#FO2ADC21DF37

[ineedrelationshipadvice]

Did he cheat 6 years ago?!

I am with my boyfriend/partner just about 8 and a half years! We love one another very very much and even talk about having kids and plans to build a house together! We couldn't be happier where we are.

However 2 and a half years into our relationship it arose to the surface that he had been very friendly with another girl for about 5 months that I knew nothing about to the extent people were saying he had a second girlfriend. We were both 20 and this "girl" was 16 turning 17. He says he didn't tell me because I wouldn't approve of the friendship which back then I probably wouldn't have. My parents obviously found out because of the state I was in, even they couldn't believe it.... but this day would be proud to call him a son. At this stage I'd like to point out I was never ever unfaithful in my relationship and to this day have never been! But back then I definitely took him for granted. When people started asking me was I not with him anymore and found out he had been lying to me about where he was on the weekends to hang out with friends, because I felt I had to be with him every minute when I wasn't working.

Long story cut short I took his word that nothing had happened and gave him a second chance as such, even though there were signs that did him no favours. I did not want to end our relationship based on what others had said! 

6 years later we are really happy and as funny as it sounds I trust him again (took a long time) and would probably find it hard to find someone who treats me the way he does. My parents love him and love how he is so so good to me! He always has been,bar that one time when it all went to hell, but that's why I found it hard to believe. He is the love of my life and I his. He even talks about the day he gets to call me his wife. He supports me in everything I do, even encourages me and is my rock in general and I definitely don't take him for granted anymore.

However..on occasions I get dragged down and think back to when my heart was broken and wonder to myself what If he didn't tell me the truth back then and this relationship is based on something I believe to be true. Yes sometimes I let my thoughts get the better of me.

If I look at a film where cheating is involved it takes me back, a song about cheating it also takes me back..even though he may not have done anything it's just what I think about.

The hard part is...how heart broken I'd be if he was not in my life at all...but also if he did in fact not tell me the truth about what may have happened all those years ago even though I believed what he said back then! It's the kind of thing I don't want to bring up because 6 years later I should have let go by now and because I don't want to ruin what we have now! Every time I try to forget, something always brings it back to my mind! I want to be with him, but I also want to stop making myself have these thoughts also, because I get super emotional and also upset at the fact I can't seem to let it out of my head.

Unfortunately, in a situation like this, you don’t exactly have a whole lot of agency to make much change. Like you said, all of this happened a very long time ago. There’s nothing wrong with the fact that you still struggle with something like this. Having your trust broken in any way can be extremely destructive to a relationship, and the fact that you made in this far without having other issues arise is both surprising and awesome, and you should be proud of what you’ve constructed here. 

But if you drill down to the core of a relationship, all good relationships are based on a fundamental bedrock of trust. You trust that when your boyfriend promises that he’ll love and cherish you forever, he actually means it. You trust that your boyfriend has the sense and commitment to not cheat on you with ever single person he meets. You trust that he will support you no matter what you go through in life. 

This is why having that trust broken is so critical! You put all that faith in him, and then he rocked the boat. The boat almost capsized, but you both managed to stay afloat without going overboard. That doesn’t change the fact that it almost happened, and you’re going to remember that moment probably for the rest of your life. 

But YOU HAVE TO TRUST. At the end of the day, if you don’t trust him and his words, this relationship is forfeit.

Did he cheat on you back then? Did he potentially do something bad? It’s impossible to say. From the story that you explain, you definitely have noticed all the potential red flags of cheating, and his excuse of “just being friends” doesn’t seem to be a very good excuse at the best of times. There was indeed room to cheat, and if he did, he has concealed it pretty handily all this time. 

Where does that leave you? 

At the end of the day, you have to decide how much this really matters. How important is it that he may or may not have cheated on you in the past if he is currently in the space where everything is working, you’re happy, and the potential of the event reoccurring is almost zero to none? Because that implies you have a very healthy relationship, and it’s something I can only support. You have an INCREDIBLY long term relationship; most people fail LONG before you, and you’re still going strong. If you two are working toward something great together, then I would remiss to simply suggest you break up over something that is largely water under the bridge.

It should also be mentioned that a lot of people say, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” And while it is true that those who cheat have a high propensity to cheat again, it doesn’t mean that this is true for every individual. Even if your partner DID cheat, it’s possible that he learned his lesson, and completely reformed his behaviour to be more committed. 

Nobody is going to be able to know what happened between him and this person he knew except for him. And anything short of coming up to him now and asking what the heck happened between them back then, there’s no way to know. He’s also not obliged to explain what happened either, and if he continues lying about it - assuming he did do it - then you’ll continue living in ignorance about what may or may not have happened. So even hearing him admit, as truthfully as he can, that he did not cheat may not even resolve the anxiety you feel over the formerly broken trust.

And this entire conversation so far is ASSUMING HE’S A CHEATER. It’s entirely possible that he didn’t cheat at all, that this person was just a friend, and nothing bad came about at all. It could have been a totally platonic friendship, with no foul-play, and he could have been telling the truth ever since the beginning. 

Sometimes you just have to trust. 

___________

Beyond that, I think the best thing you can do moving forward, if you really want some closure, would be to consider therapy. I know therapy is a hassle when you have a busy schedule. But if you have the funds and ability to access a therapist, I can’t recommend it enough. They can help you try to come to terms with this issue of broken trust you feel, and potentially deal with your anxieties over it, giving you healthy methods to handle it. 

Beyond that, I think your best advice here is to let this go. Unless you see new red flags, or suspect him of cheating again, I don’t think this matters anymore. The statute of limitations has passed, and bringing this stuff to light directly with your partner may not only not help at all, but may actually damage your relationship in a new way, making things worse in the near future. I personally don’t think it’s worth it, unless a therapist says otherwise.