#Forgive me. seirously forgive me for the thoughts.

[3416]

Mitch Marner in NHL Mic Drop Global Series | 12.02.23

[iamwhoiam-]

nickity nick nick

oh nick. how i long to talk to you. whenever i think about it i feel like i should have broken up with db sooner just so i can talk to you. hmph. 

I have a dilemma. I want to practice self-care, but I can’t stop thinking about you and I feel like I need closure. I think after Vancouver I will seriously think about it. I mean I seirously can’t live like this. I will just send him a message and at least it is not on my hands that we can’t restart, but it will be on him. Love is two ways... and if he does not accept, then i will seriously need to move on, because he is done with us. ouch. although if he does accept then hopefully we can live happily ever after. 

I hope this isn’t a mistake either, which is something I have to think about. I really don’t want our hearts to break AGAIN. Although I sincerely feel so so so invested in nick. and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I only think about him because he actually is perfect. and i also miss him so much. Am I idealizing him. We broke up for a reason? yeah we did. but I forgive him. for all of it . although I still want to go backcountry camping. maybe he is into that stuff now? people change? 

I don’t know. I guess when we talk, we both need to be clear about what we need. Maybe we won’t have that connection anymore, to which case that is fine cuz then we aren’t meant to be then we can both move on. I just feel like I need to see him one last time. is that so bad? 

let me draft my message to him again.

Nick, 

I thought about sending you a casual message to see how you were doing or a super lengthy message to spill out all of my feelings, but I will go for the medium length message that is concise and hopefully translate how I am feeling. 

First off I want to say I am sorry. The only thing I regret from our relationship is hurting you. I struggled with this for a long time and I still am struggling. 

You are probably thinking, What is the point of this message? The point is that almost two years later I still think about you constantly and I think that I need closure or something to move on or not move on. I still love you unconditionally and I would do anything for you. I can’t really say that about anyone except my immediate family. There was a special spark about our relationship and I feel like you are the one person I will never forget. 

I think what is causing me to hang on is that we said we could be together in 1,2 or 5 years from now. I still hang on to that hope that we will be together and that is deterring me from moving on. 

Now that this message is borderline getting long... I will stop there. I miss talking to you, nick. Even if we could talk as friends that would mean a lot too. Anyways, if you are perfectly happy in life and have moved on, please don’t respond to me. The point of our break up was so that we can be happier people, so I really don’t want to deter you from that. I understand if you don’t reply, but if you do I was hoping that we could see each other to talk.