#Frowerssx writes

[frowerssx2]

Beyond the Boundaries~

Merry Christmas, Everybridie! This is the first time I have done a Secret Santa exchange! My recipient was @moonvarion. I hope you like this short fanfic I did for you ^_^

Summary: Hiyoko brings a Christmas present that allows Nageki to go beyond the boundaries of his prison which is the library. This Contains spoilers!

Word Count: 2,514

Like always, Nageki woke up in the same corner of the library without the knowledge of how long this "sleep" lasted. They were happening more often now, as they always do in winter. Apparently, ghosts need warmth to appear and having it in the Saint Pigeonation's library was an extremely rare thing. Anyway, at least there was a blanket for him to lie on now. It didn't offer him warmth or any sort of comfort physically. But, it did emotionally. It reminded him that he had good friends who truly cared about him and that was the best feeling in the world. However, it did also bring a strange sense of familiarity Nageki couldn't understand. With a sigh, Nageki stood up and shook both his feathers and wings to loosen them up. He then looked around, wondering what he should do today. After all, it was the Christmas holiday, wasn't it? Everybirdie will be at home celebrating with their families. That thought made Nageki wonder what his family was doing. Surely, he had one. Everybirdie has some sort of family, right? Maybe not made out of genetics, but made out of love and affection. 

"Love is not made by blood, it is made by caring for each other so much that you'd do anything, anything at all, for them"

Somebiridie once told Nageki that. Who was it? Why couldn't he remember them? All he knew about the mysterious bird was that he had a soft and caring voice. If Nageki had to compare it to anything then it would be a hug. Soft, warm, always welcoming, and loving. 

With another big sigh, Nageki walked to the window. Oh...It was snowing pretty badly too, if the forming ice on the glass was anything to go by. If any birdie living went out there they would no doubt freeze to death. Meanwhile, as a ghost, he wouldn't. Not like he wanted to go out there anyway. What would be the point? He wouldn't be able to feel the crackling snow underneath his feet, or the snowflakes that would fall gently and gracefully on his feathers. Suddenly, a flash of blue snapped Nageki out of his depressing thoughts. Was it lightening as well as snowing? Was that even possible? A second flash of blue a few seconds later made him realize that it wasn't happening outside, but inside.

Feeling both confused and curious, Nageki turned just to see beautiful snowflake Christmas decorations flashing above him in soft and calming tones of sunset orange. Nageki watched as the light nearest to him flashed then the one after it, then so on, causing him to feel tempted to follow it. But, could he? Was it safe? Curiosity killed the cat after all...

But, not a ghost…

Nothing in this world could kill a ghost. Well, not to his knowledge anyway. 

The lights flashed again, so beautifully that Nageki threw all caution out of the window and began to follow them. They had to lead somewhere and it was probably a little silly but Nageki hoped it would be somewhere different. Somewhere, he could escape his prison for a while. Somewhere that wouldn’t make him regret his decision to come back here instead of going onto the train with the King and the Migrant.  

He wasn't disappointed when he arrived at the end of the Christmas light trail. As there, stood proudly in the middle of the library was the most magnificent and beautiful Christmas tree he had ever seen. Soft glows of green, blue, red, and orange sparkled between the dark green branches of the Christmas tree. Each one, was as beautiful as the next, illuminating the dark library and the gold tinsel on the tree with the beautiful glow of a rainbow. That wasn't all though. There were stunning baubles shaped like Santa Claus, Christmas trees, candy canes, and round baubles that had faces of snowmen or were gold and red with glitter. But then, one decoration in particular captured his interest, so he slowly and gently reached his right wing to touch it. Now looking closely at it he realized that it was shaped like a N with what looked like shelves with books inside. Immediately, he smiled, his beak opening up to curve at the end. This was obviously a present for him and there was only one friend who knew him this well and cared for him this much and knowing Hiyoko, she wouldn’t do anything like this without leaving some way of communication. With that in mind, Nageki flipped his present over and read the engraving he found there: “Look under the tree, love Hiyoko”

At that moment, Nageki felt his heart flutter like his wings would if he took flight because this could only mean that there could be another present for him, right? That thought made his heart flutter again, this time it wasn’t just because of affection but also because of excitement. He slowly lowered himself down to look underneath the tree to find a literal winter wonderland with figures of snowmen, polar bears, reindeer, Iglu’s, and snow hills and balls. The sight of it made Nageki wish that there was some magical way he could live in this little snow village but, there was a large rectangular-shaped present waiting for him so he was going to pull it out and hold it in his wings.

“I hope you like it, Nageki”

For a second, Nageki thought that Hiyoko’s voice was inside his head because he was reading the card on the present but then he quickly realized there wasn’t one.

But that could only mean…No way…Surely, she wouldn’t…

A turn of the head told Nageki that yes, she totally did. However, he was shocked and rather relieved to see that his human friend wasn’t frozen like an icicle.

“How did you?” Nageki stuttered out wondering if that question would have an answer that would be logical. “That’s not important”

No, of course, it wouldn’t, that would be expecting too much…

“Open your present, I hope you like it” Hiyoko excitedly said, her amber eyes flicking down to the present in Nageki’s wings, shifting closer to him on her knees.

“Go on” she said moving to knock him with her shoulder playfully just to end up falling shoulder first onto the floor which had the Mourning Dove snorting in amusement. How on earth could she possibly forget that he isn’t solid? The embarrassment on Hiyoko’s made it painfully obvious that she was wondering the same thing. But then, that famous smile of hers went on her face as her beautiful eyes flicked to Nageki’s present yet again.

Feeling another flutter within his heart, Nageki slowly opened his present with his wings. Feeling thankful that Christmas wrapping paper was so delicate that even a ghost could get into it without much effort. Plus, the fact that Hiyoko didn't go overboard with the Sellotape did help matters a lot. Underneath the dark green paper that was littered with red and white candy canes and ginger beard men was a large book named:

[The Christmas Village within the mountains]

The picture on the cover was of a beautiful wooden cottage covered in a small amount of snow and an unbelievable amount of Christmas decorations. 

Wanting to see what else this book had to offer Nageki slowly opened it to the first page, Hiyoko shifting closer to him as he did so. Together they looked down at the picture of the welcoming sign of the village. It was truly beautiful. Faux Holly vines were wrapped around the poles and travelled across the top of the sign where artificial mistletoe and red and white flowers. On the next page was a footpath covered by thick snow and surrounded by pine trees which also was covered in snow but also gold and red tinsel and baubles. Not only that, but between the trees were hanging snowflakes, stars, and flags. The footpath itself was surprisingly decorated too. It wasn't much. Just a trail of gold, green and red strings travelling upwards beside large deep footprints that were obviously made by heavy snow boots. All of this together made Nageki wonder what was at the end of this winter Christmas trail. Luckily, the answer was on the next page. 

So, he turned it...

Waiting for him were pictures of a wonderful village square that had rows and rows of market stalls. Above them were rows of orange circular lights, all of which were like fireflies in the night sky. Then on the next page were close-ups of the stalls, showing off what each one sold. There was one stall selling the most delicious-looking shortbread, cookies, bread, and gingerbread in all sorts of shapes and sizes. Another one sold stunning handmade Christmas decorations and stockings. Another sold toys and teddies. Then there was one that sold clothes. Another that sold traditional Christmas foods from all over the world. Just when Nageki thought that this page couldn’t get any better, he discovered that there was a little round sticker in the corner of each picture.

“What is this for?” He asked Hiyoko in confusion, wondering what on earth would happen if he rubbed at the sticker like it told him to. “Oh! This is really cool!” Hiyoko answered excitedly, rubbing the sticker so quickly and with so much strength that Nageki worried she would somehow find a way to find a fire. Thankfully, she didn’t. However, she still did something strange which was to sniff her arm with a hungry groan.

Okay…That was…Odd…

“You smell, Nageki!” Hiyoko then said to him holding her battered arm in front of him, her quick movement causing him to flinch backwards. But now, he was just staring at her arm in absolute confusion. That certainly wasn’t a normal request. Yet again, when did Hiyoko and a normal conversation go hand in hand? Almost everything the human did was bizarre, impossible, confusing, or somehow all three.

“Go on, it smells delicious!” Her arm smelt delicious? How did that even make any sense? This was definitely a conversation that was all those three things. “Hurry before it goes!”

Wanting this conversation to make some sense, Nageki slowly smelt Hiyoko’s arm. It was the strangest thing he has ever done but it was almost the greatest. He smelt her arm again and hummed. The smell of sugar-covered shortbread filled his nostrils, the smell was so alluring, and intoxicating that it made his stomach rubble which should have been impossible because of the whole ghost thing. It also made him wish that he could stick out his tongue and taste the incredible food. Not on Hiyoko’s arm of course, because that would be totally weird. But on the page…That thought made him look down at the other pictures and see what their circles contained. The clothing stall had a small circle made out of the softest material Nageki had ever felt. The toy stall circle had a small bird paper toy that flapped its wings if you pulled the paper lever.

Then came the next page, on it was a game where you had to decorate the picture of the Christmas tree that was sat in the middle of the market square stalls. Nageki couldn’t remember the last time he decorated a tree but somehow, he could remember that he always did it with somebiridie else. Somebiridie who he cared for and so, he shifted closer to Hiyoko so they could do it together. When the tree was decorated it wasn’t as dramatic or exquisite as the one in the library, but it was theirs and that is what made it special and perfect. Nageki wasn’t surprised at all, he and Hiyoko has always made a great team. This was proven yet again when they turned to the next page as it ended up being four different Find the Hidden Objects game that were in different locations in the village as they ended up finding all of them easily.

Then came a normal photo album of the rest of the village showcasing the school, hospital, church, shops, huts, shacks, and houses. All of them as beautiful as the next. All of them going overboard with Christmas decorations. Then came the famous mountain of the village, the photos taking you up the trail mile by mile until finally, the photographer reached the top. The view was astonishing. There was nothing but cloud after cloud, the lights of the village below reflecting through them so wonderfully.

“I wish that I was there” Hiyoko said to him, stretching out her arms as she did so “I want to feel the cold wind underneath my arms” “I do too” “So, let’s do it!”

Before he could even figure out a reply to that Hiyoko was gone, returning seconds later with a large desk fan, she turned it on to the highest speed which caused the branches of the large Christmas tree in front of them to rustle angrily. But, it was perfect. Nageki stood up, closed his eyes, stretched out his wings, and leaned forward a little. Like this, he could pretend he was above that mountain and embracing the powerful winds. Winds that made him feel so free. He just wanted to flap his wings and fly above those clouds in the picture. But, no matter how powerful his imagination was, Nageki already knew he couldn’t. That didn’t mean he couldn’t just enjoy the feel though. Flying for birds was a natural thing that they all took for granted, none of them embracing how much fun it could be.

After what seemed like an eternity, Nageki folded his light brown wings back into his side, in response to the rustling sound they made Hiyoko turned off the fan.

“Thanks, Hiyoko, that was amazing…This book is amazing” “It doesn’t stop there!” Hiyoko smiled brilliantly, moving to get the backpack that has apparently been sitting beside her all this time to pull out a large plastic food container.

“I asked Mr Nanaki to make us the food in this book. It took four months, three house fires, and one food-tasting trail with Miru and Kaku for him to get it right”

“Hiyoko…That is very thoughtful but I’m a ghost, I can’t eat”

“Yeah but you can smell, and if you understand a smell well enough then you can taste it” she replied and even though Nageki didn’t know how he felt about that logic, he didn’t have the heart to argue or question it.

“Alright, I will try…What else do you have?” “I’m glad you asked! I’ve got two travel books in my backpack and I thought we’d travel through the world together underneath this tree while we or rather I eat” “Let the adventure begin” Nageki smiled wishing for the first time that night that he was indeed solid because right now, he’d give anything to snuggle beside Hiyoko while she showed him the world beyond the library.

For now, though, he’ll just enjoy this new adventure beyond his boundaries with her…

….Fin….   

[frowerssx2]

I feel you, people seem not to care for fan fics as much as they do fan art. It's like if they don't understand that written work takes as much work and effort as drawing does. They don't understand how upsetting, it is to see the work you've work on for hours gets no attention. It can actually be very depressing to see no notes, no comments on the work I've written. I love ot write but sometimes I just wonder what the point is because no matter what I do it won't get attention and no one will care.

This is actually the first time I've spoken about how depressing I find the reaction or lack there of, to my writing. I don't do posts like this because I don't want to sound like I'm complaining or anything but to see an author who I sometimes take inspiration from have the same problem as me. Well, it kinda needs addressing.

Written works deserve love and attention to, writes need all those nice comments a d tags artists do. It inspires us. It makes all the effort we put into our work with it.

I'm going to leave this by saying that the lack of likes, reblogs and comments or any interaction at all on the posts I create for the fandom I love, is emotionally draining and exhausting and as I said, depressing. Which is why I've decided to not post any of my written works anymore and just write for me...It'll be so sad if more writers do this

3 hours...2 likes...0 reblogs

when will I freaking learn?

[frowerssx2]

Cracks of anxiety-A Hatoful Boyfriend fic (new):

My side of the Hatoful Boyfriend art trade with the lovely @donuts4evry1. I truly hope you like the updated version of the story.

(Please note that this has only been checked by me (who has dyslexia) and Grammarly, so please let me know if there are any grammar or punctuation mistakes)

Everybirdie will be in their human forms.

………………….

Tonight was the launch of the second Le Bel Christmas party. After the first was literally blown up by the Christmas obsessed hybrid children Miru and Kaku, Sakuya had a lot to prove.

Everything must go as planned tonight.

Everything must be perfect and so, Sakuya had it all planned from the very last detail and second. First, he must stand in front of his luxurious golden mirror within his bedroom, and let the tailors expertly fit him in a figure-hugging dark blue tuxedo with golden flower stitches. He must stand here like a scarecrow so he could be transformed into the image of wealth and perfection. 

“Is the outfit to your pleasing Master Sakuya?” asked one of the tailors. In reaction, Sakuya shifted this way and that, his sky blue eyes looking for any imperfections. Nothing must be out of place. Everybirdie attending knows who he is and what title he carries. 

He cannot allow any of them to judge him harshly. 

“That it is” Sakuya simply said with a tone as flat and empty as a piece of paper, stepping off the little fabric stool with the elegance of a Swan. He then looked towards the two tailors and for a brief moment, he wondered if he should thank them for their service.

But what was the point? 

Wasn't it their job him in the clothes they created? 

If anything, THEY shouldn't be thanking him. After all, he was the heir of the Le Bel family, a noble of great privilege, wealth, and responsibilities, plus like his father always said:

"It was not the bulb of a light you admired, but the shade and pole that holds it together"

And so, Sakuya blanked the two tailors just like he was taught and silently put on his black gloves before leaving the room, ignoring the angry glares the two commoners gave him...

He was above them both; he should not need to thank them for their paid services. That was not the noble way, that is not what he was taught. But yet, as left the room, Sakuya felt a heaviness in his heart that threatened to overwhelm him. Politeness and respect is the most important thing within the noble and high-class community but yet, it is never given to those of lower birth, even though they too, worked for their worth and wealth...

Suddenly, small black cracks ran up the marble walls surrounding him. 

Sakuya easily recognized them. How could he not when he has seen them his entire life? As these cracks were created by his own imagination and always formed whenever he dared to doubt his rightful place within the world. 

How he hated them.

He hated how these cracks made him feel worthless while they threatened shatter everything he has ever known. With an experienced ease, Sakuya forced himself to bury the thoughts of the lower class and how they are treated. After all, it was not his responsibility to question it or care.

"Do not waste energy on worrying for those who do not hold a pure bloodline"

Remembering that sentence from his father, Sakuya took a deep breath and stood in front of the grand doors that lead to the grand ballroom of the mansion.  

“Ladies and gentlebirds, it is with great honour that I present to you: Sakuya Le Bel Shirogane, the heir and the sixth generation of the Le Bel family” the announcer called out, and with that, the doors opened and Sakuya stepped forward as polite claps echoed throughout the large room. Moving slowly, never allowing his eyes to wander downwards, Sakuya walked down the stairs, the tail of his tuxedo following gracefully behind him. His footsteps were soft and proud as everybirdie within the room watched him with burning and judgemental eyes, all of them looking for any imperfections and daring him to make a fool of himself.

However, he would not give them the satisfaction. 

He shall not break nor allow himself to look like a fool.

He shall walk down the stairs and ignore the imaginary cracks that were forming underneath his feet due to his anxiety.

He was a Le Bel, he did not feel just ridiculous emotions.

He knew how to behave perfectly, shoulders back, back straight, walk with nothing but pride and elegance.

His thoughts were not important:

He will not let the whispers of his thoughts overwhelm him no matter how loud they were speaking, because he did not hear them:

“Why must they all be so eager to see my failure? What pleasure would it possibly cause them?”

“Why is it so important that I please these strangers?”

He did not question anything:

Why were his thoughts no longer whispering?

“Why must they judge me so? How can they possibly look upon me as if they know me while they do not?”

So why was he?

 *Crack*

 He must empty his mind of these ridiculous thoughts:

“But are they truly ridiculous?”

*Crack!*

In response of hearing those whispers full of disgust: Sakuya pushed himself off the banister, straightened his posture once more and continued his journey down the stairs. Easily ignoring how his breathing had suddenly got quicker as the eyes on him began to feel hotter and hotter. The pressure of it all caused the cracks from before to run up the stairs like if he was suddenly trying to walk on delicate glass.

Like to punish him for daring to think that, Sakuya’s foot suddenly slipped on a step edge and he went flying into the stair banister. Winded, Sakuya watched as the black cracks covered the banisters surface, each of them shining brilliantly to mock him.

“How dreadful”

“The stupid boy can’t even walk down stairs without failure”

“He cannot possibly hope to continue the great legacy of his father”

But he would not give in to it.

He still held his pride and grace, a simple slip has not suddenly removed that.

“Welcome everybirdie, to the traditional Le Bel Christmas Party. Please, make your way to the dining hall” Sakuya politely said once the climb down the stairs was finally over. Remembering not to raise his voice so it would become an unflattering shout. After all, somebirdie as important as him should not need to shout to be heard. Taking a breath to calm himself, Sakuya moved to lead his guests to the room he gestured to so he could politely show them all to their seats like a good host should, remembering to leave the seat at the head of the table for himself.

Where he could sit and finally breathe...

Sat here at a table brought no pressure. Nobirdie expected anything from him here; they were all too interested in their own conversations to care about him. That was until the food came and suddenly, the oldest and richest of the birds, took the time to repeatedly glance towards him.

Unlike commoner's meals, the noble community had a certain way to eat. One must not spill, one must not slurp or burp, one could not speak when their mouth is full of food, there were no elbows on the table, there was no acknowledging the waiters, not even when one of them was Ryouta Kawara. Sakuya hired him after the other boy explained that he was struggling to find work. But now, Sakuya was struggling with the pressure of pretending that he did not exist. That Ryouta, his friend, and a hard working young man who did everything in his power to look after his ill mother, did not deserve his acknowledgment.

Sakuya was under watchful eyes after all,

Eyes that were pathetic enough to care how he ate, how he sat in his chair, and who he talked to.

Eyes that would judge and radical him if he did the slightest of things wrong.

Deep down Sakuya simply couldn’t understand why they were like this.

Why was his method of eating and being sat at a table so important?

Surely that wasn’t his role as a Le Bel. Surely they should care more about the deeds and achievements he has done instead!

Why must they judge the little things that did not matter?

Why must it be responsibility to outshine them all in everything included eating?!

Sakuya continued to eat his foods in tiny amounts so he didn’t have to open his mouth wide like some disgusting frog, even while the cracks of his anxiety covered the table, even while his breathing could no longer hide the fact he was feeling just an emotion.

But he will not break,

This is where he belonged, this is who he was meant to be! If he let the pressure consume him then he would become an embarrassment and a disgraced son. Keeping his cool, Sakuya ate his meals, forcing himself to leave the correct size of the delicious food so the noble and respected birds would not think him greedy or fat. He then lead everybirdie to the main ballroom where they entered the truly incredible Christmas wonderland Miru and Kaku created that successfully impressed them all. But yet, Sakuya could not speak of the truth. He couldn’t tell the adults who he was going to be working within two years that he sort help from two children. That would only make them all speak to him like if he was a child himself, that he was not worthy of his title. After all, as a Le Bel he had to hire the most skilled and most expensive services Japan offered.

Anything else would be a disgrace and a disappointment.

That knowledge did not make lying any easier though, as the frustration of remembering to speak of the same lies over and over again, caused him to question why he needed them in the first place.

Miru and Kaku were very talented and skilled children capable of creative brilliance. Why couldn’t he praise them?

But, like always, Sakuya’s thoughts and opinions did not matter and so, he buried them all so he could go around the ballroom to greet and talk to his guest. The action soon becoming the worst thing he could have done as he had to remember everybirdies names, jobs, and responsibilities. He even had to remember not to let his anger at their forgetting details about him tempt him into an angry rant. This ballroom was not the council room in the school and these birds were not his underlings. He could not yell or lecture them.

No matter how he believed they were being hypocrites.

No matter if they were only interested in what he is and not who he is.

After two hours of hiding his expressions and being nothing but polite and slightly amused. Sakuya wanted to distress. At first, his eyes naturally wandered over to the forgotten piano in the corner of the room, however he was quick to fix it as he looked over to the dance floor.

A waltz will no doubt calm his nerves and so, he remembered to choose a girl who fitted the idea of the perfect woman a noble like himself, should desire...

A girl of a slim waist, small breasts, blonde hair, and blue eyes.

Never a man...

As a noble Sakuya could not let foolish desires like that destroy his bloodline or tarnish his family name.  

That is what his father told him...

So, Sakuya danced with the gorgeous female, ignoring how a pair of brilliant red eyes watched him but while he successfully did that, he could not do the same for the rest of the eyes.

He was surrounded by them, it was like if he was in an ocean that had the colour of a rainbow, each time he came up for air, the sea pulled him down and overwhelmed him. Forcing him to doubt and question every movement he did.  

Making him fear that he was moving in a way that either made him look like an unbalanced and confused flamingo, or too feminine.

Within seconds, the floor was littered with the cracks of his anxiety:

*Crack* *Crack* *Crack* *Crack*

Each step Sakuya took felt like he was stepping on delicate ice cracks

*Crack!*

A new crack breaking each second he danced, the feel of the girl in his arms feeling so wrong, the pressure of the eyes watching him too much to bare...

When suddenly, the cracks grew in size and strength and he couldn’t breathe.

It was all too much but he couldn’t allow himself to have a panic attack! He simply couldn’t! He should be able to handle this pressure! But, if he did not take a moment to collect himself and allowed himself to breathe then he shall collapse due to stress.

That type of embarrassment was not an option.

 With that in mind, Sakuya gracefully ended the dance with the unknown girl so he could go to a secluded corner. There he could tap his fingers against his hip with closed eyes. Like this, he could pretend that he was alone in the school's music room and playing the piano. It only took him a few seconds to become fully relaxed and capable of a normal breathing pattern once more. When he opened his eyes he looked towards the empty piano in the corner...

 ........

.....

...

.

 The piano was no longer alone as Sakuya stood beside it, his brilliant shy blue eyes looking upon its beauty with a gentle and soft smile. He could already hear its beautiful song. He could already imagine how his fingers would caress the soft keys of the piano that would make it sing oh, so beautifully...

Sakuya’s eyes widened when he realized the song that he heard was not in his imagination but reality. As his hands just moved on their own accord.

Immediately, Sakuya stumbled backwards as if burnt, the cracks of his anxiety now suddenly surrounding him like a powerful and unforgiving shadow, only leaving a path to the piano. To the only source of comfort within this room.

Why?

Why did he automatically come here?

Why must his instincts mock him so?

The fight to be perfect,

Sakuya took another step back, watching the imaginary cracks darken to pitch black. The sight of it making it rather difficult for him to breathe and stand as he was now suddenly overwhelmed with the pressure of everything:

The fight between responsibility and joy,

The temptation to break the rudeness and disrespect the high society forced upon him,

The fight between being himself or the son who caused pride and glory to his family's name...

Sakuya could no longer carry the crushing weight of the pressure or the expectations...He couldn’t press on when his anxiety and stress were threatening to make him crack.

He needed to escape it all...

He needed to breathe...

And so, he quickly left the ballroom to go to an empty balcony.

There, he was free to pace while feeling useless as the cracks grew and grew, his chest hurting because of his heavy and fast breathing. Everything was falling apart and he didn’t know what to do. He has never felt so much stress or pressure before.

Why weren’t the cracks leaving him alone?! Why were they worsening?!

His place was within the middle of the ballroom entertaining guests and not in the corner playing a piano like some commoner!

“Why are you denying everything your heart is obviously calling out for?”

It was not the question that made Sakuya freeze like a stone stature but rther the voice that held a familiar French accent that asked it. Within seconds, Sakuya turned to look at his half-brother of low-born blood, Yuuya Sakazaki, standing in front of the closed doors of the balcony, dressed in his own black tuxedo.

 “What are you doing here?” Sakuya asked in a low and dangerous voice, twisting his expression into an angry if not murderous frown.

How dare he be here! He wasn’t invited!

“I couldn’t help but notice that you were on the very edge of having a panic attack...Sakuya, isn’t it obvious that your anxiety is caused by your desire t-” “-Don’t start speaking just foolish notions! I order you to leave! This is no place for mongrels of low birth like you! I shall give you five seconds to leave before I call Albert and get him to drag you out and throw you in the Koi pond!” Sakuya screamed, his imagery cracks of anxiety now on the very edge of swallowing him whole.

“Allow me a few words before you force me to become an unwelcomed visitor to the Koi”

 *CRACK!!*

“How dare you demand that request while trespassing! Albert!”

“Sakuya, please! You’re drowning!”

“I am doing nothing of the sort!” Sakuya screamed in anger but then:

 Sakuya’s eyes widened as he watched cracks appeared underneath his and Sakazaki’s feet, all of them tearing in two like ugly strands of thin string:

Sakazaki had to go; he was making the damn cracks worst...

“Sakuya, deep inside you know that this is not the place for you-” “-how dare you!-” “-You know that you should be on a stage, playing piano and losing yourself in the world of music while others look at you in awe and not in judgment”

Sakuya couldn’t say anything to that as he wondered why Yuuya words were so similar to the hush whispers of the thoughts that have been haunting him all night

But he couldn’t listen:

“It is time to ask yourself one simple question Sakuya: do you want to live your life to be an identical copy of your father and surpass him in every way or do you want to live your life for yourself?”

Even if it was impossible not too...

“-Of denying yourself of what you truly desire? And for what? To be respected by others who will forget your name and face by tomorrow? To follow your father’s footsteps when it shall only lead to your unhappiness?-”

“Aren’t you tired of all of this? Of all the unneeded and pointless pressure? Of strangers judging your every move-”

Sakazaki, needed to shut up...His spoken words were now too close to the thoughts Sakuya must not listen too...

As Sakazaki spoke, Sakuya legs began to wobble as the only thing he could focus on was his voice and the fact that the cracks that surrounding him were now pooling across the floor like spilt water, leaving no see able surface but their darkness.

“Why carry your father’s legacy instead of building your own?”

“-Haven’t you once asked yourself if there is another road you can follow?”

Of course he has...

Because that is what Sakuya’s father told him to do...

That is what he was born to do...

If he wasn’t everything his father wanted him to be, then what could Sakuya possibly be?

He had no other road to follow, no other direction but the one that was created for him.

Sakazaki words and his own desires were filled with nothing but idiotic and pointless dreams.

“You have the choice to make the world know your story and cheer your amazing talent and obvious love for music. You can leave this place, you can start your own story and achieve everything you want”

 Sakuya could no longer handle it and the cracks of his anxiety pooled over the entirety of his surroundings until he could see nothing but darkness.

His legs buckled, his body following suit as his world spun but, before he could hit the floor in an unflattering manner, arms wrapped underneath his arms, held him up and dragged him onto the bench on the balcony. The next thing Sakuya knew, he was looking into eyes that were awfully familiar to his own.

“Breathe...Please” Sakazaki pleaded in a low whisper that sounded awfully guilty, but he had every right to be.

This was entirely his fault after all...

“I didn’t mean to land all of you like that but you know what I said is true. Your future is a road only you can create”

“But...But if I leave all this behind then...Who would I be?”

“You” Sakazaki answered slipping a leaflet into Sakuya’s hand with a soft smile

“But allow me to give you a little push in the direction you are too frightened to take”

If he did then he would have to leave everything he has ever known behind.

With shaking breath, Sakuya slowly lifted up the leaflet to read it:

[There shall be a schools talent show on 6th of March, anybirdie who thinks they have a talent please sign up! Any talent that does not cause any physical harm shall be allowed. To sign up go to the staff lounge and speak to Professor Nanaki]

“Stop hiding within your fathers shadow Sakuya and finally make things about you, about what you want, and show the world what is truly wonderful about you” Sakazaki spoke while Sakuya sat there in silence wondering if he should take this leap or not.

Was he ready for just a big step?

What if something went wrong?

“A wolf can hide within a herd of sheep by hiding within their white wool coat without their pack knowing, little brother”

 Not knowing what that sentence could possibly mean, Sakuya looked up to ask but the words got stuck in his throat when he saw that Albert was dragging Sakazaki away. He decided to let Albert do his job and lead Yuuya out of the mansion, if he didn’t then he would have to explain why and that would only cause him to collapse due to stress again. After a few calming breathes, Sakuya slowly stood up and walked to the balcony’s railing, by now, Sakazaki had already been thrown in the Koi pond and was currently shaking the large fish off his fingers.

The sight of it made Sakuya laugh for the first time that night and it...

It felt wonderful,

It felt like him...

In that moment, the imaginary black cracks caused by Sakuya’s anxiety slowly melted into manageable thin cracks as that emotion was slowly replaced by hope.

A hope that somewhere deep within him, Sakuya had the courage to walk down his own road....

 Later that night, Sakuya was laid in his queen sized bed underneath his silk blankets and on top of his mattress that was as soft as a cloud staring at his beautifully designed ceiling.

He couldn’t sleep as Yuuya’s sentence kept repeating in the young nobles mind:

“A wolf can hide within a herd of sheep by hiding within their white wool coat without their pack knowing, little brother”

He just couldn’t figure it out.

What did his half brother mean by that?

Sakuya knew it was some type of hint. Something that would help him decide if he truly wanted to go down his own road or not but...

“A wolf can hide within a herd of sheep by hiding within their white wool coat without their pack knowing little brother”

What was Sakuya missing?

He had to ask somebirdie who he trusted, somebirdie who wouldn’t judge him for his lack of knowledge...

“Huh, well that’s a terrible metaphor” Ryouta Kawara said to Sakuya the next day as they walked to school together like they always did after Professor Nanaki asked Ryouta to walk him to school after that one time he got lost in the snow and almost froze to death.

“It’s a metaphor?”

“Yeah, um, how do I explain this? Um...” Ryouta paused there to pull his thinking expression that has always been sort of cute “Okay, so, say you’re the wolf”

“Okay?”

“And me, Hiyoko and Oko are your pack because we know you and are your friends”

“Okay?”

“The metaphor is saying that you can do something without us knowing by hiding within a crowd, hence the herd of sheep and hiding in their coat thing. Or basically, you can do something without the people who know you, knowing by hiding in plain sight by the means of a small disguise” Ryouta explained

 But now, what Sakazaki said and did now made total sense. He gave Sakuya that leaflet about the schools talent show so Sakuya could compete in disguise and see if playing the piano in front of an audience was truly the life he wanted without anyone knowing!

“Truly?”

“Yeah, though like I said, the metaphor isn’t the best at explaining that. Who said it to you?”

“Oh, Anghel was babbling his usual nonsense to me and that metaphor was the only thing that sounded like ordinary Japanese” Sakuya easily lied.

“Thank you...Yuuya”

Word Count: 4,118

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This Fanfiction is also on:

Archive of our own: https://archiveofourown.org/works/36159193

Fanfiction: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14016100/1/Cracks-of-anxiety-A-short-Hatoful-Boyfriend-fic

Deviantart: https://www.deviantart.com/frowerssx/art/Cracks-of-anxiety-902606689?ga_submit_new=10%3A1644706691&ga_type=edit&ga_changes=1

[frowerssx2]

Thank you so much for this lovely offer @the-pigeolympics but I thought I'd bless this fandom with my terrible art just this once and quickly draw an annoyed Ryouta in my everyday comfort clothes (which is a cream jumper and a pair of green leggings. Plus grey shoes):

frowerssx2

I wish I could draw so I can take part but the only thing I’d be capable of is drawing a stick man wearing terribly drawn clothes

@frowerssx2

if you wanna send me a description / picture of the outfit then ill draw it!!! i love drawing clothes haha i usually do clothing studies if im not drawing hbf