#Feels like i'm still in school working toward the next summer break. But there is no next summer break

[dew-moss]

Watching bojack horseman for the first time rn...

And as someone who spent 4 months in a psychiatric hospital when i was 19, i really felt that "i can't be fixed, you're gonna have to let me stay here forever" scene...

Anyway, 5 years later it doesn't feel that way anymore

But i still feel like i'm just waiting.. Waitung for the other shoe to drop, but idk why, what is it. Why am i waiting.

[youunravelme]

it's nice to have a friend

author's note: this is a little all over the place, but i saw a tiktok edit of seven by taylor swfit and then thought to myself, what if i ignore all my wips and wrote childhood friends to lovers with a hint of childhood trauma? and this was born. and if the timeline isn't perfect with reality, oh well. i'm but a human girl. also!! if you have ever experienced or currently experiencing abuse, please know that it was never your fault. you don't deserve to be treated that way.

pairing: mat barzal x reader

summary: wherever mat went, you were never too far behind or the one where you are childhood besties

warnings: cursing (as always), mentions of parental abuse and alcholism, tumultuous childhood, drinking, mentions of sex

there was a saying that floated around in your elementary, middle, and high school days, surrounding you like a warm oversized cardigan.

wherever mat went, you were never too far behind.

the saying could also be flipped, the two of you stuck to each other like glue.

mat, despite not being one for fights, had a bad habit of running his mouth whenever you were concerned. in fourth grade, he used newly learned vocabulary words to berate a girl who made fun of your beat up shoes and nearly got detention for it.

and you had a nasty habit of squaring up with anyone who looked at mat wrong, even if they towered over you.

your friendship worked well because of it.

age eight

you could remember summer days swimming in the pool with mat and liana, laughing as you and mat teamed up against his little sister until his mother scolded the two of you when she started crying.

but there was always a darkness that sat in the corners of your memories like fingerprints that had damaged an old photograph.

you didn't have to try to remember your parents' screaming and yelling at each other, just like you didn't have to try to recall the smell of alcohol on your father's breath. it didn't take any effort to remember the way your hands shook when you locked your room at night and climbed out of a second story window to go to mat's.

you could feel the splinters digging into your fingertips as you climbed the trellis up to his window. you could still feel the way your stomach dropped when you slipped and fell halfway up in the pouring rain, nearly breaking your arm in the process. you could still hear nadia come out and usher you inside moments before mat's eight year old feet came pattering down the stairs.

he didn't even give you time to explain, he just wrapped you up in a hug.

it took you that long to understand it was never raining, it was just tears.

the next week, you found yourselves at the park laying on your backs in the grass.

"what would you do if a genie gave you one wish?" mat asked out of the blue.

the summer sun kept you warm as the breeze kept sweeping in and blowing strands of hair into your face.

"get far away from here."

"would you bring me?" mat asked.

you turned your head to look at him only to find him already staring. "i wouldn't go anywhere without you." and you meant every word, spoke them with as much conviction as an eight year old could have.

mat reached out and squeezed your hand in his own.

"what would you wish for?"

he shrugged. "to be bigger."

you furrowed your brow. "why bigger?"

"so i could protect you better."

age nine

at nine, you and mat were playing cards in your room when the front door slammed. it was like you were on autopilot. of all the times that had happened, mat was never home with you. immediately, you were locking your door and shoving things in your backpack, pulling mat towards the window and climbing out as quickly as you could. the two of you ran to your bikes and biked all the way to an empty field where you collapsed in the tall grass and cried.

mat immediately brought you into his arms, hushing you and running his hand down your braids.

"what if--" he started stopped abruptly to clear his throat. "what if you stayed with me and liana and mom and dad? we could get bunk beds and a night light, if you want, and you wouldn't have to lock the door."

you just sobbed harder into his chest and shook your head.

it's not that simple, you wanted to tell him. but i wish it was.

age thirteen

you never moved in with mat, never got to get the bunk beds, but by middle school, your mom moved the two of you out of your old house. it was then that he started packing two lunches, one for you and another for himself.

things hadn't changed much since leaving your dad in that shitty house full of demons. you still spent most of your time at mat's house (your mom was working). still spent your saturdays going to his tournaments and games. you still cheered him on and let him cheat off your homework on sunday nights.

things shifted though, regardless if you wanted them to change or not. time, you found, never gave a shit about your opinion, thoughts, or desires.

because it felt like just yesterday, you were riding your bikes down the street, racing each other back home.

now, you were helping mat draft msn messages to a girl he had a crush on in your biology class. there was an uncomfortable sensation in your stomach that was comparable to the time you got food poisoning, but you couldn't place a reason for it.

you could paint the pink on his cheeks as the girl replied.

and you would've given anything to be the reason for it.

maybe it was silly, a small crush for the sheer convenience of it all. maybe it was the fact that he'd saved you so many times from the darkness that always seemed to follow you. maybe it was because he was a tether for you, pulling you back when you went too far in your head.

so when he laughed at something she said (which wasn't even really funny), you wanted to go back to the times the two of you would cloud gaze in the middle of the day just so you wouldn't have to be home.

age fifteen

you knew mat was a kind person, knew he was handsome and a good hockey player, that was never in question.

you just didn't realize other girls realized it too.

mat always walked in front of you in the hallways because he could make way through the crowds in ways you couldn't. (he grew like a weed over the summer and while you hated how you couldn't reach things when he held them above his head, you appreciated the way crowds moved out of the way for him).

you were used to him being in front, his grip light on your wrist as he tugged you behind him. you weren't used to walking behind his new girlfriend, chloe, who had the honor of walking beside him.

mat used to tell you how much it irritated him that people would take up so much space in the hallway and make it impossible to move around them.

but there you were, an awkward moving triangle of your best friend, his girlfriend, and you trailing pathetically behind.

chloe was cool. she never felt threatened by your friendship with mat, which might've hurt your feelings if you were delusional. you knew you had no chance with mat, so you'd take him in whatever form you could get him.

lately, that looked like spending time with liana in the stands at mat's tournaments. you would both do your homework before dissolving into gossip sessions while you braided her hair.

chloe even showed up for some games, smiling and cheering as he played. at one game, he scored and came up and tapped the glass in front of you, pointing at you and smiling.

they broke up two weeks later.

age sixteen

you openly cried when mat left for seattle. you were used to times when mat had hockey camps and would be gone for two weeks, a month at a time. but he would be gone indefinitely now.

and leading up to the day he was leaving, you thought it would be harder on you, considering mat hadn't shown anything but excitement. but when it came time for him to leave, he wouldn't let you go.

both of your moms had to pry you apart with promises that he would call and text as soon as he got to seattle.

and he did.

he hadn't even gotten into his new home when he was facetiming you.

you did your best to smile as he showed you around his new place, but your eyes were watering still. he was indefinitely two and a half hours away from you.

"you okay?" he asked when you stopped responding.

you gave him your best smile, but knew he wouldn't buy it. "just miss you is all."

he nodded, eyes going blank for a second before you saw water appear in them. mat wasn't as emotional as you were, and he for sure wasn't as teary eyed as he used to be when you still lived with your dad, but his eyes were watering all the same. "let's just treat it like summer camp," he said. "i'll be back before you know it, and if you need something, you can always call me."

you had no intentions of calling him with your problems, but then your dad showed up at your house screaming and beating the door and calling for your mother while she was at work. the doors were locked, he had no way in, and the police were on the way, but your hands were still shaking.

you couldn't run to his house to hug him anymore.

so you called him sobbing.

he picked up on the second ring.

he was lounging in bed, playing call of duty or something like it. "hey--" he cut himself off and paused his game, jumping out of bed. "what's wrong?"

"my dad," you sobbed.

mat was back in coquitlam in three hours, holding you tight to his chest and rocking you back and forth. you were openly weeping into his shirt, clinging to him. you weren't gonna let him go, and mat wasn't willing to give you up either.

you and your mom spent the night at the barzal's, with her taking the guest room while nadia brought a twin mattress into mat's room under the pretense that you would sleep on it.

you didn't.

everyone knew that you got into mat's queen sized bed and clung to him all night long.

just like everyone pretended that mat wouldn't have to leave in two days to go back to seattle.

just like you pretended like you wouldn't absolutely shatter on impact the second he left your sight.

age nineteen

when mat was drafted to the islanders, you stopped breathing. sure, it was dramatic, but you only moved into vancouver for school.

mat was moving across the fucking continent.

but he came back to seattle, and for a moment, the world was right again.

until he went to new york full time.

and the full weight of his absence hit you like a damn eighteen wheeler.

you'd watch him on the tv, when you used to watch him live in much smaller stands. you used to use puff paint to make t-shirts with his name on it, now they were selling his jersey in the arena he played in.

he didn't pick up the phone as much as he used to. he would respond to your texts days later until you stopped texting him altogether.

you should've seen it coming, especially when you saw him hanging out with instagram models and going out to bars. were you really expecting him to sit at home and wait for you to call him with a panic attack?

you had to get a grip.

so you did.

you threw yourself into your studies, pretending you didn't know his game schedule or stats. and when a cute boy named thomas came along and took interest, you allowed him to get to know you better.

you told him you grew up in coquitlam, that you were an only child, and your favorite school subject growing up was english.

(you never told him that your favorite color was the shade of mat's eyes, that you haven't spoken to your dad since the night your mom left him, or that every night, you fall asleep to career highlights of the best friend you haven't spoken to in months).

you learned he was a business major, something that should've been a red flag, but you were so focused on proving to yourself that you could be loved, that you overlooked it.

you went on dates, had sex, made plans for the future, met each other's families.

but he never met the barzals, despite the fact that you could drive to their house blindfolded.

no, they felt like a precious secret. the world could have number 13, they could have the calder memorial trophy winner, but you would not allow them to have the little sister whose hair you braided, the mother who brought you inside after you wrecked her trellis, the father who covered your scraped knees with bandaids and neosporin when your biological one was drunk at 2pm.

you might have lost mat to the awful curse called distance, but you would not lose his family.

you couldn't afford to lose them too.

now thomas, you lost a month after you turned twenty when you found him balls deep in your freshman roommate.

you went back to your apartment and cried, because it hurt, but mainly because you realized how alone you were. you had no one to call other than your mom or liana. but liana didn't even know about thomas, and your mom was dating a new guy now.

your thumb hovered over mat's contact for five minutes before you locked your phone and just went to bed.

age twenty-three

you were single for a whole year before you met dawson. his brown eyes and salt and pepper hair captivated you.

you were hooked, despite the seven year age gap.

he gave you the number to a good psychologist to help you work through your past and was willing to listen to you talk about it or sit in silence when your therapy session was emotionally exhausting.

he remembered your favorite flowers and brought a bouquet of them to your college graduation and kissed you in front of your mom and the barzals (minus mat, but that was a given at that point).

and on your twenty-third birthday, he proposed.

you said yes while actively trying to forget the dreams you and mat had when you were six.

you were building a fort in his bedroom with thumbtacks and blankets and sheets you'd stolen from around his house. when the project was complete, the two of you found yourselves laying in it, staring up at the blanket canopy shoddily held up by thumbtacks pushed into the wall.

"do you wanna get married?" mat had asked randomly.

"only if i get to marry you," you replied.

mat smiled a toothy grin, it was the only time you remembered him having imperfect teeth, given that he'd just lost his two front teeth. "i thought the same thing!"

and it was the most honest you had ever been. though, that wasn't a strange concept, most people were the most honest when they were either children or drunk. and considering you stayed far away from alcohol (guided by the anxiety in your stomach and the advice of your therapist), your childhood memories held the most truth.

despite not having seen him in years, you still thought of him often. you tried to see if you could remember the sound of his laugh without looking up an interview. you tried to recall the way his hair felt through your fingers.

but you couldn't.

it was crazy how much he meant to you as a child, how you still remembered the order in which he ate his breakfast, but you hadn't spoken to him in years.

you found yourself sobbing at the kitchen table one night as you poured over who to invite to the wedding. liana was a bridesmaid, mike and nadia had to be invited.

but what about mat?

you felt sick to your stomach at not inviting him. when you were in high school, when you'd gotten a grip on reality, you believed he'd walk you down the aisle in lieu of your piece of shit father.

but you hadn't spoken to him in so long.

though you couldn't imagine which would suck worse, not inviting him, or mat rejecting the invitation.

that was how dawson found you, sobbing over photos from your childhood that you wouldn't let him see. and when you tried to talk to him about it, he suggested talking to your therapist.

he broke off the engagement two weeks later. he said he didn't feel "the spark" anymore.

age twenty-four

you'd been out of college for two years now and all you had to show for it was debt and a stupid piece of paper. you were working in a coffee shop ten minutes from your mom's house and wishing you could've gotten out of coquitlam like mat did.

maybe this was your cursed existence, going to the grocery store wondering if you were going to ever run into your father again.

you'd just gotten off your shift at the coffee shop when you stopped by your local grocery store to pick some things up for dinner. it was supposed to be a normal day, but you turned the corner out of an aisle and damn near ran into someone.

"sorry, my bad--"

you looked up and suddenly the earth stopped in its rotation. you hadn't seen in him years but you'd know him blind.

his hands were around your elbows, keeping you upright. his touch almost burned you. it was an uncomfortable feeling, like putting on jeans you loved and realizing they don't fit anymore.

you pulled away, ducked your head, and started walking the opposite direction without another word.

but you should've known he would follow you, like a moth to a flame. or maybe that wasn't the right analogy, you were used to being the bug while mat was the light of your life.

but he followed you like there was a string attached to your wrists and he wasn't used to you pulling in an opposite direction.

he managed to catch up to you in the self care aisle right in front of the menstrual products. any other man you'd known would've shied away from standing in front of the tampons and pads as you deliberated which products to get, but mat's eyes wouldn't even leave your face.

you should've known he was going to come back eventually. you'd avoided seeing him in the offseason pretty well considering you were off doing internships and working out of town in the summer.

but now you were stuck in a dead end job with no passion for anything anymore, feeling more alone than you had ever felt before.

and because nature or god or the universe hated you, naturally, that was when mat showed back up.

when you had nothing to show for the years you didn't speak.

you could see the wheels turning in mat's head as he tried to think of something to say. it was an interesting turn of events that simultaneously sent an ache straight through your heart. when you were kids, he never hesitated to say exactly what was on his mind. now, he was deliberating.

"you wanna come over for dinner?" he asked. "mom's making tomato soup and grilled cheese."

you wished you could've denied him, it would've been smarter in the long run. mathew michael paul barzal could get you to do anything, and you hated that even after all those years, he still could.

you found yourself sitting at his old kitchen table surrounded by his family, dipping your grilled cheese into the soup like you were six years old again.

except the difference now was you were laughing with liana, sitting next to liana, instead of mat.

you'd occasionally meet his eyes from across the table, but it wasn't the same.

when you were kids, you sat next to each other at every opportunity. when you were kids, mat pretended to steal food off your plate. when you were kids, you knew everything about each other.

but you were adults now. and he was effectively a stranger you knew too much about.

after dinner, everyone scattered. you tried to leave, but mat caught up with you.

"what're you doing tomorrow?" he asked.

"working," you replied.

he nodded and looked around. "can i see you?"

you wanted so badly to say no, that you were busy, but as much as you wanted to pretend that he didn't, mat knew you better than anyone else, even if he had been absent for five years.

you ended up going for a walk in the park the next day, deciding that getting dinner wasn't worth the headache of mat getting recognized.

his hands were shoved in his pockets with a baseball cap pulled down low over his face. if you were brave enough to look over, you could still see his eyes taking glances at you.

"how's your mom?" mat asked, immediately jumping into topics you'd planned on ignoring.

you shrugged. "fine."

he nodded and scuffed his feet along the sidewalk. "how have you been?"

"fine." you sighed and pinched the bridge of your nose. you didn't mean to be cold, you meant it even less when you looked over and saw mat desperate for connection with you again.

in the end, you could never really deny him anything he wanted.

"life sucks right now," you admitted. "feel like i've wasted my life away here."

mat nodded along. "didn't you say your genie wish would be to leave?"

"i think my words were to 'get far away from here.'"

"you know," he started. "new york is far from here."

you couldn't help yourself. you looked up at him and saw the beginnings of a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. "are you being serious?"

he nodded. "as a heart attack."

could this be the moment? the moment your life suddenly comes back into color? things haven't felt right since mat left for new york, and maybe moving, being with him all the time, would fix whatever existential crisis you were currently having.

the two of you were packing up your childhood room a month later .

you were on a flight to new york city two days after that.

mat was bouncing on his toes when he picked you up from the airport, having come home a few days early to get his apartment set up.

"you have to meet tito," he said as soon as the both of you got in his car. "you'll get along just fine. my childhood best friend meeting my other best friend? things couldn't be more perfect!"

you smiled though you felt like dying inside. no wonder you two lost touch, you were too ashamed to message him and he was too busy befriending his entire hockey team.

the apartment itself was large. larger than you could've ever afforded, even in coquitlam. mat brought your bags to your room and gently placed them on the floor.

"do you need any help unpacking?" he asked.

maybe a bitter part of you wanted to say no, but you'd waited for this moment for years. you nodded and mat's face lit up like a christmas tree.

while he was putting your clothes away in the dresser, he told you about his team, about his career, and all that you missed. he tried to ask about your life, but you kept up the story that nothing much had happened to you. and for the most part, you weren't lying.

you hadn't spoken to your dad, you hadn't dated anyone seriously in the last year (you conveniently left out the failed engagement. you just got into town, and couldn't afford a plane ticket to fly back to coquitlam just to bail mat out of jail).

but mat was more than content to listen to your work stories from when you were working at the coffee shop. he asked questions along the way, and momentarily, it felt like everything was headed back to normal.

you shooed him out of the room so you could shower. it was kinda incredible how a nice apartment meant that his shower was better than any other one you'd ever had growing up. when you stepped out into the nicely updated bathroom and changed into some gym shorts and a t-shirt, you felt the full weight of your insecurities hit you all at once.

your mat lived down the road from you. he had a twin bed until he was fifteen when his mom could no longer ignore the way his ankles hung off the end. he had posters of sidney crosby hanging up on the walls of his bedroom.

but this mat had expensive bathrooms and egyptian cotton sheets. you didn't get to see it yet, but you were willing to bet he had state of the art kitchen appliances that he didn't fully understand how to use outside of making eggs.

you were fully ready to walk into the living room, where you heard mat clicking through what must've been streaming services (because he could afford all of them), and tell him moving here was a mistake. too much had changed, he didn't know you anymore.

but you walked out and saw blankets and sheets strung up, pinned to the walls with pillows on the floor.

almost on cue, mat's head popped out from the makeshift fort, a bright smile on his face. "i don't have bunk beds, but i thought this would be a nice alternative."

you could've cried. you almost did.

but you sat down on a pillow and watched a movie with him instead.

two months later

mat had introduced you to anthony the second week you lived in new york. anders and matt you met the next week. the rest of the team you met over the course of the two months you'd lived with mat so far. they were all nice, and you could see why mat was so enthusiastic about his job, his passion for the sport aside.

you met his "not-girlfriend" as tito called her the day before. ashley was nice enough, but clearly not in the same tax bracket as you, who had recently gotten a job working at an indie bookstore while you worked on grad school applications.

you pretended to be too busy to notice the ache in your chest when he held her hand, remembering chloe and the nasty sensation internally of insecurity bubble up. you weren't dumb enough to not know you were jealous, insecurity was a closer friend than mat was, you'd known her longer.

and if comparison was a sport, you'd be making more money than he was at this rate.

because if it wasn't the way ashley laughed, it was her smile, or her stomach, or the gap between her thighs.

or the fact that mat looked at her with something more than a savior complex.

you stupidly agreed to go out to a bar with him, ashley, and a few islanders that night. it was dumb, you knew that going in, but you were finally with mat again, why wouldn't you spend every free moment with him?

it turned out to be a mistake.

you were left sipping a diet coke by your lonesome while he was dancing with ashley. you knew you shouldn't have done it, it was a bad idea, but you found yourself at the bar asking for a shot of literally anything the bartender would give you.

but anthony slid into the seat next to you a beat later and fixed you with a knowing look. "where's your diet coke?" he asked.

your mouth dried up when the shot was placed in front of you. your heart was pounding and for a moment, it felt like you could've thrown up.

when you didn't respond, anthony nodded and stood up. "wanna go take a breather?" and he sounded so genuine that your eyes immediately welled up with tears as you nodded.

the two of you walked outside and stood in the cool air, letting the wind hit your wet cheeks.

you looked out onto the street while anthony texted on his phone. "do you want to go home?" he asked as soon as he slipped his cellphone back into his pocket.

you shrugged. "i don't know what i want."

that was a lie. you wanted to go back to a time where mat was just your best friend, before he was number 13 for the islanders, before he won the calder memorial trophy. you wanted your best friend, the one who raced you down the neighborhood streets on bikes, who drove three hours to see you when you had a panic attack.

you wanted a childhood that wasn't tainted with the darkness of your father's mistakes. you wanted to be able to go into a room and not immediately check if you could lock the door. you wanted to be able to fall asleep in a dark room without being deathly afraid.

mat was outside a second later, huffing and puffing like he'd just run a mile. his gaze was fixed on you almost immediately, while he ignored the way ashley hung off of him. "what's wrong?" he asked. he even went as far as to pry ashley off of his body so he could frame your face in his large hands.

in the corner of you eye, you saw anthony usher ashley back inside while you and mat had a staring contest. "what happened?"

you shook your head and tried to speak, but more tears spilled out. mat nodded and pursed his lips before grabbing your hand and walking you home.

he didn't say anything else until the front door shut behind you. you had no intentions of staying in the common area, you just wanted to curl up in bed and cry yourself to sleep out of shame and pity.

"what were you doing at the bar?" mat asked before you could go anywhere. "you still had diet coke in your glass."

your throat seized up at feeling caught, but you stood your ground.

"i didn't think you drank," he continued. "mainly because--"

"because my dad's an abusive alcholic? yeah, you don't need to tell me that, mat, i already know."

"so if you know that, why did tito see you order a shot from the bartender?"

you threw your hands up in the air and shrugged. "i don't know, mathew. why do you invite me to bars when you know i don't drink?" he didn't have an answer. "you don't get to shame me for considering having a drink when a bar is the only place i get to hang out with you during the season!"

"that's not--" but he cut himself off. "what're you talking about?"

"i hardly see you! why did i move across the continent if i have to go to a scary place just to spend time with you?"

"i--"

"i mean it's not fair, you left and now i have to pay the consequences of it--"

"i'm sorry, what?"

"you left--"

"i heard you. did you forget the part where you stopped contacting me?" you rolled your eyes to keep yourself from crying even more. "uh uh, don't do that. don't blame me without taking accountability for this friendship ending."

you blinked.

but mat wasn't done. "because i always called you back when i missed your calls. you were the one who stopped texting me."

"you were too busy!"

"i'm in the nhl! did you expect me to just be laying around my apartment all day? i have practices and meetings and games at weird times, but i always made sure to get back to you."

you said nothing, the tears welling up behind your eyes, but you kept them in. the verbal lashing from mat was enough, you didn't need to further embarrass yourself by crying too.

he kept going, yelling and waving his hands around, occasionally pacing and dragging his fingers through his unruly hair.

but you zoned out.

you could hear glass bottles rattling as your father came up the stairs. you sat on your bed, hoping to god he'd just keep walking. mat was out of town for a tournament, and you were grounded.

your dad stopped at the top of the stairs and looked at you. your heart was racing in your chest and you wanted nothing more than to text mat, but your mom had your phone. "what're you lookin' at?" he slurred.

it was only 1pm.

and your mom was still at work.

but he apparently didn't feel like bothering you because he turned into his bedroom and shut the door.

you could feel the air release from your lungs before you went back to reading your book.

but the peace never lasted long. thirty minutes later you could hear him yelling and screaming obscenities before he opened his door. you launched yourself out of bed and slammed your own door shut, quickly locking it with an efficiency you'd learned at a young age. the door handle rattled and you flinched backwards, nearly tripping over clothes on the floor.

but you weren't a stranger to this situation.

you opened the window and climbed out.

but he was ready for you this time because he was at the front door screaming at you as you rode away on your bike.

you didn't stop pedaling until you got to the park where you collapsed on the grass and cried.

something in your face must've changed, because mat stopped yelling and looked at you, really looked at you.

"hey," he said, voice much quieter than before. "where'd you go?"

you shook your head, tears falling down your face uncontrollably.

"don't do that," he said. "don't shut me out." mat took a step closer to you, but you immediately stepped backwards. he breathed your name, but something in his eyes shifted, like he could read your mind. "i'm not him," he whispered. "i'm not your dad, i'm not going to hurt you. you know me, you know i wouldn't do that."

"you left," was all you could say.

mat nodded. "i did, but i didn't leave you, okay? i would never leave you." he closed the distance between you and held your face in his hands, his thumbs wiping away the constant flow of water from the corners of your eyes.

"but--"

he shook his head. "no, you mean too much to me to leave you, okay? you're my best friend. if you had called me and needed me? i would've been there as soon as i could."

"you would've been too busy--"

he pulled back, a bit bewildered. "when have i ever been too busy for you?"

you held your tongue, knowing that it wasn't him per se.

"what is it?" he asked, his eyes searching your own. "what aren't you telling me?"

so you told him about how you hadn't talked to your dad, and even though you were thousands of miles away, you were still scared he'd find you and ruin your life even more. you told him about thomas, about how you thought he could be the thing that fixed you, but he cheated on you.

you told him about dawson, who was older and more mature. you told mat how dawson got you going to therapy which you thought was a good sign, until you realized he never actually wanted to talk about your bad days. he proposed, you said yes, and then he broke off the engagement when he saw you sobbing over invitations.

your eyes were too blurry to see the way mat's jaw clenched, but you could feel him pull his hands away.before you could even stop yourself, you stretched out for him, but he was just out of reach.

"mat, what," you weeped. "what's wrong?"

"you were engaged?" he mumbled. "you were engaged and didn't tell me?" you expected him to look mad, but the only thing reflected in those deep brown eyes was hurt.

"that's why he broke up with me, i was crying over childhood photos while trying to figure out if i should invite you even when we hadn't talked in years." you shrugged pathetically and gave mat a watery smile. "guess he thought it was too immature of me."

mat's hands were clenching and unclenching by his side, like he couldn't decide what he wanted to do with them.

"please don't hate me," you whispered. "i don't think i could handle it if you hated me." but he didn't say anything, mat just resulted to pacing the living room. "i think my dad fucked me up beyond repair." your eyes never left his profile. if he wouldn't look at you, that was fine, you'd continue to stare at him. "i think i'm too codependent and messed up for anyone to love me." mat's head snapped up at that comment.

"i mean," you continued. "i wasn't enough for my dad to get sober, i wasn't enough to not get cheated on, i wasn't enough for someone to marry me. maybe it's not them. maybe i'm the issue."

"no," he said immediately, shaking his head in the process, crossing the room until he could pull you into his chest. "no. that's not true."

"yes it is! my dad doesn't love anything more than alcohol--"

mat cut you off. "anyone would've been proud to have you as a daughter."

"thomas wanted my freshman roommate--"

"thomas was an idiot."

"dawson couldn't handle me when i wasn't happy--"

"fuck him too. he was thirty dating a college student."

"and you left and i--"

mat pulled you back far enough to look you in the face. "and if i could do it all over again, i'd take you with me." he pressed his forehead against yours. "here's what we're gonna do, we're gonna make a fort and watch the mighty ducks. and tomorrow, we're gonna find you the best therapist money can buy and set up an appointment because i don't like you talking about yourself this way." your stomach twisted at the idea of therapy, hesitant because of dawson-- "and i wanna hear as much as you're willing to tell me, okay?"

you nodded.

"now, i need to see you smile so i know we'll be alright." you gave him a watery smile right before he pressed a kiss to the top of your head. "there she is."

you held onto each other for another minute before reluctantly letting go to gather blankets and pillows.

four months later

you hadn't been able to make it to many of mat's games until tonight when they played the devils at home. you sat with sydney and grace and their kids.

earlier that night, you'd gone to your therapy session and cried your eyes out. after years of feeling like you weren't a human being worthy of love, you just started seeing value in just existing.

and mat was as supportive as ever. he gave you space after therapy sessions to process until you were ready to talk to him, if you wanted to. the two of you made plans to hang out at cafes and central park rather than at bars every weekend.

"look at your man go," grace nudged you with her elbow. "he's feeling good tonight."

"i'm sure it has everything to do with you being here," sydney commented. "i've never seen that man more in love than he is right now."

you could feel the heat crawl up your neck as you shook your head. "he's my best friend."

"a best friend who loves you so much, he's willing to keep things platonic for your sake."

almost immediately, an insecure thought popped in your head, but you stopped it in its tracks, imagining the thought on a conveyor belt, moving down the belt until it was out of sight completely.

your shoulders relaxed.

you deserved to be loved, and it if was mat, great.

if not, you'd still have him as your best friend.

a buzzer sounded through the arena and a quick glance at the ice told you all you needed to know. mat was skating into a cluster of his teammates, smiling wide before pointing up at where he knew you were sitting.

grace and sydney jostled you around a little while fans, male and female alike, screamed at the idea of the mat barzal pointing at them.

when the game ended (5-4 with the islanders win), you followed sydney and grace down to the locker rooms. you met up with the other wags and smiled when they greeted you. some chatted and passed time while others rocked babies in their arms. you however were anxiously looking through your photos on your phone, specifically the album labeled mat that you'd had since you'd first gotten an iphone. you didn't glance up until you hear the sound of doors opening.

mat was the seventh person out, not that you were counting. he wore a bright smile when he saw you standing there and immediately crossed the distance between the two of you to wrap you in a huge hug.

"how was therapy?" he asked.

you rolled your eyes but couldn't help but smile. "why do we always talk about me?"

"because i care." he lightly nudged your shoulder. "so how did it go?"

"it was good, actually," you remarked. "figured out and accepted that i deserve love."

if it was even possible, mat's smile got wider. "yeah you do."

"and maybe there are people waiting around for me to figure it out..." you trailed off before shyly meeting his gaze. and before you could stop yourself, before you ran out of courage, you stood on your tiptoes (like you've been doing since he hit his growth spurt in seventh grade) and pressed a kiss to the corner of his lips.

you lingered for a moment before pulling away and loooking up at your bewildered best friend whose mouth was wide open.

"what?" you asked. "did i read that wrong? sydney and grace said--"

"that's all i get?" he asked. "i've waited for this since i was six years old and i don't even get the real thing?"

you furrowed your brow. "what're you talking about? six years old?"

but mat was leaning in and capturing your lips with his own. "six year old mat had the biggest crush on six year old you," he said.

"and what about twenty-four year old mat?"

he kissed you again. "head over heels for you."

age twenty-six

after a less than stellar playoff run, you and mat headed back to canada for a portion of the off season, mainly to visit family.

but it was also nice to get out of new york, even if it was just for a short period.

in hindsight, you should've known something was going to happen. your mother, nadia, and liana took you to get your nails done and to grab lunch while you were out shopping. but you were so caught up in how nice it was to be back home (words you never thought you'd ever say), you paid no attention to the lack of mat time.

so when you walked into the backyard of his parents' house and saw a giant projector screen with blankets and pillows strewn about to make yet another fort, you almost cried.

mat's head popped out from the middle with a smile on his face until he saw the tears in your eyes. "why're you crying baby? this is supposed to be happy!"

"i love you" was all you could blubber out.

mat laughed to himself, taking your hands in his own. "i love you too baby." he knelt down and the tears kept coming down your face. "ever since i was a kid, i thought i'd be the one walking you down the aisle to the man you'd marry because i never thought you'd be crazy enough to fall in love with me."

you scoffed. "i'm definitely the one batting out of my league here, mathew."

"don't talk about the love of my life that way," he said before continuing on. "we've gone through a lot together, and i couldn't imagine getting through life without you by my side." mat took a deep breath. "so tell me, do you wanna get married?" mat asked.

you nodded through your weeping. "only if i get to marry you," you smiled.

[spacebaby1]

Hii what about Reader x Megumi where after a long time of getting to know each other in jujutsu high and becoming close friends (while they like to talk about deep stuff like injustices in the world, the 1% privilege, global warming, and genre inequality), reader opens up about a situation where she got harassed by a male friend at a party who tried to hug & kiss her and she doesn't know how to feel about it because she rationalizes her emotions and even her friends started acting like nothing ever happened.

(sorry for the so specific scenario haha just cane up with it while typing, you can change some things tho! thx!)

Ahhh, sorry this is too late, but this request hits home too real! Hope you like it.

Stay safe girlies/guys

It was a hot, sunny day at the start of July. Most schools are already summer break but not in jujutsu high. There were a few new students visiting today. However, you knew it would be a busy day for Gojo sensei and Nanami sensei, so you let them be and handle the work.

You were sitting on the grass far from the ground where Yuta and Maki were training, and lost in your own thoughts, you didn't see Megumi standing next to you. An ice cold can touched your cheeks, making you jump at the sudden coldness. Megumi was holding a can of cold drink towards you, "I've been calling your name for a minute, you okay?" He sat next to you. You took the can of strawberry soda and opened it, "Sorry, I was thinking. Hey, that's for this it's so freaking hot today. Megumi nodded, taking a sip of his own drink, "I don't know how Yuta and maki are training in this heat. Even I can't do that, so what were you thinking about? New mission?"

You shook your head looking ahead, and Megumi could see how lost you were in your own thoughts while still listening to him. You sat the soda to side. "Can I ask you something?" He nodded, "Sure, what's up?."

Not knowing how to make the situation into a question, but you needed to know this and if you were thinking it the right way or something else. "We've been friends for like seven years now?" Megumi nodded, waiting for you to continue, "you know how you were all like don't fist bump my shoulders, don't randomly play with my hair or like not so into physical touch thingy" He nodded again, and you sighed, "like, have I ever made you feel uncomfortable when I'd ruffle your hair or hug you? Did you feel like "Oh that's very weird?" I don't know how to explain it, but did you feel uncomfortable?" Megumi thought for a minute. "To be honest, when it's you doing that I don't feel uncomfortable because we know each other and if it's someone I just met tried to do the same with hugs and touches I'd absolutely feel uncomfortable. Why? Do you feel uncomfortable around me? Did I do anything?"

Shaking your head and waving your hands in front of you, you spoke, "No, absolutely not. Remember about the party I went to last week with my friend?" He nodded. "Well, she's been a friend forever since we both are neighbours, and we went to the same elementary school. At that party there was this friend of her, a guy that she said went to the same school as us but I honestly can't remember the last time I saw him and it was a friendly introduction at first but then he got a bit touchy around me and started to sit too close to me, he would throw his arm around my shoulder even though I kept telling him that it's making me uncomfortable and he with the others laughed it off and told me to "chill out" I don't think I'd feel the same if You or Yuji would hug me out of nowhere but tell me if I'm over thinking it and he probably didn't mean harm-"

"A guy did that? And you didn't call me to break his hands?" Megumi gave you the most concerning look you ever saw on his face, and you gasped smacking your hands together, "I knew it! I wasn't overthinking it! Those fake ass friends made me feel like I was overreacting when I told them that it made me feel uncomfortable! Ugh, now I feel so stupid! Ughhh, " you honestly felt a bit disappointed in your friends and bad for not reacting at the party. "Don't say that. you're not stupid. You just felt confused, and I feel you on that. Plus, it's not your fault it's that basterds fault. Do you know where he lives, Yuji and I would like to give him a visit." Megumi smiled at you, and that wasn't a normal smile that smile screamed rage. You sighed, "I would say that we should let it be, but if it happened to me the he probably will do it to another girl. Yes, I know where he lives." Megumi texted Yuji as you spoke, "Great, tell me his location. He will apologise."

Later that day you three walked to the guys house and he immediately had a smug look in his face when he opened the door to see you standing there, he leaned on forward while holding the door with his arm. Before he could speak, Megumi and Yuji should to your side, "So this is the idiot that made you uncomfortable?" Yuji grabbed his shirt collar with a terrifying look on his face."

"What a trash like you dares to make Y/N uncomfortable?" Megumi joined, cracking his knuckles. It's easy to say that the guy cried his apology out on his knees and didn't dare to cross his path.

[my-own-walker]

Hiya!!!! I was wondering if you do peter maximoff smut? 😅😅😅 If you do, I have a request-but if you don't maybe you could make it like Tate or Kyle? <3

I was wondering if you could do something like Peter (if you can) like using his vibrations and going down on the reader(fem!) while making her read her smutty diary entries about him after he read what was in it? :) THANK YOU BESTIE MWAHHH

I Warned You

note: forgive me if this sucks. my emotions have been all over the past few days and i burned the FUCK out of my hand last night.

warnings: sm*t, oral f receiving, peter being a slut, etc

+++

It was a rather oppressive day, heat-wise. One of those sticky hot, thighs chafing, greasy bangs days. The sun shined down in a hazy way on the neighborhood I lived in. As I sat there in my denim shorts and big t-shirt, I reminisced on the days of summer as a child. How I'd spend them with my best friend, Peter.

He was the first person I met when I moved here. I was two, to be fair, so I don't remember much of it all. He's always been a permanent fixture in my life. Someone who was just...always there.

He lived next door. Just like a cliche movie. We would ride bikes and draw on the ground with sidewalk chalk together. He was my second-grade boyfriend. He decided to ‘ask me out’ on the last day of school. He learned in school how to say 'I love you,' in sign language just before he asked to hold my hand on the playground on that day in June. He signed it any chance he could. When his mom drove us home in her minivan that day, he held up the sign. Our little secret.

That summer was pure childhood bliss. Innocence. We really didn't 'break up,' per se. When we entered the third grade that September it was just mutual that we had crushes on other kids. We still stayed friends. I'd hang out at his house after school every day until my parents got home. When the weather was warm, I'd sit outside on my porch waiting for him after dinner. Then, like clockwork, we'd find something to do.

As we got older our activities changed. He taught me how to skateboard. I taught him how to trespass on the baseball fields that were tucked down a back street in our neighborhood. We'd swing on this old tire swing over the stream that ran through our backyards.

In our sophomore year of high school, he bought an old car with dreams to fix it up. A 1965 Ford Mustang. It was rusty, beat up, and had no engine. The windshield was shattered and the inside wasn't upholstered. The only working part of it was its radio. When I walked out of my front door on the day he brought it home, he slapped it on its hood, proudly declaring, 'I'm gonna take you to prom in this thing, baby!' We sat in the old thing all afternoon listening to the radio.

I had known about his abilities the whole time. I never got into foot races with him as a kid for that reason. He would beat me every time. Peter had it under control, for the most part, but only when he wanted to. He started getting brazen with it as a teenager. He'd take me on these wild adventures where he'd steal things. The first time it was just some candy from a convenience store. By the time he got that damned car, he was stealing entire carburetors. These trips took all of 2 minutes. Just the two of us speeding off to create havoc.

Somewhere along the way I fell in love with him. Or maybe it wasn't even that. I can't remember a time when I didn't love him. It changed, though. I started to feel things toward him I'd never felt before. When he'd hold my head to prevent me from getting whiplash as we were making our hasty escapes from his escapades, I'd find chills would run up my spine.

Our beautiful little romance blossomed once he finally got his Mustang up and running. Not that he needed it, really. He was leagues faster than any car. He just wanted to be able to transport more things. And his new girlfriend. We started dating in junior year. He had just gotten his license and took me on a ride one night. We parked down a backstreet in our town and our lips finally met. At long last, his fast fingers were allowed to explore my body in a way I had never allowed him to before. It was wonderful, awkward, and hungry. Everything a teenage love affair should be.

He ended up taking me to the prom in that car, just as he'd promised. He looked so smart in his little tux. We spent that entire summer simply enraptured with each other. Our hangouts transformed from outdoor antics to being tangled in my bed, fan on max speed, windows open to hear the mourning doves sing outside. I can still smell the fresh summer air and the smell of him combining to make something all-encompassing and intoxicating.

It was the next summer on this very hot day. Peter and I had been dating for a year. He was away, hanging out with his friends or something. I was home alone. I sat there on my porch, diary resting lazily on my lap, staring off at the hanging 'FOR SALE,' sign on my yard in front of me . I switched between twirling my pen in my hands and chewing the end of it, deep in thought.

It was always the deal in my house. As soon as I graduated, as the youngest kid in my family, we'd move away again. My parents weren't happy with the town. They knew I had made my life there, but a deal was a deal. I couldn't imagine a life without Peter.

When the sign went up on my front lawn, I began a diary. I was never a writer. I was horrible at keeping up with writing entries in a tiny book. But knowing my life was about to change, I began scratching down every small detail about my life. My time in this house. My childhood. My life with Peter. It was a passion project. I wanted to document everything so I'd never forget.

Peter interrupted my deep inner turmoil. Well, not exactly him. His loud-ass car pulled up, parking in the driveway next door. He stepped out of the car singing, keys jingling in his hands. Like clockwork, his head turned to see if I was on my porch. Our routine since we were kids. In a flash, he was sitting next to me.

'Hey pretty,' he breathed, kissing me gently on my cheek.

'Hey Peter,' I smiled, looking up at him. Whenever he was near me I couldn't help but get wrapped up in him. Swept away in his deep brown eyes and sea of silver hair. There was a palpable feeling between the two of us. Dancing around the topic of me moving away, even though the signs were all around us, literally. It was a tension that colored every moment of our time together, yet we tried in earnest to ignore it.

'Whatcha got there?' he asked, half-taunting, as he usually did.

'Oh, haha,' I blushed, clapping the book shut and tucking the pen inside. 'It's nothing, just a planner.'

'A planner? Y/L/N, when have you ever been the type to schedule things?' he scoffed. 'Gimme that.' He lunged for the diary. I curled my body up tight into a ball, the book nestled safely between my lap and chest. My arms secured it even further.

'Peter! Stop it! I gotta get my shit together,' I whined. 'Like, plan out packing!'

'Packing for what?' he asked sarcastically, still trying in vain to pry the diary from my grasp. In his desperation, he attempted the only trick he had left to get me to let go. He started tickling my sides. It was a surefire way to piss me off, but also to get me to let go. The diary clattered to the ground as I stood up quickly to get away from his hands tickling me at light speed. He paused for a moment to grab the diary off the ground.

'Hey, thanks!' he exclaimed, taking off in a flash inside my house, leaving only the wind behind to prove he was there.

I clamored inside behind him, calling after him as I stumbled up the stairs. He was already laying on my bed, on his side, reading my diary entries when I got to my room.

‘DON’T read those!’ I panted in vain. ‘They’re so bad!’

‘Oh, these little stories?’ he smirked, looking up only with his eyes. ‘I think they’re pretty good.’

My cheeks burned hot. I stepped into the room and slammed the door shut. He held the book up closer to his face and squinted. ‘Peter, please, I’m warning you,’ I pleaded.

‘His tongue slid into me. All of my insides felt warm and tingly…’ he read out.

‘OH MY GOD NO!’ I rushed over to him, trying to pry my diary out of his hands. I was on the bed on my knees doing what I could to get my embarrassing writing back. He and his super speed, though, had other plans. I gave up after minutes of trying, tired of grabbing at a person that wasn’t even there by the time my hands reached him. He stopped his motion and was right back where he started on my bed.

‘I think I got what I needed,’ he smirked. ‘Let me review the highlights with you…’

He moved quickly, without using his super speed, to lay me down my my back. I didn’t object. He was always gentle with me, careful not to use his speed unless I asked him to. Peter hated anything that took a long time, but with me he always had patience. Well, unless it was taking my clothes off.

Peter worked quickly to get every inch of fabric off my body. His smooth hands rubbed all over my skin as he kissed me passionately. He stopped to pick up the diary that had been discarded to the side on my bed.

‘Let’s see…’ he muttered, pinning my shoulder down with one hand, his legs straddling my lap. ‘He spread my legs slowly…okay I can do that.’

The diary was once again dropped so he could part my thighs. His hot breath hovered over my weeping cunt.

‘Right, right, then the tongue part,’ he reminded himself. He kissed all along the insides of my thighs, eventually making contact with my middle. My toes curled and my breath hitched. I was ready for what he was about to do. He slipped his tongue into me and my eyes rolled back. He flicked his tongue over my clit, making me yelp out.

He separated himself from me to grab my diary again.

‘You’re gonna have to read this next part, Y/N, I’m a little preoccupied here,’ he instructed. He passed the book into my shaking hands. I didn’t even have the energy to protest. I just wanted to feel his warmth within me again. His mouth reconnected with my pussy.

‘H-his abilities came in handy when giving me head,’ I panted. ‘He can do this thing- thi- this thing where he vibrates.’ I could only choke out so much in my pleasure.

I felt him take a few deep breaths before beginning to vibrate at sonic speed. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced. The first time he did it, I thought I would just about die. He pulled away for a moment.

‘Keep reading,’ he breathed. I whimpered, shaking hands once again opening the diary. He reconnected with my middle again and I let out a loud moan.

‘He kn-knows how to make m-me purr like a kitten. There’s n-nothing like it,’ I sputtered out.

I didn’t have much left in me. He, acting as my own personal vibrator, brought me to my limit. I came with a loud yelp, laughing immediately after. Peter stopped vibrating and laid on top of me, his face meeting mine.

‘You are SUCH a dick, Maximoff,’ I giggled.

‘I thought it was sexy, how you write about me and all,’ Peter shrugged. He peppered kisses all over my face and neck as we both caught our breath. For a fleeting moment, nothing in the world mattered. All we cared about was each other. For a moment, I wasn’t moving away. It was us and us only. ‘You’re a million miles away, beautiful. What’s wrong?’

Snapping out of my trance, I planted a kiss on his lips. ‘Nothing at all, Peter. Just really ready for round two,’ I smirked.

+++

I really enjoyed this one. Thank you so much for this request! I promise I’ll write more this week. It’s been cray cray on my end.

[yelenabelovasbxtch]

Crush On An Archer PT.1

a/n: Hey! Omg long time no see! I kinda maybe lost interest in writing for a bit there but tbh I think I'm back. No promises because I don't want to promise and then break your hearts but also I realllyyyy enjoyed writing this and I hope you all enjoy reading it! Will def be making a part two in coming days so stay tuned. LMK if you want to be added to the taglist, I am going to put some tags of past taglists below just in case they are interested in reading :) ALSO! Special shout out to @scmg11 because their writing is honestly what made me wanna get back into it. So,,I hope you enjoy!

Kate X Fem!Reader

Concept: Reader has a crush on Kate (school/Uni setting) and she doesn't know how to tell her.

Warning: Cussing, mentions of smut, IM TRYING TO WRITE SLOW BURN BUT BEAR WITH ME ITS NEW!

Word Count: 2.7k

You’re a month into your summer vacation and things couldn’t be more…boring. You love and appreciate your parents dearly for putting out the money so that you could attend a prestigious school in New York with a kick ass archery team but does it ever suck to be this far from all your friends for four months. To make the situation work, your dad had to transfer jobs to another state that pulls in a little more money annually with slightly more affordable housing but that means you aren’t even near the people you grew up around. Rural Mississippi is a fairly big step from living in Boston. Boston at least had people, out here it’s like you’re lucky if you get to meet a neighbour because the land has us all so far apart. In all honesty, although it’s boring, you really have one specific reason for being so bummed out. Towards the end of your last semester, you got started getting closer with one of the girls a year younger on your team, Kate. Typically the older girls competed and practised together and the younger girls did the same. Although you two were only a year apart it’s just how things worked out, so you didn’t cross paths very often. However, one day you were walking home from class, stopped to get coffee and basically bumped into her. The meeting was really brief but it was enough to make you catch feelings almost instantly. 

Your interest in her grew as you followed her on Instagram and she followed back. Obviously you took a peak at her page and scrolled to the bottom laughing at the really cringey posts from 2015 she had still up. All you wanted to do was talk to her again but you didn’t know how, although she was a year younger than you she intimidated you so much. Her deep blue eyes were honestly enough to make you stutter whenever you had the chance to talk to her. A month had gone by already and you could not wait to get back to school so you could see her again. Luckily, coach has yearly “team-building” days before the season starts and they’re about half way through the summer so hopefully you can talk to her before then and maybe convince her to hang out when you come back to school. 

Over the next week or so you liked a few story posts that she’d upload every now and again but the day finally came where you felt like you could swipe up and respond to it…y’know…maybe spark a little conversation. 

“Damn Bishop, is this a new bow?” In response to a story post of her showing off some of her off season training. 

“Haha yeah it is, flips out and everything…it's really freakin’ cool.” She replied almost instantly and that made a giant warm smile come across your face. 

Shit– what do you say back? Your main goal was honestly to keep the convo going so you could subtly mention down the line hanging out with her. 

“Yeah that’s sick, wow I’d kill to try something like that out.”

“Well next time I see you, please by all means give it a shot” She replies back.

“Might just have to take you up on that. How’s your summer going anyways?”

“It’s alright, kind of boring though. All my friends from school move back home and I am working for my mom’s company over the summer so it all is just kind of dull. I miss going out and having fun. Wbu?”

“Yeah, I hear that. I am SO bored here. I would kill to fast forward to the fall, I miss being at school honestly. There’s only so much I can do by myself here during the summer.”

“Ugh right! I want it to be school again too but don’t get me wrong, I love the summer, the weather is great here recently and the nightlife is amazing too. I just have nobody to go with, you know.”

“Yeah I get it. Trust me, if I could be there to go out with you I would, there is definitely no nightlife here haha.”

Shit. That wasn’t too forward was it? She is taking a while to respond to you. She hasn’t even opened the message yet. 

*4 minutes later*

“Well, you’re going to be around for that team-building thing coach has us doing in a couple of weeks right?”

“Yeah, I should be.”

“Well, we can go out then if you want? Me and a few friends had plans but they’re all on the team and I’m sure they’d love to have you there too.”

“Yeah, that sounds great I’d love to!”

The conversation pretty much ended there and your contact with her was fairly limited, just a small comment here or there until you finally got to fly back to school for summer training. You settle back into the apartment you left a couple months ago, everything is still a mess where you left it but the kitchen and living room are even filthier since you are not around to clean up much after your roommates. You decided to wait until your team practice to talk to Kate about hanging out again. You didn’t want to come on too strong but also a small part of you feels like she forgot what she said months ago and you won’t end up seeing her, not outside of team stuff at least. 

You grabbed your gear and headed to the field where practice was being held. You saw some of your friends from last year and decided to catch up with them before coach pulled you all in to start practice. You were trying your best not to make it obvious but your eyes were tracking all around you looking for Kate but she was nowhere to be seen. 

*Whistle* “Okay team! Let’s bring it in. First, I just want to say thank you to everyone for making the effort to come back to campus for this, meeting I–”

“SORRY SORRY SORRY!” You hear the coach interrupted as footsteps are fast approaching the circle of archers. 

“Hi Kate.” Says coach.

“I am SO sorry. My driver was running late and then there was traffic because of a giant accident, I think there was some battle in the streets again, I don’t know, either way, my bad coach, won’t happen again…I promise.” She says with the most adorable grin that is absolutely saying she will be late again. 

“It’s alright Kate, it happens, I was just telling the team how thankful I am that everyone could make the trip back to campus for this.” Coach went on to talk about the drills you were doing for the day and man was it hard to not be in awe watching her. You tried your best not to stare all day because the last thing you wanted to do was make it obvious but fuck it felt impossible. The day came to an end and you packed up your gear, Kate was talking with the other seniors on the team as they were gathering their things and started to head out. You could feel your window closing to talk to her but interrupting her conversation with her friends and “inviting” yourself out with them just felt too weird and uncomfortable. If it wasn’t meant to be then it wasn’t meant to be but you would kill to be able to just spend an hour with her. 

You watched as she started to walk away towards the parking lot with her friends when all of a sudden she motioned for them to hold on a minute and she turned around and jogged over to you. 

“Hey y/n! Sorry we didn’t get to catch up much during practice, I saw your shooting though it’s looking good.” 

Yeah…your face is bright red. Control your shit. 

“Anyways, me and a couple friends are going out later tonight to a party that one of their friends is hosting. It’s like a Hawaiian beach summer nights themed type of party so if you have something like that to wear, that would be great.”

“Yeah, I might have something, I’ll take a look when I get home.” 

“Cool! I’ll text you the address once I get it off my friend and I’ll see you there?”

“Yeah, sounds good!” 

“Here, why don’t you put your number into my phone, I don’t like using DM’s that much.”

You take Kate’s phone out of her hand and fill out a contact for yourself, praying that she can’t hear your heart beating out of your chest. 

“Cool, thanks, I’ll send you a text in a bit.” She says with a smile and then runs off to re-join her friends. 

It seems silly sitting by your phone and literally watching the minutes tick by waiting for her to text you but that’s all  you could do. The anticipation felt like it was killing you. 

Your phone finally buzzed with a mystery number attached, “Hey y/n! It’s Kate. So…slight change of plans.”

Fuck. Is she bailing? Your eyes were glued on the three dots as she typed and you watched as they disappeared and reappeared. 

“Turns out the party is actually around the corner from my place so if you wanted to just come here first, we could pre-game and shit and then walk over together? My friends said they were going out to get their hair done so they’ll be running late.”

“Hey Kate, yeah no problem that works for me just send me your address and lmk what time you want me there.”

Kate dropped a pin of her location to you with the text attached telling you to come over at 7pm. 

7pm rolled around and you were already there outside but you kind of felt like you should wait another minute or two so you weren’t RIGHT on time. Or is it weird to be a minute late? But wouldn’t being on time be weirder? Whatever, you decided to just wait a minute and then knock on her door. 

Knocking on her door was the most nerve wracking thing you ever did, you were genuinely shitting bricks. 

“HEY! Come in come in!” Kate eagerly yells at you as she swings the door open. She’s wearing shorts with a bright purple bikini top and a button down Hawaiian shirt over top that doesn’t have a single button done up. Are you starring? Yes. Probably? Absolutely you are. 

“Make yourself at home, feel free to grab a drink from the fridge, my roommates are out of town and left all their alcohol so help yourself.” She said with a laugh. 

You heard that right? Her roommates are out of town. Just the two of you…you never know. 

You grabbed a drink from the fridge and took a seat on the couch next to her and yeah…the drink started going down faster than usual because of all the nerves in your stomach. The two of you made small talk for awhile but the conversation started flowing a little more naturally about 2 drinks in. Were you still kind of awkward as hell? Yeah…a little. But at least you warmed up to her a bit and weren’t acting so weird. About an hour later, her friends showed up and grabbed you guys to head over to the party. Honestly, things were going so well with just the two of you that you didn’t even want to go to this party but if it meant you got to spend more time with her then there you were. You got to the party and you honestly knew practically nobody. You weren’t exactly a social butterfly but Kate clearly was. She was talking to EVERYBODY. The boys at the party especially loved her. There was lots of laughing and flirting going on, you could feel the jealousy building but acting out was definitely not an option. You ended up socialising with a few of the other people at the party but for most of the night you stuck by Kate’s side, the two of you got pretty drunk together, pouring shots for one another and dancing in the pit of people to extremely loud music. There was a point where it felt like it was just you and her and nobody else was there while the music was blasting into your ears and the two of you were jumping together to the beat and singing out the lyrics to whatever song was on at the time. Kate got really close to you until some guy would come and pull her away in an attempt to make a move on her. Although, it never actually happened. Kate always ended up finding her way back to you. At one point she grabbed your hand and pulled you into the middle of the crowd as the two of you sang (screamed) the lyrics to “love story” into each other's faces. The party, as all do, started to simmer down. You guys actually ended up being some of the last people at the party, you stuck around to the point where the music was gone and most people were just sitting around chatting halfway sober. 

“Hey, I think I’m going to go home, I am super tired right now.” Kate says to you. 

“Okay, I’ll walk with you, I left my bag at your place anyways so I have to grab it.” 

“Right, sounds good.” 

Although the two of you had been singing and dancing for hours, she looked just as perfect as when you left and you were trying your hardest not to stare at her while the two of you were walking side-by-side. 

The walk back to her place was pretty quick, when the two of you got inside you went to grab your bag and get your things together. You were desperately trying to figure out what to say to her while you were organising your stuff. You didn’t want to come on too strong but you also want to make sure that she knows you had a good time…I guess just tell her exactly that?

“I had a really good time tonight, thanks again for inviting me.” You say as you’re leaning against the wall in her hallway. 

“Of course, anytime. And I did too. We should really hang out more when we come back to school.” She replies. 

Kate walks towards you and stops about a foot away leaning up against the doorframe to her bedroom. The hallway is super narrow and all you can think about is pinning her against the wall while you kiss down her neck and pull her tight by her waist. 

“Yeah I think so too. I guess I should probably head out.” You say as she looks at you with the softest eyes that you swore said “please stay”. You lingered for a second longer as the two of you were looking at each other, tired, kind of tipsy and on the verge of ripping each other's clothing off. All you wanted was for her to actually ask you to stay a little longer but before she had the chance you were already walking towards the door. 

“Have a good night y/n.” She says. “Text me when you get home safe.”

“I will. Sleep well Kate.” You reply as you turn to look at her with a smile and step out the front door. 

That goodbye felt different. It felt like there were still feelings in the air and lots that wanted to be said that wasn't. It felt like the perfect opportunity with nobody around after an amazing night together has passed but you regret none of it. Although you weren’t able to get a confirmation on whether or not Kate even likes women like you do, you knew there was definitely a type of tension between the two of you that she definitely noticed.

-- END OF PT 1 --

Taglist: @yelenaslyubov @youreatotalposer @jeyramarie @flosbelova @bridgecitybrad @justthis-stuff @chloe7076 @ailenepuff @ravenclawbitch426 @mellowladyangel @amcg0605-blog @kassies-take @yelenaswife1996 @wandanatchick @lilroachsworld @inluvwithfictionalwomen @x666hours @natashaswife4125 @onetruwhore @karmasgxrl @hopelesslyfallenninlove @setsuna1415 @swiftdazer @imobsessedwithmilfss @madamevirgo @louisprettybab @splatalia-jumpanova @jediluka @t00manyfand0ms

[bloodyknucklesforme]

Scotch | Restaurant AU

Kyle and Nina's relationship, aged for five years.

tw: angst, mention of sexual assault and aftermath, self harm, familial death, injury

June 2017

"You enlisted?" Her jaw was tight, keeping the muscles firm to stop herself from crying.

"Yeah... I just don't know what I want to do and I need more time." They'd just finished their A-levels. One last summer before University.

"You can take a fucking gap year, Kyle!" She sat down on his bed, head in her hands

"I just need to be doing something. You see all that shite on the news!"

"So you're going to stop Al-Qatala? Is that it?"

"Of course not!"

It felt like he put a knife in her belly and twisted it. He, out of anyone, should have known how that uniform makes her feel. That she grew up in fear of it, hid herself from it, resented it.

"You said we'd go to uni together." It was happening again. It was them against the world until it was due for the next life stage and he'd leave her behind. Like when they were kids and as soon as they hit double digits he didn't want to be friends with a girl anymore. He was turning eighteen and didn't want a girlfriend anymore. Didn't want her.

"I was never going to get into the same schools as you, Neen. You're incredible and work hard."

"So do you. It's not like I'm going to Cambridge. It's Queen Mary. You can get in. I'll go to a different school if I have to. I'm studying fucking English literature. It's not hard to find a program." She pleaded.

"I'm not going to hold you back."

"You're not." Her voice finally breaking down into a cry.

"Hey, hey. Nim. Look at me." he knelt down in front of her. "Nothing is going to change. You're still my best friend."

Friend

"Are you breaking up with me?" She looked up at him, trembling.

His reassuring smile was replaced with a more embarrassed look.

"I won't ask you to wait for me all that time."

Four years was the minimum. Once he enlisted they had him for four years. She'd have graduated by then. All her future plans turned to fantasy. She wanted to graduate together, move in together, date for a few more years, travel, get engaged, get married. She would have waited for him.

She got up, contorting uncomfortably to avoid touching him.

"I'm just gonna go." She started to gather up her things.

"Nina... I love you. That's not what this about. You deserve more than me being away all that time."

"You never had to leave in the first place." She slammed his bedroom door, ignoring his little sister's peaking from down the hall and his mum's calling to ask if everything was okay. She didn't slam the front door, she wouldn't do that to Mrs. Garrick.

She started to sob as she closed their front gate. She walked towards the woods. Trudged through the underbrush and leaf litter left from last Autumn.

They built a fort out here years ago. Saved up pocket money, raided rubbish bins. Built a little wooden box. She was sure only they knew about it. She never found evidence to the contrary. It still stood out there, hidden under old ivy and branches.

She crawled inside and pulled her knees to her chest. She never told Kyle this was where she always went to cry. Her father hated the sound of crying, would turn into a spectacle in front of the whole family for you to explain why you were so upset. She couldn't admit that Kyle had dumped her again.

She chewed at the skin around her nails till the blood stained her nails.

He was sent to basic training a week later. She never said goodbye. Her mum said he'd stopped by one day.

"Kyle said he'll write to you while he's gone and answer if you called."

September 2017 - June 2018

She went to London alone. It was fine until it wasn't. She met a boy that reminded her of Kyle until he didn't. It was a party for the return of term after Christmas holiday. He said he would take her home. She just wanted to go home.

She tried not to blame herself but all her new friends turned against her. He said that she lied about it because she was actually cheating on him. That she was slut. He was so much more popular than her.

She could call Kyle but they hadn't talked in months. She spent so many nights starring at her phone, her hand overing over his name in her contacts.

She stopped going to class. One of her professor's reached out, asked if she was okay, offered to let her turn in things late. She felt too ashamed to answer their email, letting it rot in her inbox while her assignments sat unfinished on her desktop.

She failed everything of course. She couldn't go home. Her parents wouldn't ask how class went, they'd want to see them. She told them she would buy her own train ticket home and then never did.

She packed her things and went to Price's flat. Showing up like a stray dog.

"You can talk to me, you know. I'm not your dad but I care about you, Nina. Whatever you tell me, it'll be between us."

She felt like she had an aura of victimhood around her. Was it that obvious?

She stayed the Summer, learning how to cook and bake. It kept her mind off things. Made the excuse that Price needed a flat sitter while he was deployed or at training.

August 2018

"I'm back for a couple weeks. I was wondering if I could stop by and see you." It had only been a year but he sounded so much more grown. She wondered if he looked different. She knew she did.

"I'm not at home. I'm still in London. I er... I'm staying with Price. Like housesitting, I guess."

"Would it be okay if I came to visit? I can get a hotel or find a mate to stay with. Some guys in my unit have families nearby and I just really want to see you Nina."

She clenched her jaw tightly. Would he be disappointed in her? She failed, she hadn't told anyone she hadn't registered for Autumn yet and most likely wouldn't. She wanted to see him.

She was incredibly lonely. More than ever. Price was wonderful but he was twenty years her senior and the friends he had over for dinner even more so. She wanted her best friend.

"Let me ask Price."

Price said he could stay. She'd moved to a cot in the unused second bedroom. Kyle could take the couch. As long as they behaved Price said he could stay.

Kyle looked grown. He looked bigger, muscles built up, he stood up straighter. He was so gorgeous standing out in front of building. She was a sailor seeing land for the first time in months. She ran down the front steps and threw herself into his arms.

"I'm sorry."

"No. I'm sorry." He hugged her to his chest. He smelled the same, his heart sounded the same, his voice calmed her the same. That's what mattered.

They went on a walk after he dropped his things off.

"I did it on a whim, you know. I never wanted to hurt you. I just panicked and that was it. I'm sorry I broke my promise."

"It's okay. I just... I always feel like I'm a second choice and I felt like I must have done something wrong to make you leave." She bit down on her trembling lip.

Kyle cupped her cheeks, using his thumb to pull her lip down from between her teeth.

"You didn't do anything, Nina. I thought you every day. I kept trying to write but I didn't know what to say beyond i miss you and it just never felt good enough. I didn't call because I was afraid you wouldn't answer."

"I'm sorry for not reaching out either. I missed you and I'd met this guy and..." She could tell him right here in this park. She'd just gotten him back. She'd been telling herself it wasn't her fault. What if he thought differently? He was already slipping from her grasp like water. She left her sentence unended.

"I get it...are you and him still together?" His gaze darted around, avoiding putting her on the spot.

"No." She shook her head. She was so small. She was small and scared and the ground was crumbling all around her. She made the leap into his arms, crying into his chest. Let him think that it was just her broken heart. "He wasn't you..."

2019

It didn't have a label. Too much time between seeing each other to really call it dating but neither would have sought out different partners when they were separated. It was nice honestly.

She liked being the thing he came back to. Despite his best efforts she was always waiting for him. She never minded. Picking him up at the airport was always the best part of any season.

She never went back to Uni. Told her parents she wanted a gap year or two or three. She fully moved into Price's spare room, got a job at a local cafe, paid him rent.

Kyle was allowed to stay with her in her room when he was around.

She cried the first time they tried to have sex again. Blamed it on hormones. The second time was better. Third they actually finished. Fourth time she cried again.

"You alright, Neen?" He rubbed his nose against her shoulder.

"Just in my head too much, I guess." He kissed her cheek.

"You can talk to me."

"I'm okay. I promise."

The fifth time was better.

October 2021

Price asked her to help him open a restaurant. His forced retirement left him without much to do during the day. He entrusted her with a lot. She felt proud of her work. She liked being proud of something, hearing Price's praise.

It was October 25th. They hoped to be opened before Christmas, preferably late November.

It was her, Price and Simon, the only other employee at the time. Nina was sketching out various layouts for front of house. Price was behind the bar, preparing another wine tasting for the three of them. Simon was making family dinner in the back.

There was a rumble and all the glass in the building shook. She looked up at Price.

"Explosion" he muttered. They sat in silence as sirens picked up, crying a cruel sad song. Simon came out from the back. Her heart sank hearing distant screaming.

Their phones went off in a buzzing alarm. Explosion and shooting at Piccadilly. Her hands started shaking.

She'd talked to Kyle only a couple days before. He said he was going to be working in London for a little bit. He could be there. He could be dead already. He could be dying right now.

She kept refreshing twitter, scanning photos and videos for him. Price sat down next to her, rubbing her back.

"He'll call you as soon as he can."

"What if he never does?"

His mum called later that night. He was hurt in the initial explosion and was in hospital. She and his dad were driving down but it would be hours before they got there. Nina was out the door within seconds.

She and his family took shifts watching over him. Burns on his arms and chest, broken wrist, ribs and femur but no brain damage. He was groggy, eyes opening to scan the room before falling back asleep. She held his hand as much as she could. Sometimes when he woke up, he'd see her and squeeze her hand.

He'd stay with her and Price while recovering and doing physical therapy. His military career was over though. He stared at their bedroom wall alot. Price did the same when he was medically discharged. Unable to think of what to do with himself, all structure gone from his life. Left only with pain, scars a leg that twitched.

"I don't think I deserve you." He said as she fluffed up his pillows.

"What do you mean?" She frowned.

"You're too good to me."

"I love you. When you love someone you take care of them."

"You're making me blush." He took her hand and kissed it. "I'll pay you back someday."

April 2022

"You have to move out someday." Kyle said, kissing her forehead. He'd gotten a flat with two other guys he met in the army. It was nice and they, surprisingly, had more privacy here than at Price's, where she still lived. He wanted them to move in together. They'd been officially dating again for over a year.

"I like paying very low rent." She kissed his chest, careful of his burn scars. He chuckled.

"Yeah but in our place I could fuck you whenever I wanted."

"Whenever you want?"

"Whenever we want." He gave her arse a squeeze. "My lease ends in August."

"I'd like to move in with you." She smiled. Her fantasies seemed within reach.

June 2022

She was working front of house. It was a grueling summer afternoon. She'd gotten into a fight with her mum earlier that week over not coming on the family vacation.

"You haven't been home in so long. Seb misses you."

"He can come to London."

"Your father doesn't like London, you know that."

"He should get over it."

"I just want you to come. Spend time with your family. We want you here."

"Didn't know we was singular now."

"Nina."

"Mum."

She walked around, checking in on all the tables. Kate came up to her.

"Price needs to talk to you in his office." She looked sad.

As she walked away she heard Kate tell Cleo and Nova to tell people they were closing early.

Price's office was in the basement of the building. Stuffy and dark but cooler than anywhere else except the walk in.

"Sit down, love." His head was in his heads, he didn't even glance up at her.

"Am I getting fired?" She joked, sitting down across from him. Price looked up at her. She'd never seen him cry before. Her stomach dropped, probably landing in some abandoned catacomb beneath them.

He got up and knelt down in front of her.

"I got a call." He took her hands between his. She was shaking and she didn't know why. "There was an accident down near Brighton."

"Don't..." She shook her head. They were just hurt. Nothing else. Just hurt, even severly maybe but they weren't...no...they couldn't be.

"They're gone, love. I'm so sorry, Nina but they're all gone."

Kyle heard Nina scream from the dining room. It made his blood run cold. He sprinted out of the kitchen and down toward's Price's office.

She was hunched over, head between her knees, wailing in pain. Price was knelt in front of her, rubbing her back and knees.

"Kyle's here, love." Price, moved to the side so Kyle could kneel in front of her. He pressed his head to hers. She blindly reached out to grab his arms, holding tight enough to leave bruises.

"I got you. I got you."

It was his turn to take care of her now. Because he loved her and that's what you did for the people you loved.

the time line might be a little fucky so forgive me, I'm bad at math

Tag List: @queen-ilmaree @macravishedbymactavish @gogh-with-the-flow @water-bearz @pvssytrux

[bi-lavelent]

Lone Wolf (Quinn Fabray x Fem-reader part 2)

Warning: Cussing, Bullying, Angst, Fluff

Maybe I realized I needed friends. But I definitely wasn’t gonna join the four weirdos. I wanted to find a club where I wouldn’t be rejected. I went home for the first time in a week. I kept my head down and waited to go to school the next day. As I entered the school. I headed towards the bulletin board to see if there was any clubs that it would be easy to join. But the only two that I saw was the Celibacy club and the Glee club. My Stupid sister was in the Celibacy Club. According to her most of the Cheerios were in it. It would be nice to have a sister hood but maybe a CO-ED team like glee would be great. Also one where I could still hookup with people as it helped me feel wanted.

I skipped a lot of classes like usual. It was Wednesday and I was sat under the bleachers watching the Cheerios practice. Those skirts were extremely sexy. Why couldn’t any of them like a little girl on girl sex here and there.

There was a stupid assembly today. I never bothered to show up to the assembly’s I thought that they were just a waste of time. I sat outside the gymnasium waiting to see if anything important happened. Like it ever would this school was boring as heck. I entered the gymnasium when I heard music I watched as the Glee club embarrassed themselves. Did this school need to talk about sex yes. But also we didn’t need a public display to push it. Those kids needed a role model one that was older than them not that I am much of a role model but I don’t think that those kids care.

I walked up to Mr.Schue after spanish class to talk to him about glee club.

“Hello sir, I was wondering if I could talk to you about auditioning for glee club.” I asked him

“Yeah totally Mrs.Y/L/N. Come to the glee club after school.” Mr.Schue said

I came in after school and sat in the choir room. Mr.Schue was late he was talking to Principal figgins about the assembly incident.

I walked over grabbed a gutair to play well I sang Something About A Woman by Jake Owen

She pulled her hair back to sun her shoulders Took the oil and rubbed it all over her soft skin Oh I'm a lucky man She wasn't wantin' any suntan lines so she Reached back and she untied that little string And then she smiled at me

And blew a kiss right off her fingertips I don't know what it is

But there's something about a woman Yeah some kind sweet little something That I may never understand Yeah some kind of gift they're given That makes this life worth livin' And it makes a man a man Oh there's nothing like that Somethin' about a woman

I sat there for a while and wondered And she took a nap there under that summer sky And then I realized

There are things in life that are meant to be Maybe left a mystery

Yeah like that something about a woman Yeah some kind sweet little something That I may never understand Yeah some kind of gift they're given That makes this life worth livin' And it makes a man a man Oh there's nothing like that Somethin' about a woman

Yeah some kind of gift they're given That makes this life worth livin' And it makes a man a man Oh I'm nothing without that Somethin' about a woman Oh about a woman

The next day I walked into the auditorium and Rachel was trying to seduce Finn and it worked it was funny watching him walk out with his boner showing straight through his pants. It was nice to finally have some dirt on two members of this new club I was in. That way if they did anything wrong to me. I could tell everybody there secret. Although Rachel’s attraction to Finn was obvious everybody in the school knew that she liked him.

I never talked to the school counselor. The last one when I came my freshman year the counselor did not understand what I was going through. Freshman year I got diagnosed with autism. Coach Sylvester found me in the hallway breaking down when i found out. It turns out her sister had Down syndrome. She took me in like I was one of her kids as much as she wanted me to join the Cheerios. She never forced me she just let me be myself and come talk to her when I needed her. But like everything with Sue it was a two way street she wouldn’t do anything if she didn’t get anything in return. Rather my sister knew it or not that’s why she was on the Cheerios.

So When I got called into her office I was expecting it to just be us like usual. Us talking to each other about life and her usual check-in that we had once a month over school. Although when I came in I saw my sister, Brittnay, Quinn and Santana. Apparently they had all signed up for glee to keep Finn away from Rachel. Little did they know that he had already made himself known to Rachel’s tongue. I wasn’t gonna tell them anything. Until Sue told us that we were to destroy glee club. I told Sue that I was gonna help so that I didn’t get in trouble with her; but sue can’t end everything that she doesn’t like I never was gonna help her do anything.

The girls seemed happy to destroy glee club. They seemed like Sue had brainwashed all of them. I bet that they were always this way. Even if my sister hadn’t changed. I guess they were all always bitches. Hot bitches but still. Sue let everyone go.

Sue had me stay behind to make sure I was okay. With the start of senior year. She had started to help me find scholarships last year. Although it was hard when I had no motivation to do anything. It seemed like a normal thing to do at McKinley to not know what college you were going to until four months before graduation. Sue and me had been trying to find a good job for me to do. We had looked into Nursing but all the programs seemed like they were rare to get into. Criminal justice sounded good til I realized that I would have to go into dangerous situations. I might seem tough but I’m actually really soft. We looked into me becoming a pilot something I really liked until we found out that no one with Autism could fly a plane. It’s stupid you would think that they would focus more on other mental illnesses but they didn’t. We came to forensic science last year Sue got in contact with someone she knew to let me shadow one last year. I ended up having nightmares for weeks after. I had no clue what I was gonna do with my life. Sue really encouraged me to graduate but that really depends on how this year goes. I am currently 17 and in June I could make my own decision which could mean not finishing high school. That’s what I was planning to do everyone in the school knew one thing about me and it was that I was a repeating senior next year.

“How you holding up?” She asked

“Good we’ve only been at school for a couple weeks.” I told her

“I’ve looked and you have been missing classes.” She said

“Do you get on your Cheerios like this?” I asked

“Look I’m looking out at what’s best for you” she said

“ I got it figured out.” I told her

“Is that why you’re gonna have to do an extra amount of school.” She told me

“I will start showing up to more classes.” I told her

“Okay, Just know that I’m looking out for you.” She told me

Sue had tried to help me stay out of bullying way the entire time I was at school. We both knew that if I got bullied and people started looking into me they could easily figure out my mental illness. I wouldn’t be able to even show my face at the school. They bully people who don’t even have mental problems. They call them names. If anything could happen if they found out that I had autism.

[your-divine-ribs]

what do you think your Van's would be like when it comes to meeting the parents? Either his or yours

Sorry whoever sent this a few weeks back, I completely forgot it was sat in my inbox xxx

💗 Dad Van

Van being the family man that he is was so tight with your whole family. Your parents absolutely adored him, after the boys that you'd dated growing up who were never good enough for you in your dad's eyes who inevitably then went on to break your heart, Van was like a knight in shining armour who came along and swept you off your feet.

Being the stickler for tradition that he was, he requested permission from your dad to ask for your hand in marriage before he proposed, and his heartfelt wedding vows had your mum in floods of tears at the ceremony. He'd given your parents two beautiful grandchildren and he clearly doted on you and the kids so he was just perfect in their eyes.

❤️ Red

You'd known Van for years and had made your disdain for him quite clear during the period before your feelings towards him had started to change. Your parents were regularly on the receiving end of your impassioned rants about his philandering ways and, needless to say, they weren't impressed with his behaviour. So when you broke down to your mum one night when you'd been eaten up with guilt over your affair, she was quite understandably horrified to learn that you were considering leaving your high school sweetheart Larry for him.

Two hours, a bottle of Pinot Grigio and a whole box of tissues later you'd spilled out your heart to your mum, your eyes puffy and red-rimmed and your throat hoarse from all the sobbing.

Your mum hugged you tight whilst drying your tears. “I can't tell you what to do love, only you know how you truly feel. All I can say from experience is that a few years down the line you'll have more regrets about the risks that you didn't take rather than the ones that didn’t work out. Be honest with yourself... do you love him? Does he love you? That's all the answers you need. You only get one life so you have to be true to yourself."

💖 I'm With the Band

Van totally charmed your parents with his sassy confidence and cheeky demeanour. When you first took him round to meet them he turned up with a bunch of flowers which you assumed were for you but instead he presented them to your mum with a flourish, tipping you a smug wink when she gushed about what a pleasure it was to meet him and what a nice boy he was. You just mouthed 'creep' to him and rolled your eyes when your mum wasn't looking but you secretly loved the fact that she was so taken with him.

🩶 Playing Hard to Get

Van had never met your parents, your relationship hadn’t got to that stage yet where you felt comfortable with suggesting taking that next step. You were well acquainted with Mary and Bernie though through your summer job working at their guesthouse. They were kind, friendly and generous employers, and you felt bad for taking advantage of their warm and trusting nature when you were skulking around playing your sordid teasing games with their son right under their noses. It wasn’t enough to stop you though, Van was just too tempting and you were having far too much fun.

🖤 Prof Van

You hadn't told your parents about your relationship with your Professor and you had no intention of doing so. They were helping to fund your degree studies and times were tough to say the least, so you knew they'd certainly not approve of your reckless affair which would surely lead to your ejection from university. Your parents had worked out that you had a love interest though, they knew you too well and you couldn't hide the dreamy look in your eyes and the flush in your cheeks when they teased you about the 'mystery boy' who'd caught your eye and stolen your heart. "

“You can't hide anything from us Y/N," your dad teased as you protested that you were still off boys since your ex had cheated on you. "I don't know why you're being so secretive about it. Me and your mum just want to meet the lucky guy who's responsible for putting that big smile on your face!"

They had already met him though, when they'd visited you on campus to help you pack up your belongings ready to go home for the Easter break. Little did they know that the charismatic Professor who they'd bumped into when they'd taken a tour around the History department who spoke so highly of their daughter being such a delight to teach had been railing her into oblivion that morning over the very desk that they were all sitting around.

💜 Pure

With your strict upbringing your parents didn't approve of your friendships with most boys, but there were a few they considered wholesome enough for you to spend time with. Those were usually the insufferably boring goody-two-shoes types they introduced you to at church socials. Of course they thought they were doing the right thing, sheltering you from the evils of the outside world, but what they didn't know was that preserving your innocence and naivety so steadfastly in the way that they had just made you all the more attractive to the darkness they so desperately tried to shield you from. Demons were sly and cunning, and your purity was such a sweet temptation to Van, the urge to corrupt you right under the nose of your watchful, god-fearing parents an irresistible lure.

❤️‍🔥 The Devil Next Door

You'd moaned and complained about your 'neighbour from hell' to your parents every chance you got, so naturally they were curious about the nuisance who was making their daughter's life a misery. So the next time they came to visit and they sighted Van propped up against the back door having a ciggie they were eager to introduce themselves to find out exactly how bad he was. You sat back expectantly in the kitchen, sure they'd be back within minutes to commiserate with you but it soon became quite obvious that they weren't in any rush to get away from Van's company.

What you hadn't been expecting was Van charming both your parents quite so much at their first meeting. You practically had to tear your dad away from the lively discussion that him and Van were having about the Euro qualifiers and your mum was actually blushing after Van had shamelessly showered her with compliments.

“I don't know what you're complaining about Y/N," she'd tutted at your dismay. "He seems like such a nice young man... very friendly... and he's quite cute too!" she added with a girlish giggle.

You just shot her a withering look.

🤍 Single Dad Van

Van was a bundle of nerves when you took him to meet your parents for the first time. He was so keen to make a good impression and was well aware that the additional baggage that came with being a divorcee with children probably wasn't the most attractive prospect for their daughter's new partner. He'd been out of the dating game for a while too so he worried incessantly that he'd say or do the wrong thing at the family meal that he'd been invited to.

He really didn't need to fret, he was so polite and charming that your parents warmed to him straight away. Any preconceived ideas they had were obliterated pretty quickly when they saw the two of you together and the soft and tender way that Van acted around you like he truly adored you.

💙 Ice Cold

Introducing your parents to the man who was currently topping the National Crime Agency's Most Wanted list wasn't really something you could ever imagine happening. So it was a complete shock when your mum let herself into your apartment out of the blue one Sunday morning when you and Van were in the kitchen preparing breakfast.

"Y/N!" She'd gasped, her eyes flicking between you and Van who was standing there shirtless at the kitchen counter, buttering toast. "I thought you were away this weekend. I was just coming round to drop off a... a..."

Her voice trailed off as her eyes darted back to Van, slipping down his naked torso to linger on the puckered scar of a recent bullet wound that you'd painstakingly stitched up.

"Mum!" You'd gulped in shock, dropping the tea-towel you'd been holding to surreptitiously cover the shiny silver handgun that was lying on the counter-top. "I was supposed to be away but there was a change of plan. This is... errr... this is... Van... my... errr... friend..."

An awkward exchange followed before you had chance to usher your mum out the door, her inquisitive and nosey nature prompting her to ask Van what he did for a living, his quick reply that he was in the extermination business raising eyebrows. You thought you might die there and then on the spot but thankfully your mum took that to mean he had a job working in pest control! You didn't bother trying to correct her.

[jazlynriddle]

Welcome to your life - Pt 3:

It's My Own Design Ch 2:

Summary:

Ominis fought to control his expression, to keep his hands from trembling. Five years. Five years since he'd seen his parents, and this. This was the reason they'd given him the honour of their time? This was the reason they'd sought him out at Hogwarts?

The bitterness welling up within him was thick enough to gag on.

New year, new allies, new responsibilities, new avenues of revenue, and new aspects of their own Ancient Magic to explore. As the Keeper and their partners enter their last year at Hogwarts, it remains to be seen if the new school year will bring with it new problems or adversaries, but they are confident in the strength of their relationship with Sebastian and Ominis. The three of them would endure, no matter what befell them.

And if they were wrong?

What a joke, they would suffer no alternative.

Warnings: Sebastian x MC x Ominis! Drug Addiction! Spoilers! Slow-burn corruption! Dark content! Fucked up 1800s orphanages! MC has no love for Anne or Solomon! Dubious happy ending (it's happy for MC, Seb and Ominis at least).

You can also read on AO3! (chapter specific warnings below)

Notes:

Warnings: Characters getting PTSD triggered, meltdowns, an absurd amount of foliage lore, gardening, and mentions of feet. Not necessarily in that order.

As hinted in the last chapter of Part Two, our kids are starting to grow up and things like finances are starting to matter real fast.

So, this chapter is going to establish some things that the kids didn't pay very much attention to up till now.

As well as establish the current state of their relationship after the events of Part Two since that epilogue was a bit more general.

Also, my end notes are very long this chapter, I'm sorry, I couldn't pick anything to leave out- TvT

"How's the stability looking on your side?” The Keeper's voice called out, and Sebastian could hear them making their way around the construction site towards him.

He hummed, as they came to a stop beside him, where Sebastian was still crouched. Inspecting the rows of bricks that he'd been carefully aligning and stacking with levitation charms, meticulously shaping them into walls for the last five hours or so.

Standing, he breathed a sigh. “I feel like we should stop here so it can dry, before setting the next layer of bricks. I'm guessing it's the same on your end.”

The Keeper made a distant sound of approval, also surveying the site. “Yes, I think we've done as much as we can today.”

“Not bad for our first day, guess I'll go find Ominis then.” Sebastian flashed them a tired but satisfied grin, guessing that, before leaving, they'd want to speak with-

“Indeed, we're off to a good start. You go ahead, I'll speak with Tynx and then join the two of you at the landing strip in a bit.” The Keeper nodded, patting him on the shoulder before striding towards the other end of the site, where Tynx was also stacking bricks.

Sebastian grinned fondly, his lover was predictable, if nothing else, and he tucked his wand away, before setting off as well. His boots tapped against the cobblestone path that meandered through the grassy courtyard and paved the way to the greenhouses. One of the first things the elves had constructed, seeing as melting snow was awful to walk through.

The late afternoon sun was becoming warmer than comfortable with the arrival of summer, and he tugged absently at the open collar of his light blue button-down. The days were getting longer too, and the Keeper had already made an attempt to continue working till the sun went down, but Ominis was adamant that their lover would be getting more sleep this holiday than their last summer break.

As he neared the southern wall, where the greenhouses stood, Sebastian's eyes idly roved over the land as it were, blanketed by the sun's rays. The castle's courtyard was still covered with tools and materials, barrels of metal ore from the caves that they'd used to craft the cell doors and such. Large boxes tucked under the more beautiful trees that they'd left standing to decorate the grassy lawn that Tibsy had been trimming and neatening.

Sebastian didn't think himself much of an artist, but even he could see that the young elf had a good eye and skill in pruning shrubbery. They were lucky enough to have several bushes of Myrica Gale, a raisin scented shrub that repelled insects and could even be made into tea or essential oils that soothe skin irritation and acne.

They also had small patches of Purple Saxifrage oppositifolia growing like an elegant carpet of small, rounded flowers over the grass. Ominis had been happy when Sebastian found that these spring and summer flowers were even known to relieve indigestion. As well as some scattering of Calluna Vulgaris, which were good for treating inflammation, though the Keeper had originally mistaken it for lavender, until Ominis’ nose had protested their visual conclusion.

It had been a lot of fun, the three of them working to identify the various plants within their territory, over the course of the past year, before Sebastian would comb the Hogwarts Library for information on them. The greatest gem they'd found, however, had been on the plains, near the foot of the hill on which Dìon stood.

The Scilla Luciliae, a plant that produced Squill bulbs. A much sought after ingredient of the Felix Felicis potion that, like the Bloodroot, was likely a relic of the previous owner of this land, since it wasn't native to this region. They'd transferred all instances of this plant to the greenhouses the moment they were ready and had the elves harvest the bulbs to sell, whilst they were buried in exams in June.

While the plant itself was not rare, they only flowered for harvesting in spring and didn’t grow in the United Kingdom, so these were fairly valuable. According to Tynx's report yesterday, those bulbs of Squill alone had carried most of their expenses on the construction tools that they couldn't transfigure for the castle building.

Still, despite all the construction, the courtyard was actually beginning to look like owned property. This morning, the Keeper had suggested placing a fountain in the middle of the courtyard, in front of the house, like the one in Hogwarts, and Sebastian could already imagine how polished the castle would feel with small touches like that.

Though, sadly, Ominis had shot down his suggestion of placing gargoyles with menacing sharp teeth about the parapets as well, a pity since Sebastian thought it'd look brilliant.

Poking his head through the greenhouse's door, he couldn’t help the smile that formed when he spotted Ominis busying about the greenhouse in an apron and gloves. The sun's light caught on the tips of his hair and fair skin, setting him aglow, as the soft sound of hisses drifted through the air as his lover chatted with the snakes. Even after a year, Sebastian could still barely believe that the beautiful boy he'd admired for so many years was his.

“While you decide if you're coming in or not, at least close the door. You're disturbing the atmosphere's humidity.” Ominis huffed, rolling his eyes as he harvested a dittany's leaves.

Sebastian grinned and stepped in, letting the door close behind him. “Just enjoying the view.”

“Of the greenhouse?” Ominis asked with some confusion as he dropped the leaves into a basket.

“Of you.” Sebastian quipped cheerfully, and with a few quick strides, he was wrapping his arms around Ominis waist, happily tucking his face against the slender exposed neck that was peeking through a loose thin white blouse.

“Ugh, Merlin's beard, Sebastian, it's already far too warm in here.” Ominis protested, peeling his cheek from his clingy boyfriend's forehead.

The twin snakes behind them hissed and Ominis let out a quiet laugh that made Sebastian hum curiously, still busy nuzzling against the pleasantly soft skin of his lover's neck, sticky or no. Perfectly content with the likelihood of being the butt of the joke, if it made the blond laugh like that.

“So, did you have a purpose, or did you just come here to make me feel more unbearably hot?” Ominis sighed, resigned to having an octopus attached to him and not getting any more work done.

“More hot? I don't think that's possible, you're already incredibly hot.” Sebastian grinned, unable to resist lapping at the tempting beads of moisture on Ominis’ skin.

“Ugh, stop it, Sebastian!” Ominis protested, redness climbing up along his neck, and to his ears, as he renewed his attempts to wiggle free.

Sebastian chuckled and released his grip, holding his hands up in surrender. “Alright, alright, we're done with building the castle for the day. If you too have naught else to do, we can return to Feldcroft.”

Ominis removed his gloves and rubbed a hand over his neck with a huff. “Well, I suppose I can leave the remaining plants for tomorrow.”

“Nice, looks like we've got a lot of potion ingredients this harvest.” Sebastian nodded, peering into the basket.

“Hopefully the potions we make from them sell well. I was listening to Tynx's report yesterday and I honestly thought we'd have more left over from the Squill bulbs.” Ominis sighed as he tidied up, removed his apron, and put the basket away under the potting tables, giving the snakes a farewell kiss on the snout each.

Sebastian placed an arm around his shoulders when he was done, the sound of hisses fading as Sebastian pushed the door open. “It'll be fine, we're getting on well enough, with the elves foraging a fair portion of our food and building materials from our land itself.”

“That it may be... it certainly helps that we need only worry about food during the holidays, when we can help with hunting and fishing.” Ominis nodded, letting Sebastian guide him through the door. “However, while it's fine to live off the land for now, since it's only during the holidays and gives the environment time to replenish while we're at school, it's not sustainable and we're definitely going to need to start work quickly after graduation.”

“Yeah, we could probably use another elf too, Tynx and Tibsy are probably running themselves ragged, though I know they’d never complain, but that would cost even more money.” Sebastian grimaced, all things he never had to think about much before. “Maybe I should take on a part time job too... Guess that's what it's like becoming adults.”

“Stressful. Though... they've been worrying about this kind of thing for a lot longer than us." Ominis flashed a strained smile, thinking of the Keeper for a moment, before shrugging off Sebastian's arm to take his hand instead. While it was cooler outside the greenhouse, it was still far too hot to be that close.

“They grew up faster than us... I mean, I'm grateful to have had their support, but it's sad that they had to.” Sebastian murmured, absently rubbing circles on the back of Ominis’ hand.

The three of them had long since pooled their funds together, which consisted of the small allowances Ominis’ family still sent him, Sebastian's half of his parents’ modest inheritance and the Keeper's... earnings. Specifically, money earned from fulfilling requests, plundered from the Ashwinders and goblins, obtained from selling relics that they'd unearthed from ruins, materials from beasts and spiders, and more recently, the more valuable materials that the elves had gathered off the land.

In truth, the Keeper's contribution made up a vast majority of said funds pool and they had basically been paying for pretty much everything up to this point. They'd never even asked Sebastian or Ominis to help with managing the finances and he hadn't thought of offering either, content to leave such complicated calculations and decisions to them.

“We can't change that, but we can do our best to share that burden.” Ominis smiled wryly and Sebastian nodded.

He really should start being more aware of this stuff, rather than always relying on the Keeper to run the numbers and worry about their finances, after all, he'd be entering the working world in a year. As they cut across the grass to reach the landing strip, Ominis paused halfway and bent down to scratch irritably at his ankle.

“Ugh, bloody grass.” Ominis muttered when Sebastian made a curious sound.

“Something wrong with your ankle?”

Sebastian looked up at the Keeper’s voice, their expression concerned as they approached with Sepulchria in tow.

“Nothing, it's just the grass, it's scratchy and tall, and it keeps getting under my pants. Of course, the one time I decided to wear short socks.” Ominis grumbled with a grimace.

“Hm.” The Keeper crouched to examine their grass. “Admittedly this grass has been a bit of a bother, Tynx says that it takes Tibsy a long time to trim them every week. Perhaps we should replace the grass in our courtyard.”

“Yes please, a white clover lawn would be lovely. My hom-” Ominis caught himself with a wince, clearing his throat. “My parents’ home has a lawn of white clovers and it's really comfortable, soft like a carpet. I could run about barefooted, and I'm told it looks beautiful too.”

“That sounds nice, I'll tell Tynx to purchase some seeds.” The Keeper smiled, deciding to let that moment slide as Ominis seemed to wish, giving him a kiss on the cheek with a small smirk. “Come on, let's get back to the house and you can run about barefooted so I can see if it’s beautiful.”

Ominis frowned at their tone. “I have no idea what double entendre that was supposed to be.”

The Keeper chuckled. “You'll be surprised how many people find bare feet to be sexually appealing.”

Ominis’ eyes widened. “Feet!?”

“I mean, you do have pretty feet.” Sebastian commented thoughtfully.

“I what!?”

“Close your eyes.”

The Keeper's eyes slid shut without hesitation.

“I want you to picture a place. Somewhere safe, somewhere secure.” Ominis murmured, the three of them sitting cross-legged on the bed in the Feldcroft cottage, clean and full, the scent of their dinner still hanging in the air. “Let me know when you have one.”

The Keeper thought for a moment. Safe... quickly the Undercroft came to mind, the place that they trusted enough to hide the Repository. Yet, it was a part of Hogwarts, and was not truly theirs. The Trial grounds they'd found in Gringotts? That was secure they supposed, only accessible by one with Ancient Magic. Dìon? It wasn't completely secure yet, but it would be.

“Done.” Sebastian didn't seem to have quite as much hesitation, and they imagined that his was easily the Undercroft.

“The appearance of the location can be changed later, it's just symbolic, as long as you feel that it's a safe place to hide your memories.” Ominis smiled, guessing what was taking the Keeper awhile.

The Keeper chuckled, very well, Dìon then. For now, the most secure place in there was the Dungeons, so they pictured the third basement floor. “Done.”

“Next, imagine doors, many doors. Behind each door is a part of you. You may define them any way you wish. Age, location, people, or even aspects of your personality, whatever is comfortable.” Ominis continued.

Easy enough, the Dungeons were already filled with doors. The Keeper considered how they'd sort it, eventually settling on time and age to start with. They visualised the space, walking through the corridor, and allocating the time-period of a year to seventeen cells. They then created eight cells for the older orphans that they wanted to find, three for their caretakers at the orphanage, one for Solomon, one for Rookwood and Harlow, and one for Ranrok.

They hesitated for a moment, before envisioning another three secret rooms, hidden in the wall on the opposite end of the stairs descending into their mindscape. A room for memories involving Sebastian, a room for Ominis, and a room for Professor Fig and the Elder Keepers.

They thought for a moment more, before going back to the cells to assign one to Anne and another four for the friends they'd made in Hogwarts.

“Done.” The Keeper murmured and they waited with Ominis for a few more minutes before Sebastian echoed their statement.

“Now, imagine protection for these doors.” Ominis nodded. “Lace them with memories of pain. You want to shock any intruders that try to access them and force them to withdraw from your mind.”

The Keeper felt their eyebrows raise, well, that was easy too. They dug into the depths of their memories for pain, the pain of broken bones, of rent flesh, of air just out of reach, the nauseating burn of humiliation, of shattered dignity and broken pride. They poured their pain into the bars of the cells, melting it into metal. Anyone wanting to access their memories would need to touch that agony.

“Done.” Sebastian's voice was tight, and theirs wasn't much better when they gave their own affirmation.

They felt Ominis’ hand slip into their own and the residual discomfort from recalling painful memories eased some.

“Next, remember something safe for others to view, something boring.” Ominis’ instructions continued. “Something benign. Fill the open space with it.”

The Keeper thought back to their classes, pulling forth a memory of listening to Professor Sharp's lecture and letting it fill the room. “Done.”

“Done.” Sebastian followed.

“Alright, you can open your eyes now, but try to keep the place you envisioned in your mind.” Ominis’ smile was the first thing that their open eyes gravitated to as he spoke, before they glanced at Sebastian, noting his adorably focused expression and they quickly felt the image of the Dungeons begin to slip away.

The Keeper frowned and gripped tighter onto the visualised space, trying to remember the memory they'd filled the room with, rather than fresh thoughts of how handsome their boys were. This was turning out to be more challenging than they'd expected.

“Now, you remember the incantation, yes?” Ominis continued. “You can take turns practising the Legilimency Spell on each other, while trying to hold onto that representation of your mind. Though I will forewarn you, while I am admittedly unsure of how it'll feel, my siblings never seemed particularly excited for their lessons.”

“Duly noted. Would you like to go first, Sebastian?” The Keeper asked with a teasing smile.

“And let you learn from my failure? No thanks, I'll let you go first, for the small chance that you might.” Sebastian grinned back.

“You think I'll muck up a spell on my first go?” The Keeper drew their wand with a snort.

“First time for everything, love.” Sebastian winked.

“Fair, ready?” The Keeper smirked, waiting for his expression to focus again with a nod, before staring into Sebastian's eyes and swishing their wand, the way that Ominis had shown them before. “Legilimens.”

It was a strange feeling, one moment they were staring into Sebastian's warm brown eyes, and the next, they were standing in the Undercroft. There were doors fitted into the walls and they could feel, as though in the back of their mind, a memory of Professor Hecat demonstrating a spell, a mild sensation of curiosity and a tinge of anxiety drifting through the air.

Somehow, the whole place felt distinctly Sebastian. If that made any sense, and curiously, unlike their own greyscale mindscape, Sebastian's actually had colour. His own fascination fluttered about them as they examined the space, tinged with some exasperation because of course you got it on your first try, as usual. The Keeper smothered their own amusement, enjoying the comforting warmth of his affection swirling about them. Such a wonderful feeling, wrapped around every stray thought that whispered through their senses.

Stepping further into his mind, they moved towards one of the closed doors, feeling his apprehension ripple through the air. As they reached a hand forward, the Keeper could already feel a creeping numbness begin to crawl up their fingers. Bracing themselves, they gripped the door handle.

Immediately, it felt as though the very air had been pulled from their lungs, their body became laden with weight, their muscles seized up uncontrollably, and their stomach filled with ice, while their heart was firmly encased in the tight grip of despair. Of sorrow and loss, of hurt and betrayal, loneliness and abandonment, and a grief that was overwhelming in its agony.

They recoiled, as though burned, and the space around them warped, all of Sebastian's present thoughts and feelings overridden by these turbulent emotions and sensations. Losing their grip on the spell, the Keeper was ejected from his mind.

As they returned to themselves, the Keeper found their breaths laboured and the sound of Sebastian's own heavy breathing filled their ears.

How could anyone live with that? How could he continue to love, after having loved so deeply, and lost so horribly?

It was so different, Sebastian's suffering, yet no more or less than their own. Different but equally agonising and more than unbearable. Perhaps it was because they hadn't gotten used to that specific pain, they hadn't grown and learned to live with it as a part of themselves. A grief over a loss they’d never experienced, so foreign and sudden, jarring and nauseating.

“A- are you alright?” Ominis asked with a worried frown.

“Yes.” The Keeper forced out as they caught their breath, trying to focus on Sebastian through the moisture gathering in their eyes.

Within them swirled an instinctive desperation, welling within them in response to his emotions, yet the feeling itself was slowly receding from their mind. Much like how one would be unable to hold on to physical sensations after it had passed, the fact of its occurrence could be recalled, but not re-experienced without the root of said feelings buried in one's self.

They took a steadying breath. “It's starting to fade... and you, Sebastian?”

“...yeah..." He grimaced, shaking his head. “Well, that was unpleasant.”

“Sorry about that.” The Keeper pressed a hand to his cheek, feeling some relief at being able to touch him, to tell themselves that he wasn't about to crumble like an illusion. The foreign, yet raw sensation of loss gradually bleeding from their aching and throbbing heart.

“It's alright, we're testing our defences. If anything, it is I who should be apologising.” Sebastian smiled wryly.

“Not at all, it's a good thing that your defences are painful enough to throw me out like that. In a manner of speaking.” The Keeper shook their head and Sebastian gave a strained chuckle in response.

“I imagine entering someone's mind is a very intimate and fraught experience.” Ominis murmured, rubbing his thumbs soothingly over both the hands that were still within his grasp.

“It certainly is, but I'm glad to have done so. I have a new respect for you, Sebastian.” The Keeper smiled sadly, the moisture in their eyes finally swelling enough to roll down their cheek. “Living and enduring despite such pain, even though it must be terrifying. I'm proud of you, proud to have your trust.”

Sebastian's eyes were wide with wonder as he reached across to touch the wetness on their cheek. He hadn't thought his pain enough to draw tears from his stoic and seemingly fearless lover.

It’d been Anne who'd been hurt, Anne who was cursed, what did it matter that he had been alone, fighting to save her, that he had been hurt just as badly when she'd been ripped from his side. No one had paid any mind to him when he was lost, blind and adrift in a storm without a sail, rowing desperately in search of the shore, a vine without support.

After all, it was Anne who'd been hurt.

The moisture against his fingertips was indescribably precious, a tiny, shattered bead of light, healing his very soul.

Sebastian's cheeks were warm, and his trembling smile was soft, vulnerable, unlike his usual cocky grins. “That's... thank you, it's... quite something, to have someone genuinely understand my pain. To know they literally do.”

“I can imagine...” The Keeper shook their head with a sad smile, thinking of the pain they’d felt in him, the betrayal and hurt, a raw wound still festering even now. Goddamn Solomon, their hatred for that man would never die.

The fucker never cared, or perhaps never understood, what he was doing to his own blood, to the nephew he was supposed to love and guide. The kin he should have been comforting, rather than hurting. Solomon was supposed to be Sebastian's rock, his support and shield to weather any storm, someone he could rely on, but instead Solomon had bared his sharp edges at Sebastian.

The man merely berated him for trying to reclaim his happiness, for needing an outlet and course of action after being hurt. Ominis, who wasn't even family, had tried to be there for Sebastian far more than his uncle ever did, or Anne for that matter. Though, they would give that Anne wasn't in much condition to support him, that was supposed to be the job of adults like Solomon.

“We'll always be here for you, to share both your pains and joys.” The Keeper caught his hand in theirs as he withdrew it, squeezing his fingers, seeking to communicate the firmness of their conviction with their grip. To lighten the weight of his ever-looming despair and give him the reassurance they now knew he needed. “I will never abandon you or give up on you.”

“Forever and always.” Ominis nodded in agreement, lifting Sebastian's hand in his grasp, and pressing a kiss to it. “I may not be able to feel your pain through Legilimency, but I will always try to help you bear it.”

Sebastian swallowed thickly, finding it difficult to speak, but forcing the words out anyway. “I- thank you... both of you.”

The Keeper released his hand with a smile, allowing him space to collect himself for a moment and taking the time to do the same, scrubbing their sleeve over their eyes.

“Should we stop here?” Ominis asked, his voice laced with concern.

“No, it’s- it’s fine, I can keep going.” Sebastian closed his eyes and breathed deeply, the tension loosening from his body, before he looked up, his expression resolute. “Alright, your turn then.”

At his words, the Keeper took a deep breath, pushing aside the residual emotions and focusing on their mindscape as Sebastian drew his wand.

“Ready?” He asked and they nodded. “Legilimens.”

A moment of anticipatory silence later, Sebastian sighed with a grumble. “How in Merlin's name are you always able to get a spell right on your first attempt?”

The Keeper chuckled, while Ominis smiled and gave him a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. “Don't be discouraged, it's an incredibly difficult spell. At least you can learn it at all, training for it begins with eye contact, so I can't even attempt to practice the basics.”

“Is it possible to use this spell without eye contact?” The Keeper asked curiously.

“Theoretically, I suppose. However, I've never known anyone to achieve such an advanced level of skill. Then again, the art is considered illegal and anyone who had such capability would likely never admit it.” Ominis shrugged, and Sebastian gave an intrigued hum, before shaking his head.

“Alright, let's try again.” Sebastian nodded and the Keeper focused again on their mental visualisation as he met their eyes, raising his wand. “Legilimens.”

It was bizarre, feeling him inside them, like a warm little light floating through the cool air of their dungeon mindscape. The urge to cuddle him, to wrap their entire being around him, was unbearable with him so close, within their very mind like this. He drifted about for a while, and they wondered if he could feel their love for him, like they'd felt his.

The Keeper felt a moment of concern as he approached one of the cells. They knew that they had to, but they were still worried about him touching their defences. He was already so hurt, they didn't much desire to burden him with theirs too.

His fingers touched the bars, and the explosion of pain hit like a bludgeon to the head. That familiar disgust that crawled under the skin, that made them want to tear at it, and rip it all off just to get it out. Then, Sebastian was gone, and they were left disoriented, trembling upon the mattress once more.

Several minutes passed, the sharp sensation slowly ebbing as they struggled to steady their breathing, swallowing hard to keep the nausea down, and rubbing their thumb over their wrists to soothe the prickling skin.

The Keeper gave a strained laugh. “...congratulations, second try.”

“Yay.” Sebastian groaned, his hand covering his mouth like he was about to be sick.

“You alright there?” The Keeper asked with a concerned frown, a little perturbed with themselves that the words came out slightly shaky, as if their own feelings were anything new.

“Let's just say that I was expecting the physical pain, but the emotional... Well, it was a lot more horrific than I could possibly imagine.” Sebastian shuddered, releasing Ominis’ hand, and reaching out to draw the Keeper into a tight embrace.

“As were yours..." The Keeper murmured, their voice muffled as he pressed their face into his shoulder, rubbing his hands over their back and arms, as though seeking to scrape off the disgust and disgrace still clinging to and crawling all over their skin.

They hadn't thought it'd hit so hard, even after Sebastian had said it literally a few minutes ago, but it was insane, realising that he now understood on an intuitive level, exactly how their pain felt. That someone now knew the exact way that their skin burned and itched when...

That someone knew exactly what to give them. What they needed.

It was such a foreign feeling, in fact, that they were suddenly feeling uncomfortable with said fact. This was probably the most vulnerable they'd ever been. Sebastian had only touched their pain, hadn't even delved any deeper into them, and already he had a level of power that no one had ever had over them. The ability to give them precisely what they needed.

The Keeper swallowed, fear creeping up their spine, but they pushed it back down. They'd already decided to trust him and Ominis, all those months ago, when they were struggling with withdrawal from their addiction. Or perhaps the fear came from those feelings of loss they’d tasted in Sebastian, a fear that that pain might someday find its home in their own heart.

Taking a deep breath, they allowed Sebastian's touch to drive away the lingering nausea, before straightening, his grip loosening to allow them to withdraw. “I'm alright, Sebastian... thank you.”

“You don't always have to be.” Sebastian replied, his expression uncomfortably knowing, and the Keeper nodded silently, trying to collect themselves.

“I think we can stop here for today.” Ominis wore a strained smile as he reached out to pull both of them close, and placed a kiss on their foreheads, one after the other.

“How'd we do Professor Gaunt?” The Keeper asked, struggling to inject some levity into their voice, tucking their head under his chin comfortably.

“Very well, honestly. My siblings took several days to even breach each other's minds. Though, perhaps your willingness and trust in each other made it easier. I assure you that it is a testament to the strength that both of you have over your minds, that your defences even deployed correctly with so little preparation and practice.” Ominis was quiet for a few moments before continuing. “In truth, I'm not sure if there are other means of protecting memories, I'm only teaching what I learned and I don't know how any of that actually feels...”

The Keeper frowned at the carefully concealed bitterness in his voice, one they might have missed if they hadn't felt his fingers twitch on their shoulder.

Sebastian hummed thoughtfully. “I'd wager your family uses this method of achieving Occlumency because it works regardless of the individual's pain tolerance. After all, everyone's pain is different, and one cannot have built a tolerance for someone else's pain because they have not learnt to cope or live with it.”

“So, it hits with the impact of a sudden traumatic experience, enough to disrupt the focus of the intruder.” The Keeper nodded absently, lifting their head from Ominis’ shoulder to examine his expression.

“Exactly.” Sebastian nodded, seeming entirely lost in his churning thoughts and analysis. “I think it even helps that the person, whose mind is being invaded, can't think of anything else when the defences are triggered, thus concealing their own present thoughts. Bit of an extreme way to protect one's memories, putting yourself through a traumatic breakdown, but I have to admit, it works nonetheless.”

As Sebastian spoke, the Keeper observed Ominis’ expression. There was something almost wistful around the corners of his eyes, and perhaps some frustration in the tightness of his lips, and they recalled his words prior. I may not be able to feel your pain through Legilimency.

“Ominis... are you-” The Keeper spoke, almost without noticing it themselves, catching themselves and Sebastian's attention, before taking Ominis’ hand in their own. “Could you share with us how you're feeling?”

Ominis sighed, he should have known that he wouldn't be able to hide, sometimes he wondered if his lover was an actual mind reader. It probably would have upset him, if they hadn't proven their surprising loyalty to Sebastian and himself so quickly. If anything, it ended up being something of a relief, to not need to draw attention purposefully, to not feel guilty for being overly needy when upset.

“I- it's... incredibly inappropriate.” He shifted uncomfortably, drawing confidence from the soothing circles that the Keeper was rubbing against the back of his hand. “But, at the risk of coming off crudely, I suppose, I am... envious. Not of the pain, but well, the ability to share it in such an intimate manner.”

“I just, I try not to think about it. I can function just fine on my own, I don't- I don't need it but- but there's just... there's so many things I just can't understand, colours, and light and-” Ominis smoothed a hand over his hair, finding it difficult to put his feelings into words, his fist tightening when it returned to his lap. “And now, there's yet another thing I can't share, that I can't experience, and it's with the two of you and it's just- it's so- frustrating.”

“All because of some preposterous concept of purity that drove my ancestors to bed their blasted siblings to the point where I was born- born broken!” Ominis covered his mouth as the last word came out, a shaky breath choking past his lips.

“Love...” The Keeper murmured, placing their hand gently on his arm. “You're not broken...”

“I know!” Ominis burst out, shaking their hand off, his breathing agitated and his voice rising with anguish. “But I want- I want to share my pain with the two of you! I want to have that understanding! I know it's selfish, it's childish, but I just- it's not fair!”

His voice broke on the last words, shattering Sebastian's restraint along with them.

“But you have!” Sebastian exclaimed, reaching past the Keeper to grab Ominis by the shoulders and shake him. “Ominis! You're doing it right now!”

Ominis’ eyes were wide, and Sebastian's voice cracked, tight with emotion. “Don't call yourself selfish or childish for wanting to connect with us! Because you're right. It's not fair. And you don't have to be okay with it!”

Ominis’ breathing began to slow as Sebastian's hands clenched tightly around his shoulders, his eyes quickly filled with tears, and they rolled down his fair skin in thin streams.

“Ominis. Sebastian and I may have touched each other's pain, but without the empathy and love for each other, it would have done nothing to connect us.” The Keeper gently dabbed at the wetness on his cheeks with their sleeve. “We merely attained a quick shortcut in exchange for a jarring reminder. What you've done just now is the same, and you've felt our pain before, remember?”

Ominis’ breath caught, recalling this very cottage, holding Sebastian in his arms as the boy was overcome with fear and regret, sobbing on the floor hard enough to pass out. The Keeper sitting on a step as they panicked over their addiction and loss of magical control, the trap they'd run headfirst into with reckless abandon.

Ominis closed his eyes with a weak smile. They were right, he'd already felt them, held them, both of them, when they were at their lowest, when they needed him. It wasn't like his family, where he was left alone, left out, where no one bothered to explain things to him, things he had no way of understanding. Where he was treated like an afterthought.

Perhaps, the Keeper was right here too, even if he had been able to use Legilimency, he might still not have been able to understand his parents or his siblings. He might still not have been able to understand how they could cast the Cruciatus curse on him, when he'd loved them so much. Perhaps, even with Legilimency, they might not have understood how he'd felt, might not have cared enough to understand.

He sniffed, hiccupping lightly as he felt the Keeper's arm around his shoulder and then Sebastian's, then the warmth of their breaths against his cheeks and the press of their foreheads against his.

“T- thank you...” Ominis could barely get the words out, but his heart was light and for once...

...he wasn't the odd one out.

Notes:

Sebastian: *pokes Ominis in the cheek* Also, how dare you insult my boyfriend. Ominis: *teary laughter* Keeper: Smooth. Sebastian: Why, thank you. — It may sound strange, but I feel like people who have to struggle with PTSD are actually mentally strong, the amount of control that one must exert in order to not lose their sanity when encountering trauma should not be understated or underestimated. As such, I headcanon that people with PTSD, thanks to the compartmentalising required to cope with trauma, are likely to be skilled at Occlumency.

Also, did you know that some people can mentally visualise imagery from memory with colour, but some can't? There are also people who can't visualise at all too, and not because they're blind x'D

I think that people tend to forget that when someone gets hurt or falls ill, the people who love them get hurt too. Some people cope by fighting and kids especially, don't know how to direct that energy and they need guidance. The whole “well, other people have it worse” argument literally does nothing but victim blame and shame. Sure, it could be worse, but it also could be better and there's no reason to shame someone or beat yourself up for wishing it were better.

I think Ominis being a rare case of incurable blindness must be absolutely isolating, on top of being a Gaunt and having that shit reputation. It's already difficult irl, for blind people to socialise when it's not rare to this extent and we see many instances of the game's NPCs forgetting about Ominis being blind.

There's no way all of that isn't bothering him. Like, imagine someone asking you, “Why are you blind? It's curable, isn't it?” Well, not for me bitch, thanks for assuming I had a choice and chose to remain disabled. Rude.

It's the whole, “I may not need it to survive, but I need/want it to be happy” kind of thing and Ominis’ struggle with admitting it is a “well, I don't need it, and I don't want you to think less of me, but maybe I do want it.”

Just because he can live and function perfectly fine on his own and he's proud of that and doesn't have that type of performance self-esteem issue, doesn't mean that being treated without respect or consideration, or treated like an outsider that people avoid just because they don't know how to interact with him and they'd worry about what they can and can't say or do around him, wouldn't frustrate the living shit out of him.

Because here's the thing, while it sounds so easy, like oh, if only we could read each other's minds, we'd understand. No. No, that's pure bullshit. If you care enough about each other, you will eventually come to understand each other, with enough time, effort, and communication. But if there isn't care, all the mind reading and telepathy in the world wouldn't help.

If there isn't mutual respect and empathy and genuine desire to work hard to understand each other, even Jesus can't save that relationship. There aren't shortcuts to relationships, familial or romantic or platonic. It's blood and sweat and mistakes and forgotten birthdays and broken promises, it's trying over and over to understand the other, even when you're tired and frustrated and burned out by everything.

So, if you're trying and you know the other person is trying, you'll eventually understand them. Even if that still ends up in a parting of ways due to irreconcilable differences in way of thinking, at least I can say that, you'll understand them and you'll understand why it didn't work out.

(It's also kinda fucked up for Ominis’ parents to basically say “I'd rather my kids get a traumatic breakdown than leak info from their brain”, but we're talking about people who crucioed their own kid. So.)

[morshrill]

My head injury was back when I was in high school the summer before my junior year I worked at a local boat rental. Towards the end of the summer we had a family come in and rent a canoe but all our boats that we had already taken out were rented out so we needed to get another one down. My coworker was on break at the time and I had been getting canoes up and down by myself all summer so I didn't think too much about going in to get a boat myself. That canoe was on our highest rack about 6ft up and I was only 5' 6"-5' 7" at the time (I am 5' 9"now) and the canoes were about 200lbs. I remember going in to get it and then I remember it being on the ground next to me and yelling "FUCK!" It was a pretty severe head injury, I had to entirely relearn to write, I had taken three years of Spanish and was very good at it and considering a future career as a translator and lost all of it, I generally had a ton of issues with motor control and balance and had a lot of issues walking and talking, a longer lasting symptom I've had is I lose words and have a bit of a stutter now which I never had any issues with my speech before (these days it's mostly if I'm feeling anxious/flustered though because as long as I am thinking and paying attention I can prevent it from happening in more comfortable conversation). I missed about a month of school and was dizzy and had severe head pain for MONTHS afterwards. My mom's caring and appropriate response was not to take me to the doctor but to drop me off at my grandma's house for a month because I was in her way being so disabled, my grandma did take me to the doctor tho, he specialized in concussions and head injuries and said mine was one of the worst ones he had seen in 30 years of practice. These days I'm a lot better, I still have some issues with losing words and stuttering but I've got a lot of my balance stuff back and can walk and write and do all that stuff. I actually recently tried roller skating again which is something I used to be able to do before the canoe attack, I'm not as good as I was but I was able to get it somewhat so I was happy about that.

Honestly I'm always tired lol, even if I sleep all day everyday that doesn't make me anymore energised than I am just sleeping a more normal amount or sleeping less. My therapist says it's probably a bad combination of low iron and depression, I've had low iron almost my entire life, I'm supposed to take iron supplements but I really just can't be bothered lol. But I was glad to not be at my job, I hate my job lol. I'm changing jobs soon, I'm just waiting on my background check to pass on my new job and then I'll go in and sign paperwork and start at my new job

I would have never guessed canoes could be so viscous. That sounds excruciatingly painful, especially with having to relearn everything. Do you plan on relearning Spanish someday? It is sweet that you were able to pick up roller skating, though.

I am also constantly fatigued due to my depression. I am not sure if I'm deficient in anything, but I most likely am. I hope the job change goes well. If I may ask, why do you hate your previous job?

[foster-the-world]

Moving along

Having a great vacation to celebrate our anniversary and both of our Birthday's. The kids are in heaven with my Mom and Aunt. I was worried about baby boy and felt guilty about leaving him. He's doing great. My Mom is so good with him. When I dropped him off at school he was still clinging to me/crying. With my Mom he walks in without looking back. I'm so glad we booked the trip despite my worries. Time with your grandparents/family/people who love you is a gift. I have such fond memories of weeks with my Grandma when my parents went on trips. My kids are lucky they will have the same memories. My Mom made a list of fun things the kids wanted to accomplish. They took baby boy to his first movie. Obviously enjoying all of the uninterrupted time with my husband. It's so easy to travel without the kids. I also think its really good for my Aunt. She doesn't move much - as in she rarely walks anywhere. She loves spending time with the kids and they force her to move. Its incredibly helpful for us and I think she likes feeling useful. She also takes care of her Mom. She's pretty grumpy so its a thankless job.

Job interviews are rolling in. Odd/nice to be in a job that companies are desperate to hire. One job sounds great but I'm worried about the commute time. Its a home for children with developmental delays. The kids seem to be on vents/have trachs. It says they can't live at home. I'm not sure why as many kids with those things live at home. The parents generally become experts. Maybe these are more complicated then what I'm familiar with. The place looks fancy - it includes a swimming pool. They train new grad nurses. It reminds me of a college summer job I had working at a Paul Newman job for kids with illnesses. It was wonderful. It would be a lot to learn but that's anywhere. Five weeks of vacation and a good salary. It says you accumulate PTO immediately but can't take vacation for six months. That won't work for me but I'm assuming its something I can negotiate. Especially if I'm willing to take unpaid time off that I preschedule during the first six months. I want/need Christmas and April Spring break off. The interview is next week. I also have an interview at a IVF clinic. Have an option to interview for a home health job. I think the long run that would be interesting/great but I don't want to start a job where I'll be on my own. They will train me but I have my doubts its enough. I'll probably do the interview just to hear more/practice.

Evaluations for baby boy continue. His OT said "no way he has autism." Feeling calmer about it no matter the diagnosis. The fact that he's charmed his teacher and is getting rave reviews has eased everything. We need to treat his ADHD type symptoms to keep him and those around him safe. From what I understand the two time's a week OT sensory gym sessions is the first step towards that. Still hoping to tour a special ed school but as of now not feeling that recommendation. Also will feel better when we get an adoption date. No word on that from anyone. The caseworker still acts like we are crazy for even asking.

Bee had a fun Birthday party. So nice to see all of her little friends. So lucky to have such a great community.

[batmanshole]

So this is a saga and it starts in the 6th grade (11yrs old) and goes until now (I'm going to turn 21 this year). Mild nsfw warning but nothing serious. There's a lot of context needed. In middle school I sort of curated the gayest most toxic friend group and it seemed like whenever we'd get bored we'd start dating each other. I was best friends (at the time) with this (then egg) trans guy we'll call James and another close friend of mine we'll call Eve. Eve was friends with another one we'll call Kate, but we didn't get friendly until far later bc I was always starting shit for no reason.

In 6th grade me and James became best friends and we're so close everyone always thought we were dating (also bc I was one of the only "out" gays at school) and even though I really was into him, he didnt wanna date me n that was ok 👍 My feelings for him wore off a little so in 7th grade I started dating Eve bc I wanted a girlfriend regardless and found her cute. Towards the end of the school year we break up bc we started drifting apart due to her thinking I still liked James (didn't) and then she starts going behind my back to be affectionate with Kate so I break up with her and listen to Electra Heart album in bed crying.

During the Summer I start getting pranky with my other friends and me and this other kid decide to super glue a dildo to Eve's house bc she was going around making fun of me with my friend group and others behind my back about owning a dildo and shaming me for it. I didn't feel like using it anymore due to the bullying so it was time to make her pay. Btw she lived right next to me. The glue ...doesn't work, in short. I sneak into her backyard (or what I thought was her yard) and put it in an above ground pool with a tarp on it. Come back the next day, it's still there, and its not her yard. So I put it in her mailbox, wet and covered in dried globs of super glue.

8th grade kinda sucks all my friends from that group started hating me bc Eve's side got taken. James was on the fence but hung out with me still. Kate was Kate. 9th grade starts,I begin to reflect, James throws a birthday party at his house for another friend and I see Eve and her brothers there and I personally apologize for dildo mailbox. They all don't know what I'm talking about at all. I'm shocked. Meaning, either their mom, their dad, or their cop grandpa found it. Whatever. The siblings forgive me and find it extremely funny.

James becomes a cunt and we have numerous falling outs (the latest being 2ish yrs ago but he's not coming back in my life ever lol). Kate became semi-close to me in high school but we lost contact. Me and Eve still live right next to each other but don't interact ever. I saw her at the gas station I walk to sometimes and she jumpscared me lol. Anyway that's my story

can you buy a bigger dildo to put in her mailbox again. for old times sake. also the part about electra heart is so so real

[katherinejblackwell]

Yours, Katherine #07 - Planning My Fall TBR

Also read on my website! | Other Socials

Photo by dilay (:

Dear Readers, It's technically still the middle of Summer, but with registering for classes and getting my things together for school next month, I'm starting to feel those first hints of Fall. I'm going to try to enjoy the Summer while it's still here and be grateful for the warm weather before we creep back towards Winter, but I also can't help being excited for my favorite season to start again. So, today, I'm going to plan out some of the books I'm hoping to read come Fall.

#01 - The Secret History by Donna Tartt

I've been trying to read this book for I want to say the past two or three years and, every time I start, I get maybe a fourth of the way through and then get distracted by something else and end up DNFing it. I think this year, it's going to be the first book on my list because I want to finally finish it and fill in the gaps in the story I have. I am interesed in the story, and I love the writing style, I'm just having trouble finishing. I think if I can push through the section I've already read and get into the new stuff, it'll pique my interest and I'll be able to make it to the end. I also think treating the paragraph breaks more like chapters than the actual chapters will help. If I remember correctly, every chapter is 50+ pages long, with a bunch of paragraph breaks per chapter. So, being used to chapters that are at least half that length, it can be a little hard to keep motivation when it almost feels like I'm not making any progress. Hopefully, treating those paragraph breaks like chapters instead will help me feel like I'm making tangible progress.

View The Secret History on Goodreads​

#02 - The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt

Assuming I manage to finish The Secret History, I'd also like to read Donna Tartt's most recent novel, The Goldfinch. To start with, it won a Pulitzer Prize in 2014, and I'm not sure you can get a better recommendation than that. I also think I'll find the art elements interesting, and this particular line from the description really intrigues me: "As he grows up, Theo learns to glide between the drawing rooms of the rich and the dusty antiques store where he works." As a Downton Abbey fan, drawing rooms of the rich and dusty antiques sounds right up my alley. I'm also really interested to see what messages will lie behind the story since I know The Secret History is at least in part a social commentary about elitism within academia. I'd also like to watch the movie that came out a few years ago, and I always try to read the book before the adaptation.

View The Goldfinch on Goodreads​

 #03 - Deadfall Hotel by Steve Rasnic Tem

I'm honestly not super excited about this one, although I do still want to read it. I (semi)recently pulled this book and a ton of others I hadn't read off of my shelf and moved them to a different part of the room so I could try to work my way through them all and decide if I wanted to keep them or pass them along. The reason I'm not super excited, and haven't read it yet despite owning it for a few years, is because I think it's supposed to be kind of a horror, and I'm not really a horror person. I'm a big scaredy cat and horror tends to freak me out or just make me feel sick. It was kind of hard to get a good grasp of how scary it is from the reviews, so I'm preparing to DNF it while also holding out hope that it'll just be a semi-spooky-semi-sweet story that I'll end up enjoying enough to revisit now and again.

View Deadfall Hotel on Goodreads

 #04 - The 7 1/2 Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle by Stuart Turton

I'm pretty sure I've talked about this book here before, but I'm always ready to bring it up in any conversation ever. I don't generally like mysteries all that much, but I LOVED 7 1/2 Deaths, and it's my favorite mystery ever. I normally reread it around Fall and Winter and so far I've reread it once a year since I first read it 3 years ago. I think Stuart Turton is incredibly clever and I'd also like to read some of his newer works this Fall if I get a chance. I'm not sure what his other two books are like, but 7 1/2 Deaths at least is super interesting, particularly for the time loop element it has going on. The idea is that the main character is reliving the same day for seven days, and ever day he wakes up in a different person's body. (There's also a little more to it than that, but I won't write any spoilers here, and you can always feel free to go looking for them yourself.) The reason I find this so impressive is because it means that the author had to have a deep understanding of how the day progressed and be able to keep track of exactly what everyone was doing at different points in the day, as well as plot out how he was going to slowly reveal key details to the main character and the audience using the different perspectives. I'm really eager to take a crack at his other novels and see what else he's come up with.

View The 7 1/2 Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle on Goodreads

#05 - The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien

This is technically four books, but this series has been high on my priority list for such a long time. As a lover of the fantasy genre, I think this a long over due read. I have technically read The Hobbit a handful of times in audiobook* form, and I absolutely adored it, but with audiobooks, I tend to space and miss bits, so I want to be able to sit down and properly read the whole thing before I get into the trilogy. I was originally going to read these books during the Summer until I decided to read the Riordanverse books instead. When I get through all the Riordan books I'm trying to read (hopefully by September but unlikely), I'll probably get started on this series to transition me into Fall if I don't go for The Secret History first.

View J.R.R. Tolkien on Goodreads

Book Recommendation

My book recommendation for the month is the Magnus Chase and the Gods of Asgard series. I haven't gotten to rereading this in my quest to reread all the Riordanverse books yet, but I remember the first one being one of my favorite Rick Riordan books of all time. I think the cast of main characters are all really sweet with each other and I love their friendship. I specifically remember loving the final battle scene in the first book where all of the characters kind of have their moments to shine and they all come together against the enemy. 

No real drink rec this month, but once again encouraging you to go and drink some water because it's still summer, it's boiling out, and you need to replenish your body's stores.

I hope you enjoyed reading my letter this month. I look forward to hearing back from you, and I'll write again soon!

Yours, Katherine

*PS, The absolutely stellar audiobook of The Hobbit I read is by Bluefax. Unfortunately, the original uploads to YouTube had some strikes against them and had to be taken down. However, you can still find a few of the chapters on Bluefax's Soundcloud, and the full audiobook can still be found here on Spotify as a podcast, so even if you don't have premium it can still be played in the correct order from mobile. The Spotify doesn't belong to Bluefax, though, so if you'd like to support the creator, you can view the official YouTube channel I linked above to see BTS Hobbit content, and listen to a Pride and Prejudice audiobook!

[1d1195]

It was very hard for me to actually stay home and like rest?? But yeah no I got it all fixed today which was nice so at least! and you're so right about inconveniencing them lol

Im sorry your weekend was not good and stressful :( Hopefully your week is not as stressful! Is the school year almost over? Either way I am so excited for you to be on break and be FREE!

This week has gone okay so far! Im going to a drag show on Wednesday so I've been doing a little bit more work recently to have free time that night. But very excited! Ive also been having a new album on repeat so Ive had new sad songs to fixate over lol

And It's actually my last week of classes! So finals week for me starts next Tuesday and I think my last final is on that Friday! So i still have a bit to go but not really lol And yes! I agree it felt very far away and I simply can't comprehend time lol

ALSO I SAW MY EX HOT PROFESSOR YESTERDAY WHILE WALKING BY THE PSYC BUILDING😭 I felt weak in the knees! even after all this time seeing that man in his leather jacket makes me want to cry in a good way lol

and speaking of going feral lol THAT TRADITIONAL EXTRA WAS SO GOOD! it was kinda sad considering we got to read a bit about Harry's POV. But I really did like reading about him being vulnerable and I think it really adds to his character :)! but tell me why you kinda surprised me with her going down on him WHILE NIALL WAS THERE!?! yeah that was hot 😵‍💫 Also when she called him 'boyfriend' my first though was that Harry probably hates being called her boyfriend HAHA Love his little thoughts lol Anyways I loved reading it, seriously so thankful to be able to read what you create 💗

Wishing you a better week/weekend! You got this my love, I doubt it at all! love you!!-💜

omg I love girl-rotting lol. I never do it because there is always something to do. But when I'm sick I give myself like an extra hour to rot and whatnot. It's hard though because I'm the only one that does anything in my relationships (family, friends, work, etc.) I'm having a very eldest daughter kinda week. My sister and mom both texted me asking for help on something and I was actually TRYING so hard to set a boundary and my sister is just useless quite frankly. I actually think most people in my life fall under the weaponized incompetence category of people. It's EXCEEDINGLY frustrating. But nonetheless, I will move on :)

I'm glad you got to rest. I'm sure it was really hard and whatnot (based on what I mentioned above) But your body needed it. Now it's all taken care of too so that's good! SO exciting about your finals. Feels like it's a quick turnaround but maybe that's good! What do you have planned for the summer!? That's cool about the drag show! That will be so much fun and a nice mental break between your last classes and finals! What album is it? I love a musical fixation! Def in the need of some sad music. My current sad girl hour songs are not cutting it rn lol

I think a leather jacket is like catnip for women. My anti-feminist take. 😂 So happy to have a sighting of him 😍 He'll be good visual for our TA Harry 😉

My week has actually started off pretty okay knock on wood. I'm doing alright. Treated myself to a manicure today. My cuticles were so gross the woman did a deep sigh after getting all the dead skin off ☠ I feel less busy at the moment. I'm hoping I get some time to read. I desperately need my hair and eyebrows done lol. I'm hoping after this week is over I can kind of schedule that. My school year is over toward the end of next week. My students also have finals and such thank the lord. Can't wait to be done with my 3rd period group. I love all my students--I would take a bullet for them. But I do not like some of them. The TUDE and AUDACITY is reaching my limit for this year. I need a reset.

I love to write from Harry's POV. But I think I'm at fault for writing a man for a woman because I'm pretty sure Harry doesn't think like that (maybe he does, that would be really nice 😍) But I do LOVE to make him vulnerable. I think as a celebrity he always has to be poised and put together and always on so I like to think about the part of him that no one else gets to see. I'm glad you liked the boyfriend line too! We're actually getting towards the end of what I have planned for them. I think there is still a few more tricks up my sleeve maybe but only four more blurbs in store for them 😉

Onto the kinkier side of things, I have been thinking about this blurb for an EMBARRASSINGLY long time and can't even tell you how depraved I think I am for even THINKING about it let alone sharing it 🙈😭😅😍 I am a pretty conservative person when it comes to my sex life or whatever but I'm pretty sure I would turn into a whole other person for Harry 🤭🙃 Poor innocent Niall has no idea I wish I could tell you what was going through my brain but it was not much at all hahahahaha

Thank you for reading and checking in. So glad you're almost done with your classes! Can't wait to hear about your drag show. Also I assume you'll be studying your smart little butt off so don't worry about getting back to me! Don't forget to stay hydrated, caffeinated, and rested this week! Love you lots!

xoxo

[jesterlaughingstock]

I can't keep this in any longer. Im sorry. This is incredibly self indulgent and its gonna show. Its really gonna show

Sam and Jared both leave at 18. Sam goes on a scholarship to Stanford as per the show, and Jared goes on an athletic scholarship (the sport in question is soccer. Idk if they do soccer scholarships in america but they gonna do it today. Why? Cuz idk shit about american football. Thats why!) to another school thats near Stanford because he wanted to be close to his brother.

They live together for the first year just fine, but when the summer comes, Jared wants to visit Dean and John and hunt with them, make up of sorts. Sam doesn't want to, and a fight breaks out. Jared looks for the other Winchesters anyway, and when he can't find them, Sam's "I told you so" cocky attitude only increases the tension between them. Jared soon gets an opportunity to play football (i cant keep calling it soccer. Im sorry i cant) professionally in a club. He drops out of school and takes it, moving away from Sam.

Fast forward to pilot time, Dean breaks into Sam's place, and he goes. "Where's Jared?"

"Uh, I don't know." Sam replies, a little tense. "He dropped out and got signed in some club."

"When did you last hear of him?"

"I'm not sure, it's been a while.. Dean, what is this about?"

And then Dean goes "dad's missing.. yadda yadda yadda... i need all the help i can get. We should go get Jared."

Sam reluctantly agrees. After some digging, they find him relatively easily. He's still in the area, so it's not that long of a drive. They get there the next morning, just in time to see him mid match.

He's grown and filled out since the last time they saw him; heck, it looks like he's a couple inches taller than even Sam. He plays defensive midfielder; an optimal position for a player in his physical condition; fast, strong but coordinated enough to tackle without fouling, tall enough to win almost every aerial duel with precise but powerful headers. He makes decisive passes, reads the field in seconds and acts accordingly. His dribble could use a little work, but he can take the ball from an opponent like taking a candy from a child. He doesn't score, but you can't say that he didn't put on a great match.

This entire skillset flies over Sam and Dean's heads as they impatiently wait for the referee to declare an end to the match.

After the match is done, Dean lets out a loud whistle that makes Sam wince and most heads turn towards him, including Jared who does a double take before jogging to them, a reluctant smile on his face.

"Let me guess.." He says as he wipes his forehead with a towel. "You're here because of the good news.. aren't you?"

Dean frowns. "Good news?"

"Of course YOU wouldn't think it's good news."

"What in the hell are you talking about." Sam deadpans.

Dean rolls his eyes. "Dad's missing. He's been on a hunting trip for a few days."

Jared's face dropped. He looked around to not show it. "So? I'll put up a flyer on the locker room if you want me to, see if anyone saw him passed out drunk in a ditch."

"Jared, this isn't funny." Sam berated him. "He could be in serious trouble."

"Oh. Hey, Sammy, how are you? Still don't know how to pick up a phone and press the call back button?"

"I was busy."

"Well I wasn't picking up daisies over here on my end either? You only know to call me when you're sick and your little girlfriend isn't home.."

"It was one time!"

"And then disappear for the rest of the year! I had to call brady to find out if you were feeling better..."

"...Unbelievable... you get meningitis one time and you have it held over your head for the rest of your life..."

"..how fucking stupid are you to think it's about that? Do you even hear me...?"

Feeling the beginning of a headache forming behind his eyes, Dean came between the bickering twins. "Alright, that's enough!"

"Bitch." "Prick."

"Jared," Dean said impatiently. "Are you coming or not?"

Jared glared at Sam before resigning. "Fine. But you only have me for the weekend, I have to be here by Monday."

"Sure."

"Dean, I don't think you understand me." Jared said with a tight smile and an air of danger in his eyes. "I NEED to be here on Monday. I don't want your half hearted "sure". If I'm not here by Monday, I'm royally screwed."

"What, you got an appointment with the mafia?" Sam quipped.

"You'd think that of me, wouldn't you?" Jared sighed. "Give me 15 minutes, I'm gonnna go change and take a shower."

Help i accidentally saw a post where someone made up a twin for sam and while washing dishes i accidentally fleshed him out gave him a personality a career a dynamic in the winchester family and incorporated him into the show's story

[mrsnancywheeler]

the day before you came (part one) - kisses of fire

f!reader x steve harrington, f!reader x eddie munson, f!reader x billy hargrove

summary: during your final year of high school, final summer before college you allow yourself to finally break the facade and run "wild." finding every adventure possible in the shapes of eddie munson, billy hargrove, and steve harrington to enjoy yourself before the looming future. however, your dreams come to a screeching halt when you find yourself pregnant with no idea who the father is. a mamma mia au.

warnings: smut (minors DNI, all characters 18+), morally questionable reader, sweet in love eddie, one sided romantic feelings, unprotected sex (be safe, guys), creampie, mentions of birth control, nicknames : princess, baby, mentions of weed and other drugs implied, gross picnic tables, a little angsty

not edited, feedback appreciated

One month left until graduation, three until you were packed up and out of this town for good. You'd worked your whole life for this and now being able reap the benefits, have time to mess around, it was all paying off. At least that's what you told yourself as you walked behind the school to obtain your favorite destresser. The moment you could see that lovely hair and crappy, old lunch box you were already feeling less anxious.

"You're early, Munson." You said, walking out of the treeline. Laughing when he gave a slight jump at the sudden noise.

"Wouldn't want to leave you hanging, princess." Eddie turned towards you, gesturing to the table he was at. The first time you'd been here you'd refused to sit down, the table being so dirty and unkempt, before you'd realized all the shit you put in your body was just as gross.

"I'm crying at the thought." Imitating the crocodile tears you sat down on the tabletop, knees level to his chest. "How much are you charging me this time, Munson?" You took off your backpack, getting ready to go on the desperate wallet search.

"Less, if you keep giving me that gorgeous view." He smiled, over dramatically miming looking up your skirt.

"You're such a pervert, Eds, last time it was the bending over, now the skirt, will I never be free from the peeping tom?"

"Nope, actually gonna graduate with you this year and forever haunt you."

"Oh not whatever will a poor girl like me do?" You rolled your eyes at him, when you'd been told about him your freshman year all of his unconventionalism had unnerved you, but when you'd later been pointed his way to "take the edge off" you'd come to have a giant soft spot for the boy. You'd miss the banter and of course him always giving you somewhat of an ego boost.

When your mocking glaring and laughter had both died down, his aura changed. The sudden, serious energy made you want to tense up, "So Stanford?" He asked, "Pretty far away from here, know most of us want to leave, but didn't imagine you'd go that far."

"Not as far as I'm planning actually, want to go abroad at some point, see the world, or at least part of it, you know?" You didn't know why he seemed to care so much anyways, all you'd really every done was these exchanges, followed by long winding conversations. Once in a blue moon it could turn into smoking the blunt together and forge itself into odd touches or lips brushing past each other.

Eddie's eyes wondered around the familiar environment, not looking directly at you, these interactions had become such a normal part of his life regardless of whether or not he did actually graduate it would be a shock to the routine once you were gone.

"You're breaking my heart here, princess, gonna have to save every cent for long distance calls if you do that."

"I'm sure when you're still here, next year, there will be some other pretty, young girl to use her feminine wiles on you and flatter down your prices."

He dramatically hits his chest, "Your lack of confidence in me, wounds me! I don't think I'll ever recover." His hands landed on either side of you, "There's still the silver lining that I might pass these last few tests and walk out of here with a diploma, just like you."

You chuckled, "I'll believe it when I see it, Munson." His grades hadn't been great and you'd listened to him vent about it enough when he was high to know a few weeks couldn't save him. "Class of '86 baby, I'll come back to see that one."

"So little faith, y/n." Eddie shook his head, lifting his eyes to meet yours. You stared back, the awkwardness ensuing as he continued gazing and you didn't want to make it worse by glancing away.

'Why should I feel nervous anyways? I'm leaving soon, it would be fun to just do what we've been dancing around for so long.' You debated internally as the silence continued, it was when you watched him glance at your lips and back you thought, fuck it. Finally leaning in you went for it, hungrily pressing your lips against his as he brought his hands to your face kissing you with just as much vigor. Your hands trailed down his shirt as you slid off the table and onto his lap, grinding against his lap.

"Wait, y/n." Eddie pulled away from you, who gazed at him confused. Over the years you'd caught him checking you out on more than on occasion, even gotten handsy with him occasionally, so why didn't he want this now? "I just don't want my first time with you to be here, you know? On a grimy picnic table behind the school where I sell people drugs, isn't good enough for you, princess." He said it reassuringly, fingers gripping around your waist. Those fingers. But, the way he talked about his first time with you sent a pang to your heart. Of course you wouldn't mind doing it more than once with him, but you didn't want him to worry about whether or not it was good enough for you. It wasn't like that and part of your heart told you it was in fact like that for him. If you were a better person you'd tell him now, how you wanted to be with him, but not the way he seemingly wanted to be with you. You weren't a better person though and you finally felt confident enough to get what you wanted from him, it didn't matter what people said, you were leaving after all.

"I don't care about that Eddie," You gave your best puppy dog eyes, shaking off any doubts about your actions, "I need you." You whined as you began grinding your pussy over where you felt him getting hard.

He let a groan out as he shut his eyes, "You're gonna be the death of me, princess." You nodded as you pressed a kiss into his neck as you continued your relentless pursuit on his crotch. "Fuck, baby, can I take this off?" His fingers moved to the hem of your skirt fiddling with it, you nodded, feeling your own wetness more and more as you humped his jeans. "Words, princess, need to here them."

"Yes, Eddie, please, just need you to fuck me." You his your face in his neck, hands gripping the back of his hellfire shirt.

"So desperate," He slowly lifted up your skirt, pushing it up above your waist, "Already soaking though your panties onto my jeans, princess, making such a mess. How long have you wanted me to touch you?" Eddie's fingers began pulling them down, exposing you to the open air. You were so vunerable and exposed, but couldn't care less.

Your hands went to his belt, anxiously trying to remove it so you could get rid of the throbbing feeling urging you on. "So long, Eds, dreamt about when you would finally take me." You lifted your legs so he could pull your underwear down more and he stopped everything to help you as you struggled with his belt.

"Me too, got off thinking about when we'd finally do something, when I could make you mine for the first time." There it was again, first, not the greatest time to be clear with him, but better late than never would be something. You were so close though and had waited for so long you told yourself you were just overthinking when you freed him from his pants and climbed back up onto the table. He stood up, also freeing himself from his underwear. The wind hit your bear cunt as you whined, aching for contact. "I know you're dripping, princess, but are you sure you want all of me right away?" Looking at the size of his cock made you groan, but you were determined.

"Yes, need your cock so bad, Eddie, please." Your hips trusted up into the air, begging for him to hurry up.

He smirked, spitting on his hand and smothering his dick with it. Lining up with your entrance and rubbing his head and precum along your clit causing you to moan. "Wait-" You loudly whined once again, "Just need to look for a condom, sorry, should have thought of it earlier."

"Don't need one Eddie, on birth control, just want your cock tearing me apart now, please." You insisted before he could pull away as you rubbed yourself against him for friction. Every action, every kiss you shared felt like fire, made you burn and ache for more. You couldn't help yourself as you grabbed his neck, pushing his lips against yours.

You whined when he pulled away, "Gonna bring me to the point of no returning, princess." Eddie grunted as he finally pushed into you, causing you to mewl from the somewhat painful pleasure. "So fucking tight for me."

"Don't need you to worry, Eds, need you to be rough with me." He was by no means your first rendezvous, but how long you had waited, how set he was with you, nothing could compare. Eddie began pounding into you, grabbing your face with his hands and pulling your lips back together.

Moaning into each others mouths as he continued pounding into you, bringing one thumb down to rub your clit. The sudden euphoric feeling caused you to bite down on his lip. "Sorry." You managed to whisper out as he continued his assault on your mouth and clit. "Feels so good."

"Don't worry about it, princess." Eddie stopped kissing you, staring at your face as you whined with every thrust and each bit of pressure. It was gorgeous, you were angelic, and all he could think about was doing this to you over and over again. Taking care of you, that landslide of emotions made his hips stutter.

"Need to come, Eddie, so bad." Your eyes were screwed shut as you clawed his back.

"Me too, baby, let go for me." You let out a guttural groan, pushing your head into his chest as you felt your pussy convulse around him. He too couldn't keep his mouth shut as he released into you, your walls tightening around him. For what felt like yours you sat there, both coming down from the high of it all. "Fuck," Eddie exclaimed, pulling himself out of your warmth. You whined at the sudden emptiness, walls clenching around nothing. "Should have pulled out, y/n, I'm so sorry." He looked so genuinely upset with himself that you couldn't help, but feel a tug at your heartstrings. He cared so much and given you exactly what you wanted, but that's all you wanted.

"Don't worry about it, Eds, I'm on the pill. Remember?" You reassured him as you went to pull your underwear back up.

"Doesn't always work, y/n, better safe than sorry." Eddie was mostly reprimanding himself as he also began pulling his bottoms back on.

"A little to late for that and come on, don't worry about it, most guys don't." You smiled at him as you readjusted your skirt, going to stand up and realizing your legs weren't exactly steady enough without the table.

"Woah there, princess." He instantly reached out to help steady you, and your eyes met his once again. Hoping he could say everything he wanted to without opening his mouth he tried to get his eyes to convey it all. Sadly for you it did which is the last thing you wanted. 'Exactly, I'm not like them. I care, y/n, let me care.' So you pulled away from the prolonged eye contact.

"Thanks, um, I should probably go. Mom's gonna get worried, you know." You shakily pulled yourself away from him steadying arms. Grabbing your bag from off the table.

"Oh, of course. Wouldn't want to ignite the dragon, princess. Not exactly a knight in shining armour." Eddie joked, trying to ignore the hurt from this abrupt end you were dishing to him.

"I don't agree, you know you can scale into my tower anytime with that gorgeous steed of yours. You can bring the devil's grass with you as well." Motioning to his little lunch box of drugs as you slowly walked backwards. Of course it might calm you more now, but the guilt was suddenly eating away at you. Couldn't he stop looking at you like he cared? Stop making you feel like you were stringing him along?

"Anytime you need, y/n, I've got you." Eddie smiled and it was so comforting, so sweet, you had to leave then. 'No, don't have me. Please me more offputting, more callous, care less.' You wanted to scream as you gave him a curt nod and walked off. Feeling the storm of self hatred brew as you began pushing down the guilt. If he made you feel so good, like fire, and was willing to continue that what was the problem with not being clear about where you stood? You were leaving after all.