#Ford finally gets a gealth check up!

[alextwdgf01]

The Restoration Of Eroded Soils

Chap. 5: A Checkup From A.B. Normal

4,172 words

"Well, you're obviously suffering from malnutrition and sleep-deprivation. But all things considered, it could be worse." Arthuria stated as she took observations of Ford's current physical health.

"Yeah, well you didn't see him when I first got here. He was a few pounds away from bein' a skeleton." Stan said, poking at his brother's ribs, only for his hand to be slapped away with a grumble.

"He seems to have put on quite a bit of weight since then."

"Most of that is baby fat." Stan smirked.

Ford's face heated up in slight embarrassment. "Shut up, Stan."

The ginger haired woman tutted. "It can't just be baby fat. That wouldn't be healthy for either of you."

Arthuria's words gave the elder twin pause for confusion. Ford frowned.

"What does my...fat have to do with Stan's health?" he questioned.

"I was talking about you and the baby." Arthuria replied bluntly.

Ford tensed, becoming flabbergasted by her knowing of his pregnancy. His expression was alight with surprise and slight hysteria as his eyes flashed over to Stanley.

"I-bu...I-I-Stanley! Did you seriously tell her about the-the situation?!"

"He didn't have to." Arthuria cut in. "You smell of hormones."

This gave the young scientist even greater pause, trying to process her words.

"You...you can smell hormones?" Ford asked owlishly.

The young ginger nodded, nose wrinkling up in sudden disgust as she looked around the living room. "Yeah, and more. What the hell happened in here? Smells like somebody died."

"Things got a little...out of hand around here." Ford chuckled nervously, rubbing the back of his neck.

"I'll say." Arthuria lifted her satchel into her lap, cocking her head to the side as she regarded the six fingered twin. "So, how'd you end up pregnant? I never took biology in school, but last I checked, men aren't capable of carrying. "

"I, uh..." Ford looked over to Stan uncertainly, reluctant to answer.

Stan nodded to Arthuria, wordlessly saying he could tell her.

"...I study the supernatural, the oddities here in this town. During an outing two months ago, I discovered an intriguing patch of angiosperms I'd never seen before. As I got closer to inspect them, they expelled a mist of pollen all over me and I accidentally breathed some of it in." Ford explained, muttering to himself about how his allergies had been terrible for the rest of the week before continuing. "After a week, I hadn't had any ill side effects, so I wrote it off. But then I started experiencing what would be clarified as early pregnancy symptoms, and well..."

There was a beat of silence as the scientist awkwardly trailed off, before a cackling laughter filled it. Ford flinched, feeling his heart rate spike up at the sudden outburst from the ginger (too, because it reminded him of Bill's laughter). Stan himself even gave her a questioning look at her reaction to his story.

Arthuria just continued her unexplained fit, slapping her knee. All the while, Ford noticed her cap slip down slightly to one side, revealing what appeared at first glance as a tangled knot of slightly darker hair. But it appeared strange. The "knot" was almost triangular in shape and...was it twitching?

Before he could further contemplate this, Arthuria was beginning to calm down, reaching up to readjust her cap as she caught her breath.

"Sorry, sorry." she gasps in a few breaths, wiping tears of mirth from her eyes. "It's just, I was imagining what you face musta looked like when you first found out you were pregnant."

"If it was anything like the time he realized he'd forgotten to turn the oven off and our parent's apartment almost burned down, he probably looked like this." Stan said, proceeding to imitate Ford's expression at that time.

The two busted out laughing, all the while Ford hurumphed embarrassedly, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Well, I'm glad my current predicament gives you both such joy."

"Hey, I'm just tryna light'n the mood here. The situation's pretty weird, bro." Stan chortled. "But ya don't have ta get all grumpy about it."

"I believe that may be his hormones. They can cause a wom-er, individual during pregnancy to become easily agitated or overly emotional." Arthuria said as she pulled a rolled up magazine out of her bag, bringing into view for both brothers to see. "It's all in here."

Ford gave the cover a scrutinizing look, before his eyes darted back to the woman's.

"Stan neglected to say, but are you an obstetrician?" he asked, almost wary.

"Nnnooooo...but I have performed a c-section before!" Arthuria responded proudly.

"Was it successful?"

The ginger waved her hand in a so-so gesture.

Ford face palmed, turning towards his brother beside him.

"Where did you find her?" Ford asked, irritation slipping into his voice.

"I didn't. She found me." the younger twin responded.

"This is insane. She doesn't even know anything about childbirth, and probably doesn't know much about prenatal care either! I thought you said she could help?!"

“She can! In more ways then you can possibly imagine!” Stan said, his voice starting to raise dangerously.

Both twins were now staring at one another, frowning.

"Please, partel how she can possibly help?" Ford huffed out annoyedly, before turning to Arthuria with a slightly less annoyed frown. "No offense."

She raised an eyebrow. “Huh, I’ll take the offense.” She said while crossing her arms over her chest. ”Listen, I came here because I like Stan and I owe him one. I barely know anything about you, just that you’re Stan’s brother and got yourself impregnated.”

The small group stayed quiet for some time, mulling over what the others had said. Finally, Stan sighed and passed a hand over his face.

“How about we play twenty questions?” He suggested.

Ford rolled his eyes. "Seriously?"

"What? You're the one who can't stop asking how trustworthy and helpful Arthuria is. It's the only thing I could think of." Stan muttered, crossing his arms.

“I don’t mind.” Arthuria shrugged while uncrossing her arms. “I’ll even give you the first one.”

She sat back on her chair, making herself comfortable, her bag resting back next to her chair. The eldest twin pondered to himself for a moment, brows scrunched up in concentration.

"What is your exact line of work?" Ford finally asked.

Arthuria thought for a moment, raising a hand to her chin in deep thought.

“Mmm… thief. People need some things from somewhere and I offer my service to… retrieve said things. At a certain price.” She answered with a bright smile on her face, showing her teeth to the brothers. “My turn. How far are you into your pregnancy?”

Stanford's eyes widened at her response. A theif? No wonder she was an associate of his brother's. How in the hell did he seriously believe she can be trusted to help them?

"Hrum." he clears his throat. "I um, two months. Two months and one week."

She nodded and closed her eyes. “So you’ll probably be due between...late August to mid September, depending. Okay, that’ll give us time.” She opened her eyes and motioned for Ford to continue. “What’s your question?”

"If you are a...thief, as you so boldly state, how did you come to obtain medical knowledge?"

Arthuria laughed nervously and rubbed the back of his neck.

“That’s… that’s a long story that’s more suited with a couple of beers. The short version is… being a medic was the only way I could survive Bastogne and the… Battle of the Bulge.“ She shot the twins a shy smile before switching her attitude to a more cheerful one. “What are your eating habit?”

Perturbed, Ford glanced at his brother, as if to silently ask if he should question her about that. Stanley shook his head.

"My eating habits are...sufficient." he responds.

"That's a load of bullshit." Stan reprimanded. "Your eating habits suck."

"They do not. I have been eating healthily."

"Going nearly a month without eating isn't healthy, Poindexter. Even you should know that."

Arthuria tilted her head.

“A month? While you were carrying?” She pointed to his stomach with a worried look on her face. “Am I to assume you just… drank liquid during that time?” Arthuria stood up and took a step forward, her metal boots clicking loudly on the wooden floor.

"Coffee, specifically." Stan answered for his twin.

"That's really not good. Not just the not eating, but ingesting a whole lot of caffeine can harm the baby as well."

Ford crossed his arms over his chest and pouted. “I-I didn’t know for sure at that time I was… And I had some other more present matters to take care of.” He turned away to face the wall.

“Well coffee is gonna have to go, even de-caffe. It’ll harm the baby in more ways than you can imagine. Unless you aren’t planning to keep it?” She said that last part barely above a whisper.

The six fingered scientists heard her words nonetheless, and stiffened slightly, quickly losing himself in deep thought over her question. Did he want to keep it? I mean, he'd been going through the motions of preparing for the inevitable end of the world and trying to stop Bill that he hadn't paid much mind to the pregnancy. And during the past week with Stan here, he's just been assuming that he would have to have the child. But if there now was an option in the matter, does he really want to go through with it?

“Look, I’m only saying this because… Raising a kid is a big responsibility. It’s not some project you can discard once you're bored with it. I don’t know if you’ve realized it yet, but… a life is growing inside of you and it’s gonna come out one way or another.” A look of horror crossed her face and she looked at the pregnant men straight in the eyes. “I’ll need to look at your pelvis.”

"M-my pelvis? Why?" Ford questioned owlishly.

"Yeah. You'd only have to look at someone's pelvis if they were going to give birth naturally. And it's not like Ford can." Stan paused for a moment, wincing. "Can he?"

“That’s why I wanna look at it. I don’t know the extent of the… flower’s power. Obviously it created some sort of uterus inside of you to carry the baby… but I don’t know if it changed you in other ways.” She crouched down in front of Ford resting a cold hand over his clothed belly. “There’s a reason only women give birth. Men’s pelvis' are too narrow to let a baby’s head pass.”

Stanford shifted uncomfortably at both her touch and words. "Aside from the, um...ability to carry and symptoms, I haven't noticed any other...physical changes of my body. None external."

"It still wouldn't hurt to be sure." the ginger woman said.

A cheeky smile spread accros Stan’s face.

“Looks like we are in for an improvised hospital visit.” He said while resting and squeezing his twin’s shoulders. “Unless you have some sort of X-ray machine lying around?”

"I do, actually. I built one a while back to observe the pace of which Fiddleford's arm healed." Ford stated, standing from his seat to look for said item.

"What was wrong with his arm?" the grifter asked.

"It was broken while we were studying a Gremoblin." he responded nonchalantly, sifting through one of the kitchen sink cabinets.

Arthuria rosed from her crouched position and tilted her head.

“And it worked?” She asked incredulously. She turned to look at Stan. “What is your brother? I thought you said he was a scientist?” she pointed a thumb toward Ford.

"I am, but I also build inventions. Some for personal use, and others that I'm paid to construct. Ah-ha!" Ford exclaimed triumphantly, pulling a small handheld device with a screen in the center. "For example, I also have a prototype mind control tie Regan's masters requested I make. So that they could control what he said during meetings and political gatherings. He had a bad habit of getting off topic."

“Yeah, like that sounds like a good idea…” She deadpanned while her hat actually jumped a little.

Ford froze in place for a moment wondering how it had happened. The rest of her body hadn’t make any movement that would result in her hat moving on it’s own. There was something going on under her hat.

Stan just stared at the device in his brother’s hands. “And it works? This thing can take X-rays?”

"Yes. All you have to do is press this button to scan the selected area, wait a moment for the xray to analyze, and then it will pop up on the screen." the six fingered man explained, turning the machine on and handing it to Arthuria.

She carefully grabbed it between her hands and turned the device over, giving it a thorough once over. She brought it close to her face, the object facing her, and it bumped with the cap of her hat, making the back of it rise slightly from her head. As she scrunched her face in concentration, her finger slipped and pressed the scan button. There was a flash of bright light, making her jump and nearly dropping the device on the floor.

“Crap! The switch is sensitive!” She exclaimed while setting it on the table, blinking rapidly. “Crap. Can’t see much of anything now.”

As Arthuria went to scrub at her eyes to rid them of the dots clouding her vision, she unknowingly shoved her cap back. Stanford noticed only when something within her hair seemed to retreat backwards. He squinted, adjusting his glasses to be sure he wasn't seeing things.

Just near the end of where her cap rested, he could see a small lump burrowed in her ginger locks. It was a little darker than her hair and seemed to be the length of a hand. The lump twitched slightly as the thief brought her hands back away from her eyes.

Stan just laughed at her antics, holding his mid-section and trying to catch his breath. “Oh man! You haven’t changed a bit, have ya!” He managed to say between the laughing spree.

Arthuria just snarled at him and adjusted his hat on her head. The flash of teeth was short, but Ford could have swore he saw two of them were quite pointy, like that of a canine. He wanted to question herabout it, when his X-ray machine beeped and a picture of Arthuria’s skull started to appear.

"Uh, why does your skull appear to have holes near the top of the cranium?" Ford questioned, peering down at the screen.

"Huh?" Arthuria turned her gaze down to the screen, eyes going slightly wide.

"They look like the ones for your ears. But-" The ginger haired woman didn't give him a chance to finish his train of thought, clicking a button on the device that caused her xray to disappear.

"Whoops! Sorry, I have clumsy fingers." Arthuria said nervously, wiggling her fingers for emphasis.

This caused the scientist to hurumph in suspicion.

“Clumsy fingers aren't a good quality to have as a thief.” He said while checking the device to make sure it had still saved the picture for him to look at later.

"Eh, what can I say? I do better in situations where I'm underpressure. That's why I'm great at my job." she said, brushing the incident off.

Stan clapped his hands together and cleared his throat, bringing the attention back to him instead on the two hot heads starring at one another. “So can she use that machine or not to look at your… pelvis or do we need to go to a hospital?” He asked in a casual tone.

"Yes, it can be used to view one's...pelvis." Ford replied, eye twitching.

"Okay, great. Then, let's get it over with."

Sighing, Arthuria took back the device and turned to face Stanford. She looked him up and down before shrugging. “You’re gonna have to loose the pants.” She deadpanned.

A bright blush overtook the elder twin's face, sputtering indignitly. "I-is that really necessary?!"

"You should know how xrays work. After all, you built one." Arthuria said, quirking an eyebrow.

Stanford blinked owlishly a few times before he realized the truth of her words. It’s true the metal buckle on his belt and buttons on his pants could altered the results and obstruct view of what she was looking for. Begrudgingly, he started to undo his belt and dropped his pants to the floor shortly after. He crossed his arms over his chest subconsciously to avoid covering his boxer-claded netheregions.

“Just get it over with.” He hissed through clenched teeth.

Arthuria crouched down at arms length from Ford, giving him as much distances as she could and raised the device again. She glanced upward toward him.

"Just so you know, I’ve seen worse than a grown man in undies.” She hastily took a picture with the device, raised back up and sat at the table to wait for the picture to appear.

Stanford slowly crouched down to pick up his pants and started putting them back on, clinging to the last remains of dignity he still had. He noticed how his brother kept hovering around him and brought one of the chairs closer for him to sit in. Ford frowned, but accepted the offered chair.

“I’m not an invalid, Stan. I can walk around just fine.” He whispered.

Stan just raised his hands in a peaceful manner, stepping away from the chair. “Sorry, sorry… just wanted to help.” He said in a voice just as quiet as Ford’s.

The elder twin’s shoulders dropped. He hadn’t meant hurt his brother's feelings, he just didn’t want to be treated like a sick or infirm person. He wasn’t ill, not completely. He opened his mouth to reassure his twin when they both heard a surprised exclamation come from the other side of the room. Turning their heads, they both saw Arthuria stand up and walk over to them.

“I’ve got some good news and bad news.” She said in a serious tone, the X-ray screen turned toward her. “The bad news is you’re gonna need a C-section. No matter what your decision is, that baby isn’t coming out… the usual way. Your pelvis is still too narrow for a baby's head to fit.” She explained.

"Okay, so what's the good news?" Stanford asked, examining his pelvic xray.

Arthuria smiled softly and pointed to a blurry spot on the screen. It wasn’t very clear, but a bright little dot stood in the middle of the picture. It was round and yet, very deformed,. It resemble a grotesque attempt at sketching a peanut, with little strings attached to it. It had dark spots on it. Ford squinted at the picture, trying to process what she was pointing at.

“The baby looks healthy and in good condition.” She tapped the screen again, precisely on one of the darker spot around the clearer dot. “Pretty sure that’s it’s heart.”

Both twins stared in awe at the small dot that was a baby. Stanford's baby. Stanley's niece/nephew. The eldest took the device from Arthuria and placed his thumb delicately over the dot, lightly running it over the image.

“Surreal, isn’t?” Arthuria said with a soft voice. “You can see the heart, the head and the little noodles are probably it’s limbs developing.” She explained as she pointed to the different parts of the fetus.

Stan nodded but didn’t take his eyes off the little white spot on the screen. “It’s barely the size of a peanut…” Stan whispered.

"Yeah, it'll get bigger as the months progress. By the end of the third month, the baby should be around the size of a lemon." the ginger informed.

She cleared her throat and looked at the brothers with a worried expression.

“Passed that… point, it’ll be harder and more dangerous to remove it. If you decide not to keep it.” She said in a matter of fact.

Throughout the exchange, Ford didn’t say a word. He was too focus on the little dot he could see in the middle of the screen, between his hip bones.

Stan glanced at his twin after a while of him not saying anything. "Ford?"

"I-I...I don't-I still need to think about...this." he finally sputtered out, eyes never leaving the screen.

Stan and Arthuria both nodded in understanding. She tapped his shoulder to get his attention.

“I think my check up for today is complete. I still want to get my hands on some hospital equipment in the near future. There are a few things I would like to check with proper equipment, but it can wait for now.” she said and exited the room, leaving the two brothers to sort out their thoughts.

A few moments later, her footsteps could be heard echoing around the quiet house as she climbed the stairs back to her room. Both twins were still looking at the screen.

“Heh, your own little peanut there, Sixer.” Stan chuckled.

Stanford sighed, rose up and, after a long moment, finally placed the device on the table, monitor screen facing down. He then turned to his brother.

“Stanley, I can’t think about… about what’s growing inside of me with the threat of Bill still looming above my head!” He exclaimed, hands splaying wide on each side of him.

"Oh yeah. That guy." Stan grumbled.

"He's not just 'that guy,' Stanley! He's an interdimensional demon with a gateway to our universe sitting in the basement!"

"Then why don't we just destroy the portal? Wouldn't that solve the problem?"

Pacing back and forth in the small space that was the kitchen, Ford grabbed his hair, tugging at it.

"It’s not that simple! That would only solve half of my problem!” He turned to face Stan and glared. “I gave him access to my mind and body, Stanley! Until the end of time! Destroying the portal… it won’t be enough! And with you here and now your friend! It’s only a matter of time before he acts!”

"Well, it's safe in here for now." Stan said, motioning around them. "I mean, we did put up that unicorn voodu barrier so he couldn't get in here. And so far, he hasn't hijacked your body again."

“But it’s only a matter of time!” Ford went on as he kept on rambling. “He is a demon. He would stop at nothing to get what he wants! And he wants me! The barrier keeps him out of the house and by proxy, my head, but there’s no telling if it would keep him outside if he decidestopossesssomeoneelseandgetin. Themagicisstronbutwoulditbestrongenoughtokeepanallpowerfulbeingsuchashim…” Stanford’s breath became short and he soon found himself gasping for air.

"Breathe, Stanford. No need in getting yourself all worked up." Stan said, patting his twin's back.

Ford pulled himself from the other's touch, glaring. "Don't patronize me, Stan."

"I'm not, I'm just tryin' to get you to calm down." Stan placated.

“I am calm!”

Stan crossed his arms over his chest and stared down at his twin. “Yeah, you reek serenity and balance. Especially at that moment.”

"Well, excuse me if my version of calm isn't to your liking." the scientist said sarcastically. "But I have a huge weight on my shoulders right now."

"Then let me bare some of it, that's what I'm here for! So you don't have to go through any of this alone." Stan pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. “That’s why I called Arthuria in the first place. I don’t know what happened, but we can’t do this alone. We need help and… I know you don’t trust her, but having her here is better than nothing.” He said calmly.

Hopefully his brother’s outburst was due to the hormones coursing through his system and seeing him calm would sooth Ford. Amd it seemed to do the trick, the tension seeming to drain from Stanford as he let out a weary sigh.

"I know, I know. There's just too much going on and I feel overwhelmed." he scrubbed a hand down his face, displacing his glasses from their perch on his nose.

Stepping forward, Stanley placed a reassuring hand on his elder brother's shoulders.

“Yeah, it’s a lot. But we’ll get through it together.” He offered him one of his hand, a bright smile on his lips. “Where ever we go, we go together, remember?” he asked, a worried frown on his features.

"I..." Ford looked hesitantly from his brother's face to his offered hand, before suddenly backing up and turning away. "We need to come up with a fool proof plan the defeat Bill. In order to do that, I need to review my notes. Dig up as much information on him as I can."

Stan sighed and his shoulders dropped, defeated. He shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans and turned around, leaving his brother alone for the time being.

"Then, let's get started." he whispered.