#Film Penance

[filmpenance]

Bug (2006)

Dir. William Friedkin, 1h 42m [Film Penance 2025]

"I shouldn't have told you that, but I needed to tell somebody, and I trust you." - Peter

Agnes is a divorced waitress living hand-to-mouth, staying in a room at the end of a motel. She's been getting unsettling telephone calls from someone she assumes is her ex-husband - a violent man recently out of prison.

Her life is small and she keeps it that way. If your head stays down, there are fewer worries to contend with. The drawback to this life is the loneliness.

Her friend from work introduces Agnes to Peter. He's a bit of a loner too; integrating back into US society has been difficult since returning from his tour of duty in Afghanistan.

Something about Peter sparks something deep in Agnes, and their relationship grows. It grows into something strong enough to confront her Ex.

It grows into something that can defy reason itself.

Bug had an impact on me. Directed by William Friedkin and written by Tracy Letts, it had me thinking about the realities we create in relationships. It successfully married the reality of a hard scrabble town and the real violence that people face alongside the delusions and hopes we sustain to get by.

The movie has a dusty, worn-in feel. It starts exhausted, which makes sense for people at the end of their rope. The camera work and music add to the sense of unease. I've seen Bug referred to as a horror film; I'd say it leans more toward a dramatic thriller, though there are terrifying moments.

The performances are extraordinary. Harry Connick Jr is Agnes' demonic ex-husband, and Michael Shannon inhabits the looming and child-like Peter. Ashley Judd as Agnes however, is a standout. I have never seen her this good - it's an award-worthy turn. I would watch it again just for her.

The end moments of this film feel shocking yet inevitable.

I'm surprised this movie isn't better known, given the talented names associated with it. I've had it on my list forever, from an old movie review I saw, and I'm glad I did.

It's not for everyone, that said, I highly recommend it.

Trailer: https://youtu.be/QMRljLE8gQA?si=5ofgoREyIKi5_c-C

[r0ttngc0rps3]

i love her emo ass

[scumgristle]

[wei-ying-kexing-apologist]

Bengiyo's Queer Cinema Syllabus

For those of you who don’t know, I decided to run the gauntlet of @bengiyo’s queer cinema syllabus, which is comprised of 9 units. I have completed four of the units (here is my queer cinema syllabus round up post with all the films I’ve watched and written about so far). It is time for me to make my way through Unit 5- Lesbians, which includes the following films: The Incredibly True Adventure of Two Girls in Love (1995), Bound (1996), Water Lilies (2007), Saving Face (2004), D.E.B.S. (2004), The Watermelon Woman (1996), Set It Off (1996), The Handmaiden (2016), Carol (2015), Imagine Me and You (2005), Two of Us (2019), Rafiki (2018), and The Color Purple (1985).

Today I will be watching:

The Color Purple (1985) dir. Stephen Spielberg

[Run Time: 2h 34m, Language: English]

Summary: A tale spanning forty years in the life of Celie, an African-American woman living in the South who survives incredible abuse and bigotry.

Cast:

Whoopi Goldberg as Celie

Oprah Winfrey as Sofia

Danny Glover as Mister (aka Albert)

Margaret Avery as Shug

FIRST OF ALL, AN APOLOGY TO THE LESBIANS. PLEASE KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU AND THAT I AM SORRY THAT IT TOOK ME EIGHT MONTHS TO GET THROUGH TEN FILMS. 

Secondly, I was really excited to get to this film because I have actually seen it before, but not for a long time and I watched the movie musical when it came out a few years back which meant that I was setting myself up nicely for an adaptations project. 

So, before I started this film, I decided to read the book, that way I could spend some time actively comparing the different iterations of this beautiful story. So I’m going to talk about some of the things I noticed: 

Love for the Source Material 

I think there is always a risk when you take a novel and try to turn it in to something else. There are plenty of instances where the original story is torn to shreds, completely ignored, rearranged to the point of being unidentifiable, or otherwise disrespected. That is absolutely NOT the case here. When I was reading the book, I got to the letter Celie wrote about Sofia coming to confront her after Harpo beat her and saw some lines that were directly turned in to lyrics in the song ‘Hell No’ that Sofia sings in the musical. 

Which caused me to actually go back through the book for a time to try and see what other lines from the book may have made it in to the songs. And there were a few, for example: 

Some more indirect references: 

Shug’s song “Push Da Button” in the book does not have any lyrics that match dialogue in the book, however the song itself is a direct reference to a conversation Shug and Celie have regarding Celie’s “button” (clit) and learn how to masturbate. 

Sofia’s song “Hell No” is a direct reference to Sofia’s mantra of “Hell no” 

Celie’s song “Dear God” is a direct reference to Celie’s letters since she starts almost all of them with “Dear God”

Celie’s song “I’m Here” is a direct reference to the line “I’m poor, I’m black, and I may even be ugly, but I’m here” 

The song “A Tree Named Sofia” is potentially a more subtle reference, but the book itself has a recurring theme of making yourself in to a tree

Some almost word for word lyrics that reference the book:

From the song “She Be Mine”: “I sews "Olivia" on her didies / Lil' stars and flowers too“ is taken from the line “I embroder Olivia in the seat of all her daidies. I embrody lot of little stars and flowers too.” 

From the song “Dear God (Shug)”: “I wash her body and it feel like I'm prayin'” is taken from the line “I wash her body, it feel like I’m praying”

From the song “Hell No”: “I feel sorry for you, to tell you the truth / You remind me of my mama / Under your husband's thumb, nah / You under your husband's foot” is taken from the line “To tell the truth, you remind me of my mama. She under my daddy thumb. Naw, she under my daddy foot”

And there are more, but perhaps the one I find the most interesting is actually the lyrics from “Hell No” because it appears in the book, the musical, and the movie word for word and it is like the largest chunk of unedited text in all cases. Those lines being: 

“ All my life I had to fight. I had to fight my daddy. I had to fight my brothers. I had to fight my cousins and my uncles. A girl child ain’t safe in a family of men. But I never thought I’d have to fight in my own house.” [...] “But I’ll kill him dead before I let him beat me.”

While there are a couple other lines that appear in all three versions, it is not lost on me that these lines about having to fight men are the ones that show up all the time. 

And the film itself? Almost all of the dialogue is straight out of the book. (I’m not saying the musical doesn’t, btw I just haven’t watched the musical in awhile so I can’t make a definitive statement about it) I spent quite a bit of time highlighting parts of the book that fit the film dialogue. Here are two examples:  

My favorite part of watching this film through an adaptations lens is that it allowed me to discover just how much love, care, and respect for the story that Alice Walker told. 

Adaptation Additions

Violence

In some ways the book is more violent than the film, but not in all ways. One of the most jarring and painful changes from the book to the film is Nettie’s departure from Mister’s house. In the book, Celie references it in just a few lines. “He say one night in bed, Well, us done help Nettie all we can. Now she got to go. Where she gon go? I ast. I don’t care, he say. I tell Nettie the next morning. Stead of being mad, she glad to go. Say she hate to leave me is all. Us fall on each other neck when she say that.” but in the film? 1) we get a moment where Mister tries to rape Nettie, 2) when Nettie is kicked out of the house, both her and Celie are sobbing, clinging to each other as tight as they can and Mister physically separates them. 3) Mister keeps punching Nettie’s hands to try to get her to let go of a pole so that he can more easily throw her out 4) He physically carries Nettie out past the boundaries of his land, and she is fighting him the entire time. Like to the point where she falls out of his arms and collapses on the ground because she’s fighting so hard. 5) When he finally gets a better grip on Nettie and has her securely in his arms, Celie is clinging on to his ankles sobbing and being physically dragged along the ground. 

Similarly with Sofia, while Celie does mention that Sofia was dragged to the ground and beaten by police. That is all that we hear. In the film, she is knocked out via pistol whip so we avoid seeing any further of a physical beating. However we get two different acts of violence/violation against her 1) in the film she is verbally assaulted so we are hearing slurs being flung at her 2) when she collapses to the ground the wind picks up her skirt and her underwear is exposed. I’m not sure if that was even intentional but it was an added little detail that further solidified the violence she went through.  

Shug Backstory

Now, one of the most major benefits of adapting something in to a different medium is the room you have to give audiences a different view  of what is happening. The Color Purple by Alice Walker is told through letters from Celie to God and to Nettie and through letters from Nettie to Celie. There are no other perspectives in the book. What this means is that we do not have the ability to obtain deeper information about a character without Celie or Nettie specifically knowing/hearing about it. 

The place where I saw the biggest narrative change as a result of this is around Shug’s backstory. In the book, all we really know about Shug’s relationship with her parents is that she does not have much of one. We don’t know what her father does for work, we do not see Shug trying to get her Dad to engage in conversation with her, we do not see them repair their relationship at the end of the story, etc. 

But because this is a film, it is not required for us to stay in Celie and Nettie’s perspectives and thusly we get this whole side plot about Shug meeting up with her father who is a preacher. Which is an addition that I love because so much of this story is about the ways relationships shift and change over time, the ways people harm each other, and the ways they can find themselves back together again. And I do distinctly remember Shug being referenced as the peacher’s daughter in the musical, which means that while this piece of Shug’s backstory is not carried over from the book, the musical adaptation carries on that canon for Shug. 

Other smaller additions that I think are fun when it comes to the film: 

Just the visual cues for things. My favorite being the cut to the men building the railroad in Georgia happening at the same time that we get Nettie’s voiceover about the road being built through the Olinka village. 

The way some of the motifs change. In the book, one of the recurring themes is being turned to wood/being a tree (“I make myself wood. I say to myself, Celie, you a tree. That’s how come I know trees fear man”). But the recurring motif in the film is shadows being cast. 

SEEING! CELIE! SMILE!

Diminished Themes

Okay that said, obviously the run time of a movie or a musical will often be much different from the time a person can spend with a book. As such there are some plot points that are cut or changed, and while there are some that I think make sense, there are others that I do feel diminished the story. 

Some changes that I think were good from a run time stand point:

Cutting Shug’s additional romance with the 19 year old was something I do think was a good decision. 

Cutting the part where Celie thinks Nettie is dead (again) after getting a telegram saying that ship Nettie and the children were on sank in the Atlantic

Harpo eating so so much

Sofia having to deal with Eleanor Jane

Some changes that I feel neutral about:

There was much less emphasis on Nettie’s time in Africa and therefore there was not really a point in the film where the audience or the characters was having to grapple with the complexities of being a Black American in Africa. I can totally see why they would cut this section for time, I don’t think it is necessary for the fundamental story, but it definitely was a recurring theme throughout the book. Just something to note if anyone is thinking about reading the book or watching the film…or both. 

Some changes that I think harmed the overarching themes: 

Less lesbianism between Celie and Shug. I assume this was a film that needed to be careful in its portrayals of queerness. And while I am glad that Shug is still such an important factor in Celie’s life, I think minimizing the time they spent interacting when they were living with Albert and also after they leave does detract a lot from both the strength and complexity of their relationship and also the emphasis of The Color Purple being a fundamentally queer story. 

Celie’s pants only coming up right at the end. It was a super important detail for me that Shug taught Celie how to sew pants and how much pants are a symbol of freedom and independence for Celie and the fact that she spends so much of her time when she’s living with Shug just nonstop sewing pants. 

Most Importantly: I am not super thrilled with the way they handled Albert’s redemption in the film compared to the book. While I do like that the film keeps the overall theme of reparations between people, I wish we’d had more of the change in Albert. (Though I will say the ending we get for Albert in the movie does map better to the change in how Albert handles removing Nettie from the house in the film). I have a lot of thoughts on this so bare with me:

Albert

OKAY SO! Before Celie leaves, she curses Albert, and in the film we really only see Albert looking rough, in the movie musical it gets even worse for him, and in the book, we only hear about the hard times Albert went through after they have already passed. While I do think it is more fun to have the visual of all the ways Albert suffered for what he did to Celie. It was so incredibly important to me that in the book Albert truly turns his entire life around. 

I loved that the thing that got Harpo and Sofia back together after like decades separated was Sofia seeing the way Harpo started to care for his father when Albert was in the deepest pits of his suffering. 

And I loved that in the book, when Celie and Albert start interacting again he truly has changed, changed for the better, and is a much more secure and happy man than he ever was before. Like I think this is one of the most beautiful things I ever read:

“After all the evil he done I know you wonder why I don’t hate him. I don’t hate him for two reasons. One, he love Shug. And two, Shug use to love him. Plus, look like he trying to make something out of himself. I don’t mean just that he work and he clean up after himself and he appreciate some of the things God was playful enough to make. I mean when you talk to him now he really listen, and one time, out of nowhere in the conversation us was having, he said Celie, I’m satisfied this the first time I ever lived on Earth as a natural man. It feel like a new experience. [...] When I was growing up, he said, I use to try to sew along with mama cause that’s what she was always doing. But everybody laughed at me. But you know, I liked it. Well, nobody gon laugh at you now, I said. Here, help me stitch in these pockets [...] “Then he say something that really surprise me cause it so thoughtful and common sense. When it come to what folks do together with they bodies, he say, anybody’s guess is as good as mine. But when you talk bout love I don’t have to guess. I have love and I have been love. And I thank God he let me gain understanding enough to know love can’t be halted just cause some peoples moan and groan. It don’t surprise me you love Shug Avery, he say. I have love Shug Avery all my life. What load of bricks fell on you? I ast. No bricks, he say. Just experience. You know, everybody bound to git some of that sooner or later. All they have to do is stay alive. And I start to git mine real heavy long about the time I told Shug it was true that I beat you cause you was you and not her. I told her, I say. I know it, he say, and I don’t blame you. [...] …Near bout to broke my sorry heart. If you know your heart sorry, I say, that mean it not quite as spoilt as you think. Anyhow, he say, you know how it is. You ask yourself one question, it lead to fifteen. I start to wonder why us need love. Why us suffer. Why us black. Why us men and women. Where do children really come from. It didn’t take long to realize I didn’t hardly know nothing. And that if you ast yourself why you black or a man or a woman or a bush it don’t mean nothing if you don’t ask why you here, period. So what you think? I ask. I think us here to wonder, myself. To wonder. To ask. And that in wondering bout the big things and asking bout the big things, you learn about the little ones, almost by accident. But you never know nothing more about the big things than you start out with. The more I wonder, he say, the more I love. And people start to love you back, I bet, I say.”

Genuinely, I think it is such a kind thing for Alice Walker to have done. Like I think there is a lot that can be said for misogyny, and patriarchy, and cycles of abuse and poverty, and the way that people are pressured by the people around them to conform in certain ways. Celie was abused for the vast majority of her life, and she told Harpo to beat Sofia. I am really glad that she leaned so much in to accountability and repairing of harm. Not only that, but he asks Celie if she was in love with Shug, ends up being understanding of her queerness, he helps Celie with her business, and they become like genuine friends.

In the film (and I think the musical too) the way that Albert does right by Celie is to pay the money that is needed to get Nettie and Celie’s children the documents they need to immigrate back to the United States thus fostering the reunion between Nettie and Celie after decades apart. And don’t get me wrong, that is an important thing for him to do. Because he is the biggest reason they had no communication between them for so long. But I just personally do not feel it is as strong of a message about how it is never too late for anyone (never too late to be reunited, never too late to be free, never too late to laugh, to hug the children you never thought you’d get to meet, never too late to love) to just have this secret grand gesture. 

Okay that was a lot, sorry! If you are still with me let’s get on to the rest. 

Favorite Scene

Favorite scene in the film is far and away the scene where Shug holds Celie’s hands down so she cannot cover her face and we get to see Celie’s huge and beautiful smile. There is so much love and care in that moment, and it is the first time that anyone really calls Celie beautiful and god it’s just…AHHH

Favorite Quote

“I’m poor, black, I may even be ugly, but Dear God I’m here! I’m here!”

Maybe it's just because I'm Here is my favorite song in the musical, maybe it's just because to be alive is ultimately such a miraculous thing.

Final Score

9/10

THIS WAS EGOT WINNER WHOOPI GOLDBERG’S FIRST FILM!!! AND SHE FUCKING CRUSHED IT. SHE WAS NOMINATED FOR AN OSCAR AND WON A GOLDEN GLOBE AND THEN WAS ONE OF THE BUSIEST FEMALE STARS BETWEEN THE YEARS OF 1985-1988. WHY? BECAUSE SHE MADE ***SEVEN*** FILMS

And with that, Unit 5 is done and it is on to Unit 6: Gems! See ya later!

[elliot-amy]

posters for the August Underground trilogy

[ishl2vrout]

Nada (April 8th 2025)

It has been 98 days into 2025 without HL2:VRAI

[mostremote]

Donald Sutherland as Attila in Novecento

[yousavorthis]

wincest/weecest fic rec list!!

hungry til well fed // sharingflannels 25k words

"There's a shared desire between Sam and Dean that is buried deep beneath the surface. The need to consume and be consumed that goes without the other's knowledge until circumstances bring things into the light. Like any form of tension, something's gotta give sometime."

miles to go before I sleep // Trojie 7k words

"Maybe, if he'd grown up without a gun in his fucking waistband, he'd have kept it to … spanking, or something. Yeah. Sam wants to be spanked like a racecar driver wants a bicycle."

Bullet for my Valentine // merle_p 8k words

"Stupid. He is so goddamn fucking stupid. Running his mouth like a fucking idiot, not knowing when to leave well enough alone. Bad enough that he just practically talked dirty to his little brother, which, Christ – he must be more stressed than he thought if his self-control mechanisms have started malfunctioning that badly. But no, no, he came up with a scenario straight out of a bad slasher film, as if that is something normal people talk dirty about, as if that is something Sam would seriously enjoy. As if – As if Dean hadn’t hunted his own brother through the maze of the bunker, eyes black and hammer raised to strike, not even a full year ago. As if Sam hadn’t, just a few weeks back, knelt at his feet, neck bared, waiting for Dean to deal a fatal blow with a fucking scythe."

Guardian Ad Litem // fraukatzen 24k words

"Sam has always called Dean “daddy” when dad’s not around. Dean likes it a lot."

(for you and me) i got no alibi // remy (iamremy) 23k words

"There are people hitting on Sam wherever he goes, and Dean is doing weird things like holding doors open for him and touching him way more than is necessary, and it's all driving Sam up the wall. It doesn't help that he's been in love with Dean for just about forever, and all of it feels like a mockery of something he'll never get to have. Meanwhile, Dean is at his wits' end trying to figure out how he can make Sam realize that he is, in fact, trying to get into his pants."

turn the other // thecapn 13k words

"Dean Winchester has hit his brother before. In anger. When he deserved it. With his righteous right hand closed into a furious fist, he has distributed what he believes to be justice. It is not just his duty to keep Sam corrected, collecting penance, it is his right. This isn’t that. --- We all have our breaking points."

I will mar myself again // theknife 2k words

""Tell me you're not doing it on purpose." Dean says. There's a tremor in his voice, and he trembles, with rage and with fear and with love, above all. Sam doesn't reply. (Or: After Sam's wall breaks, he starts getting hurt on cases. A lot.)"

Hands Away // objectlesson 13k words

"When you’re horny and alone with one person in one room for a long time and you’re sixteen and all you’ve ever been taught is to love your brother more than anything, it doesn’t seem like that far of a leap to start imagining what his mouth would feel like around your dick."

Daddy's Got You // deanbaby 4k words

"Sometimes Sam gets really needy, and the only thing that will settle him is a good, hard, deep dicking from his big brother. Luckily, Dean knows just how to take care of him. All hail Sampussy. No ages are explicitly given, I picture Sam late teens, Dean early twenties for this fic."

sink into me // poetictragedy 4k words

"Sam doesn't understand why Dean has to go out to get sex, when he’s got Sam. (Sammy's sixteen.)"

A Winter Dawn // RockSaltandCherryPie 11k words

"Sam (14) and Dean (18) enjoy winter at a cottage up north while John's on a hunt."

I ain't no lady, but you'd be the tramp // tehdirtiestsock (thatotherperv) 11k words

"a human Lady and the Tramp, with dog-like sex" AKA the original abo fic of all abo fics. yeah. *this is J2 but i thought it was worthy of being included.

Co-Sleeping // 69inthe67impala 5k words

"Sam ends up on the wrong side of a genderswap spell and Dean wants to make the most of it."

heaven is a place // candycanesandlollipops 2k words

"Sam sticks his tongue out, berry pink like the underside of something sweet and alive you’re not supposed to see, and it makes Dean think of pussy lips. Wet and slick. A pale purple circle with a smiley face stamped on it sits in the middle of all that pretty pink. Dean tilts his head up, just a little because he’s tall but his brother is taller, and licks the pill off Sam’s tongue."

7 Minutes // formalizing 4k words

"Sam was not wearing that outfit when Dean dropped him off at his friend’s Halloween party a few hours ago. If he’d been wearing that, Dean wouldn’t have let him out of the house, let alone out of the car and into a den full of horny teenagers drinking cheap beer and listening to the Backstreet Boys croon about romance."

Skirting the Issue // formalizing 2k words

""Should’a been a real nice weekend, y’know? Just the two of us—no hunt, no interruptions. Could’ve made the most of it, but you had to start up with that jealous girlfriend act of yours…" Sam hates every second he's not the sole focus of Dean's attention. Careful what you wish for."

Tap Out // formalizing 1k words

"Sam tries—really, he does. But Dean doesn't believe in pulling his punches, takes him to the ground sore and sweaty every time."

Harvest // formalizing 1k words

"He always did fall too deep in love with things that could destroy him—a fast car on an open road, cheap liquor burning all the way down, and the way his little brother says ‘please’. Sam is sweet fruit coming into season, and Dean has sticky fingers."

Fireworks // formalizing 1k words

"When Sam gets up the courage to ask his brother for kissing advice, he’s not sure what he expects–maybe a little laughter, a strange look, eventually, hopefully, some actual advice."

Pink-Pussy Dream Girl // formalizing 1k words

"Sam is first crush, first time, first love hopeless for his brother."

take everything i want you to (you're mine) // loveinourowngrave 6k words

"Feeling clean is important to Sam. Lucifer finds a way to take that away. Dean finds a way to fix it. (post Lucifer resurrecting Sam in Beat the Devil. Dean finds out, potentially in not a great way, exactly what happened between Sam and Lucifer)."

Fortunate Son // slutbee 17k words

"Dean doesn't understand why Sam is different, why he won't just do what Dad wants him to. If he did, then Dad wouldn't beat him all the time. Dean tries to help him conform, but everything changes when he finds Sam's journal, which lays out all his freaky desires."

Like Mirrors in the Distance // orphan_account 13k words

"Sam chuckled and let his chin rest against the top of her head. “It’s weird,” he said. “The kind of shit you can admit to strangers. We barely know each other, but I could never say this stuff to Dean.” She lifted her head and looked him in the eyes. “It’s because we’re strangers, Sam. When we leave, it’ll be like none of this ever happened.” “Yeah,” he said. “I dunno if that’s a comfort or a tragedy.” She rolled her eyes at him and looked back out over the town. “Both, probably,” she said."

Birds on a Wire // killabeez 14k words

"Set between "Hunted" and "Playthings." Dean's not sure when, exactly, everything started to change."

Carry Me Over the Sky // killabeez 10k words

"Follows 2x08, "Crossroad Blues." Dean's running on fumes, and Sam's the match."

The Palm Oasis // fictionallemons 12k words

"John strands Dean and Sam at a middle-of-nowhere motel while he investigates possible demon omens in Arizona. The place is nothing to write home about, but at least it has a pool. Dean resolves to think of this as a vacation for him and his studious little brother, but when their money runs out sooner than expected, he considers turning tricks at a nearby truck stop so he can feed Sam. Then a creepy guy from the pool makes an offer Dean doesn’t want to take but Sam won’t allow him to refuse—and the brothers edge over a line they’ve both been wanting to cross for a long time."

everything's warm when your heart grows cold // dollylux 1k words

"Sam comes home after a night out."

sure as the stars // dollylux 4k words

"Dean knew that letting Sam walk home from school alone was a bad idea."

Cry Little Sister // dollylux 2k words

"Sam wants Dean to play with him."

Know when to walk away and know when to run // deirdre_c 4k words

"Dean challenges Sam to a game of strip poker."

Mercy for you, none for myself // deirdre_c 2k words

"Dean enters the Panic Room at exactly the wrong time."

Bright Spark into a Flame // deirdre_c 4k words

"When Sam convinces him to camp out in front of the fireplace, Dean discovers that it's not so bad."

Between You and the Devil I Stand // deirdre_c 2k words

"If Sam can't fight anymore, Dean will fight for him."

and i know that the line is thin // according2thelore 15k words

"“It’s not working,” Dean sits down on the other end of the couch heavily with a whoosh, jostling Sam. Sam almost drops his book, and protests loudly. Dean turns to look at him. “We have to be gayer.” Sam barks a laugh, startled, but Dean’s expression doesn’t change. Sam sits up, putting his book down in his lap. “Gayer?” Sam tries to process Dean’s impassive expression. “Why don’t you tell me what you think that means?” Or: In order to catch a monster killing gay couples in Iowa, Sam and Dean have to dig deep and pull out the performance of a lifetime. Or...y'know. Not that deep. Written for WincestWednesdays July 2024 Event, Week One: "Performance"!"

Like the Real Thing // cianfrie 3k words

"With Dean, it’s always like this. A thousand years of waiting, then one minute to ruin everything. So Sam saves him the trouble. He looks straight ahead and murmurs, “Brady and I were together.” For a second, Dean’s foot lifts off the gas, and the car drifts slightly toward the center line. His arms go rigid, and the engine growls beneath them as he presses the pedal down again. He licks his lips slowly, then nods. “Okay,” he mutters, voice controlled and smooth."

Sams eyes were closed // Boys_just_wanna 1k words

"Two teenage brothers sharing a bed. What could go wrong?"

Matryoshka dolls // Goshen (applecrumbledore) 24k words

"The guy who dropped Dean off in the morning was in his late fifties, a mop of curly black hair and a boxy canvas jacket. Sam followed Dean through the motel room as he kicked off his boots and shucked his jacket. “Since… Dad. You’ve been—” “What, Sam? Since when do you give a shit about this stuff? I don’t go around holding up scorecards for all the chicks you’re not banging, you fuckin’ monk, you’d think the least you could do is—” “He looked like him, dude.”"

A shitty, earnest play starring someone else // Goshen (applecrumbledore) 25k words

"Sam could see himself letting his carefully-cultivated life go totally off the rails at Dean's sudden appearance: skip lectures, bail on friends, hole up with him in his stuffy little dorm room and fuck each other's brains out like they were in the pay-by-the-hour motels of their youth, waste his hard-earned money on greasy takeout and hunt some motherfucking ghosts, all while being hopelessly, unapologetically in love, the way he was before he had anything else to think about."

Acid // Goshen (applecrumbledore) 15k words

"Sam said, "You know I wish you just wanted to fuck me? That would be easy, they've got words for that kind of messed up." That just made Dean's pits sweat. He felt like Wile E. Coyote running into a tunnel painted onto a mountain face, little birds circling around his head. "Uh." "What do you know about Jeffrey Dahmer?" He'd been having a good day."

Yesterday, minnesota // Goshen (applecrumbledore) 29k words

"Any initial awkwardness filtered away over a hundred miles of highway as Sam thumbed through the missing witch’s diary again. Some people had secret coke habits or secret second wives, and some people had passionate, pitch black, no-kissing sex with a family member every four to six months and never talked about it. You had to find ways to cope."

I have to live here // Goshen (applecrumbledore) 30k words

"“Have you been doing laundry? Where are all my boxers?” Dean kept walking right into this stuff. Sam weighed his options and spoke carefully. “Half your boxers are in the second drawer of my dresser. You didn’t like going to get clean underwear, in the morning, so you made me clear out a drawer for you.” He paused. “I’ve got a drawer in your room, too.” Dean looked physically pained. “That… can’t be true.” Sam sighed and went back to his book. “I know you don’t remember, but we had a lot of sex. You’re gonna have to trust me.”"

Worthless cartography // Goshen (applecrumbledore) 15k words

"Dean didn’t know what finally made him go for it. The djinn’s dream was a catalyst, but the call was coming from inside the house, and he’d been letting it ring for a very, very long time. (They get one night together right before Sam is taken to Cold Oak. Dean has to deal with that.)"

Snooping and breaking things // Goshen (applecrumbledore) 18k words

"Dean kept looking at his ring on Sam’s finger, which was also his finger. To see the ring anywhere but his own hand seemed wrong, and seeing it on Sam’s hand specifically was… intimate. He couldn’t think of another word for it. Not more intimate than inhabiting Sam’s body, but it was close."

salt skin // Trojie 7k words

"It's about permission. Or it's about pain. Or it's about something else entirely, Dean doesn't fucking know. All he knows is, he doesn't have enough trust left in him to just leave any part of Sam in Cas's care."

snuff // chinablue 4k words

"There's nothing good on TV, and Sam's contemplating killing his father again."

Under Sufferance // veronamay 4k words

"From this prompt on blindfold_spn: Sam/Dean, touch-starvation. Besides other things, Lucifer touch-starves Sam in Hell as punishment (Sam did fall in the Pit with his entire body and all...). Once out, Sam cannot bring himself to ask Dean despite how badly he needs it. Dean needs to realize what Sam's problem is, and how to get himself to help, since constant touching doesn't exactly come naturally to him. Set between seasons 5 and 6."

[golddustwomanwins]

Pastor!Art had me thinking something like...

“I'll pray for forgiveness...” he says, his fingers moving higher between her thighs, the words like a vow as he whispers. “Just let me worship you first.”

SIN pt. 2

I thought I’d combine this with the SIN story I wrote.

18+

Previous Part

The church emptied out, golden rays of the sinking sun glittering through the stained glass. You were sat in one of the wooden benches while Reverend Donaldson was talking to a younger couple about their upcoming marriage.

He’d seen you at mass again, your boyfriend dutily at your side, holding your hand. There was a soft glimmer in your eyes every time you looked at Art, or maybe he just imagined it. Wishful thinking.

But now he could see you from the corner of his eye, sitting there patiently, only waiting for him to finish his conversation.

He was looking awfully good that day, the dark black of his shirt looking absolutely stunning against his pale skin. A stubborn strand would consistently fall into his eyes and your hands were itching to push it back for him.

You tried to focus, you were here on a mission. It was your boyfriend who’d had the idea at first, seducing—corrupting—the towns Reverend. It was only a game to you two. Sure, you’d get a couple orgasms out of it but your boyfriend was the one who wanted to go all out.

“You can lure him out of his corner, I see the way he looks at you,” your boyfriend had murmured, kissing your cheek gently.

“I don’t know. I know Reverend Donaldson for a long time now. He’s a good pastor,” you’d said unsure about his deal. He pushed a few strands gently out of your face, kissing down your neck.

“Come on, do it for me. Just wanna see if he bites. How fun would that be? Imagine we film him fucking you.” He bit gently at your collarbone.

You’d flinched at first at his suggestion. Despite you being up to anything, it felt wrong to tease Art. While your boyfriend only attended mass to get off on the fact that the town’s Pastor was thirsting after you, you genuinely enjoyed mass.

Reverent Donaldson’s sermons always made you feel lighter and happier. Like there was hope after all. At first you weren’t really turned on by the idea to seduce him. Yes, he was an attractive man but far too old for you. You doubted he’d even fall for your ruse.

But then he did.

And despite your feigned nonchalance in front of your boyfriend you started to crave Art’s touch. The way he talked, whimpered and even breathed. It played in a loop in your head, every time resulting in your hand sliding into your sleeping shorts.

You’d find yourself more often than not, imagining him fucking you, when it was your boyfriend’s cock pounding your cunt.

Art was finally finished, his steps echoing as he walked over to you. You could see that he was being cautious, a gentle mask settling on his face.

“How can I help you today?” Completely ignoring the fact that he was knuckle deep inside you only the week prior.

“I was hoping you could take my confession again,” you blinked innocently up at him. Art shivered at your words, images drawing in his mind again. As if he didn’t fall asleep to your panting picture every night. As if he didn’t imagine his wet fingers plunging into your cunt at every wake hour.

He refrained from touching himself. He didn’t earn it. The strain in his balls and red head of his cock was a new form of penance but it made this situation with you all the more dangerous.

“I don’t take confession today,” he swallowed. “I can call Brother Zachary, I’m sure he can help you.”

Art went to turn but your hand shot out and grasped his wrist. Art turned as if you burned him, his gaze growing darker.

You quickly drew your hand back, forcing a flush to your cheeks. “I’m sorry,” you said gently. “I’m just so used to you. I trust you enough with my sins.”

Your words were pure devotion. Reverend Donaldson’s jaw clenched as he straightened slightly.

“Like I said. I am not open for confessions today.”

He could draw his Roman collar as tight as he wanted but he couldn’t fool you.

“Could you make an exception?” You took a step closer, making Art inhale sharply. A divot formed between his brows, taking the angelic look from his face.

“Listen,” he sighed. “I am only telling you this because I know you’re a good girl.”

You shivered at his words and Art tried not to notice. He went on, “what we did wasn’t right. I tried to help you and damned myself for it.”

You shook your head quickly, reaching for his hand again. He didn’t flinch this time. “You did help me. You made me feel good.”

Art shivered when you intertwined your fingers with his. “What we did wasn’t wrong, Reverend.”

He shook his head quickly. “It was a sin of the flesh.”

Arts head slowly hung forward and at the devastated long on his face you almost felt bad. Almost.

He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, enjoying the way your thumb ran over his knuckles. You knew you only needed to push him a little. If you overdid it he’d be scared and draw away again.

Slowly, his head rose again, taking in your face. Your plump glossy lips, your innocent wide eyes. His eyes dipped lower and a soft sound left his throat.

“You want me to burn in hell,” he murmured before he tugged at your hand.

You tried to push down the slow smile of satisfaction as he rounded the podium and tugged you harshly over to the stone altar.

“What—“ before you could talk his hands found your hips and lifted you onto the cold slab of stone. “Reverend—“

“Stop calling me that,” he hissed. Art pushed the skirts of your dress up again, revealing the skin of your thighs.

“What would you like me to call you?” He didn’t answer the question as his fingers hooked your panties to the side, cheeks flushing at the sight.

“I’ll pray for forgiveness…” he said, his fingers moving higher between your thighs, the words like a vow as he whispered, “just let me worship you first.”

His hold on your thighs tightened as he pulled them so far apart you felt the stretch in your muscles.

You cried out when his tongue took a long drag over your cunt, eliciting sparks all along your spine.

“Hold still,” he murmured, his tongue moving faster, wetness pooling from your cunt along your thighs and dripping onto the altar.

You were an offering to the gods, the salvation to all evil as your juices dripped onto the sacramental stone.

“Fuckk,” Art huffed as he sucked your clit, one hand moving upward and closing around your tit. You arched into his touch, whimpering softly.

Art pushed a finger into your pussy, tongue lapping up your taste as his nose repeatedly pumped against your clit. His hips were humping the air desperately, moans leaving his lips like a prayer.

“I haven’t stopped thinking about you,” the words tumbled passed his lips easily as he groaned against you, the vibration making you buck your hips up desperately.

“Day and night you’re my only thought,” he kept going desperately, the taste of you working like a truth serum, making him confess all his sins.

Wet sounds echoed around you when a wooden bank creaked. Art looked up in panic but there was no one around. Your hand found his head and pushed him back. “Don’t stop,” you huffed, hips circling desperately, yearning for friction.

Hesitating, Art lowered his head again, sucking at you. Your hand took his wrist and slowly dragged his hand from your tit to your throat. Art shivered looking at you for a moment as you squeezed your throat with his hand.

His gaze grew darker as he squeezed your throat, fingers fucking you faster, tongue working harder.

“Oh fuck, just like that,” you choked out. Your walls started to flutter around his fingers and his teeth tugged at your clit.

“Oh, fuck, god, Art,” you lost it completely, hips bucking, drool slipping past the corner of your mouth as you came undone on his fingers.

He kept pumping his fingers, the tips curling and your eyes widened in shock.

“Art, Art, Art—you need to—ah, get out get out—“ panic clouded your voice and he quickly withdrew his fingers only to watch you gush from your cunt.

“Oh fuckk,” a long whine left your lips as you squirted all over the altar.

Art watched you like you were his god, lips parted and cheeks flushed.

“You,” he whispered, the grip around your neck loosening. He slowly crawled over your body, the pressure of his weight against you making you shiver, soft after waves hitting you.

His lips captured yours quickly and messy, spreading gloss and drool along both your faces. After almost crawling into you, he softly pulled back, watching you. His hand reached out to push a few strands of hair from your face.

He dropped another kiss to your lips, this one soft and gentle. Something stirred inside your chest and you almost wanted to get up and flee.

“You’re going to ruin me,” Art whispered and you gasped softly.

“But I’d rather die of the ruin of you, then walk the earth starving every moment without your presence.”

[aquaholicsanonymousworld]

Second Shot | Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Stark!Reader

The old A gleamed under museum lights — polished steel, spotlights tracing every curve like it was some relic from a long-dead age. And maybe it was. The last piece of Stark Tower still standing, now encased behind glass like it was too sacred, too dangerous to touch.

The First Responders Ball was in full swing around you — Valentina’s idea of a PR move, all sharp suits and sparkling dresses, a carefully curated celebration of survival and sacrifice. You weren’t sure why you agreed to come. Maybe because it felt like penance. Maybe because deep down, some part of you hoped he would be here.

And he was.

Bucky Barnes stood just a few feet away, hands shoved into the pockets of his tailored suit, hair longer than you remembered but those eyes — stormy, guarded — exactly the same.

"You clean up alright, Barnes," you murmured as you stepped up beside him, pretending like your heart wasn’t about to rattle out of your chest.

His lips twitched, almost a smile. Almost. "So do you. Guess we both survived longer than expected."

You both looked up at the A, hanging heavy above the crowd. For a moment, neither of you said a word.

Then Bucky exhaled, voice low. "Didn’t think I’d see you here. Not after… y’know."

You glanced somberly at him, eyebrow raised. "After you disappeared on me? After you ended things like ripping off a Band-Aid? Yeah, well. Life goes on."

His jaw tightened. You could see it — the guilt flickering behind his eyes like an old film reel. "It wasn’t about you. It was— I couldn’t let you get caught up in my mess. People close to me get hurt. They always have."

You turned fully to face him now, stepping into his space like muscle memory. "Buck." Your voice softened, but every word landed like a strike. "I’m not fragile. I’m a Stark. We break, we rebuild, and we go again. Do you think I couldn’t handle the fallout? You should know better."

That finally made him look at you, really look — like he was seeing past the museum lights and the polished exterior and remembering every chaotic, passionate, reckless moment you two shared. Back when it was wild and raw and real.

"I was scared," he admitted, voice rough. "Scared of losing you. Scared of turning around and seeing you gone because of me."

Your chest ached, but you managed a smile anyway. "Maybe you should’ve let me decide if I was worth the risk."

The air stretched thin between you, electric and taut. Somewhere behind you, the ball carried on — Valentina smiling for cameras, champagne flowing — but here, in this bubble of old ghosts and half-healed scars, it was just the two of you.

Bucky’s fingers flexed at his side, like he wanted to reach for you but didn’t trust himself. "You think we should give this a second shot?" His voice dropped lower, almost a whisper. "After everything?"

You stepped closer, just enough that your shoulder brushed against his. "I think we owe it to ourselves to find out."

His breath hitched. "And if I screw it up again?"

You smirked, that Stark bravado kicking in like armor. "Then you’ll rebuild. Like the rest of us."

This time, when he smiled, it reached his eyes. Small. But real. "Yeah. Alright. Second shot."

The A above you caught the light just then — an old symbol, maybe, but tonight it felt like the start of something new. Or maybe something unfinished finally coming back around.

[filmpenance]

Marriage, Italian Style (1964)

Dir. Vittorio De Sica, 1h 42m [Film Penance 2025]

"How can he have a heart attack without a heart?" - Filumena

I really enjoyed Marriage Italian Style. It's a delightful comedy about the ups and downs in the twenty-year relationship between Filumena (Sophia Loren) and Domenico (Marcello Mastroianni).

Filumena and Domenico meet while she was working at a brothel. She's a poor woman trying to make ends meet and Domenico is a handsome man-about-town who is not your standard commitment-phobe. He's creative.

He knows that Filumena is in love with him, forever dangling a real relationship in front of her, but there's always a catch. She's excited that he finds an apartment for her, but learns he wants her to work in his shop for free. He then says they can live in his rich family's home, she just has to care for his aging mother, who thinks she's the maid.

She is smitten and puts up with Domenico's absurdities, but behind her affection and grievances, there are three secrets she has to divulge to Domenico...

Marriage, Italian Style is fun, well-paced, and lovely to watch. The tone reminded me of Moonstruck, with quotable moments and comic melodrama.

I appreciated the serious parts of it too. The film takes place during WW2 and the immediate aftermath, and takes great care to contextualize its romantic hijinks. The sex workers run past bombed-out streets, politicians hold rallies at the side of the frame, and occupying soldiers make demands, all while silliness is at the centre.

Recommended

Trailer: https://youtu.be/TgFec85heuU?si=RfqBkZjZduemJ0Ih

Pair with: Moonstruck, Mamma Mia, A Fish Called Wanda

[specialgradefckr]

The Strongest Feminist

tw: explicit content. satoru/reader. toxic frat boy cultures, misogyny, shitty behavior in general, non-consensual filming, stalking. satoru is a hilarious mixture of oblivious, in denial, insecure, and stupid fuckboy lmao.

Part Two of Fuckboy Gojo

fuckboy satoru gojo who doesn't know what to do.

sure, you talk to him all the time. you're "friends" - acquaintances, more like - but you don't really know each other.

not like how he knows you. knows what you look like naked, how cute your little pussy is (and that you wax. the asshole in the chat gloated about how he convinced you to do that before fucking you. said it was weird for a girl to have hair down there), how awful your taste in men is.

and also how cute you are when you laugh, how you have a surprising sense of humor and a passion for your major, for reading and writing and your face scrunches up when you concentrate just like it did when you cum -

okay. okay, okay, if he keeps thinking about that he's gonna go crazy. the point is, he knows you. he knows you real well.

but he's not sure you know him.

maybe you're too polite to ask. it's common knowledge the crowd he runs with, that he's a frat boy and all around man whore.

you never seemed to look at him different afterwards. even though you dated (fucked) one, yourself, and that guy treated you like shit and oh god do you think he's like that? you don't think satoru would treat you like that, right?

that's not the reason you haven't asked him out yet, or flirted with him. you don't think he's like that asshole, right???

you don't know anything about the group chat or their score cards (virgins worth ten points. god, it was gross, actually, wasn't it?) or the stuff satoru used to do with dumb girls who thought he actually liked them-

but he wouldn't do that to you! no way! you're sweet and friendly and you look at him with this sparkle in your eyes and everything! you don't deserve to be treated like that!

satoru gojo who finds himself hoping you haven't heard anything about him. who slips in mentions in conversation that there's lots of rumors out there about him - lots of jealous people of both genders. he gets a lot of attention, you see.

you don't tell him what you've heard, but you seem to take his words at face value. smiling, reassuring him, telling him he's been nothing but kind to you -

(he still jerks off to that video of you. every night now. sometimes twice a day.)

-and that's good, but it's not enough.

something must be stopping you from seeing him as an option. even though he's complained to you once or twice about being single.

he knows you're single. asked around - people will tell him anything and everything. it's gross, actually. he hates gossip. people have always talked about him, and now, it's getting in the way of his relationship with you.

he's getting more and more disgusted by the shit they say, they used to do, in that chat. in that friend group.

he doesn't want to stay, but what if they upload anything else about you? what about what they've done already?

satoru gojo who becomes a women's studies major - that's how disgusted he is. how removed he is from his previous attitudes.

he's not like how he was before. he's not like them. he cares, now. about women, about you.

it's like penance, in a way. his good deeds, making up for all the times he wronged those other girls. he reads about feminist literature, about emotional labor and mental loads and even sexual stereotypes.

man. women have it tough. it makes him feel bad, sends a churning in his gut, that you have to deal with stuff like this - being paid less, taken less seriously, always having to do more work in the relationship than their male counterparts.

if he were with you he'd never let it be like that. satoru would treat you like a queen, a goddess. someone to be worshipped and revered and adored.

because you are adorable. and sweet, and funny, and charming and beautiful and every other word for something good.

best thing that's ever happened to him, really.

he gets your number, at least - he's taking some classes from your major, too. it's hard to help being interested in it when he hears you talk about it, the interest and enthusiasm lighting up your face when he asks you the right questions.

god, he could hear you talk forever. you're so cute when you're being all smart and nerdy and stuff.

maybe it makes sense that he can't stop jerking off to the video of you.

well, he remembers from his classes that it's not supposed to be a woman's fault when men find her attractive. but! maybe it's not his fault either!

it's just like a... pre-game. you're going to start dating eventually, and you'd be flattered for him to jerk off to you afterwards. he's just fudging the dates a little.

see? he was paying attention!

he always pays attention when it has to do with you. it's a wonder you haven't noticed yet. he sends you good morning texts, talks to you about classwork, your hobbies and stuff.

maybe you'd even call him a friend. but friend isn't what he wants to be.

not that it's a bad thing! he's not complaining about the friendzone or anything!

but no one in their entire life has ever asked to be just his friend. even suguru bowed out of it later. plus, he's seen your pussy (not that you knew about that).

anyways, he has to find some way to get... closer. to get you to want to date him.

to be honest it's weird that you haven't even flirted with him or anything. but satoru can't blame you. maybe you're shy!

or maybe, he thinks, recalling the group chat... maybe you've just been burned already.

a part of him (which has has dubbed his "inner feminist") rankles in unbridled fury at the thought. you don't deserve that. you didn't deserve any of that.

and he didn't deserve to suffer for it, either. he would never! not to you, anyways.

but he's got to find something. some way to ingratiate himself to you. to get closer. he can't just come out and say it - that would be weird!

and... and what if you say no?

of course you want him. everyone wants him. even when his own parents stopped wanting him around, they still wanted him to do shit for them. get the degree, help run the business, all sorts of shit.

he's rich, handsome, and he has so much to offer. it's not a question of if you want him. he's sure you do - but maybe... maybe you'd reject him because you're afraid of being hurt again.

that makes sense. that's why he's afraid. he's afraid, you're afraid - but the love is there! he knows it! you could be so happy together!

there must be some way to prove that he's not like that guy, he's different. the women's studies thing, they're nice, but they don't make him fuckable. they don't make you see him.

not that he was doing it just to get your attention! he was doing it because he's a feminist, now!

that's why he stays in the group chat. if that guy uploads another video of you, if he has another video (he swore he didn't, but bitches like him will say anything under pressure), satoru has to know about it.

so he can tell you. yeah. to warn you.

yeah... he'll warn you.

there's a new video in the group chat.

it's obviously you in the thumbnail. a candid recording. he only sees you in the first few seconds before he pauses it, heart racing out of his chest.

fuck. fuck, no. can he - can he really do this?

this is awful. vile. sure, he watched the first video they sent about you but he didn't know you then.

didn't know how nice your smile was. didn't know you'd show it to him if only he looked your way. didn't realize how good it would feel just to be near you.

now, he wants to protect you. get close to you. treat you right, give you the things that asshole was too much of a loser to give you.

he - he's different from those guys. he IS. he cares about you.

the video is already uploaded. he can't stop now. it's there, in the group chat, where anyone can see it.

he can't back out now. he has to go through with this.

satoru gojo presses play.

the video... it's not sexy.

it's candid, sure. it's obvious you can't tell you're being filmed. but then he catches the surroundings.

this is inside your house. the video is being taken inside your house.

he sees you pick up a scarf - a gift he'd slipped you, covertly, just a few days ago.

and then.

the camera moves.

it shifts in a way that makes it obvious it's being held. there's a soft breathing sound in the background.

the video goes on for a few minutes until it cuts to black.

of course, your little ex boyfriend (ex situationship? piece of fucking shit lying little bitch) denies having taken it.

oh, he runs his mouth. says he's been trying to get you off his back for weeks, why would he follow you around? you're the one who was texting and calling and pining for him like a lost puppy.

(his fists hurt from clenching so hard.)

piece of shit. how the fuck would he know that you were pining for him if he really wasn't paying attention? satoru has to do all this fucking shit to win your trust just because somebody broke your heart!

he says he wouldn't date you if he was paid, much less stalk your loser ass.

(like he'd be that lucky. maybe that's why the loser didn't date you, because he knew he could never keep a girl like you by his side.)

it's not convincing. it's not convincing at all. satoru presses him, reminds him that no one would believe that bullshit after what he's done -

and then the fucking loser reminds him - who knows?

nobody. nobody outside the group chat does. no one's going to report them. they can't, not without being implicated.

you never even knew you were being filmed the first time (your first time), and how could you have?

your first time. you didn't even get off. he ditched you, didn't pick up your calls, answer your texts.

(blood pools underneath his fingernails.)

satoru had let that happen to you. jerked off to it. and now there's a video of you in your own home. a stalker.

he... he has to tell you, doesn't he?

this is too much. too violating. too dangerous. he has to confess.

he can't let this go on any more.

but something jumps in his chest. there's no way to tell you about these videos without showing you, without you asking how he has it.

you'll want to know who sent it. you'll want to read the chat history. it's a group chat, he can't doctor it or adjust it.

he can't make up some other excuse for how he knows about this, because you need to know the real reason this was sent, to find the real culprit.

showing you the video without having any kind of explanation would just terrify you. it would be cruel.

but if you find out about this, about what he's done -

what will you do? will you ever look at him the same?

will you ever look at him again at all?

his mind races. plans. excuses. diversions. the group chat, the people in it. in your room. filming you.

you. you you you you you, you who are both everything and nothing to him. an acquaintance at best. he hasn't even asked you out yet.

you, who live rent-free in his head and make his whole heart ache.

you, writhing on that stupid fucking loser's cock, so close and he wouldn't even put in the effort to put you over the edge -

satoru knows what he has to do.

but what is he really willing to risk?

[velvetseahorse]

𓁺 Jyestha and the eyepatch 𓁺

1.Christina Lindberg as Frigga in Thriller: A Cruel Picture -Jyestha☉

2. Caleb Landry Jones as Birdwell in War on Everyone - Jyestha ☉

1. FKA Twigs in Mary Magdalene music video - Jyestha ☽ ↑

2. Daryl Hannah as Elle driver in Kill Bill Vol.1 - Jyestha ☉

Jyestha deity, Indra, is also referred to as “the thousand-eyed,” a title FKA Twigs shares with her song of the same name. According to Vedic legend, the sage cursed Indra to have 1,000 vaginas, but after performing rigorous penance, Indra transformed them into 1,000 eyes.

The eyepatch can symbolize Power & Intimidation and Loss & Survival, representing someone who has endured hardship but survived, becoming a symbol of resilience. This connects with FKA Twigs’ Mary Magdalene, where she reimagines Mary Magdalene as a figure of strength, resilience, and complex femininity, exploring themes of love, resilience, and self-discovery. The eyepatch also relates to the music video for Mary Magdalene and the film Thriller: A Cruel Picture, where a girl seeks revenge on her rapist, earning the nickname “one eye.” Additionally, the eyepatch symbolizes Mystery & Enigma, creating an air of secrecy or hidden knowledge, which ties into the themes of Jyestha nakshatra, known for its depth and sense of mystery.

[divaofmads]

A Love Meant To Burn

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader (Oc)

Chapter I , Chapter II

Chapter III: Your Name Was the Enemy

Chapter Summary: She knew exactly what she was doing. He was already broken the moment she looked back. Now, their story isn't about right or wrong. It’s about how far they’ll go when love feels like ruin.

Warnings: Angst, +18, Emotional trauma and guilt, Suicidal thoughts and themes of death, Complex and challenging relationship dynamics, English is not my first language so excuse my mistakes. **I write purely as a hobby, not as a professional**

Word Count: 10k

Dividers by @saradika-graphics

A/N: This one took a piece of me to write. it’s the kind of chapter where you know the characters are making choices they might never recover from, and you just sit there — helpless — watching it all unfold.

This isn’t just about love. it’s about the kind of love that hurts. the kind that demands you to choose between your heart and your sanity. between what you want, and what you can live with.

When the day revealed itself through the pale light slipping into the mouth of the cave, you were still asleep. Your cheek rested against Joel’s chest, your breath gently touching his skin — warm, patient, and innocent. One of Joel’s arms held you close, while the other rested on your shoulder; his fingertips moved slightly, not gripping you tightly but carrying a sense of possession that made it clear he wouldn’t let go. Your breath was like a soft echo rising and falling on his chest; each exhale a form of penance for him, a reminder.

He wanted to watch the peace spreading across your face when you woke up and realized you were still beside him — but it wasn’t time. Not yet. He hadn’t told you. Not yet… he hadn’t stolen you from yourself.

Joel’s head was leaned back against the damp stone wall of the cave. After a sleepless night, his eyes were bloodshot, but his mind was wide awake. The body that bore the marks of war seemed a little lighter in his arms. But the weight in his heart… that had become a burden harder and harder to carry. When his fingers tucked a strand of your hair behind your ear, what passed through him wasn’t just love; it was also fear. Guilt.

Jackson was close now. Beyond the jagged cliffs lay that small, protected town — full of truths. Names. Faces. Answers. And Joel knew he wouldn’t be able to look into your eyes there. Because that town carried the truth that would tear you from him: that the man holding you so tenderly right now was the one who had killed your father.

But this morning… these few hours… you were still in his arms. He could still feel the soft rise and fall of your chest beneath his heart. And when he gently pulled the blanket over both of you, it wasn’t just to keep you warm — it was to make you a little more unforgettable. As though he wanted to protect you from more than just the cold of the cave. Wrapping his arms around your body, he rested his head in your hair for a moment. He closed his eyes. He wanted the moment to last forever. But time had never been kind to Joel Miller.

When he opened his eyes again, the first chill of morning brushed across his face. You exhaled softly and stirred a little. Your body still leaned into his, but you were waking up.

Joel saw your eyelids flutter, and he reached out to caress your cheek. His fingers glided gently from the curve of your cheek to just under your chin. Then his voice came, soft as a whisper.

“Hey... time to wake up, darlin’.”

In the way he said it, there was a kind of refuge. A way to say he loved you without saying the words. When your waking eyes met his, he saw the sleepy smile spreading across your face. Not the gaze of a stranger, but the look of a woman who trusted him.

And in that moment, Joel’s heart ached just a little more.

Because he didn’t know how he’d look into those eyes soon.

By the time night fell, snow had begun to fall slowly. The sky had closed over them like a gray blanket; the wind had turned into a whisper humming in their ears. But this night was different from the others. Joel stopped the horse to tend to your bleeding wounds. But…

You saw it as he searched through the inside of the backpack. His fingers reached for things that were no longer there: a roll of bandages, sterile gauze, a single dose of antibiotic capsules… all used up when Joel had refreshed the dressings on your wounds. The last bottle of alcohol had been used yesterday to clean the gash on yout knee.

There was nothing left.

No painkillers, no antiseptics.

Only a few dirty bandages, a half-dried spool of suture thread, and a broken pair of scissors.

Joel’s gaze drifted down to the worn-out pack beneath his hand. Then he quietly bowed his head. He knew it too. The truth lived in the silence. This was the phase of wounds that no longer healed.

The injury on your shoulder… that had been the beginning. Every minute a wound remained uncleansed, time turned into the enemy. And the enemy in your shoulder had already started creeping beneath the skin.

The edges of the wound had begun to bruise. Your skin was hot to the touch, but hard like stone. Every contact with that area triggered your body’s defense systems, setting your nerve endings on fire. The infection was spreading from within, beginning to take hold of your entire system.

You tried not to show Joel. You staggered as you stood but fixed a determined expression on your face. “We have to keep moving,” you said, as if nothing had happened.

But you hesitated for a moment as you took a step.

Joel noticed. He took a step toward you, wanting to reach for your shoulder, but you pulled away.

“I’m fine,” you said again. Like a wounded animal… and took another step.

Joel stopped. He knew. He had seen that look in the last days of Tess. The ones who tried the hardest to hide their pain were often the ones suffering the most.

But with you, it was different. You weren’t carrying pain — you were carrying vengeance. Your wound was burning not just your flesh, but your soul. And you were someone too strong — or perhaps too broken — to let the man beside you carry you.

The rhythmic sound of the horse’s hooves striking snow-covered stones rose through the silence like a kind of music. The pale light of the sun seeped gently from the mountain slopes, and the droplets sparkling on the frozen branches along the path looked like crystals hanging from the sky. The air was still sharp, still cold… but the wind blowing inside you now belonged to an entirely different climate.

You were in front of Joel, seated in his lap. Nestled between his knees, your back leaned against his chest. Your hands were wrapped around his; your fingers locked together tightly, as if they had known each other across the passage of time. Your body had surrendered to his warmth. And so had your heart. There was a promise now, in the way his arm wrapped around you.

“You’re quiet,” you said, resting your head back toward his shoulder. Your eyes weren’t focused on the horizon — they were focused on him. “You’re thinking.”

Joel’s throat was dry. With the horse’s slow but steady steps, his thoughts were moving too. Each step brought you both closer to Jackson; each vibration pushed him further toward the truth… the truth he had to tell you but still couldn’t bring himself to.

“I always think,” he said, voice low and husky. “But someone like you... you drown out a man’s thoughts.”

You smiled. Without hesitation. No matter how much pain you had endured, the bond between you and this man had begun to outshine the past.

“What did you think when you found me?” you asked in a whisper. “Honestly.”

The muscles in Joel’s jaw tightened. When the horse flinched slightly, he tightened the reins, but the real jolt had been inside his chest.

“I wondered... who you were. Why you were alone. Why you were so close to death.”

“And still, you saved me,” you said, resting your head on his chest. “I’m glad you did.”

Silence hung for a few heartbeats. Joel swallowed the words rising to his lips. *I killed your father.* The words hovered on the edge of his mouth, so close they nearly slipped free. But then you turned slightly toward him on the horse, your face glowing with affection.

“When I look at you, my pain quiets,” you said. “Everything inside me goes still. Only you remain.”

In that moment, Joel felt like someone crushed beneath his own weapon in battle. Defeated. Defenseless. And ashamed.

He brought his face close to your neck, breathed you in deeply. “I’m not the man you think I am, darlin’. I might… let you down.”

“Have you?” you asked, turning slightly. Your eyes were serious, but carried hope too. “Have you abandoned me? Hurt me? Loved me with lies?”

Joel wanted to look away, but couldn’t. Because your eyes were locked onto his. Only a few inches separated your lips, and your breath scorched his skin.

“It’s not possible to love you with lies,” he said at last. “Because loving you... is already the purest kind of truth.”

As the horse continued on its path, you laid your head against his chest again. Your eyes had welled with tears, but the smile on your lips remained. This journey was nothing like the one you’d first started. You weren’t just leaning on Joel anymore — you had surrendered to him. Without fear. Without question.

But Joel’s eyes were now fixed on something else in the winding bend of the distant valley. As Jackson drew near, the past cast its shadow again.

And in that shadow, something as sharp as love was waiting: the truth.

As the cold seeped through the forest like a thin mist, you continued your journey. With each trot of the horse pressing into the snow-mixed earth, the rising shadows of the mountains whispered that Jackson was near. But in that silence, it wasn’t just the sound of hooves that filled the air—there was something else between you: pain.

The wound on your shoulder was the only thing that truly kept you awake. Beneath the bandage, it throbbed relentlessly, each breath sending a knife-like jolt through your flesh. But you didn’t make a sound. You clenched your teeth. You didn’t want anything to cast a shadow over the bond growing stronger each day between you and Joel… the trust… the love.

But Joel Miller was a careful man. He knew that in silence, even body language could be a scream. And your scream was the trembling in your shoulder. No matter how hard you tried to sit upright on the horse, he had noticed every time you shifted your weight away from your right side, every moment you secretly rubbed your shoulder, every sharp breath you held back.

Suddenly, he stopped his horse. You instinctively pulled away.

“We need to stop,” he said. His voice was firm, but there were cracks in it—he could hear your pain.

You lowered your head, clenched your jaw. “No… no, please. We can keep going. Jackson isn’t far.”

Joel looked at you. His gaze was soft but stern—there was the expression of a man on the verge of breaking, holding himself back just to protect you.

“I see you,” he said. “You’re in pain with every step. Your shoulder’s in bad shape, the bandage is soaked through, there’s blood.”

You averted your eyes. “I can push through a little longer… How much farther could it be? Five, six hours? Maybe seven. Joel, please. If we stop now, we’ll have to spend the night in the mountains. We can’t afford to slow down any more.”

Joel’s face hardened. “We have to stop. Your health—”

“No!” you interrupted, the only word that came out loud. “You don’t know how much pain I can take. This wound is not more important than getting there. We need to warn them about the threat in Northpoint. You’ve already been delayed enough because of me. You can’t wait any longer. We have to make it. Both of us.”

Your words hung in the air. Joel locked his eyes on yours. The silence lasted long. Then he clenched his jaw, turned his head, and urged his horse forward.

“Alright,” he said, simply. His tone was hurt, but resigned. “But if we have to stop… this time, it’ll be my call.”

You nodded, burying the whirlwind of emotions inside you. You hoped this small victory over the man you loved would be enough to silence the ache. Joel pressed on, wrapped in silence, but his eyes kept drifting toward you.

If something happened to you… if you didn’t make it to Jackson together… it wouldn’t just be your anger he’d have to face.

And you, you had placed the invisible bond between you — the passion, the unfinished sentences, the traces of every touch — above everything else. Despite the pain, you kept riding, as if what you were fleeing wasn’t just the wound.

As the rhythmic steps of the horse echoed beneath you, the cold air surrounding you pressed down harder, like leaden clouds hanging low in the sky. Snow had started falling again during the night, and now it had seeped into the veins of the forest as a fine layer. But to you, the cold was not just a matter of weather — it was the echo of a threat rising from within your own body.

The wound on your shoulder was no longer just a source of pain, but a warning. At first, it had only throbbed — like the first sparks of infection, as your tissues battled the heat beneath your skin. But now, that throbbing had turned into a tremor spreading toward your internal organs. Your muscles were stiffening, your movements growing more mechanical by the hour.

You were aware of these symptoms. And you paid attention to every move to make sure Joel didn’t notice. You held your shoulder a little straighter, pinned your trembling hand to your thigh. Your breathing had quickened, but you released it slowly through your lips, as if it were only from exhaustion. But inside, you were burning.

Sweat traced from your scalp to the lines on your forehead. But this wasn’t from the cold — it was from the fire within. Your body was overflowing with white blood cells fighting off the infection, your immune system waging a war that was draining every ounce of your energy.

Your head began to spin. The images around you blurred in and out, the trunks of trees overlapping one another. Joel was behind you, always watching, always giving you space. You straightened up, not wanting him to notice your condition. Rubbed your eyes. Bit your lip. Your pupils had dilated — another sign of the fever.

You clung to the only weapon left in your mind: your will. You wouldn’t be a burden to Stranger. You’d already been enough of one. You had to tell them about the new infected type, and fast. And of course, there was also revenge.

JM. Two letters circling in your mind. And your father’s revenge. Joel Miller was in Jackson, and he was waiting for you to kill him without mercy.

You swallowed. It was a hard swallow, like a stone sinking down your throat. “I’m fine,” you told yourself. “Just a few more hours. Hold on.”

But Joel’s glances toward you were lasting longer now. He sensed something was wrong. Maybe he was waiting for you to realize it yourself. Maybe he was searching for a way to stop you before you even knew you needed to stop.

You pressed your knees tighter to the sides of the saddle to keep your balance. But this time, the nausea hit. The infection was reaching your core, your internal organs. Your heart beat faster, your lungs struggled to expand. Still, not a single groan escaped your lips. You swallowed. Blinked. And kept going.

Jackson had risen just beyond the final bend — molded by winter’s hands, covered in snow, silent and solid. Its walls, built by human labor, were as real as hope itself. As the radio towers stretched into the sky in the background, for the first time in a long time, arriving somewhere felt like a true “arrival.”

But for you, this was more than just an arrival. It was a reckoning.

The wound beneath your shoulder wasn’t just a cut — it was a silent prophecy reminding you of your father’s bloody end. As your body rotted, your soul marched toward one goal: find Joel Miller, confront him... and maybe even kill him.

Hiding the pain wasn’t easy, but for someone with a purpose, it became possible. Because revenge was more resilient than the immune system.

At the foot of Jackson, as you turned that final bend, your vision blurred. Snow poured before your eyes like rain. The white glare erased the boundary between your mind and reality. The only sound echoing in your ears was that of a figure calling from far away.

“Y/N?”

Joel’s voice came from a distance. Muffled, restrained, but worried. Yet you didn’t hear him.

You had already slipped into the past. Hallucinations often appeared in the final stages of such severe infections. The mind, rather than protecting reality, clung to memory. To your father... your final goodbye... and the name Joel Miller.

Your lips were dry, but parted involuntarily. The first syllable was bare and fragile: “Joel…”

Joel Miller. Your enemy. Your lover. Your killer.

In your mind, he stood there. With the gun pointed at your father, on that dark night, where it had all begun. And now, you had found him. Right at Jackson’s gates, just a second before your knees gave out. But this Joel wasn’t real. Just a ghost made of cortisol, inside your head.

“Dad…” your voice trembled. Raspy. “He… you…”

Joel pulled the reins, and the horse stopped abruptly.

“Y/N?”

He leaned forward, panic in his voice.

“Hey, look at me. What are you saying? What… what’s happening?”

Your eyes were already full. Your pupils had dilated, your body entering hyperthermic shock. Joel’s voice was fading. But to you, his face was clear. Even if it was a hallucination, his eyes were the same as the night he killed your father. And now he was in front of you. With your breath trembling, you whispered one last word before letting go:

“Joel… Miller…”

Joel’s eyes went wide. He dropped the reins and reached to catch you.

“Y/N! No, no… Damn it, NO! Sweetheart, look at me!”

As his hand touched your shoulder, your body began to slide from the horse.

And in that moment, the whole world went dark.

The last thing you heard was your name — called out in the voice of the man you loved, trusted, but were meant to hate:

“Y/N!”

A scream from the darkness startles you. Just one step ahead, you see your father collapsed to his knees—blood seeping from his chest, dripping onto the snow, turning into a dark red stain as it freezes. His face is pale, his breath ragged; his eyes turned to you in fear. Behind you, the silhouette of Redhill burns, like a city swallowed beyond the flames.

“Stop! Please!” you scream. Your voice echoes, but it’s as if no one hears it, swallowed by the apocalypse. Your foot won’t move forward, as if the ground is holding you, like a swamp… Every step delayed. Every breath feels like broken glass in your lungs.

That’s when you see the shadow for the first time.

A figure emerges from the mist. No face, no clear form. Only a shadow, only a silhouette… A gun in its hand, standing right in front of your father. Time feels frozen. You try to run toward the figure, pleading with a voice that cracks from your throat:

“Don’t! Please… What did this man ever do to you?!”

But there’s no answer.

You look at your father’s face. He looks like he just wants to see you one last time. His lips move:

“Run… sweetheart…”

Then the gunshot.

It’s like a bomb goes off inside your head. Your father’s body falling back happens in slow motion. Your legs give out beneath you. You collapse to your knees. Your breath shortens. Only one sound echoes in your ears: the shot, and then your father’s lifeless body.

Then you look again at the silhouette.

It begins to sharpen… The lines become clear… The eyes, the mouth, the hands… And suddenly, that name you’ve kept buried in your mind for years takes the shape of a face.

It’s Joel Miller.

But what shatters you more is that you *know* him.

The man you fell in love with. The one who saved you, held you, looked into your eyes and said, “I won’t let anything happen to you.” His eyes are on you now, his face filled with pain. As if his heart is breaking, too.

“You…” you whisper. “You…”

And then that world starts to collapse.

The ground cracks, the sky darkens. Everything pulls downward, and you’re falling with it… Falling… Falling. And then—

Your eyelids felt like lead. It was as if you were slowly rising to the surface from a dark and formless void, one you couldn’t remember falling into. Like someone approaching the light… but the light here, in the real world, burned like a sharp dagger. You wanted to open your eyes—but couldn’t at first. The world beneath your eyelids throbbed with pain.

There was a high-pitched ringing in your head. Your ears were buzzing. Time and space felt distorted, your skull echoed like an empty tin can. You shifted slightly. Your whole body ached from head to toe. Especially your right leg—that place... it felt like it was on fire. But you were still alive. The pain, unbearable yet real, was proof of that.

You let out a soft breath. The sheets beneath you smelled unfamiliar. The dry, heavy scent of harsh soap, ash, and old wood fibers... You had definitely never been here before. Everything was unfamiliar.

That was when a voice echoed nearby. A young girl’s voice. Its tone was cautious, but laced with a faint kindness, like she’d been waiting patiently for you to wake without scaring you.

“Hey… looks like you’re finally waking up.”

At first, it sounded far away. Like you were hearing it underwater. When you strained your eyes open a little more, your vision was blurry. In the doorway, backlit by soft light, you could make out the silhouette of a young girl in a pale, long-sleeved shirt, with pony tailed hair. Your eyes blinked a few times, and the world slowly came into focus. She stepped closer, and when you tried to sit up, stumbling slightly, she raised her hand gently to stop you.

“Easy, take it slow. You’re still really weak,” she said. “You’ve been asleep for two days. Maria and I took care of you. Well... as best we could.”

Her voice was unfamiliar, yet it carried a strange kind of balance—calm, cautious, but trustworthy. Her movements were controlled, like she knew she was in a room with someone unpredictable, but still had the courage to offer that person a glass of water.

“Where… am I?” you asked, your voice cracked, hoarse and raspy. Your throat was parched, your tongue glued to the roof of your mouth.

The girl turned her head slightly, not looking away but also avoiding the question directly:

“We’re in Jackson. North of Wyoming, small settlement… pretty safe, all things considered.”

Jackson. That name rang a distant bell. Maybe from the crackling voice over the radio at the power plant, or Tommy’s echoing shout… or maybe from even further back. But your mind still felt clogged, like it was filled with mud. Nothing would stay in your grasp.

“Who… who are you?” you asked, lifting your head slightly from the pillow.

“Ellie,” she said plainly. “But don’t worry about that now. You need to rest.”

She had said her name—Ellie—but you noticed something else: she hadn’t mentioned the man who brought you here. The one who made it possible for you to stay, who had rescued you or carried you into this room. It was like she was hiding something—or had been told not to say. And yet, that voice… that voice still echoed in your ears. That deep and husky tone that had told you, as you trembled on horseback, “Don’t you give up.”

Ellie picked up a cracked-glass pitcher from the small nightstand. She filled a glass with water, its surface flecked with bits of dust. She held it out to you. Your fingers struggled to reach. You wanted the water, but you also wanted to grasp the truth behind everything.

She helped you, gently supporting your back and bringing the glass to your lips. Even the water burned as it passed down your throat. But at least you were drinking. You were alive.

As Ellie placed the glass back down, your eyes wandered around the room. Dark wooden walls. A few faded drawings hanging. Books lined up on a shelf. A guitar leaning in the corner—there was no dust on it—it had been played recently. An old curtain on the window, a faded denim jacket hanging on a nail. And the smell of the bed… you knew that smell. Somewhere deep inside, your skin remembered it.

But still… you couldn’t name it yet.

Everything was still watching you like a shadow.

Sitting up in bed felt like trying to pull a bullet fragment lodged deep inside your body. Every muscle, every fiber, every breath burned like an open wound. Your chest was tight, a dull pressure in your abdomen. Your left arm had gone numb, and the throbbing in your right leg could still be felt beneath the bandages.

As you struggled to sit up, Ellie instinctively moved forward, placing a gentle hand on your shoulder, careful to make her touch guiding, not forceful.

“Hey… slow down. Your stitches are still fresh. It’s gonna hurt if you move too much,” she said, eyes serious, her voice a warning.

You pressed your fingertips against the sheet, gritting your teeth as you pulled yourself up. Your head spun, your vision briefly darkened, but you gathered your will. By the time your back rested against the pillow, you were breathless. Heat trickled down the back of your neck, mingling with the sweat at your hairline.

Your eyes turned to Ellie. Questioning, cautious, maybe even a little… suspicious.

“He brought me here… didn’t he?” Your voice was hoarse and cracked, your throat still dry, but the words came out clear.

Ellie averted her gaze for a second. She fidgeted with the sleeve of her jacket. That small, almost invisible hesitation told you a lot. The girl was careful. Every word she spoke was weighed in her mind before it left her mouth.

“Which ‘he’?” she asked, her voice casual, but tension simmered underneath. She didn’t lean toward you or move from her spot. Not defensive, more like she was giving you space.

“The man I ran into… out there,” you said. “The stranger.” You didn’t look away. “The one who lifted me onto the horse… and saved me.”

Ellie frowned. The corner of her mouth twitched slightly, then she turned her eyes to the window. A cold-lit morning lay outside; heavy clouds, wind gently stirring the curtains.

“He’s in a meeting,” she finally said. There was no mistaking the certainty in her voice. “About the new infected types. They’re discussing the signals from Northpoint.”

Your heart suddenly started to beat faster. Northpoint.

That place… hazy, silent, full of death. Its walls cracked, machines broken. The hum that echoed through the quiet. Your desperate attempts to repair that cursed network to send a signal to Jackson. And then… your call for help. And his arrival.

“In a meeting, huh,” you said quietly.

Ellie nodded, turning her eyes back to you.

“I looked into Northpoint. Everyone’s talking about it. They said the systems were dead, but you got some of them working again. You established communication… even if briefly. That’s something most people here couldn’t manage right now.”

She paused. There was a strange expression on her face—somewhere between admiration and cautious distance. “Fixing things like that. Surviving that long. Alone. Even Maria was impressed.”

You were still listening, but something else echoed in your mind. A background noise behind her words, like the static of a broken recording bleeding into your thoughts.

Joel.

His name still hadn’t passed from Ellie’s lips. But an image suddenly formed in your mind. About six months ago. You’d just set out. Winter hadn’t fully set in, but the nights were already freezing. While traveling a rocky path, you’d stumbled across an abandoned gas station. You’d found a rusted map. Thick and faded. Marked with hand-written notes—arrows, lines, scribbles.

A name was written there. You still remembered. “Joel & Ellie.”

You still carried that map. It had been soaked in rain, the edges frayed, but you never threw it away. Back then, the names had seemed ordinary. But now…

Your heart skipped a beat. Your eyes turned back to Ellie. Your lips parted slightly, but no words came out. You felt something crack open in your chest. Deep and sharp suspicion.

Every detail in the room—the guitar on the wall, the bookshelves, the scent in the air, even Ellie’s voice… there was an answer hidden in all of it. But you couldn’t name it. Not yet.

Ellie noticed your gaze but said nothing. Instead, she refilled your glass from the pitcher. The glass had a crack, but her hand didn’t tremble.

“Keep drinking,” she said. “You need to rest.”

But you were no longer focused on the glass. You were locked in your memories. And something in your chest was slowly beginning to awaken.

The room fell silent once more. Only the sound of the distant wind brushing against the windows scratched at your insides like a cold thorn. As Ellie set the pitcher back down, you were still silent. She tilted her head slightly, glancing at you out of the corner of her eye. Then she shoved her hands into the pockets of her pants.

She was just about to leave the room when your voice held her back.

“What was your name?”

Ellie stopped. Every muscle in her body tensed, as if frozen mid-motion. You could see from the movement in her shoulders that she was preparing an answer. Slowly, she turned to look at you, her eyes a deep brown and her expression cautious.

“Ellie.”

You only nodded. But she looked directly into your eyes. For too long. There was something in it. Not absentmindedness—scrutiny.

Ellie narrowed her gaze.

“That’s the second time i’ve told you that. Why?” she asked. Her voice sounded soft, but the tension in her tone was obvious. “I mean… have we met before? Or…” Her eyes squinted for a moment. “Are you from FEDRA?”

Your face remained expressionless. No confirmation, no lie. Just that empty, yet meaning-laden stare. Ellie’s pupils shifted with unease as she received no answer. It was clear she now felt like a threat hovered just under her nose.

She quickly dropped her hands to her sides, then took a step back. It was obvious she was trying to change the subject.

“I mean… you’re probably hungry,” she said quickly. “You haven’t eaten in two days. I’ll… I’ll make you a sandwich. Just wait here, okay?”

Still, you said nothing. Ellie was clearly unnerved by your silence. As she turned and hurried out of the room, she seemed almost swept away like a gust of wind behind her. The door clicked shut. Her footsteps faded down the stairs.

At that moment, alone in the room, the silence was no longer just emptiness—it was weight. Even the cobwebs in the corners of the ceiling looked menacing. The wind slipped in through a cracked corner of the glass, lifting the edge of the curtain slightly.

This place... this was someone else's life. Not yours. And slowly, a cold suspicion began to crawl through your veins. Your breath quickened. You looked at the pillow, the blanket, the bookshelf on the wall. All of it… had a masculine order to it. Clean, but slightly messy. Old books on the shelves, a broken guitar string, a charm made of dried pine branches. Flannel shirts hung behind the door. Most of them were large. One had a loose thread dangling from a missing button on the collar.

Ellie’s face replayed in your mind. Her tension, her panicked exit. The sandwich excuse—it was almost childlike. And once you realized that, you couldn’t stay seated any longer. No matter how tired, how broken, how wounded you were...

...you had to get up.

You pushed off the blanket with your hands. Your skin prickled. When your toes touched the cold floor, it felt like stepping onto a frozen river. Your breath was uneven. You clenched your teeth. As you rose, the stitches in your chest throbbed, but you didn’t care. You would endure.

As Ellie’s footsteps faded away, the silence inside deepened. You were alone now.

But this solitude wasn’t peaceful. Like a growing ache in your chest, a feeling inside you wouldn’t settle: You were in the wrong place. And looking for the right person.

You glanced around once more. The blanket still lay tangled around your knees. With the sting of the stitches on your body, you pushed yourself upright from the bed. For a few seconds, your balance faltered, but you managed to stand by pressing your hands against the edge of the mattress. Your head throbbed, your vision still blurry. But your mind—your mind was clear.

The watch.

You remembered suddenly.

The one thing keeping every ounce of anger and every trace of vengeance alive in your veins.

The watch found next to your father’s body.

With the killer’s initials carved into its back—your most tangible memory that even time couldn’t erase. Without it... you might forget why you were fighting.

Panic set in as you turned your head. You looked under the bed—nothing. You reached into the small drawer of the bedside table. Empty. You slammed it shut.

Your bag. Where was your bag?

After a quick scan, your eyes landed on the torn backpack resting on the chair in the corner of the room. You moved toward it with hurried steps—despite the pain of your wounds. Your hands trembled as you unzipped it. You looked inside.

Maps... an unfinished notebook... a few bandages... but...

No watch.

A wave of cold fear washed over you. You hadn’t left it behind. You always kept it in the innermost pocket.

It couldn’t have been stolen.

Maybe...

No.

Then your eyes caught the drawer of the small desk in the corner. It sat half-open beside the chair. You moved toward it. Your legs trembled, but you didn’t stop.

When you opened the drawer, the first things you saw were a few crumpled papers. Notes. Scattered scribbles. Faded words. But beneath them was a stack of paper that caught your attention. Lines written in shaky handwriting had been pressed into the pages. As your eyes began to grasp the words, something inside you shifted. Your pulse quickened. You carefully flattened the paper with your hand.

These... these were song lyrics.

But not like the kind you’d seen before. They weren’t random.

As if between the sentences... you found yourself.

“I saved a woman—maybe

she was already lost when I did.

She asked me for direction,

but the path... the path was me.

Her eyes left, but my heart stayed with her.

And now whenever the night comes...

I’m bleeding in a dream shaped by her voice.

But you know me now.

So... say something.”

Your knees nearly gave out at the first line.

Your eyes were locked on the paper. You turned to the next page.

“There’s a place in my nights—

filled only with the sound of that woman’s voice.

Even when she pointed her gun at me,

there was warmth in her hands.

Loneliness,

sometimes fades with the breath of a stranger.

I saved you.

But really, you killed me.”

The song wasn’t finished.

Some sentences were cut short. Letters scratched out. Notes written over them.

“Will tomorrow birth revenge from this night, or a bond built upon regret?”

Your throat tightened.

The air in the entire room seemed to grow heavier.

It became hard to breathe.

Your eyes lifted from the paper.

You read the word again.

"I saved you.

But really, you killed me."

As your heart echoed within your chest, you felt this line was kin to your blood. The words were no longer just ink—they were a projection of a past that echoed inside you, of broken hopes and a face you still couldn’t decipher.

"Even when she pointed her gun at me..."

Your eyes froze on the line. Something inside you snapped. This couldn’t be a coincidence. A sentence this accurate, this familiar, could only be written through witness. But... you had never pointed a gun at that man. Not before. Not yet. And still… it was as if the words said one day you would, and he knew it.

There was only one question echoing in your mind:

“Did he write these?”

The stranger must have brought you to this house, right? It was his house. And she — the girl with Joel Miller, Ellie—was assigned to look after you.

Suddenly, it felt like the air around you had gone cold. A quiet unease spread through the room. And just then—

The door opened.

You flinched instantly, gripping the papers reflexively to keep from dropping them. Your heart had leapt to your throat. Your fingers trembled. Your breath caught in your chest like fractured glass.

The first to step in was Ellie, holding a plate. Her expression was tense. She stopped in her tracks the moment she saw you standing, the papers from the drawer still in your hand.

"What are you doing?!" she asked, voice sharp with worry. "You shouldn’t be up. You barely started walking again."

Your eyes shifted past her shoulder.

And he was there.

Standing at the threshold.

That familiar face. Harsh features. Shadows hanging beneath his eyes like the weight of years of guilt carved into skin. And yet... his eyes were soft. The man you loved was looking at you with love.

Your hands trembled as you looked at him. You tried to speak, but the words stuck in your throat. You couldn’t describe what you felt. You were grateful to be alive, and yet… you were in the middle of a swamp. And every step was pulling you deeper.

Ellie turned to him as she realized he’d entered. Her brows were furrowed. "She’s up... I told her she needed rest."

Joel Miller knew the secrets would come to light one day—he just never thought they'd be so eager, while you were still limping through the aftermath.

Joel gave her a small nod. His gaze didn’t just fall on Ellie—it carried a weight as it passed over to you. He was calm. What he was thinking was impossible to read.

"Thanks for watching her, Ellie," he said. His voice was firm. But beneath it, something else lingered. A message: leave.

Ellie’s shoulders tensed slightly. She hesitated, as if she didn’t want to walk out that door. Her eyes moved back to you. Then to Joel. But Joel didn’t look away. It was like a silent message passed between them. About danger. About trust.

Finally, Ellie sighed. "Sandwich..." she said, setting the plate on the nightstand. "So she won’t go hungry."

Then she turned back. And as she stepped out the door, she cast one last glance back. As if it might be the last time she saw you.

And silence fell.

You were alone now.

Joel studied you for a few seconds. He’d noticed the papers in your hand—the ones from the drawer. His eyes drifted there, but he didn’t ask you anything directly.

You, on the other hand, couldn’t move. Your body and your mind were fighting the same war. The words in your hand, the man before you, Ellie’s strange silence…

You slowly placed the papers on the table. Your fingers were still trembling, but you made no sound. The weight of the moment was carried entirely by the silence. It felt like the air in the room had thickened, time sinking beneath your steps. You didn’t take your eyes off him.

And then… you started walking.

Unsteady, but resolute. Quiet, but stormy.

Your steps echoed across the wooden floor until you stood right in front of Joel.

Only a few inches separated you. And when you looked into his eyes, you saw the weight of years—pain, loss, and exhaustion. But you also saw something else… familiarity. As if… you’d been here before. As if his gaze had been calling you for years.

Joel parted his lips to speak. But that word… that first word… never made it out.

Because you spoke first. And your voice rose not from your throat, but from deep inside, from your soul.

“Have you ever heard of Redhill?”

Joel’s expression didn’t change. But that name, that familiar syllable, caused a flicker behind his eyes. He understood. But he didn’t speak. His eyes didn’t leave yours. He was waiting.

“It used to be a home,” you said. “It had walls. It had my father. And his faith… it kept me alive. He believed it was still possible to trust people. To build something with them.”

Your eyes filled with tears, but not a single drop fell.

“Then… that day came. Fire fell from the sky. Bullets rained. Screams, gunfire, blood… everything blurred together. And I… that day… as I carried my father’s lifeless body, I made a vow.”

Your voice cracked. But your words were heavy, steady, and sharp.

“I’d find the man who killed him. And I’d kill him. No matter what it cost.”

Joel was still looking at you. But the edges of his eyes had quivered just a fraction. Maybe it was just a trick of the light. Maybe it was his heart. But you saw it.

“A year and a half. I walked alone for a year and a half. Maps, abandoned roads, shadows… until… I saw you.”

This time, Joel’s brow furrowed slightly. He let out a breath without realizing it. But he still didn’t speak. He only listened.

There was a quiet waiting in his eyes. And a fear.

“You were a stranger,” you said. “And something inside me shattered the moment I saw you. I didn’t understand it. Because… I loved you. Beyond revenge, beyond hate… in that moment, I loved you.

And that feeling… it started to ruin everything.”

Your hands were clenched by your sides. Your eyes glistened with tears, but your voice… your voice didn’t waver anymore.

“As I loved you, I forgot my purpose. But there was something I never let go of… something that kept me tied to my past. I always had it with me. That watch. The watch of my father’s killer. It was always with me. When I slept, when I walked, when I fought. The only thing that reminded me why I was still alive.”

You studied Joel’s face carefully. And in that moment… a tiny muscle moved in his jaw. As if time shifted once more. But still… he remained silent.

“In this room… I looked for it. But it’s gone. Please, tell me I didn’t lose it. Tell me I didn’t lose my watch.”

Joel didn’t speak for a long time. It was as if the room had stopped breathing. Time had lodged itself in your chest like a bullet. It couldn’t move forward, couldn’t turn back. It could only wait. You were both inside a silent apocalypse.

Then... very slowly, Joel reached into the inside pocket of his jacket. It was a small, careful movement. As if he were carrying a grenade. His fingers, moved by a familiar habit, found it. And he pulled it out. That old, worn wristwatch — its scratches telling the story of the past.

It carried the weight of time. And now... something else too.

He held it in his palm for a while. His fingers brushed the surface, as if uncertain. But then... he took a step. Then another. Closing the space between you.

You held your breath, standing still.

One of your hands was clenched into a fist. Your heart... your heart was pounding wildly.

Joel let out a slow, trembling breath.

Then, with his fingertips, he turned the back of the watch.

Without ever looking away from you, he held it out.

But before... before he called you to take it, he showed you the two letters.

A faint engraving.

Not faded with time — on the contrary, deepened by it: J.M.

Those letters… and the truth you’d been chasing for years.

Joel still held the watch in his hand. His eyes were lost in shadow, but his voice… his voice came like an echo from the past. Deep. The voice of a fallen man.

“I remember that day… The watch had stopped. But I never took it off. Even if it couldn’t tell time anymore… it was the only promise I made after my daughter was gone. Not to forget.”

Joel’s voice held no anger, no defense. But he didn’t try to hide what was inside him. That sentence… was the gravestone he carried on his back.

In that moment… the world lost its sound. But the words crashed off the walls. Echoed in your head. The watch had stopped. But your time was only now beginning.

Your eyes widened. Your heartbeat changed. In that moment, all the pieces in your mind came together: Redhill, the promise you made your father, the single name echoing through the silence… And it slipped from your lips like a whisper: “It’s you.”

You took a step toward him. With everything burning in your eyes: “Joel Miller.”

And the past pierced the chest of the future.

In that moment, you couldn’t control your breath, nor the familiar rage that began to burn inside your eyes.

You locked your gaze on Joel’s. But what filled your eyes now wasn’t just the silence of the man you knew — it was someone else. A silhouette of a past stained with blood, ashes, and curses. In that moment, those eyes didn’t belong only to Joel. Behind those eyes were the ashes of Redhill. Behind those eyes lay your father, a single bullet in his head, lying on his back.

“You…” you began, your voice hoarse, tangled with breath. On your face was not just disappointment; there was the sharpness of betrayal. “You knew. All along. Who I was.” That last word felt like it scratched your throat.

Joel said nothing. He neither denied nor confirmed. His gaze fell to your hands — you were still holding the watch.

“You did it on purpose,” you said, stepping forward. “When you found me, when you saw who I was… you knew. And you said nothing. Why? Tell me, why?!” What came out of you wasn’t just pain; it was a cry made at the edge of a grave buried deep inside. “You made me fall in love with you,” you whispered. Your eyes were filled, but the tears didn’t fall. If they fell, you’d fall apart. If they fell, your rage would turn to helplessness. “You lied! You stayed silent. You hid your identity. And I…” You pointed to your chest. “I carried this every day, every night… this watch, this memory, this dead man! You… you stole them all from me!”

“You’re heartless.” The words slipped through your clenched teeth. You were so close now, you could feel Joel’s breath.

Joel lowered his head. As if trying to push the last word stuck inside him through his throat. From between his pale, cracked lips, a quiet “Y/N” escaped, but it didn’t echo in the room. Because the only thing cutting through the silence now was the roar of the emotions exploding inside.

“I never lied,” he said at last. His voice was heavy. So heavy, it was as if the words had given in to gravity. “I just… couldn’t tell the truth.” He looked up. The lines around his eyes looked deeper now. He was tired. But this tiredness wasn’t physical. It was the sorrow of a man who, after losing too much, believed he didn’t even deserve to live.

“I owed you a life,” he said, stepping forward. “But part of that life had already been taken from you. I couldn’t give it back. What was I supposed to do?” He paused, then continued with pain in his voice, “I didn’t tell you my name. I warned you. Again and again. I told you I wasn’t right for you. I did everything to keep you away. But… God knows… I couldn’t stay away from you.”

There was a tremble in his face now. His eyelids were quivering. His breath came in short bursts. He swallowed hard. It was as if another Joel had emerged from within him. Not the one Ellie knew — this was the man who hadn’t opened his heart to anyone since Sarah, and when he did, it shattered everything.

“I didn’t want you because I love you,” he said. “Because loving you… was hell. Loving you was like staring into the face of every person I ever killed. In your eyes… they all died again.” His voice cracked. For the first time, his eyes filled with tears. “I wish we’d met in another way.” His shoulders sank. “I wish this path… wasn’t so damn cursed.”

The air had grown cold. The house was silent. In the silence, the only thing echoing was a broken breath—like the outcry of a scream held back. In that moment, time neither moved forward nor stayed in the past.

Your fingers trembled; it was unclear whether from anger, the cold, or the weight in your chest you could no longer bear. Your eyes were locked on Joel Miller—not as a man, but as a ghost. He was the embodiment of a shadow hidden among memories, now returned in flesh and blood.

Your throat was dry; the words burned as they left your lips.

“I… I set out on this path to kill you, Joel Miller. Not just for my father… but for Redhill. The curse of all of them settled on my shoulders like a burden. At the end of this road, I was supposed to shoot you!”

Your voice cracked. Your eyes filled, but no tears fell; hatred was a feeling that didn’t allow tears.

“But do you know what happened? I fell in love with the man I swore to kill! In this damned world, I loved you! How could… how could it be like this?! This isn’t how I imagined this scene. This confrontation. This truth.”

You gripped your hair with your hands, turned away as you tried to control your breath, but looked at him again.

“I hate myself. For loving a man like you… I want to die!”

With those words, it was as if the silence cracked in the room. The only sound was the faint creak of a footstep on the wooden floor. Joel, without saying a single word, slowly reached for his waist. His hand found a gleaming piece of metal. He let out a deep, weary breath.

SIG P226: A semi-automatic pistol favored by federal agents and some military units—reliable, trusted. Joel always trusted this weapon. It never let him down. Aged, but loyal. Just like him.

In the silence, the sound of the mechanism pulling back echoed like a chilling whisper: “CLICK.” But it wasn’t the sound of death—it was the sound of surrender.

Joel raised the gun to his chest. But now, its loyalty had changed.

He turned the pistol and held it out to you, slowly, deliberately. The grip—marked with his fingerprints—faced you. The muzzle pointed downward. His fingers were ready to let go. His eyes, bound to the past.

“Take it,” Joel said. His voice was dry, hoarse, but steady. “I’m right here. Do whatever you have to do. Give me what I deserve… let your finger be on the trigger.”

You stared at the gun as if frozen. Your hand hovered in the air for several seconds. Your breathing grew erratic.

When you held the weapon, its coldness spread from your fingertips to your heart. With trembling hands, you reached for the trigger, but what you were really touching was his fate—or maybe your own. In that moment, time stopped; neither the weight of the past nor the possibility of the future remained. Only you, him, and the decision in your hands.

He was looking at you. Without saying a word. He offered no defense, no apology. In his eyes, there was only a quiet acceptance—as if he had long been waiting for this moment, as if every sleepless night had prepared him for this.

You didn’t look away. You didn’t want to. Because you were supposed to hate him. Because once, you had sworn. That you would kill him. When you stared at your father’s lifeless body in the ruined streets of Redhill, when the hopes of your people were crushed underfoot, when you set out on this journey whispering his name… it had all started that day. And it was all… supposed to end today.

But everything had changed, hadn’t it?

That stranger was no longer a stranger. The fury you carried in your heart had been pierced by the nights you’d shared with him.

You applied pressure to the trigger. Just a little… just a click. But your finger couldn’t go further. Because his face didn’t change. He didn’t flinch. Didn’t beg. He had surrendered himself to you.

“Do it,” said his eyes. “Do what must be done.”

You couldn’t do it.

You lowered the gun.

Your arm trembled. Your shoulder dropped.

Tears slid down your cheeks, but you didn’t say a word.

Slowly, you sank to your knees. You placed the gun on the ground with care.

The sound… that metallic clatter… hit your ears heavier than bullets.

You rose to your feet.

Joel stayed silent for a long time.

The gun was still on the floor.

His old leather jacket rustled faintly; even the dried bloodstains were just shadows now.

He looked into your eyes—only your eyes.

Then, suddenly, his voice cracked with an unexpected tone.

“Why didn’t you?”

It was such a simple, bare question… there was nowhere left to run from it.

“You should’ve killed me,” he said again, his eyes locked with yours.

“You were so close… pulling the trigger was just a second.

And… I deserve it.”

You didn’t move.

Your hands were clenched into fists, but they weren’t shaking anymore.

It was like you had shed all hatred, all rage.

Only silence remained.

Then your voice, breaking in a whisper-like confession, came out:

“Because I… already knew.”

Joel furrowed his brow, tilting his head slightly.

You kept talking, your voice layered with depth.

“When we were in Northpoint… when I was close to repairing the device. I made contact with Jackson. Someone named Tommy answered. He asked, ‘Is Joel Miller with you?’ The words were hard to catch through the static. But I ignored it, wanted to think I was being paranoid. Tried to convince myself I’d misheard.”

Your voice cracked again, but there was no stopping now.

“I knew. For days… maybe weeks… I knew.”

Your eyes locked onto Joel’s.

There was no fear left in your gaze, no denial.

Only the raw truth—like an open wound, still bleeding.

“I forgot the promise I made my father. I opened my heart to the man I was supposed to hate. And now, I have neither revenge… nor peace. Only a love cursed—born from the ashes of everything it burned.”

You cried for the first time. But quietly. “I thought you betrayed me. But I’m the one who betrayed. My father’s grave. My people. Justice… Myself.”

Joel stood frozen where he was, your words echoing around him like ghosts.

He couldn’t run. Couldn’t turn back.

Your voice still echoed in his ears—that voice which had once been the only light in his darkness.

But now, that light was setting itself ablaze before his very eyes. That strong, ever-composed face of his…

It looked too tired to carry its secrets anymore.

His eyes were full—but no tears fell.

Joel Miller had stopped crying the day Sarah’s body grew heavy in his arms. And now, maybe for the first time since then, he’d been struck in that same place again.

Perhaps that’s why he stayed silent.

Because words… never bring anything back.

But in that silence, there was a scream.

A scream of a man who wanted to reach for you, but had no right to touch.

Joel Miller had survived death.

But not you.

Not the shattered light in your eyes.

And in that moment, he knew one thing for certain: Love doesn’t always heal.

Sometimes the greatest hell is looking into the eyes of the woman who still loves you.

He slowly straightened up.

Took a step forward.

Then stopped.

And in a hollow voice, he asked only one thing:

“So what happens now?”

That night, you made the decision that changed your life. And maybe you'll never know... whether you did the right thing, or made the biggest mistake of all.

When you straightened your back, your body still ached. The pain beneath your ribs was a sharp reminder of wounds that hadn’t quite healed—but even that pain was nothing compared to the wound in your soul, much deeper, much sharper.

As your knees trembled, your eyes locked on Joel. He was still there. Silent, wounded, and regretful. But a very different war raged inside your heart.

There was a moment of silence. Then you spoke.

"I'm leaving," you said. Your voice was calm, but filled with ashes. "I can’t wake up every morning and share the same sky with you."

Your words hung in the air like a blade. Joel didn’t say a word.

You took a step. You staggered slightly, but gathered yourself. Your gaze still fixed on him. And as you spoke your final words, it was as if you were carving them into your own tombstone:

"Joel, because the more I forgive you... the more I hate myself."

When your words ended, everything seemed to stop. You’d come to understand that a love soaked in blood and betrayal couldn’t be silenced. You weren’t angry at Joel anymore—you were angry at yourself. You realized you couldn’t carry this weight.

And Joel—he didn’t fall apart when he first heard your words… but when he first felt what they meant, his knees gave out.

When you said you were leaving, your voice didn’t even sound like your own. It was foreign, cold, determined. Love had turned you into a stranger. And there was no forgiveness left—not for Joel, not for yourself.

Joel didn’t speak at first. As if every word might drive you further away. But when you turned your back and took a step, he moved. His fingers, strong but trembling, gripped your shoulders. He still had strength—but it wasn’t to hurt you anymore. It was to keep you from leaving.

"You can’t go," he said, his voice torn like a prayer. "Not like this… not in this state… you won’t survive out there alone. You’ll die, Y/N."

But you lowered your head slightly. Your eyes weren’t on Joel—they were fixed on your past.

"Maybe… I should," you said. But it wasn’t defiance. It was a sentence. Accepted. Your fate. And when Joel understood that, he lost his breath. "I think I deserve this," you said. "Redhill... needs me, yes. But if I return with this stain inside me, I’ll be neither leader nor daughter. So maybe… this is how it ends. In the middle of the road. Quietly."

Joel stepped closer, his hands still on your shoulders. But this time, they were a refuge.

"I did something to you, yes," he said. "I hurt people. I’ve been doing it for a long time. You know who I am now. But there’s one thing I need you to understand…"

He paused. His eyes pierced into yours. As tired as the dead, as hopeless as a prisoner.

"Along the way… watching you… each night by the fire, when you turned your back and couldn’t sleep, when you woke up from your nightmares… my heart was always in your hands."

You stayed silent. Maybe you heard him. Maybe you didn’t. But Joel wasn’t expecting an answer anymore. This wasn’t a confession. It was a moment of punishment.

"Y/N…" he said softly, his voice the final hope of a man breaking apart. "I loved you. I still do. But no matter what you do, you’re right. I broke you. What I did to your father… to myself… I’ve already sentenced myself. Every day, every hour, every breath…"

You shook your head slowly, still locking eyes with him.

"It wasn’t just you, Joel," you said, your voice cracked. "I betrayed too. Before my father’s blood even dried… I loved you. And that’s the one thing I can’t forgive."

Joel’s eyes widened. Because for the first time, the guilt that once crushed only him had now begun to bury you too.

"When I made contact with Jackson… when I was in Northpoint… I found out who you were," you continued. "But I couldn’t say it. Because saying it… meant losing you. And losing you… meant losing everything."

Your lips trembled. Joel tried to speak, but the words caught in his throat. In that moment, his hands fell. Because you weren’t holding him anymore. You had chosen to walk into your own hell.

As you slowly turned your back, Joel’s eyes clung to you. You were leaving. Taking your heart with you. And leaving him alone. Just like how it all began. In silence. Without gunshots. But with a far deadlier pain.

Joel was still there. Standing. Wounded. His blood-covered hands were still holding you—as if letting go would send you plummeting off a cliff, or worse, he would lose everything. There was an unusual panic in his eyes. Joel Miller, always so cold-blooded before killing a man, had now lost that calm. Had he ever been this afraid in a war? He didn’t know. But the thought of losing you… that weighed heavier than any hell he had ever endured.

"Y/N..." he said again. His voice was hoarse, torn from his throat. "Don’t leave me now. No matter what... we’ve come all this way together. Don’t say it’s over. Please... we can find another way."

"Joel, it’s over," you said. Your voice didn’t tremble. "This path... it only leads to a grave."

Joel staggered. As if your words had punched him in the gut. His eyes lingered on you. His lips moved but no words came out. He stepped forward again, maybe ready to fall to his knees and beg. That would’ve been a sacred fall for Joel Miller. And he could only do it for you.

"I’ll do whatever you want," he said. "If you’re going back to Redhill… we’ll go together. I won’t pretend nothing happened, but… I can’t stay away from you. I thought I had a future with you. Maybe it’s too late. Maybe it’s madness. But..."

You didn’t look at him. You slowly reached for your backpack. You weren’t ready, not really. Your wounds were still bleeding, your bones still begged for rest—but staying meant not healing. It meant rotting deeper. Joel’s voice echoed behind you, but it had already turned into a memory. Your fingers were cold, like every vein inside you. Your eyes locked on a single point. You had to repeat to yourself that it was over. Otherwise, you’d take it all back.

You turned around one last time. Your eyes met. Joel wasn’t begging anymore. He was just standing there, stripped bare in loneliness. His lips quivered, but the tremble didn’t come from cold—it came from the loss gnawing at him. Something had broken in the depth of his gaze.

"I need to pack," you said.

Joel remained silent. As if even that line gave him hope. He looked at you like he was thinking, So you're not leaving right away. But that was what Joel Miller never understood: the journey had already begun in your heart. Goodbyes don’t start at the door—they begin when something inside finally lets go.

And in that moment—maybe he would speak again, maybe take another step—but you beat him to it. You slowly walked forward, standing directly in front of him. Your body was tired, your eyes as dark as the night. As his hand reached for your shoulder, you suddenly pushed against his chest. He stumbled back toward the door. For a second, he didn’t understand what was happening. But then his back hit the doorframe, and reality returned.

"Y/N—"

The door shut. Loud. Heavy.

He heard the turn of the lock. That sound hit sharper than a gunshot. His hands no longer trembled. The decision had been made.

Joel stood frozen before the door. The silence inside was louder than the wind outside. His palms curled into fists. He didn’t knock. Because he knew now: it wasn’t the door that had closed—an entire lifetime had.

And you, inside, were breathing. Slow. Heavy. You’d probably start packing a bag. Take some bandages. A little food. But most importantly: you’d leave your heart behind that door. It had grown too heavy to carry any longer.

This time, he didn’t want you to die. But he no longer had the courage to stop you. And maybe this time… it really was the end.

[flowerandblood]

The Knight & The Judge

[ modern Frollo • Aemond x Esmeralda • female ]

[ warnings: dubcon, sex content, smut, angst, domination and humiliation kink, description of physical and mental disabilities, prejudices against disabled people, aggressive behavior, violence, swearing, trauma, mention of an accident with fatalities ]

[ description: After a car accident, his brother has to deal with the consequences of what happened, and he, as his protector, does not know how to help him. His sister comes up with the idea of hiring someone as his carer who will be able to cheer him up and occupy his mind. It turns out, however, that the girl he hired charmed not only his younger brother. Obsession, self-destructive behavior, verbal and physical aggression, sexual tension, dark, malicious Aemond. ]

Author's note: This story is a request, but I decided to freely use what I liked in the book and Disney film to create a new, disturbing story taking place in modern times. It is intended to be uncomfortable and will contain scenes that are at least morally questionable, in my version "Esmeralda" is not Romanian. This story will also include motifs from Jane Eyre, which was a separate request. My story will also touch on the problems of people with disabilities, so if these are sensitive topics for you, I advise against reading further. You have been warned.

Part 2 − The Sin & The Penance Part 3 − The Doubt & The Delight Epilogue

Main Characters Moodboard Aemond NSFW Alphabet

* English is not my first language. Please, do not repost. Enjoy! *

Next chapters: Masterlist

_____

On that day it seemed to him that the whole world had turned against him. His coffee machine had broken down, there was more traffic than usual on the roads, he was sure he would be late for work, and his brother had woken up in a mood worse than always and cried all the way to the centre.

"I don't want to go there. I-I'm scared of some of those kids." He muttered under his breath, swallowing loudly, whooping with tears. He looked at him in the mirror, feeling a squeeze in his throat every morning when he left him there, but saw no other alternative.

He still hadn't recovered mentally after what had happened five years ago and, according to his psychiatrist, he wasn't ready to attend a normal school until he gained more confidence.

He did not want to force him to listen to unpleasant comments, however, he felt uncomfortable himself.

The centre was huge, classes were taught in different groups of matched children, however, there were times when Daeron encountered kids with a spectrum of disabilities other than physical and was simply afraid of them.

He tried to explain it to him, but how was a child supposed to understand these complicated, sometimes even uncontrollable behaviours and screams?

He swallowed hard, leaning the back of his head against the backrest, turning on the right indicator with his hand, driving into the car park of the building where he would leave him for the time he spent at work, during which he studied and had various extra classes with children with problems similar to his.

However, was he to surround himself all his life only with children who had mobility problems, who had no arms or legs, who suffered from paresis or lack of feeling in their limbs?

Every time he thought about it he wanted to cry.

He turned off the engine, staring dully ahead, hearing his mother's screams again in the background of his mind as his father fainted behind the wheel and drove off the road into the other lane – he felt once again that hard crash with the big truck coming from the opposite direction that crushed them.

They were only alive because they were in the back seats at the time, Daeron, however, was not as lucky as he was.

Compared to what happened to his younger brother, the glass that smashed into the left side of his face was nothing.

"Mrs Thomson said you can't spend all day at home doing one-to-one tuition. You have to see other children." He calmly repeated the formula he said whenever such a situation arose, opening his door, heading for the boot of his big black SUV – the car dealership had told him it was the safest and biggest model they had.

He took out the small wheelchair that had been put together and unfolded it, driving it closer, to the back seat where his brother sat, opening it – he looked away, unable to watch his brother's weeping face.

"I'm already late for work. Please. I promise we'll play FIFA' 23 together when we get back. Hm?" He muttered, and Daeron nodded, pale, breathing loudly, using his hands to move slowly towards the wheelchair onto which he shifted the weight of his body, hissing loudly as he lifted his legs onto the special supports.

The bones of his little legs had been simply crushed then – he continued to grow, the rehabilitation was hard and caused him great pain.

He would have preferred it to be him who suffered like this and not an innocent child, but God, who he wasn't sure he still believed in despite the deep faith his mother had always instilled in him, decided otherwise.

He closed the car and moved with him to the main entrance, pushing his wheelchair forward. When they got inside they were greeted by a lady they knew very well, several of his friends waved to Daeron, one of them was paralysed from the waist down, the other was missing one arm.

He swallowed loudly, thinking that his brother had to watch someone else's misfortune every day, himself for sure feeling like a cripple, like someone defective, someone who was a burden, even though he loved him the most in the world.

The cruelty of the situation left him with a clenched throat, so he would usually only throw him a few words to say goodbye, stroke his head and leave, only by the car tightening his fingers on the base of his nose, his healthy eye burning from the moisture that gathered under his eyelids.

As he always did in moments of breakdown, he started the engine, selected the number of his sister phone on the display under his dashboard and, turning on loudspeaker mode, started backing his car as he tried to drive out of the car park and drove ahead towards the national prosecutor's office.

"Hello? Aemond, did something happen?"

He heard Helaena's soft, sleepy voice. He knew she was still doing overtime as a doctor, overworking herself as much as he was and thought that he had woken her up after the night shift.

He felt remorse for not being able to handle it himself, although she always reassured him that she would always help him as best she could.

She got Daeron the best possible physiotherapist so that he was even able to take a few steps in the last month while holding on to his supports, however it still caused him great pain, the doctors said his bones would continue to hurt as long as he grew.

Perpetual undeserved suffering.

"I don't know what to do anymore. He says he is afraid of some of the children, those with intellectual disabilities. I know it's cruel, but fuck, I'd be scared of some of them too. Do they have to see each other in the same building, pass each other in the corridor? Shouldn't they be separated somehow?"

"God, Aemond, they're not animals. After all, they're children too." She said with sadness and resentment – he clenched his eye, sighing impatiently, trying to focus on the road again, tense.

"I know. I know. I really feel for them, but it's bad for his psyche. He recently asked me if he was normal, if he too would start shouting and babbling like them. That sometimes they are aggressive and the carers have to drag them away from him and his friends."

"It's horrible. Maybe he really should go there less often?" She asked sighing quietly, he heard her rise up on the bed with a quiet creak of the mattress.

"And what, he's going to sit at home with some boring old teacher? How will I know that no harm comes to him in my absence?" He asked resignedly, hearing silence on the other side for some time.

"Maybe find someone who won't be very distant in age. Someone who won't just teach him, but play with him and spend time with him. Someone old enough to be responsible for him and at the same time young enough not to feel so distant. Someone joyful." She replied, and he rolled his eyes as he drove into the underground car park of his office building.

"Joyful? I am supposed to pay someone to be joyful?" He sneered, shaking his head, his sister sighed again.

"He needs it, Aemond. We're all tired, and he's a child."

He hung up after a few minutes of further discussion, telling her he had to go, grabbed the case folders he'd just brought in and headed for the underground lift. He pressed the button showing the floor he wanted to move to when a woman's hand stopped the sliding doors, which opened a moment later.

Alys smiled broadly at him as she stepped inside with a confident stride – her high black heels emphasised how slender and long her legs were, her fitted, waist high pencil trousers and black blazer with a beautiful white shirt underneath highlighted both her confidence and her attractiveness.

He remembered the last few times the thrusts of his hips had pushed her into her desk, bent over and helpless, with firm, wide buttocks on which he tightened his fingers as he panted heavily, watching what he was doing to her, rooting into her again and again, thinking with mockery and amusement how easy it was to make a mere whore out of such a proud woman.

"Good morning, Mr Prosecutor." She said softly, contentment and calmness on her face, several of their intense close-ups had clearly left an intense mark in her, not just physical.

She liked the violent and determined ones, he knew that – she hid her age well and apparently decided that this was the last moment in her life when she could reach for what she wanted.

"Good morning, Miss Rivers." He replied calmly, uninterested in her ambiguous look, apparently suggesting that she wouldn't mind if what happened between them was repeated a few more times.

He was all about the sex. He was frustrated in this aspect – his artificial eye, although perfectly colour-matched to the other and the still clearly visible scar from where the glass pierced in, were a source of his complexes and shame.

He knew that no matter how perfect a professional he was, it was his appearance that made the first impression.

In the courtroom he still struggled to be taken seriously so much so that his cold, calculating, ruthless nature began to frighten some – his judgement and questioning was harsh and lacking in compassion.

He knew exactly what he wanted and strove to get it.

He preferred them to fear him rather than pity him.

His superiors quickly appreciated how skilful a lawyer he was and his ability to bring cases to an end and push whoever he needed to, hence he quickly moved to the National Prosecutor's Office, where more responsibilities and more money awaited him, which he could spend on Daeron's rehabilitation.

As he sat over the files he thought hard about what his sister had told him and decided that he would install CCTV in the house and then hire someone on a trial basis to see if it made sense.

He put up an anonymous job ad not wanting anyone to recognise him, described briefly his broad expectations and his rate per hour.

It turned out that dozens of people responded to his ad, just as he suspected attracted by the sum he had quoted, but he didn't know how he was supposed to sort them to choose the ones that seemed best to him. He began to read their answers, figuring that already from them he could deduce what types of personalities they were.

I am interested. My phone number is below.

Reject, he thought, clicking the red button informing the message sender that his offer was not accepted, and began to scroll further.

I am a carer with 10 years of experience. I have already cared for 14-year-old Mike with cerebral palsy, Adam with….

Reject, he clicked again.

He had no intention of making his home a second centre for the disabled.

He felt frustration and rage when he found that most of the messages were similar and just as empty in their tone, nothing convinced him about these people.

He knew Daeron wouldn't want to stay with them, and neither would he.

He stopped at one of the messages that looked completely different and blinked.

Good morning! I saw your ad and thought I would speak up. I'm a student, I'm studying costume design at the Faculty of Fine Arts. I'm looking for a casual job and I really enjoy working with children, I teach dressmaking as part of the teaching section of my university classes. I think that helping your brother with his studies at primary school level would be no problem for me at all, and I would also be happy to come up with different extra-curricular activities with him. Even if you decide not to hire me, I would like to sew your brother a costume of his favourite super hero, without any payment of course. You would just have to give me his measurements. I don't think anything makes kids his age happier!!! My warmest regards and I am sending my email below.

He looked at her message not too sure how he felt, at the same time being impressed, on the other hand feeling the seed of uncertainty and extreme caution characteristic of him when it came to his approach to newly met people.

What if this was a psychological tactic to make him believe her to be innocent and unselfish? To make him subconsciously choose her because she was the only one offering him something for free? If it was just her free promotion?

He chose two people reluctantly, but kept coming back to her message, trying to imagine her, seeing some crazy painting student looking like a hippie.

Maybe this was just what he needed? He thought with regret and sighed heavily, opening a new window in his inbox, writing her a short, brief email to appear at their house in a few days' time.

He was going to interrogate her.

The young man before her immediately made him uneasy – he had the impression that he smelled weed from him even though he had taken a shower, so he must have been smoking like crazy, and he had no intention of letting anyone who might encourage him to use any stimulants look after his brother.

The other girl was very frightened – his questions clearly startled her and made her uncomfortable, it frustrated him that she was barely able to make a sound. He thought she had something to hide, that people who have a clear conscience don't behave this way.

He thought with resignation that all he had left was a mad artist.

He sighed heavily as he heard the bell ring suggesting that someone was standing outside the gate. He walked over to the intercom and opened it, seeing in the small monitor a petite girl with dark, slightly wavy hair tied up in a ponytail.

He thought in disbelief that she was dressed for a job interview in a white turtleneck, dungarees and trainers, a fabric floral back on her back.

What the fuck, he thought, opening her door with a cold, indifferent expression on his face.

"Good afternoon." She said softly, a wide smile on her face. Before she walked in she wiped her shoes on the doormat, which pleased him. When she came inside she wanted to take off her trainers – he looked at her surprised, thinking she must be crazy.

"No, you don't have to. You can stay in your shoes." He said lowly, pointing towards the armchair, indicating to her with his hand the seat on the couch next to him.

She sat down in the seat he showed her, looking boldly straight into his eyes, her cheeks rosy with emotion.

She was clearly a tad nervous after all, he thought, musing for a moment that she had incredibly long, dark eyelashes.

"Do you have experience in working with children?" He asked immediately; she blinked and corrected herself in her seat, as if prepared for the question.

"Only in terms of working with them in sewing workshops." She answered simply, without any further explanation, which pleased him.

She was letting him draw his own conclusions, rather than imposing them on him so as to present herself in the most favourable light.

"My brother has mobility problems. How do you imagine helping him, for example, if he needs to go to the bathroom?"

"I think he's old enough that he can tell me himself what he'll need help with and what he won't, and what he'll feel comfortable for me to help him with and when he'll want me to leave." She said without thinking, shrugging her shoulders as if it was obvious. He squinted, intrigued that she was allowing herself to say unthoughtful things in front of him, as if she wasn't afraid of the consequences they might bring.

"And your studies? How will you have so much time to come here?"

"From what I understand, I would be expected to turn up on Tuesdays and Thursdays from eight in the morning until sixteen. I have practice classes then, the costumes I'm sewing I can bring with me and finish them while he's eating or watching something, maybe he'll even like it and want to practice with me?"

"What will you do if I don't hire you?" He asked dryly and she looked at him surprised, a light smile on her face indicating that his words didn't worry her.

"Then I will continue to work in the café. But my words about the superhero costume stand. Even if I can't work for you, sir, I would like to meet him and give him something. Children can be so brave." She said softly with sincere, bright joy and some kind of pride, as if Daeron was her brother and not his, something in her innocence, something in her attitude endeared him.

He could smell a lie a mile away, she wouldn't be able to pretend so well even if she were an actress.

These reactions were natural, she was saying exactly what she was thinking about.

"I will contact you once I have made my decision." He said indifferently, getting up from his seat and pointing with his hand towards the exit, suggesting that their conversation was over.

She stood up and smiled, undaunted by his behaviour or the length of their conversation. Both of them flinched when Daeron appeared in the living room, pushing the wheels of his wheelchair with a light flick of his hand.

"Good afternoon. Who is this lady?" His younger brother asked him, obvious curiosity on his face. He swallowed loudly and glanced at her – she answered nothing but waved at him vigorously, Daeron smiled shyly and waved her back, embarrassed.

"No one. I needed to talk to her." He replied, opening the door for her. She said a polite goodbye to him and his brother, waving at him once more, Daeron waved her back again, looking at him with questioning eyes as he closed it.

"I like her. She seems fun."

With no other choice, he decided he would give her a chance.

The first day she was to be left alone with Daeron he was all nerves despite the fact that his little brother hadn't seemed this excited to him in many years. He told him about his toys and the cartoons he was going to show her.

"First the lessons. Then two hours to play and free time." He replied dryly, tense, glancing at his watch, thinking with rage that she only had fifteen minutes left, that she was sure to be late or not come and leave him in the lurch when he had already cancelled his presence at the centre's classes.

They both flinched when they heard the bell ring; Daeron said, moving briskly forward in his wheelchair that he wanted to open for her and indeed, after a moment the girl he had hired appeared on the doorstep of their house, smiling and content – her cheeks flushed again, her dark hair loose, pleasantly framing her bright face, on her body only a black top and tracksuit shorts as it was a sunny, warm spring morning.

"Good morning, Daeron, nice to meet you!" She said with fondness and satisfaction in her voice, extending her hand in front of her, which his brother shook confidently. Daeron moved ahead of her, glancing over his shoulder at her.

"Come, I'll show you my room. I'll explain everything to you." He said, rolling his wheelchair up to the door, which was located on the ground floor of their house so that he could move around easily. The girl nodded, pulling her trainers off her feet, saying that she will come to him in a minute.

He took the opportunity to walk up to her, towering over her, and she threw him a quick surprised look.

He thought her eyes seemed even bigger than before, he wasn't sure if they were blue or green, both colours blending into one.

"You are to take care of him. I want you to go through all the material that was prepared for today. Only two hours of free time, no more. Behave responsibly and only call if it's really urgent or if something happens to him." He said matter-of-factly, and she swallowed quietly, nodding quickly, clearly horrified by how close he stood and how cold his voice was.

Good, he thought.

He wanted her to be afraid of the consequences of her actions.

He sat in the office all day terrified, stressed and unsure, trying to focus on the file in front of him, while involuntarily still glancing at his phone, checking to see if she might have called him.

Was everything okay? What if something had happened but she was afraid to call him? Maybe he should go home and test her, see what was going on?

He thought he would go mad if he didn't, so he left work an hour early – Alys threw something at him as he walked past her, probably something about a meeting or an evening out together, but he didn't answer her, heading for the stairs and the underground car park.

He drove forward, trying to calm himself down, thinking about how oversensitive he was, that surely everything was fine.

He pulled up in front of their house hearing music in the distance, wondering if any of the neighbours were having a party outside at this hour.

However, as he pressed the key to the gate and it slowly swung open he saw in disbelief the girl he had hired riding with lightness and grace on roller skates in his driveway to the tune of the Scissor Sisters song Don't Feel Like Dancin. Daeron laughed out loud, spinning beside her in his wheelchair, both of them wearing elbow and knee pads, in addition to his little brother wearing a bike helmet on his head.

What the fuck was that supposed to be?

He got out of the car, furiously slamming the door, his brother wheeled up to him briskly, his companion spinning slowly around them on roller skates – she raised her eyebrows with a smile, seeing the look on his face and waved at him.

"Look how well I dance, brother!" Exclaimed Daeron, spinning the wheels of his wheelchair around his own axis again.

He, however, instead of looking at him grabbed aggressively the arm of his carer who was doing another spin – she nearly fell over because of his tug and caught him abruptly by his jacket in an attempt to catch her balance.

"Ah!"

"What the fuck are you doing? Is this what I pay you for?" He growled and shook her hard. She stared at him with wide-open eyes, her lips slightly parted in accelerated breathing from fear, her face red from exertion, strands of her hair stuck to her cheeks.

"Let me go, sir. I will not speak to you like this." She said warningly, her brow furrowed. He pressed his lips together noticing that something had changed in her gaze, suddenly confident and angry, ready to fight if necessary.

He felt that look in his trousers, he'd never had the urge to slap a woman's ass as hard as hers before.

He glanced at his brother, who was looking at him in horror, only realising after a moment that the song had long since ended and there was a tense, awkward silence around them.

He let go of her arm, seeing with satisfaction that he had left a bruise on her skin in the shape of his fingers – she massaged at the spot, furrowing her brow.

"You're fired. You're irresponsible. Good thing I came back earlier." He said with mockery and fury, walking over to his brother, unbuckling the helmet he wore on his head. Daeron burst into a loud, uncontrollable sob.

"I don't want to. I don't want to, I don't want to go back there, I want to stay with her. It's my fault, I told her I wanted to dance, please, please, please, I want her to stay, I don't want to go back there." He babbled, running his hands over his shoulders in some helpless, childish pleading gesture from which he felt a squeeze in his throat. He glanced at her out of the corner of his eye, her gaze fixed on his little brother, sad and resigned – she was leaning over, untying the laces of the roller skates that had once belonged to his sister.

"Something could have happened to you. You could have fallen over and hit your head on the ground." He replied coldly, kneeling in front of him, unbuckling his knee pads.

"But I had a helmet on my head. After all, normal boys fall off bikes and stairs and they're fine! Nothing would have happened if I'd bruised myself a bit, I'm not made of glass!" He burst out suddenly with a fury he had never seen in him before, burying his little face in his hands, all red from tears and despair.

"I won't go back there, I won't go there tomorrow, if she doesn't stay, never, never again, I'd rather kill myself!" He whined out loud, falling into another attack of hysteria in recent months – he had trouble catching his breath, his lungs were wheezing all over. He took his face in his hands, but he closed his eyes, not wanting to look at him.

God, why?

"Remember what I told you?" She asked walking up to his brother in just her socks, kneeling beside him, grasping his hand. Daeron immediately fell silent, looking at her with wide eyes.

"That boy who calls you Quasimodo is just mean. You are my Phoebus, you have his beautiful hair, humour and valour. I'll sew us costumes and we'll go to the carnival ball together. His jaw will drop when he sees that you came with your Esmeralda. What do you say?" She asked softly, and he looked at her in disbelief, wondering if that was the reason his little brother didn't want to go there.

That boy who calls you Quasimodo.

He felt a twitch in his throat and swallowed loudly, his brother nodding quickly, drawing in air loudly, his eyes full of hope.

"Promise?" He asked in a trembling voice, and she smiled broadly, sincerely, squeezing his small hand.

"Promise."

They entered their house as his brother calmed down; he told Daeron to go to his room and leave them alone, which his brother eventually did with great reluctance, crying for a while longer, not wanting to say goodbye to her.

As soon as he heard the door close behind him at the end of the corridor he slipped his wallet out of the back pocket of his trousers, took out a few banknotes and threw them on the table in front of her in a careless gesture.

"Get the fuck out of my house." He said coldly, looking her straight in the eye. He saw her lower lip twitch, the pain of humiliation in her gaze, her eyebrows arched in disbelief that such words had left his mouth.

He wasn't paying her to make a circus of herself dancing like some fucking Esmeralda, exposing his brother to danger and injury.

He pressed his lips into a thin line and trembled with rage as she took the money and tossed it in his direction, the banknotes flying scattered around his feet.

"You could dress up as Frollo for the carnival ball, sir. It would suit you." She said drily, turning away tensely – he moved behind her, feeling anger buzzing strongly in his veins at her words.

He grabbed her by the neck with an aggressive flick of his hand and slammed her back against the wall, her voice stuck in her throat in horror, her big, bright eyes open wide in disbelief.

He took a step closer to her, feeling her warm body quiver all over in his grasp, digging his fingertips deeper into her skin, finding with delight that she was obscenely soft.

"Do you have anything else to say?" He asked in a low whisper filled with threat – she shook her head quickly clearly feeling the situation was out of her control, obviously fearing if he was really going to do something to her.

"No, are you sure? I'm listening to you. Tell me something else interesting about me." He said softly, encouragingly, moving even closer to her, the tips of their noses almost touching.

He could finally get a good look at her and he found curiously that he still couldn't tell what colour her eyes were, now slightly reddened from tears of fear.

She shook her head quickly, not making a sound; all he could hear was their quickened, raspy breaths, her hand touched his wrist as if she wanted to make sure he didn't strangle her.

He was somehow delighted by how delicate, long and slender her fingers were, feeling a pleasant pulsing in his trousers at the thought.

"Look at you. So silly. Because you're a silly little girl, aren't you? You would benefit from someone teaching you a lesson. No? Then apologise and I'll let you go and pretend I never met you." He said calmly, her whole body quivering with terror.

"Never." She said quietly, and he felt involuntarily that his lips curved in a dangerous, satisfied grin, his fingers clenching tighter around her neck.

"You're asking for trouble, Esmeralda." He muttered lowly, her nostrils twitching in accelerated breath.

"I will report what you are doing to the police." She said dryly and he smiled even wider, feeling her tremble all over as he leaned over her ear, his nose sinking into her soft, flower-scented hair – he closed his eyes and savoured the experience for a moment before whispering something she froze from.

"I am a prosecutor −"

Her hand clenched tighter on his wrist, a moan of despair escaping her lips, as if what he had said had really shocked her, as if she was only now realising what she had gotten herself into.

"− and I've never lost a case yet." He whispered in her ear, sliding his face lower, to her jaw and then to her neck, pressing his full lips to her skin, leaving wet, hot marks on it. He heard her draw in a loud breath.

"− w-what are you doing, sir? − no −" She whimpered, he felt her lift her arms up in a defensive gesture, trying to pull away from him, but he pressed her against the wall with his body, letting go of her neck, his erection throbbing hard in his trousers, pressing again and again against her stomach.

She felt it, a terrified cry escaped her lips as his lips pressed tightly against her neck – he began to suck painfully hard on her skin, wanting to leave her a crimson reminder of himself.

"− how did you put it? − who do I remind you of? −" He asked tauntingly, running his rough tongue over her red skin, feeling the veins pulsing rapidly under her soft, warm skin.

"− I'm sorry − I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry − please, please let me go −" She mumbled out in despair on the verge of crying, her voice trembling all over in terror, her breathing raspy and uneven, her small hands clenched on the material of his black turtleneck that he wore under his jacket.

He gasped at her words, sliding his mouth lower, repeating the same process, rubbing against her with his hips – his cock was all swollen and hard, pulsing with pleasure, his hands roaming down her back, sliding at last to her buttocks where they clenched.

"− look at you − so you can be polite after all, hm? −" He asked softly, lowering the material of her tracksuit shorts a little, his large hand grasping her plump, firm buttocks and slapping it hard – she clamped her lips together, trying to hold back the whimper that squeezed its way down her throat.

"− that's what I thought − turn around and let's get this over with −" He murmured, soothingly massaging the place that was now pulsing from his slap, grinning as she did so wordlessly, tears of helplessness and fear on her cheeks.

"− please −" She muttered and he sighed softly, sliding the material of her shorts and underwear down, revealing what was underneath – she shuddered and wept quietly as the tips of his fingers ran over her swollen folds, focusing their pressure on her sweet spot hidden between them, digging into her fleshy skin in circular, calm motions.

"− shhh − this way it will be easier for both of us −" He explained in a soft tone of voice, as if he was telling her something obvious, as if it would benefit her in the future and teach her something.

He heard her shy moan full of fear, then another, a tad louder as his fingers sank more firmly into her skin. He licked his lips at the sight of the wetness that began to leak slowly from inside her and slapped his hand with a short, rough movement into the space between her thighs.

"− quiet −" He ordered, and she pressed her lips together, stifling whatever wanted to come out of them. Daeron was far away, locked in his room, but he still preferred him not to hear anything, and he didn't have the time or desire to take her upstairs to his bedroom.

This situation, her bent figure and her lovely buttocks pushed up towards him, suited him completely.

"− good girl − see? − it's not that hard −" He murmured pleased with how obedient she was despite the fear and terror from which her whole body was twitching. The confident movements of his fingers were accompanied by the louder and louder click of her moisture, her cheek pressed against the cold wall where her hands were helplessly trying to find support in this position, her eyes closed as if she just wanted to wait it out.

She opened them when she heard the sound of his zipper being opened – her lips pressed together with difficulty as he guided the fat, swollen head of his throbbing cock against her opening, leaning with his free hand against the wall just above her head, trying to force it between her tight folds with the motion of his hips.

"− wider − that's it, there you go −" He exhaled as she opened her thighs a little more and he spread her wide on his cock, feeling her muscles gave him a wonderful squeeze – he sighed loudly, surprised at how pleasurable the sensation was.

"− fuck −" He hissed out, clamping his hands on her buttocks, spreading them like a ripe fruit; she squirmed in discomfort as he forced her to take him deeper inside her, filling her so much that he felt like he was going to rip her skin apart.

"− barely fits −" He scoffed, moving his hips back and forth with a splat of her moisture dripping down her thighs – he heard her begin to pant along with him as he deliberately rubbed against her lower wall just above her very entrance, teasing the spot inside her from which her whole body was quivering.

"− here? − do you want me to fuck you here, little one? −" He gasped as he stretched her skin enough to fit all of him inside her, rooting into her again and again with increasingly brutal thrusts of his hips, digging his fingertips into her buttocks, looking at the spot where their bodies joined, at her muscles clenching against him greedily in panic, sucking him inside.

"− please −" She cried out, squeezing her eyes shut, her lips parted in disbelief at how pleasurable and terrifying the experience was. He sank his hand into her soft, dark hair and tilted her head back, burying his nose in the hot skin of her cheek, speeding up, stretching her weeping folds with a loud, lewd slaps of his thighs against her buttocks.

"− use full sentences −" He commanded, his other hand from her hip slid down between her thighs – she squirmed helplessly as his fingers sank again into her fleshy skin, sticky from her moisture, teasing her clit with circular, slow motions.

"− here − fuck me here, sir −" She mumbled with difficulty in a voice trembling with exertion, her cheeks all red, the beautiful curls of her dark hair clinging to her sweaty face – he felt with satisfaction that her hips began to respond to his eager thrusts.

"− good girl − that's my good girl −" He breathed out with a quiet groan of pleasure, seeing and feeling her walls squeeze his fat cock at his praise – he licked his lips thinking that Alys had never responded to him the way she did, so frightened and aroused at the same time, relying only on his mercy, his goodwill.

"− you understand that this is necessary, don't you? − that you need to be taught a lesson −" He muttered, feeling that he was losing his temper, thrusting into her so fast that he was barely slipping out of her, slamming into her again and again, his cock throbbing with desire, signalling to him that his peak was coming, her wonderful scent filling his lungs.

"− y-yes − yes, I'm sorry −" She mumbled out –he wasn't sure if she was saying what he wanted to hear or if she really believed it herself for a second, but she clamped her eyelids shut and spread her mouth wide, helpless, girlish, sweet moan of relief burst from her throat as she came, sucking and squeezing his cock, soaking it in her moisture. He sighed in relief when, after a few desperate, deep slaps he spilled inside her, feeling the wave of hot pleasure shake his body.

"− fuck − oh, God, little one −" He muttered, their bodies involuntarily moving for a moment longer, wanting to prolong this surprisingly shocking experience, both of them panting embarrassingly loudly, her body trembling all over – if his arm hadn't been holding her around the waist she would have fallen for sure, her legs completely numb.

He looked down at their joined bodies, his half-hard, throbbing manhood sinking into her again and again, all sticky from his semen and her wetness.

He swallowed loudly, sliding out of her slowly, realising now what he had actually done to her – he heard her quiet hiss of discomfort and sigh of relief, her face flushed from exertion and tears.

"− are you all right? −" He asked in a trembling voice, quickly zipping up his trousers, her shaking hands slipping her underwear and shorts back onto her buttocks.

"− y-yes −" She mumbled in embarrassment, horror and disbelief, not looking at him, in some automatic gesture reaching for her trainers, putting them quickly on her feet.

"Come back on Thursday as we agreed before." He muttered, feeling the rapid pounding of his heart and the panic rising inside him, a complete void in his mind.

What had he done?

"I can assure you that you will never see me again." She whispered in a trembling, broken voice, quickly put her backpack on her back and walked out, slamming the door, leaving him with complete silence, remorse and horror.

He pressed his forehead against the wall, hiding his face in his hands, and burst into tears like a small child.

How could he treat a strange, innocent girl like this?

What if she didn't take her pills, what if she got pregnant?

How could he have been so irresponsible?

What if she really does report it to the police?

I'll destroy her, he thought with a bitter certainty that, after a moment, turned again into terror, regret and shame.

He grabbed his phone quickly and dialled her number, wanting to beg her forgiveness, but she didn't answer. He sat down on the couch and drew in the air loudly, devastated, not recognising himself, realising what kind of man he was.

He laughed desperately, shaking his head, thinking with painful amusement how well she had judged him.

He didn't even have to pretend.

He was like Frollo.

_____

Author's note: Many of you may believe that Quasimodo is the best and most worthy of imitation character, not Phoebus, and this is true when it comes to the book, but I assume that if anything, Daeron at this age has only seen a Disney fairy tale, in which Phoebus is a handsome man with a noble heart. The whole idea of this scene, in which the heroine says that he will be her Phoebus and she will be his Esmeralda, is that Daeron wants to see himself not only as a person with a disability, but as someone handsome, a warrior that a woman could love one day. It's easy to understand how children's minds work and why his works this way, and his "Esmeralda" only wants to help him become the person he wants to be and encourages him not to give up on these dreams and this self-image.

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Aemond Taglist:

(bold means I couldn't tag you)

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[lurkingshan]

Random QL Grievances: 2024 Edition

For every superlative there must be an equal and opposite grievance. It's just science, the universe demands balance! So let's get into the Festivus spirit and begin the airing of grievances.

Most Infuriating Implosion of a Good Show: Last Twilight

When I think about how much I loved this show for the first 3/4 and how I felt as Mhok and Day watched the sunset on the cliff at the end of episode 9... we really coulda had it all. Justice for Mhok!

Worst Failure to Set Off the Chekhov’s Gun: Dead Friend Forever

Not only did they show me a dropped axe in the penultimate episode that never got picked up and used in the finale, they also didn't let me see Non's biggest betrayers die a bloody death. I had to watch Phee kill New and then get an ambiguously happy ending. Unforgivable!

Most Egregious Blue Balling of the Audience: The On1y One

How dare they build such a beautiful, careful relationship narrative and then just... not finish it. Not only did we not get an end to the story, we didn't even get to see Tian and Wang express their feelings. I will never forgive the creators of this show for playing these games.

Side Pair that Deserved Better: Arun and Tattoo, Jack & Joker

Where is their actual romance, show? WHERE IS IT?! You have a chance to make it right in the coming special and I pray you take it.

Messiest Show Built Around a Great Character: 23.5

The show was an unholy mess, but Ongsa (as performed by Milk) was the nerdy cringefail lesbian of our dreams. She deserved better!

The WHY?! Award for Blowing a Great Show on the Dismount: Unknown

I make this exact face when I think about how close this show came to perfection, and how needless the ending stumbles were when the book version was right there as a guide. What was the reason?!

The Everyone Involved Needs a Timeout Award: Jazz for Two

How did this show get made? I need a detailed explanation of exactly what they thought they were doing with this horrific depiction of a series of abusive relationships framed as romantic.

Worst Letdown for Me Personally: Wandee Goodday 

Will anyone ever make the fuck buddies to lovers BL of my dreams? It definitely hasn't happened yet. I am Plakao just making frustrated faces at everyone throughout this show.

Worst End of an Era: My Strawberry Film

What was the point of this show? What was it trying to say? I watched every single minute and I still have no clue. It gets bonus hate for ending the Drama Shower project on such a bum note.

Silliest Use of Lore: Sunset x Vibes

They teased us with past life dreams and gorgeous seascapes and Naga fantasies and all we got in the end was some ugly ass jewelry.

Noble Idiocy Hall of Shame: Blue Canvas of Youthful Days

I loved this show a lot, so you can imagine my dismay when they did a double noble idiocy + time skip ending. I am still so disappointed.

Petition to Free Ohm Pawat: Kidnap

To go from roles like Pat in Bad Buddy and Phukao in 10 Years Ticket to this... oh how the mighty hath fallen. I know my guy had some scandals but surely this was enough penance to set him free from terrible script purgatory. Right??