immune disease (when your immune system attacks itself)

Cataracts, glaucoma and dry eyes - once again, damaged blood vessels in your eyes raises pressure there which causes glaucoma. Nicotine has also been associated with macular degeneration and therefore loss of vision via cataracts.

Osteoporosis - your bones become weaker and more susceptible to fractures because nicotine affects your ability to absorb calcium which is what is needed for your bones to become strong and also causes inflammation and releases toxins in the body which can damage bone tissue.

Physical changes:

Teeth and gum disease - everything becomes stained yellow and black because of the tar - hugely unattractive. We all know this one from the back of smoking packaging in Australia (go look it up if curious). 

Wrinkling of the skin (including the face) - because nicotine causes narrowing of the blood vessels to your face, there isn’t enough oxygen and vitamin A getting to your skin, causing wrinkles and the appearance of premature aging. Not so hot.

Weight loss - this is true, and probably the only beneficial side-effect (but is it worth it?). Smoking decreases appetite, metabolism efficiency and therefore caloric absorption so you do lose weight. However, think of the nutrient loss and how unhealthy that could be in itself.

Chronic venous insufficiency and deep vein thrombosis - this is the ugly swollen veins and bruised skin that you get on your legs and is due to blood flow issues and clots in your legs due to damage to the blood vessels

Reduction of fertility - for men and women. Smoking also decreases your chances of successful IVF by half. This is because the toxins you inhale can damage your eggs and sperm and cause DNA damage to them.

Decreased immune function - you will get sick more often/you are more susceptible to falling sick.

But here’s the good news aha.  5 years after you stop smoking, you are no longer at risk for stroke and cancers that are not lung cancer. 10 years after you stop smoking, your chances of developing lung cancer will drop by half. Not bad, huh?

Okay so final note: whilst branding companies definitely did not cover the wrapping papers in oestrogen for lady cigarettes, smoking does have a huge effect on your endocrine (hormone) system, and your oestrogen levels do go up. So here is a short bit on the effects smoking has on oestrogen:

So in brief, oestrogens are a group of sex hormones (ikr, not even a single hormone) which are in both men and women, but in very low quantities in men. It is called a sex hormone because it is what gives girls their secondary sexual characteristics - in other words boobs, periods, wider hips and interestingly, more hair on our heads.

They also help us to look after our reproductive systems, and when we are in the process of getting pregnant and pregnancy, help us to fertilise and develop the egg into an embryo and eventually a baby. 

Oestrogen is made in the ovaries but stored all over the body in tissues like fat, muscle and bone. The release of oestrogen in cycles is what’s responsible for periods.

Smoking increases testosterone (the male sex hormone) and oestrogen post-menopause. There are many reasons that this is bad:

The metabolites of oestrogen (things that oestrogen is broken down into) are toxic and potentially carcinogenic (can cause cancer) so you don’t want too much of that

Oestrogen is what some cancers like breast cancers live off and so too much oestrogen will encourage them to grow

Early menopause - data on this is inconsistent and they are unsure as to how oestrogen levels cause early menopause, however women smokers were found to reach menopause at least a year earlier than non-smokers which is significant, because after menopause your oestrogen levels drop and you become at risk of heart and bone disease which needs to be closely monitored and treated (as well as a host of other yucky symptoms I won’t embellish on ahem vaginal dryness and hot flushes etc.)

So yes, a hopefully informative post, but (because it’s medical) less positive than the others (but still interesting, hopefully). TLDR; smoking is bad for your body.

[herotheshiro]

ok idt i've written abt this manhwa here yet but looked at the latest updates for even if you don't love me and wow uh hm. actually very intrigued by the conflict bw the main 2 rn.

i don't actually really actively follow this manhwa bc i'm not a huge fan of love triangles (does blondie even count as being part of that triangle tho) and rich guys taking advantage of ppl ... yes yes i know seungeon has a change of heart and personality of sorts based on me back-reading lol but also at the same time i'm like HUH at the idea that jiwook somehow actually genuinely likes him back. like i think it's mainly bc jiwook hasn't really had someone really genuinely love him before so he's like uwaaaah ok but again yeah i don't really remember a lot of the developments so. also the recent thing where [spoilers] blondie killed the idol's manager took me out fr, one day i was like oh i wonder what's happening in this manhwa lately and then i fucking open to that.... like the reader comments said, 0 to 100 real damn quick. i honestly thought manager x idol was gonna be a thing but i mean it's def a set up i feel for the idol guy to be a minor antagonist of sorts. slash indicating idol guy is also kind of fucked up based on the fact he was kind of like 'oh you want me to stay quiet? then give me fame/money in exchange' and didn't seem that fucked up over it past him literally witnessing a murder but it was as if he witnessed a stranger being murdered you get me? like he didn't seem that sad over the fact that it was his manager who had tried to protect him who got killed. anyway so blondie gets taken out temporarily and i'm like cool bc idc abt him tbh. i didn't even read his probably tragic backstory

back to the main two. so basically sadly jiwook gets caught up in having to pay back a huge ass loan and i'm just here being like can poor characters in manhwas get a break for once? jesus. anyway i was "ok so they'll prob miscommunicate again and jiwook will not want to tell seungeon abt the loan shit. and bc of the stress of working off that loan jiwook will drift away from seungeon but seungeon will think jiwook is still 'mad' from the other day and misunderstand esp bc jiwook will not clarify". even tho a loan of that severity is a pretty big deal and i'm sure you couldn't help but just blurt it out but i was like so far we know they're prone to miscommunication so ...

(put the rest under cut bc it discusses spoilers re: this development and also it got kind of long lol. tl;dr it's just me discussing where i think the story could go/my thoughts on the story based on present details and extrapolations)

anyway i read the raws for the next part and surprisingly enough jiwook actually does tell him abt the loan and then interestingly we have seungeon visibly taken aback by the loan amount yet still tries to get the money from his fam to help jiwook pay it all off... which is interesting bc that amount is nothing to scoff at even for a rich person. bc assume most of seungeon's previous personal expenses are usually like let's say 500k at the most expensive... (using usd here lol idk korean won. i'm not rich so i honestly have very little idea how much the really expensive stuff is. prob 80-100k would be more realistic as the highest single expense as seungeon prob doesn't like buy out entire companies or something for kicks or get in a ton of accidents, just entertainment purchases) suddenly asking for 1mil all at once is lol. esp since it's not really his own money he's throwing around.

the loan had to come up anyway bc the loan sharks confiscated jiwook's phone and (based on my interp of the raws. didn't translate this part out of korean) saw that seungeon had called him a ton and were like we can harass this friend too heh and jiwook overhearing this was like shit i can't get him involved even more when i already feel some sense of guilt abt him (also just realized writing this that they prob also recognized seungeon's family name and were like HEH SHAKING THE RICH DOWN FOR MONEY TOO? SCORE!! and we already know that jiwook is concerned for seungeon's wellbeing so). i was thinking abt the phone situation too esp with that panel focusing on jiwook handing the phone over with the reader's knowledge that seungeon had called jiwook a ton previously and i mean. of course the loan sharks wouldn't just leave the phone off forever right lol

anyway so yeah jiwook tells seungeon abt the loan and the amount and seungeon seems like he's gonna try to help pay off a majority of it for him... i'm intrigued by this bc it very much feels like jiwook essentially using seungeon and his feelings to help pay off the loan. i mean from the raws it's obvious that jiwook is hesitant to do so but his back is against the wall and he knows seungeon is willing to do a lot of stuff for him... makes me wonder how much their relationship will change after this. i was thinking it would be a case of seungeon going back to the family corp and being like yes i will agree to be your heir even though previously i said i didn't want to so i can get the money to help jiwook, but i back-read and it looks like seungeon already plans to inherit the company anyway so that can't be it.

i also went back and read the first few pages of ch 1 bc i knew it was abt jiwook yelling at seungeon for fucking him over and i used to think it took place when they were adults but now i'm like hmm... maybe it actually takes place in the near future from the current story aka right after high school graduation. which is a little disappointing to me tbh bc then it feels more like those scenes are from the middle of the story rather than at the end (i mean based on the author's last manhwa i know they write hella long stories. and the things jiwook talks abt in those early scenes have already all been laid out on the table) but makes the most sense unless they do a timeskip.

anyway i'll be looking out for the next few updates i guess. it feels like seungeon is willing to do a lot for jiwook to keep his love/affection and i'd like to see if jiwook sticks with his current values of not depending on him or changes to start using jiwook. i mean the loan is a pretty big deal and is def gonna put a strain on their relationship esp seeing their confrontation in ch 1 so even though i'm partially like "god stop with the drama already" i'm also like "ok let's see where this goes". and then there's some plot points that still have to be resolved: blondie and idol guy clearly have to be coming back bc they didn't really get entirely concluded, and there's the whole thing with the sister eventually finding out that the lover seungeon was hiding is actually a guy (bc we gotta get that homophobia aspect in here too ha ha ha (sarcasm)). also i'm afraid for the dog tbh, i was so scared thinking jiwook or seungeon was gonna kick it in the latest ch out of their frustration w each other but they didn't thankfully... but it's prob gonna come up again if you know what i mean and i'm like good god not only we got rape and a murder in this story but also animal abuse ??? i don't wanna see it !!!! anyway i'm telling you now: jiwook is gonna get attached to it and then the loan sharks are gonna come around demanding money that he still doesn't have and they're gonna abuse the dog as a result making jiwook lose it low-key. after the author literally put an entire murder in the story with pretty explicit violence and blood, i don't doubt that it's gonna happen. AND I DON'T WANNA SEE IT!

[ethanjscannell-blog]

3

Apologies, this one is going to be a bit scatter-brained. I’ve been warming myself up to using this like a genuine blog where I can just put my feelings out publicly, but I’m still getting used to it. I’m already starting to feel much better about myself, and oddly enough, more like “myself” again. By that I mean, returning to a state that is as unregulated by a superego / authority as possible. 

Let me begin,

I think that the level of dishonesty that is apparent in any one person is proportional to the amount of unhappiness that the person will feel. Think of yourself as a child, carefree and enjoying the world, playing with your imagination, and having all the freedom to do whatever you wanted so long as you obeyed your parents to a degree (unless you had a shitty childhood idk). 

You were free to act in a totally natural way, including in how you responded to outside stimulus and other people, etc. but over time you needed to put dampeners on those feelings because not everything you did was deemed acceptable by society. And of course not, because bla bla bla, you get it, right? 

so over time you accrue augmentations to your personality by means of conditioned responses to the outside world. that’s fine. but this is also dishonest. it’s not transparent. it’s not really you at all. 

but then we would all act instinctively, like animals, and end up killing and raping each other until we’re full blown tribalism. 

I think there are two modes to the human personality, really... there’s the Id and the Ego, like Freud would say. Every living creature has the Id, which is desires like wanting to survive and fuck anything that moves. Even trees compete for sunlight. 

But what separates us from trees, insects and animals is our possession of the Ego, in other words, consciousness. But let me make it even more simple... it’s called Emotions. 

The state of humanity is therefore proportional to the amount of feelings and emotions we are free to express, which leads me to think that The Freedom of Speech is actually the only thing that matters when it comes to separating us from animals. 

I listened to Jordan Peterson a lot while I was in my alt-right-ish phase. I caught wind of him through other Youtubers and started to listen to his lectures on psychology. He was a really interesting guy, not because of what he was saying exactly, but how he said it. He was giving an accurate description to things and and yet seemed to remain politically neutral on most matters. This was totally different than the other people I was listening to, take Stefan Molyneux for instance (no offense, bro. you’re still a genius). 

Most importantly he was explaining political issues from both sides, as if they were both speaking a language that the other could not understand, and he could be the mediator. This was something I wished would appear in the political climate at the time, because as tensions escalated it seemed that all we needed would be someone to help each side understand the other. 

Peterson had an idea that he mentions as his “message to millennials” which is something along the lines of “clean your own room before you go out and fix the world”. And while this has good merit, and perhaps will lead to some people transforming their lives, I don’t fully agree with it, in part because it’s somewhat of a criticism against people protesting against the powers that be. 

Let me explain, 

Peterson thinks that if we were honest in our own lives and cleared up any dishonesty between how we feel and how we act, eventually this would ripple out in small amounts. First, we would clean our room. Then, we might clean our whole house, then the whole street, then the world. While I like the idea, and like I said, it has good merit... I don’t think it’s very practical. 

Why? Because it’s become incredibly hard (but not impossible) for ANYONE to survive in today’s world without living dishonestly in SOME WAY. We require the help of technology, businesses, money, and all other manner of amenities in order to earn our bread and fucking stay alive. And it’s not entirely clear whether or not these businesses are truly honest themselves.

This is why you have HUGE groups of unemployed people in protests like the Occupy movement. Sure, you may laugh and say “wow, look at them, they’re so pitiful!” But what would your alternative for them be?! To go get jobs and help perpetuate the same fucking businesses that are being dishonest to them? These people are the only ones acting honestly, and your solution would be for them to introduce dishonesty into their lives? 

I sympathize, these people may be acting honestly on real feelings they have, but their actions themselves are pitiful only because they are misinformed. What they should have done (if they were smart enough to make this connection) was go through the courts to make it so each and every business would have to be 100% honest about everything that they do. 

what? that’s fucking crazy! why should a business need to disclose every bit of information about who they are and what they do? how would they compete? how would they survive? 

I’m glad you asked. 

This is where I start to get passionate. 

A business, at its most fundamental level, is a transaction between two people over goods that they own, or whatever. Over time, that business might grow to include more people performing the labor required to make the product, and through this process, the business becomes further distanced from its customers. 

Who cares? Well, it wouldn’t have been so easy to sell your clay pots to Geraldo down the street if he knew you were making them with a mixture of 80% clay and 20% bullshit. But once you become a big business, those kinds of changes become necessary, apparently. 

Do you see what I’m getting at? 

Imagine the Google search engine when it was first created - it just searched for certain keywords and then returned some results. And it was really fucking good. So good, that you keep using it over and over until it becomes necessary to use it when you have any question. 

One day they realize this and think to themselves, gee, we could make some money off this if we compromise our original values and be a little bit dishonest with people. Fuck yeah, let’s do it! So they start collecting your information, lots and lots of it, with your implied permission (why else would you be using it?!). And to this day, Google is running strong. 

But what if they had been completely honest from the get go? What if they had said “we’re going to start collecting information from you because we want to sell it to other companies. Oh, and we’re going to start implementing a user interface that hijacks your dopamine pathways so that you’ll keep using our service, even though there’s no outcome to you for doing this. And there’s some other shit we won’t tell you about...”

If THIS were written explicitly in the Terms and Conditions, don’t you think some people would have slowly backed away? Don’t you think that some group of people wouldn’t have attempted to create a BETTER search engine that doesn’t include this bullshit? So tell me, how does a lack of transparency actually promote competition and innovation? I genuinely want to know. 

I mentioned in my number 1 post that if I mysteriously go missing, you’ll know to investigate the government first. However, I want to edit that now. 

The government isn’t the problem, per say. The problem is their inability to protect me from people who want to enslave me. Ideally, government is supposed to represent the people, and so the start to protecting us would be to stop treating businesses like people and granting them the privacy they need to be dishonest with us. 

Do you think this is ridiculous? The first step to wisdom is to call things by their true name. 

Why do you think that Jesus and Buddha were such monumental figures? What do they have in common?

I like to think of them both as people who were really good at seeing society in its most transparent form. They knew somehow that there was a TRUE way for people to live that was the most natural, and that society was making it impossible for some people to live that way. Jesus and Buddha are just examples of people who wanted to live as true as possible, but their approaches were quite different. 

I would label Jesus’s approach as more of a Revolution approach. He saw that the Romans or whatever were ignoring the fundamental values that they claimed to live by, resulting in large groups of people suffering as peasants and outsiders. He wanted to change it, so he started revealing what the Romans were doing and, out of fear of revolution, they killed him. Woo hoo, sacrifice! The Roman empire collapsed not long afterwards, just like Jesus said it would. 

The Buddha or Siddhartha or whatever you want to call him approached the truth from more of a Protest angle. Whereas Jesus wanted to change the society, Sidd decided that there was nothing he could do about it directly, so he lead by example. He attempted to rid himself of all desires such that there was nothing that society could really offer him. I think this is a less powerful approach, but it effectively does the same job of indicating that there is something wrong with society as it is. 

These are obviously very simplified versions of their stories, but I did this on purpose to illustrate a connection I see with modern day society. 

More and more we see people opting out either through drug use, running away, or becoming welfare basement dwellers. Why? These people have feelings which are totally legitimate and real concerns that can’t be easily answered by society. And so, interestingly, their feelings are forcing them to protest society at the cost of their own lives. Most of them cannot explain it this way, but I believe it is the truth. Modern day Buddhas. 

The others are out in the streets, protesting at rallies and crying out to the people in power to be honest with everyone else. If Jesus was alive today, what do you think he’d be doing? 

Anyway that’s it for now. Hopefully I don’t sound like a guy who’s too overly paranoid or someone with lots of observations but no solutions. I’ve only just started to open up about all my thoughts so there’s more to come. 

As for any dishonest businesses out there reading this and thinking “oh shit”. Well repent now, lawyer up, and do whatever you gotta do, because I’ll be coming for YOU, motherfucker. And if I go missing then you know where to start.

;)

Love, me. 

[dictacontrion]

Hey there! I always wanted to ask: as a writer, which literary works have influenced you the most? :)

Hi anon!!! This ask is so much fun to think about loads of non-fiction - creative essays, memoir, scholarly stuff, news - and still do. I took a lot of literature classes, so I was reading things from different historical periods, different countries, authors with different types of experiences. I’m pretty omnivorous when it comes to reading, and thinking through what I like most in each type of reading has done a lot to influence what I want my own writing to do.

But of course, there are faves! Or, not necessarily faves, but things that have stuck with me and that I’ve thought more about and been more influenced by. When I was little, Anne of Green Gables and Little Women, and thank goodness for Lucy Maud Montgomery and Louisa May Alcott and the people who gave me those books, for making the first stories I read ones where women were complex and had interiority and complexity and ambition and skill and were loved because of it, not in spite of it. There was a pretty formative Vonnegut phase, and I still admire his ability to make complex points with simply told very accessible stories, and the sort of line-blurring he does between sci-fi and not-sci-fi storytelling. David Foster Wallace’s essays and short stories have been big; his voice is very much his own, his writing is smart, his observations are incisive and funny, and his work manages to convey so many emotions simultaneously that I’m often blown away (can’t let you go without recommending “A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again.”) Adrienne Rich and Audre Lorde, in addition to being my heroes, are phenomenal at giving form to unspoken things and pinpointing exactly that thing you felt, and somehow always knew, but didn’t have words for They’ve influenced my life as much as my writing, but their ability to articulate experience honestly and beautifully and unflinchingly is where I admire them most as writers, and I hope I’m influenced by that.

There are so many more. A whole bunch of queer theorists for how they combine the political and the aesthetic. The way Ralph Ellison uses metaphor in Invisible Man, the way Jeannette Winterson uses gender in Written on the Body, Dorothy Allison’s unwavering gaze in everything. Details in specific scenes in so, so many more books. A whole bunch of people who engage magical realism in different ways (interestingly, though perhaps not surprisingly, I think that has made it easier to write about wizards). A whole bunch of books that were influential because I didn’t like them (Jack Kerouac can jump in a fucking lake, pretentious dirtbag). And that’s not even getting into writing for TV and film, which I guarantee you has done just as much, if not more, for my sense of language and narrative.

Also, I know we don’t usually talk about these things in the same breath, but I don’t want to undersell how much other fanfiction writers have influenced me. After a very long spell of reading only nonfiction, it was @femmequixotic’s writing that reminded me that beautiful, evocative writing and the pleasure that comes from richly drawn worlds is a worthwhile end unto itself, and that’s what made me want to write fiction again at all. @firethesound‘s humor gives her stories a lightness and heart that’s made me way more interested in being a funny writer than I’d ever been before, curiouslyfic and abbycadabra makes me want to play with abstraction again, @eidheann reminds me that including my characters’ less noble reactions makes them realer and truer and shouldn’t be shied away from, @vaysh11 males me want to push my descriptive skills, blamebrampton made me want to try setting human stories against politics, @lol-zeitgeistic made me think through my world-building foundations in a whole new way, frayach and kedavranox made me want to explore darker themes, @icmezzo made me want to try writing magic front and center and making it visual and beautiful, so many people made me want to try writing sex and seeing what that could do for a story, which I’d never done before, and really, I could go on and on and on.

Truly, every time I read a great new fic, there’s something I take away. In just the last round of erised, birdsofshore’s Lumos made me want to think more about how magic would feel in the body, @thistle-verse‘s A Ghost in the Garden has me thinking about how to use tropes and how to more richly use canon, @femmequixotic and @noeeon’s Boom Clap (The Sound of My Heart) has me thinking about how to make canon richer and how to give familiar settings and characters new life, @blithelybonny‘s 1,000 Points from Gryffindor has me thinking about story structure and how to build OCs, @ravenclawsquill’s The Full Four Seasons has me thinking about when and how and why characters’ sexual identities matter and how to resolve conflicts around characters doing complicated things, A Ghost in the Garden and @lol-zeitgeistic’s Antediluvia both have me thinking about how to tell stories in fictional worlds that feel relevant to our own and how to do it without making the world seem bleak, and listen, I could go on and on and on some more, and still be talking about that one fest in this one fandom.

I still wouldn’t have have touched how These Inconvenient Fireworks made me rethink genre, or how Pull Me Under made me rethink coming out stories, or how tell me about the big bang made me rethink structure and how we write intimacy.

And I could talk about all of that and still not have touched how much the existence of fanfiction changed my writing - how accessible it makes it, how freeing it is to write in a context that transcends the boundaries that can pigeonhole published works, how it is to write in this kind of community of writers and readers, how much I love the variety, how much it’s shifted my sense of what makes writing worth doing, how much less it’s made me focus on what makes Literature Good and how much more it’s made me focus on what makes stories move people, what makes words reach into your chest and find something there that needs knowing.

So: fanfiction, dear anon. Fanfiction may be the most influential literature of all.

[nicemango-feed]

On Aziz Ansari: Let's Set the bar Higher than 'Not Rape'

I've had a hard time getting myself to sit down and write about this. I've procrastinated for days, always finding something else to do, other than think about this blogpost....or the Twitterhate writing about this subject could bring, from the antis and 'Rational Centrists' - who are usually...you know... *totally*  believably moderate and Center in their politics.  It's sad that we live in a world where being a feminist or simply a woman speaking up about sexual harassment/abuse/coercion/inappropriateness is a controversial position on the internet.  Many tend to be more concerned about the careers of the accused being DESTROYED than what the victim might have gone through, and how their lives might have been affected. And, all this in a world where a self professed sexual predator was elected to lead one of the most powerful countries in the world. 

His career seems fine, so far. 

***

There are so many thoughts buzzing around in my head...things that I’m recalling, that I’d rather not. I'm reluctantly combing through my relevant memories, because these #MeToo stories cause them all to surface. Those experiences in uni, on a packed bus, at work...with a boss creepily running his finger down my neck, bare shoulder and along my ear... (was it my fault for wearing an off shoulder top?) are all coming back to me. Another experience comes to mind, one with a doctor responsible for putting me under before a surgery - who leaned in and called me 'sexy'...as I lay there on the operating table about to be knocked out cold.  I clench my jaw just thinking about it. There are so many ways that behaviour can be sexually inappropriate, a whole spectrum exists. It's not always as black and white as rape vs. not rape, attack vs. no attack...it doesn't actually have to be an 'attack' to violate someone. And some very important, oft-neglected conversations lie in those grey areas.  The thing that bothers me most about the discussion revolving around #MeToo, other than those trying to discredit the whole movement as some sort of hysterical, puritanical sex panic/witch hunt, is the binary thinking - That either this movement is perfection, impossibly unflawed....or that it is unfair and worth delegitimizing entirely... 'angry women' apparently now hold a lot of 'power' over some potentially innocent men that will get caught up in this. Will somebody please think of the accused men?!!

Sigh. If I were Aziz, I'd honestly cringe at the kinds of things being written in my defense.

(Click to enlarge) Interestingly. the writer of the above piece defending Aziz is also the author of this gem. "Having so many choices, Caitlin Flanagan maintains, has torn women away from what many of them want most: to raise a family and run a household. "  I bet this is on Peterson's reading list.

The attempts to discredit a general conversation about sexual behaviour that crosses the line, takes me back to my experiences with conservative opinions in Saudi and Pakistan.  While of course not at all comparable in the power they wield over dissenters or the degree of blatant misogyny...the underlying distaste for women having these conversations, reminds me of what I've seen in the other countries I've lived in. There are definitely some common themes, harder to ignore in these Trumpian times, as the better packaging comes undone.   However, despite some fierce criticisms, a very important discussion has opened up. And I for one am pleased to see the walls of silence come crumbling down, inspiring women around the globe, including in my motherland, Pakistan. As difficult as these conversations are, they need to be had. Finally…finally, women are being heard on this. Finally the grey areas are up for discussion...

There's this ridiculous idea that if it’s not a Harvey Weinstein level of abuse then it’s basically not worth criticizing. 

Firstly, I haven't seen anyone equate Aziz to Weinstein, and secondly why the fuck isn't something less than that worth talking about? The complaint isn't that it just wasn't romantic enough ffs. 

I'd even say the behaviours and incidents that are not on the worse end of the spectrum are probably personally relevant to more people.

It might be hard to come to terms with for some  -- especially those who are now having to question their own past actions -- but lets face it, sexual mores change, evolve and have *always* done so. 

This isn't some new thing sprung upon us by the 'spoiled, shrill, unreasonable, sjw' feminists of this decade. 

Once upon a time in popular media, Pepe le Pew's courting tactics were considered acceptable for children to view, hilarious even. 

Now, we know better. 

*** 

Many things can simultaneously be true in regard to this story & #MeToo, this is what most of the pushback doesn't get:

1) Of course it is in no way comparable to Weinstein, and 'Grace' from the story isn't saying that it is. 

2) It still paints a concerning picture.

3) The Babe article was done irresponsibly, it's focus on irrelevant minute details like the wine, etc. were damaging to the story.

4) It still started an important conversation.

5) Just because it isn't rape or about workplace harassment, doesn't mean it can't be included in #MeToo.

6) Criticizing people who are less than serial rapists doesn't mean it's a witchhunt. 

7) Yes there are bad takes happening in #MeToo, some blanketly throwing men under the bus. That is unavoidable in a conversation where literally anyone and everyone is chiming in. We should call those out too.

8) Some bad takes do not discredit all of #MeToo.

***

There are already many people like Christina Sommers, who will defend Milo at his worst, 

Now deleted whataboutery deflecting from criticism of milo making comments about real ppl, actual consent. Not a play. 

But are waiting to jump at the slightest chance to discredit this entire movement, 

Not well reported but definitely not 'baseless', even he did not deny any of it. 

The skeptosphere in particular has been painfully swamped with praise for the ‘brave women’ who speak out against #MeToo (because of course),

Not to mention this very article laid out that the 'brave woman' being praised also defended Roman Polanski. Then I was also linked to this, and it seemed he engaged and didn't deny defending someone who was jailed for paying underage sex workers. :(

There are takes involving the revolting hashtag #MeNeither (yes that's really a hashtag dedicated to people who haven't been sexually abused talking about flaunting how they haven't in the faces of those who have), that frankly strike me as reminiscent of women who insist that because *they* had a choice around the hijab and niqab, that those things are not oppressive. We have plenty such women in Pakistan and Saudi, so many of these systems would not have thrived so long without the help of women who have a case of internalized sexism. Their western counterparts are now more openly flaunting their positions, in this absurd Petersonian era of the Skeptosphere. I mean #TradLife is a meme that exists now and isn't laughed out of existence. 

Yes yes unbunch your undies, I repeat, I know Saudi Arabia is worse and much more oppressive, and that women in Pakistan have a way tougher battle for rights ahead of them than western women do. I’ve heard that dismissing tactic enough times. 

There can exist similarities with differing degrees of intensity. 

But just imagine #MeNeither being used to oppose a hashtag where women were speaking up about religiously motivated abuse and mutilation like FGM. These same #MeNeither skeptics would see it for the disgusting minimization that it is. 

Aside from all this, there are also the deeply disappointing 'maybe Sandusky [convicted serial child rapist] is innocent' takes by Jerry Coyne and in Skeptic magazine. Jerry also expressed sympathy for poor Milo after his whole pedophilia scandal. 

Before I am accused of taking it 'out of context' let me just say here's a link to the whole piece read it and cringe for yourself. 

The great Skeptic magazine also wrote a glowing review of Milo's book after this whole scandal. 

There are endless examples of concerning attitudes on this subject among 'skeptics' (see Amos Yee & the number of people that stepped up to defend or minimize Sargon tweeting 'I wouldn't even rape you', those that applauded it at an atheist/skeptic conference) ...but that's a separate blogpost in itself. 

Back to this story now;

This story hurt. 

Aziz Ansari cuts deep, he’s a successful brown Muslim comedian…such success in hollywood is rare for brown people. I have been rooting for him from the start. I grew up longing to see faces like mine on TV...and now...there he was. Oh Aziz 

:(

He’s a non traditional secular guy too who makes shows about his complicated relationship with his parents religious expectations, about the first time he snuck off with his cousin to have some pork. 

There is so much that deeply and personally resonates with me. He's repping secular people of muslim background in a not anti-muslim way...which is just so rare and so important. It really hurts to see him criticized like this, and it hurts to read about how he conducted himself.

I don't criticize him lightly or easily, but even I can see that some criticism is warranted. 

It also hurts because conservative muslims have already long attacked him with garbage takes like ‘hollywood only accepts secular muslims’ 

Really now. Hollywood only accepts secular Muslims? 

 ....And now they're using this story to say that it was his secularism or westernization that are to blame. Which is such rubbish - as if traditional muslim men who have clung to their religiosity and culture do not mistreat women..as if men directly from the old country do not mistreat women. 

I am so sick of people injecting their terrible agendas into #MeToo…be it anti-feminist, anti-western, anti-left, anti-porn, anti-casual sex....This isn't about any of those things...It's about sexual abuse and misconduct in whatever forms it may occur. 

This isn't hard.

On the flip side of anti-secular I've also seen pathetic anti-Muslim takes. 

Right, I suppose it was Cosby, Weinstein, Louis CK, Spacey & James Franco's Muslim upbringing that caused them to behave this way...I mean, obviously there are some religious hypocrites, sexually repressed who act out this way. But Aziz's story clearly isn't to do with his being of Muslim background. I forget which hadith says, 'demand a blowjob in the first 10 mins of a date'. 

I’ve also seen embarrassing ex-muslim takes, bringing Mohammed, (the prophet) into this whole thing? I mean why… this conversation is about people that...at the very least, have recently existed? 

Are we going to bring Henry VIII into it too? This is such foolishness, and such a stretch to find a way to drag Islam into it. Why do they insist on making Islam criticism so cringeworthy? Islam certainly has some terrible beliefs surrounding treatment of women, most Abrahamic religions do. But when you're grasping at straws like this and inserting mohammed into conversations like #MeToo , it just makes your criticism appear silly.  

A better way would be to call out people who use religion/Islam to justify things like child marriage or sexual abuse today.. that would be relevant… unlike dragging Mo in all the way from 7th century Arabia. 

As for the anti left takes... OH MAH GAWD THE HYSTERICAL LEFT IS ON A WITCHHUNT AGAIN *eyeroll*....Yes absolutely there are some extreme takes on the left that make me cringe. Just the other day I saw one with like 25K retweets saying that men should act like their name could be on a list. I don’t think that preemptively instilling fear in innocent people is the right lesson to take from this at all. 

Then there was someone I encountered who claimed that STEM was immoral because Krauss tweeted that disappointing article. I mean, come on...what a ridiculous conclusion. 

I’m happy to call those views out without dismissing the whole of #MeToo. 

What I’m tired of seeing (particularly in the skeptosphere) are people who’ve not uttered a peep in support of women speaking out against predators but as soon as they get the opportunity to tweet an article questioning #MeToo, they’ll be all over that. 

(click to enlarge) An screenshot from an actual article Michael Shermer tweeted out about #MeToo - apparently the voices of women who have had enjoyable sexual experiences are missing from #MeToo...well no shit. 

***

Aziz’s case was a good way to see who’s just looking to delegitimize this entire conversation and who's willing to acknowledge the flaws in the Babe article... while also saying, "this is something we need to discuss, as we are currently redefining and renegotiating the boundaries of appropriate sexual behaviour. That is literally the point of this. Remember, at one time marital rape was not acknowledged...these boundaries continue to shift as culture shifts - and to be clear, I'm not saying this case was rape.

What makes Aziz’s case especially worthy of criticism is the context that he literally wrote a book on the nuances of modern dating,

"In Modern Romance, Ansari combines his irreverent humor with cutting-edge social science to give us an unforgettable tour of our new romantic world." 

And let's remember that some of these cases have only surfaced because the women involved saw these men shamelessly flaunting a #TimesUp pin after having treated them in this way.

Aziz has often used feminism in his comedy, has talked about being a feminist and encouraged people to use the word. It's perfectly fair to call him on his unfeminist behaviour.

Some of what was detailed in that ‘Babe’ piece was pretty horrifying, I can't even believe this is up for debate or being characterized as her wanting him to be a 'mindreader'. 

She physically removed her hand from his dick 5-7 times….she said she pulled away... went limp and stopped moving her mouth, she told him she didn’t want to feel forced…when he asked about sex she said 'next time'...

What about this is confusing or unclear? What part requires mindreading? What has made people behave so viciously towards Grace...the fact that it wasn't rape? Come on...is that where we are as a society? Our bar should be set well above 'not rape'. 

He's a celebrity she has admired, it could easily have been intimidating for her when he started undressing her so immediately. She understandably needed a moment to process wtf was happening. She gave him enough cues to stop and he didn't...until she stood up and said no yet again. Even after all that he tried to kiss her again, reached to try and unbutton her pants again. Can a woman not expect to sit at a first-time date's house without getting felt up and kissed constantly? 

He doesn’t seem to have denied any of the things she’s listed, just that it was interpreted differently by him. And he might be right, he may not have even noticed doing anything wrong...Which is what’s appalling, this is the conversation that hasn’t happened properly.  Now is the time people are going to speak up about boundaries in the bedroom. 

Some responses to this were so cruel, so vicious...it was hard to even look. 

  The victim blaming in relation to this case is just everywhere…the articles I’ve seen are unbelievable. How are we *still* having these discussions. Some of it perhaps, can be explained by a generational difference in perception. There's this idea that younger feminists are not tough enough, spoiled even. Feminists back in the day were fighting the 'real' fight, this is just shallow frivolous stuff now. 

I mean of course there are some ridiculous fringe views in feminism too, but these are exaggerated to try and discredit the whole of it. 

Being taken seriously when demanding progress has been a struggle for each generation. 

Sarcasm Font:

Worry not, silly Regressives...everything is *great* now, feminism has achieved it's goals and therefore has become unnecessary - Because things are not *as* bad as they once were, because women are now seen as 'equal under the law'.... there's no problem. Kind of like how racism is over too. Especially post-Obama, there has been no racism in the US ever again. You know where they need feminism? In those other countries, those people over there don't know how to treat women. Us in the glorious West thankfully have it all worked out. 

***

In seriousness though, one of the best responses I've seen to an accusation (not a perfectly comparable situation but one that is also 'not rape') is from Dan Harmon of the show Community who recorded a heartfelt apology on his podcast. 

Here’s a weird one for you: Last week, I called out my former boss @danharmon for sexual harassment, and today I’m going to ask you to listen to his podcast. https://t.co/BEZAWH787V

— Megan Ganz (@meganganz) January 11, 2018

Now Grace’s critics might also look at this situation and see something that required no apology, but in my opinion his words did a lot of good. It set a great example for something like this to be done again. 

Megan Ganz was a writer on the show that he had feelings for which soon became incredibly uncomfortable for her. Here are some quotes from his recorded apology below, which I think are especially significant in this climate. Too many people still insist that anything less than rape or Harvey Weinstein isn't worth discussing.

He made sure to tell his audience that attacking her or revictimizing her would do him no favours. 

He used language like “Attracted to a writer I had power over” 

“Ran the risk of undercutting her faith in her talent”

"I did the cowardly easiest laziest thing you could do with feelings like that, not dealing with them..and in not dealing with them I made everybody else deal with them. I made her deal with them. I was flirty, creepy, everything other than being overt enough to constitute betraying your live in girlfriend to whom you’re going home to every night."

He acknowledges, that he stopped short of doing anything obvious enough to constitute open betrayal and it was still a problem. And how everyone else, especially her…had to deal with that because he wouldn’t.

"….telling myself and anybody that threatened to confront me with it, that if you thought what I was doing was creepy or flirty or unprofessional, its because you were the sexist…”

Sounds familiar re: how the skeptosphere treats racism/sexism, It’s you who is the real sexist if you think women are victims. It’s you who is the real racist if you complain about racism. 

(Interestingly it’s also like the twisted logic you hear a lot ex hijabis mention, how they once justified the modesty garment to themselves; "Women who don't wear hijabs are slaves to society/the patriarchy, who mould themselves according to the will of men." "Hijabs are liberating, feminist…a means of freeing yourself from the male gaze, from scrutiny over appearance, etc, if you don't wear one you are actually the oppressed one"… but no one really buys that kind of thinking deep down inside.. do they?)

Back to Dan Harmon though, note the subtlety he captures here:

"Its not as if this person didn’t repeatedly communicate to me the idea that what I was doing was divesting her of a recourse to integrity.. I just didn’t hear it. It didn’t profit me to hear it."

Aziz Ansari could benefit from thinking along these lines. What he did may have been within the bounds of legality…but it was most certainly not ok. As someone who is a celebrity you’ve got to be aware of the sway you have over others. He must have sensed some of her signals of not being on board...I mean she literally said at one point, "I don't want to feel forced" but it didn’t benefit him to really pick up on them and adjust his behaviour accordingly. 

This line in particular struck me:

“I want it to sound relatively unremarkable to you because that’s the danger” - its really wonderful to hear someone acknowledge this...a man-person, even.  There are so many of these 'unremarkable' experiences happening in bedrooms, at workplaces that cross the lines...we need to start talking about those, and how we've normalized this kind of thing. 

"I wanted to teach her a lesson, if she didn’t like being liked in that way”

Good on him, for acknowledging he felt that way.

"I crushed on her and resented her for not reciprocating it, and the entire time I was the one writing her paycheques ….treated her cruelly. Things I would have never done if she was male."

"I lied to myself the entire time about it, I lost my job, I ruined my show and I damaged her internal compass…and I moved on."  [emphasis mine]

I imagine this is an effect Aziz might have had on Grace as well, and it would be good of him to acknowledge it in the storm that is being unleashed on her. Her internal compass must be all over the place right now... second guessing herself for creating this cyclone of hate.

Yes we know Aziz isn't a monstrous rapist, but still this account does not paint him in a good light. It would be incredible to hear something like Dan Harmon's apology coming from him...something heartfelt, with no excuses. Something that calls out the articles and people hating on her. But that's usually not how things are handled in these situations, so I won't hold my breath. Harmon said he went against legal advice to talk about this openly. 

Anyway, those are my meandering, rambly thoughts on the matter. Thanks for sticking around to read them. 

I hope that we can soon stop shaming Grace, and have more productive conversations around sexual misconduct that is 'not rape'. I hope we can hold people to a higher standard in the bedroom than just 'but it wasn't illegal'. I hope that the terrible op-eds saying spare Aziz from criticism because he is brown-skinned will stop. 

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