#Fic idea reignition after pudding

[huh-1260]

Me *eating my pudding in peace*

My brain: let's share that one incomplete LU timeloop fic idea with Spirit Tracks Wars and Legend being the ones stuck in thr timeloop, and while Legend is trying to break the loop Wars is just chilling and using it to grow more as a person and finally find the way back to his train, and the giv takes place on the 20th loop and it starts in Legend's pov, getting everything ready for the Chain to come at his door, he does the same things but a bit better than the original time, and he expects them to go to Wars next, but they don't and Legend is panicking because "Where the fuck is the Captain?" Until they pick up Wars last, but he's known as Spirit. Legend is giving him the stink eye the entire time, and when Wars says a inside joke between them (because I pove Legend and Warriors friendship) from the previous timeloop Legend just stares at him the entire time until they have a night watch together and they both end up realizing that they're both stuck in a timeloop together and they have to break the loop

Me:...

My brain: And the title should be a train pun

[creamypudding]

Might just be real for a tick and vent into the ether.

I feel broken. Something deep in my head and my soul. It's different from the existential dread I had a few months ago where I felt inexplicably, bottomlessly sad. I'm not sad, but I feel empty.

It started with the loss of a long-held job. It was a stressful period where hope left me and I drowned myself in the banality of Netflix to take my mind off an uncertain and difficult future.

I found a job in a relatively quick time-frame (thank fuck) - a better paid job, so life is way better, and yet that angst and stress has ripped something from me, or at the very least knocked it out of place.

This was also right around the time COVID became a huge problem again for my country so I am happy to concede that maybe that is weighing on me too. It seems more serious now as the strains get further and further out of control. And in addition to this we are hurtling toward the—what feels like an almost inevitable—collapse of our environment and ecosystem so that really doesn't help anything either.

Life is pretty shit for the world. The future looks grim. The thing that brought me joy and sanity (writing) does nothing anymore.

*I* do nothing anymore. The idea of looking at anything I've written fills me with absolutely no want or passion. It's like a chore that I don't care to perform. Although I did have a mini spark today when I woke up from a tiny nap. I left my bed and headed for the living room where I had left my phone and by the time I found it all desire to dive back into a world and story I had immense drive and motivation for fizzled out like a Wyle E. Coyote bomb fuse that goes out just before it reaches the detonation point because that's just his luck.

I was half hoping that some enthusiasm would return to me on posting my latest story but the below luke warm reception, though expected because fish monster fucking is hardly anyone's cup of tea 😅, is still, as you might imagine, disheartening.

I'm not someone who generally needs to rely on outside motivation to keep writing because of how much I have always loved writing, but the passion has vanished so I am looking for any kind of outside spark, as it were.

I suppose that is because I can't remember my love for writing ever having been gone for quite this long. I remember that in the past I was burnt out from a long-fic. But that is a different feeling to what I am currently experiencing.

Burnt-out is an exhaustion. What I'm feeling right now though is that I just don't care and some days I find myself pulled out of my new hobby of looking after house plants (researching, gardening, watching informative YouTube videos) and I think to myself that I may seriously never write again because of how much I don't care about finishing my stories. Even my long standing passion projects. Though maybe it is a little bit more of an exhaustion when I think on my long-term projects. Hmm.

Generally speaking though, I just... Am fizzled out. It's probably overdramatic but at the same time... Life feels hopeless. Maybe I have fallen into another existential dread, afterall. Not that it matters. Wallowing only helps so much.

Useful things I can do for myself...

- Probably try and find a therapist to talk this out with for a few sessions at least. (Though it feels like this post is already going a good long way in fulfilling this bit)

- Stop tuning into the news on a daily basis. I have been consuming it way too much and while I think I'm fine, clearly I'm not.

- Maybe have a real talk with a friend. Like over the phone and not just text messages.

- Have a long, hard cry. I know I said earlier that I wasn't sad but as I've written this the tears have begun.

- Recognise that I could also be just fucking overly emotional lately because stress and change of routine and my menstrual cycle wreaking havoc.

- Exercise. When I lost my job I fell out of my newly-forming and very fragile exercise routine. I should really prioritise that.

And maybe once I do some or all of the above I can find myself again and reignite my passion and want.

Ok. Thanks for coming to the Pudding self-care talk. I think I got some stuff off my chest and figured out a practical plan of attack.