#FigaroxHook

[orleans-jester]

How strange was it that this was considered to be their normal? Nearly dying in a pixie world because of a blizzard. Now sitting in their skivies along with forest creatures, while trying to get an immortal little boy to fight with a grown-ass pirate with the most magnificent hair outside of a Brian Trenchard-Smith film.

“I know a pirate that says fuck, I’ll get him in for the job.”

Willem might not have had the time to react to what Hook thought was happening, but Figaro’s nose curled ever so slightly. Of course that would be what these ‘normies’ peoples minds went to. They clearly never took Clopin Trouillefou’s survival class.

But whatever, it was time to focus on the curse. One of the few that Figaro had remembered from that class. Halloweentown High hadn’t been all bad, really. The normal human high school wouldn’t have taught her how to do this, or how to give someone bed bugs, or how to make sure that they always, ALWAYS, had a wasp in their shoe. Magic was a beautiful thing - and as was everyone’s reaction to the gas-leak.

They haven’t enacted it outside of the class before. And oh, it was glorious. It was Beans’n’Weiners. It was Drunk Taco Bell. It was midnight curry. And then everything went mad like the Harlem Shake.

They got into it, almost as if they were a Lost Boy themself, blending in with the boys more than the pirates, considering the bare chest which was small - itty bitty titty committee - and the wild grin on their face as they were bitch-slapping and karate-chopping anyone who came close.

Falling back was hard, they got swept into the mess, but when everyone started going into their different directions, they’d stalk proudly over towards Willem, hairy messy, hands sore, legs getting muddy from all of the melted rain mixing with the dirt. “We did somethin’ alright.”

They saved a world. It might not be their world, but it was a world nonetheless. “Are we heroes?” They asked, after a moment’s contemplation. “Like actual … heroes. Dude. David Bowie clearly saw into the future and that song is about us.”

They weren’t shy about standing there in their skivies either. There wasn’t an ounce of shame on their face. Looking almost like a kid in a diaper with how it was still clinging, after being wet. “Oh yeah? That get your rocks off?” They laughed. “I’ll gladly do it again. That was the most fun I’ve had in ages.”

And still no shame, chin pointing up with pride. “The fantastic farts, I have to say, were a brilliant idea on my part.”

Everything was going to be alright. That’s how Figaro was taking this. Though Hook was very stubborn, with enough circle-talking, Willem should be able to get out of this alive. “If it comes down to that, Nelly and I will plan a whole badass rescue mission, don’t worry.”

But man did the idea of home make their shoulders relax. Home sweet home. Hansel and Diana and Mr Punch and the chatty little kewpies and the door clown. And a bed with comfortable blankets, oh yeah, they were ready to crash in that for a week.

“Lead the way, boss-man,” Figaro nodded, finding the mask that they had gotten rid of earlier and plopping it over their head. “Funkytown awaits!”

Seeing the forest creatures and Figaro even in the middle of what felt like war upon them gave Willem a small sense of familiarity that grounded him. It made keep his senses about him. Things were still normal. Things could still turn out okay. He was doing this. He was positive vibe and happy thoughting his way through the whole plan which he was now winging.

“Parrots talk back. It might distract him and keep him busy. Yeah.” He shrugged thinking it just might be crazy enough to work. His father had a tendency to talk in circles. He might not notice if he’s arguing something irrational with a parrot.

The conversation was going great. Warming up by the fire was working. The earth felt so good underneath as the water disappeared. Watching a naked Figaro with big ol’ squirrel listing off horror movies to help seemed like the most natural thing in the world when-

“Skivvies party?” Hook’s brow would go up in a pause.

There was a smoothing of the end of his mustache. “Oh. One of those.” He blinked a couple of times and carried on.

It seemed maybe he knew. But there was no time for Will to think about that. This is when Pan had gotten a hold of him. He couldn’t believe he let Pan get the drop of him to the point he was holding a blade to his neck. This wasn’t the position he thought he was going to be in when he signed up for going to Pixie Hollow. He stared down his father who was gambling with his life in their nemesis’s hands. When the Tink doll flew in and became the heroine of the moment switching it up it was a proud moment for Will. One of his dolls just saved him. It was a surreal feeling he couldn’t process yet that this doll was in the form of his mother.

The next thing he knew his rage was following through on a kick to Pan’s head. Then his father grabbed the boy up like a rag doll before he could gain traction or fly. He was putting his own hook to Pan’s throat reversing the whole situation on the kid, monologuing (because of course Hook was monologuing a grand triumph to Pan for catching him) when suddenly Figaro’s Fantastical Farts began their wonders.

At first it was just a gurgle in his tummy, but the smell was already offensive and even to stop ol James Hook’s in his monologuing tracks.

“And you will rue-” *sniff*

The Captain started to choke. His eyes started to water at the offense so foul his hairs curl. “You’ll rue the-” *cough*

Pan interrupted. He wasn’t getting through his statement much less his whole monologue. “I don’t feel very good.” He started to pull his knees up to his tummy.

“Daw. Does Pan need his mummy?” Hook started to mock since he knew that was a sore spot for Peter. “Daw. Smee? Call Peter’s mummy. He’s got a tummy ache. Oh, that’s right. Never mind. You cannot. She doesn’t love you anymore.”

Lost boys were running and flying trying to figure out how to best help Pan but mostly were getting off-set by the pirates.

Then the first stinker was heard.

The whole world paused.

All except for Figaro high kicking a lost boy which only amplified the pulverization. It happened so fast, but it was so amazing Will’s mind slowed the whole thing down like Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. His mind would have that on replay forever. Epic.

Everyone, lost boys, pirates, pixies, forest critters, were making sour faces as the smell hit. But it was nothing in comparison to the second wave that hit Pan. He shot like a rocket out Hook’s grasp with a force so strong he flew all the way back to the river. Pan splashed in the water and all the following toots keep him in a whirlpool fighting the current. This was all from the fart force gusts from his damn butt that ripped a hole in the back of his britches.

Everyone was laughing.

Will took that opportunity to distract his father.

“Come on. You got him good Cap'n. Let’s go and-” He patted his pocket to remind his father he had what he’d wanted all this time.

“To the Jolly Roger!” He called his crew, and the pirates started to fall back while the lost boys all went to Pan’s aid.

While all this was happening, the Fairy Queen was putting the giant sack of blue dust back where it belonged in the Hollow Tree. Periwinkle was able to witness that Willem gave it back and why. She was trying to get him the pardon her sister would have wanted, but she still had so much conflict in her head after seeing him kick Pan. It was a lot to take in at once for one frost fairy.

Willem stood there in the warmth of the new spring sun and watched as the lost boys tried to pull Pan from the water by air. He looked over at Figaro. He looked at his father leading his men back to his ship in the opposite direction, a long march. Willem knew he could fly there much faster himself than his father could hiking. He wasn’t worried about lagging behind. It was in this moment he realized they did it.

They actually did it.

“Did we just do what I think we did?”

They saved the Nevers. At this point no matter who held a grudge in the end they got the mission done. Delta sent him out with one goal and that was to figure out why there was endless winter and to stop the endless blizzard. The pixies could be mad. The lost boys could be upset. So could Pan. What was new? Even his father really. Since when did he not harbor complex emotions about James Hook? The never-ending great war was back on between Pan and Hook. The Nevers needed them to thrive. End of story.

Almost.

Now that things had come to a head he looked over at Smalls in their skivvies and couldn’t help but smile.

“That kung fu would have been hot if I wasn’t squinting through the stench of Pan’s innards.” He laughed.

“I gotta get to the Cap'n’s quarters for a meeting. See if I can talk my way out of a banishment on dead man’s rock again. I think I got this in the bag though. I’ll deal with playing ambassador to the pixies later.”

He kept touching his neck still able to feel the pressure of the blade against his skin.

“Drinking out of acorns is cute and all but I’m ready to be normal sized again. You want to stay in my cabin at the Jolly Roger tonight, get some rest, and finally make our trek back home? Funkytown bound?”

He missed Hansel so much.

Nelly made it back to his shoulder finally and sat pretty like his own little parrot. She’d been pulling wedgies, shirts over heads, and sticking lost boys or pirates with her little dagger amidst the chaos helping the team.

[orleans-jester]

Livvy would have rather Figaro and Willem just died instead of standing up close in their skivvies like this. That’s just the sort of jealous, neurotic kinda gal that she was, and she wasn’t the type to apologize for it either. But if she did have any clue that Willem was thinking about her in that moment instead of Figaro’s nearly nude body in front him, she would have been ever so slightly pleased.

Still shivering, though it was lessening slightly, Figaro would go looking for wood too. There were a few little creatures, poking their heads out as the warmth was bringing them out of their hibernation and Figaro enlisted their help in return for the promise of chest and tummy scritches.

“We’ll uhh-” They said, laying down some twigs. “- make a real big deadbolt for it to make sure that he doesn’t get out. With how pissed he’s going to be … we’re going to need more than Ioric. I’ll get him a whole damn menagerie in that room.”

Then they paused and looked over at Will, head tilting. “Would it be too on the nose to get him a parrot? Or is that just totally giving into stereotypes?”

They did give out a grin when they were complimented though. “It’s all the party rockin’. Helps the brain.”

A wave of butterflies, a sure sign of spring, like the first bluebells and pussy willows. Like squirrels fighting by your window when you were trying to sleep in. Like the first stream of birdshit on the window of your car. It was almost pretty. “Yeah, it was all Jim-Jam,” They agreed with Willem.

They chuckled, sitting criss cross apple sauce near the fire that Willem had started up, a couple of squirrels still coming along with pieces of wood to add to it, taken from trees. As they sat and warmed up, Fig gave them the promised tummy scratches, which took longer since they were bigger in comparison to usual.

“The desert?” They asked, amused, watching Willem basically make love to the ground. “Southbound. The Hills have Eyes. The Mummy. Hmm - there’s also Rubber, that one is great, telekenetic tire. Tremors too, obviously, can’t forget the Bacon. Guess that also adds Beetlejuice because they have a tremors-like scene.”

They were attempting to think up more when the feather-capped curly-haired man himself appeared, making them jump slightly. “Speaking of Jim-Jam,” They muttered, wrapping their arms around their chest. “Haven’t you heard of a skivvies party, Cap?”

That was a slight attempt to buy Willem a little more time to figure things out. Neither of them were expecting Hook to come to them so soon.

Whose team were they on, some might wonder. Captain Hook’s? The pixies? Maybe even Peter Pan because he had the right idea, who wanted to grow up anyway, especially in this economy? But the answer was simple. Fuck em all. They were on Wild Will’s team. No matter who they were fighting, who they were betraying, what was going on, they were on the side of the tinkering pirate.

They didn’t worry about putting a shirt on right now, the weather was too nice to think about covering up. What, was anyone here going to be offended by some nipples and armpit hair? No. Actually, it seemed to give them a little legroom with the squirrels, to see someone who had a little bit of fur, having a small conversation with them under their breath, getting them ready for an attack.

But not yet. They were holding back, forgotten, until Peter, Hook and Willem were through with this telenovella moment. Until the moment was just right. Tension. Figaro also had their eyes set on Peter, for hurting Will like that. And then they also muttered a small curse under their breath, one that had been taught at Halloweentown High School, an essential class, as a matter of fact, that was needed in order to finish their junior year. Sure, they wanted Pan to get out of this to keep the war continuing but … still, revenge was needed. Willem would understand.

This wasn’t a big Oogie or Maleficent or Delta kinda curse. Nope. This was just a small one - and one of Figaro’s favorites. Figaro’s Fantastical Farts, is what they called it in their mind. Pan’s stomach was going to feel real rumbly in a minute. Might even help him fly, the physics and everything.

“Watch my back, fuckers!” Figaro shouted, before running and did a full on drop kick towards an approaching Lost Boy who had come to help Pan. Still in their skivvies. Hair floppy and frizzy from airdrying. They’d kick the Lost Boys’ ass. They’d kick a pixie’s ass. They’d kick their own ass.

As long as Iorek would be proud. Everything hurt. Everything ached. Crevices of the body a person doesn’t notice were on fire. Ice almost felt like fire. Willem was having flashes of when the Cap'n threw him overboard in winter just to see how long he could doggie paddle before calling the crew the pull him out. It was a yearly test.

Willem watched as Fig took down some of their wet layers. He’d been trying to do the same without going full Neverland nudist colony. Then again maybe that was his ticket to big bucks? It wasn’t like the Never had one. He’d think about that later. Surviving was more on his mind.

There they both were down to their underwear and huddled up.

It was the sort of scene that would have driven Livy to lunacy no matter their survival needs. Willem was sure of it. Strange those thoughts still went through his head after all this time. It was a fond thought actually. Something about it made it feel warmer inside. It was just funny. Maybe because they had no one else they were allowed to focus on, no replacement yet, or maybe because it was just a fond memory.

He rubbed at Small’s arms in some attempt to warm them up before they headed off to look for that firewood.

“Good idea.”

Teamwork. Maybe if they all looked? He just also figured Nelly could fly further out. Maybe to some place drier far faster than they could ever reach anywhere. She was also helping Periwinkle so who knows when she’d be back. They needed to help themselves.

“The door. Of course. If everything goes to shit we’ll just lock him back up till everything is right again.”

That made him smile.

Suddenly his heart was lighter. He felt like maybe he could make something of this mess.

No.

He felt like the mess didn’t matter.

He was allowed to be messy.

He had a secret weapon.

It worked before. It would work again. When it was all said and done, he had a plan now. This whole thing could blow up in his face and didn’t matter. The back up plan existed.

“You’re a genius, Smalls.”

Nelly would come back with Periwinkle, and she’d be able to move a lot better than Willem or Figaro. She’d wasn’t completely immune, but as a winter pixie all this freezing didn’t wreak havoc on her like it did them. She came through, told them to hold on, and started to handle most of the fire gathering supplies with Nelly without too much trouble. She’d even hang their clothes for drying.

Truth be told Periwinkle wasn’t the happiest watching the winter disappear, but she knew it was for the best somewhere in her head. A part of her still liked the blizzard best. Watching her sister’s son go through all this in some attempt to save Pixie Hollow with his friends was the last thing she expected after watching him steal the glass coffin and blue dust. After all the rumors she believed the worst like everyone else. She had to embrace it a little. Okay, maybe butterflies were fun. She forgot how pretty they were.

“Look what you guys did!” She whirled around in the spring’s butterflies that were flittering about in the warm air trying to out power the last of the cold.

Willem looked over at Figaro as he crouched over pit they’d built and kept sticks. A little trail of smoke was sizzling up.

“Nah. The Cap'n did that.”

He knew Smalls would get it giving him the credit.

Then the fire sparked, and an even bigger smile spread, and he cheered with a small yes under his breath.

“Man make fire.” He said like a caveman. Then he threw his hands up in celebration before cupping them it for warmth. He quickly tried to help kindle it to help it grow and stoke it.

This whole process took so long, finding Peri, finding kindling, starting a fire, drying themselves, hanging up their own clothes to dry, the whole bit, that whatever lasting affects had set in were going ignored despite numbness, or tingling the feeling of the sun.

Pan’s sun was so magical the soppy ground began to dry unnaturally fast. Willem grew up in the human school and with human pirates. He might have grown up in Nola, but this was a lot of magic for one trip for a guy like him no matter how much his life had changed. He was amazed.

“Wow. Just fucking wow. What you got for desert horror movies, Smalls?”

He was starting to think they better be careful with their fire. It was starting to get a little too dry.

That is when Captain Hook came cautiously into the scene with a big, barreled gun, his floofy hat, and squinty eyes. It had taken so long Hook had hunted Pan all the way out there.

“Be careful son. Pan’s near. Pass the blue dust before he pulls a dirty one.”

Willem sat straight up in his shorts.

Will’s wasn’t the only face that changed. Hook looked at Figaro and his son. “Why is everyone in their knickers?”

There was so much what the all over his face.

Oh, dear Lord God Almighty. This was it. Dear Davey Jones. Will’s eyes were head light wide. He had a plan for that dust and in the course of things it looked like he hadn’t needed it for anything more than to get his father to believe he was on his side here. Go figure.

Now here he was face-to-face with what he never wanted to face. Even after he abandoned his father in the labyrinth Hook was speaking as if he still expected him to be loyal to him. Willem almost saw this as a chance to mend it. Spare himself the agony of what he expected. Maybe his father was testing him? Maybe his father was giving him one last chance? Did he want to take it?

If he gave him the dust that hurt Pixie Hollow forever. He already got what he came for. Pan was restored. The blizzard was gone. Pixie Hollow would be safe technically and the seasons would be normal for all the pixies again. If the pixies were safe, they would align with Delta and be allies with Feral. He would have done his duty. But what of his father?

His father would see him as a traitor if he didn’t hand over that dust. He may never want him to set foot on the Jolly Roger again. Nope. He couldn’t think that way. He had to cling to the door just like Smalls suggested. If this went wrong, they had the magic door. He was brave enough to kidnap Hook the first time. He’d summon the courage to stand up to Hook now. He might have been a pirate, but he wasn’t going to damage his mother’s entire hollow of people for this. His last thought was but Tink picked Hook and became Dusty Maroon. Maybe he’s supposed to abandon the Hollow too? Then he looked over at Periwinkle surrounded by too many butterflies after stoking that fire to help them when she wanted to give up too and just couldn’t do it.

He looked right at his father and handed the bag of blue dust over to Periwinkle and said to give it back to the queen.

What really got to Willem wasn’t the expected rage that did come, but the momentary expression just before it. There was bewilderment and shock. There was disappointment that showed his father trusted him.

Truly trusted him.

Never trust a pirate. His father taught him that rule. Not even your right hand.

“Curse it all. Wild Will.”

His father spoke too calm and too cool.

Too smug. Oh, that look. He knew that look.

“On guard sir!”

“Oh shit!” Willem scrambled in his skivvies and put his hands up. He looked around for a proper weapon his father prepared to duel him. He was being challenged for betraying his Captain.

“I don’t have a sword, Dad! This isn’t good form.” He called out.

James Hook did appreciate good form and paused. “Cover yer bum scallywag.” Then he tossed him a sword so he wouldn’t be unarmed. Hook himself was never unarmed with his hook and carried over weapons too. He pulled another smaller dagger.

“Damn it.” Will missed catching the sword unready for what his father was doing but got up and got minimal clothes on. No shoes. He was stalling trying to talk his dad out of this bullshit. Hook wouldn’t let up and kept pushing in closer until Will couldn’t continue to stall.

“FINE DAMN! Touche’ and all that jazz.” He picked up the sword reluctantly realizing he was really going to have to duel his father. This wasn’t how he wanted the day to end.

Then right as the pair were bent knees and clink clink swash buckling clank clanking back and forthing Peter came to steal the spotlight.

He grabbed Willem from behind with his blade to the throat and threatened Hook thinking he had a hostage he cared about.

Little did he know Hook was angry at his son and said, “Slit his throat. See if I care.”

Willem glared at his father like they were playing chicken with Pan whether they were going to let him do it or not. Pan had slit a pirate throat or two in his time and pirates had certainly put to death many a lost boy. It was hardly children’s game with what was usually at stake in the Never Wars.

Then right as Pan’s blade started to touch Will’s throat Hook’s Tinker Belle doll came flying in stopped Pan. Hook hit the doll flinging it away violent and snatched Pan’s hair.

“Got you now, boy.” Hook bragged.

He pushed him to the ground and laughed, but so did Willem much to James’ surprise.

No one really understood what Will was on.

Willem got very close to his father as they glowered over Pan together. The father and son gave one another a glance. It was a secret glance between father and son. Willem showed his father in that moment he kept a secret stash of blue dust for himself. He didn’t give it ALL back to Periwinkle. Then Willem would actually kick this Pan kid in the ribs after taking him by the throat like that.

Periwinkle would look back. She thought he was supposed to help Pan? What the snowflake were they doing? The whole crew was filling up the forest. Between pirates and lost boys her pixie mind was getting overwhelmed. The fairies of Pixie Hollow were going to get involved if they didn’t calm down. She wanted to stop and help but she knew she had to get the dust back to the Hollow Tree.

Willem let Periwinkle run off with most of the lot making her feel like she was saving Pixie Hollow. He got Pan and Hook back together to restart The Never Ending Great War to wake Peter up to end the blizzard and save Pixie Hollow and gain an alliance with Delta and Feral. He also did all this while boosting just enough blue dust for himself for later to make his father proud. It was last second idea to save his ass in this whole thing. Save his relationship with his father. Save his mother’s people and father’s reputation. He was trying to pull off a miracle and end up with both sides of his family on his side.

He wasn’t sure if Pixie Hollow’s queen would get pissy if she ever found out he took the blue dust later, but so far it seemed to calm the cold shoulder of his Captain. Now, he just had to get out of this predicament looking like he was taking down Pan without actually taking down Pan. Funnily enough a part of Willem had enough faith in Peter to think he might get out of this on his own somehow. He’d gone this long always finding a way out. Surely, he’d find one now. Surely, the fairies would forgive him for fighting back after being threatened by knife point. Willem was going for it. He was winging the whole thing at this point.

Then there was Nelly who started in on the chaos by knife fighting with pirates and lost boys all over the forest as the first battle of the New Great War began again.

[orleans-jester]

Figaro’s powers weren’t the most useful for this expedition, but they trotted along like they belonged there, just because Willem had wanted them there. They didn’t have magical light or magical wings that they could use to lighten up the darkness, but they did also have their cellphone so there was that, another light if they needed it. Still made them feel helpful.

“Gawsh,” Figaro said, in an imitation of Goofy. “Your wings are looking mighty pretty today, Willem.”

But there wasn’t much time for more compliments as the maze began to shake. They were a step away from pulling a Scooby Doo and jumping into Hook’s or Willem’s arms but instead they put their hands against the wall to keep themselves up. “Jinkies-” They groaned, putting their arm over their head for now, trying to avoid the soot that was falling down. Their nose wrinkled and they looked back to Willem to see if he was okay -

Only to see the familiar sweater, which made their mouth feel drier than anything. Of course they knew that sweater. They could list everything that had been in their father’s closet. Knew it better than their own, ol’ Gepetto had a snazzy-grandpa sense of style.

Mind games. Like the anime movie that they watched on shrooms once. They bit on their tongue to stop themselves from getting emotional at the sight of the outfit. Were they as over their father’s death as they sometimes pretended to be? God - never. That was always going to be the biggest pain of their life. More so than any of the friends that they had lost. Hell, if Fig had lost Willem too that night, they would have just walked off into the fog themself, having nothing left to live for. They never said that to Willem but - it was certainly a thought that had been in their head.

“Pull your bootstraps up to your nipples kid, we got work to do,” They said in their most authoritative tone, even if they were shaken themselves. “We’re in a place that would scare eight lives out of a cat in one shake, so we gotta be phoenixes.”

At least Hook had confidence - for now. Then that seemed to sink quickly as everything was becoming clear. Though this was obviously causing Figaro pain, and Willem pain, it was going to affect Hook the most. If only they could replace that hook with something like .. a teddy bear so he could take this test out on it rather than on Will.

They stayed in their lane for this one, though looked between the two like it was a tennis match. They were all ready to get up in arms when Hook yanked on the sweater though, hands up, fisticuffs, ready to give the one two if that hook slipped through the fabric and hurt Will.

“Oi, mind your business!” Figaro said back to the echo, not that it would do much good. It was an echo. It wasn’t the person saying the things in the first place.

Oof, they caught that motion and gave a subtle thumbs up in return, ready to leave, even if it meant leaving Hook behind. This wasn’t an Ohana moment, unfortunately. They had to leave family behind. Hook - and the Sweater.

“Peace out homeslice,” They said, before clutching onto Willem’s hand and going with the flow - right back out into the blizzard again. Without the mask on, it stung at their face, feeling like little ice swords were pelting their skin. Seeing Will in a worse predicament, they removed one of their layers, the bulky coat, and tossed it over to him. “We suffer, we suffer together, DaFriend.”

“It’s gonna take a lot of convincing,” They said, not exactly sure if Willem’s charm was going to be enough to get the task done. If only they could pause life and open a skill tree like in a video game and put more points into charisma for this. They secured the mask back on top of their head, their breath heating it up and causing that clammy latexy feeling that felt gross, but still felt better than the cold. “But hey - that’s only like four things. We got this.”

They squeezed his hand for extra warmth, not letting go, at least, not until it would get too cold and they had to bring their hands into the sleeves for protection against nasty, nasty frostbite. “I swear to fuck though, I never want to see snow again.”

Willem was more than grateful. He was keeping this adventure locked away inside with so many details in his tiny treasure chest full of special private booty for his heart only. Other details were the sorts a pirate like him would be singing sad tales of in his grog into the horizon while lonely at sea on his next adventure, or for him maybe lonely in the wall. Whatever works.

The pegleg. Willem didn’t even flinch. The language made sense to him. It didn’t seem odd coming from Smalls’ mouth. They had a way of understanding each other anyway so it just seemed to flow into things.

“Aye. That’s true.” He made note to talk to this pegleg next time he got a chance.

The monster mask was such a Figaro touch. It did not seem out of place to Willem in the slightest. It wasn’t questioned, just accepted.

Helm’s Deep, King Theodon, King Kong, Donkey Kong, Planet of the Apes for all he cared. Willem was growing quite sick of snow and cold truth be told. He wasn’t a fan despite this finding that he could fly better in than most of the other pixies. All he could think of was his Mom being a Tinker and her sister being a Winter fae and both being born of the same laugh somehow that science twisted into him being born a little of both when mixed with human DNA. It didn’t mean the cold didn’t get to him though. He was quite done with cold after all this drudging thank you very much.

Willem would grin when Hook made Figaro happy over pronouns. He had to laugh. He grew up with a father that used to say, “Females were bad luck at sea. Ladies were only good for letting them know which tea sets to pawn and a woman was what you looked for to pleasure what ails ya. A wife is for your land legs and your mate is for your life long adventure.” He’d reminded himself to tell Figaro that one when his father wasn’t around. He didn’t want to trigger anything while things were on the cool between them. He wondered now that the memory had been recalled what he thought of the old saying now that life turned out as it had with his mom as the mate he so longed for, but now wasn’t the time to ask. The memory did have smirking.

As it all went on it really was hard to get the visual of a dog peeing the dust tree out of Willem’s head. It being such a sacred tree it was a funny thing to imagition out in the middle of nature shooing all the animals away.

By the time the whole debacle at the tree ended and they made it back after tusseling with Zarina and Nutmeg in the tree, coming back empty handed the Hook boys were wiped. The dollhouse people were the big winners for this event. Ta Da! Blue Dust.

They’d taken care of Terrance and managed what Hook and Hawkins had not. Will’s eyes widened. So did Hook’s. They were all a crew. It was a win!

“Hello again Blue Dust. We meet again.”

The tingle of a villian’s plans being set in motion was all over Hook in the blue light from the glow.

“That is most cerrrrrrrrtainly the way to do it.” He felt like calling for Smee. But, Smee wasn’t here. He looked at his crew. He was the Captain after all. He straightened his hat. “Well done crew. Well done.”

Willem’s eyes widened, his chest swelled in that way a son’s only could when he was happy to see his father’s approval and pride, his friends’ acceptance, not only Smalls, but Nelly, one of his creations which his father hadn’t been too keen on and still wasn’t other than the Tinker Belle he’d been given at Christmas. Maybe she had been changing his heart? Or maybe the blue dust avenged was all it took?

That’s when Willem’s heart sank. He felt on top of the world for but a moment seeing the light back in his father’s eyes just like the old days. That is what he was trying to spark, right? The Nevers needed him to thrive? That was his theory. He was banking it. Then why did it feel so shitty when he realized to finish this out he was going to have to betray his father in the end? He had to save Pan, Hook, and the Nevers to save the Pixies, and keep the never ending great war going. He couldn’t believe it once he really stepped back in this moment.

No. No. He couldn’t stop and think. If he thought too long he’d coward out. No thinking. No thinking for the rest of this. He had to start thinking like Chip. Mission only. It wasn’t just follow the wind anymore. This was very deliberate. He was setting anchor right here until it was over no matter what feelings sprung, no matter what, no matter what, no matter what. Delta was counting on him too. There was a reason she let him in. It was time to prove himself worthy of Feral’s ring. Figaro and Nelly certainly were seeming to. Hook clearly had a role here in the Nevers. It was time to stand up into his.

Shiver his mother fucking timbers. Here goes nothing.

Will would lead Hook and the crew back to Pan’s labyrinth the same way they went in before with his magical key, but this time the world got darker as they stepped in. Willem held his phone on instinct. Hook was intrigued by the fact his son had even done this. He’d only come to realize he had any magic at all but a couple years ago and now they were in this place of legend he could only have dreamed of going. He wasn’t even sure it was real.

It still disturbed Hook somewhat when Will’s wings burst forth and the goldn light shimmered to create even more light around them just like Tinker Belle used to after believing his son got his genes all these years. He always hoped, but the older he got he gave that hope up. To even think his son had been hiding it was such a betrayal to get over the first time around in the infamous door. They’d managed to get over that. Willem wondered if this next betrayal was one that would be too big to bandaid. No. No thinking. He had to remind himself every time an intrusive thought came in. But, that was thing about Pan’s special labyrinth.

Their fears couldn’t hide from the labyrinth. They could try to keep them hidden deep in themselves, but the labyrinth always knew. The first time Will and Smalls came in they were only desperate to get Pan in and his only fear was that he couldn’t get in. He got in and managed his goal. He was so on task nothing was disturbed. Now was different. Now not only were father and son together on a much more challenging part of the mission, but Pan himself, the power behind the maze was hidden right inside with curse placed upon him almost like Snow White still in that glass coffin.

Captain Hook had so much evil villiany directed at the power itself it could only be activated. Then there was Will anxious as all get out despite his so called Wild reputation of failing his father after finally getting him back. The entire place shook and rattled like an earthquake. Nelly screamed like Little Foot and buzzed up to Will’s shoulder taking her place like Sock Monkey might. “Earthshake!”

Gravel and soot fell from overhead. “Head’s up.” He’d say trying to warn Smalls. It was only then he’d notice his clothing had changed. He was suddenly in Geppetto’s sweater and his favorite pants he wears while in the workshop tinkering on dolls and props. He didn’t even pack it. Yet there it was.

“Oh fuuu-”

He looked over at Figaro knowing they’d know what this was even if Hook didn’t. This place was about to play mind games with them. Then it dawned on him what he was told about the Lost Boys that were trapped there forever to cry out for mothers. Maybe fathers counted too? Parents? It preyed on their need to be loved, wanted by anyone other than Pan and his land of never growing up. The sweater? Was it trying to make him a man or was it trying to screw with his mind about his feelings towards who was the better father while Hook was right there? Oh this was fucked up. The dirt cave corridors started to turn into home hallways like Funkytown only long and winding, a maze that never seemed to end.

“Smalls. I don’t know how to get to Pan again. This wasn’t all here the first time.” Willem was trying not to panic. He was trying to think logically, but it was quite obvious logic wasn’t going to work in a place like this. Maybe that centaur, or hand eyes demon, or whatever the heck wasn’t too far out of the realm of appearing after all? At this point Willem had his guard up.

“I’ll sniff him out, boy. I always do.” Hook said with a most assured confidence.

That’s when the echoes would start.

“Is he really your boy?” - “Look at him. Just look at him.” - “In that puppet master’s clothes.” - “You call that your boy? Really?”

Hook spun to see Will in Geppetto’s clothes and his eyes fired up like the first time he told him he didn’t want to come home.

“Oh shit.” That’s when he realized this wasn’t his test. It was Hook’s. Fuck.

“Dad. Dad. Dad. This isn’t real. Don’t listen to them.”

Hook marched up and yanked on the sweater. “It feels real to me.”

Willem seriously did not want to strip right now over this. This was nuts. It was cold. They were in a cave in the middle of a blizzard.

“Puppet master! What’s that make Willem Hawkins Hook? His slave? I thought you were the Captain here, James?”

Oh, this place really was evil. If Wilem ever saw Pan through Hook’s eyes for once in his life he saw him now. Calling him by that name. He created this place. It might not torture with whips and chains, but it went right for a heart and tore it open. He knew he was all his father had left and this place was going to try and tear it from him when it stood right beside him? The scariest part was he nearly had to let it. Almost.

He was going to do his father one favor before he left him. He’d take off the sweater. A part of him told him not to in case it gave him too much hope later, but James never did have much hope or he wouldn’t be the miserable pirate he was today. Still, Will didn’t have it in him to walk away cold.

“Yeah, you can find him yourself… dad.”

Will left Hook with an inflection on that term of endearment. He could choose to interpret how he so wished. But, he looked over at Figaro with the key down low in his hand signaling it was time to leave after all. Change of plans. He was going to leave Hook in the labyrinth to find Pan. He could deal with himself. But, there was a sadness in Will’s eyes when they met Smalls’ because even though that sweater had been conjured by Pan’s magic somehow it felt real to him too and to take it off felt very symbolic and that hurt Willem very deep inside. He did not want to take it off.

He’d pull it off and drop it to the floor and let his father see. This gave his father a smirk making him think Will had chosen him until he said, “Goodbye Captain.” Then he’d grab Smalls’ hand and out they’d go in their own magical fashion, a way Hook could never leave abandoning him there.

Once they were out in the cold again the weirdest thing happened. He only had the thin shirt on that was worn under Geppetto’s sweater instead of the heavy coats and gear he started with. He came out in the outfit Pan had changed him into right in the freezing blizzard. He was seriously hoping that wasn’t Geppetto’s real sweater Pan managed to manifest into the maze somehow. He was going to be pissed if it was. He was going to be running straight to his closet when he ever got home again, if he ever got home again. If anyone was going to kill Pan it would be him if that sweater was gone.

“Well, that sucked.”

He was shivering in the Never blizzard and now they had to get back to Pixie Hollow to try and convince Periwinkle he was on their side right after he kidnapped Pan, they stole the blue dust, and brought Hook back to the Nevers. Plus, he was going to get frost bite. This was going to be great.

No thinking!

It was hard not to hear his father’s last yell of “Willem!” as they disappeared and as they carried on.

“Next phase. Find Periwinkle. Convince her we’re not the bad guys. Save the Nevers from this blizzard. Save Pan from my Dad. Not neccessarily in that order. Let’s go.”

What an adventure. He knew he was up for one when he left. He didn’t know Smalls was going to come with him when he first walked out Funkytown’s doors, but it sure is nice having them around every step of the way. He doesn’t even remember that Nelly was his childhood confidence as an imaginary fairy friend put into a doll anymore. It comes naturally to him to act the same with her as he did as a child like his own little Jiminy Cricket feeding his mischief instead of conscience. That memory faded with the magic that made her slowly as her life blossomed. That said having a flesh and blood friend is something everyone needs, something Willem always needed.

[orleans-jester]

Figaro was an eager audience to Willem’s practice of his new abilities. They thought it was damn cool every single time - and did have to once or twice distract Punch from trying to attack this tiny thing with an actual sharp blade. Got a cut right on the achilles tendon for that, so Willem better be grateful, but still. It was going to take a while to get over how damn cool it was that Willem could do multiple things now. Number one fan over here.

“You know who the right man to ask that question to is?” Figaro snapped their fingers, definitely thinking about juggling chainsaws and washing machines and knowing full well they’d give whatever cash they had left to see such a thing. “Piper’s dad. The pegleg.”

They didn’t say this like it was a bad thing. They just picked up on some pirate terms, hanging around Willem for so long. It was almost said affectionately. Of course the best friend - other than Thomas - of Flotsam was going to be fucking rad. Of course Piper’s dads were the coolest people that had ever set foot in this town. And of course Figaro had seen Clopin juggle and instantly saw a new idol.

Clopin jumped up to number two on the Figaro Admiration Scale. Willem was still number one. Figaro felt proud in their decision of best friend, that’s for damn sure. So they bucked up and dressed up for the next part in the epic saga that was Pixie Hollow and Peter Pan. They weren’t going to make Willem go through any part of this alone, and keep all of the excitement to himself.

Just this time, they made sure to wear long underwear for the blizzard. And a latex monster mask because it could get awfully warm breathing in those things, and the overheating was needed.

The blizzard was always the worst bit. Made Figaro happy that they lived in Louisiana rather than like - what was a cold place? - Finland was weirdly the first one that came to mind. Yeah, fuck Finland. Good music, but cooooold.

Through to the port and - that familiar old ship was there. The familiar flag was waving in the wind, proudly showing who was inside of it. Fair play to the pixies, it didn’t look like a necessarily good omen, that leering skull, but Fig always thought that it was cool, and a feeling of adventure and excitement filled their own bones seeing it once again. What kind of weirdo didn’t love a pirate ship?

“So it begins,” Figaro said in a very adequate impersonation of King Theoden at the Battle of Helm’s Deep - one which would have made Thomas proud.

The snow was still falling heavily and it did make tracking difficult because it felt like their tracks were covered within an hour, but it did have the usefulness of making everything feel quieter. Like a hush was put over everything. So when they did hear Hook’s muttering, it felt clear. There was no background noise to overwhelm it.

It wasn’t surprising that Hook just willy nilly said the words that killed the pixies around him. It was probably the biggest flaw in their species. Someone just had to say a couple of words and boom, like they’ve been Bloody Mary’d or Candyman’d.

Once they were back up to normal size, Figaro took off the mask and ran their fingers through their hair and gave Hook a wave, two fingers against the forehead like a sort of salute. “‘ello el-Capatino!”

After all they’ve been through and Figaro was dollhouse person? “Aww, they used a correct pronoun,” They said, putting a hand over their heart, touched by that. Person was better than lady.

No corrections or anything here. Willem seemed to be sliding through this conversation by the seat of his pants, and Figaro was the lint in his back pocket, holding on for the ride, nodding whenever Willem made a point. But when Hook went on about ‘We’re big they’re small,’ they did snap their fingers and point at him and say, “Oh, someone watched Matilda.”

Into the belly of the tree. “There’s a reason why dogs pee on trees,” They informed their company. “They sense the mysterious power and try to claim it as their own.”

And now it was like snarky tennis. Head moving back and forth as the spunky pirate fairy and Hook exchanged words. Insults. Their nose also wrinkled at the sex reference, and their hand went for their own weapon, which was tucked into a holster , just sticking out of their blizzard warmth. They couldn’t bring a chainsaw because carrying that through all of that damn snow would have been a nightmare, but they did have a Michael Myers style knife that they stole while looting a sushi restaurant while looking for the secret of getting perfectly sticky rice. Ready to stabbity stab stab if needed. One of the few times they’d accept being called a girl was if they were going to be the Final Girl in this fantasy horror movie they were filming in their mind.

But lil Nelly seemed to think that Willem had it covered, tapping on their shoulder like that, pointing to a glow. Now how was Figaro supposed to resist that lure? Damn, they really wouldn’t make a good final girl in that shitty but amazing IT Chapter 2, Fig would look straight into the Deadlights, with the way that they walked with Nell towards that mysterious glow.

Terrence. Little itty bitty Terrence.

“If you’re thinking of running, that train has sailed dude,” Figaro clicked their tongue, and together with Nell, they pounced like the cryptid and pixie doll they were.

With a hiya and a thwack and a pow - the two managed to get the bottle from Terrence. It wasn’t that hard, really. It was pretty damn easy. Figaro didn’t even use their knife, just held it in their mouth between their teeth like they had seen some of Hook’s men do. Caused a few annoying cuts in the corners of the mouth but that was the price that was paid for looking so badass.

“Oh, oh, I want to!” Figaro said, after seeing Hook’s scowl. There was just something funny about that expression. Then they held up the sacred dust, and imitating their favorite little angry doll, “That’s the way to do it!”

Zarina was heading this debate with passion. James couldn’t help but be all the more amused. His long game had really come to fruition after all? His son who kidnapped him in a magic door not so very long ago actually gave him Pixie Hollow after all those icky heart to hearts? He’d gotten through to the boy after all? He hadn’t been so sure when he stayed in Funkytown to play with toys and the puppet maker instead of coming back aboard the Jolly Roger. Hook had been biding his time, making due, setting course for new adventures. He was even trying to make sure Madam Medusa was cared for and all set up in New Zealand before he opened his sails wide to new seas.

The Neverseas were where his heart beat from. He could never deny it. It leapt out of his chest the moment Delta called on his dishonorable name. He felt his scurvy reputation rise in the call of this need. To say he hadn’t had the best year was putting it lightly. Bootstraps were tight and buckles were shined, hook firmly in place, sharpened, and he had every filthy scallywag in tow.

Hook was still after the blue dust. He thought he came to ambush his prize.

Then when he heard what the awful betrayal was his son had done come out of the queen’s own mouth it dawned on him for the first time why it was winter.

“I can’t believe he stole Pan from us in that weak state. He pretended to be our friend. We’re too weak for this. Winter all around. We have to get to the Winter Fairies right away. They’re the only ones strong enough to help us through this.”

“It’s in his blood. We should have known. I told you not to trust him. Dustry Maroon and Hook’s son. He wasn’t even a Trojan Horse. He was a straight up napalm bomb you let walk in and served up acorn tea!”

Oh, Hook with grinning with delight with every word he heard. Stole Pan? Weak state? My, my, my indeed. Blue dust was just beginning. Did his son really set up Pan for slaughter just for him? Waiting on him? What a gift his son was!

Yeah, that wasn’t exactly his son’s plan, but Hook didn’t know that yet. So, he was riding a high like he was heading towards Christmas singing It’s Mah Birthday in his head.

Decisions decisions.

Blue dust first or go find his son and Pan?

Willem was sneaking up around now with Figaro and Nelly searching for tracks of his father or any sign that they’d left the ship. It was hard to track when snow kept falling and covering up any traces neary as quick as they could be left behind.

That’s when he heard the fatal words whisper like heat that didn’t belong in this air, unnatural. “I don’t believe in fairies.”

“Fuck.” It made Willem shiver in a way it never had before. He turned his head and saw his father flick away a dead pixie off the top of guard tower branch before he could get away and warn the others.

“There he is. Dad. Shhh. Don’t say that.”

But, his voice only came out in bells while he was so tiny. Hook’s head zipped around trying to find where the new bell sound was coming from.

“Dad. Dad. It’s me. It’s us. Me and Smalls.”

But, as soon as he realized his father couldn’t understand him he knew it was going to be useless, so he Antmanned them back to human sized directly beside him trying to stay inconspicuous not wanting to be seen by more pixies.

Except… he did? He almost said it again but then-

“Will? Wild Will is that you?” He was whispering and squinting.

Of course James could translate bell fairy language. He’d been with Zarina and Tinker Bell for years. It never dawned on Willem quite like that.

“Oh, you have that dollhouse person with you. Hello again. You-you-you were small.” James tipped his hat and then went back to twisting the edge of stach as he was thinking. “Glad you’re here, boy. We can get the blue dust together. You and me. You really have Pan?”

Willem nodded his head, “Yes, we really have Pan.” No details added about that. He also hadn’t meant to let his father know he had more powers. Oops again. Willem’s plans didn’t always hatch the way he pictured them, but he was still sure it’d work out just fine. Faith and trust. He was holding onto that.

“I made a fairy dust tree before. I can do it again.”

“So, I’ve heard.” He wasn’t going to get technical on his father in the fact that Zarina actually did it. Now really wasn’t the time. If his father thought he could do it on his own now, more power to him. Whatever got him to re-start a war with Pan - wake that flying boy up.

This was already not going quite how he saw his original plan, but he and Figaro did say they’d wing it. It’s what they do. He wasn’t quite sure how he was going to get Periwinkle to trust him later must less the rest of the pixies when it was time to turn on Hook if he helped his father steal the Blue Dust now, but he didn’t see getting out of this either. They were going in in a blaze of glory and stealing from the Hollow Tree as a team with Hook, Nelly, and Figaro. Yeah. Right now that was the plan. For now.

“Well now’s the time.” Willem said. “If I know those pixies at all and they’re all at all meeting, only Terrance is gaurding that tree.”

Hook snorted. “I’m not worried. We’re big. They’re small and can weak in this weather. We can walk right up and step over them and they’ll be able to do nothing about it.”

Willem wasn’t so sure about nothing. They had powers even if they couldn’t fly as well, but Hook did have a point. It started to make far more sense now why Willem got away with Pan’s glass coffin so easily when the others could hardly fly or at least struggled far more than he in this cold. He had quite the advantage if his theory was correct.

It was almost that easy too. Almost. When they walked into the Hollow Tree it wasn’t Terrance waiting for them. She left the meeting.

“I had a feeling you’d try something like this.”

The pirate fairy, Zarina, Nutmeg’s mother drew a sword. Willem couldn’t help but notice that after all these years she still kept the fashion sense even after James’ betrayal.

Hook would snigger. “Thanks for bottling it all up for me… again.” He was taunting her already. Old jabs of the past would sting.

“That was to get it away from you. Not give it to you, you ol’ fleabag.”

“I remember well you nestled up with this ol’ fleabag and purred.”

Nutmeg gave herself away in that moment with an, “Ew” sound as she couldn’t help herself from getting squicked out a the thought of them together even while she was hiding waiting to ambush. This caused Willem to turn and point his knife in her direction.

Nutmeg raised her own. “Don’t think about it.”

While this stand off was happening between tiny persons and large persons there was Nelly who wasn’t a real fairy at all and the snow didn’t affect her in quite the same way either. Her magic came from the puppet master, the toy maker, and mix in a little pixie dust on top. She didn’t care at all about all these squabbles. She had a way of always keeping her eyes open. She noticed a glow coming from another direction. She tapped Figaro on the shoulder. She silently waved for her to come that way and they’d sneak off while Hook boys had their show down.

Low and behold there was Terrance in a small nook outside the tree holding another vial for dear life. He was the dust keeper. Nelly wasn’t sure if he had all of the dust or if it got split or the boys were about to fight over a fake, and she wasn’t even sure if it was best to let Hook capture the fake or not, but she wasn’t letting Willem get screwed. If he said he wanted to get the blue dust. She was getting him the blue dust. She looked over at Figaro and the terrified boy clutching his sacred dust. It was a ‘Let’s get him’ look if there ever was one.

This is when Figaro and Nelly would have their highjacking moment.

…

While Nelly took inspiration from the sock monkey and went straight for his face with his webbed feet like a suckerface alien the battle inside the tree would begin too. Even though there was magic involved eventually Willem and Hook would tromp away leaving their human sized footprints in the snow with their spoils.

Proving what Hook and Will were getting away with was a plant was that the mother/daughter pair went running to check on Terrance behind the tree instead of chasing after them. Of course after Nelly and Figaro got done with him what they’d find was hardly how they left them. He also empty handed of the coveted dust.

By this time Hook and Willem would be catching up to Nelly and Figaro who long left the area for safer grounds closer to the port of ship. Hook and Will would be bounding up all proud of themselves until Hook wanted to see his bounty and tried to pour a little of the dust out into the palm of his hand. It was just a blue jar. There was nothing blue in it. Sand filtered out. Hook’s face scowled quickly and he crushed the jar in his fist.

“Foiled.” He threw it off to the side.

Nelly looked over at Figaro. “You want to show 'em or should I?”

Willem tilted his head. “Show us what?”