#Faces poster screams Midnights merch

[cametotheshowinsd]

THE SIMILARITY

Also Taylor quoted John Cassavetes at one of the film festival Q&As: “‘I’ve never seen an exploding helicopter. I’ve never seen anybody go and blow somebody’s head off. So why should I make films about them? But I have seen people destroy themselves in the smallest way.’ Whoa—I felt that.”

[allamericansbitch]

Hi everyone! This is the 100th addition to my Creator Shoutout Series (october 23 - october 30)! For info about the series, I explained it in the first post here, but generally, it’s to show appreciate to editors and their creations that i love from the past week. To track this series or look at previous shoutouts, please check out the tag on my blog *creatorshoutouts. Have a great week everyone!

taylor swift: bejeweled music video gifset by @felicitysmoak

brooklyn nine nine: jake peralta gifset by @userblorbo

taylor swift: anti-hero graphic by @carlytayjepsen​

taylor swift: anti-hero gifset by @alltoowsll

succession: shiv roy art by @bulkbarnes

taylor swift icons by @cassielang

stranger things: will and jonathan gifset by @padmaemidala

taylor swift: you’re on your own, kid graphic by @yourstupidfriends

stranger things: nancy and robin gifset by @louistomlinsontwo

taylor swift: bejeweled music video gifset by @melodramas

the devil wears prada gifset by @ladysif

taylor swift: bejeweled music video gifset by @jeonwonwoo​

the good place: janet gifset by @usergif

taylor swift: midnights graphics by @gofightwin

taylor swift: bejeweled easter eggs gifset by @thatwasthenightthingschanged

phoebe bridgers: teen vogue gifset by @sersh

taylor swift: anti-hero music video gifset by @treacherous

get out gifset by @buffysummers

taylor swift: you’re on your own kid graphic by @cellphonehippie

taylor swift: midnights redesign by @ohgaylor

barbarian: tess gifset by @mikaeled

taylor swift: karma graphic by @tvventystitches​

stranger things: eleven gifset by @stydixa

taylor swift: anti-hero graphic by @lavenderhazes

taylor swift: midnights headers by @realfucknlegacy

barbarian gifset by @acecroft

taylor swift: would’ve could’ve should’ve edit by @alltoowsll

scream franchise gifset by @saws2004

taylor swift: midnights graphic by @nostalgicbones

taylor swift: bejeweled music video gifset by @r-pattinson

sza: shirt music video gifset by @melodramas

taylor swift: bejeweled music video gifset by @maygrant

taylor swift: lead singles through the eras gifset by @purpleswift

barbarian gifset by @julianavalds

taylor swift: bejeweled icons by @petersevan

taylor swift: bejeweled music video gifset by @midnightsdeluxe

abbott elementary: halloween costumes gifset by @nessa007

taylor swift: bejeweled music video gifset by @cametotheshowinsd

taylor swift: bejeweled music video outfits gifset by @lovestory

barbarian: bill skarsgård gifset by @cristinaricci

taylor swift: tonight show appearances through the years gifset by @nessa007

taylor swift: bejeweled music video gifset by @tayloralison

paramore: this is why edit by @kallumdesign

taylor swift: vigilante shit gifset by @onthehighline

taylor swift: bejeweled music video gifset by @starsbythepcketful

stranger things: nancy wheeler gifset by @fearstreettrilogy

taylor swift: labyrinth edit by @natashaaromanova

taylor swift: mastermind/invisible string edit by @you-can-face-this

over the garden wall travel posters gifset by @palmerstrange

taylor swift: midnights rain/dorothea edit by @stood-onthecliffside

taylor swift: bejeweled music video gifset by @frankieslewis

sza: shirt music video gifset by @bu99erfly​

taylor swift: bejeweled music video gifset by @homewithmycats

taylor swift: midnights 3am vinyl edit by @inthatlavenderhaze

stranger things: will gifset by @userspeaknowtv​

taylor swift: bejeweled edit by @lovelyth0ughts

taylor swift: midnights receipt edit by @carlytayjepsen​

brooklyn nine nine: stuck in a horror movie gifset by @jakeyp​

taylor swift: bejeweled music video gifset by @emmaduerrewatson

taylor swift: would’ve could’ve should’ve edit by @cellphonehippie

it’s the great big pumpkin charlie brown gifset by @ferrisbuellers​

taylor swift: lyric parallels gifset by @onthehighline

taylor swift: midnights merch concept by @idsb​

scream 1996 gifset by @billlskarsgard​

taylor swift: midnights graphic by @dearreader

taylor swift: tonight show appearances through the years gifset by @tay-swifts

stranger things: mike and will gifset by @padmaemidala​

taylor swift: would’ve could’ve should’ve/all too well graphic by @lochsides

taylor swift: mastermind gifset by @midsummerknife

stranger things: mastermind gifset by @endiness​

taylor swift: bejeweled headers by @thatwasthenightthingschanged

taylor swift: would’ve could’ve should’ve/dear john gifset by @paintedtaygolden

barbarian gifset by @mike-mills​

taylor swift: bejeweled edit by @piecesintoplaces

taylor swift: midnights art by @sophiaswifty​

the shining gifset by @matteos​

taylor swift: midnights first week edit by @missegyptiana

taylor swift: midnights edit by @cruellesummer​

modern family gifset by @nicknellsons​

taylor swift: evermore edit by @the-punk-panther

taylor swift: midnights rain gifset by @rogerhealey​

taylor swift: midnight rain graphic by @itsdelicate

taylor swift: dear john/would’ve could’ve should’ve edit by @glorrydays

taylor swift: record sales over one million gifset by @tayloralison

taylor swift: maroon gifset by @rebecca-quin

taylor swift: you’re on your own kid gifset by @star-courts

taylor swift: midnights graphic by @afragileline

taylor swift: question...? graphic by @anervousmirrorball​

taylor swift: vigilante shit gifset by @georgesezra

taylor swift: would’ve could’ve should’ve graphic by @andtosaturn​​​​​​​​​

[shaydeoffical]

Bright as a Diamond. Hitoshi Shinsou x Fem Reader: Chapter Six

Warnings: Violence, Stalker, Drugged, Reader Injury, Blood

Series Summary:  When (Y/N)’s co-worker decided to send a picture of her making a diamond to the paper, her life was over. Gemstone based quirks weren’t all that rare, but being able to make a diamond put a target on her back. After years of hiding in the city, it’s time to hide in the countryside with her Uncle Shota Aizawa and his more than ‘roommate’ Hizashi Yamada. With the promise of training her to be self-sufficient, she’s ready to learn.

Chapter Summary: (Y/n) goes into town to meet up with her co-worker, but things do not go to plan.

Chapter Five: here or https://ambershaydeoffical.tumblr.com/post/612522066443436032/bright-as-a-diamond-hitoshi-shinsou-x-fem-reader

Chapter Seven: Seven. (I finally figured out the hyperlink)

Chapter Six

This Day was Going to be Perfect

   My morning bike ride had been refreshing. I had a chance to watch the sunrise, then make it to a café for breakfast. With my cat backpack from grade school, as the only purse I could find, I had my money tucked away safely. I looked ridiculous, but I wasn't trying to impress anyone. This was just two buds hanging out and mending the past. There was nothing for me to worry about, least of all my appearance.

   With my bike firmly chained to the gate, I ducked inside the quite cafe. The lobby wasn't super busy, and I found a booth to rest in while I prepared myself for the week. With my pastry and hot chocolate, I began reading over the requirements for my next project. School had been on the back burner for far too long, and it was time I try to get ahead.

        Taking a long swig of my hot cocoa, I choked it down. What shocked me wasn't the temperature, but Kira plopping down on the other side of my booth. I was supposed to see his apartment later in the day, but this wasn't planned. Damn it.

   "Good morning," he sang, holding two cups of coffee. "I say you drank yours, so I got us both one. You seem like a sweet girl, so I made sure there was extra sugar for you." He pushed one cup towards me, then pushed his long black hair back. His sullen eyes glancing at my bruised knuckles.  

   "Umm, good morning." I nursed my half-full hot chocolate and put my phone away. "My drink is still good, thanks though."

   "Oh nonsense, I paid for the premium blend." He pushed the cup to my side of the table. Leaning his elbows on the table, he propped his head on his hands and cocked it to the side. Waiting for me to drink.

   "Not a coffee girl," I admitted pushing it back, looking at my textbook. Maybe I could multi-task. "What are you doing here?"

   "Oh, this is my go-to shop." He pushed the cup across to my side. "What has you here so early, princess?" A shudder went down my spine.

   "Just studying." I pulled out my phone, trying to act unfazed. He was just trying to be nice. Stay calm, you have to work together, and he has always been odd.  

   "It's a good thing I ran into you; we can spend the morning together too." He sipped his own coffee, spitting some back out. His thin brows knitted together before he giggled. "Hot"

   "I really have to focus on this assignment, so t-" Pointing to my next book, he smacked his hands against the table.

   "Wait, there's this super cool comic book store down the street you'd love." He grabs my hands and pulls me up.  I grab my cup and he takes his, pulling us out of the café.

   He tugged me down the street like an excited child. He had lived in the city center and knew it better than me on any good day. The shop he had taken me two was filled with hero merch. Ground Zero, Deku, Allmight, Urvaity, Froppy, Chargebolt littered the walls and aisles.

   "You like that Eraser guy right, they have some vintage posters in the back." Never letting go of my hand, he caught the eye of several people. Some gushing at the cute couple, it made me want to peel back my skin and scurry home. "Here, I'll get whatever you want."  

   Tuning him out for a moment, I saw a small pin set on sale. It was the debut merch for Shinso. His little mask covering most of his face. I picked it up and turned it over to read the back. It was snatched from my hand before I could see the details.

   "He's a little too young for you to be fawning over." Kira sat it back on the shelf, taking my coffee cup, and placing a Midnight plushie in my hand. "You and Midnight have a lot in common. Beautiful, full-figured, and fierce."

   "I think you confuse curvy and full-figured. She's just blessed with a rocking body." I sat the plushie back down, now insecure of my outfit. It was just a long sleeve dorky otter tee shirt, a loose denim mini skirt with a peplum bottom, and some black legging. But I wished I had a sweater on and some jogging pants. I didn't dress like it was a date, but the way Kira's eyes wandered over my form, I felt exposed. This wasn't a date, why was he acting like this?

   "Oi, you're that girl," a shopkeeper came over and looked me up and down. "The one who can make crystals." With those words, the situation got that much worse.

   "You're got the wor-"

   "She is. Why ya want to know." Kira slung an arm around my shoulder, and I froze. He squeezed me to his side and shaking me a bit.

   "He's got it all wrong, I- I get confused for her a lot, but that's not me."I tried to smooth it over to no avail.

   "She makes the best gems in the world. The only known diamond crafter to be born." Kira grinned like a cat, sliding his hand down my back, dangerously close to my ass.    

   "I'm not her."

   "Can you make a replicate of kryptonite for me?" The boy asked, grabbing a comic like I didn't know Superman. "Like its green and glows. See, it's an organic shape or can you only do fancy shapes."

   "She can, but she doesn't make freebies." Kira kept talking for me, blood rushing through my ears. "Depending on the size, quality, and time frame, we'll need compensation." We? I stomped Kira's foot, and he lost his grip. Darting out of the store and back up the street, I paused, forgetting where I left my bike. I downed the rest of my drink but coughed, realizing it was Kira's coffee. Being a good citizen, I tossed it in the trash and went back on my way. What a fucking bastard.

   "(Y/n), please wait. Come on, I didn't mean to make you mad." He blocked my path and held up his hands. "Your quirk makes you special. You should get some perks for it. I was about to score us some free merch."

   "I don't want free stuff, I want to be safe. People knowing that I can do that sort of stuff makes my life harder." I snapped, crossing my arms, staying vague as possible for people on the street.

   "I like you," He blurts, reaching out to touch my cheek. "If we were together, I could protect you. I have a powerful quirk." His fingers turned to razor blades, and he pointed them at me. "Look at how special I am. No one would ever touch you with me around." He fisted the air, trying to show off.

   "Listen, I don't want a relationship right now." I pulled out my phone and sent my location to Shota, with a danger symbol. After I hit send, my phone was knocked to the ground.

   "Look at me." He grabbed my hand and dragged me into the alley. The urge to run coursed through me, but I couldn't do it. He was my work friend. He was frazzled and may be unstable, I had to play my cards right. "Good girl," he held my head up, the blade just under my chin.

   "I don't like you like that. Listen, let's pretend this didn't happen, and we go back to work like normal." I slurred my words, holding to the wall for support. "You need to let me go." An exhaustive fog spread over my body.

   "Make me one of your diamonds." He ran his blade down my throat, resting at the edge of my shirt. "Make it one of a kind, like our love."

   "I won't." My knees gave out, and he shoved his knee between my legs, but he wasn't strong enough to catch me. My knees busted against the concrete. "What- what's happening to me…"

   "You're sick, you need to rest darling." Kira returned his fingers to normal. Resting them against my chin, pushing my hair back. "Make me a diamond, and we can go home."

   "Fuck off," shoving his hands away, I clamored to my feet and staggered towards the street.

   "Wrong answer," his blades were on my throat again, he had his face buried in my hair. "Come on, walk with me."    

   "Stop-p it," I couldn't keep myself together, bending with his will, I followed him deeper into the alley. Small nicks against my skin. "Le-tt go."'    

   "You're almost home now." He purred. "We'll have a room of diamonds, you can display your best for me. You can cook and clean for me as thanks."

   "No," Stomping his foot again, I lurched forward when his hand went back. He cut my forehead while grasping for me. "Help." This time Kira pulled me up by my hair, a scream erupting from my throat.

        "Shh, darling," he cooed in my ear.

   "Who do you think you are?" A new voice entered the alley. Kira froze in his place and let me down, so my hair was slack again.

   "Shinso," my vision was blurry, but I could see his purple mop.  I reached out for his form, and a finger went across my arm. A searing pain throbbed over my body, but I refused to scream. I nursed my wound, trying to stop the bleeding. My eyes pleading for Shinso to save me.

   "Answer me, asshole," Shinso remained calm, walking closer. He wouldn't look at me, but I knew he was a pro that these situations. Even if this went down poorly, we'd be okay. Shinso was a pro, and I was banking on that training.

   "You're mine," the blades were resting on my throat. Kira was whispering in my ear. He jerked me up by hair again. Hot tears streaked my face as I tried to stay awake. The haze was starting to block out the sun.

   "What do you think you're doing with (Y/n)?" Shinso's voice was louder this time. He wouldn't let me die. He was a hero.

   "Let me go, Kira," I whispered, unable to keep my head up, dangerously close to falling on his sharp hand. "Shinso, please…"

   "Speak up, coward!" Shinso growled, tossing a rock at Kira.

   "She's m-"

   "Deactivate your quirk," Shinso ordered, and Kira retracted his blades. "Let her go. Then walk to the police station and turn yourself in."

   Crashing to the asphalt, I tried to stay upright but failed. Landing in my own blood. "Shinso?" I whimpered, closing my eyes. Kira hoovered over me a few moments.

   "Walk to the police station." Shinso spat, and this time he went.

   "Hitoshi?" I pulled my sticky arm from my chest and held my head up. Everything was spinning so fast.  

   "I'm right here." His boots crunched the earth; it sounded so much louder than the blood rushing in my ears. His shirt ripping echoed through the alley, and the fabric was tired around my arm. My body being pulled upright.

   "I don't feel right. I can't focus." His chest was so warm as he pulled me in his arms. He was more robust than I expected, so strong.

   "Did he offer you a drink? Could he have slipped you something?" Lips right by my ear, whispering. His fingers tied things over my injuries and worked to apply first aid.

   "Coffee," I was scooped up and carted back to the street. Was he always so strong? "I thought he was just kind of weird. I didn't t-" I shut down, ashamed it happened.

   "It's going to be okay. You did nothing wrong. " I could see his car hazard light still going, parked right in front of the café. He fumbled for his car keys and sat me in the passenger side. Buckling me in, then glancing around the street.

   "Don't leave me, Hitoshi." I clenched his shirt when he tried to go back to the driver's side.

   "I won't. I promise."

[artificialqueens]

Beyond My Wildest Dreams Ch 5/5 (Nina West/OC) - multifandomgeek

A/N: This is it, the final chapter. Thank you so much for everyone who left comments and indulged me on this little tribute to Nina. The project on this fic is inspired by the Project for Awesome, and in the back of my mind I hope Nina steals this idea some day and puts it to practice.

Thank you Writworm for betaing these last two chapters and thank you Meggie, pinkgrapefruit, and Dane for all the encouragement to finish this, I really needed it and couldn’t have done without it.

AO3

Nina’s house looked like the headquarters of a bank robber from an action movie. There were cables everywhere, her dinner table was currently supporting two big monitors connected to a laptop where there was a guy sitting down looking at so many things at once it was actually dizzying. On her couch, there were more people on laptops, and a few more desks were placed around temporarily.

The Big Project, now properly named Queens for Queers, had officially started 10 hours ago, though this set-up had been going on for a lot longer than that. There was a website up with all the information on the project. They had managed to partner up with some of the biggest LGBTQIA+ non-profit organization on the country plus a few international ones, and they were all listed with information on their work plus links to their own websites. Nina had done background checks on them personally, it was of the utmost importance that no corrupt or questionable organization was linked to this.

All the Drag Queens you could possibly know or follow on social media were talking about this, even if they weren’t participating directly on the project or didn’t help with the marketing campaign from the previous months. Queer celebrities and even a few mainstream ones were also helping spread the word spontaneously, making huge donations themselves. It was incredible.

When you visited the website, the first thing you saw was the donation button. Anyone could donate whatever amount they wanted, through any kind of card (debit, credit, international), and a couple of digital payments options also. That was a huge deal for international fans, Nina found, and had been a great idea not that hard to pull through. Under that, there was the ever-running number of dollars already raised, coupled with the name/alias of the last person who donated or purchased anything not anonymously.

Then, you would see the digital products. All the lives the queens were making were being recorded in HD and would be available for purchase. A few queens were also making special exclusive episodes of their podcasts for the project, some even making Q&As with only questions from buyers. There was Shangela’s podcast, Katya’s, Willam and Alaska’s, Bob and Monét’s, Dragcast, of course, and a few other popular Drag Race-centered pods. Trixie and Katya offered an exclusive episode of Unhhh with the same editors that would be called “This is totally a different show” for copyright reasons, which was really a money maker, Nina was considering upping the price of that one. Any of the digital products cost 15 dollars each, or you could have them all for $75. It was unlimited supply with a fixed cost and no shipping, really a nice, digital-era way of selling stuff. They would be delivered until pride and were being purchased in buckets by people all over the world, it was insane!

After that, you would see the merch. They had commissioned and in some cases had the works made for free from the best fan-artists known in the Drag Race fandom, and they were all printed on shirts, mugs, and posters ready to ship. All proceeds went to the project, but all credits were linked to the artists. Cheyne Gallard’s one was Nina’s personal favorite, and she was actually wearing it as she made sure if anybody needed anything while they worked.

Then, there were the lives’ tokens. The project would run for 24 hours, each hour had a live stream with a queen, some with two or three, like the Branjie one. Each queen was instructed to have a few things they could sell ready to be shown. Most of them had dug up some outfits they didn’t use anymore, some signed a few things. Katya promised to lick a few in her upcoming lives, and Nina had to tell her that no, she couldn’t fuck herself with anything and then sell it for charity, no matter how much more money it would make. Kevin made her sign a contract saying she wouldn’t, just in case.

Right now, Silky was live. She was driving around Los Angeles making every single person she knew sign the shirt she was wearing, which was obviously big enough to hold a lot of autographs, and Silky knew a lot of people. It was genius, people were already auctioning it on the website and the price was jaw-dropping. It was threatening to surpass Brooke’s red hoodie, which Vanjie convinced her to sell in their predictably most viewed live so far. Nina sat on her bed to watch it nervously, but her laptop got closed before she could really see anything.

“You need to calm down,” said Kevin, taking the device away from her and putting it on the nightstand with one hand while the other held a mug. “Finn is taking care of everything, we’re at a shouting distance, everything is going smoothly,” he said, climbing on the bed with her and sitting in front of her, handing her the mug. “I made you some nice, creamy cocoa,” he kissed her cheek, “so you can forget about numbers and internet connections for a second or you’ll have a migraine before this is even halfway done.”

“I love you so much,” said Nina, leaning to kiss Kevin on the lips after tasting the deliciously sweet cocoa. “Also, I noticed you locked the door?” she asked with a grin.

“I didn’t know if I would have to resort to extreme measures to make you relax, what can I say?” he said, smiling as he kissed her again. Nina put the mug away so she could kiss him deeply and pull him to lay down with her. She wouldn’t let it go too far (probably), but a little make-out session couldn’t hurt. She let out a low grunt as he licked into her mouth. Even after more than a year together, his soft touches mixed with passion still had her in awe.

“Oh my God, Nina!” came a shout, followed by a thug on the door, “bitch, is this locked?” Jamie’s voice could be heard as the doorknob rattled.

“Ugh,” grunted Kevin, falling on the bed on his back. Nina chuckled, giving him a short peck before getting up to open the door for her friend.

“What’s up, Jamie?” asked Nina.

“Remember when we said Ru must still be asleep?” said Jamie, barging into the bedroom and sitting on the edge of the bed with her laptop open. The project had started at midnight, and the lack of any manifestation from the biggest Queen of all had them jokingly saying she must still be asleep. Nina didn’t think much about it, really. Ru didn’t meddle with her children’s project, it was her MO. “She fucking woke up!”

Nina sat down and leaned into Jamie’s shoulder to look at her screen. Kevin did the same at her other side and both had their jaw dropped as soon as they spotted the number that indicated the amount of money they had already raised, right at the center of the Queens for Queers website.

“ONE MILLION DOLLARS?” Nina screamed. The last time she checked, they were at a very uplifting 400 thousand, still counting, and she was very happy with it. It was already more than she was hoping for, more than enough to account for the costs and then some, which was always the main goal.

“Mama Ru saw the thing and said, I’m gonna round it up for my girl Nina,” said Jamie laughing. She put her laptop on the bed and shook Nina a little, who was still frozen in her shocked expression. “She did it, Nina! For you!”

“One million fucking dollars,” she said again, looking at Jamie. “One million, Jamie!” she started laughing and hugged her.

“We’re not even halfway,” murmured Kevin from the other side, both hands on the side of his own face and looking like he was on the verge of crying. “Guys, that’s so much money,” he said, like he just realized it.

Jamie looked at him like she just now noticed he was there. “Oh, right, that’s why the door was locked! Sorry!” She said, suddenly picking her computer up. She hugged Nina one more time, they were both smiling as wide as they possibly could.

“One million,” said Nina again, giving little jumps of joy.

Jamie closed the door as she left, and Nina twisted the lock, promptly jumping at Kevin, tackling him to the bed and making him scream-laugh, startled. She kissed him all over his face, this wonderful man who she was so lucky to meet, so lucky to fall in love with, with whom she could share one of the biggest joys of her life right now. Who had made it happen, together with her.

“I love you so fucking much,” said Kevin, burying his face in Nina’s neck.

“One million dollars!” said Nina as if she was physically unable to say anything else. It didn’t matter, he knew. He laughed as she kissed him, kissing back just as fiercely.

The door was locked; they were going to celebrate.

[taylorverse]

My Taylor Swift Story

@taylorswift 

hello taylor! can i just make a big point to say how incredible you are. so i don’t really make these sorts of posts because it just seems unrealistic to be not just noticed by you but by any other swifties. You, Miss Taylor Alison Swift are the actual reason why some people are still living their day to day lives. I have literally grown up listening to your music and there’s always been an element of happiness that it brings me, whether its the vibe of the song or the melody or the lyrics or the sweet and pure way your voice echoes the words. I have had every single album of yours on repeat for all the times i’m hovering over the bath shaving my legs, procrastinating doing revision and literally jamming to old tswift songs in my bedroom. I have spent hours laying in my bed looking up at the ceiling playing all too well whilst i cry my eyes about relating the lyrics to how hard life can be and how difficult it is to keep going. But your music has always been a huge element of my well-being as it just provides a sense of stability; the songs you’ve sung is the poetry of my emotions and the lingering thoughts that I just can’t seem to say. My younger self didn’t even realise what a toll you had on me growing up, I always bought every single calender and all the albums. I remember my dad buying me the signed version of RED and it was just the happiest day of my life. I so clearly remember just holding it in my hands and feelings so happy in that moment. The years where i was beginning to get a bit older and things started to shift, your music was the constant that was always there and never left. I had dance parties where I would be alone in my bedroom singing with the huge poster of you hung above my bed (which once actually fell on my face in the middle of the night and was absolutely terrorfying). My favourite memory was sitting downstairs late at night, when I was like 9 and watching the livestream for RED when you sat in nashville and played acoustic songs on your guitar. I was so happy in that moment, to be able to just feel so connected to a woman who didn’t even know I existed was unlike anything I had ever felt before. Then came my birthday where my dad surprised me with Red tickets I LITERALLY CRIED. The night came and it was my first concert, it was one of the London nights and we sat right at the back. My most vivid memory of that night was the two people behind us who were obnoxiously going on about how they were gonna meet you after and that the show didn’t matter as much. Me and my dad would look at eachother with a jealous smirk and enjoyed the show. To be honest, I can’t actually remember that much but of what I do, I could have sworn you waved at me (even though there were probably about 4894 people in my direction) and the small kid i was held onto that as we trecked our way back on the train at midnight. As this was my first concert and I was so young, it felt so cool to be awake so late and I was in awe of the night I had experienced. 

Being at school, I was always known as the swiftie. I bought the drawstring Red tour bag from the concert because my dad said i couldn’t buy a top as he said “there’s no point in buying it if you’re going to grow out of it”. Anyway i used it as my PE bag and still do to this day. Everyone would tease me and I used to just SHAKE IT OFF and ignore the haterzzzz. My life was completely altered by that night, I wouldn’t stop thinking about it and I remember doing a show and tell in class where I played the videos I took of the concert on the big screen to my whole class as I passed around the rubber wristband I had too bought from that night. Everyone was so amazed by my experience, I was just so happy that I had seen my role model and that my life felt fulfilled at that point. 

I’m now in secondary school, I have never ever stopped playing your music. I even got an app to see how many times I had replayed songs and it turns out i have listened to Speak Now all the way through 800 times (not including the years of listening to it on my iPod). Then when one day I was sitting watching greys anatomy (wink), I got an instagram notification that you had posted a picture. My heart sank as I began to wonder WHAT THE HELL YOU POSTED since you had disapperred from earth. Seeing the what i know now as the snake, I literally jumped out of excitement & an overwhelming burst of confusion built up as I tried to figure out what the hell was happening. More pictures posted and my lil swiftie inside of me came rushing out as I just skipped around the living room. I still remember staying up late to watch LWYMMD music video. It was insane. I lay in my bed with my headphones plugged into my phone and quietly shrieked at the BEAUTY of it. At this point I wasn’t as indulged in the online fandom as I am now, so I started to follow accounts like @marthaswiftie on instagram to be more involved and find out all these crazy theories. The reputation album came out the year right before my life kinda went downhill. I remember the tickets came out for the tour and I didn’t even ask my parents to go because we were going through such a tough time that my own selfish wants were not the priority. 

So beginning 2018, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. We soon found out that it was terminal, which just broke our family individually in different ways. Our family is extreamely close and for something like this to happen, it was such a huge surprise that we just didn’t know how to react. My closest memory was sitting Physics class, just staring into space and all of these horrible thoughts were flooding my mind and all of the worst case scenarios just ruined me. Yet my naive self was so unaware of my emotion that I just carried on with my life, instead trying to be overly happy about life. At this point, my dad was is hospital most of the weeks spending time having his radiotherapy and chemotherapy done. I tried so hard to not think about it, that I ended up having so many breakdowns of which I spent crying my eyes out in my room just trying to hold onto hope that seemed so far away. Selfishly, I so wanted to see you on tour just to give me a pick-me-up but i felt so bad about wanting something for myself since I shouldn’t even be thinking of anything but him. Yet instead, I was so broken that I just ignored what was going on around me. This is what I’ve been learning to cope with and i think at points i felt so defeated. The tour month came up, i watched endless clips of people going and felt so hopeless in seeing you. I was in such a rut of trying to feel happier, yet trying to cover up the way I dealt with things by watching every Youtube video under the sun and literally all the shows on netflix to exist. Even writing this now feels so narrow-minded but it was just the way I was going through it. The literal day before the tour, my sister surprised me with tickets and i canNOT TELL YOU the rush of happiness I felt. I sobbed so much, I did not sleep as I lay thinking about what I was going to wear and the fact that i was going to see you in the flesh. 

The day came, and there are truly no words to describe it. I left school early, rushed home and did my makeup and hair. We hopped on the train and made our way up to london. I remember getting into Wembley and as soon as we walked out of the station I saw a huge group of people wearing merch tops and that’s when it started to kick in. We had a few hours, so we walked up and down the streets, me noticing all the outfits from music videos and award shows that people were dressed up in. Then we sat in nando’s, literally starving and as we ate our food just kept repeating to eachother, “we’re gonna see TAYLOR SWIFT” and every time it gave me goosebumps. A little girl came in as we were finishing, she had little cat ears on and a tutu. She had a top that she had DIYed herself that said I LOVE TAYLOR on it. My heart melted as we made our way out of the restaurant and grinned our way up to the stadium. The closer we got, we saw so many people with VIP necklaces and we looked at eachother rolling our eyes because we were jealous haha. I was so shocked by the diversity of people there, literally every type of person was surrounding us obviously in awe of the event that was about to occur. My favourite bit was walking up the huge pathway to the door entries, we came super early so I could get merch and our route was filled with girls screaming at the sight of eachother. My sister was so confused so I filled her in on the details of how so many people meet online through fan acounts and these concerts are where some of them finally meet. The merch queue was huge, but i had saved enough for a hoodie so we made the decision to stand in it. There were a few girls behind us complaining about the outfits people were wearing, we were annoyed because they kept saying “why do they dress up so much she’s not gonna see them” and my blood just boiled as their remarks piled on top of eachother. As we reached the front of the queue, we heard Charlie playing from the stadium because this line ended being 2 HOURS LONG. I didn’t care though, I said to my sister that the whole fun of it is to wait the long hours and dedicate our time to this day as it was a once in a lifetime. I bought the black hoodie with the zipped hood, they didn’t have small so I got Medium which ended being HUGE, but I love it because I snuggle in i every night. Straight after, my sister took a cute pic of me in the hoodie to send to my mum right before we were about to go through security. It was my first time at wembley so I had no idea what I was doing, but I just followed my sister as we got our bags checked and prepared ourself for the view we were about to whitness. My heart began beating so fast, I was in complete shock and my sister gripped my hand as we found our entry doorway. My first thought was, WHAT THE HELL. I had never been in such an overwhelming place. IT WAS HUGE. the amount of people there just left me in a sedated state for a second before we trudged down the stairs to find out seats. We were in block E, on the floor. It was my first time not being super high up, so i felt so privileged as i strut across the metal walkway feeling so happy about where i was. The struggle to find our seats was REAL. We spent ages when they ended up just being right in front of us the whole time. As soon as we scooted through the others, we sat down and just took a second to realise that we were about to whitness TAYLOR SWIFT PERFORM. My adrenaline was going crazy, my sister took tons of pictures and videos to send to my parents and they were so jealous! Then Camila came on, she was incredible. Everyone stood up as my short height meant I was staring at the huge screen, miming to lyrics to consequences and never be the same. She left and the stadium began to flll up and it just got so much louder. Anticipation grew, every single person in that stadium was just so happy. The Ready for It tune started and that’s when it all kicked off. I lifted myself from my seat, screamed to my hearts content as my sister sang along whilst also watching me give a performance in front of her. Every song was just so amazingly performed. Then when the b stage was next, the whole floor just legged it to get closer. I was nervous to lose my sister or the bags so i remember turning behind me as my sister grabbed the bags and said ‘go’. Little old me bent through the crowd, I ducked beneath and tried to get as close as I could. I remember standing on a chair and as I did i realised that i was less than 5 metres away from TAYLOR SWIFT. I sang along to So it goes and turning back every now and then to see where my sister was and I kept saying ‘Emma, I AM SO CLOSE I AM GONNA CRY’. Every now and then I would pull my phone out for videos but I wanted to grasp this moment as I let all my worries wash away and I whitnessed the most insane moment of my life. As the move for the next stage came, I followed the movement of the crowd as the security officers began to strictly tell people to stop standing on chairs. There I was, spinning around every now and then to see the crowd. Dress was the current song and my eyes lit up at the beauty of Miss swift. The concert followed with so much energy, the seats we had were right at the back of the floor but it was amazing to feel the lit up souls of everyone around me. There was just so much energy, so much love. One thing I remember was grooving to a song when the confetti began to float over us. We were so far back that it didn’t quite reach us yet this one piece was slowly floating mid air quite far back. I followed it with my eyes and reached to grab it as another girl took my opertunity. I was slightly annoyed, but the scenery of lights and idea of my idol being in the same room brought me back to happiness. The night ended with me and my sister talking on the phone to my mum, praising the show and just feeling so blessed. The nightmare of getting home began, as we got on the wrong train and then as we finally settled we were so tired that we almost got lost. My sisters boyfriend picked us up and we got home in a blur of sleep.

That night was unforgettable. It was just all my needs in one place, i felt so satisfied and i watched the videos I filmed of it months and months after, remenising on it. Coming back to present, TS7 is on its way. I woke up at 5am to see the ME! music video as soon as it comes out and see all of the hype. This has been the best day in ages. I have bought the song on itunes and streamed it on every device & app. My fingers literally ache from typing this in one sitting, but it was amazing because I just went through that night all over again from writing about it. But my point is. Whoever is reading this, Taylor or even just my grandma; there is happiness out there. I live by Taylor Swift and her music, she will always and forever be my role model, I LOVE YOU @taylorswift

[troubleshooting-phoenix]

Escape

That’s what the train tickets were called, and it felt like a good description for that whole trip.

Hey. I said I would give some more details about the trip I was talking about last time, and here I am.

I worked until 7pm the day before, and was up until midnight finishing packing and getting ready. Not that it mattered, I have chronic insomnia and the excitement and nervous energy for the trip and the show was going to make sleeping nearly impossible. I did sleep for at least 2 or 3 hours though. And then at butt crack in the morning, my aunt drove me to pick up my travel buddy and drove us both to the train station.

She talked about wanting coffee, but I was pretty focused on keeping myself from exploding in fiery ball of excitement. I don’t like coffee anyway. (Shh... no one tell Jack. I don’t want to be disowned from the fan base!) She had also warned me that she would likely sleep on the train ride, so I had brought along Jenny Lawson’s Furiously Happy which I had been meaning to read forever, colouring books, notebooks, playing cards and of course my cell phone of music and games, to keep me occupied. Yes, like a small child, I need to be occupied.

She did not sleep on the train ride.

Instead, we ended up having rather deep and intimate conversations, on a public train. My favourite part is that these stories are things that would likely be somewhat disturbing to other people, but were of little concern to either of us, because they were things we had accepted as normal for years.

Just to give you an idea of the subject matter... a lot of conversations that weekend involved our dead, alcoholic fathers, as well as abuse, neglect, anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts. I feel like that makes it sound like I’ve had such a rough life. I personally don’t think my life has been that bad... my friend’s life has been much more difficult. There are definitely some things in my past that as an adult, I have learned, are not normal, as I always thought them to be. Live and learn!

She also had to listen to me ramble on about Jacksepticeye at points, and try to figure out if there were things she would need to know about him before the show. She’d seen a few of his videos, and I knew she’d enjoy his sense of humour, since she’s a Markiplier fan. Which is... totally not my fault. I definitely didn’t talk about Mark so much that she started watching his videos, and then realized that he also calmed her anxiety, causing me to drag her into the fandom further. Does that sound like something I would do? ... It’s totally something I did. I’m actively trying to convince her to be a Jack fan as well, but it can take a bit to get past the screaming... especially for anxiety cases with horrifying flash backs that are tied to men screaming. For similar reasons, I also took a little while to get past the abrasive TOP OF THE MORNING TO YA LADDIES! I actually find it soothing now. Go figure.

Of course, we flipped back and forth between these subject matters and sprinkles of other things, like areas we passed through, or general life things. At one very distinct point, I may have exclaimed, “Look! A wind turbine!”

To which she responded, “Yes? Have you never seen one before?”

“Not in the wild!” I explained. It made sense in my head, but she burst into a fit of giggles at the thought of ‘wind turbines in the wild’ and it became a recurring theme of the trip. It’s fine. I can laugh at myself. Besides, I know that I’m crazy and some of the non-sense that falls out of my face, doesn’t register the same way in other people’s brains.

It was a four hour train ride, but it felt like nothing. That’s what good friends are all about. I don’t have a lot of friends, but they’re good ones. Ones that I get along well with, click with and can depend on.

We eventually arrived in Toronto. I had looked up the route from the train station to our Air BnB, because I was very prepared for this trip. Being prepared, almost overly prepared for things, is how I manage the anxious voice in my head constantly going “something is going to go wrong... any... minute”. As prepared as I was, I had no idea where the bus station was, so I gladly followed my friend, who decided that she needed to take care of me, the poor, innocent, child-like, small town girl.

I didn’t help my case, by staring straight up and going, “Holy shit! These buildings ARE tall!”, and then just standing and staring up at them every time she stopped to try and figure out where we were. She tried to complain about the buildings being all you could see and I’m pretty sure I responded with, “I’m being a tourist! Let me have this!” and she agreed that I was a tourist. After wandering around what seemed to her at least, like forever (I was in my magical land of absorbing my surroundings), we found out that I hadn’t gotten bus routes at all. I had found subway routes to our Air BnB. We don’t have a subway in Ottawa, I had no fucking idea what the icon looked like. I know now, I guess. “I hate the subway.” My friend said, and would repeat, at least 20 times during our trip. It became another theme, along with me using the excuse, “Yeah, but I can’t tell the difference between a bus and the subway.”, for basically every other stupid thing I said or did.

We survived the subway. I quite enjoyed the experience actually... which is strange, because I used to take panic attacks on buses at one point. I think I just had so much adrenaline coursing through my body that it couldn’t focus on all the people around us. I was also trying to make sure my friend didn’t take a panic attack herself, since she “hated the subway”. Also, in my defense, I said we could FIGURE out the bus route, and she declared that the buses were terrible and the subway was faster, and wouldn’t help me figure out a bus route. So we took the subway.

We killed some time at a restaurant and then checked into our Air BnB. It was a really nice little bachelor pad, that I booked for the night, for a decent price and was in walking distance of the music hall. Being the fucked up anxiety cases we are, we discussed how it nice it was that it didn’t seem like we were going to be murdered.

The show. Oh the show. I had warned her I was going to be crazy, and luckily I had warned her so much, she said afterwards that she had expected me to be worse than I was. One thing most people don’t seem to understand is that excitement... is pretty close to anxiety. So when I get excited, I can get really over the top excited, in the same way that I get really over the top anxious. We are talking... wiggling, dancing, jumping around because I-literally-cannot-stand-still excited. 

When we got to the music hall, we had to walk for 10 years, down like 3 blocks to get to the end of the line that had formed, to get in. 10 years is an obvious exaggeration, while 3 blocks is probably an understatement. If you have ever needed a visual representation of what 1,400 people looks like... don’t go sit in the theater with them, walk the fucking line at the front door. It makes me wish Jack could have walked along it, just to feel how many people it really was. But let’s be honest, that would cause a scene.

My poor Toronto Sherpa had to listen to me ramble on about Jack, while I was bouncing around and desperately trying not to poke at her, because she hates that. When we finally got inside, I had a moment where I was so overwhelmed that I had to let the energy out and I excitedly clapped my hands and jumped a little. The sudden clap surprised her and she shook her head. “You’re cute.”

Normally, I fight the statement, “You’re cute”, and yes, it’s not the first time I’ve been told I’m cute. In that moment though, I was more happy to be called cute, than get a “could you not do that?”, because honestly, there was no promising that it wouldn’t happen again.

We stood in the merch line and I got a poster (because I have a thing for posters), and a pin (because he has a thing for pins, and I knew he was proud of this one). I also handed over the strange package I had thrown together for him. I have literally no idea if he got it, but hey, maybe he’s better off if he didn’t. It was a bunch of glow sticks... because if he’s the man I think he is, he likes glow sticks. ( I don’t know. Are there people who DON’T like glow sticks? ) There may have also been a ridiculously sappy, and novel-length fan letter. Oh boy. I had been back and forth on actually handing it over and then the words, “Can we leave stuff here for Jack?” fell out of my mouth and the super friendly merch lady said, “Absolutely!” and then suddenly she had the package and my purse was slightly lighter. I don’t know if it was a good decision, but it happened and if he read that fucking letter... I just hope it didn’t come off too crazy and he felt appreciated.

We were guided to out seats, and I just enjoyed the energy in the room. That’s the best part of live... anything. The energy you get from the crowd. This crowd of people who are there, with you, for the same reason you’re there... to enjoy the thing you have come to see. The energy at this show was perhaps better, because it was a small fraction of the community there with you. Earlier, when we had gotten off the bus, someone had seen my hat and asked whether we were going to the 4 or 8 o’clock show. Normally being approached by a stranger freaks me out, but I LOVED that moment. I loved that a random person on a train, recognized my hat, and was also going to be at the 4 o’clock show. He was somewhere in that energy, that day too!

I mentioned this before, but I’m saying it again. Apparently I shook violently through the whole show. “Yeah, it vibrated my seat. Probably helped to keep my back from hurting, so thanks.” My friend told me. I didn’t notice it at the time, but I guess it makes sense. I was on an absolute excitement high. I was hyper focused on everything that happened, and my concentration has been shit for months, so it was pretty amazing.

Jack was hilarious, but I knew that he would be. More importantly, he was real and close enough that I could see him without the binoculars my mother had sent with me. What I wasn’t expecting was the journey, that show took me on and the message it ended with.

I needed that.

I didn’t know it was what I was getting, but I needed it. Somehow Jack (and I keep calling him Jack, and will continue to, so this doesn’t get confusing, but his name is actually Sean, just for clarity)... somehow Jack always seems to do exactly what I need, without even knowing I exist. It’s part of the magic of youtube, I’m pretty sure... even if this was a live show.

I slept worse that night, but I was happy. Ridiculous, crazy happy. Which is not something I often experience. I spent a good portion of the night reading the book I brought, which only helped to push me further in the right direction.

By the way, things get weird when you’re trapped in a bachelor apartment with someone trying to sleep when your insomniac ass can’t do that thing. The best part was my friend, who also has anxiety and sleeping problems, woke up a lot through out the night, and would experience snippets of my insanity. I started out laying on the floor, watching youtube videos until the internet crapped out. Then I listened to some music in bed, to try and sleep. Played some phone games. Then I decided to read and shut myself into the bathroom for like half an hour so I could use the light in there, when I remembered that I had brought some red glow sticks.

I brought red glow sticks in case I chickened out giving the green ones to Jack, and I could break them all and have a glow stick party in the room to make myself feel better. But I gave the green ones to Jack, I already told you that. So I was sitting in the bed, reading by glow stick, when I heard, “Are you alright?”

I glanced over my shoulder and sighed. “Yes... I’m just reading my book...” I held it up and then lifted the red, glowing stick. “With my glow stick.” There was a long silence before I turned to face her more. “Don’t judge me.”

“I’m not. That’s actually kind of genius.” She admitted.

“It’s not the first time I’ve been awake in a hotel room with other people sleeping.” I explained, and then went on to explain why I had the glow sticks.

“I have no response to that.” She muttered, and then tried to go back to sleep. I mean, is a glow stick party really that crazy?

Anyway, that’s it. That’s the day that returned to me, my will to live. I was a little worried when I got home and felt the weight of life hit me again, but as of today, I can happily admit that I am coming out of my depression. I love how all the colours feel brighter, and Jack’s videos sound louder. Yes, I have reached a point where I like it when his videos sound louder!

I’m still not in a great place, perhaps not even a good one yet, but I’m on the way now. I’m finally recovering. There’s more troubleshooting to do here though. Wish me luck!

~ Phoenix