#FUCK PPL WHO SAY MEDICAL PLASTIC IS BAD

[iwantabatlleaxe]

I have a bad habit of insulting my dad (shit guy) through what sound like compliments no, not the comedy way.

The other day I was talking to him and my sister and my dad said he would never stop smoking and that his health would be shit for it, resulting in an early death.

I replied with "you should try vaping", which made my sister correct me as that is more dangerous.

They thought I was trying to come up with a healthier alternative.

I meant it as an insult.

He once (the day before the other story) said that he'd die young from not exercising and that he was already feeling the effects.

"I have more six years to me." He said.

"Do you?" I sound worried.

"More, but six years I can enjoy." Explanation.

"... do you?" Doubtful tone.

OH MY GOD this is like a narrative coming full circle, when I was a kid I'd beg for him to stop, hide his boxes, ask for nicotine stickers to other ppl, but after 21 years of egocentric bs I'm just agreeing when he talks pity on himself

As a matter of fact, talking to my dad is similar to those tense political meetings in media where we both know each other's plans but say things just vague enough not be called out.

Funny thing is that when his "plan" didn't work (reduce child support under the percentage determined by law without breaking contract via having my consent) he went for the THROAT.

Alright this is just a vent now.

But man. It was satisfying.

He talked shit about my mom, she never paid anything blah blah, that stuff.

He was lying! Plus he once refused to pay school materials! He's a prosecutor! He gets 30x the minimum wage! Always did, always will!

He complains about his debts (that he wants to leave for moá) when he spend his father's savings on prostitutes and plastic surgeryfor his wife!

Well, one whore who cost literally my college tuition.

No shade for sex workers, btw, but it's a little strange for his wife to be boasting about how much they spend on their third (who's my age btw!) To refuse to pay child support.

He also talked about how I abandoned them when my grandma died.

I spend her last week there, me and my mother HELPED him with medical decisions, and he didn't tell me about her death so I couldn't make it to the funeral.

My sister found out via her manicures ig.

Oh, and I'm not allowed inside their home because I didn't let the third come to my graduation. It's how he sees it.

I didn't allow my stepmother come (for reasonsTM) (plus the girl is MY AGE. It would be kinda okay if he didn't have the habit of dating his 20/23 yo subordinates.)

Anyways. I hope he stops going to the clubs I go to. And I hope he and my stepmother rot together because what the fuck is that

I've seen all kinds of violence between them (more than you'd imagine! Yes including sexual! On her part! She also said her friend should be thankful if she ever got raped!) So... you can guess how it affected me growing up.

Anyways. I hope they die.

[rgr-pop]

Hi, I have a plastics related question - do you have any thoughts about how disability is often positioned as in opposition to environmentalism? The most common example would be the issue of the irreplacability of the plastic straw, but I have also seen ppl say that disabled ppl would be uniquely impacted by discontinuation of plastic used in health care. I am really struggling with my own thoughts and feelings about this, being disabled myself but also thinking that like, plastics are bad...

Yeah, I have some thoughts. Let me ask you this: can you remember another disability issue getting as much press as the straw ban in your entire life? I can’t, at least not as far as explicit access or justice framing goes. I start with that. 

I saw an interesting brief post the other day from CLEAR, that said that we need to stop referring to the monolith plastic--including, in particular, the monolithic “single-use” plastic--and use instead plastics, to better represent their specificities, including the [subtle?] differences between bad and less-bad, and necessary and less-necessary. And: sure, that’s nice, yeah? What does this do for us? 

What is it about--let’s be more current--a plastic bag ban that makes us fear that medical plastics are implicated?

Here is something that I will say. What’s at stake in this particular conversation is the health of everybody who can access industrialized healthcare, not just disabled people. It may very well be, as it stands and as it will stand for the foreseeable future, that single-use plastics of some kind are absolutely necessary in the American healthcare system--necessary for the practice of “life-saving,” and of maintaining or extending the American life expectancy--and necessary to build and maintain lives for American disabled people. But if that is true, and if we don’t overhaul the system that produces this “life-saving” and life maintenance, then the cost will continue to be paid--as it has always been paid--by people who do not have access to that life. Paid in lives. That’s the reality, and it’s not doing any of us any good to pretend like it isn’t. I mean: it is doing us plenty of good, if we benefit from it! It isn’t doing the movement any good, though. We should care.

I truly do not think there has never been any environmentalism fundamentally, meaningfully at odds with disabled life and politics, at least not when it comes to the environmentalism of industrial toxicity, which is what the anti-plastic movement is, even if it’s expedient to act like it’s a bunch of rich white women who only care about sea turtles. (Quick aside sea turtles do matter and are implicated in “ “ more important things ” “ oh my god.) Then it is also true that disability justice isn’t about--doesn’t have to be about--whatever it is that people are accusing the straw discourse of being--consumer activism, the right of bourgeois American disabled people to demand extraction from the entire planet. People have always wanted to fold disability into consumerist idpol and to evacuate its content, to cast disability as the ultimate neoliberal subjectivity. I think that the media and your nondisabled twitter friends--even your disabled twitter friends who do not need the assistance of a straw, maybe--deciding to make a spectacle of the so-called “ableism” of the movement to end plastics...does this, a little, even if they mean well. (I really do not believe every actor in that debate meant well.)

Is a tiny sector consumer ban stupid, and an empty gesture? Often, maybe usually. Do I think we should also maybe be a little more open as a society to sometimes fucking banning shit? Definitely yes also

[troglobite]

just watched a video by a creator i like about shitty trends in body types and the rise of bbls etc

and the entire last half of the video was her talking about her own body issues like as an example

but.

i just.

her partner is a personal trainer and like.

there was just. a lot of talk. about natural body sculpting. and put in the work like adele. 

i want to be SO PAINFULLY CLEAR that those were NOT! the takeaway messages that were emphasized!

but BOY did they make my skin fucking crawl!

the creator is thin. or at the very least, is Small and Curvy. conventionally attractive.

but she’s put on weight on her stomach and bbls typically take the fat from your stomach and put it on your ass/hips. so ppl w her shape have these flat stomachs. and she’s like damn i’ve considered flattening my stomach

but instead she’s just like “yeah y’know the normal stuff of like what you eat and exercising” and the whole “calorie deficit” thing and i am

.....

FRUSTRATED.

how do you make an hour long video about the damage that the proliferation of unrealistic body image goals and plastic surgery are doing

AND THEN REPEAT FATPHOBIC GARBAGE???

also i’m not going to shit on a person for getting plastic surgery ever

like among the many reasons that’s the case, hi hello i’m a trans person and while medical transition isn’t part of my life (except maybe breast reduction bc i just got back into Seriously Exercising Again finally, and oh my GOD my breasts are a LIVING NIGHTMARE to work around) it absolutely is for so many trans people

like it’s crucial to mental health and survival, and also like, bodily autonomy. let people do what they want. 

HOWEVER

my “exception/however” is that by and large, most plastic surgery things just. perpetuate fatphobia and racist beauty standards and also trends based on them.

and i just think that that DOES need to be laid at the feet of the industry and also health care in general.

like plastic surgery that changes someone’s weight or the structure of their face to match with values that are fatphobic or racist is not morally neutral.

the person getting it is not at fault for it, but the thing itself is like. not morally neutral. it doesn’t make them bad, the thing just Sucks and contributes to like. perpetuating shit in society that is actively harmful.

discussing losing weight and like. applauding adele--who, by the way, has had work done and hasn’t talked about it. like. i’m sorry, her face is not the same, and that is NOT just weight loss. i’ve seen people who were very fat lose a lot of weight over the years, their faces DO NOT CHANGE THAT MUCH. 

it’s not a huge difference, but like. christ. how many celebrities just get their eyebrows surgically lifted, y’know?

anyway whatever.

i was just really frustrated that she talked about curating her instagram to make sure she saw as many different kinds of bodies as possible, and like “accepting fat bodies” or whatever and i’m like. 

and still. you’re talking about body sculpting and losing weight and calories in and calories out. 

like your training partner said “maybe 1 pound lost a week is about as good as it’ll get” and like. yeah at least it’s realistic but also ???

WHY DO WE HAVE TO TALK SO MUCH ABOUT LOSING WEIGHT? AS IF THAT IS SOMEHOW NEUTRAL IN OUR SOCIETY???

and also this idea that people should do what they want--yeah, they should. but what they want does not exist in a fucking vacuum.

are you really going to tell me that people who get procedures done aren’t influenced by beauty standards at the time? or some other thing having to do with like, white supremacy and all its attendant pieces?

again THAT DOES NOT MAKE THEM A “BAD PERSON”

but i AM saying that all of our decisions and preferences are influenced by what is around us and what we take in, etc.

so no, getting a bbl because you want one and it’ll make you feel better--that isn’t. like! that’s not in a vacuum! i mean it COULD be! certainly! i’m not here to be the arbiter of this shit!

i just think this conversation is more complicated than “unattainable beauty standards” and the accessibility (in terms of pervasiveness) of plastic surgery. 

i also don’t think (i’m going to repeat this again here!) that plastic surgery is ~evil~ bc it’s not. it’s existed for a long time and does a lot of good in the world in terms of things like transition, etc. and also just like, things that people wanna change about themselves bc like. idk. bad memories, or just being irritated thinking about one of their features too much and like “eh, just get rid of it” or whatever. y’know? there’s a lot of shit and grey and again BODILY AUTONOMY.

i will never, not in a million years, tell someone what to do with their own body (beyond begging people i love to please for the love of fuck not do something that will 100% give them covid)

that’s not the point i’m making

i think, in an ideal world, it would be possible for plastic surgery to exist and be relatively popular or accepted--and for it to not, by default, perpetuate a lot of horrific beauty standards that literally kill people

but i also just. think more realistic and honest conversations about bodies, how they change and grow, REAL discussion about HEALTH by which i mean--things that are unnecessary that can harm you versus the moralizing of health and dehumanization of sick and disabled people, etc. like having REAL conversations about this shit would, i bet, lower the rate of people getting plastic surgery. 

there’s just so many harms being perpetuated by the industry and the prevalence of it in media. 

and it just. bugs me. that in a longass video discussing just that.

this person. somehow. perpetuated those same fucking problems and praised someone for losing weight.

do you think adele would ever have lost that weight or gotten work done if she wasn’t famous? probably not. at least not to that extent. 

do you honestly think the way she lost weight was safe? was entirely by choice? like. i sure as fuck don’t. i also don’t think it’s sustainable without a FUCKTON of extra work and being miserable in your day to day life. 

i just. i’m tired. i’m sick of trusting people and still finding casual fatphobia.

she literally said at one point “maybe i need to reckon w the fact that my fear of having fat on my stomach is internalized fatphobia”

it’s not internalized it’s just fatphobia. and yes. you should.

the video is more than 6 months old and the vast majority of people commenting are thanking her for this honest discussion.

bc i wanna be so painfully clear about this, too.

her discussing her own bodily insecurities and then attempting to debunk them IS VERY GOOD! YES! MORE CONVERSATIONS LIKE THAT, PLEASE!

but don’t follow it up with talk about “real” ways to lose weight and BODY SCULPT. you’re perpetuating the fucking problem.

people with eating disorders ALSO ABUSE EXERCISE. 

i’m just very tired. hopefully she’s like. idk. had some discussions about it. no one is “perfect”, that’s not my point.

i just wish. that. she had been a little more conscious about how some of that was coming off and what it’s really saying.

also the “why don’t y’all just do it like adele” thing was bitter and more aimed at influencers. but they “joked” about like--

“god forbid people put in some work for once”

//stares blankly

excuse me?

i really can’t tell their full sense of humor or where it’s aiming or what the intent is (bc it was her and friend at that point in the video)

obviously they’re goofing and there is SOME layer of irony. 

but. the way everything was edited. and sandwiched with all this talk about body sculpting and shit (which WASN’T ironic in the LEAST), it’s just. 

not great. i didn’t like it. i sat through it hoping it would get better because the first half of the video was fine. 

i learned a bit about bbls and where they come from and how they work and also how they can kill you (not commonly, but YIKES. enough YIKES to be a dangerous procedures). 

like valuable info! good insight!

and then you top it off with fatphobic garbage. i’m tired. 

oh no wait i forgot. a thing.

she said at one point that she wished she was either much skinnier, or much heavier. because her in-between weight feels weird.

and i would just like to say

AT NO POINT WOULD YOU STOP FEELING WEIRD ABOUT YOUR BODY

AND ALSO BEING MUCH HEAVIER WOULD INCUR SO MANY SOCIETAL ILLS AND HARMS AND BIGOTRY AND STRUCTURAL SYSTEMIC OPPRESSION

KINDLY DO NOT SAY YOU’D RATHER BE “ONE EXTREME” BECAUSE THE MIDDLE SPACE IS WEIRD

at the same time!!!! i’m saying it here and NOT NAMING OR TAGGING HER because holy shit let people feel what they feel and process it

but oh my FUCKING god don’t act like an extra 40 pounds wouldn’t immediately get you on the fast train to “let’s yell at that fatso” town. no, it wouldn’t be better just because it’s more concrete. it would not be better kindly readjust your thinking and take this into account--and also maybe use it to continue to feel better about your body. 

also this is complicated because holy shit race and skin color make everything way more nuanced and complicated! i am ONLY talking about weight--i am not specifying the ways in which fat black women would be treated versus fat women of other races, esp white. my point is just that in general, it’s Not Better than being ~in between~

but also the trauma around being treated as in between? very legit!

i’m tired of having to carry all the nuance idfk man i’m just venting and frustrated. i don’t think she’s a bad person. i think she was right and insightful about a lot of stuff. i think i don’t have a single leg to stand on to tell someone how they should feel about their body or their relationship to it or their trauma or ANYTHING. 

i am just frustrated that a video meant to be a net positive or neutral instead ended up saying this stuff that IS FATPHOBIC because it is PERCEIVED AS NEUTRAL because health is still being held as this golden moral standard without her even realizing it.

this is not me railing against HER. i guess i should’ve specified that to. i’m not mad AT HER. i’m frustrated. 

because it’s so fucking pervasive that even well meaning people fuck up in ways that aren’t just like “oh shit you made a mistake” but like in ways that are like “yeah, accepting fat people is like. okay. but also. it’s still bad and people should still lose weight because it IS possible, just change your diet and exercise more.”

like that is a takeaway that a LOT of people are going to have from that video. and i’m tired. and they’ll swallow it more easily--including ppl w EDs and fat people struggling w body image--because it’s coming from a well meaning person who is sympathetic and educated and kind. 

whatever i need to stop. feel free to please ignore this. this doesn’t need to be a discussion. i’m only typing like half of what is happening in my head rn, rest assured that the most unnecessarily nuanced “all sides” Discourse is currently happening in my head and i’m considering not even posting this rant to my own fucking blog. 

here’s the other reason it makes me feel bad

i just got back into exercising with this dancing company/app that i like and have been following for a while, but i haven’t done their classes or bought a membership yet. i finally did, bc i’m like, i wanna! a lot of things i wanna do involve being more active and fit, and learning to dance. 

and i’m really struggling with how weak and out of shape my body has gotten in the last several years, because i used to be pretty fit. i looked the same, though.

i’ve gained more fat in my stomach and on my back over the course of the pandemic because the SHEER VOLUME OF COMPOUNDING STRESSORS have just continued to go up for the last like. five years. 

and there is NO ROOM to exercise in this FUCKING house, so i’m FORCING it now bc i just got. bored and sick of it.

i want to be fit again bc i want to do cool things and feel good about what i can do, and just be more active.

the strength of my legs was something i LOVED and would brag about. i loved cardio kickboxing bc i felt strong and powerful.

and i never lost much weight at all. i was still the same shape.

so that’s not the goal.

though i DO want to kind of help remove some of the extra fat i’ve gotten over the last few years, because i had already reached my set point weight, and this is extra.

i’m NOT going to change my diet because my diet is already such a huge issue for me, and i think my diet is fine. 

i am NOT exercising JUST to lose weight. it’s all of the above reasons. and i have VERY realistic goals about what weight i COULD lose and actually keep off (not much--10 pounds? idk, i’m bad at quantifying weight bc it looks so different on everyone and at different points in your life)

and i want breast reduction bc my breasts are so fucking huge that they make a LOT of things i want to do and enjoy basically impossible and also they HURT ME. ACTIVELY. and i hate it. 

smaller boobs would make me feel physically better, and also i’d feel more confident. 

but i am STRUGGLING. i hate how weak i am. i hate how out of shape i am. i hate my body bc i sweat SO MUCH and it always makes me feel gross and pathetic and weak and ~fat~ 

but. i don’t know that, even now, i would say that i hate my body. i don’t think i do. i’m REALLY frustrated with it. i hate the passage of time. i hate the fucking world, i hate this country, i’m sick of everything being infinitely harder than it needs to be.

but my body has been so stressed out and panicked and like i get it. if you need to put on some weight about it bc you don’t know what else to do, fine. that’s okay. i will accommodate and adjust. and i will try to take care of you so that the extra weight is just extra weight and not like, declining vitals/blood work, etc.

idk i’m just rambling now, my point was this:

i’m in a really sensitive place with my body. my relationship with my weight and body has been very weird. i’m fat but not a large fat. i’ve been made fun of for being fat but i have structural access to things other fat people don’t. i’ve been fit and i know that being fit doesn’t make me thin, bc that’s just how my body is. i’m short and fat and always will be.

so.

a relatively thin person.

talking about body sculpting.

and putting in the work.

makes me angry. 

because IT’S NOT TRUE.

and it riles up those old feelings i used to have, and still sometimes think about. how much easier life would be if i was thin. the clothes, the access--people thinking i’m hot. people wanting to date me. 

what would my life have been like if i was thin in high school? if i knew what gender and sexuality was at the time?

i can’t pursue this line of thought, it’s not healthy.

but it makes me MAD. 

because that shit isn’t true. and believing that body sculpting and diet and exercise and putting in the work would just FIX my body is like. so fucking toxic.

I LITERALLY KNOW THAT IT WON’T.

it will just make me fitter and more athletic/physically capable. i might lose some weight, so i might look a little more muscular. but i will still have my stomach (though slightly smaller), i will still have big flabby arms, i will still have “thunder thighs” as a fellow 9 year old once told me, my face will always be round.

that’s. like that’s fine. it’s my body. i know what it is. i’m trying to get it back to being fitter so i feel better in general.

and i’m just.

body sculpting is not a fucking thing.

how dare you say that celebrities and influencers saying that bbl results are achievable through diet and exercise are dangerous liars

but YOU saying that BODY SCULPTING is fine is like--not a problem at all.

again, not me mad at this one person.

me mad in general at the things society makes acceptable, even/especially among people who thing they’re anti-fatphobia.

and also just personally. i felt really bad about myself after the first few class-things i did the other day. i felt weak and pathetic. and today was also bad bc i found their “basics of dance” program and it’s. REALLY basic.

and still i was struggling. like intellectually i know it and can do it, but my fit. and my physically limitations.

it sucks. and i hate it. 

and i just don’t want people pretending that you can magically fucking change your body--or even acting like THAT IS A NORMAL AND ACCEPTABLE GOAL YOU SHOULD HAVE

i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired

my fingers hurt i have to stop typing

[audsandends]

My IUD Experience

Because I like to write about intimate experiences in detail, I’m posting this for other people who may have babies via one’s one uterus, or otherwise want an IUD. There is more information than you need to know about me, below. Such as the shape of my cervix. #clickbait

tl;dr: it was heckin weird all three times, and i almost passed out today.

[i tried to make it easy for ppl with phobias, but cw for medical instruments and local anesthesia]

So this whole thing started 6 weeks ago. I went to the gyno, found out that people with high blood pressure shouldn’t be on the pill with estrogen in it (who fucking knew? The doctor at the college health center didn’t) so we discussed alternative BC methods. I already knew i wanted an IUD, so I wouldn’t have to worry about being pregnant or spending hundreds of $$ a year on birth control, because America hates women, and that’s who they think benefits from birth control, not my nonbinary ass or my trans friends’ asses. I mean, they probably hate us too. If they know NBs exist. ANYWAY.

They had to order the Mirena, so I waited about a month for it to go through my insurance and arrive at the doctor’s office. They try to schedule you during your period, because that’s when the cervix is most open for reasons to be explained later. Meanwhile, I got taken off the pill, and all those lovely symptoms came back. Honestly it wasn’t bad, it took a couple weeks for my skin to get with the program, light cramping, and oh yeah major depressive episodes during PMS. But y’know, nbd.

First attempt: My Nurse Practitioner was awesome. Very sweet middle-aged lady, clearly been doing this a long time. She explained everything, and gave me warnings before she touched my internal bits. 

So the way this works:

Pee in a cup for a pregnancy test. (I passed.)

Wear the stupid gown. (take selfies to promote breast cancer awareness among your snapchat followers)

Since it was my first time at the GYN in a while, I had a breast exam. (No cancer.)

Fingers. My NP stuck her fingers in and pressed on my lower tummy to feel that my uterus was in the right place. (it was)

The duck lips. The speculum. That plastic thing covered with cold lube. Honestly, it’s not that bad. It feels weird, but it’s not that different from a dildo. Doesn’t hurt. The point of this is to open up your vajayjay so they can see your cervix. See below for a pic of a speculum.

Let me explain the cervix. Cervix comes from the greek word for “neck” because when giving birth, the baby gets all bottlenecked up in the cervix. (probably, i didn’t research this part.) This is the part that hurts like fuck when you get contractions when giving birth. The cervix is shaped like a donut: fleshy round thing with a hole in the middle. It connects your uterus to your vagina. This is where the baby comes out, as well as menstrual fluids. Normally, doctors can stick something through it that’s about the width of a Nintendo DS stylus. First, the doctor/NP swabs your cervix with a big Q-tip with an antiseptic on it. You don’t want that infected. This is the first time something touches your cervix, so if you’ve never had a pap smear (get one) or you haven’t had one in a while (again, get one) it feels Weird as Hell. Like something reaching in your mouth and poking your uvula with a stick, only worse because it’s at least 4 inches inside of your belly and nobody’s ever touched it before, except maybe a large dildo, and that feels completely different, let me tell you. (don’t keep hitting your cervix with a dildo. I’m side-eyeing a friend of mine, who hammered her divacup onto her cervix with a dildo, while high.)

Next comes the owie part. Dilation. You know how when babies are born, you get contractions? Those are the pains from the cervix opening up. When the cervix is 10cm wide, the baby comes out. Usually labor lasts 4-8 hours of “active” labor, whatever that means. Mayo clinic says it’s about a centimeter an hour. To insert an IUD, you go from nothing to the size of a drinking straw in about 5-15 minutes. So that’s fun. So like I said, they start with a really long Nintendo DS stylus, or smaller. They have to get it through the first opening of the cervix, then through the tighter second opening of the cervix, which is the door to the uterus. If your doc/NP is nice, they’ll tell you “You’re gonna feel something a bit crampy” and then you’ll get the most sudden and strong period cramp you’ve had in a long damn time. (I mean, my periods haven’t been bad since I’ve been on the pill for 3 years, but jeez). They have different sizes of dilators, made of plastic or metal. From what I gather, they usually start with plastic, then use metal for other reasons. They build you up to drinking straw-size.

FIRST ATTEMPT: This is where things got real for me. For a reason that I will explain later, the damn thing wouldn’t go past the second opening. Not even the smallest dilator. We tried for 15 minutes, and then gave up. It sucked.

This appointment was scheduled when I would probably have my period, because getting off the pill can mess with the timing. So about 4 hours after my appointment, I got my period. In full force. Stained my favorite shorts, dammit.

SECOND ATTEMPT: I scheduled the next attempt a week later, thinking I’d still have my period then. It was petering out at that point. We tried again, same lovely NP, same disappointing conclusion. She suggested talking to the Doctor who I’d never met, because another option would be going to the operating room under general anesthesia. General anesthesia can mess with depression. I was not about that, but I really didn’t want to get pregnant at leat until this presidency is over. So I scheduled an appointment to see him.

This time around, the doctor who was very professional and had clearly done this about 500 times, introduced himself and explained exactly what was going to happen. First, we’d start with an ultrasound.  He determined that I had no cysts and my uterus was nice and flat, perfect for an IUD. (I got to see my ovaries, and it was awesome.)

Here’s the kicker. my cervix is almost a 90 degree angle. Not even my cervix is straight (most people’s are.)

This is why the dilator wouldn’t go in the first two times, because Nintendo DS styluses are straight. It was basically poking a wall.

So he did steps 1 through 6, and then skipped over to a local anesthesia to the cervix. It felt like two pinches, but don’t think about it too much. It probably won’t happen to you. But like, it bled and that was “not unexpected” so I didn’t freak out yet.

Now, because my cervix is a Special SnowflakeTM, the doctor had to make it straight. He did this by using fancy tongs to grab and pull it. Second weirdest thing in my entire life. (You don’t want to know the first.)

Once my cervix was straighter than I’ve ever been, and about 80% numb, he went back to step 7 and used the dilators. The cramps were so much smaller this time, and it took like 5 minutes.

This is when he told me I was a good patient, because some people he’d just touch with the speculum and they’d jump off the table. Lol, nah man, shoot me up with the biggest goddamn syringe i’ve ever seen, I won’t say a thing except “hoo boy” and “is it over yet”

Then, he used a measuring tool of some sort and figured out the height of my vagina, North to South. He said it was 7-8cm, which I guess is small, because he said that we’d have to do Kyleena, which is a progesterone-only, 5-year-lasting IUD like Mirena, except it has a lower dose of progesterone, so it’s smaller and easier to insert into my uterus (which, I have just found out, is a perfectly average size. I have never had children, so IDK about moms.) The doctor and I had talked about this beforehand.

Insertion. You can probably find pictures of the insertion device, but I’m going to explain it anyway. Remember those grabber toys from when we were kids? I had one that was a flamingo and my sister had a T-Rex, and you’d squeeze the lever and its mouth would open and close? It’s like that, except instead of a plastic head, it’s a tampon insertor, and instead of a tampon, it’s your IUD. Squeeze the lever, and it pushes the IUD out of the tube. This part had just some little cramps, but felt super weird. Nobody’s ever touched my uterus before, so.

I couldn’t tell when it was over. The nurse finally answered me that yes, it was over. The doctor said he’d just cut the strings, use another big Q-tip to wrap the strings around my cervix for safekeeping, and then took the speculum out. Ta Da!

He did another ultrasound and found that the IUD was in the exact right place!

But wait, the story isn’t over. I put on my clothes, and started noticing the cramps starting. But hey, I could handle it. Just regular cramps, right?

I got some water and checked out. At this point I surreptitiously started hugging my pelvis. It was starting to hurt, so I told the check-out lady that I just got an IUD and it’s starting to hurt, and she said Yeah, I have one, the pain is real.

We set the follow up in 6-8 weeks, and I was done checking out. I got some more water, and the pain was getting worse. I stopped back by her window and said “Do you think if I sit down and wait, it will be better in five minutes?” and she was like “No hon, it’s all day.” At this point, I got nauseous.

I walked to the elevator. My breathing wasn’t getting enough air to my head. Oh no.

I got out of the elevator. I saw black spots and my ears felt muffled. Oh no.

I refused to pass out, so I sat on the nice bench and waited. After a couple minutes, the spots had gone away, and then my hearing went back to normal. I studiously did Not pass out.

It still hurt like a mother. I am unable to describe the pain because I do not remember how it felt, just that it was bad. Somehow, jiggling my leg helped. This is when I started sweating.

It was ridiculous. I have never sweated like this before except when I walked for 3 hours in 90+ degree weather at Pride. And I was just sitting on a nice padded bench in an air-conditioned lobby, listening to two old ladies talk about dresses. I felt like I was shaking. I don’t remember what the dress looked like, though.

Eventually, the shakiness passed, and I called an uber. (Yes I know they’re horrible, but nobody’s given me a lyft promo code yet.) All I needed was to get home as quickly as possible, and there was major construction on at least three streets we drove down.

My uberpool was really nice. I was trying to do some deep breathing, while soaked in sweat, and I figured I should explain that I’m not having a breakdown or anything, so I explained the situation. She was like “Yeah, I heard you breathing hard and was going to ask,” and I thought that was tactful of her to not mention the mississippi river of sweat on my body.

I finally got home and in bed, and promptly looked for someone to complain to. Everything was easier from there.

In total, the pain lasted for about two hours, and never got worse than the nearly-passing-out bit. 

To be fair, I’ve had several unexplained nearly-passing-out occurrences lately, so it wasn’t completely unexpected. It usually happens on the way to work, so I bet it’s i-hate-my-job-and-im-depressed stress. Or, you know, cancer. But not Ovarian cancer!!!

In conclusion, this is not a blueprint of how your IUD insertion will go. I really hope it isn’t. But it wasn’t too bad. The worst part was the almost-passing-out, and there are a few details I left out so as not to scare people with phobias.

Did you know that speculums have existed since at least Ancient Greece/Rome? Tbh someone who wasn’t white almost certainly invented them first, but I googled it while someone was literally six inches deep in me.

[kendrixtermina]

Cold Hearted Girl Blues

The “Cold Hearted Girl Blues” Anthology, & associated story ideas.

Just to be safe, TRIGGER WARNING for Disturbing Content and unhealthy attitudes that are in no way representative of reality. 

Depiction =/= endorsement. 

(Final order may vary)

Part A: Avoidant Attachment Style

Indifferent Girl Playlist - “The expression ‘I don’t feel so well’ makes no gramatical sense. It should be ‘I don’t feel so good’, unless you mean to imply that your ability to feel is hampered.”

Cold Hearted Girl Blues - “One Day she won’t love you either.”

Barren Heart - “The hypocricy of writing about things you know nothing about.”

There Was Nothing In Gauf’s Room - “It’s not her fault, either. What you get is what you see. ”

Failure to Manifest - “Sometimes, this situation has her feeling like she doesn’t exist.”

Cold Hearted Girl Gothic - “Just this single, isolated Conciousness.”

LEERE IST EIN PRIVILEG - “#Introvert Pride.”

Dweeb Life - “Ah, the obscure Joys of bein a shut-in”

Heroin Chick - “Involving no actual heroin.”

You're in a laundry room - “There has been a bit of a failure to connect with this world.”

Biology / inertia - “Even her happiest relationship didn’t go over without being compared to a robot at least once. Balancing extreme introversion with a live-in boyfriend.”

Diffusion - “She has no idea what she looks like. It always surprisesher what people say about her.”

Cold Blooded - “It’s a style of communication, apparently.”

Crazy Headphones Girl - “What could he possibly see in her?”

Cold Hearted Girl Erotica - “Her Kink is compartementalization, but she also dabbles in questionanble sex on drugs threesomes with a hooker.”

Cold Hearted Girl Tumblr - “Preempting the Discourse(TM). I was done with the 2010s when they were a new thing.”

Cold Hearted Girl Musings - “She tries to avoid the common pitfalls, at least in theory.”

Cold Hearted Girl Adventures - “She realizes that she’s the sort of person who breaks people’s heart; She’s like this asshole boyfriend from all these lovesongs.”

Cold Hearted Girl's Lament - “She’s usually the one who has to take it upon herself to be be the rational one and tell you ‘No’.”

Cold Hearted Girl Challenges - “Even the Best of her relationships involved her being compared to a robot at least once.”

Life is Gross - “Including the bits of it that are commonly accepted to be loveable and cute.”

Indifference II: Emotionally unavailable morally ambiguous chick - “There are character flaws, ppl. Being an asshole is generally a bad thing.”

Cyborgery I (the becomming) - “Even when she’s right with you,she’s so far away”

The Minimalist's Wet Dream - “She leads her life with a bare minimum of human contact.”

Alphabet Girl - “It would be one thing if you were competing with the universe, but it’s really her ingrown, self-absorbed world you’re playing second fiddle to.”

Peel - “You thought you could find a normal person underneath, didn’t you?”

Part B: Maladaptive Daydreaming

Endzeitromantik - “No one wants to admit these days that they ever liked NuMetal but she sees no reason to do the same.”

Unapologetic - “She’s not romanticising what she thinks you think she’s romanticising. Or so she thinks.”

Luciferosis - “She’s in love with the Devil and is planning to leave in order to be with him. Of course, she will be missed, but of course, she doesn’t care about it. She’s the sort of asshole who’d fall in love with the Devil.”

Opheliac - “There are multiple ways to be in love with the void. The most relevant ones are not featured in this piece.”

Lone Diggin' - “Going to restaurants on her own.”

The Girl In The Tower - “To preserve something valuable in safe, protected garden... that is not what you did.”

Bizarro Self - “She’s put some thought into this, actually.”

Dreamer Things - “That’s what she calls them, anyway. ‘Dreamer’ may be an euphemism here.”

Make Me Wanna Die - “She just wants to be special, probably because she has no idea what real suffering is. Words mean things, you know?” 

Favorite Love Songs - “Though her real life is barren and deprived, she has a rich inner life. Well, then again, how ‘rich’ can an ‘inner life’ be that only ruminates tiny indirect tidbits of information?”

There Is A Little Harley Quinn In All Of Us - “Unpacking the Whole Badboy Complex. It’s not what you think it is.”

Strange Little Girl - “You really should be going.”

Abstract Dreams - “She doesn’t think they mean anything but she’s willing to indulge the thoughts.”

Joy, Joy, Joy, the Melancholia Rolercoaster. - “She likes to think she has feelings.”

Immortelle - “Involving no Actual Immortals.”

I Feel Personally Victimized By Those 19th Century Romanticists - “Even I am not sure what she’s trying to rove here.”

My Fantasy - “Her kink is apparently freezing to death.”

Cyborgery II - “She envies people whose calloused hands show their dedication to their passion.”

Reality Death - “Silly Rabbit, of course the world keeps turning when you’re not there to observe it anymore.”

Dandelion - “The flower that blooms in adversity is the rarest and most beautiful of all. But sometimes it’s better to be the Dandelion, which can take root anywhere and everywhere.”

Plunge - “If there’s some A grade deaster going on, she obviously won’t miss out on watching.”

Fairytale Ending - “My favorites were Sleeping Beauty and ‘The Salt Princess’. Go on and psychoanalyze me.”

Recontextualizing - “She has different words for it now.”

Peeping Tommie - “It’s at it’s purest where it belongs the least. Or perhaps she just grew the fuck up.”

Paper Flowers - “She’d like to think they mean something.”

Part C: Exercises in Counterdependency

The Butthurt Electra Playlist - “She’s got enough self-awareness to call it that, but not enough to realize it was a bad idea.”

She Will Have her Revenge - “She’ll come back as Fire/ To Burn All the Liars/ Leave a Blanket of Ash on the Ground.”

Hate Poems - “Or: Giving yourself Headaches over people who aren’t worth it”

Pavlov redux - “If you can’t understand like a human, you have to be beaten like a dog” - “Actually, Daddy Dearest, you’re not supposed to beat dogs, either.”

Im Real Good At Hating - “Honestly! I’ve got to have some talent somewhere. ” 

Fuck You Specifically- “Her Lips: Fuck You. Her Hair: Fuck You. Her Clothes: Fuck You. Her crippling self-motivation issues: Fuck You.”

My whole existence for your amusement - “And that is why I’m here with you.”

Sick & Tired - “Yes I know what you think of me, you never shut up.”

Been A Son - “Why does she spend so much time searching for some kind of reason for what you did? Even if there was, it wouldn’t justify your actions.”

Make a list - “It’s supposed to be a therapeutic excercise.”

choice - “It’s the Morton’s Fork of emotions.”

gross girl - “FAART. FAART. She picks her note and eats it. ”

BratFactory - “She outright heard her mother say that she has no value to that man except as a mother to make children.”

AntiStar - “Back in the day, I became obsessed with the thought of a lightless Luminary, an existence that is the very opposite of light.”

Adaptation - “It’s amazing how much a human can twist themselves into a pretzel. It was a matter of survival at the time, you see.”

Emotional Abuse Checklist - “BINGO!”

Remember That We Suffered - “You have no idea what pain is.”

Cyborgery III: We can Rebuild Her  - “Perhaps these vagrant years were simply the means to piece herself back together.”

Idetifikation mit dem Aggressor - “Apparently she looks just like him.”

Es Kocht Die Eifersucht - “A parent is supposed to protect a child from the bad experiences of their youth, not inflict some creepy reenactment of them upon you.”

Curmudgeon (Long Way Home) - “She’s that thing you go to when you want to have a cheap laugh.” 

Visibility - “Your Father Loves you! why can’t you see that?”

Touchy - “You bet she is.”

Light - “She thinks she used to be Light once, but she can’t be sure.”

If I Die, I can be replaced - “I will leave you all behind, move to spain and adopt some children who actually deserve my time and money. Perhaps they will finally appreciate me, unlike you ungrateful wretches.”

My One Mistake Was That I Couldn't Let You Down - “Turns out she wasn’t quite Cold Hearted enough.”

PART D: USELESS, USELESS, USELESS CHILD

Fuckyeahmedicalgrossness - “In my humble opinion, the human brain is way too squishy.”

Something in The Way - “You can always find something.”

Unbirth - “Barely Functioning Lump of Human Flesh. Except no, that’s unfair to the people with real problems. I suppose ‘asshole’ will do.”

Donald Duck Volcano - “I’m not gonna sugarcoat her this time.”

My Wretched Soul Desires Violence - “It’s not pretty, but it’s true. It shouldn’t be but it is.”

Verbal Disclaimer - “I’m not claiming I’m perfect either.”

Useless Child - “How was she supposed to learn if you never let her do anything?”

Madwoman in the Attic - “And they always knew she would be the family spinster.”

Unfair Existence - “At the risk of sounding like a millionaire campaigning for a tax on poverty.”

The Mutant - “Way to make that 9 year old feel like a freak of nature... in the end it’s probably a kind of arrogance.”

Green Grunge - “It’s her jam, except not really. She sure can’t claim to be an expert.”

In Defense Of That Legendary Divorce - “The whole concept of ‘stay for the children’ is utter bullsh*t”

My Fantasy II - “I’m gonna kill all yo fuckers. That’s what quiet people who keep to themselves are supposed to do, right?”

Cyborgery IV – Plastic Death - “My Fetish: All the weak parts of the real me, cut away and dumped in a bucket of medical waste.”

Schreckschraube - “It occurs to her that she’s terribly gross to them.”

Nemo, or as my father lovingly calls me, "Chiquilla de Mierda" - “It’s Spanish for ‘Shit Brat’.”

Hasmereir - “Some of the cruelty is lost in translation, but it basically means ‘Make-Me-Laugh-Thing.’”

You Stink - “Bullies aren’t known for being very creative people.”

Sweet Sweet Reality - “She’s not completely out of touch with it.”

Is there More To Lose Than Gain - “Apparently yes, but she’s not sure how to get it anyways.”

Alraune - “Always with the legends and the soulless children. I think she has a type.”

Confession - “I plead guilty. Mostly to existing.”

Way Too Old For This And F****ing Bored Of It - “Even she is sick of all her emo bullsh*t.”

EPILOGUE: WHATS THE USE OF FEELING BLUE? - The next step, apparently, is crying.

[gnostalgist]

🌻rules: once you have been tagged, you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. At the end, choose 25 people to tag.

I was tagged by @fixationpsychosis ! (thank u!)

🌻LAST…


[1] drink: zero ultra monster energy fsdjlfkjds (its the only Good(TM) monster so i had to specify)


[2] phone call: my grandma probably. if skype calls count, then dirk.


[3] text message: my grandma...


[4] song you listened to: ok it was the schuyler sisters from hamilton but it was bc i was doign a colorguard routine to it which probably doesnt help but

[5] time you cried: idk... a couple days ago

🌻 HAVE YOU EVER…

[6] dated someone twice: yeah


[7] been cheated on: uh you know what? probably, yeah.


[8] kissed someone and regretted it: not immediately??? but yeah


[9] lost someone special: yeah i mean.. i hope its not permanent but yeah


[10] been depressed: all day erryday


[11] gotten drunk and thrown up: nah

🌻 LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLORS…


[12] pastel pink


[13] the one shade of red u know. like my blog aesthetic


[14] orange but its gotta be soft

🌻 IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU…


[15] made new friends: yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i made so many new good friends somewhat recently!! i love them!!!


[16] fallen out of love: im trying

[17] laughed until you cried: yeah


[18] found out someone was talking about you: hhhh yeah

[19] met someone who changed you: mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm


[20] found out who your true friends are: hh yeah


[21] kissed someone on your Facebook list: ive only kissed two people ever and theyre both BLOCKED AS FUCK

🌻 GENERAL…


[22] how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: (sidenote: i dont like the term “real life” when talking abt friends bc just bc u have ldrs doesnt mean u dont know the person in ‘real life’ bc u do. but i know what its asking so im just gonna answer that) 3... because i panicked and deleted almost everyone off my friends list


[23] do you have any pets: i have a cat named Pico de Gato

[24] do you want to change your name: legally? yeah. but idk im ok w my name(s) rn


[25] what did you do for your last birthday: hhhhh I CRIED BC NOBODY WAS ABLE TO HANG OUT AND I SAT IN MY ROOM ALONE but then the other day my friend brought me weed as a belated bday present so whatever

[26] what time did you wake up: 6 am


[27] what were you doing at midnight last night: sleepin

[28] name something you cannot wait for: GREEN DAY AND AGAINST ME CONCERT NEXT MONTH!


[29] when was the last time you saw your mother: oh god last summer i think im not sure


[30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: not having bpd and ruining all of my relationships

[31] what are you listening to right now: against me bc i remembered the concert for #28...

[32] have you ever talked to a person named Tom: i went to middle school w someone named tom and i had him in social studies and he wrote a song for a class project on guitar except it was really bad 


[33] something that is getting on your nerves: this one kid i kind of know thats.. actualyl terrible i want them to die....


[34] most visited website: tumblr/youtube 


[35] elementary: idk what these are actually asking but i... think its asking where... i started to kindergarten at a school in south dakota, and then a different school here from then until 2nd grade; 3rd grade in texas; 4th in rochester, minnesota and 5th in winona, minnesota


[36] high school: currently in rn and it sux


[37] college: either going to a technical school here to get a degree as a diagnostic medical sonographer or going somewhere??? to get a phd in psych to be a clinical psychologist. prolly the former tho,,

[38] hair colour: black but rly badly dyed


[39] long or short hair: idk its like to my shoulders when its down but also i have a mohawk


[40] do you have a crush on someone: YEA IM RLY GAY FOR MY BF

[41] what do you like about yourself: my eyes and Musical Abilities(TM)


[42] piercings: idk i dont really want any,,


[43] blood type: idk ??
??????????????

[44] nickname: roxy (if that counts..), kasp, rox, friendly ghost


[45] relationship status: IM LVOE DIRK


[46] zodiac sign: picses/aries


[47] pronouns: god i dont fucking know.. any?? except if we’re not close u cant use she/her but. yeah idk. any.


[48] fav TV show: hm twd probably


[49] tattoos: i dont have any, BUT
 im going to get a bike helmet? idk where yet though. and then just those plastic vampire teeth, and finally, the Most Important one, the word ‘drown’ in morse code on the inside of my left arm. im gonna?? try to meet tyler joseph and have him write it for me.

[50] right or left handed: right

🌻 FIRST…


[51] surgery: i had surgery on my tongue in like 1st/2nd grade bc i couldnt like. lift it up


[52] piercing: none


[53] best friend: a girl named zaneb

 
[54] sport: uhhh i tried to do bmx for a while but ive never been in a sport rly until now if u count colorguard


[55] vacation: hm my familys always been poor so like. we’ve only gone to texas and south dakota to see family


[56] pair of trainers: wh.. what

🌻 RIGHT NOW…


[57] eating: nothing but i just ate a cookie i baked. also i know this isnt what it asked but i just want to say ive ate 7 tacos in the past 3 day.


[58] drinking: ALRIGHT i started writing this post like 4 hours ago but im still drinking that monster


[59] I’m about to: nut

[60] listening to: against me


[61] waiting for: dirk to come online?????


[62] want: dirk to come online?????


[63] get married: probably not..


[64] career?: diagnostic medical sonography or clinical psychologist

🌻 WHICH IS BETTER…


[65] hugs or kisses: hugs... kissing is honestly disgusting and ngl like 95% of the time ive kissed anyone i just found it Gross dskfjds;ld


[66] lips or eyes: eyes.....


[67] shorter or taller: ok i dont actually care either way but listen. dallon weekes is 6′4′’ and he can W R E C K  M E


[68] older or younger: i dont care but i usually just happen to like ppl older than me? but not by much like a year at most


[69] romantic or spontaneous: both


[70] nice arms or nice stomach: idc s’all cute


[71] sensitive or loud: idk both but at different times??

[72] hook up or relationship: relationship...


[73] troublemaker or hesitant: idk..

🌻 HAVE YOU EVER…


[74] kissed a stranger: god no. i tried once when i was 12


[75] drank hard liquor: yeah but i was depressed and we dont talk about that period of my life

[76] lost glasses/contact lenses: i dont.. wear them.

[77] turned someone down: i dont think so... nobody is interested in me ever lmao

[78] sex on first date: GROSS


[79] broken someone’s heart: i dont think so


[80] had your own heart broken: yeah

[81] been arrested: ....listen


[82] cried when someone died: no


[83] fallen for a friend: hm i dont think so. unless u count dirk but i had a crush on him like immediately

🌻 DO YOU BELIEVE IN…


[84] yourself: every other wednesday


[85] miracles: eh

[86] love at first sight: no but i think u can kinda have a connection at first sight. like a “i know im going to love you” at first sight.

[87] santa claus: yeah ofc


[88] kiss on the first date: hh it depends idk


[89] angels: i am an angel so like

🌻 OTHER…


[90] current best friend’s name: i never have like actual best friends bc nobody likes me but idk ill go out on a limb and say martin


[91] eye colour: blue


[92] favourite movie: the labyrinth or heathers or little shop of horrors. or book of mormon if we pretend thats a movie

im too lazy to tag people i am SORRY if u wanna do this then say i tagged u tho!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

[somedaypast-thesunset]

im honestly so much better than i thought i was. 

like you have no idea whats going on when ur in the war. you dont know who youre shooting at, what the fuck is happening, who you are - you have no idea. and in this war you go through shit that is like unbearable in some ways and you do it and you dont know how and at the end of the day when its all over youre just left with this massive action that formed every thought you now have and you dont know what any of it really meant. 

but like i have beat myself up for time for not being super amazing totally together. like i dont have a job. my work experience is small. my depression is heavy, heavy, heavy. 

but what i needed to see was someone else who has felt this same loss. i needed a comparison to know that i wasnt as fucked up. even though i lived through all the shit i lived through, even though my mother was dead by the time i was 20, even though my dad died 5 years later - i’ve never been on such levels. 

does that mean im heartless? i dont think so. clearly i am very bothered by these deaths and massive losses in my life. its something i think about everyday all day. but i have dealt with serious ptsd for like.. a decade. 

and i never cracked.

and then on top of this i continued to take huge abuse after the intial trauma stopped about my trauma. and i never cracked. 

no. listen. 

i have no idea how i am here today. i have no idea how there is a man downstairs on heroin kicking the walls and thats not me. how is that not me. i have felt such pain. i have felt such sorrow. but never have i been such a person. literally my worst moments the deepest darkest moments last maybe 10 hours. not because im not prone or i dont feel it as strongly. i feel it so strongly. ive felt all the worst feelings. i feel like im 50 years old bro. its not even just like dead ppl. i saw toooooooooooooooooooooooo much. i know tooooooooooooooo much. 

what is it inside of me that has kept me from making this worse for myself. I COULDVE HAD A BABY. do you know how easy it is to do THAT. its easier to make a baby than buy drugs, really. i couldve had like.. multiple babies. like i look at people and im like omg that couldve been me. and not even like.. oh im better than them its like omg if it wasnt for this like one fucking difference between me an them, i would be that. i would be them. i would have children and do meth an like ...

how in the helllllllll did i do this? this man within two months of a death is so distraught by his grief he cannot function as human towards other. yall i didnt even get drunk. i didnt have time to get drunk. i had real life responsibilities towards myself and other people. while living with a total piece of shit who put holes in my wall. okay. my father dies and im living alone now with a man who put holes in my fathers walls. i try to break up like a week before and i cant because my dad is still in the hospital and everything is so crazy because like we know this man is dieing. 

have you ever watched a man die? have you ever WATCHED a man die? have you ever in your life watched a grown ass man choose to die in human excrement in diapers cant stand cant walk - have you ever in your life watched that?

my ex did. twice. and i had to have that man arrested and to this day i feel guilt about having to do that because he had to experience this trauma as well and he had to handle it however he was going to handle it and he couldnt handle it either. 

i imagine its like the same when you watch someone die of cancer in some ways. like not the exact because theres no choice with cancer. but i guess the question why remains. why did cancer have to befall you. why does cancer exist. why does cancer have to kill you. 

depression killed both of my parents and both of my parents lived with it for AT LEAST 40 years (my father probably longer).both of my parents chose not to do hard drugs. my dad was a very light alcoholic if you could call him one at all - he drank sincerely recreationally but it became a crutch to deal with everything else.

and i even get having the most important person you knew die. and do you understand that i know this so well that i even understand that right now you think that no one else “gets” how important this person was to you. how mighty an great they were because when a very important and beloved person to you dies there is so little room for the negative even though it can rear its head. 

my parents shaped everything i am to this day. they are dead and i absolutely live in the exact EXACt same lifestyle i lived in when they were alive. i changed absolutely nothing about myself in my grief. it has only been literally this year where i have been like okay. its time. and with my mother ... i dint. i i kept a giant GIANT wooden piece of shit box for these people as a symbol of respect when sometimes i really hate them sooo much and i am soooooo angry with them. 

sometimes i forget that im about to be 30 because i feel 15. i feel like when i woke up at 15 except now i am living my nightmares. everyday. and i still wake up everyday, i still try and instead of going batshit insane i took the time to truly explore how i felt about these people and the things that happened to me. instead of just crying about it and being sad and oh no hes dead it was like i knew there was a solution. and i think in some ways its true about my inplanted addiction to instant gratification. an i say this because i did it to myself by using the internet and other things (weed) to instantly satisfy boredom and anger an sadness. what i wanted at the time was to instantly solve how i felt. both times. and not like just make it go away but to “overcome” grief. like i would be enlightened by the grief and oh you know - my mother, shes found her peace now. my father, no longer suffering. its all supposed to happen its all alright. 

and i guess i also in this moment dont want to lie to myself - at 19 i was really unenlightened. at 19 i think i acted ... u know, im having a moment. and its not lke a deep one but i think for like.. maybe 8 years or so i kind of disregarded my ex’s feelings at the time. everything i felt overshadowed it and i kind of gloss over how i cheated on him but “didnt cheat” because i “broke up with him before i di anything” even though i 100% cheated on him. like i spoke the words of breaking up to him before i physically involved myself but it was like a plan between me and this fucking dude sooooooooo its really low and this is like so much shame in my life. i hold so much shame an regret over my actions that i just quickly tell this part of the story of my ex but its pretty bad. and then questionably bad things happened afterwards due to both of our immaturity and insecurities. my life was fucked before she died but i cannot fully say i never hurt someone. i cant say that. thats such a lie to myself. in my grief i did in fact hurt someone else. i disregarded another person and like its soooooooooooooooo hard for me to give any leverage to my mother. like she never made me feel or do anything fuck her. but my main abuser in life died. a person i saw like.. everyday of my life until i was 16. she was soooo important to everything i am today and to be really fair - i’m probably still fucked up because i absolutely refuse to deal with what she did. like i dont want to relive it any more than i already do even though you have to through it to overcome it. 

i smoke weed uner the influence of my father and i think i smoke weed for the same reason he drank - my mother is the reason i smoke weed. for the most part. like im really haunted by my father sometimes but i became so accustomed to this weird life with him that i mostly have like a culture shock where i realize other people didnt do this and then i get over it. sometimes i think about what he looked like when he slept and how it looked like he was dead. sometimes i picture the foot rotting off his body. recently ive pictured the blackheads on his back. they were really bad but not in like im traumatized way - my mother picked at his blackheads and i started doing it an its just a weird gross probably semi normal thing so like even though i have these images sometimes of my fathers illness what i am most haunted by is the words my mother put into my brain. i was brainwashed. i feel brainwashed. and sometimes i repeat scenarios she did. sometimes i do things she did and not like a nostalgic oh i have my mothers traits but like sometimes i lie. sometimes i tell lies. sometimes i have told lies to be able to get someones attention or pity. like not often at all. not even a handful of times in my life have i done this. very spread out. its not common. and its so shameful but i saw my mother do it and she did it pretty well and people would feel sorry for her and give her attention and it wasnt good or deserved in anyway but it worked.

sometimes. sometimes i have exaggerated illnesses. sometimes i have downplayed symptoms i am having. and i do this i think because i was trained to do this. my mother told me i was sick, she told me the symptoms and it was all repeated from there. i have been extremely lucky to have like no major medical issues since i was a child. i have never had to deal with anything happening because im actually pretty physically healthy outside of the toll depression takes on my body. i coud of course quit smoking but i dont have lung issues. i was told i had asthma for 13 years. we had to move. we had to fucking move bro because i had “asthma” and i had to take the inhalers and of course man of course it wasnt ust inhalers it was the fucking plastic tube that somehow made it better you held between the inahler and your mouth. 

to bare it all - i dont even know if im allergic to pine. my mother said i was allergic to pine so no more real christmas trees but what if this bitch was doing it to me. ive never had like extensive exposure to these trees since then. who the fuck knows.

why is it - okay. when i go to the hospital they ask me allergies and i repeat verbatim the same thing my mother said to every doctor i ever met, “sulpha, pencillion, amoxicillin and codiene” 

tell me why as a child i frequently had penicillin and at no point in my memory was there like some reaction upon taking this. and everyone remembers it. we all know the banana flavoured medience. and i remember taking it so many times an then suddenly i didnt  and suddenly it was apart of this list and like maybe i developed an allergy but what if she just decided? how did she find out i was allergic to these other things? i am REPEATING A MANTRA by a woman who nearly killed me using prescription drugs. 

i make alot of excuses. im probably lazy more than depressed because if i was sooo scared i could get tested for my allergies and know for myself. 

do you know how upsetting my birth certificate was? and it wasnt even my mothers fault, it was more my fathers fault. but all these little dumb things and its not like ths is crazy never heard of its small things that other people experience too but they hold so much weight like can someone tell me why my mother stopped spelling her name right? like shortly after my birth she no longer spelt it theresa and spelled it teresa. and i had such a moment at her funeral when i saw her name spelled right and asked why it was wrong. that she had spelled it without an h. her parents were like .. confused and appalled that i suggested she had done this an like of course her name was with an h. and fair enough guys. you are the people who named her. which means it was in my lifetime that it changed. and on legal documents even though she maintained her first real name (mary) she spelled it teresa. but these old documents and the way my father spelled it was theresa. whats in an H? like maybe im crazy right. maybe im just making a big deal out of something small but usually when something lke this occurs its because ssomeone else made the mistake and usually youre a foreigner. like someone wrote your name on an official document wrong and now thats just it. but this woman .. she went to private school like she had to have had official document before 1990. this woman made a concious choice to drop the H in her name. why? was it a choice? did she just like slip up one time and went with it for 19 years after? like did she fuck it up so majorly in some public way that she had to convince other people this is how she spelled her name.

and like its been a really long time. and i dont have a lot of these documents anymore. to be fair, i have like 7 remaining objects of my mothers. i dont even know if i have documents with her writing outside of a wedding guest book from 1980. so sometimes - sometimes she wins. sometimes i think that maybe im wrong. maybe i just think she stopped doing it but like why would i notice this? why would i think about it so much? 

sometimes i try to think really hard about her but i did such a job at blocking her out and smoking away these memories i literally cant remember more than like 10 - 20 memories of her. i spent half of my life with her. closely. and like.. i remember when i was in like grade 3 - 5 because i was walking to a certain school and i remember this is like.. no you know what. i have atleast 5 seperate memories of this and thsi in itself says something - faking sick. i faked sick religiously. and like i knew this bitch would buy it because at this point im a clever angry bitter child with no true subconcious yet. im like i know my mother will buy into sickness - thats who she is- and i wont have to go to school.

so i start the day before at bed. im coughing. im coughing really hard because of my asthma right but im not sick at all im good but im forcing these dog coughs at 2am and she wakes up and its like oh well i guess youre sick and im doing this so often i have a memory of her frustration like she almost almost knew but this was her job and now im playing games. and its like man you trained me to do this but your power was taken and now im using your training against you and all you really wanted was a sick kid. so im giving you all you wanted and none of it is real. and like im aware of this complexity at this point. even really early my father is now pissed at her and they dont trust each other. and theyre fighting about me and shes saying look at this and hes saying this is what you did. this was what my mother did to me. he knew that like i was turning cold because she was cold towards me and he knew it and he was telling her youre doing this to her stop doing this to her and she didnt so it just kept going.

in grade 10 i faked a heart problem. i freely admit this because i feel like its “okay” because it coincides with dropping out of school. but now im desperate. like im so desperate in this depression and my first year was her trying to kill herself and getting kicked out of the house and im like omg i cant do this anymore im not going to school something is going to give even though school is  a relief from home, i was starting to have all these expectations at school academically and socially and i couldnt keep up and something had to give and i couldnt get rid of my parents so i was done.

my father wanted me to “get a job” but it was like... you know. someday youre going to have to get a job. and in my own volition, once my mother had left for a year, i got a job. i was semi comfortable. on my first day of this important job my father became gravelly ill and spent like .. a month in the hospital. and im still going to work. im like 17 years old, everything has gone to shit and im still going to work. and im on the bus everyday crying to my friend that its all so fucking awful and i just want to like party and get high. 

so i started. and i spent all of my earnings on partying and getting high on mdma and k and weed. in one summer. it was like 3 grand or something which is alot of money for me in any time of my life thus far. thats the only time i ever earned a significant amount of money. 

but then i stopped. because within me i knew especially the hard drugs were beginning to do their damage to my body and i was drinking too much and i did carry it on for like a year before my ex put his foot down and i decided i didnt want to be a person in a relationship on drugs like that. we smoked weed and it was fine. 

and like on paper seperately - bratty attitude filled choices. i lied and faked an illness to get out of school, partied while my father was ill. and like i knew this. and in my early 20s i frequently reflected on these choices and actively knew i had to choose other things. was it fun? yes. was i with close loving friends? yes. was i safe? yes. was it the right thing to do? no. and i feel like if i dint make that choice back then i couldve set myself on a better path. but i gave up. i gave up and i give in for this moment and i never fully recovered, i just choose to smoke a shit ton of weed instead. i couldve learned real coping skills but i chose not to and now im almost 30 and i suck, utterly suck, at life. but it could be worse and i could be him. 

we finally spoke - no he answered the call and spoke whatever he wanted to to me still. that he couldnt deal with this and blah blah but its funny i guess as i told a friend i had said my last word were that i was not going to speak to him again. she said he mustve replied because that usually gets him. and its sad i have to resort to feeling like im not going to speak to him again to get any response. and im not being crazy and needy or whatever like you signed up to take care of someone who has major trauma surrounding this issue and you knew this. like in june im crying about how this was my parents fault. i have a whole process i have to go through over the course of my life because like i cant decide randomly one day to face this fear and anxiety. this type of issue has to come up as it will and it may not be a good time for me or anyone else but i now have to face and overcome this issue that is not just a medical problem but DIRECTLY related to my parents neglect. like every time a doctor asks how this happened how many times why has this happened this way i have to explain just the bare bones of how my parents how TWO GROWN PEOPLE thought this was okay TOGETHER and let it go. leaking blood and pus. this is like ... what this cyst has caused me in emotion and mental damage is sooo much morre than the cyst itself. the cyst is simple. knowing the neglect of it caused it to come to such a point that it has to be surgically deal with is painful. how did they fuck this up for me? and its like i couldnt just get surgery at 18. at 18 i didnt have a flare up. i have to wait for the flare up to deal and im like just dealing with it as it comes you know because its normal and i guess every few years i have to get this thing lanced thas just who i am now? i guess? but could be worse. could be wayyyy worse. like it coul be on my face, first of all. it could be like in my labia and i would have ppl touching my labia and doing things. it cou be on my actual butthole. it could reoccur every week. every month. 

eventually i got a few moments to speak a full thought and i told him it was extremely important to me to have someone capable of dealing with the worst of my anxieties and traumas before during and after this incredibly important moment i am about to face and optimistically overcome. i just know i will be very not okay about it. i know this, i did this by myself its not even like im playing it up for others like im by myself in public sobbing soo hard they cannot take proper vitals. thats how much this is for me. i will not have someone be neglectful or judgemental or take away my right to feel the way i have to feel in order to break through this. like im not taking away anything from anyone else, i’m just laying out what is require and if you can do that, then fine, but if you cant then no im not going through with this.

he made a weak argument and i explained that the last time i had to deal with major medical hospital things was my mother. so i am not okay with this and i am freaking out and this instability hes displaying completely on his own makes me question what im doing. and he continued to rattle off these excuses and started into “you want to talk about traumas, what about ...” and i just turned the phone away and waited until he was finished because you cannot tell me that im not allowed to feel any sort of ways about anything or talk about my mental illness or the things ive gone through and immediately launch into your own. there is give and take and youve already taken everything im willing to give now. he says i have to give him a straight answer because he needs stability and to figure out what hes going to do. 

.......

to live with this, i have every right to feel depressed and uncomfortable and unhappy. 

i need to begin the process of mentally letting him go. i want to feel free to talk to random people and open myself up to random people and experiences and i dont want to even think about anything with him. like honestly, there is no future with him or associated with him. he cant fix some of these things, its not going to happen. and im going to allow him and give him opportunities in the future to still be shitty to me. and future me needs to understand that this is just proof for why i have to let it go. 

and like im frustrated - in my perfect world ive abandoned this dream because ive found something better an more fulfilling to me. its so hard to abandon something without anything else. and like i get really aggravated when im in my i dont know what the fuck to do moments. and eventually i find something - anything - and i really try to put myself into it. like that becomes my new job because im trying out all these roles in life and maybe this one leads to something. like i enjoyed jewelry, a lot. but ike i wanted something bigger and grander and to be apart of something and like i guess build on the jewelry. like i went from collecting bones in a forest by myself to showing in an art gallery and going to receptions and making new friends - i like the beginning of my art career story. its glamorous and hopeful. 

and then i thought like i could be more than an artist. i could have a gallery or a studio, i could curate shows, do events - i could contribute to the arts and culture in the city and possibly resolve or find resolution for some of these issues. and i learned like.. a lot about art. i basically forced a semester of art history and basic art techniques down my throat and practiced daily. i wanted to feel knowledgable and professional and like prepared to take on the 1%

and i just lost that. like i built that for myself, by the way. thats not off the back of a man or relationship. amongst all my shit, i created a very minor artistic career. and i was / am well respected for my dedication and quality and like ... i really received a lot of praise. i got very little known hatred towards me. my shit was good enough it sort of overtook an ex friends venture an made her jealous. i was the first person in the city hands down to create a website dedicated to arts in the city. like maybe in 10 years there will be 50 more but i was the first. i was the one who knew how to do it. i left just a tiny make with my minor career. that i built. by myself. in the 5 years before and after my dads death. 

but its not that like i dont “want” to do that anymore. i think i do? but the city is not about it. the numbers to bring people out are small. the money is non existant. the quality of talent is not great. i think if i had entered a more viable scene i couldve graduated from what i was doing but as it stands its just not going to happen. and making money from art is really hard and no one respects a person who just paints unless theyre like the most amazing artist and i guess really i have nothing i want to say anymore. ive tried to express alot of things through art and things are left unfinished. im just ... not an artist like that. 

but im not even like mad at myself for it - 20s are your time to find yourself. im not an artist. and maybe i wont be a wildwoman land developer either. i know that if i could decide on something, if i could find something i actually cared about that i could achieve it. it would literally me be just saying 100% doing this and it being done soon after. no games. no waiting around. if i really wanted it i would invest everything i have into it. i know that.