#Francis Pip Pumphandle

[thatonesupercooltoony]

okay so theres this weird thing i do sometimes like. unwillingly where i just like-

Pleased to meet you, tumblr. Name's Francis Pumphandle, but everyone calls me "Pip". Cheese balls are one of my all-time favorite foods. I always seem to meet the most interesting people when I'm around them, too. In fact, cheese balls bring to mind the time I met Bob Barker, star of the most popular morning game show. He's an emcee, a host, and a celebrity all rolled into one. Anyway, eight months ago -- it was Tuesday the 17th, I believe -- or it might have been the 18th ... no, no, it was definitely the 17th, because it was precisely one week after my aunt Lucretia's birthday, which is the 10th. Aunt Lucretia's quite a woman. Loves to cook. She prepares a fabulous war shu a. That's a Chinese duck dish. I love Chinese food. I once went to a party where they served Chinese food and cheese balls. Now that was a Catch-22 situation. Catch-22 was a movie, you know. It was long, very long. They say the book was better, but it was a novel and I never finish reading those things. Of course, a lot of people don't read much nowadays. They watch television. I caught a program on PBS last night. A very good show on chimpanzees in the media. They had a clip of J. Fred Muggs, the chimp from the TODAY show. But it was Fred's chimpanzee girlfriend that had me stumped. I couldn't remember her name, so I looked it up. Her name was Phoebe B. Beebe.

Anyway, as I was saying, eight months ago, Tuesday the 17th, I went downtown on a nice, relaxing stroll. I love to relax. In fact, relaxing is a pastime of mine. Some people play golf. Others like tennis, horseshoes, bridge, canasta, and other such fancy hobbies. Now, another hobby enjoyed by many is knitting. My grandmother was a great knitter. Knitted this sweater I'm wearing. It's red, which is not my favorite color. I prefer mauve or mustard yellow. Now, don't get me wrong: red is okay for ties and suspenders, but with sweaters I prefer more neutral colors. But when I'm relaxing, I don't care what I wear: long pants, Bermuda shorts, T-shirts, or formal attire. You name it, anything goes. Now, on the 17th, during my relaxing stroll, I recall wearing my herringbone jacket, my Laughlin, Nevada, souvenir tie, and my charcoal gray slacks. Or was it the navy slacks? Oh, I suppose it doesn't really matter. What matters is comfort. You know, I love comfort. It goes along with that pastime of mine, relaxing.

Now, for me, there is nothing more relaxing than a nice leisurely stroll, like the one I took eight months ago on the 17th. It was a bright, sunny day, which of course is the optimum condition for relaxed strolling. And as I walked along, I found myself humming a haunting melody. I kept humming and humming and humming and humming. I couldn't get the tune out of my head. I racked my brains to come up with the title, but to no avail. You see, I'm not terribly musical. And yet, I'd always wanted to play an instrument and be like my musical hero, Leo Sayer. But who can compete with Leo? I think I was just scared that I'd fail. Well, I decided right then and there to go buy a musical instrument. So on the particular Tuesday the 17th to which I was referring, I went down to the Sixth Street Music Emporium to buy a new tambourine, a terribly soothing instrument, contrary to popular opinion. And as I was strolling along, I detected a wonderful scent in the morning air. "What could it be?" I asked myself. So I went toward that marvelous scent, distracted by its aroma from my musical mission. The odor was a mix of orchid flowers and bologna, which of course is one of the world's most under-appreciated luncheon meats. That and pimento loaf. I love a good pimento loaf and mayo sandwich -- the more pimentos, the better. Why, just the mention of pimentos makes my taste buds stand up and say, "Howdy." Now there's an interesting word: "Howdy." Is it from "How are you" or maybe "How you doing"? "Howdy"'s one of those strange words that really has no origin. I like saying "How do" more than "Howdy" -- more formal, I think. Not too flowery. But the flowery aroma of that particular morning carried me on my fragrant quest.

Now, the smell was actually less bologna and more orchid -- the beautiful flower found on the island state of Hawaii. Of course, I wasn't in Hawaii, so I needed to search out the location of the nearest orchid. So, I visited every florist shop in town. Well, to make a long story short, not a single flower shop in town had any orchids in stock, which seemed mighty curious to me. Now, as we all know, curiosity killed the cat, but since I'm not a feline, I wasn't too worried. Felines are funny creatures, don't you think? I had a cat once. It used its claws to tear my living room couch to shreds. It was a comfy couch, too. Had a sleep-away bed in it with a foam rubber mattress. Now, I bought the couch and the mattress at Levine's Department Store on Third Avenue, the very same afternoon of that relaxing stroll aforementioned. I also bought myself a lovely tambourine on that same shopping expedition. Anyway, I didn't want to pay extra for the delivery of the couch, so I decided to carry the couch home myself. It was quite cumbersome. And getting it through the store's revolving doors was a bit of a challenge. And just as I emerged onto the street, by accident I bumped into a well-dressed man with an orchid in his lapel. It was Bob Barker, and he was eating a bologna and cheese balls sandwich. Well, it's been nice chatting with you.

DEAR GOD HELP ME

[animany-totally-insaney-blog]

Part 2 of a gif set of Wakko running for the star and making his wish.

[sokkas-first-fangirl]

*

There was a sudden bright flash, as bright as starlight, and the Warners screamed. Yakko immediately pushed his siblings behind him and they clung to his arms. His medallion turned hot against his chest, shimmering.

The light receded and…

“PIP!?”

Pip smacked his lips, blinking at them sleepily. “Oh, hello, Warners.”

*

The Warner siblings reach Pip's fortress in the mountains. It's not the warmest of reunions.

[galactic-glamour-girl-posts]

Gotta hand it to them, that's pretty clever

[nastya-sokolova-2002]

[Pip walks up to order]



Cora: Let me guess, tiny, a small salad?

Pip: I'll take a Double Triple Bossy Deluxe on a raft, four by four, animal-style, extra shingles with a shimmy and a squeeze, light axle grease, make it cry, burn it, and let it swim.  [Cora gives up writing all of that down]



Cora: We serve food here, sir.

173: I got it already, Cora. *gasp* Francis 'Pip' Pumphandle.

[musemelodies]

Oh hello. Name's Francis Pumphandle but everyone calls me Pip. [Walter]

Nope. Nuh-uh. He was not gonna subject himself to this.

He could put up with a lot of shtick, namely getting blown up by a certain squirrel day after day, but this…this was too much, even for him…

“Suuure, real ‘nice’ to meet ya, Pip! Aw, would ya look at the time? I’m late for my appointment with the doc! BYE!” 

[sokkas-first-fangirl]

So if I ever get around to writing a Sonic Underground AU, I’d have Pip visit all three Warners to reveal they’re royalty, not just Yakko.

With that in mind, here’s Dot’s visit with him

*

Dot felt like her brain was melting from her ears, though a quick glance in the mirror told her that wasn’t the case. This guy wouldn’t shut up!

She’d admit she had a temper, but this guy (Pip? Hadn’t he called himself Pip? It felt like hours ago now) made her blood boil like no one else ever had. She was seconds away from bashing him with her mallet, or running from the room; maybe tossing him out the window. The idea made her smile despite her mounting anger.

“And so I gave your mother and father a prophesy; as I recall it was a dark and stormy night, unseasonable weather really, but quite symbolic and appropriate I suppose...” he continued to drawl.

Dot banged her head on the table. Clearly, Pip had the wrong girl. Her adoptive mother’s husband had died long before she ever took Dot in. She’d never had a father-figure.

“You will form the Council of Five and defeat King Salazar. It is your destiny, Princess Angelina, to find your brothers and-”

Hold up. Pause. Record scratch.

What?

Dot raised her head, gaping at Pip. If he noticed her stunned gaze, he gave no indication: he just kept talking on and on in that dull monotone. He looked vaguely sleepy. His expression hadn’t changed once, not even when Dot had thrown a plate at him, startled by his sudden appearance.

“What- what did you call me!?” Dot stood, heart pounding. Angelina. No one ever called her that. Most people didn’t even know that was her full name.

Pip blinked at her, not at all deterred by the interruption.

“Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banna Fanna Bo Besca Warner The Third,” he said. “The youngest child and only daughter of Queen Angelina The Wise and King William The Good. Little sister to Crown Prince Yakkory and Prince Wakkorotti, otherwise known as Yakko and Wakko.” For the first time, there was something like emotion in Pip’s voice; he sounded ever-so-vaguely fond.

Yakko. Wakko. Those names tugged on her heart strings, though she couldn’t say why.

She clutched her pendant, her head spinning. 

“You’re serious,” Dot said blankly.

“Of course,” Pip said. “This is no laughing matter, Princess. The fate of Warnerstock is at stake. We have lived under the tyranny of King Salazar for too long. Your parents have waited too long. It is time to begin at last, as fate foretold. As I said, it was a dark and stormy night, rather unseasonable weather, but...”

Dot stopped listening.

Their country hadn’t been called Warnerstock in ten years. Ever since she was a baby, it had been known as Ticktockia. To call it Warnerstock was treason; to acknowledge the lost royals was treason. Here Pip was, a deadly dull man, popping into her home as if by magic and casually committing treason.

Casually turning Dot’s life upside down.

“I have brothers?” she whispered. Her pendant seemed to warm in her hand as she said it, almost humming. A melody echoed in her ears.

“Two brothers,” Pip said with a nod. “And soon the three of you will be reunited.”

[sokkas-first-fangirl]

Yakko: “I’m gonna need you to just stop there.”

Pip: “Oh, surely Yakko, go ahead.”

Yakko: “Oh no, I didn’t have anything to say, I just really really need you to stop talking.”

Pip: “….Fair enough.”

[sokkas-first-fangirl]

Sneak peek for the next chapter of The Warner Underground!

***

“Sanctuary?” Dot repeated with raised eyebrows.

“It’s a rebel base,” Yakko explained. “Where we hide our most vulnerable. It’s where a lot of rebels hide their kids. My friend Daisy lives there, she’s only four.”

Living in a rebel base full time. If it was anything like the one they’d stayed in last night, Dot couldn’t imagine it. It sounded gross. Then again, if so many people were there, it had to be bigger and nicer, right?

The resistance’s most vulnerable members...She wondered if the three of them ought to live there too. They were as vulnerable as it got.

Vulnerable. Dot didn’t like that word. She didn’t want to be vulnerable.

“Pip vill be the easy part,” Scratchy said. He finished his tea and frowned. “Though his home is heavily guarded und enchanted. Salazar’s forces have tried to get in and failed for ten years.”

“Well, they weren’t invited,” Yakko said blandly. He held the map out, tapping at the big red X. “He’s a pain in the neck, but he wants us there for something, and frankly I’ve a few choice words for the guy.”

“Please don’t smash him,” Scratchy said. “Ve still need him.”

“Yeah, we need him to shut up,” Dot muttered.

[sokkas-first-fangirl]

*

His eyes locked on the big guard, looming over him with his net back in his hands.

And the oddest thing happened: the guard didn’t attack him. In fact, he didn’t do anything but gape at Yakko.

“Dah?” he said, holding his net in suddenly limp hands. “William?”

Yakko frowned. “Who?”

*

It's been ten years since Salazar seized the throne. Ten years since the Warners were separated.

The wheels of fate are turning and, as Yakko and the rebels uncover Salazar's latest plot, it's time for the royal children to discover their destinies.

[sokkas-first-fangirl]

@the-fae-folk​

This is one of the best responses I’ve seen to a chapter update, thank you for your service

*

There was a sudden bright flash, as bright as starlight, amd the Warners screamed. Yakko immediately pushed his siblings behind him and they clung to his arms. His medallion turned hot against his chest, shimmering.

The light receded and…

“PIP!?”

Pip smacked his lips, blinking at them sleepily. “Oh, hello, Warners.”

*

The Warner siblings reach Pip’s fortress in the mountains. It’s not the warmest of reunions.