#FKLSJFKLSJF

[arieteis]

things you said: 15, 21, 49

she liked to think she had her life under control, quashing any unwanted emotions the moment they bubbled to the surface by hiding behind a practiced benign smile and accepting whatever was thrown her way no matter how distasteful she may have found them. anzu would have never labeled herself a pushover, if anything, she may have politely referred to herself as a people pleaser if she were ever questioned on why she never properly stood up for herself, but in either case she came out on the bottom. time and time again she found herself doing things she would never willingly choose on her own, but whether it be for work, an acquaintance or even a friend, she had a terrible time saying no. she liked to think it was her inner desire to keep everyone happy that led her to put herself last so often but even she knew it was that she lacked the courage to say no thus landing herself into an uncomfortable situation that she’d much rather avoid. though, despite knowing this, she was not bright enough to come to terms with the fact she was only making herself miserable by doing everyone’s bidding instead of just looking out for herself and doing what she yearned to.

her life, or what she could remember of it, was not particularly difficult, but there was something eating away at her nonetheless. her recurring nightmare struck her often, the screeching of tires and the sound of glass shattering haunted her often, becoming an image that not only plagued her sleep but also her waking thoughts. though she willed herself to remember, she was unable to piece together the puzzle that was the recurring dream, with time the scene had become longer and she was sure she had witnessed an accident, but she was unable to remember who had been hurt or why she had been there. anzu had clearly attested to something horrible and her lack of recollection was beginning to drive her mad but it was her own choice to keep it hidden, buried still beneath that laughable smile she always plastered on her face. it was easier that way. smile, sit pretty, and keep quiet. her aunt had told her that often, though it was typically winded in with stories of her own youth. as a teenager, instead of turning towards rebellion as many did, she simply accepted her title as a failure that her mother slapped upon her before shipping her off to another country. she was still unsure of what exactly she’d done to earn such a nasty name but she chose to never press on it. she never pressed, never questioned, just accepted.

then, leo entered, like a turbulent storm with the capability of breaking down anzu’s walls quicker than she was able to build them. she brought out the emotions anzu tried so desperately to regress, questioning her on things she’d have rather kept buried and never speak of again and it infuriated in hers she was unable to wrap her head around. anzu, as flippant and naive as she appeared, was quite keen on keeping her personal life completely to herself, but the other knew just the right buttons to press to cause anzu to slip if only for a few seconds, but no matter how much she deflected over messages, she’d mull about the conversation for hours afterword. it’d be easy to say she hated leo, but that wouldn’t exactly be the truth, as something kept drawing her back in to the other that even she was unable to place a finger on. perhaps it was some inner need of her own to be found out and draw her out of the shadows she’s cast around herself or maybe it was simply nothing more than her own foolishness. no matter the reason, it didn’t matter too much, for she found herself spending more time around the other despite the way the bickered over text and it seemed as though her run in with leo on the ground battling her own demons hand’t changed much. if anything, it may have tethered them together, despite the fact the two of them really had no reason to be communicating in the first place. 

realistically, anzu should have ran the moment leo decided to message her for the first time as she’d never been too fond of others acting too familiar with her upon meeting for the first time, but unlike those who she would have quietly ghosted, something about leo enticed her to continue messaging her back. sometimes, she thought she’d completely lost her mind reading back some of the things the other would send her, but in a way it was always exciting to speak with the other. if nothing else, she was always kept on her toes, there was truly no way to read what leo was going to do next and some small part of her enjoyed the thrill. maybe her slow descent into her own despair was chipping away at her brain, after all. she hadn’t had much to say besides deflection, easily playing the part of the innocent kitagawa anzu persona she’d built up, but despite being easily flustered, it wasn’t as though she really minded being teased. it at least reminded her she was capable of being sought after in a strange roundabout way.

all that knowledge she'd garnered of the other shouldn't have prepared her for anything besides the worst, but anzu had been imprudent and allowed herself to get swept away into the storm. still, standing before leo and that smug look she wore on her face paired with the way she had been speaking had her trepid nature melting away, replaced by clenched fists held steadfast at her sides, curled so tight her knuckles turned white. it wasn't as though she hadn't been angry before, but it was not often it was so openly directed at another person, instead it was an emotion she reserved solely for herself in the quiet comfort of her own bedroom, the emotion more often than not directed towards the white pillow perched at the head of her bed. however, this time, leo had pressed just a touch too far, the visage of her mom's disappointed look as she was dropped off at the gate of the airport as tears bubble up in her eyes at the forefront of her mind. the image is half recreated as she feels the familiar sting in her eyes, but she's not about to willingly let herself cry in front of the other. instead she stomps one foot like a petulant child, her brows knitting together as she eyes the other with slightly glassy eyes, lips turned into a grimace foreign on her face. 

"you know what?" she pauses, taking a shaky breath before she continues, her fingers curling tighter at her sides. "fuck you, leo. you don't know anything at all about me." somehow, though, she'd perhaps pieced together more about anzu in a short time than anybody had before and the fact was enough to frighten her into her defensive mode, something that usually brought out her vast amount of deflections. if there was one thing that could bring out the worst in anzu it was certainly the mention of her parents. their disapproval of her came suddenly, as from what she could piece together from her memories she'd been the model daughter until being thrown aside like nothing more than garbage. while they had been brought up during leo and anzu's messages on multiple occasions, something about having them mentioned to her face left her feeling off, but she assumed it had something to do with the way leo was so confident in her prodding. 

"you're always saying this and that about me but have you even taken a second to really get to know me? you're nothing more than an asshole who thinks she understands everything when in reality you barely know anything at all." another pause paired with another shaky breath, her body curling in on itself slightly as she takes a small step back, trembling with the force of the emotions that are right on the verge of spilling over, a thin layer of tears having now built up but not yet falling over the edge. "i feel like such an idiot for ever feeling bad for you that day. you didn't deserve it." another step back as she turns her head away, her hair falling in just a way it shields her from having to look at the other. a lone teardrop hits the floor and splatters and that's when anzu's facade falters, the girl taking a few more rapid steps back before she completely collapses in on herself, crouching down to hold her head in her hands as she attempted to keep her breathing from getting out of control, feeling overwhelmed on top of the sheer embarrassment from breaking down in front of leo of all people. 

she doesn't have the fight in her to even tell leo to leave, shaking with the force of all she was feeling it was all she could do to keep herself from completely falling onto the ground in a miserable heap so she chooses to ignore her presence, silently wishing she'd walk away and choose to not bring it up again, but she was not so ignorant to believe that would happen given the nature of their relationship to begin with. even with all the fight in her, she'd probably made a scratch in leo's smug armor, and she couldn't help but wallow in her own discomfiture right in front of the other. it was so terribly mindless of her to speak without thinking for, if nothing else, she'd just given the other more ammunition to torture her with. even so, at the end of the day, perhaps anzu deserved it. she could only hide from her troubles for so long.